This is the first time I have heard about people developing FA style because of codependent parents. I wasn’t abused and I hesitate to call any part of my childhood traumatic. It seems wrong to complain about my mom because she’s a very loving person, but she’s extremely Anxious Preoccupied and has always lacked boundaries Lots of emotional dumping on me from a young age. It made me feel important and special that my mom considered me her “best friend” as a kid, but as an adult I see how inappropriate a lot of her actions were. So there was a lot of emotional hyper vigilance on my end. Not because I feared abuse but because I didn’t want her to feel sad.
At the same time there are a lot of us whose parents are considered “normal” and not traditionally abusive in any means (my parents provided me and they never divorced), but still emotionally dumped on their children. Looking back I was behaving like such a caregiver (both taking care of them physically and being for them when there was tension) for both of parents and it must have put such an emotional weight on my younger self 😔
I feel gut punched. I’ve been on meds and therapy for decades trying to figure out why I’m such a total disaster. The dumping from my mother was intense and continues to this day. She is 74 and lives with me - and it’s my responsibility to prevent her from life and situational stress. If I set boundaries and say no she goes to my teenage children. My husband got tired of it understandably and left 10 years ago. I can’t kick my elderly mother out on the street homeless, I’m stuck and it’s crushing me. I’m so thankful to at least finally have an idea of what on earth is going on. Not sure how I didn’t recognize this before. Thank you for this video!!!
This was insightful. I didn't realize how much both my parents dumped on us & made us responsible for them & others while also being taught our needs didn't matter & even selfish! They could not meet my needs 💔😢. I knew I took responsiblity for others but it makes more sense why relationships are a struggle & exhausting Thank you!
Very important. A lot of people told my mother not to tell everything from such a young age, it had been completely detrimental to me. Her response had been that no on else would listen to her. I don't fault her for it, I have compassion. However, I really wish she hadn't done that. It's heavy and draining. I never remember having any joy, or the normal liveliness of a childhood.
Thais...and to your whole team. I hope you realize how much of a positive impact you’re having on peoples lives. I read these comments and I know I’m not alone. Even just hearing the intro song to your videos on here puts a smile on my face cos I know I’m gonna get nothing but love and compassion in the video. I love you guys. Keep it up, mmkay? 😉
So accurate to my experience. And on top of all of it, my parents were both abusive, gave me no boundaries, and when I did try to express myself, was always told I was wrong. For example, if my dad was being abusive, my mom would just watch and only come talk to me later to tell me that I need to just sit quietly and accept his abuse because he really loved me. Yet I was always expected to comfort her and manage and soothe her emotions. They're both so messed up.
I have always wondered why my relationships were so one-sided. Watching this video brought me tears, gave me some understanding and provided a little relief. Thank you!
I’m wondering if this could be one of the main reasons why FAs can keep stuck in obviously unhealthy and one-sided relationships with DAs. The familiarity of one-sidedness and emotionally parenting the other than re-parenting themselves. Or the illusion of rescuing the other instead of rescuing themselves...
Oh yes, at least from my personal perspective sounds very likely. As a child of an alcoholic father and emotionally unstable mother who indeed dumped her problems on me instead of being a mother to me, I've always felt so drawn to people who just aren't there for me for some reason or other, and kept repeating the pattern. It's been really hard to break the cycle and stop retraumatizing myself.
Oliver Jazz May I ask you - if you feel comfortable to share - how did you manage to break the cycle? Last time I realized myself in this kind of situation - I just left it altogether, keeping in mind that it’s not my business to emotionally nurture anyone.
@@heyowazzup8900 It's definitely an ongoing process... 😅 And I think it might take years to stop properly. In my case it's been about really understanding the harmful patterns in my past (years of introspection and learning psychology, four years of psychotherapy), listening very very carefully about my own feelings and taking care of boundaries in relationships, and paying attention when feeling the "pull" of familiarity when meeting someone new who fits the bad pattern, before I even properly realize what's going on. I've knowingly tried to avoid certain types of people, who are the opposite of what I'd need in a relationship. And first and foremost: Proper self-care is a must. It's a long road, I wish strength and good luck to everyone else on it!
Oliver Jazz Thank you for your answer! Yeah, I also tend to think that it may take a lifetime to change these patterns )) Hope though that the awareness and careful attitude to ourselves will greatly serve us with that.
The part when you started asking hypothetical questions about re-mothering had me crying. I would have loved it if she asked me how I was doing when my dad was being abusive to both of us instead of only talking about her experience and then making excuses for him.
I was still in elementary school when my dad decided to regularly dump all his emotional pain on me, basically using me as a therapist. So f*cked up I have no words 😅
This is exactly what I have experienced all my life since childhood with my parents and in other relationships as a consequence. I never thought there was a way out, and after this explanation it seems a lot more simple and even positive. Thank you so much...
i just don't get my mother. She has a huge house, has money in the bank has the freedom most people would be jealous of but she's still deeply unhappy. She suddenly burst out crying for no sensical reason. As a rational man, and as a son, i don't really know how to handle that well. She complains about how much she has to do in the household... but she overestimates her work a lot of the time. She is a housewife and so has not to go to a job everyday. The only thing she has to do is clean, do grocery, do laundry and take care of her animals... i mean, come on, people have to do all that stuf after going to a job so... the point is that she is very explosive and so i avoid her because it's always the same story. and me as her son i do help her at times but i have also my own shit going on and i don't want to be the dumping ground for their relational problems . Both my parents do this. The point is, they stick together and never really change. They are afraid to end the relationship also because my father is sick and it would be a problem for my father to live on his own. so, i still live home at 34 year of age, also to help but i needed to reinvent my self due to a back injury i got an so i couldn't do my job anymore... I feel shame and guild if i go for the things i want and logically i know it's my right but it's just so annoying !
Thais, just the title of this video brought me to tears. I've struggled with this my entire life - even up to just a few days ago. Thank you for making me feel seen and not alone in these struggles. I'm so grateful this community exists.
For years and years I was looking for online an explaination what my mother is and why she is always telling me her whole feelings , exeprience, even when I wqs child I should not know at age of 4 how many money we have...she goes on my brain when she is state of trrating me still like a child and I just want to escape. In another hand I have realised I am an avoidant in relationships and friendships also... thank sou so much for sharing this. This is eye opening and hard to face in some way.
And the thing is when you confront them about it, they act totally oblivious “really I did that, I’m not that bad”. So just give them the finger because it’s infuriating.
So funny and wierd that everytime I open TH-cam afrer getting home, I'm like what does Thais have to say to me today 🤣 and then you show up anyway. Thanks.
This hit me like a truck; everything you kept listing off, one after the other, left me realizing that I have issues I didnt realize I had that I should probably start working on within myself.
Hi! I am an ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT. This video might have helped me finally get over my DA who does not show interest in a relationship with me. I could not stop abandoning myself for him. It was a deep pain. And I tried many other ways including listing all the negatives of the relationship. Finally I realized on a much deeper level that I was holding on because of the insane desire to help fix him. 🙈. Hope this is the cure!!! 😁 Thank you Thais! And a shout out to Joanna who is also helping me tremendously. PDS team is the best!
Oh jeez. The accuracy. 💔😂 Thank you for putting it into words, the emotional neglect piece. Really powerful video. Definitely gonna replay second half a few times.
I'll deffinitely say I've watched alot of your channel over a few months and it changed my perspective on not just myself but everyone. Thanks for all your hard work, it's a game changer. I recommend your channel frequently 👌
Thank you so much I am going to work on this list today. This is a great resource for me to share with my counselor about issues surrounding my upbringing and how I have been changing it
I feel emotionally enmeshed with my elderly mother. Made worse as my partner is emotionally distant (DA) and I have no one much else to confide in. I hate relationships sometimes.
My mother will tell me problems with her and dad and my sisters. I’m like why you let that brother you? I find it interesting. How some folks tell me to pray about what’s on their mind yet they don’t take their own advice
I think that using your child to emotionally dump all over (even in their adulthood), is abusive and emotionally incestuous. No parent should be making their offspring (or any child for that matter) carry the weight of their emotional and personal issues. Children are not equipped to manage adult problems or their emotions like that.
I was wondering what to do if I don't really remember much about my childhood? Like I remember snippets but most of my memories are lost in my subconscious...so even when doing like self hypnotherapy "sessions" and it goes for example "go back to a memory where you first thought that money was a scarcity" or something like that my mind comes up blank. I may sometimes get feelings or it's kind of like I'm digging and I'm getting close but I'm not actually coming up with something?
Can you please provide a script for a teen or a young adult to use in a situation where the parent is emotionally dumping to ask the parent to engage with them differently?
Thanks for the great content Thais! Do you guys in this community think children of divorced parents generally end up falling under the FA/DA umbrellas?
maybe. not for me, though. my parents divorced before i was ten, and i'm an AP. the divorce was the least traumatic event during my childhood - in fact, it made life better.
I have many friends with divorced parents but they have different attachment styles(insecure).. I guess it depends more on the way they are parenting you even if maybe it’s more likely for them to have an insecure attachment style.. it’s a serious wound for a baby/kid/teenager..
Actually that was not the case for me. I am a DA but when I was young I wished my parents divorced because I had a narcissistic parent so I experienced a lack of safety in my home as a child and did not wish to deal with the narcissistic behavior.
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This is the first time I have heard about people developing FA style because of codependent parents. I wasn’t abused and I hesitate to call any part of my childhood traumatic. It seems wrong to complain about my mom because she’s a very loving person, but she’s extremely Anxious Preoccupied and has always lacked boundaries
Lots of emotional dumping on me from a young age. It made me feel important and special that my mom considered me her “best friend” as a kid, but as an adult I see how inappropriate a lot of her actions were.
So there was a lot of emotional hyper vigilance on my end. Not because I feared abuse but because I didn’t want her to feel sad.
At the same time there are a lot of us whose parents are considered “normal” and not traditionally abusive in any means (my parents provided me and they never divorced), but still emotionally dumped on their children. Looking back I was behaving like such a caregiver (both taking care of them physically and being for them when there was tension) for both of parents and it must have put such an emotional weight on my younger self 😔
It sounds like you are amazingly mature and loving
Abuse isn't normal
I feel gut punched. I’ve been on meds and therapy for decades trying to figure out why I’m such a total disaster. The dumping from my mother was intense and continues to this day. She is 74 and lives with me - and it’s my responsibility to prevent her from life and situational stress. If I set boundaries and say no she goes to my teenage children. My husband got tired of it understandably and left 10 years ago. I can’t kick my elderly mother out on the street homeless, I’m stuck and it’s crushing me. I’m so thankful to at least finally have an idea of what on earth is going on. Not sure how I didn’t recognize this before. Thank you for this video!!!
Yup... no one's feelings mattered except my mom's. :(
“Mattered.” Past tense. Keep it that way. Your feelings DO matter!
@@cameranserrano1263 that's a sweet comment, thank you ❤️
You are welcome! :)
@@hidden_inchrist :( I promise your feelings matter. I wish we could be friends so i could show you lol. Just have to find the right people
This was insightful. I didn't realize how much both my parents dumped on us & made us responsible for them & others while also being taught our needs didn't matter & even selfish! They could not meet my needs 💔😢. I knew I took responsiblity for others but it makes more sense why relationships are a struggle & exhausting Thank you!
Very important. A lot of people told my mother not to tell everything from such a young age, it had been completely detrimental to me. Her response had been that no on else would listen to her. I don't fault her for it, I have compassion. However, I really wish she hadn't done that. It's heavy and draining. I never remember having any joy, or the normal liveliness of a childhood.
Thais...and to your whole team. I hope you realize how much of a positive impact you’re having on peoples lives. I read these comments and I know I’m not alone. Even just hearing the intro song to your videos on here puts a smile on my face cos I know I’m gonna get nothing but love and compassion in the video. I love you guys. Keep it up, mmkay? 😉
Wow! such an amazing share. Thank you so much. would we be able to use your lovely comment for our future testimonials page?
I would love to help. Go for it! People need to know how great this channel is
So accurate to my experience. And on top of all of it, my parents were both abusive, gave me no boundaries, and when I did try to express myself, was always told I was wrong. For example, if my dad was being abusive, my mom would just watch and only come talk to me later to tell me that I need to just sit quietly and accept his abuse because he really loved me. Yet I was always expected to comfort her and manage and soothe her emotions. They're both so messed up.
I have always wondered why my relationships were so one-sided. Watching this video brought me tears, gave me some understanding and provided a little relief. Thank you!
I’m wondering if this could be one of the main reasons why FAs can keep stuck in obviously unhealthy and one-sided relationships with DAs. The familiarity of one-sidedness and emotionally parenting the other than re-parenting themselves. Or the illusion of rescuing the other instead of rescuing themselves...
Oh yes, at least from my personal perspective sounds very likely. As a child of an alcoholic father and emotionally unstable mother who indeed dumped her problems on me instead of being a mother to me, I've always felt so drawn to people who just aren't there for me for some reason or other, and kept repeating the pattern. It's been really hard to break the cycle and stop retraumatizing myself.
FAs definitely have some kind of savior complex......(maybe that makes them the best therapists? 👀)
Oliver Jazz May I ask you - if you feel comfortable to share - how did you manage to break the cycle? Last time I realized myself in this kind of situation - I just left it altogether, keeping in mind that it’s not my business to emotionally nurture anyone.
@@heyowazzup8900 It's definitely an ongoing process... 😅 And I think it might take years to stop properly. In my case it's been about really understanding the harmful patterns in my past (years of introspection and learning psychology, four years of psychotherapy), listening very very carefully about my own feelings and taking care of boundaries in relationships, and paying attention when feeling the "pull" of familiarity when meeting someone new who fits the bad pattern, before I even properly realize what's going on. I've knowingly tried to avoid certain types of people, who are the opposite of what I'd need in a relationship. And first and foremost: Proper self-care is a must. It's a long road, I wish strength and good luck to everyone else on it!
Oliver Jazz Thank you for your answer! Yeah, I also tend to think that it may take a lifetime to change these patterns )) Hope though that the awareness and careful attitude to ourselves will greatly serve us with that.
The part when you started asking hypothetical questions about re-mothering had me crying. I would have loved it if she asked me how I was doing when my dad was being abusive to both of us instead of only talking about her experience and then making excuses for him.
So excited to see more re-mothering and re-fathering videos related to attachment styles. Thanks again, Thais!
Me too
I was still in elementary school when my dad decided to regularly dump all his emotional pain on me, basically using me as a therapist. So f*cked up I have no words 😅
agree, agree
high five
This is exactly what I have experienced all my life since childhood with my parents and in other relationships as a consequence. I never thought there was a way out, and after this explanation it seems a lot more simple and even positive. Thank you so much...
i just don't get my mother. She has a huge house, has money in the bank has the freedom most people would be jealous of but she's still deeply unhappy. She suddenly burst out crying for no sensical reason. As a rational man, and as a son, i don't really know how to handle that well. She complains about how much she has to do in the household... but she overestimates her work a lot of the time. She is a housewife and so has not to go to a job everyday. The only thing she has to do is clean, do grocery, do laundry and take care of her animals... i mean, come on, people have to do all that stuf after going to a job so... the point is that she is very explosive and so i avoid her because it's always the same story. and me as her son i do help her at times but i have also my own shit going on and i don't want to be the dumping ground for their relational problems . Both my parents do this. The point is, they stick together and never really change. They are afraid to end the relationship also because my father is sick and it would be a problem for my father to live on his own. so, i still live home at 34 year of age, also to help but i needed to reinvent my self due to a back injury i got an so i couldn't do my job anymore... I feel shame and guild if i go for the things i want and logically i know it's my right but it's just so annoying !
Thais, just the title of this video brought me to tears. I've struggled with this my entire life - even up to just a few days ago. Thank you for making me feel seen and not alone in these struggles. I'm so grateful this community exists.
This is so timely! Thank you
For years and years I was looking for online an explaination what my mother is and why she is always telling me her whole feelings , exeprience, even when I wqs child I should not know at age of 4 how many money we have...she goes on my brain when she is state of trrating me still like a child and I just want to escape. In another hand I have realised I am an avoidant in relationships and friendships also... thank sou so much for sharing this. This is eye opening and hard to face in some way.
And the thing is when you confront them about it, they act totally oblivious “really I did that, I’m not that bad”. So just give them the finger because it’s infuriating.
So funny and wierd that everytime I open TH-cam afrer getting home, I'm like what does Thais have to say to me today 🤣 and then you show up anyway. Thanks.
This hit me like a truck; everything you kept listing off, one after the other, left me realizing that I have issues I didnt realize I had that I should probably start working on within myself.
Hi! I am an ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT. This video might have helped me finally get over my DA who does not show interest in a relationship with me. I could not stop abandoning myself for him. It was a deep pain. And I tried many other ways including listing all the negatives of the relationship. Finally I realized on a much deeper level that I was holding on because of the insane desire to help fix him. 🙈. Hope this is the cure!!! 😁 Thank you Thais! And a shout out to Joanna who is also helping me tremendously. PDS team is the best!
Ps. I also understand why the DA did not want a relationship with me. Who wants someone trying to fix them? 🙈
@@Michelle-qq4sdwhat’s a DA?
Oh jeez. The accuracy. 💔😂 Thank you for putting it into words, the emotional neglect piece. Really powerful video. Definitely gonna replay second half a few times.
I'll deffinitely say I've watched alot of your channel over a few months and it changed my perspective on not just myself but everyone. Thanks for all your hard work, it's a game changer. I recommend your channel frequently 👌
Can you talk about how “walking on eggshells” would play into this? Like always monitoring and fearing.
Thank you so much I am going to work on this list today. This is a great resource for me to share with my counselor about issues surrounding my upbringing and how I have been changing it
I would be interested in hearing how a parents divorce in childhood could affect someone’s attachment style? Thank you for this video love it!
OMG thank you- I know I experienced some hardcore parentification but this is so validating.
Reparenting vids would be great Thais. Thank you x
I feel emotionally enmeshed with my elderly mother. Made worse as my partner is emotionally distant (DA) and I have no one much else to confide in. I hate relationships sometimes.
I am the anxious type but I totally relate to this Video...
You’re so amazing. Thank you for changing my life
My mother will tell me problems with her and dad and my sisters. I’m like why you let that brother you? I find it interesting. How some folks tell me to pray about what’s on their mind yet they don’t take their own advice
Thank you
I think that using your child to emotionally dump all over (even in their adulthood), is abusive and emotionally incestuous. No parent should be making their offspring (or any child for that matter) carry the weight of their emotional and personal issues. Children are not equipped to manage adult problems or their emotions like that.
I was wondering what to do if I don't really remember much about my childhood? Like I remember snippets but most of my memories are lost in my subconscious...so even when doing like self hypnotherapy "sessions" and it goes for example "go back to a memory where you first thought that money was a scarcity" or something like that my mind comes up blank.
I may sometimes get feelings or it's kind of like I'm digging and I'm getting close but I'm not actually coming up with something?
A lot of things can be draining depending what it is.
Super helpful. Thank you
Can you please provide a script for a teen or a young adult to use in a situation where the parent is emotionally dumping to ask the parent to engage with them differently?
Great content!
Wow, great video!
Thanks for the great content Thais! Do you guys in this community think children of divorced parents generally end up falling under the FA/DA umbrellas?
maybe. not for me, though. my parents divorced before i was ten, and i'm an AP. the divorce was the least traumatic event during my childhood - in fact, it made life better.
I have many friends with divorced parents but they have different attachment styles(insecure).. I guess it depends more on the way they are parenting you even if maybe it’s more likely for them to have an insecure attachment style.. it’s a serious wound for a baby/kid/teenager..
Actually that was not the case for me. I am a DA but when I was young I wished my parents divorced because I had a narcissistic parent so I experienced a lack of safety in my home as a child and did not wish to deal with the narcissistic behavior.
@@adamwood87 still less than parents that don’t love each other or argue if together 😊
@@roshalllambert yes I understand well.. in that case is better of course.. if you don’t have an healthy parent better for him/her not to be there
This is so me😔
Wow. You couldn't have posted this at more relevant time for me.
**Hi Thais:) Please can you do a video of Two Anxious Preoccupied individuals in a dating relationship**
How in the world do u know my life?
💜💜💜💜
Damn.
😯
If you want to give psychological advice show your qualifications