Never in a cult, but when my son said as a 5 year old "mum, when you jump on my head I don't have to live anymore" I knew it was time to plan my escape from an abusive marriage. So you're not the only one who had such severe thoughts at such a young age. I can happily say he's almost 20 now and is very happy with how his life turned out. 😊 Thank you for sharing your story.
I'm so glad you were able to make it through all of the battles and challenges that were set up in your life before you were even born. It's so refreshing to hear someone talk about their relationship with their mom in the way that you do because I can relate so much. Not loving her because I don't think I ever really knew her, while at the same time seeing her a person and a victim of circumstance and having empathy for that. Also the feeling sadness and longing for what you'll never have while not really missing her or the relationship. Amanda is right, you worded it all so beautifully! Thank you for sharing your story ❤
Omgosh Brenda, you are such a smart young lady. What you said about not ever meeting your mom. That’s so true and so incredibly insightful of you to say. You seem to understand her and her situation. I don’t know if she knows how to take accountability. Has she ever done such a thing? You don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing just how smart you are. I hope that you know that you matter in this life. You matter to us, now that we have met you on here. You matter to this friend group of Amanda Rae’s audience/friends and now your audience/friends too. I am a 59 year old grandma of six. I live in British Columbia, Canada. I have been married to my husband for 35 years and 7 months. He is my caregiver because I have a hereditary disease and I am in a wheelchair now. I too suffer from depression and I am on medication for it. I take a booklet of medication for my disease, so I understand being sick and tired of trying different medications. I could literally write a book about the medication I’ve been prescribed over my life so far. When you finally find the medication that works, it’s like striking gold, lol. Now you know a little about me. 🤗🇨🇦 Amanda Rae cares about you too, she cares about all the girls and the boys.
Hi, I’m from Amanda’s channel. Watching this whole video, one thing that struck me, you’re very emotionally intelligent. How you rationalized your punishments, how you insisted on going extra hard on yourself because you thought that was the only way to learn 🥺. And you’re so compassionate, choosing not to hate your mom, but seeing her as a victim, that does emphasize what you said, that you’re an understanding and forgiving person. The part about Rachel (sorry if I spelled wrong) was the most heartbreaking part of the whole video. You and her were really close, you trauma-bonded, and you had somebody that didn’t make you feel like you were all alone. I’m really sorry about what happened to her, and I don’t believe she wanted to unalive herself, I think it’s more that she felt there’s no other option. And I get that you were also very determined to unalive yourself as well, but I’m very thankful that you’re still here. It feels like so many things were happening as a sign that you shouldn’t do it. The fact that you bonded with your sisters over the loss of Rachel, which made you learn more about how people really felt about Daniel; the school friend (god bless her) that convinced you to not unalive yourself but instead try to escape; the fact that Escaping Polygamy was happening around that time, which further made you seek help; the way you heard Daniel speak about your deceased sister. I think all these things were Rachel talking to you in spirit, encouraging you to live and to honor her. I think she’s with you, and she didn’t want death for you, she wanted life because you lived when you were with her, not just surviving. The way you advocate for, and encourage therapy shows the kind of heart you have. You really care about peoples mental health. Thank you for sharing, I really enjoyed listening to your story 🙏🏾💛. I hope I didn’t rub you the wrong way, given that I’m a person of color, and the order kinda disapproves of people that look like me. You don’t strike me as somebody who thinks that way. Sorry If I sound rude
You did absolutely nothing wrong! Thank you so much for all of the kind words you've given me! As embarrassing as it is to admit it brought me to tears . Obviously I'm ok, but it's just so nice to hear people talk positively about Rachel and me. And even tho I'm not christian, I do believe that things can happen for a reason and I do believe Rachel's spirit has been with me and given me strength when I needed it most. Im also greatful to know that I came across the way I hoped. I know in the past I was really bad at communicating and speaking in a way that truly communicated my feelings. I know I'm not perfect and will always have room to improve, but I'm glad to have gotten where I am now. ❤❤❤💝💝💝
@@Snow_Crystal420 I’m glad you’re here. My friend died by suicide in 2018, at age 20. I was 21 and struggling with unresolved trauma that I didn’t even understand I had. When he left, I saw the impact it has on people you don’t even realize it will impact. He impacted me in several ways. We were the same personality just in different bodies. Around the end of fall to early winter is when I started to move past denial and it began to really dawn on me that he’s not coming back that first year. Now this time of year is a trigger and I hope it becomes easier as time goes on but when he died I told myself I’ll never put my family and friends through that. I told myself I’ll end life on a high note saying fuck you to depression. It can be hard to remember that sometimes but having a good support system is helpful beyond words. While I’d made that promise to myself, I hadn’t made the one to not self harm. I made a new friend this year and told him what I did, and he made me 1) not be by myself alone until the phase had passed and 2) made me give him the tool and 3) made me promise not to ever do it again. I love him for that. I also really hate that he made me promise it at times. But I know it’s for the best. The point is, I’m glad you’re still here, as I think you have a lot of wisdom and kindness and joy and respect to offer people, and can help them see the need for accountability as well. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I don’t even know how I ended up watching this, It started with me wondering what was going on with the Brown family and Sister Wives. I just want to say I’m so glad you’re still here, you’re such a well spoken woman, and you didn’t deserve any of that horrible childhood. I cannot imagine the fortitude and sometimes just plain luck, that got you through your past. You are an exceptional young woman, and I’m grateful you’re here to tell your story. Just, wow. I’m wishing you dreams that come true, knowing true love and happiness, and the ability to know you deserve those things as much as anyone ever did.
I experienced true depression for the first time when i was 9 so im used to feeling like I had early mental health struggles. I cannot imagine being suicidal at 5. They must have been so awful to you and you were just a baby. I'm glad you seem to have a good therapist and i wish you much peace and joy.
I found you ladies from CtC channel. I wasn't raised in a cult, but do feel like there's been a residual effect from how children often were raised without emotional love in the 1960s (and earlier), but had our needs provided and certainly weren't abused. It's a case of struggling from what we didn't get. Anyway, I want to offer looking in to Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN, Jonice Webb's work especially), and I just learned about Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy therapy (DNMS). I hope all good things for you both and all those who've fled The Order, FLDS, and LDS. Keep up the good work!
I didn't live in a cult situation like you two did, but went through a lot of nearly the exact same horrible things my entire child and teenhood, and it's very commendable and I'm very happy that you're here now and sharing your stories. Hearing you both talk reminded me of conversations I had with friends of mine about what had happened to us and trying to heal from it, and brought back fond memories of them. I hope you both are doing better now, and that life has gotten better, or at least freer.
Thanks for sharing your story and struggles. I was raised as a JW and I started to think about me wanting to die when I was 6.I am 66 and I can relate to your childhood so much and your feelings. I remember when I was 9 and I started hitting myself and banging my head against the wall.I haven't heard of anyone else being as young as I was when I started thinking of unliving myself. Thanks so much for making me feel not so alone. You are so articulate Iam so proud of you. I will definitely be following you. .
Bruh!!!! Obviously I'm really sorry you had to go through that, but I feel the same way! It's nice knowing I'm not so different for having those thoughts so you. No one should feel that way so young, but it's nice to relate to someone
Thank you for sharing your story and being open and honest. I think this will help and encourage others dealing with suicidal thoughts. You are strong and making a good life for yourself. So proud of you. Hugs!!! ❤
i had to think a little bit before I made my comment but you know I had to just how amazing I think you both are. You are so incredibly strong to come on here and share your story and I am truly amazed at well you seem to be doing!! Keep up the good work! Know that we are here for you and please reach out if you need anything Brenda!
Love you both for telling your stories. From the Baptist point of view. I was always taught that the 144000 is se t aside for the Jews at the last (white thrown) judgement.
I am so heartbroken for what you have had to go through. I appreciate you sharing your story in the hopes of helping others. I admire your strength and perseverance and wish you peace and happiness in your many years and adventures to come!
I said this on Amanda’s channel, but your perceptiveness is mind blowing 🖤 I know that came with a heavy cost but I had to compliment you on it because you gave me goosebumps with your awareness & insight.
thank you so much for sharing your story brenda! excited to get to know you more. what you said about you and alison growing up five feet away from each other and not know what was happening with each other is so true. ive had some conversations with my siblings as adults about things we went through as children and it is eye-opening how they completely missed some of the things i was going through, or i missed that they were struggling as well. thank you for sharing about rachel as well. im glad you two had one another to lean on and that you are able to keep her memory alive.
Brenda, you are so cool!! Your level of self-awareness and compassion for others is so touching. What are your favorite animes? I just finished Attack on Titan, and now we are flying through ReZero. My boyfriend and I take turns picking shows. He's seen so many, but I have only just gotten into the genre. It's my turn to pick this time. So if you have any recs please let me know!
Thank you for sharing, I’ll listen to what you decide to share on your yt. It takes so much integrity to wear a furry tail to required visits to see your family and stay true to yourself despite the pressure they put on you. Mad respect. If you created videos on your interests I’d watch those too. I love anime and am curious to know which ones you like and inspires you. My question is how did you discover it and grow to like it under such strict living conditions? At 12 yo Soul Eater changed me lmao
Omg thank you! Literally tho! I was always so anxious about my family seeing it, but i knew I'd feel more comfortable being myself and being judged than to pretend I'm someone else. Also I loved soul eater as a kid, im actually really watching it now lol. I'll be more than happy to answer this in more detail in my next q&a
Brenda, I cannot believe how much your voice sounds like Kollene Snow! I realize she is your half-sister, but gosh, Daniel’s gene’s are sure strong! I am a little confused though-is your last name also Snow? Even though you have different mothers ? Because from what I remember from Amanda’s channel and Escaping Polygamy, Shanelle, Val and Kollene are all Shirley’s children. (With Daniel, of course).
😂 yeah I sound a lot like my sister's lol. Also no, my name is Brenda Collins. Snow Crystal is just a name i came up with for my channel when I was 13. I wanted to post videos without the fear of my family being able to easily search me up
I as someone who had a relatively normal life I am in therapy. My daughter is 5, has a speech delay and was recently diagnosed with ADHD, SPD, a challenging temperament and a high IQ. She is now in play therapy, along speech therapy and Occupational therapy. I agree everyone needs therapy. My mom had a crappie childhood with parents who were addicts and a mom who OD'ed when she was 19. She never got help in part due to my dad who she was with starting at age 16, who is very anti mental health. It was this combined with a nearly life time smoking addiction that contributed to her heart stopping due to stress in the summer of 2023 and then again that September. It didn't start again the second time. Part of me blames my dad for her death because he never encouraged her to seek therapy to deal with her trauma even when they told her why her heart stopped the first time. She was a few months shy of 67 and had just spent the weekend watching my then 4 year old daughter. My little girl will never remember my mom because of the stigma against mental health therapy. I miss my mom like crazy and hate that she never got help for her trauma and part of me will always be mad at her for dieing.
I'm from Amanda's channel. When I did self harm it was skin picking and it hurt me to see it, I had to hide it. I didn't do it for attention, I was hurting and needed help! If, like in the order, I got that answer to me asking for help it would harm more than help.
Hello Brenda, I sincerely feel sorry that you had to endure so much abuse at the hands of the "community" you had no choice but to be a part of until you chose to create happiness for yourself and not let anyone take control of your destiny ever again. Since your mom and the 6th wife are sisters, I definitely see the strong resemblance between you, Allison, Jessica, and Andrea. Your anime look reminds me of Kollene's style back in the day on Escaping Polygamy (you and her almost look like twins. 😁). I'm happy you were able to forgive your mother because you saw her as a victim as you healed from your trauma. Unfortunately, she was a teenage child who was forced to bear children. Hurt people hurt people. It's sad that the rest of your full siblings see you and Allison as "sinners" for leaving. I believe their reaction stems from anger, insecurity, envy, and blind loyalty to "godly men" who see them as slaves who work for free and should be happy to be a slave to The Order. How did you and your family members get the bare necessities when the "community" refused to give you your paychecks? (I assume you had to "Bleed the Beast" for money). I find it hypocritical that the leaders hate the government and the "outside world" yet love taking their money and using the Utah government laws for their perversion to have their followers in line and the leaders in charge living like gods on Earth. Plus, having a few "outsiders" working in their businesses. THEY ARE NOT TRUE FOLLOWERS OF CHRIST. THEY WORSHIP THEMSELVES AND THEIR NARCISSISM. I do not blame you and some of the former members for not being Christians because of the damaging spiritual abuse that all of you had to endure under "your uncle" and the rest of the bitter old men running The Order. I also wondered for a long time how Daniel's 14 wives are related to one another and him. (I hope that Amanda does a video on it, too). All I know is that your mom and the sixth wife are siblings, and they and Shirley (the 7th wife) are unrelated to Daniel. Plus, one of Daniel's later wives is Shirley's cousin. Who was Rachel's mother in Daniel's harem? Plus, I noticed that on Escaping Polygamy, when your half-sibling Melanie escaped, her full brother looked just like your half-sibling Joe when he was younger. Are the 2nd and 3rd wife siblings? I know that both of them are half-siblings to Daniel 🤮. I'm glad that most of Daniel's children are more vocal about how their "donor" is nothing more than a narcissistic, sadistic psychopath who gets a high out of making everyone's lives miserable. It's also messed up that Ortell and Ladonna treated Daniel and their other children in the same manner that led them to be the men and women that they are now. ABUSE ≠ LOVE I'm also a fan of anime. My goal is to finish watching My Hero Academia by 2025. I was so into the show until school got in the way. I'm also a fan of Demon Slayer: Kimetsu no Yaiba. Sorry that this post is too long; I need to express my feelings because it's messed up that The Order doesn't like that "outsiders" are judging their "way of life," yet they always promote the sickness they all take part in. RIP to Rachel as well. She did not deserve to be bullied by her "community" for wanting a better life for herself. And shout out to Julie for trying to help Rachel the best she could.
I wish I could answer everything now but what I can say is that Rachel and Joe are full siblings. So their mom was Patricia, the woman who died of cancer.
Thank you so much! That was during the 5 months of me living with my mom again. It was so nice to be around animals. Growing up my mom didnt typically allow animals but thankfully my little brother was able to get 2 adorable chickens ❤️ 💙 💖
So, here's maybe a little different perspective... On my mom's father's father's side, the generation before him, practiced Mormon polygamy. My mom's father's mother's side was for sure Mormon, but I don't know if her parents were polygamous. But the church membership goes back far enough to assume there was polygamy in that line as well. The trauma went to my grandfather, who was seriously mentally ill. He traumatized my mother and her sisters severely. My mother was not able to attach to me. We had no bond. I was her first live birth at 19 years old. She got pregnant with my brother 6 months later while attending Brigham Young. Both of my parents dropped out and moved back home to Oregon. My brother and I inherited the trauma, even though we attended church like Jack Mormons and the bishop made me wait until I was 9 to get baptized. My great grandmother gave me my quad for my baptism, which I still have even though I have never really been an active participant in the church. My family has genetic issues which suggest possible inbreeding a few generations back. There are severely mal adaptive coping skills that have developed and been passed down. My mother taught me how to dissociate from physical pain after an accidental self inflicted injury at age 6 or so. She rarely acknowledged me unless she was telling me what to do. She had some type of unhealthy bond with my brother. She never had anymore kids. A bunch of religious trauma in the form of pushing real time apocalyptic signs and preparations really messed me up and now in my late 40s, I *still* can't stop hoarding certain things for "just incase". I have 5 comorbid mental health diagnoses and counting. I'm in a ton of therapy. I've unfortunately passed down some of this toxicity to my son, whom I had in my 30s. He's just entering adolescence. I would give my life if it would make him whole, healthy, happy, and capable of feeling and giving love. There's SO MUCH MORE but this isn't a college dissertation. I just want to put this here for anyone relating and then telling themselves that you weren't in a cult or didn't experience this level of abuse so you are in need of or don't deserve therapy, treatment, validation as much as these women. That's not true. The way this stuff insidiously works its way into the psyches of the next generation is real. Without doing the work to deal with the trauma, heal as much as possible and change toxic behavior and thought patterns, we pass it down. It leaks out onto everyone around us to one degree or another. These women said it, and they're correct, that everyone can benefit from therapy and the most important of all of those benefits is not passing it down. I wish I'd caught on to that years before I had my kiddo and not after he was already here and I could see it happening in front of me. Even if you don't ever plan on having kids. I wasn't going to and I ended up allowing this one to be born because I happened to be 14 months clean when I got pregnant so I thought, "its now or never." I should have dove deep into therapy then. But my doctors hadn't really uncovered the depths of my pathology yet. A lot didn't become apparent until I was a mother. I realized I had no idea how to do ANY of it, surrounded at the time by a bunch of mainstream Mormons who expected that I had been socialized for childcare all of my life like they do. But I hadn't and was left to sink or swim. My son lives full-time with his dad now, by our choice, no courts, because I couldn't provide stability. A man who grew up in meth infested homes was better prepared to be a parent than I was. Let that sink in. Ugh! There's so much that comes with this. And ill be speaking about it with my therapist at 2pm...
A 144000 comes for cult. That in its second generation, split, and one of those splits became the Jehovah's witnesses, another of those splits became 7th day Adventist, and the third major split became the Unitarians. That first one is absolutely a cult. As much as the order is the second is that much more borderline that the large mormon urban church is, and the third, it varies a lot, but is probably the closest christian equivalent to humanistic judaism
@Snow_Crystal420 "The Millerite movement split into different groups after the Great Disappointment of 1843 or 1844. The Great Disappointment occurred when the predicted events of the Second Coming did not happen. The Seventh-Day Adventists and Jehovah's Witnesses both emerged from this split," This was the third disappointment over a generation and a half since the whole prophecy stuff had turned that movement into a cult.
Never in a cult, but when my son said as a 5 year old "mum, when you jump on my head I don't have to live anymore" I knew it was time to plan my escape from an abusive marriage. So you're not the only one who had such severe thoughts at such a young age. I can happily say he's almost 20 now and is very happy with how his life turned out. 😊 Thank you for sharing your story.
I'm so glad you were able to make it through all of the battles and challenges that were set up in your life before you were even born. It's so refreshing to hear someone talk about their relationship with their mom in the way that you do because I can relate so much. Not loving her because I don't think I ever really knew her, while at the same time seeing her a person and a victim of circumstance and having empathy for that. Also the feeling sadness and longing for what you'll never have while not really missing her or the relationship. Amanda is right, you worded it all so beautifully! Thank you for sharing your story ❤
Omgosh Brenda, you are such a smart young lady. What you said about not ever meeting your mom. That’s so true and so incredibly insightful of you to say. You seem to understand her and her situation. I don’t know if she knows how to take accountability. Has she ever done such a thing? You don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing just how smart you are. I hope that you know that you matter in this life. You matter to us, now that we have met you on here. You matter to this friend group of Amanda Rae’s audience/friends and now your audience/friends too. I am a 59 year old grandma of six. I live in British Columbia, Canada. I have been married to my husband for 35 years and 7 months. He is my caregiver because I have a hereditary disease and I am in a wheelchair now. I too suffer from depression and I am on medication for it. I take a booklet of medication for my disease, so I understand being sick and tired of trying different medications. I could literally write a book about the medication I’ve been prescribed over my life so far. When you finally find the medication that works, it’s like striking gold, lol. Now you know a little about me. 🤗🇨🇦 Amanda Rae cares about you too, she cares about all the girls and the boys.
Hi, I’m from Amanda’s channel. Watching this whole video, one thing that struck me, you’re very emotionally intelligent. How you rationalized your punishments, how you insisted on going extra hard on yourself because you thought that was the only way to learn 🥺.
And you’re so compassionate, choosing not to hate your mom, but seeing her as a victim, that does emphasize what you said, that you’re an understanding and forgiving person. The part about Rachel (sorry if I spelled wrong) was the most heartbreaking part of the whole video. You and her were really close, you trauma-bonded, and you had somebody that didn’t make you feel like you were all alone. I’m really sorry about what happened to her, and I don’t believe she wanted to unalive herself, I think it’s more that she felt there’s no other option. And I get that you were also very determined to unalive yourself as well, but I’m very thankful that you’re still here. It feels like so many things were happening as a sign that you shouldn’t do it. The fact that you bonded with your sisters over the loss of Rachel, which made you learn more about how people really felt about Daniel; the school friend (god bless her) that convinced you to not unalive yourself but instead try to escape; the fact that Escaping Polygamy was happening around that time, which further made you seek help; the way you heard Daniel speak about your deceased sister. I think all these things were Rachel talking to you in spirit, encouraging you to live and to honor her. I think she’s with you, and she didn’t want death for you, she wanted life because you lived when you were with her, not just surviving.
The way you advocate for, and encourage therapy shows the kind of heart you have. You really care about peoples mental health.
Thank you for sharing, I really enjoyed listening to your story 🙏🏾💛.
I hope I didn’t rub you the wrong way, given that I’m a person of color, and the order kinda disapproves of people that look like me. You don’t strike me as somebody who thinks that way. Sorry If I sound rude
You did absolutely nothing wrong! Thank you so much for all of the kind words you've given me! As embarrassing as it is to admit it brought me to tears . Obviously I'm ok, but it's just so nice to hear people talk positively about Rachel and me. And even tho I'm not christian, I do believe that things can happen for a reason and I do believe Rachel's spirit has been with me and given me strength when I needed it most.
Im also greatful to know that I came across the way I hoped. I know in the past I was really bad at communicating and speaking in a way that truly communicated my feelings. I know I'm not perfect and will always have room to improve, but I'm glad to have gotten where I am now. ❤❤❤💝💝💝
@@Snow_Crystal420 I’m glad you’re here. My friend died by suicide in 2018, at age 20. I was 21 and struggling with unresolved trauma that I didn’t even understand I had. When he left, I saw the impact it has on people you don’t even realize it will impact. He impacted me in several ways. We were the same personality just in different bodies. Around the end of fall to early winter is when I started to move past denial and it began to really dawn on me that he’s not coming back that first year. Now this time of year is a trigger and I hope it becomes easier as time goes on but when he died I told myself I’ll never put my family and friends through that. I told myself I’ll end life on a high note saying fuck you to depression. It can be hard to remember that sometimes but having a good support system is helpful beyond words. While I’d made that promise to myself, I hadn’t made the one to not self harm. I made a new friend this year and told him what I did, and he made me 1) not be by myself alone until the phase had passed and 2) made me give him the tool and 3) made me promise not to ever do it again. I love him for that. I also really hate that he made me promise it at times. But I know it’s for the best. The point is, I’m glad you’re still here, as I think you have a lot of wisdom and kindness and joy and respect to offer people, and can help them see the need for accountability as well. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I don’t even know how I ended up watching this, It started with me wondering what was going on with the Brown family and Sister Wives.
I just want to say I’m so glad you’re still here, you’re such a well spoken woman, and you didn’t deserve any of that horrible childhood. I cannot imagine the fortitude and sometimes just plain luck, that got you through your past.
You are an exceptional young woman, and I’m grateful you’re here to tell your story. Just, wow.
I’m wishing you dreams that come true, knowing true love and happiness, and the ability to know you deserve those things as much as anyone ever did.
I experienced true depression for the first time when i was 9 so im used to feeling like I had early mental health struggles. I cannot imagine being suicidal at 5. They must have been so awful to you and you were just a baby. I'm glad you seem to have a good therapist and i wish you much peace and joy.
I found you ladies from CtC channel. I wasn't raised in a cult, but do feel like there's been a residual effect from how children often were raised without emotional love in the 1960s (and earlier), but had our needs provided and certainly weren't abused. It's a case of struggling from what we didn't get. Anyway, I want to offer looking in to Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN, Jonice Webb's work especially), and I just learned about Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy therapy (DNMS). I hope all good things for you both and all those who've fled The Order, FLDS, and LDS. Keep up the good work!
"My videos are what they are."
Thank you for posting this. Onward and upward!!!!
I didn't live in a cult situation like you two did, but went through a lot of nearly the exact same horrible things my entire child and teenhood, and it's very commendable and I'm very happy that you're here now and sharing your stories. Hearing you both talk reminded me of conversations I had with friends of mine about what had happened to us and trying to heal from it, and brought back fond memories of them. I hope you both are doing better now, and that life has gotten better, or at least freer.
You are both so strong! Makes me keep wanting to fight for the children of the world!
Thanks for sharing your story and struggles. I was raised as a JW and I started to think about me wanting to die when I was 6.I am 66 and I can relate to your childhood so much and your feelings. I remember when I was 9 and I started hitting myself and banging my head against the wall.I haven't heard of anyone else being as young as I was when I started thinking of unliving myself. Thanks so much for making me feel not so alone. You are so articulate Iam so proud of you. I will definitely be following you. .
Bruh!!!! Obviously I'm really sorry you had to go through that, but I feel the same way! It's nice knowing I'm not so different for having those thoughts so you. No one should feel that way so young, but it's nice to relate to someone
Thank you for sharing your story and being open and honest. I think this will help and encourage others dealing with suicidal thoughts. You are strong and making a good life for yourself. So proud of you. Hugs!!! ❤
i had to think a little bit before I made my comment but you know I had to just how amazing I think you both are. You are so incredibly strong to come on here and share your story and I am truly amazed at well you seem to be doing!! Keep up the good work! Know that we are here for you and please reach out if you need anything Brenda!
Thank you so much!!
Thank you for sharing your story with us. We are so glad you got out and are now happy. You have the cutest laugh ever. Have a great day.
Thank you so much! That's rly sweet of you to say
Love you both for telling your stories. From the Baptist point of view. I was always taught that the 144000 is se t aside for the Jews at the last (white thrown) judgement.
I am so heartbroken for what you have had to go through. I appreciate you sharing your story in the hopes of helping others. I admire your strength and perseverance and wish you peace and happiness in your many years and adventures to come!
I love that laugh ❤❤ ty for telling ur story
So proud of you both for sharing your stories! ❤
Thank you so much!!❤
I said this on Amanda’s channel, but your perceptiveness is mind blowing 🖤 I know that came with a heavy cost but I had to compliment you on it because you gave me goosebumps with your awareness & insight.
Thanks for sharing!! ❤
thank you so much for sharing your story brenda! excited to get to know you more. what you said about you and alison growing up five feet away from each other and not know what was happening with each other is so true. ive had some conversations with my siblings as adults about things we went through as children and it is eye-opening how they completely missed some of the things i was going through, or i missed that they were struggling as well.
thank you for sharing about rachel as well. im glad you two had one another to lean on and that you are able to keep her memory alive.
Thank you!!!
Absolutely heartbreaking. You didn't deserve any of this trauma. How, just how, can parents be so cruel to their own child. 😢
12:24 😂 haaha UNO Reverse!
Hahaha yeah I was a silly kid
Brenda, you are so cool!! Your level of self-awareness and compassion for others is so touching.
What are your favorite animes? I just finished Attack on Titan, and now we are flying through ReZero. My boyfriend and I take turns picking shows. He's seen so many, but I have only just gotten into the genre. It's my turn to pick this time. So if you have any recs please let me know!
Ill for sure answer this in my next q&a video.
Thank you for sharing, I’ll listen to what you decide to share on your yt. It takes so much integrity to wear a furry tail to required visits to see your family and stay true to yourself despite the pressure they put on you. Mad respect.
If you created videos on your interests I’d watch those too. I love anime and am curious to know which ones you like and inspires you. My question is how did you discover it and grow to like it under such strict living conditions? At 12 yo Soul Eater changed me lmao
Omg thank you! Literally tho! I was always so anxious about my family seeing it, but i knew I'd feel more comfortable being myself and being judged than to pretend I'm someone else. Also I loved soul eater as a kid, im actually really watching it now lol. I'll be more than happy to answer this in more detail in my next q&a
Brenda, I cannot believe how much your voice sounds like Kollene Snow!
I realize she is your half-sister, but gosh, Daniel’s gene’s are sure strong!
I am a little confused though-is your last name also Snow? Even though you have different mothers ? Because from what I remember from Amanda’s channel and Escaping Polygamy, Shanelle, Val and Kollene are all Shirley’s children. (With Daniel, of course).
😂 yeah I sound a lot like my sister's lol. Also no, my name is Brenda Collins. Snow Crystal is just a name i came up with for my channel when I was 13. I wanted to post videos without the fear of my family being able to easily search me up
I was just thinking her voice and calm demeanor is really pleasant to listen to.
I as someone who had a relatively normal life I am in therapy. My daughter is 5, has a speech delay and was recently diagnosed with ADHD, SPD, a challenging temperament and a high IQ. She is now in play therapy, along speech therapy and Occupational therapy.
I agree everyone needs therapy. My mom had a crappie childhood with parents who were addicts and a mom who OD'ed when she was 19. She never got help in part due to my dad who she was with starting at age 16, who is very anti mental health.
It was this combined with a nearly life time smoking addiction that contributed to her heart stopping due to stress in the summer of 2023 and then again that September. It didn't start again the second time. Part of me blames my dad for her death because he never encouraged her to seek therapy to deal with her trauma even when they told her why her heart stopped the first time. She was a few months shy of 67 and had just spent the weekend watching my then 4 year old daughter. My little girl will never remember my mom because of the stigma against mental health therapy. I miss my mom like crazy and hate that she never got help for her trauma and part of me will always be mad at her for dieing.
Oh Brenda I just wanna hug you. I’m so sorry about your sister. I’m sorry you had to go through hell.
I'm from Amanda's channel. When I did self harm it was skin picking and it hurt me to see it, I had to hide it. I didn't do it for attention, I was hurting and needed help! If, like in the order, I got that answer to me asking for help it would harm more than help.
We have big problems in the USA and religion is at the root.
So much love for you ladies ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
You are like Alison’s twin! 😊
Hahaha you think so? I mean we are only like 1.5 ish years apart 😂 I do think our voice sounds very similar
@@Snow_Crystal420you look very similar to Amanda too. How closely related are you?
@keashablew7728 cousins
It hurts my heart to hear you talking about harming yourself as young as 8
❤❤❤❤❤
Hello Brenda,
I sincerely feel sorry that you had to endure so much abuse at the hands of the "community" you had no choice but to be a part of until you chose to create happiness for yourself and not let anyone take control of your destiny ever again. Since your mom and the 6th wife are sisters, I definitely see the strong resemblance between you, Allison, Jessica, and Andrea. Your anime look reminds me of Kollene's style back in the day on Escaping Polygamy (you and her almost look like twins. 😁). I'm happy you were able to forgive your mother because you saw her as a victim as you healed from your trauma. Unfortunately, she was a teenage child who was forced to bear children. Hurt people hurt people.
It's sad that the rest of your full siblings see you and Allison as "sinners" for leaving. I believe their reaction stems from anger, insecurity, envy, and blind loyalty to "godly men" who see them as slaves who work for free and should be happy to be a slave to The Order. How did you and your family members get the bare necessities when the "community" refused to give you your paychecks? (I assume you had to "Bleed the Beast" for money). I find it hypocritical that the leaders hate the government and the "outside world" yet love taking their money and using the Utah government laws for their perversion to have their followers in line and the leaders in charge living like gods on Earth. Plus, having a few "outsiders" working in their businesses. THEY ARE NOT TRUE FOLLOWERS OF CHRIST. THEY WORSHIP THEMSELVES AND THEIR NARCISSISM.
I do not blame you and some of the former members for not being Christians because of the damaging spiritual abuse that all of you had to endure under "your uncle" and the rest of the bitter old men running The Order.
I also wondered for a long time how Daniel's 14 wives are related to one another and him. (I hope that Amanda does a video on it, too). All I know is that your mom and the sixth wife are siblings, and they and Shirley (the 7th wife) are unrelated to Daniel. Plus, one of Daniel's later wives is Shirley's cousin. Who was Rachel's mother in Daniel's harem? Plus, I noticed that on Escaping Polygamy, when your half-sibling Melanie escaped, her full brother looked just like your half-sibling Joe when he was younger. Are the 2nd and 3rd wife siblings? I know that both of them are half-siblings to Daniel 🤮. I'm glad that most of Daniel's children are more vocal about how their "donor" is nothing more than a narcissistic, sadistic psychopath who gets a high out of making everyone's lives miserable. It's also messed up that Ortell and Ladonna treated Daniel and their other children in the same manner that led them to be the men and women that they are now.
ABUSE ≠ LOVE
I'm also a fan of anime. My goal is to finish watching My Hero Academia by 2025. I was so into the show until school got in the way. I'm also a fan of Demon Slayer: Kimetsu no Yaiba. Sorry that this post is too long; I need to express my feelings because it's messed up that The Order doesn't like that "outsiders" are judging their "way of life," yet they always promote the sickness they all take part in. RIP to Rachel as well. She did not deserve to be bullied by her "community" for wanting a better life for herself. And shout out to Julie for trying to help Rachel the best she could.
I wish I could answer everything now but what I can say is that Rachel and Joe are full siblings. So their mom was Patricia, the woman who died of cancer.
@@Snow_Crystal420 Thank you so much for the information 😊. Giving many shout outs to those who left that dumpster fire called The Order ❤🎉.
Your videos with your chickens are so cute. I’m sorry you were born into the order. Nobody deserves to not feel loved by their family.
Thank you so much! That was during the 5 months of me living with my mom again. It was so nice to be around animals. Growing up my mom didnt typically allow animals but thankfully my little brother was able to get 2 adorable chickens ❤️ 💙 💖
So, here's maybe a little different perspective...
On my mom's father's father's side, the generation before him, practiced Mormon polygamy. My mom's father's mother's side was for sure Mormon, but I don't know if her parents were polygamous. But the church membership goes back far enough to assume there was polygamy in that line as well. The trauma went to my grandfather, who was seriously mentally ill. He traumatized my mother and her sisters severely. My mother was not able to attach to me. We had no bond. I was her first live birth at 19 years old. She got pregnant with my brother 6 months later while attending Brigham Young. Both of my parents dropped out and moved back home to Oregon. My brother and I inherited the trauma, even though we attended church like Jack Mormons and the bishop made me wait until I was 9 to get baptized. My great grandmother gave me my quad for my baptism, which I still have even though I have never really been an active participant in the church.
My family has genetic issues which suggest possible inbreeding a few generations back. There are severely mal adaptive coping skills that have developed and been passed down. My mother taught me how to dissociate from physical pain after an accidental self inflicted injury at age 6 or so. She rarely acknowledged me unless she was telling me what to do. She had some type of unhealthy bond with my brother. She never had anymore kids. A bunch of religious trauma in the form of pushing real time apocalyptic signs and preparations really messed me up and now in my late 40s, I *still* can't stop hoarding certain things for "just incase". I have 5 comorbid mental health diagnoses and counting. I'm in a ton of therapy. I've unfortunately passed down some of this toxicity to my son, whom I had in my 30s. He's just entering adolescence. I would give my life if it would make him whole, healthy, happy, and capable of feeling and giving love.
There's SO MUCH MORE but this isn't a college dissertation. I just want to put this here for anyone relating and then telling themselves that you weren't in a cult or didn't experience this level of abuse so you are in need of or don't deserve therapy, treatment, validation as much as these women. That's not true. The way this stuff insidiously works its way into the psyches of the next generation is real. Without doing the work to deal with the trauma, heal as much as possible and change toxic behavior and thought patterns, we pass it down. It leaks out onto everyone around us to one degree or another. These women said it, and they're correct, that everyone can benefit from therapy and the most important of all of those benefits is not passing it down. I wish I'd caught on to that years before I had my kiddo and not after he was already here and I could see it happening in front of me. Even if you don't ever plan on having kids. I wasn't going to and I ended up allowing this one to be born because I happened to be 14 months clean when I got pregnant so I thought, "its now or never." I should have dove deep into therapy then. But my doctors hadn't really uncovered the depths of my pathology yet. A lot didn't become apparent until I was a mother. I realized I had no idea how to do ANY of it, surrounded at the time by a bunch of mainstream Mormons who expected that I had been socialized for childcare all of my life like they do. But I hadn't and was left to sink or swim. My son lives full-time with his dad now, by our choice, no courts, because I couldn't provide stability. A man who grew up in meth infested homes was better prepared to be a parent than I was. Let that sink in.
Ugh! There's so much that comes with this. And ill be speaking about it with my therapist at 2pm...
Thank you for sharing❤ yeah I truly believe that on top of mental illness, ptsd can be passed down through generations
When in Rome do as the Roman’s do. That is what they use to justify making you follow their rules. Just a little hope I became an orphan recently 😂🎉
Yeah haha my mom is silly. Thank you for sharing. I'm sending you good vibes
Quick question - are you Val and Shannel’s sister?
Yes, she is their half sister. Brenda’s mom is the fifth wife and Val and Shanell’s mom is the seventh.
@@jrr7312thank you for answering this for me haha
A 144000 comes for cult. That in its second generation, split, and one of those splits became the Jehovah's witnesses, another of those splits became 7th day Adventist, and the third major split became the Unitarians. That first one is absolutely a cult. As much as the order is the second is that much more borderline that the large mormon urban church is, and the third, it varies a lot, but is probably the closest christian equivalent to humanistic judaism
That's so interesting, I had no idea. Thx 4 sharing
@Snow_Crystal420 "The Millerite movement split into different groups after the Great Disappointment of 1843 or 1844. The Great Disappointment occurred when the predicted events of the Second Coming did not happen. The Seventh-Day Adventists and Jehovah's Witnesses both emerged from this split,"
This was the third disappointment over a generation and a half since the whole prophecy stuff had turned that movement into a cult.
Which episode of Escaping Polygamy did Brenda appear in?
A couple. S1 e 6 . And a couple more times sprinkled in here and there.im not sure tbh.
Also, please let us know when Daniel does pass… I would like to celebrate for you all as well. Jesus H. Christ. Laura as well. True evil.
Hahahaha for sure 🎉😂
Hello Young Lady 😘
Hahahaha you're so funny
@@Snow_Crystal420 Love Your Story 💯 🙏 👍 😎 will follow you 💯