This Is What Your Addicted Loved One Is Telling Others About You!
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 2 ต.ค. 2024
- Have you noticed that friends and family don't believe you when you're talking about what's happening with your addicted loved one? Have you noticed friends and family are looking at you differently? Why is everyone looking at you like you're the crazy one? The truth is that your addicted loved one could be spreading untruths about you! In this video, we're going to look at what people struggling with addictions frequently tell other people about their close relatives.
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You you so much for your kindness and generosity, Anthony! 😍🙏🏻
@@PutTheShovelDown your welcome, thank for this safe space! I get a lot out of your channel and appreciate all of the supports here!
Love the channel and your slow Southern style !
@@tracyspellman2181 thanks Tracy!
I have learned in my years and years of living with an alchoholic that everything he throws at me is what he actually is. I don't react anymore, just let him talk. He gets furious and eventually stops trying to get me to react. I'm trying very hard to get out of this marriage - but it's so frustratingly difficult to get away from a person who is hell bent on making you stay in the situation or he will lash out at family. I'm getting my finances together so I can get out and get away.wish me luck
Prayer's up! Many blessings!
Good luck Sis ❤
You got this!!! 💪🏼
Good luck. he did not take you of you?? Poor baby. Now it is time to take care of yourself.
Any updates? How are you!? Did you get away from him? ❤
1. Controlling, no boundaries, always in their business
2. Critical, can't do anything to make you happy, always bringing up their flaws
3. You have mental issues
4. You have an anger management problem
5. You overreact, emotional wreck
6. You're abusive and mean
7. You don't believe in them
They LIE in order to keep the addiction going. Or they actually believe those things about you. Distorted thinking.
💯💯💯💯💯💯
Thank you! Yes he has hit all 7 of those and it’s jaw dropping. No one has said I’m like that ever in my life
wow. For me these things looked like this, only in different words. Very covert words. 1. "Why don't you like me?"(everytime I tried to address issues. 2. Your mother just lost it(when I fought back against his anger)3. Can you say that more respectfully(when I try to talk calmly to him about issues 4. I just have deeper emotions then most(when he defends himself against my telling him about his pervading , dominating, moods that cause us all to either fear, be confused, have deep sorrow for him, or want to run away 5. There are just some things you don't tell your wife(when I caught him lying to me for no reason about the fact that he had wine, I didn't know he was an alcoholic, I just asked him, because, my son told me he had wine(my son was worried about his drinking))6. You never believed me (when I revealed to him, how I now see how he had hurt me in so many ways, how my eyes were opening to everything).
Thank you for this. It helps to see it.
OH MY GOD HE DOES THAT im not crazy holy
Also you’re the reason why they don’t have any money, or don’t have time to do X, or are not doing what they’re supposed to do…
I never understood why I was being considered a villain and why people were believing it and turning on me until I saw this. This is exactly what happened… it was so painful to go through and to be hurt like that but now I understand how and why that happened. This will help me bring myself back to myself, and bring some healing. Thank you so much.
I'm so glad this was helpful to your Stephen!
Same for me.
I've also heard most of these directly to me. It's been 10 years of deep sadness to see.
Both my adult addicts blame me. It's all good I am done.i am 65 yrs old. Time to take care of ME
💖
Just turned 65,l wish we could be buddies. Stay safe.
@@lynyeliga5251 where do you live ?Just state or province would be good.
Lyn hello maybe we can chat some time hope you are well
Yup 😁
When my husband came out of detox, he stood there, looked me straight in the face and talked about how nice the people in that place were, and how evil me and my boys are and were, because of the stand we took. I was sooo livid, let him have it, and just left it like that. It was so hurtful and terrible, to see him actually blame us. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. And, really, there had been years of kissing his feet and telling him what he wanted to hear all the time, so, we were done.
So you ended it? My husband is in detox (again) and I am trying to decide what to do.
Before this exchange with him, he asked me if I would welcome him back. I told him not to come home and to go get help so that he could return. Since then, he stone walled all of his children and myself, did not work to do anything to make himself better. Stayed at hotels, spending 15,000.00 from our joint account , and then, after doing nothing, he sent an ominous email to me stating he was returning, no matter what we think, told me he would stop drinking, "If necessary". So, I got scared, and got a protection order, he hasn't returned since. He is currently living in a so called "sober living" home, and talks behind my back to one of my sons, spewing hate and confusion. He can barely function at this point, he can't take care of his own life(this was a highly intelleigent man at one point), can't figure out basic things that he used to be able to do. It's very heart breaking. He lies behind my back telling people that I kept his children from him. BUT, I'll say, life here is 100% better without him. We are so much more free and happy! Since he has been gone, new realizations of things we put up with come up and I can't believe what I allowed him to do.
Prayers 🙏
Thank you@@jennielamgibson
@@jensheedy he has to successfully live at a halfway house - my cousin who lost two sons they have to live someplace that sucks so they will realize how messed up they are and hopefully not go back
I was the love of his life until I confronted him with his alcoholism and his absolute denial. I was astounded at the amount of hate and anger aimed at me for just saying the truth. I have never been hated before by anyone, and it's a shock that I am now suddenly despised by someone who a few days ago adored me for years. I am now preparing for him to blame me, telling everyone it's all my fault. Now that I don't have to excuse and cover for him any more, I like the idea I can be honest about everything to anyone, ESPECIALLY MYSELF. I can't do anything about what others believe about me, it but hope someday they know the TRUTH.
Like RuPaul says... "what other people think of me, is none of my business"
Oh my gawd! The controlling thing...the negative thing....oh they crazy thing as well....oh my the anger thing...over reaction....omg all of this....even the abusive thing! Oh thank you thank you thank you!
Oh my … I have never felt so validated I mean HE SAYS EVERY ONE OF THOSE SAME WORDS AND IN THAT ORDER💯
I'm so glad this was helpful, Cina! 😁
@@PutTheShovelDown so glad I found you and I do not feel so alone now!
This was so unbelievably validating to hear.
It is scary how socially isolated you can become because of the ways loved ones prioritize and defend addiction. This video gave me some hope to hear that there are ways to approach a loved one without losing your mind but also without enabling or losing the person. thank you for sharing
Thanks Nat, I'm so glad this was helpful!
Freedom from their nonsense is a beautiful thing. But, it takes a lot to get there.
Great advice. I'd never thought about them actually trying to start the arguments just to piss someone off and then blame them and ask, what did I do? When I react. Like right now the husband is doing things that he knows bother me, but I've, just through watching the videos, just been able to maintain my own peace to be able to just ignore it. Stay composed. And keep calm. You're absolutely right about taking ammo away from them. What can they say to you, if you literally don't react to the negative behavior.
You're getting an A+++++++, Talia!
This is so tough but true.
It's called going 'Grey Rock'.
The most hurtful thing I know my addicted ex was was telling other people... because he'd said it to my face during an unnecessary argument he'd created to go score... he said that I was angry and jealous when he made contact with his small children from a previous relationship.. he said he was going to see them.. he didn't, he went to score! My heart dropped in that moment!!! I'd spent years encouraging him to call them, visit them, buy them presents for their birthday's, I'd even bought them presents. Never had I once been funny about him talking to his children. He'd made no effort whatsoever with them for years and I do believe that I'm either the "reason" now or will be in time. That saddens me more than anything. I have a baby with him and 3 incredible sons from my previous relationship!!! Yeah.. got called crazy, got blamed for cheating daily but what hurt most was him saying that about his children!!! Free from all of it now!!!! 8 years, 17 police reports, 2 social service assessments later👀🙉 I got to the point where I got sick of trying to assess him and the situation!!! FREEDOM💃
Block them. Walk away. Let go . Let God.
I wish I could 😪
@@whiteybopbop9232 you can!!! You deserve to experience a good day/life.
It’s hard . Especially when it’s someone you care about
I tried doing that with my alcoholic daughter until I found her curled up in the fetal position wet and cold on the bank of a stream. I’ve heard people say they need to hit rock bottom. Well that was rock bottom for me. She is now in detox and will be going to rehab god willing.
Most brilliant lady on the internet. So true. The addict trash talks the non-addicted person. The addict presents as a sad poor little victim of the big bad non-addict. And when the addict spouse trash talks the non-addict spouse to another poor poor pitiful addict, that other poor poor addict starts trash talking their spouse. They have a pity party together, replete with alcohol/drugs/addictive supply. The addicts begins the loud Cooter Brown Cauterwauling together. The mating call of two addicts together. The bonding at the pity party. And then, Hello Limerence, The Mother of All Addictions. Chemicals such as ETOH are exogenous triggers of an endogenous physiological system.Amber NAILS it. Don't take their bait. They are hung over? Say nothing. They left the kitchen a mess? Say nothing. They lie to you? Ignore it. They get a dopamine boost from lying, deceit, conflict, and fear. When you get mad at them or they feel they have to sneak around, they get a " dopamine chaser" . Don't give them the dopamine chaser. Smile. Chin up. Don't fall into the pit with them.
Wow, mygoodnessdarlin! I can feel your passion for the topic 💖
Well said
Such a great point about the dopamine boost/reward. ..I wonder if this is similar to "duper's delight" 🤔
I loved this comment . I could write a book on my co-dependency , bad relationships with covert narcissists and addicts . I have persevered through raising a child with BPD and mental illness to now raising grandsons one like his mother. But my husband relapsing after 5 happy years of sobriety has been almost too much to bear . I am trying to " chin up " through listening to all his crap but the DUI and running over a stop sign and all the legal and monetary ramifications of that are really hard to swallow . And somehow , to this 57 year old man , it is not a big deal .....
O.M.G. Holy sh.. he totally fished hooked me 30min ago. I never saw it like this. Omg. Thank you for this video. Now I have to figure out how to not engage. ❤️ to all. (Omg holding my tongue is going to be rough)
You're going to be 5 steps ahead next time! 😎
I was his "crazy" scapegoat for over 10 years. When I quit reacting, he left me for another woman.
I’m so sorry that happened.😢
That's one if my fears. Keeps me stuck. We have been together 33 yrs.
I know it hurts but I'm so proud for stopping to play that role for him. ❤
I just learned about your channel a couple of days ago and I absolutely LOVE it!! I'm even listening to your videos in the background during work! I have learned so much in so little time and the Information that I've learned is a blessing!! I'm currently struggling with an alcoholic loved one who has broken my heart. Your videos have helped me not only learn about addiction, but they have helped me cope with tremendous pain I've been suffering with! Amber, I just want to thank you SO MUCH for what you are doing! You and your crew are AMAZING and the work you are doing is so important! Please don't stop! You are doing more than just helping relationships between addicts and loved ones, your suggestions can really help keep addicts on the right path and that means saving lives!!! God bless you!! ♥️
Wow! Thank you so much DaUniQuest1! It warms my heart knowing these videos are helping others. That's what keeps me making them. 💖
This is so validating. I’m all of these things to him… it’s so hard to walk away but I need to put myself first. I’m left home crying for days and he’s who knows where with a dead phone. Now he will show up and apologize and tell me he loves me and he won’t do it again. I need to kick him out I know I do but it’s so hard because I love him and I know how good he can be I’ve seen him sober and he’s amazing. I have extra patience with him because I am 11 years clean from a heroin addiction so I know and understand what it feels like to be in the grips of it. God give me the strength to make the right decision. Thank you for theses videos they are very helpful.
When I was an alcoholic this is exactly what I was ...... An absolute bastard I see that now..... My life has changed since realising this exact message
Impressive humility and honesty!
Lots of prayer 🙏
After 20 years of the monster that's addition move in with us, I'm finding it hard to even get myself to listen to anyone about it. But you Amber, knock it out of the park. God bless you for really caring.
Thank you Eileen. I'm just glad these videos are a bit of light in such a dark situation.
“He’s such a nice guy “
In the famous song by Amy Winehouse "Rehab". she talks quite plainly about playing parents against each other. She brags that her dad was always able to talk her mom out of the idea the situation was dire enough that drastic action was necessary.
That's exactly right!
Hey Amber, all the things you are saying are correct. I was in denial, and acceptance of my fate and it wasn't until I couldn't point my finger at almost anything but myself. I am so grateful for the strength of those around me for removing themselves as I didn't want to have them see my demise hence, pushing them away. I am currently sixty days sober, and working through my issues. Truly, I know I would not have been able to see light without those around me to help pull me up and those whom I've lost. My hope for them is that they find peace, and healing from the hurt. At this time, the best way to help those around me is to help myself, and I am constantly working to better myself. Getting healthy mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Thank you for the content as you help me to see light on the darker days
That’s beautiful. You’re willingness and humility are impressive 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻
I SO appreciate your honesty and wisdom. Thank you, Amber 💜
Dr Heather Bannon sent me to your channel. Thank you so much! I will be different when I get home today. I won’t be the excuse!
Yey! I love Dr. Brannon. She's my ADD doctor too 😁
I am so grateful I found your channel! it's been a big part of my recovery process along with therapy, alonon, etc. you are an amazing resource and I've shared your channel w my own therapist, friends and loved ones
Thank you so much Patty 😁
Your videos have helped me so much! My 18 year old sons life is hanging by a thread. I feel like I will lose him soon as he has no desire to change. He is also mentally ill so I am afraid to kick him out.. im terrified daily and his addiction has taken over my life. You have helped me so much. Your videos are the only thing giving me strength right now. Thank you!!!
Thank you for your kind words , Amber. I'm really glad these videos are helpful, but I'm sorry you're in such a crumby situation.
@@PutTheShovelDown My situation is beyond crummy. My sweet son :( Your videos are a godsend. I have learned so much and and have gotten so much stronger. Thank you thank you! You are a true blessing :)
I have heard all these from my alcoholic, that I have anger issues, I need help, I'm over emotional, I can't control myself, I'm nagging... literally all of this!
All alcoholics blame other people I think it’s cause they are ashamed .
@@jacquelinehunt7794 it's because engaging in fighting distracts from what THEY are doing! As she is describing in this video. Wow..this explains so much. Really hard to put aside the anger ect, but yeah, they manipulate us to no end
Oh my gosh!! Thank you SOOOO much for this! I have been lied about SO much behind my back by my eldest daughter,it has actually COST me family and old friends! They finally told me that she was telling them things when they would run into her at her job in supermarket! I am a little intuitive, and I FELT that their behavior towards me had changed and couldn't understand WHY. She told them that I was only working 3 days a week, leaving her to pay all of the bills by herself. Actually, things were just quite the opposite! And I DID lose my mind! Trust me, it felt like gaslighting....I never got a chance to confront her about it until a few years later, when she needed support and came back home. She kind of shrugged it off ,like it was no big deal....I also have guardianship of her now 8 yo and have since he was 4 months old. Now her trick is to lie to her son about me. I won't give her the satisfaction of losing it. And now I won't be a victim,either. It's none of my business what anybody else thinks of me.
I also don't get on her about her drinking. She actively drinks in the house and the only thing I ask of her is to stop leaving her nip bottles around. I have never nagged her because I know it won't me anywhere.
"It's none of my business what anybody else thinks of me" -Love this. Of my my really good recovery friends told me this years ago and it's always stuck with me!
Social services got my grandniece first. When l got to downtown court ., making inquiries about guardianship , the lady said too late , when social service got their hook on the baby , you cannot fight social services. You are doing good work with yourself. Stay safe . No money to the daughter, ever.
If she’s lying to her own child about you while you’ve raised her child, I’m not sure why you’ve let her back. I am def not judging you at all ❤. It gets confusing, and the lies and gaslighting really are crazy making.
Watching the kids deal with the insanity and drama is so heart breaking! I have two great neices and a great nephew strughling to survive instability and addiction! They stayed with me three months, and loved the stability! 😖
Starting to get it now. This channel is geared more towards the people that are dealing with alcoholics. You're doing excellent work, but not for me. You literally have no skin in my game. God bless you always for your good works my sister 😘❤
Thanks for stopping by Shari!
Listening to these will hopefully even help me with the workplace. Preemptively set up in long term care facilities, it’s mind blowing.
Human beings are so hard to maneuver. It’s so weird on how many levels this crap is going on. We all need this info from childhood.
Your statement about needing this info in childhood is so true! 💯
We just had 6 years of hell. It’s like you had an interview with my daughter. I am broken. So broken ….
Well I did this with my ex and I stopped reacting, but he went the other way and got deeper into addiction. His denial walls got higher and higher!!!! Until he finally attacked me one night and I had to call the cops. He then lied to cops and everyone else and hasn’t turned back since… traveling deeper and deeper into drinking!!
What a shame hun.
It does feel like enabling BUT I certainly see your point! Plus, I’ve been in this situation and yes, you’re 100% right! They start realising their problems and addictions and stop focusing on you nagging them!
💯
Yep heard it all from my fiancés friends & most of them hate me for it. But yes, I’ve heard & been told ALL. OF. THIS. Mainly from his friends along with being told I’m crazy
Sorry Jes. It just plain sucks! 😫
@@PutTheShovelDown It’s very hurtful cuz everyone thinks I’m the problem in the relationship. I wish we had the option to work with you. I’m learning so much about alcoholism from you & you’re describing my relationship to a T. & I love him & refuse to give up on him cuz I know who he is without the alcohol
I've just recently found this channel. It's really helping me cope with the mess I'm in with my alcoholic spouse. Thank you Amber.
Hi Shawn, Welcome to our little community. So glad you're here!
Pure gold.
My alcoholic 34-year-old son takes to texting to direct his abuse at his mother and me. I never realized that we were such awful people hell-bent on destroying his life. In spite of the fact that we have spent thousands of dollars bailing him out of poor choices, rehab and paying his rent when he lost jobs (I’ve lost count of how many) to say nothing to untold hours agonizing and praying over his self-destructive behaviour. And the filth, anger and stupid nonsense in his language goes well beyond anything I’ve experienced in my 66 years on this earth. He has done his best and succeeded for far too long in weaponizing our love for him. I can’t believe the gall of someone that would do that! I have suppressed my anger so many times, I’ve lost count. Well, no more. There’s nothing further his mother and I can do for him. He’s on his own and good luck to him.
I wish I would have learned this so much earlier. my marriage is over because I was always the villain, the criticizer, the “your efforts are not good enough.” It’s so hard bc, although I am justified and a lot of people would try to hold accountability like that, it’s not effective. Maybe my marriage could have been saved if I changed the dynamic. I have so much regret 😢
Your videos are brilliant and so helpful.
I love your compassionate but no nonsense approach.
Family member in serious addiction right now, in rehab for the 5th or 6th time.
For the first time I'm taking an active step back, resisting the drama, and doing some serious self examination, rather than focusing on them.
What do you do when your in a relationship with an addict that is also borderline personality disorder. No matter how wonderful you are to them they will tear you down and lie about you to their clients, family, etc to gain sympathy and make people, especially women, feel sorry for them. Chronic gaslighting is their thing.
Hi Shaunna Take a look at this video by about BPD. I saw it this morning. It's in response to the Johnny Depp Amber Heard case, but it describes BPD thinking and behavior really well. th-cam.com/video/Fck4tpfPW4U/w-d-xo.html
Yes I'm going through this ....
Amber, the minute I saw this title I winced and my heart started beating! This is one of the top, top, top reasons I struggle with my boyfriend's addiction, also because since I have no hard proof he's really saying these things it's like my imagination is doing more damage! Although like someone said in the chat he's said some of these things to my face. This falls under the umbrella of feeling like I'm being treated like an idiot, because if he has buddies that enable his addiction then he's probably cheering with them (or inside himself) when he thinks he's gotten away with another lie or hidden his use. As if being gaslit and manipulated weren't enough, it feels like he has a team and it makes me want to shake him and scream "Why are you with me if I'm so awful?! Just go!! You could easily find a girl who would be all for you using instead of me."
Anyway, thank you for another video that helps me feel less alone and less crazy. My boyfriend doesn't know yet that I know about his active use and your videos have kept me from saying things and acting in ways I would regret despite how hurt I feel until I figure out how to confront him. Because you're also so right about how some of those things are true as they have been in the past with me, and the info you share has helped me want to try something different. I know his behavior isn't truly personal because of how addiction works, but it sure feels like it is.
Careful
Keep boundaries
Say no to co dependence
I went through this same scenario with my addict husband. Exhausting.
Don't react and when you're ready get them out and go no contact
God Bless you Amber!!!
You're Phenomena 🙏❤ l really needed to hear this. I don't drink, but I do have 2 adult alcoholic children. This will definitely help me to my road to recovery.
I had a good life before kids. I Love them, but I want my life back....
I'm ready 🙌
It's great to see another informative video from you and I apologise for not responding to any replies from you and others a long time ago, which I might've done before!
Unfortunately, I was dealing with a health issue and other things, then made it worse by having an accident at home and hurt my head and broke my collarbone, which was partly caused by extreme stress.
It was a coincidence that you mentioned the fact that some of them will say it, or text, or write, to loved ones, because I was thinking about that at the time!
Another point is that I stopped drinking etc about 28 years ago now, yet the family members who are still doing those things as a way of coping (I don't judge them at all) are controlling with me and treat me as if I'M the one who needs to change and so on. 🤯
Hi Cyndi, great to hear from you. Sorry you've been having such a hard time lately. Glad you're feeling a little better.
I needed to hear this ! Thank you!
Thank you for this video. I have a husband that is an addict and now what to do divorce me, tells everyone how controlling I am. After 15 years, I learn I can no longer try to help save him after two overdoses. Putting me in jail over his addiction.
I made all mistakes to fight my meth addict and alcoholic husband, desperately trying to help him and encourage him to go to rehab. Sure … no luck. Sure he was spreading trash campaign against me !!! 95% at work and about 5% with his siblings.He had mastered meth production in a garage in our rental 55+ apartment.Abusing booze had made him functional alcoholic. Never lost job. Employer had tolerated all his behaviors since he
started working for them.
His siblings/7/ knew about all he’s been doing. None of them ever talked to me during our 13 yrs relationship.I felt like a black sheep that had been never part of these weirdo s.On the top of all behaviors he put lack in his bedroom door so he could compulsively masturbate himself behind closed door when half drunk and super high on meth.
In May 2022 got TRO for physically abusive behaviors and had to leave an appointment.
In June his car was found in a very secluded barely accessible park and he went missing.His remains have been found on Oct 4 . No autopsy, so no cause death.
His employer swept all under the rug however organized Memorial Service but nobody said a word about his behaviors as well as his daughter and siblings.
All u saying about trash addicts talk behind love ones backs is absolutely TRUE!!! Till now his employer seems to believe all trash he’s been spreading and still seems like they believe it .One sided judgement!!!They barely know me!!
Your channel is a fantastic source of knowledge that I haven’t had . If I knew it all my course of action would off been different.Whether or not helpful ???!!!I He probably hit a bottom!!Why he died we will never know.Maybe heart attack???
Maybe got lost in a thick wooded area ,??On Oct 8 last year he would off been 69.
Would be great if you were able to post a blog related to meth addicts and their sexual behaviors and destructive power of this drug!!!
My emotional recovery will take a long time !!
Take care of yourself. I hope you heal.
I have been looking for información about meth users and their sexual behavior, specifically about spouses....i have found none. A week ago i had to ask my husband to leave, i have been there for him, he went to rehab. Was clean for some months and went back. His porn watching was so bad and his sexual behavior, really killed our marriage, he is a meth/ sex addict.
This addiction behavior has a number of parallels with narcissistic personality disorder manipulation…externalizing and thus blaming to avoid all accountability
For sure!
The worst is when they lie to people who see what’s going on, yet those people choose to believe them. Somehow things like going to jail and losing property, as well as photos or videos of things that happened are meaningless to these people. If they want to enable and want to use you as a target, they will. Sometimes the addict doesn’t have to try hard to smear you.
My current situation. Which is why I’m letting go and they can deal with it!
I’ve been told he needs to protect his energy from me. That I’m suffocating. This man has been openly cheating and doing whatever he wants. So how I’m suffocating I don’t know. He tells his therapist lies and the most ridiculous reasons for wanting to divorce me.
I can't decide if this makes me feel better because I'm not alone or worse because I'm so tired of knowing people believe this stuff about me.
Sounds like Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Addiction is narcissistic. Self - absorbed.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dual_diagnosis
This video made me realize that I am saying these things about my husband, and that maybe I am an addict.
Wow! I love your willingness to look inside and ask yourself tough questions. Impressive!
Omg ty 4 this!!!
You're so very welcome. Glad it was helpful
Yes, this absolutely accurate. I had to leave. She can sink on her own, i decided not to watch anymore.
This is exactly what the addict husband did to me and taught our children to believe and treat me abusively just as he did. It was unbelievable to me and took me years to realize what had happened. Once I learned about addiction everything became clear.
This honestly is the most accurate thing I’ve ever listened to!!! My ex husband tells everyone literally every single thing you listed!!!!! WOW
Same here
Lmao he's said this to my face.
I haven’t even started watching this because of how triggering it’s going to be…. The stuff I read on his phone that he told people about me, I will NEVER forget. It makes me want to say and do very unbiblical things to him let’s say that! Lol but I won’t… he is the most evil human being on the entire planet and I’m doing my best not to HATE him. Not only the horrible things he said about me, but how AMAZING the mistress was compared and how many people he was working with to con me it of my own money….
Next level evil and I hope God brings vengeance on him….
Unfortunately, I learned in a 12 step program that whatever is said about me behind my back is none of my business! If I say anything about them without their permission, is gossip. THINK
Of course, I am controlling; otherwise, nothing would get done in my home. I know this is my recovery to work.
This is very true, it took me quite some time to realize that it's the alcohol. I was really hurt when I was told he said these things about me🥺🥺
I just want to say thank you for sharing, you have given me the knowledge so now I have some kind of an EFFECTIVE strategy instead of acting on emotions dealing with my 28 year old alcohol addicted son.
Oh my God!! All true. My wife was abusive alcoholic. And totally said all those lies about me!! May she rest in peace! I miss her every day. But I know it was the desese of alcohol. I can't blame her. But thanks for clarifying it to me. Wow
Amber .. this channel and your expertise has been more appreciated than you will ever know.
I am to blame, have been told so and cut out of my adult sons life.
His father, also an addict, has tried my sons entire life to get to this end. Meaning he has chosen his Dad and cut me out. His Dad considers this a “win”.
The story is long and painful.
Thank you for all your efforts !!
Thanks Sheila! I'm sorry you're in such a crumby situation.
All these things have been said then just yesterday after being with this person for 3 years that struggles with multiple addictions told me that I was right about everything , that he’s sorry he should’ve listened etc and when I thought he was being honest about recovery , finding God , us breaking up so he can get his life together . The entire time he’s been getting high. So today I decided to leave him with those ill consequences.
His dad finally got on board to set a boundry. No more insurance and phone money so he started living in his car by choice. He started to act like he was coming to my house but i stoppedd him. I was able to say I would help him not to buy methadone but to get detox. My son has completely unraveled and we are absolutely a bad guys. He is ANGRY! He says he is suicidal. I am a mess and feel like have set us back.
The only way my daughter got off drugs was Jail. Clean 3 years and has just relapsed again. I have had her daughter for 9 years. I'm too tired as a grandmother to go through this again. Love my daughter not the addict. My granddaughter and I moved states 9 years ago. This time I'm not there. All I can do is pray for her 😰
I think being with an alcoholic is extremely mentally draining. The whole process of protecting your energy, not reacting and living in uncertainty with hopes they change get better. The lies they tell others even when things are better with your treatment to them. They are vampires. Makes me want to be single forever thinking of all the mental games we as humans have to play in. I think I'm just drained.
This is so helpful. Thank you❤
My pleasure, Kelli. So glad it was helpful!
I was doing really good during a family crisis for 5 months and she blind sided me with such a horrible action I lost it for a minute. I will not talk to her again. It was bad. The end.
Point on .well said.
Thanks Madaline! 😁
@@PutTheShovelDown Your welcome :)
I really love your videos. I’m listening to your advice.
😃😃😃😃
OMG! There it is, the nail on the head. This must be a divine intervention. I am going to listen to this again and again. I've wanted an action or a way to get thru this horror of a relationship with my abusive adult son. I'm taking the bait. Now the bait is my first grandchild. I am miserable and I sometimes think he enjoys being mean to me.
On I can relate..I'm on my last attempt. He has nowhere to go after his gma kicked him out after a drug induced drama scene. I called 911 requested psych emergency hoping hospital would hold him for a few days..They released him next day..He went back to his glad and she didn't let him in. Cops came and served an epo. He sat down the road with a broken foot and 2bags of personal belongings. After the cops called me to ask if I was come get him and initially said no, when it was almost dark I have in only did to his broken foot, and expected extreme heat the next day. 24 hrs later already regret ring my decision. I've found him a rehab and giving him 3days to check in.. I'm done. He's 40 and been dealing with this 22 yrs. Cant, refuse to anymore. I'm in therapy and I'm finally putting my needs first..Prayers and hugs.
Just off the comments before the video started my gf has said this shit about me to her friends and NONE OF THEM BELIEVED HER! She was all sorts of messed up. It hurt so bad. I forgive her because it wasn’t her. She said I hit her, I mentally abused her…. I sexually abused her… like wtf!!! I took care of her better than any man she ever had in her life!!!!
These are all valid points. My mom is a NARC and told me she hates who I've become after narcissistic abuse which brought on the addiction. Is that okay? OBTW, I OWN ALL OF MY ACTIONS with my family. They shouldn't have to put up with what I've been going through. Not fair to be the victim all the time. They speak the truth and so do I, but there is an ENTIRE history here. I've spent a lifetime apologizing. Cut everyone off and just doing me. Go figure, when I got rid of family negativity, I've been able to truly begin healing. WOW! So you're saying it's always us even when we know about our addiction. WOW! I'm out, but interesting perspective. Best of luck and God bless. One size DOES NOT FIT ALL!!
Every time I the Addict comes in my house,l am triggered useing my angry voice.l found your videos tonite.thanks.
Hi Lyn, Welcome to our little community! Glad you're here 😁
Thank you Amber. I love your work . I send people your way when i get a chance.i caught my alo in an elaborate lie. I lost my temper with him and THEN realized i was codependent after he told me how crazy i was. I'd went into 007 mode, scolded him for acting like a teanager, attacked his manhood. I just wouldnt let up. Up to that point i did ok but.... seems i erased two years of good behavior with one bad day. :( actually what happened was a relaps he didn't want me to find out about because I'd went all in to his recovery. I remember thinking I couldn't take another relaps before I caught him lying.
He got mad and left while taking back the christmas present he bought me and half the food in the house. He blocked me. No contact. Since then I've joined two naranon groups and an open sober recovery support group to try and get my thinking right. I think naranon is great for a support system and they teach you really good life skills but they dont help with intervention. And they dont teach you anything from the AOLs perspective. I have learned so much from you!
After banging my head against the wall enough times I hit my bottom and drew my boundaries meaning I had to ask them to leave my home. So until they get into real recovery, all I can do is pray. In the meantime, I have serenity in the midst of this season of detachment. God and only God is why I can exist with a peace that is unexplainable. It's still sucks but I have hope!
Awesome topic! I think we all made others to be out the"bad guy". Thank you for always discussing this. I didn't do this but only because I had a lot of enablers in my drug use. No one wanted to see me sick but didn't understand they were helping me make things worse.
Thanks Anthony!
This is true drug dependent have a very different mind n perspective consciously or unconsciously drugs prone. Family over reaction arguments n controlling behaviour gives them justification to go for drugs. Just listen maintain ur boundaries n express the situation n saying No when needed is enough.
Hmmm, my daughter told me I have major anxiety, that she can't do anything right and no matter how hard she tries she can't make me happy. I'm thinking I'm going crazy! This makes so much sense now.
My daughter sounds exactly like your daughter.
Thank you for this video. My 16.5 year old son has recently started telling his new, “family and friends”, that I am mentally abusive and my husband is physically abusive. And that we have been his entire life. It has been so difficult to listen to him tell people these things when they are far from the truth. I have been working the CRAFT method for months now and my son has started staying away from us more and more with the “new family” because they believe him. They allow him to stay with them because he is safe there and he gets to smoke pot all day. He doesn’t even talk to his childhood friends and has started cutting out the rest of our family including his aunt and grandparents. The other night he came into the house and broke the closet mirror and then took a swing at his father and then walked outside and took scissors and scratched up the hood and sides of the truck. I haven’t talked much to him since. I live in fear of him. I have called the police and they said they can’t do anything about it and won’t hold him. I am so tired of being in fear. He says we are abusive, but it is I that is yelled and screamed at and called named and my things are destroyed. I am not sure what to do until he is 18.
Sounds like the other family is not only fueling his addiction, they're also fueling his self-pity. 😓
Just was told about ur channel...thank u so much
My pleasure. Welcome to our little community, Diane!
Aha moment - these responses are natural relative to what we’re reacting to! They are not tellin all of it! They are protecting their addiction!
Seen it for myself on his phone. And pretty awful stuff about our daughter. I'm letting her leave for grandmas for a while. idk how long I can stay, going to take it until I can't take it anymore I guess
That must have been devastating. I'm so sorry 😓
@@PutTheShovelDown I have basically come to expect it. Deciding it's best for my 16 year old to leave because of the mental distress she is going through is by far more devastating than any lies or exaggerations my "other half" could ever say, but thank you for your empathy and what you do here.
It is very helpful and empowering
I just told my husband.dont bait
me it doesnt
work. he still tries but I ignore him and he stops
You get an A++++++⭐
It’s to the point that I don’t even like my daughter. She disgusts me. She snaps at me, calls me names, over reacts, and at first I was devastated now I walk away. Can’t do this any longer. I had enough abuse with a mother who abused me now my daughter? NOOOOOOO I refuse to do this any longer. Oh did I mention she’s a cop?
My husband has said all of these about me. He is addicted to meth. I have been clean (from coke) for 14 years, but I also deflected with my family. You are speaking my life!
It must be extra difficult for you being in recovery yourself. 💖
It is! I struggle with having empathy for the addict, not allowing empathy to turn into enabling, lack of power, all that I have been taught in AA. I have to remind myself that this situation applies just as much as my addiction. I have no control. I am powerless. That, coupled with therapy has helped but I still struggle. I love him but he is not the person he once was.
Yes on fish hooking. Good point 🙂. I’ve been out but boy it took some time.
I've worked very hard in the last year to get off the crazy train and have completely transformed myself and my approach with the help of your videos and going through your online course. It has made such a huge difference in our home dynamic even though he is still addicted. He treats me so much better than he use to in response to my response. But tonight I woke up to check on the cats and overheared him talking to his buddy on the phone telling him a whole bunch of lies about me. It broke my heart. He outright attributes specific comments and actions that he did to me and twist everything. Why is he still telling these lies when it seems we are doing fine?
I'm right there w you!
Because he feels shame and guilt but he can’t blame himself as he would have to face it all so he projects it onto you. Don’t take offence it is his illness and you are doing good.
@@jdxx59 I'm so sorry. It is heart breaking.
It sounds like whatever he's getting out of the relationship chatting with his buddy is more important to him than telling the truth about you, even though it's all lies. And you'll still be there, etc, so there's no reason to be honest with the buddy.
I'm glad you have more peace now as that is what is really important. Maybe he would be honest about you with a counsellor but apparently not with the buddies, etc., not enough incentive. Just my guess. Also agree with what Julie Donohue wrote here.
@@harmonywhite9320 This recently happened to me. Our mutual friend shared a text my alcoholic husband recently sent him. It was filled with all the same lies he believed a year ago. It broke my heart. I cried and cried for two days. It was like the end for me. I thought if he still thinks those things, and even embellishes the truth even more, casting blame even where he didn't before??? I felt so hopeless. But, it could also be that my husband is just venting untruths to this friend and would say differently to me? Who knows.
Does her counselor know all this stuff about me is 90% nonsense?
Im in uk looking for this type of advice, every word you speak is the truth, hostage, trash mouthing, deflection on to others and guilt etc etc. Nearly 8 years now with my youngest 25 year old daughter. Its draining isnt it. Ive been through every bit of emotional blackmail.
Ive subscribed because what you have to say is universal advice.
Welcome to our little community, Debyor! So glad you're here.
My husband just told me I’ve dominated his life and he’s tired of saying sorry and so he feels I need to move on without him
Your videos are pretty awesome.
I have said that. But, my spouse drinks, and he likes to take us to bars on the weekends and drink for several hours. It makes recovery, or moderation impossible. He drinks at home whenever he wants and he doesn’t like when I do because I’m the addict. I’m confused. I’ve told him. He won’t change.
Wow! That would make it very hard to stay sober!
He says each and everyone of these things to me. He says it over and over. He has moments of clarity when he is sober and admits its not true, but it always comes back and he says it all over again.
Everything you said was spot on. I know bc I live it every single day, my son addicted to meth, tells me to my face. And much worse. I'm sitting in my car at 330 am, wondering if I even have a reason to live? Its the worst drug you can imagine, dont know how to cope. Iv been through hell and back several times. Your videos are very helpful for me and god knows im so thankful for you, we've both needed help for so long, iv stood before judges in court pleading with tears to find help, but NEVER received any help. These self help videos helps me and they must help others as well. So much thanks to you am so grateful. Cannot thank you enough, not enough words, thought i was going crazy, glad theres others out there in this world experiencing the same and I'm not alone anymore. Thank you ♥
You are not alone!!! I just posted my short story about meth addicted husband who body kept decomposing in a thick wooded area during 2022 summer and his remains were found in October.
This drug makes loved ones a living hell and they all know how to do it just to make sure they won’t be exposed!!!
I love your films. it helped me to face the reality: once you are involved with an addict, you suffer and live life worst than the addict less the fun of the high. I kicked her a** of my life over a hear ago and life is amazing. so much more to life than just to bend light (fix and addict).