How To End Criticism In Your Marriage | Dr. John Gottman's 4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 27 มิ.ย. 2024
- The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse are some of the key things Dr. Gottman looks for when he’s trying to predict divorce.
No relationship is immune to the Four Horsemen. So, if I talk about one and you’re like, “Hey… that’s me… I do that.” there’s no reason to freak out.
The first of the Four Horsemen is Criticism.
Have you ever experienced something like this...
You're having a great time with your partner. You’re laughing and getting along. You’re feeling good… and then, out of the blue, you feel criticized.
When something like this happens, do you shut down?
Do you get angry?
Do you immediately turn off and change your behavior?
Do you get defensive?
Criticism is a super sneaky relationship killer.
Often it starts off with good intentions.
“I’m just going to let my partner know how they could improve so our relationship can be better!”
We expect our partner to show up to a conversation with a notepad and say, “Wow, thanks for letting me know I’m defective in all these ways! I’m going to go work on this. Maybe next week we can get together and you can tell me more things about me that make you miserable?”
Criticism kills your partner’s most attractive qualities. It shuts down their ability to feel confident, passionate, authentic, and emotionally available.
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#FourHorsemen #Criticism #JohnGottman #DrGottman
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My partner's criticism is constant. The stuff he comes at me with is astoundingly imaginative and left field. Or Its stuff he's done and forgotten about. Its constant, its exhausting and I'm done. I said to him today after another tantrum. "You really don't like me at all do you" I've told him I'm moving out, I've started looking for somewhere by my self. I'm tired of trying.
My trouble is that my spouse feels criticized by any little thing. I usually don't say anything, but if it's something chronic, sometimes I will. "Honey, this is supposed to be handwashed, it's not dishwasher safe." And suddenly he's feeling like he can't do anything right. I don't say a thing when he's taking a really roundabout long way in the car to get somewhere. Sometimes he asks me if he's doing a good job at something, and if I say anything other than yes (like it I say he's pretty good but could use a little improvement), he's right into that place of feeling like a failure. I'm not going to outright lie to him, but I will skirt things or just not mention them because he will guaranteed take it way too personally. Instead, I either live with it (like his choice of route), or I do it myself (like I wash the hand dishes immediately instead of leaving them on the counter to end up being put in the dishwasher - but that only works for dishes I use, so one day I'll be replacing the dish after it's been dishwashed too many times).
This doesn't seem like the optimal way to operate in a marriage, but the alternative is him ending up in a bad place emotionally. (He has past history with harsh criticism, so I know it's a trigger thing for him.)
I've got a few videos coming out next week that I think will be helpful for your situation. Keep an eye out for anything with Jennifer Finlayson-Fife on my channel.
@@TheGrowthMarriage It's so funny, I basically gave a preview here for your next video. Anyone out there know what I'm talking about above? Then check out the second video in this series.
Nate is absolutely fantastic. He speaks with such depth. Best marriage podcast I have ever heard. Thank you Nate
Great advice 👍. I have read all of Gotmans books and they have given me a lot of positive knowledge for the future. Great job👍
Great videos
Nate, these perspectives are such wise counsel. Thank you!
So glad you're finding them helpful!
Just found your channel today and the videos are very helpful. Best videos I found on defensiveness & criticism. Even better explanations than I’ve heard from the Gottmans at times. Subscribed!
Wow, thanks! That means a lot.
But what if there's constant Complaining and Criticism?
love how detailed your videos are!! very great insights!
Thanks so much!
Great vid! Love the additional depth for how to handle criticism from your partner. I'm subbed for more! 😁👍
Thanks for the sub, Christian!
Thank you for these videos. They are very educational as well as gentle to the audience and the partner of the audience.
What a great compliment. Thank you.
Very valuable advice 🙏
You have excellent taste if I do say so myself. 😉
@@TheGrowthMarriage I agree! Haha
Criticism can be accompanied by you are or you aren’t, too.
What if they give you like 5+ complaints at once?
Hmm..this seemed to explain contempt more than just criticism.
Did you mean to say those really disrespectful words that hurts my feelings? Will you please try to say that again in a more kind way and in a way that expresses the specific issue you're upset about?