you all probably dont give a shit but does someone know a way to log back into an instagram account?? I stupidly lost the password. I would love any assistance you can offer me
Oh my goodness!!! GUILT-STRACTION is totally a real thing!?!?!? My husband is a connoisseur of this! He has a few situations he brings up regularly. Then I wonder, “How did we get here? Why do I feel bad??” THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I need to learn those disarming tactics.
Drugs suck. Ruined my whole family. Mom and 3 brothers got addicted to drugs after my dad died 11 years ago. I watched them slowly kill themselves over a period of 11 years. my mom died one brother in jail. And two other brothers living in the streets. We used to have a perfect family that was big. What I witnessed and felt the last 11 + years has been the most humbling life lesson anyone could learn. it taught me what’s really important in life. It’s hard not to think what different outcome would have happened if my father didn’t die. I have one other brother who has a good head on his shoulders And I have a awesome family I’m very thankful for. Blessings to anyone in the struggle! 🙏
Your message has been a light in a forrest of darkness .for the last 23 years i have watched my wonderfull wife slip down hill because her son has controlled our lives by drinking to excess and using the mental health card.every time he gats drunk his mother and father make all the excuses and pick up the peices until next time.he always manages to pull up though.they cant see it.when sober he is charming and its making me look like the bad guy.after 23 years i have had enough and cant understand why i am leaving.cant wait!!!!!
I understand I have a son who is driving me insane . He says he doesn’t need rehab. His girlfriend doesn’t need rehab . All the while there destroying there lives . Now on the streets, I m broke from giving them money. Praying all the time . The lord is my salvation. Your story caught my eye , and Godbless you and your brother.
This info is helpful after a recent breakup with someone who abuses and is addicted to alcohol. What a rollercoaster. And if we’re not careful, we become patient #2 for various reasons ❤️
"Guilt-straction" is almost part of my daily life... My husband absolutely REFUSES to acknowledge whatever it is he's being confronted with. We call it deflecting. I'll even tell him "stop deflecting" and he'll say "oh you learned a new word." Or I told him "stop that, you're talking like a narcissist" and he'll say "oh, so I have a label now, good, thanks." I'm struggling so bad. I've been struggling off and on for years.... It hurts so dang bad... What's harder is our 10yr old son also refuses to take responsibility, even when caught red handed. He'll say "you guys always blame me, you never believe me!" Plus! He loves his dad so much. Try and think of leaving when it might destroy your little boy... I'm so tired. 😓
What's essential for building bonds in relationships is trusting that others will respect your vulnerabilities. With addicts, you cant expose your vulnerabilities too often (if at all), because they will use them to hurt you (especially if they're nowhere near the recovery process) I learned this through going on a tangent on ATTACHMENT THEORY, thanks to one of your videos. Stay awesome Amber!
You're so adorable! Like me, you use a lot of facial expressions. I enjoy listening and grabbing those nuggets of information that is truly empowering me. I'm out the door with my alcoholic husband divorce is done. I feel the freedom and I'm happier and joy is back in my life.
My brother is an addict and master manipulator. He knows exactly what to say to trigger my anger and guilt. Yesterday he said very hurtful things and I fell for it once again! Even though I have distanced myself, moved on with my life, and excluded him, the heartache never goes away.
Your mentioning a distinction between holding a limit with a personal boundary and trying to control somebody else to meet a personal need or want is just what I needed to hear. Thank you for putting out this encouraging material. It seems like every time I hear another way of putting something into words, it helps strengthen my sense of what a boundary is. Learning to identify needs and wants and to make requests being open to yes or no responses is a big deal when manipulation or do without are the only tools in the box. Thanks for the help to develop a healthier understanding of behavioral health.
My ex husband is an addict and he gas lighted me so badly for so many years I really believed I was going crazy. Now my 20yr old daughter is an addict and she gas lights me also. It's so hard when it's your child who is the addict cause you feel trapped and don't want to kick them out but if they won't help themselves in any way you don't have a choice.
You are SPOT ON!!!! I actually though i was crazy. This person is doing all this constantly. I’m moving out though in two weeks. At the distraction and giult part really hit home! Also gasslighting.
You are amazing. I love the examples. When you help with the actual words to say. Boundaries are such a life skill. Boundaries with an addict is like taking a masterclass in boundaries. Keep posting!
God bless you Amber for using your gift and wisdom to share this valuable information to all of us who are experiencing these behaviors and trying to work through it all. ❤
So glad that I found this site. I am new and engaged to an alcoholic. I didn't know about his issues, we've been living together or over a year and he goes back and forth, telling me to go away, he doesn't want to marry me, I'm too good for him, he doesnt deserve me, tells me I deserve someone better. I am deeply in love with him, but the drama has eroded my feelings for him. He used to tear my heart out, but now I'm becoming numb
Thank you! I'm a strong & educated woman who's been in a 10 yr relationship with a gaslighter who has zero ability to communicate about anything at all. Ive been stonewalled the majority of the 10 yrs & am just a shell of who I once was. In response to the stonewall, I go ape 💩 & now it's worse than ever. I don't even know who I am anymore but am completely broken. I'm afraid I don't have the strength to get myself well again. Your videos have taught me so much & I appreciate your dedication to providing this information. I have to keep going because I have kids who need me but I'm so tired. There has to be others out there who feel the same way. Why have I been so committed to this mess?
Hi Teresa, there are hundereds of thousands out there who feel the same way. That's right, you are a strong educated woman and from now on, you're going to be 5 Steps Ahead of addiction! There are hundreds of thousands of people out there who feel exactly like you.
hey there, if you are still reading I hope you got out! I was in the same place as you, I got out and recovered and am now happy!!! I wish you the same! 🌸
My ex pulled out number five when our child overdosed. She overdosed during covid after three years of sobriety. At the time, I was watching every video you put out. During her treatment you literally helped me every step of the way. We were really healing. I wanted to thank you for that.I was lucky my daughter did have three years sobriety that included 28 months of treatment. Unfortunately, we did lose her. Her father refused to attend the funeral because the seating was limited and he didn't want to see my youngest child. It was only because of previous videos that I recognized his manipulation. I called it out. He didn't come. I wasn't surprised
I call it the blame game when someone tries to control the conversation using the tactic of distracting you with bringing up something you, or someone else did as a way to justify their bad behavior and choices (deflection for the win). That's when I tell them that everything is a choice and we all make good and bad choices. Owning those choices instead of blaming someone else for them is important and a sign of emotional maturity. I also point out that no one should have the power to control them like that. I am essentially giving them no excuse to justify their bad choices and making them own their choices, along with the consequences of those choices. I usually do not get any push back when I go over all of that with them. At the same time, I need to make sure I practice what I preach. LOL We all have to keep ourselves in check, there are so many pitfalls we can find ourselves in!! When someone tries to play the blame game with me, it drives me nuts. My ex husband used that when he was abusing prescription drugs, my middle child does that when I catch him not doing his chores. Both of my boys do it when they are trying to defend their choice for continuing a needless argument. My addict sister does that trying to make me out to be the bad guy in our family so she can keep controlling my family members (so difficult to watch, BTW). I find that boundaries are so important and they help a lot! My problem is, more often than not, my boundaries will be what I call 'turtling' - hiding underneath my protective shell. I will completely withdraw from these people who I find I am too vulnerable towards (and frankly, do not deserve that vulnerability) and I want nothing to do with them. I don't think this is really a healthy way of dealing with these people (because they are family or an ex husband who I will have to deal with, regardless). I am curious what you have to say about that, Amber. How far should I take the boundaries when it is just not realistic?
Hi Bethany, I can see that you've given this issue a lot of thought and that you try to see all sides. In generally, I'm okay with distancing yourself from toxic relationships (even if they are family) when needed. However, I without knowing all the background, I can't give you a for sure answer.
@@PutTheShovelDown Thank you for your response and for doing what you do to try and help others! I really appreciate all that I have learned from your videos. I will try to accept that there are some situations that call for distancing myself, regardless of how painful it is to do.
I recently discovered and subscribed to your channel. I love listening to your videos. I grew up in an addictive family. I still struggle will addictive personality traits and have made many, many mistakes over the years. My ex step-brother had been gaslighting me after my mother passed away a few years ago. I slowly pulled away from being under his 'control' as he had himself named as the primary trustee and was determined to keep as ;much of my family's inheritance as he could. By the Grace of God, my daughter and I were able to move away and cut all ties with him and his family. He refuses to close my mother's Trust, but I see that as him having some very deep-seated issues within himself. I've been a single mom for many years and love being independent. I've made the deluded mistakes that you speak of and can look back and see how many times I would convince myself that it was all okay at the time. Thank yiou for sharing your knowledge with us!!
Addiction can only live in the darkness. Call out what's happening w/out emotion: "I feel like you're emotionally blackmailing me, 1. Display of inadequacy 2. Gaslighting 3. Guilt-straction - curveball topic to avoid discussion/responsibility 4. Pestering - wear you down until you're exhausted 5. Threatening - if you don't do this, this bad thing will happen. Take the person's worse fear as leverage to get the other person to do what the addict wants. Addiction can only live in the darkness. Call out what's happening w/out emotion: "I feel like you're emotionally blackmailing me." "If you're trying to pester me, that' not gonna work." Instead of arguing about the trash, talk about the process: "why do we always get into an argument about the trash?"
You have no idea how your videos help. Addictions are devastating and crippling to many.* I’ve never heard anyone explain things in ways you do. Down to earth. Young lady, you are* very instrumental in saving lives. Thank you
One tactic I didn't see you mention here is what I call -- the Stone Wall. It is when the person just stands there without showing any kind of emotion and doesn't speak at all when you are trying to avoid something or get your way. My daughter was a "master" at this when she was younger until I figured out how to counter it (which took years!). Example: "Can you clean your room honey before coming down for dinner?" --- stone wall. "Did you hear me? Can you clean your room?" -- stone wall. "Hello? Is there anyone there?!" -- stone wall. It will drive you absolutely crazy! I actually took her to the Dr. multiple times to have her hearing checked because I thought she might be deaf or have a mental problem. Whenever there was something she didn't want to do, she would use that tactic and it had me questioning my sanity. There was no way you could feel good about your parenting because you had no idea what was going on in her head....was she scared, angry, didn't hear you, avoiding, ?????? You have nothing to argue, talk, or act upon because there was no response and it had me questioning everything I did. Was I being to hard on her or not hard enough? Did she have some medical condition or was she fine and just trying to get her own way? For those dealing with 'pestering' behavior, this is a great tactic....just stand there and say and do nothing while looking right at them.....eventually they will fade off and go away because they aren't getting a reaction and they have nothing to do except listen to themselves rant.
I'm at the point in my marriage to an alcoholic that I want to leave . I've been going to alanon for 3 plus years I just can't live with this anymore. 😭thank you for sharing all your wisdom!!
My son is 20 he does almost all the tactics you are talking about! I never know how to get it stop! It makes life so hard! Every time he can wear me down! Thank you for all your helpful words!
"Guiltstraction" Perfect! Thank you for expanding our language resources. Also, "the worst thing you can do is let it work." And "call it out" in a calm matter of fact kind of way. Good stuff. The light you're shining on behaviors and accountability is helping a lot to see the "communication housekeeping" I need to be doing. I really appreciate your distinguishing the content and the process. Exhausting work. Encouraging to have help identifying the manipulative behavior. Wow. Puffer Fish. Thank you for your work.
You're so helpful, I am learning lots. The gaslighting messes up my head so much I freeze. Pestering, my child was gifted here. I have done the if you won't pay attention to me, someone will. That's an ugly place to be. To say that and to feel that neglected bad place to be.
thank you again. Having been the addict and now the family member watching a child struggle is well overwhelming at times. In the videos of yours that I've seen so far, you seem to speak Truth. Like many who suffer from addition, we have done or experienced all this, not just this one topic. So far, I beleive you know of what you speak and seem Earnest. Thank you. I plan on devouring more and more or your content. My next will be about denial and blame cause that's where our family is it it seems. So sad. But we have faith. Shalom!
You have described just about my entire relationship in just 5 steps! I will definitely try the disarming method! He always throws me the curve ball. And the topic he moves onto isn’t even “important” it’s just to sidetrack! And the blackmail manipulation is real! We share 2 children! I’ve been a stay at home mom for 6 years and just went to work part time! And that’s all I have to say!
I am so grateful that I found your page. My significant other is currently in rehab and my mental state was in a whirlwind. You have helped me understand
You really describe the manipulations commonly used by addicted persons very well ! Thank you for these insightful strategies to help deal with addicted persons
Thank you so much ❤️ I was feeling like the bad guy... my heart still aches... but I know I’m doing the right thing, as difficult as it is for me to do.
drug/alcohol, recently admitted 30yr old son. I've done everything wrong!!!!! You have made this easier to understand but harder to navigate. I thought i could hold the line and let this be all his. Run and hide. But it's more like duck n weave? No easy way out of it. No quick fix. Thanks for the wisdom! Pray for us.
in my idiction i did it my self to my own poore granmother cause she loves me so much she will most of the time give me what i wanted cause i will tell her i was gonna go do something crazy to get it if if she didint.I WAS SO FUCKED UP FOR DOING THAT AND MORE....I NEVER GRT TIRER OF BRINGIN IT UP TO HER ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS OVER AND OVER AND SHE OF COURSE WILL TELL ME HOW SHE ALREADY FORGAVE ME LONG AGO.SHES A AMAZING WOMAN,SHE RAISE ME,SHE WAS MY GRANMOTHER/MOTHER CAUSE MY MOM WASENT AROUND AS MUCH AS HER.IM VERY GREATFUL FOR HER FORGIVENESS AND WILL NEVER DO IT AGAING.IM AN ADDIC AND I BEEN LERNING SO MUC FRO YOUR VIDEOS,IM VERY THANKFULL FOR YOU TAKING THE TIME TO MAKE THEM.TODAY IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I DISCOVER UR VIDEOS AND I HAD LURN SO MUSH IN LIL BIT OF TIME OF WATCHING THEM!!! THERE AMAZING,NO,YOU AMAZING!!!GOD BLESS YOU WITH MUCH MORE KNOLEDGE AND WISDON WOW THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!
You are a gosh darn psychic. I recognized most all of these in myself as the codependent loved one of an addict...and I realized I don’t manipulate anyone else this way and would dream of doing that. Only the addict in my life...it’s like it’s gotten to a point where the rules are that we treat each other so badly that anything is fair game.
Wow about the best video I’ve watched of yours yet. So amazing your information and style! Thanks for your contribution to people needing to learn and be acknowledged
Thanks you Amber Hollingsworth for guiding me through this 1st time experience...was feeling lost and unsure yet resisting resentment and bitterness. Your voice and natural speech pattern is melodic and soothing. Bless you abundantly always!
My daughter use #5 often with me but now I am going to work how to deal with the situation. Thank you , I need to watch more of your videos 🕊. When I try to confront her ,almost immediately she will ask me to live .
Thank you! I think we all have a degree of God given ability to recognize bad behaviors, but perhaps are too busy living complicated lives to slow down enough to analyze.
Playlist on Manipulation: th-cam.com/play/PLaaJWwIpP_zZduHyvDBhsWlsrbm07HssA.html Download my FREE QUICK-Guide for DEALING WITH MANIPULATION:bit.ly/manipulationguide
Great video, I love your accent 😍 my husband is a master and guiltstraction, thanks so much for putting a name on it! I haven't told him I know he's addicted. I need to get me and my kids to safety first. But I thought once I was gone I would tell him "it's either you quit or you won't see us again" but I've realised that thats emotional blackmail. It's not that I don't want to see him again, or want him to see his kids. I just want him to be motivated to stop. He was the best husband, and he didn't use these manipulation tactics before he started drugs. It's heartbreaking
@@PutTheShovelDown thanks so much, I've been watching through your playlists. I still haven't confronted him about it, and I'm trying to educate myself on the best way to approach the matter before I do that. I'm also trying to leave the country im in, I'm trying to get back home and even get him back too, he's agreed but it's a process and I won't open the topic with him until I know me and the kids are safe. Id really love to be able to talk to you more, or if u have any specific videos that talk about actually breaking the news to them you know. Theres only so far I'm willing to go because i feel like the last five years me and my kids have been unknowing victims to his addictions. I spent years trying to work out what was going on with him because he changed so drastically. And now I'm just tired and want to go home and give my kids a life. At the same time I love my husband dearly and it hurts me so much that such a wonderful man has deteriorated so badly. 😔 Once I'm out of the country, which I'm hoping to leave before him and he follow me later, I will open the topic with him. In the meantime I'm trying to give him advice without telling him I know.
Just starting to build boundaries for myself, an learning to stop being manipulated that you for helping me find hope , in this relationship with someone I've been in love with for 4 year's for an addict , I almost lost myself completely thanks again
I had a “friend” who did this. Starting to watch the video and the first and third point resonated *reaaaallly* close to home. Thank you for this, it really validated what I was feeling at the time.
Im new to your channel. I wish i never had to join. But thank you so much, i felt crazy for a long time....but with your videos i see more clear now.THANK YOU ! MERCI (in my language ;) )
I have went through all of this and more too many time. Brave me speaking out as you joked; I learned and did it some myself. Sadly. I am so happy to have come across your video and I hope you have more. Going to check out your page. Much love 💗
My AS has always worn me down, even as a child. He was and is relentless. I have given in to just about every demand he's ever had. When my husband, his father died when he was 10, I then compensated for that which is why I feel just terrible, guilty, and very responsible for his addictions and the problems it has caused. He us 24 now, he continues to manipulate and with each unpleasant situation, I can see that no matter how I try to help him, nothing I do works. I have to pull away at this point.
Im new here. Didn't drop in for addiction but you hit the nail dead on about this with recovering from narc abuse. Difficult setting boundaries and confrontation.
I'm not sure my comment has much to do with this video, but I've just found your channel and I'm so relieved to find a community of people who are also struggling. I just needed a place to voice how I am coping with everything, especially during COVID. I'm struggling with how to interact with my boyfriend who is currently struggling with a drug addiction for about 5/6 years now - he is in denial. I feel worried about seeming controlling to him when i beg him to stop and say I'm going to leave, I feel like it turns me into a horrible person as I just get so angry, telling him to stop and its his choice, I can feel myself being horrible to make him feel bad and its toxic. I can see myself wanting to make him feel as bad as I do even though I know he's ashamed already. I know its the wrong way to behave but its so hard, I feel I have to take myself out of the situation now, we have to live separately as I can't deal with it anymore and he will not accept help. But I get overtaken with the guilt of leaving him to look after himself, but as much as I want to support and him, I am destroying myself at the same time. everything is going in circles and I don't know what the right step is.
You made the right choice. I think taking a step back will be very helpful for you. It's so hard to remain calm when you have a front row seat to a disaster. Getting a little distance will help you get out of panic mode and make strategic decisions on how to respond.
I feel the same exact way… I’ve been going thru the same situation for 9 years. It has drained me physically, emotionally and mentally. Everything he does is my fault and I get blamed for his relapse. I speak calmly to him and he still thinks I’m attacking him or trying to start an argument when I speak the truth. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m Broken and confused on what to do… I’ve been nothing but patient, supportive and understanding all this time. I’m exhausted and it’s making me really sick. Causing my health to deteriorate :( watching these videos help me and reading everyone comments with similar situations are helping me to remain strong.
Hi Amber. I've watched this before and I'm watching it again because it's so helpful to me. Thank you. I appreciate you. I'm going through a very difficult time with my 34 year old addictive son. Taking one day at a time. Be blessed. 🌹🙏💗
I absolutely do the pestering, because it drives me nuts to leave conversations just tense and unresolved. I would rather get the truth out and know where he stands, even if its going to be an angry conversation.
Hi Jenna. I appreciate your honesty and insight. It's refreshing. It's typically that one person in a relationship may have the need to get it all out, while the other tends to avoid. I think a compromise is best. Like agreeing to have the conversation at a later (set date/time) once both people have time to collect their thoughts. Forcing conversations only leads to both sides saying hurtful things.
Put The Shovel Down You are correct! It sure did last night. He pulled the guilt/distract method, I pulled the pester and just force the convo method, it was entirely unproductive. Thank you so much for the videos- I just learned today that the lives are Thurs at my lunch hour- will join you next week!
Keep doing what you do! Your informative and interesting videos helped me and I'm sure a ton of others a lot in life. So thank thank you, genuinely from the bottom of my heart :')
You are helping me through the hardest time in my life.
It's an honor to be a little part of your journey!
you all probably dont give a shit but does someone know a way to log back into an instagram account??
I stupidly lost the password. I would love any assistance you can offer me
I agree - this has been some of the best information I’ve gotten from anywhere!! Thank you.
She's awesome!
Stay strong! Learn, heal. Things get better.
Oh my goodness!!! GUILT-STRACTION is totally a real thing!?!?!? My husband is a connoisseur of this! He has a few situations he brings up regularly. Then I wonder, “How did we get here? Why do I feel bad??” THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I need to learn those disarming tactics.
Guild-straction is definitely a real things! hahaha😂
Omg. Guiltstraction is a part of my everyday life. So glad I found you girl.
I know this video is from 2 years ago but I just found it and guiltstraction has been my wife's go-to for 20 years.
Thank you so much. You are shedding a lot of light into our darkness
my pleasure, Rose!
Yes
So true
Yess!🙌🏼🙏🏼
Drugs suck. Ruined my whole family. Mom and 3 brothers got addicted to drugs after my dad died 11 years ago. I watched them slowly kill themselves over a period of 11 years. my mom died one brother in jail. And two other brothers living in the streets. We used to have a perfect family that was big. What I witnessed and felt the last 11 + years has been the most humbling life lesson anyone could learn. it taught me what’s really important in life. It’s hard not to think what different outcome would have happened if my father didn’t die. I have one other brother who has a good head on his shoulders And I have a awesome family I’m very thankful for. Blessings to anyone in the struggle! 🙏
Your message has been a light in a forrest of darkness .for the last 23 years i have watched my wonderfull wife slip down hill because her son has controlled our lives by drinking to excess and using the mental health card.every time he gats drunk his mother and father make all the excuses and pick up the peices until next time.he always manages to pull up though.they cant see it.when sober he is charming and its making me look like the bad guy.after 23 years i have had enough and cant understand why i am leaving.cant wait!!!!!
I understand I have a son who is driving me insane . He says he doesn’t need rehab. His girlfriend doesn’t need rehab . All the while there destroying there lives . Now on the streets, I m broke from giving them money. Praying all the time . The lord is my salvation. Your story caught my eye , and Godbless you and your brother.
Very odd
Thank you ❤❤❤
This info is helpful after a recent breakup with someone who abuses and is addicted to alcohol. What a rollercoaster. And if we’re not careful, we become patient #2 for various reasons ❤️
So glad it was helpful. You’re totally right about becoming patient #2!
Stay strong hun. 💜
"Guilt-straction" is almost part of my daily life... My husband absolutely REFUSES to acknowledge whatever it is he's being confronted with. We call it deflecting. I'll even tell him "stop deflecting" and he'll say "oh you learned a new word." Or I told him "stop that, you're talking like a narcissist" and he'll say "oh, so I have a label now, good, thanks."
I'm struggling so bad. I've been struggling off and on for years.... It hurts so dang bad...
What's harder is our 10yr old son also refuses to take responsibility, even when caught red handed. He'll say "you guys always blame me, you never believe me!" Plus! He loves his dad so much.
Try and think of leaving when it might destroy your little boy... I'm so tired. 😓
Girl!!! I can not you enough for all these videos! You are the light in the darkness for me right now! Keep up all the hard work!
Thank you so much!!😁💝
What's essential for building bonds in relationships is trusting that others will respect your vulnerabilities. With addicts, you cant expose your vulnerabilities too often (if at all), because they will use them to hurt you (especially if they're nowhere near the recovery process)
I learned this through going on a tangent on ATTACHMENT THEORY, thanks to one of your videos. Stay awesome Amber!
Well said, Mohamed!
You're so adorable! Like me, you use a lot of facial expressions. I enjoy listening and grabbing those nuggets of information that is truly empowering me. I'm out the door with my alcoholic husband divorce is done. I feel the freedom and I'm happier and joy is back in my life.
Awwwww thanks Michelle!
Amen to that!
My brother is an addict and master manipulator. He knows exactly what to say to trigger my anger and guilt. Yesterday he said very hurtful things and I fell for it once again! Even though I have distanced myself, moved on with my life, and excluded him, the heartache never goes away.
Absolutely I am totally drained!
This channel is saving my life bc sometimes I get so angry dealing with the particular family member I don’t know what tf to do
I'm so glad these videos have been a little ray of hope in an otherwise dark situation.
This has helped me so much I don’t even have words...
I'm so glad, April!
Your clients are really lucky to have you! And I am really lucky to have found your channel!
Thank you so much!
Your mentioning a distinction between holding a limit with a personal boundary and trying to control somebody else to meet a personal need or want is just what I needed to hear. Thank you for putting out this encouraging material. It seems like every time I hear another way of putting something into words, it helps strengthen my sense of what a boundary is. Learning to identify needs and wants and to make requests being open to yes or no responses is a big deal when manipulation or do without are the only tools in the box. Thanks for the help to develop a healthier understanding of behavioral health.
You're getting an A+! I can tell you're really getting it 💯
@@PutTheShovelDown thank you! The struggle is real!
So glad I found this channel. We are on our knees with our sons drink and drug addiction. 😪
Hi Donna, We're so glad to have you in our little community!
As s former addict, he has to want to quit. Dont enable him, that could make it worse. Good luck.
Its my husband for me. I cant even imagine watching my child go thru it. Stay strong, Mama!
🙏🙏🙏
My ex husband is an addict and he gas lighted me so badly for so many years I really believed I was going crazy. Now my 20yr old daughter is an addict and she gas lights me also. It's so hard when it's your child who is the addict cause you feel trapped and don't want to kick them out but if they won't help themselves in any way you don't have a choice.
It really is so hard when it’s your child.
You are SPOT ON!!!! I actually though i was crazy. This person is doing all this constantly. I’m moving out though in two weeks.
At the distraction and giult part really hit home!
Also gasslighting.
Hi Robert. I'm really glad to hear this video was helpful to you, but sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough situation 😥
You are amazing. I love the examples. When you help with the actual words to say. Boundaries are such a life skill. Boundaries with an addict is like taking a masterclass in boundaries. Keep posting!
God bless you Amber for using your gift and wisdom to share this valuable information to all of us who are experiencing these behaviors and trying to work through it all. ❤
You're so very welcome!
So glad that I found this site. I am new and engaged to an alcoholic. I didn't know about his issues, we've been living together or over a year and he goes back and forth, telling me to go away, he doesn't want to marry me, I'm too good for him, he doesnt deserve me, tells me I deserve someone better. I am deeply in love with him, but the drama has eroded my feelings for him. He used to tear my heart out, but now I'm becoming numb
Hi Marilyn 👋🏻 Welcome to our little community. I think you'll find lots of good resources here!
Thank you! I'm a strong & educated woman who's been in a 10 yr relationship with a gaslighter who has zero ability to communicate about anything at all. Ive been stonewalled the majority of the 10 yrs & am just a shell of who I once was. In response to the stonewall, I go ape 💩 & now it's worse than ever. I don't even know who I am anymore but am completely broken. I'm afraid I don't have the strength to get myself well again. Your videos have taught me so much & I appreciate your dedication to providing this information. I have to keep going because I have kids who need me but I'm so tired. There has to be others out there who feel the same way. Why have I been so committed to this mess?
Hi Teresa, there are hundereds of thousands out there who feel the same way. That's right, you are a strong educated woman and from now on, you're going to be 5 Steps Ahead of addiction! There are hundreds of thousands of people out there who feel exactly like you.
hey there, if you are still reading I hope you got out! I was in the same place as you, I got out and recovered and am now happy!!! I wish you the same! 🌸
My ex pulled out number five when our child overdosed. She overdosed during covid after three years of sobriety. At the time, I was watching every video you put out. During her treatment you literally helped me every step of the way. We were really healing. I wanted to thank you for that.I was lucky my daughter did have three years sobriety that included 28 months of treatment. Unfortunately, we did lose her. Her father refused to attend the funeral because the seating was limited and he didn't want to see my youngest child. It was only because of previous videos that I recognized his manipulation. I called it out. He didn't come. I wasn't surprised
That must have been so so hard for you. Praying for your healing. 🙏🏻
I’ve experienced them all and I’m ashamed to say that I’ve been guilty of most! I’m a work in progress!
It takes a lot of humility to admit that, and because you have that insight, you'll be much less likely to keep doing those thing!
He always stays calm and I lose the head and then I am the bad guy.
Sounds like he was an expert at getting you to play the bad guy role!
I call it the blame game when someone tries to control the conversation using the tactic of distracting you with bringing up something you, or someone else did as a way to justify their bad behavior and choices (deflection for the win). That's when I tell them that everything is a choice and we all make good and bad choices. Owning those choices instead of blaming someone else for them is important and a sign of emotional maturity. I also point out that no one should have the power to control them like that. I am essentially giving them no excuse to justify their bad choices and making them own their choices, along with the consequences of those choices. I usually do not get any push back when I go over all of that with them. At the same time, I need to make sure I practice what I preach. LOL We all have to keep ourselves in check, there are so many pitfalls we can find ourselves in!!
When someone tries to play the blame game with me, it drives me nuts. My ex husband used that when he was abusing prescription drugs, my middle child does that when I catch him not doing his chores. Both of my boys do it when they are trying to defend their choice for continuing a needless argument. My addict sister does that trying to make me out to be the bad guy in our family so she can keep controlling my family members (so difficult to watch, BTW).
I find that boundaries are so important and they help a lot! My problem is, more often than not, my boundaries will be what I call 'turtling' - hiding underneath my protective shell. I will completely withdraw from these people who I find I am too vulnerable towards (and frankly, do not deserve that vulnerability) and I want nothing to do with them. I don't think this is really a healthy way of dealing with these people (because they are family or an ex husband who I will have to deal with, regardless). I am curious what you have to say about that, Amber. How far should I take the boundaries when it is just not realistic?
Hi Bethany, I can see that you've given this issue a lot of thought and that you try to see all sides. In generally, I'm okay with distancing yourself from toxic relationships (even if they are family) when needed. However, I without knowing all the background, I can't give you a for sure answer.
@@PutTheShovelDown Thank you for your response and for doing what you do to try and help others! I really appreciate all that I have learned from your videos.
I will try to accept that there are some situations that call for distancing myself, regardless of how painful it is to do.
in it deep now. Thankyou I am so angry and sad. A huge loss but you are helping. 🙏💗
I recently discovered and subscribed to your channel. I love listening to your videos. I grew up in an addictive family. I still struggle will addictive personality traits and have made many, many mistakes over the years. My ex step-brother had been gaslighting me after my mother passed away a few years ago. I slowly pulled away from being under his 'control' as he had himself named as the primary trustee and was determined to keep as ;much of my family's inheritance as he could. By the Grace of God, my daughter and I were able to move away and cut all ties with him and his family. He refuses to close my mother's Trust, but I see that as him having some very deep-seated issues within himself. I've been a single mom for many years and love being independent. I've made the deluded mistakes that you speak of and can look back and see how many times I would convince myself that it was all okay at the time. Thank yiou for sharing your knowledge with us!!
Addiction can only live in the darkness. Call out what's happening w/out emotion: "I feel like you're emotionally blackmailing me,
1. Display of inadequacy
2. Gaslighting
3. Guilt-straction - curveball topic to avoid discussion/responsibility
4. Pestering - wear you down until you're exhausted
5. Threatening - if you don't do this, this bad thing will happen. Take the person's worse fear as leverage to get the other person to do what the addict wants. Addiction can only live in the darkness. Call out what's happening w/out emotion: "I feel like you're emotionally blackmailing me." "If you're trying to pester me, that' not gonna work." Instead of arguing about the trash, talk about the process: "why do we always get into an argument about the trash?"
I"m giving you an A++++!
Hi Sweetie Yhank for everything God sent I’m a new view Er ….Blessings!
Thank you, Amber. I have dealt with all these things with my addicted son. I need a break. Your channel has been very helpful.
You have no idea how your videos help. Addictions are devastating and crippling to many.* I’ve never heard anyone explain things in ways you do. Down to earth. Young lady, you are* very instrumental in saving lives. Thank you
Awwww, thank you so much Dlynn! I'm so glad the videos are helpful for you 😁😁😁
One tactic I didn't see you mention here is what I call -- the Stone Wall. It is when the person just stands there without showing any kind of emotion and doesn't speak at all when you are trying to avoid something or get your way. My daughter was a "master" at this when she was younger until I figured out how to counter it (which took years!). Example: "Can you clean your room honey before coming down for dinner?" --- stone wall. "Did you hear me? Can you clean your room?" -- stone wall. "Hello? Is there anyone there?!" -- stone wall.
It will drive you absolutely crazy! I actually took her to the Dr. multiple times to have her hearing checked because I thought she might be deaf or have a mental problem. Whenever there was something she didn't want to do, she would use that tactic and it had me questioning my sanity. There was no way you could feel good about your parenting because you had no idea what was going on in her head....was she scared, angry, didn't hear you, avoiding, ?????? You have nothing to argue, talk, or act upon because there was no response and it had me questioning everything I did. Was I being to hard on her or not hard enough? Did she have some medical condition or was she fine and just trying to get her own way? For those dealing with 'pestering' behavior, this is a great tactic....just stand there and say and do nothing while looking right at them.....eventually they will fade off and go away because they aren't getting a reaction and they have nothing to do except listen to themselves rant.
That’s a good one! I didn’t even think of it. How did you eventually figure out how to get around it?
@@PutTheShovelDown she stonewalled her back lol
This is what my spouse does. I can’t communicate with him at all. It’s horrible.
I love your channel, you are knowledgeable about the human psyche and your videos are so helpful.
Thank you so much, Zinnia!
Family member is in crisis now, and I am so thankful I have you to learn from and guide me 😊
I'm at the point in my marriage to an alcoholic that I want to leave . I've been going to alanon for 3 plus years I just can't live with this anymore. 😭thank you for sharing all your wisdom!!
My son is 20 he does almost all the tactics you are talking about! I never know how to get it stop! It makes life so hard! Every time he can wear me down! Thank you for all your helpful words!
Hi Coxwell! I'm glad this video was helpful for you.
Expose him to what he's doing...let him know you know 😉
One of your best live views! True reality on these tactics ... thank you for all your help 🙏
"Guiltstraction" Perfect! Thank you for expanding our language resources. Also, "the worst thing you can do is let it work." And "call it out" in a calm matter of fact kind of way. Good stuff. The light you're shining on behaviors and accountability is helping a lot to see the "communication housekeeping" I need to be doing. I really appreciate your distinguishing the content and the process. Exhausting work. Encouraging to have help identifying the manipulative behavior. Wow. Puffer Fish. Thank you for your work.
I can tell you are really understanding this material!
Communication housework. Love it!
I feel you are pointing out everything my son does. I have 2 adult addict sons and I have experienced all of these. 😢
You're so helpful, I am learning lots. The gaslighting messes up my head so much I freeze. Pestering, my child was gifted here. I have done the if you won't pay attention to me, someone will. That's an ugly place to be. To say that and to feel that neglected bad place to be.
I have to say thank you!!! You have been helping me in this horrible time in my family lives..
You are so welcome
thank you again. Having been the addict and now the family member watching a child struggle is well overwhelming at times. In the videos of yours that I've seen so far, you seem to speak Truth. Like many who suffer from addition, we have done or experienced all this, not just this one topic. So far, I beleive you know of what you speak and seem Earnest. Thank you. I plan on devouring more and more or your content. My next will be about denial and blame cause that's where our family is it it seems. So sad. But we have faith. Shalom!
Thank you for all your videos. I have not been able to help my addicted love one, but I was able to save myself.
I’m new and love your videos. I can’t find an Alanon group close to me so watching these helps me through my day. Thank you!
Welcome to our little community. So glad you're here! 💖
You are amazingly insightful.
This is so important. Thank you for empowering people❤️
You are so welcome, Kristina! 😁
You have described just about my entire relationship in just 5 steps! I will definitely try the disarming method! He always throws me the curve ball. And the topic he moves onto isn’t even “important” it’s just to sidetrack! And the blackmail manipulation is real! We share 2 children! I’ve been a stay at home mom for 6 years and just went to work part time! And that’s all I have to say!
I think going to work, is going to help you feel more independent and less reliant.
I am so delighted I found you. You are excellent at explaining things without black and white thinking. Thank you
Hi Helen, Welcome to our little community. I'm happy you found us as well. Hope to hear more from you in the future!
Such a great video. So helpful.
Glad it was helpful, cindy!
I am so grateful that I found your page. My significant other is currently in rehab and my mental state was in a whirlwind. You have helped me understand
So glad you're here!
They also try to change the subject when you bring up something they dont want to talk about.
They sure do!
You really describe the manipulations commonly used by addicted persons very well ! Thank you for these insightful strategies to help deal with addicted persons
Thanks Mike! I'm so glad you found this helpful 😀
Thank you so much ❤️ I was feeling like the bad guy... my heart still aches... but I know I’m doing the right thing, as difficult as it is for me to do.
drug/alcohol, recently admitted 30yr old son.
I've done everything wrong!!!!!
You have made this easier to understand but harder to navigate.
I thought i could hold the line and let this be all his. Run and hide. But it's more like duck n weave?
No easy way out of it. No quick fix. Thanks for the wisdom!
Pray for us.
Duck and weave is right on target! 🤩
in my idiction i did it my self to my own poore granmother cause she loves me so much she will most of the time give me what i wanted cause i will tell her i was gonna go do something crazy to get it if if she didint.I WAS SO FUCKED UP FOR DOING THAT AND MORE....I NEVER GRT TIRER OF BRINGIN IT UP TO HER ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS OVER AND OVER AND SHE OF COURSE WILL TELL ME HOW SHE ALREADY FORGAVE ME LONG AGO.SHES A AMAZING WOMAN,SHE RAISE ME,SHE WAS MY GRANMOTHER/MOTHER CAUSE MY MOM WASENT AROUND AS MUCH AS HER.IM VERY GREATFUL FOR HER FORGIVENESS AND WILL NEVER DO IT AGAING.IM AN ADDIC AND I BEEN LERNING SO MUC FRO YOUR VIDEOS,IM VERY THANKFULL FOR YOU TAKING THE TIME TO MAKE THEM.TODAY IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I DISCOVER UR VIDEOS AND I HAD LURN SO MUSH IN LIL BIT OF TIME OF WATCHING THEM!!! THERE AMAZING,NO,YOU AMAZING!!!GOD BLESS YOU WITH MUCH MORE KNOLEDGE AND WISDON WOW THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!
Hi Cookie, Welcome to our little community. You've got great insight and humility. I can see just how much you've turned your life around!
You are a blessing, thank you for speaking frankly!👏🏻👏🏻
Thanks for listening
You are a gosh darn psychic. I recognized most all of these in myself as the codependent loved one of an addict...and I realized I don’t manipulate anyone else this way and would dream of doing that. Only the addict in my life...it’s like it’s gotten to a point where the rules are that we treat each other so badly that anything is fair game.
Sometimes things can get toxic. We get desperate and start doing things we wouldn't normally do. I'm impressed with your insight.
Wow about the best video I’ve watched of yours yet. So amazing your information and style! Thanks for your contribution to people needing to learn and be acknowledged
Wow, thank you!
Hi I am new here your videos are great! And just the couple videos I’ve watched have already so helpful
Hi Jean. Welcome to our little community. So glad you're here 😀
Thanks you Amber Hollingsworth for guiding me through this 1st time experience...was feeling lost and unsure yet resisting resentment and bitterness. Your voice and natural speech pattern is melodic and soothing. Bless you abundantly always!
You're so very welcome. I'm just happy these videos are helpful😊
My daughter use #5 often with me but now I am going to work how to deal with the situation. Thank you , I need to watch more of your videos 🕊. When I try to confront her ,almost immediately she will ask me to live .
You're videos see really helping with things I wasn't aware of.
😁
Thank you! I think we all have a degree of God given ability to recognize bad behaviors, but perhaps are too busy living complicated lives to slow down enough to analyze.
You're so right, Karen. It's especially hard to see when you're in the middle of the storm!
Playlist on Manipulation: th-cam.com/play/PLaaJWwIpP_zZduHyvDBhsWlsrbm07HssA.html
Download my FREE QUICK-Guide for DEALING WITH MANIPULATION:bit.ly/manipulationguide
Hi I am new and very happy to be here!
I've had all of these done to me. Thank you for giving me practical advice.
You're so welcome!
Thanks for all of your helpful videos. I now know that I am not alone in dealing with my adult addict son. Truly awful days.
Great video, I love your accent 😍 my husband is a master and guiltstraction, thanks so much for putting a name on it!
I haven't told him I know he's addicted. I need to get me and my kids to safety first. But I thought once I was gone I would tell him "it's either you quit or you won't see us again" but I've realised that thats emotional blackmail. It's not that I don't want to see him again, or want him to see his kids. I just want him to be motivated to stop. He was the best husband, and he didn't use these manipulation tactics before he started drugs. It's heartbreaking
Hi Light upon light, Here's my playlist on motivating someone to take steps toward recovery: th-cam.com/video/ED6vqEj6Tv0/w-d-xo.html
@@PutTheShovelDown thanks so much, I've been watching through your playlists. I still haven't confronted him about it, and I'm trying to educate myself on the best way to approach the matter before I do that. I'm also trying to leave the country im in, I'm trying to get back home and even get him back too, he's agreed but it's a process and I won't open the topic with him until I know me and the kids are safe.
Id really love to be able to talk to you more, or if u have any specific videos that talk about actually breaking the news to them you know. Theres only so far I'm willing to go because i feel like the last five years me and my kids have been unknowing victims to his addictions. I spent years trying to work out what was going on with him because he changed so drastically. And now I'm just tired and want to go home and give my kids a life. At the same time I love my husband dearly and it hurts me so much that such a wonderful man has deteriorated so badly. 😔
Once I'm out of the country, which I'm hoping to leave before him and he follow me later, I will open the topic with him. In the meantime I'm trying to give him advice without telling him I know.
Just starting to build boundaries for myself, an learning to stop being manipulated that you for helping me find hope , in this relationship with someone I've been in love with for 4 year's for an addict , I almost lost myself completely thanks again
Thank you for this. I have experienced all of these tactics. It is exhausting
I had a “friend” who did this. Starting to watch the video and the first and third point resonated *reaaaallly* close to home. Thank you for this, it really validated what I was feeling at the time.
Hi Anna, I'm really glad to hear this video was helpful to you!
really enjoy your channel you have some great info
Hi Sober Dogs, I really appreciate that. 😁 P.S. Great channel name!
I’m new! Thank you Amber
Welcome to our little community, Kim! so glad you're here 💖💖💖💖😃😃
Love your channel!! What a relief to hear this stuff!!!
So glad! 😁😁😁
I’ve dealt with every single one. Almost daily. And I’m guilty of number 4 when trying to get the truth. I will not give up. I’m working on it though
Im new to your channel. I wish i never had to join. But thank you so much, i felt crazy for a long time....but with your videos i see more clear now.THANK YOU ! MERCI (in my language ;) )
Welcome to our little community, Maanue!
I have went through all of this and more too many time.
Brave me speaking out as you joked; I learned and did it some myself.
Sadly. I am so happy to have come across your video and I hope you have more. Going to check out your page.
Much love 💗
Hi MizzBecky82, Welcome to our little community. There's tons more videos here like this one!
thanks for this
You bet!
I have gotten a lot from your TH-cam channel thank you so much
My pleasure mazermajestic! 😊
Thank you for this very informative and helpful video Amber.
You are so welcome!
Great video! Thanks! God bless
Thank you! You too!
I have a friend that calls #3, the archeologist. Her husband would constantly "dig" up things from her past during an argument.
I love that! 😁😁😁😁
My AS has always worn me down, even as a child. He was and is relentless. I have given in to just about every demand he's ever had. When my husband, his father died when he was 10, I then compensated for that which is why I feel just terrible, guilty, and very responsible for his addictions and the problems it has caused. He us 24 now, he continues to manipulate and with each unpleasant situation, I can see that no matter how I try to help him, nothing I do works. I have to pull away at this point.
Sounds like it's been going on a long time and it has really worn you down. 😥
thank you Amber
My pleasure Crissie!
Thank u for your advice...it seems the most solid 👌 out of all the research I've done on TH-cam. I am seeking an action plan for a loved one
I Larry! I'm so glad this was helpful!
I’m new here.......hi from Australia!!! My husband is currently in treatment yay nearly 2 weeks now
Hi Michelle from Australia! That's awesome news about your husband. We look forward to hearing more updates .
Amber, You are teaching me so much ch!!
I put up with an alcoholic husband for 35 years. I went through all five. It was my fault he drank for him not having anything.
I am so thankful I found this
Hi Sheri, I'm so glad it was helpful to you!
Hi I so enjoyed you I will keep listening and learning thank you from Texas 💗
Thanks Louise from Texas!
Im new here. Didn't drop in for addiction but you hit the nail dead on about this with recovering from narc abuse. Difficult setting boundaries and confrontation.
Hi Donna, welcome to our little community. We're glad you're here
I love your video’s - so enlightening 💡
Thanks Dohnia! I'm so glad there helpful 😁
I'm not sure my comment has much to do with this video, but I've just found your channel and I'm so relieved to find a community of people who are also struggling. I just needed a place to voice how I am coping with everything, especially during COVID.
I'm struggling with how to interact with my boyfriend who is currently struggling with a drug addiction for about 5/6 years now - he is in denial. I feel worried about seeming controlling to him when i beg him to stop and say I'm going to leave, I feel like it turns me into a horrible person as I just get so angry, telling him to stop and its his choice, I can feel myself being horrible to make him feel bad and its toxic. I can see myself wanting to make him feel as bad as I do even though I know he's ashamed already. I know its the wrong way to behave but its so hard, I feel I have to take myself out of the situation now, we have to live separately as I can't deal with it anymore and he will not accept help. But I get overtaken with the guilt of leaving him to look after himself, but as much as I want to support and him, I am destroying myself at the same time. everything is going in circles and I don't know what the right step is.
You made the right choice. I think taking a step back will be very helpful for you. It's so hard to remain calm when you have a front row seat to a disaster. Getting a little distance will help you get out of panic mode and make strategic decisions on how to respond.
I feel the same exact way… I’ve been going thru the same situation for 9 years. It has drained me physically, emotionally and mentally. Everything he does is my fault and I get blamed for his relapse. I speak calmly to him and he still thinks I’m attacking him or trying to start an argument when I speak the truth. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m Broken and confused on what to do… I’ve been nothing but patient, supportive and understanding all this time. I’m exhausted and it’s making me really sick. Causing my health to deteriorate :( watching these videos help me and reading everyone comments with similar situations are helping me to remain strong.
I think you are experiencing co-dependant,disengaged
You are a blessing!
Right back at ya!
@@PutTheShovelDown you are a light in the darkness
All your advice is gold thank you for doing what you can to make a difference
You are so welcome, Cynthia!
Hi Amber. I've watched this before and I'm watching it again because it's so helpful to me. Thank you. I appreciate you. I'm going through a very difficult time with my 34 year old addictive son. Taking one day at a time. Be blessed. 🌹🙏💗
I absolutely do the pestering, because it drives me nuts to leave conversations just tense and unresolved. I would rather get the truth out and know where he stands, even if its going to be an angry conversation.
Hi Jenna. I appreciate your honesty and insight. It's refreshing. It's typically that one person in a relationship may have the need to get it all out, while the other tends to avoid. I think a compromise is best. Like agreeing to have the conversation at a later (set date/time) once both people have time to collect their thoughts. Forcing conversations only leads to both sides saying hurtful things.
Put The Shovel Down You are correct! It sure did last night. He pulled the guilt/distract method, I pulled the pester and just force the convo method, it was entirely unproductive.
Thank you so much for the videos- I just learned today that the lives are Thurs at my lunch hour- will join you next week!
Keep doing what you do! Your informative and interesting videos helped me and I'm sure a ton of others a lot in life. So thank thank you, genuinely from the bottom of my heart :')
I appreciate that! Thanks Cris😁
New to your channel, I just want thank you for your knowledge.
I can’t believe it didn’t look for support earlier on this trauma
It can become the normal, and we forget that it's trauma!
I think I’ll be Coming back to these videos and Ask questions when I have the time. I recognize almost all of it.
Hi Kjerstin! We'd love to hear more from you in the future 😀