Being in "enforced retirement" due to severe ADHD and other mental illnesses, I can relate to this. I still struggle with making that phone call to a friend, just to see how she is doing. My catastrophization has me thinking that I'm interrupting their lives, when the truth is I don't know. My circle of friends is small, some of it by choice, but my ADHD makes it hard for me to bond closely to anyone outside of my family.
Yeeeaaaaah... friendship circles (and Judith Snow's model of the Circles of Intimacy) are... a tough one to fill out for a lot of us. And it can take so much energy to try to work on those areas.
I have the same problem. I don't text my friends often, but it feels like it's less of an interruption. Then I use that to set up a time to get together or call, so I don't feel the same (unneeded) burden of interrupting their lives.
@@HowtoADHD an entire chapter on peopling? 😮 that sounds exhausting but I did post on my class discussion board I was open to a from class study buddy. So I’m going to need it.
I have accidentally happened upon the solution to maintaining friendships (can't take credit for it, my friends started it haha) Basically, my group of friends has a regular time and place where we meet every Saturday, and you can turn up or not turn up as you like. Occasionally people will confirm in a group chat we have if they're going to be there or not, but it's not necessary. So I get to have regular, scheduled time with my friends and the only thing I have to do to keep it, is to turn up at around that time on a Saturday, in the regular place. I'm never on time, but that doesn't matter either since it's at a cafe and it's drop-in. I didn't realise until recently that it's how I've been able to maintain so many healthy friendships for so many years. I'm lucky that my friends started to do this, I never would have thought of it!
Have you considered setting dates in your calendar to text certain friends and check in? It sounds silly, but I find if it's a planned thing, I get around my anxiety. The impulse to check in seems corrupted and triggers your thought loops. Changing the neural pathway might loop around the anxiety.
I am 38 and just diagnosed and I am struggling hard with letting go of being angry. I feel like my parents just ignored the signs and did nothing and just told me I wasn't trying hard enough. Now I get from them "How can you have ADHD all of sudden?" No matter what they act like it's just me being lazy. It is so hard to try and figure out how to live my life all over again while being told that I'm making excuses. I am thankful that my husband is supportive but it never stops hurting when the people who are suppose to love you just leave you to be unsuccessful and then blame you for not being better. Your videos have helped me come to terms with many things. Thank you so much for what you do. So many of us have people in our lives that just don't believe our struggles. You have created a safe space for us.
I'm so sorry you are still dealing with them dismissing your struggles. I know it's hard, and you wish they'd change, but it's unlikely they will. If you're able, work towards accepting them for who they are and what they're capable of (and what they're not) and learn to get your needs met through your self and other supportive people in your life, like your husband. Build relationships with other ADHDers who understand. You deserve support. 😊
I just found out I have ADHD too (I'm 35)! I totally get what you mean, a lot of people don't understand the struggles, and maybe they never will. I just think of it as a super power especially now that I got the right meds to support me.
I'm similar with a very late diagnosis in life. I wasn't the kid bouncing off the walls, and I had enough tenacity to push through school and work, so my parents and school just figured it "wasn't a problem" because I always worked it out. As a kid I just remember working far longer hours than my peers just to maintain a B average. As a young adult, I started and stopped college several times, and have just as many credits as my wife does (and a slightly better college GPA)... but she has a masters and 2 undergrads, while I don't even have an associates degree. In the work place, I have been kept around because when faced with a weird or extreme situation, I would come through... but on day-to-day notifications and routine tasks I have always been prone to miss things and make really dumb mistakes. I still did really well at most jobs I have had, but at the sacrifice of a lot of unreported overtime to keep up with normal workloads, and literally keeping my personal life at a very basic bare minimum. How other people put in a 6-8 hour work day, and would then go out on a date, or some social event, or get involved in the community... it was like... but how though?!?! I would finish work an hour or two late, and be a vegetable in the evenings hoping to catch up on personal things and chores on the weekends. Getting diagnosed explained sooooo much! getting medication has helped me take my work life to the next level, which came at just the right time to help pay for other issues in life. And generally the meds wear off in the evenings, so I am typically pretty useless on the home front at night... but generally on the weekends I am just catching up for a couple hours and get to enjoy some R&R and enjoy life a little bit, where I simply didn't get that kind of active time to work on a hobby before. I'm a little bitter at my parents and teachers for not pushing me in this direction before... but mostly I'm just thankful that 'normal' doesn't seem nearly as impossible as it once was.
Similar boat, but add an autism diagnosis too. My Mom recognized I was "different" and not just "gifted" as I was labeled in school early on, and she believes the diagnosis. Dad, however, acts like it's not a problem. He's definitely ADHD and self-medicated his entire life with massive amounts of caffeine, and when his job was suddenly gone, he retreated into himself, but still acts like executive function isn't a problem when he doesn't do things that affect others, including letting yard work go until almost getting a fine. Some people won't ever get the reality of this. I'm sorry that's who you're dealing with and I hope you have access to a therapist to work through the anger.
I'm in the process of seeking diagnosis. I'm much more successful in school.and work but I struggle with needing the urgency of a looming deadline to complete tasks, but it burns and stresses me out. Then at home I'm already burnt out and dealing with a severe ADHD partner who isn't managing himself. I am hoping to get a diagnosis and the tools so I can show him yes, you absolutely can use those tools to function at home too not just for work.
This message is relevant for any person who has struggled with people-pleasing, as well. In grad school, I started to play my guitar for 15 minutes per day, BEFORE I worked on my thesis (on a topic I no longer loved). Soon, I noticed that my guitar and improvisation skills were improving, which meant that I was happy in “creative mode” when I sat down at my laptop to write. As my practice time increased, my guitar skills improved and I got just as much done with my thesis and other parts of my life. Unfortunately, I started to wonder if I’d accomplish more on the thesis (eg, graduation) If I quit guitar for a while. The result was that I became unhappy and physically ill from stress, too the point that I had to quit grad school for a while. My conclusions? Doing the thing I loved with a time limit engaged my creativity and made me happier and healthier, so I could do the required task I didn’t want to do. Keep in mind that I’d started the research on a topic I no longer liked a few years before because I thought I had to do something “needed” by society, not recognizing how much the arts contribute to social change and healing. In the end, I decided it was best to go with what I love and see how that could contribute to society.
Very interesting! I noted her ukulele and guitar in the wall at the end of her video during the sponsored portion. I play music as well and sometimes use it as a reward but maybe I should use it as my warm up. I like this idea so very much!
Thanks for sharing this. I'm a musician who's in grad school for counseling (a field I also love) but struggle to prioritize practicing even though creativity and music is such an important part of who I am. Needed to hear this
Literally 2 hours ago I was telling someone how hard it is for me to practice "communication hygiene" - keeping in contact with people that I want to keep in my life. Interested to hear how you handle this kind of thing.
god, I am the worst at this. It's not that I hate my friends, it's just that I'm so focused on my own stuff that I forget anyone else exists unless they're literally in my face. Calling people is hard enough, but I can't even make the attempt to do so if I forget they're there!
My anxiety tells me that if I call a friend, they are actually busy and it's a bad time and they don't really want to hear from me. As a result, I really don't reach out and contact friends who I care about and would love to see and hear from more often.
I can totally relate - if I don't get back to on onto to someone as soon as I think of it/receive a message, I will completely forget for ages more. I've lost new friends this way, which I really regret. The other thing I do is get in touch with people when I need something - which is a terrible habit, it's not that I don't care about other people, it's just that I've forgotten to get in touch with them until then. I've taken to occasionally just scrolling through my WhatsApp when I'm bored, to see if there's anyone I should get in touch with, and there are always a few!!
I really needed this. It hit me like a ton of bricks a few weeks ago that my life is work, D&D, and sleep. That's it. I get so stuck in the mindset that I can only do stuff for fun once my apartment is completely clean and all my chores are done that I end up never leaving the apartment unless I'm doing a group activity like D&D. I'm just now starting to work on pushing past that.
@@LKMMcLaw I always say that in my brain ye olde Protestant Work Ethics joined Forces with perfectionism and created the perfect storm. According to my brain weasels, I don't get to play until my work is finished and as long as there is anything left that is not perfect, I am not allowed to consider it finished. That attitude combined with an ADHD brain is a recipe for disaster - or rather for major depression and generalized anxiety...
My Dr. was baffled when I stated that I wanted the meds for home MORE than for at work. I can fake it at work. There are external factors that keep me on track. BUT, It turns out I also want to cook a real meal and clean my house. Do things that make me happy and healthy so I have the energy for work.
I worked in a special ed classroom lol. The visual schedule and calendar are on the whiteboard. The work tasks are lined up in a tub. Everything is written down with check boxes and labels Like just give me meds for where I actually need them
This is so true. Most jobs create a structure and schedule built for ADHD, in a lot of ways. They've had to because there are so many of us out here undiagnosed and they need the work done lol. But at home... it's on us. And it's so hard. My psychiatrist absolutely refuses to prescribe stimulants for ADHD, so I am on a second tier prescription that doesn't entirely take the edge off. It's enough to make it through work but at home I spend more time zoning out in front of youtube then actually getting anything I want to do accomplished. I need to find a new psych but it's so difficult to do.
ADHD is like an internal game of telephone. The initial decision made sense, but after a few hours, you’re making a PB&J as a part of your plan to schedule an appointment with the DMV. Meds grab me by the hair every few minutes and let me see that I am making a sandwich instead of an appointment. We’re allowed to be bored. We’re allowed to be disinterested. We’re allowed to identify personal priorities. We’re allowed to realize that other people’s priorities are worthless to us. Those are symptoms of being human. We likely can’t be happy and allow our actions to not appear to prioritize OUR NATURAL priorities. When I review my meds with my doctor, I don’t discuss the tasks I am paid for. I get paid to do those things because I don’t naturally prioritize them. I will discuss how I was unexpectedly late when I missed my meds, because earning money Is a priority. I mainly discuss how projects I do at home end with the tools being put away when I am on my meds. I discuss how I realize I have already spent 10 minutes straightening Picture frames and it’s time to stop. How I call my friends within moments of thinking I should. How I can throw things away instead of holding on to a belief that I could do a mountain of research and train myself to become an electronic technician and fix a $40 item. Meds don’t allow me to see the forest.
@@mellbell360 it’s not perfection, it is just reasonable. When I take my meds, my wake doesn’t reflect an obvious mental health problem. It’s still a mess, but it isn’t reminiscent of an episode of “Hoarders.” The Froot Loops are still on the table until lunch, but I actually put them away at lunch. Compared to getting to the end of the week and not even noticing that there are 6 cereal boxes already on the table.
As a 34 old Dad with ADHD I 100% vouch for using meds outside of work! If anything my family life is more hectic with 9 year twin boys running around and it helps me be a better dad. If youre trying to parent while overstimulated you're not going to do a good job. I also started planning my week using the following method: 1 evening of pure me time 3 evenings with the SO 2 evenings for workouts 1 for social stuff (have a list of people i want to see and work my way down) It helps... you do howerer need to start planning😅
This is a really good basis. Today out of lots of fun things I did with my 3 year old when asked what the best part of the day was she said playing taxis. It was me and her sat on the floor for 5 minutes. Being a parent with adhd it's so easy to feel overestimulated but taking time for ourselves means we can have more of those 5 minutes
Oh, Jessica - this is awesome! My sister always told me that I was ‘book smart and life dumb’ because I missed a lot of social cues that neuro-typical brains catch. I really need help in this area. Especially since there was no such thing as ADHD when I was growing up and I wasn’t diagnosed until my 40s. Understanding executive functions and many of the other concepts that you discuss would’ve helped me IMMENSELY! God bless you for what you do!! ❤❤❤
Ugh, I got the "book smart, life dumb" line ALL the time... and it never really bothered me when I was in school and being book smart was really important. But then when school ended and life became a lot more important than books, I started feeling like... ok, I guess I'm just dumb, period. I also was diagnosed late, and even though I didn't struggle in school, I WISH I had had more preparation and time to practice building skills during that time.
Literally last night I was playing board games with friends and at the end most people left and the two left were talking about the tension in the house. I literally picked up on nothing! I’m didn’t think I was that unaware, but maybe I am.
My mother used to say that I had "tons of book sense, but no common sense", but she also had full confidence that I could/would learn common sense. I think I did learn a good bit, but these videos have certainly helped me put some of my struggles in context and come up with ways to lessen them (or at least to work around those struggles). I've not been formally diagnosed, but hoooo, do I *ever* check off items on the symptoms list! I'm 51, and grew up when "only boys have ADD/ADHD" and "even if you were a boy, you can't have it because you do so well in school." (Never mind that I probably could have done even better had I not been distracted so much of the time. If nothing else, college wouldn't have been such a slog, & maybe I could have managed grad school.)
Holy cow, I relate with this so so much. I quit my job last year due to burn out, and have been battling the shame of doing so ever since. I had to work so hard to get good at my job, and thus feel like I am, at least partially, fitting in with society and contributing. I have the luxury of staying at home, while my husband works, and I’ve been trying to learn how to be OK with just existing without having to prove to myself that I only have worth when meeting society’s expectations. Many of society’s expectations are worth meeting, sure, but for me it’s come at a really high cost.
@@thewingedpotato6463single woman here struggling with a burnout and not having a husband to support her, and struggling with relationships. Can we leave the gender stereotyping behind please? It’s 2023. And to OP, good on you girl. You do you.
I have been supported by my wife for years now, not being able to work for some other company’s targets because of so many MH issues on top of ADHD and ASD. And although I know that I was simply unable to continue working for some other company (severe anxiety, it just never really fits and I cannot force myself to do that any more, nobody is happy with it, I have my own projects that are right for me, trauma, dysthymia, etc.), the social stigma is a problem and makes my isolation worse. And of course I don’t want to leave the money making to my wife. (Believe it or not, I am actually ambitious. And I like making money too. And taking care of my wife.) Yet, just doing “something” doesn’t work … it breaks me, very badly. So, that is an ADHD story (plus ASD). We need to find the right thing that works for us and do it. And, as Jessica said in the video, we also need to find time just for us, our families, our friends. And use whatever helps us doing these things, from the ADHD skills and medications toolbox. I believe medication can help there just as much as it can help with work.
@mariecarie1 It's so easy to see the past through rose-colored glasses, but I trust you had good reason to leave a job you worked so hard to get good at. I hope you can let go of the shame, and instead take pride in listening to yourself about your level of burnout. The comments on Jessica's recent video "The Unexpected Side Effects of Pushing Yourself to the Limit" are a validating cautionary tale about the serious health and other consequences of life on hard mode with ADHD. I wonder if resources geared towards retirees or stay-at-home dads or moms might help? There are actually tons of people hidden in plain sight who don't work traditional jobs yet have fulfilling lives and contribute plenty to society. : - ) Wishing you much joy as you navigate this new phase of your life!
Fittingly, I had to go back to work part way through but now that I’ve had chance to watch to the end: This is a really important message and beautifully articulated. I’m trying really hard to remember that I work to live, I don’t live to work, and that things that make us happy are important not because they make it easier for us to be productive but *because they make us happy*. I think this video will really help with that and will go into regular rotation for me. One of my challenges is D&D prep (I DM for one of my group’s campaigns). I actually really like doing session prep once I get started, but I have a massive wall of awful around the idea of it and it’s really hard to get over that initial resistance.
I read a statement somewhere that said, “Rest is not a reward, it’s a necessity.” That was so impactful for me. I feel like fun, hobbies, and social interaction fit into that as well. We need prioritize the non-productivity related aspects of our lives too. Thank you for the reminder that work-life balance doesn’t look the same for ADHD brains, and there is nothing wrong with that.
“I was struggling honestly EVEN HARDER…” in our social personal area- thank you. Still struggling hard to figure this out. I am experiencing heavy panic over the idea of not accomplishing anything I’d planned over summer break prior to returning to the school year (I am an Art’s educator). This has spiked with more recent traumas which set me back unimaginably from my self-care needs & growth/ goals.
Just want to give you solidarity. I am in a very similar panic place right now (break + processing recent trauma + still dealing with shame in all parts of life.) We aren't alone in this, even though it's lonely.
I’m crying. It’s so good and helpful to know that I’m not alone in being successful in what society prioritizes while struggling so hard at home. I mask and hide while I’m working yet I don’t have friends outside of my amazing family. My hobbies are different every week and it’s hard to feel accomplished away from work. That is especially true during the summer as I’m a teacher and feel so lost during summer break. Thank you for this video. For letting me know I’m not alone, that it’s ok, and that improvements can be made. ❤
Hi Jess. For about 4 years Ive been a stay at home dad. We have 2 boys (7&9). One we suspect has adhd and the youngest one diagnosed autism. When i worked, things were better. My job was laid out, i knew my to-do's and i had managers to guide me. Now i'm responsible for deciding what needs done, juggling responsibilities, school stuff, household stuff, etc. I WANT to make money somehow using all of my crafting skill, but regardless of the financial intention, my brain still tells me that im "wasting" time or that my work isnt as important as getting the endless list completed. When i do entertain those thoughts, i no longer have energy or desire to work on the mental load of figuring out how to make a hobby profitable. Thats if my brain still isnt telling me "youve got more important things to do". I feel lately like I've lost myself to my responsibilities and my endless to-do list, as if my worth is directly and solely related to what i was supposed to get done (but usually didnt get done). Its videos like this that allow me to take a breath and realize that im not the only one who feels this way. Giving yourself permission to focus on you is kinda a green light for us to as well. Thanks for everything you do here.
Stay at home mum to two boys (9 &12) and my partner's son (10) here every weekend too, and you have pretty much just described my life. My partner is SO supportive of me staying home and thinks I do more than enough just keeping the laundry, meals, washing up etc ticking over each day, but history of an ex-husband with high expectations on on me even when I WAS working has broken me and I'm still trying to get my head around the idea that my worth isn't based on my productivity and earnings. I would love to earn some extra money and have even had a little etsy store making and selling a few bits but it never felt like I could justify keeping it going and I eventually lost motivation and gave up. 😔
What if you consider it a "side hustle"? Name the business, label what you do (so you can identify it as you would a profession) and set up an ETSY shop/ professional email and even a business phone number. In other words, go through the ritual of legitimizing your work. This way , it's not a hobby, but rather a responsibility. You're now the owner of "Potato Sculpture Industries" and a professional doing his job. 😁👍
@@katie1353 i love that you pointed out how an EX-husband still has sway over your mental conditioning. Most of my family always painted me as lazy and made me felt worthless and unwanted. Some have even ruthlessly laid into me to tell me as much. I dont talk to those people anymore because i wanted control of my own mental health. Yet, the damage was done and i still feel like i need to be doing everything to be worth something, even when my adhd doesnt want me doing anything. I hope you find your way back to your hobbies if its still something you want to do.
@@MrKeychange so i agree this would help once i let my mind settle on one thing. Like anything else, another thing on my to-do just feels overwhelming. I did commission stuff for awhile but it always cost more than i expected and took longer...not happy clients. I made replica props and costumes, so each project is a new thing. Ive taught myself 3D modeling and 3D printing. The good thing there is that modeling is free, printing is cheap, and once you press the go button, it prints on autopilot. Etsy is my next stopon that train.
I am in tears. I’m a senior, and just now developing strategies to cope. I do find that I’m developing strategies for housework….those darn dishes just don’t get washed! But this is what I’m focusing on, not what is important to me. I am lonely. I have isolated (insulated?) myself. I always had friends at work. “Work friends”, but when I retired, I didn’t know how to try to maintain those relationships. I’ve moved to a new state, and have noticed very few people my age to even approach. Your videos, and therapy, have helped me progress to the point of wanting to get out more. I look forward to trying new strategies. Thank you
Thank you! This has been one of my biggest frustrations and I've never seen anyone talk or write about it. Its so easy to get down on myself when I struggle with something that I genuinely want to do. It makes those "You're just lazy" messages go off in my head. Work can be much easier because it usually has set expectations and processes. When things are wide open and I can do what I want, I struggle much more. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone with that frustration!
Yeah the message I got growing up was "you can't go play until your homework and chores are done." Hence why my social circle was small. Turn down invitations often enough, they tend to stop coming. 😢
Then I started to be the opposite where I would ask to stay in for recess so I could get my homework done and play when I got home, they never allowed me to do that
I'm 65 and just had the epiphany that I have ADHD! I have all the aspects! Unfinished projects, neglected house, I thought I was broken and just a mess. I hyperfocus on things or cleaning one item in a room till it shines, but the rest of the room isn't. I seem super-unmotivated, but I think I overwhelm myself by trying to motivate myself in too many directions.
I'm 30 and diagnosed last year, I think this last month figured right dose for my med. I send you love, I've been struggling and worst is when tried to explain to friends and family with intent so they understand they distanced themselves, like they had a belief in my potential and no more since now they are expert on my shortfalls, so kinda lost those relationships too. But I tell myself everyday that I am not a mistake of evolution, I am meant to be here and I will keep going alone if that's what it comes to, and help make life beautiful & meaningful! ❤
I think the circle of friends thing is one of the more difficult thing as someone with ADHD, I can go super productive and intensely focus on work related things, but doing that to a person in order to be friends can be a lot to put on a person
I'm currently unemployed and full time house husbanding. My wife (also undiagnosed) makes enough in her business that she is able to support the house and has encouraged me to take this time to rest and "do what I've always wanted to do". Which has been surprisingly difficult and indeed does take a lot of executive function to not only do things enjoyable, but also combat the constant guilt placed on us all by society. I'm cooking, cleaning, taking care of the dogs, I'm doing small repairs, etc. But I'm not "functional member of society"-ing. Executive function coping mechanisms and strategies for work are often completely under-utilized in "non-work" stuff and making that switch isn't the easiest thing. I've started a youtube project that has been so fun to work on and plan, but again I've hit that wall of execution and pressing record on the script I have. Thanks for putting out this video. It's great also seeing that we're not alone (wife and I) with the things we deal with, and also to see others that have similar support structures and love languages.
I actually just talked to my therapist about this last night. I take my meds during the work week, and those days are great!but the weekends are tough and I feel bad for my family because of it. She asked me what I can do for myself to help me feel better, and then told me to talk with my wife to help me schedule time for those activities on the weekend. Those extra-curricular activities matter so much! Thank you as always for the video
I have way more executive dysfunction struggles being a mom than I ever did working a job. I feel like that's another thing you don't hear enough people talking about.
This is exactly how I feel. I've masked ADHD so well my whole life (even to myself!) that I'm literally a CTO now, and I haven't really done anything to focus on stuff that really matters to me. I'm really looking forward to this series! This was a great start.
The calendar notification in the background at 2:27 made me check my notifications, before I realised that it's not for a calendar I'm using at the moment! Still being jumpy about calendar notifications for reasons I can't identify is quite frustrating... Great video though, thank you as always!
As a stay at home mom, this is great to see. I don't have work or school but still have important responsibilities and there isn't a defined line between my "work" and my "home" time. Yet I still need to put energy into doing things for me. Something I'm doing now is getting up an hour before my baby. I take that time to do morning self care and getting ready for the day. Having a warm cup of tea while I pray and study my Bible has had huge benefits in the past few weeks!
So true, incentives to prioritize a thing do indeed often lack for leisure time, and yes, planning the play time is hard! So important you are talking about this, Jessica.
What you're saying is so relatable. I honestly thought, it was only me feeling this way, struggling doing "unproductive things". Somehow or for some reason, unproductive stuff feels "wrong" to be doing. And as you say, it doesn't really feel like that reward you get when you done with your homework/chores/whatever-you-call-it. I will NEVER be really be DONE doing dishes or laundry or cleaning (or other chore-stuff because I can always do more) - and then "the award" becomes this unreachable thing that just makes me feel less.
I wasn't diagnosed until I was 20 because I did very well in school, tested very well, skipped several grades, etc. But my god... I struggled so much to do anything for myself outside of school. Showering, cleaning my room, sleeping, eating. I was underweight because I found eating boring. I never learned to drive a car. My skills were so unbalanced, and people made jokes about it but they didnt think it could be ADHD, because people with ADHD struggle in school. I just struggled with everything else. I was clearly hyperactive, impulsive, losing things constantly, everything. The people who noticed and finally pointed it out to me were other people with ADHD. After the third time someone assumed I knew I had it, I started doing research and scored "full bingo" on the diagnostic screener. And found your channel! Getting meds and treatment definitely made me realize that things were NOT supposed to be that hard. So thank you for addressing the fact that we still have ADHD outside work and school. It means a lot to me.
I've been "trying" to start a youtube channel for about 5 years and have GAD and ADHD combined type (diagnosed 6 years ago). I have just recently come to a point where I am comfortable with the maintenance of my disorders and keeping up with work. I have set a goal to start the channel by the end of this year and your video has come at the exact right time for me! THANK YOU! Can't wait to see what comes next.
Great content. I feel that the content of your channel is maturing. Not that it was ever immature or unrelatable, but as time has gone by, the honesty and authenticity has come to the fore as you are honest about the struggles, and this makes the content more relatable.
This is actually really good advice for not only executive functioning but also parenting goals in general. Encourage the fun and boundaries on work just as much as the other way around
It’s especially important when you retire. I only discovered my ADHD when I retired, because my work environment was stimulating and I’d intuited my own supports. It’s been so much more harder at home and it’s been demotivating because I always thought I just didn’t have time and if I just didn’t have to worry about work, I’d get so much done in my hobbies. Now that I’ve started nonstimulant medication and joined a Maker Space, it’s getting better. I guess in the past, I was relying on hyperfocus to power through the important stuff and using lack of time as an excuse for lack of focus/poor executive function.
@@TheEvie202 a collective workshop with access to tools and fellowship with other makers. You pay monthly dues for membership. The folks who run the one I joined use the analogy that’s it’s like a gym membership. A well-equipped maker space will enable you to pursue most hobbies without investing in gear and materials. Perfect for ADHDers who flit from hobby to hobby.
I’m 63 years old, and I’m finally learning that there is no such thing as the work being done. If you don’t take time away and take care of the things that bring you joy and rejuvenate your soul, you end up tired and burned out, sick and depressed. Then you find no satisfaction or joy in your work, which drags you further down. So yes, it’s vital to do those things outside of work that lift you up. Now I need to take my own advice…
Thank you for home edition (In true adh- fashion I wrote this comment as soon as I started to see the clip). For my school and my job (teacher) as inbuilt help/time pressure for me doing the things (like the class starts at certain a hour and I need have the exercises ready for that class). But I have always have struggled and I am still struggling (at 45 years old) get everyday task at home done. (before I became teacher I had problem with jobs that didn´t have the inbuild deadline time pressure and importance in built in them to do and keep those jobs). So now in the end of the video as I see it didn´t was the video I thougt it was. But I still liked it and gained a new perspective.
I am doing this right now! For me its finding ways to spend quality time with my kids by practicing a hobby with them consistently every week. They need me im doing everything i can to help them. That is my focus right now. Thank you!!
I really needed this. A lot of my friends and family don't even know or understand the struggles that I am going through dealing with ADHD. I really enjoy this channel, alot!
It is incredibly hard to unwire the biases of our psyches. Don’t see it as a task. See it as an exploration of the self. Discover. You like to discover. Discover more who you are and want to be. It is a fun activity ngl. Adhd (and your channel) was just the beginning for me. You and only you can find out who you want to be. Accept other people’s opinion. Don’t resent them, but reject them gracefully. If worth anything, mental health is worth more above any form of success or prestige and is worth fighting for.
When everything is so hard, those easier things become a bit addictive. It's enjoyable to soak in that success, like a warm jacuzzi. To feel competent, successful, on top. It's seductive. Sure, growth happens in the uncomfortable margins, but you've spent so much time uncomfortable already, no, not uncomfortable, suffering! Don't you deserve this? The temptation is great, but just like the jacuzzi, you must get out before you cause yourself harm. Anyway, I know you are in no such danger. You've got this. You are an inspiration.
Gosh these videos have helped me so much recently as I’ve come across them. I haven’t been able to put any of the “tools” into effect yet, but watching your videos just makes me feel so understood. Being in grad school without having any tools for managing my ADHD has just made me feel so so isolated and paralyzed. It’s a breath of fresh air to finally know someone else feels the same things I do!
Hi, I'm pretty new to the whole "I have ADHD" thing (less than a week). I started on this journey when my kid was diagnosed, while I was doing some research I really related to the material. So I made some appointments, and here I am. I had a lot (no really, a lot) of difficulty with social interactions when I was younger (and some when I wasn't so young), but I used to equate that with my hearing impairment. I am starting to realize that it wasn't the only thing creating challenges. I'm looking forward to more videos about using strategies on personal goals. Keep up the great work!
It is *so* much easier to have to find motivation for things you have to do to survive, but most DEFINITELY everything else matters too. Thank you so much for sharing, it is always nice to know that other people deal with the same things as me!
Wow, that was wholesome. Somehow I feel a little lighter now knowing that it's ok not only wanting to perform at work. This has something to do with selfcare. There's a similar effect in negligence of hygiene whilst staying at home (nobody else sees it). I call this phenomenon: "being a bad chief to myself". Even though it would be more comfortable being clean, smelling nice, etc. It almost feels like an inner voice telling me I'm not worth it, I would only have to be clean when meeting other people. I only realised this after my therapist told me that it's okay to give myself a spa day just for the sake of feeling good/happy and confident/pretty even while being "just on my own". You ARE worth it.
Seriously, what would I do without you!! I have just graduated high school but my ADHD was recognised approx. one year before my finals. Without you, I would have never considered that I might have ADHD, and when I felt alone and unsupported, your videos would always make me feel better. With the help of my medication, I have been accepted into my dream uni and I have become more self-aware. I really admire how you are constantly growing as person, and by sharing that growth on TH-cam, you have encouraged me to grow as well. :) Thank you!
Oh my goodness! This!! 💯! I have/had some issues dealing with narcissists in addition to everything. I am SO blessed to have a Cousin & an Aunt that gets this & and encourages me! I have buried myself in work in the past. I have even wound up in the hospital from doing this.. (pushing too hard - exhaustion). The old saying applies here - you have to apply your own oxygen mask before helping others. Unfortunately, I have had others guilt me over stuff & soon you do it to yourself, but that having fun social/hobby/whatever you like to do is the thing that makes you be able to DO & keep doing the responsible/caring/grownup things for others.
Thank you so much for this … I struggle CONSTANTLY to take my meds for “fun stuff” because it’s not productive or work but you’re so right … we deserve to have fun too, that’s important!
I dont know why but what you were speaking about prompted me to pause this video on two occassions to reply to friends messages who had reached out to me and who i hadn't thought to reply to earlier. While the thought of that friend was there, I'm practicing reaching out in that moment (if i can) otherwise it might be weeks or months until i do. So thank you!! Best of luck with your new adventure, forever learning 😊
I can so relate to this! Hiding myself in work or uni stuff feels "safe" because "I don't run the risk of wasting my time". When it comes to my hobbies or even wellness, I have this huge wall of guilt I have to overcome. I see the same thing in my mom as well, so I sent her this. This will help us both
Man, this is so real! I’m such a big hobby girlie and artist, and I still struggle so much to finish a craft or project, even if I really like doing them. One of my hot tips: keep a stack of sticky notes or a little notebook when you’re playing video games or doing a hobby, and I think of it as ‘my brain’. If I’m playing stardew valley? Then I might write down what task I’m working on. What quest line it is and for who. What kind of fish I’m trying to find. What materials I need to collect and how many. I literally just keep a running tally of ‘what thoughts I’m supposed to be holding in my mind RIGHT NOW’ and crossing them off as I go, because you know what? My brain doesn’t work like that. I like to joke ‘I’ve got about as much RAM as a game boy color’. I just can’t hold onto 2 thoughts at the same time for more than a few minutes. And that’s okay! Even video games can get really complicated and demanding on your executive function. That’s not a ‘you problem’; leisure time should be fun. Video games should be fun. This is YOUR time. So make the bad parts better with wild abandon! Cheat! Use shortcuts! Use products that save you time and effort! You deserve your fun time to be fun.
I do this with games, too! I have a little notebook labeled "BotW Notes" (and when I finish that and get TotK - please no spoilers~, it'll be labeled "TotK Notes") and for an MMORPG I'm a part of, I had a Trello Board for awhile, as it was significantly more complex.
Our working memory might be rubbish but if we can process the information learn it and store it our long term memories are amazing. We become champions in general knowledge trivia. We are also extremely creative with out of the box solutions to problems and incredible skills in music, theatre, drama, science, engineering, technology and visual arts
I take my meds for vacations with family, packing and traveling, personal projects… Or at least, I prefer to. With the med shortage, it’s harder to decide whether to take it on the weekend. One of the non-work things I’m currently trying to get better at: participating in social activities. I’m introverted, so it’s been extra easy to avoid prioritizing my social life. But I’m trying to do more. That means I need to pay attention to how I can make social situations more accessible for me. I already bring fidget toys for during conversation. I’m practicing coming late and/or leaving early-often difficult, because leaving early requires me to switch tasks/modes. I’ve ordered a pair of Loops earplugs to hopefully help with the sensory aspect. I should also try to take initiative and suggest activities that I will actually enjoy, but that’s difficult. I’ll get there. It’s a struggle to balance multiple goals at a time, though, especially as a freelancer: work goals, social goals, personal project goals… bah.
I absolutely love this. When I was dealing with visitation issues with my sons father, the judge asked if I had my son take breaks from his meds on weekends or the summer. I said no, thinking it was obvious why I wouldn't. I had to explain, he doesn't only have ADHD and aspergers when he's doing schoolwork; he always has it. It doesn't change when he's outside or when he's working on something different... it's always there. You explained it much more eloquently.
This video really hits close to home. I started following you to help my son who has ADHD, then realized oh...I have ADHD. Thank you for what you do I've learned so much about myself. Now go have some fun!
I've just started on meds and went to a festival on them last week. Was amazed at how much easier it was to concentrate on the bands and not be constantly wanting to wander off or look at other things. Definitely going to keep using them outside of work hours!
I'm so excited for the videos you'll make on this topic! This actually just came up for me. I haven't been able to get my meds for months and I've been barely functional, at work, at home, everywhere. I finally got meds again and was telling my partner I wouldn't take them on weekends so I could have a buffer in case the pharmacy is out again next month and he said "You know, you deserve to be able to focus on the things you want to do, too, not just work." And that sort of blew my mind. So incredible that your video today was about the same basic idea! Can't wait to work on this with you!
It's really encouraging to hear you're going to be doing more content on getting more skilled at enjoying life outside work/chores (3:30). I've only known what to call the difficulties I have for a few months, and even though I know there's more help and information out there than ever (including your channel), it's been hard to find encouragement to apply these skills/tools outside work too. Thank you!
Ah THIS is so important!! Thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling my whole life. Our culture, esp in the US, prioritizes productivity for capitalism over all else, and I too struggle with "justifying" my hobbies and finding time to just play. But this is the stuff of a happy and fulfilled life! I am recently diagnosed at 30 and it ALL makes so much sense. A helpful book for me is called Rest is Resistance. Whatever our forms of rest and play look like, they matter.
I think a lot of western nations follow the same pattern I think we could learn a lot from the ancient traditions of buddhism and Daoism keeping a healthy balance
This is great commentary on society in general. It’s so work centric that it often feels like our worth is almost exclusively tied to work. I find it especially frustrating for myself because I have so many other skills that aren’t work related and want to develop; but work ties up so much of our lives that it’s almost impossible to have time for anything aside of standard life responsibilities outside of work. Society is long overdue for a change.
My problem has been that I don't spend enough time and focus on work/job search stuff, and I feel like I'm avoiding the work stuff that really should be focused on when I focus on fun or "unimportant" things. Striking that balance between the two feels really difficult because finding a job is important, but I don't want to let go of the fun stuff in the process.
Once the femme partner becomes a parent and fills a motherly role, you get a bunch of "fill your own cup first!" advice that is just as frustrating as the executive function at work suggestion to "just do the thing." I've gone to EAP therapy and my experience has been that therapists have told me to "take some time for yourself, read a book" etc and it's such a waste of my time. I know WHAT to do; I don't know how to get from point A to point B with that knowledge. 🤦♀️ The most helpful thing for me in those times of struggle was coming here and watching a video where you/Jessica said that sometimes it's being out of balance with one's own values. THAT was what I needed to hear, not defining all the things I like to do that I don't seem to find time to do.
How do you literally always say exactly what I need to hear!? The idea of work becoming the "thing that the struggle has now been overcome" is so real....I pour myself into my work because it's different, challenging, and rewarding every single day, but things without a tangible success factor are very hard for me. I thought for a while that I was getting better at work/life balance because I bought a new horse (lifelong rider but was without my own mount for 12 years) and now ride several times a week, and because I took up woodworking as a creative hobby and absolutely love spending time working on projects....but listening to you in this video, I'm realizing that even those are activities with hard and fast end points (I couldn't do this maneuver on my horse before, and now from working on it for months I now can ; I started with a pile of wood and screws, and now I have this tangible thing I built), AND they're extremely difficult/complex/challenging activities. But yet, I'm not taking the time for things like floating around the pool, playing video games, or going on a walk with my kid, or going on dates with my husband. Those things are also very important to me, but without that pressure from society or that clear "end point" to work toward, you're so right that it's difficult to initiate them regularly.
I really appreciate you talking about this. I struggle so much to do anything for myself that I've stopped being creative and it's taking a real toll on my mental health to the point where my current goal in therapy is to ease myself back into being able to partake in and enjoy my hobbies again. I've been stuck in the "don't do this, do work instead, it's more important" mindset for years and am extremely prone to overwhelm and burnout as a result. I look forward to the other videos you'll be making on this!
About the meds - my boyfriend has asthma and takes medication for it. I told him when I started taking my ADHD medication, that I don't really need them at home, just at work. He then told me ''oh, okay, I will also stop taking my ashtma medication at home, I'm sure it'll be fine, I don't need them.''. And then I panicked and said ''wait, no, you can't do that, you need medication otherwise your ashtma... Oh... Right.... I see what you're saying, haha. Okay, I'll take my medication when I'm at home too.'' He then rolled his eyes haha.
I am so grateful to you for putting yourself out there for all of us! You have helped me immensely over the years! Would you consider doing a video about the connection between disordered eating/over and under-weight with ADHD. Women with ADHD are 4x more likely to develop problems in this area and poor executive function is the culprit with little to no ADHD-friendly coping skills.
I’m a stay at home mom and honestly it makes more sense for me to use medication when my husband is home, family visiting or social outings, when I need to ‘adult’. During the ‘work’ week, i just have fun with my kid and embrace the chaos!
These videos are helping so much. I’m 26 and I just got diagnosed with ADHD. It’s been such a relief but at the same time now I’m just like “well what do I do now?” And I feel like I’m having to learn myself all over again and pay attention to what I actually struggle with personally so I know where I need to adapt strategies the most to help me. I spent so many years masking subconsciously that I was disconnected from myself and my environment for so long. But you seriously have been such a helpful light for me along with my amazing therapist who also has ADHD. I know you hear this a lot but thank you so much and I’m dedicated to figuring all this out and what works for me.
It’s a new beginning we love new novel experiences they give us massive dopamine hits so like the song in The King and I Getting to Know You it should be an exciting journey of self discovery
Something that really made this hit home for me is when I started having grandkids. I wanted the time we spent together to be fun and memorable, and for that to happen, I really need to plan and focus on the time we spend together.
Another thing we adult ADHDers might want to do during the summer: When our kids are home we want to give them the opportunities, experiences, and the stable day-to-day life that is best for everyone. Rather than getting so overwhelmed that we drown in the responsibility and then feel guilty for it, too. It is hard for everyone, but our executive dysfunction makes it harder. That is also the case for full-time parents. Some doctors think that being a full-time parent is not something that requires enough executive function to warrant prescribing ADHD meds to a diagnosed person. 😑 Male doctors...with a stay at home wifes... who never really notices what she does at home, I assume....
What the actual f! That's insane. Being a stay at home mom is way harder than an office job which is structured & time limited. And it's not up to the doctor to decide that. If they are officially diagnosed they are entitled to the medication which helps them function!
The situation I found myself in over and over and over is, that I only could focus on one aspect at a time and whenever I chose one aspect, every other aspect was completely left behind. So I could only decide to focus on school, but then I wouldn't even be able to eat enough and healthy or clean my place. Social contacts and hobbies were completely out of the picture. When a time came around where I didn't need to focus on school anymore I could switch my focus to finally cleaning and eating better but I would also need about one or two weeks to find my way into that and then I would spent some very intense weeks on one hobby or one social contact just to suddenly leave it completely behind again, when school came back around. I'm trying to fit more than one aspect into my weeks and month now but I feel pretty stressed by that...
Looking back on university, I had a similar experience. I didn't end up getting involved in any of the clubs or extracurriculars or off campus things because school took up so much of my bandwidth that I didn't even consider doing those things. Also, task switching is definitely hard. I have at times been more intentional about hobbies and trying to make sure one thing doesn't take up too much of my time, but it's challenging. Seconding the advice of setting a time to mark the time between them-also, having a separate space for fun vs work vs rest has been really important for me, though I'm not the best at doing that now
I'm on vacation now, and honestly. This is a great moment to see this! I've currently only been gaming because it's easy and not really relaxing. I did notice lately that I find it easier to socialise with my friends when I'm on my meds. Less awkward moments by impulsive thoughts babbling through to my mouth XD
I know exactly how you feel. If I want to do something for myself, I couldn't care less. If people are relying on me, it becomes the most important thing I could do.
Oh this is a "right in the childhood" video for me. I was always told a similar thing of until my homework was done I couldn't play. So I resenting homework and any kind of school work, and basically was unmotivated to even play by the time my homework got done (usually about 20 minutes before bed, because I didn't have time to cool off mentally after school). The one time I was in high school and was encouraged to play a little after school my dad shut that down HARD because he didn't see the value in my mental de-stress time.
This was so needed in my life. As someone who poured into their doctorate and career with an emptiness inside once I accomplished those things. Then struggling to find dedication to hobbies and find more meaning in life. wow, thank you 🙏🏼. I wish I heard this sooner and prioritized these things sooner!
Your videos pop up on my feed at perfect moments. I had the big talk with my better half about some of the struggles I deal with daily with my unmedicated ADHD ... at this moment I am putting off making content for my TH-cam channel. I know I need to put out X amount of videos and shorts per week to hit my goal... I have a blast doing it..... usually. I am a few hundred hours of watch time from my goal.... but I have stuff I need to do here at home and the anxiety and guilt comes through on video at these moments if i do my TH-cam thing instead of laundry , dishes , yardwork etc... so here I sit on the deck .. drinking coffee , watching your video.... not accomplishing a damn thing
wow, I really needed that. I was diagnosed latter in life, and now I am beggining to succed in the academic and work area, but I just feel so alone and disconected from people. Thank you
Wonderful video! I’m excited to hear more of your thoughts as you make the series. I also struggle with my “home” life more than my “work” life. Mostly because I’m extremely motivated by other people’s deadlines, and not really by my own. Also being told to “do what I want” isn’t helpful because I “want” to do so many things! Choosing and prioritizing is so hard! I want to do art, I want a clean space, I want to do something for my mental health, etc etc.
Thank you for the videos you make. At 53 I feel I'm finally starting to understand myself and now feel comfortable reaching out for help. I wish you all the success in the world. You are certainly changing lives.
I needed this. I just graduated from college and I thought once I was done I would feel more relief by the end but now I just feel kind of lost and don’t know what to do with my new found time and when I do try to relax I feel guilty that I’m not being productive or guilty that I’m not utilizing this new freedom. For so long free time has been more about recovering from the stress of work and school and now I’m really having to face how neglected my personal life has been. It is validating to know that others are struggling with personal time and it isn’t always practical to skip medication when you aren’t working.
I will readily admit that I was hoping for some strategies from this video as opposed to simply putting words to a problem that was already quite obvious to me; however, looking at the other comments, it's clear that a myriad of other people did need words put to it, so I'm glad that you did.
Good topic! Though my job is being a carer for my disabled mum, my work and home life are kind of mashed together. I tried doing the "meds break" thing over a couple of weekends, but I was so tired and zoned out with the post-meds fatigue/rebound that I couldn't enjoy myself, so I just take them at weekends as well. 😂
Thank you so much for this! I'm new enough to this that I am still learning strategies for work and chores and other "necessary" tasks. It's wonderful to be reminded that things that matter to me, that make me happy, are important, too!
Thank you for explaining this frustration I’ve been having! It’s so discouraging to feel like you “mess up” the things that are supposed to be relaxing. I’ll try to have more grace for my ADHD when that happens. 😊
I'm not sure how many of your videos Sunsama has sponsored, but I found them after they sponsored one a couple of months ago. Sunsama... hands down, the best, most useful calendar and task tracker I've seen. It seriously keeps things in front of me that I'd otherwise forget about in the former abyss of notes on my desk. Thank you both.
I've actually been thinking about this a lot lately. I haven't started meds yet, but I've been thinking it might be better to try it out on my days off than on workdays, partly because I think the difference will be more noticeable when I'm trying to get things done at home and partly because I've really noticed lately how hard I find it to relax and do something fun or fulfilling.
As a 31 year old that just got diagnosed about 2 years ago this is what I have struggled with for over a year now. I knew I had adhd since my teen years but didn't get diagnosed and medicated till i was 29. It was fantastic at first to be able to focus on work and be productive around the house and get things settled in an adult way...but now I have such a negative self talk about doing anything not productive. I can't relax anymore and I always have to be working in order to feel like I am getting better. Your recent videos are exactly what I have been searching for guidance on so I am so excited about exploring these struggles with you. Your older videos got me through my early days of diagnosis and I am so glad your new ones will be here to help me through this next struggle as well.
This is magnified so manyfold when you're stuck in a job you honestly don't care about. I feel...weird, spending so much time and energy and medication and money maximizing my productivity at my job when I REALLY DON'T CARE. And then I'm told I need to give my brain a break when I'm off work, and I just...fail at everything else--but I can't take my meds during the weekend because I'll build a tolerance. So I'm maximizing my life to...do menial data entry work? Why? I don't receive gratification from my work, I don't feel like I'm improving society or helping people, but the "right thing to do" is to increase my output.
Felt like I really needed this video right now. I feel so lost and like I'm doing nothing with my life, except for working. it's the 50/50 split on "it's fine because you work" and "you need to do more things you want". Hard to actually even think about what I want, and even when I can, taking those first steps is so hard because I've never done it before. Never gone out, made friends, socialized, joined a group, whatever it is. Maybe one day.
Biggest barrier for me is thinking I don't deserve to enjoy anything if I'm struggling at work (formerly school). So I pour everything into work, and guess what? In general, work doesn't care about you back
Oh my goodness i am so excited to see these future videos you want to make! There are so many things in my life that I want to get better at, and that really matter to me. This video really hits deep! Our hobbies are equally important as our job/work, and recognizing this REALLY opened my mind in my own life!!!!
Being in "enforced retirement" due to severe ADHD and other mental illnesses, I can relate to this. I still struggle with making that phone call to a friend, just to see how she is doing. My catastrophization has me thinking that I'm interrupting their lives, when the truth is I don't know. My circle of friends is small, some of it by choice, but my ADHD makes it hard for me to bond closely to anyone outside of my family.
Yeeeaaaaah... friendship circles (and Judith Snow's model of the Circles of Intimacy) are... a tough one to fill out for a lot of us. And it can take so much energy to try to work on those areas.
I have the same problem. I don't text my friends often, but it feels like it's less of an interruption. Then I use that to set up a time to get together or call, so I don't feel the same (unneeded) burden of interrupting their lives.
@@HowtoADHD an entire chapter on peopling? 😮 that sounds exhausting but I did post on my class discussion board I was open to a from class study buddy. So I’m going to need it.
I have accidentally happened upon the solution to maintaining friendships (can't take credit for it, my friends started it haha)
Basically, my group of friends has a regular time and place where we meet every Saturday, and you can turn up or not turn up as you like. Occasionally people will confirm in a group chat we have if they're going to be there or not, but it's not necessary. So I get to have regular, scheduled time with my friends and the only thing I have to do to keep it, is to turn up at around that time on a Saturday, in the regular place. I'm never on time, but that doesn't matter either since it's at a cafe and it's drop-in.
I didn't realise until recently that it's how I've been able to maintain so many healthy friendships for so many years. I'm lucky that my friends started to do this, I never would have thought of it!
Have you considered setting dates in your calendar to text certain friends and check in? It sounds silly, but I find if it's a planned thing, I get around my anxiety. The impulse to check in seems corrupted and triggers your thought loops. Changing the neural pathway might loop around the anxiety.
I am 38 and just diagnosed and I am struggling hard with letting go of being angry. I feel like my parents just ignored the signs and did nothing and just told me I wasn't trying hard enough. Now I get from them "How can you have ADHD all of sudden?" No matter what they act like it's just me being lazy. It is so hard to try and figure out how to live my life all over again while being told that I'm making excuses. I am thankful that my husband is supportive but it never stops hurting when the people who are suppose to love you just leave you to be unsuccessful and then blame you for not being better. Your videos have helped me come to terms with many things. Thank you so much for what you do. So many of us have people in our lives that just don't believe our struggles. You have created a safe space for us.
I'm so sorry you are still dealing with them dismissing your struggles. I know it's hard, and you wish they'd change, but it's unlikely they will. If you're able, work towards accepting them for who they are and what they're capable of (and what they're not) and learn to get your needs met through your self and other supportive people in your life, like your husband. Build relationships with other ADHDers who understand. You deserve support. 😊
I just found out I have ADHD too (I'm 35)! I totally get what you mean, a lot of people don't understand the struggles, and maybe they never will. I just think of it as a super power especially now that I got the right meds to support me.
I'm similar with a very late diagnosis in life. I wasn't the kid bouncing off the walls, and I had enough tenacity to push through school and work, so my parents and school just figured it "wasn't a problem" because I always worked it out. As a kid I just remember working far longer hours than my peers just to maintain a B average. As a young adult, I started and stopped college several times, and have just as many credits as my wife does (and a slightly better college GPA)... but she has a masters and 2 undergrads, while I don't even have an associates degree.
In the work place, I have been kept around because when faced with a weird or extreme situation, I would come through... but on day-to-day notifications and routine tasks I have always been prone to miss things and make really dumb mistakes. I still did really well at most jobs I have had, but at the sacrifice of a lot of unreported overtime to keep up with normal workloads, and literally keeping my personal life at a very basic bare minimum. How other people put in a 6-8 hour work day, and would then go out on a date, or some social event, or get involved in the community... it was like... but how though?!?! I would finish work an hour or two late, and be a vegetable in the evenings hoping to catch up on personal things and chores on the weekends.
Getting diagnosed explained sooooo much! getting medication has helped me take my work life to the next level, which came at just the right time to help pay for other issues in life. And generally the meds wear off in the evenings, so I am typically pretty useless on the home front at night... but generally on the weekends I am just catching up for a couple hours and get to enjoy some R&R and enjoy life a little bit, where I simply didn't get that kind of active time to work on a hobby before.
I'm a little bitter at my parents and teachers for not pushing me in this direction before... but mostly I'm just thankful that 'normal' doesn't seem nearly as impossible as it once was.
Similar boat, but add an autism diagnosis too. My Mom recognized I was "different" and not just "gifted" as I was labeled in school early on, and she believes the diagnosis. Dad, however, acts like it's not a problem. He's definitely ADHD and self-medicated his entire life with massive amounts of caffeine, and when his job was suddenly gone, he retreated into himself, but still acts like executive function isn't a problem when he doesn't do things that affect others, including letting yard work go until almost getting a fine.
Some people won't ever get the reality of this. I'm sorry that's who you're dealing with and I hope you have access to a therapist to work through the anger.
I'm in the process of seeking diagnosis. I'm much more successful in school.and work but I struggle with needing the urgency of a looming deadline to complete tasks, but it burns and stresses me out. Then at home I'm already burnt out and dealing with a severe ADHD partner who isn't managing himself. I am hoping to get a diagnosis and the tools so I can show him yes, you absolutely can use those tools to function at home too not just for work.
This message is relevant for any person who has struggled with people-pleasing, as well. In grad school, I started to play my guitar for 15 minutes per day, BEFORE I worked on my thesis (on a topic I no longer loved). Soon, I noticed that my guitar and improvisation skills were improving, which meant that I was happy in “creative mode” when I sat down at my laptop to write. As my practice time increased, my guitar skills improved and I got just as much done with my thesis and other parts of my life. Unfortunately, I started to wonder if I’d accomplish more on the thesis (eg, graduation) If I quit guitar for a while. The result was that I became unhappy and physically ill from stress, too the point that I had to quit grad school for a while. My conclusions? Doing the thing I loved with a time limit engaged my creativity and made me happier and healthier, so I could do the required task I didn’t want to do. Keep in mind that I’d started the research on a topic I no longer liked a few years before because I thought I had to do something “needed” by society, not recognizing how much the arts contribute to social change and healing. In the end, I decided it was best to go with what I love and see how that could contribute to society.
Very interesting!
I noted her ukulele and guitar in the wall at the end of her video during the sponsored portion. I play music as well and sometimes use it as a reward but maybe I should use it as my warm up. I like this idea so very much!
Thanks for sharing this. I'm a musician who's in grad school for counseling (a field I also love) but struggle to prioritize practicing even though creativity and music is such an important part of who I am. Needed to hear this
Literally 2 hours ago I was telling someone how hard it is for me to practice "communication hygiene" - keeping in contact with people that I want to keep in my life. Interested to hear how you handle this kind of thing.
I would also love to see a video on this topic!
god, I am the worst at this. It's not that I hate my friends, it's just that I'm so focused on my own stuff that I forget anyone else exists unless they're literally in my face. Calling people is hard enough, but I can't even make the attempt to do so if I forget they're there!
My anxiety tells me that if I call a friend, they are actually busy and it's a bad time and they don't really want to hear from me.
As a result, I really don't reach out and contact friends who I care about and would love to see and hear from more often.
I can totally relate - if I don't get back to on onto to someone as soon as I think of it/receive a message, I will completely forget for ages more. I've lost new friends this way, which I really regret. The other thing I do is get in touch with people when I need something - which is a terrible habit, it's not that I don't care about other people, it's just that I've forgotten to get in touch with them until then.
I've taken to occasionally just scrolling through my WhatsApp when I'm bored, to see if there's anyone I should get in touch with, and there are always a few!!
Yes, would love to see a video about that!
I really needed this. It hit me like a ton of bricks a few weeks ago that my life is work, D&D, and sleep. That's it. I get so stuck in the mindset that I can only do stuff for fun once my apartment is completely clean and all my chores are done that I end up never leaving the apartment unless I'm doing a group activity like D&D. I'm just now starting to work on pushing past that.
Feeling this! But mine is Cities Skylines and I don't have to leave for that. 😅
I was raised to only have fun when work is done!
Omg same
@@LKMMcLaw I always say that in my brain ye olde Protestant Work Ethics joined Forces with perfectionism and created the perfect storm. According to my brain weasels, I don't get to play until my work is finished and as long as there is anything left that is not perfect, I am not allowed to consider it finished. That attitude combined with an ADHD brain is a recipe for disaster - or rather for major depression and generalized anxiety...
It sounds like a good life balance to me. Are you telling me there's more?
My Dr. was baffled when I stated that I wanted the meds for home MORE than for at work. I can fake it at work. There are external factors that keep me on track. BUT, It turns out I also want to cook a real meal and clean my house. Do things that make me happy and healthy so I have the energy for work.
I worked in a special ed classroom lol. The visual schedule and calendar are on the whiteboard. The work tasks are lined up in a tub. Everything is written down with check boxes and labels
Like just give me meds for where I actually need them
Amen!
This is so true. Most jobs create a structure and schedule built for ADHD, in a lot of ways. They've had to because there are so many of us out here undiagnosed and they need the work done lol. But at home... it's on us. And it's so hard. My psychiatrist absolutely refuses to prescribe stimulants for ADHD, so I am on a second tier prescription that doesn't entirely take the edge off. It's enough to make it through work but at home I spend more time zoning out in front of youtube then actually getting anything I want to do accomplished. I need to find a new psych but it's so difficult to do.
ADHD is like an internal game of telephone. The initial decision made sense, but after a few hours, you’re making a PB&J as a part of your plan to schedule an appointment with the DMV. Meds grab me by the hair every few minutes and let me see that I am making a sandwich instead of an appointment.
We’re allowed to be bored.
We’re allowed to be disinterested.
We’re allowed to identify personal priorities.
We’re allowed to realize that other people’s priorities are worthless to us.
Those are symptoms of being human.
We likely can’t be happy and allow our actions to not appear to prioritize OUR NATURAL priorities.
When I review my meds with my doctor, I don’t discuss the tasks I am paid for. I get paid to do those things because I don’t naturally prioritize them. I will discuss how I was unexpectedly late when I missed my meds, because earning money Is a priority. I mainly discuss how projects I do at home end with the tools being put away when I am on my meds. I discuss how I realize I have already spent 10 minutes straightening Picture frames and it’s time to stop. How I call my friends within moments of thinking I should. How I can throw things away instead of holding on to a belief that I could do a mountain of research and train myself to become an electronic technician and fix a $40 item. Meds don’t allow me to see the forest.
Damn, I wish meds would do that for me 😭
@@mellbell360 it’s not perfection, it is just reasonable. When I take my meds, my wake doesn’t reflect an obvious mental health problem. It’s still a mess, but it isn’t reminiscent of an episode of “Hoarders.” The Froot Loops are still on the table until lunch, but I actually put them away at lunch. Compared to getting to the end of the week and not even noticing that there are 6 cereal boxes already on the table.
My meds work if I have a daily plan... otherwise they enhance my ability to focus on random stuff
As a 34 old Dad with ADHD I 100% vouch for using meds outside of work! If anything my family life is more hectic with 9 year twin boys running around and it helps me be a better dad.
If youre trying to parent while overstimulated you're not going to do a good job.
I also started planning my week using the following method:
1 evening of pure me time
3 evenings with the SO
2 evenings for workouts
1 for social stuff (have a list of people i want to see and work my way down)
It helps... you do howerer need to start planning😅
This is a really good basis. Today out of lots of fun things I did with my 3 year old when asked what the best part of the day was she said playing taxis. It was me and her sat on the floor for 5 minutes. Being a parent with adhd it's so easy to feel overestimulated but taking time for ourselves means we can have more of those 5 minutes
What's SO?
@@scotttovey "significant other".. or someone's partner
Thanks for the recommendations, fellow 34 year old dad!
@@sirbestia
"significant other"
Thank you for that bit of info.
Oh, Jessica - this is awesome! My sister always told me that I was ‘book smart and life dumb’ because I missed a lot of social cues that neuro-typical brains catch. I really need help in this area. Especially since there was no such thing as ADHD when I was growing up and I wasn’t diagnosed until my 40s. Understanding executive functions and many of the other concepts that you discuss would’ve helped me IMMENSELY! God bless you for what you do!! ❤❤❤
Awwwwwww, ugh, I wish people wouldn't use 'life dumb'. We just have struggles in certain areas.
Ugh, I got the "book smart, life dumb" line ALL the time... and it never really bothered me when I was in school and being book smart was really important. But then when school ended and life became a lot more important than books, I started feeling like... ok, I guess I'm just dumb, period. I also was diagnosed late, and even though I didn't struggle in school, I WISH I had had more preparation and time to practice building skills during that time.
@@joyfulgirl40018 Your ‘book-smarts’ will pay off late in life. I promise you!
Literally last night I was playing board games with friends and at the end most people left and the two left were talking about the tension in the house. I literally picked up on nothing! I’m didn’t think I was that unaware, but maybe I am.
My mother used to say that I had "tons of book sense, but no common sense", but she also had full confidence that I could/would learn common sense. I think I did learn a good bit, but these videos have certainly helped me put some of my struggles in context and come up with ways to lessen them (or at least to work around those struggles).
I've not been formally diagnosed, but hoooo, do I *ever* check off items on the symptoms list! I'm 51, and grew up when "only boys have ADD/ADHD" and "even if you were a boy, you can't have it because you do so well in school." (Never mind that I probably could have done even better had I not been distracted so much of the time. If nothing else, college wouldn't have been such a slog, & maybe I could have managed grad school.)
Holy cow, I relate with this so so much. I quit my job last year due to burn out, and have been battling the shame of doing so ever since. I had to work so hard to get good at my job, and thus feel like I am, at least partially, fitting in with society and contributing. I have the luxury of staying at home, while my husband works, and I’ve been trying to learn how to be OK with just existing without having to prove to myself that I only have worth when meeting society’s expectations. Many of society’s expectations are worth meeting, sure, but for me it’s come at a really high cost.
I wish I knew how to heal from burnout while still working a full time job.
@@puppypoet Lucky you for being a woman. Were you a man with those issues, even dating would would have been impossible, let alone getting married.
@@thewingedpotato6463single woman here struggling with a burnout and not having a husband to support her, and struggling with relationships. Can we leave the gender stereotyping behind please? It’s 2023.
And to OP, good on you girl. You do you.
I have been supported by my wife for years now, not being able to work for some other company’s targets because of so many MH issues on top of ADHD and ASD. And although I know that I was simply unable to continue working for some other company (severe anxiety, it just never really fits and I cannot force myself to do that any more, nobody is happy with it, I have my own projects that are right for me, trauma, dysthymia, etc.), the social stigma is a problem and makes my isolation worse. And of course I don’t want to leave the money making to my wife. (Believe it or not, I am actually ambitious. And I like making money too. And taking care of my wife.) Yet, just doing “something” doesn’t work … it breaks me, very badly.
So, that is an ADHD story (plus ASD). We need to find the right thing that works for us and do it. And, as Jessica said in the video, we also need to find time just for us, our families, our friends. And use whatever helps us doing these things, from the ADHD skills and medications toolbox. I believe medication can help there just as much as it can help with work.
@mariecarie1 It's so easy to see the past through rose-colored glasses, but I trust you had good reason to leave a job you worked so hard to get good at. I hope you can let go of the shame, and instead take pride in listening to yourself about your level of burnout. The comments on Jessica's recent video "The Unexpected Side Effects of Pushing Yourself to the Limit" are a validating cautionary tale about the serious health and other consequences of life on hard mode with ADHD.
I wonder if resources geared towards retirees or stay-at-home dads or moms might help? There are actually tons of people hidden in plain sight who don't work traditional jobs yet have fulfilling lives and contribute plenty to society. : - )
Wishing you much joy as you navigate this new phase of your life!
Oh, god, this is well-timed for me!
Definitely hope it helps!
Fittingly, I had to go back to work part way through but now that I’ve had chance to watch to the end:
This is a really important message and beautifully articulated. I’m trying really hard to remember that I work to live, I don’t live to work, and that things that make us happy are important not because they make it easier for us to be productive but *because they make us happy*. I think this video will really help with that and will go into regular rotation for me.
One of my challenges is D&D prep (I DM for one of my group’s campaigns). I actually really like doing session prep once I get started, but I have a massive wall of awful around the idea of it and it’s really hard to get over that initial resistance.
Same!
Same but imma watch it later lol
Same here, I’ve been struggling
I read a statement somewhere that said, “Rest is not a reward, it’s a necessity.” That was so impactful for me. I feel like fun, hobbies, and social interaction fit into that as well. We need prioritize the non-productivity related aspects of our lives too. Thank you for the reminder that work-life balance doesn’t look the same for ADHD brains, and there is nothing wrong with that.
“I was struggling honestly EVEN HARDER…” in our social personal area- thank you. Still struggling hard to figure this out. I am experiencing heavy panic over the idea of not accomplishing anything I’d planned over summer break prior to returning to the school year (I am an Art’s educator).
This has spiked with more recent traumas which set me back unimaginably from my self-care needs & growth/ goals.
Just want to give you solidarity. I am in a very similar panic place right now (break + processing recent trauma + still dealing with shame in all parts of life.) We aren't alone in this, even though it's lonely.
I’m crying. It’s so good and helpful to know that I’m not alone in being successful in what society prioritizes while struggling so hard at home. I mask and hide while I’m working yet I don’t have friends outside of my amazing family. My hobbies are different every week and it’s hard to feel accomplished away from work. That is especially true during the summer as I’m a teacher and feel so lost during summer break. Thank you for this video. For letting me know I’m not alone, that it’s ok, and that improvements can be made. ❤
What a beautiful message to send to children as well. As an educator a mom, thank you!
Hi Jess. For about 4 years Ive been a stay at home dad. We have 2 boys (7&9). One we suspect has adhd and the youngest one diagnosed autism. When i worked, things were better. My job was laid out, i knew my to-do's and i had managers to guide me. Now i'm responsible for deciding what needs done, juggling responsibilities, school stuff, household stuff, etc. I WANT to make money somehow using all of my crafting skill, but regardless of the financial intention, my brain still tells me that im "wasting" time or that my work isnt as important as getting the endless list completed. When i do entertain those thoughts, i no longer have energy or desire to work on the mental load of figuring out how to make a hobby profitable. Thats if my brain still isnt telling me "youve got more important things to do". I feel lately like I've lost myself to my responsibilities and my endless to-do list, as if my worth is directly and solely related to what i was supposed to get done (but usually didnt get done). Its videos like this that allow me to take a breath and realize that im not the only one who feels this way. Giving yourself permission to focus on you is kinda a green light for us to as well. Thanks for everything you do here.
Amen for honestly I feel you and relate to you 100%
Stay at home mum to two boys (9 &12) and my partner's son (10) here every weekend too, and you have pretty much just described my life. My partner is SO supportive of me staying home and thinks I do more than enough just keeping the laundry, meals, washing up etc ticking over each day, but history of an ex-husband with high expectations on on me even when I WAS working has broken me and I'm still trying to get my head around the idea that my worth isn't based on my productivity and earnings. I would love to earn some extra money and have even had a little etsy store making and selling a few bits but it never felt like I could justify keeping it going and I eventually lost motivation and gave up. 😔
What if you consider it a "side hustle"? Name the business, label what you do (so you can identify it as you would a profession) and set up an ETSY shop/ professional email and even a business phone number.
In other words, go through the ritual of legitimizing your work. This way , it's not a hobby, but rather a responsibility. You're now the owner of "Potato Sculpture Industries" and a professional doing his job.
😁👍
@@katie1353 i love that you pointed out how an EX-husband still has sway over your mental conditioning. Most of my family always painted me as lazy and made me felt worthless and unwanted. Some have even ruthlessly laid into me to tell me as much. I dont talk to those people anymore because i wanted control of my own mental health. Yet, the damage was done and i still feel like i need to be doing everything to be worth something, even when my adhd doesnt want me doing anything. I hope you find your way back to your hobbies if its still something you want to do.
@@MrKeychange so i agree this would help once i let my mind settle on one thing. Like anything else, another thing on my to-do just feels overwhelming. I did commission stuff for awhile but it always cost more than i expected and took longer...not happy clients. I made replica props and costumes, so each project is a new thing. Ive taught myself 3D modeling and 3D printing. The good thing there is that modeling is free, printing is cheap, and once you press the go button, it prints on autopilot. Etsy is my next stopon that train.
Having fun and socializing is just as important as work. I hope everyone has a good day.
It really is
I am in tears. I’m a senior, and just now developing strategies to cope. I do find that I’m developing strategies for housework….those darn dishes just don’t get washed! But this is what I’m focusing on, not what is important to me. I am lonely. I have isolated (insulated?) myself. I always had friends at work. “Work friends”, but when I retired, I didn’t know how to try to maintain those relationships. I’ve moved to a new state, and have noticed very few people my age to even approach. Your videos, and therapy, have helped me progress to the point of wanting to get out more. I look forward to trying new strategies. Thank you
This video really resonates. I have definitely been guilty of using work to kind of 'numb out,' and this is an important reminder.
Thank you! This has been one of my biggest frustrations and I've never seen anyone talk or write about it. Its so easy to get down on myself when I struggle with something that I genuinely want to do. It makes those "You're just lazy" messages go off in my head. Work can be much easier because it usually has set expectations and processes. When things are wide open and I can do what I want, I struggle much more. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone with that frustration!
Same !
6:04 Exactly! It's just as hard to be in time for meeting friends as it is to be in time for work.
Yeah the message I got growing up was "you can't go play until your homework and chores are done." Hence why my social circle was small. Turn down invitations often enough, they tend to stop coming. 😢
Awwwwwww, yeah, been there too 🫂
Then I started to be the opposite where I would ask to stay in for recess so I could get my homework done and play when I got home, they never allowed me to do that
How do you always release the very videos that I absolutely need when I absolutely need them? 😁🥰
Maaaaagic. :) Glad it's coming at a good time
I was honestly just crying about struggling with this and this video was posted
@@HowtoADHD, 😊 I knew there was magic behind it somehow! 🤪
@@thetalker221me to 😅
@@thetalker221⋆hugs⋆
I'm 65 and just had the epiphany that I have ADHD! I have all the aspects! Unfinished projects, neglected house, I thought I was broken and just a mess. I hyperfocus on things or cleaning one item in a room till it shines, but the rest of the room isn't. I seem super-unmotivated, but I think I overwhelm myself by trying to motivate myself in too many directions.
I'm 30 and diagnosed last year, I think this last month figured right dose for my med. I send you love, I've been struggling and worst is when tried to explain to friends and family with intent so they understand they distanced themselves, like they had a belief in my potential and no more since now they are expert on my shortfalls, so kinda lost those relationships too. But I tell myself everyday that I am not a mistake of evolution, I am meant to be here and I will keep going alone if that's what it comes to, and help make life beautiful & meaningful! ❤
Same. It’s not just you ❤
I think the circle of friends thing is one of the more difficult thing as someone with ADHD, I can go super productive and intensely focus on work related things, but doing that to a person in order to be friends can be a lot to put on a person
I'm currently unemployed and full time house husbanding. My wife (also undiagnosed) makes enough in her business that she is able to support the house and has encouraged me to take this time to rest and "do what I've always wanted to do".
Which has been surprisingly difficult and indeed does take a lot of executive function to not only do things enjoyable, but also combat the constant guilt placed on us all by society. I'm cooking, cleaning, taking care of the dogs, I'm doing small repairs, etc. But I'm not "functional member of society"-ing.
Executive function coping mechanisms and strategies for work are often completely under-utilized in "non-work" stuff and making that switch isn't the easiest thing.
I've started a youtube project that has been so fun to work on and plan, but again I've hit that wall of execution and pressing record on the script I have.
Thanks for putting out this video. It's great also seeing that we're not alone (wife and I) with the things we deal with, and also to see others that have similar support structures and love languages.
I actually just talked to my therapist about this last night. I take my meds during the work week, and those days are great!but the weekends are tough and I feel bad for my family because of it. She asked me what I can do for myself to help me feel better, and then told me to talk with my wife to help me schedule time for those activities on the weekend.
Those extra-curricular activities matter so much! Thank you as always for the video
They do as the help restore your energy so that you can function at your best when others need you
Thank you. Thank you for being you and doing what you do.
Awwwwww you're welcome! And thank you so so much for taking the time to support us and to share such kind words and encouragements! It means a lot 🧡
I have way more executive dysfunction struggles being a mom than I ever did working a job. I feel like that's another thing you don't hear enough people talking about.
yesssssss
This is exactly how I feel. I've masked ADHD so well my whole life (even to myself!) that I'm literally a CTO now, and I haven't really done anything to focus on stuff that really matters to me. I'm really looking forward to this series! This was a great start.
The calendar notification in the background at 2:27 made me check my notifications, before I realised that it's not for a calendar I'm using at the moment!
Still being jumpy about calendar notifications for reasons I can't identify is quite frustrating...
Great video though, thank you as always!
As a stay at home mom, this is great to see. I don't have work or school but still have important responsibilities and there isn't a defined line between my "work" and my "home" time. Yet I still need to put energy into doing things for me.
Something I'm doing now is getting up an hour before my baby. I take that time to do morning self care and getting ready for the day. Having a warm cup of tea while I pray and study my Bible has had huge benefits in the past few weeks!
awwwwwwww I love that! Yeah even just an hour to do what is meaningful to you
So true, incentives to prioritize a thing do indeed often lack for leisure time, and yes, planning the play time is hard! So important you are talking about this, Jessica.
Probably need to schedule in set leisure time on calendar like you do with drs appointments then keep it to ensure follow through
What you're saying is so relatable. I honestly thought, it was only me feeling this way, struggling doing "unproductive things". Somehow or for some reason, unproductive stuff feels "wrong" to be doing. And as you say, it doesn't really feel like that reward you get when you done with your homework/chores/whatever-you-call-it. I will NEVER be really be DONE doing dishes or laundry or cleaning (or other chore-stuff because I can always do more) - and then "the award" becomes this unreachable thing that just makes me feel less.
I wasn't diagnosed until I was 20 because I did very well in school, tested very well, skipped several grades, etc. But my god... I struggled so much to do anything for myself outside of school. Showering, cleaning my room, sleeping, eating. I was underweight because I found eating boring. I never learned to drive a car. My skills were so unbalanced, and people made jokes about it but they didnt think it could be ADHD, because people with ADHD struggle in school. I just struggled with everything else. I was clearly hyperactive, impulsive, losing things constantly, everything. The people who noticed and finally pointed it out to me were other people with ADHD. After the third time someone assumed I knew I had it, I started doing research and scored "full bingo" on the diagnostic screener. And found your channel! Getting meds and treatment definitely made me realize that things were NOT supposed to be that hard. So thank you for addressing the fact that we still have ADHD outside work and school. It means a lot to me.
It takes an ND to spot another ND we seem to have an inbuilt radar for it
I've been "trying" to start a youtube channel for about 5 years and have GAD and ADHD combined type (diagnosed 6 years ago). I have just recently come to a point where I am comfortable with the maintenance of my disorders and keeping up with work. I have set a goal to start the channel by the end of this year and your video has come at the exact right time for me! THANK YOU! Can't wait to see what comes next.
Great content.
I feel that the content of your channel is maturing. Not that it was ever immature or unrelatable, but as time has gone by, the honesty and authenticity has come to the fore as you are honest about the struggles, and this makes the content more relatable.
THIS! This is something I really, REALLY need. There's not many people at all who cover this because everyone always talks about work.
This is actually really good advice for not only executive functioning but also parenting goals in general. Encourage the fun and boundaries on work just as much as the other way around
It’s especially important when you retire. I only discovered my ADHD when I retired, because my work environment was stimulating and I’d intuited my own supports. It’s been so much more harder at home and it’s been demotivating because I always thought I just didn’t have time and if I just didn’t have to worry about work, I’d get so much done in my hobbies. Now that I’ve started nonstimulant medication and joined a Maker Space, it’s getting better. I guess in the past, I was relying on hyperfocus to power through the important stuff and using lack of time as an excuse for lack of focus/poor executive function.
What’s Maker Space?
@@TheEvie202 a collective workshop with access to tools and fellowship with other makers. You pay monthly dues for membership. The folks who run the one I joined use the analogy that’s it’s like a gym membership. A well-equipped maker space will enable you to pursue most hobbies without investing in gear and materials. Perfect for ADHDers who flit from hobby to hobby.
I’m 63 years old, and I’m finally learning that there is no such thing as the work being done. If you don’t take time away and take care of the things that bring you joy and rejuvenate your soul, you end up tired and burned out, sick and depressed. Then you find no satisfaction or joy in your work, which drags you further down. So yes, it’s vital to do those things outside of work that lift you up. Now I need to take my own advice…
Thank you for home edition (In true adh- fashion I wrote this comment as soon as I started to see the clip). For my school and my job (teacher) as inbuilt help/time pressure for me doing the things (like the class starts at certain a hour and I need have the exercises ready for that class). But I have always have struggled and I am still struggling (at 45 years old) get everyday task at home done. (before I became teacher I had problem with jobs that didn´t have the inbuild deadline time pressure and importance in built in them to do and keep those jobs). So now in the end of the video as I see it didn´t was the video I thougt it was. But I still liked it and gained a new perspective.
I am doing this right now! For me its finding ways to spend quality time with my kids by practicing a hobby with them consistently every week. They need me im doing everything i can to help them. That is my focus right now. Thank you!!
I really needed this. A lot of my friends and family don't even know or understand the struggles that I am going through dealing with ADHD.
I really enjoy this channel, alot!
Thanks to Jessica I actually got my diagnosis of combined ADHD at age 42
It is incredibly hard to unwire the biases of our psyches. Don’t see it as a task. See it as an exploration of the self. Discover. You like to discover. Discover more who you are and want to be. It is a fun activity ngl. Adhd (and your channel) was just the beginning for me.
You and only you can find out who you want to be. Accept other people’s opinion. Don’t resent them, but reject them gracefully. If worth anything, mental health is worth more above any form of success or prestige and is worth fighting for.
When everything is so hard, those easier things become a bit addictive. It's enjoyable to soak in that success, like a warm jacuzzi. To feel competent, successful, on top. It's seductive. Sure, growth happens in the uncomfortable margins, but you've spent so much time uncomfortable already, no, not uncomfortable, suffering! Don't you deserve this? The temptation is great, but just like the jacuzzi, you must get out before you cause yourself harm.
Anyway, I know you are in no such danger. You've got this. You are an inspiration.
Gosh these videos have helped me so much recently as I’ve come across them. I haven’t been able to put any of the “tools” into effect yet, but watching your videos just makes me feel so understood. Being in grad school without having any tools for managing my ADHD has just made me feel so so isolated and paralyzed. It’s a breath of fresh air to finally know someone else feels the same things I do!
Hi, I'm pretty new to the whole "I have ADHD" thing (less than a week). I started on this journey when my kid was diagnosed, while I was doing some research I really related to the material. So I made some appointments, and here I am.
I had a lot (no really, a lot) of difficulty with social interactions when I was younger (and some when I wasn't so young), but I used to equate that with my hearing impairment. I am starting to realize that it wasn't the only thing creating challenges. I'm looking forward to more videos about using strategies on personal goals.
Keep up the great work!
It is *so* much easier to have to find motivation for things you have to do to survive, but most DEFINITELY everything else matters too. Thank you so much for sharing, it is always nice to know that other people deal with the same things as me!
Wow, that was wholesome. Somehow I feel a little lighter now knowing that it's ok not only wanting to perform at work. This has something to do with selfcare. There's a similar effect in negligence of hygiene whilst staying at home (nobody else sees it). I call this phenomenon: "being a bad chief to myself". Even though it would be more comfortable being clean, smelling nice, etc. It almost feels like an inner voice telling me I'm not worth it, I would only have to be clean when meeting other people. I only realised this after my therapist told me that it's okay to give myself a spa day just for the sake of feeling good/happy and confident/pretty even while being "just on my own". You ARE worth it.
Seriously, what would I do without you!! I have just graduated high school but my ADHD was recognised approx. one year before my finals. Without you, I would have never considered that I might have ADHD, and when I felt alone and unsupported, your videos would always make me feel better. With the help of my medication, I have been accepted into my dream uni and I have become more self-aware. I really admire how you are constantly growing as person, and by sharing that growth on TH-cam, you have encouraged me to grow as well. :) Thank you!
Oh my goodness! This!!
💯! I have/had some issues dealing with narcissists in addition to everything. I am SO blessed to have a Cousin & an Aunt that gets this & and encourages me! I have buried myself in work in the past. I have even wound up in the hospital from doing this.. (pushing too hard - exhaustion). The old saying applies here - you have to apply your own oxygen mask before helping others. Unfortunately, I have had others guilt me over stuff & soon you do it to yourself, but that having fun social/hobby/whatever you like to do is the thing that makes you be able to DO & keep doing the responsible/caring/grownup things for others.
Thank you so much for this … I struggle CONSTANTLY to take my meds for “fun stuff” because it’s not productive or work but you’re so right … we deserve to have fun too, that’s important!
I dont know why but what you were speaking about prompted me to pause this video on two occassions to reply to friends messages who had reached out to me and who i hadn't thought to reply to earlier. While the thought of that friend was there, I'm practicing reaching out in that moment (if i can) otherwise it might be weeks or months until i do. So thank you!!
Best of luck with your new adventure, forever learning 😊
I can so relate to this! Hiding myself in work or uni stuff feels "safe" because "I don't run the risk of wasting my time". When it comes to my hobbies or even wellness, I have this huge wall of guilt I have to overcome. I see the same thing in my mom as well, so I sent her this. This will help us both
Man, this is so real! I’m such a big hobby girlie and artist, and I still struggle so much to finish a craft or project, even if I really like doing them.
One of my hot tips: keep a stack of sticky notes or a little notebook when you’re playing video games or doing a hobby, and I think of it as ‘my brain’. If I’m playing stardew valley? Then I might write down what task I’m working on. What quest line it is and for who. What kind of fish I’m trying to find. What materials I need to collect and how many.
I literally just keep a running tally of ‘what thoughts I’m supposed to be holding in my mind RIGHT NOW’ and crossing them off as I go, because you know what? My brain doesn’t work like that. I like to joke ‘I’ve got about as much RAM as a game boy color’. I just can’t hold onto 2 thoughts at the same time for more than a few minutes. And that’s okay!
Even video games can get really complicated and demanding on your executive function. That’s not a ‘you problem’; leisure time should be fun. Video games should be fun. This is YOUR time. So make the bad parts better with wild abandon! Cheat! Use shortcuts! Use products that save you time and effort! You deserve your fun time to be fun.
I do this with games, too! I have a little notebook labeled "BotW Notes" (and when I finish that and get TotK - please no spoilers~, it'll be labeled "TotK Notes") and for an MMORPG I'm a part of, I had a Trello Board for awhile, as it was significantly more complex.
Our working memory might be rubbish but if we can process the information learn it and store it our long term memories are amazing. We become champions in general knowledge trivia. We are also extremely creative with out of the box solutions to problems and incredible skills in music, theatre, drama, science, engineering, technology and visual arts
So many videos you made are strangely timed for a situation I find myself in at that time.
I am truly grateful for that 💖
That’s a nice thing to say!
I take my meds for vacations with family, packing and traveling, personal projects… Or at least, I prefer to. With the med shortage, it’s harder to decide whether to take it on the weekend.
One of the non-work things I’m currently trying to get better at: participating in social activities. I’m introverted, so it’s been extra easy to avoid prioritizing my social life. But I’m trying to do more. That means I need to pay attention to how I can make social situations more accessible for me. I already bring fidget toys for during conversation. I’m practicing coming late and/or leaving early-often difficult, because leaving early requires me to switch tasks/modes. I’ve ordered a pair of Loops earplugs to hopefully help with the sensory aspect. I should also try to take initiative and suggest activities that I will actually enjoy, but that’s difficult. I’ll get there.
It’s a struggle to balance multiple goals at a time, though, especially as a freelancer: work goals, social goals, personal project goals… bah.
I absolutely love this. When I was dealing with visitation issues with my sons father, the judge asked if I had my son take breaks from his meds on weekends or the summer. I said no, thinking it was obvious why I wouldn't. I had to explain, he doesn't only have ADHD and aspergers when he's doing schoolwork; he always has it. It doesn't change when he's outside or when he's working on something different... it's always there. You explained it much more eloquently.
This video really hits close to home. I started following you to help my son who has ADHD, then realized oh...I have ADHD. Thank you for what you do I've learned so much about myself. Now go have some fun!
I've just started on meds and went to a festival on them last week. Was amazed at how much easier it was to concentrate on the bands and not be constantly wanting to wander off or look at other things. Definitely going to keep using them outside of work hours!
I'm so excited for the videos you'll make on this topic! This actually just came up for me. I haven't been able to get my meds for months and I've been barely functional, at work, at home, everywhere. I finally got meds again and was telling my partner I wouldn't take them on weekends so I could have a buffer in case the pharmacy is out again next month and he said "You know, you deserve to be able to focus on the things you want to do, too, not just work." And that sort of blew my mind. So incredible that your video today was about the same basic idea! Can't wait to work on this with you!
It's really encouraging to hear you're going to be doing more content on getting more skilled at enjoying life outside work/chores (3:30). I've only known what to call the difficulties I have for a few months, and even though I know there's more help and information out there than ever (including your channel), it's been hard to find encouragement to apply these skills/tools outside work too. Thank you!
Ah THIS is so important!! Thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling my whole life. Our culture, esp in the US, prioritizes productivity for capitalism over all else, and I too struggle with "justifying" my hobbies and finding time to just play. But this is the stuff of a happy and fulfilled life! I am recently diagnosed at 30 and it ALL makes so much sense. A helpful book for me is called Rest is Resistance. Whatever our forms of rest and play look like, they matter.
I think a lot of western nations follow the same pattern I think we could learn a lot from the ancient traditions of buddhism and Daoism keeping a healthy balance
I am ecstatic for these videos!!!! I have been feeling lost because I don’t feel like a whole person when just focusing on work. Thank you!!
This is great commentary on society in general. It’s so work centric that it often feels like our worth is almost exclusively tied to work. I find it especially frustrating for myself because I have so many other skills that aren’t work related and want to develop; but work ties up so much of our lives that it’s almost impossible to have time for anything aside of standard life responsibilities outside of work. Society is long overdue for a change.
My problem has been that I don't spend enough time and focus on work/job search stuff, and I feel like I'm avoiding the work stuff that really should be focused on when I focus on fun or "unimportant" things.
Striking that balance between the two feels really difficult because finding a job is important, but I don't want to let go of the fun stuff in the process.
I too enjoy pod-racing!
Once the femme partner becomes a parent and fills a motherly role, you get a bunch of "fill your own cup first!" advice that is just as frustrating as the executive function at work suggestion to "just do the thing."
I've gone to EAP therapy and my experience has been that therapists have told me to "take some time for yourself, read a book" etc and it's such a waste of my time. I know WHAT to do; I don't know how to get from point A to point B with that knowledge. 🤦♀️
The most helpful thing for me in those times of struggle was coming here and watching a video where you/Jessica said that sometimes it's being out of balance with one's own values. THAT was what I needed to hear, not defining all the things I like to do that I don't seem to find time to do.
Exactly we know what to do we just don’t know how to go about it. It’s like an orchestra without a conductor to guide them
How do you literally always say exactly what I need to hear!? The idea of work becoming the "thing that the struggle has now been overcome" is so real....I pour myself into my work because it's different, challenging, and rewarding every single day, but things without a tangible success factor are very hard for me. I thought for a while that I was getting better at work/life balance because I bought a new horse (lifelong rider but was without my own mount for 12 years) and now ride several times a week, and because I took up woodworking as a creative hobby and absolutely love spending time working on projects....but listening to you in this video, I'm realizing that even those are activities with hard and fast end points (I couldn't do this maneuver on my horse before, and now from working on it for months I now can ; I started with a pile of wood and screws, and now I have this tangible thing I built), AND they're extremely difficult/complex/challenging activities. But yet, I'm not taking the time for things like floating around the pool, playing video games, or going on a walk with my kid, or going on dates with my husband. Those things are also very important to me, but without that pressure from society or that clear "end point" to work toward, you're so right that it's difficult to initiate them regularly.
This is why we love Jessica and @HowToADHD :)
I really appreciate you talking about this. I struggle so much to do anything for myself that I've stopped being creative and it's taking a real toll on my mental health to the point where my current goal in therapy is to ease myself back into being able to partake in and enjoy my hobbies again. I've been stuck in the "don't do this, do work instead, it's more important" mindset for years and am extremely prone to overwhelm and burnout as a result. I look forward to the other videos you'll be making on this!
About the meds - my boyfriend has asthma and takes medication for it. I told him when I started taking my ADHD medication, that I don't really need them at home, just at work. He then told me ''oh, okay, I will also stop taking my ashtma medication at home, I'm sure it'll be fine, I don't need them.''. And then I panicked and said ''wait, no, you can't do that, you need medication otherwise your ashtma... Oh... Right.... I see what you're saying, haha. Okay, I'll take my medication when I'm at home too.'' He then rolled his eyes haha.
I am so grateful to you for putting yourself out there for all of us! You have helped me immensely over the years! Would you consider doing a video about the connection between disordered eating/over and under-weight with ADHD. Women with ADHD are 4x more likely to develop problems in this area and poor executive function is the culprit with little to no ADHD-friendly coping skills.
I’m a stay at home mom and honestly it makes more sense for me to use medication when my husband is home, family visiting or social outings, when I need to ‘adult’. During the ‘work’ week, i just have fun with my kid and embrace the chaos!
These videos are helping so much. I’m 26 and I just got diagnosed with ADHD. It’s been such a relief but at the same time now I’m just like “well what do I do now?” And I feel like I’m having to learn myself all over again and pay attention to what I actually struggle with personally so I know where I need to adapt strategies the most to help me. I spent so many years masking subconsciously that I was disconnected from myself and my environment for so long. But you seriously have been such a helpful light for me along with my amazing therapist who also has ADHD. I know you hear this a lot but thank you so much and I’m dedicated to figuring all this out and what works for me.
It’s a new beginning we love new novel experiences they give us massive dopamine hits so like the song in The King and I Getting to Know You it should be an exciting journey of self discovery
Something that really made this hit home for me is when I started having grandkids. I wanted the time we spent together to be fun and memorable, and for that to happen, I really need to plan and focus on the time we spend together.
Another thing we adult ADHDers might want to do during the summer: When our kids are home we want to give them the opportunities, experiences, and the stable day-to-day life that is best for everyone. Rather than getting so overwhelmed that we drown in the responsibility and then feel guilty for it, too.
It is hard for everyone, but our executive dysfunction makes it harder.
That is also the case for full-time parents. Some doctors think that being a full-time parent is not something that requires enough executive function to warrant prescribing ADHD meds to a diagnosed person. 😑
Male doctors...with a stay at home wifes... who never really notices what she does at home, I assume....
Word.
What the actual f!
That's insane. Being a stay at home mom is way harder than an office job which is structured & time limited. And it's not up to the doctor to decide that.
If they are officially diagnosed they are entitled to the medication which helps them function!
The situation I found myself in over and over and over is, that I only could focus on one aspect at a time and whenever I chose one aspect, every other aspect was completely left behind. So I could only decide to focus on school, but then I wouldn't even be able to eat enough and healthy or clean my place. Social contacts and hobbies were completely out of the picture. When a time came around where I didn't need to focus on school anymore I could switch my focus to finally cleaning and eating better but I would also need about one or two weeks to find my way into that and then I would spent some very intense weeks on one hobby or one social contact just to suddenly leave it completely behind again, when school came back around. I'm trying to fit more than one aspect into my weeks and month now but I feel pretty stressed by that...
Try to fit two per day. Set a time that marks the line between them. That worked for me for a while.
Looking back on university, I had a similar experience. I didn't end up getting involved in any of the clubs or extracurriculars or off campus things because school took up so much of my bandwidth that I didn't even consider doing those things. Also, task switching is definitely hard. I have at times been more intentional about hobbies and trying to make sure one thing doesn't take up too much of my time, but it's challenging. Seconding the advice of setting a time to mark the time between them-also, having a separate space for fun vs work vs rest has been really important for me, though I'm not the best at doing that now
I'm on vacation now, and honestly. This is a great moment to see this! I've currently only been gaming because it's easy and not really relaxing.
I did notice lately that I find it easier to socialise with my friends when I'm on my meds. Less awkward moments by impulsive thoughts babbling through to my mouth XD
I know exactly how you feel. If I want to do something for myself, I couldn't care less. If people are relying on me, it becomes the most important thing I could do.
Oh this is a "right in the childhood" video for me. I was always told a similar thing of until my homework was done I couldn't play. So I resenting homework and any kind of school work, and basically was unmotivated to even play by the time my homework got done (usually about 20 minutes before bed, because I didn't have time to cool off mentally after school). The one time I was in high school and was encouraged to play a little after school my dad shut that down HARD because he didn't see the value in my mental de-stress time.
This was so needed in my life. As someone who poured into their doctorate and career with an emptiness inside once I accomplished those things. Then struggling to find dedication to hobbies and find more meaning in life. wow, thank you 🙏🏼. I wish I heard this sooner and prioritized these things sooner!
Your videos pop up on my feed at perfect moments. I had the big talk with my better half about some of the struggles I deal with daily with my unmedicated ADHD ... at this moment I am putting off making content for my TH-cam channel. I know I need to put out X amount of videos and shorts per week to hit my goal... I have a blast doing it..... usually. I am a few hundred hours of watch time from my goal.... but I have stuff I need to do here at home and the anxiety and guilt comes through on video at these moments if i do my TH-cam thing instead of laundry , dishes , yardwork etc... so here I sit on the deck .. drinking coffee , watching your video.... not accomplishing a damn thing
wow, I really needed that. I was diagnosed latter in life, and now I am beggining to succed in the academic and work area, but I just feel so alone and disconected from people. Thank you
Wonderful video! I’m excited to hear more of your thoughts as you make the series. I also struggle with my “home” life more than my “work” life. Mostly because I’m extremely motivated by other people’s deadlines, and not really by my own. Also being told to “do what I want” isn’t helpful because I “want” to do so many things! Choosing and prioritizing is so hard! I want to do art, I want a clean space, I want to do something for my mental health, etc etc.
Thank you for the videos you make. At 53 I feel I'm finally starting to understand myself and now feel comfortable reaching out for help. I wish you all the success in the world. You are certainly changing lives.
I needed this. I just graduated from college and I thought once I was done I would feel more relief by the end but now I just feel kind of lost and don’t know what to do with my new found time and when I do try to relax I feel guilty that I’m not being productive or guilty that I’m not utilizing this new freedom. For so long free time has been more about recovering from the stress of work and school and now I’m really having to face how neglected my personal life has been. It is validating to know that others are struggling with personal time and it isn’t always practical to skip medication when you aren’t working.
I will readily admit that I was hoping for some strategies from this video as opposed to simply putting words to a problem that was already quite obvious to me; however, looking at the other comments, it's clear that a myriad of other people did need words put to it, so I'm glad that you did.
Good topic! Though my job is being a carer for my disabled mum, my work and home life are kind of mashed together.
I tried doing the "meds break" thing over a couple of weekends, but I was so tired and zoned out with the post-meds fatigue/rebound that I couldn't enjoy myself, so I just take them at weekends as well. 😂
Thank you so much for this! I'm new enough to this that I am still learning strategies for work and chores and other "necessary" tasks. It's wonderful to be reminded that things that matter to me, that make me happy, are important, too!
Thank you for explaining this frustration I’ve been having! It’s so discouraging to feel like you “mess up” the things that are supposed to be relaxing. I’ll try to have more grace for my ADHD when that happens. 😊
I'm not sure how many of your videos Sunsama has sponsored, but I found them after they sponsored one a couple of months ago. Sunsama... hands down, the best, most useful calendar and task tracker I've seen. It seriously keeps things in front of me that I'd otherwise forget about in the former abyss of notes on my desk. Thank you both.
Crying in the club right now. I feel so seen!! Thank you for the work you do for us brains. It means more than you will ever know.
I've actually been thinking about this a lot lately. I haven't started meds yet, but I've been thinking it might be better to try it out on my days off than on workdays, partly because I think the difference will be more noticeable when I'm trying to get things done at home and partly because I've really noticed lately how hard I find it to relax and do something fun or fulfilling.
As a 31 year old that just got diagnosed about 2 years ago this is what I have struggled with for over a year now.
I knew I had adhd since my teen years but didn't get diagnosed and medicated till i was 29. It was fantastic at first to be able to focus on work and be productive around the house and get things settled in an adult way...but now I have such a negative self talk about doing anything not productive. I can't relax anymore and I always have to be working in order to feel like I am getting better. Your recent videos are exactly what I have been searching for guidance on so I am so excited about exploring these struggles with you.
Your older videos got me through my early days of diagnosis and I am so glad your new ones will be here to help me through this next struggle as well.
Please continue with videos on this topic. Extremely informative and very useful. Thank you!
This is magnified so manyfold when you're stuck in a job you honestly don't care about. I feel...weird, spending so much time and energy and medication and money maximizing my productivity at my job when I REALLY DON'T CARE. And then I'm told I need to give my brain a break when I'm off work, and I just...fail at everything else--but I can't take my meds during the weekend because I'll build a tolerance. So I'm maximizing my life to...do menial data entry work? Why? I don't receive gratification from my work, I don't feel like I'm improving society or helping people, but the "right thing to do" is to increase my output.
Felt like I really needed this video right now. I feel so lost and like I'm doing nothing with my life, except for working. it's the 50/50 split on "it's fine because you work" and "you need to do more things you want".
Hard to actually even think about what I want, and even when I can, taking those first steps is so hard because I've never done it before. Never gone out, made friends, socialized, joined a group, whatever it is. Maybe one day.
Biggest barrier for me is thinking I don't deserve to enjoy anything if I'm struggling at work (formerly school). So I pour everything into work, and guess what? In general, work doesn't care about you back
You just took everything I’ve been feeling and put it into words thank you!
Oh my goodness i am so excited to see these future videos you want to make! There are so many things in my life that I want to get better at, and that really matter to me. This video really hits deep! Our hobbies are equally important as our job/work, and recognizing this REALLY opened my mind in my own life!!!!
Self diagnosis?.. Would be worth getting a psychiatrist to diagnose you.