I dated someone for a few months and they said they didn’t want kids as we started . Slowly I thought they would change their mind but one time I had a pregnancy scare and I saw how he acted about it . He clearly stated that if I was pregnant he didn’t want anything to do with it . The next day I broke up with him . We are not on the same stage in life and I realized I can’t change him . Now I’m only dating if we are on the same stage in life and only if our core values align .
Have you explored your part in the situation? I imagine he felt betrayed given that he clearly communicated at the start and you dismissed it. I ask this for therapeutic reasons. It wasn't just that you weren't on the same page or had different values, it's that you disregarded information that didn't fit with your narrative. This will remain a pattern until it is addressed.
Desire comes easily…and dies shortly without daily attending to. We often give our jobs, careers, and so on more attention and “showing up” regularly, consistently, than a relationship. We also don’t see how individual it is to attend to one person/relationship than another. We stop being curious, and getting to know the layers, and so we get bored. The environment for desire, hopefully deeper than just a surface desire, has to be cultivated and continually updated. Relationships are dynamic, changing, a co-creation between you and that person…and too often, people treat the relationship like a book, that you can shelve and it will stay the same. Not even close.
I am not jealous by nature, but 40 years ago I had the strange experience of sitting on one side of a room smoking a cigarette while my husband and an old girlfriend of his sat on the other to avoid the smoke. I said to myself that was never going to happen again and quit smoking on the spot! LOL!
"My partner doesn't belong to me. They are on loan to me with an option to renew "...my biggest takeaway from this...so true, and very important to remember! Thank you, Esther! 💜
So much of what Esther talks about is a critique on the culture generally. From many Eastern spiritual perspectives, where the body mind is on loan to us and that this is one of many lifetimes, the way we relate to others, including intimate relationships, is different and even the idea of loan is a little off from that perspective. Cultural investigation shows us all the different ways of connecting to ourselves and others.
When you get married in a monogamous relationship there are certain things that you and your partner reserve only for each other. For some things in marriage it’s only and always your turn lol
I needed to hear this. I married my husband for his personality, character and values. But I try to change this one thing and I thought whether I will be happy if that doesn’t change and after Esther’s words I understood that there are sides of my husband that are much more important to me that this one thing I’d like him to change. Now I think that if it changes - great, if not - he is still the greatest man for me and I don’t want to give him up.
I would say depends... what do I need to let go to have us together?.. .. what ever contains True God Love Path 😘❤ and Love stays Great!!!!🕊️😊✨ To make a decision to be with someone must come bc they know they belong together they need each other breathing energy of Love, support.. ❤🕊️ 😘💕😅
Excellent perspective! I was thinking the same about my boyfriend who is just an amazing man! Everything I have ever wanted in a partner…and I’ve been waiting a long time for the right person. There are two minor things that have annoyed me a bit. Not major…but i keep asking myself “can I be okay with this long-term?” Because it is an inherent part of his personality…when I consider how wonderful he is in so many other ways that matter more to me, I’ve decided I can live with the other two. 😌❤
@@kristine6996”nothing” wrong. Yikes. Just in that statement, you used a cognitive distortion, which shows rigid thinking. Being superficial is usually a subconscious avoidance strategy. It is born out of trauma, most often (even emotional neglect is trauma), and a way to avoid the feelings/discomfort with the deeper levels. Usually there is an insecure attachment style driving this way of being. Living in avoidance leads to addictions, toxic relationships, not living to one’s potential and letting external things drive choices. Ultimately it is not authentic. Being out of alignment with one’s authentic self, is a subtle form of self neglect and self betrayal. It will lead to all sorts of chaos, subtle and otherwise. Those are just a few issues with existing in a superficial realm.
Jealousy can be a healthy emotion. You are aware of a threat to lose what you love. Like fear, it is vital to feel it. Often, when one partner was jealous in a relationship, there was indeed a good reason for it.
That he chose to be vulnerable in a public conversation is attractive to us as the audience! This channel has some of the best conversations with Esther! So many good tips at a well paced discussion!
I felt like Lewis many years ago too but I figured that a person is their own person and they make their own choices, and as an individual even in marriage that other person has their own life
every word this woman says, has its own weight ! I was watching this video and noticed I was nodding yes !!!!! the whole time. what an honor it is to have access to Esther's wisdom.
Don’t complain about your spouse to anyone else. If you have a problem with your spouse, talk to your spouse. Listen to your spouse. Think about what your spouse says. You only have one spouse. There isn’t anything better out there.
Ignore this advice for any relationship that includes or has included abuse, especially gaslighting/reality-denying. Outside perspectives are crucial to help abused partners identify the abuse and take steps to leave.
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation: 00:03 💍 *The impact of unvoiced expectations on relationships* - Discusses the negative impact of going into a relationship expecting one's partner to change or wishing certain characteristics would shift overtime. - Highlights that when someone gets married, they're not just making a deal with their partner but also a deal with themselves regarding expectations about changes in their partner. - Advises against hoping for certain drastic changes, like a person's desire to have children, as it could lead to resentment. 03:13 ⚖️ *The importance of alignment of values in a relationship* - Explores the topic of alignment of values in a relationship and whether differences in values can still result in a successful relationship. - Suggests that it depends on the ability to live with differentiation and how comfortable one is in making choices individually. - Gives examples of topics that individuals must align on, such as having children, religion, and life choices, and emphasizes the importance of not expecting the other person to change. 06:01 💔 *Discussing Jealousy* - Delves into the theme of jealousy in relationships, including the speaker's personal journey in overcoming his own jealous tendencies. - Discusses the idea that jealousy is not an early emotion - it comes from having a sense of who you are. - Suggests the shift away from jealousy came from an increased sense of self-confidence and a lessened fear of abandonment. 10:31 😨 *The intersections between jealousy and attraction* - Examines jealousy as a force in relationships that can both fuel attraction and cause challenges. - Distinguishes between the crippling, painful form of jealousy and the kind of jealousy that increases appreciation and attraction towards the partner. - Points out that the shift from one to the other involves increased confidence and security in one's connection with the partner. 13:31 💡 *Insights on Conditions that Fuel Desired Partners* - Enumerates the four conditions when a person often finds themselves most drawn towards their partners, identified from asking people around the world. - Illustrates the close relationship between love and desire, explaining how they correspond, conflict, and contribute to the mystery of eroticism. - Explains how time, unusual situations, other people's perceptions of the partner, and longing during absences or reunions can create attraction. 17:59 🌉 *The role of culture and mutual aspirations in relationship dynamics* - Discusses the different ingredients necessary for a relationship to work, including love, feelings, culture, aspirations, and value. - Suggests that in embarking on a life journey with another person, seeing it as a negotiation and renewal instead of a contract can make for a better relationship. Made with HARPA AI
Poem of a man seperated from his wife and children: “When you told me you wanted out, I cried and raged like a child; My fear and anger was like that of a hunted lion in the wild. My life ended that day just as it began when we first met; My response was ‘please babe not without counselling, not yet.’ I knew you had been unhappy and it made me frantic to help you smile; for this quest in my mind I marched mile after mile. Now you are gone and I am expected to “move forward”. How can I when I still hear you, feel you and smell you in my dreams and as I wake? You are in my dna as you have been since I first said “I love you”. I still love you. I always will.”
It's one thing to agree with these wise words "intellectually" and yet another to learn to actually live by them after how we were raised ... that is an even much deeper commitment to growth and to yourself and learning to genuinely let go!!!
Thank you so much for highlighting 'admiration'. When I see my partner in her own element, not needing input from me, that's the time when true feelings surface. . .
Sometimes you get into a relationship especially if you’re young and haven’t got it all figured out yet what you want in a woman/man. Then later down the road you realize oh gosh I need this or I need that out of this relationship. But it’s too late. You didn’t go into the relationship with those expectations but they formed after years of self discovery and maturity.
Self discovery is a natural process. That being said, if you have a new expectation, it would be good if this can be discussed in the open rather than, from past experience, having to suppress that for peace sake, it could be hard on that person. That is the reason others become the sounding board. PVEL.
Great point. I’ve had a few long term breaks from a relationship with a man I’m 13 years older than. It helps to step away with an open heart to revisit the love. We must have space to find ourselves at any age
13:30 desire-love; in her element(living her dream; doing her thing, alive, passionate;self-sufficient; competent; not need you at that moment;desire not loving；admiration>respect); (joyful; vibrant) surprise; through the eyes of others(does not belong to you; with an option to renew); Apart (absence, longing)
I think it also helps to articulate to your partner if you feel you are a jealous person. I know I have been.. it started when my parents divorced and I saw my mother with another man. I was 6 when I first noticed my jealousy. I remember feeling and telling myself that, that man doesn't belong to my momma, she belongs to my daddy!
Marriage is a foundation for a secure structure to bring children into. By design; even though it's breached earthwide in our World. Rare is security. Cherish it 💞
It took me just short of 30 years to realize that my partner was holding out false hope. We have been together 28 years. He moved in with me 10 years ago while agreeing we would purchase a house together. He still owns his poorly maintained home but seldom went there. I became resentful that he was not ready to make that commitment when he kept stating it was his desire to do this thing. I asked him to move back to his home 4 months ago. He still asks me to give him time to be ready for deciding if he wants to do that. I no longer believe him, and have at last let it go. So you see 30 years to overcome a relationship pattern is not so unusual. And any change, no matter how long it takes is brave & to be celebrated.
It’s extremely difficult to live up to someone’s expectations when they tend to change over time! It may not be that we expected to change them, they just changed on their own and moved away from us. Reality.
Secret deal in marriage. Profound sentence. Only if people were aware of their secret deal and were able to express it without being judged, world of marriage could have been much better. Thanks, as always, 🙏
I personally don't like when someone is jealous!!! It's a negative emotion... I trust myself and when someone doesn't trust me that is an insecurity that is difficult to deal with.
I’m jealous that some men are self aware enough to talk about their emotions. If couples could talk like this to one another, there would be no divorce or break ups and families would be stronger bc both people are whole within themselves and can articulate maturely.
Thank you greatly for touching on the topic of jealousy. I been married for over 6 years and been struggling with this piece. I love the response, I am working on myself. I love my wife and my family, I need to work on rebuilding my self confidence enough to trust and believe "all will be fine." I love these stories.
60yo lady here. Married for 38yrs til he died. We were at house party early in our marriage & I was enjoying banter & flirting from another man. When we left I asked my husband if he was angry that I had entertained this man's attention. His reply. No, because he can flirt all he wants but you're going home with me tonight. He never lost his confidence & ability to turn me on.
I am one lucky and loved woman as my husband agreed to move continents although he originally envisioned staying in the same place. After 16 years, I felt I needed to leave, that I overstayed my welcome. He trusted. We packed up our family, and took the leap.
The problem is people don't actually sit down and reflect and be honest with each other. If I love someone and want them to be with me and they say will you go to church with me i'm probably going to say sure. That is what makes things so difficult.
When are you most drawn to your partner? When I see my partner in their element radiant passionate alive self sufficient. When they don't need me I can desire them.
Wow this was excellent!,, Lewis is the best interviewer because he’s so real, sincere, and vulnerable!, don’t change ur approach. I get so much listening and learning from your. Guests and from you! Thank you both. Taking many notes on this video..
As I understand it, anyone experiencing jealousy, envy, hatred, passive aggressiveness, or any other negative behavior, it indicates that we are stuck state of arrested development. To the degree in which we rise above it is the degree in which our negatives feelings lose their power hence become relics of the past. This is how we cultivate maturity. The word jealousy is that which describes a specific kind of behavior that needs to be acknowledged in oneself and then understood for what it is so that we can find ways to outgrow it. Jealousy itself is not the problem. The problem is that we give no heed to it despite the harm it creates in ourselves and others.
Trust that change is not gonna happen. One of the most common things I've noticed in people is that too many will lie - they'll tell you what you want to hear just to keep you around to meet their needs (sex, attention, companionship, emotional support...). Married men or women apparently often lie when they say they will be leaving their partners, but young people in particular buy into that lie too easily (yet another reason why people should not get involved with married folks!). People lie quite a lot, apparently, just to exploit you for your energy (sexual, emotional, physical if you're keeping their house clean and cooking...).
Having self-confidence is something that Dan Bacon talks about and she hits the nail on the head when it comes to jealousy or this sense of 'I'm going to lose something/someone'... the more self-confident we are, then we do not place so much importance on the other person or persons... this is key when approaching lovely women that a man is interested in... if they reject the man when he approaches... if his self-confidence is strong... he won't put his tail between his legs and be hurt... he isn't affected by their 'rejection'. Then the women will see and know that he is strong and if the women are testing him then they cease testing him with regard to this and the women open up because they want strong men in their lives... now, the two of them can continue to discover each other...
At the beginning of the video Esther was talking about realizing your own desires and expectations and making sure that the partner can offer them, and if they don’t have those qualities to not expect them to develop them later. But what if your partner made it look like they posses those qualities and eager to offer them because they were in that honeymoon stage and after a long term they just went back being their natural self and now you feel confused. My partner at the beginning of the relationship was very cuddly and showed a lot of physical affection, although I always knew I am more affectionate, but after three years he became more “himself” and not as much interested in random cuddles, touching and kisses.
Be an adult and talk to them, tell them how they make you feel when they give you all that physical attention, please don't assume he can "see" your need. Communication is key. Also how you pose that discussing is critical, make it about yourself, never about his shortcoming ... tell him how it makes you feel when you receive that physical small attention throughtout the day. I guarantee you that most partners want to make the other SO happy, and he will start doing it more often.
Here is how you handle this: Never tell your partner (in a way that they can see and hear you) what you need that somehow got lost. Hold on to a secret grudge while you pretend everything is fine, and keep a tally of their unwitting offenses. Secretly judge them and breed resentment how they can possibly fail to read your mind, even as you randomly lash out at them about unrelated trivialities. And finally when you cant take it anymore, let all the bottled up frustration errupt at them. Your partner will surely be very understanding and appreciative of this turn of events. #worstrelationshipadvice
These people are pioneers. Even though they aren't saying anything incitive, they probably still receive hate and garbage just by default yet they ignore it and still make content anyways. True pioneers
Thank you for this interview. Do you think you can have another one with wonderful Dr. Perel to more deeply touch on how to accept your partner as they are? I feel like this interview, as wonderful and educational as it was, talked more about jealousy than accepting the other person as they are when there are very particular things you would like for your partner to offer you because you feel like you are out of alignment with your self if they don’t. Thank you.
I had a teacher in High School who would day seemingly odd things here and there. Interestingly, those are the things I remember. Anyways… one day he said this to the guys in the classroom: ‘Your wife has to be the most beautiful woman in the world.’ Now, knowing what his wife looked like, my 17 year old self chuckled and dismissed what he said. But after 20 years of marriage I know what he meant. If you are not truly drawn to your woman (and there can be many reasons besides physical beauty, although that is important too), then your chances of having a lasting relationship go down drastically.
Jealousy is an amazing thing when it shows you possibilities to grow as a person, let's you get to know your insecurities, and empowers you - through self-compassion - rather than inventing hoops for your partner to jump through just to stop you feeling jealous (avoidance). Jealousy is always about us. Because if it really was about the other person, is not jealousy, it's betrayal of trust, something else. Jealousy can feel like a betrayal though, so we tend to lay it at the door of our partner for them to fix, and that's a problem.
I've never been jealous personally, but others I've been involved with have struggled with jealousy. It is cultural. Perhaps it is misplaced passion. Many Israeli men report it as a positive, also attachment is perceived as a positive. As an American woman living in a somewhat Turkish/Sephardi Israeli town (Akko), some of this attention is perceived as unwelcome controlling aggression. It is rarely intended by the men as such. It is intended as warm interest: sexual, cultural, financial, social. Who is she? What can I do with her? What can I can gain from it? Misdirected but not with the intent to disrespect. When they don't care, they ignore you.
I’ve never been jealous with my lovers/boyfriends/etc. But I can be super jealous when it comes to my female friends. Like if I’m excluded from a group thing. Or one chooses a mutual friends time over mine.
When you married that’s not a loan lol when you get married certain things are reserved only for your husband and wife. It’s about laying out where those reservations exist in a way of compromise before getting married. While you’re dating it is a little more fluid/flexible. The stakes are lower.
My dad had such extreme jealousy through my parents' entire marriage. He was insanely jealous. It was horrible for their relationship and for all of us children growing up. Definitely problematic.
Stumbled upon your channel earlier today - and am floored with the truth, the tact, and the teachings. Total WOW content. Sharing with my friends & colleagues who are in relationships (and I'm learning, for future use!) THANKS FOR SUCH A GREAT CHANNEL!
My love language is physical touch and time. But my husband is not affectionate or romantic and has a fixed mindset i.e we couldnt spend time together discussing ideas and he does not stimulate and excite me mentally... after being together for almost 20 years its just plain and boring... although he is dependable and loyal i feel like we just lose the "spark" Help...
If you really love your partner you don't care to make children, if it will be it will if not it's ok too.. The special relation needs also private time for each other.. And the most important, spiritualy connection and growing in it.. So greatful
I told my partner that I would go to church with him( am not Christian, but was raised as such). I also said I would not kneel or take host. We agreed.
I honestly think that the end of jealousy is being sure of who you are, loving yourself, and trusting yourself to take care of your own pain, needs, etc. Not relying on someone else to make you okay.
Idk if jealousy, in itself, is a bad thing. I truly believe, as I have seen in the majority of relationships, that one should never put him or herself in a position to lose his/her partner. One should always choose his/her partner in any situation and over anyone. But maybe that's just me
4 ways you're desire/drawn: 1. In her element (competent, radiant, living her dream; doing her thing, alive, passionate; self-sufficient; not need you at that moment--> desire not loving; admiration>respect). 2. Erotic (joyful; vibrant), different, out of ordinary, surprise. 3. See through the eyes of others (my partner does not belong to you). 4. Apart (absence, longing)
If there's three things that bother you and it's not something like adultery unless you're both into that just go to them and talk to them about how whatever it is those three things are and how you tried to accept them before you know when you got married or whatever you decided to try to accept them because you love them but then it how it became an annoyance and maybe the taint a loving and caring way that you love them if they can help you with those things become less of an annoyance whatever they are if the person loves you they will listen and then apologize for not dealing with it sooner
In this times...DONT MARRY if you dont want a LONG commitment...LONG meaning at least 20 years or so..lots of couples marry becauses family pressure..a baby on thte go (not planned)..because they told you YOU ARE OLD...whatever...I am married for 15 years already.. with 3 kids...planned to have onlly one kid.. because I really believed I didnt want to overpopulete this planet! and also its a LOT of responsability and costs..of course..noboy talks about it..but it also changes the >romantic scenery wity your parter
When it is an important part of yourself but the other person loses all desire when you are older, you are stuck. Too old to throw everything in your life away so you live in sadness and resentment.
What would you be throwing away? A career? Financial stability? A house? If you're talking about the history of the relationship, that will never go away. That story will always be there. If you move on separately, it will just be a new chapter in your life story.
Easier said than done! 25 years on and never loved or desired, just cared for and loyal. Heartbreaking but no good options when breaking families…. Best left as is
So interesting, With regards to love and desire when a person is "needed"... so for example how does that come into play when a husband decides to get a job where he is the major income provider. Essentially he is always "needed" by the wife, and then the desire is gone...
1. What about partners who do not ask for your life besides them, not interesting in the play you saw, on the friends you met but they are affectionate when together?
I think that jealousy is very similar to stress. Possibly even a variant OF stress that comes from an emotional place regarding feelings of possessiveness regarding a relationship and desire to not have attention as a resource removed from the jealous party. Let me explain. Low levels of stress or acute but short lasting HIGH levels of stress activate the mind and excite the nervous system. Which on its own is NOT a bad thing. It can actually contribute to higher levels of productivity and focus. But chronic stress registers in the body as an illness. It has all sorts of negative health and mental effects. I think that jealousy operates a similar way. Low levels or small bouts with quick resolution remind the jealous party of their ACTIVE desire for their partner, a mental state which staves off complacency and boredom. It reminds them of the aspects of their partner they are grateful for and keeps them in a competitive spirit. Too much though can lead to DEEP insecurities or trust issues. So it must be balanced and tended to. Trust must never be damaged when allowing the existence of a controlled level (or unexpected occurrence) of jealousy in a relationship.
"Expectations are resentment in the making. Especially when they are not articulated."
"Expectations are resentment in the making"
This is so valuable to hear/internalise!
I dated someone for a few months and they said they didn’t want kids as we started . Slowly I thought they would change their mind but one time I had a pregnancy scare and I saw how he acted about it . He clearly stated that if I was pregnant he didn’t want anything to do with it . The next day I broke up with him . We are not on the same stage in life and I realized I can’t change him . Now I’m only dating if we are on the same stage in life and only if our core values align .
Have you explored your part in the situation? I imagine he felt betrayed given that he clearly communicated at the start and you dismissed it. I ask this for therapeutic reasons. It wasn't just that you weren't on the same page or had different values, it's that you disregarded information that didn't fit with your narrative. This will remain a pattern until it is addressed.
I think it's important to "desire" your partner. Their touch, smell, energy, friendship, opinion, etc. Without desire it dies.
Sure, but every feeling ebbs and flows. If you find yourself not feeling that desire, find it in them.
Well no shit, you need attraction for it to work
Desire comes easily…and dies shortly without daily attending to.
We often give our jobs, careers, and so on more attention and “showing up” regularly, consistently, than a relationship. We also don’t see how individual it is to attend to one person/relationship than another. We stop being curious, and getting to know the layers, and so we get bored.
The environment for desire, hopefully deeper than just a surface desire, has to be cultivated and continually updated. Relationships are dynamic, changing, a co-creation between you and that person…and too often, people treat the relationship like a book, that you can shelve and it will stay the same. Not even close.
I am not jealous by nature, but 40 years ago I had the strange experience of sitting on one side of a room smoking a cigarette while my husband and an old girlfriend of his sat on the other to avoid the smoke. I said to myself that was never going to happen again and quit smoking on the spot! LOL!
I love this story, Patt! :)
😅🤣😂 Good decision 👏
Good one! 😂
If everybody made decisions like you, this world would be such an amazing place!!
😝😂👏
"My partner doesn't belong to me. They are on loan to me with an option to renew "...my biggest takeaway from this...so true, and very important to remember! Thank you, Esther! 💜
That totally flips on its head the notion that a lot of us have eh? :)
WOW!
As Rich Cooper always says: 'Your partner is not yours, it is only your turn.'
So much of what Esther talks about is a critique on the culture generally. From many Eastern spiritual perspectives, where the body mind is on loan to us and that this is one of many lifetimes, the way we relate to others, including intimate relationships, is different and even the idea of loan is a little off from that perspective. Cultural investigation shows us all the different ways of connecting to ourselves and others.
When you get married in a monogamous relationship there are certain things that you and your partner reserve only for each other. For some things in marriage it’s only and always your turn lol
This woman is just a pure genius !!! I can’t believe she is fluent in 9 languages 😮❤️❤️
Hi kaye
More than 9 languages, unspoken languages
I needed to hear this. I married my husband for his personality, character and values. But I try to change this one thing and I thought whether I will be happy if that doesn’t change and after Esther’s words I understood that there are sides of my husband that are much more important to me that this one thing I’d like him to change. Now I think that if it changes - great, if not - he is still the greatest man for me and I don’t want to give him up.
We all have deal breakers and some differences just aren't that big of a deal!
Do you still feel it's important to you Amanda?
Love is a give & take; a life long venture; a gift of partnership. If we can focus on our own roll in that we have an amazing insight into family
I would say depends... what do I need to let go to have us together?.. .. what ever contains True God Love Path 😘❤ and Love stays Great!!!!🕊️😊✨
To make a decision to be with someone must come bc they know they belong together they need each other breathing energy of Love, support.. ❤🕊️ 😘💕😅
Excellent perspective! I was thinking the same about my boyfriend who is just an amazing man! Everything I have ever wanted in a partner…and I’ve been waiting a long time for the right person. There are two minor things that have annoyed me a bit. Not major…but i keep asking myself “can I be okay with this long-term?” Because it is an inherent part of his personality…when I consider how wonderful he is in so many other ways that matter more to me, I’ve decided I can live with the other two. 😌❤
I love this woman. Everything she says comes from this place of thoughtfulness that cuts through the superficial.
🧡
👍
There is nothing wrong about being superficial. ⚖️
@@kristine6996lol - except when it leads to superficial values?
@@kristine6996”nothing” wrong. Yikes. Just in that statement, you used a cognitive distortion, which shows rigid thinking.
Being superficial is usually a subconscious avoidance strategy. It is born out of trauma, most often (even emotional neglect is trauma), and a way to avoid the feelings/discomfort with the deeper levels. Usually there is an insecure attachment style driving this way of being.
Living in avoidance leads to addictions, toxic relationships, not living to one’s potential and letting external things drive choices. Ultimately it is not authentic. Being out of alignment with one’s authentic self, is a subtle form of self neglect and self betrayal. It will lead to all sorts of chaos, subtle and otherwise.
Those are just a few issues with existing in a superficial realm.
Jealousy can be a healthy emotion. You are aware of a threat to lose what you love. Like fear, it is vital to feel it. Often, when one partner was jealous in a relationship, there was indeed a good reason for it.
That he chose to be vulnerable in a public conversation is attractive to us as the audience! This channel has some of the best conversations with Esther! So many good tips at a well paced discussion!
Thank you so much for your feedback 🙂
Perhaps a useful aspect of the character you desire to embody within yourself :)
I felt like Lewis many years ago too but I figured that a person is their own person and they make their own choices, and as an individual even in marriage that other person has their own life
We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.
Marshall B. Rosenberg.
every word this woman says, has its own weight ! I was watching this video and noticed I was nodding yes !!!!! the whole time. what an honor it is to have access to Esther's wisdom.
So many A-ha moments with every interview with Esther Perel. She’s simply the best ❤
This woman is a genius in an incredible way
Don’t complain about your spouse to anyone else. If you have a problem with your spouse, talk to your spouse. Listen to your spouse. Think about what your spouse says.
You only have one spouse.
There isn’t anything better out there.
Ignore this advice for any relationship that includes or has included abuse, especially gaslighting/reality-denying. Outside perspectives are crucial to help abused partners identify the abuse and take steps to leave.
@@AI-dp3rd thank you ..
She is so full of practical knowledge and has the chops to communicate masterfully. Wow!
MORE MORE MORE. The relationship between Lewis and Esther gives us so MUCH BEAUTIFUL conversation 😍 ❤️
🧡🧡🧡
If there's any speaker i will always vouch for, it's Esther Perel. What a woman! Thank you for the work you do!
🧡
Facts only. She is so clear headed with her communication. I’m married happily for 32 years and this is all 100% facts. Love to listen to this genius.
“expectations are resentment in the make” 😮
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation:
00:03 💍 *The impact of unvoiced expectations on relationships*
- Discusses the negative impact of going into a relationship expecting one's partner to change or wishing certain characteristics would shift overtime.
- Highlights that when someone gets married, they're not just making a deal with their partner but also a deal with themselves regarding expectations about changes in their partner.
- Advises against hoping for certain drastic changes, like a person's desire to have children, as it could lead to resentment.
03:13 ⚖️ *The importance of alignment of values in a relationship*
- Explores the topic of alignment of values in a relationship and whether differences in values can still result in a successful relationship.
- Suggests that it depends on the ability to live with differentiation and how comfortable one is in making choices individually.
- Gives examples of topics that individuals must align on, such as having children, religion, and life choices, and emphasizes the importance of not expecting the other person to change.
06:01 💔 *Discussing Jealousy*
- Delves into the theme of jealousy in relationships, including the speaker's personal journey in overcoming his own jealous tendencies.
- Discusses the idea that jealousy is not an early emotion - it comes from having a sense of who you are.
- Suggests the shift away from jealousy came from an increased sense of self-confidence and a lessened fear of abandonment.
10:31 😨 *The intersections between jealousy and attraction*
- Examines jealousy as a force in relationships that can both fuel attraction and cause challenges.
- Distinguishes between the crippling, painful form of jealousy and the kind of jealousy that increases appreciation and attraction towards the partner.
- Points out that the shift from one to the other involves increased confidence and security in one's connection with the partner.
13:31 💡 *Insights on Conditions that Fuel Desired Partners*
- Enumerates the four conditions when a person often finds themselves most drawn towards their partners, identified from asking people around the world.
- Illustrates the close relationship between love and desire, explaining how they correspond, conflict, and contribute to the mystery of eroticism.
- Explains how time, unusual situations, other people's perceptions of the partner, and longing during absences or reunions can create attraction.
17:59 🌉 *The role of culture and mutual aspirations in relationship dynamics*
- Discusses the different ingredients necessary for a relationship to work, including love, feelings, culture, aspirations, and value.
- Suggests that in embarking on a life journey with another person, seeing it as a negotiation and renewal instead of a contract can make for a better relationship.
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Thanks that so sweet of you
Poem of a man seperated from his wife and children:
“When you told me you wanted out, I cried and raged like a child; My fear and anger was like that of a hunted lion in the wild.
My life ended that day just as it began when we first met; My response was ‘please babe not without counselling, not yet.’
I knew you had been unhappy and it made me frantic to help you smile; for this quest in my mind I marched mile after mile.
Now you are gone and I am expected to “move forward”. How can I when I still hear you, feel you and smell you in my dreams and as I wake?
You are in my dna as you have been since I first said “I love you”.
I still love you. I always will.”
Man, that's beautiful - and horrible. 💔 I'd sooner die than feel that way again.
Get a grip brutha and HTFU.
It's one thing to agree with these wise words "intellectually" and yet another to learn to actually live by them after how we were raised ... that is an even much deeper commitment to growth and to yourself and learning to genuinely let go!!!
It's a continuous path of learning & growing.
I tend to re-watch Esther's interviews for exactly this reason. It's a process.
Thank you so much for highlighting 'admiration'. When I see my partner in her own element, not needing input from me, that's the time when true feelings surface. . .
Sometimes you get into a relationship especially if you’re young and haven’t got it all figured out yet what you want in a woman/man. Then later down the road you realize oh gosh I need this or I need that out of this relationship. But it’s too late. You didn’t go into the relationship with those expectations but they formed after years of self discovery and maturity.
Self discovery is a natural process. That being said, if you have a new expectation, it would be good if this can be discussed in the open rather than, from past experience, having to suppress that for peace sake, it could be hard on that person. That is the reason others become the sounding board. PVEL.
Great point. I’ve had a few long term breaks from a relationship with a man I’m 13 years older than. It helps to step away with an open heart to revisit the love. We must have space to find ourselves at any age
13:30 desire-love; in her element(living her dream; doing her thing, alive, passionate;self-sufficient; competent; not need you at that moment;desire not loving；admiration>respect); (joyful; vibrant) surprise; through the eyes of others(does not belong to you; with an option to renew); Apart (absence, longing)
I think it also helps to articulate to your partner if you feel you are a jealous person. I know I have been.. it started when my parents divorced and I saw my mother with another man. I was 6 when I first noticed my jealousy. I remember feeling and telling myself that, that man doesn't belong to my momma, she belongs to my daddy!
Marriage is a foundation for a secure structure to bring children into. By design; even though it's breached earthwide in our World. Rare is security. Cherish it 💞
It took me just short of 30 years to realize that my partner was holding out false hope. We have been together 28 years. He moved in with me 10 years ago while agreeing we would purchase a house together. He still owns his poorly maintained home but seldom went there. I became resentful that he was not ready to make that commitment when he kept stating it was his desire to do this thing.
I asked him to move back to his home 4 months ago. He still asks me to give him time to be ready for deciding if he wants to do that. I no longer believe him, and have at last let it go.
So you see 30 years to overcome a relationship pattern is not so unusual. And any change, no matter how long it takes is brave & to be celebrated.
She is fantastic. I just love her. She genuinely cares. She is my guru.
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I love the explanatory of Esther Perel, she is my Guru...................😄😄😄😄😄
It’s extremely difficult to live up to someone’s expectations when they tend to change over time! It may not be that we expected to change them, they just changed on their own and moved away from us. Reality.
Secret deal in marriage. Profound sentence. Only if people were aware of their secret deal and were able to express it without being judged, world of marriage could have been much better. Thanks, as always, 🙏
You're welcome, thank you for being here 🧡
I totally agree
12:00
Who gives a fuck anyway?
I personally don't like when someone is jealous!!! It's a negative emotion... I trust myself and when someone doesn't trust me that is an insecurity that is difficult to deal with.
I agree
I’m jealous that some men are self aware enough to talk about their emotions. If couples could talk like this to one another, there would be no divorce or break ups and families would be stronger bc both people are whole within themselves and can articulate maturely.
Is that really a rare trait in men? I do know that more intelligent men are more likely to commit and less likely to cheat.
They have to feel safe to open up. And we as women need to look for the way they show their emotions to us, because usually it’s not verbally.
When we are younger we are not aware of anything. We definitely picked it wrongfully. My experience after 15 years of marriage. Divorced now.
Thank you greatly for touching on the topic of jealousy. I been married for over 6 years and been struggling with this piece. I love the response, I am working on myself. I love my wife and my family, I need to work on rebuilding my self confidence enough to trust and believe "all will be fine." I love these stories.
I'm rooting for you!
60yo lady here. Married for 38yrs til he died. We were at house party early in our marriage & I was enjoying banter & flirting from another man. When we left I asked my husband if he was angry that I had entertained this man's attention. His reply. No, because he can flirt all he wants but you're going home with me tonight. He never lost his confidence & ability to turn me on.
I am one lucky and loved woman as my husband agreed to move continents although he originally envisioned staying in the same place. After 16 years, I felt I needed to leave, that I overstayed my welcome. He trusted. We packed up our family, and took the leap.
Esther is like a well of wisdom.
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Mean what you say and say what you mean. Simple, yet one of the worst issues in relationships. This will be your foundation you build together.
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The problem is people don't actually sit down and reflect and be honest with each other. If I love someone and want them to be with me and they say will you go to church with me i'm probably going to say sure. That is what makes things so difficult.
When are you most drawn to your partner? When I see my partner in their element radiant passionate alive self sufficient. When they don't need me I can desire them.
She deserves a Nobel peace prize!
Wow this was excellent!,, Lewis is the best interviewer because he’s so real, sincere, and vulnerable!, don’t change ur approach. I get so much listening and learning from your. Guests and from you! Thank you both. Taking many notes on this video..
You're welcome, thank you for being here 🧡
As I understand it, anyone experiencing jealousy, envy, hatred, passive aggressiveness, or any other negative behavior, it indicates that we are stuck state of arrested development. To the degree in which we rise above it is the degree in which our negatives feelings lose their power hence become relics of the past. This is how we cultivate maturity. The word jealousy is that which describes a specific kind of behavior that needs to be acknowledged in oneself and then understood for what it is so that we can find ways to outgrow it. Jealousy itself is not the problem. The problem is that we give no heed to it despite the harm it creates in ourselves and others.
Trust that change is not gonna happen. One of the most common things I've noticed in people is that too many will lie - they'll tell you what you want to hear just to keep you around to meet their needs (sex, attention, companionship, emotional support...). Married men or women apparently often lie when they say they will be leaving their partners, but young people in particular buy into that lie too easily (yet another reason why people should not get involved with married folks!). People lie quite a lot, apparently, just to exploit you for your energy (sexual, emotional, physical if you're keeping their house clean and cooking...).
Having self-confidence is something that Dan Bacon talks about and she hits the nail on the head when it comes to jealousy or this sense of 'I'm going to lose something/someone'... the more self-confident we are, then we do not place so much importance on the other person or persons... this is key when approaching lovely women that a man is interested in... if they reject the man when he approaches... if his self-confidence is strong... he won't put his tail between his legs and be hurt... he isn't affected by their 'rejection'. Then the women will see and know that he is strong and if the women are testing him then they cease testing him with regard to this and the women open up because they want strong men in their lives... now, the two of them can continue to discover each other...
At the beginning of the video Esther was talking about realizing your own desires and expectations and making sure that the partner can offer them, and if they don’t have those qualities to not expect them to develop them later. But what if your partner made it look like they posses those qualities and eager to offer them because they were in that honeymoon stage and after a long term they just went back being their natural self and now you feel confused. My partner at the beginning of the relationship was very cuddly and showed a lot of physical affection, although I always knew I am more affectionate, but after three years he became more “himself” and not as much interested in random cuddles, touching and kisses.
Be an adult and talk to them, tell them how they make you feel when they give you all that physical attention, please don't assume he can "see" your need. Communication is key. Also how you pose that discussing is critical, make it about yourself, never about his shortcoming ... tell him how it makes you feel when you receive that physical small attention throughtout the day. I guarantee you that most partners want to make the other SO happy, and he will start doing it more often.
Here is how you handle this: Never tell your partner (in a way that they can see and hear you) what you need that somehow got lost. Hold on to a secret grudge while you pretend everything is fine, and keep a tally of their unwitting offenses. Secretly judge them and breed resentment how they can possibly fail to read your mind, even as you randomly lash out at them about unrelated trivialities. And finally when you cant take it anymore, let all the bottled up frustration errupt at them. Your partner will surely be very understanding and appreciative of this turn of events. #worstrelationshipadvice
You have to love from your heart rather than you mind
She is so amazing!!!
Such a brilliant conversation! Great interviewer and a truly expert on the topic 💜
Thank you so much for your feedback 🙂
Jealousy is good when it inspires personal growth or reassures you of the strength of feelings you have for someone else- it can be a compass
Thank you for this video. It helped me more than anyone I spoke in the last three days.
A really good content creator go on.
She is so practical!!!!!! 🙌🏼🙏🏽❤️
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Hi laura, how are you?
Jealousy is definitely a young persons game. I think the more mature you become the less it bothers you.
I think the more secure you are in your relationship, the less it bothers you.
These people are pioneers. Even though they aren't saying anything incitive, they probably still receive hate and garbage just by default yet they ignore it and still make content anyways. True pioneers
I appreciate the flow and exchange of this interview allowing both people to share knowledge on one side supported by experience in the other side.
Thank you so much for watching!
Thank you for this interview. Do you think you can have another one with wonderful Dr. Perel to more deeply touch on how to accept your partner as they are? I feel like this interview, as wonderful and educational as it was, talked more about jealousy than accepting the other person as they are when there are very particular things you would like for your partner to offer you because you feel like you are out of alignment with your self if they don’t. Thank you.
You're welcome, thank you for tuning in 🧡
What happens when the partner says one thing but does something else over time?
I had a teacher in High School who would day seemingly odd things here and there. Interestingly, those are the things I remember. Anyways… one day he said this to the guys in the classroom:
‘Your wife has to be the most beautiful woman in the world.’
Now, knowing what his wife looked like, my 17 year old self chuckled and dismissed what he said.
But after 20 years of marriage I know what he meant. If you are not truly drawn to your woman (and there can be many reasons besides physical beauty, although that is important too), then your chances of having a lasting relationship go down drastically.
I heard a comment about jealousy years ago: "Jealousy is a form of love; but among the lowest forms of love".
I gotta learn from Lewis. I struggle with jealousy, always in my relationships. My dear is also possessive but not to my extend.
Jealousy is an amazing thing when it shows you possibilities to grow as a person, let's you get to know your insecurities, and empowers you - through self-compassion - rather than inventing hoops for your partner to jump through just to stop you feeling jealous (avoidance). Jealousy is always about us. Because if it really was about the other person, is not jealousy, it's betrayal of trust, something else. Jealousy can feel like a betrayal though, so we tend to lay it at the door of our partner for them to fix, and that's a problem.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Wonderful talk, great preacher
I've never been jealous personally, but others I've been involved with have struggled with jealousy. It is cultural. Perhaps it is misplaced passion. Many Israeli men report it as a positive, also attachment is perceived as a positive. As an American woman living in a somewhat Turkish/Sephardi Israeli town (Akko), some of this attention is perceived as unwelcome controlling aggression. It is rarely intended by the men as such. It is intended as warm interest: sexual, cultural, financial, social. Who is she? What can I do with her? What can I can gain from it? Misdirected but not with the intent to disrespect. When they don't care, they ignore you.
I’ve never been jealous with my lovers/boyfriends/etc. But I can be super jealous when it comes to my female friends. Like if I’m excluded from a group thing. Or one chooses a mutual friends time over mine.
When you married that’s not a loan lol when you get married certain things are reserved only for your husband and wife. It’s about laying out where those reservations exist in a way of compromise before getting married. While you’re dating it is a little more fluid/flexible. The stakes are lower.
My dad had such extreme jealousy through my parents' entire marriage. He was insanely jealous. It was horrible for their relationship and for all of us children growing up. Definitely problematic.
Stumbled upon your channel earlier today - and am floored with the truth, the tact, and the teachings. Total WOW content. Sharing with my friends & colleagues who are in relationships (and I'm learning, for future use!) THANKS FOR SUCH A GREAT CHANNEL!
So glad you enjoy the channel! Thanks for being here! 🧡
My love language is physical touch and time. But my husband is not affectionate or romantic and has a fixed mindset i.e we couldnt spend time together discussing ideas and he does not stimulate and excite me mentally... after being together for almost 20 years its just plain and boring... although he is dependable and loyal i feel like we just lose the "spark"
Help...
Love her blonde streak!
"On loan with an option to renew.."🙂 Good one. Will have to remember that.
She is amazing.
🙌
She is incredible ❤
💯
Jealousy is a normal feeling in a human, but it have to be balanced.
If you really love your partner you don't care to make children, if it will be it will if not it's ok too..
The special relation needs also private time for each other.. And the most important, spiritualy connection and growing in it.. So greatful
I told my partner that I would go to church with him( am not Christian, but was raised as such). I also said I would not kneel or take host. We agreed.
How has it worked? PVEL.
Concept of desire well explained.... What a wisdom in your words
Thank you for being here 🧡
This advice and guidance is gold.
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I honestly think that the end of jealousy is being sure of who you are, loving yourself, and trusting yourself to take care of your own pain, needs, etc. Not relying on someone else to make you okay.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts!! 🧡
She is amazing
You can accept to do things without your partner, but eventually your doing everything without your partner. Why are you there?
❤ this woman is gold.
Political differences after almost 30 years with held grudges are a big problem!
~14:26 onwards: 👏; thank you.
Hi,
New to your channel, love the succinct and earnest presentation. Lovely!
Idk if jealousy, in itself, is a bad thing. I truly believe, as I have seen in the majority of relationships, that one should never put him or herself in a position to lose his/her partner. One should always choose his/her partner in any situation and over anyone. But maybe that's just me
I really liked the tonight video short and so well explained❤✨🙂 only better communication can take us from messy misunderstanding ❤🕊️😌
4 ways you're desire/drawn: 1. In her element (competent, radiant, living her dream; doing her thing, alive, passionate; self-sufficient; not need you at that moment--> desire not loving; admiration>respect). 2. Erotic (joyful; vibrant), different, out of ordinary, surprise. 3. See through the eyes of others (my partner does not belong to you). 4. Apart (absence, longing)
Have a look at lewishowes.com/podcast
Great explanation on jealously
If there's three things that bother you and it's not something like adultery unless you're both into that just go to them and talk to them about how whatever it is those three things are and how you tried to accept them before you know when you got married or whatever you decided to try to accept them because you love them but then it how it became an annoyance and maybe the taint a loving and caring way that you love them if they can help you with those things become less of an annoyance whatever they are if the person loves you they will listen and then apologize for not dealing with it sooner
In this times...DONT MARRY if you dont want a LONG commitment...LONG meaning at least 20 years or so..lots of couples marry becauses family pressure..a baby on thte go (not planned)..because they told you YOU ARE OLD...whatever...I am married for 15 years already.. with 3 kids...planned to have onlly one kid.. because I really believed I didnt want to overpopulete this planet! and also its a LOT of responsability and costs..of course..noboy talks about it..but it also changes the >romantic scenery wity your parter
❤ 1:43-1:46 ~ Especially when they're not articulated. It's good to be honest and communicate everything, secret bargains and all =)
“ your partner doesn’t belong to you. They’re just on a loan with the option to renew” 🎉
brilliant. simple and brilliant.
When it is an important part of yourself but the other person loses all desire when you are older, you are stuck. Too old to throw everything in your life away so you live in sadness and resentment.
What would you be throwing away? A career? Financial stability? A house?
If you're talking about the history of the relationship, that will never go away. That story will always be there. If you move on separately, it will just be a new chapter in your life story.
Easier said than done! 25 years on and never loved or desired, just cared for and loyal. Heartbreaking but no good options when breaking families…. Best left as is
I wish kids have this speech in schools
So interesting, With regards to love and desire when a person is "needed"... so for example how does that come into play when a husband decides to get a job where he is the major income provider. Essentially he is always "needed" by the wife, and then the desire is gone...
1. What about partners who do not ask for your life besides them, not interesting in the play you saw, on the friends you met but they are affectionate when together?
I think that jealousy is very similar to stress. Possibly even a variant OF stress that comes from an emotional place regarding feelings of possessiveness regarding a relationship and desire to not have attention as a resource removed from the jealous party.
Let me explain.
Low levels of stress or acute but short lasting HIGH levels of stress activate the mind and excite the nervous system. Which on its own is NOT a bad thing. It can actually contribute to higher levels of productivity and focus.
But chronic stress registers in the body as an illness. It has all sorts of negative health and mental effects.
I think that jealousy operates a similar way.
Low levels or small bouts with quick resolution remind the jealous party of their ACTIVE desire for their partner, a mental state which staves off complacency and boredom. It reminds them of the aspects of their partner they are grateful for and keeps them in a competitive spirit.
Too much though can lead to DEEP insecurities or trust issues.
So it must be balanced and tended to. Trust must never be damaged when allowing the existence of a controlled level (or unexpected occurrence) of jealousy in a relationship.
You accept the advantages and the differences