Stop Being So Defensive! | Dr. John Gottman's 4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 22 มิ.ย. 2024
- Are you or your partner super defensive?
Do you have a hard time taking responsibility for the things you say and do (or don't do)?
Defensiveness is the trap my wife and I fall into most often.
Defensiveness is always an attempt to protect yourself from a perceived attack. A defensive response usually implies, “The problem isn’t me… it’s you!”
Defensiveness shows up in two different ways: Cross-complaining, and playing the innocent victim.
Here’s an example things of how things unfold when criticism and the cross-complaining form of defensiveness are in the picture:
“Would you clean up your dirty laundry, you always leave such a mess!” (Criticism)
“Oh yeah? Well what about all your dishes down in the sink, and our filthy car that you always leave your junk in?” (Defensiveness)
“Don’t even get me started on junk. I can barely even walk through the garage without tripping over one of your tools.” (Even more defensiveness…)
See how that works?
Let me rephrase that. See how that doesn’t work?
I hope this video helps give you a game plan to defeat defensiveness in your marriage.
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#Defensiveness #FourHorsemen #JohnGottman
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Is it possible for someone to be defensive even if their partner isn't being critical?
Yes. It usually involves strong narcissistic traits in the person being defensive. People with strong narcissistic traits are very deeply damaged by any sense of being imperfect, and cannot handle constructive feedback of any kind, no matter how positively delivered.
@@kathenderson7019 or they could have a strong sense of shame. People who feel shame deeply can be very defensive. It isn’t necessarily narcissism
@@Elemenohpea440 That is true. It can be hard to tell the difference from the outside, though. The behavior looks and feels the same to the non-defensive partner, and it's still just as damaging to all parties involved.
This is good, but it still doesn’t answer an important question. How can we handle unfair expectations and unfair criticism without becoming defensive, especially if the other person isn’t open to revising their expectations?
Here are a few examples:
1) I knew a couple who decided to have a weekly food budget of $40 for both people. Mostly, the husband insisted that would be the budget, and the wife gave in. She met the budget for a few months, and then one week she really wanted to try to eat healthy and bought cucumbers and that brought them to $42. He came unglued. I know about this situation because I ultimately was invited in to referee. I actually figured out that during that week he had gone out to dinner with his coworkers twice and just paid the bill. He was proud because both times he only spent $5 each time. However, that was not part of the budget, and he acted like because he was the man he was entitled to overspend the money without asking and without criticism. At the time, the wife only worked part-time, but she brought in way more than their weekly food budget to their joint finances. Ultimately, the husband listened to me when I pointed out that $40 for two weeks for two people for 3 meals a day was less than $1 per person per meal and I also asked an independent person he respected as being a cheapskate if they would be able to consistently feed two adults on $40 per week and she said no. But the point is it took ME pointing it out. He wouldn’t even listen to his wife when she tried to say the food budget needed to be revised, etc. In this situation, the wife can initially take responsibility for agreeing to a $40 weekly budget and then spending $42 without asking permission first. But how does she avoid becoming defensive in the discussion of saying going forward the food budget needs to increase because it is not reasonable? How does she respond when he husband starts accusing her of being lazy and wanting to live a lavish lifestyle and of not being efficient in cooking without either criticizing his hypocrisy or being defensive against his completely unfair and ignorant expectations? (Yes, they are now divorced, and he spends a heck of a lot more in alimony than he ever spent on the marriage).
2) I knew a man who suffered from narcolepsy. It took awhile, but he finally found a job that wouldn’t be affected if he accidentally fell asleep in the middle of working from time to time. His employer knew about his narcolepsy and hired him anyway. However, a middle manager who also knew about his narcolepsy would find him asleep at his desk and would regularly chew him out, and ultimately fired him for being unprofessional and falling asleep at work. This employee can take a certain amount of responsibility and apologize that his disability causes her frustration and looks unprofessional. He can even try to talk to her about ways to solve the problem that are doable. But the only solution she would accept was, “Don’t ever fall asleep at work again.” When he was hired, it was specifically with the understanding that he had a medical condition that he couldn’t control that occasionally caused him to fall asleep. He never agreed to stay awake at all times at work. How can he call out the manager’s unreasonable, unfair expectations while not becoming defensiveness and not criticizing? Theoretically, he could promise to try to never fall asleep at work again, but since it is a medical condition that he literally can’t control that is basically setting himself up for failure again because the expectation is unreasonable and, for him, unmeetable. (Yes, he probably could have sued, but like so many people I have known over the years he chose not to).
One of the most helpful and clear vids I've seen on defensiveness. Well don and thanks! 🙂
Thanks! So glad you enjoyed it.
My husband is has been very critical of my character and the way I do things around the house. It's been 20 years of him being critical and me being defensive...then comes illness after trauma for me, and he goes and has multiple affairs.
We are working on our cominucation. And we both need individual counseling and couples counseling for infadelity.
As of course I agree on not saying stuff aggressively etc., talk about the tone of voice is deflection. Saying such things is putting the defensive person a weapon in their hand - right to agree that it was the tone of voice that that is the issue, after not owning their faults.
When you make a mistake, own it that the other person might get angry. Own it that it's not comfortable. Own it that it's not cool to feel like you hurt someone you love.
Own it that you feel shame for you incompetence. Own it that you can fix it not by blowing up the fight over your partner's tone of voice, but being accountable. And own it that your own intepretation of their behavior might not be in the courtesy of them, because you were in a defensive mode!!! So if your partner is really busy, and you put even more load on them, and they're under great stress, they DON'T have the capability to mother you and take the responsibility for your emotions and reactions to them.
It's not the other person's responsibility to make or not make anyone defensive. Defensiveness is immaturity and of course, partner can make it easier or more difficult to work for you, but they don't CAUSE it. If you are the defensive one, it's even more work for you to communicate clearly "sorry I'm getting defensive because I read your tone as aggressive, did you mean it?" instead of yelling at them, and assuming it was all about them. Don't be a tone police, when you exploit people's patience.
Besides, you can also say "I'm working on my defensive reactions, and I'd appreciate if you told me [example] next time". So. The rules apply to everyone.
I had a highly defensive partner (like, any tiny disagreement she'd go "and youuuuuuuuu?!?!?!") and she was always using the tone argument as a deflection. Even when I was under time pressure to do something and she asked me to help her with something else and I told her to hurry (typical "hurry!" tone, what would you expect), she would go for me and tell me a whole story about how *I* would react if she told me to hurry... But she wasn't that bad as me so she never did, so how did she know how I would react to that? And how she behaved really, because I still don't know... Just shielded up the deflection. So If I behaved as 'good' as her, meaning, also deflect, then I'd say a story about how she'd react if I told her to hurry, but she would tell me how I'd behave when she told me to hurry... and we'd be talking until death do us part LOL
Another great video 🙌. I love the fire alarm analogy 😊
You are so helpful! Thank you for your work!
Thanks! I'll try to keep it up!
Your video was so clear and concise! Thank you, very helpful! 🙏🏽
What if the accusations are really unreasonable
Great content. 👍🏻
Thanks!
What do you do when your partner is defensive without criticism and it doesn’t matter what topic. And you have asked your partner in a calm moment about what you can do to help communicate better so he doesn’t feel like he needs to become defensive and his response is “I don’t know.”? I have tried the “I feel” statements to try and reduce arguments and reduce the chance of defensive behaviors and I’ve tried to explain the “I feel” statements to my husband. What he does is something like this “I feel like you are {xyz thing}.” What do I do?
My significant other has been using videos like this to come up with new ways to abuse. She has been gaslighting me making me doubt myself by accusing me of being overly defensive to the point where I am afraid to speak up for myself. She just can say whatever she wants to me and if I say anything I'm being defensive.
Unfortunately, I see a version of this quite often. The person who deems themselves to be "more invested" in the relationship puts themselves in a one-up position. They take the moral high ground, and force their partner (you, in this case) to be the villain, the troublemaker, and the cause of all their woes.
Being in that one-up position is dangerous because it feels good. You feel a sense of righteousness in your anger. But you miss the fact that when you take that moral high ground, you give your partner no way to win.
It's super destructive. Maybe I'll do a video on this soon.
@@TheGrowthMarriage yes please do
My partner is exactly like this and I have no idea how to overcome it. :( Anytime I challenge her and bring up a valid argument, all of a sudden I'm being defensive. She fails to even consider and digest what it is I'm explaining, she just wants me to be wrong. I've seen videos and therapists speak on just validating that persons feelings, but then they're always able to claim victimhood when something doesn't go their way. It's like mental gymnastics.
The point is to talk about your own feelings and needs (and not "feelings" like "I'm feeling disrespected", real feelings that aren't accusations).
If she sticks to talking about herself, she's free to suggest if you'd like to dig into defensiveness problem and talk through. But it's always up to you because it's your own work. She can decide if this level of "defensiveness" of yours is acceptable or not. She can't fix people.
Unfortunately, therapy talk is real and people like to use words they don't understand. If their intent is blaming, they are deflecting. If their intent is saying how they feel, still being open and vulnerable what gives you the opportunity to find common ground, and seeking for solutions - you'll know. If you feel like shit after the argument, not because you lost it, but you feel like you lost the relationship because you're so hurt and not heard by the other person that you're considering leaving, then it's probably her fault. Although I know some people that truly believe that "the other person shutting up so they can say hurtful shit without being confronted" is their need. Or can even twist NVC needs to talk what the other person should or shouldn't do. Like, they are forever in need of "peace" - because they totally don't care about the other person's feelings and needs, therefore don't want to hear them out.
It's such a hard topic. I'm also watching many videos and my brain just processes the information if that's said in the right way and if it's good for education - and how it could be misinterpreted and weaponized. The information can be identical, the perspective? Vastly different.
Being with a defensive person is like playing squash. Whatever you do - they've already decided they will take no responsibility, and that the conflict is your fault. The talk is usually because they hadn't take it in another area of life, so that's quite consistent. That's why it's so frustrating. They're like emotional shurikens coming your way whenever their concept of being a good person is threatened. That's a great internalized shame they can't face. Of their incompetence, emotional immaturity, mistake, negligence, whatever is brought up. Just can't own their choices and feelings and they aren't going to.
The issue is always that you raised the problem, not the issue itself. It starts with THEIR feeling bad - for example because they were confronted, or figured out themselves they fkd up. The problem that they hurt you is irrelevant, because it's always about them. They don't keep their word? No, you kept nagging / have too high standards / expectations / you didn't ask nicely enough / didn't say clear enough / didn't say at all / whatever you. The solution? Not them being decent people, not them apologizing (=acknowledging what they did to you), not working on the change - YOU must stop complaining, nagging, criticizing them. YOU push them into acting like that. Whether it's lack of motivation to take proper care of their own house you both live in, because "never is good enough", or being accountable. Egocentric, ego-protective.
Projection is a ridiculous tool in using defensiveness. It has only pros as you can bring up the issue yourself and not risk that someone else will accuse you first, you can deflect your own fault by blaming the other person, you can accuse them of projection and deflection (!!!) if they clearly see that you're projecting and deflecting, so it makes the point totally irrelevant and your fault of manipulating like that is instantly devalued. The same is when they try to gaslight you, you tell them it's gaslighting, so anything you say next will be denied - and called gaslighting (whether it's true or not).
It takes away the "truth weapon" from the victim. If someone uses it in a relationship, they are just an evil person. It's way more than a coping mechanism. Such a toxic rage that they need to win, gain control, gain power (and by the way, often accusse you too of YOU being controlling - when you draw boundaries or talk about your needs, great opportunities), just squish you under their boot, break you mentally because of the deep shame that they are unable to love and nurture you, or be truly kind. And they know it will never change. And sometimes tell you that directly - that they won't even try. Because the audacity, entitlement, taking for granted, shame-driven grandiose ego. Or play with you a little more, saying that they will. And forget about it 10 min after, because the talk, the "scolding" is over = they won!
If you pretend that you don't see that or you still have hope that they're not inherently abusive, propose non-violent communication, you'll take away their weapon... And they'll try to refuse using it, criticize it, because "they feel like you are acting morally superior", just like @TheGrowthMarriage said... about the person who is the abuser. You can be called that also as a person who simply tries to bring in some education to resolve conflicts.
You can't win by educating because anything you say gets weaponized. Because they don't play by the same rules. There are no rules, just violence.
And you keep searching for the materials, go to therapy, look and hope for a script that can fix it all. And their work? None. Or maybe except for finding out new ways how to exploit your free labor / wealth / connections / body without remorse and with no effort of theirs. Run fast and don't look back!!! It never gets better, only worse. And people who don't work on themselves aren't standing in place. They're deteriorating.
@@Anonytubous thanks for the advice but I found out she had been cheating about a month ago so we've broken up. Funny thing is she was a marriage counselor I guess it's like they say those who can't do teach. She clearly couldn't do a healthy relationship so she "taught others how to have happy relationships".
What do you do when there is no element of truth to what the other person is accusing?
For example, let's say the accusation is, "I'm always the one doing the dishes! You never do them!" But in reality, you do the dishes at least once or twice a day with very rare exceptions. What is the best way to respond in that kind of situation without getting defensive and escalating the situation?
Saying absolutes like “Always” and “Never” should be removed when communicating, rarely are situations where Always and Never are really true when you really think about it.
You didn’t take care of the laundry, ok I take of it….and it start a chain of command that I must do….
Very hard to do- be calm, when you are BLINDSIDED,ATTACKED for something you / me in this case,I did not do!
Thanks for this excellent advice and breaking down into what I can do about it, when I am on either side. I would have needed that in the past..
Hopefully you can also use it in the future. Remember, knowing and doing are not the same thing... and the latter is the more difficult. Try to start implementing this stuff in small ways now to see how it can make your relationships better.
I guess I can admit I'm the Innocent Victim only because he constantly tells me it's all my fault, whatever his actions are , are only reactions to what I did first. Then comes the cussing, name calling and telling me to die. I suggested he watch these videos and his reply was "well they can't be that great if you watched them and you're still messed up." It looks like 25 years of marriage could very well be ending.
Is it possible for the horseman to come in a different order, such as a partner who is constantly defensive and stonewalls leading to criticism and contempt?
Absolutely possible.
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