Ask a Therapist: Purity Culture and Asexuality
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 20 มิ.ย. 2022
- Purity Culture has done a number on many of us. One of the less talked about impacted communities (and arguably one of the least talked about communities within the LGBTQIA+ umbrella) are those who identify as Asexual.
In this week's Ask a Therapist video, we will outline the ways in which Purity Culture has impacted the Ace community, some definitions and explanations of what that title even means, and some ways that allosexual people can better interact with the Ace community.
#asexuality #purityculture #askatherapist
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Kelly is a LMHC (Licensed Mental Health Counselor) in the USA making TH-cam videos to inform, entertain, and empower viewers. Watching these videos does not constitute a therapeutic relationship or therapy. Should you wish to find a therapist, or more information, check out the links below!
Helpful Links:
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🧡The Trevor Project: www.thetrevorproject.org/
💛Looking for a therapist in your area? Check out Psychology Today: www.psychologytoday.com/us
💚Great article on Internalized Homophobia: www.rainbow-project.org/inter...
💙 Instagram: @AnchoredCounselingFL
💜 Instagram: @KellyRMinter
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Something I always hated hearing was “Oh, you’re so sheltered-you’ll understand when you’re older.” Because I knew that the way I felt and experienced relationships wasn’t just because I grew up in Catholic schools. Yeah, that’s part of it, but I didn’t have to vocabulary to express it until freaking college when I was exposed to actual information about LGBTQIA+ and I learned what the heck asexuality was.
Understanding my asexuality was sort of like when I was diagnosed with ADHD as a teen, it was a lens through which everything made sense and helped me be more comfortable in my own brain and body.
Purity culture fooled me into thinking the closet didn’t exist, and if it did exist, I should consider myself lucky to have such a cozy little room under the stairs because I was immune from the sin of lust. I’m not entirely out yet, but the door is open, and the fresh air feels damn fine.
YAAASSS to fresh air! I love the way you describe this here! 💙💙💙
As an ace person, some problems that have come from purity culture:
Constantly being reminded that most people feel sexual attraction and that I’m “supposed” to because adults as you become a teen are always talking about how you should be careful not to have sex and how you can’t go to parties with the opposite gender because you’ll want to have sex,
Being fetishized. Purity culture makes virginity appealing. Many ace folks are virgins, and people who don’t know about ace people assume all aces are virgins. We are fetishized and sought after because we’re “pure” virgins.
I have always felt uncomfortable with showing physical, platonic affection because I’ve been taught that hugging and cuddling someone is leading to something more that I didn’t want. It took me decades to become comfortable expressing my need for hugs and kisses in a platonic sense.
While I’m not a man, many men are taught that they can’t allowed to be ace because men want it.
As an aromantic person as well, purity culture has created a lot of FOMO because I’ve been taught she’s is gonna be so good but also that I should never have sex without marriage.
And the worst part is no one believes you. People who grow up in purity culture either think you’re being virtuous or being a “prude” and often times they think that you’ll give up your assumed choice of celibacy the minute a hot person shows interest. Or they’ll call you an incel for not wanting sex, because they assume everyone wants sex.
Something else that also should be discussed is how purity culture affects aromantic people. Because as much as we focus on sex, our culture puts virginity in a pedestal, especially for women. Being aromantic, on the other hand, meets a lot of similar beats to ace people with purity but with added isolation from the focus on romance.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I appr your honesty and transparency ❤️
Great point about discussing how those who are aromantic are impacted by purity culture! I will put it on the list for sure. 💙💙
I grew up deep in purity culture. I will admit I was, as a teen, super judgmental of those who had sex before getting married. For me, it was super easy because I experienced ZERO sexual attraction or desire and I thought it was that easy for everyone. I
Thank you for commenting! Your story, I think, is probably familiar to so many...purity culture twisted a lot of things for a lot of us 💚💚
I was very much the same.
Me too !!!!!! I was the same when I was a teenager.
I asked my friend, “when you see someone you’re attracted to, what is your first thought?” And his immediate response was that he imagines having sex with them and I was so floored by that. I’ve spent my whole life thinking attraction was wanting closeness with someone. Sex is totally not on my radar with strangers at all to the point that it seems absurd that anyone would want that.
I am so glad you had that interaction with that friend though. I think so many of us assume others see it the way we do, and in reality its all different shades of things! 🧡🧡
It is so validating to hear that I'm not the only one experiencing fallout from purity culture as an asexual. I talk to allosexual friends and they usually say things like "You're so lucky because it was easy for you to 'follow the rules' and you didn't have any 'temptations'." Thank you for making this video!
Thank you for watching!!! ❤️❤️
Oh wow, that connection between desiring closeness and intimacy and not understanding that that's not what sex is, really hit me. I was so scared of touching anyone or someone being close to me because I think I thought that sex just happened. I didn't know what it actually was, and was never told otherwise. I thought that I could only emotionally give myself to the person I married, so I just wanted to be in a relationship and get married so badly because I was lonely and wanted that close relationship.
Then I did get married and really struggled with sex. At first I thought it was just that I had to get over purity culture, and then I went to doctors and got hormone testing. It never got easier.
But I don't think I've ever had a desire for sex. I've wanted romantic things, and hugs and cuddles, and definitely emotional intimacy, but that's it. Trying to have sexual desire for another person feels like putting on an itchy wool sweater, or like I'm an actor in a play.
I'm so glad that resonated with you! Thanks for watching! 💚💚
‘Itchy wool sweater’ is a fantastic way to describe it!
While you touched on it a bit, I can say as an asexual man who grew up in purity culture, that people find it hard to believe men who are asexual, because the messages are so often drilled that all men are crazy for sex. So, when I find myself telling I'm asexual, people find it difficult to conceptualize, because purity culture (along with secular society) kept saying all men want is sex and no "real man" would turn down sex. I was told by a pastor when I told him I wanted to be single but felt excluded as a guy for still being single in my mid-20s that he didn't think most people had a gift of singleness and he just thought that I was blocking off my destiny of being a man of God and family man (I didn't want kids or sex at all). So, he just denied me even existing. That was a huge part of my deconstruction journey, honestly.
Purity culture puts so much pressure on men to basically not have sex, but then they shame those who stay single for "too long" in their eyes. They make single people feel like 2nd class citizens too often. Throw that in with the whole "All Men Want Sex" trope that church goes along with, and I felt like an alien. I didn't know who I was, because church was telling me that I had to be sexual (when I wasn't) and that everyone has to get married (which I never wanted. I'm aro-ace). So, I struggled for years. It took leaving church to find out I'm aromantic asexual and finally find wholeness, putting the pieces of myself together. Discovering that I'm asexual has helped me find harmony within myself. It took leaving purity culture and church altogether to do so.
Wow thank you so much for sharing this. Hugely enlightening for many of us. Thank you 💛💛💛
@@KellyRMinter No problem. I am actually writing a book about asexuality, and this is one of the chapters of my book. So, I discuss this in full with my book.
That's awesome! Any idea when it'll be published? I'd love to read it!
@@KellyRMinter I am still working on it. It's in progress. So, I can't tell you. But I'm working on it, for sure.
Best of luck on your book! I’m looking forward to reading it! I agree - non-spiritual/clergy male aces are really underrepresented in these discussions.
The other problematic trope I’ve come across in some male discussions is celibacy & aceness as a mode of transcendence or spiritual superiority (at least from an academic perspective. I happen to be a woman on the ace spectrum who’s a theologian). I respect those who practice abstinence beyond the confines of purity culture. It’s also important to respect celibates and aces who never saw it that way in the first place; humans are not tools - we’re beings!
11:58 I feel so seen 🥺 holy crap you took the words right outta my mouth. I love this video so much, thank you for discussing this during Pride!!
Thank you for the comment! And thanks for watching 💚💚
As an older Ace person, it is sooo liberating to actually know my feelings are valid! Growing up and living for so many years wondering "what is wrong with me?" takes a toll on your psyche and well being...
I am sorry that you had to live that way for so long. Your feelings ARE valid, and so is your experience 💙
I'm ace, and I used to be a fundamentalist Christian. This is the first time I've ever heard another person discuss some of the unique confusion that combination causes or acknowledge how common messages dismissive of asexuality can be in social spaces for deconstructing people.
I'm so very glad you found the channel 🧡🧡
Thank you for making this video! It was very informative and non-judgemental. I really, really wish I had had access to something like this when I was younger and trying to figure myself out.
I am so glad it was helpful! Thank you for watching! 💚💚
One thing I feel should've been mentioned is ace guys. In society where man is defaulted to the passionate, dominating breadwinner, being ace is deeply isolating. It's easy to feel like you're broken when all the peers talk about girls and you have nothing to say. Are they crazy or am I?
Neither are crazy, just different. And being different is perfectly ok 👍
Regardless of what others might say, stay true to yourself, and see life as the adventure it is. It's what I've had to do XD
That's a great point, the ways in which purity culture has impacted ace men is really never talked about. I echo what our other commenter said, though, and I don't think anyone in that scenario is crazy. I DO think that if education about asexuality and other orientations was focused on more at younger ages, so many people would have been saved the frustration and turmoil of having to piece it together by themselves. ❤️🧡💜
Thank you for this video! I have recently been very confused about my identity, and as a practicing Catholic I've had a hard time determining whether what I (don't) feel is linked to asexuality or just plain ol' repression. I haven't really seen many people discuss the connections between religion/purity culture and asexuality, so if you ever feel like diving deeper into this subject, I would absolutely love to hear it!
Thank you so much for watching! I'd love to do .ore of these in the future, for sure ❤️💜💜
There are so many things about this video that are extremely helpful to me. Thank you for making this. I haven't ever heard purity culture + ace spoken about together.
What you say about marriage and marriage = sex so why would someone want that....
And also realizing how "other" I always felt when people were talking about how much they "struggled" with purity and I had no idea what they were talking about.
I've watched this video more than once, I'll probably watch it more, I've sent it to others. Thank you so much.
Thank you so much for this video. I love how you distinguished attraction from preference and behavior. Asexuality and aversion are not the same thing.
It took me a while to figure out I was on the ace spectrum because of my religious background. It also took me awhile to figure out that I also was harmed by purity culture. While it wasn’t by the strict “dirty” sex idea, it was harm by omission. I didn’t have trouble with celibacy and waiting until marriage when I was in HS (and even now) because being physical just wasn’t my MO. I prefer to be in love and committed (be it marriage or a defined relationship status) with the person before going all the way - a view I later learned not everyone shares.
(Sorry for turning this into an essay. Feel free to skip the last paragraph if you don’t want an update)
I’m now defining my aceness and thankfully it’s a lot easier since I have a lot of support compared to when I was in the beginning in my journey. My biggest obstacle has been the separation of marriage & dating from sex; even though deep down I know there’s a separation, they’re always linked in conversations. I’m dating for the first time ever and there’s a lot more I’m learning compared to my peers who started in their teens and early 20s but it’s been a good experience so far. Wish me luck!
I absolutely always want updates, and I skipped none of that comment ☺️.
Thank you for sharing your journey so far. I love hearing what you are learning about yourself and the world around you! 🧡🧡
I don't have much to add to the conversation because you pretty much hit all the points I can think of (and made me realize my disgust with sex is something I definitely need to address), but like a lot of people I feel the need to throw my personal experience here as well haha
Growing up in a christian household, not sure if it's a purity culture one, I've hated being told I'll meet a man and have kids since I was a kid myself! Even NOW, at almost twenty years old, everyone who I haven't told I'm gay thinks I'm going to get married and have kids despite having said the opposite for years. Like, no... unfortunately, the only way to get a lot of people to understand, is with time. Granted, my family is far more open and less strict about religion than others here, so I'm grateful I don't have to worry about what my family will think of me.
And honestly though I do feel really lucky to be a sex repulsed ace. I always knew I wouldn't like it and I still have no interest whatsoever in it, and I imagine if I'd been confused it would've just been ANOTHER stresser in middle/high school. Knowing I'm ace has given me a lot of confidence in myself!
I LOVE to hear that you've gained confidence in yourself by knowing who you are. That's awesome! 🧡🧡
the part where you talked about being scared of the emotional connection because it seems wrong as well since it's the closest thing to the sexual desire that i experience made so much sense. i never thought about it that way, but i definitely experience that...
I'm so glad you were able to hear it! 💙💙
Thank you so much for discussing this! It's so hard to find good information of asexuality and how it affects people. Purity culture had a profound affect on my developing asexual brain, and it's nice to know that I'm not crazy. I've had too many of people tell me that asexuality "doesn't exist" or is a symptom of some mental illness.
Also, 12:00 hit me HARD. I really want to love and be loved and date and get married and yada yada yada, but the fear of being expected to have sex keeps me from even trying. I didn't even fully realize where this fear came from until you talked about it. I still don't know how to even approach dating as an asexual person, but im glad I can approach it with a better understanding of myself.
I'm so glad this video found it's way to you, and that it is helping you know yourself better. You and your needs are valid, don't let anyone invalidate them just because they don't look like needs are "expected" to look. 💙💙💙
Thank you so much for this 💜
You're so welcome! Thank you for watching! 💜💜
Wow, I'm def going to watch more of your videos! Before I do, thank you so much for pointing out the ace confusion about touching/closeness with others. I found out my close Christian friend (straight) and I are both touch-friendly people 6 months ago...and we've been friends for 13 years!! We were that repressed and afraid to touch anyone that we held ourselves back to that degree. I mean, better safe then sorry, but seriously?! I just want to hug my friends, maybe even snuggle (no romo, haha).
Thank you so much for watching!! ❤️❤️❤️
Could you do one about being aromantic? I think it’s pretty relevant regarding purity culture, especially if the person is aromantic without being asexual.
Yes! Such a good suggestion! Thank you 💚
You slapped me in the face with your discussion on suppressing your desire for emotional intimacy because in adolescence you equate emotional intimacy with a desire for sex.
Like…..darn….THATS ME! I experienced that holy shoot. I only ever wanted to be emotionally close but I was terrified because I was told by everyone in my life that if I got without ten feet of a guy I was in danger of becoming impure and having sex. When I have never even once wanted sex. Dang.
I’ve only really admitted to myself That I’m asexual in the last six months or so so I’m very new to these concepts
I am so glad this resonated with you!! It needs to be talked about, and I'm glad you are exploring that in your own life. Thank you for watching! 💚💚
THANK YOU for talking about this topic in the way that you do.
I'm so glad it meant something to you. Thank you for watching 💜💜
Another excellent video!
Thanks for watching! 💜💜
Thank you so much.
Always welcome, thank you for watching 🧡🧡
Keep up the great work 🙂
Thank you for watching!!
Wow, am I thankful for the TH-cam algorithm today! This is the first video by a counselor who understood asexuality and connected the purity culture piece!
I just figured out about two years ago that I am Ace at the ripe old age of 46. I thought that since I had a libido that I couldn’t be asexual. I thought I couldn’t have a romantic relationship because I didn’t want to have sex with anyone. I actually thought that I didn’t please God and that is why he never sent me the man I felt drawn to in that way that would be the man I would marry. I would have romantic crushes but wouldn’t act on them because I knew it would lead to sex. Very frustrating and confusing!!
I am still grieving all the many years I thought I was a weirdo and didn’t know that it is completely normal and I am not the only one.
Thank you so much for your video!!
I’ll have to look into video counseling with you!
I love a good algorithm find! So glad you are here, thank you for watching! 💗💗
I hope that you see responses to old videos. I think I first saw this about two weeks after you uploaded it. I couldn’t watch it all the way through. It was only this past week that I was able to really go through it. I am the worst case of what you are talking about here. I am a 57 year old Asexual. Personally I am sex repulsed, but am sex positive for other people. I was raised in a fundamentalist home, graduated from Bob Jones, and married right out of college. It was a 20 marriage that was hell. I’m planning on making a TH-cam video or more to go through my story.
I definitely see responses to old videos ☺️ I'm glad you came back to it, and I hope you found it helpful. When you feel ready, sharoyour story on your channel would probably be helpful...to you AND to others who are undoubtedly in the same position. I think it's a pretty common (and as you know, incorrect) assumption that people in the ace community are "anti sex". I've never met someone who is ace and thinks no one should have sex. Ive met so many in your position, that are then made to feel ashamed bc they don't experience sexual attraction. I am sorry our society does this, and am so glad you are working your way to the other side of that for yourself ❤️❤️
I harmonize with this so much.
I'm so glad this spoke to you! Thanks for watching! 💜💜
This is such an interesting interplay between asexuality and purity culture! Thanks for pointing this out when in so much of our culture this kind of conversation still feels like taboo.
Absolutely! Thank you for watching! 💙💙
Thank You so much for this video.
As someone who identifies as being an Asexual, I feel heard.
I feel Ike someone actually understands my experience when it comes to sexual attraction.
Plus I related sooooo much when you explained the experience Asexuals could feel within the confusing and conflicting purity culture-I was raised in purity culture as well as Christianity.
I’m so glad to hear that it’s ok to naturally not experience sexual attraction to others.
Because of how I was raised I was so confused.
On one hand, I was told if I didn’t have want to have sex with people, I wasn’t normal.
I remember never being able to relate to my non-Christian peers whenever they discussed the topic in pretty much every way.
I also remember feeling like I never fit in because I never understood it.
It made me very uncomfortable-especially upon being raised within purity culture.
On the other hand, I was told to abstain completely from the concept of sex until marriage.
In fact I ended up becoming absolutely terrified of the concept because I was literally told that if I even engaged in the act of sex via just thinking about the concept, I’d go to hell.
Currently, I’ve been working through overcoming this fear and accepting myself for who I am.
But aside from my asexuality, I also identify with being a Demiromantac.
And the only time I’ve ever gotten into a romantic relationship, it didn’t end well.
So, it’s…I don’t know…very confusing…because I’m afraid of getting into another romantic relationship and getting hurt again.
So I avoid it.
But I don’t have sexual attraction to others, so I’ll probably never get married..and I’m fine with that now.
But I used to feel soooooo ashamed of myself because I hardly every had a boyfriend or was never in a romantic relationship.
When I asked the church, (without knowing these terms-that was probably for best then), if me being that way was ok, I was more often than not, told that at least I wouldn’t have the temptation of having Sex.
The messages that I got from being raised in both purity culture and Christianity were so conflicting and confusing.
But again, I’m sooo great full to know that it is ok to be an asexual.
Thank You.
(^ ^)
I am so glad you are hearing it here, and I am sorry you aren't hearing it more/in more places. You are VALID! 💜💜
@@KellyRMinter I know this is a very late response, but this comment means a lot to me and I’m very thankful for that.
So again, Thank You.
(^ ^)
Even though I only discovered the word “asexual” as an adult, I’ve always known that’s who I am. Recently looking back, I’ve reflected on how lucky that made me as a teenager in the Evangelical church, because I tuned out sermons and talks about purity culture, because I knew sex would never apply to me. Watching this video, I realized that’s true but not the whole story.
What I didn’t realize until watching this video is that one way purity culture still harmed me was exactly what you say about seeing my desires for emotional intimacy as bad, and squelching them, and feeling isolated. Thank you for articulating that; I will begin to work through that.
I'm so glad you found this helpful 💙💙
Thanks, I just found I'm an asexual by listening to you. You just described me.
Glad to help! 💚💚
12:42 THIS!!!! 👏👏👏
💚💚💚
I'm asexual, and not wanting closeness definitely resonates with me. In high school, I really struggled to talk to my parents about hanging out with friends (and thus never made anything happen) because I had an irrational fear that my parents would equate this with wanting sex.
Thank you for watching, and sharing your experience! 💙💙💙
I think it is really important to bring more light on the subject of sexuality from an ace perspective, so thank you for the video! However, I disagree with the definition you gave for greysexuality, since it is part of the asexual spectrum. It is an umbrella term, referring to people who feel limited sexual attraction or infrequent. Basically, you have on one end of the spectrum asexual people, on the other end of the spectrum allosexuals, and greysexuality is the fuzzy space in between. Saying that people that identify as greyace or demi are not part of ace-spec identities is like saying that bi or pan identities are not gay enough, or that nonbinary people are not trans (I do not think it has the same harmful impact, but it still feels alienating).
Thanks for your comment! When I was doing my research I was speaking with someone from the Asexuality Visibility and Education network and we talked this through a lot. Their reasoning for not putting it technically in the spectrum is because of the invalidation of people who identify as Asexual, because demi and gray identities DO CONTAIN some form of sexual attraction. They said that, from their perspective, putting any sexual attraction on that spectrum comes off as invalidating.
But we did talk about the fact that this isn't something that people across the board always agree on. And I don't want it to come off as though those identities don't "count" either because they absolutely do. Anyhow, all that to say thank you for that perspective, I think it is helpful for people to see the differing viewpoints 💜💜💜
@@KellyRMinter I think I get where they are coming from, but as a bigreyace, there is a bit of worry of not being gay enough or ace enough to deserve being in these kind of spaces. If me saying I am on the ace-spec is invalidating to ace people, does that mean that if I say I am gay I am invalidating lesbians? It is a genuine question, most of my interactions with other lgbt people have been online as I have only recently come out of the closet
You are asking some really fair questions. I did a video recently and inside of it I talked about the gatekeeping in the queer community and how it builds walls (similar to the ones that are built against us). I think it may be helpful to do a while video on it.
My general answer is that, because there is so much keeping us "out" of cishet spaces, we all dig into our definitions within the community. Because of this we will almost always run the risk of someone feeling invalidated or on the outside, due to our own understanding of who we are and how we experience that in the world. And so the only answer is (as you did here) inviting honest discourse and understanding, allowing people to share their experiences and their viewpoints. We treat one another more gently than the world treats is, because there are so many bumps, bruises, and scars we carry from the way the heteronormative society that has marginalized us so badly. 💜💜
@@KellyRMinter the very fact that they call at the asexual spectrum you'd think would include graysexuals and demisexuals (unless you consider demis as being more on the bi spec) otherwise they must just consider sexuality as being an on-off binary, right?
@jstorm I dont know that I agree with that statement, specifically, because I believe that all states of existence exist in a spectrum. To me, to assume gray is on the ace spectrum as you suggest means that the spectrum itself has ace on one end and allo on another, and that understanding is problematic to me (again, just to me. I am very open to the idea that I am wrong here)
In the human condition, I don't think the ends of the spectrum need to be the antithesis of one another. But I think I see your point.
For video purposes, if I don't have lived experience in something I usually try to seek out experts in that area with lived experience (like I did here). And obviously not all lived experience is going to be the same, which I why I seek out people recognized in that arena. (I do the best I can, anyway, but I'd never say it's 100% right).
Personally I can see both sides of this...why it feels inappropriate to some in the Ace community to include graysexuals on their continuum, and then also why that leaves graysexuals feeling displaced, or like they have nowhere to land. And, because of what I believe about the human spirit and the human existence, I think there is space for both to be accurate in their assessment of the spectrums.
Certainly, in individual therapy sessions, this conversation is much easier. Because, at the end of the day, the goal is for people to know who they are and how they want to share that with the world. And in that their own definitions (should they choose to use definitions) have to make sense to them individually.
Wow that got long winded. Maybe this needs to be a video topic 😀
There is a lot to unpack there… you always challenge me. I am pondering if there is any relationship between childhood sexual trauma, neurodivergence, and Asexuality? Asking for a friend..
That's a good question. There is absolutely a connection between any trauma and neurodivergence. There is enough research out there to confirm that trauma changes our brains (and bodies).
There can definitely be a connection between sexual aversion and sexual trauma. But I wouldn't draw the connection between being Asexual and Trauma, because that's a stereotype that is harmful to the Ace community (much like saying someone is gay because of sexual trauma, right? They may have had trauma, they may be gay, but to make them causational lowers their identity to something outside of empowerment, which is less than productive). 💙💙💙
@@KellyRMinter Thanks. You're the best !! 💯❤❤❤
Thanks for breaking down the terms greysexual and demisexual. For a long time I expected I might be asexual until I caught feelings for my eventual husband after almost ten years of slow burn friendship and just assumed I was repressed from my church experience. Asexual didn’t quite describe me, I do desire sex but only really for one person. Didn’t know there was a term for that.
I'm so glad that it was helpful 🧡🧡
Hey kelly recently i was on a debate with someone on procreation.... he said people have to stop being gay because people should procreate otherwise we can't maintain the human species as he told me and i don't know how to response can u help me??? personally as a gay guy i can't procreate cuz am gay am not attracted to woman... that said awesome video keep going kelly love you🖤🖤🖤
Well there are many reasonable answers here, one of which being that not all straight couples procreate. Not all of them want to, and many can't. Does this person see those couples are endangering the species?
Also the world is OVER populated. People who don't procreate are actually helping the world. AND I know a lot of gay people who DO procreate, so....there goes that argument IMO.
The bigger question here is what does this person hope to accomplish in making this general (and harmful and offensive) statement? Sometimes when I am in a debate like that with someone I ask them "what do you need to hear from me or what do you need to know/see to be willing to look at this differently?" Often the answer is nothing, in which case it may not be worth your time to engage. And sometimes they have an answer and the conversation can be more productive. ❤️❤️
@@KellyRMinter thanks😘😘
I am an outed Ace person within my family, and let me tell you, that was the absolute most worst decision I had ever done in my whole life. I live in a house that is very sex active. Like as long as you were safe and stuff it was actually encouraged. Which yes is better than being told what purity culture tells you and I feel like I am a better person because the devils tango was not ostracized. However the down fall is that I was always uncomfortable whenever it was being talked about, especially within my family with sex jokes directed at me, and being told “when you meet that one guy you will understand” and so, so much more.
I would panic and say “if that’s what God chooses” with a nervous laugh was the only way to get everyone to shut up about me specifically having sex. Everyone in my family will talk about how hot people are and I just never got it and only recently I understood why I was the way I was. I had felt broken and miserable because I didn’t feel the same ways other people felt. Then I found out others felt the same way I do. It made me feel whole. So after a year or so testing the word asexual and openly identifying as it, I felt comfortable telling my mom… the worst mistake of my life.
She talked to me for hours how it was impossible. It wasn’t real. The only reason why I felt this way was because I never did it with anyone yet. That sex was a beautiful thing where you give part of your energy to your partner and they give part of theirs to you. That denying yourself that energy release is damaging to you, that you would have to be inhumane to not feel this way. Only psychopaths or sociopaths could be ace because they lacked what made them care about people and want others to have them. That I was too young to know how to feel. That if I felt this way, we needed to see a doctor. I was seventeen when I told her… I was so shocked, she would have been way more accepting if I came out as gay or bi or anything else… she called me a psychopath, she called me broken, she called me immature, all because I was being honest with myself. I should have never told her because since then the “if that’s what god chooses” line doesn’t work anymore, it’s now like my fate is written in stone. I will meet the one, and I will have sex, and if I don’t then I am inhuman. It has instilled the idea in me that I will never have happy and fulfilling relationships because you need attraction to the other to fall in love. It has made me think I will die alone. That I am inhuman.
I have overcome this thinking though. I still fear the fact of never finding someone I can spend my time with and them to not expect me to have sex with them. Being human is overrated, I’d rather not be human than to force myself to be with anyone in a sexual sense for the sake of normalcy.
I am sorry you had to go through that. It is not ok on ANY level. Our human condition, usually, is for some form of connection, yes. But what that looks like/feels like/how that is comfortable for you is an individual thing. I am so sorry anyone has ever made you feel like your existence is anything other that awesome and worthy of happiness. You deserve happiness. 💜💜💜
Actually, my fun complication was that I was aegosexual and aegoromantic. So I was cool with sexual fantasy, spicy scenes in movies and racy romance novels. And because I was cool with that, I thought I wanted sex with an actual man. But every time I dated, it was always a disaster. And I blamed it on him, or on me. I finally decided that dating was horrible and I had other things I'd rather do. And that was how I lived until I was 53.
And that was how you lived HAPPILY until you were 53, or that was How you lived RESIGNED until you were 53? It makes a huge difference.
Either way, you have the right to live how you want, and enjoy what you want. I advocate for safety and respect within those areas, but beyond that I feel like the world is your oyster, my friend! 🧡🧡
@@KellyRMinter Funny you should ask. Somebody told me that the Bible says "He who finds a wife finds a good thing" but said nothing about she who finds a husband. So I decided, for the most part, to stop looking except for times of crisis (death of a parent, marriage of a close friend) when I feared I might be alone if I didn't find a mate. God provides our needs, does He not? If I needed a spouse, He would have provided one.
Thanks for this video.
I just beg to differ when it comes to gray-asexuality and demisexuality: These categories are not just close to asexuality (depends on the individual though whether they define themselves closer to asexuality or closer to allosexuality or none of the above), but part of the asexual spectrum and, as far as I am informed, part of the reason why it is called a spectrum ;-)
You bring up a really good point. I'll be doing an updated version of this video. Originally, I took the info from an interview I did with someone, but a number of viewers like you have definitely pushed back against the definition I posted (and with good reason!). Thank you for commenting, and for watching! 💚💚💚
@@KellyRMinter I would love to see a video on this. As an ace person, I'm still trying to understand the differences mmyself. I kinda assumed there are 4 orientations, straight, gay, bi/pan, and ace. of those, there are 3 spectrums of attraction, straight to ace, gay to ace, and bi/pan to ace. Demi and gray indicate specific conditions, situations, scenerios, etc. where you change position along the spectrum. For example, a demi straight woman would move from the ace side to the straight side once she's felt a strong emotional bond with a man.
I think the reason why demi and gray people tend to fall under the ace umbrella is because that's their default, which makes sense. The thing that complicates this is that ace is a shared part of the 3 spectrums, so you get people from all 3 who can relate to being on one side most of their life (if not all of their life).
This is my personal understanding of it so far. I've tried to find charts or graphics that breakdown the spectrums of sexuality, but it's surprisingly difficut to find! A video on this topic would be amazing.
As an ace person growing up in a Catholic environment, I assumed that everyone was asexual (although I didn't have the terminology for it) and I assumed that once you got married, the interest in sex would get "switched on". How? Idk, like ... God would do it or something...
How is a GREAT question. I'd love to ask people someone in a church this. Even when I worked in churches, I could not understand how this was supposed to happen.
How would someone know if they are asexual or if purity culture has caused them to suppress their sexuality?
Well, I am rather both of those. In my case I do very much desire sex with the fantasy of a person (woman) but because of religious trauma from Purity Culture and the abusive messages, shame, and their utilization of terror to reinforce those messages, I have never been able to attach my sexual desires or interest to any real living and breathing person because the messages I grew up with, among others, were such that to ever have a sexual thought, desire, or attraction to another person, outside of marriage, was the literal equivalent of spiritually raping that person. Yes, a mere thought, even a passing thought, makes us rapists (and worse than murderers in God’s eyes)! As a consequence, anything remotely sexual, even just platonic physical intimacy (as in simple touch, like a hug or holding hands), triggers extremely powerful and distressing emotional flashbacks from that programming and the immense fear that I am personally causing a person I may fancy irreparable harm just from having thought or felt some desire for them (which is more than enough to kill any interest as I simply shut down and dissociate). As a consequence, I have never been able to experience sexual attraction to another person and even romantic attraction is only something I can experience with close friends after considerable emotional intimacy and trust have been established! I likely would have still been on the asexual spectrum as a demisexual had I not been traumatized by Fundamentalist religion, as I am definitely a demiromantic, but because of my trauma I am essentially “functionally asexual” (or, put another way, functionally a eunuch) as I have no capacity whatsoever to express myself sexually, act with any degree of sexual intent, never felt sexual attraction to another person due to fear killing such, and I certainly have no capacity to initiate anything sexual with another person nor take the lead sexually. In any sexual act that I am a party to I am going to be emotionally and mentally detached and dissociated and so I will have no passion or emotion to express no matter what I may feel for that person as the reliving of emotional trauma and triggers from PC is simply overwhelming. If a another party forces me into a sexual situation then there is an alter (named John) to get me through that (the only way I have ever had sex is essentially nonconsentualy/forced by the woman). Unfortunately, without having any ability to act from a place of sexuality or flirt and without the ability to clearly experience or express sexual desire for another person, I have always been trapped in the so-called “friend-zone” as NO woman can even remotely imagine desiring a relationship with me, no matter how deeply I may have come to love her. In fact, if it were not for unrequited love these past 32 years (I’m 50) then I would never have experienced romantic love at all as I have a perfect rejection ratio, 100.0%, even among my closest of female friends who have always described me as the “best best-friend ever”. Unfortunately, people do not seem to be capable of recognizing romantic love that lacks the physical expression of sexuality along with it, so my love has always been misattributed to extreme kindness, rather than the romantic love it is. Sadly, seeking out a true asexual partner for a relationship isn’t ideal either as I do genuinely desire sex and a relationship that ultimately includes sex - it is just the damned trauma that has been in the way of such since it results in my sexuality being very deeply repressed since puberty out of fear and shame. Plus, there are VERY, VERY, FEW self-identified asexuals or demisexuals or gray-sexuals women in the 35-60 dating age range (for a 50 year old male)! The trap I have long been stuck in is that it is possible to heal much of the sexual trauma and ultimately repair my sexuality, but such is ONLY possible within a safe and loving romantic relationship with a patient and willing partner and collaborator willing to participate in that healing by taking things extremely slowly. Sadly, nobody has ever felt enough attraction to me to feel that sort of love and compassion for me without sexuality being part of the equation up front in the relationship, so I hold out rather little hope of ever having a romantic relationship in my lifetime unless I am willing to settle for violent or abusive partners (whom will ignore my trauma and boundaries to get what they want), which is really quite depressing. Every woman I have ever sought a relationship with has rejected me because they can not feel anything more than an extreme “like” for me as a close friend…but the idea of my being a potential lover to them tends to trigger an initial gut reaction that falls somewhere between disgust and revulsion…presumably because I feel like a brother instead. And, just to be absolutely clear, I am not suggesting that there is anything whatsoever wrong on the part of the women rejecting me (I am the common denominator after all). I suspect much the same would be equally true if the genders had all been reversed, I just do not have any personal first-hand experience with trying to date men as a woman with Purity Culture related religious trauma damage to my sexuality to speak from!
I have a great deal of anger towards both the Church and God for what they have done to so many of us through Purity Culture, literally stripping us of the right to our own innate sexuality, simply because the idea of teens and unmarried adults possessing sexuality makes the Church leaders feel “squeamish”. So they engage in non-biblical lies and campaigns of shame and terror to poison our sexuality beginning at the dawn of puberty so as to force us to forever dissociate from and permanently repress our “evil, sinful, and of-the-Devil” sexuality just so the Church can have control over our sexuality, and us, consequences be damned as the Church could care less about what harm they may cause. They truly do not care about the harm they have caused so many millions of us over more than 40 years and are more interested in alleging “unforgivable sin” in others than to ever look in the mirror themselves and face their own sins. But even those who do manage to go on to have romantic and sexual relationships, even marriage, as adults often find themselves struggling to ever form healthy romantic and sexual relationships with their partners and many get married only to discover that one, or both, partners can never consummate their marriage due to the shame and fear that Purity Culture instilled in them getting in the way and many ultimately either end up divorced multiple times or they stick it out and spend decades trying to work through each other’s deeply seated hang ups until they can finally have passionate and guilt free sex, and make love to one another for the very first time, together, 10, 20, even 30, or more, years later. The Church has already harmed TWO full generations of children (40+ years) with the evil and non-biblical nature of Purity Culture and now, rather than seeking to make amends for the sins and harm they have already caused so many of us, they are marching ever onward and forward and starting work to harm yet a THIRD generation of children! And it sickens me that a so-called “loving God” would go along with all this being done in His name and where the only persons paying for the sins of the Church are the very children the Church chose to victimize!
Caity, I would say the person should start with the work to untangle the harmful purity culture messages and then see where they stand. ❤️❤️
I remember when I was 2 or 3 my step mom would wash me down there and it burned
I think before that that someone in my neighbourhood fondled or rubbed himself on the outside of me but I was so young I don’t know if it happened or was a bad dream
I was a very awkward girl in middle school. I was developing ( like popeyes girlfriend) I didn’t want boobs, body hair or periods and I was HORRIFIED when all that happened.
When I was 13 (and the ugliest girl in my school) my step mom beat me and punctured my eardrum for holding a boy’s hand and said I looked like a Jezebel.
I didn’t want to kiss him or anything else
Not long after she convinced me that I was going to die in childbirth a very painful horrible death with a baby ripping it’s way out of m
I was a virgin and thought I got knocked up in the swimming pool
She threw me out when I was 17. With no money. No diploma no job. I had a boyfriend of 2 years and I had to move in with him. And have sex with him to have a roof over my head
It was painful. I hated it. I faked it and learned how to get him off to get it over
Years later someone kidnapped and raped me
And other relationships have cheated on me and beat me. Accusing me of having sex with other guys. To the point that not only do I not have any sexual desire, but I want to get rid of my vagina. Just have a hole to pee out of and permanently remove all my body hair and be like I was before puberty
I’m not wanting to change my mind. But I am trying to figure out what I am
I go by she/ her
I can hug and hold hands with a guy and cuddle in a non sexual way. I dont want to do that with females. Except maybe hug how I would my grandma.
I wish I was a child
What’s the term for people like me?
As gently as I can put this, the term for you is a human who had many traumatic experiences they they did not deserve and that never should have happened. I am so sorry you've been through so much.
As for a category for you, you have the right to claim any category or title you want. If it fits and feels good, it is who you are. ❤️❤️
I’m definitely demisexual and I thought everyone was like that. I cannot comprehend why people do one night stands. That is as foreign to me as Chinese. Just thinking about feels very weird. I’ve only had sex twice in my life and I didn’t like it that much. I like cuddling and foreplay much more than actual sex. And I just can’t do it with people I don’t know.
💜💜💜
The sad part is I'm attracted to a male sexually and non sexually, but they are not towards me because of my weight or whatever bs was put in their head (fat women need love too). Because of that I stopped looking for love. Oh then he's coming since you stopped looking for him, um nope he sailed away with Captain Jack Sparrow about 14+ years ago. I keep asking when will it be my time to be happy?
Oh and the purity culture is sickening and brain washing to a female. Those expectations doesn't exist now a days for many reasons.
Thank you for sharing this. I imagine it couldn't be easy. I hear you on the "when is it my turn to be happy" question. For you, does being happy require a partner? I am genuinely asking, however you answer this is absolutely ok. Just wondering. 🧡🧡
@@KellyRMinter I'm ok being alone but would love a partner (male) in my life too.
For us the question how far is too far was met with….Do you really need to go up to the line or should you stay as far away as possible. So that made, holding hands and sitting too close and for sure hugging bad for me. Evil.
YES! There was whole thing about a fence and a highway and not getting close to the "too far". Ugh. How about people just give a direct answer to a direct question? Even that "stay as far away as possible" answer is manipulative and avoidant. So frustrating.
Weird being raised in purity culture and still getting signals that compulsory sexuality once you find your long-term partner is normative. I never would have had sex or relationships for that matter if I did not get so much messaging about finding a partner, getting married, and having kids is what successful, happy adults do....as a grown adult who has not been active for years, I'm the happiest, healthiest, and most "successful" I've ever been.
I am so glad to hear you've found your happiness!! 💙💙💙
That Father's Day meme you mentioned is disgusting to me!
ugh, same! 💚
It's kinda sad but when TH-cam put this in my recommendations my first thought was oh no, is this going to be a video about how asexuality isn't real and people who identify as such are just repressed because of purity culture? Can ya tell I've come across a lot of crappy stuff about asexuality on the internet? 😅
Ugh it makes me sick that people think it's ok to demean someone's identity like that. I am sorry you've had to see that, either on behalf of you or of anyone else. Thanks for watching and giving it a chance 💜💜
2:49 I think your understanding of purity culture is expanded TOO FAR! 🤔
Its not the same thing as "traditional family roles". It is not only applied to women. It is problematic, but your expression about it is not really accurate
Also, I think a couple of your definitions and descriptions are not very accurate. 🤔
Respectfully, "Traditional family roles" IS purity culture. Where does the "tradition" come from?
Also, to clarify, I have definitely not said that it only applies to women. I made statements about men AND women in the section you tagged. I'm sorry if my expression of what purity culture is does not ring true to your experience. Feel free to pursue the numerous purity culture related videos on this channel, it will give you a broader perspective of my stance on purity culture.
this is such an interesting topic and you explained it in such a detailed but simple way, i feel like i could show this video to other people to explain myself better.
A different point of view from me: i was actually raised kinda "far" from purity culture. My parents always explained everything related to sex to me in a very straightforward manner, and i went to a low-income high school with a lot of people who sadly didn't had their parents playing an active role in their lives to explain those things, so being sexually active by the age of 14-15 was the norm. I was the one being called a "prude" and "boring" for being a virgin at 16, even my parents would question me a lot for never having a boyfriend, so when i try to hint at the idea of me being demisexual, people think i'm the one being judgemental, they think i'm trying to look "better" than them for not thinking about cheating on my partner or for being in a relationship with the same person for 11 years. I couldn't care less about how many partners a person has had, in fact, i often find myself wanting to be like them, so i could fit in, they don't understand that this is who i am, this is how i was born, i'm not trying to shame anybody, i'm just trying to share my experience (or lack there of) .
I am so glad you found this video!! Thank you for sharing your story with us ❤️❤️❤️