I'm a borderline & it's been over 4yrs no contact with my narcissistic ex. I left after going back & forth many times. I still think about him every day & look for his car occasionally. I know I can't ever make contact. This video has helped me to understand why the pull is still so strong even tho I don't actually even like him. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
I felt while reading your comment that I must have posted it because it’s 💯 how it is for me. I know I can’t ever have a conversation with this person again because, like a magnet, I lose myself. Listening to these videos has opened my eyes so much to my mental baggage and WHY I had virtually no control of the pull. Like he highjacked my mind. Let’s not forget, aside from the “attraction” because of the borderline/Narcissist dance. But the trauma bond that was created by the constant validation, idealization, and intense nature is so hard to break. It’s a soul tie (if you’re spiritual at all you should look into how to break it. It’s opened my eyes a to. As well.) but just like you- I wonder how I could think of that as love when I didn’t even like the dude. If I saw him on the street I wouldn’t even look back. So the confusion of that alone boggles my mind. And then to be so wrapped up mentally and physically… it’s a really helpless feeling. Uncontrollably all consuming. Every day I have to make a conscious effort to not go down that mental rabbit hole. I wish the best for you. Just know you’re not alone!
As a narcissist (grandiose cerebral), I don't pursue relationships. The ones that happened, all have been with Borderlines without exception. NPD & BPD can be a pretty interesting and fulfilling relationship. BPD wanted to hangout 24/7 and see all the boring grandiose shit I was working on for my own amusement, I was more than happy to have her company 24/7. Unfortunately, as adorably cute and as clingy as BPDs are, once triggered because of smallest of reasons, they all ended up cheating multiple times during the course relationship. Resulting in a vicious devaluation response. I generally don't have time or desire to take the same type of revenge. But its really disappointing. I guess to make it work both parties have accept and acknowledge and consciously stop their abusive behavior on some level. On part of narcissist don't criticize & devalue the borderline. Her cycle of moodiness is part of her charm. Love bomb her, give her space, tolerate and make time for her. On part of the borderline, just don't bring other men into the equation to ease your mood. I remember telling my BPD ex after 20 times of breakup, "you would be perfect if you existed on some other planet and did not have access to other men." To this day, I still prefer making work out with a Borderline. No other type of person have the patience to even be slightly entertained by the void reality of a cerebral narcissist. However like it or not narcissist are still people and in fact many of them contribute to the success and progress of humanity on daily bases. They are your Engineers and CEOs.
This. I exist and am loved/idolized in his fantasy, but when he starts trying to devalue or discard (looks for a new fantasy or if anyone else happens to catch his eye too poignantly.. I panic and have zero control over my reaction to that perceived betrayal. For me, there is only the fantasy of other people very rarely, but I absolute despise cheating on a moral level. He has absolutely zero problem using or manipulating someone else in a pinch.) because I start to run away or exist outside of the fantasy (he has a severe porn addiction, as well), things go south quickly. I become highly emotionally volatile, almost to the point of psychopathy, because I cannot deal with the flood of emotions regarding abandonment in any way. I see this. I think he sees it, too. And then we both end up hurt because I explode to the precipice of nearly mortifying him in an attempt to soothe my own emotions, and he nearly destroys me internally by trying to discard me to alleviate the emotions he is now having to experience because I will burn the fantasy to the ground if it is not to my liking or regarding anyone else. Basically, if he is going to be selfish, I can also be selfish. And then, at some point, we both hit equilibrium because we are both tired of hurting, decide to regroup and create a new shared fantasy to stop the pain and shame cycles, and a new love cycle begins again. It is heartbreaking and extremely painful, yet simultaneously the deepest bond either of us have ever experienced, which we both see is unhealthy but also need deeply. It's like a phoenix, consuming itself in flames and being reborn from the ashes, over and over because it is the only way we effectively deal with our existential crises regarding existance. We do communicate extremely effectively, however, and this works to smooth out the hurt feelings on both ends and, honestly, helps to keep those particular situations from happening again, at least, in the exact same manner. Each cycle is a different version of the dynamic we are trying to work through. And both of us have grown a lot because we are able to dissect ourselves raionally from the outside in these moments of clarity, which sounds impossible, but it is just how we function. We cannot separate due to family situation- neither of us would likely survive actually separating, which would be bad for our offspring, no matter how you slice it. We want so much more for them.. It's amazing when it's good and an absolute nightmare when it's bad. I think he volleys between psychopathy and narcissism as his natural state of being, however. I feel everything for him, allowing him (his real self) to coexist with reality in a way where he feels safe for once, and he helps to shield me from my own dysregulation by reigning in my emotional state, allowing me to mitigate the enormity of my perceived reality, which also makes me feel safe. Trying to walk that razor wire where we get what we need in the relationship and don't step on one another or send the other into orbit has basically become our mission. These videos have explained the dynamic in such an eye-opening manner, and it is extremely helpful to have it explained so thoroughly. I'm not saying it's exceptionally healthy. We both want the same thing, we just go about it in such opposite ways. We have actually acknowledged that we are the opposite side of one coin (our goals in life are the same but the way we go about getting there are extreme opposites, in almost every facet), which I found very interesting that Sam says this exact phrase in regards to this type of relationship. It makes sense, really.
Also, note that BOTH of our mothers lost their bio moms at a young age and were raised by grandiose narcissistic stepmothers. My mother was a covert narc who I have had to remove from my life. His mother has tendencies but is far more healthy than mine, but he developed a LOT of shame and was over-idolized and spoiled by his. My father was very quiet and tolerant, while his was very domineering and has a lot of anger issues (Which his father also developed from a very physically abusive relationship with his own father.)
I am undiagnosed but I fit heavily into BPD traits. My husband is undiagnosed and fits very well with the npd traits. The entire relationship has felt like me chasing his approval, trying to earn his love and respect but never being worthy of it to him. Trying so hard to be seen and heard but never doing things “right” enough for him to see or hear me. It has felt like I want a close connection and he just wanted me here, technically his wife and his wife in my day to day duties and for him to refer to or talk about to his friends and acquaintances as it suits him to relate to others, but he never wanted the closeness of a real and meaningful relationship. He often told me I needed to worry about myself and stop focusing so much on him. But it was usually when I had caught him lying to me or being somewhere that was not appropriate/ doing something hurtful to me and the relationship that he would blow up and say I was obsessed and psycho. It was so he could create the distance he wanted to live his life how he wanted and disregard me and my needs or feelings.
Thank you for your comment! I just saw and read it at perhaps the perfect timing. The shame from this guy I let back into my life is very believable. It’s way to easy for me to accept his belittlement as my identity. I keep going back n forth on whether it’s me being a crazy problem maker or him actually doing cruel narcissistic demoralization on me. It’s wrong, sick, and so trapping. I appreciate your comment. You reminded me of reality. The place I need to get back to because this fantasy is ruining my life.
@@fire4myChrist The issue is, I have forgotten who I really am. Lost all focus on hobbies, skills, and path I was working so much to build my ideal future from. When we go no contact, I feel devastated like I’m dying inside. I can’t seem to let go of him not seeing me as important to him. The fact that he devalues me to then discard me completely grabs all my focus to try to convince him that he’s destroying us. Then I desperately hold onto the him that’s already gone. I want to handle this easier and see the reality. It feels weak and embarrassing that he has so much power to control my life. I don’t know how to get back to who I was so I can grow more. Escape these patterns.. just can’t seem to resist him when he comes back.
I have bpd, I believe that my partner is a narcissist and this is our relationship in a nut shell. Blew my mind to have our push and pull summarized so well.
You’ve got Hercule Poirot vibes. Apart from that. I‘m the BPD in the BPD-NPD relationship. My NPD’s emotional well is empty. Mine‘s overflowing. I can flood him with no consequence. Sane people people would suffer and drown. So there‘s an outlet for my flood and he gets the supply he craves. It‘s sad really.
Your videos are insane Professor. Insanely sensical in every way. I’ve danced this dance as a borderline for the past 5 years - I have a daughter who’s 4 and I’ve given her the most tumultuous upbringing since pregnancy. I had her when I was 20yo, I’m grateful to be a mother. My child gives me the ultimate reason to push on and work hard on my issues, including the relationship I have with her father who is undiagnosed but definitely highly narcissistic. To pop this shared delusion we have recently has given me an emptiness I haven’t experienced in a long time. As a teen I was always in a relationship and never spent a month single. I’ve grown and changed for the worst and the better on this parenthood journey. I’m commenting this more so for myself than anyone else but I will work my damn hardest to gain some normalcy in my being. I am cut off from my emotional regulation system (her father) it feels as if I’ve lost a limb tbh as it clearly shows he does not care in the ways that I do. I’m grateful to just be my child’s mother and not his mother anymore as that task completely consumed the little identity I do have, although I’m almost yearning for it internally as fkd up as that sounds. These are just the beginning days but I know better so I must do better and that starts with me. I spent many years trying to teach, guide and show my narc the errors in both of our beings only to some avail. I understand a lot more about myself and the world through this relationship than any other teaching. I’ll dedicate my life to obtaining knowledge and true self empowerment. I know what it is like to be an addict and have addictions and I know this “love/relationship” has been my biggest one yet but I’m ready to challenge the shit out of it in order to change the narrative of my life. I feel as if I owe it to the future generations of my lineage to give it the best crack now while I’m still young and impressionable. For my daughter I will do whatever it takes to become a good role model and source of wisdom for her.
Brilliant, as always. However, my question is... The Boderline-NPD couple as parents and the impact on their children, grandchildren, etc. Your first video on this pairing almost made up for 33 years of validation, or a lack there of. You are the only person in the world that gets me, and I'm okay with that. You are a gift, sir.
Once again…. Brilliant! As a high functioning borderline.. I’ll do anything to regulate, anything! Other people absolutely regulate me.. its like being in love with your drug dealers. What is sick- is that I know this is happening but can not stop myself from seeking regulation..only to become an emotional unhinged secondary psychopath when I do not get what I psychologically need. Someone can make or break my day with a couple of words… It doesn’t matter how many times I am told I am loved, I always need to be reassured.. approach/avoidant.. I hate you, don’t leave me.. is my life. I literally do research as an undergraduate because my grandiosity has to be fed in one way or another. I’ll work nights and weekends- just to be one of the best. I am a senior in college- psychology/sociology major in the attempt to save my life. Oh! And my partner of 11 years is a narcissist.. our mating dance is war
How can you do it for so long? My story is similar to yours (bpd) but as much as I am addicted to the war dance with the narc, I eventually tire of them not being the perfect promise they painted. My anger at them and the whole situation becomes so overwhelming and rage consumes me. So I discard them. I always discard them, never the other way around. The dance doesn’t last long, 1 or 2 years. And although I do many “mini” discards (ones that aren’t permanent and in the back of my mind I am aware of this) throughout the duration of the relationship, once I do the final discard I never look back again. Never speak another word to them. I guess I am wondering how you have not been pushed to run away? I agree that they regulate our emotions when they’re serving that role, but they’re also able to completely scramble and destroy any sort of emotional regulation and push me to levels of fury I didn’t know were humanly possible. And it’s in those moments that I welcome my inner psychopath to come out and take the reins.
Wow, only 10 minutes in and already mind-blown. This so perfectly explains sooo much and makes it so much easier to understand certain people in my life. It's nice to have clarity. Thank you. 🤯🙏
Prof Vaknin casually sippin on a mega pint of blood his latest victim's blood. Seriously though, your videos and others like them helped me gain awareness and restored me to sanity. Eternally grateful.
I no longer have a false sense of self my eyes are wide open. Fantasy no more. I do hope I won’t become so pessimistic that I refuse to bond again. Thank you for this explanation.
Hey Professor, I’ve watched some of your videos and I have to say that you nail it (are spot on) with describing a narcissist. No one has even come close to my perceptions and understandings of the mind of a narc like you. These ppl are in such incredible amounts of pain it’s unbelievable almost inconceivable, it’s absolutely astonishing to watch what they do. Mind boggling the lengths they go to. It’s all consuming energy they use to keep alive the feeling of pain inside them. And by doing so they remain the puppet of the very person that caused them all the pain. Like a good obedient little boy/girl. Perhaps they so deeply seek the approval of the parent that this is the only way they know how? They like to think that they are in control but they really are the most out of control ppl. The strings of their manipulator are still at play working within themselves. They just cannot let it go - the pain they feel. (and this is why no one can get thru) and obliterate everything around them in the same manner that the pain is within themselves. They have no belief whatsoever that they deserve to be loved. A sincere to the core belief that they are worthless, meaningless and hopeless. It’s a truely sad state of affairs within a narcissist. The best video I saw you do was a lecture but I no longer can find it, I think that maybe it has to do with an arguement you had with another dude so you removed it perhaps. My question for you is, do you have a video on the psychological impacts of children raised by a ‘true’ narcissist? I say ‘true’ bc the word narcissist is thrown about so much these days.
Sam you are simply THE BEST!!!! Nobody explains it better than you! Love listenning to you. You become a part of my life and your videos are my daily routine. Everyday at least 1 therapy hour with Sam is an absolute must! Thank you so much for everything you say. You help me to understand me and my bpd so much better. You keep me sane😅 and your hair was never of any interest ! 😂😂 lots of love! J.
This really explains my relationship. It hurts so bad but we never can leave. We keep coming back together. i feel so broken over and over again but i can't stay away. We do hoover each other. My person said we are a like a chain . It's so painful.
Professor Vaknin, I am rarely left speechless. Rarely. But I an completely and utterly speechless at the moment. I've consumed an inordinate amount of watered-down and pseudo psychology over the past few years, and thought I knew everything there was to know about the Borderline/Narcissist diad. But this video has disrupted my entire notion of not just my relationships with Borderlines, but of my self as a narcissist. I've seen your videos in the past but never really took the time to properly consume one-- until now. And I'm looking forward to a nice binge session of your content. Thank you so much for the insight! Brendan
@@brendanoconnorphotography I am a woman with borderline personality disorder. I had a relationship with a narcissistic man. He chased me a lot when I left him and I always came back to him despite the destruction he caused me. Does the narcissistic man have feelings for the borderline woman? Can he love her? Does he feel that she is a different woman from the rest of his victims who do not have a personality disorder? Thank you very much
@@Shams_Hussam99 Sorry, I needed some time to think about the question. So to answer your questions: Yes a narcissistic man can love you. However, he is going to always want to leave you. Even when he loves you. It's just our nature. Unless he admits that he is a Narcissist and gets help then he will leave you over and over again. Not to cause you pain. But to keep himself from being in pain. Narcissistic men need space and new and exciting things. And you can't provide that. Nor should you. But yes he can love you. And he likely loves you more because you have Borderline. But until he gets help he will always hurt you in the end.
@@brendanoconnorphotography Thank you very much you gave me invaluable information thank you very much and borderline women also love and are attracted to a narcissistic man more than any other man because only a narcissistic man can kill our feelings and make us feel like we are not alive and this transformation is great for us but there is a video that says Professor Sam Vaknin The Border Woman Makes the Narcissistic Man Feel Alive by Pain? Is it true that a borderline woman is able to give life to a narcissist?
I an a classic borderline female. Narcissistic men are drawn to me in psychopathic way and I have even been raped twice back when I was in college. The second time was by an narcissistic ex who raped me the day I broke up with him.he forced me to stay with him and I did. In the moment it did not seem like rape because it’s your own boyfriend. But he discarded me about a year after that incident. Yes, he ended up breaking up with me. I chased after him endlessly only to be mocked, laughed at by him and his new gf. He eventually married and had children with her. Then he started stalking me. He follows my every move even to this day. I hate him more than anything in this world. But sincerely the guy just cannot get over me. Which feeds my ego, obviously. But also fills me with profound hatred. I say all the time I could just kill him. And maybe that’s exactly what he wants.
I have been dx with Bipolar but I think I have Borderline. My husband is a narcissist. We’ve separated many times over the past 32 years and we are together now. I was extremely disregulated during our separations so I will never leave again. I can’t even imagine going through that again. We are able to get our needs met by each other. I literally just have to tell him what to do and say because he has no emotional intelligence. He goes along with the program because he doesn’t like being without this relationship either.
Eloquently said, you inspire me and educate me thank you. You are most certainly a guru, the best explanation in regards to these subject. Love listening to you. Your hair cut looks fabulous 🙏
My husbands ex got 17 years of alimony he can’t afford. 9 years later she still emails him. 12 years later the judge gave her 70-% of his salary. He never told me he was emailing with her. She’s covert narc. He is BOD. he cheats lies and sneaks snd hid it Fe 1 yeas. Be what. ? I’m in my 60s. And I love your haircut and glasses. You saved my life 10 years ago. I think you’re awesome
You hair looks gorgeous!!!!! Whatever you said today made so much sense regarding my ex narcissist friend His intimate partner is borderline personality they together for over a year and half I was actually wondering how he is holding on to her for so long I was discarded by the narcissist in a crazy way But I felt I was discarded long before he actually discard me
Guten morgen Vaknin. I'll try to present you with a question of mine based on my experience, which is absolutely non-academic, but rather human. I have the impression that in the ideological clash between a narcissist and a borderline, the narcissist is actually at a disadvantage. Based on my experience, the narcissist manipulates, and in any case, the borderline waits for the narcissist to complete their manipulation. Because, again according to my experience, the narcissist manipulates while the borderline distorts. So the borderline waits for the narcissist to finish their manipulation, then takes the entire manipulation, distorts it, and resets the situation back to its original conditions. Do I speak no-sense? My best, dear Sam.
Whenever I watch your videos, I have a deep urning to have a one on one session with you. An insatiable need to clarify wether my criminal addict covert narc in fact is a narc ( and not a psychopath)… and also wether I’m a borderline.. I have been diagnosed with borderline and ocd and add , but I have some symptoms that I never knew wether they speak of borderline experience or may be it’s something else or comorbidity .. I’ve never heard these elements that I’ve been describing as dominant in me , described as main borderline traits.. but then the fact that I need an external authority figure to explain to me who I am - renders me borderline ? I don’t know.. in any event , fascinated by your videos . Dying to solve these riddles. Can I send a description of my disorders as I experience to any e mail adress perhaps? It’s in Hebrew. It would be such an honor for me to hear what you make of it🙏
I (BPD) had a 1 year permanent on/off relationship with a covert narc. Both we were unable to quit. When I left, he immediatly started hoovering, begging, chasing me to come back - and the other way around. It was so destructive. He discarded me 1,5 year ago when he found a new supply. I never got closure, instead I was blocked and completely ghosted. How was that possible? 6 month after beeing discarded and after I went no contact too, he unblocked me on social media. I unblocked him back but nothing else has happened since. Not sure if there will ever be a direct hoover from him or if that was all now. And as you see: the narc can leave and obviously will not stay trauma bonded. I thought he is trauma bonded too, but maybe I am wrong (or he still feels kind of addicted to me, but not that much that he has the desire to reach out).
He will contact you again since he unblocked you. He unblocked you for a reason and that is future hoovering when he discards the New supply. He is going to make an indirect implicit move. Not obvious hoovering. He will test the waters to see if you are still available for him. That's my experience from cerebral narcissists. They are afraid of direct rejection. The somatic doesn't really care because he is handsome and fit and has always a harem on the side
Sam, if the internal idealized image doesn’t match the external does this cause panic within the narcissist? For example, what happens when the borderline has a baby? Does the pregnancy cause a crisis within the narc since the internal and external are so extremely different?
What happens with the borderline finally can no longer take the pain and finally leaves the shared fantasy ? Can the hoovering from the narcissist be more dangerous due to the intensity of this dynamic?
Dear Sam 😉i must say you are soo intereseted with us😍…border and narc are like twins separeted from birth 😅we say like this in italy 😜but we are so mezmeraized with the power of a narc and a little bit jealous 😇
Can a borderline be cured? Does a narcissistic discard help? Can it be like rock bottom? I feel changed. It has been three years and my head is just starting to clear.
это самое точное описание меня пограничника и моего бывшего нарцисса,концовка о волосах в конце видео меня так рассмешило,что я на миг забыла о своём бывшем нарциссе)))
I've been accused of npd and was sent this video by a clinical therapist bc every single one of my relationships was with a bpd woman. Interesting, I feel exposed but she's wrong
Hi Sam. Forgive me for referencing your last video with this comment. In your last video you said the narcissist and "his" behaviors hinge on "his" mother. If the narcissist is a female, would their behavior still hinge on the mother or would it hinge on the father? Does the gender of the cluster B defer to a specific gender of the parent or is it typical that it defaults to the mother in any case? Thank you for your videos. Great content!!
Dear Professor, You say that the couple borderline/narcissist is impossible to break. But then you say “the narcissist devalues the borderline harshly and discards her cruelly”. It means it is possible to finally break this couple? Or the borderline will come back to the narcissist even after such a discard you are describing?
@@samvaknin Dear Professor, Thank you for the detailed video. Can hoovering be different from texts and phone calls? In other words can it be indirect? Or only direct contact is considered as hoovering?
@@samvaknin i watched the whole thing it sounds like you’re saying ultimately at some point the narcissist will definitely discard the borderline permanently to complete the ultimate goal of disassociation from his mother which will give him the greatest pleasure ? Is this a correct assessment ?
this is very sad.. extremely sad . i dont wana be this person anymore and whatever he told in the video is 100% right . plz can u help bpd ppl how they can move on and not keep attempting suicides
Is it in anyway possible that a narcissist and borderline can heal together and have a healthy relationship together? Please explain how.. cz I'm so in love with him and can't imagine being without him, while at the same time i'm aware that this relationship can be really destructive and dangerous sometimes
What would cause a narcissist/borderline couple to still not let go of each other even if the shared fantasy has dissipated and they are now constantly trying to hurt each other ?
RE;:Intro; OMG For those reasons, I'm sure I couldn't read the comments ... I would feel my own IQ lowering, meanwhile that's time you can't get back. RE: Books Attitude; My Soulmate! LOL I can't believe we weren't taught Narc & BPD were 2-sides of the same coin, a perfect interplay of yin/yang (fem/masculine representation), seems like common sense.
Dr. Vaknin…. What’s your take on a spouse who always mouth kisses me with wide open eyes 👀 . Checks in with several red flags ( entitled, seeks for admiration, gaslights, intolerance to constructive criticism etc, etc). Thanks.. greetings from Midwest US…
@ruben morales They like to stay in control position, so they are checking the effects what they caused and the emotional response of the other. From it they can understand if the supply is still bonded emotionally or not. If a person closes the eyes it means emotionally dedicated itself to the moment. If keeps open: want to observe the situation, the other and the emotions but doesn't want to be involved emotionally
Using the gel in your hair made you look years younger. No gel: old fart. Gel: young and hip. I wish you would expound on the gruesome intricacies of your hair so I don't have to pay so much attention to the intricacies of my covert narcissistic partner.
You are so accurate and it's as you say it. 😢 it is a nightmare and fantasy at the same time. I had emailed you before . I could do with your advice. @nazpars
I'm a borderline and I've been in three relationshits with a narc. We are easily triggered so we are excellent supply for them especially once they ascertain what our hot buttons are.
@@niccolea2086 I never even posted that. I dont think its funny. Someone must have hacked my account. Im a grown A&& women and I dont think mental illness is funny. However, I get annoyed by people telling others what to do with their lives. Grow up, get a life and stop cyber bullying folks , thinking you're protecting someone. Did it ever occur to you that folks get their accounts hacked! Go after the hackers!
It's called Marriage. The Two shall become one. 26.4 yrs for us . He is NPD She BPD. Love/Hate relationship. When his mask falls it is like looking into the eyes of the Devil and yet I will fight him tooth and nail then feel sorry and want to help nurture him to see the LIGHT. We are in separate quarters in silence the last 3weeks retreating for now until the next truce or battle . I cannot save him from himself.i cannot shake him awake. This may be the last battle. Spiritual warfare vs. Greek Tragedy🙏
I love love love your BPD/NPD videos explaining the dance that exists between us and so eloquently and so painfully true. I don't agree with every point you bring up in regards to the Borderline but over all I wish my ex would watch your videos but if he did he wouldn't be him! Also, your hair does look good but you already knew that 🤗
I am a borderline who is trying to understand what happened when I had a relationship with a narcissist. How I was drawn into another reality, hard for me to grasp. I had to leave him when it got to a point where I was physically hurt and in great danger. But I also perceived this love relationship was just as dangerous to my mind. I now understand what happened to us and Im very thankful for this explanation as Im trying to heal from the process of him discarting me.
Sincerely thank you for this video - makes things much clearer! You are right that we fall in love with ourselves and gain control over our functions with a narcissist. I was always confused as to why I feel so empty and meaningless without him. He was very encouraging of me and I had the confidence to do anything, as if I had him to fall back onto if I fail - mother, as you say :). Now I am single as I did run away from being demolished! (To me the worst part was his projection/blame shifting and forcing me into trusting him over the truth of who I knew I was. I would find that often he would try to force the dynamic he had with his birth mother onto me - who he blamed/criticized always and tried to punish. Why does he force this conflict and what is the outcome he hopes to get from this? The mother - in this case me -.-' taking the blame for him? Thus him not having to feel attacked/bad?) Do you think we can learn to regulate/self-love without the narcissist? I feel relationship with the narcissist teaches us how to become stronger and more confident - as we now know our self worth as we've experienced it thanks to the narcissist! I am very grateful for what he has shown me about myself. I even believe narcissists have better insight into psyche of others, to see their true potential. Even if they don't see them 'clearly' as separate objects. Do you find that in your studies too? I also feel that, when we gain some strength to be without them, some kind of structure helps (As you've said, we are in chaos and they do offer stability, with unconditional love). Journaling, exercise, and finding meaning and self worth through other things - I found that doing little things from heart to share our love (that we would often times give to the narcissist), and give it to animal shelters, friends, causes that we believe in - can help with that emptiness, as we do feel the need to give something to get something in return. That something can be the narcissist - but can also be kitties! Similar they are too, super affectionate and needy, though seemingly aloof, and can bite if not given food when they want it!
Holy crap you just explained every minute of my past relationships. I’ve known I’m borderline for a while but god damn, that was fucking end to end a perfect description. Thank you so much, this is eye opening
👏👏👏👏 Thanks, Professor! Your metaphors really do it for me. As per life experience, this is totally how the game rolls. So amphibian, so mind boggling, so explosive to body on hormonal level, that there is no way to see through bullet-time. You caught the whole tale by it's tail in this video, Doctor. I am on it, will translate into Russian, post on my chanel and send you a copy. That's my thing, love it! - Your Ukrainian-American co-thinker. Please continue speaking your truth. 🎯💛💙🌐
Also if a Borderline rejects narcs hoovers, is he left tortured with the introject image of her in his mind hence becoming obsessed? Or will new supply replace the image?
I'm a borderline & it's been over 4yrs no contact with my narcissistic ex. I left after going back & forth many times. I still think about him every day & look for his car occasionally. I know I can't ever make contact. This video has helped me to understand why the pull is still so strong even tho I don't actually even like him. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
🙏
I felt while reading your comment that I must have posted it because it’s 💯 how it is for me. I know I can’t ever have a conversation with this person again because, like a magnet, I lose myself.
Listening to these videos has opened my eyes so much to my mental baggage and WHY I had virtually no control of the pull. Like he highjacked my mind. Let’s not forget, aside from the “attraction” because of the borderline/Narcissist dance. But the trauma bond that was created by the constant validation, idealization, and intense nature is so hard to break. It’s a soul tie (if you’re spiritual at all you should look into how to break it. It’s opened my eyes a to. As well.) but just like you- I wonder how I could think of that as love when I didn’t even like the dude. If I saw him on the street I wouldn’t even look back. So the confusion of that alone boggles my mind. And then to be so wrapped up mentally and physically… it’s a really helpless feeling. Uncontrollably all consuming. Every day I have to make a conscious effort to not go down that mental rabbit hole.
I wish the best for you. Just know you’re not alone!
Story of my current situation and When “you said I don’t actually like him “ I felt that my soul! cause that craving for them hits sooooo hard 😩😩
@@LaShawndra.Gilbert and the rumination over this person…. So demonic. Spiritual warfare x 100. I feel yah.
@A .H PRODUCTIONS unfortunately I get that😔
As a narcissist (grandiose cerebral), I don't pursue relationships. The ones that happened, all have been with Borderlines without exception. NPD & BPD can be a pretty interesting and fulfilling relationship. BPD wanted to hangout 24/7 and see all the boring grandiose shit I was working on for my own amusement, I was more than happy to have her company 24/7. Unfortunately, as adorably cute and as clingy as BPDs are, once triggered because of smallest of reasons, they all ended up cheating multiple times during the course relationship. Resulting in a vicious devaluation response. I generally don't have time or desire to take the same type of revenge. But its really disappointing. I guess to make it work both parties have accept and acknowledge and consciously stop their abusive behavior on some level. On part of narcissist don't criticize & devalue the borderline. Her cycle of moodiness is part of her charm. Love bomb her, give her space, tolerate and make time for her. On part of the borderline, just don't bring other men into the equation to ease your mood. I remember telling my BPD ex after 20 times of breakup, "you would be perfect if you existed on some other planet and did not have access to other men." To this day, I still prefer making work out with a Borderline. No other type of person have the patience to even be slightly entertained by the void reality of a cerebral narcissist. However like it or not narcissist are still people and in fact many of them contribute to the success and progress of humanity on daily bases. They are your Engineers and CEOs.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I think we can all make special bonds with people even if its not movie style love.
Hmm a borderline cheating? Idk I never did that. My narc did it plenty of times though
This. I exist and am loved/idolized in his fantasy, but when he starts trying to devalue or discard (looks for a new fantasy or if anyone else happens to catch his eye too poignantly.. I panic and have zero control over my reaction to that perceived betrayal. For me, there is only the fantasy of other people very rarely, but I absolute despise cheating on a moral level. He has absolutely zero problem using or manipulating someone else in a pinch.) because I start to run away or exist outside of the fantasy (he has a severe porn addiction, as well), things go south quickly. I become highly emotionally volatile, almost to the point of psychopathy, because I cannot deal with the flood of emotions regarding abandonment in any way. I see this. I think he sees it, too. And then we both end up hurt because I explode to the precipice of nearly mortifying him in an attempt to soothe my own emotions, and he nearly destroys me internally by trying to discard me to alleviate the emotions he is now having to experience because I will burn the fantasy to the ground if it is not to my liking or regarding anyone else. Basically, if he is going to be selfish, I can also be selfish. And then, at some point, we both hit equilibrium because we are both tired of hurting, decide to regroup and create a new shared fantasy to stop the pain and shame cycles, and a new love cycle begins again. It is heartbreaking and extremely painful, yet simultaneously the deepest bond either of us have ever experienced, which we both see is unhealthy but also need deeply. It's like a phoenix, consuming itself in flames and being reborn from the ashes, over and over because it is the only way we effectively deal with our existential crises regarding existance. We do communicate extremely effectively, however, and this works to smooth out the hurt feelings on both ends and, honestly, helps to keep those particular situations from happening again, at least, in the exact same manner. Each cycle is a different version of the dynamic we are trying to work through. And both of us have grown a lot because we are able to dissect ourselves raionally from the outside in these moments of clarity, which sounds impossible, but it is just how we function. We cannot separate due to family situation- neither of us would likely survive actually separating, which would be bad for our offspring, no matter how you slice it. We want so much more for them.. It's amazing when it's good and an absolute nightmare when it's bad. I think he volleys between psychopathy and narcissism as his natural state of being, however. I feel everything for him, allowing him (his real self) to coexist with reality in a way where he feels safe for once, and he helps to shield me from my own dysregulation by reigning in my emotional state, allowing me to mitigate the enormity of my perceived reality, which also makes me feel safe. Trying to walk that razor wire where we get what we need in the relationship and don't step on one another or send the other into orbit has basically become our mission. These videos have explained the dynamic in such an eye-opening manner, and it is extremely helpful to have it explained so thoroughly. I'm not saying it's exceptionally healthy. We both want the same thing, we just go about it in such opposite ways. We have actually acknowledged that we are the opposite side of one coin (our goals in life are the same but the way we go about getting there are extreme opposites, in almost every facet), which I found very interesting that Sam says this exact phrase in regards to this type of relationship. It makes sense, really.
Also, note that BOTH of our mothers lost their bio moms at a young age and were raised by grandiose narcissistic stepmothers. My mother was a covert narc who I have had to remove from my life. His mother has tendencies but is far more healthy than mine, but he developed a LOT of shame and was over-idolized and spoiled by his. My father was very quiet and tolerant, while his was very domineering and has a lot of anger issues (Which his father also developed from a very physically abusive relationship with his own father.)
Hey Stormy! This was so relatable and also absolutely what happened with us. Wish we’re still together but we’re not. I love your love. Keep going❤️
I am undiagnosed but I fit heavily into BPD traits. My husband is undiagnosed and fits very well with the npd traits. The entire relationship has felt like me chasing his approval, trying to earn his love and respect but never being worthy of it to him. Trying so hard to be seen and heard but never doing things “right” enough for him to see or hear me. It has felt like I want a close connection and he just wanted me here, technically his wife and his wife in my day to day duties and for him to refer to or talk about to his friends and acquaintances as it suits him to relate to others, but he never wanted the closeness of a real and meaningful relationship. He often told me I needed to worry about myself and stop focusing so much on him. But it was usually when I had caught him lying to me or being somewhere that was not appropriate/ doing something hurtful to me and the relationship that he would blow up and say I was obsessed and psycho. It was so he could create the distance he wanted to live his life how he wanted and disregard me and my needs or feelings.
Are we talking about the same guy?
It is as if you tell my story.
Thank you for your comment! I just saw and read it at perhaps the perfect timing. The shame from this guy I let back into my life is very believable. It’s way to easy for me to accept his belittlement as my identity. I keep going back n forth on whether it’s me being a crazy problem maker or him actually doing cruel narcissistic demoralization on me. It’s wrong, sick, and so trapping. I appreciate your comment. You reminded me of reality. The place I need to get back to because this fantasy is ruining my life.
@@fire4myChrist The issue is, I have forgotten who I really am. Lost all focus on hobbies, skills, and path I was working so much to build my ideal future from. When we go no contact, I feel devastated like I’m dying inside. I can’t seem to let go of him not seeing me as important to him. The fact that he devalues me to then discard me completely grabs all my focus to try to convince him that he’s destroying us. Then I desperately hold onto the him that’s already gone. I want to handle this easier and see the reality. It feels weak and embarrassing that he has so much power to control my life. I don’t know how to get back to who I was so I can grow more. Escape these patterns.. just can’t seem to resist him when he comes back.
@@fire4myChrist That was helpful though. I have to face the void or else risk filling it with another addiction. Thank you!
I have bpd, I believe that my partner is a narcissist and this is our relationship in a nut shell. Blew my mind to have our push and pull summarized so well.
It's crazy how lacking self awareness can keep you in a dynamic like that for years....
You’ve got Hercule Poirot vibes. Apart from that. I‘m the BPD in the BPD-NPD relationship. My NPD’s emotional well is empty. Mine‘s overflowing. I can flood him with no consequence. Sane people people would suffer and drown. So there‘s an outlet for my flood and he gets the supply he craves. It‘s sad really.
I fucking love this guy, explains personality disorders in the best possible way while being funny
While drinking wine!! Es increible!😅
Don't feed him!!
@@whow486why?
Your videos are insane Professor. Insanely sensical in every way. I’ve danced this dance as a borderline for the past 5 years - I have a daughter who’s 4 and I’ve given her the most tumultuous upbringing since pregnancy. I had her when I was 20yo, I’m grateful to be a mother. My child gives me the ultimate reason to push on and work hard on my issues, including the relationship I have with her father who is undiagnosed but definitely highly narcissistic. To pop this shared delusion we have recently has given me an emptiness I haven’t experienced in a long time. As a teen I was always in a relationship and never spent a month single. I’ve grown and changed for the worst and the better on this parenthood journey. I’m commenting this more so for myself than anyone else but I will work my damn hardest to gain some normalcy in my being. I am cut off from my emotional regulation system (her father) it feels as if I’ve lost a limb tbh as it clearly shows he does not care in the ways that I do. I’m grateful to just be my child’s mother and not his mother anymore as that task completely consumed the little identity I do have, although I’m almost yearning for it internally as fkd up as that sounds. These are just the beginning days but I know better so I must do better and that starts with me. I spent many years trying to teach, guide and show my narc the errors in both of our beings only to some avail. I understand a lot more about myself and the world through this relationship than any other teaching. I’ll dedicate my life to obtaining knowledge and true self empowerment. I know what it is like to be an addict and have addictions and I know this “love/relationship” has been my biggest one yet but I’m ready to challenge the shit out of it in order to change the narrative of my life. I feel as if I owe it to the future generations of my lineage to give it the best crack now while I’m still young and impressionable. For my daughter I will do whatever it takes to become a good role model and source of wisdom for her.
This is highly relatable and inspirational. Thank you for sharing.
Brilliant, as always. However, my question is... The Boderline-NPD couple as parents and the impact on their children, grandchildren, etc. Your first video on this pairing almost made up for 33 years of validation, or a lack there of. You are the only person in the world that gets me, and I'm okay with that. You are a gift, sir.
Once again…. Brilliant!
As a high functioning borderline.. I’ll do anything to regulate, anything! Other people absolutely regulate me.. its like being in love with your drug dealers. What is sick- is that I know this is happening but can not stop myself from seeking regulation..only to become an emotional unhinged secondary psychopath when I do not get what I psychologically need.
Someone can make or break my day with a couple of words… It doesn’t matter how many times I am told I am loved, I always need to be reassured.. approach/avoidant.. I hate you, don’t leave me.. is my life.
I literally do research as an undergraduate because my grandiosity has to be fed in one way or another. I’ll work nights and weekends- just to be one of the best.
I am a senior in college- psychology/sociology major in the attempt to save my life.
Oh! And my partner of 11 years is a narcissist.. our mating dance is war
How can you do it for so long? My story is similar to yours (bpd) but as much as I am addicted to the war dance with the narc, I eventually tire of them not being the perfect promise they painted. My anger at them and the whole situation becomes so overwhelming and rage consumes me. So I discard them. I always discard them, never the other way around. The dance doesn’t last long, 1 or 2 years. And although I do many “mini” discards (ones that aren’t permanent and in the back of my mind I am aware of this) throughout the duration of the relationship, once I do the final discard I never look back again. Never speak another word to them. I guess I am wondering how you have not been pushed to run away? I agree that they regulate our emotions when they’re serving that role, but they’re also able to completely scramble and destroy any sort of emotional regulation and push me to levels of fury I didn’t know were humanly possible. And it’s in those moments that I welcome my inner psychopath to come out and take the reins.
I made it 26 years. The answer is friends tons of friends lol
Wow, only 10 minutes in and already mind-blown. This so perfectly explains sooo much and makes it so much easier to understand certain people in my life. It's nice to have clarity. Thank you. 🤯🙏
Prof Vaknin casually sippin on a mega pint of blood his latest victim's blood. Seriously though, your videos and others like them helped me gain awareness and restored me to sanity. Eternally grateful.
😂😂😂
So true.
I no longer have a false sense of self my eyes are wide open. Fantasy no more. I do hope I won’t become so pessimistic that I refuse to bond again. Thank you for this explanation.
Me too.. no more fantasy, but what now
Hey Professor, I’ve watched some of your videos and I have to say that you nail it (are spot on) with describing a narcissist. No one has even come close to my perceptions and understandings of the mind of a narc like you. These ppl are in such incredible amounts of pain it’s unbelievable almost inconceivable, it’s absolutely astonishing to watch what they do. Mind boggling the lengths they go to. It’s all consuming energy they use to keep alive the feeling of pain inside them. And by doing so they remain the puppet of the very person that caused them all the pain. Like a good obedient little boy/girl. Perhaps they so deeply seek the approval of the parent that this is the only way they know how? They like to think that they are in control but they really are the most out of control ppl. The strings of their manipulator are still at play working within themselves.
They just cannot let it go - the pain they feel. (and this is why no one can get thru) and obliterate everything around them in the same manner that the pain is within themselves. They have no belief whatsoever that they deserve to be loved. A sincere to the core belief that they are worthless, meaningless and hopeless. It’s a truely sad state of affairs within a narcissist.
The best video I saw you do was a lecture but I no longer can find it, I think that maybe it has to do with an arguement you had with another dude so you removed it perhaps.
My question for you is, do you have a video on the psychological impacts of children raised by a ‘true’ narcissist?
I say ‘true’ bc the word narcissist is thrown about so much these days.
Sam you are simply THE BEST!!!! Nobody explains it better than you! Love listenning to you. You become a part of my life and your videos are my daily routine. Everyday at least 1 therapy hour with Sam is an absolute must! Thank you so much for everything you say. You help me to understand me and my bpd so much better. You keep me sane😅 and your hair was never of any interest ! 😂😂 lots of love! J.
This really explains my relationship. It hurts so bad but we never can leave. We keep coming back together. i feel so broken over and over again but i can't stay away. We do hoover each other. My person said we are a like a chain . It's so painful.
Love the sense of humor. Thank you for your post.
Professor Vaknin, I am rarely left speechless. Rarely. But I an completely and utterly speechless at the moment. I've consumed an inordinate amount of watered-down and pseudo psychology over the past few years, and thought I knew everything there was to know about the Borderline/Narcissist diad. But this video has disrupted my entire notion of not just my relationships with Borderlines, but of my self as a narcissist. I've seen your videos in the past but never really took the time to properly consume one-- until now. And I'm looking forward to a nice binge session of your content.
Thank you so much for the insight!
Brendan
Hello, I am a woman with borderline personality disorder, can I ask you some questions please
@@Shams_Hussam99 of course
@@brendanoconnorphotography
I am a woman with borderline personality disorder. I had a relationship with a narcissistic man. He chased me a lot when I left him and I always came back to him despite the destruction he caused me. Does the narcissistic man have feelings for the borderline woman? Can he love her? Does he feel that she is a different woman from the rest of his victims who do not have a personality disorder? Thank you very much
@@Shams_Hussam99 Sorry, I needed some time to think about the question. So to answer your questions:
Yes a narcissistic man can love you. However, he is going to always want to leave you. Even when he loves you. It's just our nature. Unless he admits that he is a Narcissist and gets help then he will leave you over and over again. Not to cause you pain. But to keep himself from being in pain. Narcissistic men need space and new and exciting things. And you can't provide that. Nor should you. But yes he can love you. And he likely loves you more because you have Borderline. But until he gets help he will always hurt you in the end.
@@brendanoconnorphotography
Thank you very much you gave me invaluable information thank you very much and borderline women also love and are attracted to a narcissistic man more than any other man because only a narcissistic man can kill our feelings and make us feel like we are not alive and this transformation is great for us but there is a video that says Professor Sam Vaknin The Border Woman Makes the Narcissistic Man Feel Alive by Pain? Is it true that a borderline woman is able to give life to a narcissist?
I an a classic borderline female. Narcissistic men are drawn to me in psychopathic way and I have even been raped twice back when I was in college. The second time was by an narcissistic ex who raped me the day I broke up with him.he forced me to stay with him and I did. In the moment it did not seem like rape because it’s your own boyfriend. But he discarded me about a year after that incident. Yes, he ended up breaking up with me. I chased after him endlessly only to be mocked, laughed at by him and his new gf. He eventually married and had children with her. Then he started stalking me. He follows my every move even to this day. I hate him more than anything in this world. But sincerely the guy just cannot get over me. Which feeds my ego, obviously. But also fills me with profound hatred. I say all the time I could just kill him. And maybe that’s exactly what he wants.
This is a game changer, really. Thank you so much!
I had BPD and it's been a year since I broke up with my ex who has NPD and as a psychoanalyst myself this was truly fascinating thank you!
WOW. This is brilliant. This describes my situation exactly.
Thank you!
Sam I yearned and pined for “Malignant Self Love, Narcissism Revisited” so we own it now thank you
I have been dx with Bipolar but I think I have Borderline. My husband is a narcissist. We’ve separated many times over the past 32 years and we are together now. I was extremely disregulated during our separations so I will never leave again. I can’t even imagine going through that again. We are able to get our needs met by each other. I literally just have to tell him what to do and say because he has no emotional intelligence. He goes along with the program because he doesn’t like being without this relationship either.
Monsieur Professör ... Sie haben einen köstlich diametralen Humor ... faszinierend 🎉
I realized that I can only love narcissist men. And you know what, who cares, let him come to me again, so we can heal.
😂😂😂 I hear you same here
Eloquently said, you inspire me and educate me thank you. You are most certainly a guru, the best explanation in regards to these subject. Love listening to you. Your hair cut looks fabulous 🙏
My husbands ex got 17 years of alimony he can’t afford. 9 years later she still emails him. 12 years later the judge gave her 70-% of his salary. He never told me he was emailing with her. She’s covert narc. He is BOD. he cheats lies and sneaks snd hid it Fe 1 yeas. Be what. ? I’m in my 60s. And I love your haircut and glasses. You saved my life 10 years ago. I think you’re awesome
You hair looks gorgeous!!!!!
Whatever you said today made so much sense regarding my ex narcissist friend
His intimate partner is borderline personality they together for over a year and half I was actually wondering how he is holding on to her for so long
I was discarded by the narcissist in a crazy way
But I felt I was discarded long before he actually discard me
All true! And has been lived through! Thank you Prof. Vakinin!
Thanks for your video and a nice hair cut 😄
From Buenos Aires, Argentina… thank you for all your videos, Dr Vaknin. You help me a lot !!! Great sense of humor ! 🤗🤗
Professor Sam, not a question, your hair is lovely! 🥂
professor Vaknin, thank you.
Sam Vaknin is. Genius!
Another great video Prof.Vaknin. Thank you :)
Absolutely brilliant
Guten morgen Vaknin.
I'll try to present you with a question of mine based on my experience, which is absolutely non-academic, but rather human. I have the impression that in the ideological clash between a narcissist and a borderline, the narcissist is actually at a disadvantage. Based on my experience, the narcissist manipulates, and in any case, the borderline waits for the narcissist to complete their manipulation. Because, again according to my experience, the narcissist manipulates while the borderline distorts. So the borderline waits for the narcissist to finish their manipulation, then takes the entire manipulation, distorts it, and resets the situation back to its original conditions.
Do I speak no-sense?
My best, dear Sam.
Can a narcistic mother cause child to be borderline ? and what causes borderline?
Whenever I watch your videos, I have a deep urning to have a one on one session with you. An insatiable need to clarify wether my criminal addict covert narc in fact is a narc ( and not a psychopath)… and also wether I’m a borderline.. I have been diagnosed with borderline and ocd and add , but I have some symptoms that I never knew wether they speak of borderline experience or may be it’s something else or comorbidity .. I’ve never heard these elements that I’ve been describing as dominant in me , described as main borderline traits..
but then the fact that I need an external authority figure to explain to me who I am - renders me borderline ? I don’t know.. in any event , fascinated by your videos . Dying to solve these riddles. Can I send a description of my disorders as I experience to any e mail adress perhaps? It’s in Hebrew. It would be such an honor for me to hear what you make of it🙏
I (BPD) had a 1 year permanent on/off relationship with a covert narc. Both we were unable to quit. When I left, he immediatly started hoovering, begging, chasing me to come back - and the other way around. It was so destructive. He discarded me 1,5 year ago when he found a new supply. I never got closure, instead I was blocked and completely ghosted. How was that possible?
6 month after beeing discarded and after I went no contact too, he unblocked me on social media. I unblocked him back but nothing else has happened since.
Not sure if there will ever be a direct hoover from him or if that was all now.
And as you see: the narc can leave and obviously will not stay trauma bonded. I thought he is trauma bonded too, but maybe I am wrong (or he still feels kind of addicted to me, but not that much that he has the desire to reach out).
He will contact you again since he unblocked you. He unblocked you for a reason and that is future hoovering when he discards the New supply. He is going to make an indirect implicit move. Not obvious hoovering. He will test the waters to see if you are still available for him. That's my experience from cerebral narcissists. They are afraid of direct rejection. The somatic doesn't really care because he is handsome and fit and has always a harem on the side
Sam, if the internal idealized image doesn’t match the external does this cause panic within the narcissist? For example, what happens when the borderline has a baby? Does the pregnancy cause a crisis within the narc since the internal and external are so extremely different?
What happens with the borderline finally can no longer take the pain and finally leaves the shared fantasy ? Can the hoovering from the narcissist be more dangerous due to the intensity of this dynamic?
Can a narcissist and a borderline survive the relationship and continue the live together?
I’m really curious about what your thoughts are on the 5 love languages..
Thank you so much for such comprehensive insight. Very helpful for a mirhe
Mother living with a very traumatized adult son. Sorry bout the typo?
Dear Sam 😉i must say you are soo intereseted with us😍…border and narc are like twins separeted from birth 😅we say like this in italy 😜but we are so mezmeraized with the power of a narc and a little bit jealous 😇
Can a borderline be cured? Does a narcissistic discard help? Can it be like rock bottom? I feel changed. It has been three years and my head is just starting to clear.
the first minute of this video had me rolling 😂
это самое точное описание меня пограничника и моего бывшего нарцисса,концовка о волосах в конце видео меня так рассмешило,что я на миг забыла о своём бывшем нарциссе)))
Wow. Thank you so much!
All I have to say is "love your hair" and of course the useful content 🌝
I've been accused of npd and was sent this video by a clinical therapist bc every single one of my relationships was with a bpd woman. Interesting, I feel exposed but she's wrong
Hi Sam. Forgive me for referencing your last video with this comment. In your last video you said the narcissist and "his" behaviors hinge on "his" mother. If the narcissist is a female, would their behavior still hinge on the mother or would it hinge on the father? Does the gender of the cluster B defer to a specific gender of the parent or is it typical that it defaults to the mother in any case?
Thank you for your videos. Great content!!
Mother. Always mother. Only mother.
Lol 1:19 you’re wild Mr. Sam
Powerful..❤
THANK YOU!!!
You look younger Sam :)
Is it too simplistic to say that borderlines will have more tendencies towards stalking behaviour? A narcissist can move on easier than a borderline?
Yes.
Yes but does this ever bring them back together “healed?”
36:22 Pure Gold 🤣
Yeah yeah blame it on me as usual...
Dear Professor,
You say that the couple borderline/narcissist is impossible to break. But then you say “the narcissist devalues the borderline harshly and discards her cruelly”.
It means it is possible to finally break this couple?
Or the borderline will come back to the narcissist even after such a discard you are describing?
Watch today's video.
@@samvaknin Thank you, Professor. How much I hope she will come back😔
@@samvaknin Dear Professor, Thank you for the detailed video. Can hoovering be different from texts and phone calls? In other words can it be indirect? Or only direct contact is considered as hoovering?
@@samvaknin i watched the whole thing it sounds like you’re saying ultimately at some point the narcissist will definitely discard the borderline permanently to complete the ultimate goal of disassociation from his mother which will give him the greatest pleasure ? Is this a correct assessment ?
Love the hair.....
Thank you so much!!
Thanks!!!
OMG we are all mad here. Normal people don't exist
Can yo give example how narc interact with internal objects.
Dear professor, what abought infj and borderline fantasy?
Recognizably lifelike content. 👍
Are we going to the same hairdresser? 😃
Just checking .....
this is very sad.. extremely sad . i dont wana be this person anymore and whatever he told in the video is 100% right . plz can u help bpd ppl how they can move on and not keep attempting suicides
DBT therapy
Is it in anyway possible that a narcissist and borderline can heal together and have a healthy relationship together? Please explain how.. cz I'm so in love with him and can't imagine being without him, while at the same time i'm aware that this relationship can be really destructive and dangerous sometimes
No.
@@JacquelineKennedy-g4m The narcissist's more abrasive behaviors can be modified with therapy.
So let me make sence of the bit about mislabeled emotional states, are you saying that its like alxithymia?
What would cause a narcissist/borderline couple to still not let go of each other even if the shared fantasy has dissipated and they are now constantly trying to hurt each other ?
The shared fantasy has not dissipated. Its content has changed.
@@JacquelineKennedy-g4m Watch the shared fantasy playlist.
What is silent treatment? How to break it?
Prof, I would have to tell you that real consumers of your own bright knowledge would never ever make a comment....
You are handsome)
Wow. This why I stay single. What are you ditto do with all this information?
RE;:Intro; OMG For those reasons, I'm sure I couldn't read the comments ... I would feel my own IQ lowering, meanwhile that's time you can't get back. RE: Books Attitude; My Soulmate! LOL I can't believe we weren't taught Narc & BPD were 2-sides of the same coin, a perfect interplay of yin/yang (fem/masculine representation), seems like common sense.
😂commented your hair cut😂😂😂
I wonder how long the narcissist's phases (lovebombing, etc) can last: 1 year, 2 years or more?
As soon as you show weak points, he will eat you alive and it is over. Then continues the cycle and resets.
Thanks so much for this education
😂 you are hilarious
Dr. Vaknin…. What’s your take on a spouse who always mouth kisses me with wide open eyes 👀 . Checks in with several red flags ( entitled, seeks for admiration, gaslights, intolerance to constructive criticism etc, etc). Thanks.. greetings from Midwest US…
Eyes open so creepy
My ex used to do this too. Never questioned it though, interesting question.
@ruben morales They like to stay in control position, so they are checking the effects what they caused and the emotional response of the other. From it they can understand if the supply is still bonded emotionally or not. If a person closes the eyes it means emotionally dedicated itself to the moment. If keeps open: want to observe the situation, the other and the emotions but doesn't want to be involved emotionally
@@terezelek277 my ex borderline gf did that, i picked it up pretty quickly but due to me ideolizing her i didnt mind
Using the gel in your hair made you look years younger. No gel: old fart. Gel: young and hip. I wish you would expound on the gruesome intricacies of your hair so I don't have to pay so much attention to the intricacies of my covert narcissistic partner.
Nice hairline
This is horrible
You are so accurate and it's as you say it. 😢 it is a nightmare and fantasy at the same time. I had emailed you before . I could do with your advice. @nazpars
I'm a borderline and I've been in three relationshits with a narc. We are easily triggered so we are excellent supply for them especially once they ascertain what our hot buttons are.
Indeed, the covert narcissistic guy I know stated during a hoover, he "seeks to anger me.
@@niccolea2086 I never even posted that. I dont think its funny. Someone must have hacked my account. Im a grown A&& women and I dont think mental illness is funny. However, I get annoyed by people telling others what to do with their lives. Grow up, get a life and stop cyber bullying folks , thinking you're protecting someone. Did it ever occur to you that folks get their accounts hacked! Go after the hackers!
It's called Marriage. The
Two shall become one.
26.4 yrs for us . He is NPD
She BPD. Love/Hate relationship. When his mask falls it is like looking into the eyes of the Devil and yet I will fight him tooth and nail then feel sorry and want to help nurture him to see the LIGHT. We are in separate quarters in silence the last 3weeks retreating for now until the next truce or battle . I cannot save him from himself.i cannot shake him awake. This may be the last battle. Spiritual warfare vs. Greek Tragedy🙏
I tell mines I am Athena and I send my owl to watch over him. His a narcissist and I'm BPD..what a ride
I love love love your BPD/NPD videos explaining the dance that exists between us and so eloquently and so painfully true. I don't agree with every point you bring up in regards to the Borderline but over all I wish my ex would watch your videos but if he did he wouldn't be him! Also, your hair does look good but you already knew that 🤗
I am a borderline who is trying to understand what happened when I had a relationship with a narcissist. How I was drawn into another reality, hard for me to grasp. I had to leave him when it got to a point where I was physically hurt and in great danger. But I also perceived this love relationship was just as dangerous to my mind. I now understand what happened to us and Im very thankful for this explanation as Im trying to heal from the process of him discarting me.
the pain sounds never ending here
Narcissists are lost children who never grew up and want to rest the love other have for them
this is so ridiculously accurate lmfao i can’t even deal . i’m blocked by my narc and can’t even send him this 😂😂😂😂 i need helllllpppppppp
Sincerely thank you for this video - makes things much clearer! You are right that we fall in love with ourselves and gain control over our functions with a narcissist. I was always confused as to why I feel so empty and meaningless without him. He was very encouraging of me and I had the confidence to do anything, as if I had him to fall back onto if I fail - mother, as you say :). Now I am single as I did run away from being demolished! (To me the worst part was his projection/blame shifting and forcing me into trusting him over the truth of who I knew I was. I would find that often he would try to force the dynamic he had with his birth mother onto me - who he blamed/criticized always and tried to punish. Why does he force this conflict and what is the outcome he hopes to get from this? The mother - in this case me -.-' taking the blame for him? Thus him not having to feel attacked/bad?)
Do you think we can learn to regulate/self-love without the narcissist? I feel relationship with the narcissist teaches us how to become stronger and more confident - as we now know our self worth as we've experienced it thanks to the narcissist! I am very grateful for what he has shown me about myself. I even believe narcissists have better insight into psyche of others, to see their true potential. Even if they don't see them 'clearly' as separate objects. Do you find that in your studies too? I also feel that, when we gain some strength to be without them, some kind of structure helps (As you've said, we are in chaos and they do offer stability, with unconditional love). Journaling, exercise, and finding meaning and self worth through other things - I found that doing little things from heart to share our love (that we would often times give to the narcissist), and give it to animal shelters, friends, causes that we believe in - can help with that emptiness, as we do feel the need to give something to get something in return. That something can be the narcissist - but can also be kitties! Similar they are too, super affectionate and needy, though seemingly aloof, and can bite if not given food when they want it!
And the attention never goes to kids, unless it is unbalanced...
Your hair looks divine Professor.
"Whatever makes an impression on the heart seems lovely in the eye"
Holy crap you just explained every minute of my past relationships. I’ve known I’m borderline for a while but god damn, that was fucking end to end a perfect description. Thank you so much, this is eye opening
👏👏👏👏 Thanks, Professor!
Your metaphors really do it for me.
As per life experience, this is totally how the game rolls. So amphibian, so mind boggling, so explosive to body on hormonal level, that there is no way to see through bullet-time.
You caught the whole tale by it's tail in this video, Doctor.
I am on it, will translate into Russian, post on my chanel and send you a copy. That's my thing, love it!
- Your Ukrainian-American co-thinker.
Please continue speaking your truth.
🎯💛💙🌐
Also if a Borderline rejects narcs hoovers, is he left tortured with the introject image of her in his mind hence becoming obsessed? Or will new supply replace the image?