When I asked my date about his best female friend, a guy I've been talking to for 3 weeks and dated once, I asked him about his perspective on what that means and what kind of activities they do together because having a date with a guy who has a best gf is my first time. To an innocent question he answered defensively with: my best friend is the most important woman in my life, my friendship with her will not be a discussion. I am tempted not to keep dating him just because of that reaction alone
I hope you followed your good sense. I was married to one that had such a good friend. In the end, he even confessed to having had an ab#rtion with her abroad and without the knowledge of her then bf now husband, but never confessed to being the father. Lies over lies. I take my part on this, I wanted to believe the words because I am not a liar, but I will never fall for this again. All the signs were there and there are liars.
@@Elleefedois-ir1ug i'm sorry you had to go through that. but this is the reason anyone who acts like I am unreasonable for not liking him to have a best girlfriend, is either gaslighting or not emotionally mature enough. I think the reasons are obvious
look the situation goes like this. If they have opposite sex friends and you don't want that if you are in a relationship you must make him want a relationship with you and not you asking for it. When he asks for the relationship then you set the boundaries then or no relationship. You can't accept it then deny it after you are together unless she does something that causes you to not trust her motives.
Thank you so much for this, i am literally having an anxiety attack because i have been dealing with this type of insecurity for over 6 months. My guy has 2 guy friends and at least 10 lady friends and I can't make myself trust him consistently
Trust him. what do you have to lose? A relationship with a potentially great guy. If you think he's cheating, if you think he's being secretive then dump him but if you have no signs of that then TRUST HIM. Insecurity breeds resentment. I'm also one of those guys, I have mostly female friends that I love and care for and they're fun to be around. I also have an amazing girlfriend who is trusting as I am with her. You can't control other people, you can't dictate who they're friends with.
The problem is how close the friendship is. If they talk to each other very often, they see each other one or twice a week.. One of them has ALWAYS secret intentions. Maybe not from the begining, but it ends ups becoming something else for one of them ALWAYS. I have been the girlfriend and the friend, and from my experience in both situations my advice is: 1. It's okay to still have female friends, but involve your gf from the start. If your friend wants to have a coffee with you, then bring your gf (at least from time to time). 2. DONT hide when your friend calls you. 3. Be CLEAR with your gf about why you prefer her, why you are in love with her and NOT with your friend. Reasons!! Women need to hear and to understand why. 4. Distance yourself a little bit from your friend.. if you are serious enough in your love relationship, then your gf has to become your "new best friend", you are supposed to want to spend most of your time with her, the person you want to laugh with.. otherwise, she is not right for you.
I have had horrible experience regarding this . First he told me she was just his friend , then I got to know they used to like each other once upon a time but parted ways because she rejected him . Then I got to know she wanted him back but he was with me . She used to call him at ungodly hours like 1 am to talk about her personal issues and he used to entertain that . I was accused of being insecure . It was a crazy ride but I am glad it’s over . After a few months of this insanity I dumped him . Supposedly now he has stopped talking to his “best friend “ …. Who cares… I have moved on in my life with an amazing man and we are getting married soon 💍❤️
I'm the friend in this scenario. And I work very hard to make sure that my best friends girlfriend is included and aware of everything going on. Its important to me that she knows I respect their relationship and any boundaries that need to be set up. That's between them and I follow them.
Lindsey C. You are very respectful, and I have a male MARRIED friend, whose wife despised me. I took it upon myself to invite her to everything, and become her friend too because I wanted her to know I respect her and I wanted to be her friend too...The effort not only got me and my fiance invited to Thanksgiving dinner, but I gained a new friend.
Every time I've heard "She's just a friend" it turned out she was much more than a friend. Even if it started out as a friendship, depending on how close they get, it becomes more.
I don't think the romantic type of love is special. And I am started to think that the romantic type of love isn't real. I mean about more than half of romantic couples either break up with each other or divorce each other, while most platonic best friends remain friends until death. I think that having a platonic best friend is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse is. Having someone who's like a sibling to you is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse. Also, you are more likely to be much more closer to someone who's like a brother or sister to you than you would be with a romantic partner or spouse.
Yes, "Just a friend" that goes back years is what I was told. Now he has told me he was infatuated with her, even when he was married and has her name tattood on his arm. He was still flirting by text with her and when I got upset he deleted the messages and he told me he hasn't spoken to her since. He told me he had deleted her photo off his phone ( which also was her LinkedIn photo and oddly enough she has at the very same time, taken that photo off LinkedIn) Do you think he colluded with her to hide and delete things from me? Hence, I feel betrayed
I, as a female, don't mind that. since I don't have guy friends. And my relationship with my male acquaintances is very professional and university/work related only. We're not involved in each others lives to the point we can't stop being parts of it. If I find a man that I think seriously about, I will drop anything that will threat that relationship. Simple as this.
Whoa, well all according to your needs i guess. Probably will find a man that shares your view. I myself has mostly only female friends, so since I'm allowed to hang around with them I feel that it is only fair that my girl hangs with other dudes too. Sure I voiced my opinion about 'some' of the guys just like she voiced about 'some' of the girls I know, but we sorted it out by doing the only right thing imo; talking about it and hearing each others point without becoming angry. Uncertainty/jealousy can be destructive emotions in a relationship if one lets it fester inside. Anyways, I'm digressing. Anyways, good luck finding your soulmate
I had no rules for my boyfriend and his female best friend is now his girlfriend. It has really messed with my confidence... :/ He obviously was not the right man for me.
Lauren Green it's simple biology… Males and females, if they are so attracted to each other to be close friends, will eventually be attracted sexually.
the problem is that girl friends get too comfortable with their male friend and often possessive. They are often trying to show you how well they know him and how she's been longer in his life than you
I have had her tell me that she knows him better. I have been made frequently aware by both of them about how long they have been friends. I talked to him about how bad those statements are to my insecurities and how she doesn't know him better, she knows him differently. He agreed. So things have been going pretty well between us. She has not reached out to me at all, so I assume he told her my concerns and she is not happy.
Depends on the friendship. I'm with a guy who's had a female friend for over 30 years. I dont think anything is going on. Honestly theyve had enough time to do anything if they wanted to.
I broke up with my ex because he wanted to convince me there were no problem him to travel to London to visit a female friend and stays at her place. I’m no fool.
Probably was the best for your ex. I come to a point where I have to say " this is my best friend, tell me if this gonna be a problem" sad: they used say "is not a problem" but after is a problem , my friend say "maybe we have to take distance" but in the end, we are friends 15 years ago, she care me when I was in my worst time, was there when my mom die, is my family or more important. Girl I'm just meet is not in the same league of this person. Sounds insane to me. Like: "nos conocemos desde hace 3 meses, pero necesito que dejes de hablarle a tu hermana si quieres seguir conmigo" insane
@ I hope he is okay, I just don’t ever want to see him again. I am in a happy relationship where my partner cares for me first. Looking back I am happy I dodged this bullet.
0:55 there is a difference between different sexes 1:26 the difference: the possibility creates the thought of threat 1:43 example / protect & respect you 2:25 two solutions: transparency & involvement 3:45 your responsibility / boundaries / long term mindset 4:38 rebellion & respect 5:20 individual rules (sustainable & kind) 6:27 create your rules with respect & trust 7:24 what you could say Enjoy. J. :)
I hate being in this situation. I understand the fact that I should trust him but I don't trust his friend at all and though she invited me and my bf involved me in their "hanging out together or dinner at weekends ", I try to make a good face but can't see them so close together even if they are doing nothing wrong...I also can't bear their "friendly" hug.. I end up being frustrated everytime and things got worse...Because I dont want to spend time with them and I also can't stay calm when they are together...It just eats me up.
If it just a friend and they are doing nothing wrong (by the way, it is not wrong to hug your friends female or male), then you got a psychological problem about it and need help to solve it. But if they are doing something wrong and suspicious, then it is only a normal to be alarmed.
I agree that there is always the possibility and potential for emotionally cheating. They don't have to be sexual feelings, but a certain amount of loyalty, affection, and endearment is taken from the significant other with an opposite sex best friend. It's just best to set up your life to eliminate this type of confusion in the first place.
I’ve had this happen in my marriage multiple times. I have expressed to him over and over again how I don’t like him getting close to other females because he ends up telling them about our issues.
So not dating a guy who is secure enough to not limit his experiences of friendship with just male friends. It's cool if you can't put up with it, but I don't see it as a lack of assertiveness or them somehow not being aware they are getting into that position. Guys know and are aware. I don't see where lack of assertiveness fits when they're active participants.
Anytime that I have been in a situation where I have dated a man with a female best friend, it has never ended well. I find some men will pit women against eachother and/or create doubt in him through disregarding my feelings. I won't date a man with a female best friend.
Some men will engage in a psychologically abusive tactic called "triangulation", that pits you against another woman. They get attention and ego-stroking from it. I will never again date a man with a female best friend.
Looked at my male friendships a few years ago and realized they were all just guys I’d friendzoned over time. I was keeping them at a distance, but I was keeping them. Their role in my life was to sustain my ego. I was definitely insecure and definitely still am (just smarter about my self-care these days). I started seeing a man romantically those years ago. His previous girlfriend had cheated on him and so he was super sensitive to “guy friends” and things. Social media didn’t help. And I never took that step to protect his ego. He deserved that from me, but I was basking in all the constant validation. I didn’t slow down and come to his level, really. I wasn’t good for him back then but GIRL have I learned. I let go of those male friendships because 1. They weren’t actually built on friendship and 2. I don’t need (straight) guy friends! I have girl friends, and that’s always been enough. In my experience, two people of opposing genders can indeed be friends, but I personally just don’t bring guy friends into my close circle anymore. They can stay in the Acquaintance ring. If I were my boyfriend, I’d feel super comfortable in that dynamic :) And I (again, personally) don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything.
It's true, we all have different boundaries. For me, dating a woman that has plenty of male friends it's a deal-breaker. Finding out she still talks with her ex it's also not a good sign. You can be mature and handle things differently. But don't fool yourself. Trust your guts. She/He may still want to hook up with an ex or have options to hook up when she feels blue or lonely. Be careful, pay attention. If he/she doesn't respect you, walk away.
Some one said "she deserves the best and I can't see her with anyone else. So, I become the best" Only a mature and emotionally available men would understand this content of this video. I don't have an issue with my significant other having friends of the opposite sex. I do have an issue when I don't know about them and I am not part of the equation. 1+1=2 NOT 1+1=3 honesty, transparency, trust, respect is the key to have a loving and long lasting relationship.
I completely agree with this! My boundary is just that I don’t want the guy I’m dating to be alone with one of his friends that are a girl. If he’s going to hangout with a girl it can be in a group or I can also be there. One on one can definitely develop into something else later on...
This is huge for me too!! That’s the boundary I have, but I’m ngl I still worry so so so much! I know I’ve got a lot of healing to do bc of trauma and trust issues, not of my partner, but of the opposite sex and their intentions.
Just because he involves you still doesn’t necessarily make it ok. It can create a “3rd wheel” awkward situation. And who really wants to have to see 1st hand “the friendship” happening? I think at the very least it’s disrespectful no matter how “platonic” they say it is. 🤭
😂 super weird!! We “stumbled” on them once (the wife, her hubby and his cousin).. midway through my fiancé realized how uncomfortable I was.. whatever they talked wasn’t something including anyone on the table.. I’ve instantly connected with the 2 guys but the girl friend didn’t even make an effort to be nice to me. I said to him, might not be anything but she wasn’t friendly to me.. imo that’s a red flag. Hey I like your man, I want to keep our friendship but you’re not welcome? 😂 hell no!
If he is loyal to his gf/wife, he won't cheat but there will be questions in his mind like "how could it be if we were together" and then he says "awh don't be stupid she's just my friend" but he knows that there's a possibility even if he denies himself. And that possibility makes him be distracted.Also he could be comparing his female friends to her girlfriend unintentionally. And again, he will feel distracted and confused but he won't know the reason for it. He will feel colder to his partner and find her behaviours more disturbing.
I so appreciate you addressing this issue from this perspective Matthew, ie. protecting the relationship, making your partner feel safe/secure. I would agree 100% about transparency and involvement. In my own experience, feeling like I'm on the outside, not being included and feeling like those friendships are intentionally kept separate doesn't breed trust. I don't hear very many people discuss jealousy in this way. Usually the jealous person is criticized for being insecure without examining relational dynamics. Putting the relationship first and creating security for each other is so, so paramount ❤
this kind of thing needs to have a limit. I personally never had a guy friend who wasn’t interested in me or I wasn’t interested in them. Friendship attraction goes beyond just sexual/physical attraction and i think it’s a natural, subconscious thing that when our opposite sex friends get a partner we feel a little competitive. Almost like a challenge to test where we actually stand in that person’s mind. I would never let me man be with a woman ALONE more than a few times and who has to text him everyday. Unless they’re not each other’s type or she is also dating
"I'm never going to miss the opportunity to make a video for you - I'm never going to let you down" - thank you for reminding us of the kind of things that quality, solid men say to women!
Apparently these days, relationship is about giving space. Its about believing that your boyfriend will have multiple platonic relationships with multiple girls, including exes. And you have to be content if he chooses them over you, if he doesn't mention what they do together, if you have no idea what they are talking about, if he doesn't make an effort to make you familiar with them, if you feel like your boyfriend is a whole new person visibly dying for their attention, you just have to remember their relationship is platonic, and that justifies everything. Their late night conversations, random meetings, endless chats topped with you having no idea about it, everything is justified- because they are best friends. And the day you wake up to find they are in a relationship now and you have been chucked out, even then you have to be content, because people will say you were the fool here, you didn't draw a line.
Yeah you are all right . My bf will talk intimately with other female friends and people will say you are insecure, jeolous, possesive etc... Like think how will he feel if I do the same
I've been the best friend in two scenarios and that's not always true. The first one I had no hidden intentions. The second one I also had no hidden intentions. The only difference is that the intentions were hidden from me. I was shut out of one of my best friend's lives because her almost husband didn't like me. At the time that was a terrible thing. But when I met her years later at a wedding and she was fat and I talked to her, I realized that we had something that was beyond just physical. I also realized that I had intentions I wasn't aware of and at that moment I was thankful that her demon boyfriend/husband (because he is and they are no longer together) saw that I may have wanted more. I would've been that person and I may not have felt bad because he is a villain of person. But I rather not be someone that gets someone that way. Ever.
I don't think I want to date men with "woman friends". Yeah it's possible but usually it's more than friends or the desire for more. I just dumped my boyfriend because my best friend and him were flirting. It was honestly disgusting and I see them as trash. I was so shocked by their utter lack of regard for my feeling and I really have no interest in knowing either of them. I can't simply walk away from the friend because we have a mutual social group but I will avoid her from now on.
I sent this video to my bf because we were struggling in this area of our relationship. Your message really resonated with us and improved our bond! Thank you Matthew ❤️
I had my boyfriend listen to your video and he really finally understood my side. Thank you for helping us💛. You really have a special gift, very articulate. ☺️
Nola Chen That's saying a lot about you. It just might be a good thing to figure what had led to this feeling, this insecurity you have. Because chances are that the same fear, insecurity or whatever it is, stops you from being with a man you want to be with and even affects you in other area's of you're life. Good luck.
If you're a straight man and your platonic friendship with a woman doesn't feel identical to a friendship you have with a gay man (e.g. If you don't find her sexually repulsive -- can still be attractive, but sexually repulsive), then that person isn't your friend. They're a standby.
So straight men can be friends with gay people because they’re “sexually repulsed” by them? Wtf dude. Being straight does not equal being homophobic. Get the fuck outta here with that shit
@L K It's perfectly normal to be repulsed by gay sex if you're a straight person, just as it's perfectly normal to have a gag reaction to seeing straight people have sex. There's nothing homophobic about innate, biological responses. It's not learned behavior to be repulsed by the smell of rotting flesh. You're simply repulsed by the smell of rotting flesh. You can *absolutely* quell and become better accustomed to the smell of rotting flesh, but that's a psychological effort. It's likely fewer gay persons are repulsed by hetero sex because they've seen it on display their entire lives. But there's nothing negative about being inherently, biologically repulsed by something that doesn't adhere to your biological instincts.
This is excellent. As a woman who has been happily married for decades and whose best friend is male, these two principles are what I live by and are how my husband knows he is loved and secure in our marriage. This information is so much better than most advice on the subject. Respect and transparency and demonstrating that my husband is always my priority are the keys.
I believe this video also applies to men whose partners are friends with their ex's. It makes so much sense about protecting the ego and having transparency.
Thank you. My ex said I was completely in the wrong to be annoyed he arranged to meet a female friend (former person he dated) when I was at work to go for a walk with her dog, also only dropped it in the conversation 24 hours beforehand and had known for a week. You have made me realise he never took into consideration my feelings at all.
i can resonate... jst that my situation has been different. in my case... my bf and his ex are high school friends...nd then they got in a relationship. They broke up later and resumed being platonic friends again since they belonged to the same group ! 🙄 Also to mention he had lot of their pictures together still up on Social Media...hanging out in group...but all of those exhibited them intimately together. After I talked to him abt it and how it made me feel, he took them down. But, they had to meet each other on occasions and twice he was not completely transparent to me about it. As time passed, there were still many aspects of them together like Tweets, Comments, Posts up on Social platforms(though from the past but it was still up there). He also started having problems when I expressed him that how it all bothered me. He just wanted me to trust him that way and not bother myself about all of these.
My ex was always telling me I was insecure, but he never acknowledged that he was the reason why. I caught him trying to cheat so many times and often when he'd invite me out, he would be hitting on other women. He's finally out of my life, but his narcissism and those years of gaslighting still have me shell shocked and terrified to date again.
You have explained this so well. I did the same thing you have explained, although I hadn't watched this video, but it really helped a lot. And for anyone reading this, what he just explained is the mantra: you all need to be more clear while communicating your feelings towards your partner instead of avoiding the topic. The more you avoid, the more uncomfortable the relationship gets.
I was upset about this whole situation but then while watching this I realized I went from watching your “does he like me?” Videos to your “dating” videos and now watching your relationship advice videos. Lol you’ve been inadvertently coaching me through all this. So thanks! Haha
Then he cares more about her, he loves her more, so he's in some way "lying" to you. You deserve better, someone honest and with a good heart. In other words: a real man who knows how to treat HIS woman.💖
@@canariiaaaa im in deep pain right now. That feeling tho, im getting birth with our baby soon but at some point he cheated on me. His with her girlbestfriend now. So sad but I have to accept and turn my fear into strength. 😌
@@hannahgracelingcopines7073 for sure. Be strong, for yourself and for the baby 💪💖. But I think you should talk to him anyway, and tell him (without too much drama, maybe he runs away from that and that may be the reason why he first fix the situation with his friend, because some men hate "drama" and discussions with their girlfriend, they dont understand it's because we are in pain), tell him he is hurting you, and as a team you are together, you want him to priorise you. (Sorry for my english, im from Spain. I hope everything is going to be ok for you 💖💪)
@@hannahgracelingcopines7073 wait, I think I misunderstood. Now he is with his friend?? As a couple?? If that is the case, thank God you discovered you were with such an a******, and dont worry, you will find someone who deserves you 💖, and everything will be fine with the baby, you will be a good reference for him/her 😊😊.
So I told him how’d he feel if I went out with a male friend and he said he doesn’t care because he trusts me. But I can’t get him to understand that it’s not the trust is more of the respect but he doesn’t grasp it and I don’t know how else or what example I can give home because everything is “ I don’t care, I don’t put mind to it or I trust you” like damn
I am the “girl friend” in this case. Met him when his marriage was already on the rocks and he wanted to get divorced. What started out as a friendly conversation and hanging out quickly became emotional and intimate. By the time I realised what’s happening I already started to have feelings for him. (Never been close to married men in any form so had no experience). Of course he lied to the wife and I was suffering from guilt and unrequited feelings. We still have an emotional connection and he wants to talk to me. After the divorce he immediately moved in with another woman. Don’t believe when men say they just want to be friends. They cannot keep boundaries at all. The fact that we didn’t have sex(could not do that,never done that to anyone) doesn’t mean there could not be feelings there. Everyone will think of his partner noone will think about you. Never again. I cut him off and don’t talk to him anymore.
This is such an enlightening video. So logical...& from a man's perspective. Some guys just persist on privacy & demand that you trust. But trust is earned. It is so hard to just go & trust somebody without having proof & experience to show that one can indeed be trusted. And sometimes something in my heart just can't accept things at face value.
Thank you Matthew. This video has been a huge relief and validation for me. I have often wondered if I am being unreasonable in expecting that someone whom I like should be open to me about his relationships with the opposite sex. Now I am happy to hear that it is essential for anyone who cares about us to actually show it by protecting not just our feelings but also our ego.
My ex had female friends all of which he admitted to either dating having crushes on at one point, etc and never introduced me to them and they would text and hang out making me feel left out. When I complained he said I was being drama and should trust him. Yet it was unacceptable for me to have guy friends or even men text me. It was amazing how he would get jealous but couldn’t put himself in my shoes or in my place when he is eating out with them or going to their houses or being their handyman. I asked numerous times to meet them and he said ok and never put it into motion. Ultimately it gave me so much anxiety wondering what they were talking about and whether or not he was attracted to them that I was crying all the time and finally left the relationship. Not to mention one of the women they referred to each other as “Babe” and “Love” by text and yet he expected me to believe they had no history other than friends. He couldn’t understand why I got angry and wanted to go home. He also stopped being affectionate with me or treating me like he had in the beginning which made me feel even less secure. It hurts because I loved him so much but I just felt like he didn’t care at all about my feelings, all that mattered were his. And when I broke up and hung out with a guy friend from high school his comment was “Nice hope you’re happy together”. So he would have never been able to tolerate me having guy friends like he had female friends which by the way were all single. Maybe someday he will be in a relationship with a woman who has single male friends she texts, hangs out with, goes to their house, and never introduces to him, and he will understand how I felt.
God! This exactly me in my marriage. You literally picked those words from my heart and put them here. I hope it gets better. Such overwhelming sense of betrayal I feel right now. I'm soo angry with myself that I stayed that long.
It's nice to say a guy should be transparent with his girlfriend about his female friend... but the reality is sometimes friends share private information that they may not want a third party privy to.... so as a man you must respect your friend's right to privacy... and his girlfriend needs to respect that as well ... not everything kept secret is a threat to their relationship
I was in a relationship with a person and there was a lot of trust. Several of my good friends were guys and his best friend was a girl. I knew this girl and had actually gone to school with her for years and never viewed her as a threat but then I discovered that he cheated on me with someone and later found out it was her. At the same time, I still don't see a problem with best friends of the opposite sex because I will not stop seeing my guy friends and spending time alone with them because they are family and I wouldn't expect my partner to either. There just needs to be trust. He had cheated before in other relationships so if it wasn't with his best friend (and the girl actually apologized and we are on good terms, he never did) it would have been with someone else.
Mars You, madame, got it! As a man I have similar stories (yes, multiple) I personally experienced. But I fully trust my current gf! Even though I know one of her best guy friends is in love with her and the other one wants to sleep with her (he asked her several times). It doesn't threaten me at all.
My bf has a female friend and he tells me he used to want a relationship with her. Ive meet her and she seems nice, but he has given me hand me downs from her, and says she was thinking about me and that they have deep conversations about her bf and myself and that I am always on his mind, and that she deserves a guy who is thoughtful of her, like he is to me.....hes told me they used to sleep in the same bed and he helped raise her kids,.. I am not a jealous person, but I dont want to listen to it Especially, cause im accused of cheating on him with every guy who is in my general vicinity breathing.....
You need to tell him this, there’s something quite not right sharing a bed. More the physical relations happening he should be shawring that emotional bond with you instead of accusing you.
What if you're in a long distance relationship and this is happening and it's his boss. I'm on the verge of letting go because I definitely don't want my feelings hurt.
It’s 10 times worst when they do it in long distance relationship at least of your in the same country you can talk it through, read his emotions and body language. You can’t do that with video calling. I had just gone away for 2 weeks and we nearly broke up. I’d let this guy slip, he obviously found a replacement girl to spend his time with.
I do not think it matters if women are confident or insecure, they have a right to ask questions and understand the relationship between their significant other and another woman. Especially if there is a new friendship going on. Lines of communication need to be made. Secret conversations or secret “friendships” can be a huge red flag. I feel like social media opens the door to be able to chat with new people and even if it’s innocent it can really betray the trust of your partner. Meaning, why would a man have conversations with another woman when their girl is in their life always open and available to talk to. I understand talking to new people with new points of view is a good thing, but not when it’s done in secret. If you can’t tell your girlfriend/or boyfriend you’re talking to someone else or building a friendship, you’re in the wrong. Something isn’t right and once it comes out, even if it’s innocent, trust is bruised.
I realize that this comment is a few years old, but I agree that trust and communication needs to be there 100%! This is exactly what's keeping me and my partner together now, though, I'd honestly be willing to admit that too much pride and ego has created more issues with trust for us in the past because that would lead to a lack of respect and emotional safety.
My boyfriend has a female friend that he looks at as a 'sister', and I've never had a partner who had as many or any female friends the way does...I want to trust him but I just get this weird feeling and so jealous. He introduced us right away, but it feels to me like he misses her and thinks of her often. Ps, I found this video helpful and intuitive but I just still just am not used to it.
Samantha Sendejas I am on the same exact boat! It's so frustrating. He considers her a sister and even gets along with her entire family. Hope all is best with your relationship
Samantha Sendejas lol I'm in the same position too. He did everything Matthew stated he needs to do. I trust him, I just feel like she may possibly have feelings for him
Cindy Diaz that's exactly the way he is with her. It's just so difficult, I've never had that kind of dynamic in any relationship. But I know he loves me, we spend practically every day together. We've talked about a future, but it's just weird and new for me. Thanks for responding.
Amanda Golson I hear you, he's really fine nothing to lose my trust either, I just get paranoid I guess. You know self esteem issues and the whole bit. But my friends tell me I should never feel in competition with any female. And it's true, I shouldn't feel like that. It's just different, hope everything works in your favor.
As a guy who makes friends slot easier with women than men you make some good point. An aspect of a great friendship has an element of attractiveness, keeping your partner comfortable about female friends is the guy's responsibility
+Rapunzel In A Skirt There is no such thing as "perfect" boyfriend or girlfriend. We are all humans, we make mistakes and we all have our own imperfection. But what makes a big difference betwee na great and a ok partner is whether they will learn from their mistake and willing to improve themselves and not stopping to educate themselves.
If a guy was a perfect boyfriend what makes you think he'd want to stay with you? Are you a perfect girlfriend? With such an entitled outlook such as you have shown I'm guessing you're not.
THANK YOU!! My phone must be listening because today I was talking on the phone with my bestfriend telling her how my BF having girl best friends makes me so jealous and I opened youtube a few hours later and on my _TH-cam Home_ was this video. And thanks to you I just realised my boyfriend IS transparent and DOES protect my ego. And that now it is I who has to work on my feelings towards his friendships. Thaaaaank you! Eye opening
But the big question is: can a deep friendship exists between men and women? What do you think? I personally think it may work for a while but sooner or later one of the two will start feeling more. At least, that's what happened to me so far...
+Claudia Emme i dissagree .. i've been best friends with a guy for a long time and there was never any romantic feelings envolved ... im not his type he is not my type and actually im the only girl in our friend group he hasnt hit on ... they might always be sexual jokes or compliments but nothing more than that ....also he resently started dating my cousin
+Mary ch i dont think that it really applies to woman as i know women tend to take care of the boundaries when it comes to friendship especially if she has a bf. But men are not like that. I dont think my boyfriend needs to have female best friend if he has me. I mean im fine if he knows this girl far before he knew me what bothers me if he just knew this girl and started to chat with her regularly and even deleting previous message. Idk but im just protecting myself from broken heart as this could lead to emotionally infidelity even he doesnt realise. At least, thats what happened to me last week.
Forte Astro what really pisses me off is that none of you are showing any empathy for bi people. Are they just fucking not allowed to have close friends outside of their romantic relationships?
I liked the way you explained this. I would say that at least in a marriage one shouldn't have friends of the opposite sex. To a married couple, I am friends with the couple.
Matthew would you feel comfortable if your wife or girlfriend was texting or hanging out with an ex lover or a very close male friend? I wonder how a man would feel? It seems there is pressure for women to be flexible on this but not the man. My friend was flexible and her once faithful husband ended up sleeping with the female friend, trust is important but even faithful men or women have been known to fall into temptation. I believe having respect for each others feelings is very important. Hanging out as a group is one thing but alone I sure would not feel comfortable.
My ex never once included me in any of his social activities or introduced me to his female friend(s) - that part of his life was kept entirely apart from me. He emphasised how important these people & his social life were to him while complaining that I took up too much of his time - that he should be spending with them. I feel a huge amount of shame that instead of leaving him immediately this became apparant I tried to figure out where I was going wrong. Trying to explain how I felt resulted in me being told I was needy & controlling etc. Needless to add the (so called) relationship didn't last.
Have you been dating the same guy as me? Going through this right now... I have felt so heartbroken for weeks because he keeps on saying you have to trust me but yet I’m not allowed to know their names as he accuses me of questioning him if I ask. This is giving me a massive anxiety and trust issues. I never thought I would find myself in a toxic relationship and here I am crying my eyes out over a guy... 😭😭
@@AmericanDreamer OMG yes, yes I left shortly after. And guess what..... the girl who was just a 'friend' ended up being his girlfriend in the end after we broke up (by breaking up I mean - he hanged up on me in a hissy fit because he mentioned he was taking a friend to the seaside and I had the audacity to ask who :) - I took the high road and we never spoke again) and yes he was taking HER to the seaside hahahahahaha! the relationship with this girl lasted maybe 5 months. hahahahaha! And he told my best friend (who was his friend once - they don't talk as she took my side) that he made a mistake because she didn't love him and was using him. Since then he had multiple 'girlfriends' and I am much better listening to my intuition. Female intuition is a THING, whenever you feel something is not right, it probably isn't.
I want specifically thank you for this video. I have come out of the relationships, where my partner was not protecting me and priotizing me and our relationships over his involvement with other ladies. It was major problem, I became controlling, and ended up breaking that relationship up because I had become a shadow of that bubbly person I used to be. Because of that, I have carried some insecurities about myself and some questions I may want to talk with my partner, and this video gave me security to trust my gut and right to have that conversation. Without being controlling or bitchy, of course.
My problem is not that I don't trust my boyfriend, but trusting those girlfriends of his... That's another story. Even though my boyfriend wouldn't do anything suspicious, I can never know what those girls might do. They are so open (not only in that good, healthy way, but I don't know the right word for this...) and "free-minded" that I sometimes get scared what might happen. I don't like the idea of them suddenly just ripping their clothes off while being too drunk, sitting on my boyfriends lap and putting their arms around his neck (this has actually happened and it hurt sooooo much!) or grabbing his private parts or something. I have told this to my boyfriend, but I didn't want to tell him not to see them again or something (since they are so scarily close) but I hope he understood my point. I don't want to be that girlfriend who tries to rule her man and keep him on a short leash. If he wants to be with me or stay loyal to me, then he will, if he doesn't, there's no point for me to try to force him. I love him to bits but I don't want to scare him away with demands and rules. Thank you for your videos! They are amazing. I wish more men were like you are
Heli wow I'm so sorry! I had a similar situation with my ex, I trusted him but he had a few crazy bitchy female friends who kept trying to act inappropriate with him. we eventually broke up bc of it even though he never acted shady, I was just tired of the drama & his friends disrespecting me
You mean I should try to make my boyfriend leave this group of friends and find another one? I don't think that's even possible, not to mention really big thing to ask of someone... We should move far away and these days even that doesn't stop people from communicating and visiting each other (that could make things even worse, if those people came to our place or my bf would go visit them and spend the nights with them.). And moving away isn't an option for us right now. But I know he wouldn't do that. He wouldn't stop connecting with people he has known since childhood (one of these girls actually lived next door to him as a child, they were born four days apart and been friends ever since). He wouldn't leave his bands (three of them), which he has with those people, music and playing is his life. If there is something in this equation he would get rid of, it would be me.
Heli I dont mean to offend you but you need to make it clear to him that you are not comfortable how his friends acts around him especially after being so inappropriate. I went through the same situation that included a perverted cousin of his too and made it clear to him even after knowing how insecure I get about his friends and his cousin so its either he tells them how its not right and he wants to maintain a appropriate distance and protect my feelings too or he can just leave cause I would rather be with someone who would hear me out and respect my feelings. I mean I cant ask him to cut off his family members or close friends but he can be bold and ask them to maintain themselves. Hope it makes sense. 2 years and 6 months and still going stronge. You should not let your fear of losing him over not talking about ur insecurities slowly kill you inside Sorry again if I have offended you cause every relationship is different. Hope you have a great love life. ❤
I still think it's inappropriate for a man or woman who is in a committed relationship, regardless if they are married, to be hanging out alone with a person of the opposite sex. Just my opinion. The problem happens when we don't make our boundaries clear.
I don't agree that a boyfriend of mine has other women who are "friends". these relationships take away from the actual feelings between you and "him". If he wants friendships with other women this is a red flag for me and it isn't insecurity. See if he goes along with my having men who are friends???????Time to move on??????
Tbh I have thoery that if we are botherd with most of the things our partners do is because we are dating the wrong person. People who are right for each other don't have many problems.
WORD! Thanks for the honest video. People need to see this!! Only managed to see this video eons after my own relationship failed due to the inability to meet eye to eye amongst the boundaries that needed to be created. Both party's responsibility is great in the relationship and you nailed it by coming out from both perspectives. Doing a great job there!
No need for an anology. A man and a woman can never be friends unless they're absolutely repulsed by eachother. But then again, why would they be friends at that point? They'd rather be friends with the same gender. So please never question this again cuz NO THEY CAN'T BE FRIENDS!!!
Love this video - I'll show it to my BF having friends even being friends with an ex - as you say transparency and envolvement makes it less a threat... also thanks for what I can do about it for myself.
My situation in this topic is a difficult one to put in its place. My boyfriend has a female best friend. She sleeps over his house on weekends maybe once a month to do her laundry and spend time there. He involves me with her but I get subtle signs that she is annoyed that he has a girlfriend. My very first time away with him, she came along and since we just started dated I had my own room but they slept in the same room together (separate beds). I felt secure in the relationship so it didn't bother me, however her behavior makes me feel she has feelings for him that he refuses to recognize so now I feel it's an unhealthy relationship. The last time we all spent the weekend at his home I felt horrible and detached, he was distant and I felt like the 3rd wheel. I broke up with him, but he insisted he didn't realize my feelings so we gave it another chance and she hasn't slept over again. They are going away together to volunteer for a weekend and they usually share a room, however he states he will not since I don't approve. He never mentions her anymore and our relationship seems to be going downhill. Now we are both starting to lose trust in each other. He doesn't mention her and he seems to have a close relationship with his phone, which is a red flag to me. Any thoughts or advice?
This is such a red flag from the very beginning. He should know that being this close with a female and let her SLEEP OVER at his house is a huge no no. I legit widened my eyes when I read that. It is very clear the other girl is annoyed that she doesn’t have his full attention, this is not an indication of pure intentions. If you guys still wanna keep going with this relationship, you guys have to do some serious work in therapy to fix the hurt that has been done. Good luck, it was rocky from the start but not impossible to fix!
Pretty much had this talk today. Couldn't agree more to the transparency and involvement piece. I wish I could have sent him this video instead of wasting my breath😂
I love my bf and I trust him. It does stop me from feeling a little icky about a particular “best female friend” that he has though. I’ve met his other friends who are girls and I met this girl too. I’ve hung out with her very few times one on one, but I think her to be very beautiful and sweet girl. I don’t dislike her at all, no bad feelings or any sort of resentment. We are very very different in appearance and personality. Never in my relationship have I forbid him or told him not to talk or hang out with a female, friend or not. But before he and I got together I had a suspicion that they either liked each other or one of them wanted to be more than friends. It was just the vibe they had. Later once we were dating he confirmed that she did indeed like him but he liked me. He also said that she would encourage him to talk to me and ask me out (love her for that) He tells me that she means a lot to him and that she’s his best friend and that he really misses her. I can’t help but feel a little jealous? Like I’m so happy he has such a great friend. And I’m happy it’s her. I just- well I guess writing this and addressing this in a comment section is making me realize that I feel insecure. We both have her Snapchat and on Instagram and she’s so beautiful and very daring. She’s definitely comfortable in her own skin and has had more experiences concerning sexuality than I ever have. She wears sexy black and has beautiful tattoos. Her body is so attractive And She posts these very hot thirst traps on Snapchat, and what can I say? She’s stunning. And then there’s me in a whole different ballpark. I’m less sexy and more mellow and I guess you could say girly? In a pink and pastels sort of color palette😂😅 I’ve only ever had two relationships in my life one of which is my current one with my boyfriend. A virgin in every sense of the word😅 and a complete nerd and geek for anime and books, and done video games. My clothes are girly and more covered up I guess. I’m never going to tell him to stop talking to someone he associates with. I love him to much to be selfish like that. I just wish I didn’t feel that twinge of jealousy and uncertainty whenever he brings her up. I hate myself for feeling like this.
Wooow, Matthew, I can't tell you how much I appreciate this video and the way you put everything into perspective. I've felt so alone in my feelings of discomfort about my BFs friendship with another woman and I couldn't understand why even though I KNOW he loves and respects and is loyal to me, I still felt insecure about this friendship. Now I understand that I felt left out by him not being open about it and I can FINALLY have a conversation with him where he might understand too how and why I feel this way and we can agree together on how to make each other fell good about the long-term outcome of the boundaries we set. I love your spirit and energy and I THANK YOU immensely for all that your are giving to all of us women who need this kind of sound advice. Much love, God bless!!
My so called girlfriend isn't transparent about her guy friends. She separates me from them, and I can sense she is NOT honest about things.😯 We talked about it like the video here, but it doesn't sink into her head on the topics. She'll then get mad and avoids me. I'm tired feeling like shit.😯 She has more chemistry with them than she does with me. she even calls them "love" sometimes 😟I just wished she would be in my shoes sometimes. yeah, I think we should break up.💔 I've been with her for 4 years and nothing has changed. God I wished I had my 4 years back with no memory of her.
cant get the time back but there is no better time than to day for new healthy beginnings.. just look ahead to a better day of being loved by someone who wants you
Saul What ended up happening? I hope you left that toxic relationship. Anyone who treats their significant other that way doesn't deserve them. Hope you found someone else that appreciates you.
Funny fact is that I am the loyal partner who knows to keep distance from friends of the opposite sex, without him having to specifically telling me what to do, but my ex seemed like he didn’t know the boundaries, even though I already made myself clear before that. He hid and lied to me about his interactions with other girls. And those broke our trust. Since then, I became anxious and insecure. I repeated to him my boundaries again, and told him he had to take action to earn back my trust. Yet, he broke up with me, saying that it’s too stressful and I’m too much. But… it was him who crossed the boundary first… I just felt confused and disappointed. He said he lied to me, because he was afraid that I will be angry, the same old excuse again. I feel like i don’t have the right to feel angry anymore. Then, why, knowing that I would be angry, but he still chose to cross boundary with other girls? He made a choice in hurting me and didn’t care about losing me. I feel disrespected.
Dear Matthew, Have you ever had a best friend who is a female? Yes, this video is geared towards the lady who is in a relationship with a man, whose best friend is a female. As someone who is best friends with a male, I have the respect for his relationship, to actually step away and yet, be there for him when he needs me. I never wanna be considered a threat to my best friend's girlfriend/ wife. But at the same time, there are some things in my personal life and his personal life, that we both trust to be strictly confidential and that is a trust that is not meant to be broken.
From a man's point of view, I greatly appreciate it and it could be very helpful for a new couple's and couples that are in same situations such as those you mentioned. All respect to you bra.
dbedazzling1 not true, I have a gf and I have female friends, and I don’t look at them as “options” or to get “attention” from them, they’re just simply friends.
@@DeFlaxi thats great as long as your female friends don't take attention away from your gf n your gf does not complain about your female friends. Other guys keep the gf n female friends secrets fr each other so the intention is diff.
That's kinda sad honestly, i'm bi so i should only talk to my partner by your logic. That thing sounds more like trust issues to me. Got cheated on twice but that isn't an excuse for putting my problems on my partner, you can't stop a cheater from cheating and if that happens it's HIS/HER fault, not yours. Also communication and trust are really really important in a relathionship.
Why do you do this Matthew? You ALWAYS discuss issues that i am going through right now. I had a discussion with my long distance partner yesterday about this. He just moved to the other end of the world to study for a year and instantly became friends with a female who he met on the bus( Same university). When i called him, he said he's with her as she wanted to look for a house. I was shocked and felt very weird because we're already in a long distance and this adds so much tension in our relationship. I am fine with him hanging out with women and men in a group but going out alone with a woman makes me feel bad because it just wrong when you're in a long distance. There must be some ground rules! I am perfectly fine with him hanging out with his close female buddies. But i didn't know this new girl and felt like i was thrown into something. Discussed with him about this and he apologized. He said she wanted to look for houses when they were on the way to the mall and he obliged. Sadly, he also got her to his apartment as she was waiting for a call from a landlord. He shares a huge house with 7 others.Asked him how he would feel if i did the same thing? He said, he would be hurt. So i told him he's free to do whatever he wants to but don't expect me to wait around.
What? He was perfectly open with you about her! He wouldn't have done that if there were something to hide. Now he will hide his female friends even if there's nothing there because you have demonstrated that you are jealous even when nothing is going on.
kimberley brown no don't agree. It's not correct to just suddenly hang out alone with a girl you just met on the bus and then take her home with you. (While in a relationship) You must be naïve to think there's nothing more.
The video was made 5 years ago but works perfectly well. Thank you for the example speech. Because sometimes it’s difficult to say right words to my bf since he’s American and My first language isn’t English. Thank you so much !
My recommendation to couples is to get to know other couples. Have friends who are already in relationships and always involve your partner in any events you and your friend have. Make sure they are fully aware of everything you and your fried are doing, keep them updated. Check on them if they are being a little bit off with you. And always listen to what your partner has to say to you about your friend of the opposite sex. You would be surprised how much your partner sees that you don't.
My boyfriend fiancé is still friends with his ex girlfriend and i am not ok with it.. it’s hurting.. knowing that woman still can come in and out of the house just like that... this is really hurting..
Very very timely!!!! I've had three conversations with my bf about this issue of transparency and involvement. A neurotic, alcoholic ex keeps texting him (love and hate and I want you back if things don't work out). He brought it to my attention because after a dear pet died, he made the mistake of informing her. He said he's just going to ignore her texts until she stops because it worked in the past. He won't block her or tell her to disappear because we're in the same hiking club. He didn't introduce her to me at the first meeting I went to and that is where they met. I told him yesterday that he should go to the next meeting alone and see what happens or resolve it. I keep feeling insecure about it although he's reassured me quite a few times that I have nothing to worry about. He says he would like to remain friends with her if she would stop the craziness. He doesn't plan to hang out with her or go anywhere with her, only when we all attend the monthly meetings will he and I see her. Am I self-respecting enough? Is there more I should do?
Wow! Thanks, this is what I needed to hear, just wish I had heard it 10 years ago. I am beginning to think my relationship is to messed up to fix. When I heard you say transparency and inclusion were the keys to having both relationships you are spot on!
When I asked my date about his best female friend, a guy I've been talking to for 3 weeks and dated once, I asked him about his perspective on what that means and what kind of activities they do together because having a date with a guy who has a best gf is my first time.
To an innocent question he answered defensively with: my best friend is the most important woman in my life, my friendship with her will not be a discussion.
I am tempted not to keep dating him just because of that reaction alone
I hope you followed your good sense. I was married to one that had such a good friend. In the end, he even confessed to having had an ab#rtion with her abroad and without the knowledge of her then bf now husband, but never confessed to being the father. Lies over lies. I take my part on this, I wanted to believe the words because I am not a liar, but I will never fall for this again. All the signs were there and there are liars.
@@Elleefedois-ir1ug i'm sorry you had to go through that. but this is the reason anyone who acts like I am unreasonable for not liking him to have a best girlfriend, is either gaslighting or not emotionally mature enough. I think the reasons are obvious
You shouldn’t date him because he has a close female friend
You dumped him, right?
@@gregwebster8784 yeah I did
these comments are giving me trust issues
look the situation goes like this. If they have opposite sex friends and you don't want that if you are in a relationship you must make him want a relationship with you and not you asking for it. When he asks for the relationship then you set the boundaries then or no relationship. You can't accept it then deny it after you are together unless she does something that causes you to not trust her motives.
Same thi
the comments how immature people are
Literally!!!
Thank you so much for this, i am literally having an anxiety attack because i have been dealing with this type of insecurity for over 6 months. My guy has 2 guy friends and at least 10 lady friends and I can't make myself trust him consistently
Trust him. what do you have to lose? A relationship with a potentially great guy. If you think he's cheating, if you think he's being secretive then dump him but if you have no signs of that then TRUST HIM. Insecurity breeds resentment. I'm also one of those guys, I have mostly female friends that I love and care for and they're fun to be around. I also have an amazing girlfriend who is trusting as I am with her. You can't control other people, you can't dictate who they're friends with.
@CyrilSneer123 can I ask you why you are here then ? In this comment section
If you can't trust he, leave.... For his own good
The problem is how close the friendship is. If they talk to each other very often, they see each other one or twice a week.. One of them has ALWAYS secret intentions. Maybe not from the begining, but it ends ups becoming something else for one of them ALWAYS.
I have been the girlfriend and the friend, and from my experience in both situations my advice is:
1. It's okay to still have female friends, but involve your gf from the start. If your friend wants to have a coffee with you, then bring your gf (at least from time to time).
2. DONT hide when your friend calls you.
3. Be CLEAR with your gf about why you prefer her, why you are in love with her and NOT with your friend. Reasons!! Women need to hear and to understand why.
4. Distance yourself a little bit from your friend.. if you are serious enough in your love relationship, then your gf has to become your "new best friend", you are supposed to want to spend most of your time with her, the person you want to laugh with.. otherwise, she is not right for you.
I totally agree.
True that
This made me tear up a little :')
You are 1000000% right it became secret intentions soon after I started dating him she was gross I never felt threatened until it became a threat
💯
I have had horrible experience regarding this . First he told me she was just his friend , then I got to know they used to like each other once upon a time but parted ways because she rejected him . Then I got to know she wanted him back but he was with me . She used to call him at ungodly hours like 1 am to talk about her personal issues and he used to entertain that . I was accused of being insecure . It was a crazy ride but I am glad it’s over . After a few months of this insanity I dumped him . Supposedly now he has stopped talking to his “best friend “ …. Who cares… I have moved on in my life with an amazing man and we are getting married soon 💍❤️
Happy for you! 💙
This is what I suspect the history is with my bf and his female friend.
This is exactly what is happening and if i speak on it he either cuts me off, turn his back to me or dismiss the conversation
I FEEL IT ❤ better sooner than later tho 🥳 all it means is that god has a better man for you 😊
@Pretti_Lethal not good. Sounds like he values the friendship more, if he's not willing to address your concerns.
I'm the friend in this scenario. And I work very hard to make sure that my best friends girlfriend is included and aware of everything going on. Its important to me that she knows I respect their relationship and any boundaries that need to be set up. That's between them and I follow them.
Lindsey C. I wish my bfs best friend was like you. She crosses the fucking line
I even accepted her knowing they had slept together in their young past. But things started getting weird.
Lindsey C. You are very respectful, and I have a male MARRIED friend, whose wife despised me. I took it upon myself to invite her to everything, and become her friend too because I wanted her to know I respect her and I wanted to be her friend too...The effort not only got me and my fiance invited to Thanksgiving dinner, but I gained a new friend.
Lindsey C. You should step away you're only being a stumbling block. How would you feel if your bf had. A girlfriend eventually it will happen
Astrid Anaya wtf😂
Every time I've heard "She's just a friend" it turned out she was much more than a friend. Even if it started out as a friendship, depending on how close they get, it becomes more.
Maybe “she is my best friend” makes the difference in this context. I believe it depends on the strength of the bond with that person.
I don't think the romantic type of love is special. And I am started to think that the romantic type of love isn't real. I mean about more than half of romantic couples either break up with each other or divorce each other, while most platonic best friends remain friends until death.
I think that having a platonic best friend is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse is. Having someone who's like a sibling to you is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse. Also, you are more likely to be much more closer to someone who's like a brother or sister to you than you would be with a romantic partner or spouse.
Yes, "Just a friend" that goes back years is what I was told. Now he has told me he was infatuated with her, even when he was married and has her name tattood on his arm. He was still flirting by text with her and when I got upset he deleted the messages and he told me he hasn't spoken to her since. He told me he had deleted her photo off his phone ( which also was her LinkedIn photo and oddly enough she has at the very same time, taken that photo off LinkedIn) Do you think he colluded with her to hide and delete things from me? Hence, I feel betrayed
@@minnie5301I would feel betrayed too. You need to believe that you deserve better
If you, as a woman, don't want the guy in the relationship to have any female friends, then you gotta accept that you can't have any male friends.
I, as a female, don't mind that. since I don't have guy friends. And my relationship with my male acquaintances is very professional and university/work related only. We're not involved in each others lives to the point we can't stop being parts of it. If I find a man that I think seriously about, I will drop anything that will threat that relationship. Simple as this.
Whoa, well all according to your needs i guess. Probably will find a man that shares your view. I myself has mostly only female friends, so since I'm allowed to hang around with them I feel that it is only fair that my girl hangs with other dudes too.
Sure I voiced my opinion about 'some' of the guys just like she voiced about 'some' of the girls I know, but we sorted it out by doing the only right thing imo; talking about it and hearing each others point without becoming angry. Uncertainty/jealousy can be destructive emotions in a relationship if one lets it fester inside. Anyways, I'm digressing. Anyways, good luck finding your soulmate
@@WolfODonnelfan how's that working out for you?
thats exactly what i do. he still has his little best friends.
Big McLargeHuge thats perfectly fine with me
I had no rules for my boyfriend and his female best friend is now his girlfriend.
It has really messed with my confidence... :/
He obviously was not the right man for me.
That sucks. What a betrayal. So sad. Obviously not the right man for you.
Lauren Green it's simple biology… Males and females, if they are so attracted to each other to be close friends, will eventually be attracted sexually.
nancyxtay that wouldn't be biology it would be psychology if that even were the case
You’re so great, I feel bad for your ex, he does not realize how good you are. Its his lost, not yours, coz you deserve a better one~
Lauren Green you gotta train them
the problem is that girl friends get too comfortable with their male friend and often possessive. They are often trying to show you how well they know him and how she's been longer in his life than you
Hope she will never tell me because im about to trip
Spot on. They really are nasty.
He’s told me that his friends will be there long after I’m gone.
@@Lotsofpets-4luv If that's not a red flag..... Hope you're out of that toxic relationship
I have had her tell me that she knows him better. I have been made frequently aware by both of them about how long they have been friends. I talked to him about how bad those statements are to my insecurities and how she doesn't know him better, she knows him differently. He agreed. So things have been going pretty well between us. She has not reached out to me at all, so I assume he told her my concerns and she is not happy.
Just friends is probably the greatest lie that people tell
Yes sir
Exactly. 👏👏
@@elevate7985 or the guy is a lying shady asshole!
Depends on the friendship. I'm with a guy who's had a female friend for over 30 years. I dont think anything is going on. Honestly theyve had enough time to do anything if they wanted to.
He told me... NOTHING MORE BELIEVE ME, SHE HAS A CHILD LOL. só i did the oppositie and he went 🍌. That was my answer
I broke up with my ex because he wanted to convince me there were no problem him to travel to London to visit a female friend and stays at her place. I’m no fool.
Probably was the best for your ex. I come to a point where I have to say " this is my best friend, tell me if this gonna be a problem" sad: they used say "is not a problem" but after is a problem , my friend say "maybe we have to take distance" but in the end, we are friends 15 years ago, she care me when I was in my worst time, was there when my mom die, is my family or more important. Girl I'm just meet is not in the same league of this person. Sounds insane to me. Like: "nos conocemos desde hace 3 meses, pero necesito que dejes de hablarle a tu hermana si quieres seguir conmigo" insane
@ I hope he is okay, I just don’t ever want to see him again. I am in a happy relationship where my partner cares for me first. Looking back I am happy I dodged this bullet.
0:55 there is a difference between different sexes
1:26 the difference: the possibility creates the thought of threat
1:43 example / protect & respect you
2:25 two solutions: transparency & involvement
3:45 your responsibility / boundaries / long term mindset
4:38 rebellion & respect
5:20 individual rules (sustainable & kind)
6:27 create your rules with respect & trust
7:24 what you could say
Enjoy. J. :)
I hate being in this situation. I understand the fact that I should trust him but I don't trust his friend at all and though she invited me and my bf involved me in their "hanging out together or dinner at weekends ", I try to make a good face but can't see them so close together even if they are doing nothing wrong...I also can't bear their "friendly" hug.. I end up being frustrated everytime and things got worse...Because I dont want to spend time with them and I also can't stay calm when they are together...It just eats me up.
No dont trust him
If it just a friend and they are doing nothing wrong (by the way, it is not wrong to hug your friends female or male), then you got a psychological problem about it and need help to solve it. But if they are doing something wrong and suspicious, then it is only a normal to be alarmed.
Just walk away, it’s easier. Trust your gut 🙏 watch Steve Harvey
@@Therealdonaldtrumpusa ma'am nobody is about to listen to no Steve harvey 🙄
Nobody is about to listen to someone named Dwacia
I agree that there is always the possibility and potential for emotionally cheating. They don't have to be sexual feelings, but a certain amount of loyalty, affection, and endearment is taken from the significant other with an opposite sex best friend. It's just best to set up your life to eliminate this type of confusion in the first place.
I’ve had this happen in my marriage multiple times. I have expressed to him over and over again how I don’t like him getting close to other females because he ends up telling them about our issues.
I have male friends but am so professional with it
Well said
Yep, if a guy isn't introducing you to their women friends I would feel that is a red flag.
Lana M. Thompson Is just because he knows you be jealous as fuck
a huge one
Been there seen it
Wow im a guy, and i had no idea guys have to do that. Or that it even happens.
Lana M. Thompson agreed!!
Its not about jealousy. Its about me not being ok with dating a guy that is lacking assertiveness to put himself in situations like this.
Oh yes
So not dating a guy who is secure enough to not limit his experiences of friendship with just male friends. It's cool if you can't put up with it, but I don't see it as a lack of assertiveness or them somehow not being aware they are getting into that position. Guys know and are aware. I don't see where lack of assertiveness fits when they're active participants.
Exactly
Lol, that's called jealousy.
@@baconatorrodriguez4651 stop trying to manipulate the situation for your own ulterior motives.
Anytime that I have been in a situation where I have dated a man with a female best friend, it has never ended well. I find some men will pit women against eachother and/or create doubt in him through disregarding my feelings. I won't date a man with a female best friend.
Some men will engage in a psychologically abusive tactic called "triangulation", that pits you against another woman. They get attention and ego-stroking from it. I will never again date a man with a female best friend.
Looked at my male friendships a few years ago and realized they were all just guys I’d friendzoned over time. I was keeping them at a distance, but I was keeping them. Their role in my life was to sustain my ego. I was definitely insecure and definitely still am (just smarter about my self-care these days). I started seeing a man romantically those years ago. His previous girlfriend had cheated on him and so he was super sensitive to “guy friends” and things. Social media didn’t help. And I never took that step to protect his ego. He deserved that from me, but I was basking in all the constant validation. I didn’t slow down and come to his level, really. I wasn’t good for him back then but GIRL have I learned. I let go of those male friendships because 1. They weren’t actually built on friendship and 2. I don’t need (straight) guy friends! I have girl friends, and that’s always been enough. In my experience, two people of opposing genders can indeed be friends, but I personally just don’t bring guy friends into my close circle anymore. They can stay in the Acquaintance ring. If I were my boyfriend, I’d feel super comfortable in that dynamic :) And I (again, personally) don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything.
Thanks for being completely honest. I think you speak for the majority.
Exactly.
@@Polly1589 Good for you for moving on. Sometimes people don't grow from those habits, especially underloved people. Just keep loving yourself
I would love to copy this comment so I don't have to lose hope that there are girls like you.
It's true, we all have different boundaries. For me, dating a woman that has plenty of male friends it's a deal-breaker. Finding out she still talks with her ex it's also not a good sign. You can be mature and handle things differently. But don't fool yourself. Trust your guts. She/He may still want to hook up with an ex or have options to hook up when she feels blue or lonely. Be careful, pay attention. If he/she doesn't respect you, walk away.
Some one said "she deserves the best and I can't see her with anyone else. So, I become the best"
Only a mature and emotionally available men would understand this content of this video. I don't have an issue with my significant other having friends of the opposite sex. I do have an issue when I don't know about them and I am not part of the equation.
1+1=2 NOT 1+1=3 honesty, transparency, trust, respect is the key to have a loving and long lasting relationship.
I completely agree with this! My boundary is just that I don’t want the guy I’m dating to be alone with one of his friends that are a girl. If he’s going to hangout with a girl it can be in a group or I can also be there. One on one can definitely develop into something else later on...
Wow never thought about that, i'ts strikt but verry smart.
That's awesome! I'd be with you in a heartbeat!
What if they’ve been friends since childhood? They’re family at that point.
You cant control his life..if u trust him ull let him be alone
This is huge for me too!! That’s the boundary I have, but I’m ngl I still worry so so so much! I know I’ve got a lot of healing to do bc of trauma and trust issues, not of my partner, but of the opposite sex and their intentions.
Just because he involves you still doesn’t necessarily make it ok. It can create a “3rd wheel” awkward situation. And who really wants to have to see 1st hand “the friendship” happening? I think at the very least it’s disrespectful no matter how “platonic” they say it is. 🤭
This.
I agree
Exactly 💯
😂 super weird!! We “stumbled” on them once (the wife, her hubby and his cousin).. midway through my fiancé realized how uncomfortable I was.. whatever they talked wasn’t something including anyone on the table.. I’ve instantly connected with the 2 guys but the girl friend didn’t even make an effort to be nice to me. I said to him, might not be anything but she wasn’t friendly to me.. imo that’s a red flag. Hey I like your man, I want to keep our friendship but you’re not welcome? 😂 hell no!
100% agree
If he is loyal to his gf/wife, he won't cheat but there will be questions in his mind like "how could it be if we were together" and then he says "awh don't be stupid she's just my friend" but he knows that there's a possibility even if he denies himself. And that possibility makes him be distracted.Also he could be comparing his female friends to her girlfriend unintentionally. And again, he will feel distracted and confused but he won't know the reason for it. He will feel colder to his partner and find her behaviours more disturbing.
I bet you have anxiety.
What a super thoughtful,intelligent reply!!!
I so appreciate you addressing this issue from this perspective Matthew, ie. protecting the relationship, making your partner feel safe/secure. I would agree 100% about transparency and involvement. In my own experience, feeling like I'm on the outside, not being included and feeling like those friendships are intentionally kept separate doesn't breed trust. I don't hear very many people discuss jealousy in this way. Usually the jealous person is criticized for being insecure without examining relational dynamics. Putting the relationship first and creating security for each other is so, so paramount ❤
this kind of thing needs to have a limit. I personally never had a guy friend who wasn’t interested in me or I wasn’t interested in them. Friendship attraction goes beyond just sexual/physical attraction and i think it’s a natural, subconscious thing that when our opposite sex friends get a partner we feel a little competitive. Almost like a challenge to test where we actually stand in that person’s mind. I would never let me man be with a woman ALONE more than a few times and who has to text him everyday. Unless they’re not each other’s type or she is also dating
"I'm never going to miss the opportunity to make a video for you - I'm never going to let you down" - thank you for reminding us of the kind of things that quality, solid men say to women!
Apparently these days, relationship is about giving space. Its about believing that your boyfriend will have multiple platonic relationships with multiple girls, including exes. And you have to be content if he chooses them over you, if he doesn't mention what they do together, if you have no idea what they are talking about, if he doesn't make an effort to make you familiar with them, if you feel like your boyfriend is a whole new person visibly dying for their attention, you just have to remember their relationship is platonic, and that justifies everything. Their late night conversations, random meetings, endless chats topped with you having no idea about it, everything is justified- because they are best friends.
And the day you wake up to find they are in a relationship now and you have been chucked out, even then you have to be content, because people will say you were the fool here, you didn't draw a line.
I understand what you mean. It’s such a double standard it’s fkd up
She's spot on
Yeah you are all right .
My bf will talk intimately with other female friends and people will say you are insecure, jeolous, possesive etc...
Like think how will he feel if I do the same
This is exactly happened to my ex husband. Woke up one morning and his crazy inlove with his bestfriends
I mean I think it would be pretty obvious to see if that is the case. Clearly that's not ok, but you're free to leave a guy who doesn't put you first.
dont kid yourself...there is always one or the other that has hidden intentions.
starlight9563
This says more about you than anything else.
@@Jacco0 right
I've been the best friend in two scenarios and that's not always true. The first one I had no hidden intentions. The second one I also had no hidden intentions. The only difference is that the intentions were hidden from me. I was shut out of one of my best friend's lives because her almost husband didn't like me. At the time that was a terrible thing. But when I met her years later at a wedding and she was fat and I talked to her, I realized that we had something that was beyond just physical. I also realized that I had intentions I wasn't aware of and at that moment I was thankful that her demon boyfriend/husband (because he is and they are no longer together) saw that I may have wanted more. I would've been that person and I may not have felt bad because he is a villain of person. But I rather not be someone that gets someone that way. Ever.
Exactly
👏👏👏
I don't think I want to date men with "woman friends". Yeah it's possible but usually it's more than friends or the desire for more. I just dumped my boyfriend because my best friend and him were flirting. It was honestly disgusting and I see them as trash. I was so shocked by their utter lack of regard for my feeling and I really have no interest in knowing either of them. I can't simply walk away from the friend because we have a mutual social group but I will avoid her from now on.
I sent this video to my bf because we were struggling in this area of our relationship. Your message really resonated with us and improved our bond! Thank you Matthew ❤️
I had my boyfriend listen to your video and he really finally understood my side. Thank you for helping us💛. You really have a special gift, very articulate. ☺️
When your boyfriend has lots of female best friends ..it's a constant pain situation.
Absolutely. It sucks now I know why he always had his phone turned over so I wouldn’t see any girls text him. 1 year wasted
@@grace4976 me too.
I won't find a boyfriend who has a female best friend. If you do, that's just finding yourself a big headache.
truly.
U never know when he will be frnds with females later on.. Will u leave him then... Trust s important dear
Nola Chen
That's saying a lot about you. It just might be a good thing to figure what had led to this feeling, this insecurity you have. Because chances are that the same fear, insecurity or whatever it is, stops you from being with a man you want to be with and even affects you in other area's of you're life. Good luck.
The fuck is wrong with you?
😭 I guess I just found a big big headache
If you're a straight man and your platonic friendship with a woman doesn't feel identical to a friendship you have with a gay man (e.g. If you don't find her sexually repulsive -- can still be attractive, but sexually repulsive), then that person isn't your friend. They're a standby.
What do you mean by "standby" if she is sexually repulsive ?
So straight men can be friends with gay people because they’re “sexually repulsed” by them? Wtf dude. Being straight does not equal being homophobic. Get the fuck outta here with that shit
@L K It's perfectly normal to be repulsed by gay sex if you're a straight person, just as it's perfectly normal to have a gag reaction to seeing straight people have sex. There's nothing homophobic about innate, biological responses. It's not learned behavior to be repulsed by the smell of rotting flesh. You're simply repulsed by the smell of rotting flesh. You can *absolutely* quell and become better accustomed to the smell of rotting flesh, but that's a psychological effort. It's likely fewer gay persons are repulsed by hetero sex because they've seen it on display their entire lives. But there's nothing negative about being inherently, biologically repulsed by something that doesn't adhere to your biological instincts.
Well said
Couldn’t have put it any better myself
This is excellent. As a woman who has been happily married for decades and whose best friend is male, these two principles are what I live by and are how my husband knows he is loved and secure in our marriage. This information is so much better than most advice on the subject. Respect and transparency and demonstrating that my husband is always my priority are the keys.
Key word here: Transparency and Involvement. If you have a bestie that you keep to yourself exclusively, and secretly then no.
I believe this video also applies to men whose partners are friends with their ex's. It makes so much sense about protecting the ego and having transparency.
Thank you. My ex said I was completely in the wrong to be annoyed he arranged to meet a female friend (former person he dated) when I was at work to go for a walk with her dog, also only dropped it in the conversation 24 hours beforehand and had known for a week. You have made me realise he never took into consideration my feelings at all.
When I do communicate how I feel he says I’m trying to control him and he’s a grown man and can do what he wants.
LEAVE
Leave him, he's playing you.
Leave
i can resonate... jst that my situation has been different.
in my case... my bf and his ex are high school friends...nd then they got in a relationship. They broke up later and resumed being platonic friends again since they belonged to the same group ! 🙄
Also to mention he had lot of their pictures together still up on Social Media...hanging out in group...but all of those exhibited them intimately together. After I talked to him abt it and how it made me feel, he took them down. But, they had to meet each other on occasions and twice he was not completely transparent to me about it. As time passed, there were still many aspects of them together like Tweets, Comments, Posts up on Social platforms(though from the past but it was still up there). He also started having problems when I expressed him that how it all bothered me. He just wanted me to trust him that way and not bother myself about all of these.
My ex was always telling me I was insecure, but he never acknowledged that he was the reason why. I caught him trying to cheat so many times and often when he'd invite me out, he would be hitting on other women. He's finally out of my life, but his narcissism and those years of gaslighting still have me shell shocked and terrified to date again.
You have explained this so well. I did the same thing you have explained, although I hadn't watched this video, but it really helped a lot. And for anyone reading this, what he just explained is the mantra: you all need to be more clear while communicating your feelings towards your partner instead of avoiding the topic. The more you avoid, the more uncomfortable the relationship gets.
He would literally be such a great boyfriend/husband.
honestly, not necessarily. lol.
He would be the best father as well
Abigaiw Mendoza b cctv ever isexpo digestion’s
Friends d fddd dliesn
Abigaiw Mendoza b cctv ever isexpo digestion’s
Friends d fddd dliesn
I was upset about this whole situation but then while watching this I realized I went from watching your “does he like me?” Videos to your “dating” videos and now watching your relationship advice videos. Lol you’ve been inadvertently coaching me through all this. So thanks! Haha
The worst feeling in this situation is.
When you're the girlfriend.
But his fixing her bestfriend while you're in pain.
Then he cares more about her, he loves her more, so he's in some way "lying" to you. You deserve better, someone honest and with a good heart. In other words: a real man who knows how to treat HIS woman.💖
@@canariiaaaa im in deep pain right now.
That feeling tho, im getting birth with our baby soon but at some point he cheated on me. His with her girlbestfriend now. So sad but I have to accept and turn my fear into strength. 😌
@@hannahgracelingcopines7073 for sure. Be strong, for yourself and for the baby 💪💖. But I think you should talk to him anyway, and tell him (without too much drama, maybe he runs away from that and that may be the reason why he first fix the situation with his friend, because some men hate "drama" and discussions with their girlfriend, they dont understand it's because we are in pain), tell him he is hurting you, and as a team you are together, you want him to priorise you.
(Sorry for my english, im from Spain. I hope everything is going to be ok for you 💖💪)
@@hannahgracelingcopines7073 wait, I think I misunderstood. Now he is with his friend?? As a couple?? If that is the case, thank God you discovered you were with such an a******, and dont worry, you will find someone who deserves you 💖, and everything will be fine with the baby, you will be a good reference for him/her 😊😊.
Oh sweetie, nobody deserves to feel this way...we all matter, he isnt the one then, 🥺God bless ❤️
So I told him how’d he feel if I went out with a male friend and he said he doesn’t care because he trusts me. But I can’t get him to understand that it’s not the trust is more of the respect but he doesn’t grasp it and I don’t know how else or what example I can give home because everything is “ I don’t care, I don’t put mind to it or I trust you” like damn
stupid man doesnt understand the word jealous
It's a possibility that he doesn't respect boundaries or the relationship.
Can i ask, what happened? did he understand, i’m having the same situation. Lille yes i trust him he just don’t respect the boundaries
@@isabell3044 Leave him. I’m a man and I will never be “friends” with a woman that I don’t plan on dating or sleeping with.
Well this is tricky, it depends a lot on the details. But you can try asking him to get more involved.
I am the “girl friend” in this case. Met him when his marriage was already on the rocks and he wanted to get divorced. What started out as a friendly conversation and hanging out quickly became emotional and intimate. By the time I realised what’s happening I already started to have feelings for him. (Never been close to married men in any form so had no experience). Of course he lied to the wife and I was suffering from guilt and unrequited feelings. We still have an emotional connection and he wants to talk to me. After the divorce he immediately moved in with another woman. Don’t believe when men say they just want to be friends. They cannot keep boundaries at all. The fact that we didn’t have sex(could not do that,never done that to anyone) doesn’t mean there could not be feelings there. Everyone will think of his partner noone will think about you. Never again. I cut him off and don’t talk to him anymore.
This is such an enlightening video. So logical...& from a man's perspective. Some guys just persist on privacy & demand that you trust. But trust is earned. It is so hard to just go & trust somebody without having proof & experience to show that one can indeed be trusted. And sometimes something in my heart just can't accept things at face value.
Thank you Matthew. This video has been a huge relief and validation for me. I have often wondered if I am being unreasonable in expecting that someone whom I like should be open to me about his relationships with the opposite sex. Now I am happy to hear that it is essential for anyone who cares about us to actually show it by protecting not just our feelings but also our ego.
My ex had female friends all of which he admitted to either dating having crushes on at one point, etc and never introduced me to them and they would text and hang out making me feel left out. When I complained he said I was being drama and should trust him. Yet it was unacceptable for me to have guy friends or even men text me. It was amazing how he would get jealous but couldn’t put himself in my shoes or in my place when he is eating out with them or going to their houses or being their handyman. I asked numerous times to meet them and he said ok and never put it into motion. Ultimately it gave me so much anxiety wondering what they were talking about and whether or not he was attracted to them that I was crying all the time and finally left the relationship. Not to mention one of the women they referred to each other as “Babe” and “Love” by text and yet he expected me to believe they had no history other than friends. He couldn’t understand why I got angry and wanted to go home. He also stopped being affectionate with me or treating me like he had in the beginning which made me feel even less secure. It hurts because I loved him so much but I just felt like he didn’t care at all about my feelings, all that mattered were his. And when I broke up and hung out with a guy friend from high school his comment was “Nice hope you’re happy together”. So he would have never been able to tolerate me having guy friends like he had female friends which by the way were all single. Maybe someday he will be in a relationship with a woman who has single male friends she texts, hangs out with, goes to their house, and never introduces to him, and he will understand how I felt.
God! This exactly me in my marriage. You literally picked those words from my heart and put them here. I hope it gets better. Such overwhelming sense of betrayal I feel right now. I'm soo angry with myself that I stayed that long.
God this is so damn relatable
It's nice to say a guy should be transparent with his girlfriend about his female friend... but the reality is sometimes friends share private information that they may not want a third party privy to.... so as a man you must respect your friend's right to privacy... and his girlfriend needs to respect that as well ... not everything kept secret is a threat to their relationship
I was in a relationship with a person and there was a lot of trust. Several of my good friends were guys and his best friend was a girl. I knew this girl and had actually gone to school with her for years and never viewed her as a threat but then I discovered that he cheated on me with someone and later found out it was her. At the same time, I still don't see a problem with best friends of the opposite sex because I will not stop seeing my guy friends and spending time alone with them because they are family and I wouldn't expect my partner to either. There just needs to be trust. He had cheated before in other relationships so if it wasn't with his best friend (and the girl actually apologized and we are on good terms, he never did) it would have been with someone else.
Mars
You, madame, got it! As a man I have similar stories (yes, multiple) I personally experienced. But I fully trust my current gf!
Even though I know one of her best guy friends is in love with her and the other one wants to sleep with her (he asked her several times). It doesn't threaten me at all.
Jacco0 My friend you have experienced female nature uncontrolled.
My bf has a female friend and he tells me he used to want a relationship with her. Ive meet her and she seems nice, but he has given me hand me downs from her, and says she was thinking about me and that they have deep conversations about her bf and myself and that I am always on his mind, and that she deserves a guy who is thoughtful of her, like he is to me.....hes told me they used to sleep in the same bed and he helped raise her kids,.. I am not a jealous person, but I dont want to listen to it Especially, cause im accused of cheating on him with every guy who is in my general vicinity breathing.....
You need to tell him this, there’s something quite not right sharing a bed. More the physical relations happening he should be shawring that emotional bond with you instead of accusing you.
You just saved my relationship of 10months:). Thank you, Matthew Hussey!
Sustainable rules, CRITICAL! Great video, sensitive topic handled with compassion, empathy, and respect.
What if you're in a long distance relationship and this is happening and it's his boss. I'm on the verge of letting go because I definitely don't want my feelings hurt.
Delisha B I understand how you feel Delisha .... I'm also in a long distance relationship... it's hard to really know what's happening. 😑
I'm in those shoes and I decided to take them off anf deal with the pain for now snd rest later
It’s 10 times worst when they do it in long distance relationship at least of your in the same country you can talk it through, read his emotions and body language. You can’t do that with video calling. I had just gone away for 2 weeks and we nearly broke up. I’d let this guy slip, he obviously found a replacement girl to spend his time with.
Delisha B No WAY?! I’m HAVING THE SAME ISSUE?!!!! He literally is with his boss rn and he’s long distance from me! I’m STRESSED
I just pulled the plug on this relationship l. It is not worth the stress and if this person cares, they will consider your feelings
I do not think it matters if women are confident or insecure, they have a right to ask questions and understand the relationship between their significant other and another woman. Especially if there is a new friendship going on. Lines of communication need to be made. Secret conversations or secret “friendships” can be a huge red flag. I feel like social media opens the door to be able to chat with new people and even if it’s innocent it can really betray the trust of your partner. Meaning, why would a man have conversations with another woman when their girl is in their life always open and available to talk to. I understand talking to new people with new points of view is a good thing, but not when it’s done in secret. If you can’t tell your girlfriend/or boyfriend you’re talking to someone else or building a friendship, you’re in the wrong. Something isn’t right and once it comes out, even if it’s innocent, trust is bruised.
I realize that this comment is a few years old, but I agree that trust and communication needs to be there 100%! This is exactly what's keeping me and my partner together now, though, I'd honestly be willing to admit that too much pride and ego has created more issues with trust for us in the past because that would lead to a lack of respect and emotional safety.
The best friend must no longer be the best friend, if you are the best friend, take this heed. Keep Calm & Talk About It. Simply Infiltrating Thought.
My boyfriend has a female friend that he looks at as a 'sister', and I've never had a partner who had as many or any female friends the way does...I want to trust him but I just get this weird feeling and so jealous. He introduced us right away, but it feels to me like he misses her and thinks of her often. Ps, I found this video helpful and intuitive but I just still just am not used to it.
Samantha Sendejas I am on the same exact boat! It's so frustrating. He considers her a sister and even gets along with her entire family. Hope all is best with your relationship
Samantha Sendejas lol I'm in the same position too. He did everything Matthew stated he needs to do. I trust him, I just feel like she may possibly have feelings for him
Cindy Diaz that's exactly the way he is with her. It's just so difficult, I've never had that kind of dynamic in any relationship. But I know he loves me, we spend practically every day together. We've talked about a future, but it's just weird and new for me. Thanks for responding.
Amanda Golson I hear you, he's really fine nothing to lose my trust either, I just get paranoid I guess. You know self esteem issues and the whole bit. But my friends tell me I should never feel in competition with any female. And it's true, I shouldn't feel like that. It's just different, hope everything works in your favor.
same boat, too
As a guy who makes friends slot easier with women than men you make some good point. An aspect of a great friendship has an element of attractiveness, keeping your partner comfortable about female friends is the guy's responsibility
Thank you for this. It’s been driving me crazy for months.
You should do workshops to train men to be perfect boyfriends!!
+Rapunzel In A Skirt There is no such thing as "perfect" boyfriend or girlfriend. We are all humans, we make mistakes and we all have our own imperfection. But what makes a big difference betwee na great and a ok partner is whether they will learn from their mistake and willing to improve themselves and not stopping to educate themselves.
+pitot1988 You're right! No one is perfect. I meant 'perfect' in exactly the same way you've described a 'great' boyfriend :)
+Rapunzel In A Skirt Yes I want that, I don't know why he does not videos for men? _;(
Yes!!!!! But those same imperfect boyfriends would not choose to watch instructional videos, cuz... imperfect!
If a guy was a perfect boyfriend what makes you think he'd want to stay with you? Are you a perfect girlfriend? With such an entitled outlook such as you have shown I'm guessing you're not.
THANK YOU!! My phone must be listening because today I was talking on the phone with my bestfriend telling her how my BF having girl best friends makes me so jealous and I opened youtube a few hours later and on my _TH-cam Home_ was this video. And thanks to you I just realised my boyfriend IS transparent and DOES protect my ego. And that now it is I who has to work on my feelings towards his friendships. Thaaaaank you! Eye opening
But the big question is: can a deep friendship exists between men and women? What do you think? I personally think it may work for a while but sooner or later one of the two will start feeling more. At least, that's what happened to me so far...
+Claudia Emme i dissagree .. i've been best friends with a guy for a long time and there was never any romantic feelings envolved ... im not his type he is not my type and actually im the only girl in our friend group he hasnt hit on ... they might always be sexual jokes or compliments but nothing more than that ....also he resently started dating my cousin
+Mary ch i dont think that it really applies to woman as i know women tend to take care of the boundaries when it comes to friendship especially if she has a bf. But men are not like that. I dont think my boyfriend needs to have female best friend if he has me. I mean im fine if he knows this girl far before he knew me what bothers me if he just knew this girl and started to chat with her regularly and even deleting previous message. Idk but im just protecting myself from broken heart as this could lead to emotionally infidelity even he doesnt realise. At least, thats what happened to me last week.
It will never happen.
Sure if she is lesbian. Straight, not sure.
Forte Astro what really pisses me off is that none of you are showing any empathy for bi people. Are they just fucking not allowed to have close friends outside of their romantic relationships?
I liked the way you explained this. I would say that at least in a marriage one shouldn't have friends of the opposite sex. To a married couple, I am friends with the couple.
Matthew would you feel comfortable if your wife or girlfriend was texting or hanging out with an ex lover or a very close male friend? I wonder how a man would feel? It seems there is pressure for women to be flexible on this but not the man. My friend was flexible and her once faithful husband ended up sleeping with the female friend, trust is important but even faithful men or women have been known to fall into temptation. I believe having respect for each others feelings is very important. Hanging out as a group is one thing but alone I sure would not feel comfortable.
My ex never once included me in any of his social activities or introduced me to his female friend(s) - that part of his life was kept entirely apart from me. He emphasised how important these people & his social life were to him while complaining that I took up too much of his time - that he should be spending with them. I feel a huge amount of shame that instead of leaving him immediately this became apparant I tried to figure out where I was going wrong. Trying to explain how I felt resulted in me being told I was needy & controlling etc. Needless to add the (so called) relationship didn't last.
Have you been dating the same guy as me? Going through this right now... I have felt so heartbroken for weeks because he keeps on saying you have to trust me but yet I’m not allowed to know their names as he accuses me of questioning him if I ask. This is giving me a massive anxiety and trust issues. I never thought I would find myself in a toxic relationship and here I am crying my eyes out over a guy... 😭😭
@@annapayton1630 Anna, how are you doing? Did you leave? 💛
@@AmericanDreamer OMG yes, yes I left shortly after. And guess what..... the girl who was just a 'friend' ended up being his girlfriend in the end after we broke up (by breaking up I mean - he hanged up on me in a hissy fit because he mentioned he was taking a friend to the seaside and I had the audacity to ask who :) - I took the high road and we never spoke again) and yes he was taking HER to the seaside hahahahahaha! the relationship with this girl lasted maybe 5 months. hahahahaha! And he told my best friend (who was his friend once - they don't talk as she took my side) that he made a mistake because she didn't love him and was using him. Since then he had multiple 'girlfriends' and I am much better listening to my intuition. Female intuition is a THING, whenever you feel something is not right, it probably isn't.
I want specifically thank you for this video. I have come out of the relationships, where my partner was not protecting me and priotizing me and our relationships over his involvement with other ladies. It was major problem, I became controlling, and ended up breaking that relationship up because I had become a shadow of that bubbly person I used to be. Because of that, I have carried some insecurities about myself and some questions I may want to talk with my partner, and this video gave me security to trust my gut and right to have that conversation. Without being controlling or bitchy, of course.
hey, was he too close with the lady friend? and how was she behaving toward you all along?
My problem is not that I don't trust my boyfriend, but trusting those girlfriends of his... That's another story. Even though my boyfriend wouldn't do anything suspicious, I can never know what those girls might do. They are so open (not only in that good, healthy way, but I don't know the right word for this...) and "free-minded" that I sometimes get scared what might happen. I don't like the idea of them suddenly just ripping their clothes off while being too drunk, sitting on my boyfriends lap and putting their arms around his neck (this has actually happened and it hurt sooooo much!) or grabbing his private parts or something. I have told this to my boyfriend, but I didn't want to tell him not to see them again or something (since they are so scarily close) but I hope he understood my point. I don't want to be that girlfriend who tries to rule her man and keep him on a short leash. If he wants to be with me or stay loyal to me, then he will, if he doesn't, there's no point for me to try to force him. I love him to bits but I don't want to scare him away with demands and rules.
Thank you for your videos! They are amazing. I wish more men were like you are
Heli wow I'm so sorry! I had a similar situation with my ex, I trusted him but he had a few crazy bitchy female friends who kept trying to act inappropriate with him. we eventually broke up bc of it even though he never acted shady, I was just tired of the drama & his friends disrespecting me
Heli I feel like this here lately feeling like gamer girls are more cool then me.
Find better association as a couple, you know more cultured people to be with.
You mean I should try to make my boyfriend leave this group of friends and find another one? I don't think that's even possible, not to mention really big thing to ask of someone... We should move far away and these days even that doesn't stop people from communicating and visiting each other (that could make things even worse, if those people came to our place or my bf would go visit them and spend the nights with them.). And moving away isn't an option for us right now.
But I know he wouldn't do that. He wouldn't stop connecting with people he has known since childhood (one of these girls actually lived next door to him as a child, they were born four days apart and been friends ever since). He wouldn't leave his bands (three of them), which he has with those people, music and playing is his life. If there is something in this equation he would get rid of, it would be me.
Heli I dont mean to offend you but you need to make it clear to him that you are not comfortable how his friends acts around him especially after being so inappropriate. I went through the same situation that included a perverted cousin of his too and made it clear to him even after knowing how insecure I get about his friends and his cousin so its either he tells them how its not right and he wants to maintain a appropriate distance and protect my feelings too or he can just leave cause I would rather be with someone who would hear me out and respect my feelings. I mean I cant ask him to cut off his family members or close friends but he can be bold and ask them to maintain themselves. Hope it makes sense. 2 years and 6 months and still going stronge. You should not let your fear of losing him over not talking about ur insecurities slowly kill you inside Sorry again if I have offended you cause every relationship is different. Hope you have a great love life. ❤
Mathew, I love you for always giving the advice taking into account the emotions people actually experience
I still think it's inappropriate for a man or woman who is in a committed relationship, regardless if they are married, to be hanging out alone with a person of the opposite sex. Just my opinion.
The problem happens when we don't make our boundaries clear.
yep
I don't agree on anything you just said.
Who hurt you?
absolute bullshit
Well if you don’t have trust then it’s understandable that you think this way
So relevant, like always!
I don't agree that a boyfriend of mine has other women who are "friends". these relationships take away from the actual feelings between you and "him". If he wants friendships with other women this is a red flag for me and it isn't insecurity. See if he goes along with my having men who are friends???????Time to move on??????
Tbh I have thoery that if we are botherd with most of the things our partners do is because we are dating the wrong person. People who are right for each other don't have many problems.
so happy to hear this... most men don't get the transparency and involvement
part
WORD! Thanks for the honest video. People need to see this!! Only managed to see this video eons after my own relationship failed due to the inability to meet eye to eye amongst the boundaries that needed to be created. Both party's responsibility is great in the relationship and you nailed it by coming out from both perspectives. Doing a great job there!
Complaining is toxic. Boundaries are controlling way to your partner because I use boundaries to controlled my ex fiance.
Had been in that situation and I did spoke to him directly and discussed it with him. Now we are going ok
No need for an anology. A man and a woman can never be friends unless they're absolutely repulsed by eachother. But then again, why would they be friends at that point? They'd rather be friends with the same gender. So please never question this again cuz NO THEY CAN'T BE FRIENDS!!!
Love this video - I'll show it to my BF having friends even being friends with an ex - as you say transparency and envolvement makes it less a threat... also thanks for what I can do about it for myself.
My situation in this topic is a difficult one to put in its place. My boyfriend has a female best friend. She sleeps over his house on weekends maybe once a month to do her laundry and spend time there. He involves me with her but I get subtle signs that she is annoyed that he has a girlfriend. My very first time away with him, she came along and since we just started dated I had my own room but they slept in the same room together (separate beds). I felt secure in the relationship so it didn't bother me, however her behavior makes me feel she has feelings for him that he refuses to recognize so now I feel it's an unhealthy relationship. The last time we all spent the weekend at his home I felt horrible and detached, he was distant and I felt like the 3rd wheel. I broke up with him, but he insisted he didn't realize my feelings so we gave it another chance and she hasn't slept over again. They are going away together to volunteer for a weekend and they usually share a room, however he states he will not since I don't approve. He never mentions her anymore and our relationship seems to be going downhill. Now we are both starting to lose trust in each other. He doesn't mention her and he seems to have a close relationship with his phone, which is a red flag to me. Any thoughts or advice?
M S heyy, i know its a little late haha but how did that turn out??
That's not ok. His friend is controlling him and he is letting her.
Walk away.
This is such a red flag from the very beginning. He should know that being this close with a female and let her SLEEP OVER at his house is a huge no no. I legit widened my eyes when I read that.
It is very clear the other girl is annoyed that she doesn’t have his full attention, this is not an indication of pure intentions.
If you guys still wanna keep going with this relationship, you guys have to do some serious work in therapy to fix the hurt that has been done. Good luck, it was rocky from the start but not impossible to fix!
Pretty much had this talk today. Couldn't agree more to the transparency and involvement piece. I wish I could have sent him this video instead of wasting my breath😂
I love my bf and I trust him. It does stop me from feeling a little icky about a particular “best female friend” that he has though. I’ve met his other friends who are girls and I met this girl too. I’ve hung out with her very few times one on one, but I think her to be very beautiful and sweet girl. I don’t dislike her at all, no bad feelings or any sort of resentment. We are very very different in appearance and personality. Never in my relationship have I forbid him or told him not to talk or hang out with a female, friend or not.
But before he and I got together I had a suspicion that they either liked each other or one of them wanted to be more than friends. It was just the vibe they had.
Later once we were dating he confirmed that she did indeed like him but he liked me. He also said that she would encourage him to talk to me and ask me out (love her for that)
He tells me that she means a lot to him and that she’s his best friend and that he really misses her. I can’t help but feel a little jealous? Like I’m so happy he has such a great friend. And I’m happy it’s her. I just- well I guess writing this and addressing this in a comment section is making me realize that I feel insecure.
We both have her Snapchat and on Instagram and she’s so beautiful and very daring. She’s definitely comfortable in her own skin and has had more experiences concerning sexuality than I ever have. She wears sexy black and has beautiful tattoos. Her body is so attractive And She posts these very hot thirst traps on Snapchat, and what can I say? She’s stunning.
And then there’s me in a whole different ballpark. I’m less sexy and more mellow and I guess you could say girly? In a pink and pastels sort of color palette😂😅
I’ve only ever had two relationships in my life one of which is my current one with my boyfriend. A virgin in every sense of the word😅 and a complete nerd and geek for anime and books, and done video games. My clothes are girly and more covered up I guess.
I’m never going to tell him to stop talking to someone he associates with. I love him to much to be selfish like that.
I just wish I didn’t feel that twinge of jealousy and uncertainty whenever he brings her up. I hate myself for feeling like this.
Hey it's just that you don't like some girl occupying so much space in your boyfriend's life it's not wrong to be jealous
Wooow, Matthew, I can't tell you how much I appreciate this video and the way you put everything into perspective. I've felt so alone in my feelings of discomfort about my BFs friendship with another woman and I couldn't understand why even though I KNOW he loves and respects and is loyal to me, I still felt insecure about this friendship. Now I understand that I felt left out by him not being open about it and I can FINALLY have a conversation with him where he might understand too how and why I feel this way and we can agree together on how to make each other fell good about the long-term outcome of the boundaries we set. I love your spirit and energy and I THANK YOU immensely for all that your are giving to all of us women who need this kind of sound advice. Much love, God bless!!
I would not be friends with a woman who had previous sex with my boyfriend......but then I am old-fashioned
Exactly like my partner and his female best friend did to me. They barely invited me and always hangout alone.
My so called girlfriend isn't transparent about her guy friends. She separates me from them, and I can sense she is NOT honest about things.😯 We talked about it like the video here, but it doesn't sink into her head on the topics. She'll then get mad and avoids me.
I'm tired feeling like shit.😯 She has more chemistry with them than she does with me. she even calls them "love" sometimes 😟I just wished she would be in my shoes sometimes. yeah, I think we should break up.💔
I've been with her for 4 years and nothing has changed. God I wished I had my 4 years back with no memory of her.
cant get the time back but there is no better time than to day for new healthy beginnings.. just look ahead to a better day of being loved by someone who wants you
Saul
What ended up happening? I hope you left that toxic relationship. Anyone who treats their significant other that way doesn't deserve them. Hope you found someone else that appreciates you.
Don't put up with more day of that BS.
its really difficult waters to navigate. thank you for the insights, its really useful
Funny fact is that I am the loyal partner who knows to keep distance from friends of the opposite sex, without him having to specifically telling me what to do, but my ex seemed like he didn’t know the boundaries, even though I already made myself clear before that. He hid and lied to me about his interactions with other girls. And those broke our trust. Since then, I became anxious and insecure. I repeated to him my boundaries again, and told him he had to take action to earn back my trust. Yet, he broke up with me, saying that it’s too stressful and I’m too much. But… it was him who crossed the boundary first… I just felt confused and disappointed. He said he lied to me, because he was afraid that I will be angry, the same old excuse again. I feel like i don’t have the right to feel angry anymore. Then, why, knowing that I would be angry, but he still chose to cross boundary with other girls? He made a choice in hurting me and didn’t care about losing me. I feel disrespected.
That’s how i feel like left out cuz it seems like i could never compare with them
Dear Matthew, Have you ever had a best friend who is a female? Yes, this video is geared towards the lady who is in a relationship with a man, whose best friend is a female. As someone who is best friends with a male, I have the respect for his relationship, to actually step away and yet, be there for him when he needs me. I never wanna be considered a threat to my best friend's girlfriend/ wife. But at the same time, there are some things in my personal life and his personal life, that we both trust to be strictly confidential and that is a trust that is not meant to be broken.
Get a boyfriend of your own and if he has a best female friend then it’s okay to be okay with it. Till then take back seat.
From a man's point of view, I greatly appreciate it and it could be very helpful for a new couple's and couples that are in same situations such as those you mentioned. All respect to you bra.
Please make more vids about jealousy. It's one of my biggest struggles.
For me it only means one thing when your bf befriends other females, you’re not enough.
Exactly. He need options or he has a attention problem n need female attention
dbedazzling1 not true, I have a gf and I have female friends, and I don’t look at them as “options” or to get “attention” from them, they’re just simply friends.
@@DeFlaxi thats great as long as your female friends don't take attention away from your gf n your gf does not complain about your female friends. Other guys keep the gf n female friends secrets fr each other so the intention is diff.
That's kinda sad honestly, i'm bi so i should only talk to my partner by your logic. That thing sounds more like trust issues to me. Got cheated on twice but that isn't an excuse for putting my problems on my partner, you can't stop a cheater from cheating and if that happens it's HIS/HER fault, not yours. Also communication and trust are really really important in a relathionship.
Why do you do this Matthew? You ALWAYS discuss issues that i am going through right now. I had a discussion with my long distance partner yesterday about this. He just moved to the other end of the world to study for a year and instantly became friends with a female who he met on the bus( Same university). When i called him, he said he's with her as she wanted to look for a house. I was shocked and felt very weird because we're already in a long distance and this adds so much tension in our relationship.
I am fine with him hanging out with women and men in a group but going out alone with a woman makes me feel bad because it just wrong when you're in a long distance. There must be some ground rules! I am perfectly fine with him hanging out with his close female buddies. But i didn't know this new girl and felt like i was thrown into something. Discussed with him about this and he apologized. He said she wanted to look for houses when they were on the way to the mall and he obliged. Sadly, he also got her to his apartment as she was waiting for a call from a landlord. He shares a huge house with 7 others.Asked him how he would feel if i did the same thing? He said, he would be hurt. So i told him he's free to do whatever he wants to but don't expect me to wait around.
Ritu R dammmmmnnn I feeel ya 😭
Ritu R I'm really curious how are things with you and your bf now . Hope he didn't fall for her or anyone else . If you don't mind sharing 🙂🙂🙂
Ritu R what happened?
What? He was perfectly open with you about her! He wouldn't have done that if there were something to hide. Now he will hide his female friends even if there's nothing there because you have demonstrated that you are jealous even when nothing is going on.
kimberley brown no don't agree. It's not correct to just suddenly hang out alone with a girl you just met on the bus and then take her home with you. (While in a relationship) You must be naïve to think there's nothing more.
I totally agree with everything he has said. Well done explanation!
The video was made 5 years ago but works perfectly well. Thank you for the example speech. Because sometimes it’s difficult to say right words to my bf since he’s American and My first language isn’t English. Thank you so much !
My recommendation to couples is to get to know other couples. Have friends who are already in relationships and always involve your partner in any events you and your friend have. Make sure they are fully aware of everything you and your fried are doing, keep them updated. Check on them if they are being a little bit off with you. And always listen to what your partner has to say to you about your friend of the opposite sex. You would be surprised how much your partner sees that you don't.
My boyfriend fiancé is still friends with his ex girlfriend and i am not ok with it.. it’s hurting.. knowing that woman still can come in and out of the house just like that... this is really hurting..
Very very timely!!!! I've had three conversations with my bf about this issue of transparency and involvement. A neurotic, alcoholic ex keeps texting him (love and hate and I want you back if things don't work out). He brought it to my attention because after a dear pet died, he made the mistake of informing her. He said he's just going to ignore her texts until she stops because it worked in the past. He won't block her or tell her to disappear because we're in the same hiking club. He didn't introduce her to me at the first meeting I went to and that is where they met. I told him yesterday that he should go to the next meeting alone and see what happens or resolve it. I keep feeling insecure about it although he's reassured me quite a few times that I have nothing to worry about. He says he would like to remain friends with her if she would stop the craziness. He doesn't plan to hang out with her or go anywhere with her, only when we all attend the monthly meetings will he and I see her. Am I self-respecting enough? Is there more I should do?
Matthew, in the situation you had given the man lied to his girlfriend about his prior involvement with that "friend".
Wow! Thanks, this is what I needed to hear, just wish I had heard it 10 years ago. I am beginning to think my relationship is to messed up to fix. When I heard you say transparency and inclusion were the keys to having both relationships you are spot on!