Passive Self-Injury Explained: Why It’s So Confusing
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 2 ต.ค. 2024
- On Ask Kati Anything, your mental health podcast episode 220, licensed therapist Kati Morton delves into the complexities of suicidal thoughts, the impact of a therapist's age on therapy, and the appropriateness of requesting more physical touch from a therapist. She also clarifies the differences between Patreon and TH-cam memberships, offers strategies for overcoming depressive symptoms, and discusses how experiencing sexual abuse at a young age can lead to abusive behaviors in the future.
Audience questions:
1. I have no plan or intent but SI consumes a lot of my thoughts. I have struggled with passive SI for a while but not usually as often and I started doing things like cleaning my room just in case I die even though I have no plan. I don’t know why these thoughts keep entering my brain and I feel confused because the thought of dying both calms me and makes me terrified at the same time. I’m too afraid to talk about it in therapy and then I convince myself it’s not that big of a deal so I don’t say anything. I hope this makes sense because I’m confused with my own thoughts. 01:10
2. My past therapists have all been much older than me, but my current therapist is a few years younger, not by much, but enough for me to feel uneasy. It's been a few years and I am much more comfortable with her now. However, I still find myself screening what I say and I am reluctant to share my struggles. In the last few years, she has gotten married, had a kid, and lost a parent. I already feel like I've fallen behind in life because of my depression and GAD.... 11:33
3. How do you go about asking your therapist for more physical touch? I don’t want to cross any boundaries I don’t know about, and at the same time I worry that I will feel awful if she says no… so I’m really afraid to ask. She has used touch in the past with me (held my hand, placed her hand on my knee to remind me that she was still there when I was disassociating), but I’m scared to ask for it. How do I get over the fear of rejection from her even when I know it would just be a professional boundary? Thank you for these amazing videos! They have helped me so much! 18:55
4. I wonder if you can explain how you view your relationship with your patreons/ community members? I have been thinking of joining but l'm a bit confused about what the relationship is? Thanks. Hope you don't mind me asking again. 30:10
5. I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for the last few years, now I am constantly struggling with a very low mood. I feel like I'm trying to climb out of a dark hole. As it is affecting the normal everyday aspects of my life. What can I do to try and turn these around on a personal level? I have little to no energy or motivation every day. And I've tried thinking positively about different things but still have more negative thoughts instead of positive. I have felt more sadness than happiness in my emotions and I honestly hate it. Please help? 32:37
6. Hey Kati not really sure if you would want to even talk to someone like me but here we go I guess.. Me and my younger sister were both SA by our dad from a very young age. My sister has started therapy recently and has been encouraging me to go too. I have thought about it but now don't feel like anyone would want to have me as a patient. Our abuser recently passed away and as I was going through boxes I came across some pics. I won't say what type but I'm sure you can guess. Anyway there was one of me around 3 hurting my sis. I feel totally disgusted by myself and I don't know what to do... 35:47
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I'm not trying to be dramatic, but I tend to hurt the most when I DO have hope for the future. You expect these good things to happen, and then year after year after year after year they just don't. Whether it's due to survival mode or not, it just hurts too fucking much.
Yep…I have had to cancel going to a big event 3 years in a row because of my health.
Right. If you don't get your hopes up, you don't get disappointed. I get it.
Being hopeful can be exhausting. It’s hard to share that as most people don’t understand.
Yes, being let down by myself, others, hopes and dreams, my health, I actually positive once in awhile I might belive it. But I no longer believe it will get better. And that’s what I’m dealing with. Even feeling like suicide itself feels like a luxury. I have my doctor stumped and myself. I’ve tried so many. I’m just done,
@@70kers I'm so sorry!!! Do you have a really good therapist that ypu trust and can talk about anything and everything to? My therapist saved my life for sure.
“No one recovers from the disease of being born, a deadly wound if there ever was one.”
― Emil Cioran
What about when they die? Isn't that a form of recovering from being born?
I would love to see a conversation between Kati and Dr K from healthy gamer gg
No matter what I do, I can't stop ruminating. I journal, exercise, walk my dog, etc but as soon as I'm alone in my thoughts, I just go straight back to ruminating. I miss my ex so much it feels unbearable.
Same with me. Being alone in my own thoughts is dangerous. I try to keep myself as busy as possible and rest when I need to. It really helps to have a hobby or something relaxing. You can enjoy.
@@sherrieh2062 I was in art therapy for awhile and now sometimes I just doodle or scribble in my journal until I feel the feeling come out.
Coloring books are soothing for this reason too. There's something about giving myself space to be imperfect, messy and honest that does help.
Maybe it's okay to just be sad but also, write down the pros of being on your own, and the cons of being with your ex. Your ex is an ex for a reason. No one is perfect and either there is a lesson on your part you need to learn (mine was about figuring out anger expression) or they didn't have what you needed from them.
It's okay to be sad. It's okay to grieve. However, let's take a look at how you may be elevating someone to fit being a perfect partner. If you give yourself your own needs first, then even when space is empty, you are always available to fill it.
Doesn't mean you can't want a partner but it does make the space more fun and less lonely. 🩷
Ruminating is an incredibly awful thing to go through. It is as bad as it can get, not being able to control your thoughts. I had gotten out of a 5 year relationship, moved back home, lost all my friends, and my besties friend of all my ex. It took me 10 1/2 whole months to finally stop. each day was a struggle, and it just 100% takes time. You cannot expect your heart to heal in a day, a week, or a month. I can’t speak for everyone, my ex engaged a new girl 4 months after. Which made everything hurt 10x more. But I promise you it get better. It’s officially been one whole year, and i still struggle days but I am not ruminating or sobbing everyday like I was. I dove into music and running/exercising for help, and that really helped me. I hope you can heal soon. I believe in you❤
@brlyalveb I have had unbearable sadness after breaking up with my ex in 2008. I thought the sadness would never end. It eventually did. Somehow, and I am not sure how, but we reconnected *_as friends_* (he had gotten married a few years after our breakup, and has a family, so there is absolutely no possibility for anything more, and I wouldn't want that anyway). All this to say, I hope your pain is dissipating over time, but if in the event that it is occupying much of your thoughts and becoming obsessive and interrupting your _"life stuff",_ please do consider working out your sadness with a therapist. Good luck and take care.
For a glimmer, I like keeping a concert on the future. 8-10 months away from now I have something exciting to do. It has helped a lot.
@Devonthe12thmoon Before Covid, I used to plan and go to concerts of artists I loved, and also planned for and traveled a bit. I lost my job (have been working on and off since then, but not steadily), and moved from NYC where all those great concerts were.Your post gave me a lightbulb moment to remind me that I did have *_future glimmers of hope_* planned for and don't have that so much nowadays. I need to get that back. Thanks for posting, to help remind me of what worked for me in the past. 🎵🎶🎵☺️
Hi Kati, just a suggestion to please try to use recovery-oriented language, especially when discussing suicide and self-harm! E.g. "attempted suicide" vs "not successful". Thank you!
I thought passive self-harnen thoughts were not about hopelessness, but about self punishment because of induced shame.
Some people asked questions that I was wondering too. It’s pretty cool, because I thought I was the only one thinking that way. I glad I found this channel, but I don’t have therapist, too poor.
Can you get in a clinic or one through medicaid? Are you on Medicare? I have a policy that you can get if you are on Medicare and medicaid. It's called united Healthcare dual complete. No co-pays for anything. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. It pays for my meds and my Medicare premium. If you qualify, get it, and find a good therapist!!!
I can't watch the bit about why children who have been sexually abused grow up to be abusers. it's too triggering. We were sexually hurt as a child, and we would never in ten billion trillion years EVER do that to anyone else. we'd rather die.
It is such divine timing this video was posted only a few days after my own flare up of passive suicidal ideation. I haven't had these thoughts in years thanks to trauma therapy, but when my car broke down and ended up in the shop, the thoughts were triggered. I felt trapped without my car, and that's my single biggest trigger.
I knew I had to "sit in the ick" for a while. I sat down and wrote up a financial plan to pay for potential repair costs, vented to my mom about how awful my life is right now (just being dramatic. My life is actually great lol). And started to cry. Crying is such a great tool because it helps reduce the amount of neurotransmitters in the brain. I felt better immediately. I sure I slept well, and when I woke up the next day, I got to work doing things I knew would make me feel better, like cleaning. I kept myself busy until the mechanic called and had my car ready. And repairs were inexpensive!
I am SO PROUD of myself for working through those feelings. I let them pass and didn't hang on to them or worry about them. I forgot to mention that I did reach out to my therapist about it, and she got back to me the next day. She was proud of how I handled it.
I know from experience that the next time something like this happens, I'll handle it even better and the negative feelings will pass even faster. I hate that my brain does that, but I'm proud of my progress
Yes! You should be very proud of yourself!
@@sherrieh2062 thank you so much!!!
Good work! I’m sorry that was such a bad experience for you.
I fell back into SH on Monday after being free of it for 2+ years…I feel like I am currently surrounded by triggers. And being in an ED program right now, I can’t restrict or binge like I typically would. I’ve white-knuckled it for like a month. I forget what happened on Monday, but it was enough to send me over the edge…
Thankfully the program didn’t send me IP or kick me out. That would have made things 1,000x worse…It’s SO HARD to get rid of a coping mechanism that I’ve had my entire adult life…
Hey could you add timestamps?
There are some in the description. It is not as good as it can be but you can skip some questions this way
i can attest to the power of having an out. when i was ~7, i was so abused, neglected, and isolated that, when i saw my mom's full bottle of Rx tranqs in the cabinet, i cooked up a plan to sneak downstairs and take the whole bottle. the only fear i had was getting caught, in which case i knew i'd catch such a furious beating that i'd wish i had succeeded. the good thing about the fear of getting caught is that it gave me the space to assess seriously whether or not it was worth the risk or whether all i really needed was an out in case i got even more desperate. and, as you can tell from the fact that i'm writing this decades later, i decided that all i really needed was an out. and that out was something i kept close to my heart until i got to be a little older and had developed a few more better-but-still-not-good coping mechanisms and didn't need it any more.
Question number five is so relevant for me because I have lacked motivation for so, so long. I've tried multiple different medicines and none of them have helped with the lack of motivation or low mood. In some cases, medicine has just made it worse for me because it kind of dulls everything, including positive emotions. Then I got diagnosed with ADHD and I thought, oh, this is why I lack motivation. But I've been on ADHD meds for a while, and that helps somewhat, but not significantly. Then I tried anti-depressants and ADHD meds and it just gave me serotonin syndrome, so SSRIs and SSNIs are not an option for me anymore. I've tried forcing myself to do things, but there's like a wall in my brain and I can't get past it. My brain says no and that's that. There's no getting around it. I feel like I've tried everything (and yes I am in therapy) but I just can't seem to find the motivation to do anything other than what is required to pay my bills and survive.
@ambersexon517. ❤🙏🏻 Thank you for relating to my question number 5 I'm so sorry you are going though this too but glad you shared 🙏🏻take care
Can't wait for you to have a collab with Dr. K fr
That last one with the sister i am unsure that shes scared to start therapy at all but since her sisters in it maybe a start to go with her sister it might be more calming then going alone
I feel like I the fact that I CAN'T end my life (I have no plans of this) makes me feel trapped. I WISH I could die, but that's not an option, so I'm stuck in my hopeless life. Like, there's no way out of this because taking my life isn't a possibility. This leaves me feeling like there's nowhere to turn. I have a daughter and a granddaughter. My daughter would be absolutely furious with me for eternity. The thing is, most of the time, I feel like that's the only thing keeping me from making a plan.
I understand how you feel. I straight up know if I didn’t have kids I’d be dead long ago. Keep pushing your mind to remember the things that keep you here. For me it was just my kids but I’ve been able to believe that my pets also need me and my plants too. I still can’t believe my partner and the rest of my family and friends keep me here but I’m working on believing it. Keep fighting with positively. I know it’s so hard and thank you for helping me feel less alone. You’re definitely not alone ❤️🩹
@Katimorton. Thank you for answering my question ❤️🙏
Thank you for this (and all) episode! It unlocked some childhood memories and led to some realisations for me 😊
I wish you were my therapist ❤️❤️
7:36 felt that i alway felt like “im fine because i dont cut” but part of me wishes i did. A part of me wants to. But one of my thoughts is “im too old to do that i missed my chance” which kinda makes no since. And then i feel like i never starved enough to be anorexic. I never got thin. I never lost weight. So i failed. And its not real.
You captured exactly where I'm at. Thank you for commenting this.
Could selfharming thoughts could come about because we didn’t eat the foods that we need, could it be our microbiome?
@km-du2ww I can't speak to the microbiome theory question you had, but will say that when I eat a lot of crap (sugar, mostly), I will get aggravated with myself, self loathing, spiral downward quickly and often, have suicidal ideations following a sharp spiral.
Hopefully someone can answer your question in terms of a micro biome connection.
My sh was a validation to my feelings since I am gaslit all my life
Gorgeous blouse! 😍
Reminds me of the cover for her newest book: Traumatized
Wow she became an elegant beautiful woman! I watched her videos she put on youtube and she changed positively
What will send you to a psych war for a long time?
I know Kati you weren’t trying to be funny but as a msw in progress when you said you would have questions immediately if someone asked for touch in therapy session.
I'll tell u why feels like failure(projecting here) being told by multiple therapists that it didnt count as sh because didnt involve cutting & no blood. They have rigid standards to what sh is considered or not
I've been living on "little bits of hope" for nearly 40yrs. Getting tiring to have these when disappointment always follows. Why even continue to consider them when it's demonstrated that things don't get better in the long run.
TH-cams been doubling up on comments at times as well
Its probably for the same reason that happens a glitch on youtube trying to delay comments/delete them
In my case almost always the government deleting my comments
respect truth talker
What does it mean when you always feel like you're making a mistake?
i tried gun all6 wet bullets thew it at the door mums cme out check im ok she knew luck i call it got the $ back for it too
where do you send in questions?
Thanks a lot Kati.
im always me but the coin spins depend how it lands on you nice or nasty
I wish yiu would bookmark/add markers for the questions, otherwise it is tedious to find what you address in the title of the video
The questions are time stamped in the description
We are struggling with this thing right now
What you did with the hug is so sweet. 😭
Thanks for your videos, Kati! This came at a right time for me, I feel things are getting really bad again but I don't dare tell my therapist as summer holiday is right around the corner, and I don't want to cause drama..
Don’t be afraid. That is what your therapist is there for. Let it out and vent to her or him. You will feel better about it.
@@sherrieh2062 Thank you for taking your time to reply to my comment, i will try and tell her ❤️
I am short of breath and tight in my chest, I was sure it was all down to eating as my heart is fine. But a colonoscopy yesterday showed me that food has no place in my problem. I now realise that it is down to stress. But I don’t want to take medication, no thank you.
Do you sleep on a leesa mattress as well that causes health issues like that
Colonoscopies cant show that stuff they check for cancer and 0 with food and why there is a strict no eating before then and liquids only for something like several days before it 0 oatmeal like they claim to eat in america
Meds will not work with this issue
I ended up with that issues from chemicals I am unable to be around car pollution because of it and why I wear a mask
I am not surprised my other comment got removed by the government they dont want people to know about the leesa mattress causing that issue
As well as the other things I posted
Why not take meds if you need them. My meds definitely improve the quality of my life. I would be absolutely miserable without anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. I might not even be alive if I wasn't taking them. Why suffer more than you have to?
@lesliewells-ig5dl in america the meds make what happened to Jesse wellens mom and worse now look up roxaulti (I probably spelt that wrong) cannabis a better idea but I know why a lot of people want 0 cannabis as well
just 1 of many trys
The answer to the question at 22:32 is, I think, what I've been needing to hear for a long time now. Thank you. I think I forget my thoughts aren't necessarily true.
this helps me so so much, thank you kati 🥺 its crazy how much saying "okay?" comforts me and i just wanted to thank you for just being such an open and honest person and making these videos. I hope I have all the courage you have someday 🤍
@katimorton .i never thanked you for reading my question and giving me surportive and caring advice in your answer ❤🙏🏻