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Not good

My best costume oddly enough was when I was 21 😂 I went out with two friends and I was Freddy Krueger. It was a more elaborate costume than anything I did as a kid.

What you said in the beginning sums it up perfectly. I often don't feel very good but what it achieves outweighs any desire I might have to eat.

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I thought pretty much the same. I thought I am functioning, I want to be that way etc. but honestly I don't think your body will let you know how far too far is before it is too late. I had a day where I couldn't get up anymore and I only heard people from very far away and it was warm and cozy and amazing. It was light a tunnel of light and warmth and there were many shadows that I knew were people dear to me. Later a caretaker told me he was screaming and shaking me since he couldn't wake me up. I don't know if my body was close to giving up in these days or whether it was just "normal" exhaustion. I remember that I in "my dream" got very angry about that far away voice disrupting that beautiful peace and that I wanted it (the caretaker as I know now) to shut up. I did wake up though. I am conviced that your body does everything to hide the pain you are in. EDs are very similiar to addictions from my experience. With simillar consequences.

I've been trying to "recover", but have only gained 4lbs in 11 months ; I give up !

Your fur baby 🐈‍⬛ is gorgeous! I have three ragdolls who confuse me with all their mad antics and tail movements! 😹 Anyway, I hope you’re doing ok 💜

How are you now Rachel?

I see this as an addiction, am I wrong?

This mindset is so imortant to u derstand for those of us who treat people with ED

Well aslong as the mask is on, your safe. Cringe.

It's such a shame youre not on here anymore😢...you are extremely authentic and relatable. Hope you're doing well wherever you are. Sending love even if you never see this ❤

I am 43 and my eating disorder started 2 yeras ago. I was always known for being skinny, untill I quit smoking and then my weight just started rising! I was 16 stone after quitting smoking! I think I have always had an eating disorder though, in my 20's I would always insist on being under weight and I was happy if I saw bones. When I was 16 stone I felt uncomfortable, unhappy and relly couldn't cope with it, I stopped wearing makeup ( cause i didn't feel attractive) refused to buy clothes (unless size 10 , which i obvisoly didn't fit!) and had an absolute hatred for myself. slimming world and the gym worked, but now I know I have a problem , I just fear going back to how I was! I would rather be ill! and I know it sounds stupid, because I am 42 years old, I have a great life, and 2 great children , anorexia is for teens! surley I have more important things in life! but I can't get over it, I just fear fat. It amazes me how many people get an eating disorder when a parent dies. My aunt is ill with anoexia and I know of so many other who - when their parent dies - they develop an eating disorder. my dad died 4 years ago and thats when it started! I would say I am strong, and have accepted it but why has it turned into an eating disorder? is there an unknown pattern betweeen grief and eating disorders?

She is being honest. We NEED to allow people to talk. By yourself death is not bad. Living in misery and willfully leaving people behind is. Everyone's pain has validity. We have few disasters in this country. Sad to say but if we had, ie. war, flooding, earthquakes etc. , a mass survival mode would not support Anorexia and non- ambulatory obesity.

Hey how have you been feeling? You alive?

Please turn to Jesus ❤❤

Hey hope you’re doing okay, really like your videos and the broad topics you cover

the cat tail twitching means they are basically hella excited to see you. like when dogs run in circles when they get excited, it’s a cats version of it. 😩❤️

put this video in 2x thank me later

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It's been a long time..I was wondering how your recovery is going and if you're ok?

Hi,Girly.How are you?

Hey.How are you doing?Was thinking about you.

I hear you; it's heartbreaking. It is such a catch 22 and paralyzing. I hope that 1% is Ryder and Pickles and that you are still striving for recovery!

you're lovely and so strong! You inspire me. I hope you're better now. Thank you for this content, I do feel less alone

To be honest I watch your videos 90% for the cat footage.

I love the ice analogy!! I get it-it's like a total disassociation. If you've had any epiphanies on brindging this gap, please pass along!

Absolutely hear you. Missing out on so much, so many opportunities to contribute to the world due to rules and restrictions. Where does the time go! BUT - did you make it out here????? Welcome - we are practically neighbors! I live a county away from Seattle. I'm dying to know what's going on for you both - hoping you have opened your own coffee rotisserie! Are there videos past this date? I am new to You Tube (and old) and not sure how to find stuff!

What a blessing to have such a loving partner! I love what you say about giving him the chance to support by opening up. Might try that. Is it too late to ask questions?? It's been a year since this video was posted! I feel so much guilt and shame that my husband and kids have to have a partner/mom who appears outwardly ill. How does Ryder respond to other people who ask or talk about it? I also feel guilt for placing the burden of this illness on our relationship. How do you both deal with that?

Thank you for this, Rachael; it was so helpful to me! Wise voice x two versus ED voice!!

I'm so glad I came across your videos and will probably binge watch them this weekend! You are so intelligent, insightful and discerning, truly gifted. I'm not sure which video I got this from but I have a qoute from you on a sticky on my mirror to remind me and keep me going: I am unhappy and I don't want to live my life like this anymore. Keep at it, Rachael; you got this!

I’m sorry but the title sucks

Ale fortunate Oli you can’t have E cake and eat E cake and the same time.When I was sick I looked like my own grandma and felt like I’m hundred years old, zero energy and motivation to life.First I tried to heal myself on my own obviously I failed I went to rehab twice and they really helped me.I’m still slim but I feel much better and look much better.Anorexia will catch you hard one day.Don’t let it happen, fight

One of my favorite distractions is knitting. I get very focused on it and it’s so calming. There are tons of how to videos on TH-cam to get started. Probably everyone in my family has a handmade dishcloth, lol.

You look better and healthier on your first upload video compare this recent one. You look older and tired.

I'm still trying to figure out the fire pole thing in your house. :-D

U need to get focused on urself mebay not on others take urself away from others and work on urself

Rachel, now that I am in my early 40’s I noticed some life female eating disorder tidbits. When I was in my early 30’s I noticed I began to not care as much as being skinny, over exercising, counting calories etc... engaging fully in my eating disorder of anorexia began to not be of importance to my soul. It’s like when I turned 32 years old I no longer cared about being a certain body type, sicker then anyone else and body image issues just randomly disappeared for me! Kind of strange, however now that I am in my early 40’s, I look at my 30’s as my body growing up, moving on a loving eating food, socializing with food with others in my 30’s! Just my life experience with having eating disorders! I hope your 30’s gives you permission to grow up and grow out of your eating disorder!

Eat the MUFFIN is ALL I got

Yes there is comparison and feeling not sick enough! But, why doesn’t our brain completely reverse it’s thinking when we find out someone we knew died of that very same condition? It should want to survive and start eating, but it doesn’t seem too. Such strong denial going on

Stupid question but how did you know what to eat. I find it excruciating to make the decisions about going to the supermarket, what to buy, cook it et etc etc Any tips?

I have a mantra Help me to be healthy, help me to be safe, help me live in peace Please keep doing what you’re doing, you’re real, you’re genuine, you’re authentic and you’re utterly lovely xxx

When I was struggling at my worse, comparison was not as bad as when I “had to recover” and the longing and comparison and “envy” set in. I, too, had my “coffee shop girl” I compared myself to when I worked there. Yet she fully recovered, far far before I did, with tremendous help and support, had a career and family. And now I feel left behind in a way because my recovery mentally has taken so long even though I’m a couple years past fully weight restored (plus quite a bit oh well). So, I hear you. I get it. What you envy is perhaps the comfort and “safety” you felt while allowing yourself to coast in anorexia. Not the disease itself. After weight restoration and a few years for your brain to recover, safety and coasting will come again. But- not until then. Comparing will happen- your brain does it by itself I think, as a way of navigating surroundings and trying to understand the changes being made. And that’s fine. But you must still keep going. Do as you know to do, not as you feel is right to do. Grit will get you there. You might not have a destination in mind (I was sick for so long I didn’t even have memories to try to get back to). But the body will repair on its own with time and nourishment and perseverance in the right direction. Staying sick is sometimes extreme Hunger and desire in a weird way- we love the idea of permission to eat. And we are afraid that if we use up that permission and “slack” it won’t be there any longer. We are excellent at delayed gratification. The reward (food) comes later. But.... the permission never ends. You cannot bank it. It doesn’t save up for monsterous indefinite eating later. The gratification seeking and “saving up for” is due to hormones reflecting energy debt. When the debt is filled and your body is recovered, these normalize. Indefinite Permission is there, but the desperate appeal is diminished. And your body regulates the energy in and out with indefinite permission still there- I sometimes forget about food! I thought I’d be disappointed by this. And yet even disappointment can only occur if you want or need something you don’t get. When you are there, you may not even realize it because you aren’t analyzing it any longer! “Feel shit, do it anyways...” xoxo

Sounds like an exciting move! Best wishes for a fun and safe trip!

Your limited clothing is triggering to some.

Woah how exciting! Best wishes for the journey ahead! xxx

I'm so pumped you guys will be up here! ❤️

So excited for this new chapter for you!

Will you be carrying on your training. Really good luck xx

I’m so nodding my head in agreement. I can totally relate to what you’re saying. I have wasted so many of those opportunities and I always say ‘Next year.....’. and never do anything to make that happen.