Narcissistic Parents: Things You CAN'T Count On Them For
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 มิ.ย. 2024
- Learn 7 expectations and behaviors that narcissistic parents consistently fall short of, yet you remain stuck because you continue expecting them.
👇🏼Join 'The Scapegoat Recovery Workshop' on December 2nd👇🏼join.jerrywiserelationshipsys...
Other ways I can help you👇🏼
🔥Access my FREE Training - "Build The Differentiated-Self You Were Never Allowed To Have!"
jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...
🔥🔥🔥 Join the 'Self-Differentiation Recovery' Program: Get your family of origin of you and stand strong as your differentiated SELF in relationships and life. program.jerrywiserelationship...
🔥🔥🔥 Coaching packages & solutions:
www.jerrywiserelationshipsyst...
🌐 More free recourses on my website:
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
➡️ Recommended Playlists:
Outgrowing dysfunctional family Patterns- • Outgrowing Narcissisti...
Break Free From Narcissistic Parents & Families- • Breaking Free from Nar...
Adult Children of Alcoholics: Heal & Change The Pattern - • Alcoholic Narcissistic...
➡️ You can find me also on:
Instagram: / jerrytwise
Facebook: / jerrytwise
Twitter: / jerrytwise
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/3DKjGLp...
For over 45 Years, Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC has helped 1000s of People in the Same Situation as You… As a family system and self-differentiation coach, he uses his knowledge to help clients permanently get unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to substitute for professional counseling help. Be sure to consult a professional in helping you with these integrate and utilize these concepts.
🔥Access my FREE Training - "Build The Differentiated-Self You Were Never Allowed To Have!"
jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...
If you're finally ready to get your dysfunctional family out of you and enjoy a life free of its toxic grip, here's how I can help
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
Hey Jerry, have you considered staggering your uploads a bit?
I think it takes some time for each one to soak in. And if you wanted to take another break for several months like the one that ended a couple months ago, having a backlog that could just go up automatically each week would give us consistency instead of periods with no videos and periods with many per week
@@poiewhfopiewhf thanks for your feedback. The team has been working hard to make sure we don’t go into ‘TH-cam breaks’ in the foreseeable future. I hope to eventually increase the uploads to 3 or 4 times a week. The way I see it is, the sooner and faster this information is out there the more people have an opportunity to heal and get the help they need to recover. I prefer not to hold back on uploads and allow you and everyone to choose when to watch the videos. I trust that If uploads are too frequent, you can always choose to watch it at a later date that works better for you. And it will be there when you are ready.
Thank you for watching and following my work
Can’t afford those prices 😔
They will help people in a heartbeat but it’s really for they themselves.
@@marianneodell7637you need to prioritize what's important to you and your health. Watching videos can help
They never apologize. Their ego is more important than their relationships to their children.
They never apologise because they think that they have done nothing wrong. They think their bad behaviour is normal & you are the one who is not normal.
That is what my mother thinks anyway.
My dad was the same way. I had to go no contact and it’s been over 12 years. Everything was my fault including his and my mom’s divorce he is obviously delusional. He’s been through two divorces and poor him is the victim in both. Narcissists are heartless whack jobs.
They will never apologize to anyone. But, they are very good at forcing everyone else to apologize when they've done something wrong!
Yes 💯
I am slowly learning it’s them, in my case my ‘mother’, NOT me.
Gotta disentangle from this very sick enmeshment.
Whenever anyone said I was pretty as a young girl, my mother would say, Handsome is as handsome does,” deflecting the compliment. BTW she was very beautiful.
They won't stand up for you. If you have a problem with someone else they will take their side over yours
Yes, including chosing their golden child (& their children) over you, the scapegoat (& your children). It really hurts & is hard to process... especially when growing up, your parent pointed out that we kids were less loved by their grandparents. Family cycle repeated. 💔
Yuuuuup! My mom sided against me in a custody dispute. Once I got custody, she kept calling CPS on me. I found documentation of daily lies about bad things I was doing on her calendar. She wanted to take my son from me because SHE was a great parent, and I am horrible. I don't know where she is, if she is alive, don't care.
Who are these people? God gives you this little precious person, you love it, you teach it, you train in the way it should go. Unless it wants to be evil, of course at that time your parental
Rights are gone. Then courts are so stupid they want to swear on the Bible but forbid it’s rules. I was told
I had to take God out of the conversation about my daughters brain, sadly I paused for a good second, then replied, “ it’s not possible to take the creator out of His Creation. You and no one will ever tell me to take God out again.” Haven’t seen her since then, been over two years last month. She was so beautiful, he hated her beauty it took
Away from him. He has her face so pierced they say you can’t even recognize her. I’ll remember her just the way she was. I also know that just because he plucked her out of my hand, he can NEVER pluck her from my Father’s hand. So
I know I will see her again, when I see her again, she will be even more beautiful, if that’s possible. Thank You God for my boys, they are almost pretty they are both so handsome. They are workers, they are so good, I get so many compliments, yet I’m not allowed to see my daughter. No one said life would be fair. But I’m finding a peace that almost passed me up. Once again, Thank you Heavenly Father.
Yes so true.
Yes. I am 56 yrs old and my parents still do that to this very day. Its bizarre.
Yes-the narcissist parent cannot celebrate their children. They celebrate their awesome parenting. A narcissistic parent cannot tolerate a child being better looking, more intelligent, talented, humorous, and/or fun than them. Their teen and adult children are a threat to be beaten down. Life is one giant competition for them.
My god .. this is so true. Am glad u said it. Excellent point.
Interesting you mentioned this.
I've been criticized for the eating habits that cured my high cholesterol by my Mom calling me obsessed.
My weight loss was key and strategies to achieve it I took worked and my blood cholesterol is normal, kept the pounds off ; *then she admits she wishes to have the "willpower" I have when it's not will power, it's common sense* : I ,outta common sense, learned how to be healthy, you do it... *Common Sense* !!!!!
OMG my mom even slept with my boyfriends! Competition from puberty till she got alzheimers
Yes!!!!
This is so insane
The sad truth is narsisistic parents won't really do anything for you but damage you for life.
While making it “look like” the opposite..
@@BB-fo5mrLike mine
Yep!!
Vengeance. Well, we may be trapped. But it's made for a lot of artistic writing my dad is unaware of. Best for him, as it'd kill him to know.
He would take credit for it, act like you owed him. And he would convince everyone you did owe him…
The nearest thing to an apology that you will ever get from a narcissistic parent is “I did the best I could” or “I’m sorry that you feel that way”. This shifts the blame right back onto you
truth....
my mom is like this
Here's one " I have no control over what my children do"
Exactly.
not even that! A narc doesnt have empathy or self reflection.
It goes both ways, a narc. Doesn't want to accept "they did the best they could"
1. 1:15 They don’t have doubts or regrets.
2. 2:22 They don’t do good when nobody is watching.
3. 3:58 They can’t react in an appropriate way.
4. 5:10 They can’t leave room for your feelings, thoughts, ideas, or beliefs.
5. 5:58 They can’t comfort you when you are mistreated by others.
6. 8:04 They will never stop manipulating, humiliating, or devaluations you.
7. 10:28 They can’t celebrate your successes UNLESS they can take credit for it.
Thanks for basically outlining my Mother🙈
All points so very true!!
@@evathiessen2244not all. I am no narcissist but have no regrets. I always made the best decision I could under the circumstances. Moreover, with God as my guide I can avoid pitfalls.
Thank you for the list. Saved me the time
@@rifles_up2263same here!;)))
My father had just died from metastatic bladder cancer. My mother and I were sitting in the room on either side of him. I was devastated when she looked across at me and said " You may have lost a father, but I have lost my husband." A true statement, but one that caused me great pain as she was reminding me that ,yet again, my feelings weren't as important as hers. That my grief was insignificant compared to hers.
"...... exactly. You may have lost a husband, but I just lost my father!" We don't just have "a" father. We only have one. You can have many husbands.
Wow normally a parent would think the opposite, a mother always think about their childrens feelings first. Sending my condolences 💐
My condolences!❤
My mother in law said those exact words to me as I tried to comfort her after my father in law died. The words weren't directed at me but at my husband and his 3 siblings. I was shocked by this callous, selfish statement. How could a mother be so unfeeling about her children's grief? It changed the way I viewed my mother in law and it allowed me to start seeing her real nature and the narcissist hiding in plain sight all those years.
My dad is currently battling stage 4 tongue cancer, my MIL tried to tell her about her experience with her dad, my mother responded "but this is my HUSBAND, its worse bla bla", she's made this whole thing about herself, how much she has to drive, how long HER days was "waiting for my dad to get chemo", how much admin she has to do with medical aid, how tough her days are.... never ever does she mention what my dad could possibly be going through, not once, it's all about HER
It's tough enough dealing with life; but when your own parents set you up for failure it's absolutely heart crushing. 😢
Omg yes!
Correct
100%
Sadly, yes😢
💥And then they'll blame the target for inevitably failing....🤔💭 It's like, 😃👍Thank you so much for the support, really appreciate it‼️
Narcissists also tend to judge people by standards they will never be judged by. Ever.
Excellent point!
They judge themselves by those impossible standards , and everyone else with them .
There are more narcissists than good people
@@derekmaullo2865There can't be more consummate cheaters than healthy humans there's no logical way to support that.
Yep.
Narcissistic parents never regret. They will never accept their mistakes.
NEVER!!!!!!
@@OlgaHolger I'm sure you could find a way to make them regret.
It'll probably get bloody though.
The compromise is being forgiven even at times when you think you might receive an apology
True they turn it round on you, then call you ungrateful.
So we can fight back every time.
They never say I am sorry ,or apologise for anything,and don't do anything wrong,and the world thinks they are so lovely and sweet but they never tell the truth
They also take advantage of the need for an apology. People's emotions are their trading stock.
You just described my mother
What they never do is say “Well done!”
Very true!
But they will say "I taught you well" ...
I was born into a hive of narcissists. Took decades to rid myself of them but I am so familiar with that personality type that I'm only "comfortable" around such people. Girlfriends, employers, friends all have these toxic traits and I'm so damaged by it that I don't feel I deserve any better. Escaping my family just caused me to miss them and replace them with similar types of people. The scars run deep. I wish I felt deserving to be around healthy people... but if they did befriend me, I would inadvertently damage them too. The sick gift that keeps on giving I suppose. I stay alone as much as possible because I care to not spread this disease.
they will boast about you when youre not around if it improves their standing. but they will never tell you directly.
My NP told me several times growing up when I went to them for acknowledging accomplishments. "You don't get a pat on the back for a good job." So basically the message, I see your faults son, you'll never be good enough.
Having narcisistic parents/family means you're by your own in company of people you can't count on 100% on anything.
Absolutely 100%.
Well said
Аt least you don't care, when they die.
I don't know. Seems like I could always count on being betrayed. Never let me down! 🥴
🎯Yep, 100%‼️
When I met my husband to be, my mother told him the story of my birth. While in the recovery room, they brought me out and showed me to her. She responded with “nice baby” which she said she was trying to be nice. The nurse had to tell her that I was hers…..she responded that she doesn’t have redheaded babies. She then said that the nurse had to “convince her” that I was hers. What a horrible thing to say. Once, I got dressed up for a Christmas work party, which my friend invited me to, since she didn’t have a date. My dad came into the room and saw me dressed up. He whistled and told me those boys are going to have to be beaten off. He left, then my mother yelled out….”You look like sh*t.” I will never forget that. She said it with such hatred. She made me go out and get a job at 13 yo. Told me if I needed clothes, I would have to buy them myself. These are just a few of the things. I try very hard to stay away from her and when I do see her, my blood boils.
Now at 82 yo, she is trying to be nice because she has spent her money and needs someone to take care of her. I hope my other sisters are up for the job, because I have fired myself. 😀
Don't give her the time of day
I like what Minister Joyce Myer said when God told her in her heart, to take care of her parents. She thought it was crazy, but in the end, she did take care of them because it was what God asked her to do. I did the same for my mom. My sister passed one morning in 2015 and my mom was transferred to a local hospital. After three days, the hospital needed to transfer her to a local old folks home. I was the only one in the family who had the money to pay for the first month costs of the old folks home. After the first month, her insurance paid. So, I did what I thought was best. Did I want to pay? Sometimes no, sometimes yes. Typically the only time that she ever called me was to borrow money, never to say hello or to ask me how my life was going. But I am glad that I did.
Honor before feelings,you did the right thing!!!@@veltonmeade1057
I also had to work at 12 (cleaning my grandfather’s disgusting apartment) so that I had money for clothes for school. This is despite the fact that my mother had most of a walk in closet worth of clothes and they weren’t broke. We lived in a really nice house in a prestigious area.
Before anyone says that she was trying to teach me “values” or “skills”; I grew a few inches over one summer and my clothes didn’t fit me. I had no choice but to wear them to school. Water was also rationed in my house, I often had to use my brother’s filthy bath water after his turn. Because of this, I had no friends in school and was also bullied.
She did finally start buying me some clothes the following school year. I have no idea why she finally did, no discussion as to why she previously didn’t.
Lastly: she did buy new clothes for herself during this time. Some of the clothes in her closet perhaps could have fit me, though a bit large. A sweater or turtleneck would have been a +
Poor u. I feel yeah. If I had a smudge of lipstick on my face b 4 going out, she won't tell me.
There has been no greater joy than seeing the look on my mothers face when I received the honor of valedictorian of nursing school. She was seated directly in front of me in the audience. I have never been more proud. She has never been so shocked. I will long remember watching her expression change, the fake smile as she released her hands from their grasp and gave me the golf clap, looking around the room. Her teeth nearly fell out of her head. That's the moment when I finally owned my own life and had the courage to believe in myself. Find your courage and be proud of yourself.
My ignoring narc mother would have made an excuse not to be there at all.
@@BlackSheep380 my dad wouldn't even come. He passed away 2 years later. You are not alone.
Well done kara. Splendid achievement.
Fuck, that is sick
@karlasheives2865 Congratulations to you for graduating from nursing school and being valedictorian! Wow! You did that despite having a narcissistic mom! I love that you got to see her shocked reaction at finding out your success in a public area and then watching her shocked expression turn to fake happiness when she had to face people! Yes! Best wishes for a wonderful career!😃🙋♀️
I am shocked to read all the comments. So many of us had a dysfunctional Family unit 😢
Yes, there are a lot of us.
It weird seeing other peoples families and realising yours isn't normal.
*demonic
Family units
Funny theyre so hateful n judgmental but the only ones who look bad to everyone else are the ones with empathy....
While the one who punches women in the face n is pushin late 40s n cant keep his droolin tongue in his mouth when a 14 yr old walks past is the good one.....
not surprising as everyone coming here probably had a narcissistic parent. What shocked me is when I took the ACEs score. I got a 7/10 thinking that was "low" (lol) because I figured everyone had a messed up family. I was shocked to learn that 33% of people don't even have a score of 1 !!!
Like, who are these normal people and how come they don't rule the world? I mean I'm joking but I sometimes feel like I'd be a billionair if I didn't have to deal with the scars of the past on a daily basis.
Our daughter was being brutally bullied in middle school by a group of vicious, jealous teenage girls - to the point where I was actually worried that she might try to hurt herself. I would go to the school and discuss with the principal ways to attempt to stop it…without making it worse. The principal was engaging and willing to work with me - because he could see it playing out, himself. But, when I spoke to her father about it, all he said was, “Well, she must have done something to deserve it”. Dismissed!!! I couldn’t believe it! Especially, the word ‘deserve’…shook me to my core. He had not one single ounce of compassion, or worry for her well-being. And zero support for me, in working with the principal to resolve it. He is now my ex, and life is just so much ‘less lonely’…without him.
Wow!! I cheered reading your story and was thinking to myself, “she needs to divorce from this guy” I was relieved to read your decision to divorce your husband!
Your daughter must have a tremendous amount of respect for you but more importantly, a sense of respect for herself knowing that her worth was protected and defended. She will have a solid sense of self at this. I come from a family of weak and emotionally absent men who, although were physically present in my life, stood idly by while other family and friends would take a dig at me. In many ways, it’s better to cut such people out of your life than to “keep the peace” which somehow only seems to do more damage anyway!
That's why your daughter got into this situation at the first place - because her father never stood up for her. She didn't know what to do in these cases and had no support from him. That's why she was so vulnerable. Most likely you felt the same way with you husband, but you made a very good move.
How did it work out for her, with the bullying?
Yup, "You must have done something to deserve it/annoy them" was what I'd get from my mother.
My dad was a victim of narcissistic abuse. That was in the 20s and 30s, my ex was one too. In the 80s. No one knew either. Who knew back than. Now we know more.
Man I just wanna give everyone in the comments a big damn hug as it makes me so sad and mad that you guys couldn't rely on your mums / parents in these difficult situations.
Hug accepted. And here's one for you (((((hug)))))
Thank you, my parents caused most of my difficult situations & any other I was left to sort for myself & "it served you right". My mum's description of me was that I was "nowt special" & my MIL is as bad, when phoning to let her know a cancer test for her son went okay, she answered "June who ?", been her DIL for 40 years.
Please no, I'm touch adverse and it's been a lot of work for me to accept a hug without shaking.
@@kylehawk9055 forgive me
yuck. people touching me. yuck. I've learnt that just leads to betrayal
My Narc parents said the severe bullying in elementary and middle school that i exoerienced was "My fault ." and "You're weird, so people dont like you..." "You'll NEVER have any friends..."
Im "weird" because Im autistic. They never got me help, so I went undiagnosed until i was 26, and im almost 32 now. Its whatever now, but nobody should have to experience this..
Relate to the Autism thing as i am 39 waiting for diagnoses for nearly 3 years. Figured it out myself
Wow I’m glad your thriving don’t look back keep going forward much love to you❤
I am not autistic but I've heard exactly the same
I’m sorry you had to go through that!! I send you lots of Love and Healing ❤️🩹!!! May You continue to grow and flourish and Love every ounce of yourself regardless of who else does or does not! No one’s opinion of You matters but Your very own! 🤗
Been there had my colon removed at for accute ulcerative colitis... spent 10 year plus struggling with surgery related complications... it was all in my head... I was sad and that was why my tummy hurt ... no shit... simular to u I was undiagnosed autistic my whole life and as I'm sure u know that alone causes all kinds if problems
When I graduated from university with a degree in Psychology and Sociology, my mother suggested I get a job as a custodian and scrub toilets for a living! Talk about not celebrating my successes!
Because your mother feels insecure, doesn't make it right for her to put you down. Her loss. Your gain, all around, congrats on graduating in Psychology and Sociology!
I experienced the same... understand what you feel😢
My mom does the same thing. She gets offended when I explain why I'm not interested in doing her suggestion.
Oh my... I know that dynamic! Let me tell you about when, as the scapegoat, I got a Ph.D. ... and nothing. That was like getting hit in the head with a plank of hardwood, but at least I finally realized how messed up the family dynamics were that they messed up such a major social ritual.
Exactly. I was never good enough for my mother.
The only thing you can count on from them is a lifetime's worth of trauma and damage it will take years and years to unpack and recover from.
62 and still recovering.
Yep. Still dealing with it.
I'll be 40 this year, and I've just started unpacking it all....
Yep, nearly 60 & still recovering.
66 and working at it every day.
It's exhausting!
✌️ Peace to and for us all!
This is why they end up alone with no family connections. They don’t have friends, they can’t even relate to others having healthy relationships with their kids. They never are happy for others - just very jealous & envious.
Some people like myself prefer to be alone... Too many dishonest people in this world now... that doesn't mean they are a narcissist....
my mom doesn't have friends, she has employees
@@YOUR-WORD-IS-YOUR-BONDnot all alone folk are lonely. not all lonely people are narcissist. but narcissists tend to end up alone. of course they won't tell anyone that they're lonely. unless of course they blame their loneliness on you.
sorry for my bad English.
@fidellerosa Your English is fine... Because someone is alone doesn't mean they are a narcissist... But I get what you're saying! As a matter of fact, narcissists won't be alone. They can't stand being alone...
@@fidellerosa Your mom has employees. I like that! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I'm most like around your mom's age....
Now I understand why some people say it’s hurts more to lose a pet then losing a human.
Sometimes just reading the comments is healing because I know for a fact that I am not alone on this journey of discovery & healing from Narc abuse.
This.
So so true. In high school I had an issue with a teacher giving me a B. I had all the evidence that I should have gotten an A. I told my mother. And she said I will send a letter to the teacher. She gave it to me to take to the teacher. I thought it was strange when the envelope was sealed up. I took the letter to school thinking she was on my side. I decided to open it up before I gave letter to the teacher. To my surprised she talked about me and humiliated me so bad to the teacher. I threw her letter away. And when I got home I told her I opened up letter and I cried and asked her why she did this to me. She didn't say a word. I knew then I couldn't count on her for support as my mother
I had a teacher who was failing me on purpose. I did my homework and checked the answers to make sure everything was perfect. He got away with it only because the narc mom didn't care. All she said is why would someone lie on you unless you did something. Multiple other students had the same issue, and we actually got together and went to the principal. They bullsh*tted us because we were kids. I would have done so much better in school if not for her. She constantly interrupted me while doing homework. She also screamed non-stop, without ever losing her voice, and played really loud music. And she wouldn't let me stay up late to do homework or work on projects. I had to sneak and do homework because I couldn't have the light on.
I'm sorry for your loss of support...you must find that support outside of the family. Stay strong and KNOW she is just a piece of shit.
Awful. My mom was also a narcissist.
Dammmm what the - is wrong with people?! 🤬
@shellyfoust6812
My mother did something similar. Went with me to therapy and talked negatively about me so much that the therapist had to interrupt her and told her that from the time of our meeting all she did was complain about me, not one positive word regarding me did she ever, ever say. From that moment she went quiet and I was numb. But, this was my confirmation of how she felt about me all my life. I had contempt for her.
You cannot count on getting unconditional love ☹️
As an abuse survivor (and having a narcissist father and now a narcissist daughter) and from reading these responses what people say they want(ed) is love, compassion, empathy.....Also wanting mercy and grace as well, while not stated, want this for well for their shortcomings/failings/faults....have said they did not get.Normal things. Yet they themselves do not offer what they say is the right thing to their parents who most likely did not get it from their parents and on up the ladder.
Your children and others will do the same with you no matter how "good' you think you are as a parent or whatever relationship. The fact that you do not see the lack of what you want(ed) as a child/adult in yourself for and towards your parents is the proof. Understanding what others have gone through and having that compassion is what helps to change and examples good not victimization, blame and shame.
Our faults and failings are not lesser than theirs.
Not saying this as to excuse the behavior/treatment - again I was abused across the board - yet setting ourselves up as "better" than them is the same thing just different manifestation. None of us is "better" than another, we just "sin" in a different way.
Give what you want and did not receive to others who did not receive it either. Of course you do not and should not, have to stay in a harmful environment to do this. Narcissist do not have the capacity to understand nor reciprocate the attitude nor behavior. Yet our behavior should not be based on our judgement of who "deserves" it. Again I am not saying to excuse, ignore or stay in an abusive situation.
This is a personal attitude change in ourselves. Compassion, empathy (the ability to see, know, understand a person's pain and what we do not do to those that are "undeserving") understanding, mercy and grace are what everyone wants and needs, is in reality what is not sincerely given, is purposely withheld (to punish, teach a "lesson" ,harm and exact revenge...), and what everyone should do to those around us no matter what. That is healing. Didn't say it was easy though, things that have great worth rarely are. Also "unconditional" love is not unconditional acceptance of actions/choices/beliefs...
@@trekster7777You cannot give what you never received from those who were supposed to love you, unless you first receive that understanding, love, compassion and mercy from God. We cannot love as God loves unless God fills our hearts with His love. "Such hope [in God’s promises] never disappoints us, because God’s love has been abundantly poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Abundantly means much more than we need... an abundance that overflows to others. Only when we're filled to overflowing with God's love can we love those who will never love us back.
Anyone read the book The Giving Tree? I always thought it was a good book about unconditional love, a mother’s love until I saw Dr Ramani’s TH-cam video stating that it’s a terrible book that actually enables narcissists who take and take until there’s nothing but a stump left and even the stump will eventually be used. I’m sure there are many people who suffer from narcissistic abuse but there are also many narcissistic people who blame others for not getting what they want and in turn labels them narcissistic. Absolute unconditional love does not exist as adults, love is not one sided. Even babies give love and affection.
Please stop thinking everybody else got the perfect parents and YOU were cheated. Almost no one got the perfect parents. TV family life is FAKE. Our parents had bad parents and so on down the line.
If you're aware enough to want to build yourself into your dream life, that's where you start. Don't look for support from people who never supported you before.
@@calidreams5379I would say that is still arbitrary. I’ve been loved by friends and family members unconditionally before. To me it is simply normal love that is not constantly making you conform and constantly sacrificing yourself for someone else. You are loved simply for being you despite imperfections. Love is not a constant transaction, it does not gaslight you into thinking you need to be more because you are enough. I would say that it isn’t so much a giving thing but a freedom of being without any sort of debts. One of my favorite quotes from Thich Nhat Hanh is “Love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”
It’s healing just reading these comments. To know that I am not alone and there are so many of you who have been through this. I see you. I hear you. I love you.
Even though I’m hidden behind a screen, I’ve never felt so seen.
I think this is what i experienced growing up. I would beg my mom for an apology when she hurt me and I never in my entire childhood/adolescent years got one. She was obsessed with my weight and would sprinkle weight loss powder on my food at restraunts and holiday dinners in front of other family members. She would tell me that people would ask her if I was pregnant because my stomach was so big. (I was 17 years old and about 135 lbs). She would ask older female cousins of mine to take me out to coffee and talk to me about my weight and they all refused and told me my mom made up the pregnancy rumors and that no one said that. She has several letters I would write her as a child and slide under her door apologizing and begging her to talk to me again after i "did something wrong" she would ignore me. I was about 5 or 6 when I wrote those letters. It's horrifying now as a mother. I could never do that to my children
Ah, the dead silence you meet when sharing a small victory… thinking “naively” that perhaps just once they will show a sign of happiness for you, knowing how you have struggled with insecurities they’ve instilled in you, but of course they would never do any of that…
And perhaps some day you will accept that the cupboard is really and truly bare, and haven’t been mistaken all these years.
The phantom limb of the heart…
For #7 I am reminded of watching a Winter Olympics where a woman won a ski event. Immediately upon crossing the finish line, she skied up to the fence where her mother was standing. The mother threw her arms around her daughter, turned to the camera, and shouted "I gave birth to an OLYMPIAN!" As young as I was at the time I saw that and thought "Nope, that ain't right."
I feel proud for the "Olympian" yet sad that her mother was such a narcissist and spoiled her daughter's success!
That’s a typical modern women.
Golden Uterus, for sure.
Well think of it this way. Some mothers/ Fathers can see when their kids are in trouble. Maybe getting overwhelming attention or whatever it may be. And they will do what is needed, rather than what is wanted. There has to be someone that grounds things eventually.
That's how most American women act these days. That's why I gave up on dating western women, they're awful!
My mother was a dry well. Absolutely nothing to give. When I was mistreated it was "what did you do to deserve that....or...Well you are very difficult to be around...." you get the picture I'm sure. Painful for a child though.
That’s just women though. Women aren’t capable of caring for children over 5. Generally all females will exhibit traits of narcissism.
Its because they are scared for you and they want you to do better. They feel that they havent taught you how to avoid dissapproval from others.
@@lynda65587 youre a psycho, pretty typical too.
I experienced the same on many occasions. I fell for a narc guy and we were going to get married. A few months before the wedding, I found out that he had a girl on the side. I told my father and he said in all honesty "what did YOU do to make him go to another women". He went on to say that he knows me and what I'm like. By "what I'm like", he meant how I responded when my narc family members put me down, I was responsive. They put me down all the time and when I responded negatively, they'd say that I was temperamental. No, it was just them.
Good description, my MIL is a dry well, I couldn't even be unwell at 51 with a heart attack without her telling me off & that it was obviously my fault. All that bothered her was how it affected her.
I am 74. Mom is 94. She will probably out live me. Haven't spoken in 7 years by her demand. I was and am thrilled i don't have to deal with her. I am no longer the scapegoat. I don't love her. I don't hate her. She made my life so difficult. Once i looked into narc it all made sense. I just wonder what my potential and life would have been without the abuse. Who am i?
❤
You are YOU.
You probably grew up in a state of confusion because what they say NEVER matches up with what they DO.
You would have been on to this as a young adult and psychologically you would have made yourself different, socialised, normal.
I'm similar, I think, to you at 69 with mum 96. Why do they all seem to live so long?
I often wonder that too. We are conditioned to fail. Took me a long time to figure that out.
@@Haberdashery22 their ego is so powerful hanging to life, i think thats it.
@@JaneDoe-qy5jz same here, i feel you!
1) the narc cant regret or doubt anything that they’ve done because they’re right all of the time.
2) to do good when nobody’s watching.
3) React in a situational way- can’t count on them to be appropriate
4)leave room for our feelings, thoughts, ideas or beliefs.. they can be patronising but not to connect
5) to comfort you when you are mistreated
6) cannot count on them not to devaluate, manipulate, shame you, humiliate
7) to celebrate your successes unless they can eclipse the spotlight
For 5) I would rather use "protect yourself from this kind of people" than "comfort". Comfort may not be enough.
To care about you when you’re sick? No way!
Describes my mother to the letter. I wish I had known this when I was young. It would have made my life easier. She died about three years ago and I was relieved and happy when she was finally out of my life. I had compassion for her death but not her absence.
@@AnastashyaI’m currently disabled after a failed s attempt and my mom who’s never been consistently there for me helped me get disability benefits. I worked for years until hospitalization. She’s very good at paperwork / business. I have cognitive issues because of what happened so I depend on her to be there. Unfortunately she’s not beyond making sure I don’t die though sometiems I think she would be relieved if I did. With my SSD check I was able to make rent in this small apartment. My mom controls all my checks I get and paperwork. Last year my toilet broke and I needed help from what I thought was my landlord. Turns out my mom bought this place behind my back and never told me. I am grateful to have a place to live but I find out she does things to get tax breaks. Meanwhile I’m disabled never leave bed and there’s black mold everywhere. If I try and ask for help I’m told I’m ungrateful. She doesn’t understand why hiding stuff from me hurts. My parents were split for 23 years. Mom left dad when I was 10 and now that my dads gf passed away my mom moved in with him. She sadly is and always will be all about money. I love her and want her to be happy. Anything I say is used against me later. She yells at me when I call myself disabled. She tells me she can’t travel because of me. She’s a realtor and very charming. I know I’m going to die in here because my health is so bad. I wish I moved away when I had the chance in my 20s. CPTSD is no joke. I hope everyone who’s trapped escapes some day. I’m catholic so I’m called to love and forgive which I do. I just can’t deny the suffering anymore. God Bless you friend. ❤
so what's their meaning in one's life? endless shit?
My narc. mother is an information gatherer. If someone is having a serious problem, she would like to know about it. She won't help in anyway, but wants to know of other family members problems.
I share in the plight of being from a narcissistic family. I have left them and stopped communicating with them after years of them using my life and existence as a game. Please stay strong and know that there are people who are there for you.
@ighanchks3500my parents are exactly like this. I'm no contact. Best thing ever. They push people to kill themselves. They re awful.
My daughter has always been an information gatherer. Three months after my husband died she invited me for a meal and l was told “We don ‘t want to be round you all the time.” Yet she always wanted to know my movements. She searched my house from top to bottom the first time I went away for a few days; I knew someone had been in the house within an hour of my return. Folk who constantly gather information need a cover story to hide their selfish neglect and can tell their friends, “Mum is fine, she is doing ….” Or she has gone to ….”
Yes my covertly narc mother would ask me lots of questions about my grown up children and other family members but would never cultivate a direct connection with them. In the end I told her talking about others is disrespectful it’s just being a gossip- just ask them yourself, knowing full well she would have to develop some kind of empathy and emotional intelligence in order to achieve this. Guess what? She opted out of that one, but I remain resolute in never sharing about others.
@@Msminimumdosemy mother in law is like this too
The best gift from a narcissist father : I knew exactly what I did not want in a man , and I found the kindest man and a loving family in law ! Thank God for them !
The biggest sign for me that I didnt have a normal upbringing is when I moved to Hollywood at age 18 and my roommate, who was 19 at the time, and lived not too far from me when we lived in central Ohio before moving, would always Facetime and/or call his parents all the time when at our apartment. I found that so odd bc some of my reasoning for moving 2000 miles away was to get away from my parents and grandparents. They were either narcissistic themselves or were enabling the narcissists. I found a new freedom not being around them 24/7 and my anxiety and physical health improved drastically after moving out to Cali. I had tons of energy bc I wasnt be weighed down by my family.
Same! My husband calls his parents daily... And it's so foreign to me my brain can't comprehend or process the reasoning behind it. It's a terrible feeling for genuine love to be so foreign!
Same! My husband calls his parents daily and my brain has trouble comprehending and processing why like it's super foreign! It's truly sad they cause us to think actual genuine love is foreign!
When I go out of town my family will not call
This is the same for me. It really sucks
I'm glad you got away. Your roommate acted strangely. Did your roommate know why you moved away from your narcissistic parents/grandparents? If so, contacting them at your place was wrong.
When I got married 40 years ago. My narc. mother wanted to control much of my wedding, but at the same time, did not want to help pay for anything. She wanted to do everything cheaply. My reception was done so shabbily, we ran out of food, and my husband and I never got anything to eat. We had hamburgers at Jack in the Box at the end of the day. We were able to laugh at that, but much of my Mother's actions, statements to me, and control, I still remember. My adult life was so challenging because of her antics. I am now 65 years old, and finally really figured so much out, sadly, so late in my life. So many upsets with her over the years. So many hurtful comments and no relationship with my son at all. I no longer want to even see her. She is 90, and is still going strong in this personality disorder. I can't tell you of all the pain. Not moving away from her has been my biggest regret. So if anyone has a significant family relationship, I would highly recommend living far away from them. God Bless, everyone here. Eileen
Thanks.
One of the best things about the modern world, we get to find out, albeit so late, that 'it really was not me'
Sorry about your wedding, you deserved better.
Moving away is the best advice. At first they will try and guilt trip you for wanting to go and going but honestly once you do, it’s indescribable. Not to say that you won’t have your own healing & recovery work to do but speaking from experience moving away was the best thing I ever did.
My mother ruined my wedding, too! Insisted we go back home (hundreds of miles away) for the wedding. She secretly didn't invite any one to the reception, and started a fight with the preacher.
People think I'm nuts when I say my parents never in my whole life ever said I love you, or even hugged me, it was replaced with either ''you're an idiot or you're too sensitive, toughen up''
Mine either.
Similarly, My parents DID hug me, but only for their benefit. Mom always wants hugs to comfort HER. Dad rarely touched me EVER but ever since I've been pulling away he's trying to play nicer and more friendly. It makes me sick.
@xoxablade8345 I used it as my spiritual growth, there's always a silver lining somewhere if you look. It's painful, yes! But we did arrange all this before we came here for our growth. I look at people who've had loving parents and a good career and family life and think how much I've learned by not having any of that, you can't learn that from a book🤗 ps my parents did love me they just never showed it🙃🤭
Never told of their love for their child: never hugged...why do ppl like that bother to have children, only to ruin the child's emotional health? My birth mother abandoned her family of 4 children without a backward glance - I never heard her voice, never caught up in maternal love, hugs or kisses. And I miss each one.
Or "Life's tough".
OMG. I had no idea. I spent so much of my life being told how inferior I was. I suffered emotional breakdowns, suicide attempts. It is only recently that I put it all together. Knowing that I've been surrounded by narcissists my whole life, has really been an awakening. It is the most freeing thing to finally understand. I appreciate you addressing this issue.
Wow, listening to this, I realise how lucky I was! My mum was illiterate and had no formal education, but boy, was she the wind beneath my wings. Thank you mum, I miss you so much.
Thank you, Mr Jerry Wise.
This was excellent. Basically, I can't count on EITHER of my parents to be accountable, responsible or mature. Pretty sad.
Very sad. Working through the sadness is necessary. now you can start making sure that you are accountable, responsible and mature towards yourself. Become the accountable parent you never had ❤️
@@jerrywiseSpot on - I am in the Reparenting Phase and trying to show up for myself has been a bumpy road. Your reply is very very encouraging: I will set a reminder on my phone of your response "Start making sure that you are accountable, responsible and mature towards yourself. Become the accountable parent you never had." Thank you, Jerry!
@@jerrywiseThank you, Jerry. I appreciate those words and will be doing just that.
Things you can't count on narcissistic parents to do:
1) Buy you clothes, school supplies or food (yes, they could afford it)
2) Remember your name
3) Take you to the doctor
4) Being supportive in any way even doing mundane things like taking you to events or sports practices etc. They will never, ever come to a game.
They will, however, throw a fit and blame you for everything at the slightest incursion. As neglectful as they can be, they suddenly put massive focus on you when it's time for anger, recriminations and blame. Get away, far away and never contact them again after you get out. Trust me on this, nothing ever gets better.
If you're still young and under their care, you just have to ride it out. Don't make the mistake I made though - namely letting them into my life after I got away from them. Save your money if you can, sever the relationship and move forward. Don't feel bad about it, no matter what. Nothing is getting better, ever, trust me.
My mom has to ruin everything happy I tell her. Im 42 and have finally learned not to even tell her good news. The amount of joy I allowed her to steal from me over the years....and on the RARE occasion she has apologized for something she says it in a baby sing song voice and laughs. Its infuriating.
The nursery voice, so annoying!🤬
Oh boy can I relate to this! I’m also 42 and my mom still belittles me, ruins any happy moment, and loves to tell the most embarrassing stories about me that I would NEVER tell. She gets a rise out of making me feel bad or down, but then always says “no one loves her” and things of that nature.
I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. I’m just now realizing how many people do experience this with their mother. It’s astonishing!
OMG, ❤ I know the exact type of awful voice you mean. They deliver the “im sorry” with pissy inflection, sarcasm and total resentment. And if you refuse it, bc its fake, it just give them a reason to be enraged with you, call you a “spoiled brat” or worse.
How petty of her, and childish...
@@jwoo888 oh yes, mine too! Or she will bring up failures I had. Like at my daughter's graduation party last summer people were asking her what college she was going to. My mom would have to interrupt and say things like oh, don't drop out like your mom or hopefully you graduate college, unlike your mother
While growing up, even when becoming an adult, I wish I had known what Narcissism was and all the other information that goes with it, such as the information in this video.
I just thought my so called family were SOBs. I knew nothing of Narcissism, personality disorder, etc.
Same. 58 years of abuse by my whole family. The healing journey is a mountain to climb
I wish I had known earlier too. It all makes sense now. If I’d known sooner I would have given up trying and gone no contact years ago. These people rarely ever change as they are convinced there’s nothing wrong with them.
I thought they were demons, literally
What can’t you rely on your narc parents for? Literally ANYTHING (except disappointment, you can always count on their ability to give you disappointment 💔)
And plenty of shame from falling into their traps (by rebelling).
You can definitely count on narc parents for angry outbursts, criticism, lack of support, disrespect, contempt or indifference, emotional bread crumbing, mockery, self righteousness, complete self absorption, coldness, rudeness, and vindictiveness.
My father would never apologize for his infraction’s. Once he ran over my brother’s foot and he shouted “Why didn’t you move out of the way!”
Yep, everybody is supposed to read their mind. And they do read unfortunately, to the point where they become so sensitive that cannot live their own life freely and happily.
DITTO. my father excuse for hitting his sons when they were little was because no one showed him how to be a father.
Then the second family he had the sons blamed us for why we didn't instead of blaming him, but the second family boys just turned out to be narcissist instead of holding to account they just made excuses for him and on occasions blaming our mum for staying.
Sorry you all went through that. They will always treat you like you are inconvenient and in their way. The joy of the Lord IS YOUR STRENGTH. Choose to trust Him and lean on Him with everything in you and get to know Him for yourself. He is the only constant in your life. He changes not, and HE NEVER LEAVES YOU OR FORSAKE YOU.
@@misslanapaulfordThe narc mother uses the same excuse.
@@misslanapaulfordWhat would happen if you decided to never speak to any of them again ?
😡number 5 is so true. My narcissist mom called me the day my daughter passed away and her nasty attitude, ranting and belittling me. Then crying and telling me that I blamed her. How could I blame her if she was thousands of miles away and it was an accident? 😡I’m so fed up with the abuse. No contact since that last phone call. I don’t want to ever hear her voice. Losing my daughter is the most devastating thing ever happened to me. Even the narcissistic abuse received from my mom pales in the amount of grieving i’m going thru. She has nothing good to add to my life. Rest in peace my dear Sofia, until we meet again. I know this wasn’t the only lifetime together. ❤❤❤😭😭😭
So sorry for you loss 😔
I'm very sorry. I believe you will see your Sofia again, also. Sending you love.
Im sorry😢🙏
I'm so sorry for your loss 🙏, it's best to stay away from your mom. Praying for your broken 💔 to find peace...
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭I am so sorry for your tremendous loss of your beloved daughter. There is nothing worse in life than that. Your mother is evil to do that to you during the most terrifying, agonizing, horrific time in your life. These damned narcissists haver noooo heart and love inside of them, and I am proud of you for going no contact forever! She is not worthy of you. From one mother to another, I send you love, warm hugs and may the tender love and beautiful times you and your precious daughter shared give you strength until you undoubtedly are with her again. God give you courage and blessings.
My name is, Thomas
I'm a victim myself for my dad was a selfish individual and I also lived in a haunted house growing up. I believe that things could be better and besides I had to cut him off because he is truly evil. My poor mom went through so much dealing with his outburst on a daily basis and really didn't care if I was going to do good in school. I cared enough to share my experience with total strangers on this channel and you can't control your abusers behavior ever. It wasn't easy for me to come forward and my experiences made me stronger for leaving that situation was best decision on my mental health. It is sad because my dad wasn't supportive of me and just beat on me for having an intellectual disability that happened during birth. I wish everyone to set a goal that is reachable and not give up on your dreams ever. Just focus on your passions and what makes you a better person over all.
Thank you and have a great day.
Hello, Thomas. I didn't live in a haunted house, but next to a people's cemetary. No problems. My dad, however, is a narcissist, that is evil. I have learning diabilities because the umbilical cord got wrapped around my neck at birth, I was deprived of oxygen for several minutes. In my Sophomore or Junior year of high school, a Special Ed. teacher told me it was my fault I have learning disabilities. WTH? Her attitude problem, not mine, but she made it my problem. She didn't know about the umbilical cord. Sheesh.
Strangers are kinder and more respectful of me than my parents were, very hurtful and it took a long time to stop blaming myself. Ten years ago I bought a house, paid for in full, they would not come see it until I was here for five years. They said “ must be nice” we stay broke giving to y’all, I told them, you mean to my siblings because you never had it to give to me and they said “we didn’t have it then” now they want money from me to give to my siblings. I asked them why they treat me different and they said because you know better and when you know better, you do better. Gee
You don't have to be "nice" to your parents. Their reasoning doesn't make any sense. It is an excuse for abuing you.
Hey there. I have the same problem and my brother doesnt grow up, he doesnt share his problems with our dad but treats him better than me. He usually talks the talk but doesnt walk the walk. Although he became better as time passed, bc I made it clear that its not my responsibility.
I hope you deal with it without tension. Its a tough situation.
Its worse when a narcissist swoops your child up with money, travel, gaslighting, etc and then your child becomes an adult and goes no contact because you were to poor and in ill health to fulfill all her dreams 😢 I tried, but I couldnt compete with the Magical Aunt who married into my family's money, while I was put to the wayside because my narc parents couldnt lose my brother (he was 50% of the business). So my whole family is wrecked by this gold-digger and Im the one my child decides to go no contact with. They all hate the Truth Teller...
My mom used to always tell me I deserved any bad treatment by anyone, and I must have done something wrong
The same here. My mother used to say people were "correcting me" in that way.
Your mom was wrong!
Yes!
Oh, yes. My mother always said to me, "You're so sensitive," and "You need to develop a thicker skin." When I tried to discuss my childhood with her, she told me I was remembering everything wrong. If I ever tried to dicuss something else in my life that was upsetting me (nothing to do with her), she always changed the subject. I was never able to discuss anything in my life that was serious or having to do with my feelings with her. To her dying day, there was never a doubt, a regret, or an apology.
Same here. It’s just nonstop with the gaslighting. They know it’ll shut us down because the tension or arguments it’ll cause are so ridiculous it’s not worth trying anymore
My mom would say”oh well”. That was the end of our conversation.
I have now realised my father was a narcissist and it explains a lot about my thinking process - feeling unloved, never being good enough, always second best to my brother etc. He died 18 months ago and life is definitely less stressful without him around, which is very sad and makes me feel guilty
You deserve to rest, and quit worrying. Easier said than done, I know. But try to break free of the negative thoughts. My parents were like 24/7 surveillance cameras and egg shell laying hypocrites. Mostly.
Don't feel guilty. It was never you or your fault. ❤
@@Newshoundfortruth thank you ❤️
@@EvanSwan-ke6rv ❤️
Not your fault
The deep realization of the things you need to let go of from them is the key to your healing and peace.
Yes. And that allows you to give to yourself what they were never capable of giving you. Thanks for watching!
@@jerrywiseYes, indeed! Amén ❤
Yes. You cannot heal a wound by re-traumatisation.
my 'mother" cancelled the Bakery Order for our Wedding Cake! to ruin our reception! She gloated; laughed as I CRIED!
My narc husband sometimes will say "I have a smart wife" to others when I answer some obscure trivia question. He will never say Anne is smart. 😂 It always has to reflect back to him.
Good catch, My mom would say I have a talented son. Always in reference to her. Very insightful Anne. Thanks for watching.
🤯🤯🤯
Oh 😳. I just realized that my parents do this to me all the time.
When I was married anything I did was changed to 'we' did this and that. Oh he did not have pictures of me on his desk at his job. Only our son. Yet now that he's re-married in a. Promise vow scenario she kept her name interestingly he won't help out our son. Shameful. He has the money. I have sent money to my son and he tears up the checks telling me I don't have to do anything... I wish I could do more but he won't let me. Idk if he realizes his dad is a narcissist.
My mother always praises me when she has some idea what I should be doing with my life. All my own initiatives are too worthless to even consider, but if it's her idea then I'm technically superhuman.
Both of my parents were really bad and i hadn't had contact since I was a teenager. When my daughter was young I had a lot of these negative behaviors. I recognized it and have been working on it. I had to admit that I was wrong and had to learn heathy parenting because I had no idea what that looked like. My daughter is everything to me and we have a strong relationship. She's a mother now and is doing a far better job then I did.
Good for you 👍
You broke the cycle ❤
I'm😢shaken to the core that so many of us are here and have suffered so much!!!
🙏 prayers and blessings ❤
I was badly bullied in school. When I told my mother that I was afraid of fighting back, she told me “ if you don’t hit back, I’ll hit you “ how’s that for loving support from my narcissistic mother. She also took pleasure in belittling me in front of people, slapping my face etc. How I have not grown up to be like her is a miracle. I’ve come to realise over the years that she was jealous of my youth.
My mother told me the same thing but it actually helped me stand up for myself
Well you should of fought back but your mom could of conveyed that much better.
I would’ve still recommended you to fight back, but instead of threatening to hit you, I’d train you with a few karate moves. I’d teach the importance of not going overboard, but that self-defense is a must have for everyone. Just remember, never throw the first punch, but don’t be afraid to throw the last
@@alaskapeachthere doesn't have to be an "every situation". In fact, most of the time, if you check someone early, it'll end there.
Bullying escalates because the target of that bullying won't stand up for themselves, and it always ends up with more people getting in on it.
You don't see the most important variable, which is stopping it early.
That was every parent
This is my mother 100%
I once asked her why she had kids, and her response was for something to love her unconditionally. Now I'm the scapegoat, the one who gets the blame for the sky being blue, but my siblings are treated like they have diamond encrusted skin and they're just as horrible,but they benefit from her, money, cars, phones, whatever they want and they're 27 and 40. I have separated myself from these people because there is no greater joy than the peace that you fill when living without people who are toxic and dysfunctional. I'm so thankful that she has no grandchildren, because i would never bring a child into that
Smart move on your part !!👍
My monster-in-law is the same with her sons. She gives my husband nothing because she can't turn him against me. Now shes 86 needing help, we refuse. Her oldest is still at home, too fat to move and she expects my husband to help. He refuses.
@@shihtzuluvrtwo6386 I don't agree
With what you have said
I have been so mentally abused
by my mother it was my first day
at school I held my mother's hand
and she said your at school now
don't act like a baby want to hold
My hand she has not once said
She loves me she has not once
Huged me she is 90 now
and I look after her she is so week
She can't even cut up her food
Or walk I have no feelings for her
but if I treet her the way she treated
Me then I would the narcissist
that she was and I am better than that.
Same story with my so called mother.
She had 3.2 million gave it all to her
Golden children(3). I was single parent Nurse. My little son and I got nothing. But she (my mother ) called me when she needed medical advice,
Ride to hospital. She never ever hugged me or gave me money , gifts
Like she did for my siblings. She always gave me demeaning snide
Comments. My siblings are carbon
Copy of her. I find my comfort in
Prayer 🙏 and seeking Gods Love.
That’s one of the reasons I never had children. I would never have wanted them to grow up anywhere near her, and certainly would never want her to babysit them. Plus, I was always afraid that some subconscious thing in me would accidentally let slip some of the narcissistic things to them, based on the premise of the book My Mother, Myself, which says that the only way you learned to parent was by the way you were parented.
Oh my goodness. You have described my folks to a T. I wish I had this kind of help as a teenager. The abuse from a narcissistic mother and father led me to damaging my brain with drugs, in my early teens, trying to drown out my anxiety. These types of people are literally incapable of loving others. So good to see better mental health specialist these days on how to understand what bad parents are, and how to learn to change your way of thinking.
Every time we approached my mother about a problem or for comfort, she always told us how much worse she had it. She was never the comforting loving type. She was always right and we always had a problem to fix.
I saw my mother slap her own mother in the face. I was 4 yrs old and decided I didn't want to be like her. 😕
They're mean right to you right until they die. You never get closure
Better that way. You don’t regret them leaving.
@@miamucci4924 true, I've barely grieved her passing but I have grieved love I never got. Weird
Closure is overrated just move on from the assholes...
@@omni-man4624 lol 😆
Understanding what they are is our closure. It has to be.
My dad “I’m never wrong”. “I didn’t do that and if I had it wasn’t so bad. In fact, I’d do it again. They’re spot on. I’m glad narcissism is recognized. I had no idea what was up with my dad.
This can extend or Perpetuate easily- I see it in my Inlaws. My Wife's 2 Sisters & Brother all have become Narcissistic Parents. It's mostly about Neglect & IMAGE with them. They Neglect their kids in almost every way & then try to pass judgement on our little Family. It's incredible to witness just how F'd up these people really are. As soon as I said "No" to them- When they believed my assistance was Obligatory- That's when the GOSSIP, Rumors & Character-Smearing began.
These people are the unchangeable & nasty SOB's one could meet.
We stay away.
The more I hear about these kinds of destructive people - narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, my questions is, WHAT do you do with them? They seem to leave behind a trail of abuse, suffering and destruction, in all sorts of relationships - family, friends, work-relationships. Many such people climb the ladder so well, and often seem to stomp over their way to the top. They end up leaving damaged, traumatized people in their wake, some of whom will get help and be able to lead fruitful lives, while others may remain broken. CAN anything ever be done to keep them from doing so much damage, or is it up to each individual to be able to find help and become healthy? What if they can't? And the narcissists, just go on their merry way, living life in whatever way they want, while they make other suffer. I find it frustrating.
hmm, aren't narcissists simply another form of some type of sociopathic disorder? Where do you draw the line to psychopathic tendencies? I'm starting to see the layers..... ?????
Yea it doesn’t seem fair to me either. I want to keep asking why this happened to me but as my therapist says don’t ask why ask what I can do moving forward.
Detach from those wonderings and detach from your narcissistic toxic parents. The less contact the better.
There is a galaxy of things that they cannot be counted on for. It might be a lot easier to list the things that you can count on them for.
You can always count on them to:
- take credit for your achievements.
- never appologize.
- never be wrong.
- always be better than you.
- etc...
I was very narcissistic in my past. Jesus Christ freed me from addiction, pain, anger, selfishness, and narcissism. I am now.raisng a 6 year old and always checking my behaviour.😊
I wondered if one could turn from the way of narcissism . Congratulations in finding The Way !
@IamAloha like anything in life it's a choice. 😊
I am very glad to hear your testimony that Jesus set you free from all those things especially the narcissism. Truthfully he is the only one that can. It is so awful for the people affected by it such as children and other family members and bad for the narcissist because it causes them to have a blind spot that is ruining their lives that everyone can see but them. If you were truly narcissist then the very fact that you are not taking any credit for your freedom and acknowledging that you were narcissistic lets me know you no the same person. John 8:36..
If this is truly your belief...WHY would a God of Love put you through anxiety and depression?
@@danielkoher1944🎯🎯🎯
I am prefacing this with I am 70. Trying to watch this video was infuriating. You can be sweet and call 'em narcissist but they are abusive and cruel selfish people that don't deserve to have children and leave the world with their damaged children who continue to have difficulty emotionally their entire lives.
Backhanded compliments are used when they have to concede that what you did is really good.
;:g%%g:$😊
Backhanded compliments are so annoying from narcs - the other day my mom said wow your uncle was so confused as to why you would move there but then he was understanding. I said why. Well probably bc you are going from one sleepy town to the next. Then changes the subject. They are assholes.
The devaluation remark hit me in the gut. She passed 3 years ago but the pain of her treatment remains.
I pray in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ that the wounds from those words and treatment are healed. I pray that you feel God's love replace the hurts. And that you experience His peace. I am sorry you went through those experiences.
@@Run4Ever77 thank you, may your beautiful prayer be a comfort for all that need it
Great video! My mom was a full-blown narcissist. On the other hand, my dad was the only stable person in the family. If it weren't for him my sisters and I would have never had a chance to have a decent life. Despite all of that, the damage remains! Even though I have worked on myself all of my life and have been through years of counseling, I finally feel at peace since my mom died last year (2022). I'm sixty-six years old now and her demands did not stop until she died! My good parent died in 2002. I know many people would think that I'm horrible for saying this, but I wish that my dad had lived longer and that my mom had died when he did!
My good parent died in 2016...I really miss him....I am a physically disabled 42 yr old and my POS Birth Lady just sold the house my dad and I built together & I had 3 days to get out & I now live in a Camper with a non working furnace in northern Wyoming.... Why the f*ck didn't she get cancer???
If I ever in the lotto, I'll make sure to contact you and help. That is BS. @@Mr.CJohnson
Not horrible at all. I had the greatest feeling of relief when I got the call my narc mother had finally died. Understand completely. Kind of a feeling of ‘good riddance’.
Problem I’m dealing w/…wonder if you can relate…is how not to get angry when thinking about her and how to simply come to peace w/ the past.
Good luck to everyone having to deal with these parents as they age. I’m glad I’m not alone but I feel for you.
Just hope there's a check involved. Lol
My narcissistic dad gets worse with age!
It is the worst!....to have to care for someone who emotionally abused youentire life..especially during those times that you needed your parents the most...now the expectation and judgment from family and friends cause you can no longer hide the fact that you don't want to be bothered...i would not want this situation for anyone
I grew up with a narcisstic/alcoholic/abusive mother. Cut her off from the time I was 42 (when she was totally innappropriate about my father's death) until I was 54, when she was dying in a nursing home. NO REGRETS that I DIDN'T take care of her at the end of her life. She was NEVER there for me. She didn't DESERVE my care at the end of ehr life. I ALREADY cared for ehr from the time I was a child until I cut her off. Don't wASTE yOUR hEART TAKING CARE OF A ABUSIVE PARENT
I'm 3 hours away. So I'm leaving all that responsibility to my Mom's 5 favorite children who live nearby. They'll do a Wonderful Job!!! Yeah!!! 👍
My best friend was murdered when I was in high school and when I got home from school after finding out I told my mom as I was sobbing. I explained how he was tortured and then murdered. She said, and I quote…”that’s how they kill people in gangs. Maybe he was in a gang. Maybe he deserved it.” Never got a hug, an “I’m sorry”, “are you ok”? NOTHING! I looked over at my father in total disbelief that she just said this to me. And he shook his head angrily because he was annoyed that I was crying and upset. That whole day whenever I’d cry about it I was told to “STOP CRYING!!!” “You need to STOP CRYING NOW!” I didn’t bother to ask to go to the funeral because I was afraid how they’d react. They NEVER once spoke to me about this again!
😂. Yeah I remember lying in bed crying when I was a child, and my mother opening my bedroom door to scream “STOP CRYING!” at me, before closing the door and going away. 😂
My ex best friend told me my partner deserved to kill himself bc he wasn't grateful for life. She told me this just days after he passed. Appalling.
@@Woodman-Spare-that-treethey did that to me, too. God :( then when, at 9, I said I wanted to end my life, I was told how selfish I was for hurting my father's feelings bc his brother died by suicide. Yea, I'm in therapy and very single hahahah
Wow what demons
That's horrible.
I have spent a whole year in TH-cam therapy listening to videos and reading people’s comments. Thank you Jerry Wise for all the help you give as people move forward. Videos like this give such an understanding of what many of us have had to fight to understand all our lives. Kudos! It’s been so helpful. My mother passed a year ago and I thought I would feel so much relief but it was quite the opposite. Ugly old scenarios kept popping up, horrible dreams and memories. I oversaw her last five years and traveled out of state as many as nine times a year, multiple phone calls with the staff, her feigning falls so the EMTs would come. Finally had to take her phone away. It was a messy life for me and I was working still through most of it. Once she died I expected peace but it was a hellacious year. I’ve finally learned, grown and am on stable ground. I’m content finally.
I just want to thank everyone for taking time to tell your story and share your own journey. It’s helped me on my journey. Love and hugs to you all.
In my experience- Never let them Humiliate you. If they do- Call them out on it & don't back down. Narcissistic People are Cowards 100%.
Nah they will turn into a very good and convincing victim story
I appreciate this but sometimes there’s a cost. Especially if multiple family members are involved in scapegoating/family mobbing. Any action to draw attention to the abuse will be proof that the scapegoat is “attacking” the narcissist.
It's difficult to do this when they start humiliating you when you're in diapers. It's truly life long. It doesn't just start when your 25 and aware of narcissism.
almost 63 and i have spent my lifetime revealing layer upon layer upon layer of this nauseating toxicity. i'm almost out of time now to try and recover. i can honestly say it has been the blight of my life destroying all my opportunities of a 'good life'. 🥴
Each layer you uncover is a piece of healing. Well done. You never gave up and kept going.
@@raerush6330 that is kind of you to say, thank you, but it has been a living nightmare. to come into life to find this has been supremely disappointing and even horrifying - that a small minority can poison us as a species to such an appalling degree. kids today are being deliberately steeped in this toxicity to currently unexplained ends but they are being manipulatively deceived and exploited en masse losing 'themselves' and their personal sovereignty along the way. what hope for the future while this prevails ... i fear terribly for them knowing what i now do about this insidious subject. i miss humanity. empathy. compassion. truth. connection. meaning. companionship. love. life is now profoundly empty and lonely. it is not what we ought to experience in this transcient moment we call a life. but thank you for your kind reply. it is appreciated. 🙏
Can I just make an observation? I feel the same as you, I am looking at what I've learned that I would never learned if I had loving parents. I can talk to anyone from homeless to multi millionaire about almost anything because I've learned so much searching for answers. This is a gift but it's a costly one. All the best to you DON'T STOP there are many more lives we have after this one.
Hang in there! YOU are worth it🤗
@@lindabeauchamp4596 🙏
My dead mother to a "T" - it only stopped when she finally died, and I do NOT miss her one bit! And I don't feel guilty about that anymore, either.
Your videos are the most organized, ordered, orderly, clean, clear, kind.
All of this is true. If I won an award, my Mom would say, “she gets her athleticism/intelligence from me” then she would brag about what SHE did in HS that proves why I’m just a copy of her.
Her most common self-compliment regarding athletics is, “I was a hockey player in school.” The truth is she NEVER played organized hockey at any time or at any level. What she’s referring to is playing street hockey (shinny) with neighborhood kids who used magazines as shin pads. There were no awards and no recognition and her abilities in the game are subjective of her own opinion.
With a narc, even the smallest thing becomes a competition. If I buy a microwave and she buys exactly the same one, hers is always “better” in some way. Better price. Somehow more powerful. Somehow superior despite being the same brand and model.
It’s exhausting growing up in an environment like that. As an adult, I live far from her and try to have as little contact as possible with that energy vampire.
I asked my mother why she treated me in such a awful way my whole life (I am 37). She waited till my aunts funeral a few days later to call me TERRBILE names in front of my entire extended family. My children were with me at the table and she was holding my nephew while saying all of it. The poor people at my table asked who that crazy women ( they were on the other side of the family I was not related too) was and I had to tell them it was my mother. I wanted to get up a run out of the building, but the sweet people at my table where so kind and loving so I stayed and that made my mother so mad that she just sat in a chair and didn't say 1 thing to anyone else and no one came to talk to her. She is the most angry, hard looking person I have ever seen. I did cry the whole way home, I felt like I just left my mother's funeral not my aunts.
You should probably consider no contact if you havent already, she sounds horrid.
@@Wealth_through_Health22 I decided that day that I would go no contact. It started this July. One of the best decisions I have ever made.
@@jillbaergCongratulations on your wise move ! You probably improve your physical health a lot, just by doing this one thing !🎉
@@jillbaerg I went no contact 20 years ago. Complete no contact. I moved thousands of miles away. I don`t even if she`s still alive. I would have been dead if I hadn`t. It isn`t a "good" decision. Just like having your limb amputated because it has gangrene isn`t a "good" decision. But the only one you can take. Still you wish you had your limb (mother) back, yet there is no going back to abuse, and you know you won`t go back.
@@lordjim3109 It was a "good" decision in so far as, I can not and will not go back to all her abuse. In my situation I don't feel like I am missing a limb. She wasn't part of my life in a motherly way at all. Only starving me till I was malnourished and so much physical and metal abuse I didn't care if I died. And I was dying. I am thankful God has open my eyes to see that my mother wasn't only affecting me, but also my husband and 8 children. I am happy to take this gangrene. God has put godly loving women in my life who now take the place of what a mother should be. My children have godly grandparents that want to see them and teach them. My husband is thankful that my anxiety isn't as bad and I can function better. I am so sorry you have had this in your life. It's awful to see so many people dealing with this.
My first ex-husband sued me in court for not allowing visitation, which was a trumped up charge. I was found innocent, but the kicker is - my mother had agreed to testify on my behalf. I should have known not to trust her. Once on the stand, she testified for my ex. She lied in court, under oath, just to damage me.
I can relate, my parents actually gave my ex money. Even though I was paying him alimony.
Now 30 years later Mom asks me how he’s doing. Now, she has dementia and I have to endure her constant devaluation while taking care of her. She takes the credit for raising such a “good daughter “…makes me almost choke.
@@kathytovalin7567you really don’t owe her anything. Do yourself a favor and dump her off in a home. Think of yourself for a change
One day, my dad was bitching me out about not putting 1 of his tools back up and proceeded to tell me about how worthless I was etc etc, and this was after he had been suffering from Stomach Cancer, had lost over 100 lbs and couldn't have even picked up 1 and used those tools and it was real obvious he was never going to use any of them again. All of a sudden, it dawned on me that he cared more about his tools than he did his own son, and everything changed. I knew I had to get away from him whether he was dying or not. I only spoke with him 1 time the last year of his life...
Shame, guilt,denial, and no unconditional love 😭
You perfectly described my father in each of your points. It wasn't until after his death at 95 I realised I would never have been good enough for him. My brothers and I were brought up on the premice 'praise the child - spoil the child'. I had no care or affection shown to me when I lost my 1st child at 39 weeks to stillbirth. He would not allow my mother to visit me in hospital or ever mention it or console me. I'm 72 now and still feel the pain. It's so very sad to feel unloved and unworthy.
He’s a demon
Forgive and let go…
@@rubyt4570Yes, forgiveness is the only way to let go 🙏
🥺❤
I'm sorry for your loss. Your dad is an asshole.
leaves a fork on the counter: 15 minute rage fest
call them after surviving a hit by a drunk driver: 15 minute conversation amongst themselves about where's the road it occurred is located
I had a covert narc mother, & an overt narc dad, yes, I am very damaged, but I got away from them, finally, life has never been better
I've watched so many videos about narcissism, and i have never felt this soothed and heard by a channel. Great work Jerry.
I can never have a conversation with apologies . It is always one sided. I have learned I cannot change her so I need to move on because I can only manage my own self.
These are true, and fantastic! Don't forget they play the good parent when people are watching. Only then...its temporary.
It can go the other direction too, the narcissist alienates everyone from the child's life and undermines the relationship with the other parent so that the child is totally under the narcissist control and there is no way to help the child understand what the other parent did or didn't do. It is devastating!
I got all of it, both directions.
My ex has really alienated my 15yr old from me. It's really hard. I just try to let him know that I support him as well as my side of the family. I will never give up on him. ❤
@@starlightanddreams1317 I'm in the same boat only his dad was home with him while I was working since childhood and told him to never listen to anyone else and then systematically ran off everyone my son was 14 before I was literally going to have a nervous breakdown so I moved out. Contact with my son was almost nonexistent after that when he turned 21 he blocked me, I occasionally see his music videos but that's it. My mistake was trying to explain my side once he grew up. I pray things get better for you! There is always hope as long as you're here. HUGS
Yes exactly this. It’s so messed up. It’s caused so much heartache. I’m ready to move on and heal.
@@GinaBrittCo it took me several years and alot of help to heal but you can do it!!!
When you want a narcissist to do something then you basically have to tell them to do the opposite because they will never listen to you!
You can't count on them to drive you anywhere... we had to get ourselves around.
The second I could drive, I was off n running...to h*ll w that.
Oh they’ll drive you there drop you off and not collect you on time and leave you standing on street corners for hours.
I got on a Greyhound bus and went far away.
When I was a bank teller and robbed at gunpoint I phoned my narc mother for emotional support after the police left. She did not even ask if I was okay. She simply told me she could not talk as someone else was calling her and she needed to answer the call waiting.
Whoa. These people are unbelievable!!
Dear Father in Heaven! This is one of the saddest ones I have read here tonight. I am so sorry. I pray you are okay and that you continue in your healing journey. Sending you warm hugs. Cindy D. XO
It's actually scary how cold they are. Like how is someone so far removed from any tiny scrap of empathy especially towards there own child. I know how you feel
Wow.. I’m so sorry 😢 are you still talking to her and/or is she still in your life? I had a similar experience when I was diagnosed with cancer three years ago. I was giving her the news over the telephone and said that I would need support (practical, as in cooking meals, not emotional as I know she’s not capable of doing that) and she started yelling and clearly didn’t want to give me any support, and said what have I done for her ! Which was plenty BTW such as cooking and running the household for a week when she broke her wrist but she conveniently “forgot “ about that. True to form she did not cook one meal while I was recovering. And she lied to me to get off the phone and said my brother was at the door. Turned out he didn’t drop in that day.
@@romanr9977 First, let me say that I pray you made a full recovery from cancer...Sadly, the type of mother that so many us have endured have nothing in the way of support for their children. I spent years trying to ' earn 'her love, and then one day I just lost it and told her to get the hell out of my life...I went full no contact. She would leave me hateful voicemails, spread lies and gossip about me, and anything else she could do to try and get me to argue with her. Se got no reply from me. She died in 2015, and I did not grieve her loss as I spent my entire childhood doing that. Do whatever you feel you must do to protect yourself and preserve your own well being...A narc mother will drag you down if you let her. And never let anyone question the choices you make. 🍀
When your success becomes a reflection of their failures it never ends.
Been on that journey for a lifetime, the destination will be the final end.
Number 5 - oh boy! When I was sixteen years old, madly in love for the first time, I was home alone one day when my mother called me from town, where she was shopping. Puzzled to hear her voice as this was a first, she told me, barely able to control her glee, that she had just seen my boyfriend hand in hand with another girl. Naturally, I was devastated, distraught, didn't know what to do, so phoned his house and asked his mother to tell him I never wanted to see him again (hard as we were at school together). When my mother got home and learned what I'd done, she went into an angry rant asking how she was going to face his mother (our parents knew each other). I'm 70 years old so NPD was not recognised when I was growing up and I didn't learn about it until events after she died. Finally, at the age of 58, I had an answer as to why she seemed to hate me when I never did anything wrong, legally or morally, performed well in school and supported myself thereafter. However, the hurt, the deep pain, never really heals because every time on e.g. a tv programme, when someone says how much mothers love their children and/or how they'll do anything for them, the wound is opened again. Still, every cloud has a silver lining and when I heard my mother was dead, I felt nothing, absolutely nothing.
Read Lindsay Gibson.
Don't go to the hardware store to get oranges. They don't. Have them, dig?
I'm so sorry you have a mother like that. But I don't see how it's a silver lining that you felt emotionally numb after her death.
Most of these fit my mother. Our talents were her doing. Our faults were our own and proclaimed to the world. I went no contact and never regretted it.
Classic. I do good in life - finally. Parents reaction "Look how great of a job we did raising you, despite how bleak it looked with you as problematic child" ... no words left.