6 Key Things the Secure Person Does while Dating - What You Can Learn/Adopt! (Part 2 of 2)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 9 ก.ย. 2024
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What the Secure Person Does in the Dating Stage of A Relationship
- What You Can Learn/Adopt
- 6 Key Qualities
- How to Grow in This Area
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Thank you for watching!
"A secure person dont tend to personalize."
"A secure person tends to evolve and doesn't stay stunted at different stages of growth in a relationship to the same degree"
"[Secured people] lack of expectation for others to mind-read"
"They feel they CAN communicate and they are EMPOWERED to communicate what they need and feel directly"
"Secure will not hang onto toxic/unevolving relationships"
"secure individuals view the relationship as something healthy, beautiful and I appreciate this"
"Secure can apologize and forgive more easily"
5. self-confidence
6. give room to communicate (not looking for immediate change for their needs)
7. prefer direct communication (doesn't expect others to mind read)
8. doesn't hang on toxic relationship (have strong self-identity)
9. able to see, hear, understand people in conflict
10. doesn't use relationship to fill void
11. apologize and forgive easily
I thought I missed one on the the last video but no lol
Thank you!!!!
Thank you. These have been changing my life.
I love videos like this. It seems like there's a lot of information out there on insecure and what to avoid, what to watch out for, red flags etc, but not so much info out there about what TO look for, what to strive for in yourself, and learning what healthy actually would look like.
I've been on a journey to figure out the problem I've always had with attaching to people too quickly and easily. I found out it's because these people did something to meet one of my deeply unmet needs, and my brain just went crazy for it. None of them continued to meet the needs, yet I craved it from them. From friends who were literally just being caring friends. Yet I wanted more. Then I'd get to a point where I had to cut contact because I was in too much pain wanting more from them while also feeling it was inappropriate and just...not right. I also have a huge history of ending up around emotionally unavailable people. People who aren't capable of meeting my needs, yet I'd seek it from them.
Thank you for making these videos and all that you do. I've been on my way to becoming secure I believe, though sometimes I fear what if I'm becoming avoidant or narcissistic or something, for not showing up for people like how I used to so unconditionally even when that meant draining myself. We're taught it's selfish to love yourself. And it's the real selfish people who teach that, so that you won't ever do it, so they can keep control over you... that's what I believe.
You just explain my emotions , someone meeting my needs and I get attach to them . Thinking they will meet more but eventually end up hurting you .
Yup, I'm that too
This was amazingly insightful.
Are you me? Uncanny except I never cut contact, let others do it.
Off topic: Just a little heads up on your sound quality and mic - you're actually using your microphone a little wrong. Your Blue Yeti should be spoken into the front of it, not the top. Basically just angle it backwards from how you're using it now. It's right now faced at your chest, not your mouth! I bet it'll sound better with just that little tweak alone.
I've been watching your videos for over a year and your sound quality has improved since back then, but I still think it can be better, and it could help your business too I'm sure, completely assuming you use the same mic and technique in your personal development school.
Also important - if it's not already there, setting the knob on the back to the cardioid setting (the one shaped like a heart) is the best setting for how you're using it. If you're getting popping sounds when you say certain words, that's just your breath hitting it like when you say certain words with P in it. In the audio world that's called "plosives." A quick way to fix that is you can just move the mic off to the side (still turn the front toward your mouth (not the top!)) so then your breath goes past it, but make sure you still keep the mic close enough so it's picking up you more than the room echoes! :) So basically in your case, the mic should be bending backwards for the front to face your mouth.
Very helpful advice :)
I signed up for her paid content, and it’s much better production and sound quality than her TH-cam content.
What a nice comment.
Aaah so good. That first one tho - giving someone more chances if you make an initial request for them to text more. This is so hard for me in the courting phase not to intrepret their lack of follow through as them just forgetting and needing to learn me. In that early phase i have an entire dating advice industry telling me it means they’re not interested and to bail.
The dating advice industry sucks. Lots of people. myself included, don't make our minds up about someone too early anyway so none of the "signs" i'm putting out there mean much
Intro ends at 2:50
I am loving the way you explain the different concepts. I feel more empowered in overcoming my not-so-secure attachment style thanks to your content.
Secure people hit the parenting lottery for sure.
Could you do a video on how to not beat yourself up for how you acted in past relationships?
Just try and let it go. We live 2 lives...the life we learn with, and the life we live with after. Just live a great 2nd part of your life having learned form your past experiences, without dwelling or worrying about them. You’ve got this! 💪🏻
Forgiveness. Self forgiveness at every stage we gain more and more awareness
Thank you for solving life’s rich mysteries! I apply so much of your wisdom in my relationships. Enjoy being bilingual.💕
sucha queen thank you for helping me figure out how to navigate relationships im nowhere near the finish line but your videos have impacted so much
I feel shame when showing interest in someone I like and not having the interest reciprocated. So I'm doomed to be alone forever unless someone I like pursues me which is never the case.
I hear you yet remember, rejection is gods protection! 😉
You're helping so many people.
Thank you for your service 🙏
I'll keep up with you as often as I can.
I hope you receive the funding you require in order to keep going.
Take care
I have watched so many of your short videos over the last three or so days, today was a binge! when im really committed to learning about something i go full tilt and without you I could have learned so much, so efficiently. If only the FA ive fallen for in a big way had an idea how hard ive worked to understand her feelings! I certainy cant tell her, she would trigger like a ak47! Thanks Thais, your a wonderful individual.
AK47 😂😂😂😂 Just picturing it
great advice to be around secure people. it is comforting being around them.
You are incredibly knowledgeable. Such an amazing channel thank you for passing this on for the good of humanity. All people need this 💕
That fear of forgiving is very very real to me.
Run for President! You are so deeply knowledgeable, you clearly articulate that knowledge and care in such a way that it is imparted as wisdom, in short...fantastic, thank you for sharing your wealth 🙂
What? 😂
My ex wanted me to trust him blindly right from the start. it was required for him that I trust him blindly and the way he wanted the trust to be was neve question about why he wants me to do something as he hated explaining what he is doing and why he is doing even if it meant the decision impacted both of us. Asking him the logic behind his action was like stepping on a sleeping lion's paws. He made me sign a pre-nuptial to show him that I can trust him blindly. Everything was a way to show that I trust him blindly. Anytime if I couldn't do what I said I would do, for example in anger jump to conclusions, he would personalize everything/ By the end of a relationship, if by mistake I dropped water or broke a plate by mistake out of nervousness and anxiousness, he would simply say he knows what my intentions were (as in to cause trouble) and pretended to mindread my intentions and how my brain works. He would frequently gaslight me and stonewall me when I would ask what did I do wrong, he said do not preassume things. He was avoidant which I had misread for secure as he looks self assured and I was always anxious attachment
Is it possible to be SA with a partner and fearful with another? Was very secure with my husband who passed 6 years ago and reconnected with an ex and feeling very anxious
you can become insecurely attached after a tragedy. you are going to have abandonment fears even if it was no one's fault for the loss. 💙 you can work to become secure again.
I think this is possible yes. It could be to do with the relationship with your ex - are they more avoidant? There may be some triggers for your feeling less secure that they are contributing to, or it may be from your past experiences elsewhere. Good luck, I'm sure you can have secure love again!
A book called attached by amir levine explains it. Short answer yes you can become anxious attached from a secure attachment perspectives
Hi Thais! Yaay part 2! Yes please, make more videos about the secure after the dating phase. Another request is a video about triggers/gut feelings/subconscious feelings as you mentioned on the video. How can I differentiate them? I'm an anxious preoccupied and at first with my now ex I used to be really into preventing that he would go away (even when things were going well). It turns out I realized it was because of a past experience with a guy who disappeared when all was good. I told him so and that when sth were wrong that please he let me know. At the end of the relationship I could sense sth was off but he denied it...it turned out I was right and said he hadn't told me coz he wanted to fix it by himself. I don't know how to differentiate me being paranoid or triggered by past experience or when ia it my intuition really telling me this isn't the guy for me. In this video you mentioned a point twice, when the secure comunicate his needs and boundaries. When is it enough? Please mention this in another video, I consider it super important. My ex had this strong temper and bad reaction when triggered (I'm almost sure he is a fearful avoidant coz we could took deeply about our childhood wounds and even discover ones when talking) and I told him these bad reactions were a non negotiable, he said he would work on them to not lose me and for a while he controlled himself well (for some months at the beginning) but then he had those reactions again. I understood the change couldn't be overnight and as I saw his effort and had all the positive he had into account, I continued with the relationship. Please help us to see when enough is enough (go deeper on the last point of this video). Thank you for the videos and greetings from Peru :)
I've had it so many times where people would slowly leave me when I thought all was good. I became pretty sensitive to all the excuses people come up with. "I'm busy" has to be the #1 excuse, and these kind of lies caused me to have a very hard time knowing if someone's telling the truth. I just know if it becomes an ongoing thing then I know they're lying to me. Other signs that usually go with that is If they're never initiating contact first, only reply when spoken to, never expand on conversations, and just overall it feels like an effort on your part all the time just to keep things going.
I also found out that smothering people isn't good either. But people who leave you in uncertainty are the worst. I have no place for that in my life anymore. I'm at a point where I think it's best to just be direct with people, don't chase them, and their lack of motivation is all the answer I need to see I should move on and find someone else. And the people who go hot and cold, haha, NO thank you, not playing those games anymore!
I once had a hot & cold person in my life, always busy, I'm only significant in their life when they're bored etc, I felt I was lowest priority. The hot moments sucked me in, and the cold moments hurt awfully. One day I went cold to them because I was fed up, and noticed how anxious they became, running to me like they were losing me. I knew how it felt, so I reassured them. Thought maybe we became closer from it, but nope the moment I got close with them again, they went cold again, even colder it seemed. I was done at that point, I saw it's like playing a game and I was not interested. I ended up having to leave although I didn't want to, I had to for my own sanity.
I needed to hear this. I'm exactly like that. I take the person not changing as a lack of love at the 2st sign of cooling or forgetting wt I like. Maybe I need to not taje it personally but it really feels like they r rejecting me and ignoring my needs. Like a knife cutting thru my body.
I love these videos and they come at the perfect time! I just don't feel capable of ever being a securely attached person. I'm a fearful avoidant with far too many issues to overcome.
I really liked this video because now I know what secure looks like; and THAT is my goal!☆
I like the model on relationships, but looking at it always made me feel like there was an inconsistency in the way it was taught. Like why are there 3 wrong choices and one right choice because if you look at it, it doesn't *look* logically consistent. I feel like there's a 4th attachment style and secure attachment is just a balance point in the middle of the 4, like a pyramid. Because people who feel 'secure' in their parental situation still have attachment issues, but rather than the lack that's shown in the other styles it's more of a 'too much' thing where their needs are overly met causing them to usually have issues recognizing when their other non-emotional needs need to get met, forcing a kind of over-dependancy on their family unit that inhibits their emotional growth. Kind of like anxious where they felt like they were getting love and attention, but too much of it for it to be healthy. And I feel like people like that don't get the help they need and they just go on to be people who hurt others and themselves because rather than lack, they felt enmeshment and they can't see their attachment issues with their parents because they weren't knowingly treated wrong. :/
That's a very interesting view point
The one dislike is the Dismissive Avoidant who felt called out
Eleanor Zeigl hahahahah
God bless you. Thank you so much for this great video. It’s helping me a lot
Thanks, Thais! These videos are mind-opening and, thankfully, are helping me realise I'm gaining some security in order to rein in my FA tendencies. :-D
I have learned alot from these videos but wish they were presented in a better organised way that flows in a topic group or attachment style way.
Agree with that.
Good content but in the end chaotic
Thank you! Awesome video!
Thank you Thais! Love your videos
Thais, thanks so much for all the information we get through your amazing videos!!
The more I watch the more I learn and keep on trying to heal from inside. Such helpful video this one as well.
You are doing excellent job.
The videos refering to core wounds and separation from adult needs and that for human needs and those for key signs of the securely attached person are my guidelines ! We adore PDS 💜👏👏
So valuable information. I’m becoming more secure and I understand both points of view while you explain them
This is so insightful
awesome and very helpful/insightful video!! thank you!!
This was soooo good, Thais. Wow!
I was so locked in, I didn't want it to end! :)
Thanks!
Thais could you please make the second part too? Been waiting for it eagerly❤❤
These information are life changing. Thanks so much.
Oh this is part 2. Sorry
So glad I found your channel! Can you orient me towards the anxious - avoidant relationship video?
This makes so much sense!
So helpful!
Good book👍🏿👍🏻
Bullet points would work much better for me so I get it🤣 too much rambling I'm like...what was the point again I'm.lost🤣🌻
Amazing video! Can you please explains why I might have most of these qualities when I am with the person but not without.. like on the time between dates.. Triggered or personalizing or boundaries setting between dates.. I always feel secure of getting Love it’s the Love Being taken away part I struggle with..
This makes me want to date a kind psychologist like you. You add so much value to any of your relationships.
Sosososo lifechanging
wonderful.
Sound quality needs improvement
Shukriya Orbison buy her a microphone. I can hear her just fine😊
Hi I wonder if you could make some videos taking in consideration the needs of DAs. As you say, we need simple concise instructions. I find your videos full of useful info, but also full of long tangents that make it difficult to follow... Still im a fan ive watched them all.! Tx
So if I adopt some character traits then someone will maybe adopt me?
is it possible for a secure person feel attracted by some unavailable ? like by a teacher, for example ?
Hi Thais how do we apply for a scholarship? Especially if we have two main insecure attachment styles? Many thanks in advance
I'll just go to school for a psychology degree.
im so broken
you need to link o part 1 in comment, i can find it
When you're with someone who enjoys little passive aggressive mind games...and they are only joking (that's just their personality!)
😳 no.
What are the 7 areas of life????
I feel like unconsciously I'm Fearful Avoidant but consciously I'm Securely attached. Does it make sense? Like I'm always questioning my triggers and working through them, resulting in me expressing myself in a healthy manner...
Nah dog you just healing dog ! Big ups to you
Hi... content of video is grate but can you speak a little slower, please! Thanks
You can also adjust the speed on the video. Upper right corner, the 3 dots :)
❤
are you from canada, thais? asking because of the way you pronounce "process" :D
I wish I was a dismissive.
no u don't they're dead on the inside
@@TheBakingGirlShow I'm pretty dead on the inside.
It does seem so much easier doesn't it
I say this all the time lol
You talk so fast..i hardly understand especially English is not my first language