I remember vividly being told that Im "immature" for not yet having an ideal family in the future just cause I told them I dont think I dont want to have any partner I was in 2nd grade allonormativity is so ingrained in our culture we dont even realize how these things are pushed to us at a young age
@@ReeksofChees3 i live in a very family-orientated country where people somehow have an issue on peopl moving out of their parent's house not because they are married but just to be on our own. So they push this idea of "starting them off early" with the learning how to raise a family, especially with girls cause yah know, theyre supposed to "be the one to take care of the kids"
I’m sorry, it’s hard. I’ve had people in my life speak condescendingly to me about not being married like I haven’t done it because I’m just dumb or doing it wrong. I think some people wear their normativity like a shield and use it to deflect ideas that may threaten their status quo
I find it quite difficult to accept my being ace at work. I work in education and when you're a certain age, most kids will assume you're already married. And when you're not, kids instantly think there must be something quite wrong with you. That's allonormativity for you. This year, my tenth-grade group was overly interested in my dating life and would constantly ask me when I'd finally start dating someone. Some students have asked me whether I'm still a virgin to my face - I didn't tell the truth, of course. It's exhausting. It's why I've recently put a selfie of me with my favourite singer in a frame in my classroom; most students blindly assume he's my husband and will therefore not bother me with questions about my relationships status. It's a little white lie but it stops things from getting awkward.
Ah, perfect, that's the kind of topic I was looking for. I'm on the ace spectrum, and I really hate it so far. Not because I reject other people, but because it seems like another barrier for me in order to find someone, on top of being gay and with a disability.
I recently spoke to someone and was explaining how I'm demi and what demisexual is, how's I've been single for 10+ years and how that means I also haven't slept with anyone anyways they was told me that I must be super anxious around the subject of sex or uneducated, must have past trauma and haven't found the right person yet. I'm like no, im asexual with abit of spice , I literally have no attraction to anyone at the moment and that could change at any time if I met the right person and made a connection, m/ f /nb/gf i dont have any preferences and sex isnt the most important part of a relationship, its not even necessary its just gravey. It has nothing to do with my anxiety or trauma. It's just who I am built ♡
I really appreciate this. I've known I'm ace for a couple of years now but I still struggle with this sometimes. We're here, we exist and we're awesome ❤ no matter what anyone's expectations are!!
Thank you so much for this video. I was questioning that I might be ace and told my friend. She said “Aww but you’re only 13. You will feel that attraction when you grow up. You’re too young to know your sexuality”
Allosexuality is also something that we don't have as little children, but it develops during puperty. And if it doesn't, you are called a late bloomer or immature or childish... That was my biggest struggle with accepting my asexuality. In school I built like 80% of my sense of self-worth on being the smart one in class. I DIDN'T want to be called immature!!
Figured out I was ace about 2 weeks ago. I thought everyone was like this, but I guess not. It's been kind of weird to wrap my head around but good content like this really helps with understanding myself
I personally think that there were 2 aspects that made accepting my asexuality difficult for me and they do connect to the video in a lot of ways. The first one was my family. My parents seem to be accepting of lesbians and gay people but they have a pretty strong prejudice against every other part of the LGBTQIA+ community, including aromantics and asexuals. I've always been scared to come out to them because everytime I subtly mention that I don't really want to date, marry or have kids, they say something very hurtful to me. My mom in particular likes using the phrase "but if you don't have a partner/kids who will bring you bananas when you're sick on the hospital bed?" and it just hurts and makes me feel lonely and as if I'd actually be better of being allo...but I know that's not true, that I do have a lot of people who care for me, that I love the way I am and that I wouldn't trade it for anything...it just creates a weird inner conflict for me because I know they are just worried but it makes me hurt. the second one is sorta this feeling of being an imposter. What if I'm just lying to myself? What if I am actually just a late bloomer? What if I'm not actually asexual. It's stupid but I get these thoughts from time to time. I always try to convince myself that it doesn't matter if I'm wrong because what matters the most is the present and I feel comfort in knowing I'm aro ace, but it certainly makes things a little more difficult sometimes
To that first one, im sorry you live in that environment, it will bet better and you are not alone 💚🖤 And that second one, labels are just that, they are labels. You as a person can change and thats perfectly fine, if you feel ace now you can without hesitation identify as ace, if you dont feel ace in 3 years you just no longer identify as it. it's important to accept people for what they are now, not for what they were or will be in the future, this also goes for accepting yourself. Much love 💚🖤
thanks for saying this, I relate to what you’re saying a lot. Allonormativity esp from family hurts. I remember one more recent vacation where we went to visit some relatives in China for the first time since the pandemic hit and I realized…everyone was paired up, there was such an emphasis on family, and my dad told us about a “disobedient” cousin who wanted to be a monk and not start a family. his exact words were “the problem wasn’t his religion, but that he didn’t want to start a family”. That cousin has a wife and kids now. im also constantly afraid im just lying to myself and that I am a late bloomer and I just “want to get in on the community” but im not actually ace. I’m pretty young and though there are past indicators of being arospec/ace I still get worried about whether im wrong. It’s gotten better but it still comes back at times. if anyone sees this thx for reading and hope you can feel valid and live an authentic life ❤
God i have had all of these problems. I came out to my parents as "queer" because pan-romantic, agender asexual is something they would never get. I'm 31 now and have wanted to start dating but because I am sex-averse I feel like it's just hopeless. I meet very little people irl and most of the people who hit on me are creepy guys cuz i'm fashionable/goth i guess and wear intense makeup. But i also don't know how to meet people on dating websites or what websites are easiest to use for someone who is asexual. Please if anybody has advice im begging for help. I really want a life partner one day but I don't know where to look
People would sooner accept you saying you're lonely and miserable and never married because you haven't found the "right person" than for you to be honest about being Ace and happy with how things are. 🙃 I hate it here
As I continue to evolve thru the discovery of my "aceness", I find it actually liberating to know and understand what had frustrated me for so long! Thanks to people like you "Ace Dad", I have learned so much... plus I CAN have cake & eat it too, LOL!!!
i think a big part of not being able to accept it is because theres so little representation out there. if there was, it would be so much easier to understand what we're feeling and we'd feel more brave to accept who we are because we're not the only ones. and if we werent the only ones, being ace would feel valid. it is valid but it takes time to feel that way. like this it feels like accepting being ace means condemning myself to being different from basically everyone, in a way that will give me a lot of struggles bc all potential partners, friends, family are allo... so yeah that cycle is damn hard to break
Wow. Great video. It applies to a lot more than just Ace, of course. But it does remind me of all the times I was told basically, "No, not like that - like this!" Like my grandmother not understanding why I didn't want to have a partner, get married, have kids. Doing that sort of thing ensured her that there would be people in her life to take care of her in her old age. That was the structure of the society she grew up in. Also a friend I told that I felt sex was weird and unnatural to me. She was adamant that I was wrong - I should want sex, and something was wrong with me for not wanting it. Fortunately I'm too defiant to sink into self loathing over what other people tell me. I know I'm right about my own experiences! I'm right to want to share my experiences with others. It's more of a pity for them that they are stuck in their dogmatic ways that they feel they need to "correct" what isn't really broken in the first place.
I've been dealing with the understanding of me being ace in these past months. It hasn't been easy. At all. Suddenly I'm going against every behaviour I was used to consider normal in me. I feel broken every time I feel like trying something and nothing comes out of it
I use to feel like an outcast in my family because I was the one without any relationship experience, wanting kids, and career. Especially with my two step sisters where one is married and a mother of 4 and the other is engaged and both are straight like most of my family. This made me feel like I was immature and stuck, and I could never measure up to my family, but finding the queer community and realizing I'm a part of it really helped and accepting that not everyone goes at the same pace.
I figured out I was ace about 7 or 8 years ago, put it on a back burner and decided it wasn’t that, it must be a medical issue. Then kept stressing out over it for all that time until about a year ago when I realized it isn’t a pattern of me being messed up, it’s just how I am. And it felt like a massive weight was lifted from me. The expectations I was trying to meet and the issues I was having in relationships just made sense. It took me those years of struggling against it to accept it, but now that I do it feels more like a relief than anything. Knowing I’m not broken
I just lived my life like normal thinking I was allo and that I were just a little bit behind because I was 20 and hadn't had a relationship yet. I didn't understand how people got into relationships but assumed I would suddenly find myself in one one day. I was 22yrs old when I realized people actually think of other people in a sexual way. Like sure I had seen guys write stuff on the internet but it hadn't registered people get turned on by other people and have a genuine desire to have sex with them. I was confused, frustrated, sad and yet relieved at the same time. Now a couple months later I have more or less accepted it. Starting uni again this fall with this new knowledge will be an interesting experience
I know I am late to this video and comment thread. But I have to say thanks for helping to explain the external/internal struggle I've dealt with all of my life. I am 50, and finally after 40+ years if fighting to appear 'normal', I've FINALLY accepted who I am.It's still as daily struggle though. Especially since I was recently outed against my will by someone I trusted. I wish I had something like this available when I was younger. It would have saved me decades of existing in the self-perpetuating and harmful cycle you are discussing here.
I have just stumbled across this channel and... my god. my heart is so full of joy. what a wonderful space you have created! I especially hope boys and men out there find comfort and compassion in your videos. I'm a 22 y/o woman who's been pretty sure I'm ace since I was like 13 and most of the time it's a lighthearted, easy joke-able topic for me to bring up, but sometimes I either get frustrated and feel like I'm missing/lacking something, and sometimes I have a less than positive interaction with someone and end up feeling ashamed and thinking "maybe I'm just immature" I don't know. I want to accept and feel comfort in my asexuality but when I feel particularly romantically lonely, the allosexual pressure of "true intimacy means $ex" makes me feel like I'm missing something and I'm afraid I'll never find MY true intimacy and life partner. also when I have experiences like when a $exual scene comes up in a movie I'm watching with my brother and sister and I cringe, and then they react like I'm being unreasonable and childish, "everybody does it, come on we're adults, it's just $ex" ... and then I just feel so stupid and embarrassed. I do know I want to work on NOT reacting so adversely to $exual themes if they ever come up and I don't want to jump straight to ace rejection of the topic every time, but I also sit and wallow and beat myself up thinking I'm just being immature and annoying and this is such a negative trait for having friends and eventually finding romantic partners... also the fact that I've been legitimately depressed since I was at least 14 and on antidepressants since like 15 and THOSE have an effect on your interest makes me question how much of this is the "real" me???? ugh and how I've only been in two relationships, one for three months in middle school and the other a 3-year long distance online relationship with a girl who lived across the ocean. so uhh I've never actually been physically intimate or tried anything $exual with someone. I don't even hardly do it with myself. any time I get... interested, it lasts very briefly and I don't think I've ever reached a climax and often I just end up annoyed and a bit ashamed or just uncomfortable and disappointed. I do want to eventually give myself the space and time to legitimately try to get intimate with myself and actually figure some things out, and now that I've moved out it's definitely going to be a lot easier, but it still feels just... fleeting, stressful, embarrassing, etc. I don't know. doesn't help that most ace communities and resources I've found are geared towards teens.
i used to think there has to be something wrong with me, as i realized (couldn't put a name on it back then) i was different from my classmates when i was 14. i found out about asexuality 15 months ago and it was such a relief, and last week i stumbled upon ace dad who has already been an immense help. thank you so much dad♥
I just came out this year as ace, but i have been struggling with my asexuality for 10-11 years. I meen deep down i knew that i was ace but i just didn't want to admit it because the people around told me that i'm supposed to date and feel sexually attracted to people. But i just never felt sexual attraction towards anybody men nor women. I live in country where i'm safe to be openly ace, but the problem is that dispite learning and talking in school about different sexualities. But outside of school people just didn't talk about these things and a lot of people around me at the time weren't out of the closet. I've found out later on that many of my former friend's have come out as part of the lgbtq+ community. I defenitely agree with what you're saying in this video about accepting asexuality and thank you for making this sort of content about asexuality.
A great video with an important message for me! Everytime I hear you validate asexuality and explaining why it is valid, I feel so loved. It helps me to love myself. This cycle makes me hate myself most of the time, and then I hate myself for hating myself for who I am. It's really complicated to figure out where all this self-hatred comes from. But I know I am worth being loved by myself!
The part about the rewards filling allosexual expectation. Recently I was reviewing international immigration policies, and wondering how unfair it is that you need to be in a marriage or in at least in a romantic relationship in order to get a resident permit for almost every country. Don't get me wrong, I know there are several other methods that asexual people can apply to. But the fact this one is probably the easiest (less paperwork and less questions) is really hurting.
@@thotslayer9914 I never mentioned anything about being omni...? I was talking about immigration policies and how one that requires less paperwork is getting married or being in a relationship. Yeah, it's a bias since I'm talking about my personal view. Asexuals can get married but me personally find it hard.
I would like to add that the social and cultural default settings can mess up what you think you experience. Especially for older aces like me back then in our youth. The surroundings made me think that I DID feel sexual attraction. I felt aesthetic and sensual attraction and a "directionless" sex drive, which was sometimes very high (hormonal "go make babies" days). These combined I thought I had it. It seemed to be what others were having. Because I didn't know what sexual attraction felt like (and still don't) I didn't know I didn't have it. But still something was off. I had sex and learned to do it well but it was like "meh". An unnecessary dessert after non-sexual closenes. Often I felt even bad afterwards. Like violated somehow, even if it had "worked" physically. I thought there was something wrong with me. Anxiety and depression maybe. Maybe hormones were off. Maybe the guy was wrong. Some years ago I gave up trying. But only now, at 47 I finally understand I'm asexual.
I relate at lot to this. I am the same age, was once told mid 20s that my lack of any relationships showed I was emotionally immature. In school I faked myself into crushes but the idea was only ever liking them as a friend. Ididn't understand the emotions others had. I didn't have any romantic relationship in school, as I was bullied about my appearance and low self esteem I put it down to that. But the pattern stayed. I found myself looking at people pairing off and struggled to make sense of how x and y ended up together, everyone seemed an odd mix. I just had no sense of what their feelings involved. My sister is married and had 2 boys (now men) so no parental expectations, and both me and my other sister have gone through life without any label but without any significant relationships either. It is only recently I began to explore the label - mostly after some very frank discussions with a male friend, the only times anyone has explained to me their experience of sexual attraction, and I recognised how different my experience was. It is helpful to acknowledge that there is a name for how I am, but my life will I expect go on as before, happily single. And now late 40s people don't ask if I have 'met anyone nice' and generally don't ask about history, maybe they assume some sad backstory and now she is single. So still working out what it means to give a label
Thank you so much for this video ❤ I find it so hard to accept my asexuality and it makes me feel dumb because I haven’t experienced direct aphobia so why do I find it so hard?? But I do often struggle to find myself or feel like I belong and I’m a HSP so hearing this really helped me feel a bit less alone ❤❤❤
hi im not sure if you take video suggestions but id love to see a video about how to show love and attraction in an ace/allo relationship? like my bf is allo and we dont have sex because im usually sex averse and i know i dont want to have sex but it makes it difficult for me to know if he is physically attracted to me without that part of the relationship. how do i overcome this insecurity that he doesnt find me physically attractive when sex and sexual intimacy isnt a part of our relationship? i hope that makes sense
If anyone is interested, this information comes from author Bobbie Harro, “The Cycle of Socialization” in the book “Readings for Diversity and Social Justice”. The pdf is available online for free.
I’m out as ace and aro-spec -wish I could be as bi too but- but…my family still don’t believe it’s “a thing,” or delude themselves into believing I’ll “get over it/stop being resistant” -I’m 28…- It’s pretty frustrating and repeatedly not respected, and I don’t know if it’s a “relief” or not that my family doesn’t view it as part of the queer community -ie why I cannot come out as bi, at least not until I can get stable enough to be independent- or not 😐
Been there. My parents asked me if it was a joke when I came out as ace and biromantic. They're deeply religious and I can't talk to them about LGBT+ issues, because it always devolves into hurt feelings and name calling. I've had to set boundaries for myself and I have specific things I will not talk to them about, and I keep to those boundaries because it's not worth arguing with them and then going home feeling like I'm not real.
Oh Cody, please know that ALL of us struggle! The times that I seem "Pollyanna" and happy and talk about loving myself and the skin I'm in are when I'm also in the denial part of the cycle, convinced that all it will take for this to change is to meet the right person (which hasn't happened in 53 years.)
Thank you sm for your videos. Im still struggling in acceptance and I think being aego complicates it a bit more. I feel Im in a weird limbo because of it. Im trying and your videos help sm.
Thanks a lot for this video. I want to add something to the things you said about what happens when we do nothing (at ca. 10:50). Even if we play by the rules, the fear and self-hatred won't stop because we're constantly hurting ourselves and because we know that we're just pretending to be something we're not. Who did the illustrations and where they done for this video?
Now I'm just confused as to why I don't struggle with accepting my asexuality Edit: it seems my biggest "weapon" against the socialisation cycle is my inability to give a shit about what people think of me
Thank you, Cody, for this deeper-level ace content! I appreciate the research that went into this and that you are sharing more advanced topics around aceness! Hope Ohio is all smooth so far :)
its hard for me but after 10 years im trying to accept the truth. when it comes to reading, watching and consuming media i am very found of relationship and sex but its only in my imagination or fictional stories or my attraction to celebrities. But when it comes to reality i hate skinship, i feel disgusted by sex and i never liked someone and i dont think i could too. thats why its so hard to understand.
I don't understand this personally. It was easy to accept my asexuality. My acceptance of me as AroAce was quicker and easier than me figuring out and accepting me as trans right now.
ACE DAD! Can you Please do a video about the problems with the definition of asexuality? It has been defined as “lack of sexual attraction” which basically means “lack of being allosexual”. First, I’ve never been inside of an allosexual’s body to know what I’m missing. Second, why do I have to be missing or lacking? No one defines allosexuality as a lack of asexuality! There are probably other concerns with this definition too. It makes me feel absolutely horrible. With that said, overall I feel great and increasingly confident as an Ace person, thanks in large part to your videos Ace Dad 😊
@@miketorlinski3462 in their book Refusing Compulsory Sexuality : A Black Asexual Lens on Our Sex Obsessed Culture, Sherronda J, Brown proposes a different definition that I really like. “ …asexuality is defined by a relationship to sex that is atypical to what has been decided on by society at large to be normative, and that atypical nature is marked by varying degrees of sexual attraction and desire. Asexual experiences stand outside what has been accepted and approved of as “normal” sexual experiences for both the queer and the heterosexual communities.” I like this definition because it’s more inclusive of the wide range of experiences within the community and eliminates the specificity that some use to try to gatekeep.
So, this is like music? Let's say pop is dominant genre most people listen to. You can hear it everywhere, on TV, in shops, in radio, in car. So you start to think it is normal to like only this kind of music. But you do not like it and find other genre, let's say heavy metal instead. Because of this many folks think that something is wrong with you because you don't like their music as everyone is loving it. You must be insane for loving such aggressive and provocative tunes, they say no one will like you and you will be alone (fear of rejection). So you believe it, try to listen to pop instead, pretend you love it. In secrecy you listen to heavy metal. But your true nature calls you. You cannot stand not being yourself. You fail most parts of your life, in extreme you even want to kill yourself because you are just not like that damn pop. Sounds of course absurd. But others tell you that. Society tells you there is one specific way to live. But there is none. Even if you are allosexual and heterosexual there are no one way to express this. For example marriage: as heterosexual you might not want it. You even might not want partner or be in polyamorous relationship. Or live without wedding. It's insane that allosexuality is controlled by that too. It is varying from country to country. I am from conservative country so I think it makes things for sexual minorities worse (for homosexual, lesbian, transsexual, etc) worse. So I wonder if allosexual are only heteropeople or homosexual too? That's why so many women hate visiting the gynecologist. If you say you do not have regular sex (with of course your spouse) it is a huge problem. They do not want to make you cytology. Some doctors will shame you for not liking it. It is a disaster as it all about your health not your sex life. You just have to have very important reason for not wanting sex at all.
Thanks for proving the point of the video. Not only is this exactly the socialization I’m talking about, but it makes assumptions about ace folks that aren’t universally true.
@@AceDadAdvice Never claimed to. Making sexuality or sex or race or gender your identity makes people depressed because it is so unimportant and shallow. Revolve your identity around something useful or deep. Anywho, for some reason this popped up in my feed and I thought it was satire at first. Live your life however you want. This is just my two cents.
I have had a feeling I was asexual ever since 2020, when I first encountered this orientation and learned what it meant. But I only accepted it and actually came out this month. I struggled a lot and created conflict with myself, mostly because I am heteroromantic (I experience romantic attraction towards the gender opposite to mine). The entire knowledge/exposure I have seen my whole life about relationships has led me to believe that romantic attraction should imply sexual too or vice-versa. I felt really relieved to prove that wrong and finally understand myself. I'm sure there are other people out there that might be struggling with understanding themselves too, but for that, I believe that awareness is very important to make such precious information get to those people. Thank you very much for all your work, you are a wonderful person! 🖤🤍💜
I just have to say, thank you for this channel, I’m so glad I found it. Literally therapy for when I can’t get therapy consistently at the moment, it’s really helped me put things into perspective and accept my asexuality while being thrown into the socially confusing world of university 🥲
I remember vividly being told that Im "immature" for not yet having an ideal family in the future just cause I told them I dont think I dont want to have any partner
I was in 2nd grade
allonormativity is so ingrained in our culture we dont even realize how these things are pushed to us at a young age
2nd grade? What?
@@ReeksofChees3 i live in a very family-orientated country where people somehow have an issue on peopl moving out of their parent's house not because they are married but just to be on our own. So they push this idea of "starting them off early" with the learning how to raise a family, especially with girls cause yah know, theyre supposed to "be the one to take care of the kids"
I’m sorry, it’s hard. I’ve had people in my life speak condescendingly to me about not being married like I haven’t done it because I’m just dumb or doing it wrong. I think some people wear their normativity like a shield and use it to deflect ideas that may threaten their status quo
I find it quite difficult to accept my being ace at work. I work in education and when you're a certain age, most kids will assume you're already married. And when you're not, kids instantly think there must be something quite wrong with you. That's allonormativity for you.
This year, my tenth-grade group was overly interested in my dating life and would constantly ask me when I'd finally start dating someone. Some students have asked me whether I'm still a virgin to my face - I didn't tell the truth, of course. It's exhausting. It's why I've recently put a selfie of me with my favourite singer in a frame in my classroom; most students blindly assume he's my husband and will therefore not bother me with questions about my relationships status. It's a little white lie but it stops things from getting awkward.
Ah, perfect, that's the kind of topic I was looking for.
I'm on the ace spectrum, and I really hate it so far. Not because I reject other people, but because it seems like another barrier for me in order to find someone, on top of being gay and with a disability.
I recently spoke to someone and was explaining how I'm demi and what demisexual is, how's I've been single for 10+ years and how that means I also haven't slept with anyone anyways they was told me that I must be super anxious around the subject of sex or uneducated, must have past trauma and haven't found the right person yet.
I'm like no, im asexual with abit of spice , I literally have no attraction to anyone at the moment and that could change at any time if I met the right person and made a connection, m/ f /nb/gf i dont have any preferences and sex isnt the most important part of a relationship, its not even necessary its just gravey.
It has nothing to do with my anxiety or trauma. It's just who I am built ♡
I really appreciate this. I've known I'm ace for a couple of years now but I still struggle with this sometimes. We're here, we exist and we're awesome ❤ no matter what anyone's expectations are!!
omg yeosang pfp😮💨
Hello fellow acetiny 😂
Thank you so much for this video. I was questioning that I might be ace and told my friend. She said “Aww but you’re only 13. You will feel that attraction when you grow up. You’re too young to know your sexuality”
Allosexuality is also something that we don't have as little children, but it develops during puperty. And if it doesn't, you are called a late bloomer or immature or childish... That was my biggest struggle with accepting my asexuality. In school I built like 80% of my sense of self-worth on being the smart one in class. I DIDN'T want to be called immature!!
Figured out I was ace about 2 weeks ago. I thought everyone was like this, but I guess not. It's been kind of weird to wrap my head around but good content like this really helps with understanding myself
I personally think that there were 2 aspects that made accepting my asexuality difficult for me and they do connect to the video in a lot of ways.
The first one was my family. My parents seem to be accepting of lesbians and gay people but they have a pretty strong prejudice against every other part of the LGBTQIA+ community, including aromantics and asexuals. I've always been scared to come out to them because everytime I subtly mention that I don't really want to date, marry or have kids, they say something very hurtful to me. My mom in particular likes using the phrase "but if you don't have a partner/kids who will bring you bananas when you're sick on the hospital bed?" and it just hurts and makes me feel lonely and as if I'd actually be better of being allo...but I know that's not true, that I do have a lot of people who care for me, that I love the way I am and that I wouldn't trade it for anything...it just creates a weird inner conflict for me because I know they are just worried but it makes me hurt.
the second one is sorta this feeling of being an imposter. What if I'm just lying to myself? What if I am actually just a late bloomer? What if I'm not actually asexual. It's stupid but I get these thoughts from time to time. I always try to convince myself that it doesn't matter if I'm wrong because what matters the most is the present and I feel comfort in knowing I'm aro ace, but it certainly makes things a little more difficult sometimes
To that first one, im sorry you live in that environment, it will bet better and you are not alone 💚🖤
And that second one, labels are just that, they are labels. You as a person can change and thats perfectly fine, if you feel ace now you can without hesitation identify as ace, if you dont feel ace in 3 years you just no longer identify as it. it's important to accept people for what they are now, not for what they were or will be in the future, this also goes for accepting yourself.
Much love 💚🖤
thanks for saying this, I relate to what you’re saying a lot. Allonormativity esp from family hurts. I remember one more recent vacation where we went to visit some relatives in China for the first time since the pandemic hit and I realized…everyone was paired up, there was such an emphasis on family, and my dad told us about a “disobedient” cousin who wanted to be a monk and not start a family. his exact words were “the problem wasn’t his religion, but that he didn’t want to start a family”. That cousin has a wife and kids now.
im also constantly afraid im just lying to myself and that I am a late bloomer and I just “want to get in on the community” but im not actually ace. I’m pretty young and though there are past indicators of being arospec/ace I still get worried about whether im wrong. It’s gotten better but it still comes back at times. if anyone sees this thx for reading and hope you can feel valid and live an authentic life ❤
God i have had all of these problems. I came out to my parents as "queer" because pan-romantic, agender asexual is something they would never get. I'm 31 now and have wanted to start dating but because I am sex-averse I feel like it's just hopeless. I meet very little people irl and most of the people who hit on me are creepy guys cuz i'm fashionable/goth i guess and wear intense makeup. But i also don't know how to meet people on dating websites or what websites are easiest to use for someone who is asexual. Please if anybody has advice im begging for help. I really want a life partner one day but I don't know where to look
@@andrewpowers2249 thanks for the info!
This describes my journey in accepting my Autism
This cycle is present for any identities and experiences. We are socialized across every part of who we are.
People would sooner accept you saying you're lonely and miserable and never married because you haven't found the "right person" than for you to be honest about being Ace and happy with how things are. 🙃 I hate it here
As I continue to evolve thru the discovery of my "aceness", I find it actually liberating to know and understand what had frustrated me for so long!
Thanks to people like you "Ace Dad", I have learned so much... plus I CAN have cake & eat it too, LOL!!!
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i think a big part of not being able to accept it is because theres so little representation out there. if there was, it would be so much easier to understand what we're feeling and we'd feel more brave to accept who we are because we're not the only ones. and if we werent the only ones, being ace would feel valid. it is valid but it takes time to feel that way. like this it feels like accepting being ace means condemning myself to being different from basically everyone, in a way that will give me a lot of struggles bc all potential partners, friends, family are allo... so yeah that cycle is damn hard to break
Wow. Great video. It applies to a lot more than just Ace, of course. But it does remind me of all the times I was told basically, "No, not like that - like this!"
Like my grandmother not understanding why I didn't want to have a partner, get married, have kids. Doing that sort of thing ensured her that there would be people in her life to take care of her in her old age. That was the structure of the society she grew up in.
Also a friend I told that I felt sex was weird and unnatural to me. She was adamant that I was wrong - I should want sex, and something was wrong with me for not wanting it.
Fortunately I'm too defiant to sink into self loathing over what other people tell me. I know I'm right about my own experiences! I'm right to want to share my experiences with others. It's more of a pity for them that they are stuck in their dogmatic ways that they feel they need to "correct" what isn't really broken in the first place.
I've been dealing with the understanding of me being ace in these past months. It hasn't been easy. At all. Suddenly I'm going against every behaviour I was used to consider normal in me. I feel broken every time I feel like trying something and nothing comes out of it
I use to feel like an outcast in my family because I was the one without any relationship experience, wanting kids, and career. Especially with my two step sisters where one is married and a mother of 4 and the other is engaged and both are straight like most of my family. This made me feel like I was immature and stuck, and I could never measure up to my family, but finding the queer community and realizing I'm a part of it really helped and accepting that not everyone goes at the same pace.
I relate to this so much. I feel like a dissapointment for my family but at the same time i know there's nothing wrong with me
I figured out I was ace about 7 or 8 years ago, put it on a back burner and decided it wasn’t that, it must be a medical issue. Then kept stressing out over it for all that time until about a year ago when I realized it isn’t a pattern of me being messed up, it’s just how I am. And it felt like a massive weight was lifted from me. The expectations I was trying to meet and the issues I was having in relationships just made sense. It took me those years of struggling against it to accept it, but now that I do it feels more like a relief than anything. Knowing I’m not broken
I just lived my life like normal thinking I was allo and that I were just a little bit behind because I was 20 and hadn't had a relationship yet. I didn't understand how people got into relationships but assumed I would suddenly find myself in one one day. I was 22yrs old when I realized people actually think of other people in a sexual way. Like sure I had seen guys write stuff on the internet but it hadn't registered people get turned on by other people and have a genuine desire to have sex with them.
I was confused, frustrated, sad and yet relieved at the same time. Now a couple months later I have more or less accepted it. Starting uni again this fall with this new knowledge will be an interesting experience
I know I am late to this video and comment thread. But I have to say thanks for helping to explain the external/internal struggle I've dealt with all of my life. I am 50, and finally after 40+ years if fighting to appear 'normal', I've FINALLY accepted who I am.It's still as daily struggle though. Especially since I was recently outed against my will by someone I trusted.
I wish I had something like this available when I was younger. It would have saved me decades of existing in the self-perpetuating and harmful cycle you are discussing here.
I have just stumbled across this channel and... my god. my heart is so full of joy. what a wonderful space you have created! I especially hope boys and men out there find comfort and compassion in your videos.
I'm a 22 y/o woman who's been pretty sure I'm ace since I was like 13 and most of the time it's a lighthearted, easy joke-able topic for me to bring up, but sometimes I either get frustrated and feel like I'm missing/lacking something, and sometimes I have a less than positive interaction with someone and end up feeling ashamed and thinking "maybe I'm just immature"
I don't know. I want to accept and feel comfort in my asexuality but when I feel particularly romantically lonely, the allosexual pressure of "true intimacy means $ex" makes me feel like I'm missing something and I'm afraid I'll never find MY true intimacy and life partner.
also when I have experiences like when a $exual scene comes up in a movie I'm watching with my brother and sister and I cringe, and then they react like I'm being unreasonable and childish, "everybody does it, come on we're adults, it's just $ex" ... and then I just feel so stupid and embarrassed. I do know I want to work on NOT reacting so adversely to $exual themes if they ever come up and I don't want to jump straight to ace rejection of the topic every time, but I also sit and wallow and beat myself up thinking I'm just being immature and annoying and this is such a negative trait for having friends and eventually finding romantic partners...
also the fact that I've been legitimately depressed since I was at least 14 and on antidepressants since like 15 and THOSE have an effect on your interest makes me question how much of this is the "real" me???? ugh
and how I've only been in two relationships, one for three months in middle school and the other a 3-year long distance online relationship with a girl who lived across the ocean. so uhh I've never actually been physically intimate or tried anything $exual with someone. I don't even hardly do it with myself. any time I get... interested, it lasts very briefly and I don't think I've ever reached a climax and often I just end up annoyed and a bit ashamed or just uncomfortable and disappointed.
I do want to eventually give myself the space and time to legitimately try to get intimate with myself and actually figure some things out, and now that I've moved out it's definitely going to be a lot easier, but it still feels just... fleeting, stressful, embarrassing, etc. I don't know. doesn't help that most ace communities and resources I've found are geared towards teens.
As someone who has studied sociology and psychology this is super interesting
i used to think there has to be something wrong with me, as i realized (couldn't put a name on it back then) i was different from my classmates when i was 14. i found out about asexuality 15 months ago and it was such a relief, and last week i stumbled upon ace dad who has already been an immense help. thank you so much dad♥
I just came out this year as ace, but i have been struggling with my asexuality for 10-11 years. I meen deep down i knew that i was ace but i just didn't want to admit it because the people around told me that i'm supposed to date and feel sexually attracted to people. But i just never felt sexual attraction towards anybody men nor women. I live in country where i'm safe to be openly ace, but the problem is that dispite learning and talking in school about different sexualities. But outside of school people just didn't talk about these things and a lot of people around me at the time weren't out of the closet. I've found out later on that many of my former friend's have come out as part of the lgbtq+ community. I defenitely agree with what you're saying in this video about accepting asexuality and thank you for making this sort of content about asexuality.
A great video with an important message for me! Everytime I hear you validate asexuality and explaining why it is valid, I feel so loved. It helps me to love myself. This cycle makes me hate myself most of the time, and then I hate myself for hating myself for who I am. It's really complicated to figure out where all this self-hatred comes from. But I know I am worth being loved by myself!
The part about the rewards filling allosexual expectation. Recently I was reviewing international immigration policies, and wondering how unfair it is that you need to be in a marriage or in at least in a romantic relationship in order to get a resident permit for almost every country.
Don't get me wrong, I know there are several other methods that asexual people can apply to. But the fact this one is probably the easiest (less paperwork and less questions) is really hurting.
@@thotslayer9914 Sorry, I didn't get your reply. Can you elaborate?
@@thotslayer9914 I never mentioned anything about being omni...? I was talking about immigration policies and how one that requires less paperwork is getting married or being in a relationship.
Yeah, it's a bias since I'm talking about my personal view. Asexuals can get married but me personally find it hard.
I would like to add that the social and cultural default settings can mess up what you think you experience. Especially for older aces like me back then in our youth. The surroundings made me think that I DID feel sexual attraction. I felt aesthetic and sensual attraction and a "directionless" sex drive, which was sometimes very high (hormonal "go make babies" days). These combined I thought I had it. It seemed to be what others were having. Because I didn't know what sexual attraction felt like (and still don't) I didn't know I didn't have it. But still something was off. I had sex and learned to do it well but it was like "meh". An unnecessary dessert after non-sexual closenes. Often I felt even bad afterwards. Like violated somehow, even if it had "worked" physically. I thought there was something wrong with me. Anxiety and depression maybe. Maybe hormones were off. Maybe the guy was wrong. Some years ago I gave up trying. But only now, at 47 I finally understand I'm asexual.
I relate at lot to this. I am the same age, was once told mid 20s that my lack of any relationships showed I was emotionally immature. In school I faked myself into crushes but the idea was only ever liking them as a friend. Ididn't understand the emotions others had. I didn't have any romantic relationship in school, as I was bullied about my appearance and low self esteem I put it down to that. But the pattern stayed. I found myself looking at people pairing off and struggled to make sense of how x and y ended up together, everyone seemed an odd mix. I just had no sense of what their feelings involved. My sister is married and had 2 boys (now men) so no parental expectations, and both me and my other sister have gone through life without any label but without any significant relationships either. It is only recently I began to explore the label - mostly after some very frank discussions with a male friend, the only times anyone has explained to me their experience of sexual attraction, and I recognised how different my experience was. It is helpful to acknowledge that there is a name for how I am, but my life will I expect go on as before, happily single. And now late 40s people don't ask if I have 'met anyone nice' and generally don't ask about history, maybe they assume some sad backstory and now she is single. So still working out what it means to give a label
Thank you so much for this video ❤ I find it so hard to accept my asexuality and it makes me feel dumb because I haven’t experienced direct aphobia so why do I find it so hard?? But I do often struggle to find myself or feel like I belong and I’m a HSP so hearing this really helped me feel a bit less alone ❤❤❤
hi im not sure if you take video suggestions but id love to see a video about how to show love and attraction in an ace/allo relationship? like my bf is allo and we dont have sex because im usually sex averse and i know i dont want to have sex but it makes it difficult for me to know if he is physically attracted to me without that part of the relationship. how do i overcome this insecurity that he doesnt find me physically attractive when sex and sexual intimacy isnt a part of our relationship? i hope that makes sense
If anyone is interested, this information comes from author Bobbie Harro, “The Cycle of Socialization” in the book “Readings for Diversity and Social Justice”. The pdf is available online for free.
Thank you!
I’m out as ace and aro-spec -wish I could be as bi too but- but…my family still don’t believe it’s “a thing,” or delude themselves into believing I’ll “get over it/stop being resistant” -I’m 28…-
It’s pretty frustrating and repeatedly not respected, and I don’t know if it’s a “relief” or not that my family doesn’t view it as part of the queer community -ie why I cannot come out as bi, at least not until I can get stable enough to be independent- or not 😐
Been there. My parents asked me if it was a joke when I came out as ace and biromantic. They're deeply religious and I can't talk to them about LGBT+ issues, because it always devolves into hurt feelings and name calling. I've had to set boundaries for myself and I have specific things I will not talk to them about, and I keep to those boundaries because it's not worth arguing with them and then going home feeling like I'm not real.
I feel like I'm forcing myself to like women in the "normal" way.
Oh Cody, please know that ALL of us struggle! The times that I seem "Pollyanna" and happy and talk about loving myself and the skin I'm in are when I'm also in the denial part of the cycle, convinced that all it will take for this to change is to meet the right person (which hasn't happened in 53 years.)
Thank you sm for your videos. Im still struggling in acceptance and I think being aego complicates it a bit more. I feel Im in a weird limbo because of it. Im trying and your videos help sm.
Thank you so much! I wish everyone could see this video...
Thank you for the video
My favorite teacher 🥹
Thank you for your ideas/videos 💜🖤🤍:)))
Always learning and relearning this.
Thanks a lot for this video.
I want to add something to the things you said about what happens when we do nothing (at ca. 10:50). Even if we play by the rules, the fear and self-hatred won't stop because we're constantly hurting ourselves and because we know that we're just pretending to be something we're not.
Who did the illustrations and where they done for this video?
Very good point.
I did all the slides for this video. Used an online program.
@@AceDadAdvice They look really cool. 🙂
Your comment reminds me of a lyric from a citizen soldier song- “hate my life for being fake, or hate myself for being real”
A cycle that's consistent, circular, and self-perpetuating sounds like a feedback loop to me.
This video was so empowering for me. Sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me. Still trying to push those thoughts away
It’s a process. Be kind to yourself.
this is exactly the video i needed to see… this is the main thing prevented me from accepting that i am ace (even though i know…) thank you
I'm so glad I found this video. Thanks!!!
Now I'm just confused as to why I don't struggle with accepting my asexuality
Edit: it seems my biggest "weapon" against the socialisation cycle is my inability to give a shit about what people think of me
Thank you, Cody, for this deeper-level ace content! I appreciate the research that went into this and that you are sharing more advanced topics around aceness!
Hope Ohio is all smooth so far :)
Cannot wait for your book! :))
its hard for me but after 10 years im trying to accept the truth.
when it comes to reading, watching and consuming media i am very found of relationship and sex but its only in my imagination or fictional stories or my attraction to celebrities. But when it comes to reality i hate skinship, i feel disgusted by sex and i never liked someone and i dont think i could too. thats why its so hard to understand.
For a long time, the classic I’m just broken trope 🎉, then 😂, oh my god asexual? Now at 56, I’m good with it. I am❤❤❤❤
I’m ace but I hate it. It makes me feel so alone. I don’t want to experience sex at all, but I don’t like that I was born this way
I don't understand this personally. It was easy to accept my asexuality. My acceptance of me as AroAce was quicker and easier than me figuring out and accepting me as trans right now.
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ACE DAD! Can you Please do a video about the problems with the definition of asexuality? It has been defined as “lack of sexual attraction” which basically means “lack of being allosexual”.
First, I’ve never been inside of an allosexual’s body to know what I’m missing. Second, why do I have to be missing or lacking? No one defines allosexuality as a lack of asexuality!
There are probably other concerns with this definition too. It makes me feel absolutely horrible.
With that said, overall I feel great and increasingly confident as an Ace person, thanks in large part to your videos Ace Dad 😊
How would you define it
@@miketorlinski3462 in their book Refusing Compulsory Sexuality : A Black Asexual Lens on Our Sex Obsessed Culture, Sherronda J, Brown proposes a different definition that I really like. “ …asexuality is defined by a relationship to sex that is atypical to what has been decided on by society at large to be normative, and that atypical nature is marked by varying degrees of sexual attraction and desire. Asexual experiences stand outside what has been accepted and approved of as “normal” sexual experiences for both the queer and the heterosexual communities.” I like this definition because it’s more inclusive of the wide range of experiences within the community and eliminates the specificity that some use to try to gatekeep.
Oh, and I’m on the spectrum with the pathetic self hatred already, 😂😅
So, this is like music? Let's say pop is dominant genre most people listen to. You can hear it everywhere, on TV, in shops, in radio, in car. So you start to think it is normal to like only this kind of music. But you do not like it and find other genre, let's say heavy metal instead. Because of this many folks think that something is wrong with you because you don't like their music as everyone is loving it. You must be insane for loving such aggressive and provocative tunes, they say no one will like you and you will be alone (fear of rejection). So you believe it, try to listen to pop instead, pretend you love it. In secrecy you listen to heavy metal. But your true nature calls you. You cannot stand not being yourself. You fail most parts of your life, in extreme you even want to kill yourself because you are just not like that damn pop. Sounds of course absurd. But others tell you that. Society tells you there is one specific way to live. But there is none. Even if you are allosexual and heterosexual there are no one way to express this. For example marriage: as heterosexual you might not want it. You even might not want partner or be in polyamorous relationship. Or live without wedding. It's insane that allosexuality is controlled by that too. It is varying from country to country. I am from conservative country so I think it makes things for sexual minorities worse (for homosexual, lesbian, transsexual, etc) worse. So I wonder if allosexual are only heteropeople or homosexual too? That's why so many women hate visiting the gynecologist. If you say you do not have regular sex (with of course your spouse) it is a huge problem. They do not want to make you cytology. Some doctors will shame you for not liking it. It is a disaster as it all about your health not your sex life. You just have to have very important reason for not wanting sex at all.
Why is it so hard ? Maybe also because one is missing something,a thing which is among the most rewarding experiences ever.
Thanks for proving the point of the video. Not only is this exactly the socialization I’m talking about, but it makes assumptions about ace folks that aren’t universally true.
Fomo
You should probably not make your sexuality your identity.
You should probably not make dismissive and off-base internet comments yours.
@@AceDadAdvice Never claimed to. Making sexuality or sex or race or gender your identity makes people depressed because it is so unimportant and shallow. Revolve your identity around something useful or deep. Anywho, for some reason this popped up in my feed and I thought it was satire at first. Live your life however you want. This is just my two cents.
This video is intellectually dishonest. It’s ideological in nature, not factual.
Someone has a thesaurus
I have had a feeling I was asexual ever since 2020, when I first encountered this orientation and learned what it meant. But I only accepted it and actually came out this month.
I struggled a lot and created conflict with myself, mostly because I am heteroromantic (I experience romantic attraction towards the gender opposite to mine). The entire knowledge/exposure I have seen my whole life about relationships has led me to believe that romantic attraction should imply sexual too or vice-versa. I felt really relieved to prove that wrong and finally understand myself.
I'm sure there are other people out there that might be struggling with understanding themselves too, but for that, I believe that awareness is very important to make such precious information get to those people. Thank you very much for all your work, you are a wonderful person! 🖤🤍💜
I just have to say, thank you for this channel, I’m so glad I found it. Literally therapy for when I can’t get therapy consistently at the moment, it’s really helped me put things into perspective and accept my asexuality while being thrown into the socially confusing world of university 🥲
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