Just my thought. But then I never figured it out. And btw. it is not a flowchart, it is a decision table or a status matrix. Now I want to make a state diagram ... going weid!
i guess Im randomly asking but does someone know of a trick to log back into an instagram account? I was dumb lost the password. I would love any assistance you can give me.
@@lucatripp7129 Click on “Forgot password” and follow the instructions. It’s built right in for people who legitimately own the account. I honestly have my doubts that this describes you though.
I feel like no woman has ever flirted with me. However, my wife claims that she notices women try to flirt with me, but I don't respond and I'm clueless.
Only one has with me and the result (months in bed with her) just made me feel like I'm missing out on life even more. Like this was last year and I'm 34.. But, people tell me that "I must have missed others"... but I really don't see it. I'm always "the friend". Really nice and everything but to date me or something? Laughable.
@@jeffrielly I have had that realization myself years ago with small talk. I just need to figure out how to not talk about myself so much. I've come to the conclusion that unless the conversation is cars, machines/tools, or camping/hiking..I don't really have much else to contribute in conversation except things about myself...
My way of "flirting" has always been showering the person with drawings, art, stories, things I've created, "mix tapes". INFO DUMPING A THING I LIKE sharing the MOST IMPORTANT thing in world to me with them. It's so embarrassing. jesus.
i have trouble flirting because sometimes I think, " but what if I dont have the right intentions? am I pursuing this person in a moral way? am I manipulating them to like me? how do I even know?" i probably sound insane haha
I just lost the last job and last friend in a very long long list of both...neither last more than about 6 months no matter what I've done. I am just now coming to the realization at 34 that I am not alone and this finally makes sense. I gave up on dating several years ago, but this makes me want to go out and start practising
If it makes you feel any better, I’m 50 and have lost more jobs and friends than I can count. I try dating than give up for a while, then try some more. I haven’t given up hope just yet, but I also don’t care as much as I used to. Hang in there, you’re not alone in this!
I’ve noticed it’s a lot easier if you have an inside joke with the other person, whether its source is a shared memory, a shared interest, anything that will make both people laugh. Laughing is good.
I am truly and utterly shocked at how much this has explained to me on my journey of accepting the reality that is my autism journey. I’m new to the aspergers side of TH-cam but hearing all of this stuff has really opened my eyes that there is a way to help me help myself. Thank you for doing TH-cam videos like this!
"If you don't have feedback you don't have a connection" - aspies can't read facial cues and don't like eye contact 👀 and half struggle to label their emotions
What I do is try to casually bring up my Autism during small talk and say something like "yeah, I suck at reading people" then most of the time their flirting becomes more overt
I don't know how to flirt. But sometimes people say that they think I'm flirting - this is when I'm just trying to be nice, compliment them, brighten their day, etc.. And when I do try to flirt, they don't like it. It's a losing battle. But at least we try - even though 99% of the time it ends in pain.
Anyone else get really strong emotions watching these.these videos are good.but I find them hard to watch they seem to remind me of all my mistakes,embarrassing moments,painful memories.missed opportunitys.I'm desperate to learn though so trying to force my way through them.keep up good work.
yes me too, same when I was watching love on the spectrum, I got very emotional. everyone says relationships are hard but it's a whole other layer of difficulty when you're missing cues and navigating all these unspoken rules that come with those first interactions
@@electrapoptart that one was so good. I cried too and also so much joy because I'm more certain that my boyfriend loves me and understand him a little better.
As a person with adhd, I make lots of mistakes too. Some I really regret, but mostly little things, and sometime the moment is gone and i may have missed an opportunity, but later I realized that if someone didn't have an the heart to give me a 2nd chance, I wouldn't have enjoyed being with them anyways. I do try to make plans to do better in the future which is why I really like these videos. At least we know now. My boyfriend has asbies and I wanted to understand him better so things will go more smoothly. I don't like frustrating him, so this info is very helpful. Maybe, not this video particularly, but many of the other ones. One things for sure, finding a good match is hard no matter what. I have NT friends who are very attractive and it still took them a while and a lot of duds to meet the right one... so, the big thing is finding someone with the patience and love to get past the awkward moments and see your heart. That's how my boyfriend hooked me. He's asbies and has the most lovely heart. I really enjoy talking to him. I also like his consistency, it makes me feel very secure and safe.
Always had trouble flirting with men. Not picked up that they were flirting. Or talking too intensely because I am 'on' and they think I am flirting when I am not!! Can just about grasp this video thank you.
I’m having anxiety before I’ve even watched the video! Like some other humans here my wife has pointed out many times when women are flirting with me, looks, expressions and body language but I am always clueless. Luckily for me my wife liked me enough to have her friends be very blunt and said “she wants you to kiss her man” it still took until she almost sat in my lap
@@drummonkeystuffuk1875 lol. If a girl kisses you, she likes you. If a girl is just being friendly with you and you like her enough to consider going out with her, ask her to coffee or to go for a walk in a public place. If you're already in a nice place to talk, then focus more on getting to know her as a person... if you were just making a fun point, sorry for explaining more. I did once end up with an asbies boyfriend because I was out drinking and dancing and we ended up kissing on the dance floor. I gave him my number and we ended up being very good friends. He was still in college and not ready for a serious relationship, but we did have fun together for a while. I had no idea about autism at the time. I did know he was different, but he had a good heart and no experience with girls until me. I enjoyed teaching him. We did have many awkward times but I've always appreciated people for who they are especially if they have a good heart. Plus I have my own share of awkward moments, taking people at their word even though I'm not on the spectrum, but I have adhd and a mind that wants to understand everything and everyone, so I always enjoy getting t know people.
To summarize: 1. Message sent but not received 2. Message sent and received 3. Message sent and received, plus sender gets a read receipt like with instant messenger. 4. Message sent, received, sender gets receipt and receiver knows sender has gotten the receipt. Does that make sense?
I showed my boyfriend this video and we've been dating for four years !!! hahaha He has Aspergers but he did okay at flirting in the past but these tips would have helped four years ago when we first met. Great video !!
2:21 "Whereas here, if you don't respond, if you give me the cold shoulder, it's a very very clear message that it's because you have chosen not to talk to me." It's a very very clear message to neurotypicals. But (as I'm sure you know), for a lot of us Aspies it's not clear at all why we didn't get that response. That's where the graphic breaks down. Sometimes we don't know it's a negative reaction, or misunderstand the reaction. We're never 100% sure. A lot of it is body language, and if you're body language deaf/insensitive, you're going to miss the exchanges. I once had a friend send me a cartoon that said "body language 101: how to tell if a girl likes you", and the picture was of a guy sitting at a bar, with a girl in a skirt sitting on his shoulders with his face between her legs. As Sheldon would say, "it's funny because it's true." Sometimes it has to be nearly that overt for some of us to get that the other person is interested. I'm 60 now and widowed, and flirting/male-female interaction is dead frightening, like a minefield I'm being forced to walk through blindfolded. I wish it was as easy as "hey here's this chart", but it's not. I usually choose to just stand still in the minefield rather than take that next step forward.
Depends on the situation! Even if you’re hanging out platonically, you could try something small like comparing hand sizes or asking to touch a tattoo on their arm, or just touching/hitting their arm playfully and see how they respond. If they recoil or stiffen you know not to do it again. If they move closer or reciprocate, they’re comfortable. If they escalate the touch, they’re definitely interested!
I'm going to binge watch your channel. At 35 I'm just figuring out who I am and why life has been difficult. Thank you!!!!!!you make alot of good points. Females flirt with me and most if the time I don't see it... someone later has to tell me she liked you...... thanks
I don't think I've ever been on level 3 or 4 with anyone in my life - including girlfriends. I've thought I was many times but I've often been mistaken and I am never 100% sure - probably more like 60% at best. And I've heard many people say it's a "mood killer" to ask for more "meta" feedback. I definitely also have a lot of traumas and issues that I need to work through. And for the first 30 years of my life I didn't understand that the word creepy kinda means "overstepping boundaries". I always knew it was a bad thing, but I grew up without boundaries and was never taught how they work or that they're very individual and that it's appropriate to test them in levels like you describe here. Thanks for laying it out like that, it sounds very useful.
Such a perfect fun topic. Thank you! My 13 year old is just getting interested in girls😉 This is useful to us NT's as well. You should offer your insights and courses to a broader audience as well👍
Yes, this is totally an aspie thing, but to be honest, I feel like it would be a great help to NT people as well. We all know the people who cross that "creepy" border and pay no attention to feedback and just keeping pushing boundaries because it's what they think is appropriate without waiting for anyone else's reactions to it... or simply ignoring their negative reactions.
I also didn't use to understand small talk or flirting. However, recently I developed newfound confidence where I have had the courage to do small talk and flirt with the ladies. This happened after my disastrous probationary period report at work. I learned by being observed at work that I needed to learn to control my energy levels, as I often seemed too laid back. I now practice a three-level smile from low, medium to high. Likewise, I have never really known how to smile appropriately, as I either did not smile or smiled too much or smiled at the wrong times. I have never been good at flirting and lacked confidence in small talk and didn't really understand it until now. Being observed at work and gaining feedback from my employer has helped me improve myself and apply these changes to my everyday life. I completely understand what you are explaining, I sometimes dry up, and I do not get a positive interest from the ladies. I gathered that at times like these I needed to ensure that I first said hello to them with eye contact and wait for their response before asking 'how are you?'. Not only that, but I also kind of scared them away if I Suddenly appeared to them and didn't give them a chance to respond. I am back to flirting properly again and receiving a positive response from the ladies. Practice makes good, and I am enjoying my newfound freedom.
I just came across this video by chance and have to say that it’s the first time that I have seen the art of flirting broken down into a flow chart 😂 As a non-autistic person the very concept seems inherently funny because the whole point of flirting is that it is so subtle and spontaneous. However, I think you have nailed it perfectly and I must say that I would never have even thought about it in such a step-by-step practical way. Brilliant 👏🏼👏🏼
What helps me is treating the other person as if they were the most interesting person in the world. You wanna try to match their level of energy tho and not interview them. Sprinkle in crumbs that they could ask you about in your responses. They don’t have to, but it’s helps them if the conversation is struggling. On the flip side, look for crumbs that other people sprinkle. Generally, people don’t bring up things they’re not comfortable talking about. So for example: Them: “I’m exhausted” You: “long day at work” Them: “nah, was just up late watching x on Netflix” If you’ve seen the show, you talk about it and how it reminds you of other shows. If you haven’t seen it, ask what it’s about, what they like about it, who’s in it, etc. Obviously this is a contrived example, but people sprinkle hints in their speech all the time.
This is great, and I think it could even be very helpful for me for communication in general, talking with coworkers, customers, bosses, etc. Question about touching, it often makes me uncomfortable but I know others value it, so what's the "physical touch" equivalent of small talk? What about eye contact? How do you test if it's welcome and if it's too much? I almost always feel like it's too much.
I think the “physical touch” equivalent is a light touch of fingers or fingers to forearm. It is soft, quick and can sometimes include eye contact. Also a soft brushing of your arm to theirs as you pass by.
a good trick I have learned to strike up a conversation is after the initial "helo, how are you" is to get the other person, or people to get them talk about themselves
I laughed so much at the opening scene showing the chart :-))). as a woman I am lucky that I don’t need to flirt - I can just say ‘I like you, do you like me?’. I loooove flirting as concept ehich is why I watch/read so many romcoms, but I am utterly incapable of it if I intended to do it - I prefer direct efficient communication and flirting is a subtle dance. Being open and talkative and bubbly however; my normal communication is iften taken for flirting. Great times! :-))))
Great piece of advice. When we are shy or inexperienced, we often come up with an attempt to flirt that is "too much". We immediately make big compliments, ask for a date or do something else without testing the waters.
best thing about analysis of anything for people who need it, is that it helps everyoneeee now people say ugh why this it just comes natural why make equations or algorithms what they fail to think about at the moment is they all blow it the first time and later pick it up unlike ASDs they dont pick it up but this can even help a ASD dad teach his kid who can even be typical and would breed something new i love it
This is excessively difficult. How can 1 discern from social convention from genuine interest? How can I know that something subtle is meaningless of not? None of this is fun, it's quite anxiety inducing and depressing at the same time. What if the person is deliberately trying to be deceptive or what if they are like that to everyone and ur no one special. I've never been diagnosed with being on the spectrum, but in 3 decades of life, I still can not grasp how we are just supposed to understand it...Unless the person specifically walks up and say's "hi' i find u attractive" , it seems near impossible to tell. Many people mold themselves to gender stereotypes...or seem to copy behaviors that dont' seem quite authentic to the individual, so it's immensely difficult telling the difference from a subtlety like " this woman is twirling her hair because she is bored" or " this woman is attracted to me" or " this woman is adopting a memetic stereotyped behavior and is performing that behavior because it is socially expected" or " this woman is trying to get someone else's attention"? How could one differentiate between a smile of interest, mockery or someone just being happy??? It's immensely frustrating and I am led to believe there was perhaps a flaw in our evolution, given that the so called courting rituals are excessive and overly embellished with unnecessary nuances that we are expected to just know without being educated gradually over time on such matters.... Rather , if there is a need, it is much simpler to pay for it, as there is no needing a magickal decoder ring to understand what the hell the other person is thinking....
have barely started watching this video but wanted to tell you this is exactly what i needed. Lately ive been low-key asking trusted friends little bits of into about this whole process because i just doesnt make sense to be so hopefully this will clear a lot of things up, i am sure it will!
Synaesthesia instead of eye contact and body language can help with learning the difference someone who is interested in you and someone who is just being friendly.
i've found flirting super hard because in-person the most confident I've been was...giving somebody a bunch of my possessions like it was nbd.....facepalm. plus i CANNOT manage text-convos, platonic or romantic. It just feels so thought/analysis heavy. When i talk to people in person, it's a lot of impulse and judging what the other person thinks/wants is not only difficult but avoided. i really appreciate that videos like this are out there
I used to go to lunch with a few women from work. They would always point out that guys were flirting with me, usually afterwards. I never, ever noticed this. I never understood that whole side of life. I had one good friend always on the lookout for guys and I never understood the interactions. Yes, I needed a chart and instructions :D.
I am 21 and I have a "normal" fashion taste, i follow all the modern trends and i am almost able to normaly communicate with others. But i just dont have even a little bit of luck when it comes to girls, they are not attracted to me, they are always just friends. It is frustrating and sad. I was in love three times and have never kissed a girl. So if you guys even get to this flirting part, you are lucky.
I quit flirting with women long time ago. I have come to terms with the fact that no woman would ever love me, so why even bother trying when all I get is rejection.
Problem: I don't realize I'm flirting... I'm just looking intently at people, trying to discern what they're saying... or I'm tilting my head to the side, smiling, thinking, this is such a nice person... and he starts taking it all wrong!!! I'm responding as sweetly as I know how, because that's the tone of voice that makes me feel safe... and he takes it completely wrong!!! I'm just scared of men. I don't understand them.
I know this is super late, but as a network engineering student I can't help but see the whole flirting flowchart like a two way handshake between a server and client, and yes I'm on the Spectrum. The whole analogue actually works quite well if you understand how Nmap and basic network connection to a website works
I found the work of Pick Up Artists to actually be quite helpful in this area. I went from being clueless about flirting to being consciously competent due to the work of Real Social Dynamics and the David DeAngelos DVD series. People have judgements about PUAs - and some of their judgements are entirely valid - but when it comes to breaking down the psychology behind human interaction, they've actually pushed the science forward. And with that science, and a lot of going out, trial-and-error, approaching women, getting constantly rejected, I came to a place of competence in this area. Aspies looking to get this area of their lives handled should overlook the stigma on PUAs and actually research their content.
I have never received a diagnosis for Aspergers. But I have wondered if I'm on the spectrum, and I can definitely relate to the fraught nature of flirting. I might feel different if I looked like, say, Michael Fassbender. But I most certainly do not, and can't just randomly wander up to a stranger and start flirting... or expect the same to happen to me. My approach to starting conversations is to talk about something beyond small talk, but the content should be appropriate for the context. And when I have been able to start a "dating" or similar relationship, it's usually because I know the person, and they make their interest very clear to me. Either that, or I meet someone online where we know there are some commonalities already... but then, when we do meet, the appropriateness of "making a move" also needs to be very clear before I do anything beyond hugging. And with friends, it's a no-starter initiating anything because I don't want to ruin the friendship. Of course, I have gotten the "she's interested and you don't know it" spiel from friends (and my mother many years ago), but it's very difficult for me to pursue unless the woman in question makes her interest very clear. I'm not sure if I've missed out on relationships because of all this, but I most definitely see too many pitfalls in flirting, given its very ephemeral nature.
This is an interesting topic and you are explaining it really well. In my experience, 95% of the time it was the woman who was trying to flirt with me and I had no idea. I have no way of knowing this obviously, but I reckon for every month I was single, I was probably flirted with maybe by two or three women a week. That's a lot of women. Obviously, when. I was taken I noticed even less. A woman who is flirting with you will change her behavior and her focus will be entirely on you.
As a man I don't initiate touch ever. Way to much risk considering I look like a viking. I accidentally stayed on the wrong level to long because I have self esteem issues and wasn't totally sure. The woman was very interested and oh did I get an ear full about not picking up signals. I was just excited that I thought I actually made a friend.
When seeking feedback from someone you have a relationship with and think might be ready for kissing...the kiss test...tuck a strand of hair behind their ear. If they pull away stop, if they hold still or lean in - kiss ; )
I'm no the worst looker,I do get some attention from woman,although I just freeze n don't know how to act.my awkwardness puts them off,I also stutter when I'm talking to someone I fancy I go really red faced.my last gf was 12 year ago ,I'm 32 it lasted 3 years.I'm a drug addict in recovery so I got a bit of confidence through that although I lost that woman through my drug taking and my behaviour.I'm 4 year in recovery eat right train hard in the best condition of my life and I still can't pull a gf due to a lack of confidence and self esteem.I joined college recently after only
Question: So I am a neurotypical girl attracted too a aspie so the aspie I like loves books thats his passion you could say recently he stopped making conversation but before he would walk in at random too the office and make conversation with me and he would talk about books at one point I told him I liked a specific type of book and gave me one he had as a gift but recently he stopped talking too me idk if I did something wrong sadly when I like someone I get very awkward and idk what too do I like him alot but I feel like did something wrong. Help plz :(
I obviously have no idea, BUT if I had to guess, I'd say that his change in behaviour probably has nothing to do with you. There are a million reasons why people get distracted or change priorities. I know for myself, that when something comes up, I often let other things (i would normally love) fall down. It's like there are too many juggling balls or something. So maybe this doesn't help much, but I would try not to read too much into his behaviour.
Aspergers from the Inside Thanks for quick reply .okay so thats what happened .btw Im glad I found your youtube I could finally know more about Aspies specially since I like a Aspie your videos will help me understand more about the Aspie I know great videos keep up the good work :) ,Thanks
Liz Salcido You have to be very direct with him. You need to ask him if he will go on a date with you. When you want to kiss, you have to tell him to kiss you. Also, when he's busy with his hobby, try not to distract him by talking to him when he's concentrating - this breaks his concentration and it is hard to get back on track again. You can interrupt once to see if he can break away. Or tell him you would like to talk to him when he's not busy. But don't interrupt him every two minutes with little blurbs. That's really annoying to an aspie who is trying to concentrate - it's like building a house of cards and you knock it down every time you poke him with a stick.
“You know that they know that you know that they know that you know!” Lol You know...? I know that They know that we know that ‘you know that they know that you know that they know that you know, ya know?
Thank you so much! This helped a lot in understanding what flirting even is! One question: how do you tell when someone is flirting with you? I've had a LOT of situations where people thought that we were flirting and I was totally clueless and just thought we were vibing/having an interesting conversation.. this has led to so many embarrassing, uncomfortable and even jarring experiences for me, and I hate that I can't tell. For now I'm basically avoiding responding to men I don't know out of fear they're flirting and I can't tell :( But I also don't like being rude if someone is just being friendly :(
When my crushes would say hi or try to engage in a conversation with me I would usually just ignore them because I’d get so nervous and I didn't know how to talk to them without embarrassing myself 😂😭
I get so confused sometimes because my boyfriend came on to me because he liked me, then after a while we started dating, and he does all of the things that everyone says people with Asperger's Syndrome won't do. He wants sex, intimacy, and is always showing me in so many ways that he cares for me greatly. I'm glad he does these things, but every story says Aspies don't lol.
well you have to remember every autistic person is different and we all sort of have different ways of expressing certain things for example i am very physically affectionate and i show that i care by taking detailed notes and remembering as much as i can about my partner so i can do little considerate actions for them
Oh shit! Now it makes sense. My patents (mostly my mom) never acknowledged having recieved my messages. She still does it today, and I'm 32. I tell her something, and she just keeps doing what she was doing without giving any sign, and gets angry when I ask if she's even listenning. And when she talks, she doesn't listen back, only uses my parts of the conversation to think what she'll say next. Did she ruin me? Edit: Oh, by the way, thanks for not actually giving any actual advice, only output requeriments. Guess that information is behind a paywall or something...
I am an autistic schizophrenic. I fear intimacy very much and I don't understand relationships at all. Rather than memorize this stuff and hope it works, I'd rather accept isolation. I don't need someone to love me.
I also tutor another one whos spectrum, the parents aren't sure where it all lies for her. She can become very fixated on one aspect of a math concept, so much so that she goes down the rabbit hole to pursue perfection to point of depression and exhaustion. Is there an easy (or hard) way to stop them pursuing the rabbit hole?
Me : doubting wether I am or not actually autistic. Also me: getting quite upset because he can't tell me what a flower will grow into when you can absolutely tell what a flower's species is by the seed.
Things have come to a point where I am in a state in which I believe no one is looking at me, there is this deep-seated feeling that this will never happen to me. And at 32, it has not yet.
I've never been interested in flirting, have never done it, at least not that I know of consciously. My difficulty has been getting flirted with. I have never read it well or quite understood it until afterwards, when I realized that my attemps to be polite and sociable (at a very depleting inner cost) were read as an encouraging response to the flirting. Hoo boy.... I find flirting of all kinds creepy and do NOT want to be flirted with. That accidental kind of falling into somebody else's flirting has happened often enough, though, that I am now sufficiently aware and better able to reject it pre-emptively by being, while not rude, at least more dry and businesslike, making less eye-contact, and presenting a more oblivious exterior.
I'm terrible at even what to do or how to act when I want to initiate flirting with someone. I'm also terrible at recognizing when someone else is flirting with me. I don't know if it's insecurities, the poor social skills, or both. A lot of times I either assume wrong and push when it's not welcome (which isn't as often since I'm more reserved), or I question and second guess only to find out what it was when it's too late and the other person has lost interest.
Then when you get flirting down, you have to learn dating. Then when you get dating down, you have to get maintaining a relationship. When you get maintaining a relationship down, nevermind. She ghosted you on the dating step, because you talk too much, interrupt, don't read indirect communication (which is 99% of a female's communication), and women expect you to cater 100% to them. It's too much of a bother for a woman to sacrifice for you when they can just date a non-autistic man who probably has a more stable career, and a better paycheck. The advantage of being autistic is if we embrace solitude, we can develop the spiritual side of ourselves like no others. Those Himalayan monks that meditate for months on end. We can get like that, because what else are we going to do all alone other than master skills, and learn 100x more than the average person?
So theres this girl i guess im friends with whenever we are together she randomly rubs my arm. Shes said before shes after friends and my brain is just thinking why you keep rubbing my arm then?
I would never even touch a man I wasn’t Interested in sexually. If she’s rubbing you she likes you unless you are besties and even then I still wouldn’t touch it because I wouldn’t want you to get the wrong idea. I am an NT that likes an Aspie
I'm still confused how to tell the difference between flirting and just being friendly. I have had times when I have tried to be friendly to guys i've met - forced small talk etc - but nothing ever comes from it. So how am i supposed to know - did they A. Just not like me or B. Not know i was interested ??? What is flirting? I can be friendly but that is the same way I talk with anyone - how do you flirt/show someone you're interested as more then friends. And how do you know if they like you or if they're just being friendly? I should just give up I think!
I’m p sure I’m autistic and my friends always tell me people are flirting w me when I think they’re just being friendly. Then sometimes people are overly friendly so I’ll start to think they’re flirting but they just wait be friends🤦🏻 I wish it was socially acceptable to just ask people what their intentions are because I’m a hoe but I’m a hoe w no social skills.😂 Every time I’ve gotten w someone it’s because I simply asked and it was like a business transaction 😂😂
I'm always paranoid that if I escalate the feedback I'll make the other person uncomfortable but I won't notice and then later she thinks I'm sexually harassing her. :'(
What happens when your not expecting touch and you are lost for words and don't know what to say and by the time you do its to late because they are gone and enough don't want to loose their friendship?
That can be ok. So long as it's quite general and not too over the top. Another easy, relatively safe, compliment is about someone's clothes. (again, not too specific - just the general vibe).
I haven`t dated in a very long time. I went out with a friend to my local pub and noticed a guy I liked, before you know it we were in conversation for hours, he was smiling I was smiling. We bought each other drinks and then I messed it up by going outside for 20 mins smoking cigarette after cigarette feeling overwhelmed coming back inside and ignoring him, even though I really liked him. I seem to go into panic mode when things are going well. (this might be because I feel vulnerable about them seeing behind my mask) The poor guy looked confused and I didn`t know what to say to make things better, resulting in him saying goodnight politely and leaving. Can anyone relate?
Some of US don't understand if someone is flirting with them VS being friendly. If someone is too subtle, or says that they have a partner, significant other, or wears a wedding ring(unless I know that they are polyamorous)...I assume that they are just being friendly flirty.🤷♀️ I have really liked someone before(had a boss that I was enamored with, and other guys that I thought were out of my league)...and been too unsure if I was reading the signs right, to act on it!😅🤦♀️🤷♀️ I am a NOT good at reading subtlety, and when I 'like you,' I will tell you! Ambiguity about someone's relationship status will keep me from interpreting or making a move, out of respect for people's relationships, and likewise if I'm interacting with the person in a professional setting. That being said...I wish that I could go back and do things differently with someone, but since I can't...when I paths cross again...I hope to God, that he is less subtle, and that I pick up on his communication signals.💜
I get how it's supposed to work, just that when it's happening I'm completely blind to it. Once I had a girl at a bar hang out with me till 4 in the morning, leaning on my shoulder, touching my face... All I thought at the time was 'huh, this is a pleasant conversation'
I left college after only 8 weeks through a limerance episode,I hate when I meet a good woman and I don't know what to do about it.it's side and heartbreak lol.
I've been told that a girl is flirting on me and I'm not picking up, what tricks can I learn. Not just dating, being out with people too. I really suck at this.
A flow chart for flirting might be the most Aspie thing I've ever seen. And I thank you for making it lol.
Just my thought. But then I never figured it out. And btw. it is not a flowchart, it is a decision table or a status matrix. Now I want to make a state diagram ... going weid!
Shhh. It’s working! 😂 Why question a good thing, right?
😂 I didn’t even realize this is very aspie lol I was so focused then this comment made me literally laugh out loud
i guess Im randomly asking but does someone know of a trick to log back into an instagram account?
I was dumb lost the password. I would love any assistance you can give me.
@@lucatripp7129 Click on “Forgot password” and follow the instructions. It’s built right in for people who legitimately own the account. I honestly have my doubts that this describes you though.
I feel like no woman has ever flirted with me. However, my wife claims that she notices women try to flirt with me, but I don't respond and I'm clueless.
You're telling me your wife never flirted with you?
Only one has with me and the result (months in bed with her) just made me feel like I'm missing out on life even more. Like this was last year and I'm 34.. But, people tell me that "I must have missed others"... but I really don't see it. I'm always "the friend". Really nice and everything but to date me or something? Laughable.
@@Rinesmyth That's what I was thinking lol
Same for me, just that I am a single woman.
Same!!
Yeah, small talk kills me because I get nervous and try to end the interaction quickly
a good trick with small talk is to try and get the other person to talk about themselves.
@@jeffrielly yeah, I like it now
I tend to notice a bit late then I kinda panic and freeze and do nothing...then the other person thinks I'm not interested.
@@jeffrielly I have had that realization myself years ago with small talk. I just need to figure out how to not talk about myself so much. I've come to the conclusion that unless the conversation is cars, machines/tools, or camping/hiking..I don't really have much else to contribute in conversation except things about myself...
My way of "flirting" has always been showering the person with drawings, art, stories, things I've created, "mix tapes". INFO DUMPING A THING I LIKE sharing the MOST IMPORTANT thing in world to me with them. It's so embarrassing. jesus.
Honestly, I think that's great.
I like all of those things lol
My Aspie bf does this, and I adore it. You’ll find someone who appreciates you for who you are; don’t change.
I've done the same thing several times throughout my life... Little to no response, I think it was them feeling the embarrassment.... Idk.
Yeah I do the same way I figure I'll be able to express myself way better with art than words so I just do that.
i have trouble flirting because sometimes I think, " but what if I dont have the right intentions? am I pursuing this person in a moral way? am I manipulating them to like me? how do I even know?"
i probably sound insane haha
No you are not, what you feel seems quite natural actually! You are not alone my friend!🤜🤛
Haha same here
You don't sound insane, you sound very considerate.
damn what's so bad about it. if someone wants to have sex with another person, why the hack is that a bad thing?
it's a compliment
I don’t even know how to flirt and when I’m being friendly and laughing, I guess people think I’m flirting. It’s all so confusing.
Amen to that! I wish I was as good at flirting as some people seem to think I am.
I just lost the last job and last friend in a very long long list of both...neither last more than about 6 months no matter what I've done. I am just now coming to the realization at 34 that I am not alone and this finally makes sense. I gave up on dating several years ago, but this makes me want to go out and start practising
practising is fun :)
Katherine Wilson… hey
7 years , this gives me no hop
If it makes you feel any better, I’m 50 and have lost more jobs and friends than I can count. I try dating than give up for a while, then try some more. I haven’t given up hope just yet, but I also don’t care as much as I used to. Hang in there, you’re not alone in this!
I would date you you're pretty
The problem I have is people think I'm reciprocating their flirting when I'm just smiling and being polite.
Kris yes! I am just trying to be friendly and return the “friendliness”!! I have gotten free coffee or fries or such and never knew why...
Yup me too! I just treat everyone with love and respect
Why is that a problem?
@@jellyfishi_ worst case scenario: someone likes you and you have to say "no."
Lol, in my life nobody have ever flirted with me. You are lucky
I’ve noticed it’s a lot easier if you have an inside joke with the other person, whether its source is a shared memory, a shared interest, anything that will make both people laugh. Laughing is good.
Huh huh huh! messing.
I am truly and utterly shocked at how much this has explained to me on my journey of accepting the reality that is my autism journey. I’m new to the aspergers side of TH-cam but hearing all of this stuff has really opened my eyes that there is a way to help me help myself. Thank you for doing TH-cam videos like this!
That's amazing. Glad you find it useful! :)
"If you don't have feedback you don't have a connection" - aspies can't read facial cues and don't like eye contact 👀 and half struggle to label their emotions
That's me
What I do is try to casually bring up my Autism during small talk and say something like "yeah, I suck at reading people" then most of the time their flirting becomes more overt
After 31 years of living, I think I finally understood what flirting even is! Thanks a million for this video!
I don't know how to flirt. But sometimes people say that they think I'm flirting - this is when I'm just trying to be nice, compliment them, brighten their day, etc.. And when I do try to flirt, they don't like it. It's a losing battle. But at least we try - even though 99% of the time it ends in pain.
Anyone else get really strong emotions watching these.these videos are good.but I find them hard to watch they seem to remind me of all my mistakes,embarrassing moments,painful memories.missed opportunitys.I'm desperate to learn though so trying to force my way through them.keep up good work.
yes me too, same when I was watching love on the spectrum, I got very emotional. everyone says relationships are hard but it's a whole other layer of difficulty when you're missing cues and navigating all these unspoken rules that come with those first interactions
@@electrapoptart that one was so good. I cried too and also so much joy because I'm more certain that my boyfriend loves me and understand him a little better.
As a person with adhd, I make lots of mistakes too. Some I really regret, but mostly little things, and sometime the moment is gone and i may have missed an opportunity, but later I realized that if someone didn't have an the heart to give me a 2nd chance, I wouldn't have enjoyed being with them anyways.
I do try to make plans to do better in the future which is why I really like these videos. At least we know now.
My boyfriend has asbies and I wanted to understand him better so things will go more smoothly. I don't like frustrating him, so this info is very helpful. Maybe, not this video particularly, but many of the other ones.
One things for sure, finding a good match is hard no matter what. I have NT friends who are very attractive and it still took them a while and a lot of duds to meet the right one... so, the big thing is finding someone with the patience and love to get past the awkward moments and see your heart. That's how my boyfriend hooked me. He's asbies and has the most lovely heart. I really enjoy talking to him. I also like his consistency, it makes me feel very secure and safe.
Always had trouble flirting with men. Not picked up that they were flirting. Or talking too intensely because I am 'on' and they think I am flirting when I am not!! Can just about grasp this video thank you.
I’m having anxiety before I’ve even watched the video! Like some other humans here my wife has pointed out many times when women are flirting with me, looks, expressions and body language but I am always clueless. Luckily for me my wife liked me enough to have her friends be very blunt and said “she wants you to kiss her man” it still took until she almost sat in my lap
Lucky lucky lucky
Not everyone is as lucky
In all fairness, a girl could be constantly hugging me, even kissing etc..I still wouldn't catch onto whats happening until its too late.
@@drummonkeystuffuk1875 lol. If a girl kisses you, she likes you. If a girl is just being friendly with you and you like her enough to consider going out with her, ask her to coffee or to go for a walk in a public place. If you're already in a nice place to talk, then focus more on getting to know her as a person... if you were just making a fun point, sorry for explaining more.
I did once end up with an asbies boyfriend because I was out drinking and dancing and we ended up kissing on the dance floor. I gave him my number and we ended up being very good friends. He was still in college and not ready for a serious relationship, but we did have fun together for a while. I had no idea about autism at the time. I did know he was different, but he had a good heart and no experience with girls until me. I enjoyed teaching him. We did have many awkward times but I've always appreciated people for who they are especially if they have a good heart.
Plus I have my own share of awkward moments, taking people at their word even though I'm not on the spectrum, but I have adhd and a mind that wants to understand everything and everyone, so I always enjoy getting t know people.
To summarize:
1. Message sent but not received
2. Message sent and received
3. Message sent and received, plus sender gets a read receipt like with instant messenger.
4. Message sent, received, sender gets receipt and receiver knows sender has gotten the receipt.
Does that make sense?
Sure. That´s what Paul said.
reminds me of handshaking in the Transmission Control Protocol in networks, we had to do it in A level computer science
I showed my boyfriend this video and we've been dating for four years !!! hahaha
He has Aspergers but he did okay at flirting in the past but these tips would have helped four years ago when we first met. Great video !!
Thanks! Glad you found it helpful :)
I have e it too and when I flirt it's like a plan
@@xivwords5448 sad
2:21 "Whereas here, if you don't respond, if you give me the cold shoulder, it's a very very clear message that it's because you have chosen not to talk to me." It's a very very clear message to neurotypicals. But (as I'm sure you know), for a lot of us Aspies it's not clear at all why we didn't get that response. That's where the graphic breaks down. Sometimes we don't know it's a negative reaction, or misunderstand the reaction. We're never 100% sure. A lot of it is body language, and if you're body language deaf/insensitive, you're going to miss the exchanges.
I once had a friend send me a cartoon that said "body language 101: how to tell if a girl likes you", and the picture was of a guy sitting at a bar, with a girl in a skirt sitting on his shoulders with his face between her legs. As Sheldon would say, "it's funny because it's true." Sometimes it has to be nearly that overt for some of us to get that the other person is interested.
I'm 60 now and widowed, and flirting/male-female interaction is dead frightening, like a minefield I'm being forced to walk through blindfolded. I wish it was as easy as "hey here's this chart", but it's not. I usually choose to just stand still in the minefield rather than take that next step forward.
An entanglement-based wavelength-multiplexed quantum communication network.
Yes I totally loved Paul's take on the energy connection.
If i touched someone to try to make advances in the interaction then I would probably catch harassment charges.
Only if they don't like it
@@adolfhipsteryolocaust3443 Girls think im creepy. I know they wont like it
Depends on the situation! Even if you’re hanging out platonically, you could try something small like comparing hand sizes or asking to touch a tattoo on their arm, or just touching/hitting their arm playfully and see how they respond.
If they recoil or stiffen you know not to do it again. If they move closer or reciprocate, they’re comfortable. If they escalate the touch, they’re definitely interested!
You have a great smile!! Thx
:)
This is too complicated. I won't try this anymore. Instead I chose easier tasks, like how to create new life with science.
Everything is too complicated at first. Give it a chance.
I'm going to binge watch your channel. At 35 I'm just figuring out who I am and why life has been difficult. Thank you!!!!!!you make alot of good points. Females flirt with me and most if the time I don't see it... someone later has to tell me she liked you...... thanks
I don't think I've ever been on level 3 or 4 with anyone in my life - including girlfriends. I've thought I was many times but I've often been mistaken and I am never 100% sure - probably more like 60% at best. And I've heard many people say it's a "mood killer" to ask for more "meta" feedback. I definitely also have a lot of traumas and issues that I need to work through. And for the first 30 years of my life I didn't understand that the word creepy kinda means "overstepping boundaries". I always knew it was a bad thing, but I grew up without boundaries and was never taught how they work or that they're very individual and that it's appropriate to test them in levels like you describe here. Thanks for laying it out like that, it sounds very useful.
Such a perfect fun topic. Thank you! My 13 year old is just getting interested in girls😉 This is useful to us NT's as well. You should offer your insights and courses to a broader audience as well👍
as an INTJ watching this video has made me feel like I have learned an alien language
Yes, this is totally an aspie thing, but to be honest, I feel like it would be a great help to NT people as well. We all know the people who cross that "creepy" border and pay no attention to feedback and just keeping pushing boundaries because it's what they think is appropriate without waiting for anyone else's reactions to it... or simply ignoring their negative reactions.
I also didn't use to understand small talk or flirting. However, recently I developed newfound confidence where I have had the courage to do small talk and flirt with the ladies. This happened after my disastrous probationary period report at work. I learned by being observed at work that I needed to learn to control my energy levels, as I often seemed too laid back. I now practice a three-level smile from low, medium to high. Likewise, I have never really known how to smile appropriately, as I either did not smile or smiled too much or smiled at the wrong times. I have never been good at flirting and lacked confidence in small talk and didn't really understand it until now. Being observed at work and gaining feedback from my employer has helped me improve myself and apply these changes to my everyday life. I completely understand what you are explaining, I sometimes dry up, and I do not get a positive interest from the ladies. I gathered that at times like these I needed to ensure that I first said hello to them with eye contact and wait for their response before asking 'how are you?'. Not only that, but I also kind of scared them away if I Suddenly appeared to them and didn't give them a chance to respond. I am back to flirting properly again and receiving a positive response from the ladies. Practice makes good, and I am enjoying my newfound freedom.
I just came across this video by chance and have to say that it’s the first time that I have seen the art of flirting broken down into a flow chart 😂 As a non-autistic person the very concept seems inherently funny because the whole point of flirting is that it is so subtle and spontaneous. However, I think you have nailed it perfectly and I must say that I would never have even thought about it in such a step-by-step practical way. Brilliant 👏🏼👏🏼
This video made me learn the most about what it might feel like to be aspie than any other. It's very informative and heart warming 🥰
Data from Star Trek used this practical guide to write his flirting subroutine.
@Fred .Flintstone = re: "Data from Star Trek" = Ohhhh You Are SOOOO Funny!!! (Not!)
What helps me is treating the other person as if they were the most interesting person in the world. You wanna try to match their level of energy tho and not interview them.
Sprinkle in crumbs that they could ask you about in your responses. They don’t have to, but it’s helps them if the conversation is struggling.
On the flip side, look for crumbs that other people sprinkle. Generally, people don’t bring up things they’re not comfortable talking about. So for example:
Them: “I’m exhausted”
You: “long day at work”
Them: “nah, was just up late watching x on Netflix”
If you’ve seen the show, you talk about it and how it reminds you of other shows. If you haven’t seen it, ask what it’s about, what they like about it, who’s in it, etc.
Obviously this is a contrived example, but people sprinkle hints in their speech all the time.
Paul you're clever!
Love the Aspie, & ASD world!
This is great, and I think it could even be very helpful for me for communication in general, talking with coworkers, customers, bosses, etc.
Question about touching, it often makes me uncomfortable but I know others value it, so what's the "physical touch" equivalent of small talk? What about eye contact? How do you test if it's welcome and if it's too much? I almost always feel like it's too much.
Parker Matheson I guess "high-five fingers slaps" are good.
I think the “physical touch” equivalent is a light touch of fingers or fingers to forearm. It is soft, quick and can sometimes include eye contact. Also a soft brushing of your arm to theirs as you pass by.
I just do this: th-cam.com/video/0eH9vh_lvb4/w-d-xo.html
a good trick I have learned to strike up a conversation is after the initial "helo, how are you" is to get the other person, or people to get them talk about themselves
I laughed so much at the opening scene showing the chart :-))). as a woman I am lucky that I don’t need to flirt - I can just say ‘I like you, do you like me?’. I loooove flirting as concept ehich is why I watch/read so many romcoms, but I am utterly incapable of it if I intended to do it - I prefer direct efficient communication and flirting is a subtle dance. Being open and talkative and bubbly however; my normal communication is iften taken for flirting. Great times! :-))))
Great piece of advice. When we are shy or inexperienced, we often come up with an attempt to flirt that is "too much". We immediately make big compliments, ask for a date or do something else without testing the waters.
best thing about analysis of anything for people who need it, is that it helps everyoneeee now people say ugh why this it just comes natural why make equations or algorithms
what they fail to think about at the moment is they all blow it the first time and later pick it up unlike ASDs they dont pick it up but this can even help a ASD dad teach his kid who can even be typical and would breed something new i love it
Iv been working on my eye contact and I think its being interpreted as flirting . I don't mind
This is excessively difficult. How can 1 discern from social convention from genuine interest? How can I know that something subtle is meaningless of not? None of this is fun, it's quite anxiety inducing and depressing at the same time. What if the person is deliberately trying to be deceptive or what if they are like that to everyone and ur no one special.
I've never been diagnosed with being on the spectrum, but in 3 decades of life, I still can not grasp how we are just supposed to understand it...Unless the person specifically walks up and say's "hi' i find u attractive" , it seems near impossible to tell. Many people mold themselves to gender stereotypes...or seem to copy behaviors that dont' seem quite authentic to the individual, so it's immensely difficult telling the difference from a subtlety like " this woman is twirling her hair because she is bored" or " this woman is attracted to me" or " this woman is adopting a memetic stereotyped behavior and is performing that behavior because it is socially expected" or " this woman is trying to get someone else's attention"?
How could one differentiate between a smile of interest, mockery or someone just being happy???
It's immensely frustrating and I am led to believe there was perhaps a flaw in our evolution, given that the so called courting rituals are excessive and overly embellished with unnecessary nuances that we are expected to just know without being educated gradually over time on such matters....
Rather , if there is a need, it is much simpler to pay for it, as there is no needing a magickal decoder ring to understand what the hell the other person is thinking....
have barely started watching this video but wanted to tell you this is exactly what i needed. Lately ive been low-key asking trusted friends little bits of into about this whole process because i just doesnt make sense to be so hopefully this will clear a lot of things up, i am sure it will!
i laughed with this video, because i don’t really get flirting and i thought it was more complex, thank you 🙏
Synaesthesia instead of eye contact and body language can help with learning the difference someone who is interested in you and someone who is just being friendly.
i've found flirting super hard because in-person the most confident I've been was...giving somebody a bunch of my possessions like it was nbd.....facepalm. plus i CANNOT manage text-convos, platonic or romantic. It just feels so thought/analysis heavy. When i talk to people in person, it's a lot of impulse and judging what the other person thinks/wants is not only difficult but avoided. i really appreciate that videos like this are out there
I used to go to lunch with a few women from work. They would always point out that guys were flirting with me, usually afterwards. I never, ever noticed this. I never understood that whole side of life. I had one good friend always on the lookout for guys and I never understood the interactions. Yes, I needed a chart and instructions :D.
I am 21 and I have a "normal" fashion taste, i follow all the modern trends and i am almost able to normaly communicate with others. But i just dont have even a little bit of luck when it comes to girls, they are not attracted to me, they are always just friends. It is frustrating and sad. I was in love three times and have never kissed a girl. So if you guys even get to this flirting part, you are lucky.
Still goes over my head. 😔
I don't even try anymore because it never works anyway.
I quit flirting with women long time ago. I have come to terms with the fact that no woman would ever love me, so why even bother trying when all I get is rejection.
Acceptance is key
Man, you are a whole other level of brilliant!. I'm not kidding you...
This is bloody brilliant!!!!
Problem: I don't realize I'm flirting... I'm just looking intently at people, trying to discern what they're saying... or I'm tilting my head to the side, smiling, thinking, this is such a nice person... and he starts taking it all wrong!!! I'm responding as sweetly as I know how, because that's the tone of voice that makes me feel safe... and he takes it completely wrong!!! I'm just scared of men. I don't understand them.
I know this is super late, but as a network engineering student I can't help but see the whole flirting flowchart like a two way handshake between a server and client, and yes I'm on the Spectrum. The whole analogue actually works quite well if you understand how Nmap and basic network connection to a website works
I found the work of Pick Up Artists to actually be quite helpful in this area. I went from being clueless about flirting to being consciously competent due to the work of Real Social Dynamics and the David DeAngelos DVD series. People have judgements about PUAs - and some of their judgements are entirely valid - but when it comes to breaking down the psychology behind human interaction, they've actually pushed the science forward. And with that science, and a lot of going out, trial-and-error, approaching women, getting constantly rejected, I came to a place of competence in this area. Aspies looking to get this area of their lives handled should overlook the stigma on PUAs and actually research their content.
I have never received a diagnosis for Aspergers. But I have wondered if I'm on the spectrum, and I can definitely relate to the fraught nature of flirting. I might feel different if I looked like, say, Michael Fassbender. But I most certainly do not, and can't just randomly wander up to a stranger and start flirting... or expect the same to happen to me. My approach to starting conversations is to talk about something beyond small talk, but the content should be appropriate for the context. And when I have been able to start a "dating" or similar relationship, it's usually because I know the person, and they make their interest very clear to me. Either that, or I meet someone online where we know there are some commonalities already... but then, when we do meet, the appropriateness of "making a move" also needs to be very clear before I do anything beyond hugging. And with friends, it's a no-starter initiating anything because I don't want to ruin the friendship. Of course, I have gotten the "she's interested and you don't know it" spiel from friends (and my mother many years ago), but it's very difficult for me to pursue unless the woman in question makes her interest very clear. I'm not sure if I've missed out on relationships because of all this, but I most definitely see too many pitfalls in flirting, given its very ephemeral nature.
This is an interesting topic and you are explaining it really well. In my experience, 95% of the time it was the woman who was trying to flirt with me and I had no idea. I have no way of knowing this obviously, but I reckon for every month I was single, I was probably flirted with maybe by two or three women a week. That's a lot of women. Obviously, when. I was taken I noticed even less.
A woman who is flirting with you will change her behavior and her focus will be entirely on you.
Your channel is so interesting and practical and I'm so grateful to have found this! Thanks bro!
As a man I don't initiate touch ever. Way to much risk considering I look like a viking. I accidentally stayed on the wrong level to long because I have self esteem issues and wasn't totally sure. The woman was very interested and oh did I get an ear full about not picking up signals. I was just excited that I thought I actually made a friend.
When seeking feedback from someone you have a relationship with and think might be ready for kissing...the kiss test...tuck a strand of hair behind their ear. If they pull away stop, if they hold still or lean in - kiss ; )
I'm no the worst looker,I do get some attention from woman,although I just freeze n don't know how to act.my awkwardness puts them off,I also stutter when I'm talking to someone I fancy I go really red faced.my last gf was 12 year ago ,I'm 32 it lasted 3 years.I'm a drug addict in recovery so I got a bit of confidence through that although I lost that woman through my drug taking and my behaviour.I'm 4 year in recovery eat right train hard in the best condition of my life and I still can't pull a gf due to a lack of confidence and self esteem.I joined college recently after only
This is amazing! What a great explanation.
Question: So I am a neurotypical girl attracted too a aspie so the aspie I like loves books thats his passion you could say recently he stopped making conversation but before he would walk in at random too the office and make conversation with me and he would talk about books at one point I told him I liked a specific type of book and gave me one he had as a gift but recently he stopped talking too me idk if I did something wrong sadly when I like someone I get very awkward and idk what too do I like him alot but I feel like did something wrong. Help plz :(
I obviously have no idea, BUT if I had to guess, I'd say that his change in behaviour probably has nothing to do with you. There are a million reasons why people get distracted or change priorities. I know for myself, that when something comes up, I often let other things (i would normally love) fall down. It's like there are too many juggling balls or something. So maybe this doesn't help much, but I would try not to read too much into his behaviour.
Aspergers from the Inside Thanks for quick reply .okay so thats what happened .btw Im glad I found your youtube I could finally know more about Aspies specially since I like a Aspie your videos will help me understand more about the Aspie I know great videos keep up the good work :) ,Thanks
Liz Salcido You have to be very direct with him. You need to ask him if he will go on a date with you. When you want to kiss, you have to tell him to kiss you. Also, when he's busy with his hobby, try not to distract him by talking to him when he's concentrating - this breaks his concentration and it is hard to get back on track again. You can interrupt once to see if he can break away. Or tell him you would like to talk to him when he's not busy. But don't interrupt him every two minutes with little blurbs. That's really annoying to an aspie who is trying to concentrate - it's like building a house of cards and you knock it down every time you poke him with a stick.
I clicked on this video for entertainment but it was actually *incredibly* helpful 😂 thank!
“You know that they know that you know that they know that you know!” Lol
You know...? I know that They know that we know that ‘you know that they know that you know that they know that you know, ya know?
you know?
Yes, when knowing has overthought itself.
Can i just give up ?
Jacques i did. I needed to learn how to handle that. I put all my energy into myself and my interests.
This video was confusing. It was a jumble of "I know that you know that they know that you know how you know."
Thank you so much! This helped a lot in understanding what flirting even is!
One question: how do you tell when someone is flirting with you? I've had a LOT of situations where people thought that we were flirting and I was totally clueless and just thought we were vibing/having an interesting conversation.. this has led to so many embarrassing, uncomfortable and even jarring experiences for me, and I hate that I can't tell. For now I'm basically avoiding responding to men I don't know out of fear they're flirting and I can't tell :( But I also don't like being rude if someone is just being friendly :(
When my crushes would say hi or try to engage in a conversation with me I would usually just ignore them because I’d get so nervous and I didn't know how to talk to them without embarrassing myself 😂😭
Interesting video. Thank you for sharing this information. Good tips
I'm more confused than before
I get so confused sometimes because my boyfriend came on to me because he liked me, then after a while we started dating, and he does all of the things that everyone says people with Asperger's Syndrome won't do. He wants sex, intimacy, and is always showing me in so many ways that he cares for me greatly. I'm glad he does these things, but every story says Aspies don't lol.
well you have to remember every autistic person is different and we all sort of have different ways of expressing certain things for example i am very physically affectionate and i show that i care by taking detailed notes and remembering as much as i can about my partner so i can do little considerate actions for them
Oh shit!
Now it makes sense.
My patents (mostly my mom) never acknowledged having recieved my messages.
She still does it today, and I'm 32.
I tell her something, and she just keeps doing what she was doing without giving any sign, and gets angry when I ask if she's even listenning.
And when she talks, she doesn't listen back, only uses my parts of the conversation to think what she'll say next.
Did she ruin me?
Edit:
Oh, by the way, thanks for not actually giving any actual advice, only output requeriments.
Guess that information is behind a paywall or something...
I am an autistic schizophrenic.
I fear intimacy very much and I don't understand relationships at all.
Rather than memorize this stuff and hope it works, I'd rather accept isolation.
I don't need someone to love me.
I also tutor another one whos spectrum, the parents aren't sure where it all lies for her. She can become very fixated on one aspect of a math concept, so much so that she goes down the rabbit hole to pursue perfection to point of depression and exhaustion. Is there an easy (or hard) way to stop them pursuing the rabbit hole?
Me : doubting wether I am or not actually autistic. Also me: getting quite upset because he can't tell me what a flower will grow into when you can absolutely tell what a flower's species is by the seed.
happens all the time
I don’t know that anyone knows that I know what I know that they know
Things have come to a point where I am in a state in which I believe no one is looking at me, there is this deep-seated feeling that this will never happen to me. And at 32, it has not yet.
That's a good video. Too bad I watched it now and not many years ago.
I've never been interested in flirting, have never done it, at least not that I know of consciously. My difficulty has been getting flirted with. I have never read it well or quite understood it until afterwards, when I realized that my attemps to be polite and sociable (at a very depleting inner cost) were read as an encouraging response to the flirting. Hoo boy.... I find flirting of all kinds creepy and do NOT want to be flirted with. That accidental kind of falling into somebody else's flirting has happened often enough, though, that I am now sufficiently aware and better able to reject it pre-emptively by being, while not rude, at least more dry and businesslike, making less eye-contact, and presenting a more oblivious exterior.
I'm terrible at even what to do or how to act when I want to initiate flirting with someone. I'm also terrible at recognizing when someone else is flirting with me. I don't know if it's insecurities, the poor social skills, or both. A lot of times I either assume wrong and push when it's not welcome (which isn't as often since I'm more reserved), or I question and second guess only to find out what it was when it's too late and the other person has lost interest.
Is it always ok to go up to someone and start a conversatioh?
This has been the most difficult and frustrating part of life. Hopefully I can still learn and figure this mystery out. 🤷🏼♀️
Then when you get flirting down, you have to learn dating. Then when you get dating down, you have to get maintaining a relationship. When you get maintaining a relationship down, nevermind. She ghosted you on the dating step, because you talk too much, interrupt, don't read indirect communication (which is 99% of a female's communication), and women expect you to cater 100% to them. It's too much of a bother for a woman to sacrifice for you when they can just date a non-autistic man who probably has a more stable career, and a better paycheck.
The advantage of being autistic is if we embrace solitude, we can develop the spiritual side of ourselves like no others. Those Himalayan monks that meditate for months on end. We can get like that, because what else are we going to do all alone other than master skills, and learn 100x more than the average person?
Great video, exactly what I needed!
So theres this girl i guess im friends with whenever we are together she randomly rubs my arm. Shes said before shes after friends and my brain is just thinking why you keep rubbing my arm then?
I would never even touch a man I wasn’t Interested in sexually. If she’s rubbing you she likes you unless you are besties and even then I still wouldn’t touch it because I wouldn’t want you to get the wrong idea.
I am an NT that likes an Aspie
I'm still confused how to tell the difference between flirting and just being friendly. I have had times when I have tried to be friendly to guys i've met - forced small talk etc - but nothing ever comes from it. So how am i supposed to know - did they A. Just not like me or B. Not know i was interested ??? What is flirting? I can be friendly but that is the same way I talk with anyone - how do you flirt/show someone you're interested as more then friends. And how do you know if they like you or if they're just being friendly?
I should just give up I think!
I’m p sure I’m autistic and my friends always tell me people are flirting w me when I think they’re just being friendly. Then sometimes people are overly friendly so I’ll start to think they’re flirting but they just wait be friends🤦🏻 I wish it was socially acceptable to just ask people what their intentions are because I’m a hoe but I’m a hoe w no social skills.😂 Every time I’ve gotten w someone it’s because I simply asked and it was like a business transaction 😂😂
I'm always paranoid that if I escalate the feedback I'll make the other person uncomfortable but I won't notice and then later she thinks I'm sexually harassing her. :'(
What happens when your not expecting touch and you are lost for words and don't know what to say and by the time you do its to late because they are gone and enough don't want to loose their friendship?
I'm like: I do not know how to flirt so I do compliment directly haha more easy. Like: You look good today...
juncodelrio15 i dont know how to flirt at all
That can be ok. So long as it's quite general and not too over the top.
Another easy, relatively safe, compliment is about someone's clothes. (again, not too specific - just the general vibe).
Thanks.
I do understand you
I don't know why but I always end up talking about something sexual waaaay too early and then guys see you as an easy target.
I haven`t dated in a very long time. I went out with a friend to my local pub and noticed a guy I liked, before you know it we were in conversation for hours, he was smiling I was smiling. We bought each other drinks and then I messed it up by going outside for 20 mins smoking cigarette after cigarette feeling overwhelmed coming back inside and ignoring him, even though I really liked him. I seem to go into panic mode when things are going well. (this might be because I feel vulnerable about them seeing behind my mask) The poor guy looked confused and I didn`t know what to say to make things better, resulting in him saying goodnight politely and leaving. Can anyone relate?
Why do i always have the perfect reply after the interaction is over ?
😂 Helo... Thats exactly what he says... And i know exactly what it means. And when i acknowledge his helo, i can see the joy in his eyes.
Some of US don't understand if someone is flirting with them VS being friendly. If someone is too subtle, or says that they have a partner, significant other, or wears a wedding ring(unless I know that they are polyamorous)...I assume that they are just being friendly flirty.🤷♀️ I
have really liked someone before(had a boss that I was enamored with, and other guys that I thought were out of my league)...and been too unsure if I was reading the signs right, to act on it!😅🤦♀️🤷♀️ I am a NOT good at reading subtlety, and when I 'like you,' I will tell you! Ambiguity about someone's relationship status will keep me from interpreting or making a move, out of respect for people's relationships, and likewise if I'm interacting with the person in a professional setting. That being said...I wish that I could go back and do things differently with someone, but since I can't...when I paths cross again...I hope to God, that he is less subtle, and that I pick up on his communication signals.💜
I get how it's supposed to work, just that when it's happening I'm completely blind to it. Once I had a girl at a bar hang out with me till 4 in the morning, leaning on my shoulder, touching my face... All I thought at the time was 'huh, this is a pleasant conversation'
That's great, but how can you tell if someone's flirting with you or is just being friendly?
I just assume they're all being friendly. As if they are flriting with me for a romantic interest - that no longer computes in my head.
I left college after only 8 weeks through a limerance episode,I hate when I meet a good woman and I don't know what to do about it.it's side and heartbreak lol.
really the arrows should be moving upward - one escalates the other meets, ignores, or escalates further
This made me realize I have fundamentally misunderstood what flirting actually *is* from the beginning...
I've been told that a girl is flirting on me and I'm not picking up, what tricks can I learn.
Not just dating, being out with people too. I really suck at this.
I shot my shot with my husband (ASD). The first day we met we danced, and when I put my head on his chest he felt like home.❤