I don't need to be rude but in your case they might not have even diagnosed you with autism when you were younger. It's a very misunderstood condition and often people just get diagnosed with bipolar ADHD borderline etc. the flavor of the month is at the time instead of what it actually is
When I was really little, either before I was diagnosed or not long after, we had this assignment in school called "bird writings", which was where the teacher wrote a paragraph about a particular bird species and we were all supposed to copy it down, which was difficult for us because we were still learning to read and write, and I hated bird writings, which I made extremely clear whenever the subject came up. Well, one day I had been away from the classroom for some reason or other, and when I came back the teacher was getting me situated and she said, "Do you want to work on your bird writings?" Now, if she had simply said "Work on your bird writings" I maybe would have fought her on it and maybe I would have just quietly done what I was told, but I would have understood that I was being ordered to work on my bird writings, but since she said "Do you want to work on your bird writings?", I took it that she was asking if I wanted to, and I thought that was kind of a stupid question because I had repeatedly made it clear that I hated bird writings, so I angrily said "NO!" and she interpreted this as me refusing to do my classwork and I got in trouble for it.
She sounds like a dumbass - she asked the question in a passive-aggressive way and got mad when you "misunderstood" her, but really she miscommunicated. I would have understood what she meant, but even I would have been pissed off by her passive-aggressiveness. My favorite way to handle passive-aggressive people is to take them literally on purpose so that they are forced to say what they actually want and mean. And that's coming from a NT.
I have the same basic reaction at the grocery store when the self checkout machine asks if I want to buy a bag. The answer is no, I don't want to buy a bag, I want to take the bag and use it. Obviously, I'm stuck lying and saying that I want the bag because they're taxed around here and it would be problematic to take without paying the tax, but it irritates me to no end.
I can relate to that. I wonder if I should be diagnosed with something. I think I've hurt a lot of women's feelings with whole flirting thing and a lot of people's feelings in general with the whole small talk thing.
Whenever my dad wants me to do something for him, he sends a text "what are the chances I could get you to do something for me?" My aspie brain cannot process all the levels of this statement. Why is he asking ME what the chances/probability is of HIM convincing me to do something? I can either do something or not, so from my perspective the chances are 100 or 0, depending on all the other factors. If he wants to know if I WILL do it, he could just ask "could you do it" and I'd say yes or no. I'd say the chances of him getting me to do it depend on what it is, when he wants it, an innumerable amount of other factors. Even now that I know that I should translate his statement into something like "are you willing/able to do something", with the assumption that I will ask for details that he would then supply, it still sends my head spinning every time he says it.
Yes this is exactly the type of scenario that I find frustrating, I am not bad at understanding that phrases and sayings are not literal, in fact I find them fun, but if someone is trying to convey a message or especially ask me a question and it is not direct (or to use a phrase - they are 'beating round the bush' 😉) I can get very distressed.
There are some things that nobody ever seems to explain to kids growing up because most people assume that everyone already automatically understands. The relative few who don’t automatically understand are then left struggling to figure out how everyone else knows so much that they don’t and are then often treated like they are simple-minded for not getting something they would have gotten had anyone ever bothered to tell them. This is a perfect example, and it’s also very helpful.
52 years old 48hrs into the epiphany I am also an Aspie. Life long observations about myself are finally making sense. I have always been different, seen situations differently, have an unaturaly freakish problem solving skill base. Obsess over certain subjects, could lecture classes for hours but not answer a question as an audience member. My brain is fried unpacking 52 years of being me, but now under an Aspie light. I have gone from thinking I am in part a nutter to now having a logical reason for why I operate the way I do. Thanks for spending the time to relate your experiences mate, it certainly helps especially after 52 years of frustration and not knowing. You're a shrewd mammal mate cheers.
I'm just fried from having to look back and re-evaluate EVERYTHING. I guess I'm okay, after all, I just got less and less emotional and spiritual support over the years and that impaired my ability to function and "mask" effectively...but it also allowed the mask to rot off and expose who I truly am, and now I can finally "turn around", look back and re-visit my own experiences, and perhaps relive them in a kinder light. I was autistic the whole time, not just when I "realized" it...that is so major that it's beyond words, or pictures, even. It's absolutely a revelation.
If she was feeling - I really miss you - then why didn't she mean it when she said "I wish I could see you" if it was logistically possible to meet up? I would think she wasn't really feeling that way - it's just what game players say to make themselves feel better - while confusing/leading on their recipients. It's too frustrating.
No, no. She probably meant she missed him. Let me break it down. "I wish I could see you", a wish is something that may or may not come true (it is ambiguous), right? It could go either way. But usually it is a word used when it is something highly unlikely. So, when someone says "I wish I could see you", it implies the desire of seeing somebody but you can't for whatever reason. Maybe it would have been clearer if she completed the sentence with a "but", there is usually a "but" implied in a wish. "I wish I could see you, but we live too far away for it to be practical rn". Wishes are out of reach by definition.
@@guesswho5790 she is communicating that there is ‘something’ preventing her from seeing him. What that is only she knows but it’s emotional not rational expression, she’s not necessary playing any games.🙂
@@guesswho5790 Where do I go to attain a PHD in this? For all you know the 'Wish to see you' could mean 'but you have aspergers, therefore it will not work out'.
A really helpful model of communication I learned about that deals with this issue is the Four-sides model by Schulz von Thun: Every communication has a sender and a receiver, and the communication has 4 sides: Factual, Self-revealing (the sender talks about themselves), Appealing (the sender wants an action done), and Relationship (about the connection between sender and receiver). But as a receiver it's ambigous which side of the message the sender wants me to listen to. It's a game of either context or clarification to find out what the sender actually wants to commicate. Example: You are driving in a car, with a passenger on board. You come to stop at a red light. After a while, the passenger tells you: "The light is green". The 4 sides of the message are: Factual: The light changed from red to green. Appealing: I want you to start driving. Self-Revealing: I'm impatient and fed up that it takes so long. Relationship: I have to tell you how to drive, and I'm annoyed with you because of that. For me, a lot of times communicating is figuring out those layers (or making sure that I send the correct information) and also figuring out (and making sure) that sender and receiver are on the same Side. Really helpful for that are experience with tone/body language of that person as well as asking clarification questions: "I'm very thirsty"-"Do you want something to drink?" [Is there further action required or was the information just factual?] "Yes, Obviously" (with an eyeroll) [Is it a social norm for me to get something for the Sender?] "The drink dispenser is down the hall. Do you want me to get something for you?" [Factual information, followed up by a question figuring out if first communication was an Appeal for me] etc. etc. This is of course draining emotional work.
I am very literal & struggle with communication. Words matter, I can’t read into what people mean, I go by what they say. You have done well to over come this.
I have isolated myself unintentionally from my family because of this. It is one of the main reasons I think I am on the spectrum. I always thought that they where strange and crool for the way they accuse me for intentions that I did not have. I now realize that it's not them it's me that's the problem.
"Always" and "never" have caused me lots of problems, and your analysis is really helpful. E.g. " you never tidy up", I would point out that I do in fact tidy up, but not obviously enough and that this is a fair point. Not helpful as this is attempting to communicate a feeling, and I'm on the defensive as I feel my little contribution is unfairly being denied. Helpful. Btw, 38/50 on the AQ. I need to follow this through!
You are so insightful. My husband has Autism and I wish he would take the time to learn these things but instead all he wants to do is argue which is so tiring for me. I learn so much from watching your videos. Keep up the great work.
I have at least one friend like this. They get stuck in their own perspective so that any other idea introduced to them which doesn't match up with what they currently know feels foreign and intrusive to them. Although eventually he gets the point of the new concept, it can take weeks or months before he finally gets there. In the meantime it can appear to be incurable stubbornness. ("Not open to any agreement") The moment he gets it, it feels to him as though he's discovered something that never existed before and starts asking others if they even knew about this. At which point our inclination is to reply, "Why yes, as a matter of fact, we DO know about that thing. It's the very thing we've been telling you about all along." 🙂
the literal thing is a big challenge for me. I hear the literal meaning and while I'm attempting to "get" what the person said... I miss the next piece.
Yes yes yes lots more. You do such an incredible job I've tried to understand these things for years I am not Asperger's but I'm traumatized by my childhood neglect and emotional abuse so I have a hard time understanding people's feelings I have CPTSD.
debbie wilder Same here. (Maybe cut the C) This is an eye opener for me. So much to recognise. Not to mention Soo much to learn, so much to catch up with.
I have been dwelling on this. I have suffered emotional neglect and abuse too, but now that I am getting more and more emotionally literate, I'm not sure whether it was my environment or me that had trouble dealing with my emotions, or both! (I think it's probably both though). I just know I've always been very sensitive and invalidation hit me like a ton of bricks and I never really knew myself that well, or recognized what I was feeling or knew how to identify it. Everything has changed after therapy. But I still think I am on the spectrum simply because of my utter incompetence when it comes to navigating social situations with groups larger than 6 people...
I feel like its important for aspies to know that even neurotypicals make these mistakes all the time. So it's all good if you dont get it right sometimes. Nobody's perfect.
It's a question of degree. Most people expect a few mistakes. Most people rapidly go off you if they think you're incapable of following a conversation or consistantly misinterpreting them.
This explains why I don't do people well and why I always find myself in a conflict and misunderstanding, I hate arguments and fights, but I love a good debate, I love hearing other people's viewpoint no matter if we agree or not, I love breaking things down to its core concepts and using the literal definition of things... normal people don't do that, they live by their emotions and this explains a lot.
I think you just helpied me figure out why I have loved psychology so much for the majority of my life - because it helps to give a logical basis to lean on when trying to figure out what people are communicating, because it's built around facts but facts specifically relating to people and how we (they) think and feel and behave and express, etc.. Before I discovered psychology (roughly 23-24) years ago, I too took people literally and did not understand that when people say things, they DON'T always mean it literally, and how to read their nonverbal language + personality + context to decipher whether it's objective or subjective, whatever it is they're trying to communicate to me.
This really helps me understand the way I've been communicating with one of my friends. I definitely should put in effort to make my words and intentions clearer.
If examples help; worst example of this for me was when my head of year asked me "Is it your fault that you don't have any friends?" I, of course, answered the literal question that he asked and said "yes" as in, yes, I was a gay freak who didn't know how to deal with people, it was my fault for having no friends because I was unable to understand social cues and conventions and for coming out in a school under section 28. Why he asked me if I accepted the responsibility for my social failings puzzled me a lot for a long time. Then a few years later that it suddenly clicked that what he meant was "Are you friendless by choice or are you just struggling to make friends."
this is a big issue for me as well. and I would like it if you made some more videos on this topic. ...it's also frustrating when bullies find out that you take things literally and then they intentionally try to use that against you to make fun of you.
Words can not express my gratitude for you, because i was literally in tears listening to you. My son has aspergers and as a single parent, it has been difficult. I encourage you to continue to make these videos because they are the answers to prayers.
I have had the worst interpersonal drama from that same feeling of “feeling like people are lying to me” that’s EXACTLY how I felt and I’m so mad at myself that I didn’t learn this concept earlier. I didn’t even realize I had confusion about this concept
Yes! This helps so much, please do more videos on this. Omg, I've been so frustrated with misunderstandings at work, at home...and people getting exasperated with me, saying, "you take everything so literal!" And I'm standing there dumbfounded and utterly confused.
I can tell when someone is speaking from emotions, and I can recognize emotions on faces and eyes, and pick up on body language however its a ton of guess work on my part, and I have a very hard time making up my mind on the interpretation of the emotions I see. Basic ones like happy and sad are typically not problematic for me however sometimes they are, sometimes Im just lost in thought on how to read someone or I feel like someone might be coming on to me but also feel like im completely misreading that as well. I get easily confused with social situations and overwhelmed as well. But I totally recognize emotion and expressions, and sarcasm and etc
It's the non verbal communication that gets me. Missed gestures, particular looks - body language - or a communication that just seems to happen between other people when not a word has been spoken, and I know I've missed something but I have no idea what. This was a huge, huge, huge problem that just repeated itself in my marriage whenever a third party came into the equation. I don't think you can overcome these differences if at least one of you isn't aware of what is happening.
I wish I realized this years ago! Being a literal person (what's wrong with me was always my go to internal mantra) and also being a reactive person with three teenage daughters- I just never understood them! I couldn't see their world coming to an end over the slightest little thing- unable to put myself in their shoes- yet I'm still very empathetic... ridiculous! Thank you for sharing your journey to understand humans!
I am very emotional, and have learnt to use literal language in the service of my emotional-style communication. Since being with my aspie partner, I have learnt to preface a lot of what I say with "I feel...", and although he does try to remedy my upset feelings with factual information, it helps us both when I can add some literal clarity to my outpouring of emotion, but still express myself largely the way I want to. Thank you for this video.
I'm so glad that a good friend told me I am Asbergers. I looked up videos and found yours and realized I am very much like you. I am now realizing these things about myself and really trying to understand how to deal with people without judging them literally. Please note on this subject. My wife v has always told me "it is better to be happy than to be right" and listening to you has helped me understand that is true.
Wow I just realised something about myself; I have mastered this! When I'm 'venting' I tend to phrase things more like "i know they don't hate me, but it feels like they do" or "I know it's highly unlikely but I'm nervous it might happen" I have always disliked this about myself though, I thought of it as "well, if I know that, then why am I letting myself feel badly?" and have thought of myself as very irrational because of it. My logic vs my emotions has always been a bewildering relationship, and I'm only at age 26 realising that I am likely on the spectrum. Through all my research (many, many, MANY hours!), your channel is the place where I have been able to stop wondering if I'm on the spectrum and instead be really rather certain. That video on questions to ask yourself is truly incredible.
Yes, please more on this. I get frustrated when someone tells me what you call emotional and I take it literally. My dad had a saying, “if you can’t say what you mean, how can you mean what you say.” This phrase says it all about me.
Looking forward to reading your blog on subjects like this. I still take some language too literally, but over time I would consciously remember an idiomatic phrase, almost like you would in a foreign language, and get used to how it can be used in context. Context is so key to so much communication. Sarcasm used to trip me up so much in the past, unless it was in a comedy show and I knew from context to expect it. I've learned to sometimes take a metaphorical step back when I hear someone saying something which feels extremely incongruous and try not to let my first mental reaction be verbalised. Often after about a half-second to a few seconds, I realise it is sarcasm and can then respond in a way considered appropriate. Training myself in doing this has thankfully resulted in my subconscious picking up some of the slack so I need not consciously analyse quite so much. Analysing interactions between characters in television dramas, comedies and so on over the years has also helped in that regard. I suppose for neurotypical people, one might think of them being comfortable with two different languages, or forms of language, naturally, compared to many with an ASD. But it is possible to learn to deal with emotional language over time and thankfully I have become fairly comfortable with it, with the occasional misunderstanding. It also helps now that when my family want to tell me something important, they themselves have become more careful with the language they use to help ensure understanding on my side since getting diagnosed. I hope that, in time, more neurotypical people will become aware of this need and try to adapt their language to help people with an ASD, in the same way someone with an ASD often tries to adapt to the language around them.
Love it! Thank you! Very much appreciate your being humble enough share this using your own experience and putting yourself into the center of this, instead of being above or removed from the situation. It made me feel less embarrassed about having done this myself so many times, for so long. Your explanatory skills, delivery and presentation are truly excellent! I think it should also be pointed out that some people are not good communicators or don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, or deliberately misuse their words and then gaslight when you call them out on it.
I love how you explained the girlfriend missing you problem. It's actually very funny that you felt angry with her for saying "I wish I could see you" and wanted to know why she was lying to you. I have so many of these experiences and some of them are really hilarious when I retell them - I wish I'd written them all down for prosperity. So much of it comes down to not having sufficient time to simply process what is being said on the spur of the moment.
Very easy for Aspies to remember, it's an off and on switch. When someone speaks ask yourself. "Info or Emotion". Then use this plane of reason, 1)-Emotion, statement, intention. Etc, etc. Work's every time.
This is amazing. I seem to have the opposite problem. I've never taken stuff literally once I grew out of that phase in childhood, I caught onto what people actually meant by watching how others react to them. But my issue is that so many people take ME literally. Because of my word usage and the tone of my voice. So many people have said to me 'only a Sith speaks in absolutes.' and I'm like, what? I'm not speaking in absolutes. What are you talking about? So this video has been very helpful in understanding. I can understand the language people are speaking but I'm having a hard time speaking it back.
They’re right. Only a Sith speaks in absolutes. (Joking) Seriously though, I think it’s their way of saying that you seem to have black and white thinking. i.e. seeing things as all one way or all another way, with no grey area and nothing in between.
Two things from my own experience: 1. In some situations, making this distinction is trivial for me, because it's so obvious. In others I might not be looking for the hidden meaning and completely miss it. Part of it is the loop of experience - reflect - understand but the other part is simply how clear it is. 2. Using that kind of language actively (i.e. making jokes, exaggerations, etc) comes a lot more easily for me than (and came a lot earlier) than understanding it with others. I believe that this is because I can know the true meaning I want to convey and thus appropriately differentiate my mannerisms (e.g. a big grin to make it abundantly clear that I didn't mean something in a mean spirited way). It makes sense, in a way. If you take a complex polynomial function f(x)=y, seeing only the result (y) means you may have a lot of work to do to get x with multiple possible solutions even, but knowing where it all comes from (knowing x), you can easily get to the y, how it's supposed to look at the end.
Hi Carl, Very Nicely put. I often did not understand what my parents said when they used to exaggerate or give reasons about my past, but now I understood that they are doing their best to make me understand what I could have done better so that I can improve upon the past incident. Literally speaking, I used to get swayed away by the emotions of my past and get stuck there and make irrelevant connections to if I get married or not. My parents thought I was getting the point when I used to tell the answer or contribute to what they were doing, but now I just listen, process and assimilate the facts and get the learning correct. Thanks a lot for this video, it t=has helped me with understanding information better. Regards, Bhargav
Thanks for the videos. Been married for 30 years to a man that takes things literally more than emotional. I babysat a child that was autistic in the 1980's and am friends with him in 2019. Appreciate your effort to explain Aspergers. My son and I took speech therapy years ago when he was a child. He is grown, now. Prayers and Blessings. MM arr
I wish to hear more about this, and exactly what you mentioned in the end. I find it hard to deal with emotional people because their feelings often take me over and it gets fifficult to set boundaries to protect myself in a nice way. Most people get angry ehen I cannot carry their problems. I have practised quite a lit to explain how I feel to others without being totally overwhelming. It gets hard, though, if that person gives mixed messages, like ”I am prepared to listen”, but then is all closed off and gets defensive and such... When prople are opening up in a creepy way, I just sort of snalyse, and that can offend them. So it goes both ways.
Definitely would appreciate more on this subject. I need to understand, so I can put into practice, the best way to communicate with my 14 year old granddaughter, who has only recently been diagnosed with Autism. Thank you 🙏 for all you are doing, to bring understanding and education to all ♥️♥️
I love this lesson. It's taken me a long time to realise this concept but it still annoys me when people say things like this and sometimes I still misinterpret it...
I struggle with seperating the literal from the emotional hugely. In a workplace setting, particularly, I struggle with constructive guidance as I take things.... I was going to say literally but perhaps I interpret them emotionally and that's the issue. I would like to hear fmore from you on this.
Yes, I would definitely agree. I am not an Aspie, but my partner is, and when he is hurt by something someone has said that he interpreted differently than they meant, he is definitely responding emotionally. However, I think it is a kind of PTSD or negative response pattern due to previous negative engagements, like a response habit. I have ADD, and am very honest, so he trusts me, but even with me he sometimes responds as though I have tried to hurt him. For things that matter to him, like music, he absolutely has zero tolerance for other opinions... As though the creation is part of himself. I think all people believe their creations are important if they have put in effort, and have a hard time dealing with criticism, but somehow I think that his feelings go beyond creating something separate from himself into creating a new part of himself.
This was so interesting to me as a neurotypical person who finds interpreting other peoples emotions hard unless they are able to express them! I’ve spent such a long time struggling in my own relationships feeling like something is wrong or is my fault because the person I am speaking to doesn’t have the same emotional vocabulary as me. I love hyperbole, I love using analogies and comparisons to express myself. I can remember conversations where I’ve dismissed someone who is telling me that they feel a certain way. I’ll responded confused saying something like I hear that you’re telling me you are sad/frustrated/in love but I don’t believe you because you’re not making me FEEL it. To me it feels like they are telling me what I want to hear to shut me up or dismissing how deeply I feel something. It’s been such an eye opener watching this to think wow, it doesn’t mean that person isn’t feeling something strongly just because they cannot articulate in a way that conveys that magnitude. It’s going to be something I need to work on because it’s so difficult to me to take what someone is saying at face value when I wear my heart on my sleeve to such an extent. If I’m in a good place emotionally then I can rationalise. If I’m feeling anxious or in a heightened state I take the lack of feedback as the person I am communicating with not caring. That feeds directly back into the anxiety and makes it worse. I feel like I couldn’t be shouting louder I’m not ok. It makes me double my efforts to convey with body language and words how I’m feeling to try and evoke this response I’m expecting. So to someone who does not communicate like me that’s probably totally confusing and intimidating and probably seems like an extreme overreaction which is almost certainly true. If I was expressing myself like they are expressing themselves to me then I would be lying and I probably wouldn’t care deeply about the subject so it makes me panic when I am dealing with it from someone else. So if anyone has any advice on what I could say to a partner or friend to explain this. Or even a strategy I can use to find comfort in what that person is telling me when I need it I would greatly appreciate it. These videos are fantastic.
This sounds a bit narcissistic honestly. It's easier to say what you mean and take people at face value when they say what they mean. You don't have to/can't make others feel anything (they see through their perception), and they aren't responsible for making you feel anything either. It sounds exhausting. Honestly, it strikes me as very cluster B.
I think it might be helpful to look at the possibility you felt unheard at a critical time when you were young. Do you have dreams you are shouting or crying but nobody can hear you, for example
This is one I really, really struggle with. I’ve always had a tendency to take thing literally. I get very frustrated when people around me aren’t direct. I think everyone around me (family and close friends) altered the way they communicate with me because it made it easier to communicate with me. Had I known about this when I was younger, I might have been able to meet them halfway, but no one ever discussed this with me.
Thank you very much for this video. It's very helpful to see how it's all broken down, and makes so much sense...this is needed for so many of us who struggle with taking things literally or personally. Been misunderstood, as well as misunderstanding people, my entire life.
The example you put in about your friend "wishing" she could see you really irks me too. It took awhile for me to figure out that people were gently putting me down when expressing interest in spending time together, I wish they would just be frank instead of cryptic.
Fascinating, such a clear way to explain the difference between experiences. Thank you for the clear content!! The synthesis of something that felt so abstract is so clear now. Amazing!! The concept really helped me as well. Great insights and reflections!
I can relate so well to this. My husband always communicate with information when I try to express my emotion. We just keep going around the circle every time we have an argument 🙈
I am now 61, I started creative writing as a young teenager and recognise that I can say much more through writing than I ever can through speech. My writing has been published and is often described as 'powerful', probably because I have freedom to connect with my emotions in a way that I can't when speaking. When I speak, it is frequently misunderstood. When I write, it is is rarely ambiguous. If I spoke as I write, it would take ages to formulate one sentence - yet I can write quickly.
the word literally itself! like there's a comment below a youtubers video where the commenter says: 'I literally died when you... in the video'. literally died? how do you type then? OK, it's obvious, still annoys me. and how do you know if you can take the sentence literally and when it's just an emotion expession?. it's hard for me sometimes. like in the example you said. I would start thinking about how we could meet personally. what else?
The literally thing annoys me too. What is funny is that so many people use it in that manner, that the dictionary has redefined it. Usually, when someone uses literally in that manner, I will reply with a similar sentence that uses the word figuratively or I will make a remark about what they said that uses the word figuratively. It makes me feel better, but they just look confused...
Good video, thanks for uploading! Miscommunication and being too literal are a way of life, for sure. NT's exhaust me with their social expectations and rules (which I apparently violate constantly without realizing it at the time), but I am equally tiresome for them with my intensity and general Aspiness. I have tried to be different than I am for my whole life, but it truly is futile. Just getting diagnosed last year at the age of 32 helped me so much mentally. At least now it all makes sense, even if it doesn't change my reality or day-to-day experience.
When she said “I wish I could see you...”, it doesn’t mean she misses you. It is just a typical start of an excuse. She just doesn’t upset you. You can always make time when you want to see someone.
Dude! I’m so thankful full for this video, this really helped me to understand myself and why sometimes it’s hard for me to catch up some stuff people say, plus I’m a highly emotional person. This is quite the reveling moment. Appreciated man! Do more videos about this, please; your point of view might keep helping a lot of people who didn’t even know they are like this. Just like we are.
Thank you for this video, you have blown my mind. I now know that I really really need to learn how to tell the difference between exaggeration and literal speaking. I hope it isn't too difficult!
Your channel’s so valuable. Thanks for being so passionate about helping out your fellow aspie, words cant express how grateful I am for finding your work!
Thank you so much for making this video!! I have the hardest time with taking things “too” literally. It’s incredibly hard to know when people aren’t being literal! I’m about to be 36 in July and I still have major issues with this! I don’t think it will ever go away but the whiteboard lists will definitely help me!!
Thanks for making this video. The last bit about correcting exaggerated language is probably good advice for me. I've done that with friends thinking I'm helping them, because when I went through cognitive behavioral therapy I found it helpful myself to be "called out" on my word choices, but sometimes people find it annnoying or get upset with me. It seems weird to me that people don't want to use more accurate words when they speak but oh well, I guess that's just the way things are.
I'm going to start taking notes on these videos. I hope you don't mind, but they are extremely helpful to me and seeing something written down is how I understand it better.
I feel that this works both ways, inasmuch as people's actions can also be taken too literally. Forever, any time someone got angry with me I 'knew' they wanted me gone if not dead. If my boss was upset I 'knew' I was fired. If someone was kind I 'knew' I could trust them with anything. My favorite saying all my life has been "Words mean things". Now I know why. Now I know why I suck at relationships. And now I can fix it.
I liked it even before listening! So much difference and so important. Often, people have no idea that what their words say is not what they mean, and this can be huge trouble for someone on the spectrum. Thank you
dude i get so mad when people say "miss you!" or "let's hang out!" or "omg i love you!" i often try to go down the rabbit hole of explaining why i don't like it, because I know they're being figurative, but that knowledge doesn't stop my impulse to cringe and need to explain. every one of your videos is ticking boxes.
The knowing but not being able to entirely prevent myself from reacting to it is super frustrating. It's also pretty entertaining for most of my family which isn't exactly helpful.
I will forever not understand why someone would say "let's hang out" as a way of saying "I miss you". Someone simply saying "miss you!" doesn't do anything to me because they're just stating a feeling and that is obvious. Whereas them saying "let's hang out", is something COMPLETELY different (though it does include expressing that feeling) than saying "I miss you". Now, someone saying "omg I love you!" I don't have any issue with because in my life I have recognized that as a figure of speech used to express excitement and gratitude. In my experience this is generally said by females (or flamboyant gay guys) if you for instance get them a gift they really like, or if you mention that you're interested in something they REALLY like, etc. I don't take that as them LITERALLY saying "i love you". And with this one too, I feel as though when it is used there is plenty of context surrounding its usage to make it really easy to distinguish.
Thank you for clarifying what has been a big deal for me - people saying one thing that often means something else. Also, customer service people, both on the telephone and in person saying: “I’ll be back in a second/minute.” Something in me says (in my mind): “Why don’t you say ‘moment’?” A “second/minute” is a definite period of time. A “moment” is indefinite. I have to stop myself from saying “Your second/minute is up!” Even making it a joke often flies over their heads, because it’s “just an expression” to them!!! My need to clarify language has often made people dislike me. They believe I’m merely “correcting” them, when my main intention is clarification, for my understanding. Blessings!
I think its the capacity to hear the multiple meaning for one phrase and deduce based off the context of the conversation instantly. If you have zero social skills and you dont speak to a lot of people this capacity will atrophy and you will literally take everything literally and the flow of information from others will slow you down on assessing the meaning.
There was a book that really helped me. The german title is miteinander reden by schulz von thun. He describes that every communication has four totally independent catrgories. Information, emotion, what you say about your self and relation of the speaker and the listener. You might add an information about what to actually do. This applies for not verbal communication as well. There is a conflict when both people in communication do not match what is the most inportant aspect. A classic example is an emotional person who gets an information as answer. This book completely changed my life bevause i always have reduced all communication to information only.
Oh. I thought I know the difference. But I would never thought that "I would like to see you" might not be literal. I mean - yes this express emotion. But, missing somebody and not trying to meet? Mind blown.
I totally love this video. As a non autistic person I'd really like to know if it's possible for those on the spectrum to learn how to understand non literal language if they are given help. I'd also like to see a video about what therapies and programs can help children and teens with autism so they don't need constant care and can lead productive meaningful lives like everyone else. I have a friend with an autistic teen but feel she's been too protective as a parent. She also refused to put up the money to get her diagnosed as a toddler so she only got speech therapy until her publicly funded diagnosis at 8. I think the girl had potential but the combination of overprotective parenting and not getting intensive therapies as a baby have made her overly dependent for her age. She also gets to avoid any situations that bring up unpleasant emotions such as anxiety or stress instead of confronting them and learning how to cope with things like school administrators not listening to her. She changed high schools twice in one year possibly because of the avoidance. My friend rarely seems to have time for me and often cancels things at the last minute. I'd love her and her kid to see your videos. Hope someone can answer my questions. It's great to see an autistic person take some responsibility for trying to cope with their disability instead of always hearing about group home people who assault others. My friend does care work and all I hear about is intellectual disabilities and autistic people who seem to have little or nothing to offer. It really gets me down. I've had to go online to learn about the best people with autism. Thanks very much for such wisdom and self awareness.
This is what I have struggled with all my life. I am 51 now and have always upset myself and other people with consistently getting this wrong. We can try but in the situations where you have to focus on this there are so many other things going on its hard to focus on getting this right. Its so difficult to do and mistakes keep happening whatever i do or how hard I try.
(I may or may not be an aspie. I am not sure, but it seems that in every aspie video I watch, there are things I can relate to.) As regards taking things literally, a big one for me is when people say, "See you later." I always think it means they plan to see me later, and can never remember it's just another way to say, BYE.
I am just now realizing why I refuse to say some expressions. Even though I understand they are metaphors, I always think of the actual literal meaning and it bothers me. Like "I'm dying to see you". I understand it's a form of expressing how much I want to see you, but I am NOT DYING TO SEE YOU, so why say it? I tend to find other expressions that are more precise.
Thank you, Paul. I have made a screenshot of your information on the board and hope to apply this whenever I encounter a problem in the big bad world out there. My psychologist told me I have a tendency to personalize things which is true.
I only realized I had aspergers recently. Everything makes sense now. All the stimming all the misunderstandings and always wanting to be told what to do
Here's my description written before I saw the video. Shakespeare wrote, "It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief, That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she." We all are used to metaphors. The sun is bright and illuminates our world. Juliette made the world bright for him. We all are used to idioms too, such as "It's raining cats and dogs." Idioms can be learned, but poetic speech that involves metaphors can be created by someone in the moment, and while not literally true, everyone realizes it's not literally true, and generally they get the meaning. I now have watched part of the video. It's notable that someone can use idioms, and even metaphors, to relate information too. The comments "I could kill for a coffee." That's poetic speech by extreme metaphor to express emotion. However, "I'm as hungry as a horse" might be an idiom - speech that developed historically and lots of people use it. My younger brother, who I was really close to (emotionally) growing up, had severe Aspergers. One thing I could relate to for relationships that also applies to some neurotypical people who want to be *problem solvers* is that unless someone is explicitly asking for help, don't try to solve their problems. Instead, show sympathy for expressed feelings. Have that be the default reaction. Pay close attention to see if someone is looking for a solution. This video takes this idea to an an extreme. It's Not About The Nail th-cam.com/video/-4EDhdAHrOg/w-d-xo.html
I'm 74 and have had that same thought about nobody liking me my entire life. I think it's a normal thought. What's likely not normal is my reaction, namely, I embrace it and am glad, because that often translates to being left alone, which to me is Nirvana!
It's not a surprise that we are tired so much of the time when all we seem to do is decipher vague communicate from the majority of people we encounter. I find it so much easier with animals. I often think that people don't really know what they are trying to say and therefore just say anything, sometimes with a view to correcting or editing the words once they have been spoken.
While I understand the information your are presenting. I often have trouble picking up on it in conversation. It’s one thing to know that people use figurative language, it’s an entirely different thing to pick it up on the fly and respond back in an appropriate manner.
Wow, I am glad that I already know this but the fact is that this strategy cannot be used to prevent the confusion. There will always be the confusion when hearing it for the first time, only after deeply thinking about it do you understand the emotional meaning. The confusion will often leads to frustration. I decided to look for professional help because the frustration became to much. Normal people don't make sense and I can't deal with it by myself.
I kinda feel like Harry Potter when he found the Half-blood princes notebook since I randomly stumbled upon your videos 4 days ago. I had quite a few realizations already but you helped me make life easier on myself so much in barely 4 days... I could get emotional
About the example with the friend who said "I wish I could see you": I think your first gut feeling was right and that she was just lying. People do that when they don't have the courage to give away their true emotions and rather want to appear as someone who is (or rather talks as being) kind and polite. That is sad. I mean which ever way it was really meant. But don't worry/over think too much looking forward to new experience and connections. (This a subjective opinion of mine. I could be wrong.)
I appreciate your efforts..but honestly speaking as an autistic person I can only learn and understand these social and emotional aspects of the human behaviour from your video and other sources.these things save a lot of emotional breakdown which I was having previously.but as a person with asd it is not actually posible to implement all these social and emotional rules in real life situation as it gets complicated to remember and implement all these things at a time.imagine a brain without having a part for emotional functioning..and I can't just put in those emotions which is not natural for me inside it..but no worry I am still struggling to live mostly by copying others..it's so frustrating..thanks and regards bro. For your efforts.. people like u make this earth a beautiful place..
I have a teenage son having a very difficult time with dating feeling accepted and I really want him to see your videos without making him feel more uncomfortable or strange etc
I enjoy writing poetry, so love using metaphors and just generally playing around with language, and yet I often take what others say word for word, aka literally. For instance, I avoid offering to negotiate while making plans to get together with someone, and as I think about it, I'm cut and dried in order to get the plan out of the way. Negotiation is scary territory for me. I can see now that might be considered antisocial or _________________ fill in the blanks..... Boy, this is a big one for me. Thanks, Paul.
I'm 73 and I have never heard or read anything as eye opening as this lesson. I understand myself better now it is spelled out for me.
I don't need to be rude but in your case they might not have even diagnosed you with autism when you were younger. It's a very misunderstood condition and often people just get diagnosed with bipolar ADHD borderline etc. the flavor of the month is at the time instead of what it actually is
Same age, same discovery
Oh ok
When I was really little, either before I was diagnosed or not long after, we had this assignment in school called "bird writings", which was where the teacher wrote a paragraph about a particular bird species and we were all supposed to copy it down, which was difficult for us because we were still learning to read and write, and I hated bird writings, which I made extremely clear whenever the subject came up. Well, one day I had been away from the classroom for some reason or other, and when I came back the teacher was getting me situated and she said, "Do you want to work on your bird writings?" Now, if she had simply said "Work on your bird writings" I maybe would have fought her on it and maybe I would have just quietly done what I was told, but I would have understood that I was being ordered to work on my bird writings, but since she said "Do you want to work on your bird writings?", I took it that she was asking if I wanted to, and I thought that was kind of a stupid question because I had repeatedly made it clear that I hated bird writings, so I angrily said "NO!" and she interpreted this as me refusing to do my classwork and I got in trouble for it.
thats her fault
She sounds like a dumbass - she asked the question in a passive-aggressive way and got mad when you "misunderstood" her, but really she miscommunicated. I would have understood what she meant, but even I would have been pissed off by her passive-aggressiveness. My favorite way to handle passive-aggressive people is to take them literally on purpose so that they are forced to say what they actually want and mean. And that's coming from a NT.
I have the same basic reaction at the grocery store when the self checkout machine asks if I want to buy a bag. The answer is no, I don't want to buy a bag, I want to take the bag and use it. Obviously, I'm stuck lying and saying that I want the bag because they're taxed around here and it would be problematic to take without paying the tax, but it irritates me to no end.
I can relate to that. I wonder if I should be diagnosed with something. I think I've hurt a lot of women's feelings with whole flirting thing and a lot of people's feelings in general with the whole small talk thing.
If only people would ask the questions they mean to ask
Whenever my dad wants me to do something for him, he sends a text "what are the chances I could get you to do something for me?" My aspie brain cannot process all the levels of this statement. Why is he asking ME what the chances/probability is of HIM convincing me to do something? I can either do something or not, so from my perspective the chances are 100 or 0, depending on all the other factors. If he wants to know if I WILL do it, he could just ask "could you do it" and I'd say yes or no. I'd say the chances of him getting me to do it depend on what it is, when he wants it, an innumerable amount of other factors. Even now that I know that I should translate his statement into something like "are you willing/able to do something", with the assumption that I will ask for details that he would then supply, it still sends my head spinning every time he says it.
Very relatable.
Yes this is exactly the type of scenario that I find frustrating, I am not bad at understanding that phrases and sayings are not literal, in fact I find them fun, but if someone is trying to convey a message or especially ask me a question and it is not direct (or to use a phrase - they are 'beating round the bush' 😉) I can get very distressed.
You just made my world go from Black and White to color.... You've described what I feel.... And how I get in trouble
Just tell him to state what he wants! - a ghastly text.
Jero Toro you clearly grasp communication better than daddo
There are some things that nobody ever seems to explain to kids growing up because most people assume that everyone already automatically understands. The relative few who don’t automatically understand are then left struggling to figure out how everyone else knows so much that they don’t and are then often treated like they are simple-minded for not getting something they would have gotten had anyone ever bothered to tell them. This is a perfect example, and it’s also very helpful.
52 years old 48hrs into the epiphany I am also an Aspie.
Life long observations about myself are finally making sense.
I have always been different, seen situations differently, have an unaturaly freakish problem solving skill base.
Obsess over certain subjects, could lecture classes for hours but not answer a question as an audience member.
My brain is fried unpacking 52 years of being me, but now under an Aspie light.
I have gone from thinking I am in part a nutter to now having a logical reason for why I operate the way I do.
Thanks for spending the time to relate your experiences mate, it certainly helps especially after 52 years of frustration and not knowing.
You're a shrewd mammal mate cheers.
I learned i was autistic at age 20, i cant imagine the relief one must feel to be able to understand 52 years of confusion
I'm just fried from having to look back and re-evaluate EVERYTHING. I guess I'm okay, after all, I just got less and less emotional and spiritual support over the years and that impaired my ability to function and "mask" effectively...but it also allowed the mask to rot off and expose who I truly am, and now I can finally "turn around", look back and re-visit my own experiences, and perhaps relive them in a kinder light. I was autistic the whole time, not just when I "realized" it...that is so major that it's beyond words, or pictures, even. It's absolutely a revelation.
If she was feeling - I really miss you - then why didn't she mean it when she said "I wish I could see you" if it was logistically possible to meet up? I would think she wasn't really feeling that way - it's just what game players say to make themselves feel better - while confusing/leading on their recipients. It's too frustrating.
No, no. She probably meant she missed him. Let me break it down. "I wish I could see you", a wish is something that may or may not come true (it is ambiguous), right? It could go either way. But usually it is a word used when it is something highly unlikely. So, when someone says "I wish I could see you", it implies the desire of seeing somebody but you can't for whatever reason. Maybe it would have been clearer if she completed the sentence with a "but", there is usually a "but" implied in a wish. "I wish I could see you, but we live too far away for it to be practical rn". Wishes are out of reach by definition.
@@guesswho5790 she is communicating that there is ‘something’ preventing her from seeing him. What that is only she knows but it’s emotional not rational expression, she’s not necessary playing any games.🙂
@@guesswho5790 this is so confusing, why are people this way
@@alonewithyu I love this comment lmao. This is exactly how I feel when it comes to things like this.
@@guesswho5790 Where do I go to attain a PHD in this?
For all you know the 'Wish to see you' could mean 'but you have aspergers, therefore it will not work out'.
A really helpful model of communication I learned about that deals with this issue is the Four-sides model by Schulz von Thun: Every communication has a sender and a receiver, and the communication has 4 sides: Factual, Self-revealing (the sender talks about themselves), Appealing (the sender wants an action done), and Relationship (about the connection between sender and receiver). But as a receiver it's ambigous which side of the message the sender wants me to listen to. It's a game of either context or clarification to find out what the sender actually wants to commicate.
Example: You are driving in a car, with a passenger on board. You come to stop at a red light. After a while, the passenger tells you: "The light is green". The 4 sides of the message are:
Factual: The light changed from red to green.
Appealing: I want you to start driving.
Self-Revealing: I'm impatient and fed up that it takes so long.
Relationship: I have to tell you how to drive, and I'm annoyed with you because of that.
For me, a lot of times communicating is figuring out those layers (or making sure that I send the correct information) and also figuring out (and making sure) that sender and receiver are on the same Side. Really helpful for that are experience with tone/body language of that person as well as asking clarification questions:
"I'm very thirsty"-"Do you want something to drink?" [Is there further action required or was the information just factual?]
"Yes, Obviously" (with an eyeroll) [Is it a social norm for me to get something for the Sender?]
"The drink dispenser is down the hall. Do you want me to get something for you?" [Factual information, followed up by a question figuring out if first communication was an Appeal for me]
etc. etc. This is of course draining emotional work.
I am very literal & struggle with communication. Words matter, I can’t read into what people mean, I go by what they say.
You have done well to over come this.
True. I listen to people but i also see what they do because people talk all the time.
@@IttyBittyPiglet I always hear what they say through their actions. Always.
I have isolated myself unintentionally from my family because of this. It is one of the main reasons I think I am on the spectrum. I always thought that they where strange and crool for the way they accuse me for intentions that I did not have. I now realize that it's not them it's me that's the problem.
well its not a problem you have, that a problem your relationship has because of the differences, and them judging you based on their biases
"Always" and "never" have caused me lots of problems, and your analysis is really helpful. E.g. " you never tidy up", I would point out that I do in fact tidy up, but not obviously enough and that this is a fair point. Not helpful as this is attempting to communicate a feeling, and I'm on the defensive as I feel my little contribution is unfairly being denied.
Helpful.
Btw, 38/50 on the AQ. I need to follow this through!
I have the same issues with soon and now, My fiancé’s soon is now and now is in 5min.
Drove me crazy at first😅
What is it? AQ?
You are so insightful. My husband has Autism and I wish he would take the time to learn these things but instead all he wants to do is argue which is so tiring for me. I learn so much from watching your videos. Keep up the great work.
I have at least one friend like this.
They get stuck in their own perspective
so that any other idea introduced to them
which doesn't match up with what they currently know
feels foreign and intrusive to them.
Although eventually he gets the point of the new concept,
it can take weeks or months before he finally gets there.
In the meantime
it can appear to be incurable stubbornness.
("Not open to any agreement")
The moment he gets it,
it feels to him as though he's discovered something
that never existed before
and starts asking others if they even knew about this.
At which point our inclination is to reply,
"Why yes, as a matter of fact, we DO know about that thing.
It's the very thing we've been telling you about all along." 🙂
the literal thing is a big challenge for me. I hear the literal meaning and while I'm attempting to "get" what the person said... I miss the next piece.
Yes yes yes lots more. You do such an incredible job I've tried to understand these things for years I am not Asperger's but I'm traumatized by my childhood neglect and emotional abuse so I have a hard time understanding people's feelings I have CPTSD.
debbie wilder Same here. (Maybe cut the C) This is an eye opener for me. So much to recognise. Not to mention Soo much to learn, so much to catch up with.
debbie wilder
I have been dwelling on this. I have suffered emotional neglect and abuse too, but now that I am getting more and more emotionally literate, I'm not sure whether it was my environment or me that had trouble dealing with my emotions, or both! (I think it's probably both though). I just know I've always been very sensitive and invalidation hit me like a ton of bricks and I never really knew myself that well, or recognized what I was feeling or knew how to identify it. Everything has changed after therapy. But I still think I am on the spectrum simply because of my utter incompetence when it comes to navigating social situations with groups larger than 6 people...
I feel like its important for aspies to know that even neurotypicals make these mistakes all the time. So it's all good if you dont get it right sometimes. Nobody's perfect.
It's a question of degree. Most people expect a few mistakes. Most people rapidly go off you if they think you're incapable of following a conversation or consistantly misinterpreting them.
I am 52 diagnosed a month ago. You have just explained something that has plagued me my entire life. I can’t explain the level of gratitude. 🙌🏼
Please make more videos like this about 'misunderstandings.
This was VERY helpful. Thanks'
This explains why I don't do people well and why I always find myself in a conflict and misunderstanding, I hate arguments and fights, but I love a good debate, I love hearing other people's viewpoint no matter if we agree or not, I love breaking things down to its core concepts and using the literal definition of things... normal people don't do that, they live by their emotions and this explains a lot.
Please keep going on this theme as communication is critically important in interpersonal relationships!! Great job.
I think you just helpied me figure out why I have loved psychology so much for the majority of my life - because it helps to give a logical basis to lean on when trying to figure out what people are communicating, because it's built around facts but facts specifically relating to people and how we (they) think and feel and behave and express, etc..
Before I discovered psychology (roughly 23-24) years ago, I too took people literally and did not understand that when people say things, they DON'T always mean it literally, and how to read their nonverbal language + personality + context to decipher whether it's objective or subjective, whatever it is they're trying to communicate to me.
This really helps me understand the way I've been communicating with one of my friends. I definitely should put in effort to make my words and intentions clearer.
This is very useful. Please do more videos exploring this with plenty of real world examples. Thanks.
By real world I include communication via the internet.
Thanks! I'll see what I can do :)
If examples help; worst example of this for me was when my head of year asked me "Is it your fault that you don't have any friends?"
I, of course, answered the literal question that he asked and said "yes" as in, yes, I was a gay freak who didn't know how to deal with people, it was my fault for having no friends because I was unable to understand social cues and conventions and for coming out in a school under section 28.
Why he asked me if I accepted the responsibility for my social failings puzzled me a lot for a long time. Then a few years later that it suddenly clicked that what he meant was "Are you friendless by choice or are you just struggling to make friends."
this is a big issue for me as well. and I would like it if you made some more videos on this topic. ...it's also frustrating when bullies find out that you take things literally and then they intentionally try to use that against you to make fun of you.
Words can not express my gratitude for you, because i was literally in tears listening to you. My son has aspergers and as a single parent, it has been difficult. I encourage you to continue to make these videos because they are the answers to prayers.
God bless your family
I have had the worst interpersonal drama from that same feeling of “feeling like people are lying to me” that’s EXACTLY how I felt and I’m so mad at myself that I didn’t learn this concept earlier. I didn’t even realize I had confusion about this concept
Yes! This helps so much, please do more videos on this. Omg, I've been so frustrated with misunderstandings at work, at home...and people getting exasperated with me, saying, "you take everything so literal!" And I'm standing there dumbfounded and utterly confused.
I can tell when someone is speaking from emotions, and I can recognize emotions on faces and eyes, and pick up on body language however its a ton of guess work on my part, and I have a very hard time making up my mind on the interpretation of the emotions I see. Basic ones like happy and sad are typically not problematic for me however sometimes they are, sometimes Im just lost in thought on how to read someone or I feel like someone might be coming on to me but also feel like im completely misreading that as well. I get easily confused with social situations and overwhelmed as well. But I totally recognize emotion and expressions, and sarcasm and etc
It's the non verbal communication that gets me. Missed gestures, particular looks - body language - or a communication that just seems to happen between other people when not a word has been spoken, and I know I've missed something but I have no idea what. This was a huge, huge, huge problem that just repeated itself in my marriage whenever a third party came into the equation. I don't think you can overcome these differences if at least one of you isn't aware of what is happening.
I wish I realized this years ago! Being a literal person (what's wrong with me was always my go to internal mantra) and also being a reactive person with three teenage daughters- I just never understood them! I couldn't see their world coming to an end over the slightest little thing- unable to put myself in their shoes- yet I'm still very empathetic... ridiculous! Thank you for sharing your journey to understand humans!
I am very emotional, and have learnt to use literal language in the service of my emotional-style communication. Since being with my aspie partner, I have learnt to preface a lot of what I say with "I feel...", and although he does try to remedy my upset feelings with factual information, it helps us both when I can add some literal clarity to my outpouring of emotion, but still express myself largely the way I want to. Thank you for this video.
I'm so glad that a good friend told me I am Asbergers. I looked up videos and found yours and realized I am very much like you. I am now realizing these things about myself and really trying to understand how to deal with people without judging them literally. Please note on this subject. My wife v has always told me "it is better to be happy than to be right" and listening to you has helped me understand that is true.
Wow I just realised something about myself; I have mastered this! When I'm 'venting' I tend to phrase things more like "i know they don't hate me, but it feels like they do" or "I know it's highly unlikely but I'm nervous it might happen"
I have always disliked this about myself though, I thought of it as "well, if I know that, then why am I letting myself feel badly?" and have thought of myself as very irrational because of it. My logic vs my emotions has always been a bewildering relationship, and I'm only at age 26 realising that I am likely on the spectrum. Through all my research (many, many, MANY hours!), your channel is the place where I have been able to stop wondering if I'm on the spectrum and instead be really rather certain. That video on questions to ask yourself is truly incredible.
Hey there I too have aspergers & can totally relate too being ignored when trying to reach out to people I’ve known awhile
Yes, please more on this. I get frustrated when someone tells me what you call emotional and I take it literally. My dad had a saying, “if you can’t say what you mean, how can you mean what you say.” This phrase says it all about me.
Looking forward to reading your blog on subjects like this. I still take some language too literally, but over time I would consciously remember an idiomatic phrase, almost like you would in a foreign language, and get used to how it can be used in context. Context is so key to so much communication. Sarcasm used to trip me up so much in the past, unless it was in a comedy show and I knew from context to expect it. I've learned to sometimes take a metaphorical step back when I hear someone saying something which feels extremely incongruous and try not to let my first mental reaction be verbalised. Often after about a half-second to a few seconds, I realise it is sarcasm and can then respond in a way considered appropriate.
Training myself in doing this has thankfully resulted in my subconscious picking up some of the slack so I need not consciously analyse quite so much. Analysing interactions between characters in television dramas, comedies and so on over the years has also helped in that regard. I suppose for neurotypical people, one might think of them being comfortable with two different languages, or forms of language, naturally, compared to many with an ASD. But it is possible to learn to deal with emotional language over time and thankfully I have become fairly comfortable with it, with the occasional misunderstanding. It also helps now that when my family want to tell me something important, they themselves have become more careful with the language they use to help ensure understanding on my side since getting diagnosed.
I hope that, in time, more neurotypical people will become aware of this need and try to adapt their language to help people with an ASD, in the same way someone with an ASD often tries to adapt to the language around them.
Love it! Thank you! Very much appreciate your being humble enough share this using your own experience and putting yourself into the center of this, instead of being above or removed from the situation. It made me feel less embarrassed about having done this myself so many times, for so long. Your explanatory skills, delivery and presentation are truly excellent!
I think it should also be pointed out that some people are not good communicators or don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, or deliberately misuse their words and then gaslight when you call them out on it.
I love how you explained the girlfriend missing you problem. It's actually very funny that you felt angry with her for saying "I wish I could see you" and wanted to know why she was lying to you. I have so many of these experiences and some of them are really hilarious when I retell them - I wish I'd written them all down for prosperity. So much of it comes down to not having sufficient time to simply process what is being said on the spur of the moment.
Very easy for Aspies to remember, it's an off and on switch. When someone speaks ask yourself. "Info or Emotion". Then use this plane of reason, 1)-Emotion, statement, intention. Etc, etc. Work's every time.
This is amazing. I seem to have the opposite problem. I've never taken stuff literally once I grew out of that phase in childhood, I caught onto what people actually meant by watching how others react to them. But my issue is that so many people take ME literally. Because of my word usage and the tone of my voice. So many people have said to me 'only a Sith speaks in absolutes.' and I'm like, what? I'm not speaking in absolutes. What are you talking about? So this video has been very helpful in understanding. I can understand the language people are speaking but I'm having a hard time speaking it back.
They’re right. Only a Sith speaks in absolutes. (Joking)
Seriously though, I think it’s their way of saying that you seem to have black and white thinking. i.e. seeing things as all one way or all another way, with no grey area and nothing in between.
Two things from my own experience:
1. In some situations, making this distinction is trivial for me, because it's so obvious. In others I might not be looking for the hidden meaning and completely miss it. Part of it is the loop of experience - reflect - understand but the other part is simply how clear it is.
2. Using that kind of language actively (i.e. making jokes, exaggerations, etc) comes a lot more easily for me than (and came a lot earlier) than understanding it with others. I believe that this is because I can know the true meaning I want to convey and thus appropriately differentiate my mannerisms (e.g. a big grin to make it abundantly clear that I didn't mean something in a mean spirited way). It makes sense, in a way. If you take a complex polynomial function f(x)=y, seeing only the result (y) means you may have a lot of work to do to get x with multiple possible solutions even, but knowing where it all comes from (knowing x), you can easily get to the y, how it's supposed to look at the end.
so useful thank you. totally have that experience around "miss you". super confusing.
Hi Carl,
Very Nicely put. I often did not understand what my parents said when they used to exaggerate or give reasons about my past, but now I understood that they are doing their best to make me understand what I could have done better so that I can improve upon the past incident. Literally speaking, I used to get swayed away by the emotions of my past and get stuck there and make irrelevant connections to if I get married or not. My parents thought I was getting the point when I used to tell the answer or contribute to what they were doing, but now I just listen, process and assimilate the facts and get the learning correct. Thanks a lot for this video, it t=has helped me with understanding information better.
Regards,
Bhargav
I’m sorry you went through that confusing experience. Thank you for this information. It was genuinely helpful!
Thanks for the videos. Been married for 30 years to a man that takes things literally more than emotional. I babysat a child that was autistic in the 1980's and am friends with him in 2019. Appreciate your effort to explain Aspergers. My son and I took speech therapy years ago when he was a child. He is grown, now. Prayers and Blessings. MM arr
I wish to hear more about this, and exactly what you mentioned in the end.
I find it hard to deal with emotional people because their feelings often take me over and it gets fifficult to set boundaries to protect myself in a nice way.
Most people get angry ehen I cannot carry their problems.
I have practised quite a lit to explain how I feel to others without being totally overwhelming.
It gets hard, though, if that person gives mixed messages, like ”I am prepared to listen”, but then is all closed off and gets defensive and such...
When prople are opening up in a creepy way, I just sort of snalyse, and that can offend them. So it goes both ways.
Definitely would appreciate more on this subject. I need to understand, so I can put into practice, the best way to communicate with my 14 year old granddaughter, who has only recently been diagnosed with Autism. Thank you 🙏 for all you are doing, to bring understanding and education to all ♥️♥️
I love this lesson. It's taken me a long time to realise this concept but it still annoys me when people say things like this and sometimes I still misinterpret it...
I’m working hard to be more easy going, honest, & expressive with people.
I am also practicing patience with every one 🧐🙂🥰
I struggle with seperating the literal from the emotional hugely. In a workplace setting, particularly, I struggle with constructive guidance as I take things.... I was going to say literally but perhaps I interpret them emotionally and that's the issue. I would like to hear fmore from you on this.
Yes, I would definitely agree. I am not an Aspie, but my partner is, and when he is hurt by something someone has said that he interpreted differently than they meant, he is definitely responding emotionally. However, I think it is a kind of PTSD or negative response pattern due to previous negative engagements, like a response habit. I have ADD, and am very honest, so he trusts me, but even with me he sometimes responds as though I have tried to hurt him.
For things that matter to him, like music, he absolutely has zero tolerance for other opinions... As though the creation is part of himself. I think all people believe their creations are important if they have put in effort, and have a hard time dealing with criticism, but somehow I think that his feelings go beyond creating something separate from himself into creating a new part of himself.
Thank you! The "I wish I could see you" example was eye opening for me.
This was so interesting to me as a neurotypical person who finds interpreting other peoples emotions hard unless they are able to express them! I’ve spent such a long time struggling in my own relationships feeling like something is wrong or is my fault because the person I am speaking to doesn’t have the same emotional vocabulary as me. I love hyperbole, I love using analogies and comparisons to express myself. I can remember conversations where I’ve dismissed someone who is telling me that they feel a certain way. I’ll responded confused saying something like I hear that you’re telling me you are sad/frustrated/in love but I don’t believe you because you’re not making me FEEL it. To me it feels like they are telling me what I want to hear to shut me up or dismissing how deeply I feel something.
It’s been such an eye opener watching this to think wow, it doesn’t mean that person isn’t feeling something strongly just because they cannot articulate in a way that conveys that magnitude.
It’s going to be something I need to work on because it’s so difficult to me to take what someone is saying at face value when I wear my heart on my sleeve to such an extent. If I’m in a good place emotionally then I can rationalise. If I’m feeling anxious or in a heightened state I take the lack of feedback as the person I am communicating with not caring. That feeds directly back into the anxiety and makes it worse. I feel like I couldn’t be shouting louder I’m not ok. It makes me double my efforts to convey with body language and words how I’m feeling to try and evoke this response I’m expecting. So to someone who does not communicate like me that’s probably totally confusing and intimidating and probably seems like an extreme overreaction which is almost certainly true. If I was expressing myself like they are expressing themselves to me then I would be lying and I probably wouldn’t care deeply about the subject so it makes me panic when I am dealing with it from someone else.
So if anyone has any advice on what I could say to a partner or friend to explain this. Or even a strategy I can use to find comfort in what that person is telling me when I need it I would greatly appreciate it.
These videos are fantastic.
This sounds a bit narcissistic honestly. It's easier to say what you mean and take people at face value when they say what they mean. You don't have to/can't make others feel anything (they see through their perception), and they aren't responsible for making you feel anything either. It sounds exhausting. Honestly, it strikes me as very cluster B.
I think it might be helpful to look at the possibility you felt unheard at a critical time when you were young. Do you have dreams you are shouting or crying but nobody can hear you, for example
Yes i noticed my partner took things very literally and would mix up the emotional communication. You are very self aware.
You're such a relieve for me you have no idea, you just cure a big part of my heart and ease my brain and soul
This is one I really, really struggle with. I’ve always had a tendency to take thing literally. I get very frustrated when people around me aren’t direct. I think everyone around me (family and close friends) altered the way they communicate with me because it made it easier to communicate with me. Had I known about this when I was younger, I might have been able to meet them halfway, but no one ever discussed this with me.
Same! I really value directness. I don’t care if it’s something I don’t like, it’s easier than trying to figure out someone’s intention
Thank you very much for this video. It's very helpful to see how it's all broken down, and makes so much sense...this is needed for so many of us who struggle with taking things literally or personally. Been misunderstood, as well as misunderstanding people, my entire life.
The example you put in about your friend "wishing" she could see you really irks me too. It took awhile for me to figure out that people were gently putting me down when expressing interest in spending time together, I wish they would just be frank instead of cryptic.
Fascinating, such a clear way to explain the difference between experiences. Thank you for the clear content!! The synthesis of something that felt so abstract is so clear now. Amazing!! The concept really helped me as well. Great insights and reflections!
I can relate so well to this. My husband always communicate with information when I try to express my emotion. We just keep going around the circle every time we have an argument 🙈
I am now 61, I started creative writing as a young teenager and recognise that I can say much more through writing than I ever can through speech. My writing has been published and is often described as 'powerful', probably because I have freedom to connect with my emotions in a way that I can't when speaking. When I speak, it is frequently misunderstood. When I write, it is is rarely ambiguous. If I spoke as I write, it would take ages to formulate one sentence - yet I can write quickly.
the word literally itself! like there's a comment below a youtubers video where the commenter says: 'I literally died when you... in the video'. literally died? how do you type then? OK, it's obvious, still annoys me.
and how do you know if you can take the sentence literally and when it's just an emotion expession?. it's hard for me sometimes. like in the example you said. I would start thinking about how we could meet personally. what else?
The literally thing annoys me too. What is funny is that so many people use it in that manner, that the dictionary has redefined it. Usually, when someone uses literally in that manner, I will reply with a similar sentence that uses the word figuratively or I will make a remark about what they said that uses the word figuratively. It makes me feel better, but they just look confused...
Good video, thanks for uploading! Miscommunication and being too literal are a way of life, for sure.
NT's exhaust me with their social expectations and rules (which I apparently violate constantly without realizing it at the time), but I am equally tiresome for them with my intensity and general Aspiness. I have tried to be different than I am for my whole life, but it truly is futile. Just getting diagnosed last year at the age of 32 helped me so much mentally. At least now it all makes sense, even if it doesn't change my reality or day-to-day experience.
When she said “I wish I could see you...”, it doesn’t mean she misses you. It is just a typical start of an excuse. She just doesn’t upset you. You can always make time when you want to see someone.
Dude! I’m so thankful full for this video, this really helped me to understand myself and why sometimes it’s hard for me to catch up some stuff people say, plus I’m a highly emotional person. This is quite the reveling moment. Appreciated man! Do more videos about this, please; your point of view might keep helping a lot of people who didn’t even know they are like this. Just like we are.
Thank you for this video, you have blown my mind. I now know that I really really need to learn how to tell the difference between exaggeration and literal speaking. I hope it isn't too difficult!
Your channel’s so valuable. Thanks for being so passionate about helping out your fellow aspie, words cant express how grateful I am for finding your work!
'The emotional brain has no words... expressing emotion is inherently ambiguous' 👏 👏 👏
Thank you so much for making this video!! I have the hardest time with taking things “too” literally. It’s incredibly hard to know when people aren’t being literal! I’m about to be 36 in July and I still have major issues with this! I don’t think it will ever go away but the whiteboard lists will definitely help me!!
Thanks for making this video. The last bit about correcting exaggerated language is probably good advice for me. I've done that with friends thinking I'm helping them, because when I went through cognitive behavioral therapy I found it helpful myself to be "called out" on my word choices, but sometimes people find it annnoying or get upset with me. It seems weird to me that people don't want to use more accurate words when they speak but oh well, I guess that's just the way things are.
I'm going to start taking notes on these videos. I hope you don't mind, but they are extremely helpful to me and seeing something written down is how I understand it better.
I feel that this works both ways, inasmuch as people's actions can also be taken too literally. Forever, any time someone got angry with me I 'knew' they wanted me gone if not dead. If my boss was upset I 'knew' I was fired. If someone was kind I 'knew' I could trust them with anything.
My favorite saying all my life has been "Words mean things". Now I know why. Now I know why I suck at relationships.
And now I can fix it.
I liked it even before listening!
So much difference and so important.
Often, people have no idea that what their words say is not what they mean, and this can be huge trouble for someone on the spectrum.
Thank you
dude i get so mad when people say "miss you!" or "let's hang out!" or "omg i love you!" i often try to go down the rabbit hole of explaining why i don't like it, because I know they're being figurative, but that knowledge doesn't stop my impulse to cringe and need to explain. every one of your videos is ticking boxes.
The knowing but not being able to entirely prevent myself from reacting to it is super frustrating. It's also pretty entertaining for most of my family which isn't exactly helpful.
I will forever not understand why someone would say "let's hang out" as a way of saying "I miss you". Someone simply saying "miss you!" doesn't do anything to me because they're just stating a feeling and that is obvious. Whereas them saying "let's hang out", is something COMPLETELY different (though it does include expressing that feeling) than saying "I miss you".
Now, someone saying "omg I love you!" I don't have any issue with because in my life I have recognized that as a figure of speech used to express excitement and gratitude. In my experience this is generally said by females (or flamboyant gay guys) if you for instance get them a gift they really like, or if you mention that you're interested in something they REALLY like, etc. I don't take that as them LITERALLY saying "i love you". And with this one too, I feel as though when it is used there is plenty of context surrounding its usage to make it really easy to distinguish.
Thank you for clarifying what has been a big deal for me - people saying one thing that often means something else.
Also, customer service people, both on the telephone and in person saying: “I’ll be back in a second/minute.” Something in me says (in my mind): “Why don’t you say ‘moment’?”
A “second/minute” is a definite period of time. A “moment” is indefinite.
I have to stop myself from saying “Your second/minute is up!” Even making it a joke often flies over their heads, because it’s “just an expression” to them!!!
My need to clarify language has often made people dislike me. They believe I’m merely “correcting” them, when my main intention is clarification, for my understanding.
Blessings!
I feel the same way when I hear “I’m speaking my truth” it drives me insane
@@livelikekings8968
The toxic ex used to use that same expression to excuse the lies he told!!!
Definitely “crazy-making”!
I think its the capacity to hear the multiple meaning for one phrase and deduce based off the context of the conversation instantly. If you have zero social skills and you dont speak to a lot of people this capacity will atrophy and you will literally take everything literally and the flow of information from others will slow you down on assessing the meaning.
Yes, I would love to hear more about this (since you asked us to let you know, I'm taking you literally!)
There was a book that really helped me. The german title is miteinander reden by schulz von thun. He describes that every communication has four totally independent catrgories. Information, emotion, what you say about your self and relation of the speaker and the listener. You might add an information about what to actually do. This applies for not verbal communication as well.
There is a conflict when both people in communication do not match what is the most inportant aspect. A classic example is an emotional person who gets an information as answer.
This book completely changed my life bevause i always have reduced all communication to information only.
Oh. I thought I know the difference. But I would never thought that "I would like to see you" might not be literal. I mean - yes this express emotion. But, missing somebody and not trying to meet? Mind blown.
I totally love this video. As a non autistic person I'd really like to know if it's possible for those on the spectrum to learn how to understand non literal language if they are given help. I'd also like to see a video about what therapies and programs can help children and teens with autism so they don't need constant care and can lead productive meaningful lives like everyone else. I have a friend with an autistic teen but feel she's been too protective as a parent. She also refused to put up the money to get her diagnosed as a toddler so she only got speech therapy until her publicly funded diagnosis at 8. I think the girl had potential but the combination of overprotective parenting and not getting intensive therapies as a baby have made her overly dependent for her age. She also gets to avoid any situations that bring up unpleasant emotions such as anxiety or stress instead of confronting them and learning how to cope with things like school administrators not listening to her. She changed high schools twice in one year possibly because of the avoidance. My friend rarely seems to have time for me and often cancels things at the last minute. I'd love her and her kid to see your videos. Hope someone can answer my questions. It's great to see an autistic person take some responsibility for trying to cope with their disability instead of always hearing about group home people who assault others. My friend does care work and all I hear about is intellectual disabilities and autistic people who seem to have little or nothing to offer. It really gets me down. I've had to go online to learn about the best people with autism. Thanks very much for such wisdom and self awareness.
In a world of fish the one with legs that breathes air is deficient as a fish.
Check out the double empathy problem.
I have met Aspie people with these struggles and your video really brings home what is going on.
Your videos are incredibly helpful. Thank you
Thank you!! I had no idea I was so literal. I totally understood those emotions category in an Aspie way! I thought I had figured that subject out!
This is what I have struggled with all my life. I am 51 now and have always upset myself and other people with consistently getting this wrong. We can try but in the situations where you have to focus on this there are so many other things going on its hard to focus on getting this right. Its so difficult to do and mistakes keep happening whatever i do or how hard I try.
Yes!! Im very robotic, but without the endurance. 🤖😩 Communications with others are exhausting.
Yes, would love a video on how to deal with someone who is emotional
(I may or may not be an aspie. I am not sure, but it seems that in every aspie video I watch, there are things I can relate to.) As regards taking things literally, a big one for me is when people say, "See you later." I always think it means they plan to see me later, and can never remember it's just another way to say, BYE.
I am just now realizing why I refuse to say some expressions. Even though I understand they are metaphors, I always think of the actual literal meaning and it bothers me. Like "I'm dying to see you". I understand it's a form of expressing how much I want to see you, but I am NOT DYING TO SEE YOU, so why say it? I tend to find other expressions that are more precise.
Thank you, Paul. I have made a screenshot of your information on the board and hope to apply this whenever I encounter a problem in the big bad world out there. My psychologist told me I have a tendency to personalize things which is true.
I only realized I had aspergers recently. Everything makes sense now. All the stimming all the misunderstandings and always wanting to be told what to do
Here's my description written before I saw the video.
Shakespeare wrote, "It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief, That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she."
We all are used to metaphors. The sun is bright and illuminates our world. Juliette made the world bright for him.
We all are used to idioms too, such as "It's raining cats and dogs." Idioms can be learned, but poetic speech that involves metaphors can be created by someone in the moment, and while not literally true, everyone realizes it's not literally true, and generally they get the meaning.
I now have watched part of the video. It's notable that someone can use idioms, and even metaphors, to relate information too. The comments "I could kill for a coffee." That's poetic speech by extreme metaphor to express emotion. However, "I'm as hungry as a horse" might be an idiom - speech that developed historically and lots of people use it.
My younger brother, who I was really close to (emotionally) growing up, had severe Aspergers. One thing I could relate to for relationships that also applies to some neurotypical people who want to be *problem solvers* is that unless someone is explicitly asking for help, don't try to solve their problems. Instead, show sympathy for expressed feelings. Have that be the default reaction. Pay close attention to see if someone is looking for a solution.
This video takes this idea to an an extreme.
It's Not About The Nail
th-cam.com/video/-4EDhdAHrOg/w-d-xo.html
TY have always sruggled with this now i step back and analyze what the person is really saying
I'm 74 and have had that same thought about nobody liking me my entire life. I think it's a normal thought. What's likely not normal is my reaction, namely, I embrace it and am glad, because that often translates to being left alone, which to me is Nirvana!
It's not a surprise that we are tired so much of the time when all we seem to do is decipher vague communicate from the majority of people we encounter. I find it so much easier with animals. I often think that people don't really know what they are trying to say and therefore just say anything, sometimes with a view to correcting or editing the words once they have been spoken.
Thanks. Clear. Direct. Well Done. Thank You.
So well put, thanks!
While I understand the information your are presenting. I often have trouble picking up on it in conversation. It’s one thing to know that people use figurative language, it’s an entirely different thing to pick it up on the fly and respond back in an appropriate manner.
Wow, I am glad that I already know this but the fact is that this strategy cannot be used to prevent the confusion. There will always be the confusion when hearing it for the first time, only after deeply thinking about it do you understand the emotional meaning. The confusion will often leads to frustration. I decided to look for professional help because the frustration became to much. Normal people don't make sense and I can't deal with it by myself.
I kinda feel like Harry Potter when he found the Half-blood princes notebook since I randomly stumbled upon your videos 4 days ago. I had quite a few realizations already but you helped me make life easier on myself so much in barely 4 days... I could get emotional
Needed this!!! Emotional moods are extremely confusing. Am going to use this theological strategy. Thank you!!
About the example with the friend who said "I wish I could see you":
I think your first gut feeling was right and that she was just lying. People do that when they don't have the courage to give away their true emotions and rather want to appear as someone who is (or rather talks as being) kind and polite.
That is sad. I mean which ever way it was really meant. But don't worry/over think too much looking forward to new experience and connections.
(This a subjective opinion of mine. I could be wrong.)
Very well laid out point, very clearly communicated.
I appreciate your efforts..but honestly speaking as an autistic person I can only learn and understand these social and emotional aspects of the human behaviour from your video and other sources.these things save a lot of emotional breakdown which I was having previously.but as a person with asd it is not actually posible to implement all these social and emotional rules in real life situation as it gets complicated to remember and implement all these things at a time.imagine a brain without having a part for emotional functioning..and I can't just put in those emotions which is not natural for me inside it..but no worry I am still struggling to live mostly by copying others..it's so frustrating..thanks and regards bro. For your efforts.. people like u make this earth a beautiful place..
I have a teenage son having a very difficult time with dating feeling accepted and I really want him to see your videos without making him feel more uncomfortable or strange etc
I enjoy writing poetry, so love using metaphors and just generally playing around with language, and yet I often take what others say word for word, aka literally. For instance, I avoid offering to negotiate while making plans to get together with someone, and as I think about it, I'm cut and dried in order to get the plan out of the way. Negotiation is scary territory for me. I can see now that might be considered antisocial or _________________ fill in the blanks..... Boy, this is a big one for me. Thanks, Paul.