Having been "dead" for 10 years in a relationship with a covert narcissist, its wild coming out of the other side. Having people from my past saying it was like I was gone, had disappeared, makes me realise how much I tried to fit into the role of dead mother. Its great to be alive again!
I'm fighting against the impulse to pursue emotionally unavailable people. I thought many times "my loved one is like a desert, I need to pour life and colours in him/her" but now I see how it was a projection of my urge to be less "dead" and "useless". It's unpleasant to realise how I grow up unequipped for love, but at least I'm committed in getting to know myself, my emotions. These lessons are precious tools, thank you.
@@StartingPlanet 10 months later I see I’m not useless, nobody is. I’m still learning thou. Lately I’m reading a book by Porges, about the polyvagal theory, it’s helpful.
Love the explanation of the dead mother . Your so right ,his mother was dead and he was a complete narcissist ,that I was with for 56 yrs ,he just died from covid in may ,and yes, he tryed to make me be the dead partner by giving me ,nothing but abuse ,neglect, no trust with him ,but I realize ,that it also goes back to my childhood ,excepting it ,and thinking I could change him some how, when I can only change myself, and now I feel so free with him gone and the stress is over from living with him ,I think it feels like the best time in my life ,since I was a teenager ,and had control of just me ,great video, one of your best ,and yes, I'm co dependent and emotionally avoident and fear intimatcy ,thats ok though I'm 76 ,who needs it now .
@LindaYeager maybe you can now focus on this wonderful stage of your life, can reflect on what it is you have survived&realize some do not. May God bless you in these beautiful golden years of yours. And hopefully you could simply pay it forward when someone needs your story😊
Some notes: 00:02, 00:16 Intro, personality disorders, cptsd and attachment 1:21, 3:45 Attachment 4:27, 5:49, 6:50, 12:06 Childhood 5:17, 5:38 Dialectics in childhood - adult relationships 5:49 The Working Model 7:05, 8:31 Safe base 8:17, 9:49 Individuation as painful, codependence 10:44, 11:47, 13:32 "Dead Mother complex" 13:32 The seeds of narcissism 14:37 Attachment and Transference issues in therapy with those who are narcissistic, cannot bond 15:43, 16:28 Issues with attachment theory - narcissistic, codependence, psychopathic defenses 16:28 Detachment 17:30 Children love their mothers, even the atrocious ones 19:06, 20:40 Cluster B (traumatised people) and attachment, self-delusional, they are themselves "Dead" because of internalising a "Dead parent" 20:57 Emotional thinking in attachment disorder 21:20, 23:22 Cathexis in attachment disorders, destrudo/libido 23:53, 24:28, 25:01 Approach/avoidance, push/pull, love/withdrawal in insecure attachment, experiencing attachment as threatening 25:14 Importance of "being seen" as a child 26:10 Avoidance of true attachment, self-sufficiency, self-parenting, auto-erotic 27:40 Introjects in Cluster B, effects on relationships, Borderline of psychosis 29:41 Bollass and concept of "the unthought known" 30:30 Afraid to think, inhibitory - repressed/suppressed? 31:47 Early trauma and "unthought known" 32:56 Better Elements - repression/denial of traumatic experiences, protection from thoughts of the experience/s and the following disintegration 33:38 Elements of unthought known 35:32 Effects of unthought known on the relationships of the severely traumatised 38:44 Sequence of developing disordered attachment 39:14 Bollass and Winnicott, the true self 39:39 Systems centred therapy - apprehensive vs comprehensive knowing 40:29 Psychotherapy, unthought known, modeling a healthy parental relationship and projective identification 40:58 Attachment disorders 43:51, 45:10 Secure base distortion, fawning vs self-sufficient/parentification, role confusion, trust and social function issues 45:53 Disrupted attachment, abrupt separation from primary attachment figure/s death/divorce/siblings etc 46:33 Idealisation and devaluation, introjection as a "bad object", thoughts of being not worthy of love/safety etc 47:15 Adult behaviour issues from attachment disorder and idea of being unworthy 47:31 Trauma repetition compulsion in disordered attachment adults, projective identification, and the grieving process 48:48, 49:14 Maternal ptsd and safe base distortion - abusive mothers and it's effects - Borderline PD 49:27 All adult relationships as reenactments of childhood relationships 50:03 Attachment styles largely stable throughout lifespan - established age 2-6yrs - working models and mental health 52:45 4 main types of attachment styles in adults - secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, fearful-avoidant (+ flat) 54:00, 55:32, 56:20 Flat attachment (idealise, devalue, discard and replace) vs Commitment-phobes 1:00:23 Insecure attachment styles, anxious-preoccupied (negative view of self, positive view of others) (borderline, covert/inverted narcissistic, codependent) 1:05:55 Dismissive-avoidant attachment (positive view of self, negative view of others) (overt narcissist, psychopath) 1:09:22 Fearful-avoidant attachment (unstable/fluctuating view of self and others) (some borderline, compensatory narcissist, secondary psychopath) 1:10:54 ⭐ Fearful-avoidant: history of major losses or massive trauma. 1:12:40 Theory of relational schemas 1:19:53, 1:22:50 ⭐, 1:26:22 ⭐ Conclusion, CPTSD, dis-functional defensive mechanisms as a result of major developmental trauma
This evening I have taken your insight into narcissism very seriously. I am learning very intently and appreciate this important education by your experience and knowledge. My last relationship was completely engulfed the way you described abs now I am realizing that my partner was working very diligently to kill me in every way and control my autonomy and my identity to be his own. I was confused and frightened so deeply that I could not verbalize exactly what I was going through. It was very painful to detach from him and as I was doing this carefully, I could see that he was becoming unstable and abusive. I could see his pain therefore causing me guilt and shame as though I was hurting him like a wounded little boy . I still to this day feel that I need to make the wrongs right. I miss him very much but it was too dangerous to revisit that turmoil and get lost again in him. Thank you for sharing this education so that I can begin to regain myself again. I pray for his mental health abs safety.
People only learn and evolve through pain and suffering, this guy is so wise and intuitive he must have suffered a lot he is always on point and hits the nail on the head it's so interesting to listen captivating like a live fire
This makes so much sense. His mother was abused as a child. At minimum, he was emotionally abused, neglected and harmfully controlled by her. He was the middle child...the whipping boy in his family. I’ve often thought when he raged at me for nonsensical “reasons” that he was really raging at his abusive mother who hurt him so much as a child.
I can relate to your experience and observations. My husband was also a middle child (the scapegoat) and both his parents were severely abused, especially his father. His mother boozed it up with her boyfriend and severely neglected him & his siblings. Living very, very poorly and way below poverty level. Always being evicted everytime they finally got settled. My husbands grandfather molested his son(narc husband's father) and let his Male friends take turns molesting him, also. Narc husband was very neglected and still to this day as a grown man, degraded, never good enough, stupid, never taken seriously by his father. Both parents have big time mental illness issues and were both raging alcoholics, all around extremely abusive, different sex partner most of the time (by his father). No respect for women and always lived with and sponged off of various women or when got kicked out, moved in with his elderly mommy. How in the world did I have that much altruism and ignorance to believe my love could help this boy, let alone fix or heal him. Granted, we were both only 14, freshman in high school when I quickly got enmeshed and trauma bonded to him. Not much faith I will ever completely break my TB either. His print is ingrained in my DNA. 😔
Pisces _Chick It is tragic how some people treat their children. I’m so sorry for what your husband endured and what that has done to you. My husband is my “ex” now, but as much as I know that I couldn’t survive mentally or physically with someone whose attitude toward me could change from “loving” to full blown rage in the blink of an eye, I can’t forget about the person he was who once consistently treated me well and with whom I have so many happy memories...I’ll always love that guy, whether he was “real” or just an acting performance. He’s been the “good guy” since before the divorce and now after...! I’ll never understand why these people don’t at least try to get mental help when they see their life and relationships disintegrating. I’ve never been ashamed to seek counseling when I’ve hit rough patches in life, but then I don’t think I’m “perfect”...I think the narcissist does. 😐
@@AdairCty gosh, you're experiences, feelings and perceptions and mine are very similar. I know I will never "not love, care or want the best for" my stbx narc husband. 26 years of blood, love, sweat, smiles, hate & tears. I will love him til the day I die. I've finally realized he was killing me. I was a ghost of myself. I stopped feeling any kind of joy, happiness. It was like the hard drive in my brain fried and was running on sleep mode. I made the motions, went to work, went to bed, went to work, went to bed, hoping everyday I just wouldn't wake up. But the sun kept coming. I knew he would have to end our marriage cause by this point I had no ability to make any kind of move or decision for my own well-being. I was utterly and completely conditioned and programmed. I knew I was dying, or just barely existing, but thinking about living without him felt like death, too. I accepted my life and the Devil I knew. He ended up betraying me in such a horrible, cruel and unforgivable way. Hindsight being 20/20 this was inevitable. I think he was hunting for my replacement our entire relationship, but no one ever stuck or was up to his standard. Cheaper to keep her kinda attitude? He was a mean, abusive bully, but oh Yes, when my husband showed up, the man I fell in love with....all the bad was worth it. How crazy is that? That is such a sick, toxic love that I would bet my car is harder than heroin to kick. I still haven't detoxed my love for him and it feels like I never may. But he don't feel that for me. I've witnessed the HATRED in his eyes for me. Last year during the discard was the darkest, most painful time I've ever experienced. Someone that you experienced EVERYTHING with, laughed loved, woke up to everyday, carried his baby in my belly, kissed everyday before he left for work...how does that go from there to PURE HATE?! Like I was the one who just broke our marriage and my friend's marriage apart. Like I was the one cheating and manipulating. Like I was the one banging my best friends spouse and picking him to live the rest of my life with?! He hates me for what he did to me. Twisted, degenerate bully. She can have that. I'm out, he's her problem now. One day I will send her a thank you card and Hopefully I will MEAN it by then.
That's exactly what my EX did to me.... I was the one who got his misdirected abuse meant for his Mother. It ruined me on a level that's been so emotionally traumatizing I've had debilitating PTSD that hasn't been successfully treated in 9 years. I pray for others who have endured this horrendous mess....🙏. I lost everybody and everything I loved, my Identity eroded away after 14 years together, which is when this ugly abuse started💔
Holy shit this is the most profound insight I have ever heard and describes my life situation perfectly. I was diagnosed with BPD traits and my mother had a borderline personality disorder. My mother died a year ago and still I can't stop thinking about her and I keep idealizing her myself, seeing her as a victim. I'm loving a dead mother, but then again, what is grief if not love persevering? I have always known even as a child something was wrong the way I interacted with her, there where no boundaries and sometimes things felt uncomfortable. My mother wasn't agressieve or mean to me, she could be very loving. But she spoiled us and put us on a pedestal and talked to me as if I was her best friend, sharing details that aren't meant for a child's ears... You are completely right. Children will always love their mothers, no matter what they do and if their actions are bad or good. My mom had a great heart, but she was very lost in her mind. She, too, had a abusive and very lonely childhood. She really did try to give us everything she missed as a child, but she was unfit to be a mother. I believe I can only heal if I accept this truth.
"Interacting with you the same way he interacting with his dead mother" sounds and feels extremely creepy. It also finally clears up a lot of his out of this world behavior I've seen but could never understand. He always did seem to be a lot happier and comfortable with me, more like he'd be in his comfort zone when he would manage to bring out sadness, anger and aloof attitude in me, but his rage or hatred for me would come out in the times I was warm, caring, sweet toward him. He hated it when I would treat him as a priority. And for the life of me I never could make sense of this backward dynamic.
Yes this is a weird thing. It’s like there afraid of love or they simply don’t believe that it exist. So when you’re kind to them in there mind your up to something.
@@marygambrell6411 I took my NPD ex to a village fete last summer. We'd gone for lunch somewhere had a perfectly fine, normal time. Then when we got to the fete, I introduced him to 1 female I met I'd worked with, he was fine, surprised that she was positive about him, because I'd introduced him to her in a positive way, he couldn't understand healthy socialisation without competition . Then we were looking around & met a lady who was offering henna mendhi designs. Instead of asking if I wanted it, he asked her about it saying he wanted it done. The woman was shocked, saying it was for women only, so he became aggressive accusing her of being sexist. When I explained to him it is normally for marriage parties or parties for women & it's haram / forbidden in Islam for him to ask a woman who is not your wife or family member to touch you, he continued being aggressive, accusing her of false advertising & sexism... I managed to calm him down explaining it was the culture, then a Sikh guy from a stall selling wedding organisation & relationship & marital advice gave him a card to help with preparing a marriage, he said nothing. We then went to sit down on a bench & there was another guy there I'd worked with organising the PA for the music with a woman singing in a traditional Asian singing style. I asked him if he wanted to meet the guy I'd worked with on the radio thinking since he was a musician he'd be interested to network. Instead he stayed away while I went to chat briefly with the guy while staring at us suspiciously from behind a tree. I then went to sit with him on the bench to talk to him, but then he launched into a massive aggressive narcissistic abusive episode, making me burst instantaneously into tears. He was telling me relationships don't work & are a waste of time, repeatedly, like a repetitive mantra, shouting at me & embarassing me in front of my friends & work colleagues in my neighbourhood. I had to just walk off immediately & left him there, because it was just too embarassing to be associated with him, & when he switches & his narcissistic rage turns on, it's impossible to reason with him, he just goes round in circles shouting the same thing over & over again. I found out after he'd blocked me on FB, under a pretext I texted him too much, that he'd been clicking lovehearts on multiple other women's pictures behind my back. They all had in common the fact that they wore black gothic style & self proclaimed to be witches. I'd looked through the pictures & things they wrote about to get an idea of their personality. One in particular came across as particularly toxic. She self described as having had sex with so many men she'd lost count. She also wrote that "relationships were a waste of time", so it was like he was repeating her words verbatim. She also self declared herself as evil & how she enjoyed meditating on satan for protection. She embodied the classical dead bad mummy possessed by the personification of evil. Evidently I was quite upset to discover he had an entourage of self declared toxic women who he advertised himself as in love with online, who all described themselves with glee as evil, vampires, zombies, possessed by satan and gothic witches. I never understood why he couldn't just relax with me & just enjoy our time together & be happy & build a happy, successful relationship together. This video explains everything. His nonverbal inner child was still angry towards his neglectful dismissive aggressive mother, who he still also loved & had internalised & replicated at the same time. He was a musician, he had the typical rockstar long hair, wore eyeliner, told me he'd worn skirts to his gigs before trans dressing was even a thing, gloated continually about how he loved women throwing themselves at him, but also would alternate between excessive people pleasing & boundary blurring with total strangers like he had no boundaries, & the opposite behaviour, cringing with repulsion at the thought of anyone getting too close to him, even me, even though he wanted me to follow him around & stay close to him & run after him like a dog. When we 1st started seeing each other before he blocked me on FB I saw he still had a picture of his 20 year old ex dressed up like a zombie from a halloween party. When I asked him about it, he said it was a band photo because he was a musician & defended her as a good person because she was vegetarian even though she was clutching a cleaver dressed up in a nurse outfit in the photo like one of the killer nurses from the PlayStation game & film Silent Hill, i.e. scary as hell. He later told me she'd also slept in his bed with some other guy & he'd walked in on the act. 🤔.. not your conventional understanding of a good kind of woman, but I figured he must have created some kind of limerent fantasy about her 30 years later to compensate for the horror show girlfriend she must have been in real life. Anyhow. I just wanted to have a peaceful loving relationship & play music together & be happy but it was not to be. I am actually happier alone now & wish him all the best with his 2 dimensional photo collection of zombie exes & gothic witch women on the internet to fantasise about. 2 dimensional women who are essentially so flat & inanimate they are unalive are clearly easier to deal with than being a real person with a heart in the flesh... I've cried enough about all the times I've been hurt, shamed, betrayed, made to feel not good enough then confused by feeling maybe I'm not bad enough in his skewed version of the world, when I just want to be a good enough person & happy as I am. I think I'm beginning to understand objectively how his mindset works by now at least, & not take it personally.
It’s dramatically true when I don’t show an emotional reaction to his detachment by detaching he then comes around as if it’s a comfort environment since his mother was a dead mother in my case me wanting to be a psychologist and heal from my old attachment style I’m conquering trauma through awareness removing heart break with simply accepting that this person is this way based on these type of facts It all makes sense Educating us and others on the mental side of individuals and me working with clients as a direct support professional to adults with schizophrenia psychosis autism and other mental disabilities I had to learn to detach myself emotionally and help redirect their behaviors connecting to the true issue once again they have patterns mentally Had freed me from narcissist abusive emotional pain because it was manipulation by someone I’m nothing like or was from the beginning Thank you for your videos
As with so many of the other videos of yours I have watched/listened to- it benefits me to watch it at least 3 times. The first time I become shocked and emotional at the overwhelming truth. Then I feel anger at how I fall for the same abuse over and over thinking that I am going to be the better person and help this poor soul out that so many other ppl have abandoned. And then I start to feel badly that I got angry and the sorrow for the lost child sets in. Your videos help me to feel empowered. I can now step back and see the relationships in truth. This video has convinced me that I am a real person. My feelings toward my partner have become almost clinical. I'm still saddened by his sad life but I'm fascinated by the knowledge and watching him play it out over and over and over and never getting the sadness/madness of his life under control. He reminds me of an ostrich sometimes- I bring videos or articles such as this to his attention and it's as if it was sucked into a dark hole. He doesn't even get angry with me- it's as if it didn't happen. So much of his weirdness makes sense now.
I relate to this so much. My ex covert narc used to look at things like this that i shared with him with a blank stare...as if what was being said was a foreign language..... no connection or interaction or discussion would take place. Thanks to videos like this, I have learned so much about my exs narcissism as well as my own attachment issues. Its quite fascinating but also makes me sad at times.
I recently ended the cycle with a narcissist who lost his mother as a young teenager. I never put together that his sailboat is named after her and it is where he takes his prey and love bombs them. He even wears a t-shirt he had made with his boat’s name on it! So glad to be free of him.
Learn so much in your videos, it's getting addictive). Could you please make a video elaborating on the father daughter relationship and its impact...?Thank u
I agree Dr. SV. My daughter and myself would be eternally grateful. Your tapes about the cluster B personality disorders, especially covert behaviors have helped me tremendously to make sense of all the things I have endured for so many years, for which I blamed myself and sometimes I thought I was loosing my mind. I admire your the depth of knowledge you have achieved and the fact that generously share it with us. I have a master degree in social work and a master degree in child's law. Child/human development is my passion and by watching your tapes I can see the whole human developing picture in many different area. I have a love for learning about development and behaviors and you have encouraged me to keep learning. I wish you and Lidia a Happy New year!! Thank you.
I was discarded after 25 years for the exact personality replica of his mother. In this final discard, I saw just how sociopathic he truly is. In my (armchair psychiatric) opinion, both of these women are a true histrionic personality with narc traits. I've known them both for over 20 years. It is creepy how similar they are, even their names!! I am still hurt and feel betrayed by him, especially how the discard happened, but I am seeing what a blessing in disguise it was. By the end of our marriage and all the cruelty and psychological torture, I believed I was BPD. Now, after being away from him, over a year's time and no contact in 10 months, my mental state, emotions and physical state have become completely regulated. I can only explain it as driven to crazy by an even crazier man. Thank you for your wisdom, point of view and your knowledge. I look forward to your videos 🖤
@@1dayfree I appreciate that sentiment. I can see now, out of the FOG, after all those years how much I actually went through. I own my part in the dysfunction junction. He turned me into a codependent!! I DO NOT see myself as the meek, timid, scared little mouse anymore. My viewpoint has done a 180° in just one year's time. I SURVIVED him. I am not a victim, I'm a warrior that made it through the bowels of Hell, the worst of the worst, and came out a Warrior!!! And since I survived him... I can handle anything life has in store for me!!!! Blessings to all of you who are going thru or have gone thru experiences with these cruel people.
I wish there was a way to download every memory, feeling, moment of life with these types. The lazy Sundays in bed making love all day, birthdays, thoughts, good & bad, the flash of some object being thrown at your head..just barely missing, the look you get and you know you'll pay for that later, slow dancing in the kitchen while cooking dinner, being called every nasty word possible, the lovebombing or re-idealization phase...finally, the ecstasy, the deep love and concern for this man...the father of your children, the drunken passionate sex, another angry night because he had a bad day at work, crying myself to sleep..over and over again....show them all that in a 1-2 minute sequence of the entire relationship and say, Hey...let me show you what life looked/felt like from my perspective, my side of the fence, all the love, blood, sweat and tears, my personal experience of the 26 years I spent trying to love an NPD man that doesnt want to be, or can't be... loved. And watch how pathetic and helpless you feel when you're (unknowingly) trauma bonded and how it turns right before your own eyes into a caustic, abusive relationship and you had no power or way of stopping it... Even though you did try and do everything you could think of to save it and get it back to good. How your partner, unbeknownst to you, is sabotaging all your efforts behind your back. How can she/he treat everyone ...EVERYONE else so good...normal..respectful...caring.. understanding...giddy and easygoing?? Then it's time to go home and you both get to the car and they flip the switch on you. They've had too much to drink but will not let you, the sober one, drive home. You get called a boring, fat loser and the keys get throwed at your head after being berated & put down for 10 mins. The entire drive home it just gets worse and you can't do anything right. They're screaming in your ear about how hard you braked at the stoplight and they have no clue what dumbass gave you a driver's license. They finally go to bed and you have an hour to process this fun night and have a cry. They wake up the next morning like nothing ever happened and you have to let it go...again. These people rip to shreds a loving, caring heart, spirit & soul and the irreversible damage that is inflicted is immense and sometimes permanent. Then all the "know it all/ have all the answers..."I would have left the 1st time he/she called me a psycho" people get to see, feel, experience all the mental strength it takes & what it was like on an everyday basis, day in and day out, the ups and downs, the love and hate, passion and fear... but most of all the CONFUSION...and they get to feel how deep it cuts your heart and soul... every last bit of it, shredded. No one would ever again mutter the words...Why didn't she/he just leave if it was so bad? I would love to shove that memory stick in a few people's head.
I understand you. I put up with so many endless hours & hours of narcissistic abuse, it affected my personality too, where I felt myself absorbing his projected anger at me, causing me to feel like I was splitting in 2 becoming BPD myself. I would regress & split into a non-verbal grief stricken traumatised child crying my eyes out confused as to why the person I'd trusted to care about me was being abusive to me, then all my own inner rage expressing all the toxic fire breathing dragon personification of the wrath of my long line of maternal Italian ancestors unleashed itself at him via an angry email telling him how he'd hurt me. Evidently that just meant he would then accuse me of being abusive by email & then he'd send me abusive emails back for hours at a time. The last time we communicated he spent all day maybe 8 hours telling me how his mates hated me telling me how I deserved to go to prison because I'd accused him of being a rapist, over & over again. (I hadn't, I'd told him I'd been a rape victim & a victim of violent crime & been beaten up & had concussion &, PTSD & needed to be loved to heal, & I couldn't deal with his anger or saying certain words because it triggered a traumatic response. He then used my vulnerability against me telling me for hours over & over again that I wasn't the victim, he was, I deserved to go to prison, continually writing the words rape, sex offender, rapist, while telling me how much him & his mates hated me, over & over again. Inevitably seeing the words rape & rapist over &over again in combination with him telling me how much him & his mates hated me made me experience PTSD memories all over again. All while he was accusing me of being like the woman from baby reindeer, despite the fact he was the one who originally told me he wanted a committed relationship, met my family & even told me I was the love of his life & he would have wanted to marry me & have children with me if we'd met when we were younger. I managed to explain to him in as neutral, logical, objective yet firm & clear way I'd report him to the police if he didn't stop. He did. We've communicated briefly since but just 1 or 2 line factual sentences. The negative cycle has ended. I can breathe in peace now. I took certraline for a month to get my seratonin levels back on track because I was feeling almost suicidal. I've been virtually no contact for the last month. On my own I am absolutely fine, happy to be myself, looking after myself alone. I got some fish & a mouse as pets. They are small, cute & low maintenance & easy to care for. I feed them food & they love me & I am at peace & happy in tranquility. A lot easier than dealing with a guy with NPD causing my brain to self destruct. There's a part of me that still misses his lovely side but if he's going to make me feel like I'm developing BPD or suicidal ideation.... I can objectively say it's not going to work.
This video is simply gold! And it's so well explained, I watched it for 2 days over and over again. These videos are addictive. I never found somewhere else on you tube something explained so well. You also have the gift of explaining so everybody can understand. This channel finally answers to all my questions and became my favorite channel and the only one I watch on psychology subject. THANK YOU VERY MUCH PROFESSOR VAKNIN!
Common in society to concentrate on mothers part and very little on the father’s part of responsibility. It would be nice to hear more advise on ”dead fathers” and the impact fathers have on their children. Especially considering that most narcissists and psychopaths are men.
It’s the same thing....attachment to primary care givers. Therapy does over focus on moms, will give you that OR Doc could address if interchangeable. Thank you!
@@VIDS2013 I'm talking about psychopaths and narcissists, a condition much more common in men than it is in women. Borderlines have empathy unlike psychopaths and narcissists and have better chances to get better. Psychopaths and narcissists don't think there is anything wrong with them... So there is difference.
I completely understand your point and I, too, am curious about the true effect of fathers on children. But I do understand the reason that the focus is typically so much on mothers is because up until today, the primary care taker is most often the mother. Rarely, if ever, is the father the one at home taking care of a new born to enfant to toddler etc, even if he is married to mom. As a result of that, the mother is the very first person the baby will know and the person to shape the child's mental state.
@@DonTwanX I think you have a very out grown view on how parenting works, even how family works in general. Thats not how it worked back in the old days and it’s definitely not how things work today in modern world. Through out the history we can clearly see that the roles of parents have been interchangeable, meaning that depending on situation and society, both parents would simultaneously or singly ”provide” for the family. and research clearly shows that families that have been able to adapt to changes and take on different roles have been most succesful. However, I am sorry to hear about your experience with your mother. Parents should be our comfort and security but sadly sometimes they’re not, due to their own trauma
Well it seems listening to these comments that the mother more influence to the sun and the father more influence to the daughter as far as relationships goes
I'm so glad I didn't catch this when it was released, I would have been depressed for weeks. Much more ready to listen now. To think that our society or majority of our society, is invested in the inanimate as we are invested in a dead caregiver, a caregiver that never was. It means us, our mothers, our children, are all victims of the same neglect, the same internalised, hurt. Mother was never there. Where is mother? Is she in that house. In that job. In that other person? No, she's dead. But we can't accept that she's dead. She can't be dead. She never 'died', she's just, dead. So we keep her mummified, in our things, in our homes, in our 'stuff', people become possessions too, to be left in a corner, picked up again when we feel like it, to be non-intrusive, non demanding, to be there to serve us.
Your comment touched me. Deeply for some reason. The picking up and discarding, being left in a corner until I could serve a purpose again... Yes. And this was a friendship, not a romantic relationship. I had to put a stop to it. My heart goes out to yours.
I've often observed that I was brought up as boy not a girl. Now this makes it clear ... My Father was my Mother. (My mother was another child in the house ... For me ... Not my siblings) And my Father was not a totally dead mother, but a half dead mother
This is me and my mother. She was never there physically, emotionally. Never there. Never showed any love or affection. She also mentally, psychologically,, physically and emotionally abused me as a child.
Same here but I'm not a dead mother I had a loving father so I don't get what he's saying. I don't believe I am a narc or my brothers but my sisters are.
Dear Prof, I listen to your analyses many times over, and I always discover something new and profound in them. In this video, your analysis of insecure attachment styles of Cluster B personalities continues to enlighten me every time, in ways that were previously eluding me. I encourage followers to revisit your playlists at different points in time, to benefit from them afresh. I work with clients who present with complex, overlapping personality disorders and trauma, and I feel as though you are my virtual mentor, sitting on my shoulder, during and after sessions, and beyond. Your unique work is playing a very important part in my therapeutic and psychological development. Thank you so much.
The Dead Mother Complex…..if you have a dead mother, you become a corpse. For these people to love you, they have to kill you off, negate you, deny your speech to control you to avoid their pain, because they are afraid to think (about the schemata of their emotions). So, they remove the access between themselves from consciousness. Wowww. This explains a Lot about narcissism. This discussion is Profound. Thank You for sharing your knowledge.
Sam Vaknin, YOU are the MAN. Very well presented and explicitly explained in great detail of higher English. I am displaying many of the behaviours mentioned of these styles. Raised by (Dead) mother narcissist, whom physically abused me. Being the scapegoat and truth teller. Also, (Dead) Father (functioning Alcoholic) in the means of skillful work occupation. I, in very early childhood was pushed out of safety base and ventured across busy main traffic roads to seek attachment with other kind adults of which I met in mums routine café. I have low self esteem little self worth and accept the continuation of physical abuse from partners even though I know full well that I don't deserve the punishment of such. Regrettably I wanted to be loved so badly that I became a mum at 18yrs and the attachment dysfunction has generated to the next generation. I have failed my children and I continue with the extreme independence and fear of attachment style. I exhibit traits of most mentioned and write this with hopes that schools education will conduct a subject of these Matters that's informative to the growing increase of Mental instabilities and educate the upcoming adolescents with YOUR' teachings Sam. I am newly learning of these mood disorders yet lived dealing with them all of my 47yrs. I am BPD or complex PTSD I struggle to define. Thank you so very much for your help and immense knowledge and understanding of the widely misunderstood. Sam Vaknin, You are The MAN.
I have apprehensive knowledge & it’s frustrating that I can’t put words to it perhaps that is from C-PTSD - It feels like my ability to comprehensively put it in words “FREEZES” Therefore it is apprehensive knowledge that wants to be expressed but I fail in trying to verbalize it. I can play piano and do music to attempt to express it. Frustrating as I never was at a loss for words or expression when I was young & in denial - denial was bliss but set me up for shock in later life .And yes Elizabeth Kubler-Ross stages of grief is exactly what I am going through now . Finally getting into acceptance stage thank you for your expertise and contributions to the field . Much appreciated.🙏
Thank you so much for this video where you added Flat Attachment . This has helped answer some core questions of my 5 years of bewilderment with my BF (which he now degraded us to friends status). This answers reversed intimacy. I’ve probably have watched almost all your videos over the last 3 years or so. This is one of your best. So much deep information that I’ve had to listen to it many times. So much of this describes my relationship with him more precisely. You have helped me tremendously! Thank you!❤️
This is incredible. Thank you for your significant contributions Professor. I believe that I am Borderline and I am attached to a Narcissit. Anyone else relate?
I’ve never heard anyone say the narc devalues and idealizes themselves as they do with their partners. That gives perfect reason as to why they discard, as they devalue you they discard you because they are devaluing themselves at the same time
I think maybe based on how far gone they are you can/cannot bring out their awareness of the "dead mother". I was able to notice how distant, emotionless, not motherly, his mother is the very first time I laid eyes on her. And nothing about that has changed still to this very day. When I bring that up to him, he completely ignores me with complete silence. If I press on it, he gets defensive of her or mad at me. If I get relentless and keep pressing on it, he then stands there or even tries to turn his back to me, his head down with what seems like a shameful look on his face in total silence. He even looks as if he wishes to become totally invisible in that moment. I always thought in those moments that was him recognizing that his mother was never the great mom he always fools himself into believing, but rather she was a "dead mother". Then I can't help but feeling sad for him in that moment. Before this video I never knew what to make of that.
Doctor I been watching your videos for a longtime. I really wish you could be my psychologist and just talk with me. I’m not looking for any treatment bc I fully aware that my sick mind will never change since I was 6, but I still wish I could just talk to you..a lot of the points u mentioned really straik my soul. I never expected anyone could explain the things that I have experienced so accurate and so...logical. I never really went to any therapy except the sessions when I was involuntarily brought to the institutions twice..I don’t think most psychologists or psychiatrist could ever understand my mindset. They won’t care about either
Every new video gives answers to questions I have after the end of my relationship, thank you. I had been thinking why my ex-lover (c-ptsd/cluster b/narcissist) brought up the fact that his mother has undercooled emotions (doesn't show affection) and she must be traumatized herself, so I asked why do you think so, but he didn't answer anymore and said, no I don't want to talk about it anymore, it makes me sad and two days after I went no-contact (he had switched me for someone else, but I was in denial, thought it was coercion from his parents that he did that, but now I know it was and will be always narcissism). He adored his (dead) mother from what I saw, but he sometimes got angry at her too for being an anxious person and found her distant in emotions. He was always afraid of his dad, like the rest of the family (I think an undiagnosed narcissist who abused him, his elder sister and their mother physically, mentally, emotionally, but not the younger siblings, though he was strict). His mother must have/had major depression and c-ptsd when he and his siblings were children. I see more mental health issues in the whole family: his elder sister has been cut off from the family for whom she ran off with at 21 years of age being already married (so she brought disgrace to the family); now she's a co-dependent married to a narcissist. I could never figure out why he had so many sexually tinted encounters with elder children and adults of both sexes, but with help of your video I recognize it now as promiscuity. He even told me how he wanted to kiss a teacher of him (erotically) at the age of 7/8 and that she had said you shouldn't kiss an adult like this, you're a child. I have seen how he misinterpreted women's behaviour when they were nice to him: he thought they were romantically interested; I never paid interest back then, thought it was funny, now I know it's no joke. What I saw during my 6 year affair with him is that gradually he was taking more and more care of his parents (still with angst towards his father), so he was parentifying now? He also started doing everything he could to please his parents whom he at the same time loathed, especially his dad: he tried to kill him as a child and then he said when he broke up with me, that he will do anything for his parents, especially his mother, even sacrifice me (he wanted to stay friends, but I disagreed with that). My therapist told me that he recognised projective identification in things he (my ex) did when he was younger, but after the breakup I told my therapist I felt that I was used too for projective identification, as I felt that I had been like his mother for him at some point, unreachable and in the end he wanted me away, angry at me, and honestly dead is how I felt when he put me outside as garbage... I didn't know about your work then, it's what I felt, and you describe it exactly that way: I'm really flabbergasted, you really hit the bull's eye there! My therapist mentioned attachment disorder as well when we were talking about me and my ex... I recognise so much, I'm very grateful for your work, it's helping me in healing, and that's why I share my story... I will definitely use your work to spread these insights to people who are struggling with bringing up their children. I see so many lost cases as a GP... It's so sad that people who shouldn't have children make babies, but can't care for them. I'm now after my breakup with the narcissist thinking to have a child at 38! and people have already children when they're 18 or 19... Child themselves usually. I work as a GP in jails too: so much good is lost in childhood when I read their history. Sometimes I wish some people could be prohibited for having children, but that's a whole other ethical issue, and I don't see it happening anytime soon.
My ex narcs mother went into a coma after his birth and died. All of this is insightful in understanding all romantic relationships involved a process of becoming the dead mother.
This describes why the malignant narcissist I finally divorced would constantly threaten my life, physically and verbally abusive, the glares of disdain, telling me there aren’t enough words to tell me how much he hates me. It’s as if he turned me into his, mother, then dead mother . At other times he played the tyrannical father to me. . Never the husband, partner role
Thank you, another piece in the jigsaw. I said to him several times that he could only love me when he had pushed me away and I was gone. So painful and confusing.
Eliza, you hit the "nail on the head" for me when you state: "He could only love me when he had pushed me away and I was gone. So painful and confusing" This has been my experience as well. But once I "got his #" and bag of mind manipulations, I was OUTTA there, even though I was going through year-long treatment for cancer. I didn't need to deal with TWO MALIGNANCIES!!!
@@PATRICIAMBAKER that's awful you had to deal with cancer AND a toxic person 😔 Glad you got away. I found it very hard to turn my back on my ex, but i did it eventually and Covid has helped with staying no contact!
@@mamacitasalsera while his behavior was SHOCKING, it actually gave me inner fortitude to walk away from him, as I saw he was incapable to "stand by my side & be there for me" at my most VULNERABLE time in life....and during a Pandemic, to boot 👢 So I gave HIM THE BOOT outta my life, because I can never UNKNOW he abandoned me "in sickness and in health". And the irony is the 11 months prior to my diagnosis, is that I helped HIM cure TWO CHRONIC diseases he had been dealing with for DECADES. So that was ENOUGH evidence for ME he was incapable of being a supportive partner. I am sending the VERRRRRRRY Best wishes to you for complete HEALING 💚💙💚
@@PATRICIAMBAKER yes they can't deal with their partner being sick, or having any expectations of them at all! Thank you Patricia and all the best to you too xx💚💚
My psychopathic ex tried to kill me psychologically. He wanted me silent and uncomplaining during the day, and still and unresponsive during sex. He would have been happier with a sex doll.
Dr. Vaknin, after listening your videos I feel like I had a rebirth. I don’t have enough words to explain how much you have helped me to unfold my understanding my situation of life. I want to grow more with the knowledge you provide. Is there any way I can take your classes?
Death - both literal and metaphorical - was present in all my relationships. Suicide attempts, AIDS, violence - my first boyfriend was a Count because his father had died when he was 2. His father and 8 uncles and aunts were buried in the crypt of his castle. They had all died before the age of 35 (because inbreeding?). And yes, I was obsessed with Dracula as a kid, but I'm not even kidding. This first boyfriend existed. I had an abortion at 17 and he spent the next 2 years whining I'd 'killed our baby'. I thought he would end up killing me, covertly. I still can't believe I made it out alive and now know people who are not carrying morbidity like breath.
I don’t know if my mother fits into the narcissist model. She was very distant emotionally, but work hard to take care of us, had many children and a difficult husband. Then as a teenager I noticed she gets jealous of the clothes I buy for myself when I start to work. I hide it from her. She was not mean to me but distant. Now I take care of her, she is 86, and I realized how self centered she is, everything that I tell her about me, she doesn’t show much interest she tops up with her own experiences, like all her experiences in life are more interested, is all about her all the time! She complains a lot about her mother not being envolve much in her care as a child, and she brags that she was a great mother bc she stayed home and took care of us (yeh physically not emotionally). Never remember one hug from her, but she said she kissed me a lot when I was a baby...then next! Another one in the way!!! Most of time I hide how much I resent her, just to avoid drama! She is more easy going now but very self absorbed! 😌
@Janete Win Describes my mother to a T. Total self-obsession, lack of interest in others except in her obsessive control of her three daughters and 'flying monkies,' got shot of my dad pretty quickly, thereafter living on 'the kindness of strangers,' as Tennessee Williams has it, completely flirtatious and jealous of any chaps picking me and sisters up for film nights, etc (we all quickly met boys elsewhere). Defo narcissistic personality. disorder. Did I miss anything? Ahhh, no physical contact ever can I remember. Ever. Except the hairbrush, or whatever came to hand sessions. Fought back, physically (v. cringeworthy, but necessary) at circa 14 when I was bigger than she - and my sisters squealed and shrieked, defending her! She 'disowned' me when I got a place at the university. Wot the hell!! I took up the place. The lies, the drama, the (begging your pardon) f-wittery of it all). My middle sister and I left young and live far, far away unto this day. A couple of years ago, one of my aunties, my cousin, and her baby, aged one, visited and my mother had a two- year-old type tantrum as per (zero impulse control) and slugged my sister - who was holding the baby - so hard that she lost a tooth. Barking. Any case, we (my middle sister, my husband, and my two sons) think younger sister has been turned -- same level of control, inconsistency, self-obsession, etc. Sorry, shall stop now. Professor Vaknin's lectures here are so v. valuable - and cathartic. Alas, I shd add that, although I moved from home at 16 years old, I didn't actually, completely separate (required visits 'home,' etc) till I was 52 1/2. Harrowing times. A lucky thing for me was living till I was 13 when she died with my paternal great-grandmother, a clever and v stable woman who took me everywhere as her first gt. grandchild, mostly to her C of E church and visiting the 'girls' she'd known all her life and my dad. She, I think, was an antidote to my mum being hugely affectionate) plus keeping 'Lady Elaine' as my mum dubbed herself, and had all and sundry call her, in check. You couldn't make it up. Sorry: all about me. It is, though one does it seldom, a relief to talk about occasionally. You are an awfully decent and kind person to care for your mum. With best wishes, L
My husband is from iraq. He went back to his country yesterday to see his mother. He was very distant and violent with me. I hope he finds his mother alive.
The unthought-known to me feels like it can be explained in energetic terms in that every tbought is vibration which has a frequency. The trauma creates a frequency that gets lodged in the body over and over again in many cases. Its too traumatic to go into but its always there. How do you put words on ftequency ? I do wonder what energy healing techniques would do to help ...EFT comes to mind. Thanks Sam .... You have put words on and given me the language to to speak to others on this fascinating topic. Im in recovery at the moment from a very traumatic relationship and you have helped me so much to realise what l experienced. Thank you ❤
Very intresting helpful information What confused me is If the Narc is trying to make you a dead mother , then isnt Grey Rock feeding into that? Aside from ny question , this was super educational intresting helpful . Thank You
Dr. Vaknin, can you please comment on the outlook for a child with a dead mother who has another parental figure in their life with whom they have a close connection with and who serves as a safe base, albeit only part time as the child is only with this person 50% of the time? This other figure entered the child’s life at age 4. Thank you very much for this insightful video!
I can see how it can be problematic to be attached to material objects. But I also think there is truth to expressions like "sexy cars" and "sexy clothes" etc. That's second-order sexuality, and biological sexuality is the first order kind.
I would like to learn more about the non-existence/conditional existence you speak about in the last minute of this video. Do you have other videos that address this, or can you recommend other resources? Does it have a name or can you suggest keywords that could help me search for more about this? I haven’t heard it described this way before. Thank you.
My Mama egnorded me and didn't bond with me.She was mean toward me and rejected me continually. She was mean to me. It's all fascinating to me. I'm learning all about me.❤
That explains why my name in his phone is Hot Chilly wife Moma he's so childish and like a young child i give him supply to much of it like his mother that he hates 😓
Dear Prof. Vaknin, if NPD's introjects are mute (28:30) how then do they put down the NPD? Does it happen "non verbally"? Thank you again for your wisdom.
When my ex wanted a divorce and I left I wanted my children with me. He took care and control of the children because I was a stay at home mom at the time and the court felt he was in a better economic position to care for them. My last son was 8 months old, his elder brother was 3 years. I had to leave and was in a mess because I didn't want.any.of this. Nevertheless, I got visitation for the weekends but I could see especially in my youngest that he is cold and detached. He hugs me, plays, talks to me but he is distant. He doesn't talk much but when he does his sense of humor.is very cold and sadistic even, he is now 6. How can i.help him and even my elder son who is always.looking for attention, always helping, thinks he knows everything but feels very ashamed if corrected and cries. I'm trying my best but I'm not seeing any changes.
This may be a stupid question, but what determines the type of insecure attachment style of a person with BPD, if they tend to transition between idealisation/devaluation of partners through self-states that can lead to secondary psychopathic behaviour as you call it, then might they display a more dismissive or even fearful-avoidant style during devaluation and anxious-preoccupation style during idealisation, in conjunction with the transient positivity/negativity of their sociability & self-esteem?
Hello! I am a little confused, because I have heard academics stating that psychopaths are born so, then others such as yourself stating that psychpaths can be the result of complex trauma. Are there different types of psychopaths? Could you please recommend some works, or speak about this subject in your further videos? I am a techer, and I have met all kinds of peculiar behavior, children who see us as substitutes or extentions of their mothers. This very video describes some of them very well, their parents too, so thank you very much for offering us valuable information. Best wishes!
Watch the videos about secondary psychopaths. Psychopathy runs in families and has components of heredity and brain abnormalities. But to state that psychopaths are born psychopaths is shameful ignorance, typical of many self-styled “experts” online, many of them with untraceable, self-imputed academic “degrees”.
I'm no expert at all but I do remember mistakenly calling my teacher "mommy" one time🥴😬😄 I was around 6 or 7. I know alot of kids who did that, I don't think any of us grew up to be psychos, lol.
The child who think that I"m not good enough for my mom , create a false self , which is perfect and deserves a perfect mother , and what a perfect mother can able to do ; can able to die for her kid .
It means when a loving relationship ends or what you perceive to be loving relationship As normal people would grieve the end (ex reflect feel the hurt of the end (th e emotional ending) Flat people dont feel any of that they just get right back on the horse as nothing ever happened.
Is it possible for you to do a video on overt narcissists only I’m not sure if you have in the past and I am on my iPhone so I can’t use the search engine properly please let me know thank you
Sam Vaknin I love all your videos though they help me immensely so thank you!!! And maybe I needed that comment about being lazy to motivate myself ✨💞 🙌🏻
Not all are indicative of this explanation. Abuse doesn't define a child or adult, as if it wad their crime. It infuriates me when people say that the abused become abusers. This is too generalise4d and is not an exact Science. It does not take into account those children who arre extremely perceptive in the world and who totally disasosiate themselves from their abusers. This field of mental evaluation based on childhood experiences of abuses from adults, is a dangerous unforgiveable science, because it professes to know a person and then labels them, purely based on hypothecy. A person is much more complex and individualised. What good is thesr hypothecies, when the world does not recognise them or even consider them in any legal standing. Stalking is a crime, and you could be jailed. Yet, it is a vulnerable attachment and reaction to dissasociate attachment. Many people are in jail because society doesn't recognise those with MH or dissioders. So what is the point? Many in this chat are eager to label their spouses and play the moral high ground. It just gives those who complain an excuse in avoidance tactics. The world has turned so nasty and the authorities and the public use these labels too flippantly and label and write off people who they want to get rid of. Why should the abused get labeled when they are surrounded by a wicked world and have full rights to be cautious. They are not scapegoats for the world's sins ffs. Most psycologists and psyciatrists are very messed up people and label people after a 1 hour assrssment. Now that is what I call Narcissism.
Hello, i live with a textbook bod partner, byť i experience on myself some behavior paterns od an npd, i know this od nôt rcommended, but i recognised on my self All prerequesites ov avpd.now my question: Can avpd be diagnosed AS a subtipe of nvpd?
Is it possible to be partly as you describe? Are there different grades of narcissism, of being insecure attached, etc.? I understand you give 100% models, but we are not 100% this or that, are we?
Hello SAM !i used to be anxious attachment or fearful not sure .after2 narcissists i started to read about narcissism have a good partner made time to get used to good treatment and now i am 44%secure attachment but my secondary attachment style is avoidant now. I just know that if i am emotionally vonurable 100% ,i might get hurt.(its also because previews experiences with narcissists.)can i cure avoidant attachment style?or this will stay forever cause i don't want to get hurt like that ever again ?
@@samvaknin yes i've definately had diffrent experience(meaning a loving partner after a narcissist) what i'm saying is i feel like i've lost ability to truly love .because that requires me to be 100% open and vulnerable and i don't think i'm gonna do that ever again. will this change overtime if i'll be with loving partner and continue self-work? or is it over for me?i feel like i gave my all to narcissists.(btw i'm completely aware of my attachment style and i don't withdrawal i welcome love .at first it felt unfamiliar but i got comfortable once i was with a loving partner.at first i didn't believe ihs intentions were honest but i know now and i feel it is.also i do not torture him i give love and care and i've asked him and he says he feels loved by me.) will this feeling that i'm not 100% in go away?
Is this a video you could show someone who is possibly unaware of the depth there disconnection is as a intimate partner? Or will they see it as absurd?
@Juliette M thx yes I understand. I had thought possibly if it was done with love, but if the disconnect is so extreme & love is not a reality for them to accept, it wouldn't serve either person. I can't be sure my love is even excepted 😕 @ times it is express as very doubted by him.
You're the first person who I have seen say this. My mom commited suicide 5 or 6 years ago. I believe she was borderline. I don't know what I would like to say. I'm just floored to see someone who posted a comment as though they were me. The experience of a bpd mom who commits suicide is so isolating. Hugs to you. Thank you for sharing. I knew I wasn't alone but it feels that way.
@@tansyveejones6749 thank you. Yes I have left but still must share custody so just schooling myself the best I can with understanding this personality type and it's repercussions.🙏🙏
Somewhat. It's so much work to be a good mother. But each day I try. I fail often, but I'll never stop trying. She tells me I am the best mom ever. She only knows me, I only knew a bpd mother who commited suicide. I'd say self awareness is key. Knowing and WANTING to be a better mother means I'm not the worst....that's my findings.
@@angelamary91 thank you for sharing your experience. I have adopted children who are all suffering the effects of attachment disruption and I have attachment issues myself. It's ironic to think that because we were raised to believe that we're not good enough, we actually never will be good enough, and we'll pass that curse on to the next generation.
Hello Sam, I have been with the narc for 20 years and he is 25 years older than I I always known his mother had something to do with this even though he has always said his mother was a good woman. He sometimes when we would fight would just start slapping himself or one time took the iron and banged his head and started bleeding I was in shock and just stopped the argument to comfort him and give in I did not know what was happening I was frightened and concerned. Sometime after I asked him when he started to do it to my daughter why he said his mother would do this. He also said he can forget about anyone even close relations like kids me or anyone he is attached to I have seen it. Most of our relationship has been with put-downs or silence and denial of and sexual interest. He can only talk about the surface thing with me he does not know me and denies any humanity. I am done this time and he is stone cold and silent and just stays in the room all day I feel like maybe in danger. I feel he is plotting. He told me he hopes I do not argue with God when I meet him. I said I hope I do not meet him any time soon. He blames me for not getting love from his kids and feels like he has to save face somehow. Says I am the worst thing that has happened to him and he hates me. Really I am very very loving and patient and have stayed 20 years hoping the more I loved the better it will get but the worse it gets. So now I have to be protective of myself and he thinks I will give in and stated he has to be in purgatory until I give in. Then he says I am a masochist and II love this. I really do not I have been in pain and isolation for years . I do not understand. Please help
Get out. I'm sure you have little support because of his isolating you. Call domestic violence shelters. Tell them of his threats. Gather your important paperwork. Pack a bag without him knowing. Get in your car and go. Sending you strength. I know it's hard. You are a beautiful soul worthy of love. Leave. There are programs. I know no one wants to live in a shelter. But it looks like heaven compared to an early grave at the hands of a man you loved.
This was posted 7 months ago so I sure hope that you are in a much safer place. Just as an fyi to anyone else going through something like that (from someone who unfortunatly went through it): Don't ever let him "smell" your fear because your fear is his control over you and that's his driving force. He's not a man at all, remember that. So protecting you and your child is not in his vocabulary nor on his radar and never will be. Make him feel comfortable as you slide on out of there for good. He'll be back trying to win you over claiming he's a changed man, crying crocodile tears and/or try and "bargain" with you if he changes would you go back, and so on. Don't go. Stay firm. Let him get help for himself and figure it out on his own, literally like "a big boy". If he's gonna be so low as to make his wife his dead mother, then the choice is 100% yours as to what kind of "mother" you'll be for him. Lol. The only thing that will force him to become something similar to a grown man is if you are not in his life at all and for the love of God never let him near your child unsupervised.
I have a dead father (doesn't talk in same house,bullied me)and half dead mother.She abused me in every way.I am wounded severely depressed.I don't know why sometimes i feel i have not much attachment with my lover but it may not be true i am not sure
I believe avoidant people only get anxious when they feel people avoid them too much and anxious people become negligent of the relationship because the pain of not knowing where the relationship stands help allow themselves to be selfish and neglectful or they just find someone else who is ignoring them as well.
I wonder if it all starts off as untreated ADHD! Given the differences in the frontal lobes of both in comparison to those without the two conditions. Often ADHD if left untreated can produce co morbid Oppositional disorder, eventually becoming Conduct disorder. Impulsivity and an inabilty to regulate emotions, also the difficulties in internalising consequences are similar characteristics.Now throw a dead parent into the mix and years of negative interpersonal relationships and you have the perfect recipe for a cluster B personality disorder. My ex is borderline/ narcissistic, displayed symptoms of ADHD and he had suffered abuse from his primary care giver too. Maybe the same medication might help. I have ADHD and know too well the challenges, however I do not have borderline, but have been prone to rejection sensitivity. My perceived abandonment at my younger sibling being born was very real. ADHD children are hard work for most parents with a new baby, let alone those suffering with post natal depression. The ADHD child will often be punished for being too demanding once another child is born. Even if there are no other siblings, they can be challenging for the most patient of people. I was diagnosed at 55, my life would have been very different if it had been earlier! Many people never get a diagnosis, it's a serious condition if it isn't spotted.
ADHD often stems from an underdeveloped airway. Child can't sleep well at night and becomes hyper active in daytime. Often palate expansion and orthodontics before the age of 8 can resolve the issue.
if a scholar is not getting pissed about someone refusing to do his research (aka looking up previous videos) before asking a question, is he really a scholar? :)
Very disappointing video. Usually you are more insightful. This is a very limited and sexist view, blaming everything on the mother. Try to expand your thinking doc.
Having been "dead" for 10 years in a relationship with a covert narcissist, its wild coming out of the other side. Having people from my past saying it was like I was gone, had disappeared, makes me realise how much I tried to fit into the role of dead mother. Its great to be alive again!
I'm fighting against the impulse to pursue emotionally unavailable people. I thought many times "my loved one is like a desert, I need to pour life and colours in him/her" but now I see how it was a projection of my urge to be less "dead" and "useless". It's unpleasant to realise how I grow up unequipped for love, but at least I'm committed in getting to know myself, my emotions. These lessons are precious tools, thank you.
Jakub Hrbata thanks :)
@@mickadatwist1620 :D !!
It's very courageous to do this. It hurts but we have to
@@StartingPlanet 10 months later I see I’m not useless, nobody is. I’m still learning thou. Lately I’m reading a book by Porges, about the polyvagal theory, it’s helpful.
Codependency
Empower your children.
Love the explanation of the dead mother . Your so right ,his mother was dead and he was a complete narcissist ,that I was with for 56 yrs ,he just died from covid in may ,and yes, he tryed to make me be the dead partner by giving me ,nothing but abuse ,neglect, no trust with him ,but I realize ,that it also goes back to my childhood ,excepting it ,and thinking I could change him some how, when I can only change myself, and now I feel so free with him gone and the stress is over from living with him ,I think it feels like the best time in my life ,since I was a teenager ,and had control of just me ,great video, one of your best ,and yes, I'm co dependent and emotionally avoident and fear intimatcy ,thats ok though I'm 76 ,who needs it now .
@LindaYeager maybe you can now focus on this wonderful stage of your life, can reflect on what it is you have survived&realize some do not. May God bless you in these beautiful golden years of yours. And hopefully you could simply pay it forward when someone needs your story😊
Sending u big 🤗
I think you still need it 😊
Age is just a number. Start your second life today. It’s never too late.
I am sure he wont Be missed
Some notes:
00:02, 00:16 Intro, personality disorders, cptsd and attachment
1:21, 3:45 Attachment
4:27, 5:49, 6:50, 12:06 Childhood
5:17, 5:38 Dialectics in childhood - adult relationships
5:49 The Working Model
7:05, 8:31 Safe base
8:17, 9:49 Individuation as painful, codependence
10:44, 11:47, 13:32 "Dead Mother complex"
13:32 The seeds of narcissism
14:37 Attachment and Transference issues in therapy with those who are narcissistic, cannot bond
15:43, 16:28 Issues with attachment theory - narcissistic, codependence, psychopathic defenses
16:28 Detachment
17:30 Children love their mothers, even the atrocious ones
19:06, 20:40 Cluster B (traumatised people) and attachment, self-delusional, they are themselves "Dead" because of internalising a "Dead parent"
20:57 Emotional thinking in attachment disorder
21:20, 23:22 Cathexis in attachment disorders, destrudo/libido
23:53, 24:28, 25:01 Approach/avoidance, push/pull, love/withdrawal in insecure attachment, experiencing attachment as threatening
25:14 Importance of "being seen" as a child
26:10 Avoidance of true attachment, self-sufficiency, self-parenting, auto-erotic
27:40 Introjects in Cluster B, effects on relationships, Borderline of psychosis
29:41 Bollass and concept of "the unthought known"
30:30 Afraid to think, inhibitory - repressed/suppressed?
31:47 Early trauma and "unthought known"
32:56 Better Elements - repression/denial of traumatic experiences, protection from thoughts of the experience/s and the following disintegration
33:38 Elements of unthought known
35:32 Effects of unthought known on the relationships of the severely traumatised
38:44 Sequence of developing disordered attachment
39:14 Bollass and Winnicott, the true self
39:39 Systems centred therapy - apprehensive vs comprehensive knowing
40:29 Psychotherapy, unthought known, modeling a healthy parental relationship and projective identification
40:58 Attachment disorders
43:51, 45:10 Secure base distortion, fawning vs self-sufficient/parentification, role confusion, trust and social function issues
45:53 Disrupted attachment, abrupt separation from primary attachment figure/s death/divorce/siblings etc
46:33 Idealisation and devaluation, introjection as a "bad object", thoughts of being not worthy of love/safety etc
47:15 Adult behaviour issues from attachment disorder and idea of being unworthy
47:31 Trauma repetition compulsion in disordered attachment adults, projective identification, and the grieving process
48:48, 49:14 Maternal ptsd and safe base distortion - abusive mothers and it's effects - Borderline PD
49:27 All adult relationships as reenactments of childhood relationships
50:03 Attachment styles largely stable throughout lifespan - established age 2-6yrs - working models and mental health
52:45 4 main types of attachment styles in adults - secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, fearful-avoidant (+ flat)
54:00, 55:32, 56:20 Flat attachment (idealise, devalue, discard and replace) vs Commitment-phobes
1:00:23 Insecure attachment styles, anxious-preoccupied
(negative view of self, positive view of others)
(borderline, covert/inverted narcissistic, codependent)
1:05:55 Dismissive-avoidant attachment
(positive view of self, negative view of others)
(overt narcissist, psychopath)
1:09:22 Fearful-avoidant attachment
(unstable/fluctuating view of self and others)
(some borderline, compensatory narcissist, secondary psychopath)
1:10:54 ⭐ Fearful-avoidant: history of major losses or massive trauma.
1:12:40 Theory of relational schemas
1:19:53, 1:22:50 ⭐, 1:26:22 ⭐ Conclusion, CPTSD, dis-functional defensive mechanisms as a result of major developmental trauma
How anylitical ❤️The value of good note taking can NEVER be underestimated! 👍
Thank you !!
so cool...thankyou
Thanks, good notes.
Thank you!! ❤️
This evening I have taken your insight into narcissism very seriously. I am learning very intently and appreciate this important education by your experience and knowledge. My last relationship was completely engulfed the way you described abs now I am realizing that my partner was working very diligently to kill me in every way and control my autonomy and my identity to be his own. I was confused and frightened so deeply that I could not verbalize exactly what I was going through. It was very painful to detach from him and as I was doing this carefully, I could see that he was becoming unstable and abusive. I could see his pain therefore causing me guilt and shame as though I was hurting him like a wounded little boy . I still to this day feel that I need to make the wrongs right. I miss him very much but it was too dangerous to revisit that turmoil and get lost again in him.
Thank you for sharing this education so that I can begin to regain myself again. I pray for his mental health abs safety.
Beautifully said. Its hard to see them suffer and not feel bad.
People only learn and evolve through pain and suffering, this guy is so wise and intuitive he must have suffered a lot he is always on point and hits the nail on the head it's so interesting to listen captivating like a live fire
This makes so much sense. His mother was abused as a child. At minimum, he was emotionally abused, neglected and harmfully controlled by her. He was the middle child...the whipping boy in his family. I’ve often thought when he raged at me for nonsensical “reasons” that he was really raging at his abusive mother who hurt him so much as a child.
I can relate to your experience and observations. My husband was also a middle child (the scapegoat) and both his parents were severely abused, especially his father. His mother boozed it up with her boyfriend and severely neglected him & his siblings. Living very, very poorly and way below poverty level. Always being evicted everytime they finally got settled. My husbands grandfather molested his son(narc husband's father) and let his Male friends take turns molesting him, also. Narc husband was very neglected and still to this day as a grown man, degraded, never good enough, stupid, never taken seriously by his father. Both parents have big time mental illness issues and were both raging alcoholics, all around extremely abusive, different sex partner most of the time (by his father). No respect for women and always lived with and sponged off of various women or when got kicked out, moved in with his elderly mommy. How in the world did I have that much altruism and ignorance to believe my love could help this boy, let alone fix or heal him. Granted, we were both only 14, freshman in high school when I quickly got enmeshed and trauma bonded to him. Not much faith I will ever completely break my TB either. His print is ingrained in my DNA. 😔
Pisces _Chick It is tragic how some people treat their children. I’m so sorry for what your husband endured and what that has done to you. My husband is my “ex” now, but as much as I know that I couldn’t survive mentally or physically with someone whose attitude toward me could change from “loving” to full blown rage in the blink of an eye, I can’t forget about the person he was who once consistently treated me well and with whom I have so many happy memories...I’ll always love that guy, whether he was “real” or just an acting performance. He’s been the “good guy” since before the divorce and now after...! I’ll never understand why these people don’t at least try to get mental help when they see their life and relationships disintegrating. I’ve never been ashamed to seek counseling when I’ve hit rough patches in life, but then I don’t think I’m “perfect”...I think the narcissist does. 😐
@@AdairCty gosh, you're experiences, feelings and perceptions and mine are very similar. I know I will never "not love, care or want the best for" my stbx narc husband. 26 years of blood, love, sweat, smiles, hate & tears. I will love him til the day I die. I've finally realized he was killing me. I was a ghost of myself. I stopped feeling any kind of joy, happiness. It was like the hard drive in my brain fried and was running on sleep mode. I made the motions, went to work, went to bed, went to work, went to bed, hoping everyday I just wouldn't wake up. But the sun kept coming. I knew he would have to end our marriage cause by this point I had no ability to make any kind of move or decision for my own well-being. I was utterly and completely conditioned and programmed. I knew I was dying, or just barely existing, but thinking about living without him felt like death, too. I accepted my life and the Devil I knew. He ended up betraying me in such a horrible, cruel and unforgivable way. Hindsight being 20/20 this was inevitable. I think he was hunting for my replacement our entire relationship, but no one ever stuck or was up to his standard. Cheaper to keep her kinda attitude? He was a mean, abusive bully, but oh Yes, when my husband showed up, the man I fell in love with....all the bad was worth it. How crazy is that? That is such a sick, toxic love that I would bet my car is harder than heroin to kick. I still haven't detoxed my love for him and it feels like I never may. But he don't feel that for me. I've witnessed the HATRED in his eyes for me. Last year during the discard was the darkest, most painful time I've ever experienced. Someone that you experienced EVERYTHING with, laughed loved, woke up to everyday, carried his baby in my belly, kissed everyday before he left for work...how does that go from there to PURE HATE?! Like I was the one who just broke our marriage and my friend's marriage apart. Like I was the one cheating and manipulating. Like I was the one banging my best friends spouse and picking him to live the rest of my life with?! He hates me for what he did to me. Twisted, degenerate bully. She can have that. I'm out, he's her problem now. One day I will send her a thank you card and Hopefully I will MEAN it by then.
@@pisces_chick2511 sheesh, I admire your insight, bravery, and the way you articulate your viewpoint. All the best to you on your healing journey❤
That's exactly what my EX did to me.... I was the one who got his misdirected abuse meant for his Mother. It ruined me on a level that's been so emotionally traumatizing I've had debilitating PTSD that hasn't been successfully treated in 9 years. I pray for others who have endured this horrendous mess....🙏. I lost everybody and everything I loved, my Identity eroded away after 14 years together, which is when this ugly abuse started💔
Holy shit this is the most profound insight I have ever heard and describes my life situation perfectly. I was diagnosed with BPD traits and my mother had a borderline personality disorder. My mother died a year ago and still I can't stop thinking about her and I keep idealizing her myself, seeing her as a victim. I'm loving a dead mother, but then again, what is grief if not love persevering? I have always known even as a child something was wrong the way I interacted with her, there where no boundaries and sometimes things felt uncomfortable. My mother wasn't agressieve or mean to me, she could be very loving. But she spoiled us and put us on a pedestal and talked to me as if I was her best friend, sharing details that aren't meant for a child's ears... You are completely right. Children will always love their mothers, no matter what they do and if their actions are bad or good. My mom had a great heart, but she was very lost in her mind. She, too, had a abusive and very lonely childhood. She really did try to give us everything she missed as a child, but she was unfit to be a mother. I believe I can only heal if I accept this truth.
"Interacting with you the same way he interacting with his dead mother" sounds and feels extremely creepy. It also finally clears up a lot of his out of this world behavior I've seen but could never understand. He always did seem to be a lot happier and comfortable with me, more like he'd be in his comfort zone when he would manage to bring out sadness, anger and aloof attitude in me, but his rage or hatred for me would come out in the times I was warm, caring, sweet toward him. He hated it when I would treat him as a priority. And for the life of me I never could make sense of this backward dynamic.
Yes this is a weird thing. It’s like there afraid of love or they simply don’t believe that it exist. So when you’re kind to them in there mind your up to something.
@@marygambrell6411 I took my NPD ex to a village fete last summer. We'd gone for lunch somewhere had a perfectly fine, normal time. Then when we got to the fete, I introduced him to 1 female I met I'd worked with, he was fine, surprised that she was positive about him, because I'd introduced him to her in a positive way, he couldn't understand healthy socialisation without competition . Then we were looking around & met a lady who was offering henna mendhi designs. Instead of asking if I wanted it, he asked her about it saying he wanted it done. The woman was shocked, saying it was for women only, so he became aggressive accusing her of being sexist. When I explained to him it is normally for marriage parties or parties for women & it's haram / forbidden in Islam for him to ask a woman who is not your wife or family member to touch you, he continued being aggressive, accusing her of false advertising & sexism... I managed to calm him down explaining it was the culture, then a Sikh guy from a stall selling wedding organisation & relationship & marital advice gave him a card to help with preparing a marriage, he said nothing. We then went to sit down on a bench & there was another guy there I'd worked with organising the PA for the music with a woman singing in a traditional Asian singing style. I asked him if he wanted to meet the guy I'd worked with on the radio thinking since he was a musician he'd be interested to network. Instead he stayed away while I went to chat briefly with the guy while staring at us suspiciously from behind a tree. I then went to sit with him on the bench to talk to him, but then he launched into a massive aggressive narcissistic abusive episode, making me burst instantaneously into tears. He was telling me relationships don't work & are a waste of time, repeatedly, like a repetitive mantra, shouting at me & embarassing me in front of my friends & work colleagues in my neighbourhood. I had to just walk off immediately & left him there, because it was just too embarassing to be associated with him, & when he switches & his narcissistic rage turns on, it's impossible to reason with him, he just goes round in circles shouting the same thing over & over again. I found out after he'd blocked me on FB, under a pretext I texted him too much, that he'd been clicking lovehearts on multiple other women's pictures behind my back. They all had in common the fact that they wore black gothic style & self proclaimed to be witches. I'd looked through the pictures & things they wrote about to get an idea of their personality. One in particular came across as particularly toxic. She self described as having had sex with so many men she'd lost count. She also wrote that "relationships were a waste of time", so it was like he was repeating her words verbatim. She also self declared herself as evil & how she enjoyed meditating on satan for protection. She embodied the classical dead bad mummy possessed by the personification of evil.
Evidently I was quite upset to discover he had an entourage of self declared toxic women who he advertised himself as in love with online, who all described themselves with glee as evil, vampires, zombies, possessed by satan and gothic witches.
I never understood why he couldn't just relax with me & just enjoy our time together & be happy & build a happy, successful relationship together. This video explains everything. His nonverbal inner child was still angry towards his neglectful dismissive aggressive mother, who he still also loved & had internalised & replicated at the same time. He was a musician, he had the typical rockstar long hair, wore eyeliner, told me he'd worn skirts to his gigs before trans dressing was even a thing, gloated continually about how he loved women throwing themselves at him, but also would alternate between excessive people pleasing & boundary blurring with total strangers like he had no boundaries, & the opposite behaviour, cringing with repulsion at the thought of anyone getting too close to him, even me, even though he wanted me to follow him around & stay close to him & run after him like a dog. When we 1st started seeing each other before he blocked me on FB I saw he still had a picture of his 20 year old ex dressed up like a zombie from a halloween party. When I asked him about it, he said it was a band photo because he was a musician & defended her as a good person because she was vegetarian even though she was clutching a cleaver dressed up in a nurse outfit in the photo like one of the killer nurses from the PlayStation game & film Silent Hill, i.e. scary as hell. He later told me she'd also slept in his bed with some other guy & he'd walked in on the act. 🤔.. not your conventional understanding of a good kind of woman, but I figured he must have created some kind of limerent fantasy about her 30 years later to compensate for the horror show girlfriend she must have been in real life. Anyhow. I just wanted to have a peaceful loving relationship & play music together & be happy but it was not to be.
I am actually happier alone now & wish him all the best with his 2 dimensional photo collection of zombie exes & gothic witch women on the internet to fantasise about. 2 dimensional women who are essentially so flat & inanimate they are unalive are clearly easier to deal with than being a real person with a heart in the flesh...
I've cried enough about all the times I've been hurt, shamed, betrayed, made to feel not good enough then confused by feeling maybe I'm not bad enough in his skewed version of the world, when I just want to be a good enough person & happy as I am. I think I'm beginning to understand objectively how his mindset works by now at least, & not take it personally.
I found this a very moving explanation of attachment styles and how we are all pretty much trapped in our own style, learnt in early childhood.
It’s dramatically true when I don’t show an emotional reaction to his detachment by detaching he then comes around as if it’s a comfort environment since his mother was a dead mother in my case me wanting to be a psychologist and heal from my old attachment style I’m conquering trauma through awareness removing heart break with simply accepting that this person is this way based on these type of facts
It all makes sense
Educating us and others on the mental side of individuals and me working with clients as a direct support professional to adults with schizophrenia psychosis autism and other mental disabilities I had to learn to detach myself emotionally and help redirect their behaviors connecting to the true issue once again they have patterns mentally
Had freed me from narcissist abusive emotional pain because it was manipulation by someone I’m nothing like or was from the beginning
Thank you for your videos
As with so many of the other videos of yours I have watched/listened to- it benefits me to watch it at least 3 times. The first time I become shocked and emotional at the overwhelming truth. Then I feel anger at how I fall for the same abuse over and over thinking that I am going to be the better person and help this poor soul out that so many other ppl have abandoned. And then I start to feel badly that I got angry and the sorrow for the lost child sets in. Your videos help me to feel empowered. I can now step back and see the relationships in truth. This video has convinced me that I am a real person. My feelings toward my partner have become almost clinical. I'm still saddened by his sad life but I'm fascinated by the knowledge and watching him play it out over and over and over and never getting the sadness/madness of his life under control. He reminds me of an ostrich sometimes- I bring videos or articles such as this to his attention and it's as if it was sucked into a dark hole. He doesn't even get angry with me- it's as if it didn't happen. So much of his weirdness makes sense now.
I relate to this so much. My ex covert narc used to look at things like this that i shared with him with a blank stare...as if what was being said was a foreign language..... no connection or interaction or discussion would take place. Thanks to videos like this, I have learned so much about my exs narcissism as well as my own attachment issues. Its quite fascinating but also makes me sad at times.
I recently ended the cycle with a narcissist who lost his mother as a young teenager. I never put together that his sailboat is named after her and it is where he takes his prey and love bombs them. He even wears a t-shirt he had made with his boat’s name on it! So glad to be free of him.
Learn so much in your videos, it's getting addictive). Could you please make a video elaborating on the father daughter relationship and its impact...?Thank u
I agree Dr. SV. My daughter and myself would be eternally grateful. Your tapes about the cluster B personality disorders, especially covert behaviors have helped me tremendously to make sense of all the things I have endured for so many years, for which I blamed myself and sometimes I thought I was loosing my mind.
I admire your the depth of knowledge you have achieved and the fact that generously share it with us. I have a master degree in social work and a master degree in child's law. Child/human development is my passion and by watching your tapes I can see the whole human developing picture in many different area. I have a love for learning about development and behaviors and you have encouraged me to keep learning. I wish you and Lidia a Happy New year!!
Thank you.
I was discarded after 25 years for the exact personality replica of his mother. In this final discard, I saw just how sociopathic he truly is. In my (armchair psychiatric) opinion, both of these women are a true histrionic personality with narc traits. I've known them both for over 20 years. It is creepy how similar they are, even their names!! I am still hurt and feel betrayed by him, especially how the discard happened, but I am seeing what a blessing in disguise it was. By the end of our marriage and all the cruelty and psychological torture, I believed I was BPD. Now, after being away from him, over a year's time and no contact in 10 months, my mental state, emotions and physical state have become completely regulated. I can only explain it as driven to crazy by an even crazier man. Thank you for your wisdom, point of view and your knowledge. I look forward to your videos 🖤
@@1dayfree I appreciate that sentiment. I can see now, out of the FOG, after all those years how much I actually went through. I own my part in the dysfunction junction. He turned me into a codependent!! I DO NOT see myself as the meek, timid, scared little mouse anymore. My viewpoint has done a 180° in just one year's time. I SURVIVED him. I am not a victim, I'm a warrior that made it through the bowels of Hell, the worst of the worst, and came out a Warrior!!! And since I survived him... I can handle anything life has in store for me!!!! Blessings to all of you who are going thru or have gone thru experiences with these cruel people.
I wish there was a way to download every memory, feeling, moment of life with these types. The lazy Sundays in bed making love all day, birthdays, thoughts, good & bad, the flash of some object being thrown at your head..just barely missing, the look you get and you know you'll pay for that later, slow dancing in the kitchen while cooking dinner, being called every nasty word possible, the lovebombing or re-idealization phase...finally, the ecstasy, the deep love and concern for this man...the father of your children, the drunken passionate sex, another angry night because he had a bad day at work, crying myself to sleep..over and over again....show them all that in a 1-2 minute sequence of the entire relationship and say, Hey...let me show you what life looked/felt like from my perspective, my side of the fence, all the love, blood, sweat and tears, my personal experience of the 26 years I spent trying to love an NPD man that doesnt want to be, or can't be... loved. And watch how pathetic and helpless you feel when you're (unknowingly) trauma bonded and how it turns right before your own eyes into a caustic, abusive relationship and you had no power or way of stopping it... Even though you did try and do everything you could think of to save it and get it back to good. How your partner, unbeknownst to you, is sabotaging all your efforts behind your back. How can she/he treat everyone ...EVERYONE else so good...normal..respectful...caring..
understanding...giddy and easygoing?? Then it's time to go home and you both get to the car and they flip the switch on you. They've had too much to drink but will not let you, the sober one, drive home. You get called a boring, fat loser and the keys get throwed at your head after being berated & put down for 10 mins. The entire drive home it just gets worse and you can't do anything right. They're screaming in your ear about how hard you braked at the stoplight and they have no clue what dumbass gave you a driver's license. They finally go to bed and you have an hour to process this fun night and have a cry. They wake up the next morning like nothing ever happened and you have to let it go...again. These people rip to shreds a loving, caring heart, spirit & soul and the irreversible damage that is inflicted is immense and sometimes permanent. Then all the "know it all/ have all the answers..."I would have left the 1st time he/she called me a psycho" people get to see, feel, experience all the mental strength it takes & what it was like on an everyday basis, day in and day out, the ups and downs, the love and hate, passion and fear... but most of all the CONFUSION...and they get to feel how deep it cuts your heart and soul... every last bit of it, shredded. No one would ever again mutter the words...Why didn't she/he just leave if it was so bad? I would love to shove that memory stick in a few people's head.
Pisces _Chick It’s true, I feel what you re saying ...thank God you made it out 😊❤️🙏🏽
I understand you. I put up with so many endless hours & hours of narcissistic abuse, it affected my personality too, where I felt myself absorbing his projected anger at me, causing me to feel like I was splitting in 2 becoming BPD myself. I would regress & split into a non-verbal grief stricken traumatised child crying my eyes out confused as to why the person I'd trusted to care about me was being abusive to me, then all my own inner rage expressing all the toxic fire breathing dragon personification of the wrath of my long line of maternal Italian ancestors unleashed itself at him via an angry email telling him how he'd hurt me. Evidently that just meant he would then accuse me of being abusive by email & then he'd send me abusive emails back for hours at a time. The last time we communicated he spent all day maybe 8 hours telling me how his mates hated me telling me how I deserved to go to prison because I'd accused him of being a rapist, over & over again. (I hadn't, I'd told him I'd been a rape victim & a victim of violent crime & been beaten up & had concussion &, PTSD & needed to be loved to heal, & I couldn't deal with his anger or saying certain words because it triggered a traumatic response. He then used my vulnerability against me telling me for hours over & over again that I wasn't the victim, he was, I deserved to go to prison, continually writing the words rape, sex offender, rapist, while telling me how much him & his mates hated me, over & over again. Inevitably seeing the words rape & rapist over &over again in combination with him telling me how much him & his mates hated me made me experience PTSD memories all over again. All while he was accusing me of being like the woman from baby reindeer, despite the fact he was the one who originally told me he wanted a committed relationship, met my family & even told me I was the love of his life & he would have wanted to marry me & have children with me if we'd met when we were younger.
I managed to explain to him in as neutral, logical, objective yet firm & clear way I'd report him to the police if he didn't stop. He did.
We've communicated briefly since but just 1 or 2 line factual sentences.
The negative cycle has ended.
I can breathe in peace now.
I took certraline for a month to get my seratonin levels back on track because I was feeling almost suicidal. I've been virtually no contact for the last month.
On my own I am absolutely fine, happy to be myself, looking after myself alone. I got some fish & a mouse as pets. They are small, cute & low maintenance & easy to care for. I feed them food & they love me & I am at peace & happy in tranquility. A lot easier than dealing with a guy with NPD causing my brain to self destruct. There's a part of me that still misses his lovely side but if he's going to make me feel like I'm developing BPD or suicidal ideation.... I can objectively say it's not going to work.
This video is simply gold! And it's so well explained, I watched it for 2 days over and over again. These videos are addictive. I never found somewhere else on you tube something explained so well. You also have the gift of explaining so everybody can understand. This channel finally answers to all my questions and became my favorite channel and the only one I watch on psychology subject. THANK YOU VERY MUCH PROFESSOR VAKNIN!
Common in society to concentrate on mothers part and very little on the father’s part of responsibility. It would be nice to hear more advise on ”dead fathers” and the impact fathers have on their children.
Especially considering that most narcissists and psychopaths are men.
It’s the same thing....attachment to primary care givers.
Therapy does over focus on moms, will give you that OR Doc could address if interchangeable.
Thank you!
@@VIDS2013 I'm talking about psychopaths and narcissists, a condition much more common in men than it is in women. Borderlines have empathy unlike psychopaths and narcissists and have better chances to get better. Psychopaths and narcissists don't think there is anything wrong with them... So there is difference.
I completely understand your point and I, too, am curious about the true effect of fathers on children. But I do understand the reason that the focus is typically so much on mothers is because up until today, the primary care taker is most often the mother. Rarely, if ever, is the father the one at home taking care of a new born to enfant to toddler etc, even if he is married to mom. As a result of that, the mother is the very first person the baby will know and the person to shape the child's mental state.
@@DonTwanX I think you have a very out grown view on how parenting works, even how family works in general. Thats not how it worked back in the old days and it’s definitely not how things work today in modern world.
Through out the history we can clearly see that the roles of parents have been interchangeable, meaning that depending on situation and society, both parents would simultaneously or singly ”provide” for the family.
and research clearly shows that families that have been able to adapt to changes and take on different roles have been most succesful.
However, I am sorry to hear about your experience with your mother. Parents should be our comfort and security but sadly sometimes they’re not, due to their own trauma
Well it seems listening to these comments that the mother more influence to the sun and the father more influence to the daughter as far as relationships goes
I'm so glad I didn't catch this when it was released, I would have been depressed for weeks. Much more ready to listen now. To think that our society or majority of our society, is invested in the inanimate as we are invested in a dead caregiver, a caregiver that never was. It means us, our mothers, our children, are all victims of the same neglect, the same internalised, hurt. Mother was never there. Where is mother? Is she in that house. In that job. In that other person? No, she's dead. But we can't accept that she's dead. She can't be dead. She never 'died', she's just, dead. So we keep her mummified, in our things, in our homes, in our 'stuff', people become possessions too, to be left in a corner, picked up again when we feel like it, to be non-intrusive, non demanding, to be there to serve us.
Your comment touched me. Deeply for some reason. The picking up and discarding, being left in a corner until I could serve a purpose again... Yes. And this was a friendship, not a romantic relationship. I had to put a stop to it. My heart goes out to yours.
I've often observed that I was brought up as boy not a girl.
Now this makes it clear ... My Father was my Mother. (My mother was another child in the house ... For me ... Not my siblings)
And my Father was not a totally dead mother, but a half dead mother
This is me and my mother. She was never there physically, emotionally. Never there. Never showed any love or affection. She also mentally, psychologically,, physically and emotionally abused me as a child.
Same here but I'm not a dead mother I had a loving father so I don't get what he's saying. I don't believe I am a narc or my brothers but my sisters are.
sending u love and healing...she did the best she could...
same
@@evka24 She did the best she could? She inflicted pain and abuse ffs. Get real.
@@crisy9052 it means if she knew better she would behave better like all of us.
Dear Prof, I listen to your analyses many times over, and I always discover something new and profound in them. In this video, your analysis of insecure attachment styles of Cluster B personalities continues to enlighten me every time, in ways that were previously eluding me. I encourage followers to revisit your playlists at different points in time, to benefit from them afresh. I work with clients who present with complex, overlapping personality disorders and trauma, and I feel as though you are my virtual mentor, sitting on my shoulder, during and after sessions, and beyond. Your unique work is playing a very important part in my therapeutic and psychological development. Thank you so much.
Unbelievable. I am blown away. Very sad
I refuse to be made a dead mother
Afuckingmen
How do we avoid becoming dead mother? I swear, every man I have been with, demands I play the mom role. WTF are we supposed to do?
The Dead Mother Complex…..if you have a dead mother, you become a corpse. For these people to love you, they have to kill you off, negate you, deny your speech to control you to avoid their pain, because they are afraid to think (about the schemata of their emotions). So, they remove the access between themselves from consciousness.
Wowww. This explains a Lot about narcissism. This discussion is Profound. Thank You for sharing your knowledge.
So scary. And my husband has said twice, that he imagines me being mute, not able to talk. Scary
I felt this way about my abusive father. I loved an abusive man. I fantasized and changed the narrative to make him larger than life.
Sam Vaknin, YOU are the MAN. Very well presented and explicitly explained in great detail of higher English. I am displaying many of the behaviours mentioned of these styles. Raised by (Dead) mother narcissist, whom physically abused me. Being the scapegoat and truth teller. Also, (Dead) Father (functioning Alcoholic) in the means of skillful work occupation. I, in very early childhood was pushed out of safety base and ventured across busy main traffic roads to seek attachment with other kind adults of which I met in mums routine café. I have low self esteem little self worth and accept the continuation of physical abuse from partners even though I know full well that I don't deserve the punishment of such. Regrettably I wanted to be loved so badly that I became a mum at 18yrs and the attachment dysfunction has generated to the next generation. I have failed my children and I continue with the extreme independence and fear of attachment style. I exhibit traits of most mentioned and write this with hopes that schools education will conduct a subject of these Matters that's informative to the growing increase of Mental instabilities and educate the upcoming adolescents with YOUR' teachings Sam. I am newly learning of these mood disorders yet lived dealing with them all of my 47yrs. I am BPD or complex PTSD I struggle to define. Thank you so very much for your help and immense knowledge and understanding of the widely misunderstood. Sam Vaknin, You are The MAN.
Wow! This video clarified so much about the impact of the dead mother. 👏🏻
So brilliant Dr Vaknin- Thank you for sharing your cutting edge work . PS Your humor is charming ❤️
I have apprehensive knowledge & it’s frustrating that I can’t put words to it perhaps that is from C-PTSD - It feels like my ability to comprehensively put it in words “FREEZES” Therefore it is apprehensive knowledge that wants to be expressed but I fail in trying to verbalize it. I can play piano and do music to attempt to express it. Frustrating as I never was at a loss for words or expression when I was young & in denial - denial was bliss but set me up for shock in later life .And yes Elizabeth Kubler-Ross stages of grief is exactly what I am going through now . Finally getting into acceptance stage thank you for your expertise and contributions to the field . Much appreciated.🙏
Thank you so much for this video where you added Flat Attachment . This has helped answer some core questions of my 5 years of bewilderment with my BF (which he now degraded us to friends status). This answers reversed intimacy. I’ve probably have watched almost all your videos over the last 3 years or so. This is one of your best. So much deep information that I’ve had to listen to it many times. So much of this describes my relationship with him more precisely. You have helped me tremendously! Thank you!❤️
This is incredible. Thank you for your significant contributions Professor. I believe that I am Borderline and I am attached to a Narcissit. Anyone else relate?
Yes I can definitely relate although I think of us as cluster b and variable in our expression of all that encompasses.
23 years
I’ve never heard anyone say the narc devalues and idealizes themselves as they do with their partners. That gives perfect reason as to why they discard, as they devalue you they discard you because they are devaluing themselves at the same time
I think maybe based on how far gone they are you can/cannot bring out their awareness of the "dead mother". I was able to notice how distant, emotionless, not motherly, his mother is the very first time I laid eyes on her. And nothing about that has changed still to this very day. When I bring that up to him, he completely ignores me with complete silence. If I press on it, he gets defensive of her or mad at me. If I get relentless and keep pressing on it, he then stands there or even tries to turn his back to me, his head down with what seems like a shameful look on his face in total silence. He even looks as if he wishes to become totally invisible in that moment. I always thought in those moments that was him recognizing that his mother was never the great mom he always fools himself into believing, but rather she was a "dead mother". Then I can't help but feeling sad for him in that moment. Before this video I never knew what to make of that.
Thank you very much Prof Sam Vaknin for this. You have helped me understand this topic very well.
Vaknin.
Doctor I been watching your videos for a longtime. I really wish you could be my psychologist and just talk with me. I’m not looking for any treatment bc I fully aware that my sick mind will never change since I was 6, but I still wish I could just talk to you..a lot of the points u mentioned really straik my soul. I never expected anyone could explain the things that I have experienced so accurate and so...logical. I never really went to any therapy except the sessions when I was involuntarily brought to the institutions twice..I don’t think most psychologists or psychiatrist could ever understand my mindset. They won’t care about either
He does offer therapy you just need to contact him.
You are a genius.
Every new video gives answers to questions I have after the end of my relationship, thank you.
I had been thinking why my ex-lover (c-ptsd/cluster b/narcissist) brought up the fact that his mother has undercooled emotions (doesn't show affection) and she must be traumatized herself, so I asked why do you think so, but he didn't answer anymore and said, no I don't want to talk about it anymore, it makes me sad and two days after I went no-contact (he had switched me for someone else, but I was in denial, thought it was coercion from his parents that he did that, but now I know it was and will be always narcissism).
He adored his (dead) mother from what I saw, but he sometimes got angry at her too for being an anxious person and found her distant in emotions. He was always afraid of his dad, like the rest of the family (I think an undiagnosed narcissist who abused him, his elder sister and their mother physically, mentally, emotionally, but not the younger siblings, though he was strict).
His mother must have/had major depression and c-ptsd when he and his siblings were children. I see more mental health issues in the whole family: his elder sister has been cut off from the family for whom she ran off with at 21 years of age being already married (so she brought disgrace to the family); now she's a co-dependent married to a narcissist.
I could never figure out why he had so many sexually tinted encounters with elder children and adults of both sexes, but with help of your video I recognize it now as promiscuity. He even told me how he wanted to kiss a teacher of him (erotically) at the age of 7/8 and that she had said you shouldn't kiss an adult like this, you're a child.
I have seen how he misinterpreted women's behaviour when they were nice to him: he thought they were romantically interested; I never paid interest back then, thought it was funny, now I know it's no joke.
What I saw during my 6 year affair with him is that gradually he was taking more and more care of his parents (still with angst towards his father), so he was parentifying now? He also started doing everything he could to please his parents whom he at the same time loathed, especially his dad: he tried to kill him as a child and then he said when he broke up with me, that he will do anything for his parents, especially his mother, even sacrifice me (he wanted to stay friends, but I disagreed with that). My therapist told me that he recognised projective identification in things he (my ex) did when he was younger, but after the breakup I told my therapist I felt that I was used too for projective identification, as I felt that I had been like his mother for him at some point, unreachable and in the end he wanted me away, angry at me, and honestly dead is how I felt when he put me outside as garbage... I didn't know about your work then, it's what I felt, and you describe it exactly that way: I'm really flabbergasted, you really hit the bull's eye there! My therapist mentioned attachment disorder as well when we were talking about me and my ex... I recognise so much, I'm very grateful for your work, it's helping me in healing, and that's why I share my story... I will definitely use your work to spread these insights to people who are struggling with bringing up their children. I see so many lost cases as a GP... It's so sad that people who shouldn't have children make babies, but can't care for them. I'm now after my breakup with the narcissist thinking to have a child at 38! and people have already children when they're 18 or 19... Child themselves usually.
I work as a GP in jails too: so much good is lost in childhood when I read their history.
Sometimes I wish some people could be prohibited for having children, but that's a whole other ethical issue, and I don't see it happening anytime soon.
My ex narcs mother went into a coma after his birth and died. All of this is insightful in understanding all romantic relationships involved a process of becoming the dead mother.
Circle of security is such an awesome class. This is great!
This describes why the malignant narcissist I finally divorced would constantly threaten my life, physically and verbally abusive, the glares of disdain, telling me there aren’t enough words to tell me how much he hates me.
It’s as if he turned me into his, mother, then dead mother .
At other times he played the tyrannical father to me. .
Never the husband, partner role
Thank you, another piece in the jigsaw. I said to him several times that he could only love me when he had pushed me away and I was gone. So painful and confusing.
Eliza, you hit the "nail on the head" for me when you state: "He could only love me when he had pushed me away and I was gone. So painful and confusing" This has been my experience as well. But once I "got his #" and bag of mind manipulations, I was OUTTA there, even though I was going through year-long treatment for cancer. I didn't need to deal with TWO MALIGNANCIES!!!
@@PATRICIAMBAKER that's awful you had to deal with cancer AND a toxic person 😔 Glad you got away. I found it very hard to turn my back on my ex, but i did it eventually and Covid has helped with staying no contact!
@@mamacitasalsera while his behavior was SHOCKING, it actually gave me inner fortitude to walk away from him, as I saw he was incapable to "stand by my side & be there for me" at my most VULNERABLE time in life....and during a Pandemic, to boot 👢 So I gave HIM THE BOOT outta my life, because I can never UNKNOW he abandoned me "in sickness and in health". And the irony is the 11 months prior to my diagnosis, is that I helped HIM cure TWO CHRONIC diseases he had been dealing with for DECADES.
So that was ENOUGH evidence for ME he was incapable of being a supportive partner.
I am sending the VERRRRRRRY Best wishes to you for complete HEALING 💚💙💚
@@PATRICIAMBAKER yes they can't deal with their partner being sick, or having any expectations of them at all! Thank you Patricia and all the best to you too xx💚💚
Stay in good health girls! The world needs you!!❤️❤️❤️xxx
My psychopathic ex tried to kill me psychologically. He wanted me silent and uncomplaining during the day, and still and unresponsive during sex. He would have been happier with a sex doll.
A narcissist looks for someone weak enough to be killable. Then they set about remaking her or him.
Dr. Vaknin, after listening your videos I feel like I had a rebirth. I don’t have enough words to explain how much you have helped me to unfold my understanding my situation of life. I want to grow more with the knowledge you provide. Is there any way I can take your classes?
Thank you Sam 🎉
Honoroble profesor thank you!
Sam could you discuss adoption and narcissism?
Will do.
Adoption and borderline personality would be interesting, too.
Death - both literal and metaphorical - was present in all my relationships. Suicide attempts, AIDS, violence - my first boyfriend was a Count because his father had died when he was 2. His father and 8 uncles and aunts were buried in the crypt of his castle. They had all died before the age of 35 (because inbreeding?).
And yes, I was obsessed with Dracula as a kid, but I'm not even kidding. This first boyfriend existed. I had an abortion at 17 and he spent the next 2 years whining I'd 'killed our baby'. I thought he would end up killing me, covertly. I still can't believe I made it out alive and now know people who are not carrying morbidity like breath.
I sometimes wonder if the fact I am autistic and ADHD saved me from becoming a narcissist like my mother.
I don’t know if my mother fits into the narcissist model. She was very distant emotionally, but work hard to take care of us, had many children and a difficult husband. Then as a teenager I noticed she gets jealous of the clothes I buy for myself when I start to work. I hide it from her. She was not mean to me but distant. Now I take care of her, she is 86, and I realized how self centered she is, everything that I tell her about me, she doesn’t show much interest she tops up with her own experiences, like all her experiences in life are more interested, is all about her all the time! She complains a lot about her mother not being envolve much in her care as a child, and she brags that she was a great mother bc she stayed home and took care of us (yeh physically not emotionally). Never remember one hug from her, but she said she kissed me a lot when I was a baby...then next! Another one in the way!!! Most of time I hide how much I resent her, just to avoid drama! She is more easy going now but very self absorbed! 😌
@Janete Win Describes my mother to a T. Total self-obsession, lack of interest in others except in her obsessive control of her three daughters and 'flying monkies,' got shot of my dad pretty quickly, thereafter living on 'the kindness of strangers,' as Tennessee Williams has it, completely flirtatious and jealous of any chaps picking me and sisters up for film nights, etc (we all quickly met boys elsewhere). Defo narcissistic personality. disorder. Did I miss anything? Ahhh, no physical contact ever can I remember. Ever. Except the hairbrush, or whatever came to hand sessions. Fought back, physically (v. cringeworthy, but necessary) at circa 14 when I was bigger than she - and my sisters squealed and shrieked, defending her! She 'disowned' me when I got a place at the university. Wot the hell!! I took up the place.
The lies, the drama, the (begging your pardon) f-wittery of it all). My middle sister and I left young and live far, far away unto this day.
A couple of years ago, one of my aunties, my cousin, and her baby, aged one, visited and my mother had a two- year-old type tantrum as per (zero impulse control) and slugged my sister - who was holding the baby - so hard that she lost a tooth. Barking.
Any case, we (my middle sister, my husband, and my two sons) think younger sister has been turned -- same level of control, inconsistency, self-obsession, etc. Sorry, shall stop now. Professor Vaknin's lectures here are so v. valuable - and cathartic.
Alas, I shd add that, although I moved from home at 16 years old, I didn't actually, completely separate (required visits 'home,' etc) till I was 52 1/2. Harrowing times.
A lucky thing for me was living till I was 13 when she died with my paternal great-grandmother, a clever and v stable woman who took me everywhere as her first gt. grandchild, mostly to her C of E church and visiting the 'girls' she'd known all her life and my dad. She, I think, was an antidote to my mum being hugely affectionate) plus keeping 'Lady Elaine' as my mum dubbed herself, and had all and sundry call her, in check. You couldn't make it up.
Sorry: all about me. It is, though one does it seldom, a relief to talk about occasionally.
You are an awfully decent and kind person to care for your mum. With best wishes, L
Thanks professor🙏🙏🙏
My husband is from iraq. He went back to his country yesterday to see his mother. He was very distant and violent with me. I hope he finds his mother alive.
The unthought-known to me feels like it can be explained in energetic terms in that every tbought is vibration which has a frequency. The trauma creates a frequency that gets lodged in the body over and over again in many cases. Its too traumatic to go into but its always there. How do you put words on ftequency ? I do wonder what energy healing techniques would do to help ...EFT comes to mind. Thanks Sam .... You have put words on and given me the language to to speak to others on this fascinating topic. Im in recovery at the moment from a very traumatic relationship and you have helped me so much to realise what l experienced. Thank you ❤
Very intresting helpful information
What confused me is If the Narc is trying to make you a dead mother , then isnt Grey Rock feeding into that? Aside from ny question , this was super educational intresting helpful . Thank You
Dr. Vaknin, can you please comment on the outlook for a child with a dead mother who has another parental figure in their life with whom they have a close connection with and who serves as a safe base, albeit only part time as the child is only with this person 50% of the time? This other figure entered the child’s life at age 4. Thank you very much for this insightful video!
The prognosis is much better. Grandparents often fulfill this surrogate safe base function.
Thank you very much for your reply!
I can see how it can be problematic to be attached to material objects. But I also think there is truth to expressions like "sexy cars" and "sexy clothes" etc. That's second-order sexuality, and biological sexuality is the first order kind.
Mine was dead inside and out.I never want to be that way.
I would like to learn more about the non-existence/conditional existence you speak about in the last minute of this video. Do you have other videos that address this, or can you recommend other resources? Does it have a name or can you suggest keywords that could help me search for more about this? I haven’t heard it described this way before. Thank you.
My Mama egnorded me and didn't bond with me.She was mean toward me and rejected me continually. She was mean to me. It's all fascinating to me. I'm learning all about me.❤
That explains why my name in his phone is Hot Chilly wife Moma he's so childish and like a young child i give him supply to much of it like his mother that he hates 😓
Dear Prof. Vaknin, if NPD's introjects are mute (28:30) how then do they put down the NPD? Does it happen "non verbally"? Thank you again for your wisdom.
GOD loves the narcissists, He just has to be richer... Thank You!!!
When my ex wanted a divorce and I left I wanted my children with me. He took care and control of the children because I was a stay at home mom at the time and the court felt he was in a better economic position to care for them. My last son was 8 months old, his elder brother was 3 years. I had to leave and was in a mess because I didn't want.any.of this. Nevertheless, I got visitation for the weekends but I could see especially in my youngest that he is cold and detached. He hugs me, plays, talks to me but he is distant. He doesn't talk much but when he does his sense of humor.is very cold and sadistic even, he is now 6. How can i.help him and even my elder son who is always.looking for attention, always helping, thinks he knows everything but feels very ashamed if corrected and cries. I'm trying my best but I'm not seeing any changes.
How scary. I dont want to lose custody. Im a stay at home mom.
This may be a stupid question, but what determines the type of insecure attachment style of a person with BPD, if they tend to transition between idealisation/devaluation of partners through self-states that can lead to secondary psychopathic behaviour as you call it, then might they display a more dismissive or even fearful-avoidant style during devaluation and anxious-preoccupation style during idealisation, in conjunction with the transient positivity/negativity of their sociability & self-esteem?
Watch my vid on insecure attachment styles.
Hello! I am a little confused, because I have heard academics stating that psychopaths are born so, then others such as yourself stating that psychpaths can be the result of complex trauma. Are there different types of psychopaths? Could you please recommend some works, or speak about this subject in your further videos? I am a techer, and I have met all kinds of peculiar behavior, children who see us as substitutes or extentions of their mothers. This very video describes some of them very well, their parents too, so thank you very much for offering us valuable information. Best wishes!
Watch the videos about secondary psychopaths. Psychopathy runs in families and has components of heredity and brain abnormalities. But to state that psychopaths are born psychopaths is shameful ignorance, typical of many self-styled “experts” online, many of them with untraceable, self-imputed academic “degrees”.
@@samvaknin Thank you very much!
I'm no expert at all but I do remember mistakenly calling my teacher "mommy" one time🥴😬😄 I was around 6 or 7. I know alot of kids who did that, I don't think any of us grew up to be psychos, lol.
Ok now I understand the glass creepy pic frame of the dead mom.
The child who think that I"m not good enough for my mom , create a false self , which is perfect and deserves a perfect mother , and what a perfect mother can able to do ; can able to die for her kid .
What does it mean "flat attachment"? 🤔
It means when a loving relationship ends or what you perceive to be loving relationship As normal people would grieve the end (ex reflect feel the hurt of the end (th e emotional ending) Flat people dont feel any of that they just get right back on the horse as nothing ever happened.
Sincere question: If attachment styles are immutable, how come they can improve with the appropriate type of therapy?
They are not “improved” or changed. The behaviors attendant on the attachment style are modified.
My son is going through this and obviously I was the cause of it. Is there something that can be done to reverse? It is what I'd like to know
Don’t blame yourself. With such concern from you it’s likely not your fault and you aren’t qualified to make a diagnosis.
Is it possible for you to do a video on overt narcissists only I’m not sure if you have in the past and I am on my iPhone so I can’t use the search engine properly please let me know thank you
of course you can search the channel from your phone. This is the lamest, laziest excuse I have heard in a long time.
Sam Vaknin I swear it doesn’t give me the option I have tried many times!!! don’t be mean :(
Sam Vaknin I love all your videos though they help me immensely so thank you!!! And maybe I needed that comment about being lazy to motivate myself ✨💞 🙌🏻
Rude again Sam. It’s possible to just ignore things you dislike.
Not all are indicative of this explanation. Abuse doesn't define a child or adult, as if it wad their crime. It infuriates me when people say that the abused become abusers. This is too generalise4d and is not an exact Science. It does not take into account those children who arre extremely perceptive in the world and who totally disasosiate themselves from their abusers.
This field of mental evaluation based on childhood experiences of abuses from adults, is a dangerous unforgiveable science, because it professes to know a person and then labels them, purely based on hypothecy. A person is much more complex and individualised.
What good is thesr hypothecies, when the world does not recognise them or even consider them in any legal standing. Stalking is a crime, and you could be jailed. Yet, it is a vulnerable attachment and reaction to dissasociate attachment. Many people are in jail because society doesn't recognise those with MH or dissioders. So what is the point? Many in this chat are eager to label their spouses and play the moral high ground. It just gives those who complain an excuse in avoidance tactics. The world has turned so nasty and the authorities and the public use these labels too flippantly and label and write off people who they want to get rid of.
Why should the abused get labeled when they are surrounded by a wicked world and have full rights to be cautious. They are not scapegoats for the world's sins ffs.
Most psycologists and psyciatrists are very messed up people and label people after a 1 hour assrssment. Now that is what I call Narcissism.
Hello, i live with a textbook bod partner, byť i experience on myself some behavior paterns od an npd, i know this od nôt rcommended, but i recognised on my self All prerequesites ov avpd.now my question: Can avpd be diagnosed AS a subtipe of nvpd?
Sorry my text corrector meessed Up, my partner IS bpd and im most probably avpd, this IS not cliniclaly proved, only fór information
Dr Vaknin, what is the reason narcissists have children? To re enact abuse they experienced in childhood as a form of, I don’t know, revenge?
samvak.tripod.com/faq22.html
Sam Vaknin thank you
Is it possible to be partly as you describe? Are there different grades of narcissism, of being insecure attached, etc.? I understand you give 100% models, but we are not 100% this or that, are we?
samvak.tripod,com/1.html
can you answer if a narcissist is able to "attach", fall for, another narcissist...
What I can do for you is tell you to do your homework and search this channel before you waste my time.
No need to be rude Sam. You might simple ignore the question.
Hello SAM !i used to be anxious attachment or fearful not sure .after2 narcissists i started to read about narcissism have a good partner made time to get used to good treatment and now i am 44%secure attachment but my secondary attachment style is avoidant now. I just know that if i am emotionally vonurable 100% ,i might get hurt.(its also because previews experiences with narcissists.)can i cure avoidant attachment style?or this will stay forever cause i don't want to get hurt like that ever again ?
In about 20% of the cases, attachment styles are transformed with age and experience.
@@samvaknin yes i've definately had diffrent experience(meaning a loving partner after a narcissist)
what i'm saying is i feel like i've lost ability to truly love .because that requires me to be 100% open and vulnerable and i don't think i'm gonna do that ever again. will this change overtime if i'll be with loving partner and continue self-work? or is it over for me?i feel like i gave my all to narcissists.(btw i'm completely aware of my attachment style and i don't withdrawal i welcome love .at first it felt unfamiliar but i got comfortable once i was with a loving partner.at first i didn't believe ihs intentions were honest but i know now and i feel it is.also i do not torture him i give love and care and i've asked him and he says he feels loved by me.)
will this feeling that i'm not 100% in go away?
There is a good chance that you will make full recovery.
Is this a video you could show someone who is possibly unaware of the depth there disconnection is as a intimate partner? Or will they see it as absurd?
@Juliette M thx yes I understand.
I had thought possibly if it was done with love, but if the disconnect is so extreme & love is not a reality for them to accept, it wouldn't serve either person. I can't be sure my love is even excepted 😕 @ times it is express as very doubted by him.
This title caught my attention because my bpd mom committed suicide
You're the first person who I have seen say this. My mom commited suicide 5 or 6 years ago. I believe she was borderline. I don't know what I would like to say. I'm just floored to see someone who posted a comment as though they were me. The experience of a bpd mom who commits suicide is so isolating. Hugs to you. Thank you for sharing. I knew I wasn't alone but it feels that way.
@@angelamary91 it's both harrowing and comforting to know that someone else really gets it.
@Consciously Aware thank you. Yes I have been in therapy for 2 years. She's been gone for 3.
bible genesis 24:67 is this situation same as what you tell about the dead mother ?
He doesn't have to convert some as they are "dead" in themselves already
Wow...
permanence? only to be managed?
Should this video be shared with a narcissist as he has spoken about needing therapy?
Can this still happen with a mother who is not dead?
Not good enough. Dead is the extreme end of the spectrum.
I've woken up out of my narcissistic partner having made me his dead mother... Do I have to be concerned he will also be driven to "kill" our son?
Play nice and leave if u feel that way!
@@tansyveejones6749 thank you. Yes I have left but still must share custody so just schooling myself the best I can with understanding this personality type and it's repercussions.🙏🙏
@@cassandraspeaksupIf that's how you feel then why not try to win full custody???
I feel like I'm the one pursuing died mother with the guys I dated and they're also doing the same too me with their died mother
dead mother "syndrom:"))))))))))))))) lovely :D she is me. here i am.. what should i do ? finding a way out
Are children of narcissistic and borderline parents doomed to being ineffectual parents themselves if they haven't experienced healthy attachment?
Somewhat. It's so much work to be a good mother. But each day I try. I fail often, but I'll never stop trying. She tells me I am the best mom ever. She only knows me, I only knew a bpd mother who commited suicide. I'd say self awareness is key. Knowing and WANTING to be a better mother means I'm not the worst....that's my findings.
Not necessarily. But they will likely pass the attachment style to their children.
@@angelamary91 thank you for sharing your experience. I have adopted children who are all suffering the effects of attachment disruption and I have attachment issues myself. It's ironic to think that because we were raised to believe that we're not good enough, we actually never will be good enough, and we'll pass that curse on to the next generation.
Hello Sam, I have been with the narc for 20 years and he is 25 years older than I I always known his mother had something to do with this even though he has always said his mother was a good woman. He sometimes when we would fight would just start slapping himself or one time took the iron and banged his head and started bleeding I was in shock and just stopped the argument to comfort him and give in I did not know what was happening I was frightened and concerned. Sometime after I asked him when he started to do it to my daughter why he said his mother would do this. He also said he can forget about anyone even close relations like kids me or anyone he is attached to I have seen it. Most of our relationship has been with put-downs or silence and denial of and sexual interest. He can only talk about the surface thing with me he does not know me and denies any humanity. I am done this time and he is stone cold and silent and just stays in the room all day I feel like maybe in danger. I feel he is plotting. He told me he hopes I do not argue with God when I meet him. I said I hope I do not meet him any time soon. He blames me for not getting love from his kids and feels like he has to save face somehow. Says I am the worst thing that has happened to him and he hates me. Really I am very very loving and patient and have stayed 20 years hoping the more I loved the better it will get but the worse it gets. So now I have to be protective of myself and he thinks I will give in and stated he has to be in purgatory until I give in. Then he says I am a masochist and II love this. I really do not I have been in pain and isolation for years . I do not understand. Please help
Get out. I'm sure you have little support because of his isolating you. Call domestic violence shelters. Tell them of his threats. Gather your important paperwork. Pack a bag without him knowing. Get in your car and go. Sending you strength.
I know it's hard. You are a beautiful soul worthy of love. Leave. There are programs. I know no one wants to live in a shelter. But it looks like heaven compared to an early grave at the hands of a man you loved.
This was posted 7 months ago so I sure hope that you are in a much safer place. Just as an fyi to anyone else going through something like that (from someone who unfortunatly went through it):
Don't ever let him "smell" your fear because your fear is his control over you and that's his driving force. He's not a man at all, remember that. So protecting you and your child is not in his vocabulary nor on his radar and never will be. Make him feel comfortable as you slide on out of there for good.
He'll be back trying to win you over claiming he's a changed man, crying crocodile tears and/or try and "bargain" with you if he changes would you go back, and so on.
Don't go. Stay firm. Let him get help for himself and figure it out on his own, literally like "a big boy".
If he's gonna be so low as to make his wife his dead mother, then the choice is 100% yours as to what kind of "mother" you'll be for him. Lol. The only thing that will force him to become something similar to a grown man is if you are not in his life at all and for the love of God never let him near your child unsupervised.
why does a single mother(narcistic) dont take care off her 5 years old child. Her grandparents are taking care off her dsughter.
I have a dead father (doesn't talk in same house,bullied me)and half dead mother.She abused me in every way.I am wounded severely depressed.I don't know why sometimes i feel i have not much attachment with my lover but it may not be true i am not sure
How do we women avoid becoming the dead mother?
I believe avoidant people only get anxious when they feel people avoid them too much and anxious people become negligent of the relationship because the pain of not knowing
where the relationship stands help allow themselves to be selfish and neglectful or they just find someone else who is ignoring them as well.
I wonder if it all starts off as untreated ADHD! Given the differences in the frontal lobes of both in comparison to those without the two conditions. Often ADHD if left untreated can produce co morbid Oppositional disorder, eventually becoming Conduct disorder. Impulsivity and an inabilty to regulate emotions, also the difficulties in internalising consequences are similar characteristics.Now throw a dead parent into the mix and years of negative interpersonal relationships and you have the perfect recipe for a cluster B personality disorder. My ex is borderline/ narcissistic, displayed symptoms of ADHD and he had suffered abuse from his primary care giver too. Maybe the same medication might help. I have ADHD and know too well the challenges, however I do not have borderline, but have been prone to rejection sensitivity. My perceived abandonment at my younger sibling being born was very real. ADHD children are hard work for most parents with a new baby, let alone those suffering with post natal depression. The ADHD child will often be punished for being too demanding once another child is born. Even if there are no other siblings, they can be challenging for the most patient of people. I was diagnosed at 55, my life would have been very different if it had been earlier! Many people never get a diagnosis, it's a serious condition if it isn't spotted.
Have you read scattered by Gabor mate? @freebird Tracey?
@@marina.andreazi no I haven't! I certainly will now, thanks for your reply. I'll get myself a copy..
ADHD often stems from an underdeveloped airway. Child can't sleep well at night and becomes hyper active in daytime. Often palate expansion and orthodontics before the age of 8 can resolve the issue.
if a scholar is not getting pissed about someone refusing to do his research (aka looking up previous videos) before asking a question, is he really a scholar? :)
Weeeeee!
Very disappointing video. Usually you are more insightful. This is a very limited and sexist view, blaming everything on the mother. Try to expand your thinking doc.
I feel that too but is it really surprising that after 1000s of years of traumatizing and devaluing women that we are numb? 😢
The "mother figure" is the first one to nuture the child you complete and utter ignoramus. Of course it's often the woman's fault Duh!
@janineschellenberg9272 Babies don't come out of men. Have some accountability please.