How To Find Power Over A Narcissist
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 14 พ.ค. 2023
- A primary goal of the narcissist is to wield power over you. And a primary mistake you can make is to become pulled into their power grabs. Dr. Les Carter prompts you to take a fresh look at what psychological power is so you can find a different kind of power even as the narcissist insists on playing the same old tired games.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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Everybody has some kind of damage but most of us don't go around torturing others using our damage as an excuse.
I am glad you brought that up. Their lack of empathy leads them to think that they are the only ones who have ever suffered, and then a huge narrative of self pity becomes their life. Everybody is out to get them and their meanness is preemptive self defense.
@@wisconsinfarmer4742
I think sometimes they've actually suffered very little. Just people who are used to getting what they want. They want to have the spotlight once again turned away from the real victims and their struggles and back to themselves with their "suffering". They're shallow and plastic and calling them "damaged" just feeds into their "yes poor me, focus on MY victimhood and my small sense of emotional pain" narrative instead of those whose real pain actually matters.
They are to me as they see everyone else. Mindless subhumans. Not worthy of empathy or a second thought. The difference is their "oh so tragic pain and suffering" is Ego based. They CHOOSE to be who they are.
Those who are truly misunderstood like people with Psychosis disorders, depression, eating disorders etc, don't have that choice.
@@wisconsinfarmer4742 are you a Wisconsin farmer for real? And aren't you on this channel being a victim
@@chayo4537 in your dreams narcissist.
@@wisconsinfarmer4742 The narc is not a victim. Pls wake up.
I don't want power over them - I just want peace and collaborative relationships with healthier individuals.
Sadly it is not possibly with narc.
@@radzia1010 So, it is their loss.
I am working VERY hard not to be sad over these people anymore. It had cost so much of my precious life force.
@@kimberlymccracken747
After all dust collapse sadness is the only feeling i had after realize how disorder works. I was in relation with cover narc women 25 years ago. It is not possible to forget such kind off abuse.
It is good to feel sad now that I know what is going on. At least I am permitting myself to have and recognize a feeling.
@Kimberly McCraken: Right. A more accurate use of words might be, "gain your own power in spite of them". At first that turn of phrase might just sound like symantics (word play) but the key is learning to "stay true to yourself" by not allowing them to manipulate you with any of their pshychological devices and trickery.
The more of a people pleaser personality you have the harder that is to accomplish.
We already have power over narcissist by the very virtue of who we are !
Exactly!
VITAL reminder. Thank you! 😉
And by the nature of who they are - insecure, selfish, fearful, controlling, and immature.
I personally found once you do put up those boundaries, draw that line in the sand and stick to your guns, you win! It’s a difficult journey if you were a people pleaser as I was. But you can do it!
There’s no power over a narcissist other than to recognize them as such, and then denying them supply by going fully no contact.
These videos are like a throwing a life saving ring buoy into the water to me while i am trying not to drown.
Keep learning, Judy. I'm pulling for you!
Hi Judy, very apt statement. I had Freemans as neighbors!
Narcissist: "I want power over you" Me: "Good luck with that"
Letting go and letting God, all day long, forever! 😊
And, in all situations and circumstances. It's amazing and pretty telling how far the narcissists are absolutely willing to go to make an example and a mockery out of Team Healthy! Speaks volumes about how desperate they obviously really are not us! LOL 🙃
Sometimes you need to call the police and hire an attorney, too.
Just walk away … best power ever
Yes, they're toxic, evil people: - getting away from such people is wise.
Yes but some of us cannot due to financial situations or family situations. Keep those people in prayer!
For ultimate power go no contact. If you really can't do that, gray rock like a boss! If you give them nothing it's harder for them to find ways of hurting you.
True, but it’s very hard when it’s your wife’s mother who is the narcissist.
Starve them and love yourself. Go stress workout and enjoying without him. You don't need a man to validate you. It comes from God. ❤❤🎉learn who you are in Christ not man
I wish I could go no contact, but I can't. We have a kid together. Co-parenting with a narcissist is impossible. The last 6 years have been very difficult.
Ways of hurting me. Has been done for years. By invading my privacy everytime I moved. Inserting themselves into agencies set up to help aging people. They have been honing their acting skills with every doctor appointment I had. They have been doing to me what gets done to them. By having entourages, they take up all the cheap living spaces in a town.
They spread their power like manure except manure helps things to grow. They stifle growth except their own.
1) Do What You Can To Avoid Taking Their Bait
2) Clearly Communicate Your Needs Set Boundaries.
3) Believe You Deserve Better.
4) Accept You Can’t Change Them.
5) Building Your Self Esteem..
6) Practicing Skills To Keep Calm.
Well said and agreed to all your points👍
@@sturobertson6791
Thank You So Very Much 🙏
It's number 6 I struggle with, the frustration it invokes in me dealing with them drives me to distraction. Any tips of the skills..... that I could utilise. I'm sick and in pain and find it very hard to be calm when they're so selfish ✌
Love yourself 😂
This goes for the enabling Flying Monkeys too! Watch out they are or can be N’s too. I was told by one of them I’m critical. I’m not getting into their mud either. DRC.
Only way to truly get one over on a narcissist is to go no contact, and otherwise deny them supply. They get supply from your love and adulation and they get supply when you’re yelling at them for lyin to you about any number of things and generally abusing you.
I'm going to walk away with my dignity and peace intact.
I'm going to walk away.
❤
All I have to do is remember how my peace & joy returned to my life when I took distance from the narcissist. What a happy, freeing revelation for me (and a sad commentary on the narcissist).
Power over a narcissist? There's only one way; disengage. Go your own way, and abandon all hope.
Agreed minimize contact as much as possible.
Agree with you 💯 👍🏿.
Difficult to do when children are involved. 😢❤
Difficult when they're crazy
@@conniedean3862
Actually No Contact (or Gray Rock if No Contact isn't an option) is much easier if they're crazy.
They're ALL crazy.
Why, exactly, would anyone want to subject themselves to crazy?
I have found that I will ruminate on the narcissist's actions as a way of avoiding the feelings of deep hurt and worthlessness. When I focus on how I feel, it is painful but then the feeling passes and I feel whole again.
You are the best therapist ever for bringing up this point about narcissists. They don't know that true power comes from the power that people have from within. Not playing stupid games of overpowering others. Thank you for bringing up this important point
The worst relationship to have is one with a narcissist and I really hope no one thinks they can sustain a relationship where ultimately you'll be mentally abused n potentially physically abuse. Once you realize you're in relation with one use these tactic to LEAVE !!!!!!
I found their need to control and micromanage came out of deep insecurity. They did not like surprises. Their anxiety only calmed down when they knew how everything would line up. The chaos created was the way to normalize inner chaos: with everyone in chaos, personal chaos was just like everyone else. The total lack of comprehension about their needs and effect on others was mind-boggling to me but has helped me to say, "Father, forgive them for they don't know what they are doing."
I think on the interpersonal level a narcissist knows exactly what they are doing. In the long haul they don't know at all what they are doing, how destructive it is. If they are bipolar delusional however, they may not really know what anyone is doing.
Sadly they do know what they are doing. The grin after they've hurt you is disgusting.
You can recognize a narcissist when they get enraged and angry when you stay calm and not engage in their own conversation with them self .
Truer words were never spoken. If I don't take the bait I chalk up a "win".
When you catch them "in the wrong" and they try to justify and excuse their actions or they go into attack mode as if you're being mean to them therefore they must fight to defend themselves as if a victim.... I've seen it. Remaining calm has been my best resource against their power façade. I'm still working on holding my temper when provoked. It takes practice.
I read a lot. I want to be left alone. Pretty much gray rock to everyone. I have three dogs, though.
@Chris It might be that people with our experiences have no friends. I have three dogs. :)
@@renatajd7758 I miss my dog. I’m happy for you that you have three of them.
Pets are just unconditional love! Hug them multiple times everyday ❣️ that is one good way to ground yourself and become whole again
Gus has power over any Narcissist, and he doesn't even realise it.!!
So true!
Gus would probably barc at narcs. I once was on a party, about 30 people and an extremly friendly dog, wagging his tail to each new guest. Till my stbx arrived. The dog barked at him like crazy. My inner voice mumbled "bite, bite", but the dog was too well educated. Thank you Dr. C!
@@tinablok5700 AWESOME
Arf!
Stay true to yourself and stand on what you believe in and never change who you are and what you stand for during the smear campaign. It's hard to keep your cool when the flying monkeys are being passive aggressive, covert, and gaslighting you because of the narcissist lies but staying true to you is the key, so don't let yourself down no matter what they think!
"don't let yourself down" wow...that really hit me.
'Power over others is weakness disguised at strength'. Eckhart Tolle, The Power Of Now
I've saved this video to replay, many times. It's sooooo hard to keep cool when they're trying to smash you.
If you have a friend you can role play and practice with, you will become a master at handling it. And the practice partners will grow too.
Exactly because I don’t let him control me. I argue with him back but I’m getting tired of the chaos and now I’m ready to leave.
I think you use boundaries to exercise power from - and protection for yourself. The one who has the most self control wins. Tah dah!
The older I get the more I realize there truly is good and evil. Go team Good ✊️
If you don't feel safe around them should you leave no matter what.
You deserve better!
In summary: Being proactive is not responding each and every time narcissist(s) try to block us from getting on with our own agenda each day. Nor do we have to be constant explaining ourselves whenever we are being criticized about whatever. Not allowing ourselves to remain bitter and resentful while getting on with life is.
I've realised that surviving narcissism has to be a way of life on an everyday basis. No contact is necessary sometimes and is indeed a luxury. But, the real test lies in the way we learn to handle life. I live and learn 😊 with huge gratitude 🙏
Thanks, Amanda! #TeamHealthy
@@SurvivingNarcissism couldn't have come as far as I have without YOUR channel. Thank-you
I made the mistake of calling my narc dad at my friend(mutual friend of dad)'s place. Dad told me he will be going to Mass today, and to his girlfriend's sister's for the holiday. He can't be bothered with me, it hurts! He acts entitled to do this. To heck with him. I'm fed up with his non-caring. It hurts a lot!
I won't make that mistake, again!
@jackilynpyzocha662 Sometimes, when you have a little bit of doubt or hope in your mind, you have one last try. At least you tried and can be content with yourself and have peace of mind. Take care 🙏
Well I am truly glad I found your channel. Now I feel empowered every day with some tools to cope with the narc in my life.
So pleased!
Me too
Thank you Dr Les.
There was a time when I wanted everyone to like me. I felt I needed to explain myself all the time. I thought I could change the narcissist if they would see my side. That was then. I didn’t have the knowledge I do now regarding narcissism.
Here is something I read in a book about boundaries.
“Children explain while adults inform”
I choose to kind and respectful. If anyone tries to cause arguments, I walk away. It is better to be peaceful rather than liked by the narcissist.
That's a great line! Thanks.
I had to apologize to my narc dad, for something I didn't do! So he could feel superior. Sick dynamic.
@@jackilynpyzocha662 I understand. It happened to me too when my narcissistic father was alive.
I hope you are now living a better life. One filled with love joy and happiness.
Intra-personal power, that is what I need. Interpersonal power will just bring me down to the narcissists in my life’s level. I need to focus on taking good care of myself and keep myself from playing their toxic game.
It's always about looking for the most overt, obvious signs or attributes of abuse which is why so many people are trapped real narcissist don't yell and call names they're calm they act sweet and helpless and bait others to Express the rage anger and fear built up on the inside of them, they bring out in others what they carry. Now we got everybody being called narcissists because they may express anger or frustration
For me, power over “my” narcissist came as I began, more and more, to do what I wanted. When the inevitable harangue began, I’d silently turn to look at her with a blank expression, then silently turn back to whatever I was doing.
When being berated, I conjured a hint of a smile, and then I would shrug. When I was being “schooled” about something, I would lock eyes and appear as though I was listening, and patiently ( and silently) wait for the lesson to end.
These tactics were MADDENING to her, as she began to realize that she had no power or control over me. Rejecting a love bomb kinda clinched the doomed relationship, though. That was her dealbreaker.
Starving them of supply weakens them.
Hey Aaron...I think this one will resonate with you!
@@SurvivingNarcissism I’ll be honest. They ALL do. Thx, Dr. C.
Yep I did this the other day successfully for the first time. Just a blank stare, just answered ok to everything showed zero emotional reaction didn't argue. They just stood there dumbfounded 😮 didn't know what to do with themselves cause I just wasn't giving them anything to create an argument out of.🎉
I wish I were that strong. I get so triggered. So thankful to have these videos and team healthy to turn to on days like this.
..... that's what is so hard about it all is how they have such an evil spirit about themselves, but making themselves look good is something they are very good, all the while destroying their marriage behind the scenes, they are the popular good person
I lived in a family of four, and my mother and sister were/are narcissists. My mother is gone, and as destructive as she was to my life I can forgive her because I overcame what she did to me, and the very last thing she said to me was that she was jealous of me. What I have struggled with however is forgiving my sister for her lifetime of abuse. She was like this from the time she was three years old and she only got worse, and mom allowed it. She is a very mean, calculating person. In college I would see her almost every day and she never spoke, just stuck her tongue out at me. One time in later years I did something that stunned her, and she rolled her eyes at me. I heard recently that when someone does these things to you, makes faces, they have no regard for you as a human being. At that moment I realized that I am nothing to her, not even a human worth considering.
Once I understood that I was able to let go. That kind of person is sick, and they can't be helped.
I believe that everything she has suffered in her life and continues to suffer is because of the way she treated me all of our lives, and I hope that God tells her that some day.
I go No Contact
.... forever
Living with an alcoholic abusive one currently, and learning the hard way to detach, standing my ground and saying no to things that defile my ethics and spirituality, literally living in separate rooms in the same house now, not engaging in verbal conversations unless really required, bcoz they all end up in arguments, as he will always find something or someone to criticize or grumble about, it's so toxic. Learning not to feel guilty for the decisions ive made to detach myself when on religious grounds, you hear counselors, pastors or well wishers speak about submitting to your husband as per the Bible. I wish these people would know what its like to live with such a person when they preach about being submissive. Yet, i pray in my heart that Jesus may touch and heal him and deliver him of all these demons and emotional baggage he carries inside. One thing I find common dealing with a narc spouse, thru so many comments and videos online, they usually have a narc parent too, his mom shows narc traits too and ive already cut off all ties with her for my own peace of mind as if dealing with one narc wasnt enough 😊 at one point, my health was affected too, but im perfectly fine now, enjoy my own company, working on my own, indulging in my hobbies, spending quality time with my pet dog, helping people in need of prayers, basically doing all those things that bring solace and peace of mind to myself. God bless you doctor, and all those going thru trying times living with a narcissist.
Sunshine is here to stay, your normal insight is life, im sorry i hurt the narcissist feelings, but i exploded, yes the traits, or bent, but the full blown,knowing a lady in this world has good insight is our Doctors way of thinking, the big goodness. In you folks, thank ya dear, lady, im with go team healthy, but being in a cesspool is being what lazy, full blown, cause of some person is troubled, we need folks like miss, Sunshine, my Doctors type of people, just good healthy mindset,
Hi Sunshine, The Bible may talk about wives being submissive to their husbands, But there are also requirements for the husband to love their wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it. Ephesians 21 states for us to submit to one another in the fear of Christ. If a foolish person is pressing you to submit to the evil of a person who does not unselfishly love and protect you, who does not also submit to the teachings of Christ, do not listen, We are NOT called upon to submit to abuse, but to love. Ask those fools if the wife of the Levite (Judges 19) should have submitted to her husband. She did and it did not end well for her.
@@hartofnixie7060 thank you 🙏 totally 👍
I was feeling bad about this, too. Then I found Proverbs 32 theology and therapy on TH-cam. Leslie Vernick is excellent on this subject! I pray you have wisdom and safety as you navigate this difficult situation! You're NOT ALONE😊!
Oh my goodness, you sunshine
!!! You just told my exact life except my husband, is addicted to porn & drugs, but has his own business so he is able to pay for it. Everything u described is my life. I have found that proverbs 31 ministry had helped me as well. I struggled with submitting to my husband. However I had a revelation reading. Yes we are to submit to a husband who loves us like Christ loves the church. Also Jesus does not want His daughters abused. I also watch Kris Reese, she brings a biblical view & was married to a covert narc. That what my husband is.
Knowing ourselves is a key factor to discover quickly who one is dealing with.
Always remember that there are going to be people that are not going to like you! Accept it! More importantly I love me! When i start to hope someone that maybe that person will change and like me, I have to remember that hope is outside of me! Faith is inside of me! It brings me back to reality!
They borrow your words and throw them back at you leaving you thinking: didnt i just say that?
Arguing with them is like arguing with an echo chamber
Their emotional invalidation makes communication impossible. Recognize your triggers and investigate them. How do I feel. Why do I feel this way. What buttons are they trying to activate and why. What is it they want. What is it I want. Can I understand my own stress responses. Recognize it does no good to escalate your own emotional communication as they cannot understand it. These are the beginnings of the intrapersonal dialogue one must have with oneself before conflict arises. Truly, it's the only way to "disarm" a narcissist as their toxicity no longer serves any purpose other than in helping your own self understanding, your own humanity, a defense without a defense, a conflict without contention.
You can't change or control them, but you can gain affinity with your own responses, affinity rather than dysregulation. Then, they will no longer have power without your consent, without your affinity with yourself, actions and responses that validate your own true, healthy identity. I believe that it is possible with mindfulness and practice to become whole again.
That is an excellent way of putting it 👏
Awesome summary...thank you!
Finding power over the narcissist depends on the situation, mainly the type of narcissist and your resources. If you are dealing with a narcissist who is weak himself (not operating in a clan , too awkward or arrogant to obtaining new supply) and you have access to a good therapist you are in a better position.
We need all the help we can find 🙏
@@amandaliverpool3374 , for young people a romantic relationship like that is certainly undesirable . However society is full of narcissists and there needs to be an enlightened , modern way to deal with them. It seems like Dr. C . is working on that.
@@mariaawake4502 Thank goodness for that!
I definitely need help with recovering from a covert narcissist nightmare. I believe they are more hurtful, toxic, and downright evil people. I wouldn't wish a narcissist on anyone. It's pure trauma.
Thank you!!
Interesting to me that I have spent 20 years scouring through relationship advice, articles, books, videos, seminars, etc. on top of multiple therapists only to find that NONE of the advice fits when married to a narcissist. It truly is a special kind of demon. If only I had found you in Dallas 20 years ago Dr. C!😭😭😭Grateful for my beautiful daughters that I have today but it has NOT been without deep wounds and emotional scars. Looking forward to and very hopeful now about my future. It's almost like being held captive in chains down in a dark basement then finally being found and set free. I finally feel like I can breathe!!!❤
Na! Marriage advices don't work with these toxivmc individuals 😢
When I’m torn down to the ground I come to this channel to help put myself back together. It happens often in spite of my efforts. Thanks so much
I cannot control or change my mother. I cannot make her be kind to me, or understand or love me. All I can do is respect and love myself, and treat her how I want to be treated. Thank you for this video, my friend!
So true. Best wishes to you, Scarlett.
Let go of the illusion that you can get them to understand. Spot on :) Get out of that game, they are that way and will stay that way because they can never and will not see themselves.
Communicating boundaries is key. When a certain narcissist asks me to take her to the store, for example, if I’m able to, I tell her okay, but that I’d have to be home by a certain time; otherwise she would take advantage of my shuttling her around, as she does with my wife.
Also if you are a good supply they will give you "assignments "to accomplish every day
Soooo good. Dr’s great advice. Be assertive and hold your boundaries. They will Shane you. Be action oriented. Do not defend yourself ever. No 🪃 convo. Commit to love, gratitude. Minimize communication or eliminate it if possible. Trust yourself and your gut. 🙏🏽 Thanks Dr. C.
yeah it takes a lot of confidence to go the non defensive route.
After a while it becomes a habit and a person does not even fantasize about the "I should have said..."
I have to live long term with a narcissist and these tips are useful. But I have to admit I worry whether I can take it long term as it's very draining and depressing.
It will be beneficial to role play your response/no response dynamic with an ally who you are sure is not a covert flying monkey.
As you practice you will become more effective and moreover self confident.
I'm walking alongside you. You are not walking alone. It is extremely hard to be yourself when you are constantly ducking
@G K: I had that for over 50 years. I won't call it surviving, just existing. My "N" is gone now. The end result for me is lost trust because so many narcists do what's called "love bombing" to lure you in, then turn on you showing their true ways after they get your name on a paper. Looking for another life mate isn't in the cards for me.
yes it is, I'm in the same exact boat, can't leave
Me too. Maybe there is something to be said for people that stay, yet become a Team Healthy member, embracing all that is good. And while we are doing this , we are in the same house with them. 💪💪💪💪
Thank you for being here for those who need to learn, heal and take their power back
So happy to be here today. It’s shaping up to be a rough one.
I stand with you, Beverly.
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you, Dr. C
So sorry you are suffering ❤
@@amandaliverpool3374 thank you so much, Amanda❤
@@beverlyadams7205 Take care 🙏
anyone who has had to look up how to escape a toxic relationship. I hope you know that you are a victim and you have every right to feel hurt. narcissists are terrible people, you are not.
My story of realization has only occurred in the last 2 months. After 5 years of being divorced from my ex wife, we had a fight about a matter with our child. I said something about "so much for co-parenting." And about a month later a court summons shows up calling me to court for child support enforcement. Mind you I've been paying above the agreed upon support amount as I was able to. Reason for not paying was being fired from a job "for cause" (which was more or less a "found reason" off one of my mistakes I have ADHD so mistakes happen with me.) So I was inelligible for Unemployment benefits. She takes me to court for something I was already doing. All of a sudden it clicks that this is not about benefitting our child...it was about control. Now I know she is a high conflict individual, who has devalued me for 20 years. After watching some videos on covert narcissistic traits. That is where it all clicked for me. She will no longer control me, her put downs are no longer acceptable, and I am redrawing the custody agreement to keep her the fuck away from me. Fortunately we only have 18 months of parenting left together.
Jesus over you and yours😢. I'm so grateful to have found your videos. Narcissist abuse recovery 😢 one foot in front of the other.😮
It’s best to have power over yourself and any reactions you might have to another persons actions toward you rather than try to control another’s behavior or perceptions of you. Knowing yourself apart from them is how you maintain sanity or power however you want to see if period. So if they act up you can respond by removing yourself from the situation or by retaliating by putting up a boundary. Either way as long as you can respond instead of react emotionally how they want you to you remain In control and that’s the antidote to any narcissistic behavior directed your way.
For me, Radical Acceptance with strict No Contact was/is my saving grace. It allows for educating, and overall healing through this journey. This video & all of Dr. C's videos are very helpful. Many times I need to review videos for the information content because of the different points of the healing journey. Ty!
Team Healthy Rocks! 😊
Good wholesome values.
D R C.❤
Your videos have really helped me learn to find the balance beween detachment and assertiveness.
That's a big part of the reason on why I able to reconnect with my religion recently and celebrate Ramadan well, without struggling internally on if I was doing the wrong thing in either direction. Thanks a lot!! There are very few resources I've found that teach how to do this.
So pleased!!
I love & needed to watch every one of your videos I’ve seen thus far. I’ve questioned myself so much because of how I responded to the abuse that I’ve endured but I see that I still have a lot of educating myself & healing to do. Thank you so much!
Keep learning, Ari.
When I was in that stage of recovery I fell asleep every night talking to my higher self. I had very interesting dreams that kept me on the forward path.
@@SurvivingNarcissism : I have been on this healing journey for several years and still living with the narcissist. I learned that suppressed anger led to bitterness in myself. I have learned healthier ways to stand up for myself. This has decreased my bitterness toward the narcissist. Suppressed anger is not a good thing. Thank you Dr. C. Would not be where I am without you and Team Healthy. I still have more growing to do. 😊
The realization that an old flame was/is unworthy of me, surprises, and delights me. 😊
Thank you all team healthy G'day Dr. C
Your attitude is very healthy. I am trying my best to follow common sense. I'm struggling with my thoughts of how destructive and damaging they can be. It overwhelms me and cripples my strength.
This is one of the best videos I have ever watched on clearly explaining the dynamic of narcissistic behavior. Today, I was truly struggling with a narcissistic, abusive, flat out evil person and this has gotten me through. Thank you so much.
Watching these videos and learning, I am 100% positive that the person I'm with has narcissist personality disorder. It is exactly I was being described, down to the chaos, if I say something if I have a problem with something she's done or she's done something to make me feel a certain type of way, then she will just start throwing so many things at me all at once all these different things that I've done and she always make sure to hit right on the ones that I've expressed to her in the past, and when I would express something to her, then she would use it very quickly against me. But then she would always blame me and say I'm doing the things that she was actually doing. It's so mad, she would say all these things and then I would get worked up cuz I defending myself cuz none of these are true, and then when I say they're not true she said you're always invalidating my feelings You're always saying that it didn't happen You're always doing this You're always doing that, but I wasn't and what actually would happen is anytime I had any sort of a bad mood it was oh God of course we would go again, it got to the point to where I was in a bad mood basically every day or every other day, because I felt terrible and I was so anxious about being anxious anytime I get a negative thought I would get terrified that she was going to notice it I was trying to hide it and then if I didn't she would say I'm trying to manipulate her everything was a guilt trip, she would hang up on me and call me names and I'd say that makes me feel bad and she'd say I'm trying to guilt trip her
It's crazy The more I watch these videos the more I'm sure that not only is she and I just but this isn't going to work that she's incapable, at least what it does do is lets me know that it wasn't me.
Dr C the narcissist has been playing on my empathy so I haven't been very nice to them lately when originally I would kill them with kindness. They are good at mirroring you, and pretending and using it to abuse you. I like being nice and kind and happy but you can't with these people so I've been learning about stonewalling!
I never wanted power!! I just always wanted the truth to shown.
Dr. C this is awesome advice.
My sister uses threats of violence towards me and my parents ignore it. So this is very helpful, I feel more in control of myself with this method.
Team healthy 😊👍🏼
This also helps to know when you're divorced and the kids are picking up toxic habits. They need your steadiness and grounded techniques. They're going to do what they've seen toxic parents does and you get to model how they can manage it when it happens to them. ❤
So true. They need to know you are there for them no matter what happens or what the narcissist does or says.
Uggghh! I already see me kids model some of his bad behavior. I don't know how to stop it!!
I want more about how to leave a narcissist safely. How dangerous is it going no contact, and what will be the narcissistic response, and how do we keep safe from any anger, or how do we disengage without them proceeding to stalk you, or what do we do to resolve a stranger stalking narcissist problem.
For all the above engage law enforcement
@@giatasha2181 you're absolutely correct about getting law enforcement. I was with a narc, found out I'm 1 of many women he was seeing. I didn't want to be a part of it once I found out. He'd drop by any time he felt like it. I was tired of it & made the mistake of running the idea of getting a restraining order to my narc mother. She was livid. Saying don't do it. I had a clean record & she said the police 🚓 in our small town would get to know me. I said I'd tell the woman I found out he was living with. My mother said I'd get a bunch of trouble started. She's telling me what not to do, but not giving any advice on what I should do. Like all narcs do. I eventually moved from the area, but if I run into a similar problem next time, I will be contacting law enforcement. Learning about narcissism, I still regret listening to her & it's been 23 years now since that happened.
Best wishes in getting away from the narcissist, you're doing the right thing. 💙
Big questions. If you need to leave, do not let them know your plans AT ALL. Prepare if you can. If you are being physically abused, contact the police and find a domestic violence shelter to enter while they are locked up. Document everything they do and say to provide validation for a restraining order. If this person is malignant/vindictive, I will not lie to you, it's gonna be rough especially if there are children. Consider your resources versus that of the other person and try to become financially independent. Hire an attorney but don't let the other person find out (they may have people watching you or even a p.i.) There is alot of great info on the web about how to leave a domestic violence situation. Stranger stalking is different. People may be reporting back to the narcissist about you, or it could be a random freak. The first case is harder, because so many people could be involved. In the second case, I would say video cameras are your best ally. Not only do they alert you if someone is around your property, but they offer proof to the police and potentially a face. Final piece of advice: a dog can alert you to prowlers but be careful as these types can and will hurt animals to get at you. Even a cat will respond to disturbances but they don't tend to growl or bark. Good luck, dear, you have me a bit concerned.
Again, this all boils down to the only emotion we should feel toward these types is pity. What a sad, sick way to go through life. Get the hell away from them in every capacity. Even if it’s your ex, your parent you take care of, etc. Minimal or no contact with them is the only way you will keep you being you. They are not important in your life.
You're an amazing man, Dr. Les Carter, and you have had the biggest impact on my life helping me to break free from the trauma of growing up with two narcissistic parents and one golden child bully narcissistic brother. I don't know what I would have done without your videos. Thank you!
I learned to handle my stbx by the acronym JADE.
No Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Explaining.
Thankful I learned to disengage & soon getting out of this Narcissistic nightmare.
Dr. Carter, your videos are life saving!
I wish I had known this 60 years ago. The 2 most prominent narcissists I encountered are now deceased. One of them did have some exceptional talents- but he drove away both of his sons. The other was very low intelligence and applied most of his energy and ability into being a narcissist.
Power over a narcissist is disappearing from their life FOREVER and not looking back! Who the hell wants to live in this type of "relationship"? NO ONE!
Precisely!
This gets exhausting because they are everywhere.
This game is so exhausting. I never wanted to play and I don’t want to play anymore. However, it’s necessary just to get through everyday life. These narcissists walk among us. Thank you for equipping us with these necessary tools to move through the narcissist’s traps and pitfalls seamlessly. Very helpful video.
God makes each and every person different I’m very thankful to him for the fact
I set boundaries with one- he gloated being perversely cruel. So I Cut contact. The other 2 I had extensive history with them growing up. The word ‘boundary’ is not in their ability to understand. So I didn’t bother and just cut contact after their last perverse threats / cruel acts and irrational accusations. The only ‘boundary’ they could ever understand is being throat punched - as akin to their own physical violence and abuse they inflicted on me growing up and it was their way of exerting their perverted penchant for power. Unlike them I’ve never enjoyed hurting people. But not only are they not worth getting arrested for assault for and loss of work opportunities and no longer having the possible tools to stay the hell away from their toxic existence, most importantly they are not worth wasting energy towards. They are irrelevant. 👍🏼 Reflection of our ‘relationship’ the past decades only made me realize cutting contact is easier than what I thought it would be. No guilt, no sadness, only good feelings knowing I won’t be around their toxicity ever again. 🤘🏽😉
Good morning Dr Carter and Gus thank you so much for your videos, your message goes straight to my heart, I had a big cry this morning. I am healing and learning to take care of me and still be kind and respectful, I have needed to walk away from a few relationships and its ok. I have stopped thinking everything is my fault! I am very willing to see my flaws and want to be the best person I can be each day, kind regards from Lauren
Ignoring, avoiding, not responding has worked, even yesterday on Mother’s day had the to spend time around him, thought i outsmarted him, at the end of the night he slyly attacked me. Still I didn’t respond but he ruined my whole day.
I had mine ruined too. Mine screamed at me for 30” as I was driving her to a family dinner. It was horrid. Then acted normal after we arrived.
I have always chosen to take the high road with my narcissistic husband of 18 years. When he is behaving badly....he enjoys raising his voice to me. I ask him if he believes that I treat with respect and he has no hesitation in saying, 'yes'. After 22 years of being together I have begun asking him questions about himself. He claims he never gets angry and he has never had his heart broken. When he becomes absolutely intolerable I maintain my composure and say that I'm not interested in playing his game. Then, I leave the room. I am learning to believe and trust in myself at age 60. There is hope for me because, I'm not giving up on myself. I am looking towards a better future and a second chance at life, with or without him.
So, some of you are wondering if you are a narcissist.
Does your ego demand that everything has to be done your way?
Do you find yourself jealous of those who are more capable? Jealousy includes imbalanced criticism of your target person.
Are you disappointed when a coworker successfully solves a difficult problem?
Nobody should have the power the narcissist thinks he/she has!
Remove their power by being true to yourself. You win by simply not playing their games. You can't control them, but you can control how you react to what they're doing.
It reminds me of how you deal with people who are road raging.
When they step it up to using physical violence or the threat of physical violence, to both shut you down and shut you up, it's really hard to not want to retaliate in the same way. I have never had a real conversation with either of my brothers or my father, because of their narcissism. They will always go back to acting like the bully in the school yard, they always want you to agree with them or else... your getting punched, either physically or metaphorically.
It's difficult when it's family and it goes on for decades and no approach works when trying to get them to see, that THEY themselves might be the problem, not you... because trust me, with narcissists, THEY are never the problem, it will always be you.
Narcissists could be punching you in the face and they would still be saying... look what you're making me do, just because you stuck to the truth and that truth isn't one they wanted to accept. F U fit in with me or I will make you, that's how many of them work. Truth doesn't matter to most of them and good luck trying to reason with them, I've given up after decades of trying, does it make me angry still, yeah sometimes, but what you finally have to accept, is it really is them, NOT YOU.
I am just laughing remembering when my much bigger brother realized he could no longer beat me. fifty years ago.
thanks for this, there is peace in at least IT having a name. When I was younger I thought my Narcissistic mom was just a meth head. (which she was) then after that and she quit, I thought "she has a victim complex", then another decade it was "she is damaged from being on the street", now at 54 years old I finally know she is a narcissist, and it's amazing to see just how textbook someone so unhinged can be. It's like having hours and hours of someone saying "and then does she do this? YESSSSSS I know, it's not your fault". so yeah took me 54 years to give it a name, and after 54 years I finally ready to go low low low contact. Birthday phone calls, Merry Xmas. etc. Thats all I have left, she bullied the rest.
That dog back there chilling 😂
Just this morning I purchased This is me course, listened to the first video and it’s already worth the investment. I’m looking forward to diving into it further. I can’t go through life with no/very little boundaries, it’s too tiring emotionally. Best of luck for everyone going through their healing journey x
Thanks Dr. C. I remember working out as an early adult that I was the common denominator in the relationship issues I had. Yes, others intimidated me but I don't have control over others, but my response was to always succumbed to them. It was only when I went to a numerologist and she said "why are you giving me your power? I don't want it". I had no idea what she meant until I did more reflection, research, and I went on a vision quest to help me learn more about myself. Self empowerment has been a scary, eye opening process. As soon as I started to say no or stick to my own views and feelings, to people from my past, they immediately reacted poorly and ghosted me. It was amazing how quickly the overly "nice" folks switched to a "how dare you" reaction. Oh well, I am glad as clearly we are not compatible. But I do wish I had of been honest with myself and others a lot earlier. 🤷
I have power over myself, that is more than enough! It's empowering and feels great!
Good point!
Say No!!
It really doesn't work unless you obey or flatter them and let go. They can't understand. Glad to hear intra and inter personal. They are core in peer to peer learning.
Thank you, you're so right about everything. Its so very true. I got C-Ptsd from abuse. I am a Empath. I am 47 and i am the oldest of five children my parents had. I went to Jesus cause of the abuse. Jesus is our hope. I been a Christian for over ten years now. I know my worth and values. My peace comes from God. God is great all the time. I walk away from Narcissists. I stay calm and stay quiet. Its not worth it to say anything to them since Narcissists don't get it . I enjoy doing things on my own by my self now. I always been the black sheep in my family. Both my parents are Narcissists so is my grandmother. My brothers and sisters are Narcissists Enablers. Narcissists enablers are just as bad as Narcissists. Narcissists are liars. Narcissists are insecure people who are broken people. Narcissists never loved us at all. Narcissists dont care about us at all. Narcissists always act like the victim. Narcissists are pure evil souls from the Devil. Narcissists are fake and phony people .
Thank you for brillant advice dr Carter. Being assertive, holding strong boundaries, trusting the self and being self confident and most of all commiting yourself to LOVE are the things which will help us greatly in dealing with the narcisists. And of course no contact or minimal contract with them and maximal contact with healthy people. ❤
Yes, very damaged, very pitiful.
Yes, if they are a spiritual narcisitst, they will try to inspire the 4 horsemen of the appocolypse, or the 7 deadly sins, so they feel righteous over you. Don't follow their lead. Arm yourself with knowledge of what emotions or "sins" they are projecting/trying to manipulate you into while hoping you'll not be emotionally intellegent enough to know their motives. Move in silence away from their lead and find honest, courageous people to be with.
Thank you Dr. Carter, I truly gain so much insight from you, and what I need to find that inner peace the narcissist took from me. I'm not going to play his silent treatment game. His emotional IQ is like a 15 yr old. He will block me, then unblock don't answer, then block me again. It's bizarre, and I want no more to do with his hurtful games I didn't deserve. I just keep asking why, why is he so cold, heartless. I will never know, and I can't sit around ruminating over it. Thank you, it's always a pleasure watching and learning from you, and seeing Gus there also. 😊
Thanks, Susan.
Great Video!. I was good at this part of dealing with my Narc. The mistake I made happen in the beginning, where I let her own the house. I did this because, she was so insecure that it appeared to be the only way to live together. Once she figured out she wasn't going to obtain absolute power, and it took about 7 years, because I was trying really hard to let a lot of her behavior slide, she used the house against me. I did not prepare, so I had to hang on even tighter near the end, just to survive. Ultimately, she waited until I was totally broken down emotionally and mentally, and then forced me out very quickly when It would cause the most chaos and pain. Lessons have been learned. Sure wish I had these videos to learn from in the beginning, but I had no Idea what a Narcissist even was. Now I know, oh boy do I know!
best one yet! I could feel my heart rate lowering to its normal rate. Thank you Dr. C.
This may not be true for everyone but for me power is being true to myself, regardless of who I'm dealing with. One thing I was blessed with was an innate sense of self from birth. I am who I am. If you don't like it, move on. That has led to a great deal of conflict within my religious community, as it's astonishing how many people do not want me to be my authentic self. Ditto for the family I was born into. But being firm about having ethics and standards and a sense of what I value and what I do not has served me well. There are things that are acceptable and things that are not, and the lines are firm. Step over them and you're gone. I told my ex when I married him that I had rules and if he broke them, I'd throw him out. He broke them, I threw him out. I don't think he thought I would. He was, and is, a fool. Power is being authentic. Some people won't get it, won't like it, will tell you you're breaking the rules or out of line. Oh, well. I can think of a lot of people I admire who did, too. When my life is over, I won't regret a single authentic thing I did.