Hello Amber, the 1st video I watched of yours had me in tears and made me think "I'm not crazy" since they make you feel that way. And I'm the bad guy. It's extremely hard not to be when dealing with their behavior. Feeling the hurt and the resentment so when I hear be nice and supportive it's so unfair, but I get it. It's just hard to do. I never thought he'd be this person. Your thinking I'm safe and I'm loved and we're happy until one day... everything changed. And your like who is this and then your saying who am I. I don't like what we've become. I'm struggling to make it work and he's said he wants to quit but we're going on 4 years now. And I'm writing because it seems hopeless. He's in this routine and it's impossible to talk to him, about anything, like he just wants left alone and I'm so tired of being alone. It's like if I want peace I have to just do everything alone and who gets married to be alone (been together 7-ish years). I'm at the point where I'm confused and tired. I know he loves me although he doesn't show it but he doesn't show much of anything other than wanting to ignore life, to zone out after work. And it's not like I haven't been nice or done nice things for him... it's like a roller coaster. I'm just at a loss but I'll keep watching your video to find some answers but I think a lot about leaving. My dad was an alcoholic (RIP) and my 1st husband (RIP) and my sister died from addiction so you can see my level of anxiety about this.
Thanks Amber! Your videos continue to help me with my own mental health while dealing with my son’s addiction. As the years go by and the sadness continues, it is good to remember that relationship matters. The Bible says , “Do not let kindness and truth leave you….” We often get one OR the other. Both are needed.
What happens when they have the change talk and you use these steps you are talking about here, and they just never move any further. They shut every opportunity down from everyone and everything? They just push me away with my positive talk to them. They will say they aren't a child they know what I am doing trying to fix them. So... then what?
@@Julie-p1d That is the sadness that continues. I have chosen to continue to interact with kindness and truth. Doesn’t mean it is received or appreciated. I am accused of all kinds of stuff. It’s a mess he has made. It is what it is. The truths they don’t want to hear need to be said anyway, silence can be golden too. You agree you can’t fix them. I know it’s hard because they push hard and it hurts. And the sadness continues…
What about someone with a mental illness like schizoaffective disorder and also an addict? Is there a video about that? Can you make one if there isn't? I'm so curious your thoughts on that!
What happens when they DONT talk about it at all. Its been addressed but never spoken about again, like the one thing thats off limits to talk about. That, and I dont think hes ever in the mindset to address it.
@Quartzone6145 There's only so much "hoping" what it COULD be like, there's also only so much greif a person can continue to go through while in the relationship where it will push you to your witts end. It's like the addict just doesn't get the issue, especially when they're messed up. It's very frustrating. I hate you're going through the same, especially when you're stuck. But, you're never really stuck, don't make any more threats, make a silent plan. Especially if your person doesn't think you have the means to leave, they think they have the control, and that's not true. Do you have a friend or parents you can go to while working to save some money up?
Same here, he just doesn't want to change anything. He is so poorly and has just shut down all emotion. Sad to see my gorgeous man disappear in front of my eyes. I can't reach him.
@kateforeman2272 :( I really felt that "watched him disappear, and I can't reach him". Addicts just don't have the emotional capacity. They don't understand why you cry (nevermind it's the fact they MADE you cry) their brain is in a whole new playing field, and love is no longer enough. Love won't save them, only they can make that choice so I say, if he continues to use and not have any kind of plan, leave. (Which really sucks)
Thank you for all the information that you give families. It's so appreciated. Any advice for parents with adult children that don't live at home and avoid us when they are using.
I've known many addicts in my life, hell, I am one myself and I'll tell you the most important thing about reasoning with an addict. There is nothing you can do, your best bet is to pull away. Go to an AA or NA meeting and tell them you're trying to convince someone to sober up and I promise you, they'll tell you something along the lines of "you can't make someone want to get sober, it HAS to be their choice"
I dont think it's a matter of openly trying to convince someone but rather having a relationship of trust and honesty by not playing the blame game and listening to the addict so if they say anything negative about their own using you can put a seed in their mind which can give a different way of thinking. That's the way I see what she is saying.
I pulled away from my best friend who happens to be a male! I had to pull away from him! Because it's effecting my mental emotional & physical health! He knows why I've pulled away! I can't force him to give up the drugs!! It's his choice.🙏🏻
Amber - I’ve done all the things you’ve said NOT to do with my husband already. Like, the really big no-nos. I’m due with our first child end of August and things have never been so bleak. He hasn’t been home for months, is living in his car, is having an affair, and wants a divorce… I know it’s because of the addiction, and I don’t hate him - I was an addict myself and we met in rehab - I hate myself for how terribly I’ve continued to respond to his addiction after he relapsed almost 3 years ago. I’m so scared I’ve lost him forever. Is it too late for me to inspire him to get help and come home to his family?
I am myself recovering, successfully. This seems to give me no ability to get through. My insight seems to accomplish nothing. I hear myself say the things that so many people said to me for decades. It's heartbreaking. It's really ironic, but I think the 12th step is the hardest. It breaks my peace that I worked so hard for, but I can not ignore the pain of my suffering friends.
Are there benefits of going on medication for adhd? I have both adhd and autism, but I’m kind of afraid to go on medication for it because of the fact that I have a cousin who was/is on it, and he wound up addicted to his adhd medication. And that’s not a road that I want to wind up on. I’ve seen what it’s done to him, and what it’s caused other people to think of him. And my family is not the most understanding with the fact that he is an addict. So I guess the last thing that I want is for them/his mom to point fingers at me and say that, “You’re gonna wind up addicted to the stuff just like he is.” Because I have the same crazy energy that he has, even though it shows up differently in me. Because I’m a girl.
I have adhd and an addictive personality so I specifically asked my doctor to put me on the lowest dose possible and I asked for extended release meds. I’ve known too many people that had to take adderall multiple times a day and some got addicted. Mine I take once a day(in the morning) I’m doing fine with it. Have only increased the dose once or twice in 10 yrs. Everyone is different but just a suggestion
My wife has been smoking meth for 2.5 years and about 8 months ago started smoking crack instead. She cheats on me and I had her move out 5 months ago, we have a 16yo daughter that dearly loves her mother and craves her attention. She doesn't listen to me and thinks about getting high and hanging with friends, I just don't know what to do I'm lost and I still love her.
How can I help when I'm the enemy cause I'm the one getting in the way of the addiction due to being involved with the kids and them! How can I had to call cps and she did test positive. She is assuming i called but she isn't sure but she assuming. How can I inspire in this situation? Can I just text a text that says I know your struggling with a disorder and I want you to know I love you and I'm here to cheer you on. My grand kids are in the picture and cps is going to require treatment now. What can I do at this point if anything? I just know this is killing me and I may be getting the kids temporarily Enoch she doesn't want to happen. This is her second time in this position. 14 yrs ago she got busted with the cops and because I was totally ignorant about what was going on I wasn't her enemy and she wanted me to have the kids
as someone who drinks 7 days a week, you can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped. idk what it's like for the person you're trying to help but what does sobriety offer me? the same suffering i had prior to drinking? but for longer? (at least the drinking is shaving unwanted years off my life)
It’s never too late. I finally looked for some kind of higher power that could make sense to me and things started to get better. Sending you love and hope. May your higher power find you now. Ask for help.
I really feel this channel is more for the addicts family..not the addict
She states repeatedly that these videos are too confrontational for the addict.
Yes. I think that's intentional but there arr some for both.
Hello Amber, the 1st video I watched of yours had me in tears and made me think "I'm not crazy" since they make you feel that way. And I'm the bad guy. It's extremely hard not to be when dealing with their behavior. Feeling the hurt and the resentment so when I hear be nice and supportive it's so unfair, but I get it. It's just hard to do. I never thought he'd be this person. Your thinking I'm safe and I'm loved and we're happy until one day... everything changed. And your like who is this and then your saying who am I. I don't like what we've become. I'm struggling to make it work and he's said he wants to quit but we're going on 4 years now. And I'm writing because it seems hopeless. He's in this routine and it's impossible to talk to him, about anything, like he just wants left alone and I'm so tired of being alone. It's like if I want peace I have to just do everything alone and who gets married to be alone (been together 7-ish years). I'm at the point where I'm confused and tired. I know he loves me although he doesn't show it but he doesn't show much of anything other than wanting to ignore life, to zone out after work. And it's not like I haven't been nice or done nice things for him... it's like a roller coaster. I'm just at a loss but I'll keep watching your video to find some answers but I think a lot about leaving. My dad was an alcoholic (RIP) and my 1st husband (RIP) and my sister died from addiction so you can see my level of anxiety about this.
Hi Melissa, Welcome to our little community. From what you described, you're in the right place!
THANK YOU FOR NOT PAYWALLING THIS 😭
My pleasure. Glad it was helpful.
Thanks Amber! Your videos continue to help me with my own mental health while dealing with my son’s addiction. As the years go by and the sadness continues, it is good to remember that relationship matters. The Bible says , “Do not let kindness and truth leave you….” We often get one OR the other. Both are needed.
Spot on about kindness and truth! ⭐🎯💯
What happens when they have the change talk and you use these steps you are talking about here, and they just never move any further. They shut every opportunity down from everyone and everything? They just push me away with my positive talk to them. They will say they aren't a child they know what I am doing trying to fix them. So... then what?
@@Julie-p1d That is the sadness that continues. I have chosen to continue to interact with kindness and truth. Doesn’t mean it is received or appreciated. I am accused of all kinds of stuff. It’s a mess he has made. It is what it is. The truths they don’t want to hear need to be said anyway, silence can be golden too. You agree you can’t fix them. I know it’s hard because they push hard and it hurts. And the sadness continues…
Thank you, Amber! I learn so much from you. Much appreciated!
What about someone with a mental illness like schizoaffective disorder and also an addict? Is there a video about that? Can you make one if there isn't? I'm so curious your thoughts on that!
Thank you
You're welcome!
What happens when they DONT talk about it at all. Its been addressed but never spoken about again, like the one thing thats off limits to talk about.
That, and I dont think hes ever in the mindset to address it.
I'm in exactly the same position and I think I'm nearly done other than having no where to go.hope your ok
@Quartzone6145 There's only so much "hoping" what it COULD be like, there's also only so much greif a person can continue to go through while in the relationship where it will push you to your witts end. It's like the addict just doesn't get the issue, especially when they're messed up. It's very frustrating. I hate you're going through the same, especially when you're stuck. But, you're never really stuck, don't make any more threats, make a silent plan. Especially if your person doesn't think you have the means to leave, they think they have the control, and that's not true. Do you have a friend or parents you can go to while working to save some money up?
Same here, he just doesn't want to change anything. He is so poorly and has just shut down all emotion.
Sad to see my gorgeous man disappear in front of my eyes. I can't reach him.
@kateforeman2272 :( I really felt that "watched him disappear, and I can't reach him".
Addicts just don't have the emotional capacity. They don't understand why you cry (nevermind it's the fact they MADE you cry) their brain is in a whole new playing field, and love is no longer enough. Love won't save them, only they can make that choice so I say, if he continues to use and not have any kind of plan, leave. (Which really sucks)
@@Quartzone6145I’m in the same situation
Thank you for all the information that you give families. It's so appreciated. Any advice for parents with adult children that don't live at home and avoid us when they are using.
8:43 Thank you !
My pleasure!
Aside from projecting that people are going to want to argue with you, you've offered many reasonable points. Please rethink the negative open.
I've known many addicts in my life, hell, I am one myself and I'll tell you the most important thing about reasoning with an addict.
There is nothing you can do, your best bet is to pull away. Go to an AA or NA meeting and tell them you're trying to convince someone to sober up and I promise you, they'll tell you something along the lines of "you can't make someone want to get sober, it HAS to be their choice"
I dont think it's a matter of openly trying to convince someone but rather having a relationship of trust and honesty by not playing the blame game and listening to the addict so if they say anything negative about their own using you can put a seed in their mind which can give a different way of thinking. That's the way I see what she is saying.
I pulled away from my best friend who happens to be a male! I had to pull away from him! Because it's effecting my mental emotional & physical health! He knows why I've pulled away! I can't force him to give up the drugs!! It's his choice.🙏🏻
Lmao Amber omg I love your attitude, metaphors, and the way you speak. Uhhhh hell yeah you can get me to want pizza 🍕🤤
Could you please do a video on navigating a breakup with someone who is both an ex addict AND a narcissist?
She’s already made several videos on this subject
Amber - I’ve done all the things you’ve said NOT to do with my husband already. Like, the really big no-nos. I’m due with our first child end of August and things have never been so bleak. He hasn’t been home for months, is living in his car, is having an affair, and wants a divorce… I know it’s because of the addiction, and I don’t hate him - I was an addict myself and we met in rehab - I hate myself for how terribly I’ve continued to respond to his addiction after he relapsed almost 3 years ago. I’m so scared I’ve lost him forever. Is it too late for me to inspire him to get help and come home to his family?
It’s hard to help these people. They have to want to change. People don’t change so easy!!
Too stressful and now yr putting yr kid into this toxic relationship
😢i need help asap🙏🏻
I am myself recovering, successfully. This seems to give me no ability to get through. My insight seems to accomplish nothing. I hear myself say the things that so many people said to me for decades. It's heartbreaking. It's really ironic, but I think the 12th step is the hardest. It breaks my peace that I worked so hard for, but I can not ignore the pain of my suffering friends.
Are there benefits of going on medication for adhd? I have both adhd and autism, but I’m kind of afraid to go on medication for it because of the fact that I have a cousin who was/is on it, and he wound up addicted to his adhd medication. And that’s not a road that I want to wind up on. I’ve seen what it’s done to him, and what it’s caused other people to think of him. And my family is not the most understanding with the fact that he is an addict.
So I guess the last thing that I want is for them/his mom to point fingers at me and say that, “You’re gonna wind up addicted to the stuff just like he is.” Because I have the same crazy energy that he has, even though it shows up differently in me. Because I’m a girl.
I have adhd and an addictive personality so I specifically asked my doctor to put me on the lowest dose possible and I asked for extended release meds. I’ve known too many people that had to take adderall multiple times a day and some got addicted. Mine I take once a day(in the morning) I’m doing fine with it. Have only increased the dose once or twice in 10 yrs. Everyone is different but just a suggestion
@@Vlaloca777 That’s probably what happened to my cousin. I’ll give your suggestion some thought.
Have you thought of going on TRT. Higher than normal testosterone is very neurologically beneficial
You can ask for a non stimulant medication; that's my plan.
My wife has been smoking meth for 2.5 years and about 8 months ago started smoking crack instead. She cheats on me and I had her move out 5 months ago, we have a 16yo daughter that dearly loves her mother and craves her attention.
She doesn't listen to me and thinks about getting high and hanging with friends, I just don't know what to do I'm lost and I still love her.
How can I help when I'm the enemy cause I'm the one getting in the way of the addiction due to being involved with the kids and them! How can I had to call cps and she did test positive. She is assuming i called but she isn't sure but she assuming. How can I inspire in this situation? Can I just text a text that says I know your struggling with a disorder and I want you to know I love you and I'm here to cheer you on. My grand kids are in the picture and cps is going to require treatment now. What can I do at this point if anything? I just know this is killing me and I may be getting the kids temporarily Enoch she doesn't want to happen. This is her second time in this position. 14 yrs ago she got busted with the cops and because I was totally ignorant about what was going on I wasn't her enemy and she wanted me to have the kids
as someone who drinks 7 days a week, you can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped. idk what it's like for the person you're trying to help but what does sobriety offer me? the same suffering i had prior to drinking? but for longer? (at least the drinking is shaving unwanted years off my life)
It’s never too late. I finally looked for some kind of higher power that could make sense to me and things started to get better. Sending you love and hope. May your higher power find you now. Ask for help.
She is now keeping me from them and calling me her enemy and that I'm trying to steal my grand kids.
Ugh .. he’s makin me w miserable. Everyone enables him.. 40 yr old .. L