I wasted 2 years in a situationship. I am now 2.5 months free from the situationship and the person. The detaching and pulling away naturally has been the key for me. I can admit I wasted MY OWN TIME, and I IGNORED a lot of red flags and wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Not anymore I see straight through him and all the games he played. I also recognize hook up culture is not a good thing for me , because you end up in situationships or FWBs. Which most people claim to not want these things but ultimately end up settling for these types of people and bad relationship set ups. I no longer want to progress a relationship with this person. We can't be friends, because we were never that to begin with. And again how is someone gonna be your friend yet never bothers to communicate with you unless its around SEX?! So yeah I am good.
Congrats for staying strong and putting your own needs before anyone else's. I hate situationships too...with a passion. If I'm not feeling it with someone after a couple of months, I end it. Anything longer complicates things if one person wants a relationship, and one doesn't.
Well, I’ve endured the same thing on and off for four years and am currently a month out of it. Hardest thing in my life to end this. Blocked him and like you said, I can’t be friends. It’s too hard to settle for just friendship when I wanted so much more. 💔 😔
I was in a situationship for about half a Year. I am a DA. So, it was a pretty good form of a relationship for me, but then I realized that I have fallen in love and I decided to work on my DA attachment style and become more secure. So, I understood that this is not gonna work for me anymore. I need to try to find a normal relationship after I fix my DA style completely. So, currently I am in love and lonely.) I hope, I'll cope and be happy someday.
Yup. That's how I could tell my Personal Development School courses were well worth it to become secure. When you're healed, you don't even want to deal with the nonsense.
I took your test and showed I am a secure person. I'm in a situation and choosing to stay in it. The reason is that I have multiple sclerosis, and I'm receiving help that I really need. I don't have any other resources to get the help I need. Plus, he's my best friend.
After 4 years of pretty intensive therapy (different kinds, several times a week), plus tons of self-directed learning and self-examination, I was finally able to put what Thais here is talking about into practise, almost to a T. I became progressively more and more frustrated, and we agreed to leave it at that after 7 weeks. The sad thing is, though, that the other person is unlikely to wake up. They will not, in fact, understand the break-up as a springboard to explore themselves, and ask themselves why they are unable to engage in the most basic to-be-expected human communication. It's like an addict, they need to want to change, and if they do: great, one can stick it out and grow together -- most of the time, they do not want to change, or cannot change because they're so incredibly scared, and then there is nothing else to do except wish them well and leave. And go find the next situationship, because let's face it: the problem really is straight men who can't get themselves into therapy.
i was in a situationship for 1.5 years. i was the secure person & he kept pushing and pushing which annoyed me so much. we stopped seeing each other & had a distant ‘friendship’ cause he was people pleasing me. it broke apart when he kept pushing and pushing again and i said no no no no NO !!!! i was always firm in my stance of no i want to be out of your life & he kept insisting. it angers me so much
7:16 What does a discussion about feelings, needs and expectations look like? How do you even get to that type of conversation? I grew up in a household where things weren’t discussed so I really have no idea how to approach this (so I just continue to people please).
Its just kind of a leap of faith after you got to know someone long enough, I put it off for an extra 2 months because I just had no idea how to bring it up or discuss it. But in the end I just told her I was uncomfortable at the thought shed be dating other people and I not be able to stomach being around at all if it came to that/me becoming less of a priority, could probably word it better than me but you just kind of have to bite the bullet on bringing it up but not come on too strong if you know the other person has avoidance. Its better than letting those thoughts wander long term and it might even work out like with what happened with me.
@@gatorssbm thank you so much for sharing that. I once tried broaching the topic with an ex I had reconnected with - which led us to being in a situationship. At the time I had left out the MY FEELINGS part (FA here. Just started this journey of learning about my own feelings and needs). He answered by saying we were friends, so I felt rejected… Ended up pulling a 180 and went straight into my dismissive side… 🤦♀️ Anyways, I do appreciate your example though. It’s better to have SOME idea than none at all.
@@ptlc Yeah I feel you, as soon as I got the first hint they probably werent interested I just completely shut down and asked they not see me in 2 months. But thankfully I was able to eventually bring up why I did it about a week after because they didnt want me to just shut em out either. Its just so difficult bringing up how you feel but I had pretty much nothing to lose at that point, I wouldve regretted it more if I did lose em after that.
For me it was rougher than it probably needed to be. A big ol phone call and letter. (I ended the friendship, at least in its current, intense form)I was a bit dramatic, but I did follow up weekly till, well, she decided to ghost me. Which, honestly, was not the worst outcome conceivable. She already sort of tended to do that--it was sort of expected. Which was one of the signs of it being a situationship. Extra context: I was the co-dependent. I had a crush, openly on her. We agreed to be friends. I felt like I was getting mixed signals as the months went by, and despite loving her very much, decided to end the situationship. And now she's sorta probably going thru her own processing of everything, doing her DA things while I do my FA/AP things. I feel much, much more secure now, though. I may have progressed more than I give myself credit for.
@ptlc It's hard because, as FAs, the fear of rejection and being misunderstood is strong, however it comes simply into the form of "Hey, I need to talk to you about how I'm feeling." And that's it, really... I know how hard it is but remember that nobody can read your mind and that YOU are not required to read the mind of others. If they start making assumptions, get them back to square one and tell clearly what you think and feel, what you understood, ask for clarification when necessary. There's nothing shameful about it and if they judge you for trying and communicating like this, it's a telltale sign that they have their own issues to deal with that make the conversation impossible to sustain. Remember to use "I statements" and not "you statements" to talk in an affirmative way. For example, you and your partner had an appointment and the other person is late but hasn't contacted you or warned you of their delay. You may feel abandoned or that the other person doesn't care to leave you waiting. It's important that when you talk with this person you express your emotions without accusing them. For example, say "I feel sad and let down when you are late and leave me hanging like this" and not something like "You don't care about me" or some other judgemental words. This is because feelings are always truthful and facts as well. You can also only truly know yourself and not others: you know that when X happened you felt Y. That's what you need to communicate. Maybe also ask the other to be collaborative, for example "next time you're late, could you please text me or call me/find your way to let me know you're late?". That's setting a boundary too. Hope my reply helped!
I'm so glad you made that clear distinction between a casual relationship and a situationship. I've actually enjoyed many casual relationships (more than serious ones) and the key as you mentioned was both parties KNOWING. Some of the subscribers on this channel lashed out at me when I commented on another video where you discussed situationships and I shared my thoughts on keeping things casual. It's funny how I can never find them on videos like this where you confirm my position on some things. Great video!
mine labelled me as husband but it was a situationship in the end. She was actually a cheater in the end after 7 month of being kept in the dark i know one person who knows her and she ghosted another guy which also she initiate in the relationship in the same time frame when we were together. I cant imagine all the lies she said to me and the still being shameless without any feelings.
the problem is that the men often develop "feelings" much earlier and just as the women starts to develop some, it's often too late because it's really hard for some men to have sex with a woman that isn't feeling the same in the moment, especially if you don't have much time with those 1-2 day-dates when living further apart, that half minute when the girl is ready and plays with her hair it feels so artificial because of the time pressure. In my youth we used to hang up months over months sleeping beneath each other and over some time falling in love, but falling in love halfway over the telephone/internet and then trying to make something out of it when you see each other every other week for 1-2 days, it's the most stressfull thing I had experienced as the pressure to have sex rises infinitely and if you don't have many exes or other ways to find sex, most men will put too much pressure on the girl to be ready and so on.
Interesting insight. I though this was just gonna be that "All men are X, all women or Y," but it seems you're going more in the direction of "People have different paces, and this makes natural relationship evolution a bit more difficult for those who aren't the most secure or 100% stable. People who can't handle the social media + IRL balance are going to have a much harder time balancing out when to get more intimate with their partners, physically." Which is interesting.
I don't know if I'm secure or not but if we go out regularly and not seeing others (which I don't do anyway), we are boyfriend and girlfriend even if the guy doesn't put a label on it. For me the definition of a relationship is this. Probably I would bring definitions up early on. But this labelling nonsense is not for me. Also, the moment he says "...but we are not boyfriend and girlfriend..." I am out, breaking up with him.
Wish I had seen this 2 months earlier. Ah, you JUST uploaded it. LMAO Is it because situationships are REALLLLY trending rn?!?! What's happening in the world?!
![[UNCUT] "บอสณวัฒน์" แฉ! แหล่งซุกเงินแก๊งบอส ขยันผิดที่ไม่กี่ปีก็เข้าคุก l คนดังนั่งเคลียร์ l17ต.ค.67](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/BL56qIfXYZM/mqdefault.jpg)
I wasted 2 years in a situationship. I am now 2.5 months free from the situationship and the person. The detaching and pulling away naturally has been the key for me. I can admit I wasted MY OWN TIME, and I IGNORED a lot of red flags and wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Not anymore I see straight through him and all the games he played. I also recognize hook up culture is not a good thing for me , because you end up in situationships or FWBs. Which most people claim to not want these things but ultimately end up settling for these types of people and bad relationship set ups. I no longer want to progress a relationship with this person. We can't be friends, because we were never that to begin with. And again how is someone gonna be your friend yet never bothers to communicate with you unless its around SEX?! So yeah I am good.
Congrats for staying strong and putting your own needs before anyone else's. I hate situationships too...with a passion. If I'm not feeling it with someone after a couple of months, I end it. Anything longer complicates things if one person wants a relationship, and one doesn't.
Well, I’ve endured the same thing on and off for four years and am currently a month out of it. Hardest thing in my life to end this. Blocked him and like you said, I can’t be friends. It’s too hard to settle for just friendship when I wanted so much more. 💔 😔
I could have written your story! Wasted 2 years but only out of it for a week. FWB or situationships does not work for me either…
I was in a situationship for about half a Year. I am a DA. So, it was a pretty good form of a relationship for me, but then I realized that I have fallen in love and I decided to work on my DA attachment style and become more secure. So, I understood that this is not gonna work for me anymore. I need to try to find a normal relationship after I fix my DA style completely. So, currently I am in love and lonely.) I hope, I'll cope and be happy someday.
A secure person would not tolerate that at all. They would get out the moment they realized what was going on
Yup. That's how I could tell my Personal Development School courses were well worth it to become secure. When you're healed, you don't even want to deal with the nonsense.
I took your test and showed I am a secure person. I'm in a situation and choosing to stay in it. The reason is that I have multiple sclerosis, and I'm receiving help that I really need. I don't have any other resources to get the help I need. Plus, he's my best friend.
I'm glad you're getting the help you need.
I just ended a situation ship. It was brutal at first. I loved her. But i have to preserve my sanity.
incredibly based.
After 4 years of pretty intensive therapy (different kinds, several times a week), plus tons of self-directed learning and self-examination, I was finally able to put what Thais here is talking about into practise, almost to a T. I became progressively more and more frustrated, and we agreed to leave it at that after 7 weeks. The sad thing is, though, that the other person is unlikely to wake up. They will not, in fact, understand the break-up as a springboard to explore themselves, and ask themselves why they are unable to engage in the most basic to-be-expected human communication. It's like an addict, they need to want to change, and if they do: great, one can stick it out and grow together -- most of the time, they do not want to change, or cannot change because they're so incredibly scared, and then there is nothing else to do except wish them well and leave. And go find the next situationship, because let's face it: the problem really is straight men who can't get themselves into therapy.
So true! A securely attached person would appreciate the opportunity ❤
YES!!!! well said.
i was in a situationship for 1.5 years. i was the secure person & he kept pushing and pushing which annoyed me so much. we stopped seeing each other & had a distant ‘friendship’ cause he was people pleasing me. it broke apart when he kept pushing and pushing again and i said no no no no NO !!!! i was always firm in my stance of no i want to be out of your life & he kept insisting. it angers me so much
7:16 What does a discussion about feelings, needs and expectations look like? How do you even get to that type of conversation? I grew up in a household where things weren’t discussed so I really have no idea how to approach this (so I just continue to people please).
Its just kind of a leap of faith after you got to know someone long enough, I put it off for an extra 2 months because I just had no idea how to bring it up or discuss it. But in the end I just told her I was uncomfortable at the thought shed be dating other people and I not be able to stomach being around at all if it came to that/me becoming less of a priority, could probably word it better than me but you just kind of have to bite the bullet on bringing it up but not come on too strong if you know the other person has avoidance. Its better than letting those thoughts wander long term and it might even work out like with what happened with me.
@@gatorssbm thank you so much for sharing that. I once tried broaching the topic with an ex I had reconnected with - which led us to being in a situationship. At the time I had left out the MY FEELINGS part (FA here. Just started this journey of learning about my own feelings and needs). He answered by saying we were friends, so I felt rejected… Ended up pulling a 180 and went straight into my dismissive side… 🤦♀️
Anyways, I do appreciate your example though. It’s better to have SOME idea than none at all.
@@ptlc Yeah I feel you, as soon as I got the first hint they probably werent interested I just completely shut down and asked they not see me in 2 months. But thankfully I was able to eventually bring up why I did it about a week after because they didnt want me to just shut em out either. Its just so difficult bringing up how you feel but I had pretty much nothing to lose at that point, I wouldve regretted it more if I did lose em after that.
For me it was rougher than it probably needed to be.
A big ol phone call and letter. (I ended the friendship, at least in its current, intense form)I was a bit dramatic, but I did follow up weekly till, well, she decided to ghost me. Which, honestly, was not the worst outcome conceivable. She already sort of tended to do that--it was sort of expected. Which was one of the signs of it being a situationship.
Extra context: I was the co-dependent. I had a crush, openly on her. We agreed to be friends. I felt like I was getting mixed signals as the months went by, and despite loving her very much, decided to end the situationship. And now she's sorta probably going thru her own processing of everything, doing her DA things while I do my FA/AP things. I feel much, much more secure now, though. I may have progressed more than I give myself credit for.
@ptlc It's hard because, as FAs, the fear of rejection and being misunderstood is strong, however it comes simply into the form of "Hey, I need to talk to you about how I'm feeling." And that's it, really... I know how hard it is but remember that nobody can read your mind and that YOU are not required to read the mind of others. If they start making assumptions, get them back to square one and tell clearly what you think and feel, what you understood, ask for clarification when necessary. There's nothing shameful about it and if they judge you for trying and communicating like this, it's a telltale sign that they have their own issues to deal with that make the conversation impossible to sustain.
Remember to use "I statements" and not "you statements" to talk in an affirmative way. For example, you and your partner had an appointment and the other person is late but hasn't contacted you or warned you of their delay. You may feel abandoned or that the other person doesn't care to leave you waiting. It's important that when you talk with this person you express your emotions without accusing them. For example, say "I feel sad and let down when you are late and leave me hanging like this" and not something like "You don't care about me" or some other judgemental words. This is because feelings are always truthful and facts as well. You can also only truly know yourself and not others: you know that when X happened you felt Y. That's what you need to communicate. Maybe also ask the other to be collaborative, for example "next time you're late, could you please text me or call me/find your way to let me know you're late?". That's setting a boundary too.
Hope my reply helped!
❤I'm secure! Whoo hoo! Love this!
I'm so glad you made that clear distinction between a casual relationship and a situationship. I've actually enjoyed many casual relationships (more than serious ones) and the key as you mentioned was both parties KNOWING. Some of the subscribers on this channel lashed out at me when I commented on another video where you discussed situationships and I shared my thoughts on keeping things casual. It's funny how I can never find them on videos like this where you confirm my position on some things. Great video!
mine labelled me as husband but it was a situationship in the end. She was actually a cheater in the end after 7 month of being kept in the dark i know one person who knows her and she ghosted another guy which also she initiate in the relationship in the same time frame when we were together. I cant imagine all the lies she said to me and the still being shameless without any feelings.
Sadly me and my ex ended up in a situationship after the breakup because we didn’t want to stop seeing each other but sadly he ended
the problem is that the men often develop "feelings" much earlier and just as the women starts to develop some, it's often too late because it's really hard for some men to have sex with a woman that isn't feeling the same in the moment, especially if you don't have much time with those 1-2 day-dates when living further apart, that half minute when the girl is ready and plays with her hair it feels so artificial because of the time pressure.
In my youth we used to hang up months over months sleeping beneath each other and over some time falling in love, but falling in love halfway over the telephone/internet and then trying to make something out of it when you see each other every other week for 1-2 days, it's the most stressfull thing I had experienced as the pressure to have sex rises infinitely and if you don't have many exes or other ways to find sex, most men will put too much pressure on the girl to be ready and so on.
Interesting insight. I though this was just gonna be that "All men are X, all women or Y," but it seems you're going more in the direction of "People have different paces, and this makes natural relationship evolution a bit more difficult for those who aren't the most secure or 100% stable. People who can't handle the social media + IRL balance are going to have a much harder time balancing out when to get more intimate with their partners, physically."
Which is interesting.
Do you find there are different dynamics based on gender? e.g. wanting the man to take the lead on moving it forward
I don't know if I'm secure or not but if we go out regularly and not seeing others (which I don't do anyway), we are boyfriend and girlfriend even if the guy doesn't put a label on it. For me the definition of a relationship is this. Probably I would bring definitions up early on.
But this labelling nonsense is not for me.
Also, the moment he says "...but we are not boyfriend and girlfriend..." I am out, breaking up with him.
Wish I had seen this 2 months earlier. Ah, you JUST uploaded it. LMAO
Is it because situationships are REALLLLY trending rn?!?! What's happening in the world?!
NO WAY, I reacted the same way a securely person would react?! ;O; damn
holy shit those eyebrows..... wow......