Irresistible Autistic Qualities - Why Some People Are Attracted To Autistic People
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 24 ก.ค. 2024
- Hi! I'm Orion Kelly and I'm Autistic. On this video I explain the #autistic traits and qualities that some neurotypical people find attractive. Plus, I share my personal lived experiences as an #actuallyautistic person. #autism #orionkelly #autisticadult #whatautismfeelslike #asd
⏱ Index:
00:00 - Attractive Autistic Traits
02:34 - Feminists
05:30 - Gender Stereotypes
07:51 - Parent Connection
09:16 - Emotional Qualities
10:50 - Moral Qualities
12:37 - Personality Traits
14:43 - Lack of Experience
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ABOUT ORION:
Orion Kelly is an #ActuallyAutistic vlogger (TH-camr), podcaster, radio host, actor, keynote speaker and Autistic advocate based in Australia. Orion is all about helping you increase your understanding, acceptance and appreciation of Autistic people.
#AutisticVoices #ActuallyAutistic #Autistic #Autism #OrionKelly #ThatAutisticGuy #ASD
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Related: autism, autism diagnosis, Orion Kelly, orionkelly, thatautisticguy, tiktok videos, autistic, autism in adults, autism in women, autism in men, autism spectrum condition, asd, autism spectrum disorder, aspergers, aspergers syndrome, autism in boys, autism in girls, dsm, dsm5, autistic adults, autistic kids, autism mom, autism parent, autism family, autism speaks, autism awareness, autism acceptance, autism at work, am I autistic, adult autism test, autism disclosure, autism therapy, autism prevention, autism meltdown, autistic burnout, autistic behavior, autism symptoms, autism traits, autistic signs, what autism feels like, love on the spectrum, stimming, echolalia, anxiety
![เปิดบ้านสุดหรู "เเจ็ค the ghost" ลั่นถ้าป๋องกพลลำบากผมเลี้ยงเอง!! l [Nickynachat]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/1xbW4vULqGc/mqdefault.jpg)
I would definitely say this is different for females (but you did state that in the beginning). Speaking from my own experience, I think what might attract people is we seem naive, "innocent", playful... the naive part can get us into trouble sometimes by those who would take advantage of it.
💯 thanks so much for watching and commenting.
Yes, I definitely agree that the female perspective is much different. Getting taken advantage of is also my experience. And I have a ton of baggage from my relationship experiences (both platonic and romantic).
Men get taken advantage of too :( many traits of mine that most find endearing and some find attractive are also invitations to use it abuse my trusting and devoted nature. I just wanted to chime in, not to invalidate you but more to say perhaps it's not your gender...?
@@charlottelouise209 I should just never speak. I wasn't being sarcastic at all I was attempting to be helpful. This is what I get for using words. However according to the same logic no one should ever attempt to help anyone because no one can speak to anyone's experience. So I guess we're all on our own. And yes that is sarcasm. There wasn't any previously but at this point I give up.
People infantilize me, including those much younger.
Im going to add...autistic people, especially women, tend to unconsciously take on the traits and desires of their partner, making us appear like their perfect person. I did this in relationships as an undiagnosed autistic and have read of others doing same. Its part of masking. We want the person to love us cause we love them. It finally crashed down after a couple years of marriage.
Ill also add, autistic people tend to look and act younger than their peers, keeping a youthful optimistic approach to life, i think.
Amen!
There, that's me!
Thank you for sharing this! I’ve find this to be 100% accurate and I have been bringing more self awareness when I’m around my crushes.
YESS!! I did this for YEARS
"autistic people tend to look and act younger than their peers"
I'm a teen, and... most of my peers seem really immature to me, and I was told that I'm rather mature a couple of times.
...maybe it'll change in the future?
There's one you didn't mention that, in retrospect, has played a role in every single relationship I've ever had:
*"I don't think I've ever met anyone quite like you."*
We all know that masking is at best only partially effective, and our lack of innate ability for group conformity causes us to always stand out, even if we don't want to. That glimpse of authenticity and uniqueness, however much it may irritate us sometimes to be unable to mask it properly, is nonetheless very attractive to some people.
I have heard this about my humor. It seems that all that practice with observation allows me to identify commonalities in things that others miss.
Going forward, I think I’m going to treat somebody saying “I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone quite like you” as a red flag. It only seems to be treated as a positive for a short while, then it gets used against me by the same people who said they were so fond of it.
My sister says she prefers talking to autistic people because she doesn't have to put as much energy towards the "are they saying what they actually mean" game. There's not much in the way of mind games or manipulation
This is true! I used to have a friend who would hint at the fact that she was annoyed, but never actually say it. It was torture.
I know an autistic lady who is a master manipulator/liar....they do exist.
That's a double edged sword because as ASD man I'll say thing NT don't even understand that are perfectly clear to me. Just come out in way that leaves people making assumption and wrong assumption most often. It doesn't come out like BS though it can be understood and saying what I mean but the entirely wrong message so it really wasn't what mean. It's not a lie just a communication issue.
My husband has autism and I love a lot of these qualities about him. The brutal honesty can be harsh sometimes, but it makes the compliments mean so much more. When he tells me I'm gorgeous or the best wife, I know that he sincerely means it and it's not manipulation or flattery. It's so refreshing never having to guess at what your partner is thinking. He is just open and tells me exactly how he feels and most of the time exactly what he needs. The best thing of all is how much he appreciates touch and loves to cuddle 💗
That's interesting. I'm an HFA who was diagnosed at age 37 (52 as of 2023). While I am brutally honest; even when it's to my detriment. However, I can also be very cat-like or "need-to-know". If I don't feel like someone needs to know something, I might opt not to tell them. What do I say if they ask point blank? I might occasionally give them the truthful answer, but I would more likely tell them either "I'd rather not discuss it", "that's none of your concern" or a partial (read vague) truth. That said, there are also cases where I don't readily offer the truth when not specifically asked. Would that be considered lying by omission? I don't think so because I wasn't asked in the first place.
@@DavidLazarus I'm like that too. It's not a lie, it literally doesn't even occur to me say that thing unless asked. It's like that bit hanging out in the shadow of my brain that goes unnoticed till someone asks about then it rushes forward for the spotlight.
@@DavidLazarus my opinion as a NT person is that lying by omission happens when the omission would be important to the other person. An extreme example, your friend asks what you've been doing lately. You say "not much" even though you had a date last night. Not a lie by omission - your dating life is private, and good friends respect that. BUT if that date was with your friend's partner, that IS a lie by omission, because that information would matter to your friend a great deal.
@@OldSchoolLPsGames Agreed.
For me, it's the consistency and loyalty, quirky behavior, brilliance or deep intellectual curiosity and showing up for me when I need it the most.
Thank you input
As a neurotypical person myself, I experience my autistic brother as being quite unemotional (which I have interpreted as a lack of care in the past). I now know that he cares and is good-natured, but it is not demonstrated through facial expressions or words. Instead, he shows his care by being willing to help me out if I'm in difficulty with something. But I have to deliberately and clearly ask for his help and describe exactly what I want from him, otherwise he is lost and doesn't know what to do.
I think one of the most attractive traits of autism is honesty. There's no bullshit. There's no playing games or seeking to manipulate people.
I too am not very facially expressive. Well, that is when I'm not standing in front of a mirror making funny faces. I tend to express care through acts; not words.
Oh man, every time I try to help and I just don't see what needs to be done! I have actually begged the person I'm trying to help to tell me what task they want me to do only to get brushed off because they feel that if I was actually interested in helping instead of virtue signaling, I'd see what needed to be done and just do it without asking. It's a no win situation.
@@Jacqueline_Thijsen Oh, that must be so frustrating for you. I'm so sorry that I've been one of those people.
OMG that's so true! People expect you to read their minds but they never have the time to read mine. Just TELL ME what it is you want me to do and I'll be happy to help you.
Weird. I find to be the exact opposite. Neurotypicados hardly ever offer help or see when it‘s needed… They need a clear request and that is not exactly “help“, it‘s just doing a favour. Help is offered if it‘s genuine.
I find the ASD quality that most attracts NTs is authenticity. While we do mask in superficial situations, in a one on one connection we talk about real stuff and pretty openly say things as we see them. Everyone plays a game… Apsies don’t, it’s refreshing for a lot of people.
Also, we have attention to detail and hyper focus on a person in the moment.
I'm in agreement with you on folks loving it when people drop the pretense. (In practice, some do like it and some don't, but I'm firmly in the "do" category.) I am NT and pretty introverted, so I easily get exhausted by pretending to like people that I couldn't care less about in a personal sense. When I interact with other people that don't want me to pretend for them, it's a breath of fresh air. As an added bonus, I almost never have to worry that they mean something entirely different than they're saying. I also like listening to people who are knowledgeable in their field, even if I'm not particularly interested in it myself. I've got a friend who's really into knife throwing (she's pretty badass all around). I could listen to her talk about it for hours. It is incredibly rare that I'll get bored by someone talking about their special interest, which I think is another reason I've gotten on so well with some of my autistic friends.
Of course there are things that do rub me the wrong way - nearly every human gets on my nerves at times. The typical directness (see above where we don't have to play pretend around each other) can be a double-edged sword. There is a ton of pressure in society to be "nice", so when someone isn't the typical definition of "nice" it can be very jarring in the moment.
I think when we really get down into the nitty-gritty of what makes people form bonds, it's how much of ourselves we can see in that other person. Sometimes it's superficial things, like we're both into sports or we both love sushi. The more important connections are things like we're both honest, we both care about fairness or justice, we both want to spend our lives learning. For me, it's easier to see whether or not those connections are there when people aren't as interested in hiding themselves - like you said, authenticity. And if I can be authentic right back without being judged as "weird", then we're off to a great start.
THIS.
That first paragraph is normal though. Everyone masks in superficial situations then opens up one-on-one and is more real. Tf are you on about.
It is a matter of degree. NT masking is like wading in water to your knees. Autistic masking is like swimming in water 20 feet deep, until so exhausted you are in danger of drowning.
Yes
My wife of 22 years is autistic. She is my B.S.-free, black and white, deeply compassionate partner.
She likes to compare us as one of us is an iphone, the other is an Android. Both are phones, but they work slightly different than each other.
thank you for loving her as much as she needs! you are a good man.
That is an EXCELLENT analogy for us autistic people compared to neurotypicals. Keep on trucking with her man, she is a keeper.
I kinda love this comparison 😅❤
Love that ❤
❤❤❤
You know what sucks about being autistic ? When one has to encounter with narcissistic people and those who like to belittle the unfortunate by "flexing" on how gifted and intelligent they are . When we try to have a debate or a conversation, they are always interjecting and pushing their BS on our throats like we're dogs or something . It’s not like we don’t know anything about “respect”
Definitely. I did a comment on another of Orion's videos about this. Having a narcissist parent is torture for an autistic person and narcissism in society is more rampant than ever.
While I agree with all that’s been said, I’m struggling to understand the relevance
@@lesliegann2737 agreed, thank you.
@@eilzmohe relevance is being targeted by Narcissists because we are Autistic. Then take advantage of us because they see us as weak, naive, vulnerable, what have you. Narcissists like to flaunt themselves as superior to everyone they encounter and they see us as a great target to do that.
Narcissistic people avoid me because I just point the the truth and usually in way that is not timed well. This throws the off guards and exposes them. That and anything they say appears to have absolutely no impact on me as I'm delayed a reacting to what say. That's problem in relationship but drives a narcissist crazy. My wife will say something to me an think I'm not even listening to her, the two days later I react to and come back for clarification. Does not happen all the time just 60% of time for me.
One trait, as a woman, that I think men found attractive when I was dating, was what appeared to them to be indifference. I think they saw this as a challenge 😂
Yep women are attracted to the same thing , no matter what they say they don’t like men who run around behind them like a puppy dog. Also being obsessive compulsive means you have no trouble doing physical training so I was always physically fit , broad shoulders and a narrow waist doesn’t hurt😂 The big problem is Asperger’s people tend to tell the truth. That can work out badly😂
Exactly
I am turning 70 and hubby 80...I just realized this year ...I have Asperger's ...and most likely does my precious hubby. I don't think any neurotypical person could ever have made us happy or feel "normal". I thought when my first hubby had to be around folks all of the time it was a mental issue on his part LOL...Anyway...I am loving your talks...learning so much....and I love your shirts...and you are as cute as a bug on a rug...seriously.
Orion is the autistic bestie we all needed, telling it like it is
It’s interesting that you mentioned lack of sexual experience as an aspect to being autistic that NTs may find attractive. As an undiagnosed female I was actually extremely promiscuous as a way of ‘fitting in’ and trying to make connections with people. I used overt sexuality as a way of finding ‘acceptance’. Needless to say, it works pretty well initially but then there are all kinds of weird and contradictory social ideas around being sexually honest which seems to make a lot of people extremely uncomfortable 😳☺️
Yup! I hear you. Me too. I was looking for emotional/physical connection through sex, but man, did I ever get burned.
My understanding is that it tends to go either way, but rarely right down the middle. Autistic people tend to either be quite sexually open or promiscuous, or they tend to be very inexperienced or virgins late in life.
Of course I don’t remember the source of that and so I don’t know what degree of veracity it holds, or if there were selection biases or other flaws with reaching that conclusion. It could be all kinds of wrong. But it has matched my own experiences in life pretty consistently.
Autistic an sexy brings the predator pack to ones door
All the men I've dated have been autistic. And none of them have been really kinky and good in bed lol 😆
Oh my gosh! Me too, so much. I thought my only way to be accepted or have value to men was sex and my body.
You missed a big one! Actually a combo. The root of autism is experiencing sensation differently than Allistic people. As such, we can have a far greater focus on the sensations we create for our partners. The other is autistic special interests. An autistic person may enter a relationship with limited sexual experience, but if it becomes a special interest, they can make up for that very fast with a willing partner. Put those two together, and you have someone who can tell just what sensations drive their partner to ecstasy. Of course, I can only speak from my own experience, YMMV.
Yeah this makes a lot of sense. I’m not diagnosed and currently I doubt I ever will be but I’ve explored every other option sooo 🤷♀️ anyway, I was gonna say that this is an exact description of my one and only meaningful sexual relationship. I had no idea what I was doing but I learned fast (like I always did with every new skill) and turns out good sex was the only thing keeping us together for the next 4 years haha
Wife says not to overthink when we make love.. I always have too. She had a bad experience in the long past so a gentle considerate approach is needed. I’m that person so yes I overthink it.
This was my exact experience. She had been around the block, I had no experience. She said I was easily the best at that. I have an insight into the power of touch...
My son has moderate ASD & anxiety. Very little talking but he can and he is absolutely stunning. He has no idea how beautiful he is.
Perceived physical attractiveness is subjective and therefore doesn’t correlate with ASD.
I noticed that when I was in my room and several people had gathered there during a party, I was hyper focused on the drawing I was doing. I forgot about the people around and then suddenly looked up to see a man staring and smiling at me. I said I wanted to know what he was smiling about and he said “now that’s what I call drawing!” The next time I saw him and invited him over he was just wondering what I was reading and he wanted me to read aloud, I looked up as I thought he was probably bored with it and he was crying. I don’t think there’s anything I could do with him around that would be unreasonable and I just feel great knowing that someone is actually enjoying the reality of mine that most people are freaked out about.
I met my first ever friend when I was 29. It was openess and honesty that bound us. He is NT and he is sick of lies and deceipt he observes everywhere, and finds meeting with me a nice respite.
i am 30 and havent found a friend :'(
@@khplaylistyt9729 I'd say in this case, it is wiser to wait, than to get involved with someone who would abuse you faking friendship. Have hope
I like your comment about not being a macho man with a man cave, having to get away from the old "ball and chain" for several hours watching a match. Even though my husband has not been diagnosed as autistic, he is like this. I am on the spectrum, and I don't like girly things like going on shopping trips or spa days or whatever in the world neurotypical women do to escape from their home life. Chris and I are each other's best friends.
My husband and I are both NT, but I very much feel not being a "typical" husband and wife. We do have ways we are fairly typical - I love "feminine" hobbies like sewing and knitting, and he is really into MMA and watching the fights every week is very important to him. But I think that's the superficial "man and woman" stuff. The areas we differ from typical are usually in how we show we care for each other - I'm more subdued, he's more demonstrative. He always has a present for me on special occasions, I literally forgot our 5th wedding anniversary. He wants to spend all day every day with me, I like to have fairly regular alone time where I'm just doing my own thing. We're almost exactly opposite of what would be expected.
Here's what I think really keeps us together: we made a pact very early in our relationship to actually talk to each other. If one of us feels bothered by something, we say it. It has saved us so many arguments in the long term. Yeah, it sucks to hear that your spouse can't stand when you do XYZ, but it's better to hear it early than to let that stuff build up and only have it come out in the middle of a screaming match when tempers are running full speed. We've actually never had a "fight". We've argued and disagreed, but never once have we gotten to the point of name-calling or low blows. I firmly believe that our open communication is responsible for that, and it's what has kept us friends for nearly 15 years.
Wow. What an uplift. To hear that the things I hold with shame could actually be attractive. Dude! Everyone on the spectrum needs to hear this unique video. Love you man. 🙏
Well that was refreshing !
🌈As a person on the spectrum - I have had lots of experiences w. people where I was the target of some trickery & never understood what was going on .
- Men were always trying to steer me; I guess they picked up on my naive & trusting ways.
> I spent my life in angst & therapy trying to figure out what was wrong w. me.
> In recent years, random people assumed my west highlander : dog was my “ emotional support unit “ - I didn’t understand why they would say such a thing?! - I am always calm & stable;
“Do I look like a person who is emotionally unstable ? “
I wondered ?
> I noticed how all my friends are “a little odd “ - and I wondered about that, too.
> When I was a kid growing up, regular kids were not interested in me. - I was different, being the only mixed Chinese girl in an all white school. Nobody would be my friend. In addition- I have vision impairment
- so I can’t play sports, dance, etc. etc.
> When I started dating, things always went wrong .
> I was always getting into trouble for hanging around w. the wrong people. I told my parents, these were the only people who would have me. - The conservative people didn’t want anything to do w. me !
> I still get treated odd bc of my appearance? Demeanor? Who knows?? -
> I spent my life in the creative arts field ( music & art ) .
I explored various fields of work.
I am fascinated by the work men do. I like the way they organize themselves & work as a unit.
> I was so busy trying to get everything right, I didn’t have time to figure out what was wrong w. me. I know for sure my life often - didn’t feel right.
> I wasn’t pleased w. my achievements levels, although I made it to management level in every field of work I entered.
> Today I’m single. With autistic men friends. They attach to me. But - I am too tired to be a mommy again. ( I was married, twice already. )
Autistic guys are very fussy & bossy, and inpatient w. me.
> I’m recovering from exhaustion- and taking it easy.
✨🌻🌻🌻🌻✨
I'll boss ya around real nice. I just did an autism.
Wow…that was a lot of progression. Are you okay? /gq
Also, ✨ women ✨
I am 56, I resonate with all you said, except that I have one long term 30 year marriage with a fussy bossy man that I mother (exhausting) add two children and my wheels nearly fell off, long story short, I just found “could it be asbergers “ on TH-cam by prof Tony Atwood and his explai nation of girls hit me full force! I have been doing research these last few weeks, and I can only say my life has improved, I have found my voice, (think Disney little mermaid..to walk among humans she lost her voice?) now I wear ear pods if the TVs too loud, I retreat to a dark room if I am over Irritated in my soul from being criticised (dis regulated) I say, say that again, I missed the first three words, and concentrate (instead of being told “just LISTEN”)
The amazing thing is.. my scary hubby LOVES me in his way, he is responding very well to my new boundaries (aimed at taking down my stress levels) I now have the language to defend myself, 30% more calm brain power to plot my next move, and most importantly I know I am not a defect!!! I won’t let others abuse me EVER again, I am like the princess and the pea, others have to get over it and adapt 🤗 edited to say, his most enduring qualities to me, are that he is loyal, hard working, brutally honest, but no hidden agenda, he is a little adaptable 👍
Being a high functioning autistic who was diagnosed at age 37 (52 in 2023), I think most neuro-typical people would think that I lack ambition. Why? Not because I'm lazy, but because I am not driven by money. I never have been. I don't need a top-paying job. Nor do I feel the need to seek higher paying jobs every few years. Do I have aspirations? Sure. I want to compose more music, get more into graphic design and fractal animation and learn modern programming languages. However, I am not a vain or "status oriented" person. I seek function over form and to minimize total cost of ownership.
I agree with Orion about social justice. Being a HFA, I am very much an advocate for social justice and am a member of several organizations including Greenpeace, Amnesty International and International Campaign for Tibet. I am also a true Leftist Democrat who is actually further Left than Bernie Sanders. That said, I very much support Bernie's agenda.
I absolutely love your interests and aspirations! For the past six years, I was studying online gaming design, computer design and photography. Finished it within eight months. When asked by others why don't I just go with large or small companies that can hire me for top-dollar and get paid better? I'm like "Nay. I prefer to set up my own time and my own clientele list on my own. I don't need millions $$ to be happy" Lol!
I've been doing just fine, I wish you all the best @DavidLazarus !
@@hameley12 - I quite enjoy adventure and logic puzzle games. Have you done any games for Android or Windows?
@DavidLazarus Yes. And play on my new PS5 with friends. Been interested in all eSports video games since I was young and saw my cousins go at it. Lol!
What about you?
@@hameley12 - My first gaming console was the Atari 2600. These days, I prefer Android or Windows games.
I am with you on the first paragraph
This makes soooo much sense. All throughout my relationships, wether short flings or years long relationships I was always the person’s “soulmate”, that I just “accepted them like no one else did”. This was especially awkward dating guys before I realized I was gay!
Weirdly I feel like my autism protects me against ill intentioned men in general. I appear very stoic in most scenarios so I come off as boring, and the reality is a lot of men only interact with women they’re attracted to. A rare win for both autistics and neurotypicals?
Every single thing you've mentioned I've either realized about myself or experienced. I'm currently just starting on the path to being diagnosed (late thirties) and your channel has already given me so much insight into what my life has been and turned into. It's equipping me with so many things that are helping me move further away from the self-hatred I've felt so much of my life. I hope this does inspire autistic people to know that who they truly are DOES have a lot of value in this world and helps people to trust themselves to not mask around the people who they want to be able to love or have a relationship with.
Yes, I am brutally honest. People have said I was rude, disrespectful, and lying many many times in my life. I will say I don't lie, and their comeback is either everybody lies or yeah right or they make a huffing sound. I will say well I don't lie and then they will say more mean things. It hurts my feelings.
Well said! I love the lack of gender stereotypes, machismo, being a 'player' etc. Also, an appealing innocence, directness, straightforwardness & lack of social game-playing, cheating, dishonesty etc is very attractive. Knowing where one stands & what to expect. I find auties refreshingly, wonderfully straightforward (not sure if I am autie myself, but possibly. I have many traits in abundance, like naivite, openness, sense of justice, honesty, sensory hypersensitivity, extreme empathy etc but not others, like 'shyness', dyspraxia, dyslexia.) I'm quite studious & geeky & love others similar. Thank you! :)
... and reliability! To know what to expect & feel 'safe' with the person & their trustworthiness. (Not all, I know, but most in my experience.)
I enjoy the conversations and the way ASD value my opinion as a fellow human. I've found with NT guys, they only bother talking to me if they might want to date me, and then it's awkward. But my ASD friends are more open to having a good conversation regardless of my gender or looks. It's very refreshing.
Thanks for your refreshing video. Here's a few things that crossed my mind while watching you that I also see in myself.... imp-like offbeat sense of humour... not having a desire to follow fashion trends but creating your own style (as in your colourful shirts)... refusing to give up your childlike innocence and sense of wonder... unwilling to be a cog in the wheel... being a truth seeker amongst many neurotypical people who only stay on the shallow end of the pool... having deep captivating interests... not being a standard dude or a girlygirl...
I say I’m 5 years old, never want to grow up and lose my innocence and playful attitude
As someone who's always struggled with the feeling of being unlovable, and yet have had my fair share of relationships, this video's done wonders for my self esteem. I really appreciate the work you do
I'm not an Aspie but i have a theory that maybe the reason NTs are attracted to Aspies is because the NT has a strong parental instinct because Aspies are very child like in certain ways.. they're fragile/sensitive, often confused,, inexperinced, innocent/naive, and so those with a strong parental instinct might psychologically feel the need to protect, teach/guide, love, and comfort the aspie ..
not in a pedo sort of way but because their parental instinct compels them ...
that and there is something refreshing/comforting to see the sort of innocents/purity that Aspies display especially given how disheartening society has become (to put it nicely)
but that's just my theory as i said.
being in a relationship with an aspie, I can agree with a number of things you stated as to why NTs are attracted to Aspies.. one I have to say you left out is the way aspies word things sometimes can unintentionally come out as amusing to NTs and, generally speaking, NTs perfer to be around people they can get along with and can make them laugh ..saying that, they also might be attracted to the seemingly light heartedness of the Aspies
TH-cam is better than radio. You're a winner at life.
One of the best traits about us in my opinon is being individualistic. I see this often in the realm of social / political views. I have strong views on several topics that are aligned with a particular portion of the political spectrum. But what I am more strongly aligned with are a distain for untruth and a passion for indivdual people. Such that the latter influences the former. Whereas with main stream society it seems to be the other way around. Where they latch onto a thing, society says this is right wing, or left leaning, or centerist. So they form a complete identity and world view based on that. It is as if they are incapable of independant thought. Yet we are considered naive, foolish or stupid for wanting to live in a more considerate world with no games other than those made by Nintendo or Sony ect.
Yup you nailed it. Those are all the qualities that attracted me to my autistic partner. He really was irresistible!
My experience is that when people ask for your opinion on anything that has to do with how they look, they don't want truth, they want a compliment. I find it extremely difficult to give a compliment I don't really mean, but it is usually not all that difficult to just name one thing about it you like and not say anything about the rest. This is usually sufficient to make them happy and not ask for any other specifics. For instance, when they wear something that's absolutely the wrong size or just the wrong color for them, "That looks like real quality fabric, very nice." is nearly always enough and acceptable. Or maybe you like the color and don't add your opinion that it makes them look like a corpse. There's not really a good answer to the question of "How old do you think I am." I just tell the truth and if they're offended I tell them that if they don't want to hear the answer, they shouldn't ask the question. BTW, I'm Dutch. Being very direct to the point of rudeness is considered normal, while being circumspect as is the norm in other countries is considered disingenuous. So in this one aspect, the Netherlands is a great place to live for us autists.
If you have a good relationship with your parent, then you'll find people with similar traits to them comfortable and familiar to be around. Your parents are your first social life. If you got along with them, it just makes sense that finding people with similar traits out in the world will make you want go be their friend , or even romantic partner.
I've found that telling the direct truth without using kindness is more like cruelty to NT's than critique.
Dude! I just ❤ that you put this concept out into the universe. Let’s 🎉 our diversity. I dig my brain & always have. I think that’s one thing that draws people to us. We are generally the definition of genuine people who are true to ourselves (bc we dont really get a choice in the matter there) who truly like our own identity in a non-arrogant way. We are the anti-narcissist. Right On!!!
Getting off of spouses and into friendships. As an autistic female I don't have many female friends because I don't play get or enjoy the people games they play. The few true friends that I have are usually drawn to me because of my straight forward nature.
I'm not married, so my flat is partially man cave, part discotheque and part kid's bedroom. I've got probably more cuddly toys than an adult should have. Mood lighting. Vinyl records scattered about. A DJ mixer, a couple of turntables, full disco lights. Yes, I'm weird, but wouldn't have it any other way
Sounds rad!
Sounds fun to me
Sounds enchanting!
I married an autistic woman, I actually did not know better and accepted Aspergers as the norm. My own mother, my brother, my first girlfriend, the man I worked with for 20 years with ,were all aspies. I just accepted it as the normal way that people were. I am not one but I am surrounded by them.
My Wife, one of her kids is , her grandchildren are all apart from one, the great grandchildren are nearly all aspie or one is out right Autistic and with problems. Next door neighbour and her two kids are aspies, the other side is a single man aspie. I just do not get to know many others who are not aspie.
One real advantage is they do not play with me in any psychological way, they are honest and truthful, with little chance of lies. What they say is what they think.
Thats really interesting!
I have a story idea about some non autistic people in an alternate, predominantly autistic world and what that might be like (with ofc heavy detail and emphasis on the ways that the autistic centered world works, because it can be used for example of how to accomodate us and also because it is the most interesting thing for me to figure out how everything would work and be handled)
I also have a predominantly neurodivergent family and a nephew who all the tests (genetic and etc) show he is probably most likely not autistic and probably doesn't have ADHD, and i honestly feel like it might be a good idea to make a story that he could connect and relate to or represents him in some way
And i would also like to know the proper ways to accomodate him and make sure he grows up well.
So what were your experiences?
maby your not wrong this entire world is a loony bin.
Bro, where do you live that you've ended up surrounded by so many autistic people?
as a very recent self diagnosed autistic person… I highly resonate with your train of thought and the points you mention are ones that I’ve asked myself before….. just a few days ago had I thought my social and copping skills was due to my misophonia (which was self diagnosed as well a few years back)….. also and almost forgot to mention (not that anybody cares 😸) but I’ve been single for 10 or 11 years… so…. yeah…. guess that says a lot without needing to say much 😑
Been watching your videos for a bit now. I so identify with your humor and quirks. To add to this list, I find that people are attracted to my unbridled enthusiasm for learning things and sharing what I've learned. I might be surrounded by good people already, though. They like to hear about the rabbit holes I go down.
What does it mean by rabbit hole? I hear that term about going down the rabbit hole and I don't know what that means
I love the honesty/openness, passion for their interests, perceived innocence, and strong empathy. Of course every individual has additional qualities that can make them more desirable.
Wow, nailed me. Never been diagnosed but the characteristics are correct for me. The compassion we give others make us approachable. Dates … 🙄 yes we’re too anxious and tend to go overboard.
I find irresistible, that autistic people are often more open to experiment in their sex lives. As you said, people on the spectrum don't usually follow expected roles and rules in relationships. Many polyamorous, gender non-confirming or happily kinky people I know seem to be on the spectrum. They are highly intelligent, responsible, and I respect them greatly.
Thank you! This is a jolt of confidence. 😊
Well done! Refreshing to see the pluses instead of all the “disabilities “!
Thanks Nancy, I appreciate you watching.
Great description Orion 🙏🏻
I watch you on my TV but grabbed my phone just to say thank you for this. Specifically the comment about how this are attractive at first... And then you zipped it.
Spoken like someone who truly gets it.
I could go on but zzzzziipp
I just found out in late 2017 that I am Autistic, when I was 53. I had no problem meeting women or engaging in sexual adventures.
The problem is that my Autism is like a giant blinking neon sign, and it attracts horrible people, like Malignant Narcissists. The Narcissistic women I have met typically use sex to get attention, and are HIGHLY sexual, to the point that they want sexual activity to also mask problems.
This Autistic neon sign also attracts bad people who pretend to be my friends so they can get what they want before they dump me in the garbage.
So I'm trying to figure out a way to attract non-destructive women who are not Narcissists or otherwise toxic. It has only been 57 years, so maybe I need to give it some time.
Equating Autism to Feminism only works when focusing on equality. Some Feminist groups push for dominance and express hatred of men.
Most feminists are for equality not dominance.
Feminism just means wanting equal rights to men. That’s it. Women definitely have the right to be angry right now since our basic human right of owning our own body is being taken away. I am concerned that you think women who enjoy sex are “narcissistic”. They can be. I’ve met some narcissistic men like that, but women who enjoy sex are much healthier than women who don’t. I’ve learned to communicate to see what people are looking for. That helps
Re the “some feminist groups” wanting to dominate men… incorrect. Please look up the definition of feminism. If these groups want to dominate men, they might call themselves feminists but they are not feminists. This is an excellent example of the dangers that come with naming things incorrectly… people start to think words mean something that they don’t, until suddenly they do, and then where are we smh.
Anyway, I hope you are managing to progress on your journey for the perfect woman. Hopefully you’ve found someone nice by now 😊
@@eilzmo Rad fems are like terrorists though, Andrea Dworkin and Catherine McKinnon etc
i hope you find someone ❤
Just found you today but this is by far the best content in this space!
Honesy, loyalty, dependability, and trustworthy are qualities that my Aspie man has; that I appreciate very much. My Aspie man is kind to animals and children. He is a caring, creative person too. I love that about him.
I could never figure out what drew men to me but my husband of 40 yrs, tells me it is my child like spirit, I'm small and built like a boy, with boobs, and there is an androgynousness about me; for some reason guys seem drawn to this and, horror of horrors, will just meet someone, men or women, and tend to engulf me in hugs. I am 58 and still it annoys the heck out of me to be patronized or belittled or not taken seriously because of my appearance.
Love it ❤️
lol I've been needing a positive video currently, thx
Very nice video Orion.
And BTW, I love that Aussie accent ❤
Thank You for that ❤
I think the experience can be quite different for women/AFAB, because we have been socialized quite differently, for the most part, from men/AMAB. But I really appreciate your perspective and honesty ❤
I’m going to work on addressing those differences. Can you help with thought starters, things to cover? Thanks for your thoughts.
What are AFAB and AMAB?
@@216trixie “assigned female at birth” and “assigned male at birth”
@@starlesspaw another nonsense set of acronym letters for a nonsense concept. A penis assigns a male and a vagina assigns a female.
I got friend zoned by some people I really liked but it didn't upset me that much because I was their really good friend and not their type. But I connected full on to the non typical person.
You sound amazing!!! No sports or man cave! ❤️❤️❤️
I can't say I agree with a lot of this. I am a woman in my mid 40s, late diagnosed. Like many late diagnosed ASD women I was in an abuse relationship in my early 20s, and was SAed as a teen. I've been told by NT men that I'm "too loud, too intense, the kind of women you f*&@ not the kind of woman you marry" also so many have commented on my sexual energy. I've had men lie and use me because I'm a bit naïve and take people at face value. I also have a high sex drive and enjoy sex (sensory seeking?), that coupled with my straight forward approach doesn't always go over so well. I have had plenty of dating experience (3 long term relationships, for a total of 15 years), and have loads of "baggage" (I hate that term). I became single again at 39, and am now in a very non conventional relationship with a guy I'm 99% is also autistic (you were bang on with the no games!). We are both VERY sporty, not something I see with a lot of ASD folks - but I'm finding more. He enjoys video games as a way of winding down... he would totally have a video game man cave if he had the room but I would respect it as him needing space and not him hiding from me. I can see where you are coming from for some autistics but much of what you said is not my experience at all, and I'd be curious to see what other women think. But I always appreciate you sharing - it always nice to hear other's perspectives.
i'm a lot like you. thanks for your comment
I also share a lot of your experiences. I figured Orion’s descriptions could highlight common but not universal traits, and maybe gender has a big influence, too, on how we interact with the world.
I’ve thought about how we “belong to everyone but are not each other’s possessions,” how we connect with and often mirror others when we’re into them, but then we learn too late that many people are using us without caring about our best interest. So I’ve gone between being cold and distant to protect myself and overly immersed in people when I’ve felt brave and safe to show my feelings.
In “belonging to everyone,” I feel happy if I am able to share important feelings and ideas, whether with one person or many friends/loved ones (although I also can’t balance lots of scheduling and social events that well if they’re outside of my anxiety-overriding passions). But if someone wants too much of my energy to be directed at them exclusively - or when they demand a mirror when I’m not in line with them and I’m not just already doing that - I pull back quickly.
I’m not sure if that fits what’s you’re talking about here but I’ll press send anyway.. 😅💌
Another demisexual here, always confused by people who go isn't that guy/girl over there really hot. I have always been honest that I don't do that, there is the occasional person that I think that their face really stands out to me or but it doesn't go beyond that. By the looks I get when I say that I don't do that (rate hotness) I worked out that I was in the minority in that regard early on.
You are so right! I got diagnosed recently so the world makes more sense now anyway. But that was always so confusing to me! How can someone be attracted to a person they dont know? So wierd
@@NightmareCastleCat97 men are attracted visually by physical stimulation.
From what I can tell, demisexual is a description of how women respond sexually to stimulation. Sounds like normal heterosexuality for a woman. Men are attracted by visual stimulation women need emotional connection usually to be sexually stimulating.
Except your theory fails when there are men that tell you that they also identify as demisexual. It also sounds like you clearly haven't spoken to sexual women because they most certainly experience physical attraction as a primary motivation. You know that thing about men being tall or having muscles or they're not interesting? Apparently not. Women care about personality when it comes to long term partners but it doesn't mean that they don't experience physical attraction until they get to know someone. They do and they use it to scrutinize partners.
@@216trixie Wow way to just take the stereotype that society has given us and run with it. Using that logic there wouldn't be any one night stands because the women wouldn't be attracted enough to the men to want to do so (unless you are implying that all one night stands the woman was coerced).
Also I have been around enough groups of women who go that that guy is hot, sounds like they are enjoying visual stimulation to me otherwise why would they notice.
This was amazing
Narcissists are attracted to ASD also. The vulnerable personality attracts them as does the inability of the ASD person to discern whether a person is genuine or not.
I think for the "autistics go easy into relationships" might be accurate for men but not females xD at least if I go by my own experience with a sprinkle of adhd on top of it. I experience my lack of object permanence and get paranoid that I'm forgotten every minute my date isn't talking to me, since I get a lot of happy hormones when I'm interested in someone that becomes like a drug to me and I'm constantly chasing that high by becoming waaaay to dependant on the poor guy I've exchanged some flirty messages with. I literally get feelings in a day if I suspect the potential that someone might be interested in me and then I proceed to kill all those feelings by being super over the top XDD and I'M AWARE THAT NEUROTYPICALS DON'T LIKE IT but I just don't know how to NOT do it when they're all god awful at communicating?? All I want is a comforting reply explaining why they can't answer and I'm fine o(-
Also any mention of having kids or marriage early on in dating is SO awkward because of course I would assume that would be me and my date if we're currently dating but apparently mentioning it kills the vibe? So stupid, why would you date anyone if you wouldn't be okay with at least the potential of maybe marrying them someday lol it's not as if I'm saying that we should get married/have kids right away it's just a far away fantasy
you and i could become good friends, i think
I feel you
I love what you said about man caves and the men in them.
I am Currently undergoing assesment and I am so anxious ,waiting for the conclusion ,stamp, affirmation .I am 58.
Single female and I wonder if now that I know that I am autistic perhaps I might find a better match for me and not be so negative about men.I Hate the games. I Love that social justice.
Tact is important too, honesty is not an excuse for an" aggressive attack FOLLOWED BY Oh I'm just being honest. I am not suggesting you are Oroin but I do know people like that and THEY use honesty as an excuse to hurt people. Thanks for all your videos and advocacy keep up the good work Mate lol grunt grunt. Keri.
Thanks mate! Appreciate it.
Well, to be fair, the people who do that actually _are_ being honest. They’re assholes who are telling the truth (or they’re lying and just enjoy hurting people). It never occurred to them that they could be kind, and that’s because they are not kind people. They are assholes.
Does anyone else have the experience of partners that are enthralled at the beginning. But the day-to-day reality of me is overwhelming. Living outside the bounds of societal expectations means they have to free their minds too.
Because they're some of the sweetest souls in the world!
My best friend has Autism, and he's the best person that I know. He's my favorite person and I am his. He's so incredibly sweet, as sweet as the purest sugar. In our 14 years of friendship, he's nevee snapped at me or taken out his anger on me. He's never even uttered a single unkind word to me. He's just a total Sweetheart. I adore him to death! 💛
I have always quite accidentally been attracted to autistic males. I love their weird, quirky nature. I love that they are themselves. I love their brutal honesty and openness. These are qualities that help me trust men to begin with. I feel I myself am also Autistic. Though undiagnosed.
Definitely, lack of sexual experience was a huge turn on form my last gf. But now I don't know if I can put that on the resume ;)
“Omg. He’s so mysterious and aloof. So.. Calm, stoic and matter of fact.”
Nah. I’m just Autistic. 😂
My partner is autistic, and I have ADHD. We were friends for a very long time before we realized we were more deeply connected than that. Our non-NT qualities also I think contributed to a greater eventual flexibility in what and whom we can consider as a partner.
I definitely identify with the parts of the video about appreciating a sense of social justice, and enjoying that their life experience has been and continues to be very genderqueer with respect to gender norms. I love that they don’t care about that and have passions and skills that run the gamut of expected to unusual.
But, and maybe this is my ADHD speaking, I have always been *deeply* attracted to passion and interest. Over many different passions with different “crushes” over the years (I’m also demi so not many “partners” though), but *that* someone is passionate about something, and joyful, and doesn’t have hang ups about being excited and joyful is *deeply* attractive to me.
As far as our partnership, they have appreciated that I validate and celebrate their passions and joy (joy is their best outfit, I like to say, and there’s nothing greater than joy on the face of someone you love! And what is better for bouncy stimming happiness than a deep dive in a special interest!), and I appreciate that they have very good routines and schedules in place to help keep my executive dysfunction chaos more on the rails.
I totally agree that neurodivergent people seem to be much more accepting of human rights and more open minded about differences. I love that so much ❤️ I have also never subscribed to gender roles/norms, which have seemed arbitrary and limiting to me since I was a young child.
Thank you very much!
7:28 well said mate 👏 👍 👌 I agree 100 % 😂😂😊😊
I'll mention I'm not formally diagnosed but I have been told by people it's possible and I do resonate with many autistic people.
One thing I'd like to add is that although these traits may be attractive to neurotypical people at first, I think they can also get overwhelmed quite easily from these same traits that initially attracted them to us.
This all echoes with me a LOT. I had never thought that my attitude of treating women equally had a connection with autism, but it makes a lot of sense. I agree about having a sense of right and wrong, which I think ties in with a sense of judging things rationally rather than emotionally. Political allegiance to Trump for example is very much tied up with tribal behaviour. Means NOTHING to me. Same with sport, which can also be tribal. Means NOTHING to me.
You just described my late diagnosed husband (diagnosed at 52, been together 20 years). No wonder I love him! Autistic partners are the best ❤
I'm still loving the shirts Orion 👍😁
❤️You are precious!❤️👍🏽
I like that we speak honestly. It doesn't occur to us to lie. IMO.
Yes❣️🥰 A life but no friends. Who has the energy for the social shenanigans ,When you wake up daily and are forced to run the gauntlet of life?
I can't believe I finally found this video (yet to mention its quality with the timestamps and subtitles!), because there aren't many materials talking about this topic that are available for me to find. Most of the videos/blogs I found only explained why some people attract other autistic people, which makes me wonder if my experience is something 'abnormal'. Great video by the way!
I think that’s good, that many autistic people don’t feel they have to follow the typical gender roles, because it will help break people out of that mindset. I had a friend whose husband was not autistic, but was the stay at home dad. He was happy doing that, and so was she, but people would make him feel like he was doing the wrong thing. I think many autistic people are non-judgmental, more accepting of people from any group… I know that’s how my son is; he doesn’t even think to put labels on people and think it’s strange, when people judge other people, because he doesn’t even notice those things. I adore my son and many of his traits! (And he’s 14…what mom can say that of any 14 year old?! 😂) When my son would have in-home therapy, there were certain things that they would try, and change about him, to make him fit more into society, and I would have to stop them, because if it doesn’t bother him, it doesn’t bother me. Sometimes the line would get blurred, on what they should have help with in therapy, when maybe it’s US that need the therapy!!!!
This explains so much!
I’m glad I’m 31 figuring I have autism
Need to move to a different state asap!
I subed. Youre a legend
I think you nailed it. You expect some emotional connection before sexuality. The norm is the other way round and I agree that the norm is wrong. People should prove good attitude first with no strings attached, rather than trying good attitude only after a long sexual relationship and then failing at it.
Yeah this is very true 😂 the fact that i always was very open with feelings, dressed very femenine, always were super honest and came up with fun things to do. Made it so that back when i went to school, i had alot of girls interested in me and always people who wanted to just join me in doing things 😂 usually didnt end well once people got to close but atleast it gave me the confidence to keep standing up for who i am and not try to hide behind my mask to much.
having lack of experience could also be a sign of the person being more focused on themselves and less likely to use other people as outlets
I would say that the qualities that scare the vast majoritiy of women away is also what attracts a minority: a complete disregard and disrespect for social conventions and genuine and open and explicit already from the beginning. That makes some women to trust me already from the beginning because they see me as different to all men who play a game and feel that I'm more sincere. Some women like my humour. I'm also very verbal and can describe feelings and happenings. I also appear logical to many and that attracts some women who find themselves in a world of flimsiness. Some also feel they can be themselves with me since I'm not like most men. I'm probably less judgemental than most NT people. If someone gets closer to me there are other things they might like, for instance, I caress the skinn very gently, which is often highly appreciated. :))
But it feels weird to mention that when there are so many other things that are bad. Unfortunately, I'm very resistent to change that has to do with my ego, identity and feelings. I don't want to change. Only in other ways.
"Why Are Some People Attracted To Autistic People" because i'm gorgeous
Yup!💕 I’m female and these traits are real plus some you didn’t mention.😅
I sort of have my "man cave" in the shape of my lapidary shop and jewelry bench. It's one of the joys of having Asperger's, having the talent for cutting and polishing stones to make my own jewelry.😁
One thing my husband reallllly appreciates about me is the upfront and direct communication. I say what i mean, even if its abrupt to others, and theres no mind games.
I wish everyone would communicate like that honestly. It seems theres no many issues between people because they simply wont be direct.
It takes you 3 minutes of my day just to get to the material.
Yup, that's me. I cry some days at the horrors girls and women endure every day all over the world in every culture country language religion society for thousands of years. Whenever I put a comment online, I get attacked by misogynists (both male and female). But this is not going to stop me - if Greta Thunberg can endure it, so can I. I don't call myself a feminist - I call myself a human being. You're either a human being or a misogynist. Thanks Orion.
Oh man, this resonates with me *so much*. I never understood things like racism, sexism, gender roles, etc. I know they exist and I can recognize them, but they never made an ounce of sense to me. I’ve certainly never fit the mold of your typical female. I like a lot of “guy” stuff as much as I like “girly” stuff. Having to fit into a mold was something I never understood. You just are who you are. It was something my family could never accept about me and they always tried to force me to be graceful, submissive, etc. I relate to everything you’ve said. I had no idea these were all autistic traits and I spent my life wondering why I was so different.
Lots of men fancy me esp after they get to know me
Hehehe oh look it's me! I am quite sexy, so this video is very accurate. The only part that's not so true is the point about experience. It's true I'm not a player, but because I've been in previous relationships I have some idea about how the physical side works, which is beneficial to my partner and attractive in its own way.
I don't agree on the point "lack of experience" only toxic people attracted to naive or innocent people who don't hve people skills and taken advantage offff!!!
(Plz make a dedicated video on how we can learn social and emotional intelligence fast 🙏)