I have NEVER in my life picked up the signal that someone is interested in me. A person would literally need to say "I really like you romantically" or it will go entirely over the top of my head 😂
Same here. Anytime I have had a girlfriend they had to tell me they liked me. My first girlfriend actually told me to ask her out. I had a friend who I hung out with all the time, had a great connection with, and she even LICKED me sometimes, but I always figured it was just her way of joking around. We never dated, and I felt so dense thinking about it later. 😆
Add me. NO idea. I have the additional problem of misinterpreting 'friendliness' or just being nice as romantic interest, Got that wrong so many times.
Not wanting to risk losing friendships to pursue crushes is something I struggle with a lot. The way I see it, the only difference between close friends and a romantic relationship is whether or not there is sexual compatibility there. I simply can not understand the concept of throwing away an otherwise perfectly good friendship just because one party expressed unrequited sexual interest, but I've been around long enough to know that's what usually happens.
I guess I am lucky. I am in my 3rd relationship but am still friends with my 2 former partners. I was friends first with all 3. Also there was years time in between so that could be why.
I am not autistic (not diagnosed at least) but I've always had the same struggle. I think about how my relationships with my old friendcrushes are now after choosing not to pursue romantic relationships with them and I suspect the relationships may have gone the same way. For example, the times when I did pursue relationships at the cost of great friendships, roughly half have gone on to remain good friends and the other half have faded out of my life - much the same as the friendships with the crushes I never pursued. It makes me think that sometimes you should just give it a go anyway. _Tis better to have loved and lost than never loved at all_
A good friend of mine whom I find quite attractive offered me sex a few years ago. I was a kissless virgin then and still am. I declined, not wanting to damage the friendship. Ironically, we’ve drifted apart considerable since 😢. Sometimes I regret not saying yes. I have Asperger’s and am still a kissless virgin.
Being asexual makes it a lot more difficult for an autistic person to tell what a romantic or platonic relationship is. I’m pretty glad I figured out that I’m gay from a young age.
I'm the opposite, I've been on the receiving end of this, but I don't understand why people prefer sexual relationships with people they have no connection with, maybe it's because I'm aro and have no idea about what romantic attraction even feels like, but the idea you have your friends, you have your romantic partners, and never the twain shall meet always seemed odd. To me, if the friendship's strong, it'll be just fine if there's no sexual compatibility. no different from if your friend doesn't like your cooking, it might hurt and make things awkward but there's still a solid friendship regardless. I just see a relationship as a close friendship with sexual attraction. It wasn't until I was in high school that I realized "let's just be friends" is a euphemism for "let's end all association with each other".
Even though you were both uncomfortable talking about this topic, I really appreciate it. There's not a lot of information about autism and sexuality, and even less in regards to women on the spectrum. This video has been very validating and reassuring, so thanks.
Icarus101 yes, there’s not a lot of autism specific information in this video, but it’s the most I’ve been able to find that isn’t targeted at parents of children with autism. It’s helpful to hear about personal experiences even though the video isn’t full of facts and figures.
There are many things that people on the spectrum struggle with that NTs also struggle with. NTs struggle with bad breath and touching but not nearly to the extent that we can. They did mention how it impacts their relationships with others. They mentioned how it’s hard to know when they’re ready to be sexual with others. They also mentioned that they only have sex with people that can understand their way of communicating. I’m starting to wonder if you actually watched the video with an open mind or if you’re one of those people that like to go around telling everyone they’re wrong.
Icarus101 you have every right to have your opinions. I’m not trying to convince you to like the video. You’re the one who is trying to change opinions. If that is false then you wouldn’t have replied to multiple comments of people who did like the video. You asked me questions about my comment. I answered them. Now let’s remain civil and agree to disagree.
Icarus101 I apologize if you felt attacked. That was not my intention. Just because I didn’t agree with you does not mean that I was attacking you or that I didn’t take your comment seriously. Again, you asked me questions about my comment and I answered your questions. The answers were opposing what you took away from the video but that doesn’t make them any less legitimate. And again, I am not telling you that you have to like the video. I don’t care whether you do or not. I’m sorry if you feel attacked by my honesty. And no, that was not sarcasm.
When I was little I thought I was supposed to be a boy, then I thought I was a lesbian, then asexual, then bisexual...man oh man, sexuality is a tricky business.
I feel like one symptom of autism should be if someone needs to constantly experiment with different groups and identities to figure out whats going on
@@HarrietFitzgerald580 yeah my neurologist straight up said i was lying about my reported symptoms that my whole family would coroberate because his ego was to big to admit he had missdiagnosed me for years And then when we kept pressing he told me it was fucking tourettes, one of my closest friends has touretts and its night and day really sad what some doctors will do to save their ego.
This is going to be probably unnecessarily long, but I feel a lot of people with autism seem to be more ambiguous when it comes to gender and sexuality. So I'll share my experience and hope it might be insightful. I've never much cared for gender norms and played with trucks and dinosaur, dressed as Spiderman for almost a year, and used to tell my parents that I was a boy before I was born. As I got older though, I found it was way more difficult to attract boys without presenting femininity, at least visually. My hobbies were cars and wrestling, video games. So, I hung out more with boys bc they shared more interests. I hit puberty like a hydroplaning Mac truck and suddenly became interested in only one thing, as teens tend to do. Though I'm pansexual, I was in the Bible belt and wasn't physically attracted to the 3 out girls in my tiny highschool. I didn't really consider any girls a possibility... So I basically figured out how to maximise my chances of getting with boys by copying the popular girls. I went from a little emo kid to a *fairly* normal blonde highschool girl. It happened over summer and many people didn't even recognise me. I forced myself to wear jeans even though the sensation drives me insane, always wore heels, and worked out like crazy (My freshman year, I was the first girl to join the wrestling team. My senior year, I was captain and the only female state championship qualifier. So it was a bit of a special interest, but the exercise was a major perk of loving to wrestle. All the popular girls were fit and thin, so that's what I wanted to look like.) So, essentially I forced myself into being as much of a cool, pretty girl as I possibly could all so I could hook up with boys. I feel closer to being non-binary than being a woman, but being seen as a heterosexual cisgendered woman is way more easily navigated socially than being a pansexual non-gendered person. That and I like makeup, it's like an art form to me and I've been a painter since a child. Plus I once decided it was a socially necessary skill that I might as well get good at anyways. So yeah, major gender confusion and feeling like in ways I've become comfortable presenting only as a woman, but at the same time I find a lot of women completely perplexing and just am not as good at interacting and understanding with them. I don't have a lot in common with other women other than fasion and makeup (and personally it's more because men's fashion and makeup tends to be much more bland and boring.) I don't dislike women, quite the opposite, but I don't relate as closely to them. I just can't honestly identify 100% as a woman. I feel like a woman in appearance only. But yeah, it seems a lot higher percentage of autistic people are lgbtq+ and seem to discover it way later in life than the average bear. It's very interesting.
Sex became a currency to be loved or what I thought was love. My personal space was often invaded as a child, I was always told I had to accept an invasion of my space...
It is wrong for any parents to force their child to "go hug smelly grandparent" or whoever, when the child is not comfortable doing that. When a child IS comfortable and wants to hug someone, they will all by themselves. Forcing physical closeness on a child is a form of abuse. AND it teaches the child that they are not allowed to have any boundaries or personal space. Which of course, sets us up to believe that we are supposed to continue letting people get too close as we get older. It did for me. When I got older I wanted love, but I settled for sex because at least someone was hugging me. This was usually in conjunction with some form of substance use that lowered my inhibitions though. And without that substance I did not feel the attraction. I am way too old to just now be figuring this out now. I have trouble asking for what I want, because then I feel like I am being selfish. And I was trained not be be selfish and to give give give.
Recovering soul, it is not abuse to many people, it is training young how to manage humanely with other humans. Some of us, obviously, can blame more than our English heritage for making us feel uncomfortable hugging others when not in a sexual or parental situation. I even have to force myself to hug my ownchildren after they have gone through puberty. Was so easy when they were little tykes, I could snuggle all day. Once puberty began, I had a natural aversion. That is me, however. It is totally normal and easy for the rest of my family to hug, leave an arm around one another, or even pat each other on the arm or back in regular conversation. My brain almost always tries to associate that with sexuality and makes me suddenly extremely uneasy.
There is definitiely something about the way Mr Right's brain works that flicked my switch. He's logical and organized in the same way as me, I've never met anyone like him before. Our habits align so well, we both have high standards of personal hygiene (that is huge for me) yet we are respectful of each other's foibles. We met online: he liked how I looked and thought he had no chance but chanced it anyway, and I'm so glad he did for he is the sexiest and most brilliant man I've ever met. I've never been married or even engaged, but finally, at the of age 46 at the time, I knew he was the right one for me.
Ohh you make me hopeful someday I'll find someone right for me. After my bad experience it's so hard to trust there will be someone there able to relate to my oddest quirks
@@Laura.D3101 I kissed my fair share of frogs who turned into turds. It took a lot of work figuring what I was doing to attract and allow them into my life (naivety played a big part) and establishing better boundaries before things got good. Still good another year later. The right person is out there and they're looking for you too xx
This was such a relatable video. I’m in my 30s and I’ve never been in a relationship and currently identify as asexual. I remember in junior high and high school being so confused when other kids were talking about who was “hot” and who they had a crush on. I didn’t completely understand what they meant - I understood the concept I guess, but even today I don’t understand what makes someone “hot.” Like what’s the difference between that and just acknowledging that a person is attractive? Lol. But I thought something was wrong with me for the longest time.
Thank you for sharing. I grew in understanding today. My daughter has SPD and alternates between needing crushing hugs and not wanting to be touched. Really appreciate it.
I definitely resonate with this video in many ways namely the main one : spending a lifetime being out of sync with my mind and body . Not always being able to figure out how I’m feeling can be quite frustrating especially when you’re put on the spot !
Sometimes I find myself wishing for intimacy and physical contact, but when it actually happens I immediately retract and I'm like "eww no thanks 😵". And like you mentionned, in my early 20s and a bit before that, I completely threw myself into intimacy and almost because too intense with that, feeling like I craved it (or rather, thinking it was expected of me to behave this way, which I found out later) and it took me a while to realize I'm not actually comfortable with any level of physical touch or physical intimacy at all. I feel bad just sitting next to a person. Now, levels may vary, but that's how I feel at the moment. I have an easier time expressing that but I wish people were more respectful of those boundaries 😵
Smell is a really important sensory thing for me. I can tell when my husband exercised at work on his lunch break and used the showers there coz the body wash he uses is different to normal. I have a really strong fear and dread of the day when Joop discontinue his man-perfume. That will be a very difficult time for me. I always thought I was bisexual until I recently heard about pansexuality, basically falling for the person first and their gender being secondary. Either way none of this is really relevant to me personally anymore because all others became invisible to me shortly after I met my husband. Thank you for this video Ella and Ros, I appreciate your candor.
I'm the same. I use to think that I was bisexual until I heard about pansexuality. I've recently separated from a long term heterosexual monogamous relationship. I still found I used porn for the other sexual genders.
i have literally watched this once already but i just realized that Roz is wearing parasauralophus earrings, and they are AWESOME! I have trouble with breath, spit, and i get to a point where theres too much sensory imput and then all imput goes away.
This might sound a bit odd...I hate being touched by other people. I'm fine with like handshakes, and hugging my immediate family...but anyone outside that it really bothers me...especially when I live in the south where it's largely expected etiquette. Except my previous SOs. Physical contact with them were the exact opposite: It had an extremely calming effect...
I can hug, kiss and stuff, but hand touching is near impossible. I've never held my mother's hand in 45 years. Hand shaking is real hard and a cultural norm where I live.
Recently diagnosed but have known really for a long while that I was autistic. It's one of my biggest fears that i'll never be successful romantically.
My autistic partner was really direct with me from the start, which was actually more uncomfortable for me in the beginning. I was more focused on getting to know her and she wanted constant hand holding, constant hugs and cuddling, and she wanted to initiate sex earlier on than I had expected. It’s strange because before going into the situation I thought the emphasis was going to be on me to ask her what she was comfortable with, but she turned all that on it’s head. I had to make it clear to her that I wanted to take things slower than she did, and we ended up in a sort of compromise where I’d hold her hand and kiss etc. as much as she wanted, but that didn’t mean that sex was on the cards on those early days. It takes my partner a long time to be able to articulately explain her thoughts and feelings outwardly, but eventually I found out the reason she was so direct with me was because after the first few social interactions I had with her, she decided I was going to be her boyfriend, so while I was getting to know her, in her mind that was an established fact and going out with her romantically was just an escalation of that, but I wasn’t aware of that, or that she was autistic in the beginning of our relationship.
A lot of this reminds me lots of demisexuality, which is on the ace spectrum (asexuality). Look it up! I cried and cried of relief when I found out I was demisexual, it explained so much. Then two years later I get my Aspergers diagnosis and cried of relief then as well.
« You’re just very attractive in the way your brain works » is gonna be my new pick up line😏😉 No honestly, I’ve always felt like that too about people I fancy. I have autism and it’s really nice seing people that share the same peculiarities as me talk about day to day life like this. It’s making me feel understood and more confident in being allowed to not be okay with some stuff and navigate to find what it is. I don’t know if you’ll know what I mean and all but thank you both for making this video, you guys are amazing ❤️
I just turned 41 and only have been diagnosed 2 years ago. So I'm still figuring things out. But the moment she said "you're attractive in the way your brain works" I was like Yessss... That is the way it works for me too...Finally someone who verbalises what I feel. I really don't look at the physical... Couldn't care less really... Doesn't do it for me. But the way your brain works most definitely does😁
That’s what people on the spectrum say to each other on good dates (it’s obvious flirting for us). 😅. The man I’m dating now has said this to me. Only men who understand me who I end up in a relationship with have said this very thing. It’s one of the best compliments
I don't have a diagnosis but have been wondering about autism for a while... what you said about sitting in front of the tv and that being more intimate for you than hugging is SO relatable. Lovely that you can share that with each other
The whole establishing of boundaries hasn’t been a straightforward process to figure out either. I spent many years settling for less than what I deserved and not honouring my morals enough so of course within this scenario I’ve sacrificed my well being for the sake of appeasing the other person but not anymore now that I’m more aware of where to draw the lines .
I have found especially in my teenage years I was too "busy" with myself managing and coping with my own life I just couldnt have any romantic/sexual partner come in. As I am now close to getting a diagnosis I am learning more and more. People have told me before I give or a vibe of not wanting to be touched or approached by people so that could be why I'm less involved in relationships. I would like to "explore" the boundaries and potential relationship with people now I'm more aware of these things. Same thing goes for friends and the whole hugging and touching thing, learning every day what is comfortable.
i used to not have relationships too, bc i thought no one was interested (also i am told i have a "cold aura"???). but then i found out, i just don't know how flirting works (still don't know but i approach ppl differently now). maybe that info could help?
I’m the opposite, where I like being touched and the pressure of a hug. I never impose it on other people because I never know when someone needs one unless they ask. I don’t like casual hugs. Mostly just meaningful hugs. With friends, it’s a politeness thing. I always enjoy hugging my mom and of course a romantic partner.
Thank y’all for sharing!!!! I get the same way with breakups and so does my partner. We are best friends, true soulmates, and had rough lives. We both feel we’re autistic and undergoing the process for testing. We struggle some days with stimming but we understand each other perfectly. And there does need to be more about autism and sex, sensory issues and sex, mental illness and sex. It’s hard for us to maintain relationships sometimes. But the intimacy is so much better than anything else, and having true support and unconditional love while you both heal and change. ❤
Thank you so much for creating this video! So many interesting points I can relate too. And others I hadn't really thought about. I too, get attracted to the way someone's mind/brain works, and I now know how important that is to me and it's usually people who might not necessarily be autistic, but just think differently. I can also get really attracted to somebody's mind but not the person, which is really tricky, because I know I'll give the wrong signals, which isn't fair (in a scenario where said person is attracted to me). And totally yes, to not wanting to be touched or hugged and this can create such problems, as it's so difficult to understand, if you've never experienced it yourself.
The thing about not clearly understanding your own boundaries is very relatable. I think it's because my actual comfort levels with physical touch are so far outside of the realm of the normal that I've devalued my comfort in favor of having more socially acceptable boundaries. I think that's a bad thing. Thankfully I figured out I was fully ace before I really got into any bad situations, and discovering that label felt like it gave me permission to say NOPE to all of that. I guess that label established a 'this is normal for aces so it's okay' thing that I was very willing to exploit. But I'm still terrible at saying no to hugs that I don't want or other such minor things. I'm even terrible at KNOWING whether I want physical touch or not, because I've learnt that what I want is less important than what level of contact is socially acceptable, so when saying yes or no to physical touch I'm only considering 'is this socially appropriate' and not 'do I want this'.
Charming and enlightening chat. I felt moved by what the cropped hair lady said about avoiding love relationships in order to prevent the final distancing after a break up. So she would be able to enjoy the uniqueness of that person, their peculiar turn of mind for longer. But at the same time I felt a hint of longing in her voice. What It might seem a bit contrived to someone It striked me as beautifully sad. I also laughed at times. Wonderful.
It’s so nice to finally, really relate to people. Wish I’d figured it out sooner. I think you are both “demi-sexual,” like me! Many autistic folks are, I’m thinking.
You rock, girls. You're so genuine and that matters more than anything. TH-cam is full of videos where the issue is not WHAT is being said, but HOW. We need more of these where it just feels like talking with a friend. Keep it up! :)
Hi Been attracted by the title (I'm in the spectrum, diagnosed, and sexuality is on of my compulsive centers of interest), thought it was about "autism and sexuality" but more about "our personal way to deal with love affairs". It was nice, sensitive, but not much informational. More datas (for instance with existing studies about LGBT representation in the spectrum), less shame to talk about sex (what about anorgasmia ?), would have made this more useful.
I was diagnosed with Aspergers late in life. At 26 to be exact. I just turned 31. It has taken me this long to decide that I am Aro-Ace. To those that don’t know Aro stands for Aromantic and Ace is Asexual. I do have a sexual drive I just don’t find anyone sexually attractive. That would be the asexual. The aromatic is would be I have little to no interest in romance. I have tried the whole dating scene maintaining a relationship is a chore to me. I just don’t have the energy for it and a the end of the day I don’t feel any difference for them than I do for a regular friend. I also don’t handle touch well. I initiate it fine but would have a screaming fit as a child if someone touched my neck or shoulders. Letting my boyfriend touch my shoulder or hold my hand made my hair stand on end. It’s not impossible for someone like me to have a successful relationship. It just takes a lot of effort for both people involved. I have always been the first to tell someone I am a very happy introvert. I made a chore for myself to come out of my room and socialize. Otherwise I could happily shut myself away from the world and not talk to anyone until I need something. My best friend for years and I could just sit in the same room and do our own thing. I was perfectly content with that.
I'm on a run of watching these 'awkward' subject videos on this channel for eg the rejection sensitive dysphoria one and they're really good and helpful i think. I'm only just cpming to the understanding that I'm probably - ok I think 'definitely' in the autism spectrum - and this stuff is helping to make sense of things. Sex, intimacy and relationships have always been difficult to navigate and it's good to hear discussion about it. Very relatable.
I felt the same way in teens and 20s re: crediting sexuality. I was also a 2e child--Giftedness was recognized, but I was just past 50 before I realized that I am Autistic. So for years I thought "Gifted" and "Queer" accounted for my differences and marginalization. Now I'm seeing so much about my past so much more clearly. I am truly grateful for recognizing the (almost certain) dx of Austism 1 w/cPTSD, but I am sad that I did not know who I am neurologically decades before. The knowledge is making so much difference in self-understanding, self-regulation and quality of life. And the world makes more sense now.
It's tough. My husband likes affection and wants to receive and give it and for me it's just too much...especially right now with two little ones, breastfeeding both and so my personal space is non existent. Husband gets told no probably more often than is ok for a relationship to survive.
Hi, Happens to a high percentage of moms. Happened to me. I think it's biological. Primate females bringing up their little ones are not coupling, have no oestrus. Until they finish lactation, which lasts about four years. Think a lot of females still got it. That's why couples take weekends off leaving kids with grandparents. Good luck Vegan Mom. Thanks. Yana.
The not wanting to be touched is so hard. There were a few exes, one in particular, who got very upset with me over it many times. I need someone to respect me and understand that it's not an affront to them.
Yes I don't like people touching me either and the idea of sex makes me feel gross. I feel like there's something wrong with me, and i'll never be able to have a kind of romantic relationship with someone I love cuddling my cat though 🤔😻
An awesome video!! I was right there with you both. Followed you all the way and could relate with so much of it. It's taken me to be in my forties and being with my husband for 24years before I could say, no not now, to a hug. I understand why I need to say it and so does he now so this lessens the impact, sometimes. Thank you both for being willing to talk about this personal subject. It's so good to have this kind of discussion available to autistic people. I don't know how else we might get validation otherwise. 💜💜💜
It's funny when I look back, but the point at which I was able to really accept that my one long-term romantic relationship was truly dead was when I found myself desperately trying to lie because I thought that's what she wanted to hear. Not only was it a breach of self, I was also completely wrong. Big fail all round really.
Your bisexuality IS still a relevant part of your identity when you're married in a het relationship! Congrats on being married btw. I'm happily married for two years now. I'm a nonbinary woman who is pansexual and my wife is a trans lesbian. Idk why we're not supposed to act like those are important for our relationship. I don't like not being told to talk about a topic and feel like as a kid maybe I was taught that non-hetero forms of sexuality and non-cis forms of gender expression/identity were "dirty" topics you just didn't talk about but had to keep secret? Now I'm glad that even conservative family members are at least more open to discussion on the topic.
I love this topic! This was super helpful. I believe the person I love is on the spectrum and this really has helped me understand them better. Thank you for covering such a challenging topic.
So I’m a gay man who not only turned 40 last April but then got my autism diagnosis shortly after. Both huge life points. Being gay is tough in this world. People think cause it’s more accepted in the UK it’s fine now, it is not. Add into that autism it makes it all a bit of a mind fuck. I have only told a few people I am autistic and so now I have to come out all over again Also love those dinosaur earrings
My son is on the spectrum, he identifies as asexual and aromatic. I have some symptoms, but have no diagnosis. I am a transgender woman who prefers women, but I am also demisexual. Thank you for this video conversation. This is a touchy subject for everyone, and I can only imagine how difficult it may be to navigate it as an autistic person.
I struggled with figuring out my sexuality. Now I know that I am a lesbian. When I was younger I had issues with being touched and blocked everything. It took until my mid twenties for my first sexual experiences with someone I could trust completely. And still I had a lot of boundaries. Now I am much more relaxed when it comes to sex and just let things happen when I am comfortable with the person and situation. I am probably autistic, so I have to be honest 😉: Please tell Ros (Is her name written like that?) that she's incredibly beautiful. I could stare at her face for hours. 🙈😅
Oh my goodness the light touch thing, YES. Argh it's so not good! Well done brave people. I feel like I could add to this, but I understand the line and I have it too. :)
I'm autistic and was diagnosed when I was 22. I was/am a late bloomer when it comes to romantic relationships and I always camouflaged my autism naturally. So I have had to teach myself the "normal" way of existing. I "learnt" I was meant to be straight, I was meant to like boys... so I dated boys because it was what I was supposed to do. It was only a title really, I at first had a boyfriend but I didn't want to touch them, hug them, definitely not kiss them and I wasn't interested in sex at all. I ended them before anything could progress. My first proper relationship was escalated through the boyfriend wanting me to escalate. He wanted me to tell him I loved him, I told him I wasn't sure, but he pestered and I caved for because I was "supposed to". He wanted to progress our sex lives, I said wait at least a year so I'm ready, he pestered and I caved because I was "supposed to". Now, I'm thinking I'm definitely somewhere the LGBTQ+ spectrum. But I'm unsure how to be sure, what if it's just my autism or my trauma? I haven't dated since that last failure and I don't know what to do. We need more videos like this because good god do I need it. x
This was a great video as it's something that isn't talked about much but it has been a major issue for me so it's great to hear other people's experiences. Thank you.
Sexuality is such a Deep concept, and have such respect for your boundaries. You girls have even talked about friendships, relationships And touching in general. I like you girls so much (like my new idols ) I have autism to and can relate a lot with you 2. Keep it up 😘
I totally think that's how my 24 year old daughter would like her relationship to be as well. And I have read that several autistics that are married have separate bedrooms so that's a thought as well. Best wishes.
Mrs Purple you remind me of myself in my younger years as well. You're very young at heart like I am, but you're still more grown up than i am being married etc. You're at least 5 years older than me.
You two are utterly adorable! Thank you so much for this informative video! It’s so helpful for deeper understanding! ♥️ I’d love to know your zodiac sun signs!
Is it really ok for me to find out what I like at 53. ......so excited...lucky as starting new relationship with an aspie man that wants to take it very slowly...you guys are fantastic
Being autistic and aromantic makes it challenging in that I'm not romantically attracted to anyone, I chat about my special interests to "flirt" and I'm not all that physically affectionate or intimate. I'm just thankful to have an understanding boyfriend who doesn't mind that I'm a cold fish whose idea of intimacy is talking about our special interests and whose idea of a date is playing Super Smash Bros or Mario Kart. We haven't even kissed or done more than hold hands or the occasional platonic hug. For right now, our version of sexual intimacy is he might stimulate his joystick until the fire button goes off while looking at me and I might search for pearls in my oyster until I release a tidal wave of pleasure. I hope it's okay that I shared that and not too much information. I'm so grateful that he's super understanding and accommodating to my needs. I try to give him a little of what he needs, so I might leave the window open so I get cold so I instinctually siphon some of his warmth, which from his perspective (from what he told me) is just like cuddling. I know it probably hurts him on some level that his romantic interest in me is unrequited, but he knows it's not him, it's my aromanticism (I do feel a very strong platonic bond, though, like what I feel with my best friend).
My husband of 32 years is a neurotypical, and I am autistic. We have three children; both of our sons are also high functioning autism. As for 'sex,' well it's just as more intense AS everything is "coming" from the autistic individual!😅I've always liked it, so I married @18...and I still like it.. and I'm good at it; so I hope you all are just as fulfilled! For those of who do not prefer that, well; there's nothing wrong with that either! Embrace diversity & enjoy life!🤗😝😅😁🙃😗😘
Not to do with sexuality, but I had a friend who I was so relaxed with, and I commented that I really enjoyed his company because we could just sit together sometimes and not even talk, and just enjoy each others' company. He said that's what other people complained about with him! I suspect we were both autistic and didn't know it.
I can relate to much of what you ladies talked about. Lol. Thanks for your openness. Helped me understand a little better what goes on with me and why. In stressful days, I also prefer not to be touched or hugged. My husband is totally understanding. It’s a little harder with my littles because I don’t want to nudge them away and hurt their feelings. So I do try to tell them that mommy doesn’t feel good today and I’ll give them a quick hug or rub on the back. But when it comes to my husband and I, I think he’s gotten really good at checking my temperature before engaging 😂
I really loved this video ... my partner and I both have Autism and love each other immensely we don’t live together yet... it would be interesting to hear you views about “missing” people friends or partners xx
Another awesome video! It took a lot of courage to talk about this topic, so kudos! Well done! It always makes me very happy to discover people I look up to are part of the LGBTQ+ community. Also. Love your jumper. Have a wonderful afternoon Ella!
whoa. just because ella happens to be married to a man, doesn't make it a straight marriage. marriages do not have sexual orientations. if you're bi and you date a man, it doesn't make you (or your relatioship) straight, just as dating a woman doesn't mean you're gay. also if the other person wishes to not disclose their sexual orientation, that is their prerogative. I think the video was great because it created representation that is lacking.
Thank you! Unfortunately we won't always agree in this world, but I definitely think this person has handled their disagreement with what we have created with this video in a fairly unkind way.
I agree. Also as a person who is also bisexual, I hear this way too often. I am proud to be bi (as I am proud to be disabled and neurodivergent etc) but it comes with so much baggage from society (at least here in the states)
Hey Icarus, perhaps if you took your blinkers off you might be able to see the bigger picture. Seems you have a lot of time on your hands. Your comments all seem quite negative and/or pedantic.Can't wait to see what you have to say about this one….
You surprised me with your reaction to touch. I am almost certainly on the asbergers spectrum though without formal diagnosis. I crave hugs from women - even the ones I don't fancy. For me, if a woman hugs me, I tend to "imprint" on her and become attracted to her either sexually or socially or both. Maybe it's different for women with asbergers!
It's different for different people, all having Asperger's. For myself i don't like hugs or light touches by people with uncomfortable emotional vibrations or unwanted sexual attention. It makes me cringe. And i am a man. I want to feel i can trust the woman in question at first, and i don't want to sexually imprint any but the best women, having very bad experience in the past, of addiction to a psychologically abusive narcissist ex. With a woman (or man) i love and trust it is very different, i can then relax and let go of tension and pain.
I can't hug for the sake of it but most of my real hugs that I've given are with people I don't know very well but appear to be in a place where they are feeling desperately alone. Those hugs turn into real cuddles and I have never had an experience whereby someone has pulled away from me it's always been the opposite and people have collapsed in my arms. My family though 😂 we are not massive huggers (except my grandchildren) my daughter and I sometimes link arms walking down the street but if any of us are emotional we do not want to be touched at all.
I hate hugging anyone but my family. 75% of the time, I am not into hugging even my loved ones. Fully 25% of the time I enjoy the hugs now that I have a partner and young children. With my face blindness, I get hugged by "strangers" far more often than I can tolerate. I had to laugh about the "in a hug now!" Reaction that Purple Ella mentioned - completely relate.
I love you two. I suspect my bf is HFA. I can't tell him tho. I think if we knew for sure it would help with his frustration with how I express myself--empathic NT with an anxiety disorder and quality time love language. He has withdrawn from me after I tried to figure out why affection and intimacy has waned and how to get it back. I guess I overwhelmed him. I miss him and the distance hurts but I'm trying to understand. He was super affectionate in the beginning.
Well, finally heard someone describe sexual attraction the same way I feel it. Only I'm pretty sure I'm pansexual, and, while I do tend to find women more aesthetically attractive, I effectively want to sleep (or at least cuddle) with nearly all my close friends.
Very useful, thank you. Is it weird that i am autistic, but highly in need of touch ? Everybody, everything almost all the time, But specific people, I cannot touch, they almost disgust me, but they are people I kind of like, and respect. That sounds very weird. I completely get the body and mouth odor thing. Just listening to you makes me realise that it is an autistic thing, but it has always bothered me hugely. I only make the connexion now (not been dx that long - am pretty old).
Oh my you are both me....I have no filter About personal issues.... I am researching Asperger’s because I am in a new relationship with a man I am oh most 100% positive has Asperger’s and my father and brother both have Asperger’s and now because of what I’ve read and looked at which is so much more information over the last 15 years and how it presents differently in women I’m sitting here like you miss purple little overwhelmed but happy that now I get me
aaah yes this!!! (around 18 minutes in) reason im on this video is because I have just had the revelation of my what my feelings were for a freind... all my past relationships have been friends introducing us or built from drunken clubbing encounters... from talking to friends most of them knew I had feelings for her before I did... its weird... no idea where things will go as waiting til we can meet in person again to properly talk... But yeah, cheers for affirming a suspicion it isn't just me that misunderstands my own feelings too!
Found this interesting and charming. You guys are awesome! Brought home to me that sexuality is complex, multifaceted and incredibly personal. We're all different. And that's okay! ☺️👍
Oh my gosh... Growing up I struggled figuring out who I was. From high school to now I was a lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, bisexual, straight, and in college I thought I was a man for 1-2 years. Only just now at 25 have I begun to accept myself as a bisexual female who's comfortable being a tomboy
I'm constantly going in circles about my sexuality. I would find myself switching between straight, lesbian, bisexual and demisexual. Has anyone else felt the same? If so, how did you deal with it?
I'm 27 and still don't know my sexuality. I feel so frustrated and embarrassed. I should know by now. I kinda say I'm Greyasexual, but that doesn't feel 100% right but it's closest. I still can't tell if I'm straight or Bi :/ I'm only investigating if I might have ASD, but hearing about this makes me think 'Wow, is this why I've struggled so much to figure it out, and why I have trouble understanding what attraction is and what it feels like?'
I have NEVER in my life picked up the signal that someone is interested in me. A person would literally need to say "I really like you romantically" or it will go entirely over the top of my head 😂
Even then, for me, it just seems like they're doing it as a joke or out of pity
I feel you
Found mah peeps
Same here. Anytime I have had a girlfriend they had to tell me they liked me. My first girlfriend actually told me to ask her out.
I had a friend who I hung out with all the time, had a great connection with, and she even LICKED me sometimes, but I always figured it was just her way of joking around. We never dated, and I felt so dense thinking about it later. 😆
Add me. NO idea. I have the additional problem of misinterpreting 'friendliness' or just being nice as romantic interest, Got that wrong so many times.
Not wanting to risk losing friendships to pursue crushes is something I struggle with a lot.
The way I see it, the only difference between close friends and a romantic relationship is whether or not there is sexual compatibility there.
I simply can not understand the concept of throwing away an otherwise perfectly good friendship just because one party expressed unrequited sexual interest, but I've been around long enough to know that's what usually happens.
I guess I am lucky. I am in my 3rd relationship but am still friends with my 2 former partners. I was friends first with all 3. Also there was years time in between so that could be why.
I am not autistic (not diagnosed at least) but I've always had the same struggle.
I think about how my relationships with my old friendcrushes are now after choosing not to pursue romantic relationships with them and I suspect the relationships may have gone the same way. For example, the times when I did pursue relationships at the cost of great friendships, roughly half have gone on to remain good friends and the other half have faded out of my life - much the same as the friendships with the crushes I never pursued. It makes me think that sometimes you should just give it a go anyway.
_Tis better to have loved and lost than never loved at all_
A good friend of mine whom I find quite attractive offered me sex a few years ago. I was a kissless virgin then and still am. I declined, not wanting to damage the friendship. Ironically, we’ve drifted apart considerable since 😢. Sometimes I regret not saying yes. I have Asperger’s and am still a kissless virgin.
Being asexual makes it a lot more difficult for an autistic person to tell what a romantic or platonic relationship is. I’m pretty glad I figured out that I’m gay from a young age.
I'm the opposite, I've been on the receiving end of this, but I don't understand why people prefer sexual relationships with people they have no connection with, maybe it's because I'm aro and have no idea about what romantic attraction even feels like, but the idea you have your friends, you have your romantic partners, and never the twain shall meet always seemed odd. To me, if the friendship's strong, it'll be just fine if there's no sexual compatibility. no different from if your friend doesn't like your cooking, it might hurt and make things awkward but there's still a solid friendship regardless. I just see a relationship as a close friendship with sexual attraction. It wasn't until I was in high school that I realized "let's just be friends" is a euphemism for "let's end all association with each other".
Even though you were both uncomfortable talking about this topic, I really appreciate it. There's not a lot of information about autism and sexuality, and even less in regards to women on the spectrum. This video has been very validating and reassuring, so thanks.
Icarus101 yes, there’s not a lot of autism specific information in this video, but it’s the most I’ve been able to find that isn’t targeted at parents of children with autism. It’s helpful to hear about personal experiences even though the video isn’t full of facts and figures.
There are many things that people on the spectrum struggle with that NTs also struggle with. NTs struggle with bad breath and touching but not nearly to the extent that we can.
They did mention how it impacts their relationships with others. They mentioned how it’s hard to know when they’re ready to be sexual with others. They also mentioned that they only have sex with people that can understand their way of communicating.
I’m starting to wonder if you actually watched the video with an open mind or if you’re one of those people that like to go around telling everyone they’re wrong.
Icarus101 you have every right to have your opinions. I’m not trying to convince you to like the video. You’re the one who is trying to change opinions. If that is false then you wouldn’t have replied to multiple comments of people who did like the video. You asked me questions about my comment. I answered them. Now let’s remain civil and agree to disagree.
Icarus101 I apologize if you felt attacked. That was not my intention. Just because I didn’t agree with you does not mean that I was attacking you or that I didn’t take your comment seriously. Again, you asked me questions about my comment and I answered your questions. The answers were opposing what you took away from the video but that doesn’t make them any less legitimate. And again, I am not telling you that you have to like the video. I don’t care whether you do or not. I’m sorry if you feel attacked by my honesty. And no, that was not sarcasm.
❤yes thank you! I haven’t been diagnosed yet but this is all so familiar to me
When I was little I thought I was supposed to be a boy, then I thought I was a lesbian, then asexual, then bisexual...man oh man, sexuality is a tricky business.
Agreed!
I feel like one symptom of autism should be if someone needs to constantly experiment with different groups and identities to figure out whats going on
Me 100%
@@HarrietFitzgerald580 yeah my neurologist straight up said i was lying about my reported symptoms that my whole family would coroberate because his ego was to big to admit he had missdiagnosed me for years
And then when we kept pressing he told me it was fucking tourettes, one of my closest friends has touretts and its night and day really sad what some doctors will do to save their ego.
This is going to be probably unnecessarily long, but I feel a lot of people with autism seem to be more ambiguous when it comes to gender and sexuality. So I'll share my experience and hope it might be insightful.
I've never much cared for gender norms and played with trucks and dinosaur, dressed as Spiderman for almost a year, and used to tell my parents that I was a boy before I was born. As I got older though, I found it was way more difficult to attract boys without presenting femininity, at least visually. My hobbies were cars and wrestling, video games. So, I hung out more with boys bc they shared more interests.
I hit puberty like a hydroplaning Mac truck and suddenly became interested in only one thing, as teens tend to do. Though I'm pansexual, I was in the Bible belt and wasn't physically attracted to the 3 out girls in my tiny highschool. I didn't really consider any girls a possibility...
So I basically figured out how to maximise my chances of getting with boys by copying the popular girls. I went from a little emo kid to a *fairly* normal blonde highschool girl. It happened over summer and many people didn't even recognise me. I forced myself to wear jeans even though the sensation drives me insane, always wore heels, and worked out like crazy (My freshman year, I was the first girl to join the wrestling team. My senior year, I was captain and the only female state championship qualifier. So it was a bit of a special interest, but the exercise was a major perk of loving to wrestle. All the popular girls were fit and thin, so that's what I wanted to look like.)
So, essentially I forced myself into being as much of a cool, pretty girl as I possibly could all so I could hook up with boys.
I feel closer to being non-binary than being a woman, but being seen as a heterosexual cisgendered woman is way more easily navigated socially than being a pansexual non-gendered person. That and I like makeup, it's like an art form to me and I've been a painter since a child. Plus I once decided it was a socially necessary skill that I might as well get good at anyways.
So yeah, major gender confusion and feeling like in ways I've become comfortable presenting only as a woman, but at the same time I find a lot of women completely perplexing and just am not as good at interacting and understanding with them. I don't have a lot in common with other women other than fasion and makeup (and personally it's more because men's fashion and makeup tends to be much more bland and boring.) I don't dislike women, quite the opposite, but I don't relate as closely to them. I just can't honestly identify 100% as a woman. I feel like a woman in appearance only.
But yeah, it seems a lot higher percentage of autistic people are lgbtq+ and seem to discover it way later in life than the average bear. It's very interesting.
The dinosaur earrings!
Yes kept thinking that the whole video
Ladies! I am going on my own journey at 35 to figure out if I'm on this spectrum or not. Keep doing videos like this and opening up.
Same!
Sex became a currency to be loved or what I thought was love. My personal space was often invaded as a child, I was always told I had to accept an invasion of my space...
Natural Vegan Mom that’s so false! Plus, it makes them hypocrites!
It is wrong for any parents to force their child to "go hug smelly grandparent" or whoever, when the child is not comfortable doing that. When a child IS comfortable and wants to hug someone, they will all by themselves. Forcing physical closeness on a child is a form of abuse. AND it teaches the child that they are not allowed to have any boundaries or personal space. Which of course, sets us up to believe that we are supposed to continue letting people get too close as we get older. It did for me.
When I got older I wanted love, but I settled for sex because at least someone was hugging me. This was usually in conjunction with some form of substance use that lowered my inhibitions though. And without that substance I did not feel the attraction. I am way too old to just now be figuring this out now.
I have trouble asking for what I want, because then I feel like I am being selfish. And I was trained not be be selfish and to give give give.
Recovering soul, it is not abuse to many people, it is training young how to manage humanely with other humans. Some of us, obviously, can blame more than our English heritage for making us feel uncomfortable hugging others when not in a sexual or parental situation. I even have to force myself to hug my ownchildren after they have gone through puberty. Was so easy when they were little tykes, I could snuggle all day. Once puberty began, I had a natural aversion.
That is me, however. It is totally normal and easy for the rest of my family to hug, leave an arm around one another, or even pat each other on the arm or back in regular conversation.
My brain almost always tries to associate that with sexuality and makes me suddenly extremely uneasy.
I’m sorry queen me to :c
There is definitiely something about the way Mr Right's brain works that flicked my switch. He's logical and organized in the same way as me, I've never met anyone like him before. Our habits align so well, we both have high standards of personal hygiene (that is huge for me) yet we are respectful of each other's foibles. We met online: he liked how I looked and thought he had no chance but chanced it anyway, and I'm so glad he did for he is the sexiest and most brilliant man I've ever met. I've never been married or even engaged, but finally, at the of age 46 at the time, I knew he was the right one for me.
Ohh you make me hopeful someday I'll find someone right for me. After my bad experience it's so hard to trust there will be someone there able to relate to my oddest quirks
@@Laura.D3101 I kissed my fair share of frogs who turned into turds. It took a lot of work figuring what I was doing to attract and allow them into my life (naivety played a big part) and establishing better boundaries before things got good. Still good another year later. The right person is out there and they're looking for you too xx
@@Irene-gq4jr thank you so much for your words
A good match is worth waiting for!
That's a lovely story
Thank you mentioning bisexuality.
As a bisexual man, I often feel a lot of pain by those eclipsing who I am. Truly, thank you. ❤️
This was such a relatable video. I’m in my 30s and I’ve never been in a relationship and currently identify as asexual. I remember in junior high and high school being so confused when other kids were talking about who was “hot” and who they had a crush on. I didn’t completely understand what they meant - I understood the concept I guess, but even today I don’t understand what makes someone “hot.” Like what’s the difference between that and just acknowledging that a person is attractive? Lol. But I thought something was wrong with me for the longest time.
Thank you for sharing. I grew in understanding today. My daughter has SPD and alternates between needing crushing hugs and not wanting to be touched. Really appreciate it.
I definitely resonate with this video in many ways namely the main one : spending a lifetime being out of sync with my mind and body . Not always being able to figure out how I’m feeling can be quite frustrating especially when you’re put on the spot !
Sometimes I find myself wishing for intimacy and physical contact, but when it actually happens I immediately retract and I'm like "eww no thanks 😵". And like you mentionned, in my early 20s and a bit before that, I completely threw myself into intimacy and almost because too intense with that, feeling like I craved it (or rather, thinking it was expected of me to behave this way, which I found out later) and it took me a while to realize I'm not actually comfortable with any level of physical touch or physical intimacy at all. I feel bad just sitting next to a person. Now, levels may vary, but that's how I feel at the moment. I have an easier time expressing that but I wish people were more respectful of those boundaries 😵
Smell is a really important sensory thing for me. I can tell when my husband exercised at work on his lunch break and used the showers there coz the body wash he uses is different to normal. I have a really strong fear and dread of the day when Joop discontinue his man-perfume. That will be a very difficult time for me.
I always thought I was bisexual until I recently heard about pansexuality, basically falling for the person first and their gender being secondary. Either way none of this is really relevant to me personally anymore because all others became invisible to me shortly after I met my husband. Thank you for this video Ella and Ros, I appreciate your candor.
I'm the same. I use to think that I was bisexual until I heard about pansexuality.
I've recently separated from a long term heterosexual monogamous relationship. I still found I used porn for the other sexual genders.
i have literally watched this once already but i just realized that Roz is wearing parasauralophus earrings, and they are AWESOME!
I have trouble with breath, spit, and i get to a point where theres too much sensory imput and then all imput goes away.
I love hearing you call your husband Mr. Purple, sounds respectful. And reminds me of mannerisms in Pride And Prejudice.
This might sound a bit odd...I hate being touched by other people. I'm fine with like handshakes, and hugging my immediate family...but anyone outside that it really bothers me...especially when I live in the south where it's largely expected etiquette.
Except my previous SOs. Physical contact with them were the exact opposite: It had an extremely calming effect...
Juggernaut I can’t hug even my immediate family. But really enjoy any type of contact with my SO.
Same here.
Glad to know I'm not the only one!
For me I can't even hug my family, not even my mum lol
I can hug, kiss and stuff, but hand touching is near impossible. I've never held my mother's hand in 45 years.
Hand shaking is real hard and a cultural norm where I live.
Recently diagnosed but have known really for a long while that I was autistic. It's one of my biggest fears that i'll never be successful romantically.
My autistic partner was really direct with me from the start, which was actually more uncomfortable for me in the beginning.
I was more focused on getting to know her and she wanted constant hand holding, constant hugs and cuddling, and she wanted to initiate sex earlier on than I had expected. It’s strange because before going into the situation I thought the emphasis was going to be on me to ask her what she was comfortable with, but she turned all that on it’s head. I had to make it clear to her that I wanted to take things slower than she did, and we ended up in a sort of compromise where I’d hold her hand and kiss etc. as much as she wanted, but that didn’t mean that sex was on the cards on those early days.
It takes my partner a long time to be able to articulately explain her thoughts and feelings outwardly, but eventually I found out the reason she was so direct with me was because after the first few social interactions I had with her, she decided I was going to be her boyfriend, so while I was getting to know her, in her mind that was an established fact and going out with her romantically was just an escalation of that, but I wasn’t aware of that, or that she was autistic in the beginning of our relationship.
This was really interesting to me. I recognized I have similar habits. You gave me something to think about and work on. Thank you :)
I relate your gf, but I do get to have sex right away, (when I get the girl), I just get cheated on almost instantly afterwards.
Wow, this could almost be the perspective of my first boyfriend.
Same thing happened to me I'm dating autism female partner but except she didn't even think about at first until I got know her more
Lmao this is me all the way. Super direct “why haven’t you kissed me yet” like chilllll
A lot of this reminds me lots of demisexuality, which is on the ace spectrum (asexuality). Look it up! I cried and cried of relief when I found out I was demisexual, it explained so much. Then two years later I get my Aspergers diagnosis and cried of relief then as well.
« You’re just very attractive in the way your brain works » is gonna be my new pick up line😏😉 No honestly, I’ve always felt like that too about people I fancy.
I have autism and it’s really nice seing people that share the same peculiarities as me talk about day to day life like this. It’s making me feel understood and more confident in being allowed to not be okay with some stuff and navigate to find what it is.
I don’t know if you’ll know what I mean and all but thank you both for making this video, you guys are amazing ❤️
I just turned 41 and only have been diagnosed 2 years ago. So I'm still figuring things out. But the moment she said "you're attractive in the way your brain works" I was like Yessss... That is the way it works for me too...Finally someone who verbalises what I feel. I really don't look at the physical... Couldn't care less really... Doesn't do it for me. But the way your brain works most definitely does😁
That’s what people on the spectrum say to each other on good dates (it’s obvious flirting for us). 😅. The man I’m dating now has said this to me. Only men who understand me who I end up in a relationship with have said this very thing. It’s one of the best compliments
This has been the biggest compliment I’ve ever received from someone! It definitely works.
I don't have a diagnosis but have been wondering about autism for a while... what you said about sitting in front of the tv and that being more intimate for you than hugging is SO relatable. Lovely that you can share that with each other
The whole establishing of boundaries hasn’t been a straightforward process to figure out either. I spent many years settling for less than what I deserved and not honouring my morals enough so of course within this scenario I’ve sacrificed my well being for the sake of appeasing the other person but not anymore now that I’m more aware of where to draw the lines .
I have found especially in my teenage years I was too "busy" with myself managing and coping with my own life I just couldnt have any romantic/sexual partner come in. As I am now close to getting a diagnosis I am learning more and more. People have told me before I give or a vibe of not wanting to be touched or approached by people so that could be why I'm less involved in relationships. I would like to "explore" the boundaries and potential relationship with people now I'm more aware of these things. Same thing goes for friends and the whole hugging and touching thing, learning every day what is comfortable.
i used to not have relationships too, bc i thought no one was interested (also i am told i have a "cold aura"???). but then i found out, i just don't know how flirting works (still don't know but i approach ppl differently now). maybe that info could help?
I’m the opposite, where I like being touched and the pressure of a hug. I never impose it on other people because I never know when someone needs one unless they ask. I don’t like casual hugs. Mostly just meaningful hugs. With friends, it’s a politeness thing. I always enjoy hugging my mom and of course a romantic partner.
Hand holding is also more intimate than sex to me. I don’t think you should hold someone’s hand unless you love them 😅
I never hug anyone...not since I was pepper-sprayed. 😊
Thank y’all for sharing!!!! I get the same way with breakups and so does my partner. We are best friends, true soulmates, and had rough lives. We both feel we’re autistic and undergoing the process for testing. We struggle some days with stimming but we understand each other perfectly. And there does need to be more about autism and sex, sensory issues and sex, mental illness and sex. It’s hard for us to maintain relationships sometimes. But the intimacy is so much better than anything else, and having true support and unconditional love while you both heal and change. ❤
I used this video for an essay about ASD, thanks so much, this was super informative and fun to watch!
Thank you so much for creating this video! So many interesting points I can relate too. And others I hadn't really thought about. I too, get attracted to the way someone's mind/brain works, and I now know how important that is to me and it's usually people who might not necessarily be autistic, but just think differently. I can also get really attracted to somebody's mind but not the person, which is really tricky, because I know I'll give the wrong signals, which isn't fair (in a scenario where said person is attracted to me).
And totally yes, to not wanting to be touched or hugged and this can create such problems, as it's so difficult to understand, if you've never experienced it yourself.
The thing about not clearly understanding your own boundaries is very relatable. I think it's because my actual comfort levels with physical touch are so far outside of the realm of the normal that I've devalued my comfort in favor of having more socially acceptable boundaries. I think that's a bad thing.
Thankfully I figured out I was fully ace before I really got into any bad situations, and discovering that label felt like it gave me permission to say NOPE to all of that. I guess that label established a 'this is normal for aces so it's okay' thing that I was very willing to exploit.
But I'm still terrible at saying no to hugs that I don't want or other such minor things. I'm even terrible at KNOWING whether I want physical touch or not, because I've learnt that what I want is less important than what level of contact is socially acceptable, so when saying yes or no to physical touch I'm only considering 'is this socially appropriate' and not 'do I want this'.
Charming and enlightening chat. I felt moved by what the cropped hair lady said about avoiding love relationships in order to prevent the final distancing after a break up. So she would be able to enjoy the uniqueness of that person, their peculiar turn of mind for longer. But
at the same time I felt a hint of longing in her voice. What It might seem a bit contrived to someone It striked me as beautifully sad.
I also laughed at times. Wonderful.
It’s so nice to finally, really relate to people. Wish I’d figured it out sooner. I think you are both “demi-sexual,” like me! Many autistic folks are, I’m thinking.
There is not enough information like this available for us. Love love love what u guys are doing
You rock, girls. You're so genuine and that matters more than anything. TH-cam is full of videos where the issue is not WHAT is being said, but HOW. We need more of these where it just feels like talking with a friend. Keep it up! :)
Ahhh, everything said during the attraction part of this video I identified with, I never knew anyone else felt like that! I love these videos.
Oh and that goes for the oversharing things/being too open too
Very illuminating, I start to understand how I just drifted into relationships.
Hi
Been attracted by the title (I'm in the spectrum, diagnosed, and sexuality is on of my compulsive centers of interest), thought it was about "autism and sexuality" but more about "our personal way to deal with love affairs". It was nice, sensitive, but not much informational. More datas (for instance with existing studies about LGBT representation in the spectrum), less shame to talk about sex (what about anorgasmia ?), would have made this more useful.
I was diagnosed with Aspergers late in life. At 26 to be exact. I just turned 31. It has taken me this long to decide that I am Aro-Ace. To those that don’t know Aro stands for Aromantic and Ace is Asexual. I do have a sexual drive I just don’t find anyone sexually attractive. That would be the asexual. The aromatic is would be I have little to no interest in romance. I have tried the whole dating scene maintaining a relationship is a chore to me. I just don’t have the energy for it and a the end of the day I don’t feel any difference for them than I do for a regular friend. I also don’t handle touch well. I initiate it fine but would have a screaming fit as a child if someone touched my neck or shoulders. Letting my boyfriend touch my shoulder or hold my hand made my hair stand on end. It’s not impossible for someone like me to have a successful relationship. It just takes a lot of effort for both people involved. I have always been the first to tell someone I am a very happy introvert. I made a chore for myself to come out of my room and socialize. Otherwise I could happily shut myself away from the world and not talk to anyone until I need something. My best friend for years and I could just sit in the same room and do our own thing. I was perfectly content with that.
I'm on a run of watching these 'awkward' subject videos on this channel for eg the rejection sensitive dysphoria one and they're really good and helpful i think. I'm only just cpming to the understanding that I'm probably - ok I think 'definitely' in the autism spectrum - and this stuff is helping to make sense of things. Sex, intimacy and relationships have always been difficult to navigate and it's good to hear discussion about it. Very relatable.
I felt the same way in teens and 20s re: crediting sexuality. I was also a 2e child--Giftedness was recognized, but I was just past 50 before I realized that I am Autistic. So for years I thought "Gifted" and "Queer" accounted for my differences and marginalization. Now I'm seeing so much about my past so much more clearly. I am truly grateful for recognizing the (almost certain) dx of Austism 1 w/cPTSD, but I am sad that I did not know who I am neurologically decades before. The knowledge is making so much difference in self-understanding, self-regulation and quality of life. And the world makes more sense now.
It's tough. My husband likes affection and wants to receive and give it and for me it's just too much...especially right now with two little ones, breastfeeding both and so my personal space is non existent. Husband gets told no probably more often than is ok for a relationship to survive.
Hi, Happens to a high percentage of moms. Happened to me. I think it's biological. Primate females bringing up their little ones are not coupling, have no oestrus. Until they finish lactation, which lasts about four years. Think a lot of females still got it. That's why couples take weekends off leaving kids with grandparents. Good luck Vegan Mom. Thanks. Yana.
The not wanting to be touched is so hard. There were a few exes, one in particular, who got very upset with me over it many times. I need someone to respect me and understand that it's not an affront to them.
Yes I don't like people touching me either and the idea of sex makes me feel gross. I feel like there's something wrong with me, and i'll never be able to have a kind of romantic relationship with someone I love cuddling my cat though 🤔😻
Aww, you and your friend, Ros are lovely together! Ros really suits her short hair, it's very striking! 😉
“in a hug now… in a hug now… Done! Ok, good” hahahah sorry i love this so much, so relatable
Love this! Thanks for your openness - you two have a great energy together, your friendship makes me smile inside :-)
An awesome video!! I was right there with you both. Followed you all the way and could relate with so much of it. It's taken me to be in my forties and being with my husband for 24years before I could say, no not now, to a hug. I understand why I need to say it and so does he now so this lessens the impact, sometimes.
Thank you both for being willing to talk about this personal subject. It's so good to have this kind of discussion available to autistic people. I don't know how else we might get validation otherwise. 💜💜💜
Those are the best earring ever by the way! Dinosaurs are one of my special interests.
It's funny when I look back, but the point at which I was able to really accept that my one long-term romantic relationship was truly dead was when I found myself desperately trying to lie because I thought that's what she wanted to hear. Not only was it a breach of self, I was also completely wrong. Big fail all round really.
You really helped me to form words to describe my sensory issues, thank you so much
Your bisexuality IS still a relevant part of your identity when you're married in a het relationship! Congrats on being married btw. I'm happily married for two years now. I'm a nonbinary woman who is pansexual and my wife is a trans lesbian. Idk why we're not supposed to act like those are important for our relationship. I don't like not being told to talk about a topic and feel like as a kid maybe I was taught that non-hetero forms of sexuality and non-cis forms of gender expression/identity were "dirty" topics you just didn't talk about but had to keep secret? Now I'm glad that even conservative family members are at least more open to discussion on the topic.
I love this topic! This was super helpful. I believe the person I love is on the spectrum and this really has helped me understand them better. Thank you for covering such a challenging topic.
So I’m a gay man who not only turned 40 last April but then got my autism diagnosis shortly after. Both huge life points. Being gay is tough in this world. People think cause it’s more accepted in the UK it’s fine now, it is not. Add into that autism it makes it all a bit of a mind fuck. I have only told a few people I am autistic and so now I have to come out all over again
Also love those dinosaur earrings
My son is on the spectrum, he identifies as asexual and aromatic. I have some symptoms, but have no diagnosis. I am a transgender woman who prefers women, but I am also demisexual. Thank you for this video conversation. This is a touchy subject for everyone, and I can only imagine how difficult it may be to navigate it as an autistic person.
I struggled with figuring out my sexuality. Now I know that I am a lesbian. When I was younger I had issues with being touched and blocked everything. It took until my mid twenties for my first sexual experiences with someone I could trust completely. And still I had a lot of boundaries. Now I am much more relaxed when it comes to sex and just let things happen when I am comfortable with the person and situation.
I am probably autistic, so I have to be honest 😉: Please tell Ros (Is her name written like that?) that she's incredibly beautiful. I could stare at her face for hours. 🙈😅
Oh my goodness the light touch thing, YES. Argh it's so not good! Well done brave people. I feel like I could add to this, but I understand the line and I have it too. :)
Haven't been diagnosed but couldn't relate more. I was looking for a video covering this topic but from a female view so thank you for making it.🙏
Ahh, I can relate so much to over sharing with people I don't know well!! I am working on it but I still slip up.
I'm autistic and was diagnosed when I was 22. I was/am a late bloomer when it comes to romantic relationships and I always camouflaged my autism naturally. So I have had to teach myself the "normal" way of existing. I "learnt" I was meant to be straight, I was meant to like boys... so I dated boys because it was what I was supposed to do. It was only a title really, I at first had a boyfriend but I didn't want to touch them, hug them, definitely not kiss them and I wasn't interested in sex at all. I ended them before anything could progress. My first proper relationship was escalated through the boyfriend wanting me to escalate. He wanted me to tell him I loved him, I told him I wasn't sure, but he pestered and I caved for because I was "supposed to". He wanted to progress our sex lives, I said wait at least a year so I'm ready, he pestered and I caved because I was "supposed to". Now, I'm thinking I'm definitely somewhere the LGBTQ+ spectrum. But I'm unsure how to be sure, what if it's just my autism or my trauma? I haven't dated since that last failure and I don't know what to do. We need more videos like this because good god do I need it. x
This was a great video as it's something that isn't talked about much but it has been a major issue for me so it's great to hear other people's experiences. Thank you.
Sexuality is such a Deep concept, and have such respect for your boundaries.
You girls have even talked about friendships, relationships
And touching in general.
I like you girls so much
(like my new idols )
I have autism to and can relate a lot with you 2.
Keep it up 😘
The stuff you both said was very relatable! Thanks for this video :)
I would like to be married but I also want to be like 'Can we have separate houses?' Like I'm good with that.
I totally think that's how my 24 year old daughter would like her relationship to be as well. And I have read that several autistics that are married have separate bedrooms so that's a thought as well. Best wishes.
I don't think that's unreasonable--or at least separate bedrooms that your spouse has to be invited into.
Mrs Purple you remind me of myself in my younger years as well. You're very young at heart like I am, but you're still more grown up than i am being married etc. You're at least 5 years older than me.
You two are utterly adorable! Thank you so much for this informative video! It’s so helpful for deeper understanding! ♥️ I’d love to know your zodiac sun signs!
Everyone has used purity to destroy me, so I attack people who get close to me.
That's sad.
It's not often people bring up these subjects together. Thanks for doing this! :)
Asexual Autistic here, trying not to fill the stereotypes and tropes...
First video ive seen from you. Would have never guessed your age, i thought you were about my age 22.
Autistic superpower!
Is it really ok for me to find out what I like at 53. ......so excited...lucky as starting new relationship with an aspie man that wants to take it very slowly...you guys are fantastic
15mins into this and I've just realised 'Mr Purple' isn't a euphemism...
It is. It's the name of a vibrator.
Being autistic and aromantic makes it challenging in that I'm not romantically attracted to anyone, I chat about my special interests to "flirt" and I'm not all that physically affectionate or intimate. I'm just thankful to have an understanding boyfriend who doesn't mind that I'm a cold fish whose idea of intimacy is talking about our special interests and whose idea of a date is playing Super Smash Bros or Mario Kart. We haven't even kissed or done more than hold hands or the occasional platonic hug. For right now, our version of sexual intimacy is he might stimulate his joystick until the fire button goes off while looking at me and I might search for pearls in my oyster until I release a tidal wave of pleasure. I hope it's okay that I shared that and not too much information. I'm so grateful that he's super understanding and accommodating to my needs. I try to give him a little of what he needs, so I might leave the window open so I get cold so I instinctually siphon some of his warmth, which from his perspective (from what he told me) is just like cuddling. I know it probably hurts him on some level that his romantic interest in me is unrequited, but he knows it's not him, it's my aromanticism (I do feel a very strong platonic bond, though, like what I feel with my best friend).
Great I have issues with relationships thanks for the video Ella and your collage hope have a good day! ✨✨😊😊
My husband of 32 years is a neurotypical, and I am autistic. We have three children; both of our sons are also high functioning autism. As for 'sex,' well it's just as more intense AS everything is "coming" from the autistic individual!😅I've always liked it, so I married @18...and I still like it.. and I'm good at it; so I hope you all are just as fulfilled! For those of who do not prefer that, well; there's nothing wrong with that either! Embrace diversity & enjoy life!🤗😝😅😁🙃😗😘
You people are sweet, informative and wonderful!!
blaming sexuality for developmental differences is something i relate to on a spiritual level
That hug situation! Totally relate! 😂😅🙈💕
Not to do with sexuality, but I had a friend who I was so relaxed with, and I commented that I really enjoyed his company because we could just sit together sometimes and not even talk, and just enjoy each others' company. He said that's what other people complained about with him! I suspect we were both autistic and didn't know it.
I can relate to much of what you ladies talked about. Lol. Thanks for your openness. Helped me understand a little better what goes on with me and why. In stressful days, I also prefer not to be touched or hugged. My husband is totally understanding. It’s a little harder with my littles because I don’t want to nudge them away and hurt their feelings. So I do try to tell them that mommy doesn’t feel good today and I’ll give them a quick hug or rub on the back. But when it comes to my husband and I, I think he’s gotten really good at checking my temperature before engaging 😂
I really loved this video ... my partner and I both have Autism and love each other immensely we don’t live together yet... it would be interesting to hear you views about “missing” people friends or partners xx
In a hug, in a hug...! Okay, done now!
I SO get that!
This is a great conversation! I love knowing I'm not alone. I definitely hear the over sharing aspect lol.
Mr. Purple is an awesome nickname!
I love this videos! It's like hanging out with friends :)
Another awesome video! It took a lot of courage to talk about this topic, so kudos! Well done!
It always makes me very happy to discover people I look up to are part of the LGBTQ+ community. Also. Love your jumper. Have a wonderful afternoon Ella!
whoa. just because ella happens to be married to a man, doesn't make it a straight marriage. marriages do not have sexual orientations. if you're bi and you date a man, it doesn't make you (or your relatioship) straight, just as dating a woman doesn't mean you're gay. also if the other person wishes to not disclose their sexual orientation, that is their prerogative. I think the video was great because it created representation that is lacking.
Thank you! Unfortunately we won't always agree in this world, but I definitely think this person has handled their disagreement with what we have created with this video in a fairly unkind way.
I agree. Also as a person who is also bisexual, I hear this way too often. I am proud to be bi (as I am proud to be disabled and neurodivergent etc) but it comes with so much baggage from society (at least here in the states)
Hey Icarus, perhaps if you took your blinkers off you might be able to see the bigger picture. Seems you have a lot of time on your hands. Your comments all seem quite negative and/or pedantic.Can't wait to see what you have to say about this one….
DInosaur earrings make Roz even more crushable. :)
You surprised me with your reaction to touch. I am almost certainly on the asbergers spectrum though without formal diagnosis. I crave hugs from women - even the ones I don't fancy. For me, if a woman hugs me, I tend to "imprint" on her and become attracted to her either sexually or socially or both. Maybe it's different for women with asbergers!
It's different for different people, all having Asperger's. For myself i don't like hugs or light touches by people with uncomfortable emotional vibrations or unwanted sexual attention. It makes me cringe. And i am a man. I want to feel i can trust the woman in question at first, and i don't want to sexually imprint any but the best women, having very bad experience in the past, of addiction to a psychologically abusive narcissist ex. With a woman (or man) i love and trust it is very different, i can then relax and let go of tension and pain.
I can't hug for the sake of it but most of my real hugs that I've given are with people I don't know very well but appear to be in a place where they are feeling desperately alone. Those hugs turn into real cuddles and I have never had an experience whereby someone has pulled away from me it's always been the opposite and people have collapsed in my arms. My family though 😂 we are not massive huggers (except my grandchildren) my daughter and I sometimes link arms walking down the street but if any of us are emotional we do not want to be touched at all.
Im not diagnosed yet, but god did I relate to every single word in this video O.O
I hate hugging anyone but my family. 75% of the time, I am not into hugging even my loved ones. Fully 25% of the time I enjoy the hugs now that I have a partner and young children.
With my face blindness, I get hugged by "strangers" far more often than I can tolerate.
I had to laugh about the "in a hug now!" Reaction that Purple Ella mentioned - completely relate.
I love you two. I suspect my bf is HFA. I can't tell him tho. I think if we knew for sure it would help with his frustration with how I express myself--empathic NT with an anxiety disorder and quality time love language. He has withdrawn from me after I tried to figure out why affection and intimacy has waned and how to get it back. I guess I overwhelmed him. I miss him and the distance hurts but I'm trying to understand. He was super affectionate in the beginning.
Well, finally heard someone describe sexual attraction the same way I feel it.
Only I'm pretty sure I'm pansexual, and, while I do tend to find women more aesthetically attractive, I effectively want to sleep (or at least cuddle) with nearly all my close friends.
Omg thank you so much for this video! This is the conversation I was looking for!
Is it though?
Very useful, thank you. Is it weird that i am autistic, but highly in need of touch ? Everybody, everything almost all the time, But specific people, I cannot touch, they almost disgust me, but they are people I kind of like, and respect. That sounds very weird. I completely get the body and mouth odor thing. Just listening to you makes me realise that it is an autistic thing, but it has always bothered me hugely. I only make the connexion now (not been dx that long - am pretty old).
I would add feet smell. In a big way.
I have autism and I am also bisexual. I don’t feel comfortable talking about it to people I don’t know. I like both men and women.
Oh my you are both me....I have no filter About personal issues.... I am researching Asperger’s because I am in a new relationship with a man I am oh most 100% positive has Asperger’s and my father and brother both have Asperger’s and now because of what I’ve read and looked at which is so much more information over the last 15 years and how it presents differently in women I’m sitting here like you miss purple little overwhelmed but happy that now I get me
aaah yes this!!! (around 18 minutes in) reason im on this video is because I have just had the revelation of my what my feelings were for a freind...
all my past relationships have been friends introducing us or built from drunken clubbing encounters...
from talking to friends most of them knew I had feelings for her before I did... its weird... no idea where things will go as waiting til we can meet in person again to properly talk...
But yeah, cheers for affirming a suspicion it isn't just me that misunderstands my own feelings too!
Well I am one of your younger viewers so I was diagnosed before I figured out that I am pansexual, but gender is the most confusing thing ever
Is it though?
Found this interesting and charming. You guys are awesome! Brought home to me that sexuality is complex, multifaceted and incredibly personal. We're all different. And that's okay! ☺️👍
Is it though?
@@facthunt2facthunt245 it certainly is for some.
I'm pretty sure this has been said a thousand times since this video has been posted. Still: Those Dinaosaurs are the best earclips on this planet.
Oh my gosh... Growing up I struggled figuring out who I was. From high school to now I was a lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, bisexual, straight, and in college I thought I was a man for 1-2 years. Only just now at 25 have I begun to accept myself as a bisexual female who's comfortable being a tomboy
I used to only be attracted to females. My fiance is legit the only male I've been attracted to. I'm bi but I lean more towards women.
@@clarylouise1791 Same!! It's very rare I'm ever attracted to men but when I am they tend to have some feminine characteristics
I'm constantly going in circles about my sexuality. I would find myself switching between straight, lesbian, bisexual and demisexual. Has anyone else felt the same? If so, how did you deal with it?
I'm 27 and still don't know my sexuality. I feel so frustrated and embarrassed. I should know by now. I kinda say I'm Greyasexual, but that doesn't feel 100% right but it's closest. I still can't tell if I'm straight or Bi :/
I'm only investigating if I might have ASD, but hearing about this makes me think 'Wow, is this why I've struggled so much to figure it out, and why I have trouble understanding what attraction is and what it feels like?'