Russell Brand On Resenting Parents & Family!
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 24 มี.ค. 2019
- Do you or have you ever resented your parents or family members? Why? Have you learnt to deal or comes to terms with it in some way?
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I have tried to forgive my mother so many times while still living with her, but unfortunately, I think this can be achieved only if you maintain a distance between you and the person you resent. I believe it to be virtually impossible to forgive someone for all the abuse they put you through while simultaneously living with them and relieving the very same scenarios that caused the majority of your traumas.
How can you heal in an environment that caused your trauma in the first place?
especially when the mother seems incapable of admitting any wrongdoing, and is utterly steadfast in her own rightness
I totally agree, I came back home due to my mother having a stroke, and my Dad is a bigger piece of 💩 now, I can't stand him and the way he is, we can't even talk about because he gets all rattled up, I really don't want to hurt him, but it's getting there .
Word.word.word. I just moved back in with my mom after living for 13 years abroad and am struggling to find my way here in this country that I ran away from at 18. The thing is, every since I got back, I noticed massive anger towards her for being oblivious to my feelings. At Christmas I was crying at the dinner table and all she did was mention how good the wine was, completely ignoring me. I really would love to let go of that resentment and as a matter of fact I've been working on it for years now. Today, even with meds I get so effing triggered. I hate her and I blame her for my brothers suicide cuz she did the same to him, just completely ignore his pain.
I understand the part where she lacks connection to herself due tu her own upbringing etc... but I can't help but get aggravated by her. I honestly don't know if I can forgive her and that makes my life absolutely miserable.
Omg, I just got back after being abroad 15 years, my mother is so jealous of me and my fathers relationship, I’ve found out that she goes and tells my dad of any little tiff we have but exaggerates it, make him angry towards me, so he gets upset with me...and they were mostly lies she told him, just so he doesn’t side with me...I feel ur pain, it’s like I’ve stepped into a different world, my dad is sick so I can’t leave, I want to look after him, but now he’s siding with her when he knows she was in he wrong, I don’t know what to do ???
There are times when it's best to completely cut ties with parents when there has been a history of abuse. Especially when the impact of that abuse has not been properly acknowledged. Having no contact can be the only way to begin healing.
Unfortunately true
Yes that’s... that’s unfortunately true... sometimes have to cut the ties. In order to heal. Otherwise “broken” people make “broken” people
Sad but true. Going through that now.
Totally agree
Its not easy being a human being at times, or being a parent. As that song says " Every generation, blames the one before" Greetings everyone from the Justmadeit2 channel
*Anger, resentment, and jealousy don't change the heart of others. It only changes yours*
Ooh, not bad
yes, and not in a good way.
But some people aren't looking for them to change. They just want it to stop. When I stopped listening to their toxicity, I was able to stop feeling the anger.
That’s some smart shit a stupid person would say
I agree, its important to feel those emotions and recognize them, but then what he means according to me is don't live in it, dont let them control you....feel it but then move from it coz those emotions carry alot of weight, whats the point of being angry with someone who doesn't realize it or if they do they are away living their lives...wats the point?
i think expecting your parents to keep you safe, feed you and love you is not unreasonable....
Its reasonable. they brought you in this world its wasn’t your decision to. you depended innocently without any realizatdion of consciousness. its entirely their responsibility until you become an adult!
@@hamnakhan3656 it's their responsibility even during adulthood, especially when they failed you in childhood
I think your right
Yes, I agree.
My parents are the sole reason I am pro abortion.
I still get pangs of rage about my parents, especially when I am by myself. I lost alot of my youth because they simply turned their backs on me when I really needed them as a kid so I ended up just giving up on myself. It still hurts and it's a heartbreak I'll never truly get over. How can you?
Really I think the going belief that everyone should just forgive their parents is so much bull. You will feel better if you seek your revenge. I never got even with my scumbag parents, and now they are dead and I kick myself every day because I never got even with them. Of course, unless it is worth going to jail for, think of a way that is not against the law.
No you will never get over it. It is like an open sore that never heals. I am an old lady now, and it still hurts.
@@mothersslave8199 That's sad, sorry to hear that. Xx
@@mothersslave8199 I understand where you are coming from and I'm sorry about that.
Let me tell you a few things I have learnt so far
1. Forgiveness is for you not for them
2. Trauma is not what they did, trauma ks how it made you feel and the perception you formed about yourself and the world as a result of that experience.
So even if your parents were standing in front of you and you kick them in the face, it will give a very temporary relief and satisfaction, it won't give you any long term relief. The reason is that the core issue, which is your traumatized self, won't get healed by that.
So the best thing is to forgive them, focus on your core wounds and work on your core wounds and become more self aware.
Remember, YOLO and you will never get back this time wasted on resentment, just like you wont get back in time and change what happened. Trust me, the time you waste on resentment, you will definitely regret it later.
@@maryamkhan2978 Really I think you have been brainwashed. "Forgiveness" when imposed on oneself over a wrong that has never been put right is just repression of one's real feelings, and is unhealthy. And yes, it is for them, because it lets you stew and let's them get away with what they did. Resentment is not wasted as long as you find some way to get even with them or to get some kind of justice. Carrying resentment that can never be satisfied is, however, harmful. I disagree that getting even will not help your feelings. I did not get all the revenge I needed, but I did get some, and it sure as hell DID make me feel better!!!
I think that what is wrong with the "forgive your parents" philosophy is that just as children are devalued when they are small, not given enough rights, it continues to devalue them by saying that they should NEVER have any recourse to any justice, that the burden is on THEM, the VICTIMS, to cope with the wounds their parents put on their souls, THEY have the obligation. NO, they DON'T. Children have no obligation to their parents when they are under 18, and when they are over 18, they certainly have no obligation to forgive the wrongs their parents did to them.
I think what needs to be done is that laws should be made so that grown children could sue their parents for wrongs that were done to them when they were under 18. And I mean more than just sexual abuse. Then children would have a legal path to justice.
I forgave my parents for their neglect years ago. I don't resent them, I don't care. I didn't forgive them for their benefit, I did it for my own. Once I forgive, I let go. I cut off contact with my entire toxic family, and I've never been happier. My kids are happier. My relationship with my husband is 100 times better. Once I let go of all of the toxicity those people brought to my life, my mental well being got better, and it shows.
I AM TRULY HAPPY FOR YOU
"I don't resent them, I don't care. I didn't forgive them for their benefit, I did it for my own. " Really well said.
Agreed
feels freeing right? the opposite of how I thought I'd feel...
@@minty9003 well think about it. Better complainer than a pushover.
My biologicals are not parents, they are lost in narcissism and co-dependancy.
I'm so angry at them. It's not fair.
@@lildumpling2515 I totally get that I feel the same way too about being angry all the time
You're going to have really rough experiences in your future. Believe me, nobod has ever looked back at their parents and said 'i really showed them'. Forgiveness is next to holiness.
@@noominiacal all due respect, every relationship with each parent is different. You don't know what has happened. There fore you shouldn't tell anyone what they will and won't regret
@@noominiacal Fuck off
If you resent because of abuse, If anyone is abusive, form healthy boundaries...if they are crossed again and again walk away...this is from friend, partner, parents...anyone. Some people are not worth your precious time, and some will never change, however....you can change you.
I'd rather listen to your wise words than to mr. patronizing bun 🙄You make total sense to me🙏🏻🌟🌻
As if the impediment of bad parents isn't enough.. now I'm saddled with the responsibility of forgiving them, or living an unfulfilled life. It never really ends, does it?
He was ridiculous to say that. You can live a full, amazing life of happiness and success AND never forgive your parents. You do not have an obligation to forgive those who hurt you so badly.
The forgiveness is for you. You forgive yourself for the feelings you have in relation to whatever shit you were dealt. Your inner child can heal from that.
^NO. That is NOT the definition of forgiveness, STOP parroting this tired, overused, ERRONEOUS non-point. LETTING GO OF RUMINATION to free yourself to move on is NOT the same forgiveness of another party. People are so damned fundamentalist with forgiveness, thinking “hey! All I gotta do is wave my magic wand of forgiveness and voila, everything becomes new! All the sudden people are aware of their behaviors, they grow empathy muscles, they feel actual remorse, their teeth whiten; like magic!” Some of you all need to grow up and become acquainted to not only the working definition of forgiveness, but the etymology. Don’t just mindlessly repeat things because most people said the same thing and it sounds “good enough”.
Sounds like You have some growing up to do
Living more authentic with a plethora of space away from fundamentally conflicting and draining energy is key - no expectations necessary, just going with the absolutely undeniable gut feeling and resonance of greater wellbeing in respecting a more harmonious set and setting for the self among the common routine places of living.
I don't resent my parents, but when I think about my upbringing now as a adult I find it literally unforgiveable. That's where I drew the line under it. I have accepted that fortune is fickle and don't get uptight about it, but I've no plans to open Pandora's box in a vain attempt to rekindle some lost relationship. Some of my best childhood memories are from the comic relief of it all and I'm at peace with the cards I was dealt.
Yeah don’t bother opening that Pandora’s box with your parents trust me I tried it, only got worse
Forgiveness is acceptance. We don't have to come to common ground, only to accept that the circumstances were beyond the control of the transgressor.
I'm basically feeling at peace regarding my failing parents. But I need that tinge of resentment. It's like immunization, a reminder to maintain boundaries. The key for me is not to focus too much on resentment, because that can lead to feeling angry or bitter, and who needs that? Life is good, as long as the old folks mind their own business.
Forgiveness doesn't mean you rekindle the relationship necessarily. It means you let go of what you find unforgiveable and no longer keep that place alive in you where the past and your suffering continues to occur.
@Paul Judkins I tried that too, and if they don't have the proper awareness it was just opening Pandora's box and made it worse.
To loosely quote Dr Susan Forward, you don't need to forgive. Sometimes, forgiving is the wrong way to overcome a hurtfulness that is so deep and excruciating. What you need to do is work to overcome the obstacle that your trauma has become. Learn to be stronger than it and don't fall prey to patterns that have been put into you in order to control you and make you feel miserable. Once you've reached that point, you can still decide whether forgiving is necessary or not.
👍
I agree... Forgiveness comes after the grieving process for the family i never had
this comment is extraordinarily good
Forgiveness is a religious concept that only benefits the wrongdoer to ease their conscience. Some people absolutely do not deserve to be freed of the guilt for the problems they have caused others.
Pure nonsense. Unforgiveness is a burden the wronged party carries; a heavy burden. Which, left unforgiven festers into bitterness and resentment and rage. Embracing the grudge is like drinking soul poison.
One does not forgive another because they deserve it. And forgiveness does not pardon them or shield them from the consequences of their actions.
Children don't have fantasy expectations, they have legitimate needs, and on top of that, they are dependent on others to fulfill those needs. If a child's actual needs are not met -- and this includes intangible needs like attention -- there are serious negative developmental consequences. The situation is in no way analogous to an adult asking another adult to take responsibility for them.
Very true. I think it's not quite right for Rusell Brand who has this huge platform, to be speaking of childrens needs as fantasies.
Wow I hope this comment gets more attention
He's saying that his resentments were related to "expectations". Clearly his legitimate needs were met, as he grew up with adequate food, shelter, attention etc. Children are actually not as fragile as you appear you think, and can thrive without the absolute perfectly optimal psychological environment. Parents are just normal people, why they are expected to be perfect these days is beyond me
@@pham4796 He's not. He never referred to "needs" as fantasies. Clearly all of his actual "needs" (and most people's) are met
@@kidstuff4455 How is it clear from the video that all his needs were met? And what, according to you, are actual needs, and which needs aren't actual needs?
Russell is right. You can cut ties with abusive parent(s) AND forgive. Because forgiveness does not mean forget. Forgiveness and taking a true spiritual path to heal, to understand and accept, does not necessarily mean condoning what kind of parenting you had. Forgiveness is detachment and is true unconditional love for yourself and others.
I expect my family to be an actual family. But we are not, not in the way a 'family' has been sold to me.
They're more an inconvenience than anything, I'd rather be able to walk away and never talk to them again.
feel that deepley, iam in the same Situation
@@xAnimasola Me too.
Same. I wish I’d seen the writing on the wall as a child and sought counsel from anyone that wasn’t my broken, BROKEN family and maybe learned a skill or two.
@@13rucifer I have a great family but I still resent them to an extent, my parents in particular, as I feel that having children is one of the most selfish possible acts. Bringing another life into this world of inevitable struggle and suffering purely out of one's own personal interest is uncondonable from my perspective.
Same thats the way i feel about my father.
Becoming a parent myself made me realize to an even stronger degree just much I was neglected and abused by my parents. How do I forgive evil and cruel acts? Yes, they in part ruined my life, still, and cause me so much pain. Why can I not find peace with that if that is supposed to be the right thing?
Trust your gut and follow your ❤ . Only you know whats best for u
@@innerknowing6303 that'd make him wrong then?
Paradoxically, allowing yourself to be resentful without taking it out on anyone else can alleviate a lot of the pain - sometimes the act of continually denying the effect it's had on you and trying to be "normal" can be worse than just accepting how you feel. And yes, trust your gut and follow your heart - best advice.
There's a difference between recognizing that something happened and it shaped you in ways that you have to struggle to overcome... and resentment.
Yes....
I totally get the part about self-love and resentment. It’s hard to escape the way your own family sees you, that role they constantly reinforced, in order to find a place to build self esteem. Maybe it’s time to give up on convincing them of why I’m a good person.
I’ve been looking for years for an answer … your comment has given me a better perspective , the part where you said : it’s hard to escape the way your own family sees you” it does feel like a dynamic that’s been set from childhood , one that was constantly reinforced by certain family members to keep me small, contained, submissive and isolated. It took me having to go through hard times and depression to fully see that. Now I’m left with anger and resentment. Two things that I find difficult to heal. I shall start with giving up on convincing them that the box they’ve placed me in never fit.
I agree that carrying constant anger and resentment towards someone who wronged you will not make you feel better. However, people should never be made to feel guilty or immature or weak for having these feelings when someone has mentally and/or physically abused them. Especially, if that someone is a parent aka an authority figure who was completely in charge of your mutual interactions when you were just a child, and moreover, who chose to have the responsibility of raising a child yet completely failed to offer the unconditional support and love required of them. This usually leaves a child with a lifetime of trust & intimacy issues, unreasonable insecurities, complexes and other mental issues to overcome. Therefore, saying that one shouldn't be angry about that is pure victim blaming and no-one should stand for it.
From personal experience, I have explained to my emotionally abusive parent why I resent them, cut them completely out of my life and received therapy to relieve my mental struggles. I have honestly never felt happier and hardly ever even think about them, let alone feel like meeting them again, which would surely re-open all the old wounds. The main take-away from surviving abuse should be the conviction to never impose it on others. Justified anger towards the abuser, however, is very healthy since the pain is externalized and you're less likely to ever be gaslighted into believing it was somehow your fault. Don't let the resentment poison and define you, but also don't let anyone tell you that your abuser, blood-related or not, deserves forgiveness & reconciliation, especially if they have never even apologized or shown sincere repentance.
Live in the moment, that sure helps.
Well said! Thank you
Excellent points made here
"Justified anger towards the abuser, however, is very healthy since the pain is externalized and you're less likely to ever be gaslighted into believing it was somehow your fault."
You're wrong here. Forgiving people in order to lead a happier life yourself has nothing to do with believing anything was your fault, and is in no way more likely to lead to it.
You don't understand what forgiveness is the context of this video.
Holding anger (justified or unjustified) towards anything for long periods of time, such as years, is NEVER "very healthy" and only damages your own self
@@kidstuff4455 Just because you feel justified anger towards someone, doesn't mean you have to let that fester away in your heart forever. I do literally say in the first sentence that I obviously don't think that's healthy.
The way Russell talks about "unreasonable fantasy-like expectations" for one's parents and how they most likely just didn't know any better invalidates victims of actual parental abuse, and essentially sounds like victim blaming. Of course there is a massive difference between someone expecting to be treated like royalty in their family and someone expecting their parents to, you know, not abuse them and cater to their basic emotional needs. However, Russell fails to make that distinction in this video, which is why I felt the need to comment in the first place.
Ultimately, we should strive to let go of that destructive anger, absolutely, but not through undeserved forgiveness. You can accept the reality of being treated unfairly in your childhood and overcome that without forgiving the parent(s) who abused you. If you're just told to forgive without even being able to set the feelings of anger free, then it can absolutely lead to internalizing misplaced guilt, so I stand by what I said. After all, the very religious idea that we should all love and respect our biological parents no matter how badly they've treated us is just an extremely antiquated and powerful form of emotional blackmailing.
In Buddhism we learn, "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional." Not letting go of family resentments keeps us continually suffering. Letting go is one of the hardest lessons I've ever had to learn. I haven't mastered it. But, boy do I get practice!
Bad parents usually come from bad parents. Plus there's no escaping inheriting traits from both mom and dad. It's up to us to do the necessary shadow work and break the cycle by recognizing our inherited and learned faults, and not casting them onto others. I held a lot of resentment towards my father for many years until I realized his upbringing involved an alcoholic father, and a mother who praised his sister and treated my dad like an invisible child. I'm not dismissing or excusing what he did wrong and years ago I set some long overdue boundaries, but ultimately it strengthened our relationship and now we're closer than ever.
Everybody's got a sob story. Doesn't give you a right to act like a bully. To quote Kratos
"Do not be sorry be better!"
I'm sorry about what your dad went through but that's not an excuse. He messed up and I hope he became aware of his mistakes. I'm sick of parents thinking that just because they created or birthed you that gives them free reign and an unlimited amount of chances. Nope sorry I told my dad fuck off years ago and that he was a shitty person for his mistakes and I'll never forgive or forget how he treated me
If you know that you don't have the best background or parenting training, is it not selfish, irresponsible, and even malicious to continue the chain to cause further pain and suffering for generations down the line?
Were you ever the Black sheep? ...can you understand the effects? “Forgive them for they know not what they do” is easier said than done...we all have a responsibility...I’d say this is when you “grow up”....some parents blame and shame and ignore their children to suicide these kids don’t know what they ever did wrong.....of course they did nothing, but they became their parents “scapegoat” because it’s easier to blame then to be responsible....
Give your children confidence...that’s all they need to grow well.
So true. i have no confidence at all. I am scared as a little child and I am already in my 30s. And because of that I have decided that I dono want to have children.
VilleGardian
Hi , although I understand and empathise with you deeply i would suggest finding a good Life Coach to assist you through your thoughts because we only get one life and I’ve learnt to enjoy mine to the fullest ...finding out your “attachment type” (the first lessons taught of love) will help you in this moment and going forward, but you can also assess the past with a good Coach who will help you understand your way of thinking and guide you out of any “victim” like behaviour or any critical voices that leave you in an un-resourceful state.
I truly wish you my best...🙏🏻
saganist Same. And course, authoritarians don’t like when people challenge their “status quo”
I don’t understand why the onus is always on the victims to forgive and that I don’t love myself. If I didn’t I would not even be here. What they did was so unforgivable
@@mingmangmung3051 i appreciate that…but it’s not about them…. On letting go we find our grip 🙏🏻
If there was emotional or physical abuse, that is worthy of resentment.
100 percent agree
Both my parents were alcoholic.
I was raised in a foster family and I do forgive them because I was brought up in a home that made me a better person than what I would've been if they'd had me. Even my father admitted that.
instead of resenting parents, just remove them from your life and mind. parents are supposed to be good people and we deserve that.
3:12 "Until we accept responsibility for who we are, we have no power to change ourselves." Russel Brand
brilliant isn't it
@@saturndirect8085 Its such a fundamental concept
Response-ability is your ability to respond to anything... you can either (respond) consciously or (react) unconsciously... if you deny this responsibility then you are powerless, it seems paradoxical to some but 100% responsibility of yourself means 100% FREEDOM
My mom just came over to visit for a bit, we just started speaking again about a year ago. I’ve realized I still haven’t forgiven her for the things she did and how they’ve affected me. Thank you Russell, you shed a light on what I’m feeling right now, being unhappy with who I am and resenting my parents for it. I’ve been working on myself for the last 5 months and this further motivated me to stay on the path. God bless.
Dear Russel, i also try to live a spiritual life, and i recently did a hypnotherapy in which i held my younger self in my arms and i gave him all the love and praise and acknowledgement and appreciation he needed and ideally deserved. Very powerful. That healing let me be strong enough to forgive. Much love and blessings
Expectations of parents:
I am in a place where I am so ready to let of ‘what my parents didn’t do’ and ‘what values they have failed to live to’
This resentment has held me back for so long.
@Karan What if you play a doctor in one of your films? Would that satisfy them?
Up until recently, I never understood the burdens it is to carry resentments from adolescence into adulthood. How damaging those traumas can be on yourself and on your marriage. I thank my wife and best friend for this epiphany. Thank you for sharing Russell, I think more people of our generation need to become more aware and understand what this means.
I’m resentful to my mom for treating me like an outcast while treating my little sister like a golden child.
When I recognised that my parents weren't responsible for my happiness and that they did the best they could. When I recognised I was in charge of my own song sheet. When I learnt to forgive myself and love myself, then and only then did I see that my parents were just passing on a baton for me to pass on to the next generation.
I felt the same thing. It is when you begin to understand what their challenges were do you realise they did the best they could. Once you've come to terms with that, love for your parents becomes much more intense. Its hard to understand when you are young and naive... And too often very judgemental.
It's funny... for a long time I swore I'd never forgive my parents for my terrible childhood. But holding on to anger is so exhausting. We get along fine now.. I just chose to forgive and forget. They did what they thought was right.
Im glad you guys get a long well now, thats whats important
Me too exactly
Did u express to them ur anger?
If you have been abused, for example, by your parents, is resentment not an entirely appropriate response? I don't think resentment needs to consume your every waking hour, and it's quite possible to stick it away in a box and not be busy with it. "Forgiveness" is loaded with the subtext that what was done was "ok". Some things are not, and cannot be "ok".
Does resentment feel good? You deside.
@@c78sanchez1 Does abuse feel good? You decide.
@@jimlampshady no, i have been abused but im not gonna dwell on it because that hurts my mental state which in the long run causes more damage. Are u saying we are powerless to heal our own minds??
And forgiveness does not mean its ok, it means u move the fuck on so u can be happy.
So, does your resentment make u feel good, because im sure it doesnt bother the other party.
Any interaction that continually breaks your happiness can either be changed or more likely walked away from, don’t waste energy on those that are not prepared to develop no matter who it is. Never hold any bad emotion, love all including those that cannot treat you correctly, even if your only option is to leave, don’t do it with a heavy heart.
I take exception to the word forgiveness. There are things that are unforgivable. I would go as far as saying that in the case of child abuse it is not the survivors place to forgive the perpetrators. I find it completely possible to both let go of the resentment without the need to forgive those that harmed me during my childhood. Forgiveness means what? I excuse what you did? It's ok? No. No it is not ok. It was not ok then and time has not made it any less of a crime simply because I aged out of the abusive situation. Do I want my abuser to suffer. Of COURSE. Of Course. Of Course. Do I think he will? I don't know. Life is not fair. I see letting go as freedom. The freedom to be despite the abusers best efforts to make you feel irrelevant and unimportant. To be present in the now despite the mental prison their actions put you in. To rid yourself of flashbacks and nightmares and migraines and fear takes so much it is exhausting -but, it is possible. Coming to terms with the fact that you were abused, damaged by that abuse and impacted today will help you calibrate your self expectations - Being ok with what you can and cannot do as a result of the trauma you survived is key to peace.
“Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim--letting go of the pain and transforming oneself from victim to survivor.”
― C.R. Strahan
magicbloo More platitudes and words that simply wont make sense to a VICTIM . Even the use of the terminology victim /survivor adds more onus of guilt and responsibility onto the victim of abuse . WHY should the victim have to renege the former to become the latter ..... they are BOTH and deserve validation for the heinous abuse ( which they probably never received from the perpetrator of the abuse in the first place ) . Such cliched platitudes only further patronise a victim . A victim can be a wounded survivor but a survivor is STILL A VICTIM .... FFFS , don't add more layers of guilt to their journey .
Thank you Sarah well said!
@@magicbloo is that the meaning of forgiveness or of moving on?
I agree with this. Not speaking to my parents helps me put my abuse behind me, but I don’t feel the need to forgive. Putting it behind me is enough for me to forget and it doesn’t give undue forgiveness to people who don’t deserve it.
Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if school taught kids how to deal with their emotions healthily, instead of teaching mainly history books and math equations.
I've spent my whole life never having a family, betrayal & neglect from all my relatives cut deep af. Nobody I meet has this burden then it pushes them away from me like they think my burden is a curse. My parents were never real parents to me and I love myself but I hate how the trauma I've suffered through has blocked me from the blessings of love & friendship from others. It's like when I open up, people act like feelings are so foreign in no way can they relate & then they ghost me/avoid me. Never having a family has been bulletproof proof on how people suck no matter what you share with them💔
It took me 3 decades to come realization that i have to let go n not rely on ppl n family around me...to do so...great vid ..resonates with me.
Wow, Russell. You just summed up over 30 years of my life and helped me finally recognize the only solution that is even remotely achievable to "fix" what is broken inside. Equating resentment and choosing not to forgive to an ultimate failure to achieve self fulfillment puts the issue squarely where it belongs. To relinquish control of one's own self awareness and one's own self acceptance to the ugly feeling of resentment becomes obvious when viewed from outside yourself. Thank you for having the courage to say this here and know that your words meant something valuable to someone looking on.
I now understand a hell of a lot more about why people do what they do, and that we really have no say in whatever maelstrom of confusion we're caught in. My parents were certainly quite clueless. In that way there is certainly a forgiveness there, and I guess that's my way of coming to terms. But I still rage against them when I dream. The damage that was done during those formative years has at least partially defined my personality and will never go away. It's on the karma block chain and my primary mission now is to pass on as little as I can.
Resentment is a kaleidoscope. I can't help but hold some bitterness towards my parents. I'm sure my children do from me too. The difference is, I am trying to help my kids heal from it, where as I don't have that opportunity, as I am the matriarch. Compassion and forgiveness can only go so far. Especially when a parent was spiteful, or abusive. Just accepting that the past is gone, and there is certainly nothing I can do to mitigate it any further, is really my only option. Thanks for the video Russell... parenthood is a ride.
I feel many people have some sort of resentment towards their parents, and it is extremely important to let go of that resentment. The reason is any from of resentment, even resentment that is justified, holds you back in life. You only have so much energy and holding onto resentment burns that energy.
How though? I'm seething with it and WANT to let go but seem unable to or have no idea how to.
@@claireroden9047 By accepting it for what it is. Anything that has happened and that will happen is just apart of the journey, and not the journey itself. You are the journey. Become the star of your own movie, and then anything that happens to you will seem insignificant in the greater scheme of things.I'll be posting a video soon diving deep on the topic so stay tuned for it.
@@claireroden9047 same! I don't even find the words to describe and express my anger to my parent. It's like it goes away instantly
What is wrong with getting even with them? Anyone else who does wrong to another human being goes to jail or can be sued. It seems to be taken for granted that parents should be allowed to get away with anything and children should have to just forget about it. That is so unjust. There is nothing wrong with finding ways to get even with abusive parents as long as you can do it and stay out of jail. More satisfying and more just.
I tried to live this until I realized that there were traumas associated with my parents and I actually had to change my boundaries completely with my parents. It continues to be a struggle to maintain a boundary so that I’m not triggered or emotionally abused or taken advantage of.
Wow, Russell. Really something I needed to hear. For so long I have been resenting my parents. I always thought about how I could have been in a much better place if they had raised me differently. It's time to let go of that blame now..
I do not resent my parents, but learning the full spectrum of how they chose to behave has helped me to understand and heal myself better. We dont get to choose our parents, but as adults we learn that blood or not, we dont have to keep people in our lives if its unhealthy.
You always come with the most relevant, on point subjects about our well being. I'm very happy that your podcast is so amazing, you're doing a great job. Thank you Russell.
I Agree !! 😁 keep them coming 😇
One of the best
What a joy it’s been Russell to watch you grow on your spiritual journey, I am learning and questioning so much about myself and how I live my life since listening to you. Thank you 🙏🏼 x
Great food for thought, Russell. When I accepted that I could not change the past with my parents’ bad parenting, it helped me heal and move on. However, even in my moving on, I have chosen to keep that toxicity from my life. For me personally, I have also been able to realize and forgive myself for my own bad parenting. I’ve done what I can to gain forgiveness from my own children and have vowed to be the best mom I can be until I die. Thank you for bringing awareness to my life.
Resentment lives within. You have to forget that you resent them. You cannot change the past and you cannot control other people. Focus on yourself control.
Thank you, Russel for all these videos! You have helped and awakened me so much. I love watching these videos before bed not only because the topics and your wisdom really helps but also because the tone of voice and the level of frequency you’re on really calms me 😌
This is the first time I’ve ever seen Russell not funny. He’s direct. This is just another display of his great intelligence! Thanks Russell! Keep doing what you’re doing!
Russell, your videos always eeriely resonate with whatever I am struggling with at the moment. This video could not have come at a better time as I have been working hard to heal my inner wounded child and wrestling with the pain inflicted by my parents. Part of me sees how this pain is still inflicted now, but this pain does not need to be suffering. Thank you so much for your pearls of wisdom, they truly help me so much. Namaste brother!
I watched this a few hours ago and didn't agree with you on this one but I didn't know what to say. Here's what I came up with : Forgiveness is not a privilege everyone can afford. Ty
One more : adulthood happens to people who have been abused, but they are often appointed a role of filtering the abuse through the acts they experienced. It is a formitive experience that as an adult one will have to contend with. An immediate branding (pun) to the periphery. A person fully grows and develops regardless of it; however, abuse makes that person forever changed from a potential in some reality where the abuse was not present. Some people become better through these challenges and others will contend with the ramifications thereof. They are still adults, there is no perfect adult, there is just a properly socialized one or one who's socialization or development have been disrupted. Especially when thinking about developmental markers and time. If you steal you waver your right to forgiveness, you become indebted to the person you have stolen from, until they choose to release you through forgiveness. If you have been stolen from, you have the right to balance your karma, all the loss, before you grant forgiveness without becoming doubly victimized by a denial of your maturity. In other words, we are perfect even if we are riding around on a squeaky wheel.
What if there’s so much pain that they can only be forgiven when they’re dead? My father refuses to acknowledge the abuse because he’s narcissistic and would rather be seen as right than try to fix our relationship. So how do you forgive someone that’s not sorry and then continues to respond in abusive aggressive ways?
I allow him in my life but I feel forced to. I will only forgive when his human form can no longer hurt me. I’ve forgiven people that have hurt me and I’ve been able to cut them out of my life, but I’m too soft and maybe too much of a victim to seriously cut my father out. Any advice on how to be strong even though I allow such toxic behavior around me?
i agree with this, you cant just instantly forgive, theres always this urge to confront them, and then the next step will be to ignore them and get them out of your life for a period of time, and then the next step can be to calm down and forgive
I disagree. My stepfather is still abusive and controlling. Accepting him is possible now, and even forgiveness on some level; however, if abuse of any kind is ongoing, it's too simplistic to say I don't love myself for permitting abuse, which is how I view forgiveness. I have to forgive privately because he doesn't even understand or accept himself. And in that acceptance/ forgiveness, that is where I also accept and love myself; by rejecting or disallowing further abuse to occur
Not even what he is talking about
He never said to stay in an abusive environment. He still has a point about resenting. It mostly hurts you in the long run. Good luck on your journey
@@c78sanchez1 No, engaging with an abuser is more damaging than just moving on or forgetting family. Especially, when they have no motivation to change.
@@sportyjen62 i know, thats not what im saying.
I agree Russell whole heartedly, because holding on to resentment and pain makes you stuck as a person emotionally and most importantly spiritually.
One of your best videos. There is so much resentment in this world and I think that leads to rage and loneliness and depression.
First step to live a more freely life is forgive your parents.
I LOVE what you shared today! You must have experienced great joy as a result of facing these truths. Thank you for sharing yourself and your wisdom. 🙏
Most of Mr. Brand's political/economic thought makes me want to sit him down and explain where he goes wrong in his reasoning, but there is no denying that Brand is on another level when it comes to the struggle of improving oneself. And it's been a pleasure to see his growth even in the realm of his political thought. Keep it up, Brand, and don't stop trying to be better. God knows most people seem to have given up on it.
As always, such wise words. I had quite the troubled childhood...but as I learned to forgive my parents I have found life much easier as a result. Sometimes we have to remember where people came from to understand why they treated us poorly.
My mother is old now and I get along very well with her. I’m at peace and I’m thankful to God for this and all it’s taught me.
I haven’t spoken to my oldest sister for over 3 years. This is out of my choice. I learned that she was a very toxic person and I couldn’t physically or mentally bring myself to be apart of that relationship anymore. Her being in my life, it was making me ill. She and her partner were the reason and trigger that I began to experience severe panic attacks. My sister made up obscene lies to try get me the sack from my job. To deliberately ruin my livelihood, to deliberately ruin my career all out of spite and hatred, which in the end she admitted to. That in itself, absolutely broke me. To completely break myself free from years and years of jealously, hatred, spitefulness, evil and being in a such a toxic circle is the best thing I have ever done. I don’t feel claustrophobic anymore. I can finally breathe and I am proud that I opened my eyes and actually realised what my life had consisted of for so long. I am so happy now.
I am 20 now and finally starting to accept my parents for all they have done. It feels very freeing and relieving. Very much the opposite of how I thought I'd feel if I'd forgive them.
Do u keep relationship with them?
I am 20 and I just also finally realized. Same exact phenomenon.
This is why I have no interest in having kids ... Often the kids just grow up bitter and resentful (and often rightfully so).
A good parent does not need to worry about a resentful child. If you raised your kid right, they will have an excellent relationship with you.
I've only just realised how important it is to forgive, not because you are saying its okay what they did to you, but to set yourself free. The relief is immense.
I'm crying watching this because forgiveness has been the hardest road for me. First myself, then my parents, my husband, my children. I have forgiveness now. And so much to be grateful for. Peace and love to all who read this.
Russel thank you so much for this video 🙏 I have huge issues with my parents and family very deep severe issues and lots of anger with them even in my 30s. Thank you for covering this topic most gurus don’t! Love you brother
Thank you for posting this thought. It made me reflect on my family and sparked thoughts within me that may have been there all along, underneath all the anger and blame. Thank you.
Most Parents, parent, until the child disagrees/grows....this is the point of responsibility, how as a parent do we respond? Response-ability??....respond badly the child will resent you. Be allowing....love is always giving 👍🏻
Everyone needs to watch this again from four years ago.
What about IF you forgive them BUT .... they do same shiz over again ? ...& again ....& again ??? 🤔🙄😩
I actually think you can love yourself ❤️ a lot, by not being around some people & sadly ? That can sometimes be our parents !
#HealthierNOTplayingTHEgame.ta ! 😂
You can't truly forgive others unless you have forgiven yourself first... for me it took forgiving myself for even staying so long around someone who is abusive, drains my energy etc. basically if you have self-love you can feel what's really resonating in your heart as far as should you keep them in your life, are they worth your precious time here? Doesn't matter if family or not this is for any relationship, be RESPONSIBLE for your own health and well-being, that includes who you CHOOSE to surround yourself with, in every situation you have the ABILITY to RESPOND aka your RESPONSIBILITY
HonestInquiry - love it ❤️ Thankyou 🙏🏼 Xx
I had to stop looking for something in my mother that she doesn't have to give! Love & affection!
Fully agree. It wasn't untill I was able to move forward from this resentment that I was able to move forward with my life. And everybody has some sort of resentment towards somebody else, but our parents are usually the ones we put a lot of expectations on, especially because we wish to always look up to them, even when they do us wrong. I particularly enjoyed when you spoke of your parents as 30-year-olds. It helped me get a perspective I didn't have of my own parents. Thank you for these videos, keep them coming! ♥️
I like how genuine and honest you come across in these videos of spirituality and well-being. I feel that you're speaking from the heart, and that's why I watch your videos and take on your content.
Thanks for all the insight and lessons you give Russell.
Having the ability to put yourself into your parents shoes and see life from their perspective is an important aspect of the healing of the "inner child". My parents grew up in a war torn era, experiencing evacuation, London being bombed. Husbands, sons, and brothers died in that war, so much grieving and mourning those families experienced. It was a traumatic time for those families and many tried to make the best of their lives in very difficult circumstances, as they tried to rebuild their lives and give stability to their children. Many of them suffered silently and were unable to express themselves in a way that some of us would have liked. It was the stiff upper lip, not letting your offspring know that you came from a poor family, when I was born people were still receiving ration cards because food was limited. It's not just about understanding their views, but the environment in which they lived in that timeline, and how they became the people that they came to be. What is important is to keep all the positive memories and heal that which is not. Forgiveness is an important part of the healing journey for the only person that is harmed by unforgiveness is the self. The heart is for giving.
I wouldn’t forgive someone if they raped my child, I think their are definitely exceptions
You can be happy and fulfilled, and leave the abusers behind. There's no need to forgive those who do not deserve it.
There is absolutely essential for the soul to forgive.
Forgives frees the person who needs to forgive a trespass(es). It's toxins in the body, mind ,spirit and hurts the one who cannot forgive.
However, to forgive does NOT mean one condones or forgets a harm has been done..they put it in the past.
It is freezing to forgive. Genuine forgiveness allows the other person an opportunity to ASK for forgiveness and to say they were or are very sorry. The harms may mean one cannot be around that person again if they still harm..but it is essential to forgive for ones own like to heal.
And if anyone on earth believes they are someone who is perfect and never made mistakes in relationships that may have hurt someone..even unintentionally they kid themselves.
The Lords Prayer..is about forgive and be forgiven.
.
@@coolwater55 you don't need to forgive to move on. My heart is still full, I have beautiful friends and people who love me. It alarms me that the church is the one banging on about forgiveness when they are know for placing abusers in positions of authority.
one can accept their situation, that there are horrible people out there, and still live wonderful lives.
@@sportyjen62
Even the non religious gurus, therapists, counsellors and Buddhists taoist...all advocate forgiveness to heal ones own soul.
Happiness is subjective, a free heart is the goal.
I am glad you found a solution...but if seeing those people or thoughts of them trigger you, then you need..just like all humans need to forgive.
Its for your souls sake. But It is a free choice what you will do or not do.
Bless you.
God Russell, I can't tell you how much I needed to hear this today. It was surreal when the notification popped up on my phone. I could have jumped through the screen and just hugged you. Your mind is beautiful and your heart even more so. Thank you so much for your words.
I tend to lean on the side of acceptance rather than forgiveness and remove/isolate those who repeatedly injected unhappiness and misery into my life, hence the reason a lot of people who made me sad/abused me are long gone and there are NO OPTIONS for their return.
I am very mindful of the abuse I encountered at the hands of those who were supposed to care for me and ensure that I am and always will be a better and understanding parent for my daughter than my own parents were for me amongst the other people who made my earlier life more difficult than it should've been.
Easy to forgive and let go when you're successful and happy. Not so much when you're yet to overcome the effects of abuse and neglect.
Thank you! Russell has already moved away from his parents and is living his own life. When you live under your parents roof and face the consequences of their decision(s) every day, what may seem “easy to Russell is nearly impossible to your average joe.
I love these videos you’re making!! I don’t like wasting my time to watch other videos that are an hour long, etc.
You get right to the point and I learn from your short videos more than other people’s longer videos. Thank you so much!!! Much love to you.
Thank you Russell! I feel like I've let go of most parental stuff at this point. It wasn't easy but finding acceptance and love in myself, and surrounding myself with those who accept and love me too ( and that I love!) has helped immensely. I was also scapegoated by my parents and have found that there a few other people I've had experiences with who have scapegoated me too! Working on myself and focusing on what I want to do is getting me through this, but I wondered if you could do a vid on scapegoating.
I like the Philip Larkin poem about parents 😊 Thank you for sharing this Mr B. I once read that ‘resentment is the poison that I swallow hoping that the order person will die’ I can’t remember who the phrase was coined by. I have accepted that my parents did the best that they knew how. My childhood, as you say, made me who I am now (or at least in part) so now I accept myself I have accepted my past. Another good quote (again, forgive me for not remembering who said it!) ‘forgiveness is not forgetting, it is letting go of the hurt’. 🌹
This was wonderful and thoughtful. Could you maybe broach the topic of a passive aggressive parent who is a grief collector. I phone my mother a few times a month and feel such dread and sadness.
I absolutely love and appreciate you so much! Thank you for sharing this message !
our capacity to forgive is so much broader than people seem to understand. its the final step of the healing process. whether the abuser be your parents or someone else. not seeing your abuser(s) does begin the healing process if you're ready to work hard on yourself. if the abuse is unacknowledged, after you've worked on yourself for however long it takes to feel free from it, get brunch and tell them about it, what it did to you, and how you've grown from it. forgiveness is so powerful it can change a persons life. hurt people hurt people. theres nothing that justifies hurting anyone in any way, but when the pain subsides and you know how what happened to you made you a stronger and/or smarter person, offering compassion, forgiveness and love to that person(s) is incredibly empowering and healing in my experience. validating all your emotions and side effects of the abuse first, working through them, and then looking objectively at what traumatic experiences or overwhelming circumstances your abuser was going through or has gone through, doesn't take away from or justify the pain they caused you, but it can make things make a hell of a lot more sense in the big picture. whether or not they accept or take any blame for the abuse is no longer your problem. So you agree to disagree and part ways with the peace of having no bitterness, shame, or hate surrounding the subject.
As someone who has been abused by his own family and currently in the process of pruning them off, I do feel that Russell Brand is spot-on about this, and even though I'm mostly happy with who I am, I still do get haunted by what they've said and done to me, and I'm trying hard to do the inner work necessarily for me to heal from these wounds. And I am equally appreciative that he didn't invalidate or diminish family abuse by telling the abuse targets to stick with their abusive families and put up with them, as this is a deadly yet woefully common advice dished out by so many others in the mainstream!
Wisdom. Your transformation has been incredible to watch. Thanks for doing the hard work, Russell. God bless.
AMEN
I clearly understand why I'm feeling this way but I still couldn't really move on and try to even forgive them.
It’s hard to forgive them when you still live with them I’m stuck at least for now & they remind me of who they are and how they treated me all my life and continue to bush my buttons.. I only realised I don’t really love them to them love is all about control and ownership
My parents have done so much for me, mainly financially, but the two things I constantly yearned for (and asked for) were just a little bit of love and positive affirmation. Nothing I do will ever be enough, I will never be enough for them
Maybe this is the part where government determines "Standards of Expectations" for individuals who choose to have children.
Parenting can be intergenerational. Your parents interpersonal methods with their children (you) may be a product of intergenerational transmission of parenting and attachment style. From their phenomenological perspective, they're just doing what they know.
My point is forgiveness is easier when you realise we may not be aware of the faults in our own phenomenological experience, or necessarily in control of them. Behaviour can be a product of our own experience, and our own experience may not be something we can control. No one asks to be born into their family, country, body, or childhood experiences, but we are certainly a product of them. It's hard to be mad at someone when you consider the bigger picture of their existence, or behaviour.
'Expectations which is a word for fantasies'. Wow. Absolutely.
To hear it said in such a way makes it hard to make excuses for having them.
I've resented my dad for so many years and when he died my world shattered because l can't forgive myself for not being there to help him all those years when he was battling alcoholism, depression and the excruciating loneliness we, his family, pushed him to. Why can't you take me as l am he used to tell my mom. I loved him so much when he was sober but l didn't find the strength in me to love him when he wasn't. I will never forgive myself but it's too late now.
thanks Russell. Thanks for every video you have done on this channel. P.s. Yes, the notification is activated :) peace and love
If you really have an awful nasty controlling family that never change then get out and live your own new happier way of life.
I just had a big argument with my parents, hence why I’m here watching this. I hold a lot of resentment towards my parents for my upbringing. Now I’m taking on the family business and having to work with my dad day in day out is proving tough. I definitely hear what you’re saying about letting go of resentment. I know it’s only harming myself to hold onto it, but it’s hard to let go. I’ll keep trying to better myself
Wow!! You have hit the nail on the head with this one!
Stay blessed 🥰
Bravo!!! Love and Light on your spiritual journey..it looks good on YOU!!
Thank you Russell, you have said something amazing. I was in that boat, as I felt, and have been feeling let down by my parents and teachers.
Wow this is some type of providence - I was watching your videos in this style the other day and I got into a fight with my family. I wished you'd make one talking about parents and you actually did! Thanks!
Both my parents were abusing narcissistic monsters. Resenting them was a natural response , the damage affected my adult life , off course resentment appeared but moving on is important for my health , for my happiness. They can't give me back my childhood, and they are still horrible people , so it is best to stay away, they take advantage of you when you try to love them. They are sick and incapable of true love
I hear you Emma 🙏🏻