When we feel bitter, resentful and angry because someone requests something from us, it isn't because they should not have asked. It is because we hesitate saying no in fear of disappointing someone. More importantly, it is what we make it mean about ourselves when we disappoint someone. That is something we need to manage and build confidence in so we don't end up blaming the other person or harbour resentment. My parents will be opportunity for this!
This is something that everyone in my whole family deals with. We are always asking each other when we can do this that and the other thing. The concept of rescheduling is thankfully not lost on any of us.
Hi Julia, always following your channel since I discovered it in 2019. Thank you very much for your outstanding contribution to understanding ourselves, and to grow in confidence, clear sense of ourselves and to have better quality of life.All the best
I tend to lose focus and be able to say what I really need to say because the fear of not pleasing the person takes over! For example, my boss just told me something that was very irresponsible from their end, but instead I didnt ask questions for my benefit! It is like an auto response and happens waaaay to often!! I am already 31 and this needs to stop. Please pray for me.
Thank you. I am learning about the balance of self care and how I don’t ‘have to’ fix the problems of others when it’s bad for me. Also am seeing how I had been guilted or manipulated to give more than the other person gave to me. Was told that various things about self care and growth was selfish, wrong, prideful, etc. Realised that some people are toxic and really only want you around so they can use or have you fix their problems or pay their way. You are their supply.
Juliana I love you. You have really changed my mindset and how I view life now. I was a people pleaser but ever since I discovered your channel I have outgrown this people pleasing thing. I will introduce my daughter who is turning 9 years soon to this channel. Thank you
That really means a lot to me Gertrud. And I am SO happy for you that you are changing your life with these teachings. Celebrating you for doing the work!
Hi Julia! Senior Shifter here! My thoughts and notes on today’s TH-cam video: How to Stop People Pleasing with this One Specific Boundary. MY TAKE AWAY: I think there were times in my life I may have felt like a people pleaser. I don’t think I ever really felt resentful or doing something I didn’t want to do and went about it anyway, but maybe it was more like “if I do this thing, maybe they will like me” thought. Now, this isn’t much of an issue for me. I feel like where I am in life now, I don’t feel like I have too many things going on to feel overwhelmed. I do have these house and yard projects and I was getting to where I was feeling a little burned out, but I am having some fun too and want to try to incorporate even more fun so that I don’t feel as exhausted. In the meantime, I don’t mind helping anyone out and I can do it with a cheery heart. Today, however, I gave myself a boundary of NOT working outside today on the account of the temperature will be about 100 F (38 C) today. MY NOTES: *Honor the relationship *Respect the person's wants/needs *Honor ourselves and respect our wants and needs with self-care *Your wants/needs/preferences and your well-being count too. *Your job and responsibility to set your own boundaries. *It is harder to manage other people's thoughts than your own. *You are worthy to take care of your own mental wellness. *If you are going about helping others but don't really want to and feel resentful or taken advantage of, that can be people pleasing. *Trust yourself.
if you feel so lost and confused, and that the world is so confusing, have existintial thoughts, and suffer from overthinking, and overalap of ideas. And also thinking outloud, or moving your lips while thinking. And walking in circles while thinking. Are there any plants, herbs or similar things, that can at least make you feel much better without so much side effects, or drawbacks, if yes like what, how do they work, and what is the best form to take them in. Or are there any great exercises that can greatly help. If yes like what, can you please help me on this.
Thank you Julia. Love your content, somehow always relevant to what’s going on for me! I’m getting better at this stuff after a year or so working on myself, your words reinforce and remind me how I want to show up for myself. Thank you ❤
Very well said. Thank you for putting things in perspective. I really struggle with ppl pleasing . I just need that guidance in the right direction. Thank you Christina. How do I get your guide?
Going through a similar situation right now, cousin's birthday that I'm not feeling that close too of late. Her mother wants us on the same day I have other plans for. I'm not going but I know this is going to be a 'thing' in the family. Oh well, I have to value my well being, wasn't raised this way and it's been draining and damaging -- to me.
Hi Julia, love the video. Sorry didn't know how else to send you a message. I purchased the Trust Yourself Work Book but it didn't arrive in my email? Probably a glitch in tech.
What if the mother did a compromise...if it was me I'd see if my daughter would be willing to help me plan this party, stay for it, then after the guests went home, we could spend the rest of the evening together (of course if our schedules allowed). It would be kind of sad to have a birthday party without my daughter anyway.
Sincere question: what if you are dealing with someone who isn’t not a rational/reasonable person? (And say this person is your mother, who you don’t want to cut out of your life.) Like, even if I do all this, she still truly believes that her own disappointment means I am being selfish?
She could invite the daughter to help her plan, set up the party WITH her. Could be a really great time together. Seemed so obvious to me. Huh. Perplexed that this was not obvious.
What about THIS? Ever simply wanna relax (and be left alone) on a day off? You don't hate people, you just wanna get "lost-in-a-book", or some music and NOT "engage" anyone today. You just want to be undisturbed and unwind. But-- When I encounter people like this, its a royal Pain-in-the-A** annoyance. They, can say they were polite (since when does saying: "excuse me but could you" grant anyone instant magic power to get whatever they want from you?? but nnooooo....it goes like this: It's ALWAYS about (at this point I'm so sick of it and I dont care if its minor or "no big deal"), its always about you, either: A) COMPLETELY STOPPING NOW whatever you were already doing (No. It isnt illegal, destructive and there is no sign saying its forbidden) B) CHANGING how you do it/doing it it different, their way. Now! C) MOVING it to a different location to do it. Keep reading-- What we can say (and be effective) to other public people/strangers who come up to you and say: 1. Excuse me but: could you not sit/park here, and move? (Why? There ARE plenty of other places, for them. Why even approach me?) 2. Excuse me, but could you not ...or could you stop.... (Note: They simply dont like whatever but they are not the police or management of the business or in charge.). 3. You are listening to music, softly. maybe thru your laptop. You were there, first. someone asks you to turn it down. You say no. It isnt loud and i dont have headphones. WHAT NOW? 4. You are in a lounge, sitting in a chair, and also using an ottoman (automan?) to rest your feet and someone comes by and says excuse me but we need that seat. Do you cave-in? What DO you say? 5. Someone is a passenger in YOUR car w/you driving and you are simply playing your favorite music as you drive. Not screaming loud, just On. They say to turn that sh*t off and listen to it on your own time cuz they hate it. IIIII say: too bad. A) its the chance they take riding with anyone else. and B) when iiii'm a passenger in anyone else's car, i am on THEIR "Turf" so i show them respect. God forbid anyone else could do it for me. What say you? why? (more below), I cant help wondering if THIS isn't some as yet undefined/unclassified pathological condition, something like: "passive-aggressive power tripping" by: constantly trying to get other folks to do little "favors" for them. Then, you cave-in. They got you to do-it-their-way, or stop. Now they feel they have-the-power. Excuse ME, but How about if they mind their own business and dont ask at all? Cant THEY make it thru the day w/o anyone doing something for them? Its not they we cant do nice things for someone but, what about simply being left alone, even if other people are around? We should not have to go 14 miles deep into the forest to have peace. Do you owe them anything? Are they your Boss? Who knows? But its annoying. God forbid THEY would put up with anything at all. No one cares when YOU put up with: revving motorcycles loud chainsaws lawn mowers barking dogs their screaming kids.........We need COMEBACKS. Any suggestions?
you could consider their feelings especially in a close and romantic relationship. Setting boundaries respectfully like saying "I am not available today for that," can go a long way.
When we feel bitter, resentful and angry because someone requests something from us, it isn't because they should not have asked. It is because we hesitate saying no in fear of disappointing someone. More importantly, it is what we make it mean about ourselves when we disappoint someone. That is something we need to manage and build confidence in so we don't end up blaming the other person or harbour resentment. My parents will be opportunity for this!
yes to all of this! Thanks for your takeaways Leslie.
@@juliakristinamah yes, and it looks like we are staying up late 😁
This is something that everyone in my whole family deals with. We are always asking each other when we can do this that and the other thing. The concept of rescheduling is thankfully not lost on any of us.
Hi Julia, always following your channel since I discovered it in 2019. Thank you very much for your outstanding contribution to understanding ourselves, and to grow in confidence, clear sense of ourselves and to have better quality of life.All the best
Hey Alejandro - that really means a lot. Thanks for being loyal and for letting yourself be seen here today!
I tend to lose focus and be able to say what I really need to say because the fear of not pleasing the person takes over! For example, my boss just told me something that was very irresponsible from their end, but instead I didnt ask questions for my benefit! It is like an auto response and happens waaaay to often!! I am already 31 and this needs to stop. Please pray for me.
Thank you. I am learning about the balance of self care and how I don’t ‘have to’ fix the problems of others when it’s bad for me. Also am seeing how I had been guilted or manipulated to give more than the other person gave to me.
Was told that various things about self care and growth was selfish, wrong, prideful, etc.
Realised that some people are toxic and really only want you around so they can use or have you fix their problems or pay their way. You are their supply.
Thank you for your helpful guidance. Best wishes ! 🇨🇦
you are so welcome. Thanks for being here!
Thank you, that makes a lot of sense and self trust…so important
You are so welcome. And glad we're on the same page with this one.
Juliana I love you. You have really changed my mindset and how I view life now. I was a people pleaser but ever since I discovered your channel I have outgrown this people pleasing thing. I will introduce my daughter who is turning 9 years soon to this channel. Thank you
Am from Kenya
That really means a lot to me Gertrud. And I am SO happy for you that you are changing your life with these teachings. Celebrating you for doing the work!
Hi Julia! Senior Shifter here!
My thoughts and notes on today’s TH-cam video:
How to Stop People Pleasing with this One Specific Boundary.
MY TAKE AWAY: I think there were times in my life I may have felt like a people pleaser. I don’t think I ever really felt resentful or doing something I didn’t want to do and went about it anyway, but maybe it was more like “if I do this thing, maybe they will like me” thought. Now, this isn’t much of an issue for me.
I feel like where I am in life now, I don’t feel like I have too many things going on to feel overwhelmed. I do have these house and yard projects and I was getting to where I was feeling a little burned out, but I am having some fun too and want to try to incorporate even more fun so that I don’t feel as exhausted.
In the meantime, I don’t mind helping anyone out and I can do it with a cheery heart.
Today, however, I gave myself a boundary of NOT working outside today on the account of the temperature will be about 100 F (38 C) today.
MY NOTES:
*Honor the relationship
*Respect the person's wants/needs
*Honor ourselves and respect our wants and needs with self-care
*Your wants/needs/preferences and your well-being count too.
*Your job and responsibility to set your own boundaries.
*It is harder to manage other people's thoughts than your own.
*You are worthy to take care of your own mental wellness.
*If you are going about helping others but don't really want to and feel resentful or taken advantage of, that can be people pleasing.
*Trust yourself.
Thank you Julia! People pleasing can be a tricky thing to navigate.
thanks for watching - and YES! It definitely can. I hope you found this one helpful.
Hi! Thanks for being here. What was one thing you found helpful from this talk on people pleasing and boundaries?
if you feel so lost and confused, and that the world is so confusing, have existintial thoughts, and suffer from overthinking, and overalap of ideas. And also thinking outloud, or moving your lips while thinking. And walking in circles while thinking. Are there any plants, herbs or similar things, that can at least make you feel much better without so much side effects, or drawbacks, if yes like what, how do they work, and what is the best form to take them in. Or are there any great exercises that can greatly help. If yes like what, can you please help me on this.
Thank you Julia. Love your content, somehow always relevant to what’s going on for me! I’m getting better at this stuff after a year or so working on myself, your words reinforce and remind me how I want to show up for myself. Thank you ❤
Celebrating you Hayley! And I'm so glad you found this helpful.
You’re always at the perfect timing. Thanks for sharing ❤
I love it when that happens. Glad you're here!
Thank you, Julia!! This is so relevant to me ❤
Really glad you found it helpful. Thanks for being here.
Amazing. Thank you.
Thank you for all of your videos. They are eye-opening and also helpful in my life
I always love your amazing insights!
Sooo helpful
Sooo glad! 😉
Very Good Topic Julia.
Thanks so much - glad it connected.
Excellent thanks very much 😅
you're so welcome. Glad it connected.
Very well said. Thank you for putting things in perspective. I really struggle with ppl pleasing . I just need that guidance in the right direction. Thank you Christina. How do I get your guide?
Going through a similar situation right now, cousin's birthday that I'm not feeling that close too of late. Her mother wants us on the same day I have other plans for. I'm not going but I know this is going to be a 'thing' in the family. Oh well, I have to value my well being, wasn't raised this way and it's been draining and damaging -- to me.
Hi Julia, love the video. Sorry didn't know how else to send you a message. I purchased the Trust Yourself Work Book but it didn't arrive in my email? Probably a glitch in tech.
What if the mother did a compromise...if it was me I'd see if my daughter would be willing to help me plan this party, stay for it, then after the guests went home, we could spend the rest of the evening together (of course if our schedules allowed). It would be kind of sad to have a birthday party without my daughter anyway.
If you can be honest with yourself first, you can be honest with others.
Sincere question: what if you are dealing with someone who isn’t not a rational/reasonable person? (And say this person is your mother, who you don’t want to cut out of your life.) Like, even if I do all this, she still truly believes that her own disappointment means I am being selfish?
what would happen if you made your choice and let her have her thoughts about it?
I like your voice.
But what if daughter really doesn't understand or get really upset, making her distant to her mom.. what if it's like this , please answer
She could invite the daughter to help her plan, set up the party WITH her. Could be a really great time together. Seemed so obvious to me. Huh. Perplexed that this was not obvious.
Never say SORRY
What about THIS?
Ever simply wanna relax (and be left alone) on a day off? You don't hate people, you just wanna get "lost-in-a-book", or some music and NOT "engage" anyone today. You just want to be undisturbed and unwind. But--
When I encounter people like this, its a royal Pain-in-the-A** annoyance. They, can say they were polite (since when does saying: "excuse me but could you" grant anyone instant magic power to get whatever they want from you??
but nnooooo....it goes like this:
It's ALWAYS about (at this point I'm so sick of it and I dont care if its minor or "no big deal"), its always about you, either:
A) COMPLETELY STOPPING NOW whatever you were already doing (No. It isnt illegal, destructive and there is no sign saying its forbidden)
B) CHANGING how you do it/doing it it different, their way. Now!
C) MOVING it to a different location to do it. Keep reading--
What we can say (and be effective) to other public people/strangers who come up to you and say:
1. Excuse me but: could you not sit/park here, and move? (Why? There ARE plenty of other places, for them. Why even approach me?)
2. Excuse me, but could you not ...or could you stop....
(Note: They simply dont like whatever but they are not the police or management of the business or in charge.).
3. You are listening to music, softly. maybe thru your laptop. You were there, first. someone asks you to turn it down. You say no. It isnt loud and i dont have headphones. WHAT NOW?
4. You are in a lounge, sitting in a chair, and also using an ottoman (automan?) to rest your feet and someone comes by and says excuse me but we need that seat. Do you cave-in? What DO you say?
5. Someone is a passenger in YOUR car w/you driving and you are simply playing your favorite music as you drive. Not screaming loud, just On. They say to turn that sh*t off and listen to it on your own time cuz they hate it. IIIII say: too bad. A) its the chance they take riding with anyone else. and B) when iiii'm a passenger in anyone else's car, i am on THEIR "Turf" so i show them respect. God forbid anyone else could do it for me. What say you? why? (more below),
I cant help wondering if THIS isn't some as yet undefined/unclassified pathological condition, something like:
"passive-aggressive power tripping" by:
constantly trying to get other folks to do little "favors" for them.
Then, you cave-in. They got you to do-it-their-way, or stop. Now they feel they have-the-power.
Excuse ME, but How about if they mind their own business and dont ask at all? Cant THEY make it thru the day w/o anyone doing something for them? Its not they we cant do nice things for someone but, what about simply being left alone, even if other people are around? We should not have to go 14 miles deep into the forest to have peace.
Do you owe them anything? Are they your Boss? Who knows? But its annoying.
God forbid THEY would put up with anything at all. No one cares when YOU put up with:
revving motorcycles
loud chainsaws
lawn mowers
barking dogs
their screaming kids.........We need COMEBACKS. Any suggestions?
I'm number 1. I don't care how they feel when I say no. Period!
you could consider their feelings especially in a close and romantic relationship. Setting boundaries respectfully like saying "I am not available today for that," can go a long way.
.... this video is not for you then
Ask your daughter to help plan the party!❤
Why wouldn't the daughter be coming to the party?