This makes being assertive difficult. It is hard to confront someone at the moment when I can't realize the problem. I am getting better at confronting people later though and planning responses for similar situations.
Ros puts my experience into words perfectly. I've been (mis)diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and OCD, where I'm certain that I'm on the spectrum. My psychiatrist shuts me down when I've tried to bring it up, though, probably because I'm an adult with pretty convincing masking behavior. Thank you so much for uploading this! Hearing this helps me feel valid, you know? 🥰
So I knew about this and knew I experienced it BUT I never connected it to my issues around saying “I love you”! I have hurt people bc I don’t actively feel love for people all the time. I know I do, but I may not feel it. And saying it when I don’t actively feel it...feels disingenuous so I don’t. Wow. I just never heard it put like that.
Wow when Ros said about looking at someone you like and knowing you like them but not feeling it at that moment, i just had a moment of " yessss thats it, i figured it out now ! " I didnt know that that was it but it just clicked now in my brain ! Thankss
Exactly I keep explaining to my psychiatrist and counsellors that it’s not as easy to say how I’m feeling . I kinda guess to shut them up lol 😂. It’s all fun and games as my partner and I are both on the spectrum so you can imagine us trying to understand what we are both going through. I don’t even recognise when I’m getting stressed until I have a meltdown and everything falls apart. Or I end up significantly depressed or sick. I found reflection very hard because of this.
I love the washing machine analogy. It fits perfectly with the idea that your emotions are always in motion wether you can identify them or not. The whole unhelpful coping mechanisms business is why I still have bulimia. I write a poem a day about my emotions and where I am in my recovery and what my relationship with myself is like at the moment. Feeling ‘fine’ I think is why I mask so much in front of neurotypical friends and family. That feeling of being too busy to experience emotions, even though I know that I’m only busy most of the time because I’m trying to avoid emotions.
Excellant topic. Well done ladies. I have little self awareness much less emotional awareness. It takes very physical reactions in my body for me to be able to recognize emotions. My husband told me I hated him yesterday and I require monthly lectures on how uncaring I am of his emotional needs. I told him hugs mean nothing and he thinks I must be damaged from a broken childhood. He is jealous of the time and attention I give the animals. I told him animals are easy I can satisfy them with apples or sunflowers seeds. They don't require the correct tone of voice, choice of words, etc. My mother said it appeared like I avoided emotions as a child. Recognizing and expressing emotions is difficult and physically draining. I resent being someone else's emotional "fix".
Woah, I thought it was depression sneaking up, the events were always too short so I knew it wasn’t. The journal is very CBT, I use that as a tool at times, I find it great for untangling thoughts. Reading back I’m amazed at some of the notes.
Thank you so much Ella ,I’m a 16 year old autistic girl and I have just left school and I have no plan or any idea what is next for me and I have been struggling with that a lot lately ,just watching some of your videos really helps me it’s helping me understand my self and 2 becoming aware that ,ok maybe not everyone els around me is always helpful. But that’s Where I need to come in and say this would help even though it’s really hard . And honestly carry on what you are doing because when I’m having a bad day in shot of muddle where I’m feeling noting really works or going right wachting your videos reinforces everything I need back into my brain so thank you so much
Time for me to comment to make this experience more real. The experience is that I found great relatedness to both of you. I’ve watched you before and nodded my head listening. But before a few days ago, I’d never heard of Alexitymia. With this video and the subject, so much clicked for me. Thank you for isolating and discussing the experiences because so many of us are multi-acronym but we can’t always slot into the root of the behavior. I’ve known since 40 I am ASD. April this year, along came ADHD. Last month, PDA, and this week, Alexithymia. Your informal but informative session was the caring approach I needed after hearing so much clinical description. Bless you both. Sitting down four years ago to do this affects lives today.
Hi both Ella and Ros, Thanks for your video, interesting, inspiring, I feel solidarity and sisterhood with you both, I feel heart glow, what a World! Constant Toil! Concerning writing my diaries, they are my Wall to Wail, I just put the muck of my life there, fears, anxieties, longings, regrets, complications, frustrations, humiliations, insecurities, paranoias and more, I hang them all Devils there to dry. Unreservedly get rid of them. Takes honesty but I feel liberated. I think I talk to God as a protective Universal, fuzzy and kind, listening to me. Thanks. Yana.
I've watched this episode a number of times. I keep returning because it resonates so much. Much like Ella, who is Purple, I am overloaded with emotions I can't quite understand and this can drive some really challenging escalations. I can get into a loop of not wishing to burden others with my (trivial) concerns and feeling like exploding with a full and detailed lecture on.. well how I see the world. Thank you so much for your continued honesty and scrutiny of neurodivergent selves. I for one benefit enormously xx
I really like you, purple ella, and you ros! Thank you both for explaining so well. I had never heard of this condition and was diagnosed w autism at age 57, in August 2020. I was releived bty this diagnosis because it make me understand my problems with life and why living often felt like having to walk through thigh high mud. Why life was such a struglgle and so exhausting and why i had so much difficulty combining a job, keping.myy house tidy and as well as doing the shopping and coooking (I live alone and most of my life i have been single). I enjoy your voideos very much Ella, they are very organized i feel and very clear I wondr if not recognizing your emtions could also result in having a totally diffent idea of yourself than the people around you? I thiught as a teen, adilscent and young adult that i was a calm quey person until one day my father said something in a kind way that made clear to me that he saw me as a fiery persin, quick to feel offendend and ready to defend herself. He said it as if i already knew this myself. It took me several years to realise that a lot of people who had a lot of experience me would initially be attracted to my calmness and friendliness of manner which made them feel accepted and relaxed, until i became fiery about something. Somehow i had overlooked this part of me. Maybe because i simetimes threw a tantrum because i was the youngest of ten and everybody wanted to raise me according to their specific vakues, and did often not listen to me. If i threw a tantrum at least simmetimes they would realise that iteally did not or could not behave or be as they wanted me to do. Often i was treated as a kind of pet or doll and having notbone but 4 fathers and not 1 but 7 mothers was too overwhelming. So i deliberately threw a tantrum, though not often deliberately, so someone would understand that what they did was so far out, so totally crossing my boundaries, so hurtful that they needed to stop doing it. But i eventually discovered that i can be fierce and fiery, esp around my family members.
I love what you said about reading fiction to understand emotions. It wasn’t till I read the Harry Potter series last year, for the first time ever, that I was able to process a bunch of stuff from my childhood. I love the Harry Potter books now so deeply because of the healing they brought to me.
The ability to feel, identify & describe one’s own emotions is a life changing achievement . Learning how & when it’s appropriate to communicate your feelings to others, takes great personal training. Understanding other people’s emotions - is another project altogether. If you can allow yourself to connect to your own mind / body with loving presence instead of controlling yourself - you will never again be anxious / nervous / or feeling like you need to smoke, drink, drug, etc. It takes courage to allow your body to feel life & respond to life. The alternative is to live like a machine ..
Developing an awareness of how alexythymia shows up is opening space for empathy toward self and others. Thank you for the video and for all the comments.
My experiences are something of a mix where I need to make an active effort figuring out what I am feeling (out of a jumble, and it's hard to pinpoint causes) or if I am feeling something. I resonate a lot with the "Logically I know I should be feeling this" especially when it explains a lot about what I'm doing and it often takes me quite a while to realize that what I'm experiencing is a crush or something [there's a lot of variability depending on... I'm not sure yet]. Explaining my feelings is a lot harder and yes there are many moments of "OH YEAH THAT'S WHAT I WAS FEELING!" I can get recursive happiness when I realize I was happy (or why). I do wish I could express my affection as easily as I've seen others. I always feel like I'm hurting people when it doesn't flow like I observe others and it comes out awkwardly.
I went through a period of intense mourning when I realised my way of experiencing emotions wasn't typical and that this meant I was unable to feel love to the same extent as others. It makes me feel less of a human and like i'm missing out on the meaning of life.
"I was unable to feel love to the same extent as others" Don't mean to be mean (or rude), but I would recommend exchanging "to..extent" by "in...way". My rationale is that everyone is "trapped" within their own being, so there is no reliable way to know exactly, if we mean the same "things" when using the same words. Your feelings are yours, and yours alone, and if you need to find a new language for them -- than that's just the way things are. If anything, that would make you more of a human, for our meaning of life is to figure out meaning. Kicking and screaming, if need be.
You say that, but it's easy to feel like you're wrong and unnatural when everything else says you are. You're never going to find a 16-year-old girl reading a book about how people feel their emotions differently, you're going to find her reading a cheesy Young Adult novel with an unnecessary romance thrown in that uses overly flowery language. When all the media you consume romanticizes emotions to the extent that it does, and you don't feel that, you feel like you're broken.
Great video. Wonderful insights and info. And funny too! Like Ros, I shut down and I have a sort disconnect with emotions. But that’s not to say they aren’t present. Similar to your “washing machine” description, emotions often seem like an ever-changing kaleidoscope - I can’t describe, untangle, or pin down any single emotion - just a general positive or negative. You both do a great job describing something that’s so hard to describe. A few years ago, before I’d heard of alexithymia, I was at a therapy session with my now former wife (who was in rehab), and the counselors would ask me, “How does this or that, make you feel?” After answering, “I don’t know” for about the 3rd time, I decided to elaborate. I could have been reading out the description at the first of your video. However, this was met with blank stares - they were after all - substance abuse counselors. In researching autism/ Asperger’s I came across alexithymia and that it was often co-morbid with autism. I was like…”Oh my God it has a name - and other people experience it”. Smoking…I started smoking again 2 years ago after 10 years as a contented non-smoker. This was the result of a major burnout. I’m feeling better now and my thoughts are increasing toward quitting again. I wish you and myself the best of luck in getting away from this destructive habit! Thanks for the video.
I totally understand the shutting down emotions thing really seems to resonate with me, always wondered why when I'm super stressed at work or when i was at school, i dont really melt down unless someone is directly yelling at me, i normally just completely zone out and stop really feeling while on auto pilot mode. Then after the shift im stuck sitting there for the rest of the week trying to figure out why i was like that. I was diagnosed with autism super young, but the only thing i really learnt from the diagnosis was how to mask and hide my emotions.
Omg dealing with your feelings of struggle while also having to deal with the emotions of the person you're telling that you're not fine. This is ahuge reason why I mask and why i don't talk to people how I feel.
maiynnai yes yes yes, a million times yes! I can barely deal with myself...and then I have to deal with your emotions too?? 😕...and I will...deal with your emotions first (if you allow) ...friggin exhausting...so I just keep a lot to myself...
I very much enjoy your rambles and find them useful. Thank you so much for making them. I only just fell down this particular TH-cam rabbit hole so I'm a bit late watching these but I figure it can be just as nice to hear it 2 years on as when you first made them.
Just want to say, I was screaming "yes!" as you described this and it is intensely relieving to have people to whose experiences I can actually relate. So, thankyou both very much.
I feel like I can relate to this when my processing disorder is more moderate to severe. Where I just don't get (process) I guess... the average human emotion. Things like affection seem terribly odd to me. I almost feel like an alien who is visiting the planet and observing humans if that makes sense
I relate to basically everything you said Ella. Thank you. I’m realising that I am on the spectrum... I have a lot of denial and I think it comes from the I have to be ok thing like you mentioned. Great video. Hope your doing ok, even if not better.
Ladies, I can so relate to everything you said! If you combined the two of you, you would have me! I did quit smoking. Thank you. BTW, I'm a 54 yr old female, undiagnosed n have finally found answers, finally things make sense, I make sense, n this is another piece of my puzzle!
"I've got the smoking to shut off my emotions and the noise of other people to shut off my own thoughts".... have you developed this further or had a therapist's opinion about it? My husband can't stop smoking, despite him being just like you, and he is very needful to be around friends (how own or other people's) and I am wondering if it might be that very process you have so eloquently described. He has been through a lot of family tragedy and trauma lately and I think it's all connected. He started smoking (after stopping 15 years) when one tragedy took place. So you are making so much sense to me. Please respond if you see this. Have you managed to stop smoking? Are you feeling well?
This is a great video, Ros and Ella. I never heard of Alexithymia before but I can really relate to Ros' way to react to emotions through writing a journal. I am into creative writing and I think that it is a good way of looking back and reflecting on how you dealt with past situations and what you've learnt from them. And also, it's certainly for you and for no one else. I also use my entries as ideas for stories because when I am writing for a character, I have to reflect on my own emotions and experiences to write them in. It's not easy but I really enjoy it and I hope that through this, I'll be able to use it to spread awareness for disabilities. I cannot wait for sexuality and Autism; I think it's going to be a great one. =)
I'd be really interested in knowing if you can "turn it on and off" sometimes when you want to. I had some periods as a teen where I was scared of my anger. I became aware I could really hurt or even kill someone without any "feeling". I know it's not a psychopathic thing it's only sometimes. I learnt to turn it on to cope with difficult situations instead. I'm only beginning to look at ASD as a possibility due to my teen's issues being flagged. I think it was described by a my GP in later years as disassociation but this makes more sense to me.
Is it just in the UK where you can't get a diagnosis? I was able to get an Alexithyma mental health evaluation test here in the US by a psychiatrist and was consequently formally diagnosed as being borderline Alexithymic.
I can relate to what you said. My stupid iPad erased what I wrote. 😡 In short:Can’t divide emotionsFeel only extreme emotions like joy or sadness Generally somehow hyper agitated, but can’t name the emotions behind Tried to learn about emotions in a group called “Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT)” concerted for Borderline Personalities thought I’m not a Borderliner. Read which emotions exist and how they might show in body. That was useless.I’ve no time for a diary.I don’t want to talk about why I’m feeling bad because the other might dig till the ground what’s exhausting.I seem to be a mix of Shutdown and Meltdown.I know I love my husband, but the emotion is missing most time. 😢I’m afraid people I try to comfort and hug feel as if they embrace an ice lock. I think I kind of half-kill overwhelming emotions and stress with smoking. Some time ago I told you, Ella, that I’d stop smoking. I had holidays, didn’t manage, I’m at home since last Friday, tomorrow is the last day without stressing work. I still smoke. And there are times when I really hate me for being so weak for not stopping smoking.I should find other ways for self regulation instead of smoking... Thank you for this important video.
Great video youve both made :-) im taking Easter hols one day at a time too it isn't easy , i have 2 kids one is just about to turn one myself and eldest son is autistic too. And i 100% understand, so nice to see im not the only one taking it step by step x
When my boyfriend of 3 years from university broke up with me I couldn't understand I why I was depressed. When I lost my favourite aunt, my nan and got diagnosed with a life long illness I couldn't understand why I was depressed either. Is that it?
I totally understand. I often have the same feeling, and it makes me think that I don’t inspire sympathy. It’s one of the most hurtful things I know to have felt,, when you don’t know how to ask for support..
It's tricky because often I find that others dont know what to say (my partner) but other people ca be really wonderful. The fact is, saying you're not fine may only be a temporary thing and otherwise you are actually a perfect awesome human being who is trying to adapt to the world
@@PurpleElla key word for me is try. That looks like masking. Can lead to shutdown or burnout if it's chronic. I'm 71 and having lived with misunderstanding and its repercussions, hearing you & Ros speak so naturally about hitherto unheard of experience feels refreshingly validating. Thank you.
When your hurt or in pain you need some attention a warm arm around you... But no.. You stand alone.. Always. If i had know did before i never started a relation with such a person. He always blame others for the way he is. So i tried to help him to build himself.. No result. He was attracted by mine spontaneity...... "i know that i love you but i dont feel it"... Really ¿¿¿¿¿When your a sensetive person.. Just run away
Identifying with you very much “I feel sick” means i have something very terrible I’m not able to identify as a feeling or a reason It’s interesting that NT people can have c alexithymia as well. i wonder how they consider themselves... or like we’ve established, maybe they never question it because much of their life hasn’t been pathologised already
I usually describe myself as "being tired", even though I'm not phisically tired. I mean, there are so many different types of "being tired" that I could kind of try to explain. I don't really know if I have alexithymia or not, one of my psychologist used to tell me that I had very high emotional intelligence, because I could pin point what was happening. Thing is, how could I know what was that I was feeling if I didn't rationalize it? Like ok, this happend and this happened, and I didn't felt like doing anything today and I just wanted to stay in bed, I couldn't concentrate at all, I ended up crying... well I must have been sad, ok but "why?" so, today this happend and this other thing happened... I tend to overexplain my emotions instead of just putting the name of the emotion itself, because if I had to say, out of nowhere how my day was or how I felt at a specific moment by just saying the name of the emotion... well I don't know! So, the easy way is just "well I was tired this week", was I sleepy? not really, but I was tired in some other way lol
i really wish i could just sleep and sleep, i cant really sleep in and havent been able to for a few years, just due to family and relationships, i always feel like i just want to keep sleeping all the time, but external factors never let me, how do you get around stuff like that? like if you have kids or a partner who doesnt like you sleeping in or staying in bed all day, im stuck because im self diagnosed or just waiting for an assessment, and pretty much realised not long ago, maybe a year now , ive finally been able to quit my constant job after job cycle, just struggle with sleep and not being able to sleep in but obvs its responsibilities ygm
I don’t know what parts I empathize with and I’m not sure if that’s the problem lol I heard a few things throughout I definitely recognized in myself but I couldn’t tell you what they were for the life of me
Please please please quit smoking. I watched my mom die from lung cancer from smoking, she had even quit 9 years before diagnosis. I'm traumatized from watching her suffer and I couldn't fix it, please find a substitute coping strategy. 💔
How do you know if you love someone? I’m not sure if my boyfriend w ASD loves me bc he never tells me and he doesn’t seem to care when he hurts me. Is there any hope or does your nuerodiverse relationship only work bc your a female w ASD?
That's an important question. Relating in ways that are mutually satisfying can seem nearly impossible and also essential. Practicing living within respectful boundaries and developing ever healthier listening skills seem like worthy goals to me. My ex-husband died a few years ago. He had two divorces after ours. Our communication difficulties continue to reverberate hurtfully through our children's and grandchildren's lives. And, so does our love. No magic solutions. Hope, gratitude, and reality.
Emotions make me phisicaly feel sick i can't love someone cause the math behind it makes no sense I don't feel nothing at funerals nor can i console someone that's sad or laugh when others laugh and I don't care cause of lack of emotions... I just feel random emotional anger/pain and hollowness in my chest and stomach... This is my life😐😳😟
I've recently noticed feeling nauseated when identifying the presence of a physiological response to a thought. Journaling the experience using detailed description seems to be increasing my emotion capacity and the nausea leaves sooner when I acknowledge it as a signal I've received. I learned this through the practice of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Thank you for sharing your symptom of feeling physically sick. I felt sick a lot as a child and had many absences from school and work that had me feeling self-conscious and defensive and ashamed. The video and comments with the opportunity to reply is very helpful for me.
HERBAL CIGARETTES HAVE HELPED ME!!!!!! esp when stressed i wud break my commitment to not smoking. BUT if i have herbal cigarettes on hand then i dont bum regular cigarettes off other people and it's much easier
Ok, not criticizing because I totally do it, but if you could harness all that fidgeting! You could power a generator. Personally, I'm fixated on the key inside Ros' shirt (not in a creepy way.)
Wondering... my mom can totally NOT be ok at all yet her mantra is “I’m fine” and yet she is the elephant in the room of “not fine”. I think it is the only way she feels safe and in control is to parrot she is fine. Unfortunately, then she must declare and believe everyone else is fine, even when they aren’t, or situations are even when they aren’t. She can’t comprehend why she is surrounded by people who to her present as over reactors and overly sensitive and hypochondriacs. The invalidation of all things creates quite the neurosis in the whole unit. While she is declaring everyone and herself fine she is pointing out everything wrong with you that she perceives in some horrid moral judgements that are just off base. Eventually everyone has practiced um... social distancing”seems to be the current word... from her and she feels so hurt and rejected and claims there is something “wrong” with each and every one of us. But not her, she is fine. But no one can break through. If one attempts at all to shine a light she goes off the deep end. It feels so unfixable. And she feels so lonely and is now the victim queen and her whole family are strange and mean and just silly horrible abusive lazy stupid selfish wrong wrong wrong things. I struggled... what Is this all my life. I’m 56. I came across borderline and thought that was it. Then female Autism. Yes, seems. But then I had the unfortunate audacity to suggest. I’m pretty sure I am now the walking dead in her book... so maybe Autism and Borderline? I do love her but it isn’t easy ❤️. She is surrounded by people who have tried so hard to convince her we love her but not for a day has she ever believed us. So, we all kinda gave up on trying. The. We try again
Your mother may have developed when young a strategy of telling herself over and overigens er that she is fine, might be in reaction to a cold unresponsive environment by one or both of the parents or oeople she lived with. My mother, in hindsight was most likely on the spectrum. Her mother was not warm and kind to her most of the time, she always got a lot of negative remarks from het mother and on top of that she was the wldest of 6 chuldren and was not at all acknowledged in her feelings and emotions. She had major difficulties in expressing her love, except when you were sick. She would say very negative things straight in your face when you cane to visit, barely said hello, but say things like what did you do with your hair it looks awful, or wht the heck are you wearing now! In a very harsh and very derogatory way. I think she also had difficulty to understand her own emotions because her own mother treated her more like a servant and was very harsh and unloving towards her. She adopted a stoic attitude, take it on the chin but i know from experience with myself that that can lead to not recognising your own emotions at all, lock them in a cupboard as a copiing mechanism to not fall apart. My.mother did however have a sense of justice and of what is fair. She realised she hadnt been the good mother she really thought she was. She was linky for the last 15byears of her life because we had trouble visiting her because she scolded us from the time we were toddlers and still was doing it even when we were adults. Your mother seems to blame other people, that could be a sign of narcistic pers9nality disorder. People with this disorder are often manipulative and gaslight other people. They dont have much capacity to self reflect and think they are great and are very much entitled to manipulate and gaslight and use other people. There is a spectrum as well with that disorder, some people can be helped by psychological therapies, but often their ability to look inside themself is almost or totally non existent and that incapacity does not help with dealing with them and the increasing lonrliness and dissatisfaction with life they often experience as they grow older. It is not a common condition, not that many people have this condition. There are people whomare celf centred who do not have this condition of npd, yet non psychologically trained people often call such a person a narcisist. Same with manipulative people or people who gaslight others. Becaiuse my mother had a good heart and really cared for her children, most of the time when she was so critical in the first few minutes of my visit, i would hug her and tell her and meaning it with all my heart: yes mother i love you too. It would unnerve her because she yearned to be hugged, at least thT is what i saw in her from when i was 3, but at the same time felt awkward when someone hugged her cause she got very few cuddles when ahe was young and also because of being on the autism spectrum, even though she was never diagnosed by an autism expert. She died in 1999 so i cant tell her now face to face my connclusion of her nor ask her about her not liking to be hugged.
This makes being assertive difficult. It is hard to confront someone at the moment when I can't realize the problem. I am getting better at confronting people later though and planning responses for similar situations.
Did I just watch a video about a very difficult area of my life and have FUN? Yes, I did! Thank you!
Ros puts my experience into words perfectly. I've been (mis)diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and OCD, where I'm certain that I'm on the spectrum. My psychiatrist shuts me down when I've tried to bring it up, though, probably because I'm an adult with pretty convincing masking behavior.
Thank you so much for uploading this! Hearing this helps me feel valid, you know? 🥰
Oliver Hatched yes Oliver, I do know😘
A second opinion is in order...
Me too T -T
Time to find an ASD specialist 😊
So I knew about this and knew I experienced it BUT I never connected it to my issues around saying “I love you”! I have hurt people bc I don’t actively feel love for people all the time. I know I do, but I may not feel it. And saying it when I don’t actively feel it...feels disingenuous so I don’t. Wow. I just never heard it put like that.
Wow when Ros said about looking at someone you like and knowing you like them but not feeling it at that moment, i just had a moment of " yessss thats it, i figured it out now ! " I didnt know that that was it but it just clicked now in my brain ! Thankss
Trying to understand a loved one. That's so foreign to me. Thank you!
So how did you process Darth Vader telling Luke to "search his feelings?"
Exactly I keep explaining to my psychiatrist and counsellors that it’s not as easy to say how I’m feeling . I kinda guess to shut them up lol 😂. It’s all fun and games as my partner and I are both on the spectrum so you can imagine us trying to understand what we are both going through.
I don’t even recognise when I’m getting stressed until I have a meltdown and everything falls apart. Or I end up significantly depressed or sick. I found reflection very hard because of this.
This is strangely relatable and it definitely explains why I have a feeling of emotional blindness which I am sure is a comorbidity of my autism
I love the washing machine analogy. It fits perfectly with the idea that your emotions are always in motion wether you can identify them or not. The whole unhelpful coping mechanisms business is why I still have bulimia. I write a poem a day about my emotions and where I am in my recovery and what my relationship with myself is like at the moment. Feeling ‘fine’ I think is why I mask so much in front of neurotypical friends and family. That feeling of being too busy to experience emotions, even though I know that I’m only busy most of the time because I’m trying to avoid emotions.
Excellant topic. Well done ladies. I have little self awareness much less emotional awareness. It takes very physical reactions in my body for me to be able to recognize emotions. My husband told me I hated him yesterday and I require monthly lectures on how uncaring I am of his emotional needs. I told him hugs mean nothing and he thinks I must be damaged from a broken childhood. He is jealous of the time and attention I give the animals. I told him animals are easy I can satisfy them with apples or sunflowers seeds. They don't require the correct tone of voice, choice of words, etc. My mother said it appeared like I avoided emotions as a child. Recognizing and expressing emotions is difficult and physically draining. I resent being someone else's emotional "fix".
Woah, I thought it was depression sneaking up, the events were always too short so I knew it wasn’t.
The journal is very CBT, I use that as a tool at times, I find it great for untangling thoughts. Reading back I’m amazed at some of the notes.
Thank you so much Ella ,I’m a 16 year old autistic girl and I have just left school and I have no plan or any idea what is next for me and I have been struggling with that a lot lately ,just watching some of your videos really helps me it’s helping me understand my self and 2 becoming aware that ,ok maybe not everyone els around me is always helpful. But that’s Where I need to come in and say this would help even though it’s really hard . And honestly carry on what you are doing because when I’m having a bad day in shot of muddle where I’m feeling noting really works or going right wachting your videos reinforces everything I need back into my brain so thank you so much
Time for me to comment to make this experience more real.
The experience is that I found great relatedness to both of you.
I’ve watched you before and nodded my head listening. But before a few days ago, I’d never heard of Alexitymia. With this video and the subject, so much clicked for me. Thank you for isolating and discussing the experiences because so many of us are multi-acronym but we can’t always slot into the root of the behavior. I’ve known since 40 I am ASD. April this year, along came ADHD. Last month, PDA, and this week, Alexithymia.
Your informal but informative session was the caring approach I needed after hearing so much clinical description.
Bless you both. Sitting down four years ago to do this affects lives today.
Hi both Ella and Ros, Thanks for your video, interesting, inspiring, I feel solidarity and sisterhood with you both, I feel heart glow, what a World! Constant Toil! Concerning writing my diaries, they are my Wall to Wail, I just put the muck of my life there, fears, anxieties, longings, regrets, complications, frustrations, humiliations, insecurities, paranoias and more, I hang them all Devils there to dry. Unreservedly get rid of them. Takes honesty but I feel liberated. I think I talk to God as a protective Universal, fuzzy and kind, listening to me. Thanks. Yana.
I'm adding this to my list of resources that I share with people to help understand me. You two described me to a T.
I've watched this episode a number of times. I keep returning because it resonates so much. Much like Ella, who is Purple, I am overloaded with emotions I can't quite understand and this can drive some really challenging escalations. I can get into a loop of not wishing to burden others with my (trivial) concerns and feeling like exploding with a full and detailed lecture on.. well how I see the world. Thank you so much for your continued honesty and scrutiny of neurodivergent selves. I for one benefit enormously xx
I really like you, purple ella, and you ros! Thank you both for explaining so well. I had never heard of this condition and was diagnosed w autism at age 57, in August 2020. I was releived bty this diagnosis because it make me understand my problems with life and why living often felt like having to walk through thigh high mud. Why life was such a struglgle and so exhausting and why i had so much difficulty combining a job, keping.myy house tidy and as well as doing the shopping and coooking (I live alone and most of my life i have been single).
I enjoy your voideos very much Ella, they are very organized i feel and very clear
I wondr if not recognizing your emtions could also result in having a totally diffent idea of yourself than the people around you? I thiught as a teen, adilscent and young adult that i was a calm quey person until one day my father said something in a kind way that made clear to me that he saw me as a fiery persin, quick to feel offendend and ready to defend herself. He said it as if i already knew this myself. It took me several years to realise that a lot of people who had a lot of experience me would initially be attracted to my calmness and friendliness of manner which made them feel accepted and relaxed, until i became fiery about something. Somehow i had overlooked this part of me. Maybe because i simetimes threw a tantrum because i was the youngest of ten and everybody wanted to raise me according to their specific vakues, and did often not listen to me. If i threw a tantrum at least simmetimes they would realise that iteally did not or could not behave or be as they wanted me to do. Often i was treated as a kind of pet or doll and having notbone but 4 fathers and not 1 but 7 mothers was too overwhelming. So i deliberately threw a tantrum, though not often deliberately, so someone would understand that what they did was so far out, so totally crossing my boundaries, so hurtful that they needed to stop doing it. But i eventually discovered that i can be fierce and fiery, esp around my family members.
I love what you said about reading fiction to understand emotions. It wasn’t till I read the Harry Potter series last year, for the first time ever, that I was able to process a bunch of stuff from my childhood. I love the Harry Potter books now so deeply because of the healing they brought to me.
The ability to feel, identify & describe one’s own emotions is a life changing achievement .
Learning how & when it’s appropriate to communicate your feelings to others, takes great personal training.
Understanding other people’s emotions - is another project altogether.
If you can allow yourself to connect to your own mind / body with loving presence instead of controlling yourself - you will never again be anxious / nervous / or feeling like you need to smoke, drink, drug, etc. It takes courage to allow your body to feel life & respond to life. The alternative is to live like a machine ..
Great personal training. Yes. Practice, practice, practice.
I offend my friends as When they say they miss me I’m like that’s nice but I never say I miss them as that would be lying 🤥
I do this. Haha.
Or when I look at my partner and I KNOW I love him but I look at him and don't FEEL it.
And somedays I look at him and feel it
I miss people I just may not realize it until I actually see them again that I missed them lol
Developing an awareness of how alexythymia shows up is opening space for empathy toward self and others. Thank you for the video and for all the comments.
My experiences are something of a mix where I need to make an active effort figuring out what I am feeling (out of a jumble, and it's hard to pinpoint causes) or if I am feeling something. I resonate a lot with the "Logically I know I should be feeling this" especially when it explains a lot about what I'm doing and it often takes me quite a while to realize that what I'm experiencing is a crush or something [there's a lot of variability depending on... I'm not sure yet].
Explaining my feelings is a lot harder and yes there are many moments of "OH YEAH THAT'S WHAT I WAS FEELING!" I can get recursive happiness when I realize I was happy (or why).
I do wish I could express my affection as easily as I've seen others. I always feel like I'm hurting people when it doesn't flow like I observe others and it comes out awkwardly.
I've just heard about this and oh my gosh it's answer that i have been searching for, for so long. I can totally identify with alexithymia! ❤
I went through a period of intense mourning when I realised my way of experiencing emotions wasn't typical and that this meant I was unable to feel love to the same extent as others. It makes me feel less of a human and like i'm missing out on the meaning of life.
"I was unable to feel love to the same extent as others"
Don't mean to be mean (or rude), but I would recommend exchanging "to..extent" by "in...way". My rationale is that everyone is "trapped" within their own being, so there is no reliable way to know exactly, if we mean the same "things" when using the same words. Your feelings are yours, and yours alone, and if you need to find a new language for them -- than that's just the way things are. If anything, that would make you more of a human, for our meaning of life is to figure out meaning. Kicking and screaming, if need be.
You say that, but it's easy to feel like you're wrong and unnatural when everything else says you are. You're never going to find a 16-year-old girl reading a book about how people feel their emotions differently, you're going to find her reading a cheesy Young Adult novel with an unnecessary romance thrown in that uses overly flowery language. When all the media you consume romanticizes emotions to the extent that it does, and you don't feel that, you feel like you're broken.
Great video. Wonderful insights and info. And funny too! Like Ros, I shut down and I have a sort disconnect with emotions. But that’s not to say they aren’t present. Similar to your “washing machine” description, emotions often seem like an ever-changing kaleidoscope - I can’t describe, untangle, or pin down any single emotion - just a general positive or negative. You both do a great job describing something that’s so hard to describe.
A few years ago, before I’d heard of alexithymia, I was at a therapy session with my now former wife (who was in rehab), and the counselors would ask me, “How does this or that, make you feel?” After answering, “I don’t know” for about the 3rd time, I decided to elaborate. I could have been reading out the description at the first of your video. However, this was met with blank stares - they were after all - substance abuse counselors.
In researching autism/ Asperger’s I came across alexithymia and that it was often co-morbid with autism. I was like…”Oh my God it has a name - and other people experience it”.
Smoking…I started smoking again 2 years ago after 10 years as a contented non-smoker. This was the result of a major burnout. I’m feeling better now and my thoughts are increasing toward quitting again. I wish you and myself the best of luck in getting away from this destructive habit! Thanks for the video.
I didn't know what anxiety was until I was nearly 30 despite experiencing it constantly for nearly half my life. Relatable
I totally understand the shutting down emotions thing really seems to resonate with me, always wondered why when I'm super stressed at work or when i was at school, i dont really melt down unless someone is directly yelling at me, i normally just completely zone out and stop really feeling while on auto pilot mode. Then after the shift im stuck sitting there for the rest of the week trying to figure out why i was like that. I was diagnosed with autism super young, but the only thing i really learnt from the diagnosis was how to mask and hide my emotions.
Omg dealing with your feelings of struggle while also having to deal with the emotions of the person you're telling that you're not fine. This is ahuge reason why I mask and why i don't talk to people how I feel.
maiynnai yes yes yes, a million times yes! I can barely deal with myself...and then I have to deal with your emotions too?? 😕...and I will...deal with your emotions first (if you allow) ...friggin exhausting...so I just keep a lot to myself...
I very much enjoy your rambles and find them useful. Thank you so much for making them. I only just fell down this particular TH-cam rabbit hole so I'm a bit late watching these but I figure it can be just as nice to hear it 2 years on as when you first made them.
Just want to say, I was screaming "yes!" as you described this and it is intensely relieving to have people to whose experiences I can actually relate. So, thankyou both very much.
thank you so much for being real ♥️
I feel like I can relate to this when my processing disorder is more moderate to severe. Where I just don't get (process) I guess... the average human emotion. Things like affection seem terribly odd to me. I almost feel like an alien who is visiting the planet and observing humans if that makes sense
i'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. i'm really glad you are being open about it. great videos. thank you!
I relate to basically everything you said Ella. Thank you. I’m realising that I am on the spectrum... I have a lot of denial and I think it comes from the I have to be ok thing like you mentioned. Great video. Hope your doing ok, even if not better.
I believe that I have experienced this because it took 8 months for me to get that I'm angry and almost hate someone who used my autism to abuse me.
Ladies, I can so relate to everything you said! If you combined the two of you, you would have me! I did quit smoking. Thank you. BTW, I'm a 54 yr old female, undiagnosed n have finally found answers, finally things make sense, I make sense, n this is another piece of my puzzle!
"I've got the smoking to shut off my emotions and the noise of other people to shut off my own thoughts".... have you developed this further or had a therapist's opinion about it? My husband can't stop smoking, despite him being just like you, and he is very needful to be around friends (how own or other people's) and I am wondering if it might be that very process you have so eloquently described. He has been through a lot of family tragedy and trauma lately and I think it's all connected. He started smoking (after stopping 15 years) when one tragedy took place. So you are making so much sense to me. Please respond if you see this. Have you managed to stop smoking? Are you feeling well?
I'm really enjoying hearing the different perspectives on this. Both related, different, and valid.
This is a great video, Ros and Ella. I never heard of Alexithymia before but I can really relate to Ros' way to react to emotions through writing a journal. I am into creative writing and I think that it is a good way of looking back and reflecting on how you dealt with past situations and what you've learnt from them. And also, it's certainly for you and for no one else. I also use my entries as ideas for stories because when I am writing for a character, I have to reflect on my own emotions and experiences to write them in. It's not easy but I really enjoy it and I hope that through this, I'll be able to use it to spread awareness for disabilities. I cannot wait for sexuality and Autism; I think it's going to be a great one. =)
I'd be really interested in knowing if you can "turn it on and off" sometimes when you want to. I had some periods as a teen where I was scared of my anger. I became aware I could really hurt or even kill someone without any "feeling". I know it's not a psychopathic thing it's only sometimes. I learnt to turn it on to cope with difficult situations instead. I'm only beginning to look at ASD as a possibility due to my teen's issues being flagged. I think it was described by a my GP in later years as disassociation but this makes more sense to me.
Thank you for sharing. You both are so great.
I now know I have alyxithymia.
Wow... I feel like I'm kind of a mix between both of your experiences.
Two really beautiful ladies. Thanks for your insight :)
Your channel is very helpful for my and other's lives!🥰
Is it just in the UK where you can't get a diagnosis? I was able to get an Alexithyma mental health evaluation test here in the US by a psychiatrist and was consequently formally diagnosed as being borderline Alexithymic.
I can relate to what you said. My stupid iPad erased what I wrote. 😡 In short:Can’t divide emotionsFeel only extreme emotions like joy or sadness Generally somehow hyper agitated, but can’t name the emotions behind
Tried to learn about emotions in a group called “Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT)” concerted for Borderline Personalities thought I’m not a Borderliner. Read which emotions exist and how they might show in body. That was useless.I’ve no time for a diary.I don’t want to talk about why I’m feeling bad because the other might dig till the ground what’s exhausting.I seem to be a mix of Shutdown and Meltdown.I know I love my husband, but the emotion is missing most time. 😢I’m afraid people I try to comfort and hug feel as if they embrace an ice lock.
I think I kind of half-kill overwhelming emotions and stress with smoking. Some time ago I told you, Ella, that I’d stop smoking. I had holidays, didn’t manage, I’m at home since last Friday, tomorrow is the last day without stressing work. I still smoke. And there are times when I really hate me for being so weak for not stopping smoking.I should find other ways for self regulation instead of smoking...
Thank you for this important video.
Great video youve both made :-)
im taking Easter hols one day at a time too it isn't easy , i have 2 kids one is just about to turn one myself and eldest son is autistic too. And i 100% understand, so nice to see im not the only one taking it step by step x
When my boyfriend of 3 years from university broke up with me I couldn't understand I why I was depressed. When I lost my favourite aunt, my nan and got diagnosed with a life long illness I couldn't understand why I was depressed either. Is that it?
What do you do, when you tell people that you are not fine in a major way and they are completely indifferent?
I try not to make other people's reactions a problem. Everyone is on their own journey, and we never know what is going on in other peoples lives.
I totally understand. I often have the same feeling, and it makes me think that I don’t inspire sympathy. It’s one of the most hurtful things I know to have felt,, when you don’t know how to ask for support..
It's tricky because often I find that others dont know what to say (my partner) but other people ca be really wonderful. The fact is, saying you're not fine may only be a temporary thing and otherwise you are actually a perfect awesome human being who is trying to adapt to the world
@@PurpleElla key word for me is try. That looks like masking. Can lead to shutdown or burnout if it's chronic. I'm 71 and having lived with misunderstanding and its repercussions, hearing you & Ros speak so naturally about hitherto unheard of experience feels refreshingly validating. Thank you.
When your hurt or in pain you need some attention a warm arm around you... But no.. You stand alone.. Always. If i had know did before i never started a relation with such a person. He always blame others for the way he is. So i tried to help him to build himself.. No result. He was attracted by mine spontaneity...... "i know that i love you but i dont feel it"... Really ¿¿¿¿¿When your a sensetive person.. Just run away
This has been my favorite video 💗😍
Identifying with you very much
“I feel sick” means i have something very terrible I’m not able to identify as a feeling or a reason
It’s interesting that NT people can have c alexithymia as well. i wonder how they consider themselves... or like we’ve established, maybe they never question it because much of their life hasn’t been pathologised already
When you say that you use smoking as a strategy, do you mean weed?
I usually describe myself as "being tired", even though I'm not phisically tired. I mean, there are so many different types of "being tired" that I could kind of try to explain. I don't really know if I have alexithymia or not, one of my psychologist used to tell me that I had very high emotional intelligence, because I could pin point what was happening. Thing is, how could I know what was that I was feeling if I didn't rationalize it? Like ok, this happend and this happened, and I didn't felt like doing anything today and I just wanted to stay in bed, I couldn't concentrate at all, I ended up crying... well I must have been sad, ok but "why?" so, today this happend and this other thing happened...
I tend to overexplain my emotions instead of just putting the name of the emotion itself, because if I had to say, out of nowhere how my day was or how I felt at a specific moment by just saying the name of the emotion... well I don't know!
So, the easy way is just "well I was tired this week", was I sleepy? not really, but I was tired in some other way lol
This video was so helpful to me. Thank you so much.
i really wish i could just sleep and sleep, i cant really sleep in and havent been able to for a few years, just due to family and relationships, i always feel like i just want to keep sleeping all the time, but external factors never let me, how do you get around stuff like that? like if you have kids or a partner who doesnt like you sleeping in or staying in bed all day, im stuck because im self diagnosed or just waiting for an assessment, and pretty much realised not long ago, maybe a year now , ive finally been able to quit my constant job after job cycle, just struggle with sleep and not being able to sleep in but obvs its responsibilities ygm
Mindblown!
I don’t know what parts I empathize with and I’m not sure if that’s the problem lol I heard a few things throughout I definitely recognized in myself but I couldn’t tell you what they were for the life of me
For me my body tells me that when I am controlling my emotions my body tells others that in uncomfortable. Either hickups or stomach grumbles
I tested yesterday and my stomach wouldn't shut up
Please please please quit smoking. I watched my mom die from lung cancer from smoking, she had even quit 9 years before diagnosis.
I'm traumatized from watching her suffer and I couldn't fix it, please find a substitute coping strategy. 💔
First off: the woman on the left sounds and motions like Phoebe Waller-Bridge
How do you know if you love someone? I’m not sure if my boyfriend w ASD loves me bc he never tells me and he doesn’t seem to care when he hurts me. Is there any hope or does your nuerodiverse relationship only work bc your a female w ASD?
That's an important question. Relating in ways that are mutually satisfying can seem nearly impossible and also essential. Practicing living within respectful boundaries and developing ever healthier listening skills seem like worthy goals to me. My ex-husband died a few years ago. He had two divorces after ours. Our communication difficulties continue to reverberate hurtfully through our children's and grandchildren's lives. And, so does our love. No magic solutions. Hope, gratitude, and reality.
I want to hear this but I have it up all the way .and I can barely hear
Emotions make me phisicaly feel sick i can't love someone cause the math behind it makes no sense I don't feel nothing at funerals nor can i console someone that's sad or laugh when others laugh and I don't care cause of lack of emotions... I just feel random emotional anger/pain and hollowness in my chest and stomach... This is my life😐😳😟
I've recently noticed feeling nauseated when identifying the presence of a physiological response to a thought. Journaling the experience using detailed description seems to be increasing my emotion capacity and the nausea leaves sooner when I acknowledge it as a signal I've received. I learned this through the practice of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Thank you for sharing your symptom of feeling physically sick. I felt sick a lot as a child and had many absences from school and work that had me feeling self-conscious and defensive and ashamed. The video and comments with the opportunity to reply is very helpful for me.
@@lindadunn8787 defensive like if someone is mad, u feel like it was you even if it has nothing to do with you?
HERBAL CIGARETTES HAVE HELPED ME!!!!!! esp when stressed i wud break my commitment to not smoking. BUT if i have herbal cigarettes on hand then i dont bum regular cigarettes off other people and it's much easier
and the only difficulty recognizing emotions in others?
THANK YOU
I really want to watch this but I can't hear it properly.
They are so beautifull!!!!!! 😭😍
Oh, I like ASC so much better! Thanks!
Ok, not criticizing because I totally do it, but if you could harness all that fidgeting! You could power a generator. Personally, I'm fixated on the key inside Ros' shirt (not in a creepy way.)
What is ASC?
I can barely hear anything even with headphones.
I had my volume up to 100 and I still can't understand!
Wondering... my mom can totally NOT be ok at all yet her mantra is “I’m fine” and yet she is the elephant in the room of “not fine”. I think it is the only way she feels safe and in control is to parrot she is fine.
Unfortunately, then she must declare and believe everyone else is fine, even when they aren’t, or situations are even when they aren’t.
She can’t comprehend why she is surrounded by people who to her present as over reactors and overly sensitive and hypochondriacs. The invalidation of all things creates quite the neurosis in the whole unit. While she is declaring everyone and herself fine she is pointing out everything wrong with you that she perceives in some horrid moral judgements that are just off base.
Eventually everyone has practiced um... social distancing”seems to be the current word... from her and she feels so hurt and rejected and claims there is something “wrong” with each and every one of us. But not her, she is fine.
But no one can break through. If one attempts at all to shine a light she goes off the deep end. It feels so unfixable.
And she feels so lonely and is now the victim queen and her whole family are strange and mean and just silly horrible abusive lazy stupid selfish wrong wrong wrong things.
I struggled... what Is this all my life. I’m 56. I came across borderline and thought that was it. Then female Autism. Yes, seems. But then I had the unfortunate audacity to suggest. I’m pretty sure I am now the walking dead in her book... so maybe Autism and Borderline? I do love her but it isn’t easy ❤️. She is surrounded by people who have tried so hard to convince her we love her but not for a day has she ever believed us. So, we all kinda gave up on trying. The. We try again
Your mother may have developed when young a strategy of telling herself over and overigens er that she is fine, might be in reaction to a cold unresponsive environment by one or both of the parents or oeople she lived with. My mother, in hindsight was most likely on the spectrum. Her mother was not warm and kind to her most of the time, she always got a lot of negative remarks from het mother and on top of that she was the wldest of 6 chuldren and was not at all acknowledged in her feelings and emotions. She had major difficulties in expressing her love, except when you were sick. She would say very negative things straight in your face when you cane to visit, barely said hello, but say things like what did you do with your hair it looks awful, or wht the heck are you wearing now! In a very harsh and very derogatory way. I think she also had difficulty to understand her own emotions because her own mother treated her more like a servant and was very harsh and unloving towards her. She adopted a stoic attitude, take it on the chin but i know from experience with myself that that can lead to not recognising your own emotions at all, lock them in a cupboard as a copiing mechanism to not fall apart. My.mother did however have a sense of justice and of what is fair. She realised she hadnt been the good mother she really thought she was. She was linky for the last 15byears of her life because we had trouble visiting her because she scolded us from the time we were toddlers and still was doing it even when we were adults.
Your mother seems to blame other people, that could be a sign of narcistic pers9nality disorder. People with this disorder are often manipulative and gaslight other people. They dont have much capacity to self reflect and think they are great and are very much entitled to manipulate and gaslight and use other people. There is a spectrum as well with that disorder, some people can be helped by psychological therapies, but often their ability to look inside themself is almost or totally non existent and that incapacity does not help with dealing with them and the increasing lonrliness and dissatisfaction with life they often experience as they grow older. It is not a common condition, not that many people have this condition. There are people whomare celf centred who do not have this condition of npd, yet non psychologically trained people often call such a person a narcisist. Same with manipulative people or people who gaslight others.
Becaiuse my mother had a good heart and really cared for her children, most of the time when she was so critical in the first few minutes of my visit, i would hug her and tell her and meaning it with all my heart: yes mother i love you too. It would unnerve her because she yearned to be hugged, at least thT is what i saw in her from when i was 3, but at the same time felt awkward when someone hugged her cause she got very few cuddles when ahe was young and also because of being on the autism spectrum, even though she was never diagnosed by an autism expert. She died in 1999 so i cant tell her now face to face my connclusion of her nor ask her about her not liking to be hugged.