When "strong" children turn into hyper independent adults. (you weren't supposed to be strong).
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Cartoons taught me the values my mother would say she's proud I had.
Television and video games told me the stories she'd claim helped shape me.
School gave me the intelligence she thought I inherently from her.
My friends and partners were the family she claimed she was.
She was merely an egg donor. I was the child and the parent.
Enough people don't realize that childhood may be the shortest time of the lifespan but the most consequential. As a child, you're literally learning how to be human so every experience good or bad becomes hard wired for how you will deal with the rest of life.
Perfectly said.
It is also assumed that "strong" children are unable to admit that they're weak. However, in my personal experience, when individuals who are perceived as strong are explicit about being vulnerable or weak, they are often not believed or taken seriously. This is because they often don't act in the accredited ways a weak person should act. The upshot is that fail to get the support they ask for which reinforces the pattern of self-reliance.
I've grown up as the "strong" child, despite being super sensitive and emotional.
When I chose to stop being so independent as an adult and start relying on others more for once (because I knew it was an issue), I somehow thought that people would receive it very well and that they would be happy to support me. Boy, was I wrong! It didn't go so well...
I thought I would stop doing it, because again, people would fail me as always. But then I realised that there ARE a select few I can rely on (even though I still don't, most of the time lol).
To anyone out there that's trying to do the same for the first time and seeing it's not working, I'd say hang in there - give it time, give different people a chance whenever you feel ready, and take things slowly. Don't just try to rely on two people, get rejected, decide that this can't work for you and give up.
It's already difficult enough learning to rely on others when you never have before... so having to re-experience that pain might make it look like it's not worth it, but I think it is. You got this :)
Also interestingly enough, as many more people on this channel, I've come here because of the limerence videos. I became limerent for someone who also happened to have a massive crush on me and was the only person I could genuinely rely on for a time.
Ultimately we couldn't be together, and that made me realise how much I lacked and needed that support from others which I never allowed myself to seek or have. Fucking hurt and still does, but it was a massive eye-opener and probably a blessing in disguise.
Thanks for reading this far! Great video!
Yeah!!! But of course the same people who loved to dump all their problems on us won't be the same people who are willing to help when we ask. That's the issue!!! Becoming balanced and meeting other balanced people. 💚
Love how you reflected on this experience. And happy to see limerent crew move through different content 🙂
My parents didn't even have another child till i was 16. And they were rich, she didn't have to work either in or out of the house, had a maid, and despite all that she totally ignored me and if i ever asked for a little comfort i was raged at. Now she wonders why we're not close. I also had to go to school alone at six crossing a scary city, while she stayed at home doing who knows what. I hate them.
I feel you. My mom acts like we should be closer even though I have no memories of her ever being there for me unless it involved hearing her complain. Like you my mom had no excuses to not be there she chose not to be there.
💗
@@user-hn1yu8nd5i Well she missed the most important thing one can have in life: a mother daughter relationship. I'm sorry you went through that.
🫂 🫂
Same...
I went No Contact with them 2 years ago.
Strong and hyper independent children also become control freaks or complete avoidants.
True. Avoidant can be a cycle of avoiding help to avoid facing discomfort.
Very true, I've come out as a hyper independent adult, who is emotionally avoidant.
Absolutely. Such an isolating experience all around. Isolation when it happened & then, more isolation to cope with it.
I'm the latter. I was the eldest by 10 and 11 years to my two little brothers. Both parents worked, so I had to step up as babysitter, and was changing diapers plus bath by age 11. All on top of the usual chores like mowing the lawn, washing dishes, and laundry.
Edit, sorry I hit the submit button by mistake.
Fast forward to today, I live alone in a house I paid off. With a couple decades of experience in the trades. So not only can I maintain and modify my own house, but keep it clean, and yard work, and chores. Oh and work in construction.
All from learning independence at an early age.
@@kikijewell2967 Always good to be blamed for my parents abuse. Thanks.
For some of us, being put in a position to be "strong" at a very young age causes us to either lose our true selves or not fully develop at all.
Parts of your brain(and heart) are completely closed or deformed because of insufficient love and care.
I'm not jaded, resentful, or even bitter. I'm just not fully here. I really can't relate to most people. I don't feel what they feel. I don't even understand it, I just spent a lot of time in the past mimicking.
I didn't even realize that I was doing it.
I'm just now starting to realize why I've done it and everything I lost to be this way.
Part of my humanity was denied.
Part of my soul was ignored.
I never had one relationship where my needs were completely met.
I don't know if I can fully heal from this because what supposedly would make me stronger as a young person has crippled me (figuratively and literally) as an adult.
I'm still working on myself though. I'm still trying to form relationships.
I do believe (real) love is the cure.
But, it is exhausting never meeting just one person online or in real life that I can relate to/understand what I've been through and cares enough to stay.
I have recently realised I'm ashamed of having needs.
You also hit the nail on the head with "regressing" and becoming too needy once I open up about having needs.
Thank you for the video. It's therapeutic abd made me seen. Definitely food for thought.❤
My parents always said ‘we don’t need to worry about you, it’s your sister we have to worry about. My parents and sister fought a lot but she also got all of their support and nothing was left for me. Also I learned that being silent and not expressing my needs kept them from yelling at me like they did my sister, so I stayed quiet. I struggle a lot as an adult with communication, I isolate a lot, I don’t ask for help. I know this isn’t healthy, because I want help, I crave attention.. but I can’t put myself out there.
I can resonate in my own way . I felt like that with my brother . My brother and my dad would fight & there would be a lot of yelling and throwing stuff . I grew up feeling like I didn’t want to be a burden to my parents and never felt like they checked up on me to see if I was okay . I learned to just be silent and deal with how I felt alone . Me and my family would never really talk about our emotions
I hear you. It's challenging to put yourself out there when you've been failed so much. I found that therapy helps so much with this as it gives you that first, good experience of someone actually being able to hold space for your needs.
Man, I hate how this is relatable, sometimes I gaslight myself into thinking this behaviour is normal, one time my parents told me this sorta behaviour is normal, so I said to them don’t you think it’s a problem if this is normal and it’s okay to do this sorta stuff to people, after that they’ve been a lot nicer to me, but I still struggle with certain stuff with them I would rather forget, don’t get me wrong I love them, but certain things I can’t forgive
Ha, this one time they put me into a skirts and forced me to clean my room because I got side tracked (turns out I have severe adhd brain scan and everything) it really messed with my sense of masculinity and for years I could never look at my parents again, sometime I would feel the skirts around my thighs where I could pull it up my legs, I spent the whole time crying, I didn’t tell them that it ever drugged into my legs as I hide it from them at the time, at one point whenever I got really stressed I can’t why shorts of jeans as it feels like my legs are suffering
My mother who always protected the abusers in the household and made sure truth would never come out and no accountability would ever be allowed. I grew up knowing I was alone and spent my days outside as much as possible. Until adulthood where I could actually escape. In my adult life I had to learn…just how alone I’ve been. And my mother would write a letter to my son saying “oh your mother is very strong and independent”. Just YUCK. She forced this onto me. I cannot trust myself let alone anyone else people have been predatory like I smell good to predators like they SENSE my aloneness. Amazing. Amazing. How many people just want to devour you and eat up your identity with confusion and weird words and allowing awful behavior encouraging depravity and religious victim mentality. Pretending pretenders everywhere.
...You're a real one for this.
I wish you health and healing.
Wow
I survived. I took on both of my parents adult issues at the age of 6. I don’t have many close friends. I take care of everything on my own. My parents checked out very early in my life. My happiness, my innocence, my kindness is limited. I am bitter and resentful of people who never had to struggle and who had caring parents. My needs have never been met. So medication and therapy are my crutch as an adult. I have no children because I have health problems and would never want to do what my parents did to me to an innocent child. Working on moving past my childhood issues is a bigger mountain than I expected to try to climb.
I understand fully! You are loved ❤
if you feel attracted to it: meditation gave me the reference of who I am beneath it all so despair never really got to me after that bc I knew the solution was in me and unscaved.
@@Puuws thank you. I’ve tried it. It doesn’t really work well for me, but I’m glad it gave you peace. I do think CPTSD is very real.
honestly im more jealous than resentful in my case, i wish i had parents like those kids who had caring good parents best i can do is give my future kids the experience i could not receive, i think in a way that will fulfil me, you just kinda gotta do your best and keep going at it, its a big mountain but climbing is just one hand and foot after the other, ya just gotta keep doing it and eventually youll get to the top
3:50 this hits hard. my father always said 'your arms aint broke' or 'your legs aint broke'. when the fistula in my spine opened up and constricted my spinal cord, i was laying on the sidewalk and into my head popped 'its ok to call 911, my legs are actually broken'.
That took me 40 years to realize. This message will help so many struggling with being resilience. I was strong because I had to be. 💜
Thank you. SO TRUE. It can be lonely being a hyper independent adult.
You described exactly what played out subconsciously when I experienced dating someone I really like for the first time, all of my issues came up, became extremely needy, put all of my needs onto him and expected perfection of him (I had never seen this side of myself as I didn’t start dating until my late twenties, im 29 now) and he left feeling it was unhealthy and overwhelming and I was left devastated and distraught and had a trauma response. It all goes back to my childhood and I feel robbed of life because of it honestly
The part that really messed me up was trying to come to terms with what haplened over the years. Telling them what it does. Than the blantant disregard. 0 accountability and even getting attacked even further. Which just crushes that shred of hope you have to maintain a good connection or fix it or ever get that love and respect. Like they never will care. It's just to late.
Ugh, saaaaame tho.
It becomes about how _I'm_ harboring unforgiveness?? Lady, you _raised_ me!! If _a n y o n e_ has the right to complain about what was done after the fact, about the mistakes that were made?? It's *me!*
And yeah, sure, _"sorry"_ that my recognition of _your_ damage is hindering our relationship for as good as you had it before...? I was suffering. in Silence.
...no contact with my Mom.
@normanclatcher yeah. Don't let it stop you. Go all in on your healing foreal. The only chance I believe is we heal and gain the strength to create peace and solitude. If our family loves us enough, they will make the effort to change. But yeah. It's just wayyyy too much stress to even bother with helping them though that. We gotta help us and save ourselves from their depressing Bubble first. I wish I can meet you, honestly. I have been trapped in that silence for yeeears too. I finally made a few actual friends that I can speak to about my emotions. I really really pray you do the same Norman. I hope you find a new family like I did. That cares to listen to all you have to say. Your feelings. I actually didn't "believe" my friends cared at first. But they showed me they did. Which I feel very lucky. I hope you will remember that there's plenty of people waiting for you to join too. That will actually think your super cool.
@@peanbean1973 ...even if it's mostly words, I hear the heart behind this one.
...truly, _thank you,_ kind stranger.
Oh lordy, this is my life perfectly described in a nutshell. I believe I developed my strong child persona so young and so fully that I just refused to see myself as a 'victim' of trauma. Even though I most certainly was. Great video, thank you!
I realized recently that I am very unwell emotionally and that my number one reason for being unmarried is that I think everyone is good from afar but treacherous from too close; that I thought I was strong but I am actually not; that I quit things and people before they quit me; that I am always on edge; that I'm always thinking negatively about myself; that I need profound protection, one that I didn't get when I was a child; that I feel ashamed to ask for that protection because I am now too old to ask for it.
But you could never tell if you saw me. I'm a huge faker.
The key thing is that you realized. There are some tools to put things right. Letting go of redundant thoughts and energies helps.
The part when you said, now you are too old to ask for protection, got me. Same here. How am I supposed to get protection now? From whom? God slowly took away every beautiful thing that I had. Now I am completely alone.
@@speesy I've heard this from different people and do you think there is any reason why He did this? I'm not a Muslim but there is a nice verse in the Quran which says that what you might think is good is bad and vice-versa. 2:216. Moreover, there is a difference between being alone and lonely. I am also alone but loneliness is a feeling of disconnect. You wrote 'God', which tells me you believe. Re-establish that connection in whichever way works for you. Alone = all one. Reclaim your wholeness.
@@Seanus32 I do believe. And there always is a reason with God. We just don't always understand it. Loneliness is slowly fading away. I'm just alone. And I have to 'fight' this world alone. My past is harsh and I had to grow up quickly. He usually brought people into my life that needed something from me. I know I've done some good things in my life. Some bad too, ofcourse, who hasn't. But. I need help too. Acceptance. Maybe a little sacrifice my way. I've sacrified for other people. I'm old enough to have seen people where God was obviously present and he 'gave' them things. I know suffering builds character and I am not a bad person. Just. A little help. Maybe to show me that he hasn't forgotten about me.
@@speesy What I've come to learn is that if you have peace of mind, you are already ahead. I also went through a dark night of the soul after my divorce but came to see that it was a fantastic decision. Without saying too much about me, what sign could He give you to show you that He hasn't forgotten about you?
I think you've expressed it pretty well.
A child shouldn't feel like they have to deal with the world by themselves. They will cope, and those coping strategies will often still be in place in adulthood. It's hard to undo.
I haven't watched the video yet, so I am just going on the title. I was one of these hyper independent kids because I had to be because of my family life but also because I wanted to be as well. Being out of the house was definitely better than being in the home. As an adult, I'm single, never married, no children and live in the U.S. I do realize in other countries it's different, but in the U.S., there aren't too many people to rely upon unless you have a strong family support system and a few close friends. I honestly tried making new friends last year as an adult...people I could be there for and vice versa. And I found it challenging to actually find people I could rely upon. They are relatively few and far between. (And I hope others have had a different experience.) So I find this "hyper independence" as an adult to be a bit of a gas light. It's just the flat out truth in the U.S. that you need to be independent. I worked in U.S. healthcare for 20 years and there are so many people alone at the end of their lives with no one to care for them. So this is not just my experience that I'm talking about. Making friends and allies is possible but there are also predators that you need to look out for as well. This society is not easy and I find being hyper independent isn't such a bad thing. When I have help and a person truly values and appreciates me, I really treasure that. I'm in the process of increasing the people I know so perhaps I will come in contact with more people I can truly trust and rely upon. But I think you have to go global to do that. Sorry for the long comment and thanks for the video.
I get it. I live it. ✌️
I'm in a similar boat.
For non-Americans tuning in. Here in the US, we have a culture of rugged individualism. Where a government's role is supposed to facilitate one's growth, rather than provide. Meaning, regulated to things like common defense, health, safety, and commerce.
I am 62 yrs old, and can think of perhaps 6 times that anyone showed up for me out of genuine care and love for me. I am a "needless" person.
Yet - you do have needs. And they matter - even if you weren't shown that they do.
Exactly. This is the unfortunate truth for a lot of people.
I remember as a child my mom told me i couldnt have a balloon at walmart and so i started to cry. And my mom told my that crying wont get me the balloon.
It changed me in a way that made me think that if i dont cry ill get what i want. And whats consistent with this line of logic is one of the most infamous christmas songs ever "you better not shout you better not cry you better not pout im telling you why"
I was raised to believe my emotions or rather avoiding them was the answer to getting everything that i wanted.
There are other examples of this idea in culture too.
In avatar the last air bender i saw an episode where ang visited a monster thingy in meditation. The way to get the answers you wanted from it was to avoid all emotional responses especially in the face.
Kids are being raised to shut down all emotions.
Parents even think kids are "fake crying" just to get what they want.
Theyre literally balls of emotion.
Im 29. Ive finally arrived at a point in my life where i value myself and my emotions very highly. Im very lonely still. Ive been single a long time. But i have begun living my life again. I really do feel born again and i have now aquired a particular feeling of protection for the self ive never felt before.
All my life i simply let everyone take everything from me while being raised to bury my emotions from a very young age.
I dont want to let people take my things away anymore.
Ive fought depression and suicide fervently my entire life. I feel lonely right now.
You are brave, you are so smart. You'll make it through❤
@@jemimahkwakuyi7879 thank you jemimah
I hope your channel grows and grows. you have a wonderful, calm and gentle way of presenting information that is unique and very welcome
Appreciate this so much! 💜
I felt like you were explaining to me why I am the way I am. I never realized the real reason I prefer to "do it all myself". Coming from a family where if they "help" you in any way is seen as you owing them made me refuse their "help" and help from others. As the youngest of six with 8 to 15 years between me and my siblings I was always felt like I was in the way of grownups and reminded that child should be seen and not heard and felt like a burden to my mom. Now at 51 I've never been married because I felt that they would end up eventually leaving me and never relied on anyone. I've always told myself that I need to take care of me and no one would care for me. Such a big eye opener. Thank you.🙏🙏🙏✌💜
It is what it is. I am an adult now. I'm not ashamed of my needs. I just learned to be OK with them not being met, but managed. Things get better if you work at them
Thank you. This helped me to understand why im now letting people in to help me but part of me wants to push away and part of me feels insecure relying on others for those needs. Therapy is helping.
Tears were running down my face and I felt a throat-tightness from your well-thought out video that described my childhood so accurately and painfully. Thank you for giving more insight and outlet in my healing journey.
Thank you for these words, it really helps to cope with my deepest insecurities and allow myself to see what needs to be pampered in myself. Really trying to let go of my hyper independence, because cPTSD still affects my relationships choices. But in slow and steady steps, I believe needs can be met at least in my adult life, where I no longer am dependent of insecure attachment, but have the power to create interdependent, loving and caring relationships with people who I can trust and be vulnerable with.
Thank you so much! This video appeared on my recommendation today and the timing couldn't have been more perfect.
You helped me to see something that I could feel intuitively for a long time now.
True. I was the middle child, all girls, in a military fam. Syffered every type of abuse w no one to turn to. No fam around, no support. I had to survive & i did. 60 now & im ok but missed out on so much. Nothing will ever change that & it sucks, truly.
🫂I am sorry.
Wow
What a powerful video.
Stuff hits close to home. (sometimes it's like one doesn't even exists...)
Thank you for this.
life is survival and repruduction. it is out of thougths and feelings. it is misery and beauty. life need to be in balance. hyper independent adults arent even able to be conscious about their feelings anymore and therefore cant see beuty in live. my answer for me is: i think, i make my plan, and then i STOP THINKING !!!!, feel the moments with all emotions within your plan. i learn how to love life and that makes me capable to give love to brake the witches circle. Thank you for your great video.
Yes, If you have emotions you are weak, that's what I've been told too.
But I could never have done anything right. No one wanted me anyway and emotions were a luxury.
I often still can't say what emotions I have, they were never reflected, just talked out of it or denied.
Then I'm ashamed and blamed for not talking anymore. They've talked everything down to me.
Everything was just talked about badly. They're rotting in their fairy tale they created and I'm free from my parents.
This was a real eye-opener for the situation I'm in. Thank you so much for sharing. I don't know how to make the situation any better but hopefully I can find a step in the right direction
Sounds like my sister. Just can't let it go. We had narcissist parents with dad being the worst.
I cried for the whole second half of this.
I’ve had such a struggle with opening up to getting needs met and being shut down it’s so painful.
I hear you. And see you. 💜
@@evitapkcoaching thanks 🥺
Question: this absolutely resonates and I've been struggling to identify 1) what 'needs' even look like (they're largely subconscious to the point that i don't even realize I'm meeting my own needs) and 2) how to express those needs that increases the chances of them being well-received and hopefully met. Do you have any resources that can help me dive into either of these topics? Until you started listing some of the needs I didn't even realize they were important to me. I'm trying to make my needs visible to me and others. Any direction you can point me is appreciated!
Thank you for posting. This was a very clarifying video for me (especially the points about the hidden shame).
I struggled with this too. What helped was I just started writing the list using her suggestions. When I was done even more popped up in my mind and I wrote them all down too. Your mind knows all the answers.
@@capleosag I appreciate that this worked for you and agree that the mind has the answers. Unfortunately, the words aren't coming to me and what I'm looking for are prompts to help get my mind into a frame of reference.
I cried all the way through. Maybe it's time for me to see someone. Im not as strong as it seems.
I want to know how to cope with my needs not being met and people not wanting to meet them. Can you do a video on that please.
We cope by going deep within ourselves. Learn how capable you can become on your own. Have you ever tried weight training?
Agree! Strong by word can be taken as ‘stubborn’? So vulnerable may be taken for being progressive! ✅
Beautifully expressed. Thank you
You have a beautiful speaking voice.
Well each another piece of my soul is mended back on. Every step back i see more and more
I call it pathologically independent. I will do it myself before I ever ask for someone to show up for me 😢 I really need someone to though. I'm trying to pay a mortgage and go to nursing school all alone
yup, and I could write a book on the subject.
Thank you ❤ very helpful info❤
Thanks for making this video, I will definitely come back. 40 and dealing with the consequences of this every day.
Thank you :)
Thank you for this video
The story of my life.
Thank you, very informative video 🙏🏻💜
I will have to come back to this. A little emotional at the moment.
Beautiful content, beautiful woman. Thank you!
Thanks, Sis. 🙏🕊️🪶
No I don’t have it and the hardest part is I’ve been resetting my heart daily to outlast the fear of those I’ve tried to get my needs from and whom I’ve loved and yet I’ve remained neglected. Now I don’t want to do anything. I can’t function. I have no job, no home, no friends, and no hope. It’s amazing I sleep by my gun every night and have yet to kill myself. As a kid, I thought it was just my family but I see it’s everyone. My anxiety has gone to levels I’d be terrified to know I’d develop had you told me as a kid. I so desperately want even an iota of real love that tbh I’m unsure what love even is anymore. I tried turning all of my love inward but gave up on it because being alone isn’t what I want but it’s funny because four years after doing that now I alone want to be left alone. I’m dying inside and I have no idea where to turn. There are days I wish I wasn’t intelligent or emotionally aware so that I could go on blissfully and without such pains. Tbh I’m unsure why I’m even sharing this. Maybe because I’m frustrated that no one ever reaches out to help me when I wear these traumas wide out and openly because I need help. Tbh I’m just droning and it’s scary because I used to live so forwardly, unchained by yesterday but now it’s like cancer. Not a thing otherwise is wrong with me. So healthy on paper but so broken. Which way is up again?
Tbh I’ve never even heard before of the concept of “hyper independent adult”. I’m struggling to understand the difference between that and being a single adult. Or at least a mature single adult. Not being facetious. I’d say it’s the position of most divorced/widowed men and the large majority of single women.
You're right.
Spot on. I dealt with this from the age of 8 moving forward. Fucking 8!!!
That’s way too early for childhood to end 💔
You list a lot of needs, amd the same needs i need.
But that's a lot think it would be to overwhelming for anyone to handle.
And i don't see why i would risk that? Besides opening myself up
Will just lead me to get hurt again.
I survived a lot, violence, abuse, Narcissism and betrayal.
I survived the project and living on the streets.
And all without anyone to help me
I can survive anything.
And Don't need anyone they will just disappoint me anyway.
Some people are to broken for someone to love.
Besides would someone really put up with my nightmares? My panick attacks, my flash backs, and so many more.
I help people people don't help me.
It's safer that way. For me and maybe for them to. So i don't drive them crazy with my mental health issues.
If anything i get suspicious.
If someone does something nice for me. Because they want something and they'll leave once they got it.
Being strong or resilient, or whatever word you would like to use, is not a destination, it's a journey. A strong 5 year old is not the same as a strong 13 year old. In my opinion, building a strong child means giving them the tools to deal with the many challenges they will face over the years. My 9 year old son showed strength when he was bullied and he merely stared at the bully until the bully became uncomfortable and walked away. He showed strength in many different ways over the years. I raised him to be an Independent, Confident, Good Decision Maker. That was the foundation of his strength. He was a strong child, he's an even stronger young man in all the ways that matter. th-cam.com/video/Rglj7XO9_-M/w-d-xo.html
👌👌
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Some of us had no choice...but you got a new sub...for now.
Yes we survive hardship and we grow simple. Comfort makes soy boys, hardship makes men!
6:34 You DO blame them. You do. You say "not willing" instead of "can't". Your words are harmful to people.
But... they can tho? Saying they "can't do it" sounds far worse, it would be like saying there's no hope and they cannot take that risk at all, that they can't be healed. Like, what? Of course they can, there is a risk, a big risk, that's why most don't do it, but they could.
🥲 at this point, Evie is reading my life like an open book 😔
Me too
Same
I’ve been through a lot worse, madam. You don’t need to tell me I’m vulnerable - I’m a lot worse that.
I’m defeated.