You don’t want the compliments not only because you feel you don’t deserve it, but because you have learned that you had better shine less bright than the narcissist or you’ll be punished.
In my case it was a vulnerable narc--a screaming four-year-old just under the mask of a pleasant adult. Any hint of self confidence or pride would set it off. I tried the self-help regimen of asserting myself in modest doses. And sure enough, set this person off again. It became clear that the established order of my childhood was not in any way to be disturbed.
You are so right, my narcissistic died 4 years ago, and I still feel like I'm pretending to cover up how I am truly feeling. Having said that, there is now so much joy in my life. 3 grandchildren in the last 3 years and a 4th due very soon.
1.Second guess what people say 2.Displaying poker face at social gatherings 3.Overclean their surroundings 4.Doublecheck lockdoors at home 5.Prefer to eat or travel alone 6.Stutter when sharing their personnal stories 7.Say "I'm sorry" all the time 8. Avoid eye contact in conversation 9. Hyperventilate when proving a point 10. Brushing off compliments
Recovery is so sweet 🎂, slow, scary, hard work but still sweet. Remembering who I was before. Feeling more youthful now at 61 than all the years I was married to this life problem. The movie reference, SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY. Good movie for recovery.
I was raised by a narcissistic mother, I walked away and never looked back. However, even after 7 decades...I am still de-programming from her abuse. Such a horrible way to treat a young child.
Big Huge Hugs my friend !!!! I walked away from my histrionic malignant narcissistic mother 28 years ago. NEVER looked back and also worked all this time to heal and will continue to work till my last breath. People can't fathom what we lived thru. I'm working on a definition that helps linear thinkers know in advance I process uniquely. Today it's ....I have an artist soul with an ADD brain. I feel everything and everyone I'm around inside my body. Hard to explain except to say everyone and everything has weight and depth and temperature and feeling that register so I can feel how to deal with the person or situation. It's a wordless 360 information my body gages without me even trying. Not to say that's how we all are, just how my mind and body still process after such a childhood.
@@jooliagoolia9959 Oh my dear, when I read "I have an artist soul with an ADD brain. I feel everything and everyone I'm around" it gave me chills because I could have written that line myself. Spot on! When you describe how you feel...it's a part of me and I live it every day. I'm an Empath and it sounds like you are as well. So I wonder if our narcissistic abuse triggered it. I use to think it was because I'm a Libra, but now I'm seriously re-thinking it. Here's something that always had me puzzled....I couldn't look people in the eye if I knew for a fact that they were lying to me. I never understood that and still don't. It's still a struggle for me. Because (especially when it's someone I love) it feels like visceral, physical pain. Hard to describe, but there it is. I take heart in the fact that I and all of you are survivors. We survived and hard as it is....the narcissist didn't win and we're still standing. @jooliagoolia9959
So difficult to walk away from these people. I understand 100%. It took me 35 years to start understanding I wasn't the issue and another 10 to walk away. These people have zero self reflection and everything is your fault.
My mother died in 2007, in my 30's. People around me were waiting for it to 'hit' me and for me to feel something - sorrow, grief, _something_ . But all I could feel was safer.
I am waiting for the notification. It will be a lifting of a heavy burden. I have no contact but I won't be free until she goes. Ppl who have normal and loving relationships with their mothers can't understand.
@@kymfjohnson1 I know, it's ok to feel sad about it sometimes. All the sadder when she was right there, in real life. Didn't even have the good excuse of passing away in our childhood. Being deprived by a present mother takes some repairing. So many reminders in every day life. I'm way past that at my age. Thank goodness. I'm glad I was able to be happy for friends in different circumstances without bitterness. I'm glad I understand it and am emotionally at peace about it. I wish my niece wasn't struggling with the same damn thing though. I'm struggling with that. Is your mother with a small M ill currently? I'd be totally fine with you adding a comment to let me know, so I can low key celebrate your freedom.
For many of us, it's all about safety. I have my keys = I can't get locked out = I'm safe. I have money = I'm safe. I have food = I'm safe. I travel alone = I'm invisible = I'm safe. I don't engage = I'm safe.
This is exactly how I feel too. Every type of behaviour mentioned in this video makes me feel safe and that's what counts and allows me to continue living.
OMG!! You hit the nail on the head!! When I feel unsafe, or triggered I try to be invisible..... or I wish to be invisible..... I isolate Myself..... it's the reason I don't have any friends..... I don't feel safe around people
Being alone is great. I don't have to worrying about pleasing anyone, mind-reading anyone, making my life revolve around what they want to do, cooking food my own way, and just EVERYTHING for ME instead of them.
Wow, are you EVER singing my song! After I was widowed at 31, I quickly learned independence was GREAT . But I also learned I couldn't afford it. (Looong story, and I'll spare you) Sometimes I wonder what I would've been.
Yea right trying to justify and rationalize the benefits of loneliness. Everyone needs a romantic relationship. We aren't better alone. We're better with people who love us
@@14reasons58 - I won't argue that point at all. But until the person who loves you crosses your path, you're better off doing as you please. Unless you're into drama and high school level head games.
Tibetan monks/nuns will undertake a retreat of complete solitude of 12 years, before they are considered to be fit to teach others. It makes sense, and they are meditating most of the time, working on their abilities and developing their "view" of reality, the mind, and no doubt savoring the simplicity and peace of being in a world orchestrated by you, (and the universe). But they dont use the internet either.....they are. usually in a cave or hut high in the himalayas....truly alone. Thats why they developed Tummo, the kind wim hof uses, so they could stay in the high himalayan caves (away from people) year round. Thanks for the inspiration!
I aplogize to inanimate objects all the time, and the cat too (although she is alive and quite responsive to me!). My husband knows why, but other people do not and often just think its amusing.
Another trait: Talking fast without pausing. They are so used to being interrupted that they try to say everything they want to say in the shortest amount of time, hoping nobody will interrupt them before they are finished.
@@Langkowski Thanks for your comment. It will help me feel empathy for people who do this because it can be maddening to be on the receiving end of it. This will help me pause and not be offended.
Spot on! To make it worse not only do I talk super fast to as you described perfectly, I almost always become aware that im doing it midway thru my word purge and start stumbling,stuttering and (to me) i hear my voice start to sound shaky. I get so embarrassed bc i know i now sound nervous and unsure of what im saying which leaves an absolute perfect set up for my abuser to utilize my panic attack to discredit my feelings/thoughts and validates all the things he has said to tear me down and uses my PTSD anxiety as a weapon to doubt myself.It leaves my head spinning and completely unsure if I really am the bad person he says I am.I ended my last relationship a year and a half ago after 8 yrs.The relationship started off ok.By the 2yr mark it his 12yr old daughter with her own set of issues and filled with rage moved in w us and had no problem telling his dad to go fk himself.Right then we went downhill.He couldn't have a relationship with me and his daughter at the same time. His guilt over his parenting mistakes caused him to pair up and talk shit about me and made me feel like its 2 against one and he wouldn't discipline her if she set the cat on fire.Our relationship ended there.This is when he began showing narrc. traits as well as some signs of a mental health issue is happening.He dealt w phases of depression,mood swings anxiety throughout his life.At 51yrs old he began showing major swings of depression where he quit his job for 2yrs (i ruined my credit trying to support us on a Disability check).Then he would stay up for days completley paranoid,thinking he had parasites in him and he would pull out every pot pan plate etc and was boiling water in them to kill them.I was so frustrated and angry bc he wouldnt get help bz he believed his delusions even when he came out of manic stage.It got horrible from there bcz what started as typical narcc. abuse turned into paranoid delusion and the began to see me as a Dark witch that is working w Satan and im just tricking him into thinking im a good person.Shit got real! I was scared and pissed and losing my own mind! I left him when he brought a shotgun home and was taking all my forms of identity away and hiding them.He looked at me w evil eyes and i realized he's not recognizing me he's seeing me as working with the dark side.He kept saying "I can see you.I know who you really are" in a slow measured tone.I was so terrified.He said "idc what you do but if you touch my dads or grandmas stuff theyll never find your body". First of all i have no idea what things hes talking about.Besides his dads ashes he doesnt have anything of theres.So he can see anything in the house as belonging to them (even a fork) and i have no clue what i can or not touch bc hes in psychosis.The cops took him to the hospital and he was released 2weeks later w a dianosis of Bipolar and Schitzoaffective Disorder w Psychotic features. He came out angrier than b4 saying i put him in a psych hospital (i didnt),that theres nothing wrong w him and its the medicine thats causing this.During the 2 weeks he was gone i called my best friend of 43yrs and she let me move in with her 4 and half hours away in the country.He really was going to kill me.He still thinks im working for the Dark one and i ruined his life.He sent me that text in March which was 11months ive been gone so i blocked him.I dont trust him he really scares me and his delusion is extremely dangerous.His moms a full blown narrc. and he is too.Between his mental illness and those traits already there its been a nightmare.I still question if he's right and i really am a bad person but i cant see it.I had such hateful thoughts w him it wasnt a stretch to confuse my validated anger and him convinced im a horrible person.UUGGH! To whoever stuck around and read this to the end thanks for allowing me to vent! To anyone else living with someone whos dealing w more than just the regular asshole narrc abuse and it appears they might truly believes you really are the bad person the narc is saying you are (a delusion) dont wait to find out.I was lucky i had two weeks alone to have a plan. Sending Love and Light to all the beautiful ,capable people here that are deserving of love from yourself and others!
@@dianneduncan9353 this is me. I have never been alone and i was effectively trained to not have friends or company so now I rarely leave the house. 24 years and I am really screwed up. I screwed my kids up by not having the balls to leave. I will be 43 this year. This really hit me.
We also don’t like compliments because narcissists often use them as a way to manipulate us. Live through enough abuse and trauma, and hearing someone give you a compliment just makes you question whether they really mean it or they just want something from you.
@@phuffyb5242 Yeah, immediately sends up red flags & 1st thought is "What do you want, what are you up to??" Especially bc when my nark is complimenting & 'love bombing' then it's time to keep my guard up bc it means any minute they're about to get reeeeally ugly, really quick. It's always something up their sleeves. Sugar me up just to tear me back down. At this point, nothin sugars me up anymore. Just in a constant 'resting beech face'. 😐😑😬😅 A few years ago an outsider told me I was very beautiful. I didn't smile, I was just thinking of all the times my nark fam members called me ugly & how beauty is nothing. It's all about how we treat others. Thank goodness this outsider took my lack of enthusiasm well… no hard feelings bc they knew what was up. But, yeah, when compliments, or even put-downs, don't hold any value whatsoever, all you're left with is actions and the obvious truth. Words start to mean very little after all the non-stop lies & deceit from these relationships.
I hate that you’re right about that- I automatically think “what do you want from me? Where is this going? Trying to stay 3 steps ahead of the game constantly and it’s exhausting,. Also when being in any new environment do you find you always find every exit or entry to that space within the first three seconds ?
I briefly worked with a guy who was CONSTANTLY apologetic about EVERY little thing he did wrong. He was a new temp and I was training him. I had to tell him that making mistakes was okay and not a big deal, but he acted like it was the end of the world each time. One of my coworkers brought up that he may have been a victim of abuse. It was so sad.
Either that or he is very afraid pf loosing his job because people will drop a man from a job in a drop of the hat over any little thing. Seeing how the workplace will let women and their favorites get away with everything and little things get everyone else fired ..... probably afraid to have to go home and say he lost his job again. Also just saying if he is a temp he is def afraid to lose the job cuz its prob all he has..... we are all one missed paycheck away from homelessness
I would have said the same, but there are also some other disorders that could cause that. My niece is 13 and has had mental health struggles since she was 5. She has recently been screened for autism and they have confirmed it. She apologizes about everything, and when she does she looks like she's expecting a beating. My sister and her partner are amazing, my sis has incredible patience with every struggle they face. I do wish that my parents were as attentive as understanding. Every night since Ali was 3, they have bedtime rituals of just talking about their feelings and anything else they have on their minds. Ali is also really OCD too, she crumbles into tears and anxiety if things are changed. Like she has to use the same plate for every meal, and she is very sensitive about her back. Like she twists her arm up behind her back like to "protect". It breaks my heart seeing her like that, and it's made me see things differently- like with your coworker. Whatever the reasons, there is something there that causes that, and if not abuse then it may be internal. Both are sad to see.
@@Feoshyt I'm starting to think it's that the state the world is in inflicts the effects of narcissistic abuse on autists... same here. I remember Dad getting very frustrated at how I would cower when he's never laid a hand on me. xwx;
@@deetoxinz7252 places will let go of anyone, regardless of gender. Workers are not valued, regardless of gender. I've seen and heard of women getting fired or let go over really stupid stuff, including just pure jealousy. I think most people fear being let go, and are fearful when they've done something wrong. I know I am! I'm not so sure it really has anything to do with him being a man.
The irony is the narcissist literally turns us into them minus the lack of empathy. We become paranoid if people's intentions, second guess things, wear a mask etc. They turned us into a version of them but luckily we can heal and they cant
victims like to eat or travel alone, not to take back control or to reclaim their independence, but because that's the only time they feel safe - when no one else is around.
I’ve eaten alone at work for the last 12 years, ever since I started working. I also sit in my car after work and spend an extra 15 minutes alone, by myself, decompressing and dreading going back home. I’m only myself when I’m at work or in my car.
My mother and an older sister were my first narcissists, then my now ex husband. Managed to end up dating a guy who was even worse than the ex, and he nearly destroyed me. I live alone in a small town, keep to myself, and have a wonderful, non critical feline friend who gives me all the affection I need … or want. There’s no therapy available in my area, and I don’t drive. Alone is my safe place. Just me, the cat, and my books. 🇨🇦🖖🏻🇨🇦
💯 all the time. And then I'm embarrassed afterward and regret wasting people's time like that. But then it happens again...a vicious cycle I'm trying to break.
A point I might add to the lot is how those who went under narcissistic abuse tend to have a very good memory of what they have said in order to not let ppl put words into our mouth, twisting facts and all.
You are so right about this. I remember as a child being so confused when my mother told me why I had done whatever bad thing I had done. I had forgotten this until while raising my children. Whenever my husband would try to tell one of our kids something like ‘you did that because you feel this or wanted that’ I would feel panicked and tell him ‘don’t give them motives for their behaviour they may not have
And being VERY careful about what you say and how you say it. People often comment about how precise and thorough I am. 😂 something good that came out of a terrible situation, excellent communication skills.
I know very easily when someone is full of crap. Or lying. Or if the energy is off ..I can literally feel it. I had to learn to figure like what was really being said.. bc the adults that spoke if they did.. didn't give much guidance.. or reasoning.. and usually different sets of guidance for different children. And I learned to watch eyes, eye brows and learned to watch facial expressions bc I knew what I was seeing was not ok . Why did I have to do this and not her type thing. And why don't you believe me and just a bunch of religious stuff with it that made it worse.. when I was very little. And 😢heard the lessons and it was not what I was living in my house. Very confusing. If I asked any questions I would get shamed and had to pray . I mean it's nuts to me now. A 5 yo.. asking a question.. and you put me on my knees and make me beg God to not send me to hell.. and Shame on you.. I was told I was going to hell so much I eventually believed it and said screw it.. why even try anymore . When I was a teenager I started experimenting.. my sis was good girl. I was bad one.. it's classic.. my mom told me I remind her of her mom and she can't stand her.. I loved my Mamaw. I learned so much from her. She said I'm just like her. I said it was a compliment. I found my voice link like 43... I stand up for myself. I don't just take it now.. it still hurts. She still does stuff behind my back. She knows I know.. I tell her. I will have the last word bc you will more than likely die before me. I know you want me to kill myself but it will not happen. So just based on age in health. Stats it will be you. She doesn't like it.
I thought I had made so much progress healing from narcissistic abuse, but this list shows me how much more damage I still need to recover from. Narcissistic abuse really should be a crime for how badly it wounds a person
Counseling & the mental-health field has also covered up things on narcissism & something like one out of six people out there are narcissists & this is a lot of narcissists in society!!
For me it's going in the wrong direction through self-destructive chotic behavior and questionable life decisions from never having learned proper healthy control of my self or my surroundings
@@lastvestiges I know those feelings all too well. I spent years in a self destructive cycle. I have healed from the worst of it through the practice of self love and self forgiveness.
I'm CPTSD, opposite of OCD, view just about everything like that as punishment, its like freedom to leave dishes in the sink, know people that are crazy off the hook ocd though and its hard to call a truce.
The first 6 months after I left my ex I could hardly put a sentence together. I was having trouble leaving the house. I felt so upside down. It's crazy what mental abuse can do.
I had gotten used to so much that I didn't realize how much I was in survival mode until I left. Wow what a relief it was! I was blessed to have a great support system ready as I left.
❤ yes madness. I used to have a wicked sense of humour and people used to love it and I was always very careful not to cause harm. 10yrs to the now (as damn, dine with that now!!!), of an off on with a narcissist man and I feel the need justify my every comment & opinion and terrified to make casual conversation incase I get judged or misunderstood... So glad I finally was led to watch some input on narcissism (only this month finally) and thereby identified my sister (the background story to subliminal lack of worth it turns out I believe) and my ex as narcissists -AND POOF, thereby the overlay of continuous damn internal dialogue of justification and explaining, virtually lifted overnight. F*ck em for their every judgment and undermining and distorting of everything about me!😅😊
Mine stalked me even though I had a no contact order. He went to jail 3 times for violating it. I had to move 4 hours away and still looked over my shoulder for a long time. He thought he owned me and how dare I leave him. By the grace of God I survived.
You best not try to say anything about the abuse to anyone unless they specifically went through Narcissistic Abuse . It is only traumatizing because you can see you don’t make sense to them , and begin stuttering feeling anxious , like you sound like you are making It up
I avoided eye contact because you learn, as a victim, that eye contact was a challenge to the narcissist. It's hard to break that habit once you are free
When I had a major concussion (with my prefrontal messed up and my amygdala running wild) this went into OVERDRIVE. I literally had to stare at the floor, at home but esp at work and in one on one meetings. I had to explain to my boss (scary!) Thank God she understood and was very gracious.
My ex forced me to make eye contact. I'd always struggled with it before. Now it's even harder because I always felt like he only wanted eye contact so I'd see that frightening look in his eye and be afraid.
not long ago the narc around me said "ill gouge your eyes out" another regular breakfast time with the mother. She is full of it and an emotional train wrack in every way.
Narcissists have comorb OCPD, so keeping things clean is their way of feeling in control. They often criticize their victims how they keep things messy and use that to degrade their victims.
Mine would never help me clean my own place when he lived here.. and anytime I did clean, he would make a mess all over it..then blame me and tell me “how messy my house was”
That’s true if you’re living with them or close to them or around them. I purposely moved far enough away from my mother, so that I could cut ties that she insisted on keeping after I moved out in her town. I was so happy to get away. in 10 years I live there she only came to my house one time and it was with her friend, who didn’t understand NPD and thought she was the smartest woman in the world. She was super codependent, so she wanted to come and see me, like a normal person., and she wanted her friend to think that she was supportive,. But they never were. She never came to my house again thank God..
Thank you. I have all but 2 of these. I would add "Being unable to believe that anyone would care about you (or they won't unless they get something out of it)."
Always a hook…my 83 y o mother uses money from dead husbands.I needed $ for shoulder surgery…but to get it I have to shop with her, go out to eat with her, listen on the phone while she repeats fake conversations…my shoulder is still hurting. I can’t be fake, it so reminds me of everything about her. My horror is she has taken my daughter and 3 grandchildren away and I don’t know what lie she used but she might as well kill me bc I feel dead. I’m sorry so many of you know exactly what I’ve been through, 62 years of it.
I feel deeply uncomfortable after the first few dates. I notice everytime they don't listen to me, everytime i speak it feels like they have no interest in listening me. It's been lonely!! I doubt every other human being. Crazy as it is, the only person who wouldn't trigger me is actually the narcissist. In the end he because the only person I felt knew me. The only one. Our relationship turned to friendship. I understood he was narcissist, and learnt so much about it, to understand what and how to deal with this person that he because someone I wanted to talk to daily. How strange is that? Other relationships with family and friends, drain me to the point of loosing who I feel I am. The narcissist my best friend, brings me back to myself, a strong self. It's backwards now 😢
Very true. I’m just trying to get out of a relationship where everything was my fault and he basically could do no wrong. Now that other guys seem interested I don’t even remember how to date
I always say my superpower is to be invisible. When I first met my husband he could not believe how quiet I was. Always wondering if I was ok… yes I was. But I am to this day still very quiet and not showing emotions. Even when super stressed at some point ( during Covid super noisy neighbours upstairs 24/7) the only result was increase of my blood pressure. My husband was surprises at how I did not show any stress.
I am 50 and just two years ago went no contact with family. I finally realized after 20 years of trying to build a better relationship with them, they would never change their narcissistic ways. It gets lonely at times, but so peaceful now. I appreciate all the comments and this video. It’s a life-long recovery effort.
I'm a victim of my dad's narcissistic behavior. I grew up in a military home, and thought this was the way everyone lived. Not until I was an adult did I watch a video of narcissistic behavior. I totally EXPLODED!! This happened a few years ago, and I've never gotten over the impact it had on me!!! I'm now a senior citizen, and STILL can't be emotionally or physically close to most people. My dad (may he rot in HELL!!) did a good job of squashing my ability to love anyone, including my sweet little dog. If you're controlled by a narcissistic parent, stand up to him/her and totally reclaim your independence!!! These people will strip you of your independence if you don't stand up and say, NO!!! I know!!!
I moved out of my parents house this year so I already stood up to them, but I feel you on your ability to love being squashed. I literally have a fear of intimacy now because I never grew up on love and only hate and anger. I can't love people because I don't know how to and if they love me, I'm deathly afraid.
Hello! Raised by narc mom. Senior now too. Growing up I also thought that every parent was sweet in public and evil behind closed doors. After a while I just thought she was a freak of nature and recently found out there was a name for it... narcissism! I don't know why but I've been angrier ever since. My attachments to people only go so far and then there is a wall. She saw to it that my entire network of relatives believes all kinds of crap about me. My daughter has no contact with people from her dad's side (messed up family) and no relationship with any extended family from my side ( I am the bad daughter who doesn't appreciate the sweet, wonderful, caring mother that I have).
I’m so sorry you went through this. Both my parents were narcissists, my mother being the “ring leader”. These people don’t deserve to have children. Now middle aged, I still find it so difficult to connect with people and make friends to this day. Therapy helps, but it’s a long long journey to recovery.
Lol! Maybe he's rotting in hell with my dad, The Pilot. Sit down, shut up, and listen, because he's right and everyone else is wrong. 64 y/o, I surround myself with animals, not people.
Some times it feels like no one thinks you are truly abused unless it's physical. It's been 5 years since my mother passed away and her abuse is still ruling my life. It changed me so much I don't even know who I am. I have nightmares and uncontrolled mood swings, terrible anxiety... And all from words used just right. Manipulation is very destructive.
I have been openly derided by victims of physical abuse. I've also heard it said that in some ways, physical abuse is "easier," in that you can hit back. Even if it's a really bad idea, you can do it. It might even feel good. Whereas, what are you going to do to a narcissist? Turn their narcissism back on them? The best you can do is escape with all your damage to deal with. Preferably alone, so nobody invalidates you. What a nightmare.
I think for me it would gave been easier if he had hit me. Because I would have hit him back. I did hit back in a previous relationship. Because then you know where you stand. I do and don't hate my partner of 35 years because I know he was probably made what he was, but I didn't deserve it. What I hate the most is that I cannot no longer trust my own judgement.
Please listening to self love subliminal while drinking water -it contains/carries memory- every day twice a day at least. You'll begin to feel the invaluable results within months ❤
@pablosmoglives sexual abuse by a guy a full blown NPD and then a highly narcissistic guy has been the worst for me. I just have no trust left for physical intimacy and I loathe hook up culture so I'm staying celibate and raising healthy happy relaxed intelligent toddlers n have been , alone, because I'm the scapegoat child and I'll break the cycle of abuse with my kids. ❤
I really identified with stumbling over words. My father was the narc, but was really intelligent in how he did it. The second you pushed back on something he gaslit you. Enough gaslighting growing up, and when you try to tell the story you are haunted by how inadequate your story is, how probably not believable it is. Even though you're living the pain and confusion every minute, the words just don't come easily to describe it
I had a super intelligent narcissistic dad, too. To this day, I’m extremely uncomfortable having a debate with people about topics that I’m not an expert on. When someone who knows more about a subject than I do challenges my opinions, I can’t continue the conversation because it’s so humiliating to realize that I’m inferior at arguing my position. This was how my dad established and defended his dominance: by winning arguments. But as a kid, I didn’t realize that he simply had better skills at arguing for his position in a debate than I did. I just felt stupid.
The alone time for me is such a blessing! I love to go eat alone, take drives alone, I don’t have to walk on eggshells, I no longer have to worry about putting the gallon of milk in the fridge a certain way, having more than 1 jar of mayo in the pantry, I’m learning how yo accept compliments, learning not to take the blame for everything, etc. wow!! It was so exhausting!!! Always in that fight or flight mode! I’m learning how to enjoy the peace!! Wishing everyone the same!
My evil mother had me falsely imprisoned for " injury to the elderly with intent to do bodily harm", a disgusting charge. I can't even get housing because of my charge. Oh yeah, she called the police and told them I had assaulted her, and that her age spots were the bruises. Mom being in law enforcement herself, I didn't even have an opportunity to speak
@@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529yup my ex narc wanted the milk handle to be on the right side and label facing forward along with everything else had to be in a certain order, folding things a certain way! Just crazy!
I always apologize for simple things, like brushing by someone. I am familiar with many of these traits, having married a narcissist. The gaslighting is very slow to notice at first, but the narcissist increases the abuse as time goes on. Until it finally becomes intolerable or they break you completely. Shortly before our divorce I asked him “you’re trying to destroy me, aren’t you”. I’ll never forget the look of rage on his face when he replied “yes”.
At least he was honest about it. My partner would just lie and have some sly remark that would make him seem harmless...just so he can keep doing it as long as possible.
Mine told me, "I thought I could change you," I told him, "Only God can change someone, and you're not God." I immediately moved out...and never regretted leaving.
This is so accurate. My mother, husband, brother, as well as the second husband were all narcissists. The first husband almost killed me and now, after a lifetime of narcissistic abuse, I can’t trust anyone. Certainly don’t enjoy compliments , really don’t like to stand out, and have often been told by people to stop apologising.
Sadly each and every word applies to my life with a covert narcissist husband. I have learned how to self sooth myself through positive affirmations and make eye contact with others again. God bless others who are suffering as well. I am praying for healing for all of us.
I'm sending you love ❤ I'm proud of you. It's not a small thing to realize the situation you are in, and it's amazing that you have been learning how to help yourself cope, those are really big steps and they shouldn't be made into less (not saying you were). I hope that you find the peace and safety that you deserve, I hope that you are able to heal. I wish you the very best
Thank,I'm suffering so much,he took my confidence self esteem,he literally called me every racist things even racist things why he can't help me raise our kid, he sabotaged my birth control that's how I ended up pregnant,and all the names, being told I was fat while pregnant,I don't listen , but then the compliments I wouldn't have gotten back with you if you didn't look good,but then more tearing down, and ignoring me,his daughter, only being nice when. He wants me to cook or have sex,then more talking down on me screaming insults so everyone can hear , saying I never listen ,when I first met him I thought he was the one person who loved me , because my mom has narc traits and is emotionally unavailable and I was mentally abused by a lot of people I loved and abused in other forms ,so I really depended on him and it breaks me knowing I still don't have the one person I thought cared,Im not doing well and I'm in so much pain,I can't stop crying and replaying the moments over and ober again ,i thought by now id be free in life ive. Been suffering too much in life I'm 24 btw . I just needed to vent
@@ninam500 My heart is with you. I am sending you love. I hope you and your daughter are safe. Know that there are resources out there to support you. Know that you are not alone. One step at a time. One day at a time. Please be gentle with yourself. Please. You matter. I'm sorry I don't have more or better words. Know that my heart is with you. I have faith in you.
@@ninam500 Sweetie, NEVER allow anyone to treat you like dirt!!!!! You deserve LOVE & RESPECT and to be treated very well by people. Please don't ever ever accept less than that! If a guy doesn't treat you very well, give him his Walking Papers!!!!! God bless and protect you and I pray He leads you to a good person.
The abuse suffered from a narcissist will break you. I have totally shut myself off from everyone, i got 1 friend. I go nowhere do nothing but sit at home, i dont socialize cuz im broken, odd, no longer normal. I have no self esteem or self love. No love at all, i dont give it dont want it. I cant even ask him a question without be belittled or him thinking im attacking him. And God forbid.... i never speak my mind!! If you relate..... RUN FOR SANITY ( LIFE ) !!!!!!!!
Literally sounds like me 😅 You can do it 💪🏾💪🏾💪🏾 Been in this almost 4years, Managed to overcome love to hate. He is narc everything what you knew or know about him is fasade.. Just a big fat lie.. Its nothing wrong with you, you actually gain skills what can help you in future, like scanning people in second. Believe in yourself, love yourself, be yourself and right people will come around 🙏🏾💚 You are important, and you have value. Like I say, I am old me, damaged, but surviving and survive. I got 2 friends recently what is a bless and gives more power to achieve my bubbly personality.
Damn...I got out of an abusive Narcissitic relationship and I never felt like my feet ever hit the ground, like i was always on a roller coaster of emotions. I had no one to talk to, then I started watching these videos and others and I started to understand what was happening and I felt so much better. Knowing there was a name to what I was going thru gave me so much courage. I still look over my shoulder but I'm ok now. I really am ok now.
That's good if no one has told you I'm proud of you for making it out. Don't give in. They want you to give up and they want to win so moving on is the best way to disregard that and them.
i hate compliments because i inmediatly think "what does this person want from me?". I'm very distrustful of people thanks to my narcissist dad, specially of men.
@yellowpillNP This, I have such a hard time believing it. Too often in dating it feels like it could just be someone laying it on thick in an attempt to hook up or sometning.
Yes, and I know how you feel because I have too for years. But slowly over time it gets better and better....as long as you have gone no contact with abusers and keep it that way.
They have to have a captive audience. They will wait until you are captive to pull their crap and leave you stranded. OMG that's why they hate the big bag of everything you carry, which makes you self-sufficient in any scenario.
Currently visiting family and realizing the root of the problems : My grandmother. She shoots down everything people say and acts like they’re just silly fools. Rolls her eyes and acts like everything my grandpa does / says is stupid / annoying, forces ideas on ppl even when they’ve made it CLEAR they disagree, manipulates you if you don’t agree with her by acting like you’re being disrespectful and hateful just because you don’t like the same color decorations or cake as her (even if you keep it to yourself, but just don’t act ecstatic when she shoves them in your face), etc. Then, when you finally say “Why do you have to say it like that?” She tells you to SHUT UP or you won’t be a part of her life soon. Then pretends to be super fake sweet to everyone all of a sudden to convince herself she’s not a wretch. She also LOVES playing the victim and acting sick. My family raised me calling everybody else fake / manipulative / evil, but upon moving out into the real world, I started to see they were the worst of the worst of those things, and even moreso since they did it with a smile on their faces when it started to show. Along with dirty secrets I’ll leave out. I’m sorry that I seem unappreciative of them on here for letting me stay while in town, but I can not WAIT to go home. Gotta grin and bare it while I’m on my way out the door without saying what I truly think. Sad thing is, my moms not much better after being raised by her. She’s just more harsh / outright about it, telling me to get over it while complaining about the same things my entire life. Ready to block my entire family and pretend I never had one / start fresh. 🤗🤷🏽♀️✌🏽
You have practically described my sister. She hasn’t threatened me not to be part of her life, actually the exact opposite. My sister, when ramping up for another ‘attack’, talks with a little girl voice. There are ‘tells’ when they are heading for the next attack. I don’t trust her ‘niceness’ or helpfulness any more. Trust is long gone, if ever there was any there. She told me she hated my husband about a month after he died, abused me one day for standing up to her by saying no, enough is enough. Only thing that shut her up was telling her our parents would be totally disgusted with her behaviour. I hate the narcissist’s ‘you are passive/aggressive’ insult when all you are doing is protecting yourself. The saying ‘silence is golden’ is a good behaviour I found. I was told growing up to talk up, then when I started talking up was told to shut up. I am now beginning to not talk up, reverting to my childhood pattern now that I have begun to understand it.
I’m not sure if this would apply but my grandma used to be scary until I was in my 20’s. She’d freak out on ppl (usually over something small) and these two things would stop it; - I’d keep a blank face and calmly tell her it’s not that big of a deal or - if I could I’d make friendly jokes about everything, not mean, just enough to make it seem like the negative stuff is not even effecting me.
@@robyndickson1289 I feel you. I was ALWAYS in trouble for speaking up, but when I look back, just about everything I said turned out to be true. One irrelevant but hefty example was when my extremely patriotic family told me how 9 / 11 happened and at 11 years old I said… “How is that even possible… it fell from bottom to top after just being hit on a small percentage of the top…” I was disloyal to my country and the ppl like my grandpa who fought in wars, and blasphemous lol. But nowadays they just tell me not to talk about things when they know they can’t refute them, such as moral discrepancies. I’m sooo thankful I moved out as SOON as I turned 18. And my grandma talks in a La dee da television perfect grandma voice like she’s so sweet and caring, but says ugly, hateful things while doing it. It’s insane, so I understand you on that part.
@@Jamieaaronball03 That’s what I did when she said the “…Or stop being a part of my life” thing during this trip. I just said ok. 😏😐 And stood where I was at the table, staring at her. 😂 I could tell it was throwing her off too. I also kept making fun of her in little indirect ways the whole time when she’d say something bitchy so everyone knew what I meant but couldn’t necessarily pinpoint it. 😜
My girlfriend was in a very abusive marriage a long time ago this video help me understand some of her actions all I feel I can do is just love her and support her love you Kasey!
The cleaning thing is a habit not necessarily for control bc some of us were punished if it wasn't and you had to always be busy or be in trouble. So it away to avoid punishment.
For me it is control, I cant think or move on with what I have to do if I'm surrounded in disorganization. If I'm already like that mentally I can't see it visually
Door lock. Phone on silent , any visitors must let me know in advance including my adult kids or any of my very very few friends . I can drop you like a stone if I suspect any judging of me , or scace/trigger me. Basically I'm a wreck but happy in my own company, never get lonely tho do get bored . Can read a room the moment I enter, I feel the negative energy as well as good energy. I feel fragile but I'm alive. Leave me among animals then I'm at peace . They are the only truth left to me personally. I trust them but doubt il trust a human completely
I'm stunned. I thought I would tick a box or two, maybe three. But no...every single one...each and every thing you mentioned I go through or do, every day. I even apologize to my dog. It took me years be able to accept a compliment. It's as if you saw my file. This is amazing...and kinda sad. 🙁
I felt the same way about the video. I even felt anxious, tense, palms sweating, and hyperventilating when they talked about the “proving a point” number.
😂 you even apologize to your dog made me lough becouse i do the same 🤣,i now know that my dog is a narcisist 😂,becouse She Always tries to make me feel guilty if i don't give all my attention to her ....oh what a world...😅
My mother was what I call a Mega Narcissist. I was diagnosed with ADD before elementary school and I was constantly put down for ideas that I had or things I wanted to say. She was always angry and I was constantly scared. She always had to be right and get her point across and she even pushed away certain friends and her own sister for years because of it. To this day I'm still trying to get over certain things.
ADHD runs in fams. My mother had both and it made the narc traits worse because of the emotional dysregulation and chaos ADHD added to the mix. Maybe the same for you?
Actually I am adopted. From what she's told me, grandma treated her like shit even though she was the one who took care of her and my aunt did nothing for her, but got all the praise. It's really damn strange how that works.
I recognise 9 of these habits in myself. I’m 65 years old, but still suffer from being the target of put downs from my elder siblings. I am the youngest of eight children. I had nowhere to go when being picked upon. They were worst when they were in a group. I still have no self confidence and low self esteem.
At 57 yrs old, I'm just seeing my mom for the abuser she's always been. I'm realizing that she will never take responsibility for herself and she will never change. I am damaged and in much pain.
I am 61 years old a female a disabled veteran I have a morgellons disease and my mother is a dark triad but looking narcissist who's with sadism just found out two years ago at 59 that my mother was was this evil entity that is not even human and I was told that she's never loved me never has loved me and so of course my whole world has been ripped away from me but the biggest and hardest things to do with is the grief and the betrayal
51 and estranged from my mother and father because of their narcissism. My father is critical and controlling, my mother is emotionally codependent on me. No more!
65 here. Finally saw it/remembered 19 months ago. She tried to kill me around 20 times I think but couldn’t make it look enough like an accident or chickened out. Spewed hate openly at me til I was 5 or 6, then started faking that she loved me, but still poisoned me regularly. She tried to defraud me and I woke up. Now she’ll never see or hear from me again.
As far as overcleaning goes, I have the opposite problem: If everything is cluttered, it makes it harder for my narcissist to pick through my things when I'm not there and gives them away as gifts to other people. Even though I haven't lived with this person for a long time, I find it hard to let go of the false sense of security that the clutter provides. At the same time, it drives me bonkers, especially when I'm looking for something!
I thought I was the only one! I mean I usually joke that it would be hard for someone to steal things in my clutter, but I didn't realize how true that felt until I saw your comment. It also drives me crazy at the same time and makes me feel trapped. I will go through phases and do something crazy like clean all the floorboards, but my house is usually cluttered and disorganized. Seeing that someone else does this makes me feel a little less lonely. Thank you for sharing, truly.
Thank you For this comment. At least I’m not alone in this. I was wondering. I show all the signs except the over cleaning. I’m the opposite as well. My narcissist used cleaning as a punishment. I would do the dishes and if I didn’t do it exactly as she wished she would take every dish in the house out of cupboards and drawers and make me walk them all. Not just the dirty dish…and not just the one I messed up. Now, I tend to use disorganization to my own benefit. Things may look like they’re in disarray, but I know exactly where everything is and that’s important to me.
Same here. The more clutter there is, the less inclined my narcissist is to walk into my "safe space" and berate and question everything that makes me happy.
The only experts are the survivors of narcissistic abuse and to refer to them or to their behaviours as weird, is abusive. Learn how to respect people who have survived abuse.
Youre absolutely right. This video makes the victim seem like the abuser. This video is gaslighting at its best. Even the tone of voice is condescending as it talks about "its like a little ritual they do to calm.thier mind"... This video is made by an abuser. Abusers and Narcs can make yoi tube videos too. They own most of the social media world. Unfortunately.
There are really only two types of narcissist the overt and the covert y’all need to be careful because living life too sensitive constantly being a victim is also a form of narcissism it’s called covert narcissism for a reason because that person is always a victim to be honest with you That is what y’all sound like please do not be another sissy victim covert, narcissist I deal with them all the time it is incredibly annoying. They live with a false humility and can never admit to being wrong because they are always a victim that being said the most ironic thing about this is that a victim of a narcissist actually becomes the other kind of narcissist because the narcissist was so powerful in their life. It’s almost as if they absorb that power and tried to live their life using it to their advantage because of how bad it hurt them. It is a sick twisted circle, the only way is a straight line. Follow Jesus Christ.
Sometimes I "wander the windows", just go from window to window, and stare out windows watching and waiting for the narc to turn up. He's been dead 8 years.
You are normal for this kind of abuse, because unfortunately they are still in our heads, and if they hurt our children or anyone else close to us, we know that their pain is still present in their minds as well.
The last sentence went through me. I felt that. The crippling fear. Surround yourself with good hearted people who love you and support you. When I feel afraid I say out loud "you are safe" I say it over and over and it helps ease the anxiety a little bit. ❤
I am so sorry! I do this as well.. I think I’m actually terrified .. ever sound I hear and I also see him out if the corner of my eye sometimes in the house or the car and I nearly die .. it scares me so bad.. I actually let out an audible sound of fear!! Then I have to try to calm down and sometimes it sends me into a panic attack .. I’ve only known abuse of every kind I’m sad!
And additionally overwhelming to begin to think about confronting them with it. What made them this way? I feel bad for them. No one wants to interact with them and they’ll go to their grave thinking everyone is an Ahole. But not them
I was with the ex for 9 years and this list is ringing a lot of bells for me, especially the eating and travelling alone part. He used to food shame me and weigh me if he thought I'd gained weight, even though I was really petite, so now even a decade later I prefer not to eat around a lot of people, as I feel like I'm being watched. Travelling alone- I love travelling alone I feel independent and free, if I buy clothes they no longer need to be approved of 🎉🎉
Weighing you? Approving of clothes? Tell them to go kick rocks!!!!!!! That is a hard-core CONTROL FREAK! You deserve to be treated very well, not like that!!! God bless and protect you.
If only we could show our abusers this and they would acknowledge we display all of these behaviors. Sadly, even if they manage to sit through the entire video they will still find a way to dismiss it.
It's the closure that is denied that makes it so hard for many to process. When somebody dies we have ceremonies and rituals to help us grieve. It's worth considering creating some type of ritual/ceremony/event for ourselves to grieve what we have lost to those who have abused or neglected us.
From the time I was 16 and had a car and some spending money until I got married I always preferred eating in restaurants alone. I remember being shocked when I heard that some people would never consider eating out alone. I enjoyed the peace and freedom to order whatever I wanted. Nice, quiet, “me” time.
I assume that dinnertime at home was "pure hell"?? My narc. father would at times complain because "dinner was not yet ready" & my mother was a good cook & house-keeper, yet he treated her like dirt!!
Mhmmm. Especially Empaths. Narcissists love to be our energy vampires. They are incapable of feeling anything for anyone other than themselves so they mirror our behavior to hone their manipulation skills. And when they are bored or not getting attention, they will trigger you to feed off your negative energy. And they always respond all calm and collected.. because triggering weak spots, gaslighting, reflecting.. are normal behaviors for them. They also need to feed their superiority complex so they translate their complete lack of having a soul to believing they have superior communication skills and emotional control. My narcissist's favorite thing to do would be to trigger me right before bed by making some completely messed up comment he knew would get me worked up and the gears spinning in my head. Then fall asleep in less than a minute immediatly after knowing I'd be up most of the night stuck trying to resolve it and come to some sort of resolution on my own. Kept me tired and weak on purpose to keep me vulnerable.
@@jojodyan it's not so much that we can avoid attracting evil people as it is about setting strong personal boundaries for ourselves regardless of who comes into our lives. With strong boundaries in place evil will search for easier prey that requires less effort to gaslight and manipulate.
You are a beacon until you learn to honor yourself, know you are enough, that you are in charge of your life and happiness, and not allow any kind of abuse by setting firm boundaries.
Yes to all of that. But I have noticed a couple others for me: I can’t express joy. If I express joy it’s an opportunity to get knocked down. Also, I don’t handle birthdays well. Mine was often treated poorly or as if I inconvenienced someone. I rarely get through a birthday without great hurt and disappointment. I’m in my 60s now and I would still prefer to spend my birthday in my closet. This spills over to Mother’s Day and Christmas as well. No one really knows or understands why these days are so hard for me.
Growing up with a narcissist father, I could do nothing right. As an adult, I always strove for perfection, afraid to say or do something wrong. I didn't take criticism well and people considered me a perfectionist though they didn't understand I felt inside like a complete failure. I married twice, both narcissists, the latter one being more cruel and abusive. I now stay to myself as protection.
Ahhh, the perfectionism and feeling like a failure trap. I grew up with this and still deal with it. I was trotted out as the perfect daughter by my father and even my mom at times. Yet, behind closed doors I was never good enough. I became an approval junkie who felt like a failure at every turn. Every time I got praise from a teacher, coach or my boss and eventually clients I brushed it off because I am always waiting for the part when they tell me I am not good enough and I have failed them. I have made strides and I am a recovering approval junkie. I did not know what a narcissist was until 16 years ago and I certainly did not know my dad is a classic narcissist until 16 years ago when I went to therapy. I have a lot of recovery and healing to do but, I am determined and thankfully, I have a wonderful, supportive husband. With the help of therapy, my husband and The Lord...The cycle has been broken and is not passed onto our children.
I'm afraid there are no non-narc men left, that's how many of them I've encountered! - father, ex husband, a cousin, a bunch of ex boyfriends and the current father of my children. Do kind gentleman even exist anymore?
@@curiousjojo4life I'm happy to hear good men still exist! I'm so glad you found one! Praying the Lord brings me one too. I think I need a humble man of God. A man like that must know how to treat a woman!
@@danielledegeorge2129 I will add you in my prayers and pray that the Lord prepares you so, that you are able to discern when the Lord has sent you the husband He has prepared for you. 💕
And now I suddenly understand why I'm so socially awkward. I've known/come to see, for a couple of years now, that my mom is a narcissist, meeting the criteria for NPD. I hadn't yet made the connection that my social anxiety is probably due to the abuse I've endured. It suddenly dawned on me when watching this video! When I'm talking to someone, I don't look at them, and I constantly deal with paranoia that I'll say or do something stupid, or that I'm being annoying, especially if I'm in a group setting. If I talk around new people, it's easy to stumble over my words and go blank. So, I usually end up seemingly very quiet and aloof because I don't want to embarrass myself.
Within 8 months of getting married to my 1st husband, I went from a confident, happy, well spoken person to someone who couldn't even order my own food. I started stuttering and he was so entertained by it. If I got tears in my eyes he would yell and scream at me all the way home and slam doors and then leaves. Not to mention the names and mean accusations that would be said to humiliate me even more. I felt so confused and tried so hard to please him. I went from 122 to 109 within 4 months, starting month 8. He also took food away from me and called me fat. I started shaking when he was coming home. He refused to take the key to the house with him when he would go out at night (5-6 night/wk), and told me he would kick the door in if I didn't answer it within two knocks. Our son woke up every morning at 7am no matter what. So having to stay up until 2 or 3, not knowing when he was coming back meant I got 3-4 hours of sleep and then stayed up with our son all day. I got so sick. I still shake when I remember that life. Even now, 30 years later, if I hear someone walking into the room I'm in, and I am reading a book, I automatically hide it so I don't get in trouble for reading. And yes, I would rather not be in a relationship. But I keep ending up in relationships where I am financially unable to leave and am made to feel like I owe them. So obviously I am still blind at the beginning and don't see the signs before it is too late to run.
What a cruel person he sounds like!! Well, a few things to beware of when you start dating someone are 1) Love-Bombing, which is anyone who pours on the charm, compliments, gives expensive presents inappropriately in the beginning of the relationship. They are trying to suck you in if they do it excessively!! Don't fall for it! 2) They want to try to ISOLATE you from your friends & family, big warning sign! 3) They want to call/text you/see you CONSTANTLY, another big warning sign & they want to "get serious" waaay too soon, talking of marriage, etc.; 4) RIDICULOUSLY JEALOUS of anyone who pays any attention to you. Yes, most people will get jealous in a relationship but the Narc gets INSANELY JEALOUS! Look for the BEGINNING signs of abuse when you first start going out with them, i.e., subtle put-downs and negative remarks about you (said in a mean way!). DO NOT PUT UP WITH DISRESPECT FROM PEOPLE, PERIOD!!!! It will only lead to worse and worse abuse because that's how they start off, disrespecting you more and more. Please beware! Lies...gaslighting, many other signs. Stay alert & aware for the signs, don't be fooled by sweet talk, etc. NEVER let anyone TREAT YOU LIKE DIRT!! You deserve to be treated with RESPECT! If they don't respect you, I'd cut them loose! Please look at some videos here on TH-cam from some psychiatrists who know their stuff and they'll tell you more. God bless and PROTECT YOU!!
I know what you mean about hiding your book when someone comes in. Or feeling like you've got to pack away whatever you were doing, in time to be poised for their entrance, so that whatever happens next can be all about them. My sister and I are both like this, even now, despite her being happily married for 45 years, and me for 23 years. Both our parents did this to us in their different ways: Mum could be quite terrifying if she caught us relaxing or playing instead of "pulling our weight", while Dad would burst in like a whirlwind with a plan of some sort, and whisk us away from what what we were doing, without even noticing that we were already contentedly occupied; then he would give us barely any time to get ready for whatever it was he had planned. So between the two of them, it was very hard to relax and commit to doing anything for yourself. I couldn't imagine learning to paint or sew, or getting into anything that would take longer than 5 seconds to put away like I'd never been doing it. Perhaps this is why I love reading so much (although I didn't own a book until I was about 8); it's the most discreet and tidy of all hobbies!
There are two types of children that come out of narcissistic abuse. The compliant kid or the rebellious kid. I was the rebellious kid. I did everything I could to develop a strong sense of self-assurance. Complements make me uncomfortable, but I smile and say thank you. I don’t apologize unless what I did was morally wrong, because I don’t want to live in someone else’s subjective reality… but eye contact… I just can’t force myself on that one… it is so uncomfortable. I absolutely hate awkward eye contact. 😣
l was compliant because l needed to survive there was where else to go. l was bidding my time. l became rebellious after moving away from home and this unleashed the narc rage.
@@thislittleweirdgirl332 Thank you. I moved overseas hence the rebellion so that narc rage could no longer control me. The programming was no longer working.
I can become either. I was completely compliant as a kid, saw behind the curtain became rebellious. Then as an adult became compliant again. Once I’m sort of brought to my senses, I’m rebellious again but in a childish way. I hate it.
This is so true. I’m 50 years old, my high school sweetheart and I just got back together. This has come after 11 years of us talking and helping each other. She just got out of a very very bad marriage. Though we’ve been living together for a year now, I still see all the signs of the abuse she suffered. I know she needs time and I will give her all the time she needs. We have the rest of our lives to get through this together.
My mother passed away very recently and I feel nothing but relief. Since I was 12, when my dad left her, she verbally and mentally abused me for the rest of her life. I tried to be her friend for so long, wanting, needing her love but she never gave it. Just because I look exactly like my dad. I grew up with a hateful mother and an absent father. I've been dealing with mental health issues for my whole life, and getting nowhere.
When someone is nice to me, i become very emotional and I start thanking that person for everything, and I know it’s annoying, but I can’t stop. I realized that I’ve never been treated good so that’s why I react that way.
When my daughter’s father in law held the door for me and helped me with my coat, I had tears in my eyes. I wanted to cry so bad, but I didn’t. I thank him, he could see my tears. My ex never treated me like that, I was always following him out carrying babies, diaper bags, etc. People think it strange that I say “ thank you “ so often. I am grateful for any kindness a person shows towards me. I still don’t trust many people, I try to remain myself some people are thoughtful and kind. I keep my guard up at all times. 8:57 I feel my ex was slowly k… me, if he did, he would have been the poor widow, not the monster he really was. I pray for all those who have and currently are suffering at the hands of these people. I will let God judge them.
@@theodorawohler2213 Oh I understand you perfectly! I wish we lived in a better world. I was cleaning the yard from leaves and my father in law told me to go inside, so I won’t get cold, so I started crying. I just hate that we have to deal with so many a$$holes these days and we don’t get treated nicely.
Double checking doors is not just about safety. It can also have to do with the fact that the narc might either blame the victim for HIM leaving the door unlocked, or blame the victim if the house house got robbed because the victim didn't double check the door to make sure it was locked because HE left it unlocked when HE was drunk. And those consequences of not picking up his pieces were high.
YES!!! Mine did this all the time. He'd tell me already locked up, and get mad at me and start yelling if I checked behind him. So I would wait until he went to bed and then go double check all the doors and windows. I still do this every night. I double check myself...
My narc. father was always screaming on "keeping it clean" & he always rubbed it in our faces about being in the military service!! If he saw one cup on the kitchen counter, he went berserk in anger over it & my poor mother was cleaning "all the time" & was lost in her little cleaning world!! She became a l.p.n. nurse but quit after just 3 years in that field & she struggled in school but made it but quit just 3 years later & she also quit driving a car at age 50 after driving 25 plus years!!
@@RonSafreed OMG. My father always bragged about his military service too and demanded the kids keep everything clean all the time rather than be kids. If we didn't then corporal punishment would ensue. This would result in my mom feeling uncomfortable to leave the house out of fear the kids would get blamed and abused and so she CONSTANTLY cleaned all the time to protect us six kids. It made her feel so trapped, miserable, and hyper vigilant. She couldn't get away from him because her nearest family lived 5 states away. We lived in a chronic nightmare.
@@dawn7733, I feel my father when they were alone without us kids around, told her all she needed to do was clean & keep house, cook meals & watch us kids!! Narcissistic spouses hate if the other one works & I feel my father hated my mother going to nursing school & then working in the field!! Also abusive spouses & parents want the family isolated for both sides of the family as well as other friends!! I noticed as I got older, the friends my parents had, they just quit coming around & even communicating say on the phone!! This bothered me As a older kid & teenage youth!! But narcissists will end up with no friends or family later in life!!
@@RonSafreed Your spot on with the fact that narcissists like to isolate their victims from their families and the outside world in order to maintain abusive control of them. Isolating their victims makes it easy to gaslight, brainwash, & trauma-bond them into staying and putting up with the abuse. The narcs also don't like their victims to be independent nor self sufficient out of fear of losing control. It's always about control with them.
Amazing how almost every behavior listed describes me so accurately. I am constantly apologizing, even when I've done nothing wrong. I'll apologize when the other person is wrong. I apologize so often, I'll say *sorry" to a wall or a door for bumping into it or an inatamate object for dropping it. I absolutely cannot take a complement. Cleaning is one of my favorite activities. I could go on. Thank you for sharing this vital information.
Saying thank you repeatedly when a friend does you a favour, unable to believe they would do this for you without wanting to treat you like you are demanding too much of them
The stuttering might be fear of being gaslighted. Abuse is a lot about not being believed when you seek help. How accurate can you tell your story before the listener bails out like "Nah, that doesn't sound believable".
For me it was 3 words. I could start a sentence, but I would never get more than 3 words out before getting cut off and soon after having to apologize for something. I still struggle with that sometimes, especially when the dialogue gets a bit tense. My wife (now) often tells me I apologize too much. I don't think anyone who has lived with a real narc for long enough will ever really get over all the symptoms. I'm sooooo much better now than I was before I left, but there's still a little PTSD left, and some of the symptoms listed in the video that will probably never really heal.
@@arielsorensen9192 I'm not stuttering, but when I get too excited I start talking to people but after a few words remember that nobody cares about what I want to say.
"....might be the fear of being gaslighted.." So true, for me, I grew up needing to speak a certain way in order to not be gaslighted. My stuttering was due to me finding the right words in that moment because any/everything I said could be used against me. Even in my adult life, for example. I had to say, "for any children you may have", even though the woman I'm speaking to has only one child. This narc mom would have reacted as if I was victimizing her child if I were specific and simply said, "your daughter". So, "your daughter" becomes "any children you may have"
I grew up with a narcissistic father, and later, I married a narcissist. Thankfully, both are long out of my life now. There are some things I didn't realize I did until watching this and thinking back. My current wife was also in a narcissistic relationship. For the first year together the amount of times we would second guess each other, apologize for no reason, and couldn't fully except the others compliments. When my grandfather passed, I was incapable of crying or really showing emotion over it. My now wife said "it's ok to cry, I'm here for you." I told her I wanted to, but I couldn't. That's because of my father, I wasn't able to show emotion. After my ex left, I spent about the first year constantly eating out at full sit-down restaurants and doing things I didn't normally do. Simply because I could without being judged or treated like crap for. Stuttering when remembering and telling someone about a past experience. Many times I would think "why am I stuttering? I don't stutter". This actually makes sense about it now.
We weren't allowed to do much as kids, so the one thing we were beaten for is not cleaning well enough. So both me and my sister have an aversion to cleaning so my response is the opposite - I have to force myself to clean. Everything else is true for me though.
We never were beaten up, but the anger in her face, screaming at us, that we hadn't done a thing and then started to clean all we had already cleaned. Ok, I keep the house clean, but like you, I have to force myself to it. Otoh I have no problems cleaning the horse boxes, I'm the living proof of that meme :)
I tend to not like cleaning either. My room isn't a mess, but I don't keep it as spotless as is desired. Context: I'm disabled and live with manipulative, destructive and narcissistic family. Getting out as soon as I can get a car.
One ex sabotaged any cleaning and homemaking, ripping new cushions or spilling purposefully to stain things so I became too embarrassed to have people visit. But the most chilling ex husband was OCD soap must be white, in a specific brand, labels must be peeled off, bottles must be replaced at a certain level, towels one per use from one basket folded one way then placed in another basket folded another way every time someone washed their hands... I woke one night with his hands on my throat... prayed and fled shortly after! Raised by narcs, targeted too young by a lowlife covert, then out the frying pan in to the fire with an overt "pillar of the community" behind the mask of both is the same demonic, mean, murderous, envious imp that I sadly sought acceptance from. Never again. Truth sets you free 🙏✝️❤️
I grew up with a narcissist. My mother was just...an awful person. Being a constant disappointment and also being bullied both inside the homeby her and outside by kids as school meant there was no escape. It messed me up bad.
My mother didn't do her own bullying, she got my older sister to do it for her. That way she kept her own hands clean and could play the martyred mother really well.
I’ve been going through narcissistic abuse daily. I can’t get out because it has affected my health too much! But yeah this is true. But when you tell someone you are being abused by a narcissist they brush you off and don’t get it, but if you say I’m being beat then they listen. It’s a hard abuse to talk about because others don’t know what it is and don’t believe it can harm you. It can HARM YOU!!!
If the narcissistic abuse has affected your health, it'll only get worse the longer you stay. Like being in a slow crash. I hope you are able to get up the strength to get out.
@@lesliejabine1783 Thank you. It’s to the point it’s soo bad I can’t leave. I pray that I get a miracle and I can get out before he kills me literally! If you only knew the whole truth I would be on the 5:00 news as one of the worst abuse victims ever. No joke.
@@tessamohler3021I got ill and got the chance to get away from the narcissist, I had with me constantly 24 /7 having been almost passing out I needed an ambulance.I was finally able to tell someone what was happening when getting checked over ,my blood pressure must have gone haywire with stress ect ,the trash caused me of faking it months after..
If you can't, the only thing left is to tell Jes-us it is too big for you. Can He please do it for you, before you die from him. I was there too. I'm free.
My mom is a covert narcissist and as I got older she backed down a bit to my face but to all my neighbors she would try to make fun of me or talk crap about me. Thankfully my neighbors know me very well and realize that my mom was the one being weird, so they told her to stop coming over. But I started getting pissed at her and putting my foot down. She always wanted power over me and if I didn’t have my dad in my corner, she would’ve gotten everything of mine and crumbled me. Even something as little as a first car, a $3,000 little bug she absolutely had to have in her own name instead of mine. I thought I was never going to get a car until my dad stepped in and said he’ll be paying for majority of it and if she doesn’t want to spend all her money, the car is to be in my name only so she can’t take it when she gets mad at me. It worked and that was the best feeling ever. These moments kept going even until now 10 years later and I’ve moved two states away 😊 Recovery is possible! We can do it! I still ask my husband what he wants when he’s nice to me (which is all the time) bc I still dont trust the nice things anyone says. I love this man for his understanding ways ❤ and a big thanks to my dad for stepping in when he had to bc that helped my personal growth so much more than I think he’ll ever know. (He’s not my biological dad, he’s my God Father bc my bio dad walked out of my life when I was in elementary school)
I spent years with a narcissist which in turn gave me narcissistic traits. A year out now and im still in pain but my emotions are coming back. All the negatives are becoming positive again. And im shedding those traits and regaining what made me me. Know theres hope know you are special and unique. Dont let them dim your shine.
I’ve seen way too many of these videos or articles that always portray narcissistic abuse in couples primarily, but if not, they often show the man as being the abuser and woman as being the victim. I’m a heterosexual woman in my 50’s. I’m single and I’ve experienced it with men and female relatives or friends. It is OFTEN the case where it’s a man abusing his spouse or coworker but not always. I just wish these video demonstrations would show some cases where it’s the man being abused by the female spouse or his mother or his boss. I think it’s important to balance it out.
as a man i agree with this. most men would not speak out about their abuses because of social norms not excepting men having issues. i have parents both with these issues and it took me til i was in my late 20s to start figuring out where all my issues came from. now i know and im not even sure how to address them because i know it will start a war.
Thank you for this comment! I was about to say the same thing. Narc men are often violent and very obvious in their manipulation but women narcs can be downright super manipulative and equally dangerous.
Thank you for helping those of us who have been fortunate enough to escape. After six years I still struggle to let my heart out and be vulnerable. To the lovers and givers keep being beautiful and take advantage of all those little blessings
This video shed light on so much of who I am and why. My narc abuse has been my whole life. Born 3 months early due 2 abuse. Thank you universe 4 shedding the light so I could see this.
One of the most maddening things about it is that there is no payoff or satisfactory resolution. I've got a certain someone in mind, and my sense of justice wants to tell him off, make him understand what he did to her, and punish him. Possibly make an "impact adjustment" to his head just for good measure. But that never works. They don't get it. They won't get it. They are incapable of taking responsibility. They'll just gaslight, deflect, and use their evil verbal jujitsu to throw you off balance. Because they don't operate within the realm of morality and decency like healthy people do to resolve issues. Your best shot at satisfaction is: 1) Knowing that they're not controlling you anymore, and 2) Knowing that THEY know they're not controlling you anymore.
Very good writing! You could be a professor! Yeah, it is sad because it is difficult to meet non narcissists. I call them know it alls. I covered it in my 2021 book TALKING TO MYSELF by Mike Hayne
I had a friend/ co-worker point #7 out to me, that I am constantly apologizing because of what I’ve been through. He says I don’t have to! I have done most of these. And still do! And I don’t think I ever want to get married again. Or even be in a romantic relationship. I don’t want to be controlled, hurt or taken for granted again! I like being alone. I do have my kids, grandkids and the rest of my family!
It’s funny. Number 6 caught me so off guard I started crying. I was like “IS THAT WHY I DO THAT!?” I knew it had to do something with fear of being misunderstood or wanting to explain in such a way that effectively says “this is why I am the way I am.”
As a woman who had a narcissist mother and have only attracted narcissist men I don't like men complimenting me is because I connect it with love bombing. Love bombing is ALL I've ever known. So with that being said, I wouldn't recognize a healthy man if I saw it. I suffer with complex ptsd and am trying to heal. I'm 60yrs old now and have found a relationship with God and focus on myself. Videos like this and the Bible/prayer are very helpful. I realize I'll probably never fully recover but isolation is a necessity during this time. It's rough being a empath or should I say a narcissist magnet. I will never date again because the peace I have now is wonderful that I don't want to give it up.
Just woke up from a trauma nightmare. It's been years. But it's still haunting me. This time it was because I was reading with the light on, and he wanted to watch a movie in the dark. I'm exhausted. I can't even find rest in my sleep.
Wow, my mother cleaned the house compulsively and, what is more, she used housecleaning as a kind of weapon to abuse my sister and me. She was extremely controlling. Now both my sister and I have a hard time cleaning our houses. And I am extremely independent. I spend a lot of time alone. It does make me feel more in control.
Same with me, my place I admit is a mess with clutter, but when I was a kid my narc father would go ape/bat sheet crazy over one cup on the kitchen counter & would rub it in about cleanliness in the military service!! My mother retreated into a world of just keeping the house clean!! She quit her nursing job of only 3 years & stopped driving a car at age 50 after driving 25 plus years!! She left home one day & for 4 years we did not know where she was!! My narc. father did not care & I was the one to go & put in a missing person's report at the local police station!!
I will give you three more. When sitting in a room, they will pick a spot that allows them full view of exits and entrances. They can need to have a clear escape route. They also need to know who is coming and going. They may change their hair often. Sometimes, it's all they can control. They don't like someone else locking the door.
I have never known a victim of Narc Abuse to be over cleaners. Usually it is the opposite and they tend to hoard stuff, be it animals, clothing or food. Can't imagine why. (Sarcasm)
I'm someone that over cleans and I also struggle with hoarding stuff as I used to feel almost an emotional attachment to my belongings. I used to clean the house for my mum being the oldest of 5 kids, cleaning was the only way I learned that I could get praise. As a kid I performed all types of cleaning behaviours that no normal kid would be thinking about doing in there spare time. I used to go through the food cupboard and throw away expired food. I'd have the house vacuumed and dishes and laundry done because my mum was in a better mood that way and she might even thank me. I used to sweep the bricks outside and hose them down on my own accord so it looked clean only to be scolded by my dad about wasting water. I once started cleaning the bricks at my aunties house because it was dirty and she said to me in a sarcastic way "Chris (her partner) would love you" and at the time that was a big compliment but I think about why she didn't stop me and encouraged me to play but I rarely got a thanks it was only mentioned when it wasn't done. As an adult I do spend a large amount of time cleaning the house and my car as I start getting stressed and depressed if things are dirty. I start feeling like I am ungrateful and causing harm by not doing it
I know a woman who’s controlled by a volatile narcissist and she rarely looks me in the eye when we are speaking. I pointed this out and she looked me straight on and it was unsettling - over the top staring. She doesn’t know how to have a normal conversation, where looking someone in the eyes is a form of normal human connection.
I went through narcissistic abuse for 6 years. I didn’t realize how bad my situation was until I was out. Here are some things I developed and I’m currently in treatment for: 1. Anticipatory Anxiety- I’m unable to trust the future. I have full on panic attacks thinking about it. When I have important events coming up, I often find myself worried sick, ruminating about various outcomes…almost always negative in nature. 2. My OCD became more aggressive. I have struggled with ocd since childhood. In the form of somatic ocd. I had an eating disorder due to the fear of swallowing my food (assuming I’d choke) after the trauma of my abusive marriage, my ocd materialized in many types of ocd. From magical thinking, more aggressive somatic obsessions and intrusive thinking (in the form of suicidal ideation). 3. Timidity and rigidity. I became easily frightened by sudden movements and noises. 4. Overexplaining. A habit I didn’t have before my abuse. I find myself over-explaining myself. Believing that if I don’t, I’ll be criticized unfairly and harshly. 5. Agoraphobia. The first year when I left my abusive marriage, I was unable to go places without feeling an overwhelming sense of unease and panic. I’d be certain that it would end me, if I didn’t hurry back home into my room, in my bed. Leaving the house was terrifying. I still have a long way to go but I’m doing much better now. Stay strong but be kind to yourself everyone.
18 yrs ago I got out of my abusive narc marriage. Went to therapy and was diagnosed the EXACT same things as you with the same description verbatim. 14 yes of shotty therapy from different social workers and Im not much better. as Some of them were abusive as well. Everything sucks. Hope it worked for you.
@@staceyjackson1985 I’m so sorry to hear that and I relate. Some things are much better while others are a constant work in progress. All I can say is that continuously challenging yourself even if it’s small, has been what helps me. Keeping it consistent and making it daily practice to step out of my comfort zone, allows me to gain footing and be confident. You got this. 💝
This really blew my mind, as I certainly can relate and resonates my behaviour after having a narcissistic family member I worked for. After 2 years I still struggle to leave my home and just enjoy my own company. Too scared to let anyone into my safe zone and get anxiety if I have to go out, but can’t be away for a long period (over an hour or so) without needing to get home asap. I just enjoy zoning out sorting my plants, which is my happy place of my mindset. Never again will I allow anyone to treat me ever like this again.
Having myself exposed to danger does not scare me at all anymore. It could be the escape needed for so long. On the otherhand, I still pray for protection. I don't know why.
Because we need protection? I have the same thing going on which you mentioned. I experience a sense of protection even when I don't ask looking back. In the moment "dying scared" and can't or won't pray and feel unprotected. May The Almighty protect us, ameen
I do not fear death I have looked it in the face many times……. These people are so lost. It is sad. But you cannot allow your emotions to weigh you down in that aspect. Pray for them keep moving on.
As a teen, I turned down every guy that asked me out because I thought they were just trying to trick me. I didn't believe that anyone could actually like me. I didn't have my first real BF until I was 22. I had a guy I liked when I was 16 and I thought he liked me too. But he was only using me. So that solidified in my mind that people only want to use me. No one actually liked me.
I hit mine back once and she decided to put me in the hospital...5 yrs after I've gone no contact with her she still constantly finds ways to get in contact with me. It's exhausting. Kinda just waiting on the phone call that she's died so I can live in peace.
The Body Keeps Score. No matter how much the abusers gaslight, lie, deceive, hide, continue their perverse twisted mindset of abusing then victim blaming manipulating anyone they think they can successfully lie to, to continue the abuse, eventually their toxic existence will be exposed. Especially as their rotting interior becomes more decrepit as they age and more difficult to deceive others. As one of my incredible insightful adult children described the abusers I grew up with, "Sucks to be them".
Ty for explaining how deteriorating Narcissistic abuse can be on the person going through the living hell. I was married to Three Narcissists and dated two seriously. Thank God I a sensitive Empath am currently Narc free and through psychological help, massive research and God I at 72 have FINALLY found complete peace within. Crucially, I would have preferred enlightenment years ago, however NOW seeing these sick creatures for what they truly are has given me complete freedom to live a happy life, free from any unhappiness these awful unenlightened nasty types prefer to spread onto genuinely kind and caring people. I am a true believer in reap what you sow. TY for speaking positive and uplifting words!🙏😇🥰
All of these are true. I’ve been free from that relationship for over a decade yet some of these symptoms still show up. I realize it is trauma… I will say this, Jesus has truly set me free from a lot of this trauma and layer by layer healing the deeper trauma. I am so grateful. My incredible husband was so patient with me through the years of me dealing with this trauma. I’m not a victim…I am wiser and not fooled easily…I’d say that what was meant to take me down God used it to serve me well and now I don’t put up with bs. I can spot the behavior a mile away. It’s served me well even in my business dealing with narcissistic behavior. I don’t tolerate it anymore. They don’t get to manipulate me anymore.
I know the feeling…I talk to few people and trust few too. Too many are out for themselves and don’t help others who need it. Not saying people should help everyone who asks, but if you know good and don’t do it, if you’re a Christian it’s sin to you. If you’re not a Christian, it’s why people turn real cold and when the love of man grows cold, the north pole might be a vacation destination, so to speak. Not literally, but love won’t be easily recognizable, sensed, or understood. Words for thought..
I had a pastor for 5 years & he was a narcissist & he abused his loving/beautiful wife & son!! He conditioned his son to be beaten by a belt when he was told the beating was coming & was even done out in the front yard of the house so all the neighbors could see!! This pastor kept other churches from being started because he wanted everyone around to come only to his church!!
The worst part of it is that you have no idea you are walking into a morbid , insidious trap until it's too.late. it's too bad they don't walk around with some type of clue like an internal warning light blinking on and off . Caution !
Yes . They are a menace to society and should be branded for the horrific abuse that a narcissist inflicts Im thinking A tattoo on the end of their nose. Pinocchio... Liar.
that very thing just happened to me the person who called himself a friend always over using the words i love you instead of taking responsibility for his abusive actions i knew it was coming he plays the guilt card with me telling me that i'm the one who always mistreats him , i'm still hoping that he will leave my life on his own asap. cuz like i found out that there is no absolutely no excuse for any form of abuse. and i also realized that when your abuser starts trying to shift the blame from off them and turn it on you the less you react verbally the better but it also reveals their true colours. and you will know that it is you that is doing the more than right thing for you and those who are also sadly affected by this evil that Narcissism truly is. Just kick those people out of your life asap. and thank you again so much for these awesome videos . they sure do help me and give me the courage to stand up again and just say (( No More )) !!!!!!!!
I check my hair before I go downstairs, every time, lest it receive criticism for not being perfect. I am in the habit of not speaking up because I will only be dismissed or criticized.
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You don’t want the compliments not only because you feel you don’t deserve it, but because you have learned that you had better shine less bright than the narcissist or you’ll be punished.
Ain’t that the truth!
In my case it was a vulnerable narc--a screaming four-year-old just under the mask of a pleasant adult. Any hint of self confidence or pride would set it off. I tried the self-help regimen of asserting myself in modest doses. And sure enough, set this person off again. It became clear that the established order of my childhood was not in any way to be disturbed.
You are so right, my narcissistic died 4 years ago, and I still feel like I'm pretending to cover up how I am truly feeling.
Having said that, there is now so much joy in my life.
3 grandchildren in the last 3 years and a 4th due very soon.
Omg, YES!! It's an insane world living with a narcissist!
And once you see the compliments are manipulative tactics they mean nothing
1.Second guess what people say
2.Displaying poker face at social gatherings
3.Overclean their surroundings
4.Doublecheck lockdoors at home
5.Prefer to eat or travel alone
6.Stutter when sharing their personnal stories
7.Say "I'm sorry" all the time
8. Avoid eye contact in conversation
9. Hyperventilate when proving a point
10. Brushing off compliments
Thank you 😊 God bless🙏
wow....to a "T"
Thank you for this !! Your a Godsend !!
Recovery is so sweet 🎂, slow, scary, hard work but still sweet. Remembering who I was before. Feeling more youthful now at 61 than all the years I was married to this life problem. The movie reference, SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY. Good movie for recovery.
To a T
I was raised by a narcissistic mother, I walked away and never looked back. However, even after 7 decades...I am still de-programming from her abuse. Such a horrible way to treat a young child.
oh I'm so glad I stumbled on this am 64 and am trying to reprogram myself from my upbringing too... I walked away at 40 from my mother and sisters
Big Huge Hugs my friend !!!! I walked away from my histrionic malignant narcissistic mother 28 years ago. NEVER looked back and also worked all this time to heal and will continue to work till my last breath. People can't fathom what we lived thru. I'm working on a definition that helps linear thinkers know in advance I process uniquely. Today it's ....I have an artist soul with an ADD brain. I feel everything and everyone I'm around inside my body. Hard to explain except to say everyone and everything has weight and depth and temperature and feeling that register so I can feel how to deal with the person or situation. It's a wordless 360 information my body gages without me even trying. Not to say that's how we all are, just how my mind and body still process after such a childhood.
I understand and can relate. We are survivors. @@jooliagoolia9959
@@jooliagoolia9959 Oh my dear, when I read "I have an artist soul with an ADD brain. I feel everything and everyone I'm around" it gave me chills because I could have written that line myself. Spot on! When you describe how you feel...it's a part of me and I live it every day. I'm an Empath and it sounds like you are as well. So I wonder if our narcissistic abuse triggered it. I use to think it was because I'm a Libra, but now I'm seriously re-thinking it. Here's something that always had me puzzled....I couldn't look people in the eye if I knew for a fact that they were lying to me. I never understood that and still don't. It's still a struggle for me. Because (especially when it's someone I love) it feels like visceral, physical pain. Hard to describe, but there it is. I take heart in the fact that I and all of you are survivors. We survived and hard as it is....the narcissist didn't win and we're still standing. @jooliagoolia9959
So difficult to walk away from these people. I understand 100%. It took me 35 years to start understanding I wasn't the issue and another 10 to walk away. These people have zero self reflection and everything is your fault.
My mother died in 2007, in my 30's. People around me were waiting for it to 'hit' me and for me to feel something - sorrow, grief, _something_ . But all I could feel was safer.
Omg, this will b me too IF my nm ever dies... IF...
I told my therapist I felt relieved when my mom died...she told that's normal for abuse victims.
I am waiting for the notification. It will be a lifting of a heavy burden. I have no contact but I won't be free until she goes. Ppl who have normal and loving relationships with their mothers can't understand.
@@kymfjohnson1 I know, it's ok to feel sad about it sometimes. All the sadder when she was right there, in real life. Didn't even have the good excuse of passing away in our childhood. Being deprived by a present mother takes some repairing. So many reminders in every day life. I'm way past that at my age. Thank goodness. I'm glad I was able to be happy for friends in different circumstances without bitterness. I'm glad I understand it and am emotionally at peace about it. I wish my niece wasn't struggling with the same damn thing though. I'm struggling with that.
Is your mother with a small M ill currently? I'd be totally fine with you adding a comment to let me know, so I can low key celebrate your freedom.
@littlewoodimp thank you yes she has all kind of stuff wrong with her rn.
For many of us, it's all about safety. I have my keys = I can't get locked out = I'm safe. I have money = I'm safe. I have food = I'm safe. I travel alone = I'm invisible = I'm safe. I don't engage = I'm safe.
Nailed it!
💯
This is exactly how I feel too. Every type of behaviour mentioned in this video makes me feel safe and that's what counts and allows me to continue living.
Same here.
OMG!! You hit the nail on the head!! When I feel unsafe, or triggered I try to be invisible..... or I wish to be invisible..... I isolate Myself..... it's the reason I don't have any friends..... I don't feel safe around people
Being alone is great. I don't have to worrying about pleasing anyone, mind-reading anyone, making my life revolve around what they want to do, cooking food my own way, and just EVERYTHING for ME instead of them.
Wow, are you EVER singing my song! After I was widowed at 31, I quickly learned independence was GREAT . But I also learned I couldn't afford it. (Looong story, and I'll spare you)
Sometimes I wonder what I would've been.
Yea right trying to justify and rationalize the benefits of loneliness. Everyone needs a romantic relationship. We aren't better alone. We're better with people who love us
@@14reasons58 - I won't argue that point at all. But until the person who loves you crosses your path, you're better off doing as you please. Unless you're into drama and high school level head games.
Tibetan monks/nuns will undertake a retreat of complete solitude of 12 years, before they are considered to be fit to teach others. It makes sense, and they are meditating most of the time, working on their abilities and developing their "view" of reality, the mind, and no doubt savoring the simplicity and peace of being in a world orchestrated by you, (and the universe). But they dont use the internet either.....they are. usually in a cave or hut high in the himalayas....truly alone. Thats why they developed Tummo, the kind wim hof uses, so they could stay in the high himalayan caves (away from people) year round. Thanks for the inspiration!
@@14reasons58Men love idealistically, women love opportunistically. No more of that for me, thank you.
I knew I had a problem when I apologized to the sofa after bumping into it. It just automatically came out without even thinking about it.
I apologized when I burped in the house alone, or sneezed by myself
Or your Canadian😅
I have a cleaning thing now . Nothing feels clean myself included .
Me too, with a lamp! Oh god, I hate it
I aplogize to inanimate objects all the time, and the cat too (although she is alive and quite responsive to me!). My husband knows why, but other people do not and often just think its amusing.
Another trait: Talking fast without pausing. They are so used to being interrupted that they try to say everything they want to say in the shortest amount of time, hoping nobody will interrupt them before they are finished.
@@Langkowski
Thanks for your comment. It will help me feel empathy for people who do this because it can be maddening to be on the receiving end of it. This will help me pause and not be offended.
Spot on! To make it worse not only do I talk super fast to as you described perfectly, I almost always become aware that im doing it midway thru my word purge and start stumbling,stuttering and (to me) i hear my voice start to sound shaky. I get so embarrassed bc i know i now sound nervous and unsure of what im saying which leaves an absolute perfect set up for my abuser to utilize my panic attack to discredit my feelings/thoughts and validates all the things he has said to tear me down and uses my PTSD anxiety as a weapon to doubt myself.It leaves my head spinning and completely unsure if I really am the bad person he says I am.I ended my last relationship a year and a half ago after 8 yrs.The relationship started off ok.By the 2yr mark it his 12yr old daughter with her own set of issues and filled with rage moved in w us and had no problem telling his dad to go fk himself.Right then we went downhill.He couldn't have a relationship with me and his daughter at the same time. His guilt over his parenting mistakes caused him to pair up and talk shit about me and made me feel like its 2 against one and he wouldn't discipline her if she set the cat on fire.Our relationship ended there.This is when he began showing narrc. traits as well as some signs of a mental health issue is happening.He dealt w phases of depression,mood swings anxiety throughout his life.At 51yrs old he began showing major swings of depression where he quit his job for 2yrs (i ruined my credit trying to support us on a Disability check).Then he would stay up for days completley paranoid,thinking he had parasites in him and he would pull out every pot pan plate etc and was boiling water in them to kill them.I was so frustrated and angry bc he wouldnt get help bz he believed his delusions even when he came out of manic stage.It got horrible from there bcz what started as typical narcc. abuse turned into paranoid delusion and the began to see me as a Dark witch that is working w Satan and im just tricking him into thinking im a good person.Shit got real! I was scared and pissed and losing my own mind! I left him when he brought a shotgun home and was taking all my forms of identity away and hiding them.He looked at me w evil eyes and i realized he's not recognizing me he's seeing me as working with the dark side.He kept saying "I can see you.I know who you really are" in a slow measured tone.I was so terrified.He said "idc what you do but if you touch my dads or grandmas stuff theyll never find your body". First of all i have no idea what things hes talking about.Besides his dads ashes he doesnt have anything of theres.So he can see anything in the house as belonging to them (even a fork) and i have no clue what i can or not touch bc hes in psychosis.The cops took him to the hospital and he was released 2weeks later w a dianosis of Bipolar and Schitzoaffective Disorder w Psychotic features. He came out angrier than b4 saying i put him in a psych hospital (i didnt),that theres nothing wrong w him and its the medicine thats causing this.During the 2 weeks he was gone i called my best friend of 43yrs and she let me move in with her 4 and half hours away in the country.He really was going to kill me.He still thinks im working for the Dark one and i ruined his life.He sent me that text in March which was 11months ive been gone so i blocked him.I dont trust him he really scares me and his delusion is extremely dangerous.His moms a full blown narrc. and he is too.Between his mental illness and those traits already there its been a nightmare.I still question if he's right and i really am a bad person but i cant see it.I had such hateful thoughts w him it wasnt a stretch to confuse my validated anger and him convinced im a horrible person.UUGGH! To whoever stuck around and read this to the end thanks for allowing me to vent! To anyone else living with someone whos dealing w more than just the regular asshole narrc abuse and it appears they might truly believes you really are the bad person the narc is saying you are (a delusion) dont wait to find out.I was lucky i had two weeks alone to have a plan. Sending Love and Light to all the beautiful ,capable people here that are deserving of love from yourself and others!
Yep!
I HATE going anywhere alone so I don’t go anywhere
@@dianneduncan9353 this is me. I have never been alone and i was effectively trained to not have friends or company so now I rarely leave the house. 24 years and I am really screwed up. I screwed my kids up by not having the balls to leave. I will be 43 this year. This really hit me.
We also don’t like compliments because narcissists often use them as a way to manipulate us. Live through enough abuse and trauma, and hearing someone give you a compliment just makes you question whether they really mean it or they just want something from you.
I hate compliments. They make me incredibly uncomfortable.
@@phuffyb5242 Yeah, immediately sends up red flags & 1st thought is "What do you want, what are you up to??"
Especially bc when my nark is complimenting & 'love bombing' then it's time to keep my guard up bc it means any minute they're about to get reeeeally ugly, really quick. It's always something up their sleeves. Sugar me up just to tear me back down. At this point, nothin sugars me up anymore. Just in a constant 'resting beech face'. 😐😑😬😅
A few years ago an outsider told me I was very beautiful. I didn't smile, I was just thinking of all the times my nark fam members called me ugly & how beauty is nothing. It's all about how we treat others. Thank goodness this outsider took my lack of enthusiasm well… no hard feelings bc they knew what was up. But, yeah, when compliments, or even put-downs, don't hold any value whatsoever, all you're left with is actions and the obvious truth. Words start to mean very little after all the non-stop lies & deceit from these relationships.
I hate that you’re right about that- I automatically think “what do you want from me? Where is this going? Trying to stay 3 steps ahead of the game constantly and it’s exhausting,. Also when being in any new environment do you find you always find every exit or entry to that space within the first three seconds ?
@@paulerykatlas7625Always! Always in survival mode.
Your about the first person on all these sites that I know has suffered. I still cant look people in the eyes much either. I feel for you.
I briefly worked with a guy who was CONSTANTLY apologetic about EVERY little thing he did wrong. He was a new temp and I was training him. I had to tell him that making mistakes was okay and not a big deal, but he acted like it was the end of the world each time. One of my coworkers brought up that he may have been a victim of abuse. It was so sad.
Either that or he is very afraid pf loosing his job because people will drop a man from a job in a drop of the hat over any little thing. Seeing how the workplace will let women and their favorites get away with everything and little things get everyone else fired ..... probably afraid to have to go home and say he lost his job again. Also just saying if he is a temp he is def afraid to lose the job cuz its prob all he has..... we are all one missed paycheck away from homelessness
I would have said the same, but there are also some other disorders that could cause that.
My niece is 13 and has had mental health struggles since she was 5. She has recently been screened for autism and they have confirmed it. She apologizes about everything, and when she does she looks like she's expecting a beating. My sister and her partner are amazing, my sis has incredible patience with every struggle they face. I do wish that my parents were as attentive as understanding. Every night since Ali was 3, they have bedtime rituals of just talking about their feelings and anything else they have on their minds. Ali is also really OCD too, she crumbles into tears and anxiety if things are changed. Like she has to use the same plate for every meal, and she is very sensitive about her back. Like she twists her arm up behind her back like to "protect".
It breaks my heart seeing her like that, and it's made me see things differently- like with your coworker.
Whatever the reasons, there is something there that causes that, and if not abuse then it may be internal. Both are sad to see.
@@Feoshyt I'm starting to think it's that the state the world is in inflicts the effects of narcissistic abuse on autists... same here. I remember Dad getting very frustrated at how I would cower when he's never laid a hand on me. xwx;
@@deetoxinz7252It makes me wonder why people employ men! Your sexist propaganda is such victimhood for you.
@@deetoxinz7252 places will let go of anyone, regardless of gender. Workers are not valued, regardless of gender. I've seen and heard of women getting fired or let go over really stupid stuff, including just pure jealousy. I think most people fear being let go, and are fearful when they've done something wrong. I know I am! I'm not so sure it really has anything to do with him being a man.
The irony is the narcissist literally turns us into them minus the lack of empathy. We become paranoid if people's intentions, second guess things, wear a mask etc. They turned us into a version of them but luckily we can heal and they cant
That's the goal from the get go!
And the spiritual element.
Deep 💯 stay strong fam
@@highpeacetess 🙏❤️
Oh my goodness, I never thought about it that way!!
@@NopeNotTodaySatan identity exchange
victims like to eat or travel alone, not to take back control or to reclaim their independence, but because that's the only time they feel safe - when no one else is around.
Yes
and relaxed...i mean, as relaxed we can be, cause you know...even that "mecanism" is damaged...
so true!
@@evelinoliveira4641 it’s understood that feeling safe brings a feeling of ease and relaxation that cannot exist without the feeling of safety.
I’ve eaten alone at work for the last 12 years, ever since I started working. I also sit in my car after work and spend an extra 15 minutes alone, by myself, decompressing and dreading going back home. I’m only myself when I’m at work or in my car.
My mother and an older sister were my first narcissists, then my now ex husband. Managed to end up dating a guy who was even worse than the ex, and he nearly destroyed me. I live alone in a small town, keep to myself, and have a wonderful, non critical feline friend who gives me all the affection I need … or want. There’s no therapy available in my area, and I don’t drive. Alone is my safe place. Just me, the cat, and my books. 🇨🇦🖖🏻🇨🇦
Sounds like heaven, actually.
@@Dbb27 It is! 🇨🇦🖖🏻🇨🇦
When my abusive, narcissistic husband died, I was so happy, the relief was palpable. He finally left me alone.
Wow I’m happy for you! Take that alone time to heal yourself!
Most therapists have sessions via video since the pandemic.
11. Overexplaining everything in many ways because you're afraid of being misunderstood.
So true 💯
And then “they” get offended and fell silent on you. For a month.
How do I break free from this one? It could hurt my new healthy relationships.
I've learned to stop over explaining. It's liberating.
💯 all the time. And then I'm embarrassed afterward and regret wasting people's time like that. But then it happens again...a vicious cycle I'm trying to break.
A point I might add to the lot is how those who went under narcissistic abuse tend to have a very good memory of what they have said in order to not let ppl put words into our mouth, twisting facts and all.
You are so right about this. I remember as a child being so confused when my mother told me why I had done whatever bad thing I had done. I had forgotten this until while raising my children. Whenever my husband would try to tell one of our kids something like ‘you did that because you feel this or wanted that’ I would feel panicked and tell him ‘don’t give them motives for their behaviour they may not have
Ooh, yes! I didn't realize that's where that came from!
Yes!! Exactly this!
And being VERY careful about what you say and how you say it. People often comment about how precise and thorough I am. 😂 something good that came out of a terrible situation, excellent communication skills.
I know very easily when someone is full of crap. Or lying. Or if the energy is off ..I can literally feel it. I had to learn to figure like what was really being said.. bc the adults that spoke if they did.. didn't give much guidance.. or reasoning.. and usually different sets of guidance for different children. And I learned to watch eyes, eye brows and learned to watch facial expressions bc I knew what I was seeing was not ok
. Why did I have to do this and not her type thing. And why don't you believe me and just a bunch of religious stuff with it that made it worse.. when I was very little. And 😢heard the lessons and it was not what I was living in my house. Very confusing. If I asked any questions I would get shamed and had to pray
. I mean it's nuts to me now. A 5 yo.. asking a question.. and you put me on my knees and make me beg God to not send me to hell.. and Shame on you.. I was told I was going to hell so much I eventually believed it and said screw it.. why even try anymore
. When I was a teenager I started experimenting.. my sis was good girl. I was bad one.. it's classic.. my mom told me I remind her of her mom and she can't stand her.. I loved my Mamaw. I learned so much from her. She said I'm just like her. I said it was a compliment. I found my voice link like 43... I stand up for myself. I don't just take it now.. it still hurts. She still does stuff behind my back. She knows I know.. I tell her. I will have the last word bc you will more than likely die before me. I know you want me to kill myself but it will not happen. So just based on age in health. Stats it will be you. She doesn't like it.
I thought I had made so much progress healing from narcissistic abuse, but this list shows me how much more damage I still need to recover from. Narcissistic abuse really should be a crime for how badly it wounds a person
Counseling & the mental-health field has also covered up things on narcissism & something like one out of six people out there are narcissists & this is a lot of narcissists in society!!
I cried reading this list, I thought I had heal most of the narcissistic abuse I endured, but I have to still work on some things on the list.
Same. All the hard work I've put in and feel only slightly healed. So many years of my life down the drain.
For me it's going in the wrong direction through self-destructive chotic behavior and questionable life decisions from never having learned proper healthy control of my self or my surroundings
@@lastvestiges I know those feelings all too well. I spent years in a self destructive cycle. I have healed from the worst of it through the practice of self love and self forgiveness.
Narcissistic abuse will definitely leave you either OCD or PTSD!!! Sometimes, both!!!
I'm CPTSD, opposite of OCD, view just about everything like that as punishment, its like freedom to leave dishes in the sink, know people that are crazy off the hook ocd though and its hard to call a truce.
Or both
I have both after leaving my ex.
Remember the days when only a select few had PTSD or what it used to be called shell shock
@@divergentthg7925remember the days where you weren’t spouting shit out of your mouth?
The first 6 months after I left my ex I could hardly put a sentence together. I was having trouble leaving the house. I felt so upside down. It's crazy what mental abuse can do.
I had gotten used to so much that I didn't realize how much I was in survival mode until I left. Wow what a relief it was! I was blessed to have a great support system ready as I left.
❤ yes madness. I used to have a wicked sense of humour and people used to love it and I was always very careful not to cause harm. 10yrs to the now (as damn, dine with that now!!!), of an off on with a narcissist man and I feel the need justify my every comment & opinion and terrified to make casual conversation incase I get judged or misunderstood... So glad I finally was led to watch some input on narcissism (only this month finally) and thereby identified my sister (the background story to subliminal lack of worth it turns out I believe) and my ex as narcissists -AND POOF, thereby the overlay of continuous damn internal dialogue of justification and explaining, virtually lifted overnight. F*ck em for their every judgment and undermining and distorting of everything about me!😅😊
Mine stalked me even though I had a no contact order. He went to jail 3 times for violating it. I had to move 4 hours away and still looked over my shoulder for a long time. He thought he owned me and how dare I leave him. By the grace of God I survived.
I tried speaking to the cashier and my words made no sense and she looked at me like I was nuts. :( wtf Is wrong with me
You best not try to say anything about the abuse to anyone unless they specifically went through Narcissistic Abuse .
It is only traumatizing because you can see you don’t make sense to them , and begin stuttering feeling anxious , like you sound like you are making It up
I avoided eye contact because you learn, as a victim, that eye contact was a challenge to the narcissist. It's hard to break that habit once you are free
When I had a major concussion (with my prefrontal messed up and my amygdala running wild) this went into OVERDRIVE. I literally had to stare at the floor, at home but esp at work and in one on one meetings. I had to explain to my boss (scary!) Thank God she understood and was very gracious.
My ex forced me to make eye contact. I'd always struggled with it before. Now it's even harder because I always felt like he only wanted eye contact so I'd see that frightening look in his eye and be afraid.
I just don't want to make people uncomfortable. I have a few of these 10 things and have my own reasons for them. Guess I'm a narc lol
No, the list is what the victim suffers as a result of having a narc parent.
not long ago the narc around me said "ill gouge your eyes out" another regular breakfast time with the mother. She is full of it and an emotional train wrack in every way.
Narcissists have comorb OCPD, so keeping things clean is their way of feeling in control. They often criticize their victims how they keep things messy and use that to degrade their victims.
Mine would never help me clean my own place when he lived here.. and anytime I did clean, he would make a mess all over it..then blame me and tell me “how messy my house was”
Interesting, I just did this to my entire house
That’s true if you’re living with them or close to them or around them. I purposely moved far enough away from my mother, so that I could cut ties that she insisted on keeping after I moved out in her town. I was so happy to get away. in 10 years I live there she only came to my house one time and it was with her friend, who didn’t understand NPD and thought she was the smartest woman in the world. She was super codependent, so she wanted to come and see me, like a normal person., and she wanted her friend to think that she was supportive,. But they never were. She never came to my house again thank God..
Thank you. I have all but 2 of these. I would add "Being unable to believe that anyone would care about you (or they won't unless they get something out of it)."
Thank you. Sincerely, thank you.
Always a hook…my 83 y o mother uses money from dead husbands.I needed $ for shoulder surgery…but to get it I have to shop with her, go out to eat with her, listen on the phone while she repeats fake conversations…my shoulder is still hurting. I can’t be fake, it so reminds me of everything about her. My horror is she has taken my daughter and 3 grandchildren away and I don’t know what lie she used but she might as well kill me bc I feel dead. I’m sorry so many of you know exactly what I’ve been through, 62 years of it.
I feel deeply uncomfortable after the first few dates. I notice everytime they don't listen to me, everytime i speak it feels like they have no interest in listening me. It's been lonely!! I doubt every other human being. Crazy as it is, the only person who wouldn't trigger me is actually the narcissist. In the end he because the only person I felt knew me. The only one. Our relationship turned to friendship. I understood he was narcissist, and learnt so much about it, to understand what and how to deal with this person that he because someone I wanted to talk to daily. How strange is that? Other relationships with family and friends, drain me to the point of loosing who I feel I am. The narcissist my best friend, brings me back to myself, a strong self. It's backwards now 😢
Very true. I’m just trying to get out of a relationship where everything was my fault and he basically could do no wrong. Now that other guys seem interested I don’t even remember how to date
Oooh that’s a good one.
PRAYERS UP FOR ALL WHO HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS I UNDERSTAND,I STILL DEAL WITH IT!🙄🙏🏻
My narcissistic brother once said to me
“How am I meant to act “
It’s like they have no frontal lobe
Im still dealing with this too even my husband doesnt understand this.
🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
I understand too, mine is an ongoing battle that they refuse to admit they were a major factor in how I am.
Thank you. In add I need physical healing too
Remaining "under the radar" in every way conceivable is absolutely crucial to reducing abuse from a malignant narc.
They’re studying a new trait called echoism that matches narc abuse victims
True
Please explain " remaining under the radar".. thankyou
I always say my superpower is to be invisible. When I first met my husband he could not believe how quiet I was. Always wondering if I was ok… yes I was. But I am to this day still very quiet and not showing emotions. Even when super stressed at some point ( during Covid super noisy neighbours upstairs 24/7) the only result was increase of my blood pressure. My husband was surprises at how I did not show any stress.
I am 50 and just two years ago went no contact with family. I finally realized after 20 years of trying to build a better relationship with them, they would never change their narcissistic ways. It gets lonely at times, but so peaceful now.
I appreciate all the comments and this video. It’s a life-long recovery effort.
❤
Woah. Same.
I'm the same
Omg same, same age same story. So proud of us! We deserve better
Good work. My narcissist father kicked me out of the house then stalked me for years. I was a fool and never hid. I had a phone listing, etc.
I'm a victim of my dad's narcissistic behavior. I grew up in a military home, and thought this was the way everyone lived. Not until I was an adult did I watch a video of narcissistic behavior. I totally EXPLODED!! This happened a few years ago, and I've never gotten over the impact it had on me!!! I'm now a senior citizen, and STILL can't be emotionally or physically close to most people. My dad (may he rot in HELL!!) did a good job of squashing my ability to love anyone, including my sweet little dog. If you're controlled by a narcissistic parent, stand up to him/her and totally reclaim your independence!!! These people will strip you of your independence if you don't stand up and say, NO!!! I know!!!
I moved out of my parents house this year so I already stood up to them, but I feel you on your ability to love being squashed. I literally have a fear of intimacy now because I never grew up on love and only hate and anger. I can't love people because I don't know how to and if they love me, I'm deathly afraid.
Same here...sorry this happened to you...I understand your words...may he rot in hell...
Hello! Raised by narc mom. Senior now too. Growing up I also thought that every parent was sweet in public and evil behind closed doors. After a while I just thought she was a freak of nature and recently found out there was a name for it... narcissism! I don't know why but I've been angrier ever since. My attachments to people only go so far and then there is a wall. She saw to it that my entire network of relatives believes all kinds of crap about me. My daughter has no contact with people from her dad's side (messed up family) and no relationship with any extended family from my side ( I am the bad daughter who doesn't appreciate the sweet, wonderful, caring mother that I have).
I’m so sorry you went through this. Both my parents were narcissists, my mother being the “ring leader”. These people don’t deserve to have children. Now middle aged, I still find it so difficult to connect with people and make friends to this day. Therapy helps, but it’s a long long journey to recovery.
Lol! Maybe he's rotting in hell with my dad, The Pilot. Sit down, shut up, and listen, because he's right and everyone else is wrong. 64 y/o, I surround myself with animals, not people.
Some times it feels like no one thinks you are truly abused unless it's physical. It's been 5 years since my mother passed away and her abuse is still ruling my life. It changed me so much I don't even know who I am. I have nightmares and uncontrolled mood swings, terrible anxiety... And all from words used just right. Manipulation is very destructive.
I have been openly derided by victims of physical abuse. I've also heard it said that in some ways, physical abuse is "easier," in that you can hit back. Even if it's a really bad idea, you can do it. It might even feel good. Whereas, what are you going to do to a narcissist? Turn their narcissism back on them? The best you can do is escape with all your damage to deal with. Preferably alone, so nobody invalidates you. What a nightmare.
I think for me it would gave been easier if he had hit me. Because I would have hit him back. I did hit back in a previous relationship. Because then you know where you stand. I do and don't hate my partner of 35 years because I know he was probably made what he was, but I didn't deserve it. What I hate the most is that I cannot no longer trust my own judgement.
Please listening to self love subliminal while drinking water -it contains/carries memory- every day twice a day at least.
You'll begin to feel the invaluable results within months ❤
@pablosmoglives sexual abuse by a guy a full blown NPD and then a highly narcissistic guy has been the worst for me. I just have no trust left for physical intimacy and I loathe hook up culture so I'm staying celibate and raising healthy happy relaxed intelligent toddlers n have been , alone, because I'm the scapegoat child and I'll break the cycle of abuse with my kids. ❤
I was physically and mentally abused, the bruises heal but your mental health is another thing altogether 😢
I really identified with stumbling over words. My father was the narc, but was really intelligent in how he did it. The second you pushed back on something he gaslit you. Enough gaslighting growing up, and when you try to tell the story you are haunted by how inadequate your story is, how probably not believable it is. Even though you're living the pain and confusion every minute, the words just don't come easily to describe it
I had a super intelligent narcissistic dad, too. To this day, I’m extremely uncomfortable having a debate with people about topics that I’m not an expert on. When someone who knows more about a subject than I do challenges my opinions, I can’t continue the conversation because it’s so humiliating to realize that I’m inferior at arguing my position. This was how my dad established and defended his dominance: by winning arguments. But as a kid, I didn’t realize that he simply had better skills at arguing for his position in a debate than I did. I just felt stupid.
Your father too? That shit sucks.
Totally
Very true statement does feel like that like no of this can be real or when you question what is .. Be well stay strong survivors..
This is so true. I've never found the words
The alone time for me is such a blessing! I love to go eat alone, take drives alone, I don’t have to walk on eggshells, I no longer have to worry about putting the gallon of milk in the fridge a certain way, having more than 1 jar of mayo in the pantry, I’m learning how yo accept compliments, learning not to take the blame for everything, etc. wow!! It was so exhausting!!! Always in that fight or flight mode! I’m learning how to enjoy the peace!! Wishing everyone the same!
Putting the Milk in the Fridge "the right way"???
My evil mother had me falsely imprisoned for " injury to the elderly with intent to do bodily harm", a disgusting charge. I can't even get housing because of my charge. Oh yeah, she called the police and told them I had assaulted her, and that her age spots were the bruises. Mom being in law enforcement herself, I didn't even have an opportunity to speak
Oh, she did this to me because I used her kitchen broom in the garage.
Alone time and silence is sometimes a cleansing of the soul and a relief to the ears
@@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529yup my ex narc wanted the milk handle to be on the right side and label facing forward along with everything else had to be in a certain order, folding things a certain way! Just crazy!
I always apologize for simple things, like brushing by someone. I am familiar with many of these traits, having married a narcissist. The gaslighting is very slow to notice at first, but the narcissist increases the abuse as time goes on. Until it finally becomes intolerable or they break you completely. Shortly before our divorce I asked him “you’re trying to destroy me, aren’t you”. I’ll never forget the look of rage on his face when he replied “yes”.
I will be praying 🙏 for you before I go to bed tonight. May God bless you with healing ❤️🩹 and sweet new beginnings! 🙌🙏💕
At least he was honest about it. My partner would just lie and have some sly remark that would make him seem harmless...just so he can keep doing it as long as possible.
Mine told me, "I thought I could change you," I told him, "Only God can change someone, and you're not God." I immediately moved out...and never regretted leaving.
That is an actual tragedy, I'm as sorry for you as a random TH-cam commenter can be
Ticked all the boxes but over cleaning. I constantly check if the door is locked
This is so accurate. My mother, husband, brother, as well as the second husband were all narcissists. The first husband almost killed me and now, after a lifetime of narcissistic abuse, I can’t trust anyone. Certainly don’t enjoy compliments , really don’t like to stand out, and have often been told by people to stop apologising.
My husband tried to kill me also. A complete psycho.
Christ loves you just the way you are. Feel secure in his unconditional love ❤
Sadly each and every word applies to my life with a covert narcissist husband. I have learned how to self sooth myself through positive affirmations and make eye contact with others again. God bless others who are suffering as well. I am praying for healing for all of us.
I'm sending you love ❤ I'm proud of you. It's not a small thing to realize the situation you are in, and it's amazing that you have been learning how to help yourself cope, those are really big steps and they shouldn't be made into less (not saying you were). I hope that you find the peace and safety that you deserve, I hope that you are able to heal. I wish you the very best
Thank you for the kind words of support and reassurance. It makes my heartache a little more bearable.
Thank,I'm suffering so much,he took my confidence self esteem,he literally called me every racist things even racist things why he can't help me raise our kid, he sabotaged my birth control that's how I ended up pregnant,and all the names, being told I was fat while pregnant,I don't listen , but then the compliments I wouldn't have gotten back with you if you didn't look good,but then more tearing down, and ignoring me,his daughter, only being nice when. He wants me to cook or have sex,then more talking down on me screaming insults so everyone can hear , saying I never listen ,when I first met him I thought he was the one person who loved me , because my mom has narc traits and is emotionally unavailable and I was mentally abused by a lot of people I loved and abused in other forms ,so I really depended on him and it breaks me knowing I still don't have the one person I thought cared,Im not doing well and I'm in so much pain,I can't stop crying and replaying the moments over and ober again ,i thought by now id be free in life ive. Been suffering too much in life I'm 24 btw . I just needed to vent
@@ninam500 My heart is with you. I am sending you love.
I hope you and your daughter are safe. Know that there are resources out there to support you. Know that you are not alone. One step at a time. One day at a time.
Please be gentle with yourself. Please. You matter.
I'm sorry I don't have more or better words. Know that my heart is with you. I have faith in you.
@@ninam500 Sweetie, NEVER allow anyone to treat you like dirt!!!!! You deserve LOVE & RESPECT and to be treated very well by people. Please don't ever ever accept less than that! If a guy doesn't treat you very well, give him his Walking Papers!!!!! God bless and protect you and I pray He leads you to a good person.
The abuse suffered from a narcissist will break you. I have totally shut myself off from everyone, i got 1 friend. I go nowhere do nothing but sit at home, i dont socialize cuz im broken, odd, no longer normal. I have no self esteem or self love. No love at all, i dont give it dont want it. I cant even ask him a question without be belittled or him thinking im attacking him. And God forbid.... i never speak my mind!! If you relate..... RUN FOR SANITY ( LIFE ) !!!!!!!!
JESUS HEALS AND HE LOVES YOU!!!!!!
Yeah, and each day it is like they are thinking up clever insults or ways to boss you. If you don't know the psychology, you go crazy!
Literally sounds like me 😅
You can do it 💪🏾💪🏾💪🏾
Been in this almost 4years, Managed to overcome love to hate. He is narc everything what you knew or know about him is fasade.. Just a big fat lie..
Its nothing wrong with you, you actually gain skills what can help you in future, like scanning people in second.
Believe in yourself, love yourself, be yourself and right people will come around 🙏🏾💚
You are important, and you have value.
Like I say, I am old me, damaged, but surviving and survive.
I got 2 friends recently what is a bless and gives more power to achieve my bubbly personality.
I really hope your life gets better and you find happiness.
😢😢😢.. im exactly the same...i cant wait till i can have no contact..
Damn...I got out of an abusive Narcissitic relationship and I never felt like my feet ever hit the ground, like i was always on a roller coaster of emotions. I had no one to talk to, then I started watching these videos and others and I started to understand what was happening and I felt so much better. Knowing there was a name to what I was going thru gave me so much courage. I still look over my shoulder but I'm ok now. I really am ok now.
Learning you're not alone and these people actually exist and you're not crazy has helped me immensely.
That's good if no one has told you I'm proud of you for making it out. Don't give in. They want you to give up and they want to win so moving on is the best way to disregard that and them.
So happy for your survival. I pray that I am strong enough to overcome the workplace abuse and family abuse I experienced. I applaud your bravery ❤
@@VisibleTimes you can do it. Day by day and prayer
I am going through it right now
i hate compliments because i inmediatly think "what does this person want from me?". I'm very distrustful of people thanks to my narcissist dad, specially of men.
And doubting if the compliment is even truthful
@yellowpillNP This, I have such a hard time believing it.
Too often in dating it feels like it could just be someone laying it on thick in an attempt to hook up or sometning.
It's true
I definitely understand this, hopefully with time. There will be friends or a loved one we can trust and believe some day. On things being said to us
It hurts inside just listening.
felt this.
Yes, and I know how you feel because I have too for years. But slowly over time it gets better and better....as long as you have gone no contact with abusers and keep it that way.
Yes! I cry every time I watch a video that validates my inner pain. Nobody has ever acknowledged it before so I always thought I was the problem.
I know….my daughter said I “live in a museum” because of how I keep my house. Yes, I also love being alone.
🫂🫂@@candacegardner8858
Another note on traveling alone: being trapped in a car with a narcissist is a special kind of hell
They have to have a captive audience. They will wait until you are captive to pull their crap and leave you stranded. OMG that's why they hate the big bag of everything you carry, which makes you self-sufficient in any scenario.
Currently visiting family and realizing the root of the problems : My grandmother.
She shoots down everything people say and acts like they’re just silly fools. Rolls her eyes and acts like everything my grandpa does / says is stupid / annoying, forces ideas on ppl even when they’ve made it CLEAR they disagree, manipulates you if you don’t agree with her by acting like you’re being disrespectful and hateful just because you don’t like the same color decorations or cake as her (even if you keep it to yourself, but just don’t act ecstatic when she shoves them in your face), etc.
Then, when you finally say “Why do you have to say it like that?” She tells you to SHUT UP or you won’t be a part of her life soon. Then pretends to be super fake sweet to everyone all of a sudden to convince herself she’s not a wretch. She also LOVES playing the victim and acting sick.
My family raised me calling everybody else fake / manipulative / evil, but upon moving out into the real world, I started to see they were the worst of the worst of those things, and even moreso since they did it with a smile on their faces when it started to show. Along with dirty secrets I’ll leave out.
I’m sorry that I seem unappreciative of them on here for letting me stay while in town, but I can not WAIT to go home. Gotta grin and bare it while I’m on my way out the door without saying what I truly think.
Sad thing is, my moms not much better after being raised by her. She’s just more harsh / outright about it, telling me to get over it while complaining about the same things my entire life.
Ready to block my entire family and pretend I never had one / start fresh. 🤗🤷🏽♀️✌🏽
You have practically described my sister. She hasn’t threatened me not to be part of her life, actually the exact opposite. My sister, when ramping up for another ‘attack’, talks with a little girl voice. There are ‘tells’ when they are heading for the next attack. I don’t trust her ‘niceness’ or helpfulness any more. Trust is long gone, if ever there was any there. She told me she hated my husband about a month after he died, abused me one day for standing up to her by saying no, enough is enough. Only thing that shut her up was telling her our parents would be totally disgusted with her behaviour. I hate the narcissist’s ‘you are passive/aggressive’ insult when all you are doing is protecting yourself. The saying ‘silence is golden’ is a good behaviour I found. I was told growing up to talk up, then when I started talking up was told to shut up. I am now beginning to not talk up, reverting to my childhood pattern now that I have begun to understand it.
I’m not sure if this would apply but my grandma used to be scary until I was in my 20’s.
She’d freak out on ppl (usually over something small) and these two things would stop it;
- I’d keep a blank face and calmly tell her it’s not that big of a deal or
- if I could I’d make friendly jokes about everything, not mean, just enough to make it seem like the negative stuff is not even effecting me.
I walked away 15 years ago. It was like breathing for the first time. ❤
@@robyndickson1289 I feel you. I was ALWAYS in trouble for speaking up, but when I look back, just about everything I said turned out to be true. One irrelevant but hefty example was when my extremely patriotic family told me how 9 / 11 happened and at 11 years old I said… “How is that even possible… it fell from bottom to top after just being hit on a small percentage of the top…” I was disloyal to my country and the ppl like my grandpa who fought in wars, and blasphemous lol. But nowadays they just tell me not to talk about things when they know they can’t refute them, such as moral discrepancies. I’m sooo thankful I moved out as SOON as I turned 18.
And my grandma talks in a La dee da television perfect grandma voice like she’s so sweet and caring, but says ugly, hateful things while doing it. It’s insane, so I understand you on that part.
@@Jamieaaronball03 That’s what I did when she said the “…Or stop being a part of my life” thing during this trip. I just said ok. 😏😐 And stood where I was at the table, staring at her. 😂 I could tell it was throwing her off too.
I also kept making fun of her in little indirect ways the whole time when she’d say something bitchy so everyone knew what I meant but couldn’t necessarily pinpoint it. 😜
My girlfriend was in a very abusive marriage a long time ago this video help me understand some of her actions all I feel I can do is just love her and support her love you Kasey!
The cleaning thing is a habit not necessarily for control bc some of us were punished if it wasn't and you had to always be busy or be in trouble. So it away to avoid punishment.
^to avoid 'punishment'
Translation: bc abuse
So... yes, it's for control.
_Self-control_ is still control.
For me it is control, I cant think or move on with what I have to do if I'm surrounded in disorganization. If I'm already like that mentally I can't see it visually
Mine is retaking the premises and comfort, throwing away junk accumulated by his hoarding of end of the world supplies. Ugh.
# 11 never answer the door, ever (unless it’s a planned visit by someone)
Correctly
#12 never answer the phone, unless it's a planned phone call.
Amen !
Door lock. Phone on silent , any visitors must let me know in advance including my adult kids or any of my very very few friends . I can drop you like a stone if I suspect any judging of me , or scace/trigger me. Basically I'm a wreck but happy in my own company, never get lonely tho do get bored . Can read a room the moment I enter, I feel the negative energy as well as good energy.
I feel fragile but I'm alive. Leave me among animals then I'm at peace . They are the only truth left to me personally. I trust them but doubt il trust a human completely
@@mayamichelle6741 Was just gonna say this. My god, the panic when I see an unexpected call pop up on my phone 🥴
I'm stunned. I thought I would tick a box or two, maybe three. But no...every single one...each and every thing you mentioned I go through or do, every day. I even apologize to my dog. It took me years be able to accept a compliment. It's as if you saw my file. This is amazing...and kinda sad. 🙁
Same.
I felt the same way about the video. I even felt anxious, tense, palms sweating, and hyperventilating when they talked about the “proving a point” number.
ha! I apologize to my cat. all. the. time. At least I can laugh about it now.
Me2
😂 you even apologize to your dog made me lough becouse i do the same 🤣,i now know that my dog is a narcisist 😂,becouse She Always tries to make me feel guilty if i don't give all my attention to her ....oh what a world...😅
My mother was what I call a Mega Narcissist. I was diagnosed with ADD before elementary school and I was constantly put down for ideas that I had or things I wanted to say. She was always angry and I was constantly scared. She always had to be right and get her point across and she even pushed away certain friends and her own sister for years because of it. To this day I'm still trying to get over certain things.
I did nerofeedback as a kid and I didn't take medication. ADD is bogus it's not a real disease.
ADHD runs in fams. My mother had both and it made the narc traits worse because of the emotional dysregulation and chaos ADHD added to the mix. Maybe the same for you?
@@rhyfess8429 add is just childhood hyperness. Kids don't need drugs to learn how to focus.
People need to stop sucking up this psychiatric bs.
I wonder what she went through?
Actually I am adopted. From what she's told me, grandma treated her like shit even though she was the one who took care of her and my aunt did nothing for her, but got all the praise. It's really damn strange how that works.
I recognise 9 of these habits in myself. I’m 65 years old, but still suffer from being the target of put downs from my elder siblings. I am the youngest of eight children. I had nowhere to go when being picked upon. They were worst when they were in a group. I still have no self confidence and low self esteem.
I spend most of my time with my dogs, who are non judgmental.
Now’s the time to (mentally/emotionally) break free!! You got this!!
At 57 yrs old, I'm just seeing my mom for the abuser she's always been. I'm realizing that she will never take responsibility for herself and she will never change. I am damaged and in much pain.
I know how you feel.... I'm 50 & only recently have I been able to learn about narcissists & the devastating effects
I am 61 years old a female a disabled veteran I have a morgellons disease and my mother is a dark triad but looking narcissist who's with sadism just found out two years ago at 59 that my mother was was this evil entity that is not even human and I was told that she's never loved me never has loved me and so of course my whole world has been ripped away from me but the biggest and hardest things to do with is the grief and the betrayal
Also, no one will help me and I am completely alone. I am almost brain dead and can barely function due to the grief.
51 and estranged from my mother and father because of their narcissism. My father is critical and controlling, my mother is emotionally codependent on me. No more!
65 here. Finally saw it/remembered 19 months ago. She tried to kill me around 20 times I think but couldn’t make it look enough like an accident or chickened out. Spewed hate openly at me til I was 5 or 6, then started faking that she loved me, but still poisoned me regularly.
She tried to defraud me and I woke up. Now she’ll never see or hear from me again.
As far as overcleaning goes,
I have the opposite problem: If everything is cluttered, it makes it harder for my narcissist to pick through my things when I'm not there and gives them away as gifts to other people. Even though I haven't lived with this person for a long time, I find it hard to let go of the false sense of security that the clutter provides. At the same time, it drives me bonkers, especially when I'm looking for something!
I thought I was the only one! I mean I usually joke that it would be hard for someone to steal things in my clutter, but I didn't realize how true that felt until I saw your comment. It also drives me crazy at the same time and makes me feel trapped. I will go through phases and do something crazy like clean all the floorboards, but my house is usually cluttered and disorganized. Seeing that someone else does this makes me feel a little less lonely. Thank you for sharing, truly.
I think I’ve read that hoarding behavior is also commonly linked to narcissistic abuse
Thank you For this comment. At least I’m not alone in this. I was wondering. I show all the signs except the over cleaning. I’m the opposite as well. My narcissist used cleaning as a punishment. I would do the dishes and if I didn’t do it exactly as she wished she would take every dish in the house out of cupboards and drawers and make me walk them all. Not just the dirty dish…and not just the one I messed up.
Now, I tend to use disorganization to my own benefit. Things may look like they’re in disarray, but I know exactly where everything is and that’s important to me.
Mine used to go through the rubbish bin when he got home to see what I’d been eating!
Same here. The more clutter there is, the less inclined my narcissist is to walk into my "safe space" and berate and question everything that makes me happy.
The only experts are the survivors of narcissistic abuse and to refer to them or to their behaviours as weird, is abusive. Learn how to respect people who have survived abuse.
Youre absolutely right. This video makes the victim seem like the abuser. This video is gaslighting at its best. Even the tone of voice is condescending as it talks about "its like a little ritual they do to calm.thier mind"... This video is made by an abuser. Abusers and Narcs can make yoi tube videos too. They own most of the social media world. Unfortunately.
There are really only two types of narcissist the overt and the covert y’all need to be careful because living life too sensitive constantly being a victim is also a form of narcissism it’s called covert narcissism for a reason because that person is always a victim to be honest with you That is what y’all sound like please do not be another sissy victim covert, narcissist I deal with them all the time it is incredibly annoying. They live with a false humility and can never admit to being wrong because they are always a victim that being said the most ironic thing about this is that a victim of a narcissist actually becomes the other kind of narcissist because the narcissist was so powerful in their life. It’s almost as if they absorb that power and tried to live their life using it to their advantage because of how bad it hurt them. It is a sick twisted circle, the only way is a straight line. Follow Jesus Christ.
Sometimes I "wander the windows", just go from window to window, and stare out windows watching and waiting for the narc to turn up. He's been dead 8 years.
You are normal for this kind of abuse, because unfortunately they are still in our heads, and if they hurt our children or anyone else close to us, we know that their pain is still present in their minds as well.
My spine curls if I see someone who looks like him, he's been dead since 2021.
The last sentence went through me. I felt that. The crippling fear. Surround yourself with good hearted people who love you and support you. When I feel afraid I say out loud "you are safe" I say it over and over and it helps ease the anxiety a little bit. ❤
i do this
I am so sorry! I do this as well.. I think I’m actually terrified .. ever sound I hear and I also see him out if the corner of my eye sometimes in the house or the car and I nearly die .. it scares me so bad.. I actually let out an audible sound of fear!! Then I have to try to calm down and sometimes it sends me into a panic attack .. I’ve only known abuse of every kind I’m sad!
Excellent video. It's just overwhelming the damage that a narcissist does to you.
And additionally overwhelming to begin to think about confronting them with it. What made them this way? I feel bad for them. No one wants to interact with them and they’ll go to their grave thinking everyone is an Ahole. But not them
What is so sad is to outsiders we are both alone & lonely, us by choice, them through being abandoned smh
@@FaithfulandTrue949 so true
I tend to raise my voice more than I should. I just wasn't heard. It's a reflex I still have almost 15 years later.
You're not alone in this
I was with the ex for 9 years and this list is ringing a lot of bells for me, especially the eating and travelling alone part.
He used to food shame me and weigh me if he thought I'd gained weight, even though I was really petite, so now even a decade later I prefer not to eat around a lot of people, as I feel like I'm being watched.
Travelling alone- I love travelling alone I feel independent and free, if I buy clothes they no longer need to be approved of 🎉🎉
Weighing you? Approving of clothes? Tell them to go kick rocks!!!!!!! That is a hard-core CONTROL FREAK! You deserve to be treated very well, not like that!!! God bless and protect you.
If anyone is going through this, healing is possible. Painful at times, but entirely possible. Don't give up on yourself or the narcissist wins.
If only we could show our abusers this and they would acknowledge we display all of these behaviors. Sadly, even if they manage to sit through the entire video they will still find a way to dismiss it.
It's the closure that is denied that makes it so hard for many to process. When somebody dies we have ceremonies and rituals to help us grieve. It's worth considering creating some type of ritual/ceremony/event for ourselves to grieve what we have lost to those who have abused or neglected us.
It would trigger their rage and we’d be punished.
They will turn it around and claim that you are the narcissist and they are the victim. They live in a different reality.
Both of mine would laugh at me and tell me I’m being dramatic and making things up.
It’ll be made to be our fault
From the time I was 16 and had a car and some spending money until I got married I always preferred eating in restaurants alone. I remember being shocked when I heard that some people would never consider eating out alone. I enjoyed the peace and freedom to order whatever I wanted. Nice, quiet, “me” time.
I absolutely LOVE eating out alone, living alone, driving alone, traveling alone, being alone. It’s the only time I feel comfortable in my own skin.
I would like to be able to eat alone. 90% of the time when I try, some strange man sits with me. So fun.
@@SeaC-ko1mpsame feels good tho I'm not alone in feeling all same things you n everyone else feels why haven't you left .
I assume that dinnertime at home was "pure hell"?? My narc. father would at times complain because "dinner was not yet ready" & my mother was a good cook & house-keeper, yet he treated her like dirt!!
@@RonSafreed Yes, it certinaly was hell. My parents didn't get along and the atmosphere at home was always tense.
Some of us vibrate in a way that we act like a beacon that attract those evil ego monsters.
Mhmmm. Especially Empaths. Narcissists love to be our energy vampires. They are incapable of feeling anything for anyone other than themselves so they mirror our behavior to hone their manipulation skills.
And when they are bored or not getting attention, they will trigger you to feed off your negative energy. And they always respond all calm and collected.. because triggering weak spots, gaslighting, reflecting.. are normal behaviors for them. They also need to feed their superiority complex so they translate their complete lack of having a soul to believing they have superior communication skills and emotional control.
My narcissist's favorite thing to do would be to trigger me right before bed by making some completely messed up comment he knew would get me worked up and the gears spinning in my head. Then fall asleep in less than a minute immediatly after knowing I'd be up most of the night stuck trying to resolve it and come to some sort of resolution on my own. Kept me tired and weak on purpose to keep me vulnerable.
How do you change your vibration? I attract awful people and people want to hurt me and see me fail.
Good people attract evil, because evil want less competition. Being good is not easy.@@jojodyan
@@jojodyan it's not so much that we can avoid attracting evil people as it is about setting strong personal boundaries for ourselves regardless of who comes into our lives. With strong boundaries in place evil will search for easier prey that requires less effort to gaslight and manipulate.
You are a beacon until you learn to honor yourself, know you are enough, that you are in charge of your life and happiness, and not allow any kind of abuse by setting firm boundaries.
The hyper ventilation when proving a point rings the bell 🔔
Brief fleeting visions of them coming into the house, at waking up. Scared me yo death
Is diminishing with time
The narcisstic abuse l experienced has left me preferring solitude and finding it hard to communicate with others.
Yes to all of that. But I have noticed a couple others for me:
I can’t express joy. If I express joy it’s an opportunity to get knocked down.
Also, I don’t handle birthdays well. Mine was often treated poorly or as if I inconvenienced someone. I rarely get through a birthday without great hurt and disappointment. I’m in my 60s now and I would still prefer to spend my birthday in my closet. This spills over to Mother’s Day and Christmas as well. No one really knows or understands why these days are so hard for me.
I do.
Growing up with a narcissist father, I could do nothing right. As an adult, I always strove for perfection, afraid to say or do something wrong. I didn't take criticism well and people considered me a perfectionist though they didn't understand I felt inside like a complete failure. I married twice, both narcissists, the latter one being more cruel and abusive. I now stay to myself as protection.
Ahhh, the perfectionism and feeling like a failure trap. I grew up with this and still deal with it.
I was trotted out as the perfect daughter by my father and even my mom at times. Yet, behind closed doors I was never good enough. I became an approval junkie who felt like a failure at every turn. Every time I got praise from a teacher, coach or my boss and eventually clients I brushed it off because I am always waiting for the part when they tell me I am not good enough and I have failed them.
I have made strides and I am a recovering approval junkie.
I did not know what a narcissist was until 16 years ago and I certainly did not know my dad is a classic narcissist until 16 years ago when I went to therapy. I have a lot of recovery and healing to do but, I am determined and thankfully, I have a wonderful, supportive husband. With the help of therapy, my husband and The Lord...The cycle has been broken and is not passed onto our children.
I'm afraid there are no non-narc men left, that's how many of them I've encountered! - father, ex husband, a cousin, a bunch of ex boyfriends and the current father of my children. Do kind gentleman even exist anymore?
@@curiousjojo4life I'm happy to hear good men still exist! I'm so glad you found one! Praying the Lord brings me one too. I think I need a humble man of God. A man like that must know how to treat a woman!
@@danielledegeorge2129 I will add you in my prayers and pray that the Lord prepares you so, that you are able to discern when the Lord has sent you the husband He has prepared for you. 💕
@@danielledegeorge2129they do! I found one!
And now I suddenly understand why I'm so socially awkward.
I've known/come to see, for a couple of years now, that my mom is a narcissist, meeting the criteria for NPD. I hadn't yet made the connection that my social anxiety is probably due to the abuse I've endured. It suddenly dawned on me when watching this video!
When I'm talking to someone, I don't look at them, and I constantly deal with paranoia that I'll say or do something stupid, or that I'm being annoying, especially if I'm in a group setting. If I talk around new people, it's easy to stumble over my words and go blank. So, I usually end up seemingly very quiet and aloof because I don't want to embarrass myself.
Within 8 months of getting married to my 1st husband, I went from a confident, happy, well spoken person to someone who couldn't even order my own food. I started stuttering and he was so entertained by it. If I got tears in my eyes he would yell and scream at me all the way home and slam doors and then leaves. Not to mention the names and mean accusations that would be said to humiliate me even more. I felt so confused and tried so hard to please him. I went from 122 to 109 within 4 months, starting month 8. He also took food away from me and called me fat. I started shaking when he was coming home. He refused to take the key to the house with him when he would go out at night (5-6 night/wk), and told me he would kick the door in if I didn't answer it within two knocks. Our son woke up every morning at 7am no matter what. So having to stay up until 2 or 3, not knowing when he was coming back meant I got 3-4 hours of sleep and then stayed up with our son all day. I got so sick. I still shake when I remember that life. Even now, 30 years later, if I hear someone walking into the room I'm in, and I am reading a book, I automatically hide it so I don't get in trouble for reading. And yes, I would rather not be in a relationship. But I keep ending up in relationships where I am financially unable to leave and am made to feel like I owe them. So obviously I am still blind at the beginning and don't see the signs before it is too late to run.
What a cruel person he sounds like!! Well, a few things to beware of when you start dating someone are 1) Love-Bombing, which is anyone who pours on the charm, compliments, gives expensive presents inappropriately in the beginning of the relationship. They are trying to suck you in if they do it excessively!! Don't fall for it! 2) They want to try to ISOLATE you from your friends & family, big warning sign! 3) They want to call/text you/see you CONSTANTLY, another big warning sign & they want to "get serious" waaay too soon, talking of marriage, etc.; 4) RIDICULOUSLY JEALOUS of anyone who pays any attention to you. Yes, most people will get jealous in a relationship but the Narc gets INSANELY JEALOUS! Look for the BEGINNING signs of abuse when you first start going out with them, i.e., subtle put-downs and negative remarks about you (said in a mean way!). DO NOT PUT UP WITH DISRESPECT FROM PEOPLE, PERIOD!!!! It will only lead to worse and worse abuse because that's how they start off, disrespecting you more and more. Please beware! Lies...gaslighting, many other signs. Stay alert & aware for the signs, don't be fooled by sweet talk, etc. NEVER let anyone TREAT YOU LIKE DIRT!! You deserve to be treated with RESPECT! If they don't respect you, I'd cut them loose! Please look at some videos here on TH-cam from some psychiatrists who know their stuff and they'll tell you more. God bless and PROTECT YOU!!
I know what you mean about hiding your book when someone comes in. Or feeling like you've got to pack away whatever you were doing, in time to be poised for their entrance, so that whatever happens next can be all about them. My sister and I are both like this, even now, despite her being happily married for 45 years, and me for 23 years. Both our parents did this to us in their different ways: Mum could be quite terrifying if she caught us relaxing or playing instead of "pulling our weight", while Dad would burst in like a whirlwind with a plan of some sort, and whisk us away from what what we were doing, without even noticing that we were already contentedly occupied; then he would give us barely any time to get ready for whatever it was he had planned. So between the two of them, it was very hard to relax and commit to doing anything for yourself. I couldn't imagine learning to paint or sew, or getting into anything that would take longer than 5 seconds to put away like I'd never been doing it. Perhaps this is why I love reading so much (although I didn't own a book until I was about 8); it's the most discreet and tidy of all hobbies!
I’m so sorry for all that you’ve suffered. I hope you find healing.
I'm so sorry! Your story sounds like a true horror! Stay safe, strong and remember, better no one than a bad one.
There are two types of children that come out of narcissistic abuse. The compliant kid or the rebellious kid. I was the rebellious kid. I did everything I could to develop a strong sense of self-assurance. Complements make me uncomfortable, but I smile and say thank you. I don’t apologize unless what I did was morally wrong, because I don’t want to live in someone else’s subjective reality… but eye contact… I just can’t force myself on that one… it is so uncomfortable. I absolutely hate awkward eye contact. 😣
Me too. Look right in between their eyes so you are looking at them but not into the eyes. That helps me appear normal. It might work for you...
l was compliant because l needed to survive there was where else to go. l was bidding my time. l became rebellious after moving away from home and this unleashed the narc rage.
@@Me-xoxoz I’m sorry :( We never wish it on others
@@thislittleweirdgirl332 Thank you. I moved overseas hence the rebellion so that narc rage could no longer control me. The programming was no longer working.
I can become either. I was completely compliant as a kid, saw behind the curtain became rebellious. Then as an adult became compliant again. Once I’m sort of brought to my senses, I’m rebellious again but in a childish way. I hate it.
This is so true. I’m 50 years old, my high school sweetheart and I just got back together. This has come after 11 years of us talking and helping each other. She just got out of a very very bad marriage. Though we’ve been living together for a year now, I still see all the signs of the abuse she suffered. I know she needs time and I will give her all the time she needs. We have the rest of our lives to get through this together.
My mother passed away very recently and I feel nothing but relief. Since I was 12, when my dad left her, she verbally and mentally abused me for the rest of her life. I tried to be her friend for so long, wanting, needing her love but she never gave it. Just because I look exactly like my dad. I grew up with a hateful mother and an absent father. I've been dealing with mental health issues for my whole life, and getting nowhere.
I, literally don't know how to behave if somebody is nice to me.
I fing I think what are they after. I don't trust anyone
I won't be 'nice' to either of you guys, so, dw. 😉
When someone is nice to me, i become very emotional and I start thanking that person for everything, and I know it’s annoying, but I can’t stop. I realized that I’ve never been treated good so that’s why I react that way.
When my daughter’s father in law held the door for me and helped me with my coat, I had tears in my eyes. I wanted to cry so bad, but I didn’t. I thank him, he could see my tears. My ex never treated me like that, I was always following him out carrying babies, diaper bags, etc.
People think it strange that I say “ thank you “ so often. I am grateful for any kindness a person shows towards me. I still don’t trust many people, I try to remain myself some people are thoughtful and kind. I keep my guard up at all times. 8:57
I feel my ex was slowly k… me, if he did, he would have been the poor widow, not the monster he really was.
I pray for all those who have and currently are suffering at the hands of these people. I will let God judge them.
@@theodorawohler2213 Oh I understand you perfectly! I wish we lived in a better world. I was cleaning the yard from leaves and my father in law told me to go inside, so I won’t get cold, so I started crying. I just hate that we have to deal with so many a$$holes these days and we don’t get treated nicely.
Double checking doors is not just about safety. It can also have to do with the fact that the narc might either blame the victim for HIM leaving the door unlocked, or blame the victim if the house house got robbed because the victim didn't double check the door to make sure it was locked because HE left it unlocked when HE was drunk. And those consequences of not picking up his pieces were high.
YES!!! Mine did this all the time. He'd tell me already locked up, and get mad at me and start yelling if I checked behind him. So I would wait until he went to bed and then go double check all the doors and windows.
I still do this every night. I double check myself...
My narc. father was always screaming on "keeping it clean" & he always rubbed it in our faces about being in the military service!! If he saw one cup on the kitchen counter, he went berserk in anger over it & my poor mother was cleaning "all the time" & was lost in her little cleaning world!! She became a l.p.n. nurse but quit after just 3 years in that field & she struggled in school but made it but quit just 3 years later & she also quit driving a car at age 50 after driving 25 plus years!!
@@RonSafreed OMG. My father always bragged about his military service too and demanded the kids keep everything clean all the time rather than be kids. If we didn't then corporal punishment would ensue. This would result in my mom feeling uncomfortable to leave the house out of fear the kids would get blamed and abused and so she CONSTANTLY cleaned all the time to protect us six kids. It made her feel so trapped, miserable, and hyper vigilant. She couldn't get away from him because her nearest family lived 5 states away. We lived in a chronic nightmare.
@@dawn7733, I feel my father when they were alone without us kids around, told her all she needed to do was clean & keep house, cook meals & watch us kids!! Narcissistic spouses hate if the other one works & I feel my father hated my mother going to nursing school & then working in the field!! Also abusive spouses & parents want the family isolated for both sides of the family as well as other friends!! I noticed as I got older, the friends my parents had, they just quit coming around & even communicating say on the phone!! This bothered me As a older kid & teenage youth!! But narcissists will end up with no friends or family later in life!!
@@RonSafreed Your spot on with the fact that narcissists like to isolate their victims from their families and the outside world in order to maintain abusive control of them. Isolating their victims makes it easy to gaslight, brainwash, & trauma-bond them into staying and putting up with the abuse. The narcs also don't like their victims to be independent nor self sufficient out of fear of losing control. It's always about control with them.
Amazing how almost every behavior listed describes me so accurately. I am constantly apologizing, even when I've done nothing wrong. I'll apologize when the other person is wrong. I apologize so often, I'll say *sorry" to a wall or a door for bumping into it or an inatamate object for dropping it. I absolutely cannot take a complement. Cleaning is one of my favorite activities. I could go on. Thank you for sharing this vital information.
Saying thank you repeatedly when a friend does you a favour, unable to believe they would do this for you without wanting to treat you like you are demanding too much of them
This was spot on! Even three years later, he still tries to reel me back in but I won't let him. 💪🏾
Block 'em💯
The stuttering might be fear of being gaslighted. Abuse is a lot about not being believed when you seek help. How accurate can you tell your story before the listener bails out like "Nah, that doesn't sound believable".
For me it was 3 words. I could start a sentence, but I would never get more than 3 words out before getting cut off and soon after having to apologize for something. I still struggle with that sometimes, especially when the dialogue gets a bit tense. My wife (now) often tells me I apologize too much. I don't think anyone who has lived with a real narc for long enough will ever really get over all the symptoms. I'm sooooo much better now than I was before I left, but there's still a little PTSD left, and some of the symptoms listed in the video that will probably never really heal.
@@arielsorensen9192 I'm not stuttering, but when I get too excited I start talking to people but after a few words remember that nobody cares about what I want to say.
"....might be the fear of being gaslighted.."
So true, for me, I grew up needing to speak a certain way in order to not be gaslighted. My stuttering was due to me finding the right words in that moment because any/everything I said could be used against me.
Even in my adult life, for example. I had to say, "for any children you may have", even though the woman I'm speaking to has only one child. This narc mom would have reacted as if I was victimizing her child if I were specific and simply said, "your daughter".
So, "your daughter" becomes "any children you may have"
@@IamKKH I know I changed the way I speak to people based on their weird reactions. Now I mostly try to avoid speaking to people at all.
I grew up with a narcissistic father, and later, I married a narcissist. Thankfully, both are long out of my life now. There are some things I didn't realize I did until watching this and thinking back. My current wife was also in a narcissistic relationship. For the first year together the amount of times we would second guess each other, apologize for no reason, and couldn't fully except the others compliments.
When my grandfather passed, I was incapable of crying or really showing emotion over it. My now wife said "it's ok to cry, I'm here for you." I told her I wanted to, but I couldn't. That's because of my father, I wasn't able to show emotion.
After my ex left, I spent about the first year constantly eating out at full sit-down restaurants and doing things I didn't normally do. Simply because I could without being judged or treated like crap for.
Stuttering when remembering and telling someone about a past experience. Many times I would think "why am I stuttering? I don't stutter". This actually makes sense about it now.
I'm happy that you found a caring current spouse that is understanding. Best wishes to you both
Know your currency, and walk in it. Nothing can touch your authentic you. Keep shining, brothers and sisters.
We weren't allowed to do much as kids, so the one thing we were beaten for is not cleaning well enough. So both me and my sister have an aversion to cleaning so my response is the opposite - I have to force myself to clean. Everything else is true for me though.
We never were beaten up, but the anger in her face, screaming at us, that we hadn't done a thing and then started to clean all we had already cleaned.
Ok, I keep the house clean, but like you, I have to force myself to it.
Otoh I have no problems cleaning the horse boxes, I'm the living proof of that meme :)
I tend to not like cleaning either. My room isn't a mess, but I don't keep it as spotless as is desired.
Context: I'm disabled and live with manipulative, destructive and narcissistic family. Getting out as soon as I can get a car.
@@alexbenjaminlubbers All the best to you, and I hope you can get out soon. 💜
Same for me it's so hard to clean my room sometimes after years of constantly being yelled to clean the house
One ex sabotaged any cleaning and homemaking, ripping new cushions or spilling purposefully to stain things so I became too embarrassed to have people visit. But the most chilling ex husband was OCD soap must be white, in a specific brand, labels must be peeled off, bottles must be replaced at a certain level, towels one per use from one basket folded one way then placed in another basket folded another way every time someone washed their hands... I woke one night with his hands on my throat... prayed and fled shortly after!
Raised by narcs, targeted too young by a lowlife covert, then out the frying pan in to the fire with an overt "pillar of the community" behind the mask of both is the same demonic, mean, murderous, envious imp that I sadly sought acceptance from. Never again. Truth sets you free 🙏✝️❤️
I grew up with a narcissist. My mother was just...an awful person. Being a constant disappointment and also being bullied both inside the homeby her and outside by kids as school meant there was no escape. It messed me up bad.
My mother didn't do her own bullying, she got my older sister to do it for her. That way she kept her own hands clean and could play the martyred mother really well.
I’ve been going through narcissistic abuse daily. I can’t get out because it has affected my health too much! But yeah this is true. But when you tell someone you are being abused by a narcissist they brush you off and don’t get it, but if you say I’m being beat then they listen. It’s a hard abuse to talk about because others don’t know what it is and don’t believe it can harm you. It can HARM YOU!!!
If the narcissistic abuse has affected your health, it'll only get worse the longer you stay. Like being in a slow crash. I hope you are able to get up the strength to get out.
@@lesliejabine1783 Thank you. It’s to the point it’s soo bad I can’t leave. I pray that I get a miracle and I can get out before he kills me literally! If you only knew the whole truth I would be on the 5:00 news as one of the worst abuse victims ever. No joke.
@@tessamohler3021I got ill and got the chance to get away from the narcissist, I had with me constantly 24 /7 having been almost passing out I needed an ambulance.I was finally able to tell someone what was happening when getting checked over ,my blood pressure must have gone haywire with stress ect ,the trash caused me of faking it months after..
You can ALWAYS leave
If you can't, the only thing left is to tell Jes-us it is too big for you. Can He please do it for you, before you die from him. I was there too. I'm free.
My mom is a covert narcissist and as I got older she backed down a bit to my face but to all my neighbors she would try to make fun of me or talk crap about me. Thankfully my neighbors know me very well and realize that my mom was the one being weird, so they told her to stop coming over. But I started getting pissed at her and putting my foot down. She always wanted power over me and if I didn’t have my dad in my corner, she would’ve gotten everything of mine and crumbled me. Even something as little as a first car, a $3,000 little bug she absolutely had to have in her own name instead of mine. I thought I was never going to get a car until my dad stepped in and said he’ll be paying for majority of it and if she doesn’t want to spend all her money, the car is to be in my name only so she can’t take it when she gets mad at me. It worked and that was the best feeling ever. These moments kept going even until now 10 years later and I’ve moved two states away 😊
Recovery is possible! We can do it! I still ask my husband what he wants when he’s nice to me (which is all the time) bc I still dont trust the nice things anyone says. I love this man for his understanding ways ❤ and a big thanks to my dad for stepping in when he had to bc that helped my personal growth so much more than I think he’ll ever know. (He’s not my biological dad, he’s my God Father bc my bio dad walked out of my life when I was in elementary school)
I spent years with a narcissist which in turn gave me narcissistic traits. A year out now and im still in pain but my emotions are coming back. All the negatives are becoming positive again. And im shedding those traits and regaining what made me me. Know theres hope know you are special and unique. Dont let them dim your shine.
Thanks for the positivity! I am trying!
I’ve seen way too many of these videos or articles that always portray narcissistic abuse in couples primarily, but if not, they often show the man as being the abuser and woman as being the victim. I’m a heterosexual woman in my 50’s. I’m single and I’ve experienced it with men and female relatives or friends. It is OFTEN the case where it’s a man abusing his spouse or coworker but not always. I just wish these video demonstrations would show some cases where it’s the man being abused by the female spouse or his mother or his boss. I think it’s important to balance it out.
as a man i agree with this. most men would not speak out about their abuses because of social norms not excepting men having issues. i have parents both with these issues and it took me til i was in my late 20s to start figuring out where all my issues came from. now i know and im not even sure how to address them because i know it will start a war.
I absolutely agree. Narc women can be as awful as narc men can be, especially mothers towards their children.
Thank you for this comment! I was about to say the same thing. Narc men are often violent and very obvious in their manipulation but women narcs can be downright super manipulative and equally dangerous.
I was abused by a female narc but I also suffer from narc parents . So I agree I wish these videos were more diverse in its scenarios
@@CyanSkiesthey’re dangerous indeed…
Thank you for helping those of us who have been fortunate enough to escape. After six years I still struggle to let my heart out and be vulnerable. To the lovers and givers keep being beautiful and take advantage of all those little blessings
This video shed light on so much of who I am and why. My narc abuse has been my whole life. Born 3 months early due 2 abuse. Thank you universe 4 shedding the light so I could see this.
One of the most maddening things about it is that there is no payoff or satisfactory resolution.
I've got a certain someone in mind, and my sense of justice wants to tell him off, make him understand what he did to her, and punish him. Possibly make an "impact adjustment" to his head just for good measure.
But that never works. They don't get it. They won't get it. They are incapable of taking responsibility. They'll just gaslight, deflect, and use their evil verbal jujitsu to throw you off balance. Because they don't operate within the realm of morality and decency like healthy people do to resolve issues.
Your best shot at satisfaction is:
1) Knowing that they're not controlling you anymore, and
2) Knowing that THEY know they're not controlling you anymore.
Very good writing! You could be a professor! Yeah, it is sad because it is difficult to meet non narcissists. I call them know it alls. I covered it in my 2021 book TALKING TO MYSELF by Mike Hayne
I had a friend/ co-worker point #7 out to me, that I am constantly apologizing because of what I’ve been through. He says I don’t have to! I have done most of these. And still do! And I don’t think I ever want to get married again. Or even be in a romantic relationship. I don’t want to be controlled, hurt or taken for granted again! I like being alone. I do have my kids, grandkids and the rest of my family!
I’m right there with you.
I understand !!!
I know whow life is now.
I was with toxic person for more than 20 years.
I still suffering and my kids.
He past almost 4 years ago.
It’s funny. Number 6 caught me so off guard I started crying. I was like “IS THAT WHY I DO THAT!?” I knew it had to do something with fear of being misunderstood or wanting to explain in such a way that effectively says “this is why I am the way I am.”
As a woman who had a narcissist mother and have only attracted narcissist men I don't like men complimenting me is because I connect it with love bombing. Love bombing is ALL I've ever known. So with that being said, I wouldn't recognize a healthy man if I saw it. I suffer with complex ptsd and am trying to heal. I'm 60yrs old now and have found a relationship with God and focus on myself. Videos like this and the Bible/prayer are very helpful. I realize I'll probably never fully recover but isolation is a necessity during this time. It's rough being a empath or should I say a narcissist magnet. I will never date again because the peace I have now is wonderful that I don't want to give it up.
I totally get it!!! God bless you.
Just woke up from a trauma nightmare. It's been years. But it's still haunting me. This time it was because I was reading with the light on, and he wanted to watch a movie in the dark. I'm exhausted. I can't even find rest in my sleep.
You deserve to be safe asleep. My you overcome all the abuse that was done to you... May not my
It does get better with time. Hang in there and take good care of yourself.
Wow, my mother cleaned the house compulsively and, what is more, she used housecleaning as a kind of weapon to abuse my sister and me. She was extremely controlling.
Now both my sister and I have a hard time cleaning our houses.
And I am extremely independent. I spend a lot of time alone. It does make me feel more in control.
Same with me, my place I admit is a mess with clutter, but when I was a kid my narc father would go ape/bat sheet crazy over one cup on the kitchen counter & would rub it in about cleanliness in the military service!! My mother retreated into a world of just keeping the house clean!! She quit her nursing job of only 3 years & stopped driving a car at age 50 after driving 25 plus years!! She left home one day & for 4 years we did not know where she was!! My narc. father did not care & I was the one to go & put in a missing person's report at the local police station!!
@@RonSafreed Wow!
I will give you three more. When sitting in a room, they will pick a spot that allows them full view of exits and entrances. They can need to have a clear escape route. They also need to know who is coming and going.
They may change their hair often. Sometimes, it's all they can control.
They don't like someone else locking the door.
Home run on these.
I have never known a victim of Narc Abuse to be over cleaners. Usually it is the opposite and they tend to hoard stuff, be it animals, clothing or food. Can't imagine why. (Sarcasm)
I'm someone that over cleans and I also struggle with hoarding stuff as I used to feel almost an emotional attachment to my belongings. I used to clean the house for my mum being the oldest of 5 kids, cleaning was the only way I learned that I could get praise. As a kid I performed all types of cleaning behaviours that no normal kid would be thinking about doing in there spare time. I used to go through the food cupboard and throw away expired food. I'd have the house vacuumed and dishes and laundry done because my mum was in a better mood that way and she might even thank me. I used to sweep the bricks outside and hose them down on my own accord so it looked clean only to be scolded by my dad about wasting water. I once started cleaning the bricks at my aunties house because it was dirty and she said to me in a sarcastic way "Chris (her partner) would love you" and at the time that was a big compliment but I think about why she didn't stop me and encouraged me to play but I rarely got a thanks it was only mentioned when it wasn't done. As an adult I do spend a large amount of time cleaning the house and my car as I start getting stressed and depressed if things are dirty. I start feeling like I am ungrateful and causing harm by not doing it
I know a woman who’s controlled by a volatile narcissist and she rarely looks me in the eye when we are speaking. I pointed this out and she looked me straight on and it was unsettling - over the top staring. She doesn’t know how to have a normal conversation, where looking someone in the eyes is a form of normal human connection.
I went through narcissistic abuse for 6 years. I didn’t realize how bad my situation was until I was out. Here are some things I developed and I’m currently in treatment for:
1. Anticipatory Anxiety- I’m unable to trust the future. I have full on panic attacks thinking about it. When I have important events coming up, I often find myself worried sick, ruminating about various outcomes…almost always negative in nature.
2. My OCD became more aggressive. I have struggled with ocd since childhood. In the form of somatic ocd. I had an eating disorder due to the fear of swallowing my food (assuming I’d choke) after the trauma of my abusive marriage, my ocd materialized in many types of ocd. From magical thinking, more aggressive somatic obsessions and intrusive thinking (in the form of suicidal ideation).
3. Timidity and rigidity. I became easily frightened by sudden movements and noises.
4. Overexplaining. A habit I didn’t have before my abuse. I find myself over-explaining myself. Believing that if I don’t, I’ll be criticized unfairly and harshly.
5. Agoraphobia. The first year when I left my abusive marriage, I was unable to go places without feeling an overwhelming sense of unease and panic. I’d be certain that it would end me, if I didn’t hurry back home into my room, in my bed. Leaving the house was terrifying.
I still have a long way to go but I’m doing much better now. Stay strong but be kind to yourself everyone.
18 yrs ago I got out of my abusive narc marriage. Went to therapy and was diagnosed the EXACT same things as you with the same description verbatim. 14 yes of shotty therapy from different social workers and Im not much better. as Some of them were abusive as well. Everything sucks. Hope it worked for you.
@@staceyjackson1985 I’m so sorry to hear that and I relate. Some things are much better while others are a constant work in progress. All I can say is that continuously challenging yourself even if it’s small, has been what helps me. Keeping it consistent and making it daily practice to step out of my comfort zone, allows me to gain footing and be confident. You got this. 💝
This really blew my mind, as I certainly can relate and resonates my behaviour after having a narcissistic family member I worked for. After 2 years I still struggle to leave my home and just enjoy my own company. Too scared to let anyone into my safe zone and get anxiety if I have to go out, but can’t be away for a long period (over an hour or so) without needing to get home asap.
I just enjoy zoning out sorting my plants, which is my happy place of my mindset.
Never again will I allow anyone to treat me ever like this again.
Yep, I didn’t realize the cleaning thing was connected. That’s a new one. Now I understand why I do that, too.
Having myself exposed to danger does not scare me at all anymore. It could be the escape needed for so long. On the otherhand, I still pray for protection. I don't know why.
Because we need protection? I have the same thing going on which you mentioned. I experience a sense of protection even when I don't ask looking back. In the moment "dying scared" and can't or won't pray and feel unprotected. May The Almighty protect us, ameen
I sleep with my door locked and am hyper vigilant of my surroundings. I also pray for protection and will pray for you as well.
I do not fear death I have looked it in the face many times…….
These people are so lost. It is sad. But you cannot allow your emotions to weigh you down in that aspect. Pray for them keep moving on.
OMG that's me.
As a teen, I turned down every guy that asked me out because I thought they were just trying to trick me. I didn't believe that anyone could actually like me. I didn't have my first real BF until I was 22. I had a guy I liked when I was 16 and I thought he liked me too. But he was only using me. So that solidified in my mind that people only want to use me. No one actually liked me.
Its surprising how many narcissists dont like getting smacked in the mouth. They dont want anything to do with you after that. 😂
😂
Unfortunately this is not true, especially in romantic relationships.
😂they dip FIRST..once you wise up and they see ,feel or experience that confrontation...man ....wish I could have got that in!😅
I hit mine back once and she decided to put me in the hospital...5 yrs after I've gone no contact with her she still constantly finds ways to get in contact with me. It's exhausting. Kinda just waiting on the phone call that she's died so I can live in peace.
I hit mine and got beat tf up bad. Wasn’t worth it
The Body Keeps Score. No matter how much the abusers gaslight, lie, deceive, hide, continue their perverse twisted mindset of abusing then victim blaming manipulating anyone they think they can successfully lie to, to continue the abuse, eventually their toxic existence will be exposed. Especially as their rotting interior becomes more decrepit as they age and more difficult to deceive others. As one of my incredible insightful adult children described the abusers I grew up with, "Sucks to be them".
Ty for explaining how deteriorating Narcissistic abuse can be on the person going through the living hell. I was married to Three Narcissists and dated two seriously. Thank God I a sensitive Empath am currently Narc free and through psychological help, massive research and God I at 72 have FINALLY found complete peace within. Crucially, I would have preferred enlightenment years ago, however NOW seeing these sick creatures for what they truly are has given me complete freedom to live a happy life, free from any unhappiness these awful unenlightened nasty types prefer to spread onto genuinely kind and caring people. I am a true believer in reap what you sow. TY for speaking positive and uplifting words!🙏😇🥰
As a fellow empath, I am so happy for your peace
All of these are true. I’ve been free from that relationship for over a decade yet some of these symptoms still show up. I realize it is trauma… I will say this, Jesus has truly set me free from a lot of this trauma and layer by layer healing the deeper trauma. I am so grateful. My incredible husband was so patient with me through the years of me dealing with this trauma. I’m not a victim…I am wiser and not fooled easily…I’d say that what was meant to take me down God used it to serve me well and now I don’t put up with bs. I can spot the behavior a mile away. It’s served me well even in my business dealing with narcissistic behavior. I don’t tolerate it anymore. They don’t get to manipulate me anymore.
I know the feeling…I talk to few people and trust few too. Too many are out for themselves and don’t help others who need it. Not saying people should help everyone who asks, but if you know good and don’t do it, if you’re a Christian it’s sin to you. If you’re not a Christian, it’s why people turn real cold and when the love of man grows cold, the north pole might be a vacation destination, so to speak. Not literally, but love won’t be easily recognizable, sensed, or understood. Words for thought..
I had a pastor for 5 years & he was a narcissist & he abused his loving/beautiful wife & son!! He conditioned his son to be beaten by a belt when he was told the beating was coming & was even done out in the front yard of the house so all the neighbors could see!! This pastor kept other churches from being started because he wanted everyone around to come only to his church!!
AMEN, JESUS CHRIST HEALS!!!!!!!
The worst part of it is that you have no idea you are walking into a morbid , insidious trap until it's too.late. it's too bad they don't walk around with some type of clue like an internal warning light blinking on and off . Caution !
Yes. A big N tattooed on their forehead. Wanted ten yrs.
Think about this all time .. 🙏
Yes . They are a menace to society and should be branded for the horrific abuse that a narcissist inflicts
Im thinking
A tattoo on the end of their nose. Pinocchio... Liar.
that very thing just happened to me the person who called himself a friend always over using the words i love you instead of taking responsibility for his abusive actions i knew it was coming he plays the guilt card with me telling me that i'm the one who always mistreats him , i'm still hoping that he will leave my life on his own asap. cuz like i found out that there is no absolutely no excuse for any form of abuse. and i also realized that when your abuser starts trying to shift the blame from off them and turn it on you the less you react verbally the better but it also reveals their true colours. and you will know that it is you that is doing the more than right thing for you and those who are also sadly affected by this evil that Narcissism truly is. Just kick those people out of your life asap. and thank you again so much for these awesome videos . they sure do help me and give me the courage to stand up again and just say (( No More )) !!!!!!!!
I check my hair before I go downstairs, every time, lest it receive criticism for not being perfect. I am in the habit of not speaking up because I will only be dismissed or criticized.
Please don't let anyone treat you like that ever again!!! YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH LOVE & RESPECT!!!