What is so beautiful in my case is that I told my boyfriend after the first date about my autism, I thought it would put him off but it made him want to get to know me even more. Over time he confessed to me that he thought he could be an aspie too, and were going through the process of being diagnosed atm, but its pretty obvious he is one too and it creates such a connection between us (not saying it cant work with neurotypicals too) but we understand each other so well, we make each other so happy and feel we were made for each other :)
"Due to gender roles in heterosexual relationships, in our society, life, the world, culture, reality, whatever you want to call it, men are usually expected to take the lead and initiate romantic/sexual relationships. This requires a certain amount of confidence and social skills, social dynamics and social intelligence, conversation ability and human interaction ability, certain social behaviors, which can be very difficult to develop for those who've faced a lot of social isolation and rejection for many years, or have a condition that affects their ability to socialize, such as autism, etc. People who fail to develop these traits due to lack of positive experiences, are much less able to compete with their peers for romantic/sexual relationships. As said before, men being generally expected to initiate and escalate, the lack of these traits affects their ability to find and attract a romantic/sexual partner, or to get into a relationship, to a much larger degree than it does for women." i thought that was a very powerful and valid post, perfectly worded.
Try being exceptionally handsome and autistic its the worst ever, you aproach women who are drooling over you only to get rejected time and time again, that will knock your confidence like nothing else in this world can, then you dont even approach someone you realy really like who is beeming at you with smiles because you know your just going to get rejected, then try lying in bed at night at all the thosands of opportunities you missed because you didnt know how to get a woman like evveryone else and how easy it would be for anyone else in your possition to get thosands of stunning women, but because your you you are still alone forever and will die alone, and try seeing everone online comment on how women only go for good looking guys and know you are in the top 1% of atractive guys in an industry full of exceptionally attractive guys and that level of frustration and failure will eat you up inside more than anything you can imagine. My life is hell on earth.
@bronsonleach3573 look on the brightside. The guys who slip through the cracks just make more kids who have to learn all that stuff in an age of social media and cancel culturee. Forget one rejection leading to rejection form all a girls friends. It can go even wider than that.
I just started dating a man with Aspergers. He is perfect in every way and I’ve never had a connection with someone like I do with him. I want our relationship to work as to why I am watching this video! This was very helpful, thank you. I will explore your channel more and your website.
That is exactly why I'm watching this video too. I met this one guy and he is the sweetest person I've ever met. We've been talking for a couple weeks and he got up the courage to tell me he has Aspergers. Which he doesn't usually tell anyone. I want to get to know him more and he wants to get to know me more as well. Thank you for this video!
Same here! I’ve been dating my boyfriend with Aspergers for 5 months now, and he is amazing! He told me on our third date, and I told him that my best friend of 17 years has Aspergers. I’m really grateful that I’ve found this channel, and I’ll definitely be subscribing!
@@Destiny_rae I have it as well I’ve never been in a relationship before because my lack of social skills it sucks because the women I try to meet think I’m weird but I don’t know what to do I really want a girlfriend but it’s so hard to communicate effectively and not be awkward and actually processing information they say is hard for me as well my friends know I have it but they don’t understand how bad it really affects my life because just the thought of approaching a women i see and like is overwhelming let alone trying to have a conversation.
Right here. I have come to a place of not sure I’ll ever get married and a family because relationships are such a struggle. My best friend is my mom because I have no friends. I just feel like it’s not possible for me. I guess you could say I’ve given up.
My boyfriend just asked me to marry him after 3 months of dating and i said yes to him but asked him if he was aware of the fact that I have Asperger's and he didnt run away from it and that was the best feeling ever because its not easy for me to communicate how i feel and how to cope with my emotional anxiety but hes the best he just calms me and support me in every way
Please don’t rush into marriage. Logic says to date them for at least a year; see how they act through the holidays and birthdays. Some can keep a false face until they have you locked down, and the abuse begins. We seem to wind up with narcissistic partners, which is very destructive to our self esteem.
I am 38 yrs & went undiagnosed autism for my whole life. I’m susceptible to abuse and I have been treated as inferior because my brain works differently. I have felt a lot of resentment dissolution & anger because I can’t be understood. I no longer trust peopleI feel like I have to wear a mask to socialize. It’s killing me inside.
@@homiesenatep This is a birth defect not something that is treatable with pills. If I could have gotten rid of my autism through medication I would but there is no such thing. If someone that was nerotypical had autism for one day I would almost guarantee half of them would kill themselves from the sheer way are brain works and all the insecurities we deal with on a daily basis. That is why we require a routine that helps us get through the day. We all have a cooping mechanism or many of them. I am really nervous I shake my foot. Stressed out I rock back and forth. I am confused I play with my beard. The thing is each of us is different and most of us are incompatible with each other dating wise. Many of us want a nerotypical person as a spouse for many reasons. Help us make it through the day. Calm us down when really stressed. Get us more comfortable with getting out of a routine. I am really struggling with dating I am only 20 but but people my age just are not understanding of me.
somehow I was able to seduce a man at work without words - but, our coworkers weren't having it and ruined it. They convinced him that I was defective and they bullied me into quitting. i came sooo close to finally getting a boyfriend...soo close
My boyfriend of 3 years has Asperger's. We are very happy - I moved in with him 6 months ago and it's wonderful. Part of what works for me is that I too enjoy solitude, and so no-one feels hurt when the other withdraws for a while That hyper-focusing thing works for me because he's focused on an area (medieval music) which is important to me, and he devotes hours and hours to learning and studying. Google? I don't need Google - I have an autistic boyfriend!! BTW Paul likes eating out and having me cook equally well. I do find that his tolerance for menu repetition is WAY higher than mine. I basically cook the same 4 meals over and over.
That's inspiring 😅 I've had many girl friends but I never allowed myself, or them, to get close enough to be a girlfriend or even a date. That's harmful for a young man, trust me.
Yes, I relate to #3. When I'm with my mom, and I'm exhausted after a full day of work, I often find it so hard to process what she is saying that I have to ask her to go back several sentences and start over. (I am 58 and she is 86.)
This is the style of show in the video that I prefer from you. It has my vote when you have five tips or a top 10 of something and everything is kind of organized.
My boyfriend just got diagnosed and now our relationship is making more sense. I am learning so much from your videos. He is 41 and not believing this is what he has.
A platonic friend of mine was diagnosed with bipolar depression, but it is my opinion and the opinion of everyone who I have introduced him to that he is definitely on the spectrum. I’m surprised he does not see it. From videos and comments that I have watched, so many people that get a late diagnosis have a huge weight lifted off the shoulders and had that, “ah ha” moment.
Thank you so much for these tips. My best friend is an Aspie. The more I watch your videos, the more I understand him, how he feels and why he changes subjects we talk about quickly. He’d rather text than talk on the phone. When we go out, why he acts the way he does. I’m starting to understand him more. We’ve been close friends for the last 5 months and we text everyday. We have busy weekly schedules so we get together on our free weekends. Thank you again. I look forward to learning more about Aspie relationships. Thank you
The hardest part with my girlfriend and I are her siblings and family member (sisters and cousin) i get anxious about how they're trying to make us split cause of my autism spectrum they see it as a joke thinking I'm "faking" it to get her to love me not only that just last night her sibling message me on her phone saying "can you stop harassing my sister she's sick" i get impatient when i want to talk to her but siblings keep butting to start even more problems at us
I feel for you, you should defenitely tell her that, and also tell that to her parents. We as aspies have a tendency to suffer from anxiety and depression, and are hypersensitve, just by reading your story I'm bursting in rage and sad at the same time, it is not fair for this kind of things to happen, justice shall come in some way. In my case, my girlfriend's family really doesn't know, but she was the first person to tell me that i probably have asperger, and she found out moments before we started dating. She has a master in neuroscience, and has experience working with children with autism, and in that dinner when she found out, her former supervisors were present, they being two of the greatest experts in Autism Spectrum Disorder in my country, and she noticed that they reached that conclusion by having dinner with us at a pub. That was 10 months ago, just 4 weeks ago i started to go to a psychologist that is also an expert on autism, and she confirmed my asperger since day one.
@@Elizbethhhh sad news we broke up in december cause she lied about being sick only to find someone who cared but brighter news i found someone who treats me right like a human not an object
I'm 24 and have mild, mild ASD and it's taken years, but I finally was able to obtain experience in a dating relationship. I told her about my autism on our second date and she was more than okay with it. In fact, she almost wanted to see more of what makes me tick and it worked quite well for the both of us. However, this didn't last as she told me she couldn't be around to see me enough. Regardless, I believe your videos among others have helped me comprehend what it means to have a relationship so much that I'm ready for another shot! Thanks for your tips, Dan, and I hope you keep putting them up for people like me to see!
@@joaocosta3374 Wow, it's been a few years since I made that comment! I haven't dated since then, but I'd say I'm over her because we don't talk anymore. You could say we tried to be friends, but every time I wanted to video chat, she made excuses and we ultimately didn't. Whatever. It's for the better and I think I'm better off working on myself before dating again.
I’ve just met a mate who is on the spectrum. I have a lot of apprehensions because this is so new to me, but he truly makes me laugh and seems genuine. Tonight is the first date and I have been searching and reading so many resources that way I can approach this first encounter most mindful. Thank you for your content.
10:40 As an English Aspie living in Sweden, I have not only got to translate their language, I have to translate their body language, tone and facial expressions. When one grows up in a country, one learns (well the best one can) their cultural mannerisms. And when I speak to them, I think in English, translate to NT, translate NT (including dumbing it down) to Swedish and it becomes so stressful especially when dealing with Authorities. Swedes seem to have less body language and facial expressions, so it is so frustrating trying to read them, especially up in the "reserved" north.
It can also be helpful to use the cultural gap as an excuse when you misinterpret something and don’t understand. I’m originally from Germany but have lived in the UK for 4 years and have used it as an excuse sooo many times. Someone tells me I was awkward in a certain situation? ‘Oh, I’m sorry. I’m from Germany and we do things a little differently there and I didn’t realise’ It works so well because people are less judgmental when you have the explanation of ‘I don’t understand this because I didn’t grow up with it’ 😅
Thank you for this, I've started dating a guy who is diagnosed with aspergers, adhd, dyslexia etc (I'm pretty sure I also have autism myself but never been diagnosed) and I wanna learn more about how to understand him have no issues besides him not knowing how to talk to other girls while in a relationship but i have spoken to him about it and since been doing much better otherwise most loving, caring, hard working guy I have ever met and I'm a bit older than him but he acts older than some guys I know had head on right, and easy to talk to and I'm learning everyday on how to be in a happy relationship with someone who has aspergers but been great so far and my son loves him too and they can relate to eachother as I'm also getting my son diagnosed but yeah definatly stjll learning dos and donts though he has spoken to me about it but love hearing other people's advice so I can learn more so thank you
"when you're ADHD and are on the spectrum, you might get angry at someone and hyerfocus, and then stop being angry because you redirect your energy towards something else" oh, so that's it, that's why i can't keep myself being consistently mad at someone for hours xD now it makes sense, but i had never thought about it before
These dating and relationship videos and the MOST HELPFUL! I listen to ALOT of relationship/marriage advise videos as well as lots of asperger's videos and books and I having to juggle the advice of the AS and NT videos/books is a mental workout! There is not that many good asperger's relationship advise videos out there..thank you so much
The very first book I read on dating with Asperger’s gave me terrible advice. It suggested that I should just wait until a girl approached me first, then go somewhere private to ask her out. I found out that’s not how things work in the real world. Women rarely ask men out on dates and men are supposed to chase women. I knew this was true to an extent, but I didn’t know how true it really was. After about 10 years of waiting for a woman to approach me first, it never happened. I had to change my strategy.
@ 10:00 omg THIS...whenever I get into a heated moment or discussion- I think fight or flight kicks in and I like, can't take any information in at all...and it makes them more frustrated. It's so comforting to learn it isn't just me!
I met my bf online. He lived in another state. We visited each other a few times for the weekend. I fell in love and I I guess he did to, he decided to move to my state after 6 months. Never noticed anything different until he moved in with me. I noticed “weird” or abnormal behavior. For example, we’ll be eating dinner and he’ll just get up in the middle of dinner and wash his hands then go back and continue eating or get up and do random things such as start wiping counters or washing a few dishes in the sink. I’ll tell him” babe finishing eating first don’t worry about it” Also, I noticed he doesn’t comprehend certain things or jokes, funny movies and such. We had our first big argument because he decided to go behind my back and start looking for a home to buy. I was emotional trying to get him to understand and told him what he has done is wrong, and told him he needed to move I wasn’t going to wait until he found a house. He flipped on me. He picked something up and slammed it to the floor breaking it, I walked away scared and saw him laying on the ground breathing kind of hard but no tears. He then was begging to please let him stay. I felt bad. He apologized for getting angry and breaking something and said “ I don’t know how to communicate with you” After living together for a couple of months. He just seemed odd. I noticed he doesn’t like confrontation. Like he goes with the motions. He doesn’t know how to communicate. He kind of seems cold. To me he really doesn’t feel what he did was wrong. He said he needed his own place because here I have no order or plan ahead. Which I feel there is and I do but he’s extreme. Also, when we’ve gone to family gatherings, ge goes in his own car and acts awkward around my family. He often wonders off by himself at a family function. He says things that don’t make any sense, it’s irrelevant. He also, seems like he doesn’t understand when I’m crying and emotional why I’m hurt. He’ll just say just relax go to bed. And it makes me mad even more lol So I started thinking maybe he’s autistic. A lot of what you say on these videos describes him.
So I know this is an old vid, but I would still like to say thank you for making it. I have been diagnosed with asperger early and never really learned what that meant to me. It just meant I was put on a lot of courses to "control my emotions" and adapt to a neurotypical world. Now Im finally at a place where I can look at and accept where I am different. Thank you ❤
This explains so much I know I have Asperger’s and I’ve never been in a relationship because of my poor social skills women like me but when they meet me and see how awkward I am it probably runs them off and it sucks because I want a girlfriend but it’s so hard for me but this explains so much
I think for eating out it depends on my mood and the atmosphere. I like eating out, but it can be stressful/awkward. These are definitely good tips, i know I've tried to apply the first to anyone i know.
My hardest thing is just getting a girl to talk to me and breaking the ice... If I can somehow manage to do that and getting them on a date, I can't get them on the 2nd date... This has been my experience for the past 20 years...I hate feeling like this...
I can relate. I get the same problem. Countless first dates, But have never been on a second. I mentioned it in another comment on here, but what happens is that people stay away from you if they know you are different. Take for example someone who is extremely popular, loved by the ladies, had lots of friends, is the life of the party, etc... One day, lets say...he gets in an accident. He survives, but now is missing an arm. He is still the same wonderful person. Nothing happened to his brain. He has coped with the situation like a champ, he doesn't let it get him down, he is still the life of the party, etc... But that does not erase the fact that he is now different. Therefore, most of his former friends now steer clear of him, the ladies no longer want anything to do with him. Pretty fucked up. And with Aspergers, you can certainly learn and skill build, but people will still steer clear of you just for the fact you are different.
This has literally made me cry… this explains so much about my daughters father. Our relationship is rocky and this honestly has explained so much. I’m going to continue to watch a lot of videos to better understand him and better communicate
Totally relate to audio processing while stressed. So often I find my brain full of noise and I can't quite understand other people. This is frustrating to both parties. Thank you so much for your insights on this. Knowledge and power and I feel like, even at 28, I'm on a path of self discovery.
Sometimes with my ex he would talk and talk and talk, and I would get really stressed because it was too much information for me to process. I also notice that I sometimes repeat what someone says to me to actually hear what they’re saying.
The Audio issue..... It’s exhausting for us on the spectrum as well Dan. As much as it royally sucks, Being in a long term long distance relationship has helped me and my partner ( who is currently healing physically and mentally to move forward) get to really know each other. Really enjoyed this, Do you think that your partner would be comfortable and you as well discussing her side of things?
I find it useful to say things like "I really don't think you said what I just heard, could you please repeat?" I will also tell me partner when I mis-hear or mis-read things from other sources, and tell them what I heard or read wrong - it helps them understand how radically off I can perceive things, and is an inclusive moment.
Dan. I started watching your videos early last year because I suspected my husband and son had Aspergers. They were both diagnosed. Thank you so much for all of your videos. They have helped me so much.
I appreciate the way you explained the audio deficit. If I'm in a meeting or group setting. It's so hard for me to process the audio, let alone keep up enough to chime in.
Hi Dan, your advice about calm down time during a disagreement is great advice for anybody. Good communication is key to purposely understanding and trying to view how the other person feels and the chill out time gives time to do that 🥰
Great video Dan, many thanks! Eating in and watching movies together, gardening, cooking and even doing the cleaning are things my BF and I like to share but the moods swings can be hell when the other one doesn't have a clue and when you can actually feel pretty much everything around you. Lists and written communication, as advised by your GF has proven to be quite effective actually, and spending some time alone too, otherwise you get easily overwhelmed when you work long hours, have lots of responsibilities and have 3 kids the same age who are Aspie too. Therapy helps a lot too. Relationships aren't easy, Aspie or not. Simple as that 😉
As far as take out, go out to eat, or cook...it all depends what what I'm in the mood for. I have aspergers and I was in the military (should had never been in, however I was not aware I have aspergers at the time) and I had the hardest time understanding a lot of the commands. I've gotten in trouble a lot of times because of that. The whole time I was in the service, I was exhausted, anxiety ridden, and depressed. I had no friends, not even within my platoon because no one understood (including myself) what I was going through and to make it worse I had some very traumatizing things take place while I was in. Just as something as simple as not understanding commands or orders right away made it almost impossible for me to function properly, and not just while on duty, but also in my personal life as well (especially dating). So yes I definitely do understand how hard it is to not be able to understand what is like not to be able to comprehend what is being communicating to me. IT SUCKS!!!! I am a VA patient and I really do wish that the VA had more resources for veterans like me because I know that I am not the only veteran with this challenge.
I would like to thank you Dan for the Tip as relationships without those tips would most likely go south which I would not want to happen. If I need ideas in my head then I will refer back to this video as it has helped me out with what to do.
Hi Dan, Just to appreciate your tips on dating, plus appreciate all the education you are dishing out for us suspected NTs to understand the Aspie world. It's also entertaining. You do it sooo well! Not flattery. Just honest admiration. Yes because I have been educated by you and other Aspie divulgators on the condition my best male friend seems to be presenting which is ASD + PDA + ADHD and a couple more but these are the essential ones. I have had to unearth these seemingly neurodivergent ways of his from the most dark of oblivions, and since I came to learn about it all, or suspect about it all as it is not officially tested or anything, I have understood him a lot better ... our relationship is starting to float in the wind nicely, after much diddering and much sequencial pulling out pulling in pulling out pulling in etcetera Thank God ! And to a huge extent this has been possible because I have educated myself watching your videos about the Aspie Worlk, and others' videos too. So just this: Thanks so much! Bless and Best, Yana
Thank you for this video…I’m not diagnosed yet but scheduled to get tested for it because I’m almost positive I am on the spectrum now that I’ve learned about it. Autism runs in my family but it didn’t occur to me that I could have it because I’m used to being around lower functioning autism. It wasn’t until I met my current boyfriend who is high functioning autistic that I learned about it and realized I had so many of the same issues. Learning about relationships with people on the spectrum is fascinating to me because it explains so many things about my past relationships and also gives me tips about my current relationship because I’m not used to dating someone else on the spectrum and we have to learn each others’ unique qualities still and we don’t work the same as most people
When it comes to meltdowns: I had an argument with my boyfriend a few days ago. We had a party happening on Sunday. 1 hour before we were leaving for that party, he told me we were gonna go separately, because he wanted to stay longer until the afterparty. That moment right there, my brain started to shut down, because I didn't plan any of this. I told my bf that I didn't think it was fair of him to tell me this 1 hour before we were leaving. That we were invited together, so we should go together. However, my reaction made him angry, so he ran away to cool down I suppose. I gave him space. But then 30 min later I asked him again if we were gonna go together. And he said no. In fact, he told me I should go home. I was no longer allowed to go to the party with him. That's when my meltdown started. I always try to be honest when I don't feel okay about a certain situation, but he gets angry when I start making an issue of a small thing. It felt like my body was shaking, even though you couldn't see it. But I could def feel it. I just wanted him to understand me and find a solution instead of punishing me.
Jut thank yourself lucky your a woman, if you were male you would NEVER get a date, let alone sex a date or a relationship, you are lucky beyond belif to be spared my life , i will live every second alone and die alone.
I prefer takeout. I like to cook but the cleanup is overwhelming, trying to meal plan is overwhelming, and I don’t have to worry about crowds with takeout.
I prefer organic food preparation food services like “Plated” because I can get fresh health food without having to figure out how to make new dishes (They provide picture cards to make your food and all ingredients are pre-measured). I choose this because I never learned how to cook, and I know I need to eat healthy, so this solves the eating health, eating fresh, and I feel like I am learning to cook as I go. I did use to love to eat out, but my health decreased too much and gained too much weight doing that, so I quit that a long time ago.
Hi Dan. I've just subscribed, after only watching 3 of your videos ! - Thank you for the amazing and wonderful work that you do to help people with Autism, ADHD, Asperger's Syndrome plus others.
I just started dating a girl with Asperger’s and omg I never thought I would fall in love soo much with her and this video really has helped me understand her a lot , thank you
Playing catch up, Haha. Tip number 3 is one I didn't realize I needed. I'm still learning symptoms and such that is actually part of the autism condition. I have people repeat stuff all the time for reasons you said but I couldn't explain. And yes it's very anxiety inducing. Dan I'm definitely gonna be running forward with these for any future relationships as always, thank you!!
Thanks for the video it’s really the guidance I need. I’m not the best at socialization,reading body language and social cues and I’ve struggled with friendships and dating.
When I am stressed and someone tries telling me AnYthing at all, I literally have to shake my head before staring at them while they repeat it or it sounds like russian!!
I like cooking at home because I know what I like, how I like it to be cooked. It gets a little boring, but at least it’s better than paying for something you don’t like!
Thank you for posting this. Last time I dated was 14 years ago and didn't know I was on the Spectrum yet. I remember feeling simultaneously frustrated and guilty because we'd spend the day together (which was socially exhausting) and then he'd say "See you tomorrow" and I'd get very frustrated cos to me I'd just managed a huge thing and he was already planning for it again the very next day. And then the next. 😳 I didn't know the term "masking" yet but was already a pro at it, so he had no idea how overwhelmed I was. Have recently been trying to get back into the dating world, so advice helps a lot right now. Thanks! 😁
Thank you Dan, my bf is not diagnosed but I am so positive he is at least on spectrum. Things you pointed out are really important and will help me to pay more attention as well as to my Aspi daughter.
I'm cutting this in half way through your video, to say I completely agree with audio communication difficulties. I had tough times with school with this ( as I wasn't diagnosed till after I left) and I never couldn't understand why I just didn't get what the teachers were saying, and ended up in a dark place before I got my diagnosis.
Thanks for the video. With regards to understanding what people are saying and having them to repeat several times; I’d love a video on what you actually hear so I can better understand my son 👍🏼
To be honest... This really gives me better ideas on how to handle myself in my own relationship, and it shows me what my girlfriend isn't seeing and maybe we can more work out and not argue so much, and to answer the beginning question. I love to cook at home. Nit much of a take out guy unless its pizza or fries... Maybe a milkshake. But i love home cooking. And thank you again. I hope this helps other's as well because ADHD and Asperger's which i have are no joke and it does feel like others may never understand us. But this video gave me a plan on how to work things out. I hope anyone else can.
I knew I had very little chance at this... but now after watching this, I am almost convinced that I might NEVER find a right life partner for me... PEOPLE AREN'T THAT EMOTIONALLY UNDERSTANDING THESE DAYS IN THIS DAY AND AGE WHERE NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITIES ARE ON A RISE... which in my opinion is the real TOXIC personality disorder.... WE ASPIES are just different, calm, positive and empathic people. I am 35 year old single guy who just discovered being an aspie... any takers?
I've been with my significant over 20 years! He has his house and I have my house! I knew he was quite extraordinary in so many different ways and very eccentric in which I accepted! I never thought he would have had aspergers undiagnosed! I diagnosed him about 7 years ago he is now 65! Lately it has been getting harder being around him.. For example he is getting a new stove and dishwasher! I cannot do any projects with him... Holy moly if I threw out a paper cup! When I clean his house I have to bring the garbage with me to throw out at my house because, he will go through it! Since the old stove and dishwasher has been removed I asked them please can you go leave and go somewhere and come back in about 3 hours! He must have came back twice in the 3 hours that I asked him not too! Believe me his anxiety was hit the roof seeing what I was doing! I cannot do anything half ass however, he can...who's going to see behind the stove who's going to look under the dishwasher? I started to fight with him in which I am very patient but sometimes I do flip out! He doesn't know he has Asperger's but he does have so many traits or characteristics of having Asperger's! His routine is the same ever for a day! He has to wear certain clothes! You cannot get a word in edgewise! Extremely hyper! Plays off of my cues! He's a wonderful person and extremely giving person and shows his love and will do anything to help anyone! I just need some suggestions I do love him very much always did and always will! LOL if he makes a joke and I laugh I will hear his joke over and over again! I'm just beside myself at this moment because it just happened and I needed to vent! Thank you ✌️✌️🤟🤟
I can relate to you so much. I really believe my boyfriend of 3 years has Aspergers and we both are in our 50s. I am just besides myself because I don't know what to do. How do you even bring this up to talk about? I feel so helpless.
@@sands70I'm 60 he's 65 it's getting tough day by day! I've never sat him down I just educated myself on how to deal with it so I understand where you're coming from as far as having a hard time! I wish we could talk about it! I have no support! Very big when it comes to regiments! I am a complete opposite would you like to share some of the things you've experienced with him I'll be more than happy to listen!
I cook a meal at home every night -- without fail. I work as a programmer and part of programming is learning to make your programs efficient. I don't particularly enjoy cooking but I love the process of making my cooking more time efficient. It's kind of like a nerdy cooking method where I want to balance time spent cooking (and washing up) with food quality. I've managed to perfect the art where I make high-quality (albeit simplistic) food and finish washing up all in 15 minutes. My staple dishes are meat dishes like pasta bolognese, thai green curry, and chilli con carne. These are all easily modifiable for vegetarians (say, if I have vegetarian guests over)
I've been fighting aspergers for 32 years lol it complexes my life to a harsh extent ... in a social aspect mostly. I'm with my partner who doesn't have it and gets annoyed when I do some things as repeat the same thing over an over but we make it work its all about compromise. That's the key word
I highly recommend Real Social Dynamics. You should boot camp or seminar, or watch their videos online. RSD changed my life, not only have I been able to have hook ups, STRs and LTRs with awesome girls whenever I want, they’ve helped me make more money, build businesses that I’m passionate about, and eliminate anxiety and limiting beliefs. Also, I highly recommend Todd Valentine, highly highly, he’s a great guy and changed my life
definitely cooking at home and inviting a volunteer to join me in my kitchen experiments...I definitely use some calm down periods to stabilize my emotional reactor...still working on the cool down timing and length... Mood changes are like a change in fuel source, Still working on a way to explain that Effectively... Audio issues related to stress I do explain as early as possible and still am working on How to do it more clearly... getting to know wants and don't wants, likes and dislikes as well as points of interest and non interest is always usefull...I always ask everyone to give me a visual representation of their message... These tips can be useful for any type of relationship...!!!
I like cooking, honestly. I get takeout because it's easy; however, I love to be able to cook, and try out different and weird recipes that I think up on the spot. I've loved cooking since I was a kid.
I have thought that i have a combo of adhd and autism but i've been so scared of being wrong. But wow this video really hit me. I never understood why i can hear somebody ask me something. I hear the words but i cant understand. My brain just hits pause and i keep asking "what?". Then all of a sudden my brain hits play again. I have never heard about anyone that experience this exept for me before. I feel very validated. Thanks for your videos, they are great!!
Usually I love ordering take away, but recently me and my (also aspie) boyfriend have been trying to learn to cook together (my flatmates constantly take the piss if we get something wrong) but we really enjoy it
Thanks ☺️ for this video. Pls more content on this topic & relationship. I'm not diagnosed but I am introverted. Also like a good guy with Aspie. And I m learning to understand him more with ur videos.
I definitely relate but it usually only happens if it's a very personal topic and the stress comes unexpectedly. I still can process the audio input though. My problem is in responding with my own. I come to a loss for words, even if they are wrong.
I met a lovely woman with Autism and I too had never had a connection with someone like her...In person we are AMAZING in every way. We live about 45 minutes to an hour apart so seeing each other is limited. The last 4 weekends we have spent a day or so together. Its been beautiful and surreal when we are together but there are challenges too. Since we communicate a lot over the phone, there are times when there was miscommunication. I sometimes say things that triggers her or hurts her but I am NOT trying to do that. I just dont think like she does. SO I end up feeling like the bad guy....I am just very expressive with people and it can come off as harsh but i am just expressive. I would NEVER say anything to hurt her but we do argue over the phone, when we are in person, we are amazing.... SO I wonder if that is causing the problems....the distance...I cant see her face when we talk so its easy to misunderstand her....especially since she communicates differently than me....I want to understand her....but I seem to trip and say stupid things from time to time....Im HUMAN, lol. Its hard when I feel like she's waiting for me to mess up because of past people, and experiences, but that's not fair to me either, right? I don't want to feel like i have to walk a tightrope with my words or its meltdown time.....So yeah, its not easy...Ill do my best...I hope it can work but either way, I am sooooo grateful to have met such an amazing person.
I have found this video to be perhaps the most helpful of all the ones that I have seen so far. I feel as though I am doing everything correctly now, even before I knew he had Aspergers.
I love eating out with my partner in a peaceful environment with spicey food and good cocktails/wine. Living in Italy this is easy, especially since our third lockdown has lifted. I have learned to avoid meltdown by pausing, breathing, and going to the bathroom. Then I listen, and I tell my partner that while not sharing his opinion, I respect his freedom of thought, and I love him. This works! Yes, I have insomnia, depression, anxiety, ADHD, so it can be very challenging. Thanks for all your advise.
Swnsory issues! Last Saturday we went to a great concept and I wore earplugs so I was able to enjoy it fully; I am a musician with supersensitive hearing
2:40 Skip to end of book hype. Also a better name for the video is '5 relationship advice for aspergers peeps' or something. Also, i really can't relate to the imagination thing, but people are different.
Thank you for this video! I have been casually (mostly sexually) seeing a man for about 7 months and he recently disclosed he has high functioning (his own words) aspergers, for which i outright thanked him for telling me. We spend most weekends together and he is an absolute angel, so intelligent and very hardworking and i admire him very much. When he told me his diagnosis it was like turning on a lightbulb for me and i am trying to learn more as we seem to be getting more involved. He has mentioned taking me to his home state and hinted at meeting his family...as someone who is more NT, i would like to know from anyone with ASD if introducing your S/o to your family is something that is an important/touchy event that is not thrown around lightly or off hand. Tl/dr: Aspie lover/bf of 7 months mentioned directly wanting to take me to his home state and meet his family, is this a serious/exclusive event for ASD individuals to even think to talk about? Cheers
Appreciate your sharing information, please consider talking at a softer, rate. For me you were talking so fast and it's such a excited level that it overpowered your message
My fiancé is a Aspie and right now it’s so good he’s the most amazing man however my little things I want him to work on is communicating and being more open and not shutting off
I'm 52 yrs. Old I've always had hypersensitivity, anxiety so bad over stimulated cant remember things when I'm introduced to someone. Had very hard time in work situations. I have had a pillowcase that I rub fingers on alot since child. I've had meltdown from life so hard that I dont even want to be in stressful situations. Later in life drank alcohol to calm down. Help sir could it be that I have asperger's? I would love it if I could talk to you about this. HELP
I like cooking at home best but I also like getting takeout every so often. Watching bc I started dating someone that I think might have Asperger’s and I want to make sure that I can communicate well bc I like him a lot ♥️
Great tips Dan. Thanks for sharing these with us. Congrats for you and Naomi for being together for ten years relationship... I like to try and cook foods at home as similar settings and also knowing what I put in the foods. I try to usually cops in nosey, busy environment with restaurants. Yes, I believe that with me I tend to ask for clarification or even try to repeat what people are saying to me as people tend to look at me strange. I usually get so overwhelmed to the point that if I'm alone that I talk to myself and get looked at. Also, when I try to talk to I tend to at least block off as many noise and focus more on the conversation... Communication is important in a relationship as well as honesty, trust and loyalty etc. Quick question for you dan: when do you think is the best time to talk about our autism? Lost trail thoughts of what else to write to you... May come back to me if I revisit the video. 😺😺
I feel this. If I'm upset I need to come back to the problem later. Thats me with the audio issue. I feel like my boyfriend Lectures me a lot. We need to work things out
Eating locations depends on my mood honestly if I eat out it’s gotta be cause I’m craving it .. but as a culinary graduate I try to stray away from eating out My “cool downs” are called taking a break ( usually me sitting in the bathtub or the kitchen in the dark ) I think only thing I should do is set time limits cause once I go take my breaks I’m gone for hours and the issue is never resolved I need everything written down just to avoid having to ask things over and over . My phone is full of notes from conversations of the simplest things that I just need to physically see what I was told or asked . Also I’m am not Autistic .. well probably am but no official diagnosis love watching your content 💙 ( Sorry this is so long 🤦🏾♂️)
Haha it’s ok it is a actually one of the smaller comments I get lol :). Thank you so much for the comment! Make sure you are subscribed and have the notifications turned on :).
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What is so beautiful in my case is that I told my boyfriend after the first date about my autism, I thought it would put him off but it made him want to get to know me even more. Over time he confessed to me that he thought he could be an aspie too, and were going through the process of being diagnosed atm, but its pretty obvious he is one too and it creates such a connection between us (not saying it cant work with neurotypicals too) but we understand each other so well, we make each other so happy and feel we were made for each other :)
That's me and my boy friend but she has autism I think I mite have it as well. Plus we feel as we are made for each other
@Satellite TV Axarquia
OMG, That’s such a beautiful love story!!! 😭
This is so amazing ♡♡♡♡
I bet if it was the other way around you wouldn't of dated him
@@gabrielguzman6018 ... yes, I definitely would. Weird comment.
"Due to gender roles in heterosexual relationships, in our society, life, the world, culture, reality, whatever you want to call it, men are usually expected to take the lead and initiate romantic/sexual relationships.
This requires a certain amount of confidence and social skills, social dynamics and social intelligence, conversation ability and human interaction ability, certain social behaviors, which can be very difficult to develop for those who've faced a lot of social isolation and rejection for many years, or have a condition that affects their ability to socialize, such as autism, etc.
People who fail to develop these traits due to lack of positive experiences, are much less able to compete with their peers for romantic/sexual relationships.
As said before, men being generally expected to initiate and escalate, the lack of these traits affects their ability to find and attract a romantic/sexual partner, or to get into a relationship, to a much larger degree than it does for women."
i thought that was a very powerful and valid post, perfectly worded.
Ok so how do we change this?
@@gabrielguzman6018
Learn those things or find a way to compensate.
Or like Many of us go mad and die alone because we failed to learn this.
Try being exceptionally handsome and autistic its the worst ever, you aproach women who are drooling over you only to get rejected time and time again, that will knock your confidence like nothing else in this world can, then you dont even approach someone you realy really like who is beeming at you with smiles because you know your just going to get rejected, then try lying in bed at night at all the thosands of opportunities you missed because you didnt know how to get a woman like evveryone else and how easy it would be for anyone else in your possition to get thosands of stunning women, but because your you you are still alone forever and will die alone, and try seeing everone online comment on how women only go for good looking guys and know you are in the top 1% of atractive guys in an industry full of exceptionally attractive guys and that level of frustration and failure will eat you up inside more than anything you can imagine. My life is hell on earth.
@bronsonleach3573 look on the brightside. The guys who slip through the cracks just make more kids who have to learn all that stuff in an age of social media and cancel culturee. Forget one rejection leading to rejection form all a girls friends. It can go even wider than that.
I just started dating a man with Aspergers. He is perfect in every way and I’ve never had a connection with someone like I do with him. I want our relationship to work as to why I am watching this video! This was very helpful, thank you. I will explore your channel more and your website.
Howd it go? Still together?
_d I’m curious also. I’m very hesitant about it
That is exactly why I'm watching this video too. I met this one guy and he is the sweetest person I've ever met. We've been talking for a couple weeks and he got up the courage to tell me he has Aspergers. Which he doesn't usually tell anyone. I want to get to know him more and he wants to get to know me more as well. Thank you for this video!
Same here! I’ve been dating my boyfriend with Aspergers for 5 months now, and he is amazing! He told me on our third date, and I told him that my best friend of 17 years has Aspergers. I’m really grateful that I’ve found this channel, and I’ll definitely be subscribing!
@@Destiny_rae I have it as well I’ve never been in a relationship before because my lack of social skills it sucks because the women I try to meet think I’m weird but I don’t know what to do I really want a girlfriend but it’s so hard to communicate effectively and not be awkward and actually processing information they say is hard for me as well my friends know I have it but they don’t understand how bad it really affects my life because just the thought of approaching a women i see and like is overwhelming let alone trying to have a conversation.
Where are my single aspies at?
Are you a single aspie too?
Right here. I have come to a place of not sure I’ll ever get married and a family because relationships are such a struggle. My best friend is my mom because I have no friends. I just feel like it’s not possible for me. I guess you could say I’ve given up.
@@Budgetforsuccess same
Single for life and depressed
There was a yearly CONVENTION, called Autfest.
My boyfriend just asked me to marry him after 3 months of dating and i said yes to him but asked him if he was aware of the fact that I have Asperger's and he didnt run away from it and that was the best feeling ever because its not easy for me to communicate how i feel and how to cope with my emotional anxiety but hes the best he just calms me and support me in every way
Laura Peters Together for only 3 months and already engaged? Are you ducking crazy?
Please don’t rush into marriage. Logic says to date them for at least a year; see how they act through the holidays and birthdays. Some can keep a false face until they have you locked down, and the abuse begins. We seem to wind up with narcissistic partners, which is very destructive to our self esteem.
@@dankhorse69420 I am glad she is experiencing a connection with someone, but I have to agree with you. People still need to use their brains.
Narcissists prey on beautiful autistic people. Beware sweet child.
Congrats!
I am 38 yrs & went undiagnosed autism for my whole life. I’m susceptible to abuse and I have been treated as inferior because my brain works differently. I have felt a lot of resentment dissolution & anger because I can’t be understood. I no longer trust peopleI feel like I have to wear a mask to socialize. It’s killing me inside.
What kind of abuse?
I am sorry for what you have gone through, maybe meditation can help
@@homiesenatep This is a birth defect not something that is treatable with pills. If I could have gotten rid of my autism through medication I would but there is no such thing. If someone that was nerotypical had autism for one day I would almost guarantee half of them would kill themselves from the sheer way are brain works and all the insecurities we deal with on a daily basis. That is why we require a routine that helps us get through the day. We all have a cooping mechanism or many of them. I am really nervous I shake my foot. Stressed out I rock back and forth. I am confused I play with my beard. The thing is each of us is different and most of us are incompatible with each other dating wise. Many of us want a nerotypical person as a spouse for many reasons. Help us make it through the day. Calm us down when really stressed. Get us more comfortable with getting out of a routine. I am really struggling with dating I am only 20 but but people my age just are not understanding of me.
somehow I was able to seduce a man at work without words - but, our coworkers weren't having it and ruined it. They convinced him that I was defective and they bullied me into quitting. i came sooo close to finally getting a boyfriend...soo close
@@genkiferal7178 Sending you lots of love 💗
My boyfriend of 3 years has Asperger's. We are very happy - I moved in with him 6 months ago and it's wonderful. Part of what works for me is that I too enjoy solitude, and so no-one feels hurt when the other withdraws for a while That hyper-focusing thing works for me because he's focused on an area (medieval music) which is important to me, and he devotes hours and hours to learning and studying. Google? I don't need Google - I have an autistic boyfriend!! BTW Paul likes eating out and having me cook equally well. I do find that his tolerance for menu repetition is WAY higher than mine. I basically cook the same 4 meals over and over.
Oh hey!! Thank you so much for the comment! Please subscribe to my channel to see more videos from me :).
Both - if my energy levels are good I prefer to cook if I am not feeling my best home delivery is best
That's inspiring 😅
I've had many girl friends but I never allowed myself, or them, to get close enough to be a girlfriend or even a date.
That's harmful for a young man, trust me.
Yes, I relate to #3. When I'm with my mom, and I'm exhausted after a full day of work, I often find it so hard to process what she is saying that I have to ask her to go back several sentences and start over. (I am 58 and she is 86.)
This is the style of show in the video that I prefer from you. It has my vote when you have five tips or a top 10 of something and everything is kind of organized.
Tony J Wichowski lol your definitely an aspie
@@purelyrated lol guilty
melissa daquin *you’re lol
My boyfriend just got diagnosed and now our relationship is making more sense. I am learning so much from your videos. He is 41 and not believing this is what he has.
How the fk did he manage to seduce you and charm you with pick up skills if he is autistic ? it seems like an impossible task for me.
A platonic friend of mine was diagnosed with bipolar depression, but it is my opinion and the opinion of everyone who I have introduced him to that he is definitely on the spectrum. I’m surprised he does not see it. From videos and comments that I have watched, so many people that get a late diagnosis have a huge weight lifted off the shoulders and had that, “ah ha” moment.
Thank you so much for these tips. My best friend is an Aspie. The more I watch your videos, the more I understand him, how he feels and why he changes subjects we talk about quickly. He’d rather text than talk on the phone. When we go out, why he acts the way he does. I’m starting to understand him more. We’ve been close friends for the last 5 months and we text everyday. We have busy weekly schedules so we get together on our free weekends. Thank you again. I look forward to learning more about Aspie relationships. Thank you
The hardest part with my girlfriend and I are her siblings and family member (sisters and cousin) i get anxious about how they're trying to make us split cause of my autism spectrum they see it as a joke thinking I'm "faking" it to get her to love me not only that just last night her sibling message me on her phone saying "can you stop harassing my sister she's sick" i get impatient when i want to talk to her but siblings keep butting to start even more problems at us
I feel for you, you should defenitely tell her that, and also tell that to her parents. We as aspies have a tendency to suffer from anxiety and depression, and are hypersensitve, just by reading your story I'm bursting in rage and sad at the same time, it is not fair for this kind of things to happen, justice shall come in some way. In my case, my girlfriend's family really doesn't know, but she was the first person to tell me that i probably have asperger, and she found out moments before we started dating. She has a master in neuroscience, and has experience working with children with autism, and in that dinner when she found out, her former supervisors were present, they being two of the greatest experts in Autism Spectrum Disorder in my country, and she noticed that they reached that conclusion by having dinner with us at a pub. That was 10 months ago, just 4 weeks ago i started to go to a psychologist that is also an expert on autism, and she confirmed my asperger since day one.
Wow they sound horrible keep your head up king
@@Elizbethhhh sad news we broke up in december cause she lied about being sick only to find someone who cared but brighter news i found someone who treats me right like a human not an object
@@Retro__Glitch2313 that is good, happy for you and hopefully you are in a healthier relationship.
I'm 24 and have mild, mild ASD and it's taken years, but I finally was able to obtain experience in a dating relationship. I told her about my autism on our second date and she was more than okay with it. In fact, she almost wanted to see more of what makes me tick and it worked quite well for the both of us. However, this didn't last as she told me she couldn't be around to see me enough. Regardless, I believe your videos among others have helped me comprehend what it means to have a relationship so much that I'm ready for another shot! Thanks for your tips, Dan, and I hope you keep putting them up for people like me to see!
@@joaocosta3374 Wow, it's been a few years since I made that comment! I haven't dated since then, but I'd say I'm over her because we don't talk anymore. You could say we tried to be friends, but every time I wanted to video chat, she made excuses and we ultimately didn't. Whatever. It's for the better and I think I'm better off working on myself before dating again.
Lots of people are older than you on the Spectrum and have never been with anyone
I’ve just met a mate who is on the spectrum. I have a lot of apprehensions because this is so new to me, but he truly makes me laugh and seems genuine. Tonight is the first date and I have been searching and reading so many resources that way I can approach this first encounter most mindful. Thank you for your content.
My partner was recently diagnosed and I super appreciate your videos! Want to learn as much as I can so I can support them the best way possible ❤️
10:40 As an English Aspie living in Sweden, I have not only got to translate their language, I have to translate their body language, tone and facial expressions. When one grows up in a country, one learns (well the best one can) their cultural mannerisms. And when I speak to them, I think in English, translate to NT, translate NT (including dumbing it down) to Swedish and it becomes so stressful especially when dealing with Authorities. Swedes seem to have less body language and facial expressions, so it is so frustrating trying to read them, especially up in the "reserved" north.
That has to be difficult. Thank you so much for the comment! Please subscribe to my channel to see more videos from me :).
It can also be helpful to use the cultural gap as an excuse when you misinterpret something and don’t understand. I’m originally from Germany but have lived in the UK for 4 years and have used it as an excuse sooo many times. Someone tells me I was awkward in a certain situation? ‘Oh, I’m sorry. I’m from Germany and we do things a little differently there and I didn’t realise’ It works so well because people are less judgmental when you have the explanation of ‘I don’t understand this because I didn’t grow up with it’ 😅
Yeah, as a swede with Asperger, this is had too. I can relate, even though I'm born here.
Thank you for this, I've started dating a guy who is diagnosed with aspergers, adhd, dyslexia etc (I'm pretty sure I also have autism myself but never been diagnosed) and I wanna learn more about how to understand him have no issues besides him not knowing how to talk to other girls while in a relationship but i have spoken to him about it and since been doing much better otherwise most loving, caring, hard working guy I have ever met and I'm a bit older than him but he acts older than some guys I know had head on right, and easy to talk to and I'm learning everyday on how to be in a happy relationship with someone who has aspergers but been great so far and my son loves him too and they can relate to eachother as I'm also getting my son diagnosed but yeah definatly stjll learning dos and donts though he has spoken to me about it but love hearing other people's advice so I can learn more so thank you
"when you're ADHD and are on the spectrum, you might get angry at someone and hyerfocus, and then stop being angry because you redirect your energy towards something else" oh, so that's it, that's why i can't keep myself being consistently mad at someone for hours xD now it makes sense, but i had never thought about it before
Oh… yeah…. makes sense. And the other one is quite astonished as I behave as nothing has happened. And just talk about what I read or something.
Me too lol
I have had worse and have been angry at a person for years and held a grudge
These dating and relationship videos and the MOST HELPFUL!
I listen to ALOT of relationship/marriage advise videos as well as lots of asperger's videos and books and I having to juggle the advice of the AS and NT videos/books is a mental workout!
There is not that many good asperger's relationship advise videos out there..thank you so much
The very first book I read on dating with Asperger’s gave me terrible advice. It suggested that I should just wait until a girl approached me first, then go somewhere private to ask her out. I found out that’s not how things work in the real world. Women rarely ask men out on dates and men are supposed to chase women. I knew this was true to an extent, but I didn’t know how true it really was. After about 10 years of waiting for a woman to approach me first, it never happened. I had to change my strategy.
That was robably written by a woman who doesnt understand.
@ 10:00 omg THIS...whenever I get into a heated moment or discussion- I think fight or flight kicks in and I like, can't take any information in at all...and it makes them more frustrated. It's so comforting to learn it isn't just me!
I met my bf online. He lived in another state. We visited each other a few times for the weekend. I fell in love and I I guess he did to, he decided to move to my state after 6 months. Never noticed anything different until he moved in with me. I noticed “weird” or abnormal behavior. For example, we’ll be eating dinner and he’ll just get up in the middle of dinner and wash his hands then go back and continue eating or get up and do random things such as start wiping counters or washing a few dishes in the sink. I’ll tell him” babe finishing eating first don’t worry about it” Also, I noticed he doesn’t comprehend certain things or jokes, funny movies and such. We had our first big argument because he decided to go behind my back and start looking for a home to buy. I was emotional trying to get him to understand and told him what he has done is wrong, and told him he needed to move I wasn’t going to wait until he found a house. He flipped on me. He picked something up and slammed it to the floor breaking it, I walked away scared and saw him laying on the ground breathing kind of hard but no tears. He then was begging to please let him stay. I felt bad. He apologized for getting angry and breaking something and said “ I don’t know how to communicate with you” After living together for a couple of months. He just seemed odd. I noticed he doesn’t like confrontation. Like he goes with the motions. He doesn’t know how to communicate. He kind of seems cold. To me he really doesn’t feel what he did was wrong. He said he needed his own place because here I have no order or plan ahead. Which I feel there is and I do but he’s extreme. Also, when we’ve gone to family gatherings, ge goes in his own car and acts awkward around my family. He often wonders off by himself at a family function. He says things that don’t make any sense, it’s irrelevant. He also, seems like he doesn’t understand when I’m crying and emotional why I’m hurt. He’ll just say just relax go to bed. And it makes me mad even more lol So I started thinking maybe he’s autistic. A lot of what you say on these videos describes him.
So I know this is an old vid, but I would still like to say thank you for making it. I have been diagnosed with asperger early and never really learned what that meant to me. It just meant I was put on a lot of courses to "control my emotions" and adapt to a neurotypical world. Now Im finally at a place where I can look at and accept where I am different. Thank you ❤
This explains so much I know I have Asperger’s and I’ve never been in a relationship because of my poor social skills women like me but when they meet me and see how awkward I am it probably runs them off and it sucks because I want a girlfriend but it’s so hard for me but this explains so much
4:35 calm down period
6:40 mood changes
9:00 audio convo issues
11:37 know each other
14:00 5th point
I think for eating out it depends on my mood and the atmosphere. I like eating out, but it can be stressful/awkward. These are definitely good tips, i know I've tried to apply the first to anyone i know.
My hardest thing is just getting a girl to talk to me and breaking the ice...
If I can somehow manage to do that and getting them on a date, I can't get them on the 2nd date...
This has been my experience for the past 20 years...I hate feeling like this...
I can relate. I get the same problem. Countless first dates, But have never been on a second. I mentioned it in another comment on here, but what happens is that people stay away from you if they know you are different. Take for example someone who is extremely popular, loved by the ladies, had lots of friends, is the life of the party, etc... One day, lets say...he gets in an accident. He survives, but now is missing an arm. He is still the same wonderful person. Nothing happened to his brain. He has coped with the situation like a champ, he doesn't let it get him down, he is still the life of the party, etc... But that does not erase the fact that he is now different. Therefore, most of his former friends now steer clear of him, the ladies no longer want anything to do with him. Pretty fucked up. And with Aspergers, you can certainly learn and skill build, but people will still steer clear of you just for the fact you are different.
@@ericrood2308 perhaps there are dating websites to try for aspies only?
Number 2 made me cry because it's so difficult to explain to someone that I truly cannot understand what they're saying in that moment.
THISTHISTHIS I FEEL YOU SO HARD
I often struggle with saying things without any bad intentions but end up offending people. Thank God that my friends are understanding.
This has literally made me cry… this explains so much about my daughters father. Our relationship is rocky and this honestly has explained so much. I’m going to continue to watch a lot of videos to better understand him and better communicate
Totally relate to audio processing while stressed. So often I find my brain full of noise and I can't quite understand other people. This is frustrating to both parties. Thank you so much for your insights on this. Knowledge and power and I feel like, even at 28, I'm on a path of self discovery.
Sometimes with my ex he would talk and talk and talk, and I would get really stressed because it was too much information for me to process.
I also notice that I sometimes repeat what someone says to me to actually hear what they’re saying.
The Audio issue..... It’s exhausting for us on the spectrum as well Dan. As much as it royally sucks, Being in a long term long distance relationship has helped me and my partner ( who is currently healing physically and mentally to move forward) get to really know each other. Really enjoyed this, Do you think that your partner would be comfortable and you as well discussing her side of things?
I prefer going out for a meal but to the same place that we know is quiet and I know the setup
I find it useful to say things like "I really don't think you said what I just heard, could you please repeat?" I will also tell me partner when I mis-hear or mis-read things from other sources, and tell them what I heard or read wrong - it helps them understand how radically off I can perceive things, and is an inclusive moment.
Dan. I started watching your videos early last year because I suspected my husband and son had Aspergers. They were both diagnosed. Thank you so much for all of your videos. They have helped me so much.
I appreciate the way you explained the audio deficit. If I'm in a meeting or group setting. It's so hard for me to process the audio, let alone keep up enough to chime in.
Hi Dan, your advice about calm down time during a disagreement is great advice for anybody. Good communication is key to purposely understanding and trying to view how the other person feels and the chill out time gives time to do that 🥰
Great video Dan, many thanks! Eating in and watching movies together, gardening, cooking and even doing the cleaning are things my BF and I like to share but the moods swings can be hell when the other one doesn't have a clue and when you can actually feel pretty much everything around you. Lists and written communication, as advised by your GF has proven to be quite effective actually, and spending some time alone too, otherwise you get easily overwhelmed when you work long hours, have lots of responsibilities and have 3 kids the same age who are Aspie too. Therapy helps a lot too.
Relationships aren't easy, Aspie or not. Simple as that 😉
As far as take out, go out to eat, or cook...it all depends what what I'm in the mood for.
I have aspergers and I was in the military (should had never been in, however I was not aware I have aspergers at the time) and I had the hardest time understanding a lot of the commands. I've gotten in trouble a lot of times because of that. The whole time I was in the service, I was exhausted, anxiety ridden, and depressed. I had no friends, not even within my platoon because no one understood (including myself) what I was going through and to make it worse I had some very traumatizing things take place while I was in. Just as something as simple as not understanding commands or orders right away made it almost impossible for me to function properly, and not just while on duty, but also in my personal life as well (especially dating). So yes I definitely do understand how hard it is to not be able to understand what is like not to be able to comprehend what is being communicating to me. IT SUCKS!!!! I am a VA patient and I really do wish that the VA had more resources for veterans like me because I know that I am not the only veteran with this challenge.
I would like to thank you Dan for the Tip as relationships without those tips would most likely go south which I would not want to happen. If I need ideas in my head then I will refer back to this video as it has helped me out with what to do.
YES YOU MADE THE VIDEO! Wanted this video for so long
Hi Dan, Just to appreciate your tips on dating, plus appreciate all the education you are dishing out for us suspected NTs to understand the Aspie world. It's also entertaining. You do it sooo well! Not flattery. Just honest admiration. Yes because I have been educated by you and other Aspie divulgators on the condition my best male friend seems to be presenting which is ASD + PDA + ADHD and a couple more but these are the essential ones. I have had to unearth these seemingly neurodivergent ways of his from the most dark of oblivions, and since I came to learn about it all, or suspect about it all as it is not officially tested or anything, I have understood him a lot better ... our relationship is starting to float in the wind nicely, after much diddering and much sequencial pulling out pulling in pulling out pulling in etcetera Thank God ! And to a huge extent this has been possible because I have educated myself watching your videos about the Aspie Worlk, and others' videos too.
So just this:
Thanks so much!
Bless and Best,
Yana
Thank you for this video…I’m not diagnosed yet but scheduled to get tested for it because I’m almost positive I am on the spectrum now that I’ve learned about it. Autism runs in my family but it didn’t occur to me that I could have it because I’m used to being around lower functioning autism. It wasn’t until I met my current boyfriend who is high functioning autistic that I learned about it and realized I had so many of the same issues. Learning about relationships with people on the spectrum is fascinating to me because it explains so many things about my past relationships and also gives me tips about my current relationship because I’m not used to dating someone else on the spectrum and we have to learn each others’ unique qualities still and we don’t work the same as most people
When it comes to meltdowns: I had an argument with my boyfriend a few days ago. We had a party happening on Sunday. 1 hour before we were leaving for that party, he told me we were gonna go separately, because he wanted to stay longer until the afterparty. That moment right there, my brain started to shut down, because I didn't plan any of this. I told my bf that I didn't think it was fair of him to tell me this 1 hour before we were leaving. That we were invited together, so we should go together. However, my reaction made him angry, so he ran away to cool down I suppose. I gave him space. But then 30 min later I asked him again if we were gonna go together. And he said no. In fact, he told me I should go home. I was no longer allowed to go to the party with him. That's when my meltdown started. I always try to be honest when I don't feel okay about a certain situation, but he gets angry when I start making an issue of a small thing. It felt like my body was shaking, even though you couldn't see it. But I could def feel it. I just wanted him to understand me and find a solution instead of punishing me.
Jut thank yourself lucky your a woman, if you were male you would NEVER get a date, let alone sex a date or a relationship, you are lucky beyond belif to be spared my life , i will live every second alone and die alone.
I prefer takeout. I like to cook but the cleanup is overwhelming, trying to meal plan is overwhelming, and I don’t have to worry about crowds with takeout.
I’m at the very start of a relationship with an amazing woman and she’s so supportive. This is a very helpful video.
I prefer organic food preparation food services like “Plated” because I can get fresh health food without having to figure out how to make new dishes (They provide picture cards to make your food and all ingredients are pre-measured). I choose this because I never learned how to cook, and I know I need to eat healthy, so this solves the eating health, eating fresh, and I feel like I am learning to cook as I go. I did use to love to eat out, but my health decreased too much and gained too much weight doing that, so I quit that a long time ago.
Hi Dan. I've just subscribed, after only watching 3 of your videos ! - Thank you for the amazing and wonderful work that you do to help people with Autism, ADHD, Asperger's Syndrome plus others.
I just started dating a girl with Asperger’s and omg I never thought I would fall in love soo much with her and this video really has helped me understand her a lot , thank you
Playing catch up, Haha. Tip number 3 is one I didn't realize I needed. I'm still learning symptoms and such that is actually part of the autism condition. I have people repeat stuff all the time for reasons you said but I couldn't explain. And yes it's very anxiety inducing. Dan I'm definitely gonna be running forward with these for any future relationships as always, thank you!!
I can totally relate to not being able to process things that people tell me. That’s so true.
Thanks for the video it’s really the guidance I need. I’m not the best at socialization,reading body language and social cues and I’ve struggled with friendships and dating.
When I am stressed and someone tries telling me AnYthing at all, I literally have to shake my head before staring at them while they repeat it or it sounds like russian!!
Thanks so much for the tips, I’m trying to be a better partner to an Aspie , learning everything I can to make it work
I like cooking at home because I know what I like, how I like it to be cooked. It gets a little boring, but at least it’s better than paying for something you don’t like!
My partner and I are both Autistic. We both eat out a lot, but I love when he cooks, and he says it’s calming.
Thank you for posting this. Last time I dated was 14 years ago and didn't know I was on the Spectrum yet. I remember feeling simultaneously frustrated and guilty because we'd spend the day together (which was socially exhausting) and then he'd say "See you tomorrow" and I'd get very frustrated cos to me I'd just managed a huge thing and he was already planning for it again the very next day. And then the next. 😳 I didn't know the term "masking" yet but was already a pro at it, so he had no idea how overwhelmed I was. Have recently been trying to get back into the dating world, so advice helps a lot right now. Thanks! 😁
Thank you Dan, my bf is not diagnosed but I am so positive he is at least on spectrum. Things you pointed out are really important and will help me to pay more attention as well as to my Aspi daughter.
Amazing I hope I help ;)! Thank you so much for the comment! Please subscribe to my channel to see more videos from me :).
I'm cutting this in half way through your video, to say I completely agree with audio communication difficulties. I had tough times with school with this ( as I wasn't diagnosed till after I left) and I never couldn't understand why I just didn't get what the teachers were saying, and ended up in a dark place before I got my diagnosis.
I can learned a lot of this video. It helpful to my situation now. Thanks 😊
Thanks for the video. With regards to understanding what people are saying and having them to repeat several times; I’d love a video on what you actually hear so I can better understand my son 👍🏼
To be honest... This really gives me better ideas on how to handle myself in my own relationship, and it shows me what my girlfriend isn't seeing and maybe we can more work out and not argue so much, and to answer the beginning question. I love to cook at home. Nit much of a take out guy unless its pizza or fries... Maybe a milkshake. But i love home cooking. And thank you again. I hope this helps other's as well because ADHD and Asperger's which i have are no joke and it does feel like others may never understand us. But this video gave me a plan on how to work things out. I hope anyone else can.
10 years? Boi you betta buy her a ring soon! 😂
Agreed 😆💞
I knew I had very little chance at this... but now after watching this, I am almost convinced that I might NEVER find a right life partner for me... PEOPLE AREN'T THAT EMOTIONALLY UNDERSTANDING THESE DAYS IN THIS DAY AND AGE WHERE NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITIES ARE ON A RISE... which in my opinion is the real TOXIC personality disorder.... WE ASPIES are just different, calm, positive and empathic people.
I am 35 year old single guy who just discovered being an aspie... any takers?
I've been with my significant over 20 years! He has his house and I have my house! I knew he was quite extraordinary in so many different ways and very eccentric in which I accepted! I never thought he would have had aspergers undiagnosed! I diagnosed him about 7 years ago he is now 65! Lately it has been getting harder being around him.. For example he is getting a new stove and dishwasher! I cannot do any projects with him... Holy moly if I threw out a paper cup! When I clean his house I have to bring the garbage with me to throw out at my house because, he will go through it! Since the old stove and dishwasher has been removed I asked them please can you go leave and go somewhere and come back in about 3 hours! He must have came back twice in the 3 hours that I asked him not too! Believe me his anxiety was hit the roof seeing what I was doing! I cannot do anything half ass however, he can...who's going to see behind the stove who's going to look under the dishwasher? I started to fight with him in which I am very patient but sometimes I do flip out! He doesn't know he has Asperger's but he does have so many traits or characteristics of having Asperger's!
His routine is the same ever for a day! He has to wear certain clothes! You cannot get a word in edgewise! Extremely hyper! Plays off of my cues! He's a wonderful person and extremely giving person and shows his love and will do anything to help anyone! I just need some suggestions I do love him very much always did and always will! LOL if he makes a joke and I laugh I will hear his joke over and over again! I'm just beside myself at this moment because it just happened and I needed to vent!
Thank you ✌️✌️🤟🤟
I can relate to you so much. I really believe my boyfriend of 3 years has Aspergers and we both are in our 50s. I am just besides myself because I don't know what to do. How do you even bring this up to talk about? I feel so helpless.
@@sands70I'm 60 he's 65 it's getting tough day by day! I've never sat him down I just educated myself on how to deal with it so I understand where you're coming from as far as having a hard time! I wish we could talk about it! I have no support! Very big when it comes to regiments! I am a complete opposite would you like to share some of the things you've experienced with him I'll be more than happy to listen!
Totally relate to the thumbs up. It doesn't help I have hearing difficulty as well. Thanks for sharing this
I cook a meal at home every night -- without fail. I work as a programmer and part of programming is learning to make your programs efficient. I don't particularly enjoy cooking but I love the process of making my cooking more time efficient. It's kind of like a nerdy cooking method where I want to balance time spent cooking (and washing up) with food quality. I've managed to perfect the art where I make high-quality (albeit simplistic) food and finish washing up all in 15 minutes. My staple dishes are meat dishes like pasta bolognese, thai green curry, and chilli con carne. These are all easily modifiable for vegetarians (say, if I have vegetarian guests over)
The more videos I watch of yours the more intrigued I am about myself.
I've been fighting aspergers for 32 years lol it complexes my life to a harsh extent ... in a social aspect mostly. I'm with my partner who doesn't have it and gets annoyed when I do some things as repeat the same thing over an over but we make it work its all about compromise. That's the key word
I can help! th-cam.com/video/ZjpbLUSJODo/w-d-xo.html
I highly recommend Real Social Dynamics. You should boot camp or seminar, or watch their videos online. RSD changed my life, not only have I been able to have hook ups, STRs and LTRs with awesome girls whenever I want, they’ve helped me make more money, build businesses that I’m passionate about, and eliminate anxiety and limiting beliefs. Also, I highly recommend Todd Valentine, highly highly, he’s a great guy and changed my life
definitely cooking at home and inviting a volunteer to join me in my kitchen experiments...I definitely use some calm down periods to stabilize my emotional reactor...still working on the cool down timing and length... Mood changes are like a change in fuel source, Still working on a way to explain that Effectively... Audio issues related to stress I do explain as early as possible and still am working on How to do it more clearly... getting to know wants and don't wants, likes and dislikes as well as points of interest and non interest is always usefull...I always ask everyone to give me a visual representation of their message... These tips can be useful for any type of relationship...!!!
Ohhh yes, I send my hubby a link to this one and said you can explain it so good
I wish you would do a video helping those on the Spectrum who aren't in relationships.
I like cooking, honestly. I get takeout because it's easy; however, I love to be able to cook, and try out different and weird recipes that I think up on the spot. I've loved cooking since I was a kid.
I’ve been looking for a good video like this
I have thought that i have a combo of adhd and autism but i've been so scared of being wrong. But wow this video really hit me. I never understood why i can hear somebody ask me something. I hear the words but i cant understand. My brain just hits pause and i keep asking "what?". Then all of a sudden my brain hits play again. I have never heard about anyone that experience this exept for me before. I feel very validated. Thanks for your videos, they are great!!
Usually I love ordering take away, but recently me and my (also aspie) boyfriend have been trying to learn to cook together (my flatmates constantly take the piss if we get something wrong) but we really enjoy it
Thanks ☺️ for this video. Pls more content on this topic & relationship. I'm not diagnosed but I am introverted. Also like a good guy with Aspie. And I m learning to understand him more with ur videos.
I definitely relate but it usually only happens if it's a very personal topic and the stress comes unexpectedly. I still can process the audio input though. My problem is in responding with my own. I come to a loss for words, even if they are wrong.
Not really dating tips. More relationship advice.
I’d agree with that
I met a lovely woman with Autism and I too had never had a connection with someone like her...In person we are AMAZING in every way.
We live about 45 minutes to an hour apart so seeing each other is limited. The last 4 weekends we have spent a day or so together. Its been beautiful and surreal when we are together but there are challenges too.
Since we communicate a lot over the phone, there are times when there was miscommunication. I sometimes say things that triggers her or hurts her but I am NOT trying to do that. I just dont think like she does. SO I end up feeling like the bad guy....I am just very expressive with people and it can come off as harsh but i am just expressive. I would NEVER say anything to hurt her but we do argue over the phone, when we are in person, we are amazing....
SO I wonder if that is causing the problems....the distance...I cant see her face when we talk so its easy to misunderstand her....especially since she communicates differently than me....I want to understand her....but I seem to trip and say stupid things from time to time....Im HUMAN, lol.
Its hard when I feel like she's waiting for me to mess up because of past people, and experiences, but that's not fair to me either, right? I don't want to feel like i have to walk a tightrope with my words or its meltdown time.....So yeah, its not easy...Ill do my best...I hope it can work but either way, I am sooooo grateful to have met such an amazing person.
I have found this video to be perhaps the most helpful of all the ones that I have seen so far.
I feel as though I am doing everything correctly now, even before I knew he had Aspergers.
these videos are very helpful
Yay I’m glad!! Please subscribe to my channel to see more videos from me :).
I actually prefer Aspie boyfriends they have way more positives then negatives
Care to elaborate? I’m genuinely curious. I’m on the spectrum and yeah my dating life has been nothing short of atrocious.
I love eating out with my partner in a peaceful environment with spicey food and good cocktails/wine. Living in Italy this is easy, especially since our third lockdown has lifted. I have learned to avoid meltdown by pausing, breathing, and going to the bathroom. Then I listen, and I tell my partner that while not sharing his opinion, I respect his freedom of thought, and I love him. This works! Yes, I have insomnia, depression, anxiety, ADHD, so it can be very challenging. Thanks for all your advise.
*advice
Swnsory issues! Last Saturday we went to a great concept and I wore earplugs so I was able to enjoy it fully; I am a musician with supersensitive hearing
2:40 Skip to end of book hype.
Also a better name for the video is '5 relationship advice for aspergers peeps' or something.
Also, i really can't relate to the imagination thing, but people are different.
Thank you for this video! I have been casually (mostly sexually) seeing a man for about 7 months and he recently disclosed he has high functioning (his own words) aspergers, for which i outright thanked him for telling me. We spend most weekends together and he is an absolute angel, so intelligent and very hardworking and i admire him very much. When he told me his diagnosis it was like turning on a lightbulb for me and i am trying to learn more as we seem to be getting more involved. He has mentioned taking me to his home state and hinted at meeting his family...as someone who is more NT, i would like to know from anyone with ASD if introducing your S/o to your family is something that is an important/touchy event that is not thrown around lightly or off hand.
Tl/dr: Aspie lover/bf of 7 months mentioned directly wanting to take me to his home state and meet his family, is this a serious/exclusive event for ASD individuals to even think to talk about? Cheers
Appreciate your sharing information, please consider talking at a softer, rate. For me you were talking so fast and it's such a excited level that it overpowered your message
Same! He talks too fast it’s hard to process
My fiancé is a Aspie and right now it’s so good he’s the most amazing man however my little things I want him to work on is communicating and being more open and not shutting off
I can help! th-cam.com/video/ZjpbLUSJODo/w-d-xo.html
I'm not autistic, I just have ADHD but these tips are actually as relevant for ADHD
Thank you for this video. Very informative and is helping me to grasp the aspie partner.
I'm 52 yrs. Old I've always had hypersensitivity, anxiety so bad over stimulated cant remember things when I'm introduced to someone.
Had very hard time in work situations. I have had a pillowcase that I rub fingers on alot since child.
I've had meltdown from life so hard that I dont even want to be in stressful situations.
Later in life drank alcohol to calm down. Help sir could it be that I have asperger's? I would love it if I could talk to you about this. HELP
Thank you for the book recommendation Dan got my copy in the post now
Also takeout but a nice meal at home is alright
I like cooking at home best but I also like getting takeout every so often.
Watching bc I started dating someone that I think might have Asperger’s and I want to make sure that I can communicate well bc I like him a lot ♥️
Great tips Dan. Thanks for sharing these with us. Congrats for you and Naomi for being together for ten years relationship... I like to try and cook foods at home as similar settings and also knowing what I put in the foods. I try to usually cops in nosey, busy environment with restaurants.
Yes, I believe that with me I tend to ask for clarification or even try to repeat what people are saying to me as people tend to look at me strange. I usually get so overwhelmed to the point that if I'm alone that I talk to myself and get looked at. Also, when I try to talk to I tend to at least block off as many noise and focus more on the conversation... Communication is important in a relationship as well as honesty, trust and loyalty etc.
Quick question for you dan: when do you think is the best time to talk about our autism?
Lost trail thoughts of what else to write to you... May come back to me if I revisit the video. 😺😺
Excellent video. Thank you Dan!
Thank you for sharing the book and you content
I feel this. If I'm upset I need to come back to the problem later. Thats me with the audio issue. I feel like my boyfriend Lectures me a lot. We need to work things out
Eating locations depends on my mood honestly if I eat out it’s gotta be cause I’m craving it .. but as a culinary graduate I try to stray away from eating out
My “cool downs” are called taking a break ( usually me sitting in the bathtub or the kitchen in the dark ) I think only thing I should do is set time limits cause once I go take my breaks I’m gone for hours and the issue is never resolved
I need everything written down just to avoid having to ask things over and over . My phone is full of notes from conversations of the simplest things that I just need to physically see what I was told or asked .
Also I’m am not Autistic .. well probably am but no official diagnosis love watching your content 💙 ( Sorry this is so long 🤦🏾♂️)
Haha it’s ok it is a actually one of the smaller comments I get lol :). Thank you so much for the comment! Make sure you are subscribed and have the notifications turned on :).
The Aspie World been subscribed since last year also follow on IG .. all your videos are informative & great
I also tend to have long epistles. 😉👍
(Though this one isn't the best example. Hehe!)