@@CoachKen over two years and she is the last thing I think of when I go to sleep and the first thing that pops into my head when I wake. A 30 year marriage is a hard fade - Dammit!
Great video, I was in a beautiful marriage before my now ex wife left me,i still love her and most times i cant stop thinking about her, i am doing my very best to get rid of the thought of her, but i just cant, i love her so much, i dont know why i am bring this here for, i cant stop thinking about her
I have new video coming out today that helps specifically with the sense of being overwhelmed and flooded with obsessive thoughts and relentless hurt. It won't make as much sense to say it this simply but you have to consistently and sincerely let yourself remember the flaws and negatives about being with her. Your mind will idealize her after the breakup and you go into what I refer to as a dark limerence stage that can really paralyze you in terms of daily functionality.
I went in no contact for a year and a half. I deleted him off social media and his number as well. Never reached out once. I spent my time healing myself, understanding my attachment styles, inner child healing etc. It was a beautiful journey finding me again. Two days ago, I got a IG request from him. I accepted it but I didnt message him. Him reaching out indirectly doesnt mean anything. Im reminding myself that I am worthy and Ive worked so hard loving myself. Thank you for the reminder to stay on my path.
On day 27 here. Wow, I remember almost counting the hours the first three days, feeling so weak. I still miss him like hell, I still haven't heard from him and I don't expect to hear from him any time soon. But I respect that he can't be with me, at least not now. It's a wierd and atypical no contact story and I wish I had the money to get a coaching call. Lord knows I could use it! Still, these videos help so much ❤
@coach Ken, You've done a lot of outstanding videos overtime on various subjects relating to relationships and breakups, and specifically around those who have specific disorders. This may be your finest video from start to finish of a subject matter that cuts across every demographic, every genre, every concern, and every broken heart that may be out there that needs to hear this message. In this message, I just wanted to call this out. Folks, if you need common sense advice, based on facts and reality, not false hope, you owe to yourself to give Coach Ken a call and set up some time to speak with him about your situation. Brilliance is in simplicity. Every penny that you'll spend with Ken, has a higher value than you'll have with anybody else. Call Ken. You won't regret your decision
Thanks for the vid coach :) I had been struggling with no contact in these three months since we broke up, broke it a few times as well. This video was a great help, made me think I was going crazy during all these sleepless nights. Maybe it's too late for me now, but at least I can use no contact to heal and move on better and stronger. Thanks :)
Most people break it a few times - not a deal breaker unless you did it to an abnormal extreme degree - usually it just hits the delay button and takes longer for them to actually start to believe you might be strong enough to move on from them
That 4th point hit home to me so much-been holding on to the painful memories and replaying them in my mind as a way to hold onto her. Thanks for the extra strength to remind myself it isn’t productive.🤘🏼
Good advice sir. I’ve watched several of your videos about no contact which is the position I’m in now. You have been spot on. Thank you so much. You’ve helped me more than you know.
Hi Coach Ken the last part of what you are saying makes a lot of sense. I just want to add also that it feels like when im making progress and feeling better it almost feeks like they will be feeling better too and moving on . So by going back to the heartache and obsessively thinking about them its as if you are holding them closer to you it feels if you concentrate on your own progress they will get further away. Like i feel better so they must be feeling better too. Its all fear based . This fucking sucks.
Man bud, you spoke what I had been thinking for sometime now. The part of scared to move on cause I'm scared of not ending up with her! I been thinking that I was nuts or something! So to hear you say it the exact way I was thinking it really gave me some relief man. Thanks for all your advice and wisdom. Greatly appreciate it
Some really interesting & useful points, some of which I haven’t heard discussed in this way in the endless content I’ve viewed (as you do in this time). Timely & helpful for me right now, so thanks!
I’m in that no man’s land nightmare of numbness one moment to anxiety the next. I know it’s not a linear path but I’m exhausted trying to go through the steps and wondering if he’s worth it. Like fighting alcoholism but not really liking the taste of it 🥰
Yes - natural instinct to fight through those moments - the up and down make it more maddening, but it helps slightly to know it's a normal thing and to give yourself permission to nt decide what you're going to do until they come back.
My wife and I are separated and I've been using no contact. She came home the other day to pick up a few things and some clothes and was concerned about why I didn't reply to her text. I found out she has been using no contact as well in hopes that I will miss her. I took the news of her leaving very bad and not like a dude who will never miss her so this is very confusing. Not to mention we had the best sex we've had in years when she came by the other day.
Thank you for the encouragement 🙏🥰your help is appreciated 🙏🥰My family and friends, he knows better then to draw them in, they won’t play, all he has is his loosers, that don’t know me, except lies😭😭😢🥰🙏painful 😭Wouldn’t lift a finger before, why would I expect anything now, over 2 months, hasn’t called,their evil has no limits, straight from a horror movie Yep happy with loose women Wants me to chase him, to think he has someone, he stayed out, told him it’s over. You get nowhere with a narc, his pride, stubbornness and slander are more important Who knows which ex he is with?
I went completely off social media going on 3 weeks I went into no contact April 22 the wife text me on the 23 and said she wanted to be left be so I never responded to her message I miss her we been married almost 3 years it will be 3 years August the 3rd just hoping she comes back I am working on myself
I heard the the " I just want to be left alone". I've even said it my self and has it said to me. And for the time being, believe her. At this moment, she is emotional checked out.
Yeah, I desperately don't want to give up...and I can live without him...but I would like to be friends someday & would like to be reassured that we will be...he has never been friends with an ex....I always have stayed friends (after a while)....so I don't NEED to be with him...but I do feel like I NEED to have him in life in some way. :(
it's so hard to not look at their social media, I'm gonna start rewarding myself each time I can go longer than a period of time without looking I'll reward myself with something I've been wanting. Maybe that will motivate me bc idk what else to do, a lot of people say to block them but I don't want that. I had the willpower to unfriend him on snapchat bc his snap score was the main thing affecting me but I don't want to block and unfriend on fb too. /:
Mj Gray, I left a comment last night on your question and it didn't post, it seems. Coach Ken is NO scam. He is the real deal. Ken has helped me many times with smart, brilliant advice. Set up a call with Ken today and don't look back. It will be one of the best decisions you've ever made.
Great Content as always! Number 3 - Repeated Contact from your Ex during NC - I never heard anyone else talk about this, on any other “break-up channel”!!! This might be worth a dedicated video, since it happens to so many people and yet nobody talks about it! For example: My ex calls me every 4 - 5 weeks, with no real reasons for the call, sometimes in the middle of the night… Then we talk for 2 - 3 hours and at the end I ask if she wants to meet up for a walk or coffee - she always says MAYBE but never actually brings it up again. So, you´re basically saying, that each time we have contact during NC on the phone (and not in person) the stopwatch for “No Contact” starts from zero? I really don´t have a clue how to react properly. Should I just keep it short next time, telling her I have no time to talk and she could call again when she wants to meet up in person?!?
Thank you for answering that one question I couldn't figure out. Should I respond when she contacts me. But, I have a daughter and grandchildren. I can't not see them. My daughter knows I want her mother back.
So what if my ex is saying she’s sorry for everything and feels stupid and said she realized the breakup was a mistake but still says maybe not just yet because she hasn’t made much progress on her self
Uncertainty = not certain she wants to be with you = I'm doing no contact in that scenario. But believe me I understand why that one can feel more frustrating and confusing.
With no contact, what happens when they leave majority of their stuff here? I’ll be forced to see them at some point… still no idea when they plan on returning for the rest of it
It's like still being married to them but married to they're memory. My ex still keeps his wedding ring & a pic of me holding our son the day he was born 12 yrs ago in his wallet. It hurts me to know he's still hurting but I HAD TO GO NO CONTACT! He was abusive. I divorced him 8 yrs ago.
"It's like still being married to them but married to their memory" - really good. And its like being married to only the best memories of them in some moments so you have to almost force yourself to remember the aspects that help you have the strength to walk away if they refuse to change abusive behavior.
Been doing it for 18 months now since the last time. I noticed his eyes were watering and he could not say anything that I could understand. I just left. Was that a Mistake? I made a promise to God not to go back there and I haven't. I have no intention of it. I look at his picture and feel nothing. I guess that's a good part of healing.
@Coach Ken How important is the conversation that leads to no contact? In my case she told me she's not ready to see me or hear from me. At one point she said she would cry if she saw me. She says she still loves me but knows it's unhealthy for her to be with me. She says we argue too much and rarely have happy moments. I promised her that I would respect her wishes and not message her until she messages me. I told her I would be there for her if she needed anything because I care about her. Does promising to not contact her damage the effectiveness of no contact? If she reaches out, should I ignore her message for a while and stay in no contact anyway?
How often do you see dumpers that sound or seem very confused? I was recently dumped and was able to keep pretty calm through the phone call i.e. no begging or pleading. Now I wasn't perfect, I did try to reason with her shortly. Then I just switched gears and I repeatedly told her: "I disagree, I respect your decision, reach out if you reconsider." She seemed very conflicted: asking if I hated her, if I would ever talk to her again, if we could be friends, if I saw her on the street would I say hi (very insistent on this part), would I answer her texts, that I could call her later to talk about the breakup, that she didn't want me thinking I did anything wrong, that I made her feel beautiful. She brought up how we've known each other for almost 2 years. She said: "maybe I'll regret this in a couple weeks." I almost scoffed out loud at this. Like if she wanted to dump me out of the blue, I'd hope she would have considered it for a long time before. Especially because there's no guarantee, I'd take her back. We ended the call with a "Have a good weekend." She said "See you later." I've been in strict no contact since (for about 3 weeks.) While I would like to continue that relationship, I have no problem moving on after I take some time to heal. Maybe she could sense that or something. But her confusion also left me very confused.
Very often - take the confusion as a good sign that there's clearly still feelings there - it's better to do NC while there's still more emotion that to fight to hold on and slowly drain what was left
This is exactly what is happening to me right now. He broke up with me in January after an 8y relationship (no kids, we’re turning 39 and 40 this year) and I do love him very much but since then I went NC and I am trying to heal and work on myself but he texts me every cca 10-15 days something random, I reply politely and don’t hold the conversation. And I have told him that I’m not interested in being friends as that is what he has mentioned in prior months. Why would he still do that if he has no intention of reconsiliation? I’m really confused.
Hey coach Ken, my ex (not sure if she is BPD, but could be) reached out after 50days of NC (I was blocked everywhere) we were in a long distance relationship for 7 months. Did my best to make her happy and she left because "i had no job". Now she is back talking to me, we talk everyday, sometimes we fall asleep on phone... but i believe we are "friends" atm, she talks a lot, so there could be something more but i'm not sure what to do, since it was a long distance relationship, I didn't want to tell her the classic "sorry no friendship, call me if you change ur mind". But i feel we are again kinda close, just we don't plan to meet, and we don't talk about relationship anymore... what do ? i'm scared to loose her again if i let her know what i want, i wish that it would be her idea. thanks !
Phone is to set up dates! Be with her in person and stop talking so much on the phone that sounds actually boring, falling asleep with someone on the phone...too much talking bruv
It can be scary when you get enough contact to stop no contact but not enough to close the distance. If the meet up is a challenge as difficult as it can be pulling back slightly and not letting her have the benefit of your presence can help them get enough sense of loss to pull closer. But I know it's a challenge
@@CoachKen yes it's exactly what she is having now, benefit of my presence... calling and talking, showed some regret about what she did, but never ask to get back to the relationship or to meet up... i will try to pull back a little bit and see what happen :'( thanks
If they keep on contacting me only regarding our common finances, should I keep contact? But they keep on contacting me using bank excuses or house excuses. What do I do here?
Pull back more - she might be using consistent contact just enough to keep herself from feeling like you're really gone - but once she knows you're still in her orbit she feels reassured enough to pull away again.
Wait, so if they keep contacting during NC like every month for example and you can't ignore them.. do you just keep it short and casual like what you normally do? or how do you pull back? Because i'm assuming each time they contact you and you respond they feel like your still there but you can't ignore them? Very confusing.
Don’t respond at all, unless they are giving you a message that they want you back or if they ask to talk with you. Even then, tread very carefully; don’t respond immediately, and don’t give too much info as to how you’re doing. If they give you ‘breadcrumbs’ like “I miss you”, or “How are you”, or some other ‘odd’ out of the blue message, then ignore it!
@@par5417 that's an irresponsible reply. You don't know exactly how hes saying it or whether there is any intent or emotion behind it. Dont just repeat generalized talking points without knowing everything.
@@sloanmagnum5009 No, no i dont. They only asked one question, which I answered. Though the fact they are asking this here, there's obviously more to it. Eg. Don't sit at the lunchtime table with her being one. What's your responsible take ?
I went into NO CONTACT when my ex broke up with me and she hasnt reached out only on my birthday which was about 4 weeks ago. But since then she has been viewing my social media stroies. Am quite a busy person during the week but when i go out with my friends on weekends we do have fun. My friends and i went to another city for a concert and to party then I posted a story on one of my social media of the outfit i was wearing before leaving the hotel room and she blocked me after viewing the story. but she hasnt blocked me on other social media platform and continues to view my stories. Please what does that mean? help.
Did you ever dress nice for her? Did you ever bring her to concerts or parties? Did you ever bring her around your friends while you were having fun so you could have fun with her as well? You said you're a busy person. Did you spend enough quality time with your ex? Did she feel neglected? Did you start to act different once she broke up with you? She might only be keeping social media tabs on you to confirm she made the right decision or to see if you're saying bad or good things about her, or mentioning the breakup in anyway.
Good - in that scenario it usually (not always) means it bothered her to see you doing well - keep doing it. blocking doesn't actually always mean they don't care - a lot of times its like the fat person dieting who throws out the donuts (been there) because seeing what they want makes miss it more
@Coach Ken, ive been in no contact with her for a month, 3 weeks after the breakup i removed our pics from social media bc they were making me depressed, and that day i noticed she did the same and hides her stories from me now. Did doing this hurt my chances? I didnt delete them just archived them bc i was depressed.
@@LawinReborn trust me dude I know the feeling but if they need their space to process and understand their own emotions, give it to them. I’m 27 days NC with my girl of 7 years and I struggle daily to hold myself back. Let them miss you. Don’t restart the clock. And if they don’t come back, that silence is the only answer you need.
When I go sleep I’m fine,when I wake up in the morning it hits me back like a wrecking ball
Normal - nights, mornings and long drives are the worst
@@CoachKen over two years and she is the last thing I think of when I go to sleep and the first thing that pops into my head when I wake. A 30 year marriage is a hard fade - Dammit!
The worst feeling in the world. Like waking up and remembering.... oh yeah, this is my life now. 😢
@NormRyan I hear u. Same situation, 24 years here
I know what you mean
Great video, I was in a beautiful marriage before my now ex wife left me,i still love her and most times i cant stop thinking about her, i am doing my very best to get rid of the thought of her, but i just cant, i love her so much, i dont know why i am bring this here for, i cant stop thinking about her
@jay pritchett wow, how did you get a spiritual adviser, and how do i reach her?
@jay pritchett Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive.
I have new video coming out today that helps specifically with the sense of being overwhelmed and flooded with obsessive thoughts and relentless hurt. It won't make as much sense to say it this simply but you have to consistently and sincerely let yourself remember the flaws and negatives about being with her. Your mind will idealize her after the breakup and you go into what I refer to as a dark limerence stage that can really paralyze you in terms of daily functionality.
@@CoachKen thank you
I am wishing you well, my brother-I feel your pain
I went in no contact for a year and a half. I deleted him off social media and his number as well. Never reached out once. I spent my time healing myself, understanding my attachment styles, inner child healing etc. It was a beautiful journey finding me again.
Two days ago, I got a IG request from him. I accepted it but I didnt message him. Him reaching out indirectly doesnt mean anything. Im reminding myself that I am worthy and Ive worked so hard loving myself.
Thank you for the reminder to stay on my path.
On day 27 here. Wow, I remember almost counting the hours the first three days, feeling so weak.
I still miss him like hell, I still haven't heard from him and I don't expect to hear from him any time soon. But I respect that he can't be with me, at least not now.
It's a wierd and atypical no contact story and I wish I had the money to get a coaching call. Lord knows I could use it!
Still, these videos help so much ❤
@coach Ken, You've done a lot of outstanding videos overtime on various subjects relating to relationships and breakups, and specifically around those who have specific disorders. This may be your finest video from start to finish of a subject matter that cuts across every demographic, every genre, every concern, and every broken heart that may be out there that needs to hear this message. In this message, I just wanted to call this out. Folks, if you need common sense advice, based on facts and reality, not false hope, you owe to yourself to give Coach Ken a call and set up some time to speak with him about your situation. Brilliance is in simplicity. Every penny that you'll spend with Ken, has a higher value than you'll have with anybody else. Call Ken. You won't regret your decision
A1qoeu1
Just what I needed to hear at this moment in time….especially your 4th and last point. You are always right on.
Thanks for the comment and encouragement Billy! Hope things are well
Thanks for the vid coach :)
I had been struggling with no contact in these three months since we broke up, broke it a few times as well.
This video was a great help, made me think I was going crazy during all these sleepless nights.
Maybe it's too late for me now, but at least I can use no contact to heal and move on better and stronger.
Thanks :)
Most people break it a few times - not a deal breaker unless you did it to an abnormal extreme degree - usually it just hits the delay button and takes longer for them to actually start to believe you might be strong enough to move on from them
That 4th point hit home to me so much-been holding on to the painful memories and replaying them in my mind as a way to hold onto her. Thanks for the extra strength to remind myself it isn’t productive.🤘🏼
Good advice sir. I’ve watched several of your videos about no contact which is the position I’m in now. You have been spot on. Thank you so much. You’ve helped me more than you know.
Hi Coach Ken the last part of what you are saying makes a lot of sense. I just want to add also that it feels like when im making progress and feeling better it almost feeks like they will be feeling better too and moving on . So by going back to the heartache and obsessively thinking about them its as if you are holding them closer to you it feels if you concentrate on your own progress they will get further away. Like i feel better so they must be feeling better too. Its all fear based . This fucking sucks.
YES - it does - and yes, great add on to that last point!
Man bud, you spoke what I had been thinking for sometime now. The part of scared to move on cause I'm scared of not ending up with her! I been thinking that I was nuts or something! So to hear you say it the exact way I was thinking it really gave me some relief man. Thanks for all your advice and wisdom. Greatly appreciate it
Thanks Dustin!
@@CoachKenI know I'm a little late LOL but thank you! I love how you break things down in terms that people can relate to
I love your videos coach Ken!! You are amazing with your words and direction.
Thank you Marybeth - very kind of you to say!
This was a much needed video. Not enough people cover these.
please do more on no contact if ex is BPD :)
Will do next video on that
Loving your content, Ken. Thank you.
Some really interesting & useful points, some of which I haven’t heard discussed in this way in the endless content I’ve viewed (as you do in this time). Timely & helpful for me right now, so thanks!
Thanks Michael - much appreciated!
Great video Coach Ken. In a year from now when you get discovered and go viral my comment will get buried lol
From your keyboard to God's ear - I'll remember the comment though - no doubt
I’m in that no man’s land nightmare of numbness one moment to anxiety the next. I know it’s not a linear path but I’m exhausted trying to go through the steps and wondering if he’s worth it. Like fighting alcoholism but not really liking the taste of it 🥰
Yes - natural instinct to fight through those moments - the up and down make it more maddening, but it helps slightly to know it's a normal thing and to give yourself permission to nt decide what you're going to do until they come back.
Thank you coach Ken...... once again I'm in the shit...... will arrange a call this week.
Looking forward to it!
My wife and I are separated and I've been using no contact. She came home the other day to pick up a few things and some clothes and was concerned about why I didn't reply to her text. I found out she has been using no contact as well in hopes that I will miss her. I took the news of her leaving very bad and not like a dude who will never miss her so this is very confusing. Not to mention we had the best sex we've had in years when she came by the other day.
Thank you for the encouragement 🙏🥰your help is appreciated 🙏🥰My family and friends, he knows better then to draw them in, they won’t play, all he has is his loosers, that don’t know me, except lies😭😭😢🥰🙏painful 😭Wouldn’t lift a finger before, why would I expect anything now, over 2 months, hasn’t called,their evil has no limits, straight from a horror movie
Yep happy with loose women
Wants me to chase him, to think he has someone, he stayed out, told him it’s over.
You get nowhere with a narc, his pride, stubbornness and slander are more important
Who knows which ex he is with?
I sincerely don't stalk. My time is more valuable than that.
You have really helped me . Thankyou
I went completely off social media going on 3 weeks I went into no contact April 22 the wife text me on the 23 and said she wanted to be left be so I never responded to her message I miss her we been married almost 3 years it will be 3 years August the 3rd just hoping she comes back I am working on myself
Congratulations on your work ethic and I hope it goes how you want it to
I heard the the " I just want to be left alone". I've even said it my self and has it said to me. And for the time being, believe her. At this moment, she is emotional checked out.
@@sloanmagnum5009 This person is aware of the situation, no generalised reply is needed.
Thanks guys yes I went off social media and all I am working on
Myself as well
I'm sorry MJ - let me know if I can help dotheyloveme.com - It's early. - give NC a chance - it can work when it feels like nothing will
💚 I so want to look at his social media but i wont too painful💚
Yeah, I desperately don't want to give up...and I can live without him...but I would like to be friends someday & would like to be reassured that we will be...he has never been friends with an ex....I always have stayed friends (after a while)....so I don't NEED to be with him...but I do feel like I NEED to have him in life in some way. :(
what to do if friends already did sabotage everything and i was actually in no contact for 4 months what do i do?
it's so hard to not look at their social media, I'm gonna start rewarding myself each time I can go longer than a period of time without looking I'll reward myself with something I've been wanting. Maybe that will motivate me bc idk what else to do, a lot of people say to block them but I don't want that. I had the willpower to unfriend him on snapchat bc his snap score was the main thing affecting me but I don't want to block and unfriend on fb too. /:
Has anyone in here had a coach call with mr ken I am thinking about having one but I wanna make sure this ain’t a scam
I've had thousands of call with me on the line - and I can promise you I'm not a scam, but I don't blame you for asking :)
Mj Gray, I left a comment last night on your question and it didn't post, it seems. Coach Ken is NO scam. He is the real deal. Ken has helped me many times with smart, brilliant advice.
Set up a call with Ken today and don't look back. It will be one of the best decisions you've ever made.
I will soon I don’t get paid till the 2nd but I really need a call
Great video, just what I needed to hear , thanks a lot
Thanks Alex!
Great Content as always!
Number 3 - Repeated Contact from your Ex during NC - I never heard anyone else talk about this, on any other “break-up channel”!!!
This might be worth a dedicated video, since it happens to so many people and yet nobody talks about it!
For example: My ex calls me every 4 - 5 weeks, with no real reasons for the call, sometimes in the middle of the night…
Then we talk for 2 - 3 hours and at the end I ask if she wants to meet up for a walk or coffee - she always says MAYBE but never actually brings it up again.
So, you´re basically saying, that each time we have contact during NC on the phone (and not in person) the stopwatch for “No Contact” starts from zero?
I really don´t have a clue how to react properly. Should I just keep it short next time, telling her I have no time to talk and she could call again when she wants to meet up in person?!?
Thank you ❤
Thank you for answering that one question I couldn't figure out. Should I respond when she contacts me. But, I have a daughter and grandchildren. I can't not see them. My daughter knows I want her mother back.
So what if my ex is saying she’s sorry for everything and feels stupid and said she realized the breakup was a mistake but still says maybe not just yet because she hasn’t made much progress on her self
Uncertainty = not certain she wants to be with you = I'm doing no contact in that scenario. But believe me I understand why that one can feel more frustrating and confusing.
With no contact, what happens when they leave majority of their stuff here? I’ll be forced to see them at some point… still no idea when they plan on returning for the rest of it
It’s been 5 months, and I’m wondering if he’ll ever call or if that was it. . We were off and on. 😔
I really liked it!
It's like still being married to them but married to they're memory. My ex still keeps his wedding ring & a pic of me holding our son the day he was born 12 yrs ago in his wallet. It hurts me to know he's still hurting but I HAD TO GO NO CONTACT! He was abusive. I divorced him 8 yrs ago.
"It's like still being married to them but married to their memory" - really good. And its like being married to only the best memories of them in some moments so you have to almost force yourself to remember the aspects that help you have the strength to walk away if they refuse to change abusive behavior.
Been doing it for 18 months now since the last time. I noticed his eyes were watering and he could not say anything that I could understand. I just left. Was that a Mistake? I made a promise to God not to go back there and I haven't. I have no intention of it. I look at his picture and feel nothing. I guess that's a good part of healing.
Numb is normal after deep repeated hurt - subconscious protecting you from more pain like an emotional scab
@Coach Ken
How important is the conversation that leads to no contact? In my case she told me she's not ready to see me or hear from me. At one point she said she would cry if she saw me. She says she still loves me but knows it's unhealthy for her to be with me. She says we argue too much and rarely have happy moments. I promised her that I would respect her wishes and not message her until she messages me. I told her I would be there for her if she needed anything because I care about her. Does promising to not contact her damage the effectiveness of no contact? If she reaches out, should I ignore her message for a while and stay in no contact anyway?
How do you do no contact/detach when you not only work with this person but they're your boss?
How often do you see dumpers that sound or seem very confused?
I was recently dumped and was able to keep pretty calm through the phone call i.e. no begging or pleading. Now I wasn't perfect, I did try to reason with her shortly. Then I just switched gears and I repeatedly told her: "I disagree, I respect your decision, reach out if you reconsider." She seemed very conflicted: asking if I hated her, if I would ever talk to her again, if we could be friends, if I saw her on the street would I say hi (very insistent on this part), would I answer her texts, that I could call her later to talk about the breakup, that she didn't want me thinking I did anything wrong, that I made her feel beautiful. She brought up how we've known each other for almost 2 years. She said: "maybe I'll regret this in a couple weeks." I almost scoffed out loud at this. Like if she wanted to dump me out of the blue, I'd hope she would have considered it for a long time before. Especially because there's no guarantee, I'd take her back. We ended the call with a "Have a good weekend." She said "See you later."
I've been in strict no contact since (for about 3 weeks.) While I would like to continue that relationship, I have no problem moving on after I take some time to heal. Maybe she could sense that or something. But her confusion also left me very confused.
Very often - take the confusion as a good sign that there's clearly still feelings there - it's better to do NC while there's still more emotion that to fight to hold on and slowly drain what was left
@@CoachKen Thanks for the response! Your content is very helpful and with NC, no matter the outcome, I know I'll be stronger on the otherside.
This is exactly what is happening to me right now. He broke up with me in January after an 8y relationship (no kids, we’re turning 39 and 40 this year) and I do love him very much but since then I went NC and I am trying to heal and work on myself but he texts me every cca 10-15 days something random, I reply politely and don’t hold the conversation. And I have told him that I’m not interested in being friends as that is what he has mentioned in prior months. Why would he still do that if he has no intention of reconsiliation? I’m really confused.
By not blocking everything. whatsspp socials etc.. you are recycling the relation.
Hey coach Ken, my ex (not sure if she is BPD, but could be) reached out after 50days of NC (I was blocked everywhere) we were in a long distance relationship for 7 months. Did my best to make her happy and she left because "i had no job". Now she is back talking to me, we talk everyday, sometimes we fall asleep on phone... but i believe we are "friends" atm, she talks a lot, so there could be something more but i'm not sure what to do, since it was a long distance relationship, I didn't want to tell her the classic "sorry no friendship, call me if you change ur mind". But i feel we are again kinda close, just we don't plan to meet, and we don't talk about relationship anymore... what do ? i'm scared to loose her again if i let her know what i want, i wish that it would be her idea. thanks !
Phone is to set up dates! Be with her in person and stop talking so much on the phone that sounds actually boring, falling asleep with someone on the phone...too much talking bruv
@@BBD1 she lives very far we can't set a date as we want even if we wanted to
It can be scary when you get enough contact to stop no contact but not enough to close the distance. If the meet up is a challenge as difficult as it can be pulling back slightly and not letting her have the benefit of your presence can help them get enough sense of loss to pull closer. But I know it's a challenge
@@CoachKen yes it's exactly what she is having now, benefit of my presence... calling and talking, showed some regret about what she did, but never ask to get back to the relationship or to meet up... i will try to pull back a little bit and see what happen :'( thanks
If they keep on contacting me only regarding our common finances, should I keep contact?
But they keep on contacting me using bank excuses or house excuses. What do I do here?
Pull back more - she might be using consistent contact just enough to keep herself from feeling like you're really gone - but once she knows you're still in her orbit she feels reassured enough to pull away again.
Its a he, i am the she. :). But thanks :)
Wait, so if they keep contacting during NC like every month for example and you can't ignore them.. do you just keep it short and casual like what you normally do? or how do you pull back? Because i'm assuming each time they contact you and you respond they feel like your still there but you can't ignore them? Very confusing.
Don’t respond at all, unless they are giving you a message that they want you back or if they ask to talk with you. Even then, tread very carefully; don’t respond immediately, and don’t give too much info as to how you’re doing. If they give you ‘breadcrumbs’ like “I miss you”, or “How are you”, or some other ‘odd’ out of the blue message, then ignore it!
SPOT ON!! unfortunately I work with my person is it wrong to say good morning when we pass each other?
I don't think so, it shows Indifference/strength though you will be burning inside I am sure. Hard situation right there. Wish you well
@@par5417 that's an irresponsible reply. You don't know exactly how hes saying it or whether there is any intent or emotion behind it. Dont just repeat generalized talking points without knowing everything.
@@sloanmagnum5009 No, no i dont. They only asked one question, which I answered. Though the fact they are asking this here, there's obviously more to it. Eg. Don't sit at the lunchtime table with her being one.
What's your responsible take ?
Not wrong - actually good. Relaxed, confident and warm - but brief - like you'd treat anyone else
THANK YOU COACH KEN, for responding it really means a lot !!
I went into NO CONTACT when my ex broke up with me and she hasnt reached out only on my birthday which was about 4 weeks ago. But since then she has been viewing my social media stroies.
Am quite a busy person during the week but when i go out with my friends on weekends we do have fun. My friends and i went to another city for a concert and to party then I posted a story on one of my social media of the outfit i was wearing before leaving the hotel room and she blocked me after viewing the story. but she hasnt blocked me on other social media platform and continues to view my stories.
Please what does that mean? help.
Did you ever dress nice for her? Did you ever bring her to concerts or parties? Did you ever bring her around your friends while you were having fun so you could have fun with her as well? You said you're a busy person. Did you spend enough quality time with your ex? Did she feel neglected? Did you start to act different once she broke up with you? She might only be keeping social media tabs on you to confirm she made the right decision or to see if you're saying bad or good things about her, or mentioning the breakup in anyway.
Good - in that scenario it usually (not always) means it bothered her to see you doing well - keep doing it. blocking doesn't actually always mean they don't care - a lot of times its like the fat person dieting who throws out the donuts (been there) because seeing what they want makes miss it more
@@CoachKenWow thank you so much coach for giving me more insight i really appreciate it! Viewing it from that angle makes more sense to me now.
@Coach Ken, ive been in no contact with her for a month, 3 weeks after the breakup i removed our pics from social media bc they were making me depressed, and that day i noticed she did the same and hides her stories from me now. Did doing this hurt my chances? I didnt delete them just archived them bc i was depressed.
Should we do NC if it worked once, two years ago?
Yes
Oh man. 2 months of NC sabotaged
SM stalking dosent = NC
😮
Insane waste of time. They get treatment or move on.
My ex broke up with me cause lack of effort. Im contacting my ex, after a bit more than 3 weeks of no contact. Wish me luck guys. I dont care anymore
Don’t do it bro. Stay strong. Time will heal all wounds.
@@youngmarine101 I dont see the point anymore man. If I have to stay away for months to get someone to wanna talk to me then its not for me.
@@LawinReborn trust me dude I know the feeling but if they need their space to process and understand their own emotions, give it to them. I’m 27 days NC with my girl of 7 years and I struggle daily to hold myself back. Let them miss you. Don’t restart the clock. And if they don’t come back, that silence is the only answer you need.
GREAT video Ken! I really enjoyed listening to you. 👍
@LawinReborn I actually do understand this side of it. Do I agree ? I can't say, as I don't know the situation. I like your "fu*kit" attitude.
Use you as the "Fallback" Guy or Girl! As he said, their safety net.