Personal boundaries & autism - can it work?
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 ก.ค. 2024
- Sometimes setting boundaries backfires, so what strategies can we employ to give us the best chance of success in our relationships?
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🌶️ Chilli Sauces:
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (1985). *Intrinsic Motivation and Self-Determination in Human Behavior*. Springer US.
Nagle, J., Wolf, P., & Riener, R. (2016). *Competitive and Non-Competitive Modes in Multiplayer Online Games*. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 19(5), 343-348.
Zald, D. H., & Zatorre, R. J. (2011). *Neurobiology of Reward and Decision Making*. Neuron, 72(2), 185-196
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I am not a healthcare professional or psychotherapist. If you are watching this and feel that you need immediate mental health support, please see the list of mental health helplines at [HelpGuide.org](helpguide.org/) here:
www.helpguide.org/find-help.htm
If you have met one autistic (and or ADHD) person, you have met one person. This is a spectrum condition, and many traits may be different, or have alternative explanations for your symptoms. If in doubt, refer to a psychologist, and not a TH-camr.
Self-diagnosis is valid!
Chapters
0:00 Why traditional boundary setting fails
09:26 Small Business
11:38 Another personal story
12:40 Tip 1 When you have the power to enforce consequences
14:30 Tip 2 Inserting time
17:10 Tip 3 Bruce Lee's Advice
18:50 Tip 4 Fighting the inner crocodile
20:00 Bonus Clip - Climate Change Debate
24:50 Tip 5 Managing Guilt - บันเทิง
The first part does feel way too real though...
I never learned to set boundaries. Every little thing that hurt me or made me uncomfortable was met with an "you can't expect everyone to appeal to your needs".
And it will haunt me forever. I just hope it will eventually go better.
I ask myself "what would I do/say if someone I care about was in the situation" and take my own advice to deal with it. Gets easier with practice.
🧡 I love this! That's a great tip. But what about when folks say we have no empathy? 😂
Mike, it cracked me up
you had to sit thru
that lengthy talk
about "time" hehe
Your portion of the talk,
that was amazing!
Did you see how his body language
changed when you said something
he didn't like?
He put his giant legs
apart taking up space.
He crossed his arms fully
to hid behind.
He jutted his chin out & lower lip
pouting like a toddler.
You held your own.
Like the confidence
needed when you encounter
an upset dog off a leash that threatens.
Your calm speaks volumes.
Plus, your joke with your colleague
in her 50s was well received.
Thanks for another great video, Lee
Very observant of you! No, I didn't notice much at the time. My mind was fully on the arguments!
@@Autistic_AF Mike, you did a great job. I'm so proud of you!
Mike, I like your creative solution of attaching the popper to the door!
Thank you! Cheers! It was with sellotape across the doorframe and door. It honestly worked a treat! -Mike
I clicked this video because I got a notification
Same
The stimmy notification bell plushie worked!
This is super helpful! Although what's driving me insane right now is trying to learn how to do this on multiple fronts (family, housing, work) while being stuck in survival mode 😩
I understand that survival mode - and on multiple simultaneous fronts it's a challenge. I hope things improve for you.
@@Autistic_AF thank you :)
Dude watching you on the panel was inspiring as hell - thank you for all you do!
Aww you’re so kind! 😊
It is crazy how people say that it seems they have to be always making ajdusments for autistic people but I have spent all my life as the sentence said “making neurotipicals happy”, and thinking I am the one who “is wrong”. How can someone be wrong abt themselfs? I am just recovering from a terrible experience this weekend where I overworked (literally 24h straight) and was still told why I was leaving (it ends up a family member of mine was in the hospital) I had just a deep meltdown - u had spent the day pushing over boundaries to give my time as a volunteer to help the community.
Very heavy topic because most people struggle with boundaries being on the receiving end and giving end final
How's this for a boundary? "I will not interact with any person or group that uses coercion to gain my obedience"
3:00 withholding food as punishment is against the Geneva convention, and is considered a war crime / crime against humanity. If you were subjected to it as a child (I was) make no mistake: You were abused. Even if your mother relented. The threat of withholding food is a existential threat to a dependent child or prisoner. It uses fear of hunger / starvation as a coercive tactic to gain obedience. It's a death threat no different than mock execution in it's intent. It's meant intimidate and subjugate:
"Withholding food, as a means of warfare, is prohibited under the Geneva Conventions.
Article 23 of the 1949 Geneva Convention IV states: “The Parties to the conflict shall endeavour to avoid, and shall be prohibited from ordering that there be, any employment of methods or means of warfare which may cause unnecessary suffering or which may be deemed to be unjustifiable, hence inhuman.”
Protocol I of the 1977 Geneva Conventions further clarifies that “the use of starvation as a method of warfare is prohibited.” This protocol also prohibits the destruction of food stocks or the interruption of food supply lines, which can lead to starvation.
The International Committee of the Red Cross (ICRC) has also emphasized that withholding food is a violation of the Geneva Conventions. The ICRC has stated that “the prohibition on using starvation as a method of warfare is a fundamental principle of international humanitarian law.”
Examples of Withholding Food as a Violation of the Geneva Convention
The 2005 UN report on the situation in Iraq, which accused US troops of starving Iraqi civilians, is an example of withholding food as a violation of the Geneva Convention.
The use of economic sanctions, which can lead to food shortages and starvation, is also considered a violation of the Geneva Convention.
Conclusion
Withholding food is a serious violation of the Geneva Conventions and international humanitarian law. It is prohibited under the 1949 Geneva Convention IV and the 1977 Geneva Conventions, and is considered a grave breach of the law. The International Committee of the Red Cross and other organizations have emphasized the importance of respecting the prohibition on withholding food as a means of warfare"
It's beyond the pale, and should NEVER be used - even in war - much less as a "common" child rearing / disciplinary method.
Thanks for posting this content. Interpersonal boundaries (Rules) and their establishment, communication, and enforcement are critical aspects of all relationships, familial, interpersonal, employment, or romantic. Coercion and threats have no place in them, yet coercion and threats are all too common as you pointed out with the abusive parenting tactic of withholding food from children. I've come to believe that one of the biggest problems neurotypical people have with autistic and ADHD nuerotypes is our inability to conform to social expectations. This is generally framed as "disobedience" in children. It's consequences are child abuse, exploitation, and trauma, once again proving that autism isn't the problem - neurotypical dominance, bullying, and abuse attempting to enforce unilateral conformity are.
It needs to stop. Until it does, autistic people are best served by avoiding interacting with such abusive people. Withdrawing from social interactions with monsters isn't pathological. It's a way of establishing autonomy by enforcing the rule that:
"I will not interact with any person or group that uses coercion to gain my obedience"
Wow, that was a hard crowd to work with, what a twonk. You kept very calm (on the outside!)
Aww, thank you! Yeah, it's hard and I don't enjoy looking back and watching myself. I look and sound weird! 😱
@@Autistic_AF One man's weird is another Anne's cool 🤙
@@dancecommando I'm thankful for that!
@@Autistic_AF, I thought you handled it well. It's too bad the room wasn't equipped with an ejection seat to disarm disingenuous, negative people like that.
@@Autistic_AF That Elvis joke was a stroke of genius.
You had the best seating backdrop for that panel discussion…smack in the middle of the sun like your points we’re going to be on fire 😂
Thank you, Ashley! Hahaha I hadn't thought about that! -Mike
Thank you as there was lots of great information, suggestions and examples here.
Sadly the "Wait" option does not work for me. I have had many situations where I have tried this but it takes me so long to becme calm about it that the issue is past in all other eyes.
Example. A neighbour who cut down 40 trees on my property because the leaves were falling on their parking lot every Fall "making for slippery conditions when wet". I was taking a 3 day vacation. 4 months later, I was still unable to think about this event without immediately thinking violent thoughts. By the time I was able to think calmly and talk rationally about the murder of my 40 trees and all the life that lived there, everyone else had forgotten those trees existed.
Overall great tips❤️👍
Oh, that is terrible. I don't think I could be rational about that. My heart bleeds for you.😢
That’s awful. Can you replant at all? 🌳 🌴
@@Autistic_AF thank you for your kindness but that example was from the 90's. I no longer own any land to replant.❤️
I don't know how you got through that speech but all I can say is well done, my brain would have switched off. 😂 I have set a lot of extra boundaries this last 3 years. Definitely a valuable tool. 😊
I can’t believe only one person seemed to enjoy your Elvis comment! 😅 Good tension breaker, Mike!
Well, coming home to this video after spending 4 days in hospital coming to terms with the fact that I need to set and enforce some very specific boundaries with my maternal unit seems a bit serendipitous! I'm going to take the rest of today to reassure my dog I'm not going anywhere and I figure out how to work everything so I hopefully don't get cut off in the backlash. I do know thats a possibility though, and I'm emotionally as ready as I can be for it.
Love your perspectives and your initiative and willingness to put yourself up front on stage for that panel!
You were endearing, we are so hyper-critical of ourselves. Pointing out and acknowledging your autistic traits would be helpful for those who do not recognize them and factor their necessity and relevance to bringing yourself to the event to contribute. Well done!
Great video !!!!👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Aww, thank you! It feels strange watching yourself, yet alone annotating a video... you just don't know how it will be received! I'm glad you think it's helpful -- me too, hopefully! -M 🧡
This helps me immensely, can you do one on dealing with narcissists?
In a way, this video was written about NPD/Narcissists, as their traits tend to push boundaries. But yes, I certainly will, thank you for the suggestion. It's on the list!
Trying to balance boundaries with food police who may be dealing with senior issues under own work & financial struggles, trying to enjoy meals and time with them
Just a note: it is difficult to read white text on a whitish background (referencing 1:22)
You're absolutely right! The rest of the text on the video is much easier to read. -Mike
An excellent video, I can't hear enough about this subject as I am constantly struggling with setting up boundaries or realising that I'm being taken advantage of.
Hi Stephanie, that’s part of the problem… realising that the other person is so far beyond the original boundary line that it becomes much harder (or impossible) to reinforce.
Yey I love Johny English XD
Nice clip
Me too. The James Bond we deserve.
had the SAS video on my front page a day or to agao lol.
the algorithm works in mysterious ways
Oooo, I didn't see a video - it was an article from "Forces News" that I was reading. Interesting how TH-cam links up these things!
This video comes at an opportune time for me. I'm on a jury for a serious crime and I need to remain calm and constructive with some others who are emotional when they need a little more rationality. Also I'm (far too late) giving up on my current relationship with the company that sells my products and have to find new relationships and/or products. I've been being taken advantage of for years without proper compensation and I just need to move on. It's not natural for me to actively navigate my life :)
Jury for Karen Read? 🤷♀️. Hope not…. It’s been brutal for the jury to endure from what I can discern. I would be dying due to space and privacy and sensory challenges with jury duty. Good luck to you on all fronts. Mike is great and calming.
Oh dear! You’ve got this. People like us are needed on juries too. Maybe consider telling the staff you need certain accommodations. There’s a high chance that they’ll oblige. -Mike
I rely on someone for support/survival, someone who is aggressively NPD. I'm not allowed to have boundaries of any kind. Because if I try to develop some, I get evicted. It happens every few years, and it's like she hits a reset button on my life every time. But no one else can help, or is willing to, so I'm stuck with her. I'm 43 years old, and have basically given up pushing back at this point.
It's been dawning on me that this is defo a major factor in why I have issues with setting boundaries, building self-worth/confidence, not to mention my self-destructive penchant for fawning behavior. I want to feel hopeful for the future, but there's no way to get clear of this without alternative support structures, and where I live there are none. Might sound absurd, but I'll take living with an abusive narcissist to sleeping outside with the mosquitos any day. I know from experience that the homelessness is worse, and far more traumatic.
Is why I refer to my living situation as a gilded cage. It seems really fancy from the outside looking in. I get shelter/food, and don't have to hold a job (as long as I OBEY). The only price I pay for this "luxurious" lifestyle is: my autonomy, my personhood, my ability to make choices/set boundaries, my ability to regulate my own moods, my sanity, my physical/mental health, and very likely a shortened lifespan.
Not exactly an equitable exchange, but it's not like I have any other options if I want to keep breathing.
Apologies for the trauma dump. Vids like this are informative and validating, and I appreciate them greatly, but they can trigger a rush of emotions sometimes.
Granted, I could just delete the comment, but I think it'll be helpful to have a reminder of my shameful behavior. With luck the embarrassment will stay my hand next time. 😑
I hope things improve for you, and you find a way out if that’s what you want. 🧡
@@Autistic_AF Well not for lack of trying, but it's hard to plan ahead when locked in a cycle (am and will continue to try tho).
For what it's worth, I appreciate the kind words of support. Thank you. It means a lot. :)
I enjoyed watching this video. Did that sound like too much fawning? I'll never know. Oh well, the truth is I simply enjoyed watching this video.
Fawning by way of appeasement, I don't think so!, I think it's just a nice comment! Thank you :) M
LOL. Appeasement. Nothing agains peas, but I'm more of a spearmint kind of person.
nucleus accumbens: "noo•klee•us uh•come•Ben's"
Also, 9PM is always at night.
Also: climate change. That is all.
Felt you on the panel mate, like a mirror of myself (alas, less articulate). Offtopic (sort of): Are you familiar with the 36 Chinese Strategemes?
I’ve been saying for a while that housing is the biggest way bullies manipulate vulnerable people. I lived with controlling manipulators until I was 32 to be housed (and, towards the end, so my child would also be housed and cared for).
My brother the transformer for an electric train set. He soldered tow wires to metal coat have and attached the wires to the transformer. So he would go into his room put the coat on on the metal door knob then flipped the switch on the transformer. Anyone touching the door handle got good shock. That never stopped our father but it did impress him after the shock kicking door frame out the wall. My brother good less in framing a door and drywall work after that.
biggest problem with communicating boundaries the communication problem. I can be very clear in my communication yet others don't receive it clearly but think they do only they get it wrong. Then I take their actions as communication wrongly too as in my mind I told them clearly.
ALAB!
I had a feeling you'd say that!
Asigned landlord at birth
@@General_Otter Like the monarchy!
It's All Landlords Are.... But yours is just as funny 😂
@@General_Otter That's actually quite true, honestly.
✌🏼🙋🏻♀️
We're holding a Climate & Nature hustings tomorrow evening - I hope I have as much patience as you did if we get deniers coming!!
I hope it goes well for you, Laura! 🌱
@@Autistic_AF Thank you!
😀
8:11 this scared the fuck out of me lol! what did that say?
Very difficult subject to unpack! Surprised 😮 I’ve only run into scientists typically who have read Shubin books. Did you read the other two? Behavior biology ecoevo bio, epigenetics :) epistem :) take care Mike have a fabulous Sunday :
Just, ‘Your Inner Fish’ :) what are the other books like? Have you read them? 🧡
@@Autistic_AF yes I have read all three :) I especially liked the last one some assembly required and also loved the universe within. I’m currently studying evo-Eco biology. That book is much more difficult as it’s an actual textbook on the subject by Carl Bergstrom and Lee Dugatkin called evolution.
Off topic, but... What shoes are you wearing in that climate change clip? I can tell they're New Balance, but do you remember which specific style? They look way more comfortable than the ones I have.
New Balance… can’t recall the model number, sorry!
860v?
I think I found them. Thanks!
I am a PERSON with autism.
People just don't like to respect others personal boundaries.