Guilty. I started off doing everything wrong. Eventually, I found that active listening without judgment is the best approach. Wait for opportunities to talk and then carefully get them to open up in a safe setting. Don't pepper them with questions and know when to stop.
I’m so grateful to you Amber My son is in addiction for years now and through so much . He picks up on the smallest amount of anxiety from me when we are together. I have learned so much how to approach him but more important is to relate the best I can. Positive words are like gold His eyes light up when I point out the positive and it’s sincere. We are able to have honest communication. Sometimes I may fall short because I desperately want him to flourish and live without substances. It takes so much patience but I have grown through this and I know that he takes in what we share. He has talked about his fears as he has been in addiction with fentanyl for years now . I will never give up and Amber you give me hope while others criticize and lack understanding .
Praying for your son! We try to become the best students of this disease so we can walk with our loved ones in the best possible way to lead them to/through recovery. My bffs 30yr old son is a living miracle and doing SO well now in recovery from fentanyl. He’s on 3yr probation but he’s admitted his life is so much better on this side, after treatment and gives glory to God. I’m waiting on God for my son’s recovery testimony from meth! 🙏🏼
After my son stole my car i said i can either press charges or you can go to treatment. He is going to treatment which starts tomorrow and im terrified that hes going to say no last minute. Im not sure if this was the right way to do things or not but i feel like he needed an extra push. He has cried to me about how he doesnt want to live like this anymore but seems to struggle with getting help and thinks he can do it on his own but so far hasnt been able to. Right now he is in detox and i pick him up from there in the morning and drive him out to the treatment centre. Fingers crossed everything goes to plan.
I started watching Amber after a relationship with the first alcoholic i ever met. I did everything wrong. I didn't know any better. He is a person but i said all the wrong things... He is a serious addict but a good soul. Amber has taught me so much about addiction. I didn't understand anything.
Guilty as charged! When I respond with emotion, I always mess it up. My desperation for change tends to overshadow the point of it all. I've tried most of the wrong things and still tend to fall into the bad place pretty regularly. But now I know it when it happens and I feel like that's huge progress! Your videos are the only reason I'm not so stuck anymore. I still lack patience and explode at times. But less than I used to!
When my partner would binge drink for a week at a time, when it started, I tried to understand, spoke nicely, tried encouraging, nope.. got mad 😡 nope. I just resigned and would take care of myself. Leave and do something productive nourishing and held the home together, after several times of letting him go like that, had to call a ambulance once or twice and a Doctor 5150’d him one time an he ended up in a locked facility on a 72 hour hold. He’s been sober over a year now. That’s alcohol, I don’t know about all the weird drugs out there now, many lives lost so young and quickly, brain scrambling drugs.. I don’t know if there’s time to walk on eggshells in that situation. Truly you have to let em go, with a warning and hope for the best and get therapy and CODA meetings. I went to a CODA meeting that was filled with parents who tried all the methods you described. It was sad and scary how powerless the addict is and the people around them.
Amber, you are a life saver... I've experienced people with addictions throughout my childhood and adult life. I've been looking at their addictions through the wrong lense. No more! On to the next strategy that you present that also makes the most sense. TY! 😊
Thank You Amber for passing on all the knowledge. My BF is aware that he is an alcoholic addict and is trying all possible ways to get sober. He keeps falling back in the ditch however has the zeal to overcome. He is still trying to find motivation (Better life and love for family is motivator however is short lived). Post office hours is when he indulges in binge-drinking. He has been finding ways to keep him occupied post work (workout is what he has thought of) but again that too would be short-lived. What suggestions would you like to give to keep him motivated and busy in the evening hours.
I can't even anymore. I don't have the patience. Doesn't matter if I try nicely, ignore, go full throttle. I can't work, take care of all the bills, my kid. I get told I'm selfish, and I ruined his life. I know I have been pushy, blaming, but I've also been understanding and supportive. I feel like it doesn't matter what approach I take, we aren't getting anywhere. I feel defeated.
I wrote these down, studied them over n over.. then said them in the calmest way possible . He WANTS to get sober but hes too down on himself n can't commit or something!
I recently separated from my alcoholic husband who was financially abusive one too many times. We have 5 children. I know that different rules apply here, but what should I do and what shouldn't I do so that I'm not enabling but helping? I'm so confused. Like in normal circumstances with separation they tell you to communicate as little as possible and only about the children... but I want him to still feel that connection to and from us. I've accepted that he may never choose to get sober which is the only way I would ever let him come home. I just want to give him his best chance, but simultaneously don't trust him enough not to just take advantage of my kindness. I definitely separated for me and my own sanity, and am not trying to control him anymore. But I really want to do this the right way and not be mean. How kind is too kind? How distant is too distant? He's also addicted to weed, porn (which is very hurtful and part of why I have a hard time wanting to be close to him), and video games which is what he spends WAY too much money on.
Guilty! Love your videos Amber. As a family coach with lived experience, I often direct people to your channel. ?? While I understand wanting to be helpful getting someone into recovery, it feels like the family member is still taking all the action here and setting themselves up to be the bad guy if the experience isn't positive. Where's the line here on helping v enabling when the family member is taking on the role of doing all the work to remove the roadblocks?
Thanks so much for sharing my videos, Cecillia! and great question. Here's a video I did on the topic of Helping vs. Enabling: th-cam.com/users/liveVSN49BxUJC0
@@PutTheShovelDown thanks Amber as that's exactly why I asked the question. Having watched that video, it feels like in this video the family member is putting in all the work which goes beyond helping. What am I missing?
@@ceciliaglenn895my partner and I are dealing with this exact situation with a sibling, but we have a primary enabler proving free housing and other bills for the addict who’s partner just recently overdosed and died at the same house. We’ve tried helping with similar to craft method for years not realizing how much this parent was being counter intuitive and enabling.
I feel like I can do this but NOT while being in a romantic relationship with my bf. He can’t meet my expectations as a romantic partner and that’s what mostly causes me to flip out regarding his behaviors/mindset. I’m always disappointed. Slowly trying to redefine the relationship so I can be more helpful. Besides, the last thing he needs right now is a romantic relationship.
My daughter has been homeless and addicted to fentanyl and meth for the last 3 years. I'll try this approach. I literally just drove past her and others using. She was in the process of passing out as I drove by. I hate seeing her suffer so. I will try this the next time she comes to visit.
Recently found out that my husband of 13 yrs is a meth junkie. I know that sounds hard to believe but I’ve never touched a drug in my life & did not recognize the signs. For years I’ve known that something was very wrong but I thought it was gambling. He lied, deceived, stole, cheated. We lost homes, cars, money, gaps of time that he went missing but pretended to be at work (oil field). I feel so incredibly…. naive & dumb. & he took full advantage of that. I’ve already filed for divorce. I’ll be damn if I let a manipulating junkie waste another day of my life.
I’m so sorry for all you’ve lost and feel deceived by…that’s a long time. 😞 They try to hide it because of the shame and stigma..not realizing they are addicted until it blows up in their face. Hope he gets the help he needs 🙏🏼
my loved one says that daily marijuana use keeps keeps him from craving harder drugs, keeps him calm helps him sleep eases pain. he has a horrible history of crack cocaine use. did treatment several times over the years. been off cocaine for 7 years but recently relapsed for several days and said he scared himself off that for good but needs the pot daily medicinally and wants to be able to drink now and then. Can he do this or is ANY drug or alcohol use as Amber has said "keeping the gate open" for relapse?
Guilty, I hate confrontation. When things are going "well", I don't like to talk about it. But then the cycle continues and I can't talk to him without getting emotional, or his is drunk and I can't talk to him because he is too drunk to talk to about it. Ugh...
My husband left after telling him to get help . And for two weeks now I cannot reach him over the phone and I don’t know what to do . Nobody really cares. How can I help him even if the marriage is over . He told his mom to tell me that he cares about me and still wants me in his life but as a friend. His making everything to look like I was the problem and not him. Pls can someone advise me on what to do . I am going crazy. Our marriage is only 5 months.
I have been approaching everything so By-The-Book. Had a rough night tonight with him and I felt so lost and hurt. He’s so close and his intentions are good, but financial problems are the only roadblock. So good seeing this discussion here, I feel much more hopeful. Thank you all so much 💕
I’m devastated my bf does not reply my texts for days he says he was bombed out on painkillers and was sleeping that’s why he was not contacting me Yesterday I texted again and it’s been 24 hours still no Answer… I start to think that maybe he is trying to cut me off… Last week I even met his family and he was really taking me so seriously but now I can’t even reach him. I am so worried and miss him so much I’m just so sad.. last time when I was at his place he eventually told me to leave cause he had one of those panick Attacks and told me there was bad energy around me… then he was apologizing… I really need to know what is the best thing I should do about it… I feel like he’s pushing me away… 😢 He’s been talking about going to rehab and I can see he definitely wants to quit and seeks help but his mood swings are so confusing. I’m not even sure how he really feels about me…
Guilty. My 30 year old son acknowledge alcohol issues but feel that marijuana isn’t a drug because it’s natural and legal in their state. I hit the wall with trying to have this conversation without trying to get into the bad guy role
More on how to influence someone to get sober 👉🏻👉🏻th-cam.com/play/PLaaJWwIpP_zZajDZnT59NcEEmZiTqo4Ws.html
Guilty. I started off doing everything wrong. Eventually, I found that active listening without judgment is the best approach. Wait for opportunities to talk and then carefully get them to open up in a safe setting. Don't pepper them with questions and know when to stop.
I’m so grateful to you Amber My son is in addiction for years now and through so much . He picks up on the smallest amount of anxiety from me when we are together. I have learned so much how to approach him but more important is to relate the best I can. Positive words are like gold His eyes light up when I point out the positive and it’s sincere. We are able to have honest communication. Sometimes I may fall short because I desperately want him to flourish and live without substances. It takes so much patience but I have grown through this and I know that he takes in what we share. He has talked about his fears as he has been in addiction with fentanyl for years now . I will never give up and Amber you give me hope while others criticize and lack understanding .
Praying for your son! We try to become the best students of this disease so we can walk with our loved ones in the best possible way to lead them to/through recovery. My bffs 30yr old son is a living miracle and doing SO well now in recovery from fentanyl. He’s on 3yr probation but he’s admitted his life is so much better on this side, after treatment and gives glory to God. I’m waiting on God for my son’s recovery testimony from meth! 🙏🏼
After my son stole my car i said i can either press charges or you can go to treatment. He is going to treatment which starts tomorrow and im terrified that hes going to say no last minute. Im not sure if this was the right way to do things or not but i feel like he needed an extra push. He has cried to me about how he doesnt want to live like this anymore but seems to struggle with getting help and thinks he can do it on his own but so far hasnt been able to. Right now he is in detox and i pick him up from there in the morning and drive him out to the treatment centre. Fingers crossed everything goes to plan.
I started watching Amber after a relationship with the first alcoholic i ever met. I did everything wrong. I didn't know any better. He is a person but i said all the wrong things... He is a serious addict but a good soul. Amber has taught me so much about addiction. I didn't understand anything.
Guilty as charged! When I respond with emotion, I always mess it up. My desperation for change tends to overshadow the point of it all. I've tried most of the wrong things and still tend to fall into the bad place pretty regularly. But now I know it when it happens and I feel like that's huge progress! Your videos are the only reason I'm not so stuck anymore. I still lack patience and explode at times. But less than I used to!
❤
When my partner would binge drink for a week at a time, when it started, I tried to understand, spoke nicely, tried encouraging, nope.. got mad 😡 nope. I just resigned and would take care of myself. Leave and do something productive nourishing and held the home together, after several times of letting him go like that, had to call a ambulance once or twice and a Doctor 5150’d him one time an he ended up in a locked facility on a 72 hour hold. He’s been sober over a year now. That’s alcohol, I don’t know about all the weird drugs out there now, many lives lost so young and quickly, brain scrambling drugs.. I don’t know if there’s time to walk on eggshells in that situation. Truly you have to let em go, with a warning and hope for the best and get therapy and CODA meetings. I went to a CODA meeting that was filled with parents who tried all the methods you described. It was sad and scary how powerless the addict is and the people around them.
Amber, you are a life saver... I've experienced people with addictions throughout my childhood and adult life. I've been looking at their addictions through the wrong lense. No more! On to the next strategy that you present that also makes the most sense. TY! 😊
Thank You Amber for passing on all the knowledge.
My BF is aware that he is an alcoholic addict and is trying all possible ways to get sober. He keeps falling back in the ditch however has the zeal to overcome.
He is still trying to find motivation (Better life and love for family is motivator however is short lived).
Post office hours is when he indulges in binge-drinking. He has been finding ways to keep him occupied post work (workout is what he has thought of) but again that too would be short-lived.
What suggestions would you like to give to keep him motivated and busy in the evening hours.
I can't even anymore. I don't have the patience. Doesn't matter if I try nicely, ignore, go full throttle. I can't work, take care of all the bills, my kid. I get told I'm selfish, and I ruined his life. I know I have been pushy, blaming, but I've also been understanding and supportive. I feel like it doesn't matter what approach I take, we aren't getting anywhere. I feel defeated.
It ends up with us telling each other we hate each other and I tell him to move out. Everyone says I'm enabling. I need a counselor!
Thank you ❤
I wrote these down, studied them over n over.. then said them in the calmest way possible . He WANTS to get sober but hes too down on himself n can't commit or something!
What a helpful video! And it really makes so much sense to be positive and not getting angry and judge mental 😊
Gee thanks Russell!
Guilty as charged. Thank you 🙏🏼
I recently separated from my alcoholic husband who was financially abusive one too many times. We have 5 children. I know that different rules apply here, but what should I do and what shouldn't I do so that I'm not enabling but helping? I'm so confused. Like in normal circumstances with separation they tell you to communicate as little as possible and only about the children... but I want him to still feel that connection to and from us. I've accepted that he may never choose to get sober which is the only way I would ever let him come home. I just want to give him his best chance, but simultaneously don't trust him enough not to just take advantage of my kindness. I definitely separated for me and my own sanity, and am not trying to control him anymore. But I really want to do this the right way and not be mean. How kind is too kind? How distant is too distant? He's also addicted to weed, porn (which is very hurtful and part of why I have a hard time wanting to be close to him), and video games which is what he spends WAY too much money on.
Has he been evaluated for ADHD? That list of addictions is pretty typical for that.
I love you dude! 💜🔥
Back at ya! 😜
Priceless insight! Thanks, thanks and thanks !! Guilty of doing the opposite 😢
?? How would communication go if they have been in and out of treatment? What is a positive spin on that?
Guilty! Love your videos Amber. As a family coach with lived experience, I often direct people to your channel. ?? While I understand wanting to be helpful getting someone into recovery, it feels like the family member is still taking all the action here and setting themselves up to be the bad guy if the experience isn't positive. Where's the line here on helping v enabling when the family member is taking on the role of doing all the work to remove the roadblocks?
Thanks so much for sharing my videos, Cecillia! and great question. Here's a video I did on the topic of Helping vs. Enabling: th-cam.com/users/liveVSN49BxUJC0
@@PutTheShovelDown thanks Amber as that's exactly why I asked the question. Having watched that video, it feels like in this video the family member is putting in all the work which goes beyond helping. What am I missing?
@@ceciliaglenn895my partner and I are dealing with this exact situation with a sibling, but we have a primary enabler proving free housing and other bills for the addict who’s partner just recently overdosed and died at the same house. We’ve tried helping with similar to craft method for years not realizing how much this parent was being counter intuitive and enabling.
Love this and feel it helps with any change you would like to see in someone ( or really NEED to see )
Will share ❤
Thanks so much 💖
I feel like I can do this but NOT while being in a romantic relationship with my bf. He can’t meet my expectations as a romantic partner and that’s what mostly causes me to flip out regarding his behaviors/mindset. I’m always disappointed. Slowly trying to redefine the relationship so I can be more helpful. Besides, the last thing he needs right now is a romantic relationship.
Your insight is spot on about him not being able to meet the expectations of a romantic relationship. 🤩🤩🤩
Beauty🙌🏼
Great advice! Thank you!
Oh and likely guilty:)
You are so welcome!
My daughter has been homeless and addicted to fentanyl and meth for the last 3 years. I'll try this approach. I literally just drove past her and others using. She was in the process of passing out as I drove by. I hate seeing her suffer so. I will try this the next time she comes to visit.
So sorry you're going through this nightmare, Cheryl. It's absolutely heartbreaking
Hi Amber does extended Canadian health insurance cover your services? I have coverage for counselling but I live in Canada.
Hi MaryEllen, We don't file any types of insurance in our office. What we do is considered coaching (not counseling), so insurance doesn't cover it.
Wish I would’ve found your channel a few months ago
Recently found out that my husband of 13 yrs is a meth junkie. I know that sounds hard to believe but I’ve never touched a drug in my life & did not recognize the signs. For years I’ve known that something was very wrong but I thought it was gambling. He lied, deceived, stole, cheated. We lost homes, cars, money, gaps of time that he went missing but pretended to be at work (oil field). I feel so incredibly…. naive & dumb. & he took full advantage of that. I’ve already filed for divorce. I’ll be damn if I let a manipulating junkie waste another day of my life.
I’m so sorry for all you’ve lost and feel deceived by…that’s a long time. 😞
They try to hide it because of the shame and stigma..not realizing they are addicted until it blows up in their face. Hope he gets the help he needs 🙏🏼
my loved one says that daily marijuana use keeps keeps him from craving harder drugs, keeps him calm helps him sleep eases pain. he has a horrible history of crack cocaine use. did treatment several times over the years. been off cocaine for 7 years but recently relapsed for several days and said he scared himself off that for good but needs the pot daily medicinally and wants to be able to drink now and then. Can he do this or is ANY drug or alcohol use as Amber has said "keeping the gate open" for relapse?
Guilty, I hate confrontation. When things are going "well", I don't like to talk about it. But then the cycle continues and I can't talk to him without getting emotional, or his is drunk and I can't talk to him because he is too drunk to talk to about it. Ugh...
May I have a coupon code for the invisible intervention please?
Guilty as charged!!!
My husband left after telling him to get help . And for two weeks now I cannot reach him over the phone and I don’t know what to do . Nobody really cares. How can I help him even if the marriage is over . He told his mom to tell me that he cares about me and still wants me in his life but as a friend. His making everything to look like I was the problem and not him. Pls can someone advise me on what to do . I am going crazy. Our marriage is only 5 months.
I have been approaching everything so By-The-Book. Had a rough night tonight with him and I felt so lost and hurt. He’s so close and his intentions are good, but financial problems are the only roadblock. So good seeing this discussion here, I feel much more hopeful. Thank you all so much 💕
I’m devastated my bf does not reply my texts for days he says he was bombed out on painkillers and was sleeping that’s why he was not contacting me
Yesterday I texted again and it’s been 24 hours still no
Answer…
I start to think that maybe he is trying to cut me off…
Last week I even met his family and he was really taking me so seriously but now I can’t even reach him. I am so worried and miss him so much I’m just so sad..
last time when I was at his place he eventually told me to leave cause he had one of those panick
Attacks and told me there was bad energy around me… then he was apologizing… I really need to know what is the best thing I should do about it… I feel like he’s pushing me away… 😢
He’s been talking about going to rehab and I can see he definitely wants to quit and seeks help but his mood swings are so confusing. I’m not even sure how he really feels about me…
Guilty 🙂↔️
Guilty. My 30 year old son acknowledge alcohol issues but feel that marijuana isn’t a drug because it’s natural and legal in their state. I hit the wall with trying to have this conversation without trying to get into the bad guy role
I don't know how to approach my adult son because he's so in denial he still thinks he doesn't do drugs
Very guilty 😮❤
Guilty for sure 😊
Guiltttttyyyy.
Guilty as charged
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So you're trying to trick people?
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GUILTY 🫥
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