I don't want to live anymore // Fuji X-T3

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  • เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 เม.ย. 2019
  • First and foremost, thank you for watching. All of these things I say about my depression are my own thoughts and I am not a professional by any stretch of the imagination. With that being said, I hope this helps someone.
    I was using this video for two things, to continue my story, in dealing with my depression, and to use the Eterna film simulation and push it fairly hard.
    I purposefully shot it at a completely wrong color temperature, to see how it would handle a correction in post.
    It was shot in 4k, DR 200, ISO 800, F/2.8, 16-55mm lens, HVEC 10 bit, 400 mbps

ความคิดเห็น • 144

  • @NothingHereI
    @NothingHereI ปีที่แล้ว +14

    When some strange people on the Internet understands you more than the one said they love you

  • @Infroblxckent
    @Infroblxckent ปีที่แล้ว +20

    I always feel alone. I never thought I’d feel this isolated. I have no one to talk to and even if I did I don’t want to waste anyones time

    • @CombraStudios
      @CombraStudios 7 หลายเดือนก่อน

      Hello. This isolation is unspoken. It's an invisible demon that drags you down and makes you look like a fool while in reality you spend so much of your precious little energy to fight him and have nothing left for your actual life. You tried to speak about it but the barrier didn't let other people see that underlying issue you were trying to show them so you gave up, you kept it for yourself and spared your loved ones from it. For every step forward in life you make 9 steps in hell and hope that it's enough for today.

  • @JoseLopez-lv9lf
    @JoseLopez-lv9lf 2 ปีที่แล้ว +35

    That feeling when the sun rises , and you wake up to the same nightmare. And have to find a reason to keep u alive literally, prayers to everybody going thru dark moments, it shall pass bc nothing last forever hope you find the light at the end of the tunnel and be free and you find the joy to live again 🙏

    • @TheFracturedfuture
      @TheFracturedfuture ปีที่แล้ว +1

      From my 30 something years of living I've come to realize that dark tunnels do end but are just replaced with other dar tunnels. In essence there will be dark tunnels as long as we are alive.
      We don't get to pass through a dark tunnel and then everything is sunshine and rainbows for the rest of our lives.

    • @mercedesf1fan176
      @mercedesf1fan176 5 หลายเดือนก่อน

      It’s been 5 years

    • @sumiedisplay
      @sumiedisplay 4 หลายเดือนก่อน

      this comment literally made me cry. I hate when the sun rises

    • @JoseLopez-lv9lf
      @JoseLopez-lv9lf 4 หลายเดือนก่อน

      @@sumiedisplay blessings ❤🥰 I hope you ok.

  • @stickytopics
    @stickytopics 2 ปีที่แล้ว +21

    I'm just existing... I'm just waiting (and praying) for death. Not suicidal, but there was once I had a vision of me just taking a leap off the edge. I just don't want to live in this world, I just want to disappear. Yes there are so many things to be grateful for, there's so much beauty in life, yes, some days I feel motivated and inspired and hopeful... but them the cycle between up and down repeats over, and over, and over again. Anger, disappointment, frustration, hatred, upset..... and I hate this cycle. I hate it. I just want it to end.

    • @tiana2906
      @tiana2906 11 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

      I'm 32 and I badly want to pass away, I no longer want to be on this planet

    • @stickytopics
      @stickytopics 11 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

      @@tiana2906 I feel ya

    • @ariella4444
      @ariella4444 10 หลายเดือนก่อน

      @@tiana2906Ohhhhh there’s nothing I want more than just leaving this fucking earth that had given me nothing but suffering and misery.

    • @babounce100
      @babounce100 7 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      This place is rough
      What the hell is going on?

    • @adamedwards4839
      @adamedwards4839 หลายเดือนก่อน

      Honestly i am really looking forward to that day

  • @PioLisieux
    @PioLisieux ปีที่แล้ว +21

    Must be nice to have people in your life

    • @customjuices
      @customjuices 4 หลายเดือนก่อน

      seriously.

  • @barryclegg9961
    @barryclegg9961 2 ปีที่แล้ว +10

    I just want to sleep and never wake up

  • @krakon6565
    @krakon6565 5 ปีที่แล้ว +39

    I feel your pain. I don't want to live anymore either. I've got a tumor in my groin area, I'm 64 years old, arthritis has made walking or using my hands next to impossible, I also have Crohns disease which in itself is a debilitating nightmare, I have no family, no friends, I can't work, I live on a few hundred dollars a month from disability and never have enough food to eat just two meals a day. I am so depressed and have zero hope. Found out yesterday that my landlord is selling the house I've been renting for the last 28 years and I'm going to lose my cat whom I raised from a tiny baby and has been my closest friend and family for the last 12 years. Can't find anything I can afford to rent and nobody takes cats it seems.. A hand full of pills is sounding better and better everyday. I can't do this. It's a nightmare. See you're not alone in your agony.

    • @NickRiceFilm
      @NickRiceFilm  5 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Krakon I never thought I was alone in my agony. Life for some is much harder at times. My life has been extremely hard at times and other times it’s ok. Your story is very heart wrenching. I’m so sorry you’re going thru all of that and literally nothing I can say will help you, more than likely. Love comes in many forms and a lot of times we believe no one loves us or we are alone. But for me, I’ve found a lot of solace thru the empathy I’ve been dealt thru others or me dealing empathy to others. I cannot understand what it is your exactly going thru and I really am sorry you are going thru all that crap. I hope things turn around for you and I hope you stay strong thru it all.

    • @TheGarlicfather
      @TheGarlicfather ปีที่แล้ว

      My friend ask Allah for help sincerely…. And In Sha Allah he wil help you through this difficult time you are experiencing. Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, "No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that." You’re probably not a muslim but i hope you will find some relief faith and hope in that.

    • @alaukikdeepboparai8131
      @alaukikdeepboparai8131 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@NickRiceFilmLife is a scam. It is only for people who are rich, smart, and/or lucky.

    • @genesisroi1358
      @genesisroi1358 ปีที่แล้ว

      Are you still okay, sir?

    • @Notbothered1
      @Notbothered1 ปีที่แล้ว

      I'm so sorry dear one. I hope you found peace ❤

  • @BMarquese2010
    @BMarquese2010 3 ปีที่แล้ว +56

    Ready to end it all...darkness is forever present. I agree with you but all I’ve wanted was love and no one has been there...

    • @NickRiceFilm
      @NickRiceFilm  3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      I’m sorry man that this is overwhelming you. I’m in a similar boat my man. What’s going on?

    • @_jakelaxton
      @_jakelaxton ปีที่แล้ว

      light is also forever present and its patiently waiting for you when you find peace in your self and when you accept the love and accept the feelings that the depression is throwing at you and overcome them instead of denying these feelings and trying to hide from them.

    • @TheFracturedfuture
      @TheFracturedfuture ปีที่แล้ว +1

      ​@@_jakelaxtonLight isn't forever present. Life is a mix if both light and dark with the majority of it being darkness.

    • @lamefuqq6985
      @lamefuqq6985 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@_jakelaxtonthere isn’t a light

    • @krystaldipa-wc5gi
      @krystaldipa-wc5gi 11 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      ​@@NickRiceFilmjesus can free and heal you and give your burdened heart rest.
      Jesus christ is the only begotten son who is the lord and savior
      Who died on the cross for the sins of whoever will believe in him .
      The bible tells us that we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalitys and powers here. There are demonic forces that want god's creation to feel hopeless depressed sad and broken . But there is hope in christ sir jesus loves you he wants to take your burdens away . God bless you❤

  • @lofijunky
    @lofijunky 2 ปีที่แล้ว +10

    thank you so much for opening up and having the bravery to post this to help other people. i’ve been scouring youtube for videos that could maybe help me feel less alone and this one did.

  • @silviarocha8582
    @silviarocha8582 3 ปีที่แล้ว +9

    I don’t want to live anymore. I just breathe for my kids.

    • @NickRiceFilm
      @NickRiceFilm  3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      I feel this. I hope you get some help and get better. Life is hard and sucks a lot.

  • @DaveItYourselfChannel
    @DaveItYourselfChannel 4 ปีที่แล้ว +5

    Brother, first off I wanted to wish you the best and I hope the love you had while making this video swarms and warms you daily. Secondly, thank you for being direct, honest and true. I watched your entire video and I can related to everything that you had dealt with as I am currently dealing with it for over a decade and it has only gotten worse over the past few years. Your broken camera story is completely relatable, unfortunately. The "monster", the "darkness" are for real like and exactly like trying to run through fresh concrete while being chased in the dark. I listened to what you said and I actually heard you too! I, like you were, have a very difficult time talking to anyone and now at this point in my life, my wife and actual friends are no longer present. Therefore I forge on by keeping the battle to myself and use the "I'm good" 'shield' way too often. I have arrived at a crossroads in my life and I have begun praying for salvation as I am in dire straits. Perhaps your video here coming up in my feed is a whispered answer. There is always another day as long I make one. So again, thank you and my heartfelt regards go to you and yours! - Dave

  • @Zen36977
    @Zen36977 ปีที่แล้ว +4

    Brother. I feel exactly the same right now.

  • @Sunrazor
    @Sunrazor ปีที่แล้ว +4

    I know this video is old. But this is the one video I have found that is honest. From the heart. I have a girlfriend that has suffered burnout and fatigue syndrom. And I have put myself aside so much to help her that I am falling. So many things I miss. Affection, sex, love. I know she can't give what she want. I love her so much. But I am falling apart. As a guy you don't seem to have anyone to talk to. I have friends. But no one to talk to. I just don't want to be alive anymore.

  • @isabellacastillo5813
    @isabellacastillo5813 ปีที่แล้ว +4

    I’m ready to go and I feel like my time is coming very soon

    • @shaunwalker4221
      @shaunwalker4221 ปีที่แล้ว

      Me too I suffered so much I just think I'd be better of dead and I'll be in a better place I'm 22 years old and have adhd

    • @tiana2906
      @tiana2906 11 หลายเดือนก่อน

      ​@@shaunwalker4221I'm 32 and waiting to pass away

    • @NiaMSnow
      @NiaMSnow 11 หลายเดือนก่อน

      Me too I just know I'm not gonna live long

    • @shaunwalker4221
      @shaunwalker4221 11 หลายเดือนก่อน

      @@NiaMSnow keep fighting everyday and try god will help you if you let him life is very low at times and also very high sometimes so hang in there and appreciate the little things that you have like food clothes shelter that’s what I try do stay positive

  • @lincolnlee6042
    @lincolnlee6042 4 ปีที่แล้ว +11

    hey nick i know i’m late. i know how you feel, i’m 15 and my parents got divorced 4 years ago and i’ve struggled with it since. i’ve resulted to cutting myself and just being bitter all the time. i don’t wanna hurt myself anymore but it’s just there. in the end though God is helping me get better. God will help you too. i’ve since then stopped hurting myself but those thoughts are still there. i’ll be praying for you nick

  • @bmkq2007
    @bmkq2007 5 ปีที่แล้ว +8

    Man, this is really excelling representation of a lot of individuals that are struggling in life. Lovely way of telling it. I remember the first video I saw for you and I believe it was about the XT3 in the woods. I knew you are special and unique in style and genuinity. Keep it up bro

    • @NickRiceFilm
      @NickRiceFilm  5 ปีที่แล้ว

      B thanks man! I really appreciate the kind words and support! Hoping to make many more

  • @antonngata9975
    @antonngata9975 5 ปีที่แล้ว +3

    Prayers for you, Nick. Dont put too much pressure on yourself. Keep your head up, life could always be better but it could also be worst. Being able to wake up every morning and breathe is a blessing in itself. Wishing you the best and hope things get better for you.

    • @NickRiceFilm
      @NickRiceFilm  5 ปีที่แล้ว

      Anton Ngata thank you brother. Appreciate the love

  • @lucasarnold1813
    @lucasarnold1813 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    Thank you, for getting me through today. I really emphasized without you on calling your dad because mine died when I was 9. I’ve always wanted to do that. Just reminding me that the people that love you now will love you, even if your sad or hurt

  •  3 ปีที่แล้ว +6

    This is beautiful! Thank you for your vulnerability!

    • @NickRiceFilm
      @NickRiceFilm  3 ปีที่แล้ว

      Thank you 🙏 I appreciate your kind words.

  • @toinekreeftenberg8848
    @toinekreeftenberg8848 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    I dont know if you wil see this but i just want to say that this is one of the best video's i have ever seen. I see that it comes straight from your heart and that you understand the people that need this video...

  • @hourglassdestiny1486
    @hourglassdestiny1486 4 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    thank you for sharing this message :) and indeed yes, love always wins

  • @mr.lama.687
    @mr.lama.687 9 หลายเดือนก่อน

    You have touched the heart of a teenager even after 4 years. Thank you.

  • @vishal_trivedi
    @vishal_trivedi 4 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    This is art, in its purest form. I don’t know how a string of searching xt3 videos brought me to this one, but of course the life experienced sufferer in me had to click. I will say this though, without boring too much of personal details - I’ve observed/counselled and been through an immense amount, to say the least... I would sum up everything in a few learnings worthwhile extending, and I hope they make sense:
    1.focus determines reality
    2. You touched on this already, love is all you need (Beatles were dead on).
    3. Brain chemistry - absolutely imperative that one consult with a physician/ therapist to come up with a treatment plan. Research is constantly advancing and there are some great options including some unique alternative options.
    4. if you’ve done 3 and it doesn’t work, keep at it, but also take a closer look at what you are eating, perhaps a radical change in what you eat may help. Example Jordan Peterson has claimed success with treating a debilitating chronic depression with a carnivore diet. This may not be for you, or it might? The ultimate point being...
    5. Try and try again. Keep your head up, even though the road is hard, never give up.
    Thank you for producing this piece, i feel you.

  • @CactusHugger99
    @CactusHugger99 5 ปีที่แล้ว +7

    I got in a car accident that almost killed me a few years ago. I was knocked unconscious for... too long. Enough that I shouldn't have ever woken up. (minutes, enough for the car to get cold, and covered in snow)
    After that accident, I was a completely different person. I was depressed, stressed, and couldn't remember anything. I couldn't remember the accident, plans I'd made, things I'd said I'd do, even things I really WANTED to do got forgotten.
    What hit me most was the anger though. I was depressed, but what got to me was how uncharacteristically angry I got at meaningless things. I yelled, I punched the wall, etc. I was a completely different person. A worse person. And at times, I wanted to die.
    Turns out I was having pretty bad panic attacks: not every panic attack feels or looks like anxiety; it triggers the fight-or-flight mechanism... sometimes, if things aren't quite right, your brain says fight, instead of flee. I suspect this might be the case with you (as it was with me) A stressful moment, where someone/thing you cared about was at risk, and you panicked, like anyone would. But the anger is panic too, and it's vital that people dealing with depression and anxiety realized that. It was really hard for me, but with better medication, therapy, and time, it's gotten to a place where I can live again.
    I know this is just some random internet comment, but I can't urge you enough to talk to a healthcare professional about this; any of them worth their salt will know it's a panic attack, and should be able to help you deal with it.

    • @TheBeatSmash
      @TheBeatSmash 3 ปีที่แล้ว

      Medication makes it worse not better

  • @Aspecto5
    @Aspecto5 5 ปีที่แล้ว +7

    This is the direction I believe your channel should go. I just began my journey of personal developement and although I don't have the same internal battle as yourself, I'm sure there's a multitude of people out there that need to hear you say these raw words.

  • @desirekokuvi
    @desirekokuvi 5 ปีที่แล้ว +9

    That is really important advice - and well to me it always feels easier said than done. I honestly feel like nobody knows me. Really knows me. I genuinely think, at least for me that only God knows me enough for me to be loved before during and after. But the advice is sound, thank you. I will try and use it. Keep talking man...takes courage,

    • @zp6097
      @zp6097 4 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Hi. Have you researched personality traits? There is one that nails me, INFJ. Watch some of those videos, it might give you a framework of who you are and who others are. It can’t hurt, we are already at the bottom.

    • @JonathanVachon777
      @JonathanVachon777 2 ปีที่แล้ว

      Well said

    • @PricelessBinkey1337
      @PricelessBinkey1337 2 ปีที่แล้ว

      The only advice im getting is dont take your friends dog for a walk

  • @marcinwaz7879
    @marcinwaz7879 4 ปีที่แล้ว +4

    You inspire like nobody else

  • @brainfart_
    @brainfart_ 2 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    something about this video calm me down, take a step back and re-evaluate my live, something that I barely do in the past 5 years. Today I reach out bunch of my old friends that I practically not talkin to in the past 2 years. And I realize, god just separated in mere one or two years make our friendship seems so distant.

  • @majamaja3721
    @majamaja3721 2 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    Thank You. The ones who love me would never know how to help me which makes me sink more and more but as soon as I save some money, I will try to find adequate professional help.

  • @aneulbis
    @aneulbis 10 หลายเดือนก่อน

    From the age 15 I wanted to have a cancer. No, not because I wanted attention, I had a lot, but I just didn’t enjoy living. I just don’t like it. Beautiful stuff happened in my life and I still never wanted to live. I don’t care if I’m mentally I’ll or not, I just truly don’t like to live. I don’t understand it and I have no idea what’s the point. People around me say something like - we know you’re hurt now, but we also know that tomorrow you’ll find something that interests you and you’ll get your interest in life again. But the point is that tomorrow I won’t find anything interesting, tomorrow I’ll just have more strength to pretend that I’m okay. Of course sometimes I want to die not as much as on the daily basis, but this willing of stopping breathing never fades away. And I’m to weak to end my life by myself. I can’t do it and all I can do is wait.

  • @gm836
    @gm836 2 ปีที่แล้ว +3

    I have no desire to do anything that I need to do. I give up so easily.

  • @tennoklark
    @tennoklark 4 ปีที่แล้ว +5

    i don't want to live anymore

  • @LFnova9
    @LFnova9 2 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    Thank you for your video. There is no one to talk to. I have no parents or family. No friends either, I mean real friends that actually care I don't have any. I call these help lines for mental health, like suicide prevention phone calls... and because there is no mental health care in my city for those on Government Assistance, I'm suffering relentlessly. I told my doctor, I begged for a therapist so many times. Medications never help. Nobody cares. I hope for a miracle.

  • @gin.k
    @gin.k ปีที่แล้ว +12

    Not everyone has "people who love them".
    But I appreciate the video nonetheless. I can relate to the feelings. But definitely not the 'having people around' part.

    • @NickRiceFilm
      @NickRiceFilm  11 หลายเดือนก่อน

      I love you.

  • @IvoKamberski
    @IvoKamberski 7 หลายเดือนก่อน

    We lost everything because we lost ourself a long time ago.
    R.I.P to us!

  • @partylikeitsyourbirthday..6494
    @partylikeitsyourbirthday..6494 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    That dog means a lot to you and your wife didn't care

  • @sgshaday
    @sgshaday 11 หลายเดือนก่อน

    Thank you for this. I know that talking about hinge out should help. For the most part it has. I lost the two people that gave themselves the task to know me. I was already in a tentative state of mind before my parents were killed in an accident. I barely survived it. Physically, I can walk at least but my eyesight is now the same, my mollar hurts.
    I reached out to a friend and let her know but she just wrote a phrase in return. A Hallmark type of thing, and hasn't called or anything. I've tried to let my brother know, but he's pushed me to 'get over it', 'move on'... I live on my own with only a dog and my brother is leaving the area to go back home. I'll be alone then with just my dog. I've found more judgment from him than anything else and the ironic thing is that, he was also suicidal for some time. But maybe he forgot what that felt like and I've gotten more hurtful things from him or such, than anything that helps. His wife doesn't much help anyone in need. When I could barely move around I tried cooking for myself and failed, so went days without eating or eating whatever I could find. My brother... He is going home to make space on our childhood house, toss everything of our parents out, and put his stuff there. Even my room will change to accommodate my nieces, so, basically, I don't have a home to go back to.
    Ive made the math. He wouldn't have to pay for my loans and I'm working on a will. I already have harmed myself and the only thing that keeps me here is my faith and my aunt who calls me every day. I used to call my parents every day...
    In any case. For those struggling: you're not alone. I can't tell you to give yourself time. That things will get better. I haven't experienced this myself. But I do hope that something will change. It's day after day after day, and take note that some days feel a little lighter than others. Maybe this feeling will increase with time somehow. Hold onto that.

  • @jopaul32
    @jopaul32 2 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    Thank you for having the courage to honestly and openly share! A rare attribute that I respect and am grateful for!!! However... for some of us there is NO ONE to talk to. No friends, no family, can't afford a professional, God is an absentee father and if God does exist... designed life to be brutal. Big pharma wants dependency in continued anesthetization. There is no solution to some of the deeper woes in life. There is NO ONE to talk to! All that is left is my fear of death.

  • @naeru5810
    @naeru5810 2 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    Imagine if you didn't have a wife. I don't understand how people have family, spouse and don't want to live. You can't be hard on yourself. You are human. Tell her you are sorry. You don't want to live bc you got a fight and worried for your dog?? It shows you are good bc of your concern. We got one life, don't waste it beating your self up. Have fun.

  • @MikeJackson690
    @MikeJackson690 2 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    Here because I don't want to live anymore, either. Life has been pointless ever since my last relationship ended 3.5 years ago. I've done my best but I seem incapable of loving anyone else, and I can't find much meaning without someone by my side.
    Life ended for me at 31 after years of struggling with self-esteem, betrayal and a negative upbringing. There is no point.
    Your episode with your wife is how I became with my ex. Irrational, aggressive shouting pushed her away. It seems like you've noticed signs early enough to fix it. You'll be ok 🙂

  • @madhatter217
    @madhatter217 9 หลายเดือนก่อน

    You are 100 % correct, but some people have no one.

  • @NiaMSnow
    @NiaMSnow 11 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    I just want to be done with this life. I'm so exhausted

  • @joelschneider6966
    @joelschneider6966 2 ปีที่แล้ว

    Thank you

  • @SkipYearSix
    @SkipYearSix 10 หลายเดือนก่อน

    I’ve just been diagnosed with permenant dry eye disease at 30 and feel this way.

  • @mojtabamohammadi
    @mojtabamohammadi ปีที่แล้ว +2

    i know is too late but forgive yourself.
    nobody can save you from your world because there are not 😑 complete too.
    loved your self first ❤️

    • @NickRiceFilm
      @NickRiceFilm  ปีที่แล้ว

      It’s not too late to forgive yourself (I have) but it’s a great reminder. Thank you.

  • @juancedeno5436
    @juancedeno5436 11 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    i havent been able to get a job for more than a year im trying my best besides depression but life brought my health issues that are not deadly but painfull and expensive to treat id rather die because i live woth te constant feeling that i dont have enough money to live cant hang out with friends, cant find love and cant keep myself alive
    i might die without suicide because im not strong enough to take my life away

  • @teeh.4754
    @teeh.4754 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    What do you do when she doesn’t love you anymore after…. Because she is gone and without her… what’s the point

  • @j-u-n-g-l-i-s-t1544
    @j-u-n-g-l-i-s-t1544 ปีที่แล้ว

    Thankyou for sharing

  • @WhiteCrownlessQueen
    @WhiteCrownlessQueen 8 หลายเดือนก่อน

    I don't want to live cause of my loved one. He's the only one I'd reach for, but I think he's the main reason. And that's killing me inside. And I don't want to live anymore.

  • @pjgomez1181
    @pjgomez1181 2 ปีที่แล้ว

    I feel what you was going through and I feel like that I feel like I can’t do anything right or wrong and there just time I just push my self away then I get lost and then I don’t want to be around and I feel like I’m just a problem and I feel like it would be easier if I’m just out the pic I feel like nobody knows or care what I try to do and it’s just seems like I’m the only one so it just push me back instead of them pushing me away and I don’t want to be around

  • @Honeygooyumy69
    @Honeygooyumy69 5 ปีที่แล้ว +3

    Kia kaha (be strong) Nick ..I was like that myself for over 15 years because of something I had done as a teenager to my girlfriend of the time. She did not give me consent to have sex with her at a party and kept saying no! But as the saying went "No means Yes" and I continued thinking we were having a playful teasing session, she was just playing hard to get. Which was the last time we were together and after that the hate I was getting from her friends wasn't pleasant but I just brushed it off until i moved to London from New Zealand to do my OE. 6 years later when I was in London I fell hard for an english rose only for her to kick me to the kerb as it was just a fling for her before she went back to uni.
    Through that experience of the break up it took me back to that fateful moment of the party and my ex girlfriend and the matters that unfolded that night rock me to the bottom of the pit and felt ashamed, dirty, low down dirty dog and that's how I lived my life for many a years almost coming to the point of ending it all until my brother could see the battle i was going through dealing with these painful memories.
    Even though my ex and I meet up many years later, she said she had forgiven me for what I had done to her. I thanked her but deep inside I felt I didn't deserve this forgiveness from her and continued to sabotage my life. I felt angry myself, about myself but would take it out on the ones who were dear to me.
    There is much more to the story and I have had many challenges along the way! With challenges there comes growth but at times it feels we cannot escape these dark feelings going on inside our minds. Stay strong dude and look for the simple little things as the negative will dominate our thoughts in situations like these likened to a flower that gets pelted by the wind, rain and snow, once the storm has eased will we allow to have our light shine to except those amazing things that we have hidden under the haze of destruction ...Peace and Love Mike

    • @NickRiceFilm
      @NickRiceFilm  5 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Manwell Haumu heck of a story you got there. I’m glad y’all were able to meet up and reconcile. I do know that that feeling kinda lingers with people like us. I’ve done some stuff I’m not proud of and have reconciled everything with the individuals, but the pain is still there.

    • @Honeygooyumy69
      @Honeygooyumy69 5 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@NickRiceFilm Yes it will always be ever present bro ...it will lose its impact over time, only if we allow it ..but its awesome to know it shall not define us!

  • @chrisstyles7095
    @chrisstyles7095 10 หลายเดือนก่อน

    I'm so there now. I've had enough

  • @dananz6727
    @dananz6727 3 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    Its so tiring to keep going, ive wanted to go for years, but could never do that to my mother ... i was always going to wait until she went, then i'd go. Ive moved countries for 15 years to escape? run? from things, but i end up in the same space ... i want to sleep.
    is anyone out there?

  • @Aesthetic_leen
    @Aesthetic_leen ปีที่แล้ว

    It frustrates me we spiritualists and religion says that if I "do" something in this life , I'll be facing the same problem in the best life and in more intensity in the upcoming life untill I "learn my lesson" or less I'll suffer in the next life as well. This is the only fear because of which I still exist today.
    I swear I overcame every obstacle, without a complaint,I never gave up ...I m not a coward ,I'm a fighter I know ,I have always tried to thrive , leaving this planet was never an option , I wanted to learn and grow and I was happy learn from bad experience.. but sometimes it's the limit , dude , here I see my life being destroyed for ever ... And I'm told I'll have a worse rebirth is I don't "learn my lesson". It's not that I gave up this time. I did everything to help myself Everytime as well , I'm trying but I swear this time nothing is helping..
    Should I suffer until I become numb from inside just because of the fear that I'll be thrown into similar situation and even worse ones because I didn't overcome them in this life?

  • @mikelis50productions
    @mikelis50productions ปีที่แล้ว +1

    Hi Nick! I don't know what to say! this really stabbed me in the heart, because i know how you feel. When i was 14, i lost my mother in a car accident, i was in the car as well. They never punished the man who scraped the rear end of my moms car, police ''had'' evidence, but it never went further. since then, i am struggling with myself. Anger, rage, sadness, impulsive. I am 29 now. about a week ago, me and my girlfriend broke up. We were supposed to marry in about half of a year, but i destroyed it with my anger. First time i met her, i was in a dark place, debating on whether to take my own life, or just find some way for some illness to take me away. She gave me hope.
    I know i am not a bad person, but with all the anger i have inside me, i turn everything i touch in to shit! I just feel like i am not meant to live. Maybe some day i will muster my guts and just do it. I know that is not the right thing to do, but i just don't have the will to live anymore. I hate what i do, i hate my life and where it's going, i hate myself.
    I am a mess. GN.

    • @NickRiceFilm
      @NickRiceFilm  ปีที่แล้ว

      I am very sorry. I really hope that you don’t take your life. It seems like you need some time to forgive and love yourself. I am very sorry though that you feel this way and life sucks so badly for you. I do hope you can find any help and that will help get you going again. Life is super hard and sometimes terrible, but it’s also very beautiful.

  • @ciarancairns9923
    @ciarancairns9923 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    I'm just selfish and awkward. I do care, I just don't fit in. I'm happy I'll die. I'm sad to hear things aren't working the way you want either, hopefully it all work out ok either way

  • @Gonthesocials
    @Gonthesocials 9 หลายเดือนก่อน

    Just lost my mom, I told myself not to check out because I didn’t want to hurt her. Now she’s gone and I really don’t have the energy to pursue dreams and goals. I wanted a family and wife but I am not even worth dating. Only relationships I’ve had were short lived or with abusive women. I don’t care about anything anymore. I’m mid thirties and don’t see a way out of the horrible disparity i feel when I’m alone

  • @dananz6727
    @dananz6727 3 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    do you get notifications about comments still? I am sitting here ready to go. Is there anyone who can skype and talk with me?

  • @tonejung
    @tonejung 2 ปีที่แล้ว

    Ive been in similar positions myself. I see the up and ups. But its always tempered with the downs. Tired of it all.

  • @shoedil812
    @shoedil812 10 หลายเดือนก่อน

    I totally understand you my man.... But you had a dad that picked up the phone....
    I just simmer in my depression on my own...

  • @ThatOneChannelinAZ
    @ThatOneChannelinAZ 2 ปีที่แล้ว

    *Thanks for sharing this* I am now 41* I lost my grand parents 3 days apart and my sister and mom killed themselves like 34 days apart. I have no family or loved ones. I have stage 2C cancer now all in the same year. I dont want to live anymore but i dont want to kill myself. I have know one. Women trash me because i am so nice. I am in live with a girl that doesn't like me.

  • @Pbadome1
    @Pbadome1 11 หลายเดือนก่อน

    After 6 minutes in the video, I had felt enough of his pain. There isn't enough medication, friends and family, or therapy that can make you better.
    Suicide is not an option, unless you are completely alone and you leave no one behind, but even suicide is a massive undertaking. There are those that I've heard and read about over the years that do it, and I am almost sure that when they reach that point, they're already dead inside and have no feeling when they plan it and complete it.
    What are suicidal tendencies, I wonder if that's me? I thought that the things that I do were from being an adrenaline junkie, but, it may be because I just don't care anymore.
    I am a healthy married man with children and friends and family, but even that, as good as it is, can not reach the depths of my depression to help. I still feel alone, and every small thing that I've done for the past 62 years of my life, as much as I've done good, I don't want credit or thank you, nor do I want forgiveness for some of the miserable things I've done.
    I'm still here, but I still joke about, "I'm 62, if I go tomorrow my wife will be rich. What's the difference, I'm not going to create anything, what's my purpose for tomorrow?"
    I continue to get through the day because people depend on me, wife, kids, family, but at some point, I'm going to go, and I don't care if it's tomorrow.

  • @ariella4444
    @ariella4444 10 หลายเดือนก่อน

    No one is as miserable and hopeless as I am. I don’t want to stay here anymore. There’s no life for me here. There’s nothing for me here. Everything is deeply dark. Very very dark that I just can’t see anything anymore. It’s just misery, misery, and more misery. I have no reason to stay here anymore. I want to go. I need to go. I can’t suffer anymore

  • @Ihavenohandle....
    @Ihavenohandle.... ปีที่แล้ว +1

    What do you do when you try to talk too your father about it and he walks away pointing at strangers because he's embarrassed and worried that other people will hear and what they might think?

    • @NickRiceFilm
      @NickRiceFilm  ปีที่แล้ว

      I’m not sure. My father is dead.

    • @Ihavenohandle....
      @Ihavenohandle.... ปีที่แล้ว

      Hopefully he was better than mine.

    • @NickRiceFilm
      @NickRiceFilm  ปีที่แล้ว

      @@Ihavenohandle.... he was great. But he had his flaws. He would say things like your dad probably did. But was often embarrassed/worried when he didn’t know what was going on. Helping inform him helped but I couldn’t change him, he needed a heart change. And it happened. But I couldn’t force him to. But now he is dead and I miss him more than any of the stuff I hated about him. Hopefully your dad can change too.

  • @davejarvis7522
    @davejarvis7522 2 ปีที่แล้ว

    Wow -

  • @davidbarrett9012
    @davidbarrett9012 ปีที่แล้ว

    Im in the same boat bro
    . I hope your still alive... God keeps telling me to go on but the devil is a mf .. hes real he will deceive you.. god bless you homie

  • @mjguidet3887
    @mjguidet3887 7 หลายเดือนก่อน

    There is no love. There is no light. I'm 62. I've never known love. I never will. What's the point?

  • @braille5575
    @braille5575 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    I would have done it a long time ago if there wasn't a price to pay.

    • @allhopeabandon7831
      @allhopeabandon7831 10 หลายเดือนก่อน

      I am trying to convince myself that there isn't a price to pay...that I would be received with awe in that I lasted so long under the circumstances I endured...like when the explorers such as Ponce DeLeon returned from a long adventure...

  • @stacybelcourt6492
    @stacybelcourt6492 ปีที่แล้ว

    Me too

  • @nancyvillarreal776
    @nancyvillarreal776 11 หลายเดือนก่อน

    My past three years have been such hell. I hate my life I hate living I'm here all by myself day-in-day-out I did try to attempt suicide once. People look at you like you're crazy but it's not that we're crazy we just don't want to live anymore we are tired we are tired mentally and physically. I don't have anybody to talk to their just tired of listening to me say I'm depressed nobody really wants to help anymore so I'm getting close to the first time that I don't have an out I feel I'm backed into a corner that the only way out is to take my life.😢 God help me.

    • @elsamercier6898
      @elsamercier6898 8 หลายเดือนก่อน

      I wish you wellness. It's just so hard but I hope things change man.

  • @starflyer3219
    @starflyer3219 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    "I just want to bring good news." Yeah, I've seen this attitude with guys. And not to generalise, but girls don't expect that. I mean, it's nice and all, everyone loves good news, but we don't mind talking about the dark stuff. Talk.

  • @yamil989898
    @yamil989898 2 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    Tengo ganas de ponerme una soga en el cuello.
    Me siento no solo vacío, sino sin ganas, cansado, derrotado. ni siquiera se porque estoy comentando aca y encima en español. me quiero morir.

  • @kerryelainahayes-warrior
    @kerryelainahayes-warrior 9 หลายเดือนก่อน

    Hang onto your wife I'm alone. I've lost everything. I don't want to love anymore

  • @shoug325
    @shoug325 ปีที่แล้ว

    الله المستعان

  • @Thepeopleschamp1983_
    @Thepeopleschamp1983_ ปีที่แล้ว +1

    At least you have a wife. I don't have anyone. No friends. No wife. No kids. My mom want me to die. And i agreed

  • @treatmenice1564
    @treatmenice1564 4 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    I reached out and got kicked in the head.

    • @NickRiceFilm
      @NickRiceFilm  4 ปีที่แล้ว

      Treatmenice what does that mean?

  • @lukegordon1493
    @lukegordon1493 2 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    I'm from the UK I wish I had a gun

    • @Bhappi137
      @Bhappi137 ปีที่แล้ว

      I hope you’re ok Luke, I’m from the U.K. 😢

    • @tiana2906
      @tiana2906 11 หลายเดือนก่อน

      Same here, I want to pass away. I'm done with life 😢

  • @Justafeller
    @Justafeller 9 หลายเดือนก่อน

    I don't want to be strong anymore. I don't want to just get through it. I'm 50 and I look around at old friends and others and realize im a complete failure at life. Its too late to do anything that will leave me any honor. Im not needed by anyone. Ive been rejected and judged my entire life. Im not looking for answers anymore. Just hope someone reads this one day, but in all seriousness Ive flown under the radar my entire life and i don't expect anything different now. I feel like everything i touch or come in contact with fails. I just don't care anymore. I had a chance and i blew it. But then i was never smart enough. Never had the ability to make good decisions. Ive never been good at anything and most people eventually dont like me. Im kind and i help others but i end up a doormat and the center of gossip. Its like ive had a dark cloud over me my entire life. No luck at all. No brains to be successful. Im a loner. Im just existing. A failure with no hope. I believe in God but thats not changed the fact that ultimately ive failed at everything. I even failed my kids. Im a throw away.

  • @PricelessBinkey1337
    @PricelessBinkey1337 2 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    Because your wife not only doesn't care but will leave you as soon as you so much as hint at your weaknesses. She will trade up the moment that you even expose yourself as not the complete package. Women do not care about men, women care about what men can do for them.
    Ever wonder why your natural inclination is to hold things from your wife? Or any man for that matter? Because despite what society would have you tell being open/vulnerable is not an attractive trait in men. And things like Pillow Talk will make you be less respected in her eyes almost tenfold. And if you don't have her respect you certainly will never have her love.

    • @NickRiceFilm
      @NickRiceFilm  2 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      Are you married? Or have you ever been married in the past?

  • @KH-ks8ze
    @KH-ks8ze 2 ปีที่แล้ว

    You sound like my ex husband
    I'm glad you get to keep your partner. You're lucky.
    I am going to leave this planet now
    Good luck to everyone else left behind
    I'm sorry Please forgive me Thank you I love you

    • @Justanother1ne
      @Justanother1ne 6 หลายเดือนก่อน

      Hey, how are you doing now?

    • @KH-ks8ze
      @KH-ks8ze 6 หลายเดือนก่อน

      @@Justanother1ne thought i was ok...but i never really am...just want to disappear...
      Thanks for checking tho
      Hope you are ok

  • @Fuckingenius
    @Fuckingenius 2 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    People made it to having a family and still depressed? Lol...

  • @xlxlxlx123
    @xlxlxlx123 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    Fuck that man. Trust yourself. People around you will never have your best interest like you do even when they are good people. It's just the reality. Take care of yourself and talk to a therapist. Keep the positive energy up to the people around you. No one owes you anything, and they are not responsible for your emotions or problems. Seek professional help that's outside of your social circle.

  • @mohammadaqeel7357
    @mohammadaqeel7357 8 หลายเดือนก่อน

    This life is a test lab. The Creator sent us here. TO test our faith and humility. Come to Islam and RISE like never before. Once you see the Truth you will fly like never before. Death comes to all. The next life will be as real as this one. Did you know about this life before you came to this world? The next world awaits with all the good things (Eternal) for those with faith and humility. Explore Islam and remove the shackles of mortality and lack of purpose that bears you down.

  • @_jakelaxton
    @_jakelaxton ปีที่แล้ว

    came across this video on accident but im so glad i did. You spoke beautifully and I was right there with you🫶🏻🤟🏻💪🏻 Your stronger than i am for making this video🙌🏻 Depression can definitely hit hard. Harder than most things but anyone who makes it out is a really strong human being and you should love yourself