for all anxious attachment style people before i say anything a big hug to all of you , myself being a anxious attachment style individual it felt very hard and not normal and insane without the other person , from where we come from it can be really hard to self soothe but by doing reprogramming our subconscious by repetition through emotions we can achieve what we struggle with , i havent been cured but still trying many of videos from thais , finally , it is very hard journey for me in my life i cant imagine how you people have been feeling with this style but you been coming so far to see this video today , a big hugs to everyone out there , take care , i wish thais never stop doing this work , excellent
I struggle a lot. It's not easy for me. I get emotionally dysregulated without love. I hate it. I hate that I always feel desperate and that most of my days are just coping to get thru another day. I need a partner to keep me on track. Just thinking about the work involved is exhausting
@@merrym7174 same here. I feel the need to be loved all the time, by the girl or the person i consider to be in esteem higher than my own. It sucks and i feel like im so different than everyone else, or atleast the people ive so far claimed to like in my life. I seriously want to better myself. Its not easy being an anxious type. Because I am anxious, Im moving more and more toward the avoidant type because its easier to avoid than to bear the anxiety of being with someone or pursuing someone. Fuck this shit, Im gonna change, little by little
I've been avoiding this for a while, but, it's time to date myself and be that great fulfilling and soothing partner to myself. Thanks for sharing, best vibes.
I absolutely love her omg!!!!! She has helped me so much from my breakup. I’m an anxious/preoccupied, my ex is fearful avoidant/disorganized. I’m learning my own needs bc when someone isn’t consistent that is like paranoia to me
Your explanations are so intelligent, helpful & beautiful! I find that at some points I become flooded with the rapidity of info & wonder if Im the only one - I do pause to integrate but also think slower speech might help me. As a counselor myself I already have been introduced to the concepts & have applied them to myself & relationships so I just wanta suggest u consider if u might help folks take things in more by slowing down a little. It could just be my listening style but Id wanta hear this feedback if it were my podcast just in case. Thx for ur knowledge, caring & sharing!!
I’m 35 soon and only really started realising my attachment style after a relationship with a narcissist that lasted 5 years. I wondered why I stayed for so long and allowed to be treated so badly. I now realise I do have an anxious attachment style and I become codependent in relationships. I met someone recently and spoke to him about giving more attention and time but he had an avoidant attachment style so he broke it off as he said he couldn’t give me the amount of attention I needed. I really want to meet someone and settle without having this over me. I really do try and self help. When I’m alone I’m happy it’s when I meet someone it goes down hill
I feel like this is a silly question, but as I'm working through healing my anxious attachment style, I keep pondering what even is the purpose of a romantic relationship? For so long I have felt like a romantic relationship fills some need that I can't get elsewhere, but if that's not the case, then what purpose does it serve? I feel like I do great when I am single. I have really strong and healthy connections with my family and friends. I rarely feel the kind of anxiety in those relationships that I do in romantic ones. I can go days or weeks without talking to my family/friends and still trust that they haven't abandoned me. But it's like as soon as I start dating, I suddenly forget the self-soothing I'm capable of when romantic connection isn't on the table. So I guess I'm wondering, is being in a romantic relationship worth dealing with the anxiety? I'm so entrenched in these narratives I've built over the years that I can't even understand the point of seeking romance if it isn't to get an emotional need met. Surely it's about more than sex? I don't know. I'm kinda having an existential crisis as I'm "getting to know myself" about whether romance is even something I truly desire lol.
omg i can totally relate to your thoughts . Then what is romance for? Why this deep desire/ longing to get affection from a “romantic partner’. Maybe PAs shouldn’t date cause we’ll always be disappointed or hurt.
Me too!! I brought this up with my psychologist. Like, if I’m meant to be meeting all my own needs or most of them and a healthy relationship is two people doing this, then what connection is there? Obviously a connection based on wanting to be with each other, not needing to be with each other is ideal. But for someone used to some level of co-dependency and enmeshment in romantic relationships, this new way feels kind of empty and alone. Should also note that when not in relationship I’m super independent and high functioning solo but as soon as I’m in relationship I fall into parent /child dynamics.
Well, then you can focus on what you can give or what you can build with that person rather than what they can give you. Of course, there should still be an exchange because it’s a relationship, but I’ve come to see romance as the choice to share your life with someone else to create something greater than both of you rather than to fill an emotional gap. I think it’s even inherent in the structure itself, isn’t it? In the parent and child dynamic, the stronger person (parent) cares for the weaker (child) until they’re strong enough. In a marriage, you have a man and a woman with different gifts and talents who come together and are able to literally create new life (a baby). So this model could be applied metaphorically to other areas of that relationship.
You might have understood inter-dependence wrong. All APs overly romanticize co-dependence. Thinking about thousands of positive romantic stories in mind. But that's an unrealistic dreamland. Even two APs as a couple can not achieve each others expectations. It's those anxious dreams in APs mind that are actually negative and toxic to the relationship. All the positive stuff very well suits into a healthy and happy inter-dependence
I exactly think the same. Whats the point of romantic relationship since I am very much happy single and no anxiousness come unless I am in romantic relationship
This is great. I can see so clearly now where I have abandoned and ignored myself in my current relationship because the need to be in connection and fear of being disconnected / alone / abandoned over-rides everything else. Also interesting the idea that we need to strengthen our ego as this style ~ that seems like a very healthy but foreign idea; I’ve always tried to quash my ego and make myself ‘smaller’ around others, take up less space to get my needs met. But can see now that there’s some room for it and it’s actually necessary and healthy. :)
Thank you for this. First time I ever heard myself explained. So helpful. This could make all the difference in my life, if I can accomplish it. I am going to try. I'm so tired of being miserable. I'm so tired of needing people and not getting my needs met. It's horrible way to live. Ps. My brother just confirmed what I already felt and knew for years; nobody in my family likes me, and some hate me. This is why I have looked for others to love me for soooooo many years. I wasn't devastated by this information, but I do feel affected. I have no other choice now, than to learn to self soothe.
It’s been feeling quite difficult on how to get to know myself... I feel like I’m comfortable towards a lot but I know I do have codependency.... but I also can have difficulty saying “no” ... it’s like one side of me is saying “I don’t need a to be in a relationship” but the other side of me would love to experience a pure growing together and healing together type of relationship....
That’s so real, the time it takes to rebuild/reconnect that relationship to self once you’ve strayed or broken down the trust. That’s exactly what I did. xD Recently, was warming up so much to me. It was the best I’ve felt in a long while. But somehow fell off the wagon, turned away from and avoided me. Now it’s difficult all over again. Have to thaw the ice (again). xD exhausted. But, great news: finally makes sense why I’ve been clinging to old, painful patterns recently. Because I was trying to compensate for the disconnect to me. - FA
I’m a hardcore AP and that is because my mom put me at my grandma’s place for a year when I was 1 yr old. I have been people pleasing and put others Need before me all my life. I just can’t change that. Imagine how a 1 yr old feel when abandoned. Each breakup is devastating to me, yet I still deadly attracted to avoidant. BTW, my mom is FA, and she will never apologize for her behavior. She turns into Vulnerable Narcissists. And I’m doomed to be attracted to avoidant. Although it’s my responsibility to heal, but it’s just so so hard!
Not sure I understand as an AP it says in the video less codependent but at the end it gives an example of self soothing by a family member, what if the family member goes away or sadly passes away, this causes chaos and your back to square one. Self soothing is important but must be done from within.
Thank you so much for your videos, I have been so long in need of something like this and I really feel like someone is seeing me and my fears properly. Thank you again
Thank you so much for this video Thais🙂🤗 I have been actively trying to address my emotional needs and trying to show up for me .. But has been difficult - have to be aware and concious to do that literally 24/7 and your videos act as reminder and reinforcement 💪🏽..when I start slacking .. Please do talk more on how AA can set boundaries and cleary differentiate between a realistic/valid expectation and unrealistic one (expectation that would do more damage to AA - but where I end up thinking that 'hey I'm setting boundries for myself' and not realising if it is a 'not so sensible' one) Thank you!
@7:33 "and stick up for that person aka.". 2 things; 1)Lotsa people are foolish, lost and say that you should Not stick up for yourself! 2)funny how you said aka @Thais Gibson, nobody really says that but I always do and people commented on it. Lol.
Please teach on how to fix this. Please help. I need a lot of help with this. Lots of instruction and guidance. Actual application and how to's. Feeling desperate right now. How to survive 69 years of misery, sadness, loneliness, codependency, and more. PLEASE REPLY!
I recently took one of her online classes for personal development. And I also felt like she knew me so well lol. I told her it was like she was my best friend...a lot of the things she said and talked about were so relevant to my situation. I highly recommend her personal development classes! She is great, and the classes are well worth the money. :)
I mean, although I can’t completely answer your question, I can say that I experience that too when I feel scared about a relationship, and I know that my attachment was made in childhood. I would guess that yours is too because that intense fight flight or freeze response is biologically made to save you from danger, and as Thais said, anxious attachments from childhood are connected to your feeling of safety. So if your anxiety was that intense I wouldn’t be surprised if it was from childhood
I have an avoidant partner and I am anxiously preoccupied. I often feel anxious because he is not very expressive or affectionate. His avoidant nature makes me feel like something is wrong and it makes me stressed.
for all anxious attachment style people before i say anything
a big hug to all of you , myself being a anxious attachment style individual it felt very hard and not normal and insane without the other person , from where we come from it can be really hard to self soothe but by doing reprogramming our subconscious by repetition through emotions we can achieve what we struggle with , i havent been cured but still trying many of videos from thais , finally , it is very hard journey for me in my life i cant imagine how you people have been feeling with this style but you been coming so far to see this video today , a big hugs to everyone out there , take care , i wish thais never stop doing this work , excellent
I struggle a lot. It's not easy for me. I get emotionally dysregulated without love. I hate it. I hate that I always feel desperate and that most of my days are just coping to get thru another day. I need a partner to keep me on track. Just thinking about the work involved is exhausting
@@merrym7174 same here. I feel the need to be loved all the time, by the girl or the person i consider to be in esteem higher than my own. It sucks and i feel like im so different than everyone else, or atleast the people ive so far claimed to like in my life.
I seriously want to better myself. Its not easy being an anxious type. Because I am anxious, Im moving more and more toward the avoidant type because its easier to avoid than to bear the anxiety of being with someone or pursuing someone.
Fuck this shit, Im gonna change, little by little
I've been avoiding this for a while, but, it's time to date myself and be that great fulfilling and soothing partner to myself. Thanks for sharing, best vibes.
We can do it, dating myself and gettting to know myself better 💛
I absolutely love her omg!!!!! She has helped me so much from my breakup. I’m an anxious/preoccupied, my ex is fearful avoidant/disorganized. I’m learning my own needs bc when someone isn’t consistent that is like paranoia to me
Your explanations are so intelligent, helpful & beautiful! I find that at some points I become flooded with the rapidity of info & wonder if Im the only one - I do pause to integrate but also think slower speech might help me. As a counselor myself I already have been introduced to the concepts & have applied them to myself & relationships so I just wanta suggest u consider if u might help folks take things in more by slowing down a little. It could just be my listening style but Id wanta hear this feedback if it were my podcast just in case. Thx for ur knowledge, caring & sharing!!
I’m 35 soon and only really started realising my attachment style after a relationship with a narcissist that lasted 5 years. I wondered why I stayed for so long and allowed to be treated so badly. I now realise I do have an anxious attachment style and I become codependent in relationships. I met someone recently and spoke to him about giving more attention and time but he had an avoidant attachment style so he broke it off as he said he couldn’t give me the amount of attention I needed. I really want to meet someone and settle without having this over me. I really do try and self help. When I’m alone I’m happy it’s when I meet someone it goes down hill
im sorry to hear that Miss P.
keep your chin up, see how special you are, and know you deserve the best.
I so identify with you. I can’t understand why I’m having difficulty leaving my narc
the difference i think b/t a narc and DA is the DA can have compassion for you and a narc simply dc and just do stuff for a reaction out of you
I feel like this is a silly question, but as I'm working through healing my anxious attachment style, I keep pondering what even is the purpose of a romantic relationship? For so long I have felt like a romantic relationship fills some need that I can't get elsewhere, but if that's not the case, then what purpose does it serve? I feel like I do great when I am single. I have really strong and healthy connections with my family and friends. I rarely feel the kind of anxiety in those relationships that I do in romantic ones. I can go days or weeks without talking to my family/friends and still trust that they haven't abandoned me. But it's like as soon as I start dating, I suddenly forget the self-soothing I'm capable of when romantic connection isn't on the table. So I guess I'm wondering, is being in a romantic relationship worth dealing with the anxiety? I'm so entrenched in these narratives I've built over the years that I can't even understand the point of seeking romance if it isn't to get an emotional need met. Surely it's about more than sex? I don't know. I'm kinda having an existential crisis as I'm "getting to know myself" about whether romance is even something I truly desire lol.
omg i can totally relate to your thoughts . Then what is romance for? Why this deep desire/ longing to get affection from a “romantic partner’. Maybe PAs shouldn’t date cause we’ll always be disappointed or hurt.
Me too!! I brought this up with my psychologist. Like, if I’m meant to be meeting all my own needs or most of them and a healthy relationship is two people doing this, then what connection is there? Obviously a connection based on wanting to be with each other, not needing to be with each other is ideal. But for someone used to some level of co-dependency and enmeshment in romantic relationships, this new way feels kind of empty and alone.
Should also note that when not in relationship I’m super independent and high functioning solo but as soon as I’m in relationship I fall into parent /child dynamics.
Well, then you can focus on what you can give or what you can build with that person rather than what they can give you. Of course, there should still be an exchange because it’s a relationship, but I’ve come to see romance as the choice to share your life with someone else to create something greater than both of you rather than to fill an emotional gap.
I think it’s even inherent in the structure itself, isn’t it? In the parent and child dynamic, the stronger person (parent) cares for the weaker (child) until they’re strong enough. In a marriage, you have a man and a woman with different gifts and talents who come together and are able to literally create new life (a baby). So this model could be applied metaphorically to other areas of that relationship.
You might have understood inter-dependence wrong. All APs overly romanticize co-dependence. Thinking about thousands of positive romantic stories in mind. But that's an unrealistic dreamland. Even two APs as a couple can not achieve each others expectations. It's those anxious dreams in APs mind that are actually negative and toxic to the relationship. All the positive stuff very well suits into a healthy and happy inter-dependence
I exactly think the same. Whats the point of romantic relationship since I am very much happy single and no anxiousness come unless I am in romantic relationship
Can u talk more about building this connection with self
This is great. I can see so clearly now where I have abandoned and ignored myself in my current relationship because the need to be in connection and fear of being disconnected / alone / abandoned over-rides everything else.
Also interesting the idea that we need to strengthen our ego as this style ~ that seems like a very healthy but foreign idea; I’ve always tried to quash my ego and make myself ‘smaller’ around others, take up less space to get my needs met. But can see now that there’s some room for it and it’s actually necessary and healthy. :)
“If I don’t trust myself, I can’t get safety through myself.” Wow.
this made me wanna cry. I love you!
Thank you for this. First time I ever heard myself explained. So helpful. This could make all the difference in my life, if I can accomplish it. I am going to try. I'm so tired of being miserable. I'm so tired of needing people and not getting my needs met. It's horrible way to live. Ps. My brother just confirmed what I already felt and knew for years; nobody in my family likes me, and some hate me. This is why I have looked for others to love me for soooooo many years. I wasn't devastated by this information, but I do feel affected. I have no other choice now, than to learn to self soothe.
Your great. Thank yoi
Needed this so bad
It’s been feeling quite difficult on how to get to know myself... I feel like I’m comfortable towards a lot but I know I do have codependency.... but I also can have difficulty saying “no” ... it’s like one side of me is saying “I don’t need a to be in a relationship” but the other side of me would love to experience a pure growing together and healing together type of relationship....
So excited to bring this to therapy next week. Thank you!
I took your test May 10th I am 50% secure, 30%anxious occupied and 8% dismissive avoidant and 8% fearful avoidant.
That’s so real, the time it takes to rebuild/reconnect that relationship to self once you’ve strayed or broken down the trust. That’s exactly what I did. xD Recently, was warming up so much to me. It was the best I’ve felt in a long while. But somehow fell off the wagon, turned away from and avoided me. Now it’s difficult all over again. Have to thaw the ice (again). xD exhausted. But, great news: finally makes sense why I’ve been clinging to old, painful patterns recently. Because I was trying to compensate for the disconnect to me. - FA
This vid came just in time. Been struggling recently.
Thank you so much, you are amazing, you explain everything so well and clearly and in so much detail. You are such a gift!!! 💜 💖 ❤️
No disrespect intended, but i feel like this was a lot of explaining what an anxious person is like and not many "steps" on how to become more secure.
Basically you have to break the pattern of abandoning urself and learn how to self sooth and not be co-depend. ( thats what i got from the video)
Love love love this so much thank you you're blessing
These videos are incredibly valuable and important to me right now 🥺 thank you
I’m a hardcore AP and that is because my mom put me at my grandma’s place for a year when I was 1 yr old. I have been people pleasing and put others Need before me all my life. I just can’t change that. Imagine how a 1 yr old feel when abandoned. Each breakup is devastating to me, yet I still deadly attracted to avoidant. BTW, my mom is FA, and she will never apologize for her behavior. She turns into Vulnerable Narcissists. And I’m doomed to be attracted to avoidant. Although it’s my responsibility to heal, but it’s just so so hard!
Not sure I understand as an AP it says in the video less codependent but at the end it gives an example of self soothing by a family member, what if the family member goes away or sadly passes away, this causes chaos and your back to square one. Self soothing is important but must be done from within.
You didnt understand it correctly, she compares your relationship to yourself with your relationship to a distant family member.
Thank you so much for your videos, I have been so long in need of something like this and I really feel like someone is seeing me and my fears properly. Thank you again
Thank you so much for this video Thais🙂🤗
I have been actively trying to address my emotional needs and trying to show up for me .. But has been difficult - have to be aware and concious to do that literally 24/7 and your videos act as reminder and reinforcement 💪🏽..when I start slacking ..
Please do talk more on how AA can set boundaries and cleary differentiate between a realistic/valid expectation and unrealistic one (expectation that would do more damage to AA - but where I end up thinking that 'hey I'm setting boundries for myself' and not realising if it is a 'not so sensible' one)
Thank you!
Thank you
This was so incredibly helpful - thank you
Wowwwwww I’m done ✅ the part about boundaries
This is good. More info please 🙌🏼
Where have you been all my life
@7:33 "and stick up for that person aka.".
2 things; 1)Lotsa people are foolish, lost and say that you should Not stick up for yourself! 2)funny how you said aka @Thais Gibson, nobody really says that but I always do and people commented on it. Lol.
Please teach on how to fix this. Please help. I need a lot of help with this. Lots of instruction and guidance. Actual application and how to's. Feeling desperate right now. How to survive 69 years of misery, sadness, loneliness, codependency, and more. PLEASE REPLY!
Thank you so much ♥️♥️♥️
You're amazing!
its like you know me .. come take my money!!
I recently took one of her online classes for personal development. And I also felt like she knew me so well lol. I told her it was like she was my best friend...a lot of the things she said and talked about were so relevant to my situation. I highly recommend her personal development classes! She is great, and the classes are well worth the money. :)
Isn't that a portrait of you @Thais Gibson?
Sooo what are the steps?
❤️
😳 wow
I had an avoidant partner in which my heartbeat accelerated, I felt my body actually went into full panic mode. Is that from childhood?
I mean, although I can’t completely answer your question, I can say that I experience that too when I feel scared about a relationship, and I know that my attachment was made in childhood. I would guess that yours is too because that intense fight flight or freeze response is biologically made to save you from danger, and as Thais said, anxious attachments from childhood are connected to your feeling of safety. So if your anxiety was that intense I wouldn’t be surprised if it was from childhood
I have an avoidant partner and I am anxiously preoccupied. I often feel anxious because he is not very expressive or affectionate. His avoidant nature makes me feel like something is wrong and it makes me stressed.
@@ronjakh I feel you on that one, I’m on the same boat