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What Do You Do When There Are Multiple Relapses?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 12 ธ.ค. 2018
- Samuel answers a viewers question on what to do when there are multiple relapses.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
So much truth in this. Be very aware that an unfaithful who does not commit to a new way of being, own all of their behaviour, and commit to YOU all over again, they absolutely will relapse. Will alone is nothing but a fairytale. If they won’t get help they are NOT help-able. If they are not the driver of recovery, no recovery is possible, even if they seem to ‘participate’. It’s not enough.
Very well said ❤
My husband gets comfortable and starts down the path that leads him back to his affair partner. It's been a year since his affair came out and I've recently found him going back down the path. It's exhausting and I'm close to walking away. I can't hear I'm sorry one more time...it's meaningless
This is me. Just found out he never broke communication with her and further disclosures coming out every now and again. I don't understand how he can do that to me. I feel broken.
So true… too bad it takes or took me so long anyway, to grasp this!
I sympathize with you I really do whose backing forth stuff is not working for me. We tried it for a week and you went back to the fair apartment. It's going on 5 years in October.
I'm done with all this like you said, it drive you crazy.
I’ve been telling my husband this for years. His disrespect comes out in different forms including emotional affairs and getting attention from women, overspending, letting people talk terribly about me. I’m exhausted. All he wants to do is couple counseling and that was tough to get him to do. Getting him to do individual without involving me is feeling impossible.
"Until your willing to get rid of whatever made you vulnerable" So true! I would just add that action must follow willingness. "The heart is willing but the flesh is weak." So great to meet you this weekend Samuel at EMS. It was both life giving and life changing. So thankful for you and your team!
it was a pleasure to meet you. thank you for coming and being a part of it. i hope it was something that will encourage you for years to come.
Thank you for differentiating between relapses, lapses, and acting out. As a betrayed spouse I really appreciate the distinction.
Yeah there isn’t a significant distinction for the betrayed. The distinction is primarily applicable only for the betrayer.
There is no difference. It’s semantics and another form of gaslighting.
I want to encourage you sir. I want to acknowledge your truthfulness and hard work.
I feel so lost. Dday was july 8th, the day after they were intimate. And he refuses with all the excuses you've given to do counseling. Even when I send him these videos I get lashed out at. I don't feel safe, and have kept him at arms length since everything started changing last spring. I constantly question my decision to stay. And have back up plans if it happens again. I just don't know what to do.
Wow what an amazing video! I love the clarity you share and the clear vocabulary that goes along with it!!!
Oh man it's a good thing you don't see the outtakes and 'messups' hahahaha. thank you so much for the kind words my friend.
I feel so guilty and ashamed and undeserving gods favor after so many relapses into the same sin 😔😥😭😭😭
My husband feels that same every time as well. All I can say is that God LOVES you, He obviously hates the sin but He LOVES you always! Get some help controlling your impulses, put roadblocks in your way to delay yourself… ❤️
Samuel , you should probably stand as a brand ambassador for the word “Hope” . Thanks for doling it out so generously, sometimes that’s the only fragile thread to hang on to in a relationship that gets heavier than the titanic that sank . Cling on to it strong enough , and it may not sink at all . Hope inspires , to atleast give it a try - so thank you for being my Hope .
I'm so honored to hear you say such kind words. thank you for encouraging me my friend.
I agree, how are things now 2 years later?
Great video!
You are very good at this
The biggest challenge I have with relapse at the moment is that it caused my UH to give up hope of being able to ever successfully cutting off the affair. He's got to reach more of a rock bottom I feel now though to realise there is more tools and help out there than he had and if he wants to break free,he will need to humbly seek out the help from AR to do it.
Thank you this has been helpful. I am dealing with an affair of my husbands that lasted about 9 months and happened 4 years ago and then again with the same women about 2 years ago. Lasting for another 9 months to a year. It came to light about 8 months ago, and while we have been trying to recover and move forward, I most recently found my husband goes and looks at her social media accounts, from time to time. Almost keeping tabs, checking up on her and her life. I am worried about relapse. Since it has already happened. He says it helps him to heal to be able to see that she is moving on and doing ok..... and that he doesn’t want to go back. But I feel like his patterns haven’t seem to have shifted and this could mean further damage to everyone.
i'm so sorry aitche.
I'm so sorry this happened 😢 May I ask how are u doing now? I am going thru the same, for possibly the 3rd time!! I would love to know more if you're willing 🙏
Id love an update as well! I am 6 months separated and it sucks, and I want to cling to hope but my betrayed spouse is not willing to workout the marriage. Id like to know an update
This has gone on long enough and is too painful, exhausting and draining for you. This happened to me. I separated. He was unwilling to dig deep into his issues. I couldn’t trust that he’d be there fully for me again. In the process of divorce.
Dear Samuel, thank you for tackling such a difficult issue! I was watching it through my hands as yesss, this freaks out the BSes. I have a question though, and i know its a difficult one: as this video of yours was very theoretical, would you, and I respectfully ask: would you be willing to share some personal experiences (or bring someone who would share personal experiences) of how you handled, reacted to, deflected, overcome, combatted 'dangerous' situations? Both internal drives and external influences to stay on course? I would be so interested to know how does this happen on an everyday, practical level.
Thank you!
hi there. can you be a bit more specific or provide examples? i'm unclear as to what exactly you're asking for? i'm wide open in terms of helping as many people as I can, but wasn't sure what you meant on a bit more of a specific level.
AAAAAAAMEN from a betrayed. Thank you
Thank - you ! Needed to hear that. I cannot reconcile with my ex husband unless he accepts he needs help. He has not sought any counseling or therapy. He also does not have God in his life.
Relapse, who would go through that again. 😡
I hear/see A LOT more women willing to "go through it" again and again.....than men. i think while many of them do love their husbands, they have a tendency to be quite insecure and/or financially dependent/ are trying to keep up appearances for the sake of the family. I also feel that (and have seen from experience -via someone i'm close to) once the unfaithful knows they got away with it once (or twice), so to speak...they think they can "get away with it" again... Sad, but can be true in some cases.
I don’t judge anyone. I was a person who said I would NEVER stay with my husband if he cheated, but the truth is we never know what we’re going to do until it happens to us.
Just curious if there are any videos on betrayal with a family member ? Thank you .
Awesome video. Thank you. Unfortunately I confronted my spouses affair partner via phone after tracking our phone records. There's still no remorse. This was at the end of october, it's been going on for about a year. He claims she doesn't want to talk to him anymore, but I think it's still going on. Maybe there won't be any remorse because I outted him...he didn't break it off himself? I told him to leave but he won't. He hangs out late, and does whatever he wants.
often times if the unf is feeling or experiencing a deep shame, they will be more angry at you than themselves. they're sorry they got caught, not that they did what they did. they also will go through a detox phase where they are detoxing from the affair partner and they will usually, often times but certainly not always, display a great sense of anger towards their spouse as their spouse is the one who ruined the party/fantasy if you will. so it's very normal. remorse usually comes after expert help is sought and utilized as well.
Hi Samuel. I started watching your videos and I want to thank you for doing them. In December I found out my husband had an affair and was having emotional affairs also. My heart feels like it's broken into pieces and I feel like I'm worthless. My Husband seems to be sorry and he is willing to do anything he can to repair what he has caused, but how can a couple that's trying to save there marriage get help when it's so expensive. I just don't know what to do anymore. Any suggestions, I would really appreciate it.
That is exactly what happens to me, my H look for help but then he stopped, then he had a relapsed and he cheated on me again, he showed no remorse and even tell me that if he find someone else he will allow a relationship 🙄😒. I hope his new psychologist help him and that he actually continue with his sessions this time, but I won’t be allowing that behavior
There have been 3 different people in 3 years the first one she admitted to on her own the next to 2 I found out about on my own it's been about 5 months and no real discussion about anything even after seeing a counselor who really didn't do much good she seems to just want to sweep it under the rug and move on not quite sure what to do
happens all the time. i would encourage you to draw a boundary and stand up for yourself and let them know you're not going to sweep this under the rug and not going back to what once was. that after three affairs, there is obviously something going on in their heart and life and they have not been able to get a handle on it. i would put your put down and demand expert help my friend. these two articles will help in terms of asking, and then demanding them to get help: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change
Great video thank you. It’s been 4 weeks since the final disclosure and it’s been a crushing experience both physically & emotionally. He keeps saying he never wants to put our marriage at risk again & I’m the one and only etc etc. all good until I pulled out an email from 2 years ago stating the exact same thing after his betrayal that time. Difference this time is he’s getting therapy. But as he’s a master manipulator I’m fearful he’s saying to me & the therapist only what he thinks we want to hear. How can I be sure that he’s put mechanisms in place to ensure he’s not going to act out? I check his phone, computer & he’s no longer allowed on social media but those are relatively easy to circumvent & I hate being like a helicopter parent to him.
i would ask him to take this course called hope for healing on our website: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing ultimately, he has to want to get healthy and do whatever it takes to get healthy, stay healthy and walk it out. if you have to always monitor him or check up on him it's not safety and it's not initiative. for now, sure. it's normal, but like you said, long term it won't work. if he takes that course it will help him get the revelation that he has to want it and follow through. this is a great article on trust as well for both of you to read: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust there are always monitoring software for phones and computers as well and you can be set up as the accountability person to see and monitor what he is using and doing. just another idea. brainbuddy is a new one i've heard of that some of my friends and followers are using. covenant eyes as well.
It seems like your doing all the work to set your mind at ease. Meanwhile he should be doing that.
If you know he’s a manipulator how can you ever fully trust him with your heart?
****3:10**___beautifully said, AMEN!**
HEARING IT FROM YOU INSTEAD OF THEM IS COMFORTING TO ME THAT THAT'S ACTUALLY AN EXISTING HEALING OPTION
thanks for watching and posting KLB
This is the 4th time my fiance has cheated, second time resulting in a sexual affair. All different women. I understand now after he broke down and told me the extent of his porn and sex addiction after 12 years of being together, that had been going on long before he met me. He tells me how unhappy he has been with his own life, lack of fulfillment with himself personally and needed a distraction from it all, along with our disconnect. What do I do when he is willing and wants to change but refuses to seek professional help? He believes he can change his state of mind to recover but doesn't feel he needs a professional to help. He also will not allow me to see his text messages and emails. What do I do?
personally, if he is not open to professional help, and has cheated 4 times and you're not even married yet, i would end things. it's an enormous red flag that he would refuse professional help, when he's acted our four times and still holds on to the belief that he can change himself. three times has proven he cannot change himself so to think now things will be different is ambitious at best. i'm sorry to be so blunt, but he is NOT a safe person whatsoever as he's not bottomed out, white knuckling it, and refusing to get help.
How does the betrayed come to grips in a healthy way that the unfaithful spouse has been unfaithful in normal everyday life via work and sports recreation that we really cannot walk away from. The triggers are part of everyday routine for many years. Covid lock downs actually helped me not to be triggered because of no work etc. Now I struggle again. Because its all so normal..
So what do you call when they don't say they won't ever do it again or don't recovery help/work but they still see the affair partner even thought one time they did say they cut it off but it continued?
i'm not following. can you re post your question with a bit more clarity please? i don't think i understand what you're asking?
I call that someone who's lying and someone who doesn't want to change at all.
What if you have asked to see there texts and they refuse? How would you handle this. I feel like I am drowning.
i would then draw boundaries, consider separation and let him know that you're not going to live like this anymore and you're not going to let secrets be out there without the truth. i would then ask him to get expert help with you and perhaps even a lie detector to see what he's hiding. if he refuses, i think you need to ask yourself what consequences you're willing to enforce for him not cooperating. if you keep allowing him to do that and there are no consequences to do that, i'm confident he will not stop doing that
I'm going through that now with my wife of 21 years
Briefly mentioned in the video is burnout in relation to relapse, has this been unpacked in another video?
i don't know.....maybe, but I'm not exactly sure. it's a common thread though and maybe these articles will help in terms of relapse: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/healing-after-affair-relapse-prevention www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-unfaithful-relapse-why-cant-you-stop
What happened to me I know has not happened to anyone else. It is horrible.
Are you okay ?
Elaine, praying for you. Hope you can talk to someone
Elaine I am in the same boat as you. My story is absolutely horrific. More and more details keep emerging even after the EMS weekend. But I refuse to live in the victim mentality bc that is what will prevent me from living MY life.
Hi Samuel, my uf has turned down my requests to go for counselling as he is really not comfortable. However, over the last 12 mths after Dday he has demonstrated alot of efforts to restore our relationship assuring me w "safety". Other than counselling he is oso not exactly giving the "free" access to his phones or email unless i insist (i only did it twice in the beginning stage after Dday). He started attending church with me. He is more patient listening to my needs n feedback. I am not sure if this is a good sign? I am constantly reminding myself trust God that HE will turn all things around. Just wondering if u could advice how to improve our situation? Appreciate!
we always want to see progress...not perfection and it sounds like there is a lot of progress for sure. i'm so glad things are moving in the right direction. every situation is different so don't forget that. maybe he would start with the 7 day bootcamp found here: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp, it's free, not counseling, and pretty easy to do on your own. there are some concerns about not showing you his phone etc and not being willing to do counseling or something along those lines, but i would go very slow. i would not assume all is well and just move freely into everyday life. i would also consider what are your non negotiables in this like maybe counseling, maybe free access to his phone and social media, maybe this....maybe that....you have to trust the Lord for what those are and expert help as well. this article will help and explain more about trust: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust
Hi Samuel, its hard to convince him to go counselling as i realized that uf is actually a very private n quiet person. He is very uncomfortable talking to 3rd party on his inner feelings. I personally experienced it too n have to sometimes "pressure n force" him to speak his mind. i will try to persuade him on the 7 days bootcamp. As for the phone, he did try to intentionally show me the screen of his phone while using it to text n when i hinted about some incoming messages, he wud on purpose open one to show me the content...i see the gesture to provide safety.... but the phone is still password protected hence am still feeling unsafe. Am i overly sensitive? i didnt want to cross the line to ask for access :( Honestly, I'm at a loss on how i can get him to seek expert help as i am still not feeling safe yet. i cant force him as well. i shared with him the article on shocking truth about trust recently. He said that he wud read it. i find it very very helpful for my own healing. It speaks the truth on how i felt since Dday.. Are there anymore articles that u can share with me? For now i just continue to pray faithfully everyday and trust God to help us.
I don't think he's really showing you he's changing. What is he doing that is REALLY proving he's safe? Don't listen to words, only his actions. He won't go to counseling and hes not transparent about his phone. Just those two things alone are huge warning signs he's still in the addiction cycle, and is most likely still lying.
Also, God can't change someone who doesn't want to change. If he did, that would be force, and God isn't going to take away his agency. He can only help those who really want to change
Therapy or at minimum a structured recovery program is necessary in my opinion. I am 20+ years since d-day #1 and wasted 15+ years thinking/hoping that the exact same behavior changes in my husband may mean that he was in recovery. He was not. He repeatedly attempted to abstain but failed repeatedly every few months for the last 20 years. The expert help part can not be excluded in my opinion, it will only prolong your own anguish.
Are relapse normal? I keep having episode of them.. how do I heal completely? Cause I notice it's affects my health to😐😐 how do I completely recover? It happened 4months ago but feels like yesterday😐😐
wellll to say it's normal may seem like it's excusing it. it does happen....but it's not a guarantee....to heal completely you need 1. expert help 2. commitment to a process of healing. 3. a willingness to do whatever it takes to heal. 4. a timeline that's realistic that's set by experts not our own agenda or feelings or emotions.
Are relapses normal. It’s been four months and I’ve had one relapse by reaching out to the person I had the affair with.
I'd hesitate to say that any and all relapses are normal....but, it is normal somewhat to relapse. my mentor always taught me that relapse is about pride. it's about thinking 'i got this....i don't need to do recovery work, or be so aggressive on self care...i can let my guard down as I've got this....' and really, we don't. it's vital we have our recovery help and routines that we are committed to. without that, we'll almost always relapse. here is some help for you: www.affairrecovery.com/qa-relapse-inevitable www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/healing-after-affair-relapse-prevention www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-unfaithful-relapse-why-cant-you-stop
@@samshealingpodcast so would this be considered relapse or acting out.
I discovered my wife's affair, she sent a text "ending" the affair but kept up constant contact while watching me suffer so greatly. After another discovery a month later she "ended" it again but again kept contact. She says it's over now and she's willing to do the hope for healing and EMS online courses.
I just don't know how I can ever trust or respect someone who did that to me while having front row seats to my debut misery special.
@@johnsonjj117 im terribly sorry. yes, that would be a relapse and/or acting out for sure. i'm so sorry. i know it's awful, but the reason we act out can be very addictive and can be overpowering. it doesn't mean it's right or acceptable, but it's understandable. i would do the ems virtual intensive instead of the online course since there has been the relapse and specifics to your story. you can find it here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend you really want and need that professional expert involved my friend.
Sad
Sadly ... This doesn't change my mind ... Once a cheater always a cheater. Samuel you and other unfaithful's like you might be an exception but NOT the rule. I said it before and will say it again a cheater only care for themselves no matter what. They never want to do the heavy lifting and leave others mainly the betrayed to do the work.
This video has a few decent points but I would caution against blanket statements because they aren’t 100% solid. We live in a fallen world and all counsel apart from a biblical position will be lacking. One sinner being counseled by another sinner without biblical principles can be very helpful and well intentioned but will always fall short because the word of God cuts to the conscience and addresses sin at its root. Plus, Who knows the mind of man better than God? I think it’s wise to seek counsel but from a professional rooted in the Bible because it’s 0% possible for another person to know the mind of another.
Overall, good presentation
Samuel is a Christian rooted in God's Word.
Youll loose your whole world.