My principles for dealing with narcs: 1) Don't give them any personal information (they just collect data to weaponize everything against you) 2) No reactions or emotions around them (because they'll use it to smugly gossip that there's something wrong with you) 3) Accept that it's ingrained in their personality and don't personalize their behavior
I really appreciate your comment. The points you raise all help us to realise 'we're not the crazy one' (or the bad one). Your comment highlights the difference between (us) healthy folk and less healthy toxic souls
4. Use Objective Truth in your thoughts and communication. 5, When they discard you, treat it as Get Out of Jail, and appreciate your freedom! No need to re-engage!
@@sturobertson6791 After dealing with them and hundreds of hours of narc content on TH-cam, that’s basically what I’ve distilled it down into for myself to avoid getting burned by their personalities. My favorite is to just get away from them if possible.
@@barbarakelly1916 Great additions :) Narcs love glomming onto any emotional angle to your words, any opinions. Distorting words, embellishing, always spinning things they don’t understand into something it’s not.
Being under a narcissist's control is like being incarcerated. You intuitively understand that you must count the days until your sentence has been served and you are set free.
So true! I’m counting the days right now. My 2 and a half year sentence is almost over! Only 2 weeks left of sitting in a room at work for 8 hours a day with an impossible narcissistic female. I am SO EXHAUSTED after those years. Until I started figuring out what’s going on thanks to Dr. Carter I was totally lost and depressed, sometimes I felt I was losing my mind and my own self in the process. I experienced everything with her, from narcissistic love bombing, playing the victim of past relationships, struggling to support her on my part and make her happy, through lack of trust and loyalty on every level, deception, heartbreak, discard, smear campaigns and turning others at work against me up to process of disengagement that took me a better part of last year. I am a shell of a human that I used to be, I almost lost my marriage but now I’m almost free. Can’t wait!!!
@@milosza1384 Good for you🌞👍🏻👍🏻.Remember to keep taking good care of your mental health & well-being even after escaping from that so you can thrive😸❤️🩹.
I almost got baited yesterday to fall into this trap. I told myself, just wait 30 minutes before you do anything. After 10, I was like "whew, that was a close one". Never engaged. It won't help. If it is something that HAS TO BE ADDRESSED, I will say what I need and then give a consequence if that isn't met. I have to have a back up plan if he comes back with a no and do the consequence. And probably more. I think what I'm trying to say is that I always have options and God will supply what I need. But there's one option that has been proven to never work. That is depending/hoping on my husband.
@POS3278 For the FIRST time in the 3 years we've been together, I followed through with my "threat. (I don't like that word, but it's all I have right now as today went BAD ...Fast) I can barely think. I'm not gonna type it aall out but "the thing" I warned him NOT to ever call me again or else xyz would happen, happened. No surprise there. Out of ALL his "names" for me, he was warned that THAT one was off-limits. I almost can't blame him for doing it because it's been 3 years of empty threats from me. But in the last few weeks...finding out his ex (amongst other women) had been in our relationship (some since the beginning) added to the vile, nasty, cruel, mean-spirited things he said to me....the 3 years of gaslighting, rage fests, going after my soul in any way he could...well...I'd had Eeeeee Nuff. I followed through with EXACTLY what I told him I'd do. In under an hour, he went so batshit crazy that that i actually REALLY did it that he threatened to send the nudes he has of me to all my male followers on Instagram/toxicgram AND he said theyre going on Reddit too. Last night was the 19th night in a row that I had literally been down on my knees begging God to exorcise him because he's GOTTA be tortured inside. I don't even know what to think or feel anymore 😢 I loved him so much.... Cheers. Christi. P.S. Hey.... Sorry for babbling at you. I guess I just needed to get some of this poison outta my system, you know? Hope ya enjoyed my little novella (My head dump on you) Sigh. Take care fellow commenter ❤
yes and if you allow yourself to be cross-examined, there is a huge fear component to it, which empowers the sadist in them. It's a terribly hard cycle to break.
LoL I don't defend. It kind of goes like this: You have to do this thing. No I don't (Listen while she cycles through demands, micromanagement, pleading, commanding...you probably know the drill) Followed by a request that I immediately acquiesce and agree to every demand, however ridiculous. I start with "I understand everything you said, but I'm not doing that ". BUT WHY!!?? Because I don't want to. Kinda hard to marshal a convincing argument without any parameters to work with. If the best she can do is "Well...that makes you a vile person!" then "I'm OK with you thinking that of me". Tends to take the teeth out of her bite and I just go about my business. It's all good unless she touches me. That's a story for another time. Suffice it to say she doesn't go there anymore. You may not be able to control someone else but you can certainly teach them to respect your boundaries and aggressive physical contact from my Mother is one of mine.
I found my strength in not taking the bait and as a fixer at heart that was hard. But when I discovered this super power? Not getting caught up? Just smiling and walking away? Rocket fuel for my peaceful way of going
Yes,to beat them at their own game,, I am surrounded by Narcs, snooty know it alls,ugh. I know and understand the game that they are playing, and I cannot control them,,, however I have the power to ever so politely, excuse myself and walk away. It’s still annoying, but I believe in time the feeling of not giving them the time of day, and how empowering that is will recharge me from the negativity of such narcs! Great advice in this vlog!❤ stay strong 💪
First, there's no point in arguing with a narcissist or trying to plead your case. It falls on deaf ears. As regards control, you can only control your reactions. Always remain calm and disengage if the narcissist insists on chaos and drama, conflict. Remember, you don't need the narcissist but the narc certainly needs you. Do what you do best. Be you, with your principles, boundaries and assertiveness. Ignore attempts at manipulation and control. Be consistent. Trust yourself and embrace all of the positive personality traits that you possess. In this way you're not playing by their playbook. Walk away with your dignity intact. Be kind and gentle. What differentiates you from the narcissist is empathy.
100% agree. No point in pleading your case. I just experienced this. It is so hard to realize that they just are unable to understand you are not the puppet they believe you are. And you will ever get through to them. Hopefully I’m done giving him chances
I wish I had this one instructive comment 6 months ago when I married a man I didn't know was a narcissist because I'd never heard of narcissism. I thought my story was pretty wild until I read all of y'all's comments... narcissism is simply evil at work--deceiving, lying, crazymaking, bullying, hurting, frustrating, ignoring, rejecting, doing all they can to destroy. So Sad because I loved him. So glad I got out so quickly, only 7 months of my life wasted. His miserable life is completely wasted. I do pray for him.
Obviously, our education, political, medical, military, religious, corporate, etc, etc, institutions were organized and controlled by Narcissists. Think about it. Why did we never learn about Narcissism when studying Psychology for example.? I took years of University level courses in Psychology and never heard one word,! I knew absolutely nothing for almost 60 years!
Things were out of hand yesterday causing a lot of chaos with spouse and mother. I was offering helpful suggestions for the distressing situation and then I just realized they are totally fine with their added suffering and I gave in and said have at it. I felt better.
@An-mei Isn't it strange that the more you try to help, the more fuel you add to the fire. You're no better thought of 🤷♀️ How considerate of them on your birthday 😳 Sending positive thoughts ✨️ 🙏 ❤️
They won't like it. They will be unhappy. I finally noticed that they were going to be unhappy anyway, no matter what. Even, if necessary, about something else. I'm ALWAYS going to be wrong. Sigh. So I finally figured, hey, I might as well be mad at for something I want. This turned out to be a good step towards not caring about their opinion and approval.
I’ll tell you what they do-still blame you, still play the victim, still lie about you to anyone who will listen. But you continue to ignore them and everything they do. Ignore, ignore. Take the high road and never acknowledge what they do. They are insignificant in your life. You don’t even know they exist.
And most people will get sick of their negativity when they complain about you and then usually get away from them once they see how they are stuck in negativity. Thats the secret... people will discover who they are when they go on the smear campaign. So yes, walk away knowing they will dig their own grave. They will get their flying monkeys but they are a minority and they are toxic people anyway.
@@billstewart1747 6 years free. It actually has taken 5 years to feel the healing. That first 5, I was waiting for the retaliation. It was in the sixth year, though, that I am healed enough that I simply don't care what she does. I move forward and on my way with much more ease. She can't impact me directly, so she pulls shenanigans by impacting the people I come in contact with.
The Power of Paradox. Luv it! Once I realized my narcissistic ex was controlling me by making sure I was sleep deprived and/or weakening my resolve by taking shots at me deliberately to upset me, I put all my energy into staying calm and focused in his presence. It's pretty sad when things go this far.
So great you had that strength to do that. My father controlled my mother right up until 2 weeks before she died. He tried to control her in hospital but the nurses saw that the moment one of my siblings left him alone with her and stopped him. As soon as she was diagnosed with terminal cancer (no surprise living with an abuser for 65 years with extensive history of violence against her and us kids), he deprived her to rest during the day and during the night. After the 3rd time of politely requesting him to let her sleep I then got annoyed and said to him you will hasten her death if you keep doing this, that’s when he started on me with every interaction (just like old times), so much so Mum would say to my - while he was hovering over her like a vampire/dementor, it’s ok don’t worry. 😱💀. She refused all treatment except pain relief and that never worked properly until she was on her death bed. She was gone 10 weeks after diagnosis quicker than what the doctors said she had remaining. I realized later this was her chance to escape the POS and on her terms. I had minimal time alone with her growing up- being the incessant man baby he was. I moved far away to get away at 21 to get away from that pos and rarely saw her for the next 30 years because of the pos she was married to. He even tried to minimize the extremely rare times she did visit complaining like a spoiled child that he was left alone. 😱 I am fortunate he refused to come on holiday with her when she came to visit. He had no interest in seeing the daughter he hated (me) or his grandchildren- I realize now, and thank God coz he would have just wrecked it for everyone. 🙏. But watching my beloved mum deteriorate so quickly and her not seeing her first great grandchild (by an older brother who also lived far away) or finish her painting of my beautiful 4yr old great-nephew in a photograph before she died - all because of him was just heartbreaking. I stopped speaking to him - for my own mental health and safety just before Mum died. She held on for extra days comatosed wanting us to reconcile🤮. She was codependent and didn’t realize. In the end she was so beaten down physically and psychologically by that POS. She just wanted a happy family and he, along with my psychopathic abusive sister and younger brother have ensured her dying wishes are totally dismissed , disrespected and 💩 upon at every mention. Going no contact is my only option.
@@ZLLi661 sorry to hear your father treated his family this badly. The Quiet Generation did not have the resources that we have now. My mother was narcissistic and it is only now that she has passed that my father is finding out the truth.
@@CHDean Yes, but as we practice better ways, it becomes easier and more restful, together with getting away from those who provoke the worst in us. If we can talk yourself through and calm ourselves when we're triggered, the abuser loses power over us. Dr C's video Calm Confidence is helpful, and Anna Runkel the Crappy Childhood Fairy has a free downloadable list of Ten Emergency Measures for when you're emotionally disregulated and a Daily Practice she teaches for releasing anxiety. May we all learn how to be the calm person in the room and leave politely before we do/say anything we may regret later.
A very essential statement, Fred, but for me it rather explains a goal than a way 😉 So my question would be, "What steps are needed to get to this particular goal?"
@@roxymovie3938I will tell you something that kicks the narcissist out of your mind once for all, today you will be free of your narc, I will use remote hypnosis. Narcs don’t care about us, but you care about yourself and that is all you need if someone healthy wants to join you it’s a bonus if not you are whole deserving of love.
@@fred.k9875 Hi Fred, why indeed don't we have more people like Doc C? Thankfully, as we heal we get better at recognising and attracting healthy folk around us. We only need a few around us to have a healthy life. Hope you are ok, and all the best to you
I agree. When my ex showed his manipulation tactic totally obviuos I gave up and turned away. He tried to guilttrip and gaslight me and I just said 'maybe you are right, so I will leave this relationship since I am not sufficient in your eyes'. He couldnt deal with that and was really shocked. I stood my ground whatever he tried afterwards during his hooverattempts. I am free. And I couldnt care less what he thinks and talks about me. I am free living a peaceful life daily. Its the only way for me. He had his chances to share my life but he utterly failed to be a partner.
Good for you. I'm sure there a times you look back at it all. But are also continuing to move forward. I hope you are having a good day. It's pretty nice out there. ❤
A very odd way to get control over a Narc, is going no contact or at least not engaging in any emotional way (grey rock). For they need your attention and your emotions to get control over you.
That's really hard since one of my narcissists is my mother. But she will try and engage and I tell her I'm not talking about that with you anymore. She'll try again and again when I see her but I shut her down. We had an all out fight last Fall and she was calling me Little Girl and I'm 55. It was ridiculous and ever since I won't engage. I basically lost a parent even though I never really had one in the first place.
I noticed with my narcissistic ex that his opinion was always opposite mine, so if I said the opposite of what I thought, we were in agreement. 😂 Thankfully, he's my ex, so I can be myself, now.
Yes! They automatically disagree! It doesn't matter what you say. Or they'll just give a contemptuous sneer at what you say. They live to direct themselves in opposition to you.
my mother was like this. Whenever I wanted to manipulate her or get my sister to manipulate her I would tell her to pretend she didn’t want to do something to get my mother to try to “force” her to go to prom or force her to do what she pretended that she didn’t want to do (but really wanted to do). I think my mother is almost a full blown narcissist we grew up with social services and abuse.
My time is too important to waste on trying to control a narcissist. Even if a narcissist could change it would take at least 5 years of weekly behavioral therapy. I don't have 5 years of my life to wait and see if a narcissist might change enough to not be toxic to be around. I'm in my 40's and want to enjoy the rest of my life.
Hoo boy! I remember that feeling when my n-ex tried controlling me! From how I walked, spoke, dressed all the way to whether or not I had placed the tablecloth (even drop on all sides). Nothing was off limits, then I took myself out of the equation! Know what? No one else has any problems like that with me! EVER! So glad I found my Healthy!!
Agreed! Being covertly stalked, followed into stores where every detail of my purchases is watched by a miserable, vile, backstabbing network of witches is as depressing as what it gets. The predictable outbursts usually follow on from the extreme stress suffered by myself from the stalking, theatre skits and gaslighting. It's better than suffering a public panic attack I suppose!
If you have lived long enough with an abuser, you just want to be alone where no person can control you anymore. From a nice book: "I find my only true joy in solitude. Solitude is my palace. Inside, I have my own chair, table and bed, wind and sunshine. When I sit down anywhere else, I'm resting in exile, on misleading land. I'm proud of my palace. I'm keen to keep it warm, soft and glorious, like I could entertain butteflies and birds."
I'm moving further along in this direction daily! My inward source of strength comes from my spiritual connection with my Heavenly Father who DOES love me!
Dr. Carter, PHD, Gus board-certified therapist, consultant, and confidant without saying a word and no official training. 😊 He growls and shows his teeth. when he meets a narc. Smart dog!
I love your Gus, thanks dude, I will remember the man with the plan, my community rules, the comments, or helpful, what moments of joy, man dude ,your questions or off the charts, don't stop asking, ,Gus rules,
I'm talking about, I got to be here in this community, thanks for me being in this community at my state of mind, a good memory until my last breath, my Doctor C, my doggie Gus
Currently 37 weeks pregnant & just learning I have been in a narc relationship for yrs! I can’t get away physically just yet so this video is exactly where I am @ until I CAN ! Thank U For This Video 😩🤰💪😓
If the narc is the father of your baby, please leave for the baby's sake if you can't do it for your own. Most areas have domestic violence shelters, many of which offer help becoming self-supporting: employment assistance, housing, counseling.
The past 4 months have been the best of my life after deciding to walk away from my mother's narcissistic manipulative behavior that I have been under since I was 5 years old. I feel as if a 300,000 lbs cross has been lifted off my back. Thank you Sir for your advice and thank you everyone for sharing your stories as it helps me realize that I am not alone in this journey. May Yahuwah Almighty bless you all. ❤❤❤❤
It’s been 6 months since I went no contact with my mother, I felt the relief and tension lift from my body like heavy fog every single day, like spiritual awakening! I’m grateful for drs who discuss this subject matter and those of you who share your experiences and thoughts because I know I am not alone ❤
He can't help himself. It's that old story about the poisonous scorpion asking the turtle for a ride across the river. The scorpion was sweet and beguiled the turtle though the turtle had doubts. In the middle of the crossing, the scorpion stings the turtle. The turtle says, "why did you do that!? Now we will both die. Me from the poison you from drowning." The scorpion said, "It's my nature. I couldn't help myself." It's the nature of a narcissist to sting. They are EXTREMELY devious. Like the scorpion, I met someone who confessed he was a reformed narcissist. He even wanted to start a group for victims of narcacism and he actually had people want to give him a "ride." I refused. All the signs were still there. The same controlling, the same superiority and the same: I'm going to head the recovery group, I'm going to control who joins and write the bylaws, I'm going to pay for some account because that gave him control as to who could come to the meeting. They can't help themselves! It's who they are. Couldn't see that all he had done was convinced himself that he had recovered, and now wanted old victims of abuse to act as his new supply. I'm in charge, I'm in control, my way or the highway dripping out his pours and he still thinks he has recovered. Walk away!
That was the idea that I had when raising my children. As they got older, I didn't want to control them. I wanted them to learn to control themselves. With a narc it's a whole different ball game!!! Unfortunately 😢😩🙄
My narcissist has been married the entire two and a half years we’ve lived together, we moved in when I thought divorce was imminent (lol) and for the duration of our relationship he has fully financially supported her (she’s not employed) while I support myself entirely. I didn’t expect this dynamic. I’m not allowed to bring it up. Ever. Any time I’ve tried I get horribly emotionally abused. There is no empathy or understanding of my bewilderment and pain at this odd situation. I’m learning to detach lately, watching videos such as these, and it makes me sad. Because the more I detach emotionally from him, the less I love him. In order to protect myself, I had to fall out of love. And now I can really see him for the strange, shrieking, controlling narcissist bully that he is. It’s heartbreaking.
My way of dealing with my ex is to ignore him. Even selling the house he wants control even against the judge ruling. Real sick people. Press the ignore button and be happy. Something they can never have my peace is priceless.
i have learned that narcissism is a mental mechanism the an individual has adopted that allows them to be correct in whatever they do because they have decided that opposition to them is your or someone else's fault. No one can win that defense so they are virtually incurable!
Easy enough to say when your physical health is relatively unaffected isn’t it. If you get real sick and find yourself physically dependent on people who just don’t care too much about you, then you might find out that you still have to exercise a great deal of self control despite not having much independence to speak of.
Dr C. I feel like I have my narcissistic parents in my head. At 66 I feel like I can’t control my head. I will not hurt me, and I want to. My mothers chronic suicidal threats and patterns of action are in my head as I heal from leaving many narcissistic relationships I am leaving these past few years. It’s big! I am doing it. They want me to fail to need them again. Control by collateral damage installed when i fear my personal struggle will need them. I don’t. And I won’t. And I go at me instead. Unraveling from the inside out. Thank you Dr C for holding truth to keep my decency to me and enjoy others again.
This is so true, I can’t control them, but I know to not ever argue, just remain calm,,, politely get away. I have a narc, I have to communicate with at work,, and it’s only 4 months until I retire,,, I am a very strong woman and I know enough not to play there game. Very good advice , thank you for sharing your knowledge!❤
They keep asking for help its things to keep you occupied constantly. If you get frustrated. They get blame shifting that well you are the problem and neglecting them.
My nex was like that about almost everything. One peculiarity he had was insisting on having two flat sheets to cover up with. It made making the bed harder, and just seemed nuts to me.
@@Hatbox948 I'm struggling with BP and I just found mine salting my food for prep again. They know, they know. I am keeping my cool, I won't eat more than a couple bites. I called him out. He is also finding ways to add butter. I bought asparagus and prepped it. He waited until it was grilled and added butter but I am not going to eat tablespoons of butter because he decides I need it. And I am sorry, if anyone feels that is acceptable behavior to ask of me! I am not doing it. I feel like he is waiting for me to react and trying to gain control by my compliance.
@@Hatbox948 I have felt isolated and (no words) when I confided this to a friend and they told me the benefits of eating butter! I don't see any benefit in it, my bad. In food, okay. Telling me all I need to do is consume more salt and eat butter to improve my health, I don't agree.
I live in Australia but I wish I lived just down the road from you so that I could shake your hand and thank you in person for all the wise advice, freely given. And for those of us who had to leave our four-legged friends behind in order to escape from loony narcissist world, thank you for having Gus in your videos. Bless you Dr. C.
Let go and accept them for who they are, accept that you and they are both going to be who each are, accept that the best compromise is accept the futility for what it is and that you can take empowered action for your peace by...letting go
I learned, slowly, but it is still not fun. But I have learned that superficial engagement, reverting to the Southern manner of saying exactly what I am going to do or what I think. The smile makes her insane. My MIL is going down and trying to take everyone with her. I'm a Christian woman, retired nurse, and a realist. We are going to get through this.
Yeh my control was to back away, but I've been branded dramatic, emotional, sensitive et cetera When I was still locked into trying to communicate with them they called me aggressive, angry, detached from reality. There was only ever one option available to me if i wanted to be in the family. Collapse into their narratives. Any attempt to raise an issue and communicate leads to more labels and cold shouldering. Which they also DENY. Such a head wreck
I have experience that in my family as well. It sure is a head wreck. We have to find our way in the isolated feeling of that not having a voice to make you feel. I’m reading the comments and it’s great. One person said, I have peace now that not around it and they enjoy their day, so I think that’s a focus. Best to try and start to enjoy our own lives and make her own lives the way we want them to be. And feel happy that the chaos is gone.
The only way you can get them to go along with you is if you revert to their own way of constantly manipulating gossiping controlling them... Which good normal people just dont do. 😂 They are very emotionally immature and mentally limited. They can be intellectually very sharp so they think they're intelligent but their psyche is fractured and their emotional intelligence is underdeveloped and disconnected so there's no cohesion.
The worst is when they get in a group and theyve decided youre the root cause of all their issues. They're dangerous and will stop at nothing to convince everyone and anyone that youre the devil incarnate
@@shingajinga3687 in my family the men have it, they always went with labeling disagreeing women as mentally unstable, grandpa unironically used the word "hysterical". They threatened with asylums but realistically I don't think they'd let any of us anywhere near a psychologist because then they'd get figured out. Just an empty threat to stigmatise you and make you think you're the crazy one. They stigmatise going to a psychologist as well, to make you not go and not talk about it with anyone out of shame.
Good morning everyone and blessings for another day and enlightment of today's discussion on a narcissistic brainwashing person... And Happy Mother's Day in advance to all the Queen's!!
Magnificent gratitude beautiful SOULS, thanks 4 being here and helping me find strength through leaving 42 years of CONTROL 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 Yippee yippee whoooooo I am FREE❤
You are amazing and so helpful. I broke free of my narcissistic workplace stalker by going no contact. He’s like a grown child in his corner somewhat now. I’m sticking to no contact. Works for me! Trying triangulation now and everyone sees him clearly. LOL! I can’t thank you enough! It’s like therapy for free!
I was regularly told I was lying when I gave my opinion on anything, especially how I felt about how I felt about how I was being treated . I would then be told how I really felt and the hidden reason why I said what I said.
Lol, my opinions and feelings were called "egotistical" if they even made it inside their heads, most of the time its like the words don't even make it into their brains, they get flatout ignored. Must be a short-circuit, or closed one rather. Only for "approved content". If they want to behave like children, fine, I'll treat them like the mentally challenged child they are.
I have to control the classroom as a professional. I’m very good at hiding my real triggers. Narcissists will try to take over my classroom and I counteract that by drowning out their deliberate attempts to take control with years of experience.
You’re a gem, Dr. Carter! Thank you for sharing your wisdom, and making such an effort to help us empaths understand how to look out for ourselves when dealing with narcissists. We’re lucky to have you.
@@scharlesnicole maybe just let one live in some strategic place in your garden for when the narcs stop by ;) jk, ofc. But honestly, yes, with any animal you know where you're at with them: if you dont bother them they wont bother you. But with narcs, they will just bother you for their own amusement or supply, just to make you feel bad. Even parasites like mosquitoes and ticks only bother us for food, not their own personal entertainment.
I’m following your advice to the letter Dr C and the narcissist is now begging me to “fall back in love with him”. Um, sorry I can’t do that because I no longer feel love for him after 20 plus years of abuse. I’ll remain on friendly terms if he’s civil to me and carry on living according to my values of decency and truth. Thank you 🤗
Gray rock works best when they leave & if he does stay, watch your back because he’ll up the game by cheating, beating, etc. especially be careful of financial abuse & separate accounts plz
Thank you. I’ve actually got divorce papers drawn up now and I’m deciding when he will receive them. I’m certain he’ll increase his abuse once he knows it’s over and I’m figuring out how to keep myself safe before proceeding.
Thank you! This is personally the most helpful video yet. The approach presented here will cost me a friendship dating back to childhood. But the sad truth I didn't want to see is that the friendship is over -- has been over -- for some time. My friend is currently, misguidedly, abusing a disabled family member. Instead of arguing with her, I need to report her. My friend was abused by her parents and, later, for many years by her first husband. Yet my friend won't admit to her own childhood abuse or seek psychological help. That's the crux of the problem. Fundamentally my friend is a well-meaning person. But she'll never forgive me for turning her in to the local authorities. I can't forgive myself if I don't.
Love your videos! I appreciate how you encourage your viewers to find their own personal freedom and power rather than simply talking about the narcissist's behavior. Thank you!
This is the second message that I got about control today.. What I am taking out of both messages is that it is about control.. I need to put the focus on controlling my life rather than controlling other people's life.. As they try to control me I need to shift my focus off of them and onto me... Good Stuff..
This was excellent You seem to be a little under the weather I will be praying for your recovery You have saved my sanity No words can describe my gratitude I embrace the freedom I am learning from your knowledge
I can vouch for this mindset working well; the narcissist feels frustrated because you don't react how they want, and you get a feeling of inner contentment when you resolve to be "you". Thank you Dr. C.
Two types of folks out there : independent & codependent - independent people have boundaries, more in sight, confidence, freedom & are the controlling Narcs Kryptonite ! Codependent folks struggle with these qualities a lot more & this is where Dr Carter is here to give you all the help you need against these folks. Love your videos! Stand in your own light
This gave me a great epiphany today, thank you. Every person in my life of this type thought they were giving away control, self-described generous people. But they all delegated everything and it had to be done their way. I got attached to being helpful and useful, and the abuse was about criticism of performance no matter how well I actually did.
Unfortunately, the narcissist is my eldest adult daughter. We haven't spoken in 3 years because she cut contact with me after I lent her $20,000.00. She's not letting me see my grandchildren. It hurts.
I watched this and was soon saying it out loud in unison together with you, Dr C! , "I can't control that, so I won't." 😃 Great mantra! Thank you so much for your wonderful, lighthearted wisdom. 🙏 You making learning fun! 😁
I’ve been applying all of these! It’s made a great difference in me, none at all in my partner. When I assert my identity and it doesn’t correspond to her wishes or worldview, she switches to disengagement and goes off to whatever else she has next on her task list. It’s like watching a robot.
Easier say than done, it take times to not engage into specially when the narcissist is around their 50 and has about 40 years of experience being insidious manipulative person. But yes, you're right Dr. Thanks for your time creating this content.
This is probably one of the most frustrating things people say on a regular basis to me: "you can't control X," generally meaning another person. I'm at a complete loss as to why anyone on this planet thinks I have ever believed I can control another person. I don't remember ever believing or thinking I could control another person. In fact, I have been lectured almost equally for *saying* I could not control other people or saying I did not believe it was my role to even attempt to control other people. I'm so tired of being told, "You cannot control other people." At the same time, I've also been exhorted from birth, particularly by my church, on the many ways I was supposed to somehow change other people's behavior. Through example, through love, through correction, through long-suffering patience, through preaching, etc., and if none of those worked, somehow I was the failure. When I said, "That's not going to work; the only people who can change themselves is the person themself because they want to change," instead of being lauded as wise, I got chastised for my negative, unChristlike, lacking-in-faith attitude. I have to say, when it comes to changing other people, my attitude remains the same and is probably even worse. Would I like the power to be able change other people? You bet. Do I think that's a wise power to give people? No. I'd like to rule the universe and be able to make everything go exactly as I want, too. Would that be good for me? Almost certainly not. But, boy, would I love to be able to make some people change. Life would be so much less stressful. Addictions like food, drugs and alcohol have never been tempting but I can sure see why power over others would be a very slippery, dangerous slope. People have told me my whole life I'm a very patient person. I have not agreed with them and after 60 plus years dealing with narcissists, I feel like I've utterly run out of any shred of patience so the temptation to just zap people if I had the power would be very strong.
This was extremely helpful. Please do more episodes like this. I have watched these videos for a couple of years now, and have learned a lot about narcissistic behavior. Today, I learned more about what I can do. This was extremely helpful.
Amen! I figured this a couple years ago- “i can’t control them, but I can control me.” It works. It doesn’t stop them from their accusations, anger and dis regulation. What it does do, is limit it. They will still say and do things, instead of 10 texts that are 8” long, it becomes one or two because it goes nowhere if you choose not to contribute to it.
Doc, this is a great video! I started to do this with one of the narcissists in my orbit but wasn't sure if I was just being dispassionate and uncaring (AITA?) or I found a good strategy. Folks, if you do this, expect some bewilderment and silence from the narcissist while they try to figure ou what you are doing and come up with a new mode of action with you.
That is the best way to deal with a narcissist, there is nothing you can control. | But from me to you at the end of the day, there is not much we actually control, and realising this is a valuable lesson to learn.
Wonderful!! I have figured this truth out previously 👍. I have lost a lot of people in my life since that point (not through my actions I hasten to add, but theirs). The way you construct this podcast is great - simple, humble, relevant, kind and loving ♥️. I so appreciate your videos, Dr Carter (You) 🌹. You are helping a lot of people out there to find and live their truth. It seems these days that the 'irreplaceable' virtue of 'Truth' is more under attack in the present day than ever before. May God Bless and Keep You and Your Loved Ones Always. 🌹🙏🙏🙏
Oh definitely Dr Carter. I have definitely got that straight with me and narc. First of all, I never wanted to " control " people. And I can't allow anyone to " take" or try to control me. Been through that before. I'm older and I can't " study " that with them. I walk away when a cycle of crap starts. I don't have to explain or justify it. That choice belongs to me. They chose how they will be. If there is respect and accept that they can't control my life and all about me, and cause stress and turmoil, disengage. I have to take care of me. ❤❤❤
My principles for dealing with narcs:
1) Don't give them any personal information (they just collect data to weaponize everything against you)
2) No reactions or emotions around them (because they'll use it to smugly gossip that there's something wrong with you)
3) Accept that it's ingrained in their personality and don't personalize their behavior
Concept of ‘firewalling’ came in very handy for me!
I really appreciate your comment. The points you raise all help us to realise 'we're not the crazy one' (or the bad one). Your comment highlights the difference between (us) healthy folk and less healthy toxic souls
4. Use Objective Truth in your thoughts and communication.
5, When they discard you, treat it as Get Out of Jail, and appreciate your freedom! No need to re-engage!
@@sturobertson6791 After dealing with them and hundreds of hours of narc content on TH-cam, that’s basically what I’ve distilled it down into for myself to avoid getting burned by their personalities. My favorite is to just get away from them if possible.
@@barbarakelly1916 Great additions :) Narcs love glomming onto any emotional angle to your words, any opinions. Distorting words, embellishing, always spinning things they don’t understand into something it’s not.
Being under a narcissist's control is like being incarcerated. You intuitively understand that you must count the days until your sentence has been served and you are set free.
Absolutely!!!👍🏻👍🏻
Wow. Well said and so true.
Ding Ding You Are A Winner!
So true! I’m counting the days right now. My 2 and a half year sentence is almost over! Only 2 weeks left of sitting in a room at work for 8 hours a day with an impossible narcissistic female. I am SO EXHAUSTED after those years. Until I started figuring out what’s going on thanks to Dr. Carter I was totally lost and depressed, sometimes I felt I was losing my mind and my own self in the process. I experienced everything with her, from narcissistic love bombing, playing the victim of past relationships, struggling to support her on my part and make her happy, through lack of trust and loyalty on every level, deception, heartbreak, discard, smear campaigns and turning others at work against me up to process of disengagement that took me a better part of last year. I am a shell of a human that I used to be, I almost lost my marriage but now I’m almost free. Can’t wait!!!
@@milosza1384 Good for you🌞👍🏻👍🏻.Remember to keep taking good care of your mental health & well-being even after escaping from that so you can thrive😸❤️🩹.
My “control” was backing away. I had more control over myself, and her inability to control me drove her further away.
You and I are on the same page, Aaron!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Excited to learn more!
That worked for me too. I backed completely away.
The more you back away from narcs, the more healthy people you have around you ❣️
Exactly!
Yep, trying to prove yourself or argue is just a waste of time and energy.
Just walk away.
Yes, it's an exercise in futility & frustration. Very draining, we shouldn't give away our power nor peace to these clowns.
I almost got baited yesterday to fall into this trap. I told myself, just wait 30 minutes before you do anything. After 10, I was like "whew, that was a close one". Never engaged. It won't help. If it is something that HAS TO BE ADDRESSED, I will say what I need and then give a consequence if that isn't met. I have to have a back up plan if he comes back with a no and do the consequence. And probably more.
I think what I'm trying to say is that I always have options and God will supply what I need. But there's one option that has been proven to never work. That is depending/hoping on my husband.
@POS3278 For the FIRST time in the 3 years we've been together, I followed through with my "threat.
(I don't like that word, but it's all I have right now as today went BAD ...Fast)
I can barely think.
I'm not gonna type it aall out but "the thing" I warned him NOT to ever call me again or else xyz would happen, happened.
No surprise there.
Out of ALL his "names" for me, he was warned that THAT one was off-limits.
I almost can't blame him for doing it because it's been 3 years of empty threats from me.
But in the last few weeks...finding out his ex (amongst other women)
had been in our relationship (some since the beginning) added to the vile, nasty, cruel, mean-spirited things he said to me....the 3 years of gaslighting, rage fests, going after my soul in any way he could...well...I'd had Eeeeee Nuff.
I followed through with EXACTLY what I told him I'd do.
In under an hour, he went so batshit crazy that that i actually REALLY did it that he threatened to send the nudes he has of me to all my male followers on Instagram/toxicgram AND he said theyre going on Reddit too.
Last night was the 19th night in a row that I had literally been down on my knees begging God to exorcise him because he's GOTTA be tortured inside.
I don't even know what to think or feel anymore 😢
I loved him so much....
Cheers.
Christi.
P.S.
Hey....
Sorry for babbling at you.
I guess I just needed to get some of this poison outta my system, you know?
Hope ya enjoyed my little novella
(My head dump on you)
Sigh.
Take care fellow commenter ❤
If a black hole were ever manifested in a human, it'll be the narcissist. Hours and health gone and never to return.
Amen.
They see themselves as life's cross examiner, with you on the witness stand having to defend your choices.
So true. They must assign themselves this role to feel superior. Such an immature low iq way to exist!!
Oh crikey yes!
You described it 💯 correct.
yes and if you allow yourself to be cross-examined, there is a huge fear component to it, which empowers the sadist in them. It's a terribly hard cycle to break.
LoL I don't defend. It kind of goes like this:
You have to do this thing.
No I don't
(Listen while she cycles through demands, micromanagement, pleading, commanding...you probably know the drill)
Followed by a request that I immediately acquiesce and agree to every demand, however ridiculous. I start with "I understand everything you said, but I'm not doing that ".
BUT WHY!!??
Because I don't want to. Kinda hard to marshal a convincing argument without any parameters to work with. If the best she can do is "Well...that makes you a vile person!" then "I'm OK with you thinking that of me". Tends to take the teeth out of her bite and I just go about my business.
It's all good unless she touches me. That's a story for another time. Suffice it to say she doesn't go there anymore. You may not be able to control someone else but you can certainly teach them to respect your boundaries and aggressive physical contact from my Mother is one of mine.
Taking the focus back on yourself
Accepting the narcissist as they are
Distant limited or no contact
yep no contact is the only way because of their patterns over and over
yep no contact is the only way because of their patterns over and over
I found my strength in not taking the bait and as a fixer at heart that was hard. But when I discovered this super power? Not getting caught up? Just smiling and walking away? Rocket fuel for my peaceful way of going
⚠️ True, on fixer at heart! It's hard but you can't solve it.
Recently started doing this involuntarily, either they think I'm playing or they confused, but they took the nonsense away from my space
Yes,to beat them at their own game,, I am surrounded by Narcs, snooty know it alls,ugh. I know and understand the game that they are playing, and I cannot control them,,, however I have the power to ever so politely, excuse myself and walk away. It’s still annoying, but I believe in time the feeling of not giving them the time of day, and how empowering that is will recharge me from the negativity of such narcs! Great advice in this vlog!❤ stay strong 💪
Amen to that!!! 🙏
That makes you “Rocket (wo)Man”.
Dealing with a narcissist is so totally exhausting! Nothing but mind games. Best thing to do is to run in the opposite direction.
They will literally suck the very life out of you if you let them.
First, there's no point in arguing with a narcissist or trying to plead your case. It falls on deaf ears. As regards control, you can only control your reactions. Always remain calm and disengage if the narcissist insists on chaos and drama, conflict. Remember, you don't need the narcissist but the narc certainly needs you. Do what you do best. Be you, with your principles, boundaries and assertiveness. Ignore attempts at manipulation and control. Be consistent. Trust yourself and embrace all of the positive personality traits that you possess.
In this way you're not playing by their playbook.
Walk away with your dignity intact. Be kind and gentle.
What differentiates you from the narcissist is empathy.
100% agree. No point in pleading your case. I just experienced this. It is so hard to realize that they just are unable to understand you are not the puppet they believe you are. And you will ever get through to them. Hopefully I’m done giving him chances
Saved this thank you so much. So well put!!
@@mayamartin7359 Thank you Maya. I'm happy to know that you found my post to be helpful.
Kindness,
Patrick Sicard PsyD
I wish I had this one instructive comment 6 months ago when I married a man I didn't know was a narcissist because I'd never heard of narcissism. I thought my story was pretty wild until I read all of y'all's comments... narcissism is simply evil at work--deceiving, lying, crazymaking, bullying, hurting, frustrating, ignoring, rejecting, doing all they can to destroy. So Sad because I loved him. So glad I got out so quickly, only 7 months of my life wasted. His miserable life is completely wasted. I do pray for him.
Obviously, our education, political, medical, military, religious, corporate, etc, etc, institutions were organized and controlled by Narcissists. Think about it. Why did we never learn about Narcissism when studying Psychology for example.?
I took years of University level courses in Psychology and never heard one word,! I knew absolutely nothing for almost 60 years!
We can't control them. We can only control ourselves.
Things were out of hand yesterday causing a lot of chaos with spouse and mother.
I was offering helpful suggestions for the distressing situation and then I just realized they are totally fine with their added suffering and I gave in and said have at it.
I felt better.
I'll bet they were in shock!
@@cathybutcher4826 They were oblivious, it seems. They can both talk about how laborious it was.
So true, Amanda❣
@An-mei Isn't it strange that the more you try to help, the more fuel you add to the fire. You're no better thought of 🤷♀️
How considerate of them on your birthday 😳 Sending positive thoughts ✨️ 🙏 ❤️
a narcissist gets pleasure from inflicting pain on another human being . just shows how twisted a narcissist is .
They won't like it. They will be unhappy. I finally noticed that they were going to be unhappy anyway, no matter what. Even, if necessary, about something else. I'm ALWAYS going to be wrong. Sigh. So I finally figured, hey, I might as well be mad at for something I want.
This turned out to be a good step towards not caring about their opinion and approval.
I’ll tell you what they do-still blame you, still play the victim, still lie about you to anyone who will listen. But you continue to ignore them and everything they do. Ignore, ignore. Take the high road and never acknowledge what they do. They are insignificant in your life. You don’t even know they exist.
And most people will get sick of their negativity when they complain about you and then usually get away from them once they see how they are stuck in negativity. Thats the secret... people will discover who they are when they go on the smear campaign. So yes, walk away knowing they will dig their own grave. They will get their flying monkeys but they are a minority and they are toxic people anyway.
I love Surviving Narcissism. Even after years of being free from covert narcissistic mother, I come back occasionally for this valuable info.
Almost one year going no contact. Freedom is wonderful!
@@billstewart1747 6 years free. It actually has taken 5 years to feel the healing. That first 5, I was waiting for the retaliation. It was in the sixth year, though, that I am healed enough that I simply don't care what she does. I move forward and on my way with much more ease. She can't impact me directly, so she pulls shenanigans by impacting the people I come in contact with.
Same, I don't have too many issues with my covert narc mom anymore since I Gray Rock, but still enjoying listening and learning about narcissism
Check Kris Reece as well! She’s amazing!!
Me too 😊
The Power of Paradox. Luv it! Once I realized my narcissistic ex was controlling me by making sure I was sleep deprived and/or weakening my resolve by taking shots at me deliberately to upset me, I put all my energy into staying calm and focused in his presence. It's pretty sad when things go this far.
Always ends this way because the narcissistic pattern is control then reject so just get out
@@caroleminke6116 Already divorced. Yay!!
So great you had that strength to do that. My father controlled my mother right up until 2 weeks before she died. He tried to control her in hospital but the nurses saw that the moment one of my siblings left him alone with her and stopped him. As soon as she was diagnosed with terminal cancer (no surprise living with an abuser for 65 years with extensive history of violence against her and us kids), he deprived her to rest during the day and during the night. After the 3rd time of politely requesting him to let her sleep I then got annoyed and said to him you will hasten her death if you keep doing this, that’s when he started on me with every interaction (just like old times), so much so Mum would say to my - while he was hovering over her like a vampire/dementor, it’s ok don’t worry. 😱💀. She refused all treatment except pain relief and that never worked properly until she was on her death bed. She was gone 10 weeks after diagnosis quicker than what the doctors said she had remaining. I realized later this was her chance to escape the POS and on her terms. I had minimal time alone with her growing up- being the incessant man baby he was. I moved far away to get away at 21 to get away from that pos and rarely saw her for the next 30 years because of the pos she was married to. He even tried to minimize the extremely rare times she did visit complaining like a spoiled child that he was left alone. 😱 I am fortunate he refused to come on holiday with her when she came to visit. He had no interest in seeing the daughter he hated (me) or his grandchildren- I realize now, and thank God coz he would have just wrecked it for everyone. 🙏. But watching my beloved mum deteriorate so quickly and her not seeing her first great grandchild (by an older brother who also lived far away) or finish her painting of my beautiful 4yr old great-nephew in a photograph before she died - all because of him was just heartbreaking. I stopped speaking to him - for my own mental health and safety just before Mum died. She held on for extra days comatosed wanting us to reconcile🤮. She was codependent and didn’t realize. In the end she was so beaten down physically and psychologically by that POS. She just wanted a happy family and he, along with my psychopathic abusive sister and younger brother have ensured her dying wishes are totally dismissed , disrespected and 💩 upon at every mention. Going no contact is my only option.
@@ZLLi661 sorry to hear your father treated his family this badly. The Quiet Generation did not have the resources that we have now. My mother was narcissistic and it is only now that she has passed that my father is finding out the truth.
So evil and sad! 😌
We can't control anyone else honestly (only by deceit as narcissist do). But we can control our own behaviour and emotions.
And THAT is a full-time job.
@@CHDean Yes, but as we practice better ways, it becomes easier and more restful, together with getting away from those who provoke the worst in us. If we can talk yourself through and calm ourselves when we're triggered, the abuser loses power over us.
Dr C's video Calm Confidence is helpful, and Anna Runkel the Crappy Childhood Fairy has a free downloadable list of Ten Emergency Measures for when you're emotionally disregulated and a Daily Practice she teaches for releasing anxiety. May we all learn how to be the calm person in the room and leave politely before we do/say anything we may regret later.
Tty this. When a narcissist is talking, give him/her an expressionless and totally blank stare. It will disarm them and watch them fidget.
To enhance the blank look, stare at its forehead just above the eyebrows
I laughed at this. My husband said to me last week, "I can't read your eyes anymore." It really throws him.
Mind over matter, if we don’t mind they don’t matter!
Nice tux!
A very essential statement, Fred, but for me it rather explains a goal than a way 😉 So my question would be, "What steps are needed to get to this particular goal?"
@@SurvivingNarcissismthanks Doc why we don’t have more people like you in this world?
@@roxymovie3938I will tell you something that kicks the narcissist out of your mind once for all, today you will be free of your narc, I will use remote hypnosis.
Narcs don’t care about us, but you care about yourself and that is all you need if someone healthy wants to join you it’s a bonus if not you are whole deserving of love.
@@fred.k9875
Hi Fred, why indeed don't we have more people like Doc C?
Thankfully, as we heal we get better at recognising and attracting healthy folk around us. We only need a few around us to have a healthy life.
Hope you are ok, and all the best to you
I agree. When my ex showed his manipulation tactic totally obviuos I gave up and turned away. He tried to guilttrip and gaslight me and I just said 'maybe you are right, so I will leave this relationship since I am not sufficient in your eyes'. He couldnt deal with that and was really shocked. I stood my ground whatever he tried afterwards during his hooverattempts. I am free. And I couldnt care less what he thinks and talks about me. I am free living a peaceful life daily. Its the only way for me. He had his chances to share my life but he utterly failed to be a partner.
Just your toddler & you refused to be secondary mommy supply
Thank you for this inspiring comment!
Good for you.
I'm sure there a times you look back at it all. But are also continuing to move forward.
I hope you are having a good day.
It's pretty nice out there.
❤
Watching this reminded me of a saying " I am taking my shovel and pail and go play in another sandbox"
A very odd way to get control over a Narc, is going no contact or at least not engaging in any emotional way (grey rock).
For they need your attention and your emotions to get control over you.
🎯🎯🎯
Well said!
When I went gray rock under Dr C protocol he finally admitted that he could no longer trigger me & then he just disappeared!
That's really hard since one of my narcissists is my mother. But she will try and engage and I tell her I'm not talking about that with you anymore. She'll try again and again when I see her but I shut her down. We had an all out fight last Fall and she was calling me Little Girl and I'm 55. It was ridiculous and ever since I won't engage. I basically lost a parent even though I never really had one in the first place.
@Michscott123hm
I noticed with my narcissistic ex that his opinion was always opposite mine, so if I said the opposite of what I thought, we were in agreement. 😂 Thankfully, he's my ex, so I can be myself, now.
Yes! They automatically disagree! It doesn't matter what you say. Or they'll just give a contemptuous sneer at what you say. They live to direct themselves in opposition to you.
They'll still adopt a stance opposite to you. It's like a knee jerk reflex. Better to express no opinion to them at all.
my mother was like this. Whenever I wanted to manipulate her or get my sister to manipulate her I would tell her to pretend she didn’t want to do something to get my mother to try to “force” her to go to prom or force her to do what she pretended that she didn’t want to do (but really wanted to do). I think my mother is almost a full blown narcissist we grew up with social services and abuse.
Yepp. I used it against her to get my way.
My time is too important to waste on trying to control a narcissist. Even if a narcissist could change it would take at least 5 years of weekly behavioral therapy. I don't have 5 years of my life to wait and see if a narcissist might change enough to not be toxic to be around. I'm in my 40's and want to enjoy the rest of my life.
Hoo boy! I remember that feeling when my n-ex tried controlling me! From how I walked, spoke, dressed all the way to whether or not I had placed the tablecloth (even drop on all sides). Nothing was off limits, then I took myself out of the equation! Know what? No one else has any problems like that with me! EVER! So glad I found my Healthy!!
I'm pleased for you too, Bara.
The ageing Narcissist walking around the work place having a Narcissistic rant - is one of the most UGLY social interactions I've ever seen 🥺😰
Agreed! Being covertly stalked, followed into stores where every detail of my purchases is watched by a miserable, vile, backstabbing network of witches is as depressing as what it gets. The predictable outbursts usually follow on from the extreme stress suffered by myself from the stalking, theatre skits and gaslighting. It's better than suffering a public panic attack I suppose!
If you have lived long enough with an abuser, you just want to be alone where no person can control you anymore. From a nice book:
"I find my only true joy in solitude. Solitude is my palace. Inside, I have my own chair, table and bed, wind and sunshine. When I sit down anywhere else, I'm resting in exile, on misleading land. I'm proud of my palace. I'm keen to keep it warm, soft and glorious, like I could entertain butteflies and birds."
Exactly what I want now ☮️💜
So beautiful! Thank you! 🤗🫂🙏
It used to all be about 'what do I say'. Now it's 'don't say anything'.
I'm moving further along in this direction daily! My inward source of strength comes from my spiritual connection with my Heavenly Father who DOES love me!
Wonderful! He is my source of strength and comfort too! He has faithfully protected me and helps me grow as I study His Word.
It's like braking a spell using that phrase.
And we live happily ever after.
And they live unhappily ever after...
🤣🤣🤣
That is the point, a Narcissist is not happy unless they are unhappy.
Dr. Carter, PHD, Gus board-certified therapist, consultant, and confidant without saying a word and no official training. 😊 He growls and shows his teeth. when he meets a narc. Smart dog!
I love your Gus, thanks dude, I will remember the man with the plan, my community rules, the comments, or helpful, what moments of joy, man dude ,your questions or off the charts, don't stop asking, ,Gus rules,
I'm talking about, I got to be here in this community, thanks for me being in this community at my state of mind, a good memory until my last breath, my Doctor C, my doggie Gus
Nah! The zen doggo just walks away.
@@valerieh84 Or Gus falls asleep. 😀
Currently 37 weeks pregnant & just learning I have been in a narc relationship for yrs! I can’t get away physically just yet so this video is exactly where I am @ until I CAN ! Thank U For This Video 😩🤰💪😓
If the narc is the father of your baby, please leave for the baby's sake if you can't do it for your own. Most areas have domestic violence shelters, many of which offer help becoming self-supporting: employment assistance, housing, counseling.
The past 4 months have been the best of my life after deciding to walk away from my mother's narcissistic manipulative behavior that I have been under since I was 5 years old. I feel as if a 300,000 lbs cross has been lifted off my back. Thank you Sir for your advice and thank you everyone for sharing your stories as it helps me realize that I am not alone in this journey. May Yahuwah Almighty bless you all. ❤❤❤❤
It’s been 6 months since I went no contact with my mother, I felt the relief and tension lift from my body like heavy fog every single day, like spiritual awakening! I’m grateful for drs who discuss this subject matter and those of you who share your experiences and thoughts because I know I am not alone ❤
I didn't want to control him. I wanted him to control himself.
Good way to put it.
You'll have a very long wait. 😢
He can't help himself.
It's that old story about the poisonous scorpion asking the turtle for a ride across the river. The scorpion was sweet and beguiled the turtle though the turtle had doubts. In the middle of the crossing, the scorpion stings the turtle.
The turtle says, "why did you do that!? Now we will both die. Me from the poison you from drowning." The scorpion said, "It's my nature. I couldn't help myself."
It's the nature of a narcissist to sting. They are EXTREMELY devious. Like the scorpion, I met someone who confessed he was a reformed narcissist. He even wanted to start a group for victims of narcacism and he actually had people want to give him a "ride." I refused.
All the signs were still there. The same controlling, the same superiority and the same: I'm going to head the recovery group, I'm going to control who joins and write the bylaws, I'm going to pay for some account because that gave him control as to who could come to the meeting. They can't help themselves! It's who they are.
Couldn't see that all he had done was convinced himself that he had recovered, and now wanted old victims of abuse to act as his new supply. I'm in charge, I'm in control, my way or the highway dripping out his pours and he still thinks he has recovered. Walk away!
But he used rage to control you, they are this much evil
That was the idea that I had when raising my children. As they got older, I didn't want to control them. I wanted them to learn to control themselves. With a narc it's a whole different ball game!!! Unfortunately 😢😩🙄
My narcissist has been married the entire two and a half years we’ve lived together, we moved in when I thought divorce was imminent (lol) and for the duration of our relationship he has fully financially supported her (she’s not employed) while I support myself entirely. I didn’t expect this dynamic. I’m not allowed to bring it up. Ever. Any time I’ve tried I get horribly emotionally abused. There is no empathy or understanding of my bewilderment and pain at this odd situation. I’m learning to detach lately, watching videos such as these, and it makes me sad. Because the more I detach emotionally from him, the less I love him. In order to protect myself, I had to fall out of love. And now I can really see him for the strange, shrieking, controlling narcissist bully that he is. It’s heartbreaking.
Problem is,,, so many, like myself, cannot afford “ courses”. Or private counseling. Thank GOD FOR YOUR CHANNEL. THANK GOD. ❤❤❤❤
same here! But we will get where we need to be as long as we keep searching for tools to heal
"God is good ALL the time!"😅
My way of dealing with my ex is to ignore him. Even selling the house he wants control even against the judge ruling. Real sick people. Press the ignore button and be happy. Something they can never have my peace is priceless.
The problem could be that a narcissist knows your plans and opinions and will do everything to thwart your success in making them become a reality.
Not when you have independence
Walking away and grey rock is sometimes the only way to maintain your peace.
i have learned that narcissism is a mental mechanism the an individual has adopted that allows them to be correct in whatever they do because they have decided that opposition to them is your or someone else's fault. No one can win that defense so they are virtually incurable!
Very true. Add in an ASD diagnosis (mine) and in their mind that means that they are always right🙄
It’s independence your own independence is your own self control
Bingo!
I very much like that!
Easy enough to say when your physical health is relatively unaffected isn’t it. If you get real sick and find yourself physically dependent on people who just don’t care too much about you, then you might find out that you still have to exercise a great deal of self control despite not having much independence to speak of.
@@hmfogptditfBut never give up, be wise and think forward.
@@hmfogptditf you always have independence it’s not a matter of how much there’s always decisions you can make
Dr C. I feel like I have my narcissistic parents in my head. At 66 I feel like I can’t control my head. I will not hurt me, and I want to. My mothers chronic suicidal threats and patterns of action are in my head as I heal from leaving many narcissistic relationships I am leaving these past few years. It’s big! I am doing it. They want me to fail to need them again. Control by collateral damage installed when i fear my personal struggle will need them. I don’t. And I won’t. And I go at me instead. Unraveling from the inside out. Thank you Dr C for holding truth to keep my decency to me and enjoy others again.
This is so true, I can’t control them, but I know to not ever argue, just remain calm,,, politely get away. I have a narc, I have to communicate with at work,, and it’s only 4 months until I retire,,, I am a very strong woman and I know enough not to play there game. Very good advice , thank you for sharing your knowledge!❤
They keep asking for help its things to keep you occupied constantly. If you get frustrated. They get blame shifting that well you are the problem and neglecting them.
So what ?
That's their problem.
Let them be out of control. Don't care whatever happens to them. 😁
Easier said than done, Yukio 😅
You've got humor 😂 🙏
He tried to "control" the way I did (of all things) the dishes! I ignored him & continued to do the dishes my way.
You do you! 🌹
My nex was like that about almost everything. One peculiarity he had was insisting on having two flat sheets to cover up with. It made making the bed harder, and just seemed nuts to me.
@@Hatbox948 I'm struggling with BP and I just found mine salting my food for prep again. They know, they know. I am keeping my cool, I won't eat more than a couple bites. I called him out. He is also finding ways to add butter. I bought asparagus and prepped it. He waited until it was grilled and added butter but I am not going to eat tablespoons of butter because he decides I need it. And I am sorry, if anyone feels that is acceptable behavior to ask of me! I am not doing it. I feel like he is waiting for me to react and trying to gain control by my compliance.
@@t_nels It seems worse than just control . It could jeopardize your health. You have a right to be upset.
@@Hatbox948 I have felt isolated and (no words) when I confided this to a friend and they told me the benefits of eating butter! I don't see any benefit in it, my bad. In food, okay. Telling me all I need to do is consume more salt and eat butter to improve my health, I don't agree.
I live in Australia but I wish I lived just down the road from you so that I could shake your hand and thank you in person for all the wise advice, freely given. And for those of us who had to leave our four-legged friends behind in order to escape from loony narcissist world, thank you for having Gus in your videos. Bless you Dr. C.
Maybe one day!
Let go and accept them for who they are, accept that you and they are both going to be who each are, accept that the best compromise is accept the futility for what it is and that you can take empowered action for your peace by...letting go
I learned, slowly, but it is still not fun. But I have learned that superficial engagement, reverting to the Southern manner of saying exactly what I am going to do or what I think. The smile makes her insane. My MIL is going down and trying to take everyone with her. I'm a Christian woman, retired nurse, and a realist. We are going to get through this.
Can you say more about “the Southern manner”? I’m curious how it’s done ❤
Power of paradox-I love this -I’ve been doing this for 20years-never had a name for it--trust yourself-Dr Carter is awesome
Glad it resonated!
Yeh my control was to back away, but I've been branded dramatic, emotional, sensitive et cetera When I was still locked into trying to communicate with them they called me aggressive, angry, detached from reality. There was only ever one option available to me if i wanted to be in the family. Collapse into their narratives. Any attempt to raise an issue and communicate leads to more labels and cold shouldering. Which they also DENY. Such a head wreck
They aren't going to let you help or help you figure it out. They are secretive by nature.
I have experience that in my family as well. It sure is a head wreck. We have to find our way in the isolated feeling of that not having a voice to make you feel. I’m reading the comments and it’s great. One person said, I have peace now that not around it and they enjoy their day, so I think that’s a focus. Best to try and start to enjoy our own lives and make her own lives the way we want them to be. And feel happy that the chaos is gone.
The only way you can get them to go along with you is if you revert to their own way of constantly manipulating gossiping controlling them... Which good normal people just dont do. 😂
They are very emotionally immature and mentally limited. They can be intellectually very sharp so they think they're intelligent but their psyche is fractured and their emotional intelligence is underdeveloped and disconnected so there's no cohesion.
The worst is when they get in a group and theyve decided youre the root cause of all their issues. They're dangerous and will stop at nothing to convince everyone and anyone that youre the devil incarnate
@@shingajinga3687 in my family the men have it, they always went with labeling disagreeing women as mentally unstable, grandpa unironically used the word "hysterical". They threatened with asylums but realistically I don't think they'd let any of us anywhere near a psychologist because then they'd get figured out. Just an empty threat to stigmatise you and make you think you're the crazy one. They stigmatise going to a psychologist as well, to make you not go and not talk about it with anyone out of shame.
Good morning everyone and blessings for another day and enlightment of today's discussion on a narcissistic brainwashing person... And Happy Mother's Day in advance to all the Queen's!!
Many thanks for your kindness and good wishes. Wishing health and blessings for everyone!
Magnificent gratitude beautiful SOULS, thanks 4 being here and helping me find strength through leaving 42 years of CONTROL 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 Yippee yippee whoooooo I am FREE❤
I know that has to feel good! Congratulations 🎉
I've told my soon to be ex wife never to contact me ever again and ALL correspondence to the lawyer only.
Fortunately we don't have kids.
Happy Mother's Day to all you mom's out there! ⚘️
You as well 🌷
Thank you, Hatbox. That's very kind of you❣
Hi Hatbox. Nicely said👍I think we have a different date for Mothers day in the UK than in USA and elsewhere.
Hope you are ok
@@sturobertson6791 I am okay. Thank you!
God bless. Happy mother's day 🌹
You are amazing and so helpful. I broke free of my narcissistic workplace stalker by going no contact. He’s like a grown child in his corner somewhat now. I’m sticking to no contact. Works for me! Trying triangulation now and everyone sees him clearly. LOL! I can’t thank you enough! It’s like therapy for free!
I was regularly told I was lying when I gave my opinion on anything, especially how I felt about how I felt about how I was being treated . I would then be told how I really felt and the hidden reason why I said what I said.
Lol, my opinions and feelings were called "egotistical" if they even made it inside their heads, most of the time its like the words don't even make it into their brains, they get flatout ignored. Must be a short-circuit, or closed one rather. Only for "approved content". If they want to behave like children, fine, I'll treat them like the mentally challenged child they are.
I have to control the classroom as a professional. I’m very good at hiding my real triggers. Narcissists will try to take over my classroom and I counteract that by drowning out their deliberate attempts to take control with years of experience.
Thank you so much for getting me through ❤
You are so welcome
You’re a gem, Dr. Carter!
Thank you for sharing your wisdom, and making such an effort to help us empaths understand how to look out for ourselves when dealing with narcissists.
We’re lucky to have you.
narcissists are like venomous spiders.. you can’t keep them 🕷️
@@scharlesnicole Spiders don't manipulate you at least.
@@illyria7756 yes, i wanted to keep a black widow..
@@scharlesnicole maybe just let one live in some strategic place in your garden for when the narcs stop by ;) jk, ofc. But honestly, yes, with any animal you know where you're at with them: if you dont bother them they wont bother you. But with narcs, they will just bother you for their own amusement or supply, just to make you feel bad. Even parasites like mosquitoes and ticks only bother us for food, not their own personal entertainment.
I hope to remember to come back to this video and watch it several times over days and weeks
Gray rock works & it’s how he gave up then left!
Sounds right up my alley. I am working on this subject right now.
THANK YOU DR. C.......I AM SO THANKFUL FOR YOUR ADVICE. I KNOW IT WORKS......BECAUSE I'M STILL ALIVE. 🌹
You are so welcome
3:48 this is so important. We have to focus on ourselves, our happiness and our joy.
I can’t control you, so
I won’t. Wow that feels good 😊
I’m following your advice to the letter Dr C and the narcissist is now begging me to “fall back in love with him”. Um, sorry I can’t do that because I no longer feel love for him after 20 plus years of abuse. I’ll remain on friendly terms if he’s civil to me and carry on living according to my values of decency and truth. Thank you 🤗
Gray rock works best when they leave & if he does stay, watch your back because he’ll up the game by cheating, beating, etc. especially be careful of financial abuse & separate accounts plz
Thank you. I’ve actually got divorce papers drawn up now and I’m deciding when he will receive them. I’m certain he’ll increase his abuse once he knows it’s over and I’m figuring out how to keep myself safe before proceeding.
@@foxglove589well done, foxglove
Thank you! This is personally the most helpful video yet. The approach presented here will cost me a friendship dating back to childhood. But the sad truth I didn't want to see is that the friendship is over -- has been over -- for some time. My friend is currently, misguidedly, abusing a disabled family member. Instead of arguing with her, I need to report her. My friend was abused by her parents and, later, for many years by her first husband. Yet my friend won't admit to her own childhood abuse or seek psychological help. That's the crux of the problem. Fundamentally my friend is a well-meaning person. But she'll never forgive me for turning her in to the local authorities. I can't forgive myself if I don't.
"I can't control you so I won't", committing it to my memory Dr. C, another armour isn't it Team Healthy, many thanks again and again🙏🌷🕊💝🤗
Love your videos! I appreciate how you encourage your viewers to find their own personal freedom and power rather than simply talking about the narcissist's behavior. Thank you!
This is the second message that I got about control today.. What I am taking out of both messages is that it is about control.. I need to put the focus on controlling my life rather than controlling other people's life.. As they try to control me I need to shift my focus off of them and onto me... Good Stuff..
This was excellent
You seem to be a little under the weather
I will be praying for your recovery
You have saved my sanity
No words can describe my gratitude
I embrace the freedom I am learning from your knowledge
I can vouch for this mindset working well; the narcissist feels frustrated because you don't react how they want, and you get a feeling of inner contentment when you resolve to be "you". Thank you Dr. C.
Dr C your an example of a life well lived by service to others, and making a difference, thank you 😊
Two types of folks out there : independent & codependent - independent people have boundaries, more in sight, confidence, freedom & are the controlling Narcs Kryptonite ! Codependent folks struggle with these qualities a lot more & this is where Dr Carter is here to give you all the help you need against these folks. Love your videos! Stand in your own light
Awesome advice, Dr. Carter. Thank you...enjoy your weekend ❤
Thanks for doing what you do, it's very important and appreciated!
This gave me a great epiphany today, thank you. Every person in my life of this type thought they were giving away control, self-described generous people. But they all delegated everything and it had to be done their way. I got attached to being helpful and useful, and the abuse was about criticism of performance no matter how well I actually did.
Such an excellent video!! Thank you Dr C 🙌😁😁 Yes Sir these toxic individuals are ALLLL about control! 🙄🤦
“I CAN’T CONTROL THAT!!!!” Hi to Gus!
Ditto and love u Gus 💓 💗 💖 ❤ 💛 💕
Sometimes icy calm is necessary.
Unfortunately, the narcissist is my eldest adult daughter. We haven't spoken in 3 years because she cut contact with me after I lent her $20,000.00. She's not letting me see my grandchildren. It hurts.
Well some children use your grandchildren for ransom .been there
Brilliant video thankyou.
So simple " I can't control you so I wont"
You can change your life with the narcissist with this beautiful simplicity.
Well said!
I did this and it triggered the final discard.
I watched this and was soon saying it out loud in unison together with you, Dr C! , "I can't control that, so I won't." 😃 Great mantra! Thank you so much for your wonderful, lighthearted wisdom. 🙏 You making learning fun! 😁
I’ve been applying all of these! It’s made a great difference in me, none at all in my partner. When I assert my identity and it doesn’t correspond to her wishes or worldview, she switches to disengagement and goes off to whatever else she has next on her task list. It’s like watching a robot.
Easier say than done, it take times to not engage into specially when the narcissist is around their 50 and has about 40 years of experience being insidious manipulative person. But yes, you're right Dr. Thanks for your time creating this content.
This is probably one of the most frustrating things people say on a regular basis to me: "you can't control X," generally meaning another person. I'm at a complete loss as to why anyone on this planet thinks I have ever believed I can control another person. I don't remember ever believing or thinking I could control another person. In fact, I have been lectured almost equally for *saying* I could not control other people or saying I did not believe it was my role to even attempt to control other people. I'm so tired of being told, "You cannot control other people." At the same time, I've also been exhorted from birth, particularly by my church, on the many ways I was supposed to somehow change other people's behavior. Through example, through love, through correction, through long-suffering patience, through preaching, etc., and if none of those worked, somehow I was the failure. When I said, "That's not going to work; the only people who can change themselves is the person themself because they want to change," instead of being lauded as wise, I got chastised for my negative, unChristlike, lacking-in-faith attitude. I have to say, when it comes to changing other people, my attitude remains the same and is probably even worse. Would I like the power to be able change other people? You bet. Do I think that's a wise power to give people? No. I'd like to rule the universe and be able to make everything go exactly as I want, too. Would that be good for me? Almost certainly not. But, boy, would I love to be able to make some people change. Life would be so much less stressful.
Addictions like food, drugs and alcohol have never been tempting but I can sure see why power over others would be a very slippery, dangerous slope. People have told me my whole life I'm a very patient person. I have not agreed with them and after 60 plus years dealing with narcissists, I feel like I've utterly run out of any shred of patience so the temptation to just zap people if I had the power would be very strong.
Absolutely excellent advice. This is the mindset to keep in the fore thought to stop that set up and parasitic feed off your emotions. Powerful!
This was extremely helpful. Please do more episodes like this. I have watched these videos for a couple of years now, and have learned a lot about narcissistic behavior. Today, I learned more about what I can do. This was extremely helpful.
So pleased that it resonated!
I hope you are healthy and getting the rest you need, Dr Carter. Sounds like you are losing your voice. Thanks for being a light in the fog.
Amen! I figured this a couple years ago- “i can’t control them, but I can control me.” It works.
It doesn’t stop them from their accusations, anger and dis regulation. What it does do, is limit it. They will still say and do things, instead of 10 texts that are 8” long, it becomes one or two because it goes nowhere if you choose not to contribute to it.
Doc, this is a great video!
I started to do this with one of the narcissists in my orbit but wasn't sure if I was just being dispassionate and uncaring (AITA?) or I found a good strategy.
Folks, if you do this, expect some bewilderment and silence from the narcissist while they try to figure ou what you are doing and come up with a new mode of action with you.
Thank you...anger has been my button in dealing with my narc xdil. Signing up!
That is the best way to deal with a narcissist, there is nothing you can control. |
But from me to you at the end of the day, there is not much we actually control, and realising this is a valuable lesson to learn.
I love you Dr. Les! I was painstakingly putting something together but all my notes went flying......thanks for giving me a fresh start and a program!
You are so welcome!
Wonderful!! I have figured this truth out previously 👍.
I have lost a lot of people in my life since that point (not through my actions I hasten to add, but theirs). The way you construct this podcast is great - simple, humble, relevant, kind and loving ♥️. I so appreciate your videos, Dr Carter (You) 🌹.
You are helping a lot of people out there to find and live their truth. It seems these days that the 'irreplaceable' virtue of 'Truth' is more under attack in the present day than ever before.
May God Bless and Keep You and Your Loved Ones Always. 🌹🙏🙏🙏
Oh definitely Dr Carter. I have definitely got that straight with me and narc. First of all, I never wanted to " control " people. And I can't allow anyone to " take" or try to control me. Been through that before. I'm older and I can't " study " that with them. I walk away when a cycle of crap starts. I don't have to explain or justify it. That choice belongs to me. They chose how they will be. If there is respect and accept that they can't control my life and all about me, and cause stress and turmoil, disengage. I have to take care of me. ❤❤❤
Thank you for taking the time to reply,your input is appreciated as it is continually tough
I have a saying which helps me. Don't expect what can't or won't be given.
This is an answer to my prayers on how to deal with my daughter. Thank you, thank you, thank you.