To book a 1:1 coaching session with Mark, click here: www.notdefining.com/coaching-info. Text chat with Mark and join group sessions at patreon.com/notdefining. For more videos click the JOIN button.
I can definitely relate. The being excluded hurts so much, especially when you don't understand why the other kids won't play with you, why you're being excluded. It's lonely. I have a very vivid memory of one day when I was in elementary school - I can't remember how old I was, but it was somewhere between ages 6-8, and there was this one day at recess when the girls wouldn't play with me and I tried to join in with the boys instead, but they wouldn't play with me either, and we weren't allowed to go to the school playground because another class was using it, so I just went over to a tree between where the girls and boys were playing and basically just hugged the tree to hide my crying. 40 years later, that day is still seared in my memory. There were more days like that as I grew up later on, throughout my schooling, where the feeling of being excluded was overwhelmingly lonely. Until I came out at University and got involved in the university's LGBSU (Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Student Union) as it was called at the time, and for the first time ever, I really belonged. And I made friendships that I still have to this day. It was only once I finally knew who I was and could share that openly with the people around me that I finally fit in and was no longer excluded or alone.
Thanks for sharing your story. When I was at university one of the members of the members of LGBT group was bisexual and complained that many misunderstood him. His straight buddies noted that he had a beautiful and couldn't believe he could be bi. But some of his gay friends complained that he was really gay and still in the closet and would someday realize this. It was a very tough time for hm, I hope everything worked out for him.
Oh my goodness! I can relate to it. As I approached my teens, I always wondered why I am not like other boys. I understand that feeling of being perceived as odd or different. Looking forward to next part! 🙌🏻
Wow ... I relate to that so much ... Except, I'm a girl (well ... A woman, now), and I was very tom boy-ish growing up. For a long time, it was encouraged, because I like sports, was bold and school was more important to me than having crushes on boys. Boys to me, were awesome friends to hang out with, period. But all of the sudden adults started to tell me, I should be more girly (wear more dresses, skirts, being more delicate and be interested in boys).
Hey thank you so much for saying. I love nothing more than when someone really relates but from a female perspective and then shares their experience so others can relate even more. Thank you. How are things now as a grown up?
@@notdefining It's really funny that you ask, because now that I'm getting more and more comfortable with my own bisexuality, I want to express myself more and dress myself more freely. It's a decision I've made recently, actually. Because, for a long time, I've dressed like I was performing... Either for the male gaze or in order to look 'more feminine'. I know my gender expression naviguate between being feminine and androgynous (maybe because of, former my tomboy-ish self remaining somewhere), and I want to dress accordingly.
I honestly feel the same way I felt I was very far off from the feminine and the masculine I felt as if I was somewhere else entirely socially, hard to connect and hard to associate with anyone. In a way I felt like it was difficult to truly be able to communicate what I was feeling considering my friends where all straight in school (high school in this case).
But afterwards as I grew older I noticed my masculinity was a blessing because it’s something I liked but I still did not associate with the macho man culture or the feminine aspect of life. I never got in to macho man groups or girl groups. I always saw them as both people and individuals. I feel that it was a culture shock for you as much as me as we were growing up. I relate a lot to this though our journey is much more different and at my 25 years was the time I actually accessed my identity and felt bisexual. Now I’m too scared to explore further or find any meaningful relationships I do hope I can find someone. :/
I totally get you on this. It can be so rough can't it? PS: all your friends were not "straight" in school! They said they were. hehe. Straight people aren't straight. It's an illusion mostly. But I'll leave you with that thought to ponder. Trust me. I speak to hundreds of "straight" people through my site.
I always associated this with my neurodivergence (ADHD) where you also see things like this happening around that age, prompting the mask. But now I am considering that queerness could have been a part of that too - I was bold, loud, and had my own distinct style (maybe an 8 year old's version of hard femme lol), until I promptly abandoned it due to rejection. There were probably some gender conformity aspects to that. Not to mention that queerness and neurodivergence go together *quite* often.
Hey thanks so much for saying. It makes me so happy that I can share and connect with others. I invite you to share your story in the comments, if you would like. Mine is only one, and the best is when we can all share our experiences together. In any case, thanks again and sending love.
thank you Mark, for your story. Thank you for your honesty. . Its odd how first impressions are. . I saw you as this really together man. Who probably had loads of friends when you were in school, and even tho you questioned yourself, you were able to keep that hidden from the world, and people just loved you. . Like I said, that was just my impressions of you. Where does that come from? How you come across today I guess. Anyway, I look forward to your next chapter. I too never fit in, and didn't have many friends. But for me, I didn't care. -- Steven
Hey thanks for opening up about this authentic impression. It’s interesting to hear and I’m glad you said that. I am a very together person. Lots of people like me. But the togetherness and “niceness” (as you will hear in upcoming chapters) has come from intense pain and repression. I am so together but actually screaming inside every day 😣 I share my heart online because every time I do it heals a little when lovely people relate and post lovely comments like yours and I feel less lost 🙂🌈 behind every strong person is a story that gave them no choice. This is that story.
This was so interesting to hear! I can't wait to hear the rest of your story. I love how your telling your story in steps and going into great detail. I'm so sorry that the other boys treating you different caused you trauma. As LGBT+ people we can carry a lot of trauma. The truth is, there's no such thing as normal, so there's also no such thing as being weird. Now that I'm older I came to the realization that the way I am is the way I'm meant to be. My natural personality, and me being LGBT+ is natural. The same goes for you, and everyone else too! You have no idea how much I relate to not fitting in with the boys who were all about sports and girls. I'm a creative type of person with a huge imagination and even to this day I'd rather talk about animals, pirates, and aliens over sports any day lol! 😂 I'm gay and when I was younger I always felt confused whenever I was around straight guys because they're like "Women! Women! Women!" And I was never like that. I wanted to fit in with the other boys so I mimicked them. I would force myself to be attracted to Women, because I thought I had to be. As I got older I realized I was gay and I wasn't attracted to women at all. It took me some years to fully accept myself. Now I'm in such an amazing place where I accept myself fully! I have so much joy and peace within myself, that pretending to be someone else would've never brought. Self love and acceptance is so important for everyone who is LGBT+!
My first crush on a girl was when i was 8 yrs old and was a sporty person at primary school. Had my first girlfriend at 13 dated for a full year and thats when the hormones kicked in. When i got 20+ i'm less attracted to women and more to men. I guess i'm gay or just fluid.
Hey thanks so much for sharing this. Maybe it is associated maybe not. Maybe it is for some people maybe not. It’s just something that for me was impactful. I’d love to hear more about your story my friend.
Oh hey thanks so much. I'm so glad. If you ever want to share your story in the comments, I would be thrilled. It's the best when we can relate and connect with each other. Otherwise, I will simply thank you once again for the lovely comment. Much love x
@@notdefining yeah thanks! I remember this constant feeling of not knowing how exactly a boy "should behave", once when I was 9 while i was in the park playing with some friends a boy few years older than me, start to telling me that i "should speak like a man" that my voice was too girlie, and the since that day the rest of my friends keep teeling me to speak "like a man"... but what the heck that does it meant?! never understood, I just started to make my voice sounded deeper, at 9 years old!!!... I confess sometimes I still feel the same way like not knowing how a man "should be" (most living in a latin american country where beeing a "macho" used to be the norm) but now I know that those are just social expectations and that I can be free beeing the way I am, so hearing that other guys felt this way in some point of their lifes its kind of release.
@@erickbravo2452 wow thank you so much for sharing this. I relate so much. It’s utterly confusing isn’t it? Anyone who tells you that you “should” be a certain way is lost. So completely lost I can’t even begin to describe. The authentic you as you are is everything you should be. It’s the strongest most shining version of you and I’m so glad that you seem to be unearthing that. Never be told how you should be ever again Erick. You are amazing and perfect and so deserving of everything just as you are. You’re a great man. Thank you for sharing I know so many people will be empowered by your story. Sending so much love. Mark
I have a question: I haven't had any obvious strokes of bisexuality throughout my childhood, and did not find myself attracted to other boys. Have people become bi from being straight just by having a more open mind? I'm 20 and probably had my first 'attraction thought' a little over a year ago towards another guy BEFORE an having any open mind, since I was religious then. I rebuked the thoughts as soon as they came. Is this even possible? I'm so lost. I can't tell if my straight guy that appreciates a guy's attractiveness, or if I'm just bisexual. Thanks
No problem. These thoughts are very normal. Most men have bisexual thoughts at some stage. The truth is, “straight” and “bisexual” aren’t two completely separate things. There’s no dividing line which states the difference between a straight guy who appreciates guys attractiveness and a bisexual guy. It’s up to you how you feel. Would you like to define as bisexual? If so you can. If not you don’t have to. Also sometimes we can think of it more in terms of “what do you feel towards guys?” Do you just appreciate them in theory but wouldn’t think about doing anything with them? If so you might be more straight rather than bi. Do get actively turned on by thinking about guys? Would you like to kiss a guy or have physical intimacy with a guy? In this case it may you have some shade of bisexuality at this time. Just questions to consider. I’m always here to help.
@@anthonylombardo2869 I’m sorry you had to go through that my friend. Do you feel small and ashamed now? I hope not. It’s ok to feel it sometimes though.
Yes, they are taught to be. It's funny how now that parents and schools don't actively teach hate towards Queer people, the young generation of kids aren't cruel like that anymore. Simple like that! haha
I don't understand what such a big deal with male bisexuality is. Usually male bisexuals are primarily straight. There's no gay tag associated with them. There's no stigma of a man and another man. So what's the big idea?
To book a 1:1 coaching session with Mark, click here: www.notdefining.com/coaching-info.
Text chat with Mark and join group sessions at patreon.com/notdefining.
For more videos click the JOIN button.
I relate so much -- especially to spending childhood confused about why I seemed to be like no one else.
Hey thanks so much for sharing this. I'm so glad we can relate.
I can definitely relate. The being excluded hurts so much, especially when you don't understand why the other kids won't play with you, why you're being excluded. It's lonely. I have a very vivid memory of one day when I was in elementary school - I can't remember how old I was, but it was somewhere between ages 6-8, and there was this one day at recess when the girls wouldn't play with me and I tried to join in with the boys instead, but they wouldn't play with me either, and we weren't allowed to go to the school playground because another class was using it, so I just went over to a tree between where the girls and boys were playing and basically just hugged the tree to hide my crying. 40 years later, that day is still seared in my memory. There were more days like that as I grew up later on, throughout my schooling, where the feeling of being excluded was overwhelmingly lonely. Until I came out at University and got involved in the university's LGBSU (Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Student Union) as it was called at the time, and for the first time ever, I really belonged. And I made friendships that I still have to this day. It was only once I finally knew who I was and could share that openly with the people around me that I finally fit in and was no longer excluded or alone.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm so glad we can tell our stories now and feel accepted. You are so accepted and belong here with our community.
Thanks for sharing your story. When I was at university one of the members of the members of LGBT group was bisexual and complained that many misunderstood him. His straight buddies noted that he had a beautiful and couldn't believe he could be bi. But some of his gay friends complained that he was really gay and still in the closet and would someday realize this. It was a very tough time for hm, I hope everything worked out for him.
Oh my goodness! I can relate to it. As I approached my teens, I always wondered why I am not like other boys. I understand that feeling of being perceived as odd or different. Looking forward to next part! 🙌🏻
Hey thank you so much for saying you relate. Every time we just share our truth someone will relate and it makes us feel less alone. I love that.
Wow ... I relate to that so much ... Except, I'm a girl (well ... A woman, now), and I was very tom boy-ish growing up. For a long time, it was encouraged, because I like sports, was bold and school was more important to me than having crushes on boys. Boys to me, were awesome friends to hang out with, period. But all of the sudden adults started to tell me, I should be more girly (wear more dresses, skirts, being more delicate and be interested in boys).
Hey thank you so much for saying. I love nothing more than when someone really relates but from a female perspective and then shares their experience so others can relate even more. Thank you. How are things now as a grown up?
@@notdefining It's really funny that you ask, because now that I'm getting more and more comfortable with my own bisexuality, I want to express myself more and dress myself more freely. It's a decision I've made recently, actually. Because, for a long time, I've dressed like I was performing... Either for the male gaze or in order to look 'more feminine'. I know my gender expression naviguate between being feminine and androgynous (maybe because of, former my tomboy-ish self remaining somewhere), and I want to dress accordingly.
@@shannymesse4634 hey that’s so great to hear. I bet you look fab.
Thanks for sharing your story man. This was such an eye opener
I honestly feel the same way I felt I was very far off from the feminine and the masculine I felt as if I was somewhere else entirely socially, hard to connect and hard to associate with anyone. In a way I felt like it was difficult to truly be able to communicate what I was feeling considering my friends where all straight in school (high school in this case).
But afterwards as I grew older I noticed my masculinity was a blessing because it’s something I liked but I still did not associate with the macho man culture or the feminine aspect of life. I never got in to macho man groups or girl groups. I always saw them as both people and individuals. I feel that it was a culture shock for you as much as me as we were growing up. I relate a lot to this though our journey is much more different and at my 25 years was the time I actually accessed my identity and felt bisexual. Now I’m too scared to explore further or find any meaningful relationships I do hope I can find someone. :/
I totally get you on this. It can be so rough can't it? PS: all your friends were not "straight" in school! They said they were. hehe. Straight people aren't straight. It's an illusion mostly. But I'll leave you with that thought to ponder. Trust me. I speak to hundreds of "straight" people through my site.
I always associated this with my neurodivergence (ADHD) where you also see things like this happening around that age, prompting the mask. But now I am considering that queerness could have been a part of that too - I was bold, loud, and had my own distinct style (maybe an 8 year old's version of hard femme lol), until I promptly abandoned it due to rejection. There were probably some gender conformity aspects to that. Not to mention that queerness and neurodivergence go together *quite* often.
Yes this was exactly my situation as well.
Thanks for sharing Mark. I can relate. Looking forward to part 2.
Hey thanks so much for saying. It makes me so happy that I can share and connect with others. I invite you to share your story in the comments, if you would like. Mine is only one, and the best is when we can all share our experiences together. In any case, thanks again and sending love.
thank you Mark, for your story. Thank you for your honesty. . Its odd how first impressions are. . I saw you as this really together man. Who probably had loads of friends when you were in school, and even tho you questioned yourself, you were able to keep that hidden from the world, and people just loved you. . Like I said, that was just my impressions of you. Where does that come from? How you come across today I guess. Anyway, I look forward to your next chapter. I too never fit in, and didn't have many friends. But for me, I didn't care. -- Steven
Hey thanks for opening up about this authentic impression. It’s interesting to hear and I’m glad you said that. I am a very together person. Lots of people like me. But the togetherness and “niceness” (as you will hear in upcoming chapters) has come from intense pain and repression. I am so together but actually screaming inside every day 😣 I share my heart online because every time I do it heals a little when lovely people relate and post lovely comments like yours and I feel less lost 🙂🌈 behind every strong person is a story that gave them no choice. This is that story.
This was so interesting to hear! I can't wait to hear the rest of your story. I love how your telling your story in steps and going into great detail. I'm so sorry that the other boys treating you different caused you trauma. As LGBT+ people we can carry a lot of trauma. The truth is, there's no such thing as normal, so there's also no such thing as being weird. Now that I'm older I came to the realization that the way I am is the way I'm meant to be. My natural personality, and me being LGBT+ is natural. The same goes for you, and everyone else too! You have no idea how much I relate to not fitting in with the boys who were all about sports and girls. I'm a creative type of person with a huge imagination and even to this day I'd rather talk about animals, pirates, and aliens over sports any day lol! 😂 I'm gay and when I was younger I always felt confused whenever I was around straight guys because they're like "Women! Women! Women!" And I was never like that. I wanted to fit in with the other boys so I mimicked them. I would force myself to be attracted to Women, because I thought I had to be. As I got older I realized I was gay and I wasn't attracted to women at all. It took me some years to fully accept myself. Now I'm in such an amazing place where I accept myself fully! I have so much joy and peace within myself, that pretending to be someone else would've never brought. Self love and acceptance is so important for everyone who is LGBT+!
I cannot thank you enough for these beautiful words. Thank you. You are my brother. I love you.
@@notdefining No problem, Brother!
My first crush on a girl was when i was 8 yrs old and was a sporty person at primary school. Had my first girlfriend at 13 dated for a full year and thats when the hormones kicked in. When i got 20+ i'm less attracted to women and more to men. I guess i'm gay or just fluid.
Hey thanks for sharing your story. You are so valid and welcome here.
That sounds so much like my childhood. I never associated it with my bisexuality before though.
Hey thanks so much for sharing this. Maybe it is associated maybe not. Maybe it is for some people maybe not. It’s just something that for me was impactful. I’d love to hear more about your story my friend.
so related! thanks for sharing!
Oh hey thanks so much. I'm so glad. If you ever want to share your story in the comments, I would be thrilled. It's the best when we can relate and connect with each other. Otherwise, I will simply thank you once again for the lovely comment. Much love x
@@notdefining yeah thanks! I remember this constant feeling of not knowing how exactly a boy "should behave", once when I was 9 while i was in the park playing with some friends a boy few years older than me, start to telling me that i "should speak like a man" that my voice was too girlie, and the since that day the rest of my friends keep teeling me to speak "like a man"... but what the heck that does it meant?! never understood, I just started to make my voice sounded deeper, at 9 years old!!!... I confess sometimes I still feel the same way like not knowing how a man "should be" (most living in a latin american country where beeing a "macho" used to be the norm) but now I know that those are just social expectations and that I can be free beeing the way I am, so hearing that other guys felt this way in some point of their lifes its kind of release.
@@erickbravo2452 wow thank you so much for sharing this. I relate so much. It’s utterly confusing isn’t it? Anyone who tells you that you “should” be a certain way is lost. So completely lost I can’t even begin to describe. The authentic you as you are is everything you should be. It’s the strongest most shining version of you and I’m so glad that you seem to be unearthing that. Never be told how you should be ever again Erick. You are amazing and perfect and so deserving of everything just as you are. You’re a great man. Thank you for sharing I know so many people will be empowered by your story. Sending so much love. Mark
@@notdefining you are amazing Mark. Hugs from Mexico!
@@erickbravo2452 OMG yay thanks so much. Hugs from Ireland to you too!
I have a question: I haven't had any obvious strokes of bisexuality throughout my childhood, and did not find myself attracted to other boys. Have people become bi from being straight just by having a more open mind? I'm 20 and probably had my first 'attraction thought' a little over a year ago towards another guy BEFORE an having any open mind, since I was religious then. I rebuked the thoughts as soon as they came.
Is this even possible? I'm so lost. I can't tell if my straight guy that appreciates a guy's attractiveness, or if I'm just bisexual.
Thanks
No problem. These thoughts are very normal. Most men have bisexual thoughts at some stage. The truth is, “straight” and “bisexual” aren’t two completely separate things. There’s no dividing line which states the difference between a straight guy who appreciates guys attractiveness and a bisexual guy. It’s up to you how you feel.
Would you like to define as bisexual? If so you can. If not you don’t have to.
Also sometimes we can think of it more in terms of “what do you feel towards guys?” Do you just appreciate them in theory but wouldn’t think about doing anything with them? If so you might be more straight rather than bi.
Do get actively turned on by thinking about guys? Would you like to kiss a guy or have physical intimacy with a guy? In this case it may you have some shade of bisexuality at this time.
Just questions to consider.
I’m always here to help.
I remember the adult man next door neighbor calling me sissy la la every time he saw me. I relate to this 100%
Hey thank you for sharing this. How did this feel when he said that? It sounds like he hated a part of himself.
@@notdefining it made me feel small and ashamed of myself. I was like 6 mind you. It’s funny both of his kids grew up to be gay.
@@anthonylombardo2869 I’m sorry you had to go through that my friend. Do you feel small and ashamed now? I hope not. It’s ok to feel it sometimes though.
@@notdefining only sometimes. I have plenty of tools now a days to take care of myself and your channel is one of them!
@@anthonylombardo2869 oh wow I’m so happy to hear this. Thank you. That made my day.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤🤍
Hey thanks for the love
I've had the same experience. Terrible feeling.
Hey thanks for relating
Hi
Unrelated but you speak so much like Chris Martin 😅 a little in the voice but mostly the cadence
Haha thanks.
Children are cruel ! Simple like that …
Yes, they are taught to be. It's funny how now that parents and schools don't actively teach hate towards Queer people, the young generation of kids aren't cruel like that anymore. Simple like that! haha
I don't understand what such a big deal with male bisexuality is. Usually male bisexuals are primarily straight. There's no gay tag associated with them. There's no stigma of a man and another man. So what's the big idea?