i'm beginning to use my time in no contact to really work on myself. instead of trying to justify and rationalize all the reasons my partner left, its a better use of my time to focus on my own attachment issues. your videos have been super helpful for me in taking my first steps to recognize my harmful behaviors. everything in this video made it click as to why i have these tendencies and it feels like i've just had a breakthrough. thank you!
I feel the same way. My partner just broke up with me yesterday and i recognize that I failed to meet his needs (being respected when we speak rather than me getting activated, defensive, and yelling) because I was so preoccupied with being on auto pilot and letting life happen to me. while I continue to pray that he has a change of heart, I also have to stop feeding into these patterns because i don't want this to become all of my relationships (romantic or not)
I'm a strong FA with a DA lean, but this was immensely helpful because I have very strong abandonment wounds. You hit the nail on the head with what a visceral sensation it is to feel, even as an adult, that I'm going to be abandoned. It extends beyond my romantic relationships. Close friends can trigger this in me too. It is so hard to relax and just enjoy closeness when I feel like I'm constantly having to be on the look out because I assume everyone will leave. Thank you for your work, Thais
“When someone pulls away” that phrase is so shattering. But, I will say, since following you and attending PDS, I’ve been able to step back a bit & view myself in-process. I still feel the feels, but I’m getting better. Just want to say thank you, Thais & PDS team. 🙏🏽
I’ve always struggled with admitting I have a fear of abandonment, because I was sure if it was really true, but once you said “perceived abandonment” it really, really hit home. Now it’s all makes sense
This almost took my breath away, made SUCH sense. My Lord, I become so scared to loose people that logically I know I don't want a relationship with, but once I feel they want to leave I freak out, which means it's bc I feel my needs won't be met. Never knew this and never understood why I want someone I didn't want
Same 🫤 However, I (AP) feel like a rollercoaster bc I have learned about attachment styles, been learning to set healthy boundaries and even had some recent practice lol. Yet still, after a one year relationship (the first one after my marriage of 13 years) just ended a month ago, but knew wasnt right for me for about 6 months... I'm left still yearning for the "good times" and the thought him (FA/DA) moving on is hurting more than me actually wanting to be with him. Guess maybe hanging on to some hope he will change (on his own) as I had expressed so many times how important emotional intimacy is to me and prioritizing relationship, but he couldn't have those conversations. I love him very much, but have a much better understanding of my own needs now. Just wish the horrible gnawing feeling in my gut sometimes would just go away. I know I need to focus on healing myself. Think I'm in like a sort of greiving stage at moment but trying to snap out of it. (((Hugs)))
My dad passed when I was 8. My mom was so overwhelmed raising 5 kids I know it made my lean toward anxious. I never felt anything but secure in my adult relationships until my wife got really confused because she has repressed memories of a past traumatic relationship so she became numb and thought it was us. Now she is working on herself in therapy and I’m working to understand her attachment style FA and working on mine Anxiously Preoccupied.
I need to come back to PDS. My anxious attachment is really holding me back in life. I thought I had done work on this, and I was moving toward being secure. I'm heartbroken. I hate feeling this way.
Thank you Thais I'm an AP currently in therapy and going through a FA discard. Your videos are helping me heal tremendously in between my therapy sessions. These are life changing ideas and strategies and im very grateful to have come across your channel
Literally never have had an anxious attachment style up until I met a dismissive avoidant. Which I just learned all about attachment styles. Looking back I have always been ver secure style in my past relationships. Don’t think I have ever engaged with a Da. Did it trigger something? Since learning and reading about styles I have gone back to a more secure. But the Damage was already done. She does not want to date any longer. I now know what to look for in the future. I am a very confident person with any and all current and past relationships with friends and other. Just this one did something weird to me lol! Thanks for all the videos!
Hi- I think you’re experiencing something common. If you’re with someone who is wildly inconsistent and not really available; not right for you- it causes a lot of distress no matter how secure you are. I think secure people however, are a lot more likely to see this, honor their needs, and cut ties sooner than later with a partner like this.
Yess! This can definitely happen. The inconsistent patterning in a dismissive avoidant can wake up some anxious preoccupied tendencies. I think it means that some healing work you didn’t know you had just got uncovered. When that happens to me I always take a moment and regroup. At first I’m annoyed at the person for causing me pain. But then I remember that they pushed a button I didn’t know I had. Another chance to become more healed 🤗
Definitely agree I’m like am I going crazy?! It’s uncomfortable & embarrassing & emotionally draining. I’m apologizing alll the time & taking the blame for things he’s doing it’s the craziest experience ever lol. I do have abandonment issues & I’ve explained that…. I have to just walk away from this situation lol
What’s helpful for me when talking to my partner about stuff that isn’t acceptable that they’re doing is to think about in terms of my needs within a romantic relationship. That makes everything feel simpler. Especially if they have a tendency to gaslight or talk circles around you. Just keep coming back to what you know is a normal healthy dynamic and don’t let them make you feel crazy. I had to really be assertive with my current partner. His tendency is to deflect and get defensive. But just keep returning to what you know to be true for you. And don’t settle for something less
Thank you. I've struggled with so much anxiety in my relationships and finding these videos have been so helpful in not feeling that something that can not be fixed is wrong with ME or THEM. Now, I see that much of the issues have been the clash between Attachment styles. I am working through your paid program to help myself become more secure within myself and my relationships with others.
I was repeatedly abandoned by both my parents as a child. Literally. My dad would leave for years at a time. My mom would disappear(leaving me all alone) and then reappear when i finally accepted she was gone. Both of my parents abandoned me at a family shelter in another state when i was 17. I only recently realized that when i don't here back from people when I expect to, I panic and fear that I will never hear from them again. My aunt recently blocked me because I would ask for reassurrance that she was going to follow thru with her promises. Which feels like abandonment. She won't even talk to me so that I can apologize. I've been abandoned by multiple mentors after I calmed down, felt secure, and expected them to stay. It hurts. How do u stop fearing abandonment when it keeps happening when u least expect it? How?
It sounds like maybe you’re unconsciously pushing people away. Like you’re expecting people to let you down, asking for the reassurance, and then accidentally creating the situation you’re trying to avoid. Like with you aunt? Not saying it’s your fault or anything negative like that, but it happens to everyone. You can, without meaning to, push people away because of your expectation that they will abandon you. Like saying something needy, lashing out, being bitchy, all reactions to perceived abandonment. Take a bit of space in the moment before you react.
It may help if you watch the video again, look at the transcript and take notes. It talks about getting your sense of self and security from within and ways to do that. Also advises to question the story you tell yourself about situations (with people) and don’t ruminate worst case scenario as this leads to nervous system and emotional dysregulation and behaviors that may inadvertently push people away. May God bring you peace and healing 💟✝️☮️
How can I tell the difference between my actual needs or what my FA anxiety is freaking out and demanding? What are my ligitimate needs and which are my FA co-dependant demands???
Ever since my DA ex and I broke up and I start dating again, i’m really trying to find out my needs: like what do I actually want in the dating phase and after that in a relationship? I have no clue honestly because I have always been so driven to avoid (perceived) distance. I’m now dating a relatively secure guy and I feel more room to explore this because I don’t have to chase all the time. But damn finding out my needs is hard as shit 😂
Is it healthy to just leave a relationship when my anxious attachment is triggered? I feel like if i become triggered it means im probably dealing with someone who is avoidant. Most recently i just walked away from it even though it hurt so much psychologically. It took a lot of willpower to just take the pain of it all and keep walking away but i figured it will probably hurt even more if i stay longer… will secure people trigger me too? Also i hate the feeling of loneliness, and idk how to function completely on my own. I get so sad and anxious, but i want to learn how to be okay with just being by myself
Great video! If you could though - Please add “ventral” in front of parasympathetic whenever you talk about vagus nerves and the rest and digest state - the freeze state is also parasympathetic (dorsal) and people might get confused
@@erichaberman3812 Nik M 1 second ago @Eric DoesIt The vids on this channel, PDS courses & preparing to walk away if they aren't a willing partner. My, nor anyone's cross section of experience with DA's doesn't compare to the volume of couples Thais has counseled to inform the basis for her work on navigating relationships with DA's or otherwise, period.
My Fear of Abandonment drove Co-dependent behavior with a FA for 3.5 years before break up. 18 months later and I can’t stop ruminating on her. I’m miserable.
Having all these accurate point as a guy I feel like a puss no wonder women always use me n treat me badly or have a nice tone but their action don’t mean what they say and end up throwing me away.
My mom left when I was 5 and I lived with dad .. I used to dry heave with such sadness .. today I’m petrified of her ..FA when things feel unsafe, then I am AP but the flip flopping kind from an FA perspective .. I remember her leaving for the first time at 4 yrs of age
@@lisa4cohen I was 7 when my parents split. I knew my Dad was likely never going to come "home" ever again, I felt very alone & abandoned in this world without him...and it is in fact extremely devastating. Kids always know deep down, and it's why we turn into AP's. Many tears were shed...there was so much heartache. I'm so sorry for what you went through as well! 💜
She still talks exactly the same and TH-cam will allow you to change the speech speed. No point trying to get her to change her cadence for you because you don’t know how to adjust the speed.
![[LIVE] : ONE ลุมพินี 85 | คู่เอก "ยอดเหล็กเพชร vs ผึ้งหลวง"](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Qq_19bnnxEo/mqdefault.jpg)
![[Part 1] ทารกน้อยถูกทิ้ง👶 หญิงชราเก็บขวดขายเลี้ยงดูเขาจนโต #โลกการละคร](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/nPTDvFCExks/mqdefault.jpg)
i'm beginning to use my time in no contact to really work on myself. instead of trying to justify and rationalize all the reasons my partner left, its a better use of my time to focus on my own attachment issues. your videos have been super helpful for me in taking my first steps to recognize my harmful behaviors. everything in this video made it click as to why i have these tendencies and it feels like i've just had a breakthrough. thank you!
I feel the same way. My partner just broke up with me yesterday and i recognize that I failed to meet his needs (being respected when we speak rather than me getting activated, defensive, and yelling) because I was so preoccupied with being on auto pilot and letting life happen to me. while I continue to pray that he has a change of heart, I also have to stop feeding into these patterns because i don't want this to become all of my relationships (romantic or not)
I'm a strong FA with a DA lean, but this was immensely helpful because I have very strong abandonment wounds. You hit the nail on the head with what a visceral sensation it is to feel, even as an adult, that I'm going to be abandoned. It extends beyond my romantic relationships. Close friends can trigger this in me too. It is so hard to relax and just enjoy closeness when I feel like I'm constantly having to be on the look out because I assume everyone will leave. Thank you for your work, Thais
Omg this is so me and it is terrible living like this! Always anxious and preoccupied can't even sleep no more... it's hell
Yes! And good luck trying to read a book or follow a TV show as a moment of distraction😢
“When someone pulls away” that phrase is so shattering. But, I will say, since following you and attending PDS, I’ve been able to step back a bit & view myself in-process. I still feel the feels, but I’m getting better.
Just want to say thank you, Thais & PDS team. 🙏🏽
You're welcome!! ❤❤
I’ve always struggled with admitting I have a fear of abandonment, because I was sure if it was really true, but once you said “perceived abandonment” it really, really hit home. Now it’s all makes sense
This almost took my breath away, made SUCH sense. My Lord, I become so scared to loose people that logically I know I don't want a relationship with, but once I feel they want to leave I freak out, which means it's bc I feel my needs won't be met. Never knew this and never understood why I want someone I didn't want
Same girl same. Like why am I freaking out knowing I don’t want him anyway 😂 Lord help us
Ooh this is so comforting to hear I am not alone ❤️
Same 🫤 However, I (AP) feel like a rollercoaster bc I have learned about attachment styles, been learning to set healthy boundaries and even had some recent practice lol. Yet still, after a one year relationship (the first one after my marriage of 13 years) just ended a month ago, but knew wasnt right for me for about 6 months... I'm left still yearning for the "good times" and the thought him (FA/DA) moving on is hurting more than me actually wanting to be with him. Guess maybe hanging on to some hope he will change (on his own) as I had expressed so many times how important emotional intimacy is to me and prioritizing relationship, but he couldn't have those conversations. I love him very much, but have a much better understanding of my own needs now. Just wish the horrible gnawing feeling in my gut sometimes would just go away. I know I need to focus on healing myself. Think I'm in like a sort of greiving stage at moment but trying to snap out of it. (((Hugs)))
My dad passed when I was 8. My mom was so overwhelmed raising 5 kids I know it made my lean toward anxious. I never felt anything but secure in my adult relationships until my wife got really confused because she has repressed memories of a past traumatic relationship so she became numb and thought it was us. Now she is working on herself in therapy and I’m working to understand her attachment style FA and working on mine Anxiously Preoccupied.
Thais has amazing tools to reprogram attachment styles!!
I need to come back to PDS. My anxious attachment is really holding me back in life. I thought I had done work on this, and I was moving toward being secure. I'm heartbroken. I hate feeling this way.
Thank you so much, I had a lot of girl problems and this really connected a lot of dots in my head.
Thank you Thais I'm an AP currently in therapy and going through a FA discard. Your videos are helping me heal tremendously in between my therapy sessions. These are life changing ideas and strategies and im very grateful to have come across your channel
Sigh I’m working on everything you mentioned. Especially the people pleasing. I will get the course, I can be better.
Thank you so much.
This is the single most helpful video on this topic that I have come across, thank you so much!
Literally never have had an anxious attachment style up until I met a dismissive avoidant. Which I just learned all about attachment styles. Looking back I have always been ver secure style in my past relationships. Don’t think I have ever engaged with a Da. Did it trigger something? Since learning and reading about styles I have gone back to a more secure. But the Damage was already done. She does not want to date any longer. I now know what to look for in the future. I am a very confident person with any and all current and past relationships with friends and other. Just this one did something weird to me lol! Thanks for all the videos!
Hi- I think you’re experiencing something common. If you’re with someone who is wildly inconsistent and not really available; not right for you- it causes a lot of distress no matter how secure you are. I think secure people however, are a lot more likely to see this, honor their needs, and cut ties sooner than later with a partner like this.
Yess! This can definitely happen. The inconsistent patterning in a dismissive avoidant can wake up some anxious preoccupied tendencies. I think it means that some healing work you didn’t know you had just got uncovered. When that happens to me I always take a moment and regroup. At first I’m annoyed at the person for causing me pain. But then I remember that they pushed a button I didn’t know I had. Another chance to become more healed 🤗
Definitely agree I’m like am I going crazy?! It’s uncomfortable & embarrassing & emotionally draining. I’m apologizing alll the time & taking the blame for things he’s doing it’s the craziest experience ever lol. I do have abandonment issues & I’ve explained that…. I have to just walk away from this situation lol
What’s helpful for me when talking to my partner about stuff that isn’t acceptable that they’re doing is to think about in terms of my needs within a romantic relationship. That makes everything feel simpler. Especially if they have a tendency to gaslight or talk circles around you. Just keep coming back to what you know is a normal healthy dynamic and don’t let them make you feel crazy. I had to really be assertive with my current partner. His tendency is to deflect and get defensive. But just keep returning to what you know to be true for you. And don’t settle for something less
Love this!
@@sabrinarose6642
Thank you. I've struggled with so much anxiety in my relationships and finding these videos have been so helpful in not feeling that something that can not be fixed is wrong with ME or THEM. Now, I see that much of the issues have been the clash between Attachment styles. I am working through your paid program to help myself become more secure within myself and my relationships with others.
Just in time! This is what I need keep it up Thais!
I never knew about attachment styles until i saw a reel and then i realized i had anxious attachment
Amazing content and so helpful
This is incredibly helpful. Thank you so much.
Omg, this resonates a lot! Thank you
I was repeatedly abandoned by both my parents as a child. Literally. My dad would leave for years at a time. My mom would disappear(leaving me all alone) and then reappear when i finally accepted she was gone. Both of my parents abandoned me at a family shelter in another state when i was 17. I only recently realized that when i don't here back from people when I expect to, I panic and fear that I will never hear from them again. My aunt recently blocked me because I would ask for reassurrance that she was going to follow thru with her promises. Which feels like abandonment. She won't even talk to me so that I can apologize. I've been abandoned by multiple mentors after I calmed down, felt secure, and expected them to stay. It hurts. How do u stop fearing abandonment when it keeps happening when u least expect it? How?
It sounds like maybe you’re unconsciously pushing people away. Like you’re expecting people to let you down, asking for the reassurance, and then accidentally creating the situation you’re trying to avoid. Like with you aunt? Not saying it’s your fault or anything negative like that, but it happens to everyone. You can, without meaning to, push people away because of your expectation that they will abandon you. Like saying something needy, lashing out, being bitchy, all reactions to perceived abandonment. Take a bit of space in the moment before you react.
It may help if you watch the video again, look at the transcript and take notes. It talks about getting your sense of self and security from within and ways to do that. Also advises to question the story you tell yourself about situations (with people) and don’t ruminate worst case scenario as this leads to nervous system and emotional dysregulation and behaviors that may inadvertently push people away. May God bring you peace and healing 💟✝️☮️
Well explained as always !
Thanks for another great, healing video!
Thank you. This is so helpful. I want to check out the courses. You do a wonderful job explaining.
I’d like to know how the loss of a relative impacts the attachment styles.
This is so good Thais!!!
How can I tell the difference between my actual needs or what my FA anxiety is freaking out and demanding? What are my ligitimate needs and which are my FA co-dependant demands???
She has a video on this very topic. Just type in Personal Development School core needs versus needs from wounds
Ever since my DA ex and I broke up and I start dating again, i’m really trying to find out my needs: like what do I actually want in the dating phase and after that in a relationship? I have no clue honestly because I have always been so driven to avoid (perceived) distance. I’m now dating a relatively secure guy and I feel more room to explore this because I don’t have to chase all the time. But damn finding out my needs is hard as shit 😂
Thank you Thais
Is it healthy to just leave a relationship when my anxious attachment is triggered? I feel like if i become triggered it means im probably dealing with someone who is avoidant. Most recently i just walked away from it even though it hurt so much psychologically. It took a lot of willpower to just take the pain of it all and keep walking away but i figured it will probably hurt even more if i stay longer… will secure people trigger me too?
Also i hate the feeling of loneliness, and idk how to function completely on my own. I get so sad and anxious, but i want to learn how to be okay with just being by myself
what books do you recommend?
How do I regulate my nervous system, plz would love more advice & guidance on it plz 🙏🏼🙏🏼
I tried EMDR, medication
So helpful
I know I am anxious attachment, but I am working on it. It is so hard and heartbreaking.
Great video! If you could though - Please add “ventral” in front of parasympathetic whenever you talk about vagus nerves and the rest and digest state - the freeze state is also parasympathetic (dorsal) and people might get confused
holy fck this helped me sm
How AP’s can help DA’s understand them.
@@erichaberman3812
Nik M
1 second ago
@Eric DoesIt The vids on this channel, PDS courses & preparing to walk away if they aren't a willing partner. My, nor anyone's cross section of experience with DA's doesn't compare to the volume of couples Thais has counseled to inform the basis for her work on navigating relationships with DA's or otherwise, period.
My Fear of Abandonment drove Co-dependent behavior with a FA for 3.5 years before break up. 18 months later and I can’t stop ruminating on her. I’m miserable.
❤
Any thoughts on retroactive jealousy between a AP male and DA wife?
Having all these accurate point as a guy I feel like a puss no wonder women always use me n treat me badly or have a nice tone but their action don’t mean what they say and end up throwing me away.
❤️🥂
😭💜
What a babe
Love your work but your vocal fry is extremely hard to listen to
I love you Thais, but I don't think that a child would perceive emotional abandonment at a certain age.
Of course they don't. That's why it carries over into our adult lives and that's when we can be aware of it and fix it thanks to Thais.
My mom left when I was 5 and I lived with dad .. I used to dry heave with such sadness .. today I’m petrified of her ..FA when things feel unsafe, then I am AP but the flip flopping kind from an FA perspective .. I remember her leaving for the first time at 4 yrs of age
@@lisa4cohen omg that is sooooo 😭
Also, what I meant was that they don't perceive it at a certain age, it is actual abandonment.
@@lisa4cohen I was 7 when my parents split. I knew my Dad was likely never going to come "home" ever again, I felt very alone & abandoned in this world without him...and it is in fact extremely devastating. Kids always know deep down, and it's why we turn into AP's. Many tears were shed...there was so much heartache. I'm so sorry for what you went through as well! 💜
@@Jamy528 awwww sooo sad! 😭
Yay for slowing down your speech... early on, you were on 2x speed, naturally..
love you!
She still talks exactly the same and TH-cam will allow you to change the speech speed. No point trying to get her to change her cadence for you because you don’t know how to adjust the speed.