I needed this so bad. After my double didget relapse my group ostracized me and refused to help me. But 1 month today . Weaning off at first. Pot and anti depressants do not go very well. Bob
Whenever I relapse it’s because things in my life aren’t going too well and I’m not proud of myself. I eventually end up using because of my depression. The hardest part is that my loved ones don’t understand and if i was honest they’d all look at me like a piece of shit failure. I seriously wish I could have an honest talk without being ostracized. It sucks having to do it completely on my own
My gf is a heroin addict and has been clean for ages but still on methadone and lapsed yesterday a one time use lapse and now she's crying feeling guilty and.jatomg herself wishing she'd never ever done it, 😥 I love her and told her it's ok it's a blip and we can move on from it but the guilt is taking over her xx
Thank you for your video. I do agree with your compassionate response advice to a loved one with a relapse. However, when you’ve been compassionate over and over, the patience tends to wear a little thin. And if the person who is relapsing is your partner, I have to admit, you do start thinking about your own welfare and realise you need to give some consideration to that too. You want your partner to get through the relapse, you will do anything to be there for them, to listen, to encourage, to motivate, to support, to show love and patience. Sadly, there are consequences to this endless cycle - your own mental health. As a partner of an addict, you become low, tired, frustrated. You are trying to balance work, commitments, healthy living, family AND support and love for your partner. The first relapse you can cope with reasonably well; you’ve read the literature, watched the help videos, attended the sessions, changed or adjusted anything and everything to help make a safe, supportive and loving environment for your partner and you. The second, third and fourth relapses become progressively more challenging - I have to be honest. As I write this I’m very aware of how selfish I am sounding. But believe me when I say that I’m running out of energy. I’ve concerned myself so much with helping my partners recovery, that my eggshell walking is getting a little weary. I’m not getting any younger either. I just want a peaceful existence, even if it means leaving her. I feel awful saying this. But it’s the truth. And yes I’ve told her all this and to be fair she has totally understood where I am with this. But I still feel guilty. My heart goes out to all people suffering with addiction and relapsing. My heart equally goes out to loved ones of those addicts. It’s not fun.
I was a bad drinker and I stopped because my side hurt every day after I had a drink. I'm 12 years sober now, and my fear of killing myself keeps me from touching alcohol ever again. Call me an addict or not, self preservation made me quit.
Thank you!! I needed to hear this tonight. My loved one had a relapse tonight and myself and my family are just gutted, deflated, exhausted and just disappointed. My love for them will never leave. This addiction will only be conquered by our love and support but there are cracks in our foundation and are we struggling to keep this building from leaning.
Sorry to hear about your loved one and their relapse. You sound like you are doing all that you can, especially by getting your own education and learning. Sending you and your family prayers for healing 🙏
@@thundertyrant hi there iam currently in recovery from cocaine addiction I relapsed this week an I feel horrible. I went missing on Christmas Day the police found me just in time hanging from a tree I’m finding it hard really hard I let myself down an my family. I start my rehabilitation meetings. Aye just realised that relapse is part of my journey to recovery. Don’t loose faith in your loved one they will fight the addiction. I hope one day to be able to help others in recovery that my goal. Love from Scotland 🏴
@@weeman8911 thank you for posting on here. I'm sorry you relapsed. But you are right it is part of the journey. I always had the big misconception that recovery was a straight line but it's far from it. I'm glad you're back on track to clean and clear living. It truly is the way!! As a guardian / Unk of the loved one that relapsed it was heart breaking at every level. I root for him everyday to choose life it's that simple!! I hope you do the same my friend. The world needs you here more than you'll ever know!! Much Love from New Orleans ⚜️
Having had a Lapse after 1 Year ; I can completely agree with this , luckily back on Track and now 4 Months +. There is no impossible journey only the one you never begin there is always another way ..
This is a great explanation. I made it almost 80 days then had a lapse 1mth now I’m on day 2 sobriety. This is so difficult I hate a relapse. My wife busted me out I had so much shame but thank god she is still here and she isn’t giving up on me yet
Hi Deann! Thank you so much for the kind words and I apologize for the late response. Glad to know you are enjoying the videos. I hope you have a great day!
Thank you, I needed this advice badly. The love of my life struggles with addiction and I've never experienced having to deal with someone like that in a romantic aspect, anyway, so when we first initially got together I reacted in a very unhelpful way I wanna say all of the times it happened and I didn't realize that. I just knew I was hurt and reacted the same way when I was a child trying to beg my dad to stop. I definitely have trauma, but am getting help. But since then me and my love have broken up a couple times and come back together currently and I've grown/evolved as a person and am definitely seeking out what to do in these cases because I had no idea. Thank you for this. I hope you and your son are thriving to this day. And I hope the outcome with my love is a good one 🙏🏻
Ir's very common. Please practice being gentle and compassionate toward yourself. When we are truly able to love ourselves unconditionally, the desire to be good to ourselves and our bodies is much easier ❤️🙏
My spouse is leaving me because I had a lapse and lied to her about. She felt 'gaslighted' once again and has had enough. Has anyone NOT lied to their loved one about having a lapse? I have asked this question at recovery meetings and so far, nobody has heard of anyone not lying. What about people here? Have anyone heard of someone who lapsed and did not lie about it? Thank you for this video! I wish my wife would accept this video.
Hi Arnie - Yes, everyone lies when they are in active addiction and will generally lie about a relapse. It comes with the territory. It's very hard for family members to understand. I'm sorry to hear what you're going through but I do hope this will not keep you from moving forward with your recovery.
@@DRKJFOSTER Thank you for that validation. I finally have it in my brain that my recovery IS the most important thing in my life...for life! There is never a good reason to lapse, relapse, slip or use. Nothing good can come of it.
It is very hard to stay with a spouse with an addiction. It’s exhausting. It’s scary. You never know who you’re going to come home to. There’s support groups like al anon and how everyone is exhausted and scared. She deserves to focus on herself and her mental health. Everyone heals differently. Being lied to is not fun even though it’s normal to lie for some people.
@@rillapospieszalski3819 Thank you for your reply. It seems like there is a fundamental irreconcilable difference between al-anon and other 12 step programs in that my 12-step program suggests that we live in today, not forgetting the past but not stuck in it, and not living/worrying in the future either. Al-anon goers seem to be more focused on the past and the future and not living in the present. I am sure that is not true for all al-anoners, but is certainly true for the one theat lives in my house. I'm sure it is exhausting to live everywhere but the present. I've heard it referred to as "time-tripping".
Wow, this was so helpful! The lapse vs relapse viewpoint really makes the idea of getting back on track quickly seem much more doable. This is your first video I've ever seen & I'm looking forward to more, thank you! 🙏👍❤
Hello to anyone suffering from or who have family members who suffer from addiction. My dad just relapsed for the 3rd time. It’s honestly normal at this point it sucks when something shitty happeneds to someone and they resort to street drugs and then it’s so hard for there loved ones to see them like this.
Thank you so much dr for your crucial information, my roommate and my sister have been relapsing quite a few times the past 6 months and I feel as though my reactions haven’t been the most supportive. This has helped tremendously and I’m going to be a lot more conscious of my words
Great points in this video. Just heard the interview with Colin as well. Really appreciate hearing some of these perspectives. It really helps me sort of understand how an addict mind works. Thanks for sharing. Just subbed!
I relapsed after 6 years 7 months sober. I only drank for 13 days. I am now six months sober. It has been really hard. I have been in AA the whole time as well as my wife. When I relapsed the people from AA shamed me and my wife left because her sponsor told her to. Having a hard time. Really sucks how people in AA treat relapse.
My husband has had his 3rd relapse in 18 months. At what point does being compassionate and kind become enabling? I feel he keeps relapsing because he has no consequences at home. He knows i will not leave him no matter how many relapses. Im tired of the abuse. Im tired of playing detective. Im just so tired
Hi Adrie - Glad to hear your husband is back on track. The answer is "slowly" It's going to take time. Try to be patient and compassionate with yourself and with him. Sending you positive vibes and here rooting for you both 🙌🙏💗
Thank you 🙏 my husband committed to quitting alcohol and getting treatment today and I’ve been wondering how to be supportive while still holding him accountable if he has a lapse. I got clean from heroin 10 years ago so I know lapses happen. This was helpful.
What was the help or place you went too.... To get sober from your habit 10 years ago... I have a loved one currently using and can't see how it makes them act while on..... They nod off or get stuck no movement
@@sirmoney2762 I just went to a crappy one for poor people near my house but it didn’t work. I finally just did it on my own after finding Jesus. I stayed at my moms house and she helped me get through it and I did a bunch of prayer and meditation every day and started turning into a major health nut. I quit talking to every single person in my life that used. I threw out my phone so I didn’t even have anyones number. My mom lives on acreage so I started gardening as my therapy. Every time I got a craving I’d think about the withdrawals instead of the good feeling so I started to associate drugs with misery. I also didn’t have a car so I was stuck in a rural area with no way to go anywhere. Doing it on your own might not work for most people and you can encourage people to quit but it’s difficult to make someone quit, actually impossible. They have to really want it for themselves.
Thank you for the tips. I am hopeful that this will definitely help in helping my dad as he have relapsed ( alcohol)after 7 years. Really needed this as my family is going through a tough period right now😑😑
Thank you for the tips. My love jst went on a 4 day binge and I reacted in the way that you just said NOT TO. I also said encouraging things. It was a long 4 days. Im going to do better.
Oh no, Tara. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's a really painful situation, especially if it's happened over and over. At least you were able to get to the encouraging part. Be good to yourself 💜🙏🌺
My loved one just relapsed and what I'm wondering, is how can I find the streght to be supportive and give them hope, when I feel hopeless myself? And I don't want to make it about myself, but at the same time this is happening to me too. And I also feel very helpless in the sense, that I can't stop them from using, all I can do is just to accept it or leave. And don't really want to either of those things.
Sorry, I am just seeing this comment for some reason. You need your own support, whether that's a support group or an individual counselor. There is strength in the support of others!
I sometimes feel like my compassion gets takes advantage of. Almost like he thinks because I am understanding then he knows he can always get away with the relapses. I know positive motivation and support is the most encouraging but how do I stop him from using it a his millionth “second chance”. He knows I will always be here.
You bring up a very important point, because there are many people who will play upon your emotions and manipulate your compassion. I think the fact that he knows you "will always be there" is where the problem exists. I don't know your specific situation, whether you are talking about a spouse or a child, but either way, what does "will always be there" mean and what does it look like?
I came here looking for ways to talk to my Father about his lapse. The reason he stopped was that he got diagnosed with liver cirrhosis and was told he may need a transplant. He had around 2- 2½ months and then had a few lapses in between. I am an only child, my mom has passed away... We have only each other and he has a lot of guilt and shame around it. He hasn't yet revealed to his friends about all of this. I wish he would... Except me, I only know 1 other person in our family circle that will respond with understanding and empathy. I just feel desperate tbh, I had a very hard time when he was in the hospital, I am still kinda young and have a chronic illness myself. I just don't want my father's health to get worse.
I'm so sorry to hear about your father and the pain and suffering you have been experiencing. All you can control is how you respond. You can educate your family circle, but how they respond is out of your control. I pray that your father will be able to get back on track 🙏
This is so very true, unfortunately, my family think yelling, judging and shaming is how you treat someone who has lapsed/relapse.... I had a lapse after a good amount of time being sober and the way I was treated by family, was appalling. Thank you for this video....
So ive been clean for 8 years now, we got clean together and now have a 3 year old baby. What do you do if they full blown DENY that theyve relapsed, even though its completely obvious and theres complete proof ? My boyfriend relapsed again and is denying that hes using even though hes been nodding off for almsot a week, face first on the floor, locked in the bathroom screaming and high for like 7-9 hours, huge swolen bloody track marks, not showering, he didnt pay his half of bills this month and geta defensive and insults me when i bring it up that i do NOT have an extra $600 to pay his half, extremely abusive verbally and physically, leaving needles around, not showing up for ANY of his responsibilities... What do you do then? I cant support him and even talk to him about it to try to make a plan/ figure out how this happened and how he can get back on track, if he wont even admit hes using.
That’s really rough. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, with baby in tow. Have you talked to anyone else about what is happening? It seems like he thinks he can lie his way around it- which is why I wonder if anybody else knows what you’re going through. I think since you have a toddler and he is using in the house, you probably need to leave or tell him to leave for the time being while you figure it out. It’s not safe to have that level of unpredictability with a child around. There’s no way for you to guarantee their safety in your home if your partner is using or under the influence in that environment. That doesn’t mean that there’s no path forward with your partner, or that he’s a bad person. I’m sure your partner will understand that you love him but cannot allow this around the baby. He will have to accept that and reel this in, or not. You can’t control that… but, your role as a mother and everything that comes with it, comes first. 🙏
I'm sorry for the delayed response. I'm just seeing this now on in my feed. I'm sorry for what you are going through. It's so painful, I know, I've been there. I hope that you've been able to get some support since you posted this because that is what you need. You need other people's strength to keep you going and help you to make decisions that are going to be the best for you. There are several options on line for family members if you can't find anything locally. I hope things have improved since you posted this.
Addiction is not a disease addiction is a choice yes I'm a recovering addict myself and when you recognize that it's all a choice your relapse addiction. We will finally move away from the repetitious and lies that people have instilled in you about relapse and addiction! I have been clean and sober for well over 15 years. I don't give a rat ass if somebody lays another kilo in front of me I have made a choice in my life never to take that never to do it I will not have any temptation to do it. It has came across me several times before still nothing. So instill your worth into yourself and enjoy your life instead of being controlled
my G.F. has been battling addiction for the entire 12 years weve been together,i'm a really patient person...but i fear she will never recover..i do get mad at her,but have always been fair and reasonable..I ask her if I was fair and reasonable after our discussions (rarely an argument)and she agrees...i completely understand there is no helping someone who doesnt want it...were not married but i always go to the line ' in sickness and in health '...but i'm not sure how much more i can take..i do let her know that her addiction is hard on me ,but i ask her what she wants ,and how she feels,she does get help but just keeps relapsing...may god help her...i dont know what to do...i believe this will be a last attempt,but i'll seek professional help today..
I'm sorry to hear about our gf and for both of your suffering. I am glad to hear you are seeking professional help. That is a step in the right direction.
My bf would go for a month sober. And then he would disappear for a day or 2 (we live in different countries). It would make me worried sick,he would relapse (meth) and would be a complete mess,and quite frankly mean. And I am truly trying my best to be there and to support him. He would go fine for a month or even 2. And it's killing me seeing him suffer. And I am so scared of cutting him off because he is refusing to get help. Can anyone tell me what would be the best for me to do. I wanna be there foe him I truly do. But I don't k ow how much longer ai can deal with this.
Hi there - I can appreciate how painful this experience is for you and I can tell that you understand that your friend is suffering and not doing this to hurt you. I would recommend that you do what is in the best interest of your own health and wellbeing. You can tell your friend that you love him and that it is too painful for you to watch him doing this to himself and that you are available to help him if he is willing to get help, but until then you have to take care of yourself because it hurts to see him doing this to himself. The compassionate approach is always the answer. Compassion for yourself and your own suffering. Start with compassion for yourself.
@@DRKJFOSTER thank you. He is finally feeling better. And we had small chat this morning. I told him he has nothing to be ashamed of it's all part of a journey. And that I am here whenever and foe whatever but that he needs ro consider getting professional help again. He said he is to exhausted to talk,and that he is to ashamed. And that we will talk about everything tomorrow. Worst part is we are more then friends. And I had no idea he had this problem before we got in some sort of relationship. He is relapsing more and more. Now it's at least once a month if not more (when he is hiding it from me).
My husband can go long periods of time without pills but then he just wants to take them....he likes how they make him feel...I suspect that right after he passes a drug test...he pops one.. I am disgusted and do not want to be supportive....I have heard I’m sorry far to many times and I’m tired of always wondering...is he or isn’t he? I crave stability
Really good points in the video, but so so very difficult to do. My husband seems to cycle with alcohol about every couple of weeks. He'll go sober for a little bit and then it's like he just decides he wants to drink and isn't even making any effort to not drink. It is really hard to think that he is trying when he doesn't go to his meetings, doesn't call his sponsor, and lies about it. I am so disgusted and sick of it. I love the person he can be when he is sober but I really can't stand the person he is when he is drunk. He is never violent or aggressive and just spends most of his time in bed. I have had to go to so many things that we had planned to go together on my own, and have had to turn down invitations to things that I wanted to do. I totally get that my yelling at him and shaming him is not helpful. What is said in the video is so right. But it feels like it is impossible to do when you are feeling so hurt and so angry and so disappointed. I would leave the drunk spouse in a heartbeat but I feel trapped because then I would also be leaving the sober spouse. And we are pretty terrific when he is sober. It's like living with two people and you never know which person it is going to be. Planning is impossible. He is making my life miserable, so I find it so hard to respond compassionately.
My partner had a lapse last night after 4 weeks sober. He's in texas and im in California and i got back from visiting him on monday. He re/lapsed a day after I left. He's so far away and im so scared idk what to do. I feel like hes going to keep taking advantage of my compassion and love for him. But im so scared of losing him to his addiction for good
Hi Max. I'm so sorry to hear your partner relapsed and sorry for this late reply. I'm just seeing your comment now. Being the loved one of someone using is so painful. I do believe that you can be compassionate and still have boundaries. I recommend you participate in some kind of support group to help you better navigate this experience.
What about when the loved one was 99 days sober and just got out of 30 days treatment and then relapsed? What should I do? And how should I react? Is letting them stay under my room enabling? What kind of consequences should be made? I really Need some advice here :(
Also I have been with this loved one for 6 years and this is the 3rd time in rehab… I am not sure what to do. I was very respectful and let them know I was leaving for a few hours because I didn’t want to leave and set my boundary telling them I didn’t like being lied to when I asked multiple times if they used (found out they did after they said no straight to my face) (respectfully asked)
It is really difficult to give advice without more context and history. My best advice to you would be a mutual-aid group like Alanon or Smart Recovery and/or counseling. Also, try to be compassionate. As long as your loved one is willing to re-engage in recovery and move forward, I would be supportive. If they are still using and not willing to engage in a recovery program, I would not do anything to help or enable them until they are willing to commit to recovery. Wishing you and your loved one success 🙏
I'm worried about my partner. We are both in recovery and her behavior is odd lately. Either indicative of mental health issue or relapse. I know all the ways we try to hide this stuff and it is all so sketchy to me. Is just don't know how to broach it without injuring our relationship too much.
Hi Matt - This is such a difficult aspect of recovery because we want to help and sometimes in trying to help we can make things worse, especially if we accuse our loved ones of relapse and we're wrong. I recommend coming from a place of overall concern. There is nothing wrong with telling someone you're worried about them because of xyz (insert specific behavior of concern) and being sure to express love for them. They still might get upset but you are approaching them with love and not anger or frustration. I hope that makes sense and I apologize for the delayed response. I'm not always good about getting to my comments.
How do you react when you see your loved one(22yr old son) has now started drinking now smoking pot saying at least he's not doing coke.....after 3mos sober of all
I have experienced this with my son. I express concern. I talk about the likelihood this has to lead him right back to coke because it is changing the way he thinks. That I'm worried for his health and wellbeing and then... I take care of myself and surround myself with support. Unfortunately, he is going to need to find out for himself whether this will lead him back to coke or not. Sending you prayers 🙏
I feel so trapped I’m also addicted to weed and Xanax with your videos I was able to get off the weed but the environment I work at is so hard for me me to stay focus cause people often offer me things and sometime give them to me for free I been saying no lately thank God but as an addict i fee like I wouldn’t be able to resist any longer now I have a wife and a son that depend on me I can’t quit my job cause I’m the head of house hold. This feels awful like I’m stuck in a loop I can’t get out.
I'm sorry to hear of your struggle, Oliver, but you are not alone. Many people work in environments that make it very difficult to stay on track. I would suggest getting involved in a recovery support group to give you more strength and if you are already involved in a program, then be sure to lean on them for support. Hang in there and keep moving forward, it will be worth it.
Hi, hoping for some advice.. my husband just relapsed on meth after 8 months clean. We just lost our daughter through stillbirth two months ago, he had only decided to get clean two months before we found out I was pregnant. So I knew relapse was a possibility but was praying it wouldn’t happen. I called him out after I saw the signs and he swore it was a one time thing and he didn’t have anymore. Then 4 days later I had to call him out on it again. He apologized for lying and said he flushed the rest. My trust is completely gone once again as this has gone on for 8 years. I know it’s a slow process of regaining the trust but it’s harder this time because we were both wanting to try to become pregnant again soon. I’m terrified to bring a baby into this world knowing he could relapse again and I don’t want that for a child.. he still wants to try again and swears this was a one time thing, but now I just have so much anger and distrust, this has me questioning whether we should try again when all I want is a baby. Should I try to believe that this was a one time thing and show compassion?
Hi Melanie - I am so sorry for your loss. What a trauma for both of you. It is not surprising that your husband relapsed. The grief has to be substantial. My recommendation is always compassion and to encourage him to get back on track since, of course, this does not help. I also recommend that you seek counseling and also treatment for his addiction. You may also want to consider a grief group and an addiction support group for families. There are many such as Naranon, Smart Recovery and Lifering. I hope this helps.
Hi married a very good man loving caring but after 9 years of marriage he starting taking prescription drugs don't ask how he gets it I divorced him but we still very close the only problem we had was that he takes the pills like sweets, he can be clean for months then its just downhil again always loosing his job due to that I really want to help him but how cn I help in we do good together but I myself stuff from major depression and anxiety and I also go to that deep depression when he relapse how cn I help him how cn I help us .
HI Tania - I'm so sorry to hear of your struggle and that of your husband. The best way that you can help him is to help yourself. Get involved in your own recovery program. Please trust me, that it will help. It's going to help you to understand how to change your own behavior, which is the only thing you CAN control in this situation.
My husband has just relapsed. I found the evidence and lost it. I confronted him and chewed him up one side and down the other. We have been riding this train for years and I'm just fed up. I feel like he uses relapse as a free pass. I'm harboring a lot of anger and resentment. Now that I'm calmed down some and doing some research is there a way for me to understand this relapse element? Right now I feel like its just an excuse.
Hi Darcy - It's so hard to answer because I don't know you or your husband, but in general it's about changing patterns of behavior and recognizing that the only person you can change is you. Unfortunately, relapse is a part of the process of recovery, otherwise it wouldn't be addiction. But it shouldn't be a free pass. Try changing the way you respond to him and set a boundary that you are willing to follow through with should he relapse again. The truth is that some people just don't want to stop and you can't make him want to stop, unless of course there are consequences to him continuing to drink. Has he experienced any consequences other than you chewing him up and down?
Yes, it's unfortunate that many people contribute in ways that they are completely unaware. Yet, we can't change others we can only change ourselves. That's where our power resides. Sending you positive vibes and hope you have a good day.
@@DRKJFOSTER My ex and I knew each other since high school and always had a crush and we hung out a few times as a years past and becoming adults I got a good job in New York and she got her job but things just didn’t work out then unfortunately I slipped into an addiction and she saw that over the local media I guess you could say and got in touch with me and as well I went to a Christian rehab for my first time ever in any kind of program she was there for me every day so when I came home I loved her to death for doing that for me and we had A unbelievable relationship besides this problem there wasn’t ever one argument and she admitted to this day that she was treated like an absolute princess I just love to make her happy but she would always wake her finger at me saying I know you’re doing something and one day she had enough and she just left now that was my MO I had a secret love affair back in the day with drugs and that’s what I did this time I sneak around throughout the three years that we were together and Deb and Deb just letting her say that and go when you’re not the other and it really happened and I don’t know if I deserve it to be this stern and block me like this
God I don't wanna die at an early age plz give me a chance I will never touch it again I give you my word bro. I accomplished so many goals but this drug addiction is sabotaging my ambitions😞 I'm in that frequency between dead n alive
He came home from rehab supposedly 33 days sober and immediately poured a drink and has drank since. Total bullshit. Wasted hope. He might as well blow it out. Idc anymore.
@@DRKJFOSTER thank you for your kind words. I’m not seeking any help. Counselors just make me feel worse and leave me more chaotic than I already am. I’ve learned to just live in my lane and stop believing in fantasies. I was born to love but not to be loved. It’s all good. Whatever is broken in me is too late to fix and frankly I don’t give a damn anymore. But I do appreciate your reply.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Sonja. I can appreciate your perspective, but I do disagree. I'm wondering if you have ever experienced addiction yourself? Because when you are addicted, you are in an abusive relationship with yourself and you know that what you're doing is bad for you, hurting your loved ones, and causing various other damage (even if it doesn't outwardly appear so), but you are unable to stop. This creates tremendous suffering. Suffering being different than pain. Suffering is caused by what we think about what is happening, not what is happening itself. It's the dialogue within our own minds that no-one can see! It's our thoughts about what is happening. No matter how much you drink or drug and numb your feelings, you are still left with your thinking (at least when you're conscious) and it can be and often is tormenting, which then creates the continuation of the vicious cycle of addiction. I hope that helps to better understand that the person who is addicted is, in fact, suffering, much more than loved ones understand or realize. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it is not happening or it's not being experienced. Again, I appreciate you sharing your experience and providing me the opportunity to share further clarification.
Speaking from experience, we are definitely suffering. If you have never experienced addiction you can’t even comprehend how hard it is to put forth so much effort only to eventually relapse and feel like a complete failure and feel that you are only proving an ignorant, inexperienced person right… not saying that to be harsh.
@@DRKJFOSTER What about OUR suffering? What is the alcoholic doing for us? We suffer in silence with no reprieve. We don't have any way to release our pain yet we are supposed to stay continually supportive and if we don't respond kindly then we are basically responsible for the relapse or how the relapse goes? NO.
What has been your experience with relapse? Share your experience and help others who may be struggling.
I needed this so bad. After my double didget relapse my group ostracized me and refused to help me. But 1 month today . Weaning off at first. Pot and anti depressants do not go very well. Bob
Whenever I relapse it’s because things in my life aren’t going too well and I’m not proud of myself. I eventually end up using because of my depression. The hardest part is that my loved ones don’t understand and if i was honest they’d all look at me like a piece of shit failure. I seriously wish I could have an honest talk without being ostracized. It sucks having to do it completely on my own
My gf is a heroin addict and has been clean for ages but still on methadone and lapsed yesterday a one time use lapse and now she's crying feeling guilty and.jatomg herself wishing she'd never ever done it, 😥 I love her and told her it's ok it's a blip and we can move on from it but the guilt is taking over her xx
Thank you for your video. I do agree with your compassionate response advice to a loved one with a relapse. However, when you’ve been compassionate over and over, the patience tends to wear a little thin. And if the person who is relapsing is your partner, I have to admit, you do start thinking about your own welfare and realise you need to give some consideration to that too. You want your partner to get through the relapse, you will do anything to be there for them, to listen, to encourage, to motivate, to support, to show love and patience. Sadly, there are consequences to this endless cycle - your own mental health. As a partner of an addict, you become low, tired, frustrated. You are trying to balance work, commitments, healthy living, family AND support and love for your partner. The first relapse you can cope with reasonably well; you’ve read the literature, watched the help videos, attended the sessions, changed or adjusted anything and everything to help make a safe, supportive and loving environment for your partner and you. The second, third and fourth relapses become progressively more challenging - I have to be honest. As I write this I’m very aware of how selfish I am sounding. But believe me when I say that I’m running out of energy. I’ve concerned myself so much with helping my partners recovery, that my eggshell walking is getting a little weary. I’m not getting any younger either. I just want a peaceful existence, even if it means leaving her. I feel awful saying this. But it’s the truth. And yes I’ve told her all this and to be fair she has totally understood where I am with this. But I still feel guilty. My heart goes out to all people suffering with addiction and relapsing. My heart equally goes out to loved ones of those addicts. It’s not fun.
@@antonymorris8995This is late, hope you’re both doing well, but just in case - need to develop more self compassion and forgiveness
100% agree with the relapse statement. If you never relapsed then you never had trouble stopping which to me is what addiction is.
💯
I was a bad drinker and I stopped because my side hurt every day after I had a drink. I'm 12 years sober now, and my fear of killing myself keeps me from touching alcohol ever again. Call me an addict or not, self preservation made me quit.
Thank you!! I needed to hear this tonight. My loved one had a relapse tonight and myself and my family are just gutted, deflated, exhausted and just disappointed. My love for them will never leave. This addiction will only be conquered by our love and support but there are cracks in our foundation and are we struggling to keep this building from leaning.
Sorry to hear about your loved one and their relapse. You sound like you are doing all that you can, especially by getting your own education and learning. Sending you and your family prayers for healing 🙏
@@DRKJFOSTER Thank you for responding!!! I showed this video to my family as well to help us get through this. Thank you for posting this!!
@@thundertyrant hi there iam currently in recovery from cocaine addiction I relapsed this week an I feel horrible. I went missing on Christmas Day the police found me just in time hanging from a tree I’m finding it hard really hard I let myself down an my family. I start my rehabilitation meetings. Aye just realised that relapse is part of my journey to recovery. Don’t loose faith in your loved one they will fight the addiction. I hope one day to be able to help others in recovery that my goal. Love from Scotland 🏴
@@weeman8911 thank you for posting on here. I'm sorry you relapsed. But you are right it is part of the journey. I always had the big misconception that recovery was a straight line but it's far from it. I'm glad you're back on track to clean and clear living. It truly is the way!! As a guardian / Unk of the loved one that relapsed it was heart breaking at every level. I root for him everyday to choose life it's that simple!! I hope you do the same my friend. The world needs you here more than you'll ever know!! Much Love from New Orleans ⚜️
Having had a Lapse after 1 Year ; I can completely agree with this , luckily back on Track and now 4 Months +. There is no impossible journey only the one you never begin there is always another way ..
Hi Sunny - Thanks for sharing your experience. Glad to hear you're back on track!
Congratulations.
This is a great explanation. I made it almost 80 days then had a lapse 1mth now I’m on day 2 sobriety. This is so difficult I hate a relapse. My wife busted me out I had so much shame but thank god she is still here and she isn’t giving up on me yet
Glad you found it helpful and especially glad to know you're back on track and your wife is still supporting you!
@@DRKJFOSTER I’m off track again
@@willm3742 don't choose it. Refuse it.
Probably one of the most concise speakers on the subject. Very clear. I’m very grateful for your work.
Hi Deann! Thank you so much for the kind words and I apologize for the late response. Glad to know you are enjoying the videos. I hope you have a great day!
Thank you, I needed this advice badly. The love of my life struggles with addiction and I've never experienced having to deal with someone like that in a romantic aspect, anyway, so when we first initially got together I reacted in a very unhelpful way I wanna say all of the times it happened and I didn't realize that. I just knew I was hurt and reacted the same way when I was a child trying to beg my dad to stop. I definitely have trauma, but am getting help. But since then me and my love have broken up a couple times and come back together currently and I've grown/evolved as a person and am definitely seeking out what to do in these cases because I had no idea. Thank you for this. I hope you and your son are thriving to this day. And I hope the outcome with my love is a good one 🙏🏻
I'm glad to know you found it helpful. My son and I are both thriving and I hope for the same for you and your love.
Thanks for ALL your encouragement 😍
Thank YOU for all your support and encouragement 🥰
I’m so grateful I found this youtube channel. Thank you so much for posting videos about this topic.
I definitely relate to the self-criticism after a lapse.
Ir's very common. Please practice being gentle and compassionate toward yourself. When we are truly able to love ourselves unconditionally, the desire to be good to ourselves and our bodies is much easier ❤️🙏
My spouse is leaving me because I had a lapse and lied to her about. She felt 'gaslighted' once again and has had enough. Has anyone NOT lied to their loved one about having a lapse?
I have asked this question at recovery meetings and so far, nobody has heard of anyone not lying. What about people here? Have anyone heard of someone who lapsed and did not lie about it?
Thank you for this video! I wish my wife would accept this video.
Hi Arnie - Yes, everyone lies when they are in active addiction and will generally lie about a relapse. It comes with the territory. It's very hard for family members to understand. I'm sorry to hear what you're going through but I do hope this will not keep you from moving forward with your recovery.
@@DRKJFOSTER Thank you for that validation. I finally have it in my brain that my recovery IS the most important thing in my life...for life! There is never a good reason to lapse, relapse, slip or use. Nothing good can come of it.
It is very hard to stay with a spouse with an addiction. It’s exhausting. It’s scary. You never know who you’re going to come home to. There’s support groups like al anon and how everyone is exhausted and scared. She deserves to focus on herself and her mental health. Everyone heals differently. Being lied to is not fun even though it’s normal to lie for some people.
@@rillapospieszalski3819 Thank you for your reply. It seems like there is a fundamental irreconcilable difference between al-anon and other 12 step programs in that my 12-step program suggests that we live in today, not forgetting the past but not stuck in it, and not living/worrying in the future either. Al-anon goers seem to be more focused on the past and the future and not living in the present. I am sure that is not true for all al-anoners, but is certainly true for the one theat lives in my house. I'm sure it is exhausting to live everywhere but the present. I've heard it referred to as "time-tripping".
I have and my family take their love away from me. I have no support nor love and Im hurting so badly
Wow, this was so helpful! The lapse vs relapse viewpoint really makes the idea of getting back on track quickly seem much more doable. This is your first video I've ever seen & I'm looking forward to more, thank you! 🙏👍❤
Glad it was helpful!
Hello to anyone suffering from or who have family members who suffer from addiction. My dad just relapsed for the 3rd time. It’s honestly normal at this point it sucks when something shitty happeneds to someone and they resort to street drugs and then it’s so hard for there loved ones to see them like this.
It’s hard to love a person when they turn into someone totally different on that sh1t
Thank you so much dr for your crucial information, my roommate and my sister have been relapsing quite a few times the past 6 months and I feel as though my reactions haven’t been the most supportive. This has helped tremendously and I’m going to be a lot more conscious of my words
I'm so glad you found it helpful for you and your loved ones🥰
Great points in this video. Just heard the interview with Colin as well. Really appreciate hearing some of these perspectives. It really helps me sort of understand how an addict mind works. Thanks for sharing. Just subbed!
Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for watching.
I relapsed after 6 years 7 months sober. I only drank for 13 days. I am now six months sober. It has been really hard. I have been in AA the whole time as well as my wife. When I relapsed the people from AA shamed me and my wife left because her sponsor told her to. Having a hard time. Really sucks how people in AA treat relapse.
I'm sorry to hear you were treated that way. It's not right.
Please find a new AA group. They should be nothing but supportive at all times
My husband has had his 3rd relapse in 18 months. At what point does being compassionate and kind become enabling? I feel he keeps relapsing because he has no consequences at home. He knows i will not leave him no matter how many relapses. Im tired of the abuse. Im tired of playing detective. Im just so tired
You can set boundaries with compassion.
@@DRKJFOSTER how
@@DRKJFOSTER how
@DRKJFOSTER how?
My husband has relasped one time after 6 mos being sober. I stand by him and support his recovery but how do you rebuild that trust?
Hi Adrie - Glad to hear your husband is back on track. The answer is "slowly" It's going to take time. Try to be patient and compassionate with yourself and with him. Sending you positive vibes and here rooting for you both 🙌🙏💗
Thank you 🙏 my husband committed to quitting alcohol and getting treatment today and I’ve been wondering how to be supportive while still holding him accountable if he has a lapse. I got clean from heroin 10 years ago so I know lapses happen. This was helpful.
Congratulations and glad you found it helpful
What was the help or place you went too.... To get sober from your habit 10 years ago... I have a loved one currently using and can't see how it makes them act while on..... They nod off or get stuck no movement
@@sirmoney2762 I just went to a crappy one for poor people near my house but it didn’t work. I finally just did it on my own after finding Jesus. I stayed at my moms house and she helped me get through it and I did a bunch of prayer and meditation every day and started turning into a major health nut. I quit talking to every single person in my life that used. I threw out my phone so I didn’t even have anyones number. My mom lives on acreage so I started gardening as my therapy. Every time I got a craving I’d think about the withdrawals instead of the good feeling so I started to associate drugs with misery. I also didn’t have a car so I was stuck in a rural area with no way to go anywhere. Doing it on your own might not work for most people and you can encourage people to quit but it’s difficult to make someone quit, actually impossible. They have to really want it for themselves.
Thank you for the tips. I am hopeful that this will definitely help in helping my dad as he have relapsed ( alcohol)after 7 years. Really needed this as my family is going through a tough period right now😑😑
Glad you found it helpful. I apologize for the late reply.
Thank you for the tips. My love jst went on a 4 day binge and I reacted in the way that you just said NOT TO. I also said encouraging things. It was a long 4 days. Im going to do better.
Oh no, Tara. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's a really painful situation, especially if it's happened over and over. At least you were able to get to the encouraging part. Be good to yourself 💜🙏🌺
My loved one just relapsed and what I'm wondering, is how can I find the streght to be supportive and give them hope, when I feel hopeless myself? And I don't want to make it about myself, but at the same time this is happening to me too. And I also feel very helpless in the sense, that I can't stop them from using, all I can do is just to accept it or leave. And don't really want to either of those things.
Sorry, I am just seeing this comment for some reason. You need your own support, whether that's a support group or an individual counselor. There is strength in the support of others!
I sometimes feel like my compassion gets takes advantage of. Almost like he thinks because I am understanding then he knows he can always get away with the relapses. I know positive motivation and support is the most encouraging but how do I stop him from using it a his millionth “second chance”. He knows I will always be here.
You bring up a very important point, because there are many people who will play upon your emotions and manipulate your compassion. I think the fact that he knows you "will always be there" is where the problem exists. I don't know your specific situation, whether you are talking about a spouse or a child, but either way, what does "will always be there" mean and what does it look like?
I came here looking for ways to talk to my Father about his lapse.
The reason he stopped was that he got diagnosed with liver cirrhosis and was told he may need a transplant.
He had around 2- 2½ months and then had a few lapses in between.
I am an only child, my mom has passed away... We have only each other and he has a lot of guilt and shame around it.
He hasn't yet revealed to his friends about all of this. I wish he would...
Except me, I only know 1 other person in our family circle that will respond with understanding and empathy. I just feel desperate tbh, I had a very hard time when he was in the hospital, I am still kinda young and have a chronic illness myself. I just don't want my father's health to get worse.
I'm so sorry to hear about your father and the pain and suffering you have been experiencing. All you can control is how you respond. You can educate your family circle, but how they respond is out of your control. I pray that your father will be able to get back on track 🙏
29 days without taking prescription medications feeling good but it comes and goes
Congratulations, that's awesome!!
This is so very true, unfortunately, my family think yelling, judging and shaming is how you treat someone who has lapsed/relapse.... I had a lapse after a good amount of time being sober and the way I was treated by family, was appalling. Thank you for this video....
So ive been clean for 8 years now, we got clean together and now have a 3 year old baby. What do you do if they full blown DENY that theyve relapsed, even though its completely obvious and theres complete proof ? My boyfriend relapsed again and is denying that hes using even though hes been nodding off for almsot a week, face first on the floor, locked in the bathroom screaming and high for like 7-9 hours, huge swolen bloody track marks, not showering, he didnt pay his half of bills this month and geta defensive and insults me when i bring it up that i do NOT have an extra $600 to pay his half, extremely abusive verbally and physically, leaving needles around, not showing up for ANY of his responsibilities... What do you do then? I cant support him and even talk to him about it to try to make a plan/ figure out how this happened and how he can get back on track, if he wont even admit hes using.
That’s really rough. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, with baby in tow. Have you talked to anyone else about what is happening? It seems like he thinks he can lie his way around it- which is why I wonder if anybody else knows what you’re going through. I think since you have a toddler and he is using in the house, you probably need to leave or tell him to leave for the time being while you figure it out. It’s not safe to have that level of unpredictability with a child around. There’s no way for you to guarantee their safety in your home if your partner is using or under the influence in that environment. That doesn’t mean that there’s no path forward with your partner, or that he’s a bad person. I’m sure your partner will understand that you love him but cannot allow this around the baby. He will have to accept that and reel this in, or not. You can’t control that… but, your role as a mother and everything that comes with it, comes first. 🙏
I'm sorry for the delayed response. I'm just seeing this now on in my feed. I'm sorry for what you are going through. It's so painful, I know, I've been there. I hope that you've been able to get some support since you posted this because that is what you need. You need other people's strength to keep you going and help you to make decisions that are going to be the best for you. There are several options on line for family members if you can't find anything locally. I hope things have improved since you posted this.
Addiction is not a disease addiction is a choice yes I'm a recovering addict myself and when you recognize that it's all a choice your relapse addiction. We will finally move away from the repetitious and lies that people have instilled in you about relapse and addiction! I have been clean and sober for well over 15 years. I don't give a rat ass if somebody lays another kilo in front of me I have made a choice in my life never to take that never to do it I will not have any temptation to do it. It has came across me several times before still nothing. So instill your worth into yourself and enjoy your life instead of being controlled
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Tyler. Appreciate your input and congrats on 15 years of successful recovery!
my G.F. has been battling addiction for the entire 12 years weve been together,i'm a really patient person...but i fear she will never recover..i do get mad at her,but have always been fair and reasonable..I ask her if I was fair and reasonable after our discussions (rarely an argument)and she agrees...i completely understand there is no helping someone who doesnt want it...were not married but i always go to the line ' in sickness and in health '...but i'm not sure how much more i can take..i do let her know that her addiction is hard on me ,but i ask her what she wants ,and how she feels,she does get help but just keeps relapsing...may god help her...i dont know what to do...i believe this will be a last attempt,but i'll seek professional help today..
I'm sorry to hear about our gf and for both of your suffering. I am glad to hear you are seeking professional help. That is a step in the right direction.
Thank you so much for this video ,it has been of so much help
You're welcome! I'm so glad to know it was helpful to you ☺
My bf would go for a month sober. And then he would disappear for a day or 2 (we live in different countries). It would make me worried sick,he would relapse (meth) and would be a complete mess,and quite frankly mean. And I am truly trying my best to be there and to support him. He would go fine for a month or even 2. And it's killing me seeing him suffer.
And I am so scared of cutting him off because he is refusing to get help.
Can anyone tell me what would be the best for me to do. I wanna be there foe him I truly do. But I don't k ow how much longer ai can deal with this.
Hi there - I can appreciate how painful this experience is for you and I can tell that you understand that your friend is suffering and not doing this to hurt you. I would recommend that you do what is in the best interest of your own health and wellbeing. You can tell your friend that you love him and that it is too painful for you to watch him doing this to himself and that you are available to help him if he is willing to get help, but until then you have to take care of yourself because it hurts to see him doing this to himself. The compassionate approach is always the answer. Compassion for yourself and your own suffering. Start with compassion for yourself.
@@DRKJFOSTER thank you. He is finally feeling better. And we had small chat this morning. I told him he has nothing to be ashamed of it's all part of a journey. And that I am here whenever and foe whatever but that he needs ro consider getting professional help again. He said he is to exhausted to talk,and that he is to ashamed. And that we will talk about everything tomorrow. Worst part is we are more then friends. And I had no idea he had this problem before we got in some sort of relationship. He is relapsing more and more. Now it's at least once a month if not more (when he is hiding it from me).
Thank you for this. Much needed 💟
Glad you found it helpful!
My husband can go long periods of time without pills but then he just wants to take them....he likes how they make him feel...I suspect that right after he passes a drug test...he pops one.. I am disgusted and do not want to be supportive....I have heard I’m sorry far to many times and I’m tired of always wondering...is he or isn’t he?
I crave stability
Hi Polk Princess - Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sure many will identify with how you feel.
Really good points in the video, but so so very difficult to do. My husband seems to cycle with alcohol about every couple of weeks. He'll go sober for a little bit and then it's like he just decides he wants to drink and isn't even making any effort to not drink. It is really hard to think that he is trying when he doesn't go to his meetings, doesn't call his sponsor, and lies about it. I am so disgusted and sick of it. I love the person he can be when he is sober but I really can't stand the person he is when he is drunk. He is never violent or aggressive and just spends most of his time in bed. I have had to go to so many things that we had planned to go together on my own, and have had to turn down invitations to things that I wanted to do. I totally get that my yelling at him and shaming him is not helpful. What is said in the video is so right. But it feels like it is impossible to do when you are feeling so hurt and so angry and so disappointed. I would leave the drunk spouse in a heartbeat but I feel trapped because then I would also be leaving the sober spouse. And we are pretty terrific when he is sober. It's like living with two people and you never know which person it is going to be. Planning is impossible. He is making my life miserable, so I find it so hard to respond compassionately.
My partner had a lapse last night after 4 weeks sober. He's in texas and im in California and i got back from visiting him on monday. He re/lapsed a day after I left. He's so far away and im so scared idk what to do. I feel like hes going to keep taking advantage of my compassion and love for him. But im so scared of losing him to his addiction for good
Hi Max. I'm so sorry to hear your partner relapsed and sorry for this late reply. I'm just seeing your comment now. Being the loved one of someone using is so painful. I do believe that you can be compassionate and still have boundaries. I recommend you participate in some kind of support group to help you better navigate this experience.
What about when the loved one was 99 days sober and just got out of 30 days treatment and then relapsed? What should I do? And how should I react? Is letting them stay under my room enabling? What kind of consequences should be made? I really Need some advice here :(
Also I have been with this loved one for 6 years and this is the 3rd time in rehab… I am not sure what to do. I was very respectful and let them know I was leaving for a few hours because I didn’t want to leave and set my boundary telling them I didn’t like being lied to when I asked multiple times if they used (found out they did after they said no straight to my face) (respectfully asked)
It is really difficult to give advice without more context and history. My best advice to you would be a mutual-aid group like Alanon or Smart Recovery and/or counseling. Also, try to be compassionate. As long as your loved one is willing to re-engage in recovery and move forward, I would be supportive. If they are still using and not willing to engage in a recovery program, I would not do anything to help or enable them until they are willing to commit to recovery. Wishing you and your loved one success 🙏
Thank you this really helped so much
Si glad you found it helpful ☺
Thank you so much its a big help to me n fam.
Glad you found it helpful.
I'm worried about my partner.
We are both in recovery and her behavior is odd lately.
Either indicative of mental health issue or relapse.
I know all the ways we try to hide this stuff and it is all so sketchy to me.
Is just don't know how to broach it without injuring our relationship too much.
Hi Matt - This is such a difficult aspect of recovery because we want to help and sometimes in trying to help we can make things worse, especially if we accuse our loved ones of relapse and we're wrong. I recommend coming from a place of overall concern. There is nothing wrong with telling someone you're worried about them because of xyz (insert specific behavior of concern) and being sure to express love for them. They still might get upset but you are approaching them with love and not anger or frustration. I hope that makes sense and I apologize for the delayed response. I'm not always good about getting to my comments.
How do you react when you see your loved one(22yr old son) has now started drinking now smoking pot saying at least he's not doing coke.....after 3mos sober of all
I have experienced this with my son. I express concern. I talk about the likelihood this has to lead him right back to coke because it is changing the way he thinks. That I'm worried for his health and wellbeing and then... I take care of myself and surround myself with support. Unfortunately, he is going to need to find out for himself whether this will lead him back to coke or not. Sending you prayers 🙏
I feel so trapped I’m also addicted to weed and Xanax with your videos I was able to get off the weed but the environment I work at is so hard for me me to stay focus cause people often offer me things and sometime give them to me for free I been saying no lately thank God but as an addict i fee like I wouldn’t be able to resist any longer now I have a wife and a son that depend on me I can’t quit my job cause I’m the head of house hold. This feels awful like I’m stuck in a loop I can’t get out.
I'm sorry to hear of your struggle, Oliver, but you are not alone. Many people work in environments that make it very difficult to stay on track. I would suggest getting involved in a recovery support group to give you more strength and if you are already involved in a program, then be sure to lean on them for support. Hang in there and keep moving forward, it will be worth it.
I just relapsed. I managed years sober without gambling, opid. It was a little íbufan, and strong pain killers. I was at a slot machine. I feel awful.
4 years.
Hi, hoping for some advice.. my husband just relapsed on meth after 8 months clean. We just lost our daughter through stillbirth two months ago, he had only decided to get clean two months before we found out I was pregnant. So I knew relapse was a possibility but was praying it wouldn’t happen. I called him out after I saw the signs and he swore it was a one time thing and he didn’t have anymore. Then 4 days later I had to call him out on it again. He apologized for lying and said he flushed the rest. My trust is completely gone once again as this has gone on for 8 years. I know it’s a slow process of regaining the trust but it’s harder this time because we were both wanting to try to become pregnant again soon. I’m terrified to bring a baby into this world knowing he could relapse again and I don’t want that for a child.. he still wants to try again and swears this was a one time thing, but now I just have so much anger and distrust, this has me questioning whether we should try again when all I want is a baby. Should I try to believe that this was a one time thing and show compassion?
Hi Melanie - I am so sorry for your loss. What a trauma for both of you. It is not surprising that your husband relapsed. The grief has to be substantial. My recommendation is always compassion and to encourage him to get back on track since, of course, this does not help. I also recommend that you seek counseling and also treatment for his addiction. You may also want to consider a grief group and an addiction support group for families. There are many such as Naranon, Smart Recovery and Lifering. I hope this helps.
Hi married a very good man loving caring but after 9 years of marriage he starting taking prescription drugs don't ask how he gets it I divorced him but we still very close the only problem we had was that he takes the pills like sweets, he can be clean for months then its just downhil again always loosing his job due to that I really want to help him but how cn I help in we do good together but I myself stuff from major depression and anxiety and I also go to that deep depression when he relapse how cn I help him how cn I help us .
HI Tania - I'm so sorry to hear of your struggle and that of your husband. The best way that you can help him is to help yourself. Get involved in your own recovery program. Please trust me, that it will help. It's going to help you to understand how to change your own behavior, which is the only thing you CAN control in this situation.
My husband has just relapsed. I found the evidence and lost it. I confronted him and chewed him up one side and down the other. We have been riding this train for years and I'm just fed up. I feel like he uses relapse as a free pass. I'm harboring a lot of anger and resentment. Now that I'm calmed down some and doing some research is there a way for me to understand this relapse element? Right now I feel like its just an excuse.
Hi Darcy - It's so hard to answer because I don't know you or your husband, but in general it's about changing patterns of behavior and recognizing that the only person you can change is you. Unfortunately, relapse is a part of the process of recovery, otherwise it wouldn't be addiction. But it shouldn't be a free pass. Try changing the way you respond to him and set a boundary that you are willing to follow through with should he relapse again. The truth is that some people just don't want to stop and you can't make him want to stop, unless of course there are consequences to him continuing to drink. Has he experienced any consequences other than you chewing him up and down?
I wish my x would read this
Yes, it's unfortunate that many people contribute in ways that they are completely unaware. Yet, we can't change others we can only change ourselves. That's where our power resides. Sending you positive vibes and hope you have a good day.
@@DRKJFOSTER My ex and I knew each other since high school and always had a crush and we hung out a few times as a years past and becoming adults I got a good job in New York and she got her job but things just didn’t work out then unfortunately I slipped into an addiction and she saw that over the local media I guess you could say and got in touch with me and as well I went to a Christian rehab for my first time ever in any kind of program she was there for me every day so when I came home I loved her to death for doing that for me and we had A unbelievable relationship besides this problem there wasn’t ever one argument and she admitted to this day that she was treated like an absolute princess I just love to make her happy but she would always wake her finger at me saying I know you’re doing something and one day she had enough and she just left now that was my MO I had a secret love affair back in the day with drugs and that’s what I did this time I sneak around throughout the three years that we were together and Deb and Deb just letting her say that and go when you’re not the other and it really happened and I don’t know if I deserve it to be this stern and block me like this
God I don't wanna die at an early age plz give me a chance I will never touch it again I give you my word bro. I accomplished so many goals but this drug addiction is sabotaging my ambitions😞 I'm in that frequency between dead n alive
I'm so sorry to hear of your suffering. I pray you are able to recover.
He came home from rehab supposedly 33 days sober and immediately poured a drink and has drank since. Total bullshit. Wasted hope. He might as well blow it out. Idc anymore.
I'm so sorry Stephanie. I hope you are getting help for your own suffering in all of this.
@@DRKJFOSTER thank you for your kind words. I’m not seeking any help. Counselors just make me feel worse and leave me more chaotic than I already am. I’ve learned to just live in my lane and stop believing in fantasies. I was born to love but not to be loved. It’s all good. Whatever is broken in me is too late to fix and frankly I don’t give a damn anymore. But I do appreciate your reply.
Agree….😢
Groundhog day again arghhhhhhh...sick of it grrrrrrr!
Keep going. It will get better!
Maybe you should’ve taken yourself away from the donuts then if you’re not around the donuts, you can’t eat the donuts, can you.
Yes, of course.
🙏🏼💜☮️
Thanks, Karen 💟❣️🌈
They absolutley are NOT suffering the very fact that they are wasted is the act of avoiding suffering
Thanks for sharing your experience, Sonja. I can appreciate your perspective, but I do disagree. I'm wondering if you have ever experienced addiction yourself? Because when you are addicted, you are in an abusive relationship with yourself and you know that what you're doing is bad for you, hurting your loved ones, and causing various other damage (even if it doesn't outwardly appear so), but you are unable to stop. This creates tremendous suffering. Suffering being different than pain. Suffering is caused by what we think about what is happening, not what is happening itself. It's the dialogue within our own minds that no-one can see! It's our thoughts about what is happening. No matter how much you drink or drug and numb your feelings, you are still left with your thinking (at least when you're conscious) and it can be and often is tormenting, which then creates the continuation of the vicious cycle of addiction. I hope that helps to better understand that the person who is addicted is, in fact, suffering, much more than loved ones understand or realize. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it is not happening or it's not being experienced. Again, I appreciate you sharing your experience and providing me the opportunity to share further clarification.
Speaking from experience, we are definitely suffering. If you have never experienced addiction you can’t even comprehend how hard it is to put forth so much effort only to eventually relapse and feel like a complete failure and feel that you are only proving an ignorant, inexperienced person right… not saying that to be harsh.
@@DRKJFOSTER What about OUR suffering? What is the alcoholic doing for us?
We suffer in silence with no reprieve. We don't have any way to release our pain yet we are supposed to stay continually supportive and if we don't respond kindly then we are basically responsible for the relapse or how the relapse goes? NO.
Very annoying. Get to the point.
lol.... getting better at that.
We love you and we want to help you.....he got drunk 1h later.Nalltrexone is the answer but we don't like it.
Naltrexone has been very successful with many.
thank you @@DRKJFOSTER you reply means a lot .