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"My videos are what they are." <- That's a whole mood right there.

Brenda looks so much like kylie Jenner but she’s more interesting to listen to

Nicotine can affect how your meds work. Just fyi....

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Thank you for sharing your story and experiences. Wishing you all the best.🩷

I don’t even know how I ended up watching this, It started with me wondering what was going on with the Brown family and Sister Wives. I just want to say I’m so glad you’re still here, you’re such a well spoken woman, and you didn’t deserve any of that horrible childhood. I cannot imagine the fortitude and sometimes just plain luck, that got you through your past. You are an exceptional young woman, and I’m grateful you’re here to tell your story. Just, wow. I’m wishing you dreams that come true, knowing true love and happiness, and the ability to know you deserve those things as much as anyone ever did.

I love your bravery in Speaking up about your good and bad experiences! Sending love and hugs to you both!!!

Brenda you’re amazing!

💙 My algorithm contribution 💙

You are so easy to listen to, articulate, and calming. I appreciate the clarity and education you bring. Thank you for your genuine presentation from your heart!

I am on Lexapro probably for the rest of my life. I grew up with parents who probably due to the craziness that was the 60's and 70's didn't understand mental health. I finally got on medication after a mix covid and postpartum anxiety nearly destroyed my marriage. I am not shy that I have anxiety or agoraphobia and need medication. I see my therapist once every 4 to 5 weeks and my psychiatrist twice a year. My 5 year old is currently in therapy since she has ADHD and some sensory issues combined with a high IQ so she needs help and that is just fine.

STAY AWAY FROM XANAX. SO EXTREMELY ADDICTIVE.

I started taking Zoloft in my 40ths . I went back to my doctor and ask where has this been all my life. The drug does not make me high it just allows me to have normal reaction to things.

thank you for sharing your experiences brenda! im glad you were able to get something positive out of some of your psych ward experiences <3 really appreciate the talk about medication at the end, too. nobody thinks that diabetics are addicted to insulin or that theyre wrong for needing to take it for the rest of their lives, so i hope the perception about mental health medication changes more. ill most likely need to be on my bipolar meds for the rest of my life because my brain just doesnt properly do what its supposed to do without them and i dont think there should be any shame in that

Crystal - I like your AA recovery symbol :)

Brenda reminds me of KoKo so much especially mannerisms and speech patterns 😅

Brenda, I am so amazed at your strength. I wish you all the best. After everything you've gone through, you certainly deserve it.

For me, I’m not against taking meds. However, I have been through so many that haven’t worked or that have but insurance won’t pay for. So while I probably definitely need meds it feels hopeless.

I would love to buy a pet portrait I had a kitty that recently passed but I don’t have IG is there another way?

Thank you for sharing your story Brenda ❤❤❤

This conversation, especially about the use of meds in treatment is SO important for people to hear. Some people just don’t have the right brain chemistry to live life fully. There should be no shame in taking meds. Thank you for talking about all this. Wishing you all the best Brenda. ❤

Brenda, I’m really sorry, it’s been a harrowing journey. Jumping out of a moving vehicle to save your life, essentially, that’s awful. I hope your foot fully heales someday. At this point, you know psych wards like the back of your hand. And the way your interactions, with medications, has changed is really fascinating. I’m with Amanda, I also fear meds, I just think of them as unnatural and so, the body is working with processed foods, essentially. But, watching this video, I am definitely more understanding, you make great points that they’re made to be helpful, demystifying them and destigmatizing them makes them be an option to those who need them, without fear of being judged. And for the record, I’m not against pills, just afraid of being addicted. I hope you’re forever getting better, and feeling better. Your brain has hopefully learned to utilize serotonin and dopamine as needed. Utah took a lot from you, but you’re very strong. I wish you all the best with your art hobby/passion. I hope you find a better place to live and work in ❤💛☺️🙏🏾

Omgosh Brenda, you are such a smart young lady. What you said about not ever meeting your mom. That’s so true and so incredibly insightful of you to say. You seem to understand her and her situation. I don’t know if she knows how to take accountability. Has she ever done such a thing? You don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing just how smart you are. I hope that you know that you matter in this life. You matter to us, now that we have met you on here. You matter to this friend group of Amanda Rae’s audience/friends and now your audience/friends too. I am a 59 year old grandma of six. I live in British Columbia, Canada. I have been married to my husband for 35 years and 7 months. He is my caregiver because I have a hereditary disease and I am in a wheelchair now. I too suffer from depression and I am on medication for it. I take a booklet of medication for my disease, so I understand being sick and tired of trying different medications. I could literally write a book about the medication I’ve been prescribed over my life so far. When you finally find the medication that works, it’s like striking gold, lol. Now you know a little about me. 🤗🇨🇦 Amanda Rae cares about you too, she cares about all the girls and the boys.

12:24 😂 haaha UNO Reverse!

I'm not understanding. When you're released from these wards do they not help you with an ongoing therapist? I get that the medications are necessary and helpful but I'm guessing you have a lot of trauma from your time in the cult. Have you received help from any of these places with that?

I had the horrendous experience of being in a psyche ward about 35 years ago. The reason I was admitted was because I hadn't been able to fall asleep for about 5 days, after doing intense meditation, and it caused a psychotic break. My experience was similar to what you describe, being invalidated, ignored and mistreated, with every statement, question and request being attributed to my 'mental illness'. . I was also misdiagnosed and put on medication which made me feel much worse. The only way they would let me out was by taking their awful drugs, playing along and agreeing with everything they said. All I had needed was to be able to fall asleep and get some rest. It's completely dehumanising, and I'm horrified that nothing has improved in 30 years. Thanks for sharing your experience, I'm glad you are doing better these days. edited to add: I just watched more of this video, up to the part you are talking about medication. I wanted to share my medication experience, briefly. I was put on Zoloft for anxiety about 25 years ago. It wasn't very helpful, in fact it caused depression, but I stuck with it. Eventually I had more side effects than anything else, but I couldn't get off it. I switched to something else, then I was switched to Lexapro. My personality changed and I was living with low grade depression, I had a lot of side effects and my physical health was being impacted, but I couldn't stop taking it because of extreme withdrawal symptoms. Eventually I learned about tapering and came off slowly over a couple of months. By that stage I had been taking them for 13 years. I felt ok for a few months, but then I started to experience a whole lot of new and strange symptoms. It took two years to find out what was wrong. I had developed PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome) My symptoms got worse and worse, but there was no treatment that helped. Going back on medications made me feel worse, and I became suicidal and homicidal, things I had never experienced before. I realised it was the medication that was causing me to feel this way. So I stopped taking them, and the urges went away. But my brain and nervous system had become completely disregulated and sensitised from the shock of no longer having the medications on board, after having become adjusted to them over the years. I became bed bound for about 3 years. I couldn't deal with light or sound. Over time I recovered, but it has taken the best part of 10 to get back to normal. I now take no medications and realise I never should have taken them in the first place. What I needed was therapy and to leave an abusive relationship. My family of origin was like a cult, and I experienced a lot of emotional abuse and neglect, and went on to choose an abusive, manipulative person as a partner. I had dysfunctional emotional and psychological patterns from the way I was raised, and that was what was causing my extreme anxiety, along with the current abuse. There was nothing wrong with my brain chemistry. Psychiatric medications should only be taken for the shortest time possible and only as a last resort. The side effects and potential damage caused by them has to be taken into consideration because they can end up causing more harm than good in the long term. They don't cure anything, they only mask unpleasant feelings and sensations, which can be useful in an emergency, but not as a long term strategy. Work with a good therapist to get to the real cause of your issues, and make the changes needed in your life, hopefully with some help and support. I wish someone had told me all this before I started taking Zoloft, and I could have avoided unimaginable suffering and the loss of 10 years of my life.

Which episode of Escaping Polygamy did Brenda appear in?

You are both so strong! Makes me keep wanting to fight for the children of the world!

I'm so glad you were able to make it through all of the battles and challenges that were set up in your life before you were even born. It's so refreshing to hear someone talk about their relationship with their mom in the way that you do because I can relate so much. Not loving her because I don't think I ever really knew her, while at the same time seeing her a person and a victim of circumstance and having empathy for that. Also the feeling sadness and longing for what you'll never have while not really missing her or the relationship. Amanda is right, you worded it all so beautifully! Thank you for sharing your story ❤

I as someone who had a relatively normal life I am in therapy. My daughter is 5, has a speech delay and was recently diagnosed with ADHD, SPD, a challenging temperament and a high IQ. She is now in play therapy, along speech therapy and Occupational therapy. I agree everyone needs therapy. My mom had a crappie childhood with parents who were addicts and a mom who OD'ed when she was 19. She never got help in part due to my dad who she was with starting at age 16, who is very anti mental health. It was this combined with a nearly life time smoking addiction that contributed to her heart stopping due to stress in the summer of 2023 and then again that September. It didn't start again the second time. Part of me blames my dad for her death because he never encouraged her to seek therapy to deal with her trauma even when they told her why her heart stopped the first time. She was a few months shy of 67 and had just spent the weekend watching my then 4 year old daughter. My little girl will never remember my mom because of the stigma against mental health therapy. I miss my mom like crazy and hate that she never got help for her trauma and part of me will always be mad at her for dieing.

How did The Order explain that the birth rate is roughly 50/50, so there aren’t enough women for all men to have multiple wives? The math just doesn’t math. Are those unmarried men supposed to be perceived as unworthy?

I experienced true depression for the first time when i was 9 so im used to feeling like I had early mental health struggles. I cannot imagine being suicidal at 5. They must have been so awful to you and you were just a baby. I'm glad you seem to have a good therapist and i wish you much peace and joy.

i had to think a little bit before I made my comment but you know I had to just how amazing I think you both are. You are so incredibly strong to come on here and share your story and I am truly amazed at well you seem to be doing!! Keep up the good work! Know that we are here for you and please reach out if you need anything Brenda!

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Thank you for sharing your story with us. We are so glad you got out and are now happy. You have the cutest laugh ever. Have a great day.

We have big problems in the USA and religion is at the root.

Hello Brenda, I sincerely feel sorry that you had to endure so much abuse at the hands of the "community" you had no choice but to be a part of until you chose to create happiness for yourself and not let anyone take control of your destiny ever again. Since your mom and the 6th wife are sisters, I definitely see the strong resemblance between you, Allison, Jessica, and Andrea. Your anime look reminds me of Kollene's style back in the day on Escaping Polygamy (you and her almost look like twins. 😁). I'm happy you were able to forgive your mother because you saw her as a victim as you healed from your trauma. Unfortunately, she was a teenage child who was forced to bear children. Hurt people hurt people. It's sad that the rest of your full siblings see you and Allison as "sinners" for leaving. I believe their reaction stems from anger, insecurity, envy, and blind loyalty to "godly men" who see them as slaves who work for free and should be happy to be a slave to The Order. How did you and your family members get the bare necessities when the "community" refused to give you your paychecks? (I assume you had to "Bleed the Beast" for money). I find it hypocritical that the leaders hate the government and the "outside world" yet love taking their money and using the Utah government laws for their perversion to have their followers in line and the leaders in charge living like gods on Earth. Plus, having a few "outsiders" working in their businesses. THEY ARE NOT TRUE FOLLOWERS OF CHRIST. THEY WORSHIP THEMSELVES AND THEIR NARCISSISM. I do not blame you and some of the former members for not being Christians because of the damaging spiritual abuse that all of you had to endure under "your uncle" and the rest of the bitter old men running The Order. I also wondered for a long time how Daniel's 14 wives are related to one another and him. (I hope that Amanda does a video on it, too). All I know is that your mom and the sixth wife are siblings, and they and Shirley (the 7th wife) are unrelated to Daniel. Plus, one of Daniel's later wives is Shirley's cousin. Who was Rachel's mother in Daniel's harem? Plus, I noticed that on Escaping Polygamy, when your half-sibling Melanie escaped, her full brother looked just like your half-sibling Joe when he was younger. Are the 2nd and 3rd wife siblings? I know that both of them are half-siblings to Daniel 🤮. I'm glad that most of Daniel's children are more vocal about how their "donor" is nothing more than a narcissistic, sadistic psychopath who gets a high out of making everyone's lives miserable. It's also messed up that Ortell and Ladonna treated Daniel and their other children in the same manner that led them to be the men and women that they are now. ABUSE ≠ LOVE I'm also a fan of anime. My goal is to finish watching My Hero Academia by 2025. I was so into the show until school got in the way. I'm also a fan of Demon Slayer: Kimetsu no Yaiba. Sorry that this post is too long; I need to express my feelings because it's messed up that The Order doesn't like that "outsiders" are judging their "way of life," yet they always promote the sickness they all take part in. RIP to Rachel as well. She did not deserve to be bullied by her "community" for wanting a better life for herself. And shout out to Julie for trying to help Rachel the best she could.

I found you ladies from CtC channel. I wasn't raised in a cult, but do feel like there's been a residual effect from how children often were raised without emotional love in the 1960s (and earlier), but had our needs provided and certainly weren't abused. It's a case of struggling from what we didn't get. Anyway, I want to offer looking in to Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN, Jonice Webb's work especially), and I just learned about Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy therapy (DNMS). I hope all good things for you both and all those who've fled The Order, FLDS, and LDS. Keep up the good work!

Hi watched the 2 episodes you filmed with Amanda and I’m so sorry for you to have experienced all what you’re talking abt. Respectfully, Grace

Never in a cult, but when my son said as a 5 year old "mum, when you jump on my head I don't have to live anymore" I knew it was time to plan my escape from an abusive marriage. So you're not the only one who had such severe thoughts at such a young age. I can happily say he's almost 20 now and is very happy with how his life turned out. 😊 Thank you for sharing your story.

Thank you for posting this. Onward and upward!!!!

I love that laugh ❤❤ ty for telling ur story

Thank you for sharing your story and being open and honest. I think this will help and encourage others dealing with suicidal thoughts. You are strong and making a good life for yourself. So proud of you. Hugs!!! ❤

So, here's maybe a little different perspective... On my mom's father's father's side, the generation before him, practiced Mormon polygamy. My mom's father's mother's side was for sure Mormon, but I don't know if her parents were polygamous. But the church membership goes back far enough to assume there was polygamy in that line as well. The trauma went to my grandfather, who was seriously mentally ill. He traumatized my mother and her sisters severely. My mother was not able to attach to me. We had no bond. I was her first live birth at 19 years old. She got pregnant with my brother 6 months later while attending Brigham Young. Both of my parents dropped out and moved back home to Oregon. My brother and I inherited the trauma, even though we attended church like Jack Mormons and the bishop made me wait until I was 9 to get baptized. My great grandmother gave me my quad for my baptism, which I still have even though I have never really been an active participant in the church. My family has genetic issues which suggest possible inbreeding a few generations back. There are severely mal adaptive coping skills that have developed and been passed down. My mother taught me how to dissociate from physical pain after an accidental self inflicted injury at age 6 or so. She rarely acknowledged me unless she was telling me what to do. She had some type of unhealthy bond with my brother. She never had anymore kids. A bunch of religious trauma in the form of pushing real time apocalyptic signs and preparations really messed me up and now in my late 40s, I *still* can't stop hoarding certain things for "just incase". I have 5 comorbid mental health diagnoses and counting. I'm in a ton of therapy. I've unfortunately passed down some of this toxicity to my son, whom I had in my 30s. He's just entering adolescence. I would give my life if it would make him whole, healthy, happy, and capable of feeling and giving love. There's SO MUCH MORE but this isn't a college dissertation. I just want to put this here for anyone relating and then telling themselves that you weren't in a cult or didn't experience this level of abuse so you are in need of or don't deserve therapy, treatment, validation as much as these women. That's not true. The way this stuff insidiously works its way into the psyches of the next generation is real. Without doing the work to deal with the trauma, heal as much as possible and change toxic behavior and thought patterns, we pass it down. It leaks out onto everyone around us to one degree or another. These women said it, and they're correct, that everyone can benefit from therapy and the most important of all of those benefits is not passing it down. I wish I'd caught on to that years before I had my kiddo and not after he was already here and I could see it happening in front of me. Even if you don't ever plan on having kids. I wasn't going to and I ended up allowing this one to be born because I happened to be 14 months clean when I got pregnant so I thought, "its now or never." I should have dove deep into therapy then. But my doctors hadn't really uncovered the depths of my pathology yet. A lot didn't become apparent until I was a mother. I realized I had no idea how to do ANY of it, surrounded at the time by a bunch of mainstream Mormons who expected that I had been socialized for childcare all of my life like they do. But I hadn't and was left to sink or swim. My son lives full-time with his dad now, by our choice, no courts, because I couldn't provide stability. A man who grew up in meth infested homes was better prepared to be a parent than I was. Let that sink in. Ugh! There's so much that comes with this. And ill be speaking about it with my therapist at 2pm...

Brenda, you are so cool!! Your level of self-awareness and compassion for others is so touching. What are your favorite animes? I just finished Attack on Titan, and now we are flying through ReZero. My boyfriend and I take turns picking shows. He's seen so many, but I have only just gotten into the genre. It's my turn to pick this time. So if you have any recs please let me know!

I'm from Amanda's channel. When I did self harm it was skin picking and it hurt me to see it, I had to hide it. I didn't do it for attention, I was hurting and needed help! If, like in the order, I got that answer to me asking for help it would harm more than help.

Thanks for sharing your story and struggles. I was raised as a JW and I started to think about me wanting to die when I was 6.I am 66 and I can relate to your childhood so much and your feelings. I remember when I was 9 and I started hitting myself and banging my head against the wall.I haven't heard of anyone else being as young as I was when I started thinking of unliving myself. Thanks so much for making me feel not so alone. You are so articulate Iam so proud of you. I will definitely be following you. .

Omg! So many mind games, so sorry u had to endure all this!!

A 144000 comes for cult. That in its second generation, split, and one of those splits became the Jehovah's witnesses, another of those splits became 7th day Adventist, and the third major split became the Unitarians. That first one is absolutely a cult. As much as the order is the second is that much more borderline that the large mormon urban church is, and the third, it varies a lot, but is probably the closest christian equivalent to humanistic judaism

When in Rome do as the Roman’s do. That is what they use to justify making you follow their rules. Just a little hope I became an orphan recently 😂🎉