How Can I Make It up to My Spouse That I Have Cheated?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 12 ก.ค. 2024
- Today Samuel answers a viewer's question about making it up to the betrayed spouse.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
To anyone out there don’t do it man , it’s not worth it . The grass is not greener on the other side. What ever story you are telling yourself in your mind as to why you’re doing what you’re doing is completely wrong and just a bunch of bs excuse for your behavior. Hurting the person that’s with you will be your biggest regret in life . Trust me it will destroy you and everyone around. Listen ITS NOT WORTH IT DO NOT RUIN YOUR LIFE!! if there is something you’re missing talk to your spouse and see what can be done .
I tried to warn my partner when I would see him entertaining women and he said I was paranoid and he ended up cheating and got caught cause the woman fiance figured it out and dropped me clues and we both was looking for them one night pretty pissed off.
Thank you Samuel. Yes, we the betrayed will never be the same. The sleepless nights, the nightmares, the anxiety...I pray that one day I can feel normal again.
♥️ I feel you. Hugs
how you feeling now
FACTS
Amen! I know what your saying 🫶🏼
Sad when the person cheats then expects for you to take them back like nothing happened nah we loyal ppl never go back to cheaters why cuz you will get hurt AGAIN
It's been two and a half months and I don't think my wife is even close to understanding the damage she has done to me and to us.
It is very hard to understand it unless you have been betrayed. I thought I knew what cheating and infidelity was but now it's happened to me I realise that I had very little knowledge and understanding of the concept at all.
It's hard because we need them to understand to some degree. It's the hardest thing I've been through (not that I'm through) and I've had some tough times.
Do you have an update on the situation?
I know what you are living through and with the proper help she may, don't give up
Yes, my wife can never make it up to me, but after the 2nd day of the Boot Camp on Affair Recovery, she actually "got it"! She took responsibility for the damage and hurt caused by her actions and we are soon going to an EMS weekend! I waited 47 years to hear those words from her and the pain that I have carried in slowly draining away!
Wow, I waited 8 years, she took responsibility, own it etc. But I can’t forgive her because the ap is bigger horse size, fuck her brain out and she was planning to leave me. She was in love and didn’t care for me anymore. She hide everything even when I confronted her. Now she’s begging for me. But I’m done and ready to move on without her. She’s destroy I don’t want her no more.
My partner cheated and lied for 2 years, he came clean in the end and we are trying to work through it, but I can't get over the thoughts that everything nice he does, or any effort he makes, he does it because he did what he did and not because he feels it. If that makes sense. I had to tell him what I needed from him and he did listen and he does those things, but I can't escape the feeling that he does it because he was told and not because he feels like that should be done. Those feelings are making me want to leave him because I can't tell that difference.
If he did not love you he would not try and stay around and fix it. His cheating has made him more aware of things is all. Like doing loving things more often
Sometimes the I'll do anything promise makes it feel like it comes from guilt/penance and not from love
But there are people that have walked away from it and decided not to come back. He is working at it because he loves you. Its so scary to think that my BS can be thinking this because I am trying very hard to work at it. So if you feel like this....its really crazy.
Also am just so scared and always think if the BS would always be like this isn't it better for them to move on without you? and you be a better person and move on to another and never hurt them but at least....your display of sincere and true love won't be seen as fake. I mean this after it has been some years.
I'm a betrayed. I will tell you that men have to be told what you need. We don't get it by ourselves. My unfaithful had a list of what I needed and wouldn't do any of it. I can't tell you what to do, but from my experience an unfaithful won't try if they don't care.
Thank you Samuel. This one HIT THE HEART SPACE for me, the betrayed. I will try to show it to my husband, the unfaithful, but I'm guessing he'll do as he's done in the past. Squeal his tires down the driveway & running away, but not before punching another hole in the wall, or breaking more dishes
Honestly, I don't know where I'd be without this safe place... where I feel understood, not crazy, and, most of all, hopeful. Yet another amazingly spot on video. As always, humble thanks.
I am very tired with this situation. I don't know what I need to learned from this........I am loosing hope. The only thing I know this is really difficult...
4 months later if trying and I’m starting to feel hopeless. I hope my efforts brings the love of my life back in my life
How did it go
Thank you Samuel. It's a bittersweet truth but grateful for it.
I would really like to thank you. Your videos have opened by eyes to some of my faults with my unfaithful wife. I've implemented some of your suggestions I've sent her many many many of your videos. And told her that she needs to step up and start doing her recovery work for her and myself so I can focus on myself my career in our house because I'm overwhelmed. Thank you for your effort in helping us others that are going through this.
Excellent video Samuel
I don’t know how else to say this but thank you! These videos have helped me as the betrayed spouse and I send them to my wayward spouse. Thank you!
Great video, I am trying on the daily to win her back. Some days good some days bad. It hits hard when Sammuel says I have changed every way she thinks. It sucks that I hurt her so bad. Thank you
😥
How could I not know how much I'd hurt me husband? I was unfaithful early on in my marriage before we had kids. It's been 11 1/2 years. I can't get over my affair and how horrible I was for putting him through that pain. He said that he's forgiven me. But how could he? I feel everyday like I don't deserve him. He tells me that I am a good wife. So why am I the one who can't forgive myself? Am I playing the victim? I do everything In my power to show him how much I appreciate him every single day.
He deserves the best. But I feel like because of my affair that he deserves better than me. I still feel unworthy of his love. My affair has changed me and how I see myself forever.
Thats a beautiful thing you wrote from the heart. Maybe you could show your husband and he can heal your pain and release you so you can move on into freedom together.
@@mary-ann2294 Thank you
This sounds like you need to forgive yourself... Sometimes the hardest to forgive is oneself. ❤️🩹
This is one of my favorites. We are 2 years out and I often get the feeling I should just be over it! Things that my husband changed in the beginning when he came home are now sliding back to how things were before. I shared with him this video and he apologized and said it helped him understand what is not been able to communicate. Thank you so much again!
my pleasure.
This is very very helpful. What excellent choice of words and suggestions. Be sorry of who you were and not that you got caught
Such a good good good video! I dont want the unfaithfuls to feel like "its a lost cause then". No. Thats not what Samuel says. Its just like: compared to 'missing someones birthday' or 'stepping on someones feet' - infidelity is not stg that you can do and then do stg 'really great' and everything is going to be okay at the end of the day.
My partner and I went through this & I am so grateful that he understood this. The change in his attitude made a HUGE difference.
Im sending positive energies both to the unfaithful and the betrayed. To the betrayed for the most obvious reasons, but to the unfaithful too because it then really comes down to the point when its no longer possible to deny or postpone the need for self-examination. And while you are sort of forced to confront issues that you supressed for perhaps your whole life, you NEED TO give aid to the betrayed. Its hard yes, but its not the betrayed's fault. Its the unfaithful who got himself/herself here. So hence I send strength and positive energies.
Great words!
Ouch these hurt. Four years out any my unfaithful wife remains very distant and disconnected. She has taken my heart and shattered it with the initial D-Day four years ago and has never tried to pursue me, show me any affection my ailing and aching heart craves and longs for, and just continues to stomp all over what is left of my wounded heart on a daily basis.
So much for trying to be a nice, kind Christian husband who has fought for this marriage covenant for years and years with no reciprocating love to show for it. Living the dream - a dead dream.
I'm really sorry to hear.....
🙏😢
Sorry to hear friend. But things will change
Thanks for these video
Good video ...thanks for the advice
Thanks Samuel, very useful guidelines
2 years from dday. I have asked and begged for him to win me back. He treats every day like it never happened. No surprises for me...no flowers.. no date nights... nothing. Working around the house like a H is supposed to do is not winning me back. Woo me... and he hasn't. He chooses himself on keeping in his safe space over me. He won't put himself out there in case I reject his offers...I'm out of ideas.
pull back, don't give him the best of you anymore. use these two articles to get him to take action: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change it can't always be on his terms.
Ditto...
Any advice my wife cheated on me but she’s a ring like she’s not sorry - I think it’s because she sees I want to sorknon things and gives he idea what she didnwasnt a big deal?
How does she make her feel like she should want to save our marriage and be empathetic
I don't know your specific circumstance or either of you, but based on my own relationship I have to ask.. Have you told him openly and clearly what it is you want from him? That is, not during a fight nor being demanding. My partner is a very intelligent man, but when it comes to relationships..Not so smart. I have to literally clarify what it is I want/hope for/expect/etc when conversations come up. Sometimes we have to have multiple conversations and I approach the subject from different perspectives until the light of realization dawns on him. But you know, in the end, he comes through like a trooper once he 'gets it' (what I am in want of).
"You have to win me back," or "I want you to woo me," are generalizations. That doesn't explain what it is you truly want from him, how you want him to go about it and what it is you would like more of from him. Some people need a little more help than others, so maybe next time you two discuss these wants of yours not being met - talk to him like he is a five year old and spell it out for him (without insulting his intelligence or being snippy).
Also, you might take a look into Gary Chapman's book "The Five Love Languages." Read it aloud with your partner (if they are willing), discuss the chapters and the questions aloud, create a safe place between you two for those conversations. It's a book about how people have different needs to feel loved, and sometimes we think we are doing everything right in loving them, but they have a different love language and require being loved differently than you are trying. It was a HUGE help in my partner and I learning to love one another how we wanted/needed to be loved while rebuilding from his affair. Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight was the other book with the most profound and positive impact on our relationship (we read loads of books together, but those two were our Holy Grail), which helped us greatly diminish how we were setting one another off and not communicating properly.
Wishing you all the patience, joy and love on your path. xox
I try to smile. I try to grin and bear it only to hit that old pain. Just as intense and gut wrenching as d day #1. Today marks 1 1/2 years. Maybe this is another step towards accepting where I am and what her choices cost. Just hurting today. Thanks for the video Samuel.
Good video...especially the work on "me" part.
Perfectly said. Live like you want make your spouse PROUD of you & thankful for you & in such a way that helps her-his loved ones feel like she’s/he’s no longer in danger.
My unfaithful finally confessed 8 months go-to an affair 35 years ago with a close family member of mine. Unfortunately the past 35 years was not the reality I thought it was.... he now admits to treating me badly but sees no need for "affair recovery " since it was so long ago. The resulting years of disregard and demeaning have shattered everything that I thought was real.
Sadly... stupidly... fortunately- whether it's Stockholm syndrome or true love, after 41 years together I love him and have a heart attachment to him. I have suggested that he listens to these videos... I pray that he does.😔
I sure wish I had seen the video about whether to confront the other woman before I did so.... absolutely spot on
He is right though. It happened 35 years ago and doesn't negate at all everything that happened since then. Only your perception of it and he cannot help or control that.
@@ElimEx1yes it does cause it was all built on something he kept secret all those years.
Exactly. My love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. Her taking thought of that is what will help me recover.
On what planet does this happens where the one that cheats wants to make it up? My wife had affair and says I don’t feel
Bad and I deserved it and no remorse and wants to leave now ..
It’s true can’t make it up it’s a line can’t ever cross its undathomable how someone does such a heinous thing -
No matter the arguements no matter what happened you don’t donthis to someone. Theybdont even think of their kids.
Im damages for life. And now if she wants to leave it’s maybe better I don’t have to deal with it.
Thank you sir🙏🏾
Thank you Samuel. Please, translate to Spanish. There are so many unfaithful and betrayed partners in the Latino community that do not understand these points. I have been struggling to put into words my emotions and needs from my partner and this helped a lot. But if you made some videos with a Spanish voice over or translation it would mean the world to me. Thank you ❤
Can you make video about how deal with negative family members and friends after the affair and if the person whom had the affair is no longer in the home.
I hurt my boyfriend, I am aware of that. I love him so much, we have been together for a year and a half, but the relationship started to be so much for me. Also I struggle with mental issues and I have tendencies to self destruct. I made out with some guy, I was totally sober and didn’t regret it at first, but after a few days it hit me. I realised how much I have hurt the person I love the most. I told him and I don’t think he will ever forgive me. I struggle with suicidal thoughts and I’m so scared what will my brain make me do. I failed as a partner and I crossed all of the lines, and I feel like I have to pay for it. I don’t know how I could live without him.
Please seek counseling stranger. Permanent solutions to temporary problems aren't good.
I dont feel like its something that an unfaithful person can make up. But it seems like the unfaithful will remain as the mistake in the relationship. The unfaithful seems to have the responsibility of doing whatever the betrayed wants to help them because of the pain that was caused. Meanwhile it is a constant cloud of shame/guilt over the unfaithful's head and it is a cycle that will drain the relationship all together. Yes, the betrayed will never be the same again. That is with or without the unfaithful being there reminding them of the pain they caused. Is the marriage truly able to thrive ever again? Is that even possible?
Omg almost made me cry
Timing is key to everything… but it’s not a fun feeling gotta live thru it 😢
So true...
As the person you was betrayed I really wish there was a way for him to make it up to me.
very hopeless sounding video. I’m the betrayer and we are a year out. busting our tail to make things right after my affair. i take full responsibility for my affair. This just made me feel hopeless like nothing I do will help with the destruction I caused to my wife. we have done ems online and are watching your videos and reading every affair book on the planet togather. I know you say it won’t always feel this way but today’s video made me feel like there is a high possibility that it may always be this way. I don’t want to give up on my wife and family but some days I grow weary of the journey. I know i caused this and the position that i am at today I caused. i know this but wow i’m so drained from the emotions.
Forgiven Forever It isn’t hopeless at all. Samuel told you the steps you could take to help make your marriage better going forward. Become a better person and a better husband for her.
This is a lifelong journey! Affairs never leave the betrayed time helps but you will be at this for the rest of your life. Lets look at it this way she could have took her life. Then you would have felt guilt till you took your last breathe but at least you have her even if it’s a life long struggle. Be thankful she still love you.
You didn't get what he's saying. LISTEN AGAIN to Samuel.
Thank You for your Video's. Yes after 25 years of being envolved with my former I will not be the same. We do talk and share a pet Hopefully someday she can come across your videos and take responsibility for her actions if not God's Grace will have to Suffice.
And yes it's good to realize that after finding out about the affair that I am probably suffering from a form of PTSD that explains the sleeplessness and other apprehensions I have been having I can deal with it head on instead of wondering why I having the trama.
Nope. I can't look at her and have the same feelings. It hurts! May God have mercy on me, because I can't stand it.
How do you move past the fact that someone else was intimate with your spouse, touched her in places and ways only you were supposed to?
1. it's a process. 2. it requires expert care. 3. healing is possible and forgiveness is possible. 4. it's not overnight and while it may not seem possible right now, it can be and will be with the right help and process and timeline.
I understand you completely. It's been almost 8 months now and I can honestly say it's better. However, I owe this to first and foremost my trust in God. Second, my husband has taken full responsibility and works on his recovery and being safe everyday. We also did the EMS weekend and that has helped him understand the bond he broke. Hang in there, find some spiritual help if you can. The triggers and first several months are brutal, but don't lose hope and do your recovery work.
Over the last two years I have had to work through a lot of issues brought on by the devastation my partner created with his three year affair, and a big part was being able to 'reclaim' him physically, to erase that uncomfortable sense of someone else having been there. To not have thoughts surface of them together when we are trying to be intimate (the obsessive thoughts have been a huge problem with me in my recovery). To not wonder if what we were doing was something they did, and was he comparing her performance to mine? Was he thinking about her while we are intimate to add to his arousal? The level of insecurity his affair has stirred in me has been unbearable and filled me with such humiliation.
I want you to listen to me: If you are patient and both you and your partner are 100% onboard to rebuild your relationship and to not violate the boundaries of the relationship again, you can get past some of those feelings. The insecurity will take a lot longer to overcome, and in my case at 22 months of relationship recovery in progress, I still have insecurities I am trying to work with. However, there will come a time when you can hold your partner and will finally have that sense of 'they are mine again.' In my case, I can pinpoint an evening when we were just laying in bed holding one another, my head on his chest, and for the first time since his affair had that warm and comforting sense that he was my partner once again and not this cruel person who harmed me. Keep trying. Keep working at it. It will come to you.
My suggestion to you is to try to look at your partner as a whole person and not a jigsaw puzzle of where someone else touched them or not. I know it is difficult, but you can and will overcome the weirded out sense of someone else having been there. Just keep at it, everything is a process. You will have your moment, too. ♥
Great answers! I feel the pain it hurts so bad.
So my partner moved out. This is the second time we've experienced this. He said he spent all the time in between trying to make me happy and he shouldn't have been. I didn't even know how to respond. I guess this is it there really is no making up especially because we did everything incorrectly after the first time. No wonder we were here again. I did HH which was extremely eye-opening for me. He makes me feel that I'm wrong because he was trying to make up for it and nothing worked.
Thank you for explaining the impacts to us, betrayed spouses very well and how much it will take for them to make things better.
Now we only hope that they watch this video and learn something very important, and save betrayed spouse’s broken heart and life whether stay in marriage or not.
My husband infidelity is so fresh. He has given up on our marriage as he couldnt handle how I am coping my pain. He said he will.do everything to make it up with me but one day he just gave up our marriage. I hope he knew how hurtful it that he left and j hope he can hear this.
Irish Hopkins I feel your pain
I feel your pain my wife has done the same to me we are now 6 months after i found out of a 2 year affair with a man that's 20 years older than her and I'm absolutely devastated. I questioned her for 14 months i knew but not 100% .She hasn't done any recovery work, she hasn't put any effort towards our relationship. she just wants to sweep it under the rug and move on about our lives. I keep threatening divorce and trying to do that repair work. But that is going to stop just hold your head up have faith always remember if it doesn't work out there's always somebody better in this world. there's somebody for somebody anywhere anytime no matter what .
@@mikeal5150 are you twi still together? Has she changed?
I cheated on my wife once and found out a month after I was pregnant. I didn’t wanna hurt but it’s was hard to deal with her after she hit me. I try to forgive her and she just got worst so I turned to a friend for comfort and to vent not thinkinh that one thing was gonna lead to another. I loved who she use to be but once the abuse started I didn’t know what to do and I lost with this one because I really broke and betrayed her when I never wanted to do that
If the unfaithful keeps his phone locked with passwords along with his emails, and social media and refuses to share it with the betrayed spouse because the unfaithful wants privacy, is this too much for the betrayed spouse to ask? No phone locks and passwords? Or should the betrayed spouse just respect the privacy of the other half?
after infidelity, it seems too much to ask and is a red flag. there needs to be boundaries too it and there has to be respect but it's concerning at the very least.
you have every right to ask for the passwords
I’m having problems with my husband, not trying to help fix our marriage after he cheated within someone within our circle!? Do you have any ideas? He claims he wants to work it out and change for me but I’m not setting anything!? I want to work it out, at the moment but i feel like giving up!
see if he will do work with you. there are ways you can see if he will join in with you and you can find them on our site here: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses if he's not willing to do any work or commit to doing anything like that, perhaps it's just lip service. at the end of the day it will at least foster a conversation to see how serious he is or isn't.
I know
Once the trust is gone there's no relationship. I dont think anything can be done after an affair.
Nope I tried for a long time but couldn't get pass that while I was the excited partner hopelessly in love and catering to them every day, they were sleeping with the secretary who was engaged to their bossy. It was embarrassing and sickening and they still acted like it was no big deal, both of them did.
Can the betrayed spouse feel like the dumpe because she just had to react after you "decided" to dump her by being unfaithful?
Hi Samuel, it's 11 weeks after D-day? He refused to talk and wants to Divorce. We are now still living together but he wants to move and hence Il rather I move instead if he had too. How do I at this stage, try to repair the damage? How do I show my love when he doesn't want to look or talk to me?
hi there. it sounds tough indeed...i'm not sure he sounds open to much. maybe the best thing you can do is work on you and give him space? sometimes surrender and space are helpful approaches to let things calm down. you can still work on you and do your own work to heal though.
@@samshealingpodcast thanks Samuel. I had done the bootcamp and I have started seeing psychologist, but somehow I don't feel they know how it's like. Now sure how he will feel if I forward any videos that's useful for him.
@@samshealingpodcast Samuel, give him space, good idea to move out?
@@samshealingpodcast Samuel, just want to thank you for your advise. I shifted out 2 weeks after.. For 3 months and I shifted back home. He allowed me to shift back. He was better after 8-9mths from D day..we had a few outings that's very rare as our progress if any is very slow but at least he has stopped talking about divorce.. but sadly, on my birthday, which is 11 mths after D day, my affair partner sent me flowers and I decided to dump it and not tell him. In the end.. He asked me was it that I received flowers after 3 weeks.. And I admitted. He went spiral and asked for a divorce and now is 15mths after D day. He said he is firmed to move on as he does not want to be on downward spiral. He said he is tired. Samuel, any advise?
@@TheForeverLoveKD how are things now?
I havent been faithful for many years.. my wife and I got together when we were teenagers and I have texted other women and I'm a few cases held on to feelings for some. I never slept with anyone else but came very close in high school. My wife told me today she cant forgive me and doesnt think it will work... do you have any advice? I'm newly sober and trying to be the best father and husband I can be for my children. But even I am having doubts and thinking why did I come clean....
i would ask her to get help with you from us, before she makes any final decisions. I would ask her to do repair work to SEE if the marriage can be saved and if not, then you'll both walk away and find new lives. but before that decision is made, get expert help, do a small process of work and then see. our ems weekend can help for sure.
As a wife, I would ask you why you do it? What are you getting from this? It doesn't make logical sense and her head must be spinning.
I guess I should just assume if effort is made and she still cheats it was meant to happen. I cheated on her so its only right.
My spouse cheated on me multiple times to the point where I went behind their back and cheated on them and I fully regret it and I’m devastated on what I did. I went that low on my spouse and i don’t know what to do to make that up to them as well. Yes I was hurt as well many times. I know it will take time for both of us to heal.
No you didn't cheat. When someone cheats they checked out, the marriage is over, they reverse the consumption of the vows. You are thinking of marriage on paper and that you said I do, however, a marriage is a marriage if spiritually marriage and she cut the cord viciously when she cheated and that is why you are so hurt, and so since the cord is cut there was no marriage. You can't cheat on someone who didn't play fair. When someone cheats they continue to cheat IN THE MIND and other ways, cause they introduced the spirit of their demon in the marriage. Cheaters cheated other ways before sexually so they are well trained to still cheat in other ways like fantasizing about other people, emotional cheating when away from the spouse...etc. they do not stop cheating just never get caught again.
I had cheated over a year ago when I relapsed on drugs for free drugs. I wanna make it right and have been clean for almost a year. I know how my fiancé feels. I just want to regain that trust I broke and lost. It kills me inside because I have never cheated in any of my past relationships. But this one I did and I don’t know why I did. It was nothing she did or wasn’t doing. I saw the opportunity to get free drugs and ran with it. It was one time and I have not done it since. It was only that 1 time. And that’s what it’s going to stay at. I am truly am remorseful and filled with pain because I had broken a promise and hurt her!!!
If u even think of the time you had with the other person it's cheating, if you check out other people it's cheating if you have emotional affairs and say we just cool it's cheating BECAUSE you cheated the most foul way already.
3years and still hurting! What’s wrong with me? The progress is happening but it’s so slow.
Julie Petulla same here it’s been 3 years and I’m tired of hurting after all this time
nothing is wrong with you. it takes time and expert care. what help have you received my friend? have you been able to get infidelity specific help at all?
Julie Petulla. I’m in the same place, Julie.... 3 1/2 years 😢
@@loreej2479 still with him?
Are you ladies feeling better? I don't want the pain to go on forever.
It is easy to grow weary of having to be labeled the betrayer or the unfaithful. Sometimes you just want to be the good person you or have grown to be. I can definitely relate to feelings of hopelessness and despair. We the unfaithful deserve a clean slate and happiness too. Life is short. I just want to be happy too. Not made to feel like I’m making this up to him the rest of my life. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
not wrong, but keep in mind empathy for how we unfaithful decimate their whole lives and psyche's due to our choices. it takes process and time my friend. each situation is different and it depends on how much time has passed and work has been done before we're asking for clean slates.
Listen to Samuel my friend. It's not the end of the world.
October 5, 2022 will be one year since his last contact with the other woman. He has promised to change and make me see that he has never loved anyone else and it was only conversation for him but it was a secret, which made it an emotional affair. He has remained true to his word but he has still lost my trust. We have been married 50 years and I would never have expected it. It broke my heart and I will never forget it. He has tried hard but I have been left to make sense of what happened. He says he felt disconnected and did enjoy just catching up with an old friend. I see now that it was more than that to her, even though he was stupid and didn’t realize that the conversations that they had over everyday life were leading her on. She became the pursuer and he didn’t see that he should have cut it off. I raged and made him really sorry but never cut him off. I worked on us and me. In the last week, I saw something that made the light come on that I might be able to forgive and then maybe trust again. I read that when there is a disconnect with your partner, empathy goes away and you may do things that you would never have done if you were putting your partner first. Her constant contact (she lives 5 hours away) kept him disconnected and I began questioning it about 2 months after she started messaging him. I didn’t know for 9 months. I truly believe it was platonic on his part but the secretive aspect made it painful for me. He lied and was defensive before realizing that what he had done was a betrayal. I feel that AR and these videos have helped me understand how it happened, how I should work from my end and how we can make it and not have it be the defining thing in our marriage. I see a light at the end of the tunnel now and there is not a train behind it. He is working through it with counseling and now I feel hopeful. It has been a very sad year. I want to give others hope that if you both work on it, you can be happy again. No lies, no matter how hurtful the truth is. You can’t heal without the whole truth. The faster that happens, the soon the healing starts. ☮️ & ❤
I'm happy for you. You're fortunate.
Thanks for this video