Toxic Positivity: The Reality of Suppressing Emotions
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 20 ส.ค. 2024
- What is toxic positivity? It's the idea that you have to always be happy, no matter what. If you're not, then something must be wrong with you. This video dives into how this mindset actually causes more harm than good and why it's important to know when suppressing your feelings might do more damage than good!
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Toxic positivity: when a church leader I respected walked up to me and said “No one is sad today! This is a celebration!” at MY BEST FRIENDS FUNERAL. She died at the age of 29. Still boils my blood. This video is so validating because I’ve always felt a little nagging feeling that my attitude about this moment is wrong: Nope.
I’m so sorry for your loss
he was wrong for that! Sorry for your loss. 29.. that’s a tragedy.
So being sad is ok or what? Or do you mean that people were sad and he’s just depressing their feelings
As a Christian, I agree that was dumb as hell of him to say.
@Lil' Ari I think you’re overreacting.
Telling yourself "things could be worse" is pretty dangerous. I know from personal experience. This was my mantra for years and I didn't appreciate how badly things around me were deteriorating because I didn't want to complain or feel ungrateful for my relative good fortune compared to someone worse off than me. You can always find someone who has it worse than you; that doesn't invalidate how bad you have it.
Put another way, if you broke your leg and the patient in the hospital bed next to you broke both their legs that doesn't make your single broken leg any less painful or serious. you can be grateful you didn't break both and still expect treatment for your injury.
Yeah, it undermines ur experience. Pain is pain. There's no degree to it
Saying that also kinda reminds me of some friends i used to have that always would say "It be like that sometimes," or "It is what it is," or shit even "oof," I just felt super aggravated when people said shit like that whether it was me venting or not, that shit just sounds cold and dismissive, people think that mindset gets them by.
Mmmm, that’s a good way to break it down. I have always thought this way about my own situations, mostly because I don’t have a strong emotional support system so I use this to soothe myself and focus on what I do have to dismiss the absence of something else. Man! I its work maintaining your emotional health😩❤️🙏🏾🤗✌🏾
@@heyalexiajanee nah acknowledge those feelings however u can man, dismissing or bottling your emotions never really has good results in the long run, talk to someone if you gotta, do something that can help when or however u can, there's always better ways to handle things other than just telling yourself to "thug it out" 😂😂
My response to anyone that says "there are people worse off" is always along the lines of "me feeling better about my situation has no affect on theirs. Why does that mean I should ignore my problems?"
Thank you for posting this. The “good vibes only” phenomena is just such a condescending and unrealistic approach to the world, it diminishes people and their struggles instead of just saying “feel whatever it is you need to feel right now”. You just can’t fake your feelings.
Totally agree. Feel what you feel! I’m with the “real vibes only” crowd.
💯
Omg I wanna hug u real hard ,u are so right.ugh ...Be happy tees, Smile tees ,choose happy tees , I wanna punch those who wear those tees, good vibes only ugh so sickening, I like THE WHATEVER YOUR VIBE IS ,FINE- That u suggest, YESSS
oof the "good vibes only" stuff is so cringy. I get it, but like you said it can appear as very forced and condescending.
I can't stand people who say "good vibes only"
I absolutely cannot STAND toxic positive individuals. I have had to cut off people with this mentality. I felt like I was literally NEVER allowed to express any negative emotion, as if I'm not a human being.
Right it's a matter of not being to negative are positive you don't want to be so positive your delusional.
Me neither! I posted on the destiny's child video...survivor...about what I've been through in my life and some of the negative comments I got were unbelievable!
I know right. This is my Dam boyfriend. He gets on my nerves.
They're just like those kids at the Christmas party no one else even wanted to attend who are all huddled under a duvet next to the fireplace, resorting to practising shooting webs at the sunshine thanks to those snowflakes they usually seek out in the first place who either slowed down or stopped when they've had enough or slumped under a table puking after trying to compete with them in a drinking game or chocolate cake eating contest. Yet even they usually work out that relying on painkillers for something as tangible as appendicitis doesn't work. Any luck getting shot of them?
I totally relate. I'm going through this now. People act horrified if anyone is anything but 100% positive at all times rather than feeling the full range of their emotions.
Saw a quote about toxic positivity and part of it said the essence of it was, "my comfort is more important than your reality" --- meaning I don't want to hear what's really going on with you, I'm too concerned about trying to feel good and not comfortable talking about or hearing anything painful.
Wow. 😲 That's a creepy quote.
Yes, it's an interesting way to cut people off.
This 👏👏👏 Spot on
It’s sadly very true.
Sums up the way we're heading as a society.
“When you can’t stop thinking that way, you feel worse about yourself” THAT hit hard. I FELT that 😭💀
Yep!
I've been on the receiving end of this far too much and it has ended relationships.
Being reduced to a "negative Nelly" when attempting to share a truly negative experience with someone who who claims to care and asked is unacceptable
I would rather have a ''negative Nelly'' in my life who is honest rather than someone who lies to my face with a smile. Turn the table, see the equation from the other side, which one would you prefer?
wow, the way i wouldn't share again either.
I was with a person like this. I don’t feel bad that things didn’t work out with them now.
@@johnmcpudding857 there is a saying "better the bitter truth than a sweet lie"
I got called that cos I wanted a dumb teamwork play in an online game that was meant to work together in. Literally a game and people talk to you there as if you are ONLY there to smile and enjoy every loss, every time a person attacks me and targets me and they say: stop complaining. You are just too slow, go complain elsewhere. While all I did was say: hey, can we please stick together?
Who all gained a new perspective on mental health and behavioural illnesses after watching Traceys videos🙂.Congratulation on hitting 1 million subs tons of love and hugs.
She's wonderful to hear for me.
I love to listen to her. Calming
Hopefully everyone who payed attention…lol
Yes!!!
@@KoolT p
This is spot on. We don’t allow full range of emotion anymore.
Exactly
Yep.
It's seen as being weak or what they call a snowflake
Man I grew up with this… my mom always wanted positive talk and things. I never got to express myself fully because she would say I was complaining- now I’m angry because I grew up thinking I must always be positive and nice…thank goodness I’ve become more mindful of myself and how I relate to people.
My dad is always scolding me for expressing any negative talk and yet he goes and does the very thing that he was scolding me about!
I'm sorry that was forced on you. I truly believe that is part of why do many young kids are on psych drugs and suiciding like never before.
I recently saw an IG video of a young child, barely old enough to speak, saying "shhhh.... positive vibes only". It went viral and a few people saw the sickness and danger in it, but most thought it was cute. I asked people what will happen when she encounters distressing problems. Will she feel ok to talk to her parents who scripted the video and imbedded the thought? I think not. Then, if she attempts suicide, the parents will wonder why she didn't talk to them after THEY taught her "positive vibes only". Very sad.
You seem like a quality person. I sincerely wish you well. Keep sharing your message. ❤️
Same
Yes! All my 'law of attraction' friends give me the stink eye when I they hear me say that it's okay to wallow in it for a little while. We need to accept and acknowledge even our negative thoughts and emotions. Once we do that, we can understand them and figure out how to move on. No sweeping things under the rug and pretending they didn't happen.
Find new friends
@@LDuke-pc7kq How about if I just demonstrate a better way and not dump good friends who aren't 100% perfect?
@@crisfield4364 you dont have to give up on them but find friends that are more accepting aswell
The thing about law of attraction is that to get to a place of balance, peace, and prosperity you delve deep into some dark places to figure out your traumas and why you are repeating patterns. You don't just get up think a happy thought and viola amazing!!
Isn’t what you’re saying what the LOA people are saying. If they’re telling you to force yourself to feel better that’s not really loa loa is all about acceptance
I love this.
It's sad that I have to constantly tell people, "My feelings are valid and I deserve to feel the way I feel right now and that's fine."
Your feelings ARE valid. No matter what feeling that is because whatever it is made you FEEL that way. I always knew something was wrong when people always FORCED positivity upon others without allowing them to express other emotions.
Toxic positivity. Another mechanism of manipulation and gaslighting.
This one hits hard. My long term therapy (with a professional) ended months ago. She did everything that is called out as dimissive and not helpful in this video. I felt terrible and angry all the time, but then "this was only cause I wasn't looking at the bright side enough or didn't show enough empathy with people who hurt me". At first I felt great after the therapy, finally free again. Now I suffer from severe depression, worse than ever, for over 6 months by now. Which makes more sense now. Thank you very much this is gold for me, I feel less guilty.
Sounds like she didn't know what she was doing.
To hell with the people who hurt you. Feel towards them however you feel, OR, feel the way that will most enhance YOUR life, if you can choose.
Just don't do anything illegal to them, ok?
You can feel empathy, but you don't owe them empathy. Or anything. They done messed up. You get to decide how you feel.
Feelings come and go, like waves. Just breathe, and observe them. They pass.
Exercise, eating healthy, maybe yoga, are almost certainly not going to hurt, and are likely to help a bit, if you keep with them.
Just ended my long term therapy 2 days ago for this very same reason.
@EffieBriest - I’m sorry that you had to go through that. I had went through a similar situation with a therapist before, and after dealing with sessions with her, she made me feel worse off than I was better until I found another one. I hope that you continue to give yourself compassion and grace into learning what you’ve experienced to being able to open yourself up into having another therapist that genuinely cares about your well-being. Also I hope you have a good day today.✨💗💜
Wow she should not be working in healthcare at all. I hope you filed a complaint against her.
This missed the most important thing about negative emotions--they're there to stop or prevent bad things from happening. For instance, suppressing your fear, anger and unhappiness about your relationship with an abusive lover keeps you in a dangerous relationship. Pretending things are just fine when you're facing injustice not only doesn't correct the injustice against you, it also strengthens the unjust person in giving someone else a hard time as well.
Exactly, my mom practices positivity like her life depends on it, she has perfection it to the point she really had suppressed her feelings of anger and sadness, now she just accepts the fact my dad is abusive towards her because he's always been like that and has learnt he will never change so she's okay with it, she doesn't feel anger or sadness anymore, just purely acceptance, I've told her it's dangerous to be like that but she's not seeing the danger of her situation, it's scary, good thing my dad doesn't physically abuse her anymore... sigh
Precisely! It’s the spirit’s equivalent of pain- letting you know that something isn’t right and needs to change
@@manganime1893 I’d suggest your mother isn’t practicing ‘toxic positivity’, but is scared as all hell. She knows the danger of her situation very well, especially as she’s been physically abused in the past... Please reach out to her, don’t heckle or judge, but tell her you’re there if she needs you and be there when she does.
@@clogs4956 I've reach onto her, my aunt has, my brother has, the physical abuse happened 20 years ago, he physically abused me and my brother too at that time, but now he's an old man, the verbal abuse had gone down by a lot these few years but it's still verbal abuse, my mon does practice toxic positivity in EVERY aspect of her life, she doesn't allow herself to feel anything negative as she believes "negative" emotions can cause her some kind of illness, I'm not saying it's awful of her to choose to do it, but it's the only thing that worked for her so she latches onto it, now is more pity what she feels for my dad than fear, she's always had much more money than my dad, even the house is hers so divorcing or leaving would cause too much of a hassle to even think of dealing with considering my dad would have nowhere to go, I've talk to her and she tells me she used to be very affected by every mean comment people made of her but she realized she didn't need to be, as long as she's fine with her own actions it doesn't matter what other people say or do, she doesn't need to feel bad or sad or angry anymore, especially with my father, she's accepted him for who he is, and doesn't care about him shouting or seaying mean things anymore, same with other people, it just is what it. I see how she has suppressed her emotions in order to survive her enviroment, she even has trouble admitting she likes o love a type of food, I will always be there for her, but she has accepted already the situation with my father.
@@manganime1893 I really feel bad for you watching your mom go through this and I feel bad for her also. I do believe that she is in survival mode and the way she is handling it - is her way of coping.
Sometimes, standing up for yourself and changing the situation is just too overwhelming, exhausting. It’s just easier to accept the status quo as she has.
“Easier“ is not even the right word; sometimes it is the only possible means of survival depending on many things such as the mental/emotional/spiritual strength of the victim. But it is at the risk of losing much of your individuality, and that is a heavy price to pay.
This is what I was struggling with in my relationship with my former boyfriend. I couldn't open up to him about my past pains without him telling me not to, and he made me feel guilty for even having a bad day filled with negative thoughts. It's like I wasn't allowed to be sad whenever we were together, so I had to suffer in silence rather than receive comfort from him when I needed it. He even denied himself that with me.
He sounds stinky like a fart
This is so true. I’ve been saying this forever. The movie “Inside Out” shows this
If emotions will rear their head one way or another that is fine, but if the people who need to understand your emotions constantly dismiss or ignore your negative emotions even when you try communicating them, that causes the suppression in the first place. Being stuck in that kind of unhealthy relationship where you're not getting any validation or emotional support is the real danger. I've been against traditional family structures for this reason for forever.
🥺such a good example
@@Tubeytime in my experience, the family unit is the place to vent and rely on others. I’ve lost all my friendships due to toxic positivity, because others outside the family unit aren’t willing to be with the real you as much as your family does.
I watched that movie a few months back for literally the first time ever... and I really like how it showed that sadness is a part of life and can't simply be swept under the rug. Like yeah it sucks and you don't want to feel it but shit's eventually gonna happen that'll make you feel sad and you gotta feel that sadness and ride it out instead of burying it
@@Tubeytime amen to this! I have suffered this with the people in my life and I agree with you.
I worked with a girl who was aggressively positive. It felt like she forced herself to be super bubbly and then when you didn’t reflect this back to her she got “happier” like smiled bigger, tone higher, more bubbly. “Cheer up, friend, it can’t be all that bad.” Coworkers are not friends automatically …friendship is earned. It was exhausting to be around her and it took a while to realize why. She did mellow some as she grew up (I think she was 18 or 19 when she left? Hard to tell because she acted really young). I figured it must have been a defense mechanism.
We all have defense mechanisms, traumas, and different ways to cope. I think we need to have compassion on people who are just like us but different too
🥺this hit home. My life was already full of shit and when i broke up with my ex i really felt insanity!! Then, i discovered feminine energy shit and try to lean back, let go. I turned bubbly and try very hard to always look at the bright side. I just realised that's my way of coping. Not sure it's healthy or not.
That person sounds like me now. Lol. I was miserable when I was @early 20s. Was constantly told in church, job, university… to see the positive, eliminate the negative. After years of no outlet to be genuine, I found a way to be cheerful in any situation. Now that I usually show up friendly and cheerful, all the people who demanded it of me are mad. Whaaaa? They weren’t actually happy their selves? Lol. I have no time to pity them, just like they had no time for me before.
I get she's annoying but the thing is this... It's not easy to be human. Both on your end and on hers. Does sounds like she either suppress her sadness or her anger or her frustrations to everyone.
I remember a chick like that. My theory was she had to be the positive one trying to keep family from falling apart due to divorce. So weird, can't tell how they really feel or their intentions
This reminds me of Inside Out, (and a part of myself as well). Joy's well-meaning is genuine but indeed, toxic. I can relate to that, honestly, as much as it hurts a bit to admit it, but not as much as invalidating my sister's sad feels. Thank you doctor, for this very important reminder and for the advices too
at least joy changes at the end
"Everything happens for a reason" is one of the most annoying and untrue sentences people throw around. Not that there isn't a cause for everything, but the implication isn't that the reason is a cause, but that the reason is a purpose. And "good vibes only" is a red flag because it tells me people saying it lack emotional intelligence and/or maturity.
Everything does happen for a reason, if your willing to take the lesson from whatever happens it shouldnt annoy you imo
@@bmillersince92 imagine if your mother died and someone had the audacity to say ‘everything happen for a reason’. Regardless of what could be taken away from that experience or not, it’s such an invalidating response and isn’t needed during a time of grieving.
@Snowchild Sure, but like I said, reason as a cause is one thing, reason as a purpose or a lesson is another thing entirely, and the expression is never used as the former but the latter. It depends on what is meant by that "reason", and the implication is generally that whatever bad thing happens can be a step towards something better, and that's just an awful way of looking at things. Like Dia B said, imagine someone close to you dies or is suffering with a terrible disease like cancer and someone tells you that what happened to that person was for a reason, like it's supposed to make you feel better... but that person who died or is suffering didn't or doesn't exist just so that their death or suffering could teach you something or be a step in your own path! People's suffering and trauma should not be instrumentalized.
Damn, "Everything happens for a reason" and "good vibes gooddd vibeess, it's all fineee I'm good" is what i always say to myself. I just dont want to express my emotions because it makes me feel guilty for being sad or smthn. I just feel like i should stay strong and try not to cry in public. I remember a friend asked me why im so positive and i remember answering "I have to, to avoid me focusing on my bad situations" I just dont want anyone to worry too much about me i guess??
I dont say it to others tho, i love listening to people who complain about their bad days and just express their feelings. I do try to cheer them up after by telling them I'm always there when they need help, and then i make them laugh by being goofy around lmao.
I guess i just need someone to do something like that for me. These negative emotions im bottling will eventually explode later on and it's something im scared of happening. Fuckin crazy im telling these to strangers instead lol. Hahaha thanks for listening to my tedtalk lol.
This is one of the worst things you can say to anyone who's just suffered a setback or tragedy. The next person who says that to me is going to get clocked.
Damn this hit hard Girl! *adjusts wig*
I came to this realization that I was a "Toxic Positive" person after a series of devastating events, one being the loss of my Father. I didn't realize that I could not process negative emotions. It felt like I was letting the world down because I was sad and upset. Since I couldn't process those emotions, I lacked the empathy to really understand what my friends were going through when they were angry. To be told you've made a friend feel invalid, is one of the worst feelings to have. Now I'm able to process negative emotions in real time, well close to it😅. I actually feel better. I can relate to people, and I don't feel compelled to make them feel better about their situation, I just listen and give hugs. Thank you for this video!
You're welcome. Thanks for sharing your experience. Keep that wig on straight. 😃
If you don't feel compelled to help your friend feel better then you are not a good friend. Don't be so negative, try to put some positivity in someones sad day and get a smile.
Big hugs and thanks for sharing your story for all to learn from [and that is where the self-compassion is important!].
Agreed, this is a great video. I am just concerned that the people who need to take it in the most won't hear it. At least, it puts in words what I have intuitively [even angrily] felt for a long time!
@@sharonaumani8827 I compare my toxic positivity to living in a rose colored dome, that shielded me from harsh a reality. There were several issues that cracked the dome, but after my Father passed away, it was completely shattered. His death was direct pain to my heart and soul. I greatly underestimated the transformation you go through while grieving. I learned that if I wanted to live in this Life Ocean, and I needed to learn how to ride all the emotional waves, negative and positive.
@@Gored1 I understand why you would say that, but it gets in the way of genuinely being there for the person... I used to feel compelled to "try to help" by frantically saying positive things. I've learnt that there is a better way to help: relate to my own feeling of the ordeal they ate going through and arrange for their favourite comfort food.. and just listening patiently
Basically if I feel like rescuing them, I have to step back and evaluate my own unresolved emotions that come up
Sent this to my friend who always trying to tell me things will get better when I'm literally having a mental breakdown. It makes me feel like no one cares about my feeling or what I'm going through.
I used to be always negative and miserable and whining all the time, I became so toxic and angry at the world that I lost my friends and got an alcohol addiction. I grew up in a manipulative, abusive and toxic family, they're very negative about everything too. Then I got tired of that, I was just fed up. I saw this girl on TH-cam that was very happy and always smiling and she had a partner and friends and I decided I wanted to be like her. And I put the effort in, I got off social media and started controlling my thoughts and I started to change. I got healthier, I felt better and I got dreams and goals, I even started enjoying exercise. I didn't get any new friends though, but I didn't need to drink anymore to be with myself. And then today, 2 years later, I suddenly realised that I'd suppressed negativity so much I've become scared of it and I avoid not only toxic content but sad too, and I feel guilty every time I get mad and when I do get mad I don't know how to control it. And my relative got cancer and I don't even know how to communicate with them. Then I saw this video in my recommendations and I knew what the hell was happening. I jump from one extreme to another my whole life and I just can't catch a fucking break, can I? What the hell am I and how can I just BE?
This is so true. When I kept a gratitude journal, I also kept an ingratitude journal. They were equally therapeutic. 💝
Interesting, I may have to try this
how does that work? i think thats a good idea but i dont want to do it in a way that causes me to focus on the negative parts of my day
Interesting suggestion. I always like to observe both the good and bad sides of my day. Purely focusing on positivity can be damaging, since if I am dealing with problems everyday I might need to ADDRESS and CONFRONT them directly, and do what I can to solve them instead of avoiding, running away, and dismissing them by purely being positive.
Thank you.
sounds good
Hahahah love it
I feel this occurs a lot in the Christian community, in which I'm apart of. It's like feeling a little sad or frustrated equates to be un-Godlike and they we need to "stay positive." It's dismissive as hell. Expressing negative emotions in a healthy way shouldn't be demonized. I'm sure not all Christians doesn't mean to be this dismissive but it's an issue that needs to be addressed.
"Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." Jesus Himself spent a lot of time being troubled and grieving, for others and for Himself. The only thing we can hope for with certainty is eternity with Him! Let's be the change we want to see in our communities.
I go to a Christian university and absolutely agree 100% with this. The friends that I have that are Christian discourage me from speaking up to professors about the things that make my classmates upset that they express to me. They'll tell me if something sucks and then instantly invalidate their own feelings by saying they don't want to be a whiner, but I can see the relief they get when I do actually make a move to change the way students are treated by the professors. In my opinion, the professors can't change if they never know there's a problem. My Christian friends don't want to admit there is a problem because that's seen as negative in the community. It's not right
@@EllieofAzeroth KUDOS for speaking out. I feel like this Toxic Positivity among Christians is responsible for the very high rate of suicide among pastors and the people.
@@EllieofAzeroth sound like cowards.
My "Christian" family was destroyed because no one wanted to acknowledge how abusive my grandmother was. They'd complain when she wasn't around, they'd joke about it, but no one ever wanted sit down, address how bad the situation was and, more importantly, do something about it. My partner's "Christian" family is also in shambles for very similar reasons. Naturally, this made him toxically positive, too. All of them are suffering mentally and emotionally do to all the toxic behavior, yet they act like something is wrong with me because I refuse to say everything's okay when it's not.
I refuse to go to church anymore since I'm sick of everyone treating it like the Good Vibes Only Club.
This just made me realize that my mom has made me a toxic positive person. With her I can't have a bad day because she relies on me for emotional support. And to her my bad days are not bad, just inconveniences that I'm making a big deal out of. And because I can't communicate my true thoughts I've had to bottle it all up. In doing so, the pressure just builds until I have an emotional breakdown.
I have a similar situation with my mom as well, everytime something bad happens, she tells me I should just move on and smile, then I forcefully do so and then she's angry because it's not real
Like... How do you expect me to change from angry/sad to joyful in just a second?
I completely agree, this video really helped
Great video.
The recent influx of "positive vibes only" and "being negative is ugly" online lately has been really disheartening. It ends up just feeling like I'm a kid again and I'm being told to just tough through it or shut up. To just put up with it and stop thinking so negatively. This idea that expressing anything negative is "ugly" and "unsightly" was making getting through a tough mental health crisis even more stressful. I ended up removing myself from those spaces and people and it has been much better. :)
This is possibly the worst type of toxicity. I have never witnessed this much of that bs until social media became a thing. Now even if you take a break from it you STILL see it
This is why I'm usually neutral when anyone starts telling me their personal struggles and circumstances because I've been through it myself.
Pollyanna positivity is also a main feature of the law of attraction, to be overly focused on the positive when you are in fact in a swirl of negativity based on your current experience is extremely dangerous. It's like standing on a train track with a blindfold on telling yourself the sound of the oncoming train is coming from somewhere else. Great video thank you so much for this!
That's a good analogy.
@@santeeblakey3114 thank you so much for noticing lol
Every now and then I surprise myself and come up with a good one
Then again, Pollyanna positivity during a swirl of negativity can give you the grace to come through it way less burned or bitter. I’m all for keeping the eyes on the prize at the darkest hours, myself. Eyes locked on the prize. Locked. Not moving.
@@HabitualLover that is a very good point because there are certainly times that is the smart choice and completely appropriate... But sometimes you just got to see there's danger ahead....and get your ass out of there lol
This is a really useful video -- I think the core of toxic positivity is some weird combination of denial and blackmail. There's a cast of "Stay positive OR ELSE" behind it.
I got fired from my job a few days ago. I was exhausted from all of the months of physical labor and i didn’t smile much because of it.
My “boss” said if i can’t be happy then i can quit. When i acknowledged this as emotional abuse or gaslighting he told me I’m fired. 🤦🏽♂️
Wish me luck!
I have a family member who is very negative and it tends to bring out this toxic positivity in me. I will use the techniques you provided and see if it helps.
just burn ‘em.
@@HealingandProtection Maybe One Day Fr
U don't have to do anything at all n Pepole will still keep testin u It'll happen one day now ur the bad guy right?
Only south Park keeps my stability
Omg, THANK YOU!!! I've said for YEARS to overly positive people that being realistic doesn't mean being negative. Ugh.
Idk which grinds my gears more when I express disappointment, frustration, fear or anger: the feeling itself, or when someone says, "Don't think like that" when I express it. 😡 I stop talking to them after that. 😩
Ditto
They say it because it makes sense. Sounds like you want negativity in your life if you push away anyone that tries to steer you away from it.
Idunno, I'd much rather be around positive people than cry babies pouting about life all the time as if everyone elses lives are so great.
Also most peoples anger and frustration are over things that are petty.
@@Gored1 The point is people are going to express anger or sadness whether you like it or not. No body has to mask or fake how they feel just because you don’t like it. Also it doesn’t sound like this person wants negativity in their live. They just hate how unrealistic people are when comes expressing feeling like anger or sadness. Nobody going to feel happy all the time. No human feels happy all the time. Now a person can control how they express those feelings.
Lol 😂 right ! Those are worst people too.
"Everyone is going through something". I hate when people say that when I'm expressing my thoughts and feelings.
I've been told I'm a glass half full type. I think that's because back then, I didn't often let people see how deeply affected I was by some things, and it was partially in response to feeling that I shouldn't let it be known. I'd prefer to be called a "pragmatic optimist." Sure I can see the good side, but it doesn't change the fact that bad things happen, that evil people exist, and that tears and grief are as much a part of life as smiles and laughter. "Good vibes only" is not an approach I endorse.
I sure can relate.
Beautifully put
"Adapting to your circumstance in the face of adversity" what a great quote. Really encapsulates what we as a society will have to do moving forward.
Thank you so much! This validated my feelings that a “friend” that I admired, told me that my pain and sadness seeing my mom suffer with her stage 4 cancer ( which we very recently found out), was me choosing to be the victim and her healing will happen in heaven and it’s an opportunity for me to open the door to heaven 24/7 and be an open channel. Also, That I’m not “seeing” and “hearing” my spirit guides because I’m choosing fear. SMH. I was even more upset after this conversation. Needless to say, I think our friendship isn’t conducive to me being healthy mentally. ❤
I am so sick of this positivity bullcrap and people not validating my feelings... I rarely have the feeling that I am valid with my emotions and expressions and it's exhousting, cruel and so damaging to relationships...
Don't just go with it. Find better people. If you take a good hard look at the lives of these toxic positive types you will see some very negative things about them.
Needed to see this ❤️ Growing up we were subconsciously taught to suppress our feelings and be positive. Not really taught how to face the negative and understanding as humans we will not always be positive. And that’s ok. Understanding where it comes from, being vocal about it and learning how to grow through it without being perceived as weak 🙏🏾
For me, my positivity has always been an effective way for me to deal with the difficulties of life. This video was extremely helpful to me because I need to realize that not everyone has the same outlook on life’s circumstances. She did a great job teaching us how to meet people halfway. I think toxic positive people feel like they are bringing joy and encouragement to others. Yet sometimes, it makes people feel worse or inadequate.
From what I remember, toxic positivity as a mantra was ushered in by the book and associated movie “The Secret” which was a huge favorite of Oprah. It gave the impression that if you wanted to succeed, all you had to do was think positively and visualize the best case scenario at all times.
That’s one way it became popular, but it was popular in. Certain religious circles for a hundred years before that.
@@M_SC Very true. What I should have said was, “late stage” Toxic positivity
Yes! My mom went googly eyed over that book. She had it on audio book, and had the documentary similar to it called "What the bleep do we know?". To this day I can't talk to her about anything because she just immediately invalidates it with something from that book.
Toxic Positivity from others is particularly terrible when you have clinical depression. It is terrifying how completely devastated you become when someone dismiss the fact you are painfully empty as a simple "be happy" analogue. It is cruel to someone to tell you to something should be trivial, but you simply are incapable achieve. You feel far more miserable when you face the strangeness of your broken sepia view of the world.
Thank you for this. Social media is filled with toxic positivity and I always knew it felt wrong seeing it all the time but I couldn't figure out how or why it felt wrong when it's supposed to be positive. This video explains everything perfectly
removing the Dislike button from youtube is a great example of toxic positivity.
@@chilanya woke culture strikes again
Thank you. As a survivor of SA this also plays along with people constantly dismissing the very real lasting effects of trauma but regardless of the cause telling anyone to just see the bright side or get over it is so dismissive and harmful.
Toxic positivity happens all the time when I vent to people. I'm either being told that it's not too bad, or people are trying to look for a solution for me, and then get mad at me when I dismiss it.
I don't want you to fix my life or tell me how to better the situation, I'll be able to do it myself once I've been able to express my emotions, vent, then move on to the next step by myself.
People tend to underestimate how important it is to actually experience emotions first to process them and then be able to see things in a clearer and more objective manner.
So many people are overly focused on being positive all the time and absolutely not allowing any negativity in their life. That is toxic positivity.
This is valid and I appreciate your analysis. After many years in therapy, I feel like I've been stuck in _toxic negativity_ and am trying to allow myself to feel positivity. Leaning too hard into either side isn't healthy. It's kind of exhausting that existential crisis and negativity is kind of turning into a personality and meme-ified. I get it and I've engaged in that. But now I'm seeing how that harms me and blocks me from practicing patience, gratitude, and self-compassion. I'm deeply grateful to my therapist and for the work we did to get me so far.
So true!
I always tell my child “you are human so you will have emotions, but what you DO with those emotions is what matters.”
Yea I'm like this. I've always called myself "desperately optimistic" but I never really knew just how bad and damaging that truly can be.
I've gotten better and I'm trying to realize that I'm not responsible for people's feelings nor am I obligated to solve their problems.
It makes me feel bad though, man.
Thank you for this discussion. I have always had the conversation on how unrealistic it is for everyone to claim they never feel jealous. That jealousy is a far-fetched emotion only experienced by bitter and damaged people . I have always said that denying jealousy stops one from learning how to contain it.
thank you for sharing this video. i feel like my entire life i've been beaten around with a form of toxic positivity and been made to suppress any and all "negative" emotions rather than finding healthy ways to address them, express them and regulate them. most of it comes from family demanding a certain level of social etiquette that my autistic self just couldn't live up to, but i notice a lot of the forced toxic positivity comes from a lot of my exes that i'm suspecting may have been narcissists?
i say this only because my feelings and general happiness or unhappiness only seemed to matter if they could be the one to "fix" it with minimal effort, or in a way that forced me to depend entirely on them for support. the moment i just wanted to vent or be frustrated without needing advice or input, they insisted on shifting the focus to themselves, or popping in lines about "look on the bright side of life" or "things will get better i'm sure of it!" or "let's try to think positive!" about topics like my generational or past abuses. when i would put my foot down and ask to just be allowed to be upset about what was happening, usually about something i couldn't immediately change, i was always met with hostility or needing to shift the focus onto them because they needed "comforting."
at 30, finally allowing myself to address those "negative" emotions has been very helpful for me to work through what i need to from ages ago, but i've now switched to keeping things to myself, writing them down, or talking with my partners, because i don't have the energy to be shut down by people that don't want to process emotions that aren't purely positive or Good Vibes Only, or by people that seem to like weaponizing that sentiment against others.
Sounds very common. It's tiring too putting on a happy face all day but seems like lots of people are forced to do it at work. Then also many people just don't like to talk about anything that really bothers them, or don't like to hear any of that from others. Some of us have a lot of trauma too, and we really don't like to "go there" and open up those wounds. Too painful.
I have a friend who is a toxic positive. They always invalidate my emotions and only show the good sides of things. Making me feel lower than I already am. I just want someone to sympathize with me.
This is incredible! I’ve never heard these words put together like this. “Toxic positivity”. Wow, my church should absolutely take note of this. I always say it’s so positive, it’s fake. This is very eye opening for me, and I’m gonna use this. Thank you!
Yup. Now you can't even be positive without being toxic. I knew this b.s would come to this
I think there was some good in the video but the use of toxic really lost me. The word toxic is thrown on everything that a segment of people don't like. It's the current buzz word for real.
Missing the point entirely
Thank you Dr. Tracey!!!! I loved every bit of this. I think Pixar tried to get this message across with "Inside Out" but I don't think a lot of adults got the point.
Step 1: Don't say anything at all, Step 2: Listen, Step 3: Ask questions about the other person's feelings or problems, Step 4: Remind yourself to never talk about your own problems with anyone.
Toxic and fake positivity is a part of North American culture. Americans think that other nations, like Eastern Europeans are depressed and unfriendly, but in reality they just don't bother to fake a smile when they don't feel like smiling (for example in all kinds of customer service positions). Complaining is also seen as a way to relate and show your humanity and vulnerability, while in America everyone is pressured to project an image of joy and success no matter the reality. The result is that most people feel alone in their experience when they go through hard time or are simply tired, because everyone else is faking joy and happiness.
Omg the world needs this🤦🏾♀️ Please allow people to feel without pushing your fake positivity on them. Face reality please people!!!
DR. TRACEY and coffee it the perfect way to start the day. "I'm fine" I have said that my whole life even though I wasn't. I hate being sad and I fight it all the time...I didn't realize how much relief you get in a good cry instead of suppressing it.
💯
Sometimes it's hard to cry, but as of lately, I've been owning my feelings and letting go. Crying makes me feel better actually. Releasing my inner pain.
Crying doesn't mean you can't be positive all the time. It's a natural reaction, and afterwards you can go back to being happy again. I don't understand how anyone can suppress feelings of sadness when it comes.
I feel like this seems to happen in abusive relationships toxic positivity can allow abusers to come into your life!!!!!
I have depression, my bestfriend try to do everything she can to take away my depression: Be grateful you are alive, it could be worse, it sounds bad, but please be happy, everyone loves you, you dont have do be depressed then.
I think she is afraid of negative feelings.
She hates negative feelings
Society nowadays is generally toxically positive. It is exactly the most important thing that needs to be changed.
Wow what a great video! I grew up in this environment as a child where everything was okay. It really crippled me emotionally and reinforced a lot of terrible habits that made me more of an insecure person.
I’ve realized, in the past few years, that I have the tendency to be positive about situations that my friends may be really upset about. I’m not sure where it comes from, most likely my positivity has been a life raft for dealing with depression my whole life.. My positivity has helped me through brutal times, and I know it rubs off in a good way on people. Still, this question is a good one, and one I wish I had thought about years ago. Over the past few years I’ve been stopping myself, and then making sure I’m validating feelings instead of looking on the bright side of things. I’ve noticed a difference to in the reactions of my friends so I know that it’s more helpful to validate, and save brainstorming for a time they are asking for ideas. . I don’t know what made me realize it, and it’s still a struggle not to be overly positive in the face of adversity. I think it’s important though, because when someone’s venting they just need to vent.
Ah this makes sense now. I've always wonder why I feel irritated when I talked to my friends about my problems but they start telling me stories about how this other person has it worse than me or how they tell me I should be grateful because not alot of people have what I have. I never really listen to them when they tell me that but I do feel frustrated like I couldn't tell anyone about how I feel regardless of my status with things.
Oh gees, I can see myself in a lot of these toxic positivity traits. Thank you for sharing. Time to flip the script and get REAL with all emotions, not just positive ones.
Well I'm glad to hear this, I had trouble with my emotions because I thought I was fixing my anger issues. Which ended up terribly guilt tripping myself and believing everyone around me didn't mean to do any harm at all. thinking that I was just being a bad person. I pretended that what I feel is not important, and felt like I never was important afterwards. Being honest about your feelings is the best way to go for anyone who reads this
Finally someone addresses this I’m tired of feeling like I’m crazy… 🤦🏾♀️ love her videos .
I get told off for "being negative", when I'm just listing out true face about a situation. I keep on anyway and try to do so in a balanced way.
Thank you for posting about toxic positivity. As a person with a physical disability, and depression I have a very difficult time opening up and being vulnerable about my true feelings. I feel like I always have to be grateful for everything I have. And yes it’s important to be grateful but the minute I expressed any negativity it’s like I have no right to feel that way. I don’t want pity I just want understanding and compassion.
My ex was definitely a "good vibes only" person. It hurt a lot when I tried to talk to him about things I was going through, and he always got mad at me for being "negative" and ruining the "vibe". He also was always very dismissive of his own emotions. Like he'd talk about how he's trying to live a more positive life, which obviously meant something had happened previously that was very emotionally damaging to him, but in choosing this way of thinking, he ended up never showing any range of emotion besides excessive cheerfulness, and even fake enthusiasm around groups of people. Initially that is what attracted me to him, but after a while I realized he was incapable of acknowledging any form of negativity at all. Every little trigger set him off. I wish I knew how to help him at the time, but it seemed like he thought he had everything under control, which inevitably ruined the relationship. I guess neither of us had the patience to work through it.
Men’s big mistake is that they ignore negative sides. That’s why u feel invalidated. You do have a reason to break up with.
Thank you so much for this video. My mom died almost a year ago and, as a chaplain, I’ve had my fair share of dealing with grief. However, I’ve noticed that people say so many well-meaning yet ignorant statements, trying to rush the grieving process. The death of a parent, in particular, is something that will always sit with you. Most people validate my feelings, but I have had a few who tried to rush me into positivity, and that’s not cool. Therefore, I don’t share much with them at all about my feelings and it hinders the friendship because I don’t trust them with my true emotions. Thank you for letting me know that what I’m experiencing is normal and natural. You have a new subscriber!
I can imagine a example: soldiers suppress their emotions in order to keep going during a war. This truly helps keeping them alive. But after war they need extra care because they develop PTSD, depression and even worse conditions.
I've started doing effective labelling - instead of, say, saying 'I'm depressed' I say 'I'm feeling some depression right now' or 'I recognise that what I'm feeling right now is some sadness, and that's OK!'
Immediately thought of Ned Flanders when I read the title.
I cry regularly, when I'm sad or angry, crying just happens. In my experience sometimes being sad feels so much better then being happy. There is a kind of relief and calmness that comes after being sad. Of course, people never react well to this, whenever I do cry, the people around me, (except my close family members) try and "cheer me up" and it never works. And I always hate when people ask if I want to leave the room when I'm sad. I just need to minute to compose myself, and my world isn't ending, I'm just crying. I like quiet reassurance, not blind comfort that people try and do.
I caught myself saying recently after hearing of someone passing "everybody gets a turn" smh... just gross! This pandemic has done a number on my ability to express empathy
Congrats on 1 million subscribers! I am gratefully proud to have found you as my miniscule contribution to this auspicious milestone! Healthy positivity and healthy negativity!🥂
Thanks so much Vins! It's hard to believe I got here. I'm glad you're here with me.❤️
Example: when Cassies says "take it one day at a time" when Rue is literally at rock bottom
Ah yes, I remember what this was all about. Few years ago I knew some people who were also on that "New year, new me, positive vibes only uwu." And when i said be real not everything is positive, especially with whatever else is going on out there in the world (wasn't even trying to be an ass), those kind of people tend to lash out pretty badly as if you committed a crime, toxic positivity was and is like a plague. The moment you say anything they consider negative, their level of aggression pretty much contradicted everything they just claimed to stand for in means of positivity as well.
That shit can ruin bonds and friendships with others because of how unrealistic that mindset is, and whether they believe it or not, also drags everyone down too.
But yes those people do tend to be very invalidating, and awful if you're lucky to meet "that" kind of person, and seriously need to get better help lol. I hope they're doing better now anyway especially away from that ridiculous stuff.
I have a really close friend who needs to watch this. When I hit rock bottom in life and needed emotional support, she would always back away and tell me it's not a big deal and I felt invalidated. She even stopped communicating with me coz she believed I was a negative presence on her "positive outlook" and that she doesn't need to acknowledge such experiences because "life is beautiful". And suddenly I've learnt that she became depressed and shut herself in. She didn't want anyone to comfort her or help her sort the negative emotions because of her obsession with positivity. I hope she's doing fine.. I've stopped involving myself with her and just watch from the a distance.
Good morning ☀️ I hadn’t thought of positivity as a toxic thing. It totally is if it invalidates someone’s feelings. Thank you for the helpful content and congratulations on 1 million subscribers 🎉
or denies the truth staring them in the face.
@@moonhunter9993 blackpill
Someones positivity isn't to invalidate feelings, it's literally to try and take their mind off of whatever is bothering them so much and focus on something else that isn't going to mentally drain them and several other positive things. I bet nobody on here has ever been positive toward someone with the intent to invalidate someones feelings. It's just another thing for these negative people to be negative about.
@@Gored1 i agree and disagree. *toxic* positivity is a form of denial. yes. but you're also trying to force everyone else to deny the full spectrum of reality because it threatens your very fragile grip. People who are toxic in their positivity often believe they cannot handle the full spectrum of feelings and reality, that's why they deny everyone else's.
@@moonhunter9993 Incorrect. It's trying to be helpful while not understanding the full spectrum because unless you have 100% access to the persons thoughts and emotions which nobody does then you try your best evem if all it is is petty words of encouragement.
You people pretend it's the positive people who are the problem when it's you people just saying someone is being this way or that way with their feelings. The problem is likely you if people are trying to get you to be more positive and upliftrdand all you can do is say " Nope, you trying to get me to have a better mindset to have a better day is you forcing me to think the way I do." . It's ridiculous and childish. At the same time I bet if they weren't trying to be positive most of the people on here would complain that the person acts like they don't care, they're not trying to be positive to help me through this. People need to stop pretending people have the feelings they want them tp so they can hold them against them to justify their feelings.
An example that comes to mind for me, is that I was told that in Early Childhood Education, they're taught to let small children own their feelings, even negative ones like sadness & anger. On the other hand, current animators for the Disney channel are told NOT to draw characters with negative facial expressions, which to me can only be damaging.
Thank You for this as I am bombarded with Toxic Positivity from a family member as I have a chronic illness, also she triggers my CPTSD.
I know how to manage myself when well and I just get episodes of ill health.
She blasted me 5 days after a close friend died she sent me a long text message that made me worse. 🤦🏻♀️
I feel you. I also have a chronic disease and cptsd. My mom wants to continue to be in denial. So when she calls, I can't tell her when I am not doing well without being bombarded with this nonsense. Sometimes we need to stay away from people like that, as in detach and manage our amount of contact with them.
Bigger boundaries.
Oh no, girl! Don't let anyone bring you more stress than you are dealing with. Limit, contact with them esp if they are affecting your health!
These informations are very natural, however many people seem to be not recognizing it
Once in awhile I come across these videos and this doctor is always spot on! Society likely has many of us confused when we’re constantly being slammed with inspirational, happy quotes that somehow feel disingenuous and forced. Or someone saying they’ll never find love or have a serious illness followed by the laughing emoji on social media. Like, WHAT?! The full spectrum of emotions is part of the human experience. As I work on myself to become my own best version, I appreciate your content more than words can say. I will be on the lookout now for more of your videos and thank you for giving so many of us the encouragement and validation we need! 🙌
My takeaway is meeting someone where they are instead of throwing toxic positivity at them to mask their problems is the best way to truly help a friend or loved one who reaches out to us. If we're honest with ourselves and understand our own emotions, then we'll be fit to be honest with others about their emotions, and give them the meaningful support that they desire. Great video as always!
Yep I know someone like this. He never acknowledges my feelings as valid if I express sadness, anger, frustration etc. Just smothers it over with toxic positivity. It's made me avoid him a lot
Today, my weightloss coach flushed me. Last year, she told me that I, as an introvert who opens up when comfortable with a group, talked too much. I shut down and stopped going to group meetings. She begged me to come back. When I agreed, I asked not to be put on the spot. She of course put me on the spot. I couldn't share with the group in a positive way. She said that since I didn't have anything positive to say and put up a wall, I was no longer her client. From Dec. 2022 till June 2023, she was great, but her work as a coach slowly became like a cult. Her recommendations became toxic, like telling me to quit my job when I said I was bored at it. I knew I had to leave that relationship, but kept dragging. I immediately felt relief. I'm glad I'm rid of her.
You are one ofy favourite TH-camrs🌻 I have been telling people of the dangers of toxic positivity by explaining how sometimes sitting in the sadness helps me get up and actually conquer it because instead of running away from how I feel, I learn to deal with it.
The place I work, like many work places, has a big taboo on saying negative stuff. You can share your thoughts without getting fired but it will tarnish your reputation if you're critical. There is such a focus on always being positive and "choosing" to be happy and giving compliments to each other that there is little room for constructive criticism, for addressing problems. Failures go unchecked, bad ideas get funded, incapable people are kept on and complaining is "not done".
The word "problem" was replaced by "challenge" and the word "complaint" was replaced by (rough translation) "point of growth". It's exhausting and frustrating. I also was forced to adapt this behaviour when I was in the deepest period of depression, and it's just a bullshit trick that I learnt. Most people love it when I only point out the positive sides and the "opportunities" of whatever situation. If I want to improve some process or situation I have to choose my words very carefully or go to the few people who can see through the bullshit.
Sounds like a recipe for company business to go under.
🤮
Thank you for this video. I can't stand one-sided toxic positivity. Minimization is a cognitive distortion and is abusive.
I had a friend in school who was CONSTANTLY negative. No matter what I did to help her, she just complained all the time. I was also going through my own terrible situations at the time.
That combined really brought me down. So maybe people should take a minute to think about why people say "positivity only" or things like that.
This is very helpful. I always thought by being optimistic in ever situations was being strong, but deep down I always feel the situation is unresolved. Great advice as usual 👍🏾
Wow I’ve been hearing so much lately “how do you do it.. how do you look at life so positively”. I told someone close to me that I feel like my brain is protecting me from all the trauma I’ve experienced. It’s like as soon as something happens I discard it in my brain but it will randomly come back as flashbacks and I’m continuously getting triggered randomly. Or something happens to where all of a sudden the memories just flood my mind. There’s no in between. Its so hard to feel anymore after being so numb for such a long time. Things that would bother the average person don’t phase me.
My therapist does that. She does not want to hear that I have problems. When I say I have severe social problems which was hard for me to admit she just says no, you're fine. I feel like the reason my depression exists is because I was never allowed to feel sad or "bad". The more I feel those feelings the less they pop up.
Sounds like a terrible therapist.
Your clarity of concepts is unmatched by any other videos from other doctors. Thank you.
That's not what the Thought Stopping I learned was. I was taught to analyze the the negative thoughts (i.e. everyone's staring at me, hates me, they're laughing at me, they're going to yell at or harm me). I have pause and question if they're realistic or if I'm catastrophizing. This has helped me with my social anxiety and panic disorder.
Thank you for including my name and mentioning my question,thanks a lot.
We all strive to be happy in life but it’s not always possible to just be happy and I accept that reality.
Anybody who is happy today with all the heartache going on in the world they must be insane.
After drinking and devouring and being forced to reciprocate the toxic positivity within my family, I learned from a very young age to ALWAYS compare my experiences and feelings to others who have it worse, to the point where I'd punish myself in school if I had the urge to talk about a bad grade or a parent fight or anything that made me panic. You've helped me realize I have much to unlearn and I'm still learning to healthy deconstruct my emotions. You've got this ❤️
No worries must mean something different in the USA than in Australia…. Definitely not a blindly positive phrase here - it’s more like a pre-emotive “your welcome” or a way of saying “I’m happy to help” or “I’m ok”
"No worries" can be used in the USA as a way of saying that doing or saying something wrong is not a problem. It isn't commonly used that way here, though. "It's okay" or "No problem" seem to be more commonly used to mean that.