Tell no one your personal business. Give the narcs zero information to use. Do not react to any type of psychological attacks. DO NOT ARGUE. LEAVE ANY SITUATION AT THE FIRST SIGN OF ANY TROUBLE. DO NOT FEED THE TROLLS.
I cannot break-up just this instant. However, as unhealthy as it is, I have been ruminating/fantasizing about the day he comes back to my home and finds ALL of his things outside, the doors locked and his number blocked. I will quit the ruminating and start focusing on all of the phenomenal things and people that I do have in my life not the least of which is this community.
Baiting can also look like kindness in a public space around loved ones, where you are in a position to look ungrateful or even mean if you don’t respond well enough to the gesture
I have to deal with this at my family church. My ex is there trying to be funny and I have to be polite. I give them no emotions tho because that’s slowly opening the door… she’s love bombed me and than gone cold many times… I finished with the games tho. I know her strategies
@@joev7014 it's so disillusioning at church. I had to leave my abusive narc husband. He lied and conned the church and they enabled his new marriage. She was already pregnant b4 the papers were signed. That church made it all worse!
@@janpenix8879 yea the narcs aka avoidant attachment live a very secretive life… it’s better to move on because they are planning their escape while pretending to be into you. The only way to truly win is to move on and be happy without them. Don’t interact
Oh, a former law enforcement friend reminded me, like narcissists, le doesn't have to give Miranda warning UNLESS you're in their physical custody & unable to leave. Very much like a narcissist. There's no warning given by narcissists either.
The baiting is perfectly matched to your “triggers” so you MUST become very aware of your triggers and heal that within yourself so that they cannot bait you anymore. I rarely take the bait any longer and when I do, I go and do my work on myself.
No! you are not alone, there are millions of Motherless and Fatherless grown children out here due to Narcissism, its like we are all waking up from a nightmare we did not know the name of.
I am grateful to have community to call home after living more then half of my life and Carcissist City....lol should be shout out loud for those of us who made it out!!! Amen and yes happy mother's day and thank you for acknowledging!!!
Dr. Ramani, thank you for your videos. I was married to a narcissist but didn’t understand it. For 5 months I lived in the basement (after 27 years of marriage) to avoid him. In desperation I searched the Internet for help and found you. You saved my life! I am now divorced and slowly healing. Still watching your videos and learning.
I’m about to move into the basement! I am struggling so hard - with not reacting, with wanting to be loved, with having a hard time believing this is the same man that was just wonderful for 4 days. Now it’s been 5 days of hell.
Molly whatever that call centre pays you to fake review i'll treble it because thats such articulate bs. I love the 'living in the basement' bit that comes with so many of these reviews.
When I react to false accusations, the narc inevitably comes back with, “you don’t have to get defensive”. 😡 Possibly one of the most triggering, gaslighting statements a narc can deliver.
or "You're too sensitive /thin-skinned/it's nothing personal /etc." Then they step behind others to smirk while telling everyone you are paranoid and imagining things or that You create drama because you are reacting to their abuse.
The narcissist fighting to regulate themselves is so unbelievably messed up. It completely changes my perspective. They went from really hard to deal with, to serious mental health cases.
@@jenbodhi1133 - It's disturbing to discover these people are real. You almost can't believe it. Like, they're really serious when they want you to worship them, and are very offended when you call them a dirt bag.
...that is a cycling into the psychotic stage/state after the narcissistic defence collapses. It's like they are going real crazy. In this point is very important to just leave them alone, remove yourself from the situation as good as you can.
They will - not always successfully. I lived an hour from the nearest town, 20km from the nearest sealed road, totally isolated and with no transport other than the narc. In hindsight I now realise that he manipulated my selling my apartment and the purchase of that house specifically. The change happened after we moved - he was a totally different, sullen, angry man - gone was the sweet fairy-tale lover. One visit to town for groceries he lost it for no reason I could see, at the registers. The drive out of town was scary enough - then he floored it, no hands on the wheel, telling me he was going to kill us both. He tipped the trailer, and the car nearly went over too... Police were called... they had already been out to the property once following his first violent outburst. I figure I must have been put on a list, as one policeman tried to get me to go with them to the station to press charges. He pressed a small book and a card into my hand and told me to hide it and read it later when I was alone. While he did this the other policeman kept the narc away from me. I had to call Police 5 times while I lived there - and the last time they told me that he had told them the same story that I did - only he had reversed the people involved - he told them that I did to him all the things he did to me. While I was processing that they told me they absolutely knew I was the victim and he was lying. Somehow he had me so twisted up inside that I was scared I would be in trouble - it was a huge relief to realise that they could clearly see what was happening. I expect that is often the case.
Yes, I'm in that position. Both of my sisters (who rarely speak to me bc of narc manipulation) have been married to/have children with members of tie police force here. Therefore, I have to first get medical treatment and bloodwork before I make any other moves. Malignant narcissists are scary.
In my city I was told my someone in law enforcement that the usually arrest both of a domestic violence is called in, and children are removed from home and out with social services..
Kept silence when my brother was doing his narcissistic rage, gaslighting, lying, word salad, blame shifting, and projection. I've never seen a person do them all in a row at rapid speed. I wish I had a video of it. It was truly something to behold, and I've never seen a more apparent example. As an infj, saw absolutely no reason to speak, as he already knew he was lying, I knew he was lying, and anyone who knew anything at all about me would have known he was lying. At this point, I wait for him to expose himself to someone or at somewhere that he will not be able to lie enough to escape the truth.
they want to make you question your reality insight of their lies i call it reality over writing i had the same crap imposed upon me from the probation service in the uk their service is infested with narcs that are running the show and all so had a narc mother so i knew what i was dealing with when face with crap from the probation service
remember at all times their just pedal pushing their own agenda to get supply they need you to care in sight of their lies witout you caring that their lying they get no negtivie reaction from you and thus their supply needs dont get met we all hold the truth to self it doesnt matter what someone else says the lying person is only ever making a statment about them selves
Sounds like my husband. He has got the blame shifting and projection down to a science . I call him out on bad behavior and he does the role reversal and accuses me of what he is doing. I have been doing real well in last several months of saying “you are projecting again, smiling, and removing myself from the situation. Today, I was under stress from a difficult week and so I made the mistake and I went down the rabbit hole with him. Ignored the rule, don’t respond, don’t try and defend yourself. I was expecting this from him on Mothers Day so I should have been prepared , he had to have his narcissist supply on what was supposed to be a celebration of motherhood. I am Committed to not reacting in the future but it is a work in progress when you are in a toxic pattern for years, it is hard to not react. . Not yet strong enough to leave . Nor am I financially in a good position.
@@gayledudley3817it sounds to me like you are very smart and strong! Just keep at it you are doing well. And I hope you catch a lucky break situationally
I am getting the best education on narcissism. First, by having my family engage in all the narcissistic tactics, then by having Dr Ramani explain what it was all about.
I always question whether my dad is a narcissist. The amount of evidence is overwhelming, and others tell me it's obvious, but I guess part of me doesn't want to accept it or hopes it's not the case. But like you say, I watch these videos and he follows the exact pattern Dr Ramani talks about and I just can't argue against it. Education is key!
That's exactly the same for me. My mother suffers from Alzheimer's disease, still lives in her house with some home services, that being since my dad passed away in February 2022. I took care of everything since then and was doing pretty OK... until my narc brother retired from work, sold his house and decided to move in with mom. And when I say " Moved in ", I really mean " moved in "... With no asking to the other members of the family. That was his best decision ever, telling everyone around that his mother was not receiving any services or taken care of... His stuff is all over the place, he changed her furniture for his, TV, bed, microwave, kitchen stuff, brought in a piano, patio furniture, etc, etc. She has always seen him as her best and preferred child and reacts as if he was the one and only. She says that this is the best gift life could have given her and she simply tossed me away. I really feel as if I had never been there for her in the past fifteen months and that all I did for her was no good. He is the type of person who has always lived his life for himself first, never had anybody in his life, thinks about his needs first and doesn't care for anyone else. That gives me the shivers as I know he is playing the good guy in all this scenario and mom, not being able to make a difference between what is real care for her and fake care, she sees him " in her bowl of soup " (meaning he is the one and only and he will save her...). This type of way for her to react when he is around, has always been like that between them two and now, it's as if I don't exist. I feel rejected, as I have been used all along. When I go over for a visit, he ignores me, turns around and leaves the place. There's no way de could have a discussion or a talk about that fact that he has installed himself over and took over the place and " he is home now ". Also to know more about how mom is reacting about all these changes. It's a desperate time for me as I know I will never ever get the truth from him or know exactly what is going on there. 😢😢😢😢😢
I'm sorry this is happening and it must be like the twilight zone. Maybe this is when you exit and give your brother Moms schedule for upcoming doctors appointments and scheduled events she's attending and take a vacation away from the drama that's over taken your life. Maybe this is your chance to step back and acknowledge your feelings which are very reasonable. Unless you have the power of authority and you make her financial decisions it looks like your brothers hanging out with Mom for a while. Hope you find a solution to your brother moving in and you heal that wounded EGO when Mom replaced you with her golden child and you got pushed to the side once more. It hurts and then it keeps hurting if you stay in it trying to be seen. Sorry 💘😢
Starting at 19:52 is exactly the progression of how a customer tried to bait me at work last night. Went through all these phases to try to get me to react to her so she could argue with me and be "right" and acted like a giant toddler throwing a tantrum the more I refused to take the bait and flatly replied "okay" to everything she tried to throw at me, to the point the customers in line behind her stood up for me and told her she was being unreasonable and rude and tried to point out the situation to which she then flew into screaming at them and saying very mean things to them. Coworkers around the store came by to make sure everything was okay with the commotion she was making. Little did this woman know, I grew up and worked with major narcissists my whole life and have been educating myself on how to better handle them. Sorry, 3 year old in a 55 year old woman's body - not gonna take that bait.
They love to get on the phone and pretend they and someone else is talking about you, and if you confront them, they lie. Sometimes they say the name of the other person, and when you ask the other person later, that person is legitimately confused and says that they were never upset with you.
A friend once told me that if you're in a car with a narcissit (or anyone else that makes you uncomfortable), pretend to get car sick. They will pull over because no one wants vomit in their car. 🤣
Let's try something new 😂. If there's anything you desperately need out of the narcissists,,,, MANIPULATE THE MANIPULATOR... So, how do you do that you say?????, GIVE THEM A COMPLIMENT!!!!! and watch what happens!!!! 😁😁😁😂😂.
The last relationship I had was with a narcissist. 2 years after I literally kicked him out of my house (and he tried to convince the cops that he, not I, owned it!), he came up to me in a grocery and loudly exclaimed: "Let's let bygones be bygones!" and spoke for at least a long 2-3 minutes! I was amazed that I was able to keep reading labels and comparing products. He finally walked away exclaiming: "Just be that way then. I feel sorry for anybody that lives their life like you do!" Of course, the busy-body gossips were all staring and whispering among themselves as I shopped. I was surprised that I didn't care until I realized the relief which I was feeling! I was able to not respond in any way - no comment, no shrug, no look. I just continued doing what I was doing as if he was not there. I admit, too, that I am proud of myself for being able to do it after spending a lifetime trying to get over the effects of a family of narcissists. I also finally realized that I was attracted to narcissists because they were familiar, all that I knew. I guess I thought everyone acted this way! I only wish I had cut ties with my toxic birth family sooner. Like at 21. It would have saved much wasted time, energy, and health - and relationships.
I'm really proud for you. Fortunately I never had to deal with that kind of BS, maybe due to my rebellious personality. I never ever allowed anyone to control or manipulate me.
My narcissistic brother died last month. My narcissist mother called me to let me know. I had only talked to her once in 12 years. As soon as I answered, she told me he died, then immediately went into a line of deeply personal questioning about my life, when I told her I wasn't answering personal questions, she went into a hateful and angry tirade, and I hung up on her. This reminds me of the birthday baiting you speak about in this video. I appreciate your videos, they have helped me understand what is going on in my life, and giving me some tools to help keep Dark Triad people at bay in my life, and I am an absolute magnet to them.
I am sorry for the loss of your brother it can be quite unsettling when a love one dies who is/was a narcissist, one of my sons died last year after more than twenty years of extreme alcohol abuse, he was a narcissist to boot, my siblings(4 of them)showed all there narc abuse in living color! Apparently, death of my son was just a minor thing I was enduring, but a "big stage" for all of them to perform there various narcissistic cruelties, dismissing me and my daughter griefs(she is a 34 yr old women with downs syndrome), blaming me, gaslighting me, I went straight back to strict no contact!!! To hell with them.
@@Fotoeop Keep getting your "PHD" in narcissistic patterns of behavior, from Dr. Ramani, you will begin to shift your energies and they will lose interest, or you will begin to notice things way sooner in folks who have these patterns and get the heck out of their way...if possible. We are literally fighting for our very existence, yes we may stumble at times, but at the very least we will get up from it and live to fight another day,
Yup grey rock with very stoic responses. "I cant control how you feel about me" or "I understand" or "Your take on this issue is particularly interesting"....
My ex-husband used to provoke in any way he could, and then turn around and say I had "anger issues." So, whenever he flew in to narcissistic rage, the first thing I did, with a calm smirk that I learned from someone was say, just as he would, "Oh my gosh, you have such anger issues!" It did stop him in the moment but- as most narcissists will do, he just eventually came up with some other tactic.
DO NOT LET THEM WIN. THAT IS WHAT THEY WANT. YOU FELL INTO THE TRAP AND REACTED NEGATIVELY. DO NOT ENGAGE OR GET ANGRY OR AFRAID. WALK AWAY. LEAVE THEM STANDING THERE WITH NO ONE TO ABUSE. I HAD ONE WOMAN TRY THIS ON ME AND THEN RUN AND CALL THE COPS. THEY HOPE YOU WILL THEN FIGHT WITH THEM. THE NARC GOT JOY FROM DOING THIS. THEY LOSE WHEN YOU DON'T PLAY.
Thank you for this. I am currently in the ending weeks of a on/off 5 year relationshiT with a very selfish and self centered person. Two days ago, I needed to have my dog euthanized. I love this dog SO MUCH. The soon to be ex did not offer to go with me when Titus and I went to the vet for the last time. Admittedly, it was best that my last few moments with my wonderful dog wasn't tarnished with a toxic person being there. In all the grief I am going through with losing my dog I also have an unshakeable clarity that this relationshiT will hit it's expiration date very soon. I will not let them win!
Indeed they plan everything accordingly, stressing you over and over and over again for a decade. When you figure them out they rage at you and use the word JELEOUS to excuse their toxic behavior. Hope one day we will be able to take them to court.
In long-term marriage with covert narcissist husband - just figuring it out, with Dr. Ramini's help, after all these years . What is helping me now is to say to myself when I'm around him that this is a person who will throw you under the bus with hesitation or compunction. This thought helps me not to share with him anything but the most mundane, practical matters of living in the same house.. God bless you, Dr. Ramini! You are saving lives with your work!
*I relate to this HARD. I have a narcissistic sister who will say and do things to deliberately provoke you just for the fun of it. She almost gets a kick out of getting under peoples skin. Thank you so much for this video Dr Ramani🙏🏻💕*
@@anaphylaxis2548 me too not spoken to her for over 20 years now. Few family understand why, but such a hard boundary is needed to restrict her baiting, though she has got through a few times before my understanding grew. Lots to thank Dr Ramani for. 🙏
A lesson learned by me is only tell people what they need to know. Otherwise, you run the risk of it being used against you by these individuals at a time when you really need friends, not enemies 💯
One of the ways my husband used to bait me was by playing dumb. He would ask me the same question multiple times in different ways. This caused me to feel frustrated and irritable, so I would snap after his acting as if he had misunderstood me after so many times of asking me the same question! Now I recognize much of the sheer manipulation of that relationship. This realization will help me screen better for all future relationships!
My spouse asks questions constantly; where items are, where one of our kids are, when they go to work, when they get off work, who is this, what is that, on and on. I've never thought of it as baiting before, mostly I have wondered if they have early onset demenia which they clearly do not. The weaponized incompetence makes so much sense because it has kept me on alert to answer questions and try to be patient with constant interruptions. It seems like it's all about control. Sad!
@@Ma-Says yes, you're right. I didn't know what a narcissist was until I told a couple of friends something my husband had said that confused and upset me with its disrespect. Both friends told me he sounded like a narcissist. So of course with that realization, God leading me to the videos of Dr. Ramani and Dr. Carter, and the helpful comments on both channels, I feel that so many things make sense after years of being in narcissistic relationships and not realizing it! The good thing is, once we're aware of this dysfunctional style and our eyes are open, there is no falling back asleep on this topic.
For all those with mandatory family loyalty-- in other words forced relationships due to birth, marriage / relations: "Blood is thicker than water" is a bastardization of the full quote-- "The blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb." Those who stand by you, who shed blood in battle beside you they are your family. Bonds of loyalty and choice are stronger than mere genetics.
My Narc Mom, @ 14 years old, bought me cigs. One day I asked for one. She had a camera set up... She provoked me & I reacted; she blew smoke in my face whilst refusing me one & I got angry, but tried to leave the house... (My Narc Mom does diagnoses for a living...) My mom got on top of me & wouldn't let me leave. My dad got home & called the cops. I was put in a mental institution (erroneously diagnosed with bipolar thanks to mommy dearest) & forced to go to NA. I thought I was forced into NA bec I was addicted to cigarettes.... @ 40 years old, my dad told me that my mom said I was on LSD @ age 14, which was why I didn't show up positive for drugs or alcohol. This lie amongst many other lies my Mom has told definitely ruined my life... Both of my parents are incredibly wealthy... My Narc Mom is with the same multimillionaire, who also went to Harvard, that she cheated on my dad with... 42 years Old. On Disability. Alone & Homeless... My Narc Mom almost won...- Happy Mother's Day, Mommy Dearest! BTW... I quit smoking cigarettes 2.5 years ago! Dr. Ramani, thanks from the bottom of my heart for your videos. The beginning of my healing journey ... Thanks! Perfect video for me personally on Mother's Day!
I didn't even know what to call a thing until I found Dr. R. I agree her teachings have been life saving for me. I'm sorry to hear Abt your homelessness though. Sometimes our trying to escape all contact with the narc can put us through dire straights landing us on the far opposite end if we don't play their game and re-engage with them. It's been since 2015 that I began safely distancing myself from my narc family and 2016 ended all toxic relationships with them. After a few yrs I got over that guilt that society puts on you for going healthy ESPECIALLY this one....."you know you only get ONE mother in this life*.... To that I say....Thank God! One of her running around it's plenty!!! Stay strong sister. You will see a brighter day,. If there is any way I can help you please let me know. Peace and love
Absolutely. I am divorcing a covert narc, and he is using every single thing against me in this divorce, claiming I am and unfit mother, have mental health issues, am not capable of having health relationships, and have manipulated our children against him (they've seen enough to know he is not a safe person and they're old enough to make their own choices). He's verbally and emotionally abused myself and both our children and is continuing to do so. It is a nightmare. He is evil. I can't wait until this is done.
Happy Mothers Day to all the moms out there - especially Dr. Ramani - and to those of us who had to deal with narcissistic moms. I can now proudly state that I’m in the final phase of closing off my relationship with my narcissist mother. I have gone to “yellow” rock stage with her, and she has no choice but to try to bait me. I t means she understands that she no longer has the same power over me. Her attacks are now ugly insults and complaints about minor issues, because I no longer share anything important with her. Her personal attacks have lost the affect she intends: they’ve become less annoying and mores a source of amusement. I couldn’t have gotten here without you, Dr. Ramani! 💕
My mom just stays in denial and so I would have to play along. I've gone no contact. Some lady in recovery looked at me once and said she's super codependent. lol! I think she is the most codependent person I've ever met it's sad.
Thank you for explaining this because now I know why my mother gets so rage filled in the car and just starts spewing lava at me for no apparent reason at all. I new something was up when her new baiting strategy was throwing my father death in my face and going on a conspiracy about how it was probably because he was using heroin again. When she saw I wasn’t reacting, she acted like there was something wrong with me and then apologized in her “sorry not sorry way.” Maybe the best way to go about this is to mentally think how fascinating it is to see insanity in action.
Fascinating? More like exhausting but I get your point. I'd rather watch hummingbirds then spend time I can't get back revisiting their narcissistic behaviors. Stay healthy, you are worth the fight!!
@Mel-pv8bs Excellent point - to pull out of the dynamic and observe this bizarre behavior in action. It could serve to get you through a bad car ride with the Narc at the wheel.
Ong staying calm when a narcissist is baiting you works like a dream. 😂 Seriously, i have a narc family member and when we call the family meeting to deal with all the problems we were experiencing (due to her triangulating) we did this. I told everyone to stay calm no matter what. We did and she literally through her bible scripture and notes on the ground and stomped and cried. She had to be escorted out of the room by her son twice just to calm her down. It was glorious. Ever since then I have no problem staying calm. Just sit back, relax and enjoy the show. 😂
🕊️ Wishing peace of mind, spirit and body to all who are/were dismissed, devalued, discarded, neglected, or traumatized by their narcissistic mother. Whoever and wherever you are please KNOW you are loved, you do matter, and the world needs you. ❤
I wish I had found your series decades ago. My sister has been doing this for literally years and decades. The victim, the Matryr. There´s always some drama she can´t cope with and drags me in to it. Decades ago it was her kids, her finances, her ex, her job. And because you´re family and are supposed to be supportive you try to offer support and advice. And then you get "what´s it got to do with you/they´re not your kids" etc etc. So you walk away. And then there´s something else. In the last 3 years and through covid, our dad died of cancer. All through that, she was complaining about running errands for them and shouting and screaming about it, knowing full well that they couldn´t get out of the house and that I live in another country and couldn´t leave the country because there were literally no flights as the borders were closed. But still, "you should be here!" yet neither of our parents have ever once asked me to go back, they knew why I left and were happy and proud of me for making the break. It got so bad with her complaining that even Dad said to her not to go anymore and they would hire some help if she was going to be like that, even though he was dying. And she even lied to my dad on his death bed, told him I should be able to just jump on a plane and get there, knowing full well that I couldn´t. A surreptitious way of trying to make herself look better I guess. Mum told her herself about it and was pretty disgusted with my sister. And it´s continued since Dad died, with mum, despite her having had several strokes and being very frail. gaslighting her, saying she´s losing her mind when she clearly isn´t, but has lost her ability to speak properly. Screaming at mum all the time instead of having any empathy with her. It´s just such toxic behaviour. I had an online meeting just yesterday with Mum and a speech therapist in which mum expressed her wishes, and the therapist went through a series of questions to ensure that Mum knew the risks, and we established that she did understand everything without any prompting. I was basically involved to support mum in her choices, and I don´t mind admitting that I cried afterwards, because it could mean we lose mum soon. But she is just so tired of it all now. But yet my sister said the night before that Mum didn´t understand, doesn´t have mental capacity. And sure, she does a fair bit for mum, but Mum is in a care home now and being well looked after. But still my sister complains endlessly. And if there´s bigger stuff, legal stuff to sort out, she calls me. And then has the audacity to say to some stranger, "my brother thinks he knows everything and likes to take over" but yet in the next breath, she wants me to take over. And If I can figure a way to be there for a few months, I will. And "relieve her of duty" At least then Mum might get some peace in her last few months, although I can guarantee she still won´t back off or stop complaining. And then after mum is gone, she will do the "oh I miss her so much" on facebook, just like she does with Dad. I guess the very fact that i´m even commenting here shows that what my sister does, especially regarding my mum triggers me, but it´s good to have some professional advice on this. So thanks for that. The best thing I ever did for myself was years ago, when I left my home country and went travelling for 6 months, but didn´t have a mobile phone and the internet was hardly even a thing. So I called my mum once a week from a landline to let her know where I was, and that was it. Almost zero contact with anyone back there. And after Mum has passed, I will be doing that again, but this time, for good. Because I´m so tired of it all too.
And if you are strong enough to resist the "bait", then they will be grumpy and moody and guilt trip you for not taking the bait and letting them "win"... (from experience)...(you can't win...)
I went through 2 therapists, before I found one that gets it. He was the first person to tell me I had a narcissist mother. Mother's Day is the worst, but I know things now. I think of her not as a mother, but as this elderly psych patient I help out. I no longer give her any useful personal information and I am learning to set boundaries.
@@lydiacohen203 She was still blaming me for everything and raging at me. I am now at minimal contact. I call for 5 min, 1 day per week to check if she needs anything or has a bill that needs paid. That is it.
OMG, the birthday baiting really hit home! Once my sister and I (twins) were sharing an apartment and we knew my narc mom was going to call on our birthday, which we dreaded. We both decided to just not answer the phone because we wanted a peaceful birthday. She got so enraged (under the guise of "worry") that she contacted the upstairs neighbor (how she got her phone number we will never know since we didn't even know them) and pulled such a sob story that they left a note up on our door "maybe you should call your mom." We were so embarrassed!
This was so hard when I was growing up, getting baited by my mother, and her little narcissists-in-training, my siblings. I'm no contact with the lot of them now, OBVIOUSLY, so they have to be satisfied with making up and spreading nasty rumors about me. Wish I'd had the self-control to ignore them but they just kept ratcheting it up until I cracked and then they would accuse me of having a bad temper and being hard to get along with. If I dared complain I was told to grow up and ignore them, instead of them being told to knock it off. Thank you so much for this video - it's really helped me to understand what was going on.
I applaud you for having the courage to divorce yourself from their toxicity. I hope that you are finding peace and gratitude in being strong enough to leave them in your dust.
Well dear former scapegoat. You are now a black stallion and never have to carry the sins of these people on your back ever again. Welcome into the black stallion family of freedom. We embrace you. We accept you. We love you. Your anger is a human emotion. And you are a badass!!!
I spent literally years getting hooked into this! Finally, our grown son helped me overtime reacting to his Dad's baiting. It is strange how in so many ways I learned to deal with the Narcissistic X, but for some reason I found not taking the bait so difficult. LOL
My ex just sent me a happy Mother’s Day text to me “accidentally”. I was a step mom to those neglected children for 3 years. I know they are on the worst path possible- 10 years old and self harming etc. I stayed in that relationship longer to try and help them. Having children is a tender spot for me and I wasted 3 years on this man. I needed this video so much today. Thanks Dr Ramini
I am so sorry! I am in that situation now, and was trying to leave, but he's now telling me I need to stay for his kids. At some point you realize you can't lift a narcissist up, that you will only be dragged down. I'm so sorry you're still having to deal with this man.
Having to leave a narcissist that has kids that aren't yours is the hardest thing in the world. You have no legal right to take them and you know their life will be gell if they stay....I was/am in the situation for 2nd time, it's gut wrenching. I'm proud if you for getting away and I hope your path to healing is clear and full of love.
You’ve no idea how validating this video is for me. My ex husband used to do the exact that and then just sit and watch me. How cruel is that!! He’d poke me even more when I would start crying, few times I ended up pushing him and he called me a crazy! I don’t know how I actually survived for almost 10 years with 2 small kids. I’m so glad I didn’t fall for his love-bombing when I asked for a divorce!!!
It's not about you...it is about how someone tries "dismantle" what you are all about. *my brother and his wife sent me an xmas gift. he texted me, hey did you get our gift? i replied, no i actually recently moved. he was angry at me for not telling him i moved. he cares about getting me to thank him; not about oh, why did you move or are you okay.
The birthday baiting is soo true. Recently got a Ramadhan baiting under the context that it’s the “month of forgiveness .” Interesting that they use special holidays to hoover you back in.
Thanks so much for this one, I really needed it today. I'm being baited right now and it's tough. I especially needed reminding that in a relationship with a narcissist, I can't win. It makes it so much easier to just work on protecting myself and taking care of myself when I remember that, and stop looking for a way to make my narcissist behave in a non-narcissistic way.
Hey I'm running my bath water as you speak Right this minute! I have got to take care of me! Thank God you are no longer their supply! You see how a tweaker or meth head or crackhead gets when they can't get their supply? Let them find someone else to go extrapolate Life giving energy from. Tell them yours is no longer for sale or available!
Yes, there's no winning. Even the narc doesn't win. Thinking of maybe feigning a bad reaction when he's baiting, so he can get that supply & regulate, before it escalates. Pretend to be hurt, offended, whatever and be done with it.
You don't have to win. It's like having 2 cars that work. 1 of them you have to massage it to work. The other, get in start, and drive away. Hurt verbage? The narc is not the author of life let alone yours.
As soon as it starts, I scan my head real fast , I ask what does dr. Ramani say! First thing is don’t react! I have no supports my whole life I’ve attracted narcissists, it’s starts in childhood then I thought it was normal. If you are lost in a narcissistic life cycle I’d highly recommend to follow Dr. Ramani . Thank goodness she’s willing to share so much.
I really appreciate this video. I have gone 'no contact's with my family for almost a year now. I have just been through a 'birthday sabotage" in the form of a voicemail that starts, not with happy birthday but"I remember giving birth to you..." then how frail and deprived... Then tears and accusations AND messages from flying monkeys telling me to call as they are so worried about me. Except that when the phone rang and I saw who was calling, I had a panic attack and decided there was no way I would let them upset me on my day. Since then I keep having to talk myself out of reoccurring thoughts that I am being selfish and I am only imagining the narcissistic tactics. I am grateful to have this confirmation that I am making healthy choices here. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing. I too have to talk myself out of re-engaging with my narcissistic family and my mother, the queen of narcissism. My stepfather is a bipolar narcissist now turning 83 and the sht I endured having to show gratitude to him for stepping in and "raising me". All I can say is thank God that I escaped at the age of 17!!!
The ONLY regret I had about NO CONTACT 30 YEARS AGO.... WAS I DIDN'T DO IT 40 YEARS AGO! STAY STRONG.. THEY ARE REALLY THE FECES THEY ARE...DON'T STEP IN IT AGAIN..
Of course. Cause you don't choose your parents or the situation you were born into. But you can choose a partner even though people try to say you don't have a choice in the relationships you have 🤔🤣🤣
I endured a lot of baiting disguised as concern. Your videos are tremendously validating. The worst is trying to exit a bait heavy conversation only to be followed and harassed. My mother would follow me to my room and harass me through the door, or follow me outside to harass me as I got into my car to leave. Relentlessly terrible
This is EXACTLY how it goes. SICK GAMES. It's so textbook, thank you for understanding how it is for victims. Thank you for validating our experiences, and offering counsel.
When dealing with narcissism, you should know that it’s not personal. “It isn’t personal” is one of those cliches used to cushion all kinds of bad actions taken by people who need an out for being immoral, but in this case it actually gets near the truth. Narcissists don’t know how to love or be a friend; they can’t afford to spare the energy to learn, because they’re always in a state of high emergency, cataloging potential threats and redoubling their defenses. When they claim to love you, it means nothing. They may even think they mean it, but they don’t understand the concept - they can’t feel it. They never attach to you or anyone else. Other people are paper cut-outs to the narcissist, like those cardboard figures of celebrities you pose next to for a selfie. Narcissist value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing. They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves. When they toss you out, it’s no more meaningful than a junkie tossing away a needle; when they try to reel you back in, it only means that they tired of the new drug and need a hit of the old. None of this is personal. They’re too terrified to have personal relationships, opting instead for extraction of admiration from a subservient partner whose range of action they strictly constrain. This is not personal. None of it. The narcissist does not know who you are - it doesn’t know how to know other people. Like the vampire or the chainsaw-wielding creature in the horror film, it’s from another world, bereft of the concept of human connection. Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..
Any advice for me I have gang stalkers everywhere I go of all races I exposed them I threats everyday and told there’s no hope for me can’t move right now and even I do I’m told there gonna follow me familiar and friends have turned on me at a alarming rate I ignore when I can and sometimes engage I also have people reading my facial expressions and am told no one is helping you from passer Byers ??
Thank you. I needed this so much. They are impossible to get through to they take every opportunity to hurt you and cause division among other family members. So toxic. I just want to get away from it.
The part about doing it so often in the car when you're trapped was so dead on. She'd wait until the middle of a long drive, and just start laying into me for all the ways she thinks I'm garbage. It was really effective at cutting me off from our entire social group, because I didn't want the abuse I'd receive at the end of the night on the ride home, and sometimes even on the way there.
So right on time, for me! My sister has been group text baiting me for a week and a half. Several times I have typed up a response and not sent it. She’s so mean, and dishonest. Thank you for posting this. I needed the reinforcement. 🙏
I have a family member who does this all the time, snide remarks , talking to their self about you so you can hear , etc . They want you to snap so they can accuse you of being crazy or accuse you of being the aggressor.
Perfect that this video landed on Mother's Day. I'm low contact/gray rock with my elderly narc mom who is in assisted living. I see her every other week to manage her meds and bring her stuff. In between she often sends belligerent or passive-aggressive emails that I ignore and delete. But I make a point to keep it civil, even cordial when I visit her. This week I brought her some flowers for Mother's Day (no card). She sent me an email saying "Thank for the nice flowers...you didn't have to do that though. I know how you feel about me. Sorry you have to visit me so often." She can't just say "thank you" and leave it at that. Always got to get a dig or two in.
You're always so spot on. I can think back to so many arguments with my ex-wife where she would try to label me with something because of how I would react to her over the top remarks. It was so emotionally exhausting to deal with and I would begin to believe her. I would tell couples therapists that I didn't think it was true, but it was too late because she already got to them and they didn't know how to deal with a N. After being separated for 10 years, I have never felt the same way I did in those arguments. I have learned to recognize when someone is being manipulative and disingenuous and be true to myself.
Once you learn, what your dealing with you know the consequences if you take the bait, it's like it's mind over matter,think things through because for every action there's a consequence 👍 thanks Dr RAMANI and Happy mother's day everyone 🙏
It's funny because the examples you gave about what's NOT baiting are exactly the type of things that the narcs think we do to piss them off. And we are just walking around living our lives 😂
Happy mothers’ day Dr. Ramani! You have shed so much light on all these confusions, having a narc father and an enabling flying monkey mother. You are literally describing my life in most of your videos. I am still struggling in my 30s to heal from the deeply rooted damage and now slowly trying to understand all of these to come out of the misery. Thank you Much love ❤
Yes, it is tough not to react to tactics but it will get easier for you each time you reserve yourself and maintain your limits. Take care of yourself, hang in there, move forward as soon as you can. Keep your plans to yourself. ♥
Dr. Ramani understands narcissist so well. I don't know anyone describe narcissist in words as well as you do. I always can't explain how nasty they are to me.
Thank you for adding the last part of this video of what is NOT baiting. I had a friend that wanted to hear only positive things. If she mentioned something she wanted to do and I shared a perspective on it, she would think I was raining on her parade. I was being gentle and transparent. Here's an example. Fact. This friend can't stand doing paperwork. She told me this. So one day she said she wanted to go back to school for a 4th major. First it was anthropology. Then it was massage therapy. Then it was farming. And now it was Psychology she wanted to go back to school to take. I could see a bit of jumping around. Not my business. But the debt was keeping her shackled and now she was going to add more debt. As a friend, I was gentle and honest and encouraged that she ask people who are in the field of psychology about the amount of paperwork that it usually entails. I said this to bring up and tie together the fact that she hates doing paperwork. She snapped at me and told me not to rain on her parade and not to discourage her. I'm like WHAT?! I wasn't trying to discourage her. It's the truth...most of the time when you're involved in the field of psychology there are lots of notes to be written. I know close people who work in the field and that's what they tell me....lots of notes. My own brother used to stay up late doing notes. It's a thing. Because I know she loves to read, I mentioned that psychology could be learned from books and there wouldn't be any debt or notes to do. Hopefully she would research it first before jumping in. Some people don't want to hear other perspectives. I didn't say Don't Do it. I was saying...think it over. She felt like I was one of those narcissists that tries to bring you down when you share an idea. It wasn't that. A narc doesn't try to help you and save you from yourself.
My sister had accused me of being a narcissist (among other things). I wasn't sure what exactly that was, so here I am researching and learning so much. I have to contact her as she is living with our elderly Mother. I am learning so much and recognize her baiting me now. I am using the gray rock technique and she has stepped it up, so far. I carry my little gray pebble when I visit now to remind me to stay strong and not engage. I still draw the line where she becomes physical. It's tough, but videos like this give me hope for a way out. Unfortunately I will probably have to endure her abuse until Mom has passed on and I can then go no contact. Stay strong, These people only have the power that we supply. peace
I fully came to terms 100% that I've been dating a narcissist for 2 years. The hunch turning into a full blown knowing is heart breaking, eyeopening, liberating, and empowering all at the same time. One time, during a heated argument, where I was in total distress with tears streaming down my face, I asked him what he even got out of being in a relationship with me, and without missing a beat, he responded w "thats none of ur damn business!" At the time, I was stunned and confused at that answer. But, It makes a whole lot of f*****g sense now. God I feel bamboozled
You addressed the ebb and flow of leaving a narc relationship. Thank you!! It is difficult mines family and they’re all I have here. He beat the crap out of me last week. Their is no safety in a relationship like this!!
Oh my goodness that’s exactly what my mum did to me the other day after I sent a “grey rock” response to one of her “Look at me, your brother & my grandchildren having a wonderful time” texts (incl photos). The next text was a bait & so cruel towards my wife. When that was ignored she turned up outside our house & sat in the car for 3hrs waiting for me to come out. She’s 85 & the level of narcissistic abuse towards me is still shocking. Expected but shocking. I didn’t bite but I was raging inside & the rumination quelling is exhausting
Wow I never realized that what I was experiencing had a name. Birthday baiting....AGAIN THANK YOU FOR TAKING TIME TO PRODUCE SUCH CONTENT THAT HELPS ME AND OTHER SURVIVORS OF NARCISSISTS GAIN USEFUL TOOLS TO DEFEND OURSELVES AGAINST THESE BEHAVIORS AND INSULTS. YOUR TEACHINGS KEEP US SAFE AND HEALTHY! THANK YOU, MY HATS OFF TO YOU DR. R. YOU ARE BRILLIANT!!!! HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!! PEACE AND BLESSINGS!
Thank you Dr.Ramani. I have began complete distancing and these birthday and holiday episodes are still difficult for me. Listening to this vid deepened my understanding, so thankful you posted it.
I needed this a few hours ago. I realized my family was toxic about a yr ago. Until you know you think things are "normal" They set me up today. I'm done. They'll figure it out when they never hear from me again. #distanceoverdisrespect
I am such a trusting person, for a while. When I am intentionally harmed I go into full tactical self-defense mode. Not my first rodeo. I do not even like to use the restroom with the door shut at home due to previous trauma. When you spoke about being in a car and isolated with that person it makes me... terrified in red and yellow heat. I sequester to my "nest of safety". People do not get it unless they get it. Period. Makes it hard to explain why you cannot go out freely. Thank you so much for the strength to help me get through this chapter of my life. Much love and merry holiday wishes to you and yours, my distant friend.
I’m a victim of suddenly “new” friends and neighbors wanting to “help me”. Be careful of new acquaintances who are so happy to be your best friend, to help you with dog sitting, fixing your toilets, providing you with names of their favorite home repairmen, giving you unsolicited advice when you have a home, car, family emergency. As a woman, be careful. Women narcissists are worse than men. They smell you out as a lonely empath and take advantage of you later. After years of abuse from a narcissistic husband, I thought I found my best friend and sister. But I started to see how she would put me down in front of others and could be very manipulative. She was constantly late or cancelled on me. Something she knew bothered me. She never apologized and in the end I was done. She screwed her boyfriend of thousands of dollars and that’s what really made me feel like she was a bad person. I’m just happy to be alone. Why take on more misery?
I have been following you for years, and your videos have literally saved my life. I do want to add that I believe narcissists do know how their baiting affects other people. In my experience, the narcissist baits you in order to destabilize you and destroy your peace.
My son’s father is really good at baiting. I’m still learning, and healing. Thank you Dr. Ramani you’re really helping me cope and realize I’m really not crazy after all.
I could write a book on the things I’ve witnessed over the years. As soon as you said birthday every single birthday, Mother’s Day, anniversary, Valentine’s Day and Christmas popped into my head. The guilt I’m left feeling because I’d like to be surprised or thought of without all the drama, I’d rather just skip every one of those days than actually have the negative horrible feelings I’m left with. It got so bad at one point I stopped letting the good parts be the highlight. I dread those days when it comes to me, I know what’s coming.
A narci is very image conscious. They always are aware of who is watching and always will try to frame themselves in the best light and, if you are a problem, they will frame you in the negative. Sometimes this is done very subtly.
Coming from a place where I have gone through most of this, It's always a relief to receive Confirmation about what has happened in my life. Thank you So Much Dr. Ramani. You have been placed here from Above, No Doubt as your videos are like the emotional lidocaine to the raw open wounds... knowledge really is power. Thank you Dr. Ramani ❤
This is so eye-opening, I feel so validated. I have spent all weekend educating myself, it has been 7+ years of questioning my reality and my sanity. Baiting is his weapon of choice, he is so vicious. Every time I gain the upper hand in an argument (or god forbid walk away) then begins the relentless spewing of all of my darkest insecurities in the cruelest way. I realize now he sees emotion and vulnerability as weakness, and weaponizes my private secrets as premium bait. I have given in countless times, given into the chaos that makes me look like the out-of-control, unhinged villain.. playing right into his trap to let him start playing the victim.. but this will NEVER happen to me again. Thank you so much-- I have a lot of healing to do but I am now equipped to know how to handle future situations with this person.
Happy mother's day Dr. Ramani, thanks for making me sane with your books and videos, I wish nothing but the best in life for you. I wish your books came in other languages so I could share them with my family members that don't speak english.
My narc mother would talk to relatives and ask them to use the 'she's your mom after all' and filial piety bs on me. Only one person took the bait but the majority ignore her, because they all know what she did. It's really tough out there much love to everyone who's going through this! ❤ Thank you Dr. Ramani for your super helpful videos you are a life saver! 🙏
Another thing that an ex-narcissistic friend who has discarded you will do on social media is the tag other people on topics, or perhaps their own birthday party, and will conspicuously leave you out. They know you will notice this.
Mine took it upon herself to take me off of a party list she was co-hosting with a mutual friend. My hubby was still invited though. It was done on fb and he never goes on there. I had no idea what was going on until the host got in touch with me to see if we were coming. He kept trying to send me the invite and the tab would not take. So I just played dumb and laughed it off and blamed it on Zuckerberg😂 We could not be at the party due to other plans so no point in getting mad about it. The trouble she went through for little old me was comical. To be honest, I don't go yearly because it's always on a family birthday weekend, she always co-hosts and I don't want to be around her but we were friends on facebook as casual aquaintences due to business reasins. I was unaware she was creeping me for the benefit of the exnarc and his exnarc wife who happens to be the best friend of this co hosting flying monkey. I was unaware of that. She has been tring hard since pre-covid to bait me, overstepped a bit too much. The only reaction she has recieved, is me blocking her. I also blocked the extra recruit she managed to sway over, and unfriended anyone affiliated that I had become aquainted with that is connected to her. Where as before she made every effort to make sure I saw her when we were in a common space? She is now doing her best to finish the job I started by erasing herself. She knows I know.
Five hours later and several listenings and mullings while I clean…….. Even better than I thought it would be. Full of insight, understanding and wise advice. Thank you x
I appreciate this video so much! I am divorced from the narcissist but we share children. The baiting tactics have switched up often. The most recent one is to send me compliments about how wonderful of a parent I am or wishing me a happy birthday. Also “playdates” with the moms of my children’s friends. I don’t respond because it has absolutely nothing to do with our children - which is the only reason any communication is required among us. I would like to know if anyone else has experienced something similar.
Very eye opening information. I always wondered why after I start loosing it they get serious and I am left looking unhinged. This has taken a very serious toll on my mental and physical health. I realized how unstable I have been feeling and I often blame myself for it. I think I should give myself time to process and recover and then next time it arises at least I know not to be so reactive and it's more to do with them and not me. I think I am a narcissistic magnet, I realize how many people in my life do the same things.
Dr. Ramani I can't tell you how much your words and education on narcissism has helped me continue moving forward and given me a little hope and I hope that my two little boys can survive their father as well. Thank you
Thank you for this video Dr Ramani! It truly is mind blowing. I’m still trying to heal and recover from the narcissist that I used to date. He still keeps tryna bother me. And it’s sucking my energy.. draining me out.😢
This is so good and true! Thanks for your videos. I have found the more I didn’t respond to putting my friends down or whatever and just ignored the comments, or when I began questioning them , they backed down. I realize this is not always the case and this situation was not a romantic partnership, a friend.
Hello, I am going through a tough relationship with a narcissist spouse. What she’s saying is 💯 correct. Narcissists are extremely good in hiding their true intent and act loving. They can keep up their act even for years and then suddenly show their true self. Her videos have helped me a lot in regulating my response
Tell no one your personal business. Give the narcs zero information to use. Do not react to any type of psychological attacks. DO NOT ARGUE. LEAVE ANY SITUATION AT THE FIRST SIGN OF ANY TROUBLE. DO NOT FEED THE TROLLS.
I cannot break-up just this instant. However, as unhealthy as it is, I have been ruminating/fantasizing about the day he comes back to my home and finds ALL of his things outside, the doors locked and his number blocked. I will quit the ruminating and start focusing on all of the phenomenal things and people that I do have in my life not the least of which is this community.
Very good advice! Don't give them a leg to stand on.
@Regulus Sounds like your sister is a combination of communal/vulnerable narcissist
@@ARA-lu9xd Do you have anyone at all who sees what is going on or is at least neutral?
Don't reconnect with them, no matter what.
Baiting can also look like kindness in a public space around loved ones, where you are in a position to look ungrateful or even mean if you don’t respond well enough to the gesture
Yes
I have to deal with this at my family church. My ex is there trying to be funny and I have to be polite. I give them no emotions tho because that’s slowly opening the door… she’s love bombed me and than gone cold many times… I finished with the games tho. I know her strategies
@@joev7014 it's so disillusioning at church. I had to leave my abusive narc husband. He lied and conned the church and they enabled his new marriage. She was already pregnant b4 the papers were signed. That church made it all worse!
@@janpenix8879 yea the narcs aka avoidant attachment live a very secretive life… it’s better to move on because they are planning their escape while pretending to be into you. The only way to truly win is to move on and be happy without them. Don’t interact
Or the opposite. They can act distant as if there is a problem with the relationship while people are around so the others think you are a problem.
When you no longer care what narcs think or say you are free
YES! It’s so liberating in all of the ways: emotionally, mentally and physically! 🎉🎉 “Freedom” by George Michael is now playing in my head. ❤
This method works well with no contact tooo
@@teresadvorak6145 Same thing. No contact is just one way of expressing that you don't care.
Omg i was just told i am doing amazing but not good for them...
100% True
I have definitely noticed how the cruelness escalates if the response they expected is not happening.
It certainlyyy does
That’s awful. It just shows the desperation to get a reaction outta someone. What more proof does anyone need that they see some people as “fuel”?
They’re bored and seek entertainment
"Anything you say can & WILL be used against you". The Miranda Warning isn't given by narcissists.
This is what N's say to their target... "everything you say can and will be used against you."
@@pamelamoore6239 "Everything you say or don't say will be used against you."
Oh, a former law enforcement friend reminded me, like narcissists, le doesn't have to give Miranda warning UNLESS you're in their physical custody & unable to leave. Very much like a narcissist. There's no warning given by narcissists either.
Keep a list on what you have in them but never let them know and do not use it as offense since that will make you the aggressor of their baiting.
Arguable.
The baiting is perfectly matched to your “triggers” so you MUST become very aware of your triggers and heal that within yourself so that they cannot bait you anymore. I rarely take the bait any longer and when I do, I go and do my work on myself.
Happy Mothers day to all the motherless daughters of Narc mothers. I see you here, and it comforts me to know I'm not alone!
❤ Happy mothers day!
No, we are not alone and Yes, we have a definitive voice! Enjoy your day.
Happy Mother’s Day to us all!
❤❤❤
No! you are not alone, there are millions of Motherless and Fatherless grown children out here due to Narcissism, its like we are all waking up from a nightmare we did not know the name of.
I am grateful to have community to call home after living more then half of my life and Carcissist City....lol should be shout out loud for those of us who made it out!!! Amen and yes happy mother's day and thank you for acknowledging!!!
Dr. Ramani, thank you for your videos. I was married to a narcissist but didn’t understand it. For 5 months I lived in the basement (after 27 years of marriage) to avoid him. In desperation I searched the Internet for help and found you. You saved my life! I am now divorced and slowly healing. Still watching your videos and learning.
I'm sorry you had to go through this. I hope you build a better narc free life for yourself
I’m about to move into the basement! I am struggling so hard - with not reacting, with wanting to be loved, with having a hard time believing this is the same man that was just wonderful for 4 days. Now it’s been 5 days of hell.
God bless you 🙏
Molly whatever that call centre pays you to fake review i'll treble it because thats such articulate bs. I love the 'living in the basement' bit that comes with so many of these reviews.
Cameron, you do not know others or their situation, healing from narc's is difficult enough without your negative comments
When I react to false accusations, the narc inevitably comes back with, “you don’t have to get defensive”. 😡 Possibly one of the most triggering, gaslighting statements a narc can deliver.
or "You're too sensitive
/thin-skinned/it's nothing personal /etc." Then they step behind others to smirk while telling everyone you are paranoid and imagining things or that You create drama because you are reacting to their abuse.
Yes! Alternatively you make some innocent remark and they jump down your throat ( like excuse me for using a word or term you aren't familiar with)
Yes! He kept telling me I'm defensive all the time which was a proof for him I have deep issues. So little I knew back then what is going on.
@@psalm148.1 Exactly!
@@stompthedragon4010 Yup. Always.
The narcissist fighting to regulate themselves is so unbelievably messed up. It completely changes my perspective. They went from really hard to deal with, to serious mental health cases.
So very true. They absolutely become UNHINGED,. It's quite a sight to see!!! 😮😳
This is currently happening- but it’s my neighbour who I rejected, he’s going full on narc disregulation and it’s unhinged and bizarre
@@jenbodhi1133 - It's disturbing to discover these people are real. You almost can't believe it. Like, they're really serious when they want you to worship them, and are very offended when you call them a dirt bag.
...that is a cycling into the psychotic stage/state after the narcissistic defence collapses.
It's like they are going real crazy. In this point is very important to just leave them alone, remove yourself from the situation as good as you can.
Calling the police can work against you as the narc will manipulate them, giving you the appearance of being the abuser.
Not unless you record their behavior or have audio records of their whole spiel.
They will - not always successfully. I lived an hour from the nearest town, 20km from the nearest sealed road, totally isolated and with no transport other than the narc. In hindsight I now realise that he manipulated my selling my apartment and the purchase of that house specifically. The change happened after we moved - he was a totally different, sullen, angry man - gone was the sweet fairy-tale lover. One visit to town for groceries he lost it for no reason I could see, at the registers. The drive out of town was scary enough - then he floored it, no hands on the wheel, telling me he was going to kill us both. He tipped the trailer, and the car nearly went over too... Police were called... they had already been out to the property once following his first violent outburst. I figure I must have been put on a list, as one policeman tried to get me to go with them to the station to press charges. He pressed a small book and a card into my hand and told me to hide it and read it later when I was alone. While he did this the other policeman kept the narc away from me. I had to call Police 5 times while I lived there - and the last time they told me that he had told them the same story that I did - only he had reversed the people involved - he told them that I did to him all the things he did to me. While I was processing that they told me they absolutely knew I was the victim and he was lying. Somehow he had me so twisted up inside that I was scared I would be in trouble - it was a huge relief to realise that they could clearly see what was happening. I expect that is often the case.
Yes, I'm in that position. Both of my sisters (who rarely speak to me bc of narc manipulation) have been married to/have children with members of tie police force here. Therefore, I have to first get medical treatment and bloodwork before I make any other moves. Malignant narcissists are scary.
Wow. I was dumb
In my city I was told my someone in law enforcement that the usually arrest both of a domestic violence is called in, and children are removed from home and out with social services..
You ever feel like your just chilling and suddenly its mood shift time and you are now being bombarded with projected insecurity and anger.
This is what happened today
Yea, I got home from work. 🙄
Out of nowhere!! Like let me live
Kept silence when my brother was doing his narcissistic rage, gaslighting, lying, word salad, blame shifting, and projection. I've never seen a person do them all in a row at rapid speed. I wish I had a video of it. It was truly something to behold, and I've never seen a more apparent example. As an infj, saw absolutely no reason to speak, as he already knew he was lying, I knew he was lying, and anyone who knew anything at all about me would have known he was lying. At this point, I wait for him to expose himself to someone or at somewhere that he will not be able to lie enough to escape the truth.
They always do, sooner or later! ❤
they want to make you question your reality insight of their lies i call it reality over writing
i had the same crap imposed upon me from the probation service in the uk their service is infested with narcs that are running the show
and all so had a narc mother so i knew what i was dealing with when face with crap from the probation service
remember at all times their just pedal pushing their own agenda
to get supply they need you to care in sight of their lies witout you caring
that their lying they get no negtivie reaction from you and thus their supply needs dont get met
we all hold the truth to self it doesnt matter what someone else says the lying person is only ever making a statment about them selves
Sounds like my husband. He has got the blame shifting and projection down to a science . I call him out on bad behavior and he does the role reversal and accuses me of what he is doing. I have been doing real well in last several months of saying “you are projecting again, smiling, and removing myself from the situation. Today, I was under stress from a difficult week and so I made the mistake and I went down the rabbit hole with him. Ignored the rule, don’t respond, don’t try and defend yourself. I was expecting this from him on Mothers Day so I should have been prepared , he had to have his narcissist supply on what was supposed to be a celebration of motherhood. I am Committed to not reacting in the future but it is a work in progress when you are in a toxic pattern for years, it is hard to not react. . Not yet strong enough to leave . Nor am I financially in a good position.
@@gayledudley3817it sounds to me like you are very smart and strong! Just keep at it you are doing well. And I hope you catch a lucky break situationally
One of the hardest things I have ever experienced is holding back from reacting to baiting!
I’ve been trying and it’s so hard. I keep failing. Because I know it’s baiting I get so angry and keep reacting 😩
I almost failed today with a narc neighbour
I am getting the best education on narcissism. First, by having my family engage in all the narcissistic tactics, then by having Dr Ramani explain what it was all about.
Right?! Best education EVER!
😂👌🏼
I always question whether my dad is a narcissist. The amount of evidence is overwhelming, and others tell me it's obvious, but I guess part of me doesn't want to accept it or hopes it's not the case. But like you say, I watch these videos and he follows the exact pattern Dr Ramani talks about and I just can't argue against it. Education is key!
That's exactly the same for me. My mother suffers from Alzheimer's disease, still lives in her house with some home services, that being since my dad passed away in February 2022.
I took care of everything since then and was doing pretty OK... until my narc brother retired from work, sold his house and decided to move in with mom. And when I say " Moved in ", I really mean " moved in "...
With no asking to the other members of the family. That was his best decision ever, telling everyone around that his mother was not receiving any services or taken care of...
His stuff is all over the place, he changed her furniture for his, TV, bed, microwave, kitchen stuff, brought in a piano, patio furniture, etc, etc.
She has always seen him as her best and preferred child and reacts as if he was the one and only. She says that this is the best gift life could have given her and she simply tossed me away.
I really feel as if I had never been there for her in the past fifteen months and that all I did for her was no good.
He is the type of person who has always lived his life for himself first, never had anybody in his life, thinks about his needs first and doesn't care for anyone else.
That gives me the shivers as I know he is playing the good guy in all this scenario and mom, not being able to make a difference between what is real care for her and fake care, she sees him " in her bowl of soup " (meaning he is the one and only and he will save her...).
This type of way for her to react when he is around, has always been like that between them two and now, it's as if I don't exist. I feel rejected, as I have been used all along.
When I go over for a visit, he ignores me, turns around and leaves the place. There's no way de could have a discussion or a talk about that fact that he has installed himself over and took over the place and " he is home now ". Also to know more about how mom is reacting about all these changes. It's a desperate time for me as I know I will never ever get the truth from him or know exactly what is going on there. 😢😢😢😢😢
I'm sorry this is happening and it must be like the twilight zone. Maybe this is when you exit and give your brother Moms schedule for upcoming doctors appointments and scheduled events she's attending and take a vacation away from the drama that's over taken your life. Maybe this is your chance to step back and acknowledge your feelings which are very reasonable. Unless you have the power of authority and you make her financial decisions it looks like your brothers hanging out with Mom for a while. Hope you find a solution to your brother moving in and you heal that wounded EGO when Mom replaced you with her golden child and you got pushed to the side once more. It hurts and then it keeps hurting if you stay in it trying to be seen. Sorry 💘😢
Starting at 19:52 is exactly the progression of how a customer tried to bait me at work last night. Went through all these phases to try to get me to react to her so she could argue with me and be "right" and acted like a giant toddler throwing a tantrum the more I refused to take the bait and flatly replied "okay" to everything she tried to throw at me, to the point the customers in line behind her stood up for me and told her she was being unreasonable and rude and tried to point out the situation to which she then flew into screaming at them and saying very mean things to them. Coworkers around the store came by to make sure everything was okay with the commotion she was making. Little did this woman know, I grew up and worked with major narcissists my whole life and have been educating myself on how to better handle them. Sorry, 3 year old in a 55 year old woman's body - not gonna take that bait.
This. I’ve always said that growing up with a narc was the best preparation for irate customers and grown-ass baby co-workers.
Awesome ❤
Real g
Easier said than done, but don’t take the bait! It won’t lead you anywhere good.
It will be the same as it was to them
They love to get on the phone and pretend they and someone else is talking about you, and if you confront them, they lie. Sometimes they say the name of the other person, and when you ask the other person later, that person is legitimately confused and says that they were never upset with you.
A friend once told me that if you're in a car with a narcissit (or anyone else that makes you uncomfortable), pretend to get car sick. They will pull over because no one wants vomit in their car. 🤣
Great idea 😅
excellent never thought of that perfect!!!
😂😂😂😂.
Let's try something new 😂. If there's anything you desperately need out of the narcissists,,,, MANIPULATE THE MANIPULATOR... So, how do you do that you say?????, GIVE THEM A COMPLIMENT!!!!! and watch what happens!!!! 😁😁😁😂😂.
The last relationship I had was with a narcissist. 2 years after I literally kicked him out of my house (and he tried to convince the cops that he, not I, owned it!), he came up to me in a grocery and loudly exclaimed: "Let's let bygones be bygones!" and spoke for at least a long 2-3 minutes! I was amazed that I was able to keep reading labels and comparing products. He finally walked away exclaiming: "Just be that way then. I feel sorry for anybody that lives their life like you do!" Of course, the busy-body gossips were all staring and whispering among themselves as I shopped. I was surprised that I didn't care until I realized the relief which I was feeling! I was able to not respond in any way - no comment, no shrug, no look. I just continued doing what I was doing as if he was not there. I admit, too, that I am proud of myself for being able to do it after spending a lifetime trying to get over the effects of a family of narcissists. I also finally realized that I was attracted to narcissists because they were familiar, all that I knew. I guess I thought everyone acted this way!
I only wish I had cut ties with my toxic birth family sooner. Like at 21. It would have saved much wasted time, energy, and health - and relationships.
Dang. Good for you 👍 Respect
I'm really proud for you. Fortunately I never had to deal with that kind of BS, maybe due to my rebellious personality. I never ever allowed anyone to control or manipulate me.
I still remember my narcissistic mother’s taunting me to make me upset and then her delight: “You can dish it out but you can’t take it”
That’s my mom favorite line lol it was some advice she gave that I did ask for speaking about my partner
That's pure evil.
Narcissists can dish it out but they can't take even a tiny portion of their own medicine. #Narcissism #Narcissists #NarcissisticAbuse
@@tlove6932 Soooo true!
The one who gave birth to me would wait until I was happy or getting ready to eat to start with me about her drama du jour. Glad she's out of my life.
My narcissistic brother died last month. My narcissist mother called me to let me know. I had only talked to her once in 12 years. As soon as I answered, she told me he died, then immediately went into a line of deeply personal questioning about my life, when I told her I wasn't answering personal questions, she went into a hateful and angry tirade, and I hung up on her. This reminds me of the birthday baiting you speak about in this video. I appreciate your videos, they have helped me understand what is going on in my life, and giving me some tools to help keep Dark Triad people at bay in my life, and I am an absolute magnet to them.
I am sorry for the loss of your brother it can be quite unsettling when a love one dies who is/was a narcissist, one of my sons died last year after more than twenty years of extreme alcohol abuse, he was a narcissist to boot, my siblings(4 of them)showed all there narc abuse in living color! Apparently, death of my son was just a minor thing I was enduring, but a "big stage" for all of them to perform there various narcissistic cruelties, dismissing me and my daughter griefs(she is a 34 yr old women with downs syndrome), blaming me, gaslighting me, I went straight back to strict no contact!!! To hell with them.
How sad. Narcs don't change. Grey rock works for me.
@@Fotoeop Keep getting your "PHD" in narcissistic patterns of behavior, from Dr. Ramani, you will begin to shift your energies and they will lose interest, or you will begin to notice things way sooner in folks who have these patterns and get the heck out of their way...if possible. We are literally fighting for our very existence, yes we may stumble at times, but at the very least we will get up from it and live to fight another day,
Yup grey rock with very stoic responses. "I cant control how you feel about me" or "I understand" or "Your take on this issue is particularly interesting"....
Is everyone a narcissist except for you?
So much to unpack.
We give away the keys to our souls. It's the most cruel form of slavery.
'keys to our souls' - concise and precise too. But never again! Thanks Kenneth
Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.”🙏
My ex-husband used to provoke in any way he could, and then turn around and say I had "anger issues." So, whenever he flew in to narcissistic rage, the first thing I did, with a calm smirk that I learned from someone was say, just as he would, "Oh my gosh, you have such anger issues!" It did stop him in the moment but- as most narcissists will do, he just eventually came up with some other tactic.
DO NOT LET THEM WIN. THAT IS WHAT THEY WANT. YOU FELL INTO THE TRAP AND REACTED NEGATIVELY. DO NOT ENGAGE OR GET ANGRY OR AFRAID. WALK AWAY. LEAVE THEM STANDING THERE WITH NO ONE TO ABUSE. I HAD ONE WOMAN TRY THIS ON ME AND THEN RUN AND CALL THE COPS. THEY HOPE YOU WILL THEN FIGHT WITH THEM. THE NARC GOT JOY FROM DOING THIS. THEY LOSE WHEN YOU DON'T PLAY.
That's right J Jones leave them to abuse others and not you
Thank you for this. I am currently in the ending weeks of a on/off 5 year relationshiT with a very selfish and self centered person. Two days ago, I needed to have my dog euthanized. I love this dog SO MUCH. The soon to be ex did not offer to go with me when Titus and I went to the vet for the last time. Admittedly, it was best that my last few moments with my wonderful dog wasn't tarnished with a toxic person being there. In all the grief I am going through with losing my dog I also have an unshakeable clarity that this relationshiT will hit it's expiration date very soon. I will not let them win!
That is so true!
Indeed they plan everything accordingly, stressing you over and over and over again for a decade. When you figure them out they rage at you and use the word JELEOUS to excuse their toxic behavior. Hope one day we will be able to take them to court.
@@feliciatiba2885 Thank you.
In long-term marriage with covert narcissist husband - just figuring it out, with Dr. Ramini's help, after all these years . What is helping me now is to say to myself when I'm around him that this is a person who will throw you under the bus with hesitation or compunction. This thought helps me not to share with him anything but the most mundane, practical matters of living in the same house.. God bless you, Dr. Ramini! You are saving lives with your work!
*I relate to this HARD. I have a narcissistic sister who will say and do things to deliberately provoke you just for the fun of it. She almost gets a kick out of getting under peoples skin. Thank you so much for this video Dr Ramani🙏🏻💕*
I feel your pain. I have the same, nothing less than a double downing grandiose/ covert sister, literally from birth. Bless us both 🙏
Ugh, this is what my sister did for our entire childhood together. No more, as I went NC about 13 years ago.
Same
@@anaphylaxis2548 me too not spoken to her for over 20 years now. Few family understand why, but such a hard boundary is needed to restrict her baiting, though she has got through a few times before my understanding grew. Lots to thank Dr Ramani for. 🙏
We must have the same sister, probably mother too.
A lesson learned by me is only tell people what they need to know. Otherwise, you run the risk of it being used against you by these individuals at a time when you really need friends, not enemies 💯
One of the ways my husband used to bait me was by playing dumb. He would ask me the same question multiple times in different ways. This caused me to feel frustrated and irritable, so I would snap after his acting as if he had misunderstood me after so many times of asking me the same question! Now I recognize much of the sheer manipulation of that relationship. This realization will help me screen better for all future relationships!
It’s called weaponized incompetence! It has a name! Doesn’t have to be in the form of questions but certainly that qualifies
@@M_SC thank you for that information! I had no idea it had a name, but weaponized incompetence fits perfectly!
lol! That's what my ex does. Sad.
My spouse asks questions constantly; where items are, where one of our kids are, when they go to work, when they get off work, who is this, what is that, on and on. I've never thought of it as baiting before, mostly I have wondered if they have early onset demenia which they clearly do not. The weaponized incompetence makes so much sense because it has kept me on alert to answer questions and try to be patient with constant interruptions. It seems like it's all about control. Sad!
@@Ma-Says yes, you're right. I didn't know what a narcissist was until I told a couple of friends something my husband had said that confused and upset me with its disrespect. Both friends told me he sounded like a narcissist. So of course with that realization, God leading me to the videos of Dr. Ramani and Dr. Carter, and the helpful comments on both channels, I feel that so many things make sense after years of being in narcissistic relationships and not realizing it! The good thing is, once we're aware of this dysfunctional style and our eyes are open, there is no falling back asleep on this topic.
For all those with mandatory family loyalty-- in other words forced relationships due to birth, marriage / relations:
"Blood is thicker than water" is a bastardization of the full quote--
"The blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb."
Those who stand by you, who shed blood in battle beside you they are your family.
Bonds of loyalty and choice are stronger than mere genetics.
My Narc Mom, @ 14 years old, bought me cigs. One day I asked for one. She had a camera set up... She provoked me & I reacted; she blew smoke in my face whilst refusing me one & I got angry, but tried to leave the house... (My Narc Mom does diagnoses for a living...) My mom got on top of me & wouldn't let me leave. My dad got home & called the cops. I was put in a mental institution (erroneously diagnosed with bipolar thanks to mommy dearest) & forced to go to NA. I thought I was forced into NA bec I was addicted to cigarettes.... @ 40 years old, my dad told me that my mom said I was on LSD @ age 14, which was why I didn't show up positive for drugs or alcohol. This lie amongst many other lies my Mom has told definitely ruined my life... Both of my parents are incredibly wealthy... My Narc Mom is with the same multimillionaire, who also went to Harvard, that she cheated on my dad with... 42 years Old. On Disability. Alone & Homeless... My Narc Mom almost won...- Happy Mother's Day, Mommy Dearest!
BTW... I quit smoking cigarettes 2.5 years ago!
Dr. Ramani, thanks from the bottom of my heart for your videos. The beginning of my healing journey ... Thanks! Perfect video for me personally on Mother's Day!
She tried ❤
I didn't even know what to call a thing until I found Dr. R. I agree her teachings have been life saving for me. I'm sorry to hear Abt your homelessness though. Sometimes our trying to escape all contact with the narc can put us through dire straights landing us on the far opposite end if we don't play their game and re-engage with them. It's been since 2015 that I began safely distancing myself from my narc family and 2016 ended all toxic relationships with them. After a few yrs I got over that guilt that society puts on you for going healthy ESPECIALLY this one....."you know you only get ONE mother in this life*.... To that I say....Thank God! One of her running around it's plenty!!! Stay strong sister. You will see a brighter day,. If there is any way I can help you please let me know. Peace and love
Your life is a movie story. Wish you all the best.
@@sundown777what? What are you talking about?
I wish you a downhill healing path.
Absolutely. I am divorcing a covert narc, and he is using every single thing against me in this divorce, claiming I am and unfit mother, have mental health issues, am not capable of having health relationships, and have manipulated our children against him (they've seen enough to know he is not a safe person and they're old enough to make their own choices). He's verbally and emotionally abused myself and both our children and is continuing to do so. It is a nightmare. He is evil. I can't wait until this is done.
Happy Mothers Day to all the moms out there - especially Dr. Ramani - and to those of us who had to deal with narcissistic moms. I can now proudly state that I’m in the final phase of closing off my relationship with my narcissist mother. I have gone to “yellow” rock stage with her, and she has no choice but to try to bait me. I t means she understands that she no longer has the same power over me. Her attacks are now ugly insults and complaints about minor issues, because I no longer share anything important with her.
Her personal attacks have lost the affect she intends: they’ve become less annoying and mores a source of amusement. I couldn’t have gotten here without you, Dr. Ramani! 💕
My brother came over “for Mother’s Day” only to be abused to the point he blew up. This video was literally prophetic.
My mom just stays in denial and so I would have to play along. I've gone no contact. Some lady in recovery looked at me once and said she's super codependent. lol! I think she is the most codependent person I've ever met it's sad.
Baiting IS insidious. 🔥🔥🔥 Thank you for explaining it. Narcissists are so insecure.
Thank you for explaining this because now I know why my mother gets so rage filled in the car and just starts spewing lava at me for no apparent reason at all. I new something was up when her new baiting strategy was throwing my father death in my face and going on a conspiracy about how it was probably because he was using heroin again. When she saw I wasn’t reacting, she acted like there was something wrong with me and then apologized in her “sorry not sorry way.” Maybe the best way to go about this is to mentally think how fascinating it is to see insanity in action.
Fascinating? More like exhausting but I get your point. I'd rather watch hummingbirds then spend time I can't get back revisiting their narcissistic behaviors. Stay healthy, you are worth the fight!!
Are we siblings?
Narcissist mothers are the worst!
Oh dear, these Narcissist are something else. Please Take care of yourself, stay safe. God bless
@Mel-pv8bs Excellent point - to pull out of the dynamic and observe this bizarre behavior in action. It could serve to get you through a bad car ride with the Narc at the wheel.
Ong staying calm when a narcissist is baiting you works like a dream. 😂 Seriously, i have a narc family member and when we call the family meeting to deal with all the problems we were experiencing (due to her triangulating) we did this. I told everyone to stay calm no matter what. We did and she literally through her bible scripture and notes on the ground and stomped and cried. She had to be escorted out of the room by her son twice just to calm her down. It was glorious. Ever since then I have no problem staying calm. Just sit back, relax and enjoy the show. 😂
😂
🕊️ Wishing peace of mind, spirit and body to all who are/were dismissed, devalued, discarded, neglected, or traumatized by their narcissistic mother. Whoever and wherever you are please KNOW you are loved, you do matter, and the world needs you. ❤
Thoughtful and kind ,Michele.Thank you ❤🕊
❤thank you. My the care and support return to you a 1000 times
I wish I had found your series decades ago. My sister has been doing this for literally years and decades. The victim, the Matryr. There´s always some drama she can´t cope with and drags me in to it. Decades ago it was her kids, her finances, her ex, her job. And because you´re family and are supposed to be supportive you try to offer support and advice. And then you get "what´s it got to do with you/they´re not your kids" etc etc. So you walk away. And then there´s something else. In the last 3 years and through covid, our dad died of cancer. All through that, she was complaining about running errands for them and shouting and screaming about it, knowing full well that they couldn´t get out of the house and that I live in another country and couldn´t leave the country because there were literally no flights as the borders were closed. But still, "you should be here!" yet neither of our parents have ever once asked me to go back, they knew why I left and were happy and proud of me for making the break. It got so bad with her complaining that even Dad said to her not to go anymore and they would hire some help if she was going to be like that, even though he was dying. And she even lied to my dad on his death bed, told him I should be able to just jump on a plane and get there, knowing full well that I couldn´t. A surreptitious way of trying to make herself look better I guess. Mum told her herself about it and was pretty disgusted with my sister. And it´s continued since Dad died, with mum, despite her having had several strokes and being very frail. gaslighting her, saying she´s losing her mind when she clearly isn´t, but has lost her ability to speak properly. Screaming at mum all the time instead of having any empathy with her. It´s just such toxic behaviour.
I had an online meeting just yesterday with Mum and a speech therapist in which mum expressed her wishes, and the therapist went through a series of questions to ensure that Mum knew the risks, and we established that she did understand everything without any prompting. I was basically involved to support mum in her choices, and I don´t mind admitting that I cried afterwards, because it could mean we lose mum soon. But she is just so tired of it all now. But yet my sister said the night before that Mum didn´t understand, doesn´t have mental capacity. And sure, she does a fair bit for mum, but Mum is in a care home now and being well looked after. But still my sister complains endlessly. And if there´s bigger stuff, legal stuff to sort out, she calls me. And then has the audacity to say to some stranger, "my brother thinks he knows everything and likes to take over" but yet in the next breath, she wants me to take over. And If I can figure a way to be there for a few months, I will. And "relieve her of duty" At least then Mum might get some peace in her last few months, although I can guarantee she still won´t back off or stop complaining. And then after mum is gone, she will do the "oh I miss her so much" on facebook, just like she does with Dad.
I guess the very fact that i´m even commenting here shows that what my sister does, especially regarding my mum triggers me, but it´s good to have some professional advice on this. So thanks for that. The best thing I ever did for myself was years ago, when I left my home country and went travelling for 6 months, but didn´t have a mobile phone and the internet was hardly even a thing. So I called my mum once a week from a landline to let her know where I was, and that was it. Almost zero contact with anyone back there. And after Mum has passed, I will be doing that again, but this time, for good. Because I´m so tired of it all too.
And if you are strong enough to resist the "bait", then they will be grumpy and moody and guilt trip you for not taking the bait and letting them "win"... (from experience)...(you can't win...)
Damn shame. This is what I am currently dealing with. It's so freaking pathetic! Ugh😢
These videos are like a fan blowing the cloud of narcissistic control away to clear my vision. Thank you so much
I went through 2 therapists, before I found one that gets it. He was the first person to tell me I had a narcissist mother. Mother's Day is the worst, but I know things now. I think of her not as a mother, but as this elderly psych patient I help out. I no longer give her any useful personal information and I am learning to set boundaries.
From now on thinking of my mother as the elderly psych patient I help out.
I went no contact with my mother and it was the healthiest things I’ve ever done for myself.
@@lydiacohen203 She was still blaming me for everything and raging at me. I am now at minimal contact. I call for 5 min, 1 day per week to check if she needs anything or has a bill that needs paid. That is it.
OMG, the birthday baiting really hit home! Once my sister and I (twins) were sharing an apartment and we knew my narc mom was going to call on our birthday, which we dreaded. We both decided to just not answer the phone because we wanted a peaceful birthday. She got so enraged (under the guise of "worry") that she contacted the upstairs neighbor (how she got her phone number we will never know since we didn't even know them) and pulled such a sob story that they left a note up on our door "maybe you should call your mom." We were so embarrassed!
This was so hard when I was growing up, getting baited by my mother, and her little narcissists-in-training, my siblings. I'm no contact with the lot of them now, OBVIOUSLY, so they have to be satisfied with making up and spreading nasty rumors about me. Wish I'd had the self-control to ignore them but they just kept ratcheting it up until I cracked and then they would accuse me of having a bad temper and being hard to get along with. If I dared complain I was told to grow up and ignore them, instead of them being told to knock it off. Thank you so much for this video - it's really helped me to understand what was going on.
I applaud you for having the courage to divorce yourself from their toxicity. I hope that you are finding peace and gratitude in being strong enough to leave them in your dust.
You’ve come through very sane to your own credit.
Well dear former scapegoat.
You are now a black stallion and never have to carry the sins of these people on your back ever again.
Welcome into the black stallion family of freedom.
We embrace you. We accept you. We love you. Your anger is a human emotion.
And you are a badass!!!
I spent literally years getting hooked into this! Finally, our grown son helped me overtime reacting to his Dad's baiting. It is strange how in so many ways I learned to deal with the Narcissistic X, but for some reason I found not taking the bait so difficult. LOL
@@forensicbadassprofiling hell yeah!!! 🖤
My ex just sent me a happy Mother’s Day text to me “accidentally”. I was a step mom to those neglected children for 3 years. I know they are on the worst path possible- 10 years old and self harming etc. I stayed in that relationship longer to try and help them. Having children is a tender spot for me and I wasted 3 years on this man. I needed this video so much today. Thanks Dr Ramini
I am so sorry! I am in that situation now, and was trying to leave, but he's now telling me I need to stay for his kids. At some point you realize you can't lift a narcissist up, that you will only be dragged down. I'm so sorry you're still having to deal with this man.
Having to leave a narcissist that has kids that aren't yours is the hardest thing in the world. You have no legal right to take them and you know their life will be gell if they stay....I was/am in the situation for 2nd time, it's gut wrenching. I'm proud if you for getting away and I hope your path to healing is clear and full of love.
Happy Mother's day for helping ABUSED mother's Doc
You’ve no idea how validating this video is for me. My ex husband used to do the exact that and then just sit and watch me. How cruel is that!! He’d poke me even more when I would start crying, few times I ended up pushing him and he called me a crazy! I don’t know how I actually survived for almost 10 years with 2 small kids. I’m so glad I didn’t fall for his love-bombing when I asked for a divorce!!!
It's not about you...it is about how someone tries "dismantle" what you are all about.
*my brother and his wife sent me an xmas gift. he texted me, hey did you get our gift? i replied, no i actually recently moved. he was angry at me for not telling him i moved. he cares about getting me to thank him; not about oh, why did you move or are you okay.
The birthday baiting is soo true. Recently got a Ramadhan baiting under the context that it’s the “month of forgiveness .” Interesting that they use special holidays to hoover you back in.
Thanks so much for this one, I really needed it today. I'm being baited right now and it's tough. I especially needed reminding that in a relationship with a narcissist, I can't win. It makes it so much easier to just work on protecting myself and taking care of myself when I remember that, and stop looking for a way to make my narcissist behave in a non-narcissistic way.
Hey I'm running my bath water as you speak Right this minute! I have got to take care of me! Thank God you are no longer their supply! You see how a tweaker or meth head or crackhead gets when they can't get their supply? Let them find someone else to go extrapolate Life giving energy from. Tell them yours is no longer for sale or available!
Yes, there's no winning. Even the narc doesn't win. Thinking of maybe feigning a bad reaction when he's baiting, so he can get that supply & regulate, before it escalates. Pretend to be hurt, offended, whatever and be done with it.
You don't have to win. It's like having 2 cars that work. 1 of them you have to massage it to work. The other, get in start, and drive away. Hurt verbage? The narc is not the author of life let alone yours.
As soon as it starts, I scan my head real fast , I ask what does dr. Ramani say! First thing is don’t react! I have no supports my whole life I’ve attracted narcissists, it’s starts in childhood then I thought it was normal.
If you are lost in a narcissistic life cycle I’d highly recommend to follow Dr. Ramani .
Thank goodness she’s willing to share so much.
I really appreciate this video. I have gone 'no contact's with my family for almost a year now. I have just been through a 'birthday sabotage" in the form of a voicemail that starts, not with happy birthday but"I remember giving birth to you..." then how frail and deprived... Then tears and accusations AND messages from flying monkeys telling me to call as they are so worried about me. Except that when the phone rang and I saw who was calling, I had a panic attack and decided there was no way I would let them upset me on my day. Since then I keep having to talk myself out of reoccurring thoughts that I am being selfish and I am only imagining the narcissistic tactics. I am grateful to have this confirmation that I am making healthy choices here. Thank you!
The panic attack shows you exactly where the problem is coming from -- and it isn't you!
Thank you for sharing. I too have to talk myself out of re-engaging with my narcissistic family and my mother, the queen of narcissism. My stepfather is a bipolar narcissist now turning 83 and the sht I endured having to show gratitude to him for stepping in and "raising me". All I can say is thank God that I escaped at the age of 17!!!
One day, sometimes one phone call, at a time.
You got this 👍
The ONLY regret I had about NO CONTACT 30 YEARS AGO....
WAS I DIDN'T DO IT 40 YEARS AGO!
STAY STRONG..
THEY ARE REALLY THE FECES THEY ARE...DON'T STEP IN IT AGAIN..
its hard when you have been raised to think self care and self love is selfish - crazy
You are brilliant! And so generous to share this all with us. We thank you.❤ SO grateful! This is tough stuff. Yes being forewarned is forearmed. THX!
I still think it's worse when it's a parent. My narc mom ruins holidays still even after 13 years of no contact.
It's the worst when your mom is the narc.
Of course. Cause you don't choose your parents or the situation you were born into. But you can choose a partner even though people try to say you don't have a choice in the relationships you have 🤔🤣🤣
I have this problem too so I totally sympathise with you. You deserve happiness and joy in your life. Good luck
I endured a lot of baiting disguised as concern. Your videos are tremendously validating. The worst is trying to exit a bait heavy conversation only to be followed and harassed. My mother would follow me to my room and harass me through the door, or follow me outside to harass me as I got into my car to leave. Relentlessly terrible
This channel has changed my life ❤ Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
This is EXACTLY how it goes. SICK GAMES. It's so textbook, thank you for understanding how it is for victims. Thank you for validating our experiences, and offering counsel.
When dealing with narcissism, you should know that it’s not personal. “It isn’t personal” is one of those cliches used to cushion all kinds of bad actions taken by people who need an out for being immoral, but in this case it actually gets near the truth. Narcissists don’t know how to love or be a friend; they can’t afford to spare the energy to learn, because they’re always in a state of high emergency, cataloging potential threats and redoubling their defenses. When they claim to love you, it means nothing. They may even think they mean it, but they don’t understand the concept - they can’t feel it. They never attach to you or anyone else. Other people are paper cut-outs to the narcissist, like those cardboard figures of celebrities you pose next to for a selfie. Narcissist value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing. They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves. When they toss you out, it’s no more meaningful than a junkie tossing away a needle; when they try to reel you back in, it only means that they tired of the new drug and need a hit of the old. None of this is personal. They’re too terrified to have personal relationships, opting instead for extraction of admiration from a subservient partner whose range of action they strictly constrain. This is not personal. None of it. The narcissist does not know who you are - it doesn’t know how to know other people. Like the vampire or the chainsaw-wielding creature in the horror film, it’s from another world, bereft of the concept of human connection. Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..
Well said
Any advice for me I have gang stalkers everywhere I go of all races I exposed them I threats everyday and told there’s no hope for me can’t move right now and even I do I’m told there gonna follow me familiar and friends have turned on me at a alarming rate I ignore when I can and sometimes engage I also have people reading my facial expressions and am told no one is helping you from passer Byers ??
Yes it is personal
What a shame you are a spammer.
Oh my word. 😂 I don't know whether or not to laugh or cry 😢 5:20
Thank you. I needed this so much. They are impossible to get through to they take every opportunity to hurt you and cause division among other family members. So toxic. I just want to get away from it.
You described my entire childhood like you were there. 😢❤
The part about doing it so often in the car when you're trapped was so dead on. She'd wait until the middle of a long drive, and just start laying into me for all the ways she thinks I'm garbage. It was really effective at cutting me off from our entire social group, because I didn't want the abuse I'd receive at the end of the night on the ride home, and sometimes even on the way there.
She's a great one to never see again.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, so much!! All of your videos have helped me so much in understanding years of narcissistic abuse. Stay strong fellow humans!!
So right on time, for me! My sister has been group text baiting me for a week and a half. Several times I have typed up a response and not sent it. She’s so mean, and dishonest.
Thank you for posting this. I needed the reinforcement. 🙏
Living this right now. Staying strong thanks to your years of advice Dr. Ramani. You truly are amazing and are saving so many.
I have a family member who does this all the time, snide remarks , talking to their self about you so you can hear , etc . They want you to snap so they can accuse you of being crazy or accuse you of being the aggressor.
Perfect that this video landed on Mother's Day. I'm low contact/gray rock with my elderly narc mom who is in assisted living. I see her every other week to manage her meds and bring her stuff. In between she often sends belligerent or passive-aggressive emails that I ignore and delete. But I make a point to keep it civil, even cordial when I visit her. This week I brought her some flowers for Mother's Day (no card). She sent me an email saying "Thank for the nice flowers...you didn't have to do that though. I know how you feel about me. Sorry you have to visit me so often." She can't just say "thank you" and leave it at that. Always got to get a dig or two in.
You're always so spot on. I can think back to so many arguments with my ex-wife where she would try to label me with something because of how I would react to her over the top remarks. It was so emotionally exhausting to deal with and I would begin to believe her. I would tell couples therapists that I didn't think it was true, but it was too late because she already got to them and they didn't know how to deal with a N.
After being separated for 10 years, I have never felt the same way I did in those arguments. I have learned to recognize when someone is being manipulative and disingenuous and be true to myself.
Once you learn, what your dealing with you know the consequences if you take the bait, it's like it's mind over matter,think things through because for every action there's a consequence 👍 thanks Dr RAMANI and Happy mother's day everyone 🙏
It's funny because the examples you gave about what's NOT baiting are exactly the type of things that the narcs think we do to piss them off. And we are just walking around living our lives 😂
Happy mothers’ day Dr. Ramani!
You have shed so much light on all these confusions, having a narc father and an enabling flying monkey mother. You are literally describing my life in most of your videos. I am still struggling in my 30s to heal from the deeply rooted damage and now slowly trying to understand all of these to come out of the misery.
Thank you
Much love ❤
Yes, it is tough not to react to tactics but it will get easier for you each time you reserve yourself and maintain your limits. Take care of yourself, hang in there, move forward as soon as you can. Keep your plans to yourself. ♥
Dr. Ramani understands narcissist so well. I don't know anyone describe narcissist in words as well as you do. I always can't explain how nasty they are to me.
Yes bc she's one herself
Thank you for adding the last part of this video of what is NOT baiting. I had a friend that wanted to hear only positive things. If she mentioned something she wanted to do and I shared a perspective on it, she would think I was raining on her parade. I was being gentle and transparent. Here's an example. Fact. This friend can't stand doing paperwork. She told me this. So one day she said she wanted to go back to school for a 4th major. First it was anthropology. Then it was massage therapy. Then it was farming. And now it was Psychology she wanted to go back to school to take. I could see a bit of jumping around. Not my business. But the debt was keeping her shackled and now she was going to add more debt. As a friend, I was gentle and honest and encouraged that she ask people who are in the field of psychology about the amount of paperwork that it usually entails. I said this to bring up and tie together the fact that she hates doing paperwork. She snapped at me and told me not to rain on her parade and not to discourage her. I'm like WHAT?! I wasn't trying to discourage her. It's the truth...most of the time when you're involved in the field of psychology there are lots of notes to be written. I know close people who work in the field and that's what they tell me....lots of notes. My own brother used to stay up late doing notes. It's a thing. Because I know she loves to read, I mentioned that psychology could be learned from books and there wouldn't be any debt or notes to do. Hopefully she would research it first before jumping in. Some people don't want to hear other perspectives. I didn't say Don't Do it. I was saying...think it over. She felt like I was one of those narcissists that tries to bring you down when you share an idea. It wasn't that. A narc doesn't try to help you and save you from yourself.
My sister had accused me of being a narcissist (among other things). I wasn't sure what exactly that was, so here I am researching and learning so much. I have to contact her as she is living with our elderly Mother. I am learning so much and recognize her baiting me now. I am using the gray rock technique and she has stepped it up, so far. I carry my little gray pebble when I visit now to remind me to stay strong and not engage. I still draw the line where she becomes physical. It's tough, but videos like this give me hope for a way out. Unfortunately I will probably have to endure her abuse until Mom has passed on and I can then go no contact. Stay strong, These people only have the power that we supply. peace
I fully came to terms 100% that I've been dating a narcissist for 2 years. The hunch turning into a full blown knowing is heart breaking, eyeopening, liberating, and empowering all at the same time.
One time, during a heated argument, where I was in total distress with tears streaming down my face, I asked him what he even got out of being in a relationship with me, and without missing a beat, he responded w "thats none of ur damn business!" At the time, I was stunned and confused at that answer. But, It makes a whole lot of f*****g sense now. God I feel bamboozled
You addressed the ebb and flow of leaving a narc relationship. Thank you!! It is difficult mines family and they’re all I have here. He beat the crap out of me last week. Their is no safety in a relationship like this!!
Oh my goodness that’s exactly what my mum did to me the other day after I sent a “grey rock” response to one of her “Look at me, your brother & my grandchildren having a wonderful time” texts (incl photos). The next text was a bait & so cruel towards my wife. When that was ignored she turned up outside our house & sat in the car for 3hrs waiting for me to come out. She’s 85 & the level of narcissistic abuse towards me is still shocking. Expected but shocking. I didn’t bite but I was raging inside & the rumination quelling is exhausting
Wow I never realized that what I was experiencing had a name. Birthday baiting....AGAIN THANK YOU FOR TAKING TIME TO PRODUCE SUCH CONTENT THAT HELPS ME AND OTHER SURVIVORS OF NARCISSISTS GAIN USEFUL TOOLS TO DEFEND OURSELVES AGAINST THESE BEHAVIORS AND INSULTS. YOUR TEACHINGS KEEP US SAFE AND HEALTHY! THANK YOU, MY HATS OFF TO YOU DR. R. YOU ARE BRILLIANT!!!! HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!! PEACE AND BLESSINGS!
Pls don't yell
Thank you Dr.Ramani. I have began complete distancing and these birthday and holiday episodes are still difficult for me. Listening to this vid deepened my understanding, so thankful you posted it.
I needed this a few hours ago. I realized my family was toxic about a yr ago. Until you know you think things are "normal" They set me up today. I'm done. They'll figure it out when they never hear from me again. #distanceoverdisrespect
I am such a trusting person, for a while. When I am intentionally harmed I go into full tactical self-defense mode. Not my first rodeo. I do not even like to use the restroom with the door shut at home due to previous trauma. When you spoke about being in a car and isolated with that person it makes me... terrified in red and yellow heat. I sequester to my "nest of safety". People do not get it unless they get it. Period. Makes it hard to explain why you cannot go out freely. Thank you so much for the strength to help me get through this chapter of my life. Much love and merry holiday wishes to you and yours, my distant friend.
Narcissist parenting style- make the little child cry and then tell them shouldn’t be crying 😢
I’m a victim of suddenly “new” friends and neighbors wanting to “help me”. Be careful of new acquaintances who are so happy to be your best friend, to help you with dog sitting, fixing your toilets, providing you with names of their favorite home repairmen, giving you unsolicited advice when you have a home, car, family emergency. As a woman, be careful. Women narcissists are worse than men. They smell you out as a lonely empath and take advantage of you later. After years of abuse from a narcissistic husband, I thought I found my best friend and sister. But I started to see how she would put me down in front of others and could be very manipulative. She was constantly late or cancelled on me. Something she knew bothered me. She never apologized and in the end I was done. She screwed her boyfriend of thousands of dollars and that’s what really made me feel like she was a bad person. I’m just happy to be alone. Why take on more misery?
Laugh at their provoking and realize only insecure people bully
I have been following you for years, and your videos have literally saved my life. I do want to add that I believe narcissists do know how their baiting affects other people. In my experience, the narcissist baits you in order to destabilize you and destroy your peace.
OMG! I have been a listener for about a month now. This message is the best! Thank you for being on social media. I am beginning to heal!
My son’s father is really good at baiting. I’m still learning, and healing. Thank you Dr. Ramani you’re really helping me cope and realize I’m really not crazy after all.
I could write a book on the things I’ve witnessed over the years. As soon as you said birthday every single birthday, Mother’s Day, anniversary, Valentine’s Day and Christmas popped into my head. The guilt I’m left feeling because I’d like to be surprised or thought of without all the drama, I’d rather just skip every one of those days than actually have the negative horrible feelings I’m left with. It got so bad at one point I stopped letting the good parts be the highlight. I dread those days when it comes to me, I know what’s coming.
A narci is very image conscious. They always are aware of who is watching and always will try to frame themselves in the best light and, if you are a problem, they will frame you in the negative. Sometimes this is done very subtly.
Coming from a place where I have gone through most of this, It's always a relief to receive Confirmation about what has happened in my life. Thank you So Much Dr. Ramani. You have been placed here from Above, No Doubt as your videos are like the emotional lidocaine to the raw open wounds... knowledge really is power. Thank you Dr. Ramani ❤
This is so eye-opening, I feel so validated. I have spent all weekend educating myself, it has been 7+ years of questioning my reality and my sanity. Baiting is his weapon of choice, he is so vicious. Every time I gain the upper hand in an argument (or god forbid walk away) then begins the relentless spewing of all of my darkest insecurities in the cruelest way. I realize now he sees emotion and vulnerability as weakness, and weaponizes my private secrets as premium bait. I have given in countless times, given into the chaos that makes me look like the out-of-control, unhinged villain.. playing right into his trap to let him start playing the victim.. but this will NEVER happen to me again. Thank you so much-- I have a lot of healing to do but I am now equipped to know how to handle future situations with this person.
Happy mother's day Dr. Ramani, thanks for making me sane with your books and videos, I wish nothing but the best in life for you. I wish your books came in other languages so I could share them with my family members that don't speak english.
My narc mother would talk to relatives and ask them to use the 'she's your mom after all' and filial piety bs on me. Only one person took the bait but the majority ignore her, because they all know what she did. It's really tough out there much love to everyone who's going through this! ❤ Thank you Dr. Ramani for your super helpful videos you are a life saver! 🙏
Another thing that an ex-narcissistic friend who has discarded you will do on social media is the tag other people on topics, or perhaps their own birthday party, and will conspicuously leave you out. They know you will notice this.
Mine took it upon herself to take me off of a party list she was co-hosting with a mutual friend. My hubby was still invited though. It was done on fb and he never goes on there. I had no idea what was going on until the host got in touch with me to see if we were coming. He kept trying to send me the invite and the tab would not take. So I just played dumb and laughed it off and blamed it on Zuckerberg😂 We could not be at the party due to other plans so no point in getting mad about it. The trouble she went through for little old me was comical. To be honest, I don't go yearly because it's always on a family birthday weekend, she always co-hosts and I don't want to be around her but we were friends on facebook as casual aquaintences due to business reasins. I was unaware she was creeping me for the benefit of the exnarc and his exnarc wife who happens to be the best friend of this co hosting flying monkey. I was unaware of that. She has been tring hard since pre-covid to bait me, overstepped a bit too much. The only reaction she has recieved, is me blocking her. I also blocked the extra recruit she managed to sway over, and unfriended anyone affiliated that I had become aquainted with that is connected to her. Where as before she made every effort to make sure I saw her when we were in a common space? She is now doing her best to finish the job I started by erasing herself. She knows I know.
Five hours later and several listenings and mullings while I clean……..
Even better than I thought it would be.
Full of insight, understanding and wise advice.
Thank you x
I appreciate this video so much! I am divorced from the narcissist but we share children. The baiting tactics have switched up often. The most recent one is to send me compliments about how wonderful of a parent I am or wishing me a happy birthday. Also “playdates” with the moms of my children’s friends. I don’t respond because it has absolutely nothing to do with our children - which is the only reason any communication is required among us. I would like to know if anyone else has experienced something similar.
Very eye opening information. I always wondered why after I start loosing it they get serious and I am left looking unhinged. This has taken a very serious toll on my mental and physical health. I realized how unstable I have been feeling and I often blame myself for it. I think I should give myself time to process and recover and then next time it arises at least I know not to be so reactive and it's more to do with them and not me. I think I am a narcissistic magnet, I realize how many people in my life do the same things.
Dr. Ramani I can't tell you how much your words and education on narcissism has helped me continue moving forward and given me a little hope and I hope that my two little boys can survive their father as well. Thank you
Thank you for this video Dr Ramani! It truly is mind blowing. I’m still trying to heal and recover from the narcissist that I used to date. He still keeps tryna bother me. And it’s sucking my energy.. draining me out.😢
This is so good and true! Thanks for your videos. I have found the more I didn’t respond to putting my friends down or whatever and just ignored the comments, or when I began questioning them , they backed down. I realize this is not always the case and this situation was not a romantic partnership, a friend.
Hello, I am going through a tough relationship with a narcissist spouse. What she’s saying is 💯 correct. Narcissists are extremely good in hiding their true intent and act loving. They can keep up their act even for years and then suddenly show their true self. Her videos have helped me a lot in regulating my response