I'm anxious partner and I don't want to suffer for the love... infact I will not. So when my avoidant broke up with me I accepted it. I want a secure partner. I want stability.
I have been in a roller coaster marriage for almost ten years. After telling my husband to call a lawyer because I was DONE, in a last ditch effort my husband convinced me to watch these videos. It has our our personalities and relationship nailed down to the T. These videos have given me hope that we can break our cycle and keep our family together. Thank you for helping us!
Hopefully you can. I had a 3 year relationship with a woman who had anxious attachment and I seem to have avoidant style. It bothered me that she was so eager and chased me all the time and I felt relief whenever she took her own time. However she finally left me actually for the second time as she felt I was not giving her the affection she needed. She got tired chasing and gave me boot. After having my freedom I felt a desire to get her closer and back. And she agreed but the relationship did not really change as neither of us really understood what was happening. We did not know how to communicate properly either. All I wished was that she would give me enough space and not chase me all the time as I started to feel suffocated. But yeah anyways now we are broken up again and probably for good. Maybe it is for the best for the both of us. Nonetheless I want to change myself and get a healthy attachment style. I acknowledge there is a flaw in me I should try to repair. I also know my ex should change as well as her attachment style is hurting her as well.
Me too. I'm the Avoidant. I want to stay together. Omg so bad but he doesn't know I love him. He just doesn't understand. He's the Anxious one. I'm sharing these videos with him in an effort to heal our relationship.
I'd say I'm secure but when dealing with avoidant, it puts me in the place of anxious systematically which does not feel good nor natural to me so I try to not project, understand the other and if they don't want to work on it nor open up to dealing with the issues, I leave. I want a secure partner. I have just ended a 10 year relationship. He was sweet and responsive but the last 3 years of the relationship he signed out and became avoidant and dismissive. Shame! I loved him so much, we had such a special connection but I can't tolerate being made to feel like a mere asset or a piece of furniture 🙅♀️
I’m a recovering people pleaser with anxious attachment. I’m learning to speak up for myself and ask for reassurance when necessary but also self soothe. I’m learning to be more open to receiving more.
I'm so tired of the hit.. .. I hate the roller-coaster and drama... THIS VIDEO IS UNCOMFORTABLE TO HEAR I've watched and heard you and this a few times.... And I'm sick of chasing... I don't know why I'm chasing an arsehole (I could call him a cad but it wouldn't express the meaning ;) who ill treats me!.. I'm in the serenity prayer phase now... And finally accepting no Contact... I need to go away to my cave and lick my wounds and heal deeper wounds... I understand the dynamics ... Read all. The books... Watched lots about avoidants and narcissists... I'm worn out now.. Defeated by my own weary tapes... I am so looking forward to healing me and getting myself back... And back on track.... Self care... Self soothing.... Meditation.... Less obsession... Filling my head up with my fulfillment..... And not his problems.... Please god help me... 🙏 💛
Great video. Explains the dynamic perfectly. I spent 25 yrs with an avoidant, both of us naturally unconscious of our styles. IMHO It's a toxic setup with poor potential for successful outcomes unless both seek therapy individually. That's unlikely to happen, given the unconscious nature of our own styles and the inevitable blame game that goes on. My personal experience is the avoidant will sacrifice the anxious one into therapy and avoid getting help themselves but maybe that's not true in every case. I know we can't control who we fall in love with, but these 2 attachment styles together ought to carry a government mental health warning.
This is what most people think are "Twin Flame" relationships unfortunately. While I believe in it, it's rare and most people are likely to be consumed with a simply toxic partner that is unfit. This is the harsh truth. Just work on yourself and you will attract better. Trust in Universal timing and drop the "Twin Flame" stuff and see people for who they are.
I recently called it off w an anxious guy. It was...soul crushing to realise that I’m the avoidant one. I left him middle of the night when we argue and disappear for days. When he told me we need to called it off, then only I broke down crying. Something that surprises him. Like Briana said, I am deeply anxious actually. My ex partner finally wise up and pack his bags. Now I’m anxious all the time thinking about him while he avoids thinking about me. I need help to get over this - even if we don’t get back together. I’m just trying to be as healthy as I can now
This video gave me a good reason why I react instinctively, almost like an animal, when avoidant people rejects me: I become aggresive and intimidating, I "show my teeth" and try to scare them before they get to hurt me first.
The expectation to receive after giving is rather the expectation of reciprocity in one way or another, which is what a healthy relationship is mostly based on. Do not accept being made to feel less than or needy or "too intense" for wanting connection. A specific argument is that not having expectations is a good way to go about relationships and giving BUT one should have standards and boundaries also within oneself regarding giving too much or being too out there to the point that the partner feels saturated. And applying these boundaries to the partner, means not accepting lack of basic reciprocity, engagement, respons-ability. I think all open heart people would benefit from dealing with a dismissive avoidant. I am learning a ton from it myself. Learning about myself soooo much and I am very grateful for people like this lady who shares her knowledge in such effective way.
Btw - i want to add another angle : as a man, anxious, trapped in a relationship with an avoidant, i also see that there is a "reverse" of gender roles, i play the role of the "female" needy partner who wants more : more caring, more sex, more attention, more love...and my wife plays the "male" role of independent, cold, distant...blaming me of being clingy, immature, weak - the result is that i feel she doesn't respect me as a man, says she doesn't miss me when away, she is not attracted to me...i am the one who suggest to go to couples therapy and she doesn't want, i am the one who tries again and again to talk about us and find ways to understand our "dance", send her links to this video and others...so that is another angle of this very complicated trap...
dear moishe siel, the other angle just might be that it is time to really listen to what you are saying,truthfully,compassionately and understand that while you are doing all the running around,bending backwards,going the extra distance to "save the relationship" you are continuing to play out your own ingrained anxious behavior. Moishe siel could it be time to stop and start nurturing the deep wounds that you carry and start to grow out of this way of being,it's the biggest gift you will ever give yourself! So that in time you can indeed one day you can have someone that truly wants to be with you,where you both choose to be together not push and pull all day long. Best of luck!
Thank you very much.. I see myself within parts of both.. learning about myself, sucks a bit.. but know the understanding will assist rebuilding a new confident self.. cheers again..
Do you think these people ever change? My last relationship was the trap 100% and it was the hardest most painful breakup of my life. I am still dealing with it. We dated for about a year but it was a constant pull and pull, we were so happy but he was so scared to commit and always tried to keep distance but never wanted to let me go or see anyone else. Finally, he decided to seriously commit to me and it was good but it still wasn't exactly what I needed and I would get anxious a lot, not even always sharing it with him but I was definitely distressed. His past significant partners had both cheated on him due to the emotional distance he created in relationship and he always said he "wasn't ready" or that "he didn't believe he could make me happy" that I would get upset and do the same thing they did, "didn't have time for the work it takes for relationship to work" but then wouldn't leave me alone. He would always say that he wanted to be with me but just couldn't, that we worked together but he just doesn't work in a relationship right now. I would tell him we couldn't talk anymore and then two months later, I would hear from him and we would hang and I would get my hopes up. Finally after the last time, i could just tell things weren't going to change and we decided to stop again because once again he just doesn't have it in him to be in a committed relationship. He is younger too and in a different place, 27 and i am 33. Issues with his father and a very stressful family life and business. This was after a year of back and forth and trying AFTER we broke up. A few weeks later i found out he was seeing someone else - he told me she was nothing and that it wasn't serious and that he still didn't want a serious relationship but i know they are still seeing each other and it has been like 3 months now. If i could believe that he won't change, then I can have peace knowing that he will never make me happy but the anxious part of me makes me feel like he is giving this girl everything i would have needed to be more secure so I ask, since you are an expert? do you think that is even possible? it's how he has always been so I know deep down that probably isn't true. If they do work out, my best guess is that she is secure and can handle his distance and emotional unavailability in a way that I couldn't and don't want to but not that he has changed. Would love to know your thoughts :)
Hey , I so relate to you.. I'm also an anxious partner , my ex is an avoidant. Since he broke up with me 4 days ago because I asked to be valued, made a priority , also asked for commitment. Will my avoidant ever reach out to me after he broke up with me and approximately how long would it take? I'm not chasing him.. but if I don't reach out will he ever?
Love this vid and looking forward to the next! 13mins In “ I know what my problem is...why don’t I feel differently” MY LIFE STRUGGLE summed up in 30seconds 😞
Why can’t we all just be normal. My recent x is always extra, I avoid. I wish I would have know this earlier to work on myself, but a little to late I guess. As a couple, I must say, if there are issues, see a relationship counselor before breaking it off. Unfortunately, in my situation, I offered and she refused. Maybe there was a deeper reason, but if two won’t agree to seek help, nothing really matters. I pray for her happiness, and I broke the NC to share this video. Whether she and I are ever together again, I love her to help her.
Some people are so hurt and turn into a complex person, I’m very sad a simple Love has to be this difficult with theory. Simply allow Love to come in your life and accept whatever comes. Love is what keeps us alive. Please.
Love this five part series! As a recovery coach that promotes harm reduction my ears perked up when I heard "Drug Addict." It's not just PC to speak about person first. A person is always a person. How about one that is addicted? We are not our pathologies. As clinicians our responsibility is to advocate for our clients while serving as a catalyst to reduce shame and stigma... Ya know, how super heroes do. I am learning more and more every day. I thank you! Great clarification! I love how you shaped the context, theories set in specific examples.
Good information Briana. But I will say I think this is A case-by-case scenario or that I just have a little bit more of a secure attachment style than I do anxious. I married a woman with a dis-organized attachment style and what seems to be BPD as well. And I can’t say that I enjoy any part of this at all. While my mother wasn’t the best I had a secure home with both mom and dad in the household, and I have the ability to show and maintain love with confidence. However after her and I got married she had been off her depression medication for about three months. I noticed some change with how she dealt with things. But then she went into this “push pull” I love you more than anything for a few days but then I hate everything about you and ignore you and our kids for the next few days. I could literally watch her spiral into a reclusive shell where nothing I would do would make a difference. I tried talking to her about it however she’s an avoidant so that obviously didn’t work, i’ll try just staying in her present but being quiet or silent which didn’t seem to matter either, and I also tried just giving her her space and staying to myself however I actually think that was the worst option of the 3 because it seemed to actually only make her worse! So on three occasions I have packed my bags and left because nothing I said or done yielded anything good, and was tired of my kids and I being treated in such a cruel manner. When I left she then reach out saying she wanted to fix herself however she made no effort in to really changing, however I do think deep down she wants to. She only asked me to see a counselor in order to understand how to communicate with her because I had often tried to talk about things with us or our families direction etc when she didn’t want to talk about them. And often times “which was completely my fault” I would try to push conversation on her trying to make progress on coming up with a resolution on whatever the matter was when she didn’t want to talk. And I learned through those errors that it only made her worse in her communication! So it took a few times but I learned not to do that. And that everything that I had learned about women wanting a good communicator was not always true LOL. When she said she wanted to fix everything and would do whatever it was that our marriage needed, I don’t think she even understood why or what was going on with herself! So the best thing to her was to just place all the blame on me and keep score of every little thing I ever said or done. There were times I was actually taking blame for things that I didn’t even do just for sake of argument and trying to keep my marriage and family together. I feel that I showed anxious tendencies when she would go into these emotional disconnected times that were completely unfamiliar to me, and I feel like I was anxious because I always thought my marriage was ending and in my Christian beliefs a marriage ending is very tragic and should never really happened. But unfortunately it does. I will say in the part of your video about wanting to be the Saint in the matter I can relate to that part for certain, because with my Christian values I do feel like I need to be the best husband to her possible regardless of the situation and I do hope that she sees how hard I try one day and wants to fix herself. At this point we are separated and she is pregnant and it’s very very unfortunate. I do pray for anyone going through such a tragic thing as I am. My family has been torn apart because of all of this! She has even ran me down to friends and family which is very disheartening considering how hard I have tried to keep us together, willing to go to counseling, have been supportive of her choices, and even cried and begged for her to get help or even talk to me about things that would help our families situation. So I do think sometimes that a person with more of a secure attachment style can be in a certain situation that can lead them to have anxious behaviors when something meaningful is in jeopardy!
You are just brilliant... This makes sense in every way. What kind of body therapeutic activities would help balancing my anxious attachment style? I've tried many things in the past, including rolfing, but some things were too overwhelming... I understand that to "break free" you have to deal with your whole being. Thank you for this.
nah cause I thought I was crazy, stupid and dumb. literally felt like something is wrong with me. I have a tough exterior to the world but with him im like silly puddy in his hands. Often times he would call me too sensitive, clingy and overwhelming. I would call him neglectful, selfish and cold at times. This has been going on for years! I think I just found the main trigger for the anxiety that''s related to my relationship. As much as it it sounds all bad its not, I love him and our love is very intense at times (good/bad). I tried leaving and being with someone else before I learned of the attachment styles. It was so hard to stay away, we got back together and im full throttle into the relationship. I want to work it out.
Hello, Brianna! Your channel is awesome! Could you tell us when or how do we know that we really healed after a break up? How can someone with anxious or fearful avoidant attachment heal when they're not in a relationship? And when is it healthy for somebody with those attachment styles to go out and meet new people, or even get in a new relationship?
Where are the other 4 parts of the series of 5 videos? I've been searching it on your channel, but couldn't get any. Can you please provide the link to them. That'd be help. Thanks Briana. loads of love
I would be very interested in a video about relationships where both are avoidants. Either both dismissive og one fearful and one dismissive, preferably both scenarios. How does that play out? If you already adressed this in a video, please let me know which one!
Is there any way i can get rid of these negative( charges)experiences that have been "stored in my body" im assuming another word for trauma? Is there a way to?
Hi Briana, Thank you for your videos. They helped me immensely. I couldn’t access 2,3,4 or 5, videos, nor the Q@A. Are these videos not available any more? Thank you!
Thank you for watching and for your inquiry. The other videos in this series have been privatized and made into paid content. This course is only accessible with a purchase of one of my 101 courses. You can learn more here: www.brianamacwilliam.com/self-directed-online-courses. If you take this quiz, you also get a chance to purchase them at a discount: bit.ly/4LuvStylesFB . I hope it helps.
Thankyou so much for an amazing video - this has helped me soo much! The other videos in this series are showing up as ‘Private’ - is it possible to view them somehow? Thanks in advance 🙏
Brandon Faun that’s really rarely ever it. The subconscious is at work here...with deep childhood wounds and patterns running the show. It’s not at a conscious level usually. You’ve got to believe with good intent, as you would hope someone might for you..we are often SO wrong when we are applying negative intent to someone else’s behavior.
I'm the Avoidant. I'm trying to tell him how much I love him absolutely but just need space sometimes...like reading a book alone, sitting outside alone or whatever. Just a few hours a week is all I need but to an anxious partner this is devastating. And gets grossly misunderstood.
How about no chasing no games if we like each other can we just stop wasting time?! No control no drama just hot sex and amazing partnership which compliments each other. Is that possible?!
Thank you for watching and for your inquiry. The other videos in this series have been privatized and made into paid content. This course is only accessible with a purchase of one of my 101 courses. You can learn more here: www.brianamacwilliam.com/self-directed-online-courses. If you take this quiz, you also get a chance to purchase them at a discount: bit.ly/4LuvStylesFB . I hope it helps.
Hi Briana, what would you say about a person who exhibits traits that are both anxious and avoidant? I’ll refer to the guy I dated as “they” because it seemed like 2 people in 1. But aren’t we all a bit that way. 😆 To give you some background: I know they are suppressing a lot of trauma from their childhood, a lot of neglect, emotional manipulation and verbal abuse. So it’s unclear who they really are as a person, as they seem deeply and intentionally out of touch with their own emotions. They wear a stoic mask as a way to come across strong, but the mask seemed to shatter rather easily when I was too harsh in my tone, and too critical (both are flaws I am working to correct), because this went against their expectations. They claim to be...zen...and then apparently I caused the loss of said zen. I learned the most about them during fights, since they would yell their needs at me, finally. The rest of the time, it was like pulling teeth. They also insist on being “polite” and they try to accommodate me at their own expense, only to act massively angry at the breakup. As if it only affects them. Yet...then they would call me ungrateful for how much they do for me. They tried to pay for my rent as a surprise, then threw it in my face during an argument, which seems pretty “anxious.” Is this making any sense? Thanks for any input you have! P.S. I am sometimes anxious in my attachment, but also generally secure. But I figured if I am anxious, this person is likely avoidant...but now I’m not sure.
What but if you escape the trap then you won't become a secure partner. Don't escape instead do the polar opposite and you will both become securely attached, If you escape you will remain as you are and never change.
Wow you were so damn good. It was one of the best ways this anxious avoidant trap has been explained. I have read and researched about this a lot and still had a lot of doubts and was not quite satisfied. But the way you explained it was bang on. I am glad I found your channel and you earned yourself a new subscriber. I am an avoidant attachment style and there are some people who try to project that v try to exploit and take advantage of the anxious partners but u explained it quite well. What is your attachment style btw?
Thank you for watching and for your inquiry. The other videos in this series have been privatized and made into paid content. This course is only accessible with a purchase of one of my 101 courses. You can learn more here: www.brianamacwilliam.com/self-directed-online-courses. If you take this quiz, you also get a chance to purchase them at a discount: bit.ly/4LuvStylesFB . I hope it helps.
Thank you for watching and for your inquiry. The other videos in this series have been privatized and made into paid content. This course is only accessible with a purchase of one of my 101 courses. You can learn more here: www.brianamacwilliam.com/self-directed-online-courses. If you take this quiz, you also get a chance to purchase them at a discount: bit.ly/4LuvStylesFB . I hope it helps.
Everything you say about avoidant sounds like my husband but the anxious type doesn’t sound like me at all. I am open to closeness and obsessed with getting it and he pushes me further away until I flip out or have a meltdown then he blames me for why he’s unloving. Sounds more like a narcissist and BPD to me. He’s like an empty shell who can feel nothing but anger.
Thank you for watching and for commenting. Being "obsessed" with closeness and then having a "meltdown" is very characteristic of anxious attachment style. Pushing for more when a partner pushes away is also something that triggers the anxious avoidant trap. However, I am curious as to why you did not glean that from this video. I may need to do a more thorough basics series.
![[2 of 5] 6 Signs of the Anxious-Avoidant Trap](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Kw0YMwKb6xo/mqdefault.jpg)
![[2 of 5] 6 Signs of the Anxious-Avoidant Trap](/img/tr.png)
I'm anxious partner and I don't want to suffer for the love... infact I will not. So when my avoidant broke up with me I accepted it. I want a secure partner. I want stability.
Me too
I have been in a roller coaster marriage for almost ten years. After telling my husband to call a lawyer because I was DONE, in a last ditch effort my husband convinced me to watch these videos. It has our our personalities and relationship nailed down to the T. These videos have given me hope that we can break our cycle and keep our family together. Thank you for helping us!
Hopefully you can. I had a 3 year relationship with a woman who had anxious attachment and I seem to have avoidant style. It bothered me that she was so eager and chased me all the time and I felt relief whenever she took her own time. However she finally left me actually for the second time as she felt I was not giving her the affection she needed. She got tired chasing and gave me boot. After having my freedom I felt a desire to get her closer and back. And she agreed but the relationship did not really change as neither of us really understood what was happening. We did not know how to communicate properly either. All I wished was that she would give me enough space and not chase me all the time as I started to feel suffocated.
But yeah anyways now we are broken up again and probably for good. Maybe it is for the best for the both of us. Nonetheless I want to change myself and get a healthy attachment style. I acknowledge there is a flaw in me I should try to repair. I also know my ex should change as well as her attachment style is hurting her as well.
Me too. I'm the Avoidant. I want to stay together. Omg so bad but he doesn't know I love him. He just doesn't understand. He's the Anxious one. I'm sharing these videos with him in an effort to heal our relationship.
I'd say I'm secure but when dealing with avoidant, it puts me in the place of anxious systematically which does not feel good nor natural to me so I try to not project, understand the other and if they don't want to work on it nor open up to dealing with the issues, I leave. I want a secure partner.
I have just ended a 10 year relationship. He was sweet and responsive but the last 3 years of the relationship he signed out and became avoidant and dismissive. Shame! I loved him so much, we had such a special connection but I can't tolerate being made to feel like a mere asset or a piece of furniture 🙅♀️
If he was good to you for of the 10 years, maybe you need to examine yourself in correlation with the change he made for the last 3 years.
I’m a recovering people pleaser with anxious attachment. I’m learning to speak up for myself and ask for reassurance when necessary but also self soothe. I’m learning to be more open to receiving more.
This woman is good. Best videos about this complex topic.
I'm so tired of the hit.. .. I hate the roller-coaster and drama... THIS VIDEO IS UNCOMFORTABLE TO HEAR I've watched and heard you and this a few times.... And I'm sick of chasing... I don't know why I'm chasing an arsehole (I could call him a cad but it wouldn't express the meaning ;) who ill treats me!.. I'm in the serenity prayer phase now... And finally accepting no Contact... I need to go away to my cave and lick my wounds and heal deeper wounds...
I understand the dynamics ... Read all. The books... Watched lots about avoidants and narcissists... I'm worn out now.. Defeated by my own weary tapes... I am so looking forward to healing me and getting myself back... And back on track.... Self care... Self soothing.... Meditation.... Less obsession... Filling my head up with my fulfillment..... And not his problems.... Please god help me... 🙏 💛
Great video. Explains the dynamic perfectly. I spent 25 yrs with an avoidant, both of us naturally unconscious of our styles. IMHO It's a toxic setup with poor potential for successful outcomes unless both seek therapy individually. That's unlikely to happen, given the unconscious nature of our own styles and the inevitable blame game that goes on. My personal experience is the avoidant will sacrifice the anxious one into therapy and avoid getting help themselves but maybe that's not true in every case. I know we can't control who we fall in love with, but these 2 attachment styles together ought to carry a government mental health warning.
This is what most people think are "Twin Flame" relationships unfortunately.
While I believe in it, it's rare and most people are likely to be consumed with a simply toxic partner that is unfit. This is the harsh truth. Just work on yourself and you will attract better. Trust in Universal timing and drop the "Twin Flame" stuff and see people for who they are.
"...through the embrace of our parents, the love, the cuddles and the kisses..." Huh! What is that?
This has been very enlightening. Thanks.
it's sexy to feel we have to chase and extract it because we were forced to suffer/work for it as kids.
I can't breathe and I want out.
Signed,
The Anxious One.
OMG you have helped me figure out so many things that have been plaguing me for years... thank you for freely giving yourself in your videos
True
I recently called it off w an anxious guy. It was...soul crushing to realise that I’m the avoidant one. I left him middle of the night when we argue and disappear for days. When he told me we need to called it off, then only I broke down crying. Something that surprises him. Like Briana said, I am deeply anxious actually. My ex partner finally wise up and pack his bags. Now I’m anxious all the time thinking about him while he avoids thinking about me. I need help to get over this - even if we don’t get back together. I’m just trying to be as healthy as I can now
This video gave me a good reason why I react instinctively, almost like an animal, when avoidant people rejects me: I become aggresive and intimidating, I "show my teeth" and try to scare them before they get to hurt me first.
Yup me too
I love how you explain everything. I understand you clearly.
The expectation to receive after giving is rather the expectation of reciprocity in one way or another, which is what a healthy relationship is mostly based on. Do not accept being made to feel less than or needy or "too intense" for wanting connection.
A specific argument is that not having expectations is a good way to go about relationships and giving BUT one should have standards and boundaries also within oneself regarding giving too much or being too out there to the point that the partner feels saturated. And applying these boundaries to the partner, means not accepting lack of basic reciprocity, engagement, respons-ability.
I think all open heart people would benefit from dealing with a dismissive avoidant. I am learning a ton from it myself. Learning about myself soooo much and I am very grateful for people like this lady who shares her knowledge in such effective way.
Btw - i want to add another angle : as a man, anxious, trapped in a relationship with an avoidant, i also see that there is a "reverse" of gender roles, i play the role of the "female" needy partner who wants more : more caring, more sex, more attention, more love...and my wife plays the "male" role of independent, cold, distant...blaming me of being clingy, immature, weak - the result is that i feel she doesn't respect me as a man, says she doesn't miss me when away, she is not attracted to me...i am the one who suggest to go to couples therapy and she doesn't want, i am the one who tries again and again to talk about us and find ways to understand our "dance", send her links to this video and others...so that is another angle of this very complicated trap...
dear moishe siel, the other angle just might be that it is time to really listen to what you are saying,truthfully,compassionately and understand that while you are doing all the running around,bending backwards,going the extra distance to "save the relationship" you are continuing to play out your own ingrained anxious behavior. Moishe siel could it be time to stop and start nurturing the deep wounds that you carry and start to grow out of this way of being,it's the biggest gift you will ever give yourself! So that in time you can indeed one day you can have someone that truly wants to be with you,where you both choose to be together not push and pull all day long. Best of luck!
@@rachelhuggett7929 better done without the avoidant partner. I broke up THEN healing and progress became possible.
I can relate to this too entirely.
Thank you very much.. I see myself within parts of both.. learning about myself, sucks a bit.. but know the understanding will assist rebuilding a new confident self.. cheers again..
Nail on the head, Briana. Concise and spot on, as usual.
Thanks for continuing to illuminate my perspective.
Things which have haunted me are now resolved!! I owe you so much. Keep up the good vides!
I can't explain how much I needed this
Do you think these people ever change? My last relationship was the trap 100% and it was the hardest most painful breakup of my life. I am still dealing with it. We dated for about a year but it was a constant pull and pull, we were so happy but he was so scared to commit and always tried to keep distance but never wanted to let me go or see anyone else. Finally, he decided to seriously commit to me and it was good but it still wasn't exactly what I needed and I would get anxious a lot, not even always sharing it with him but I was definitely distressed. His past significant partners had both cheated on him due to the emotional distance he created in relationship and he always said he "wasn't ready" or that "he didn't believe he could make me happy" that I would get upset and do the same thing they did, "didn't have time for the work it takes for relationship to work" but then wouldn't leave me alone. He would always say that he wanted to be with me but just couldn't, that we worked together but he just doesn't work in a relationship right now. I would tell him we couldn't talk anymore and then two months later, I would hear from him and we would hang and I would get my hopes up. Finally after the last time, i could just tell things weren't going to change and we decided to stop again because once again he just doesn't have it in him to be in a committed relationship. He is younger too and in a different place, 27 and i am 33. Issues with his father and a very stressful family life and business. This was after a year of back and forth and trying AFTER we broke up. A few weeks later i found out he was seeing someone else - he told me she was nothing and that it wasn't serious and that he still didn't want a serious relationship but i know they are still seeing each other and it has been like 3 months now. If i could believe that he won't change, then I can have peace knowing that he will never make me happy but the anxious part of me makes me feel like he is giving this girl everything i would have needed to be more secure so I ask, since you are an expert? do you think that is even possible? it's how he has always been so I know deep down that probably isn't true. If they do work out, my best guess is that she is secure and can handle his distance and emotional unavailability in a way that I couldn't and don't want to but not that he has changed. Would love to know your thoughts :)
Hey , I so relate to you.. I'm also an anxious partner , my ex is an avoidant. Since he broke up with me 4 days ago because I asked to be valued, made a priority , also asked for commitment. Will my avoidant ever reach out to me after he broke up with me and approximately how long would it take? I'm not chasing him.. but if I don't reach out will he ever?
@@shernadehosein3749 did he reach out??
Sending tons of Love and God’s light to bless you 🙏💕
Great lecture
Love this vid and looking forward to the next! 13mins In “ I know what my problem is...why don’t I feel differently” MY LIFE STRUGGLE summed up in 30seconds 😞
Congratulations
It's so new and hard and the same time clarifying.
Why can’t we all just be normal. My recent x is always extra, I avoid. I wish I would have know this earlier to work on myself, but a little to late I guess. As a couple, I must say, if there are issues, see a relationship counselor before breaking it off. Unfortunately, in my situation, I offered and she refused. Maybe there was a deeper reason, but if two won’t agree to seek help, nothing really matters. I pray for her happiness, and I broke the NC to share this video. Whether she and I are ever together again, I love her to help her.
Thank you for watching and for commenting, and for sharing a bit of your story.
Some people are so hurt and turn into a complex person, I’m very sad a simple Love has to be this difficult with theory. Simply allow Love to come in your life and accept whatever comes. Love is what keeps us alive. Please.
I am anxious 🖐
Brilliant! Mindblown. Thank you!
Love this five part series! As a recovery coach that promotes harm reduction my ears perked up when I heard "Drug Addict." It's not just PC to speak about person first. A person is always a person. How about one that is addicted? We are not our pathologies. As clinicians our responsibility is to advocate for our clients while serving as a catalyst to reduce shame and stigma... Ya know, how super heroes do. I am learning more and more every day. I thank you! Great clarification! I love how you shaped the context, theories set in specific examples.
Deepest appreciation.
Good information Briana. But I will say I think this is A case-by-case scenario or that I just have a little bit more of a secure attachment style than I do anxious. I married a woman with a dis-organized attachment style and what seems to be BPD as well. And I can’t say that I enjoy any part of this at all. While my mother wasn’t the best I had a secure home with both mom and dad in the household, and I have the ability to show and maintain love with confidence. However after her and I got married she had been off her depression medication for about three months. I noticed some change with how she dealt with things. But then she went into this “push pull” I love you more than anything for a few days but then I hate everything about you and ignore you and our kids for the next few days. I could literally watch her spiral into a reclusive shell where nothing I would do would make a difference. I tried talking to her about it however she’s an avoidant so that obviously didn’t work, i’ll try just staying in her present but being quiet or silent which didn’t seem to matter either, and I also tried just giving her her space and staying to myself however I actually think that was the worst option of the 3 because it seemed to actually only make her worse! So on three occasions I have packed my bags and left because nothing I said or done yielded anything good, and was tired of my kids and I being treated in such a cruel manner. When I left she then reach out saying she wanted to fix herself however she made no effort in to really changing, however I do think deep down she wants to. She only asked me to see a counselor in order to understand how to communicate with her because I had often tried to talk about things with us or our families direction etc when she didn’t want to talk about them. And often times “which was completely my fault” I would try to push conversation on her trying to make progress on coming up with a resolution on whatever the matter was when she didn’t want to talk. And I learned through those errors that it only made her worse in her communication! So it took a few times but I learned not to do that. And that everything that I had learned about women wanting a good communicator was not always true LOL.
When she said she wanted to fix everything and would do whatever it was that our marriage needed, I don’t think she even understood why or what was going on with herself! So the best thing to her was to just place all the blame on me and keep score of every little thing I ever said or done. There were times I was actually taking blame for things that I didn’t even do just for sake of argument and trying to keep my marriage and family together. I feel that I showed anxious tendencies when she would go into these emotional disconnected times that were completely unfamiliar to me, and I feel like I was anxious because I always thought my marriage was ending and in my Christian beliefs a marriage ending is very tragic and should never really happened. But unfortunately it does. I will say in the part of your video about wanting to be the Saint in the matter I can relate to that part for certain, because with my Christian values I do feel like I need to be the best husband to her possible regardless of the situation and I do hope that she sees how hard I try one day and wants to fix herself. At this point we are separated and she is pregnant and it’s very very unfortunate. I do pray for anyone going through such a tragic thing as I am. My family has been torn apart because of all of this! She has even ran me down to friends and family which is very disheartening considering how hard I have tried to keep us together, willing to go to counseling, have been supportive of her choices, and even cried and begged for her to get help or even talk to me about things that would help our families situation. So I do think sometimes that a person with more of a secure attachment style can be in a certain situation that can lead them to have anxious behaviors when something meaningful is in jeopardy!
Very good video thanks
WOW ..... what a huge pattern.
You are just brilliant... This makes sense in every way. What kind of body therapeutic activities would help balancing my anxious attachment style? I've tried many things in the past, including rolfing, but some things were too overwhelming... I understand that to "break free" you have to deal with your whole being. Thank you for this.
Brilliant. Thank you for this.
Wow, what a video!
This is great!
Wow! Thank you so much! I’m definitely subscribing! I’ll be checking more of your videos!
Thank you so much for this video.
Whoa this was deep!
Well, that just explained the demise of the my last relationship...and about myself!!
amazing video! thank you so much
nah cause I thought I was crazy, stupid and dumb. literally felt like something is wrong with me. I have a tough exterior to the world but with him im like silly puddy in his hands. Often times he would call me too sensitive, clingy and overwhelming. I would call him neglectful, selfish and cold at times. This has been going on for years! I think I just found the main trigger for the anxiety that''s related to my relationship. As much as it it sounds all bad its not, I love him and our love is very intense at times (good/bad). I tried leaving and being with someone else before I learned of the attachment styles. It was so hard to stay away, we got back together and im full throttle into the relationship. I want to work it out.
Brilliant
Great video thanks
I am both, and I am in love with someone the exact same way.
thank you
You're really smart.
Fascinating. Accurate!!
Hello, Brianna! Your channel is awesome! Could you tell us when or how do we know that we really healed after a break up? How can someone with anxious or fearful avoidant attachment heal when they're not in a relationship? And when is it healthy for somebody with those attachment styles to go out and meet new people, or even get in a new relationship?
Thank you 😊
thank u so much!!!
You are a witch knowing it all :)) ♡♡♡♡
Where are the other 4 parts of the series of 5 videos? I've been searching it on your channel, but couldn't get any. Can you please provide the link to them. That'd be help. Thanks Briana. loads of love
I would be very interested in a video about relationships where both are avoidants. Either both dismissive og one fearful and one dismissive, preferably both scenarios. How does that play out? If you already adressed this in a video, please let me know which one!
Is there any way i can get rid of these negative( charges)experiences that have been "stored in my body" im assuming another word for trauma? Is there a way to?
Hi Briana, Thank you for your videos. They helped me immensely. I couldn’t access 2,3,4 or 5, videos, nor the Q@A. Are these videos not available any more? Thank you!
Thank you for watching and for your inquiry. The other videos in this series have been privatized and made into paid content. This course is only accessible with a purchase of one of my 101 courses. You can learn more here: www.brianamacwilliam.com/self-directed-online-courses. If you take this quiz, you also get a chance to purchase them at a discount: bit.ly/4LuvStylesFB . I hope it helps.
Thankyou so much for an amazing video - this has helped me soo much!
The other videos in this series are showing up as ‘Private’ - is it possible to view them somehow?
Thanks in advance 🙏
Yes, I wanted to watch more and the next one is still private.
WTH....Teaser!! Great video but videos 2-5 are missing..
Come here, come here, get away, get away...sure...one of them only loves when it's convenient for them to do so as a means to an end.
Brandon Faun that’s really rarely ever it.
The subconscious is at work here...with deep childhood wounds and patterns running the show. It’s not at a conscious level usually.
You’ve got to believe with good intent, as you would hope someone might for you..we are often SO wrong when we are applying negative intent to someone else’s behavior.
I'm the Avoidant. I'm trying to tell him how much I love him absolutely but just need space sometimes...like reading a book alone, sitting outside alone or whatever. Just a few hours a week is all I need but to an anxious partner this is devastating. And gets grossly misunderstood.
How about no chasing no games if we like each other can we just stop wasting time?! No control no drama just hot sex and amazing partnership which compliments each other. Is that possible?!
The other videos are private... how can we watch them? Please let me know. This was excellent
Thank you for watching and for your inquiry. The other videos in this series have been privatized and made into paid content. This course is only accessible with a purchase of one of my 101 courses. You can learn more here: www.brianamacwilliam.com/self-directed-online-courses. If you take this quiz, you also get a chance to purchase them at a discount: bit.ly/4LuvStylesFB . I hope it helps.
Hi Briana, what would you say about a person who exhibits traits that are both anxious and avoidant? I’ll refer to the guy I dated as “they” because it seemed like 2 people in 1. But aren’t we all a bit that way. 😆
To give you some background: I know they are suppressing a lot of trauma from their childhood, a lot of neglect, emotional manipulation and verbal abuse.
So it’s unclear who they really are as a person, as they seem deeply and intentionally out of touch with their own emotions.
They wear a stoic mask as a way to come across strong, but the mask seemed to shatter rather easily when I was too harsh in my tone, and too critical (both are flaws I am working to correct), because this went against their expectations. They claim to be...zen...and then apparently I caused the loss of said zen.
I learned the most about them during fights, since they would yell their needs at me, finally. The rest of the time, it was like pulling teeth. They also insist on being “polite” and they try to accommodate me at their own expense, only to act massively angry at the breakup. As if it only affects them.
Yet...then they would call me ungrateful for how much they do for me. They tried to pay for my rent as a surprise, then threw it in my face during an argument, which seems pretty “anxious.”
Is this making any sense? Thanks for any input you have!
P.S. I am sometimes anxious in my attachment, but also generally secure. But I figured if I am anxious, this person is likely avoidant...but now I’m not sure.
Briana do you do skype sessions? What can you recommend if I am somewhere that therapy is not so accessible.
Where are the other parts?
What happened to the other four videos? Is this the only one that we can watch?
Any chance you can un private the other parts or link us to them?
How do access the 4 other videos? It says its private
What but if you escape the trap then you won't become a secure partner. Don't escape instead do the polar opposite and you will both become securely attached, If you escape you will remain as you are and never change.
Hello Briana, for some reason the links to vids 2 through 5 are dead. Is this content available? I am excited to hear those parts. Thanks
Wow you were so damn good. It was one of the best ways this anxious avoidant trap has been explained. I have read and researched about this a lot and still had a lot of doubts and was not quite satisfied. But the way you explained it was bang on. I am glad I found your channel and you earned yourself a new subscriber.
I am an avoidant attachment style and there are some people who try to project that v try to exploit and take advantage of the anxious partners but u explained it quite well.
What is your attachment style btw?
Your other videos are private
Thank you for watching and for your inquiry. The other videos in this series have been privatized and made into paid content. This course is only accessible with a purchase of one of my 101 courses. You can learn more here: www.brianamacwilliam.com/self-directed-online-courses. If you take this quiz, you also get a chance to purchase them at a discount: bit.ly/4LuvStylesFB . I hope it helps.
Is this new or a re-upload?
hello, thank you for this video. how can I access the rest of the 5 part series? the videos 2-5 seem to be set as Private. thanks a lot!
Thank you for watching and for your inquiry. The other videos in this series have been privatized and made into paid content. This course is only accessible with a purchase of one of my 101 courses. You can learn more here: www.brianamacwilliam.com/self-directed-online-courses. If you take this quiz, you also get a chance to purchase them at a discount: bit.ly/4LuvStylesFB . I hope it helps.
I think there is something wrong with the quiz. My result was anxious partner!
I am pretty sure that I am avoidant.
Everything you say about avoidant sounds like my husband but the anxious type doesn’t sound like me at all. I am open to closeness and obsessed with getting it and he pushes me further away until I flip out or have a meltdown then he blames me for why he’s unloving. Sounds more like a narcissist and BPD to me. He’s like an empty shell who can feel nothing but anger.
Thank you for watching and for commenting. Being "obsessed" with closeness and then having a "meltdown" is very characteristic of anxious attachment style. Pushing for more when a partner pushes away is also something that triggers the anxious avoidant trap. However, I am curious as to why you did not glean that from this video. I may need to do a more thorough basics series.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment I had no problem with getting it and look forward to more.
oh my god! drag me!