The tragedy when you come to a conclusion that narcissistic psychological and physical abuse turned you into a narcissist in order to protect your wounded self. The shame I feel is awful. I really want to heal so I can spread love in the world instead of hurt. I want to stop the madness running in my family... facing it is honestly terrifying
I don't know what I am but something is certainly wrong with me. I can see that my grandmother was not treated well by her parents. My mother was not treated well. I was not treated well. Down the line it goes. I don't know what's wrong with me and I wish I could stop it just like you. All I can do is go to therapy and hope that I do a good enough job at being a mother that my children don't become hollow and carry it out into the world.
Mental Healness' channel is a great resource in my opinion girl. He is a narcissist and has been in therapy for 4 years, helping people dealing with narcissists become aware as well as a good example how to become a self aware narcissist and work on yourself. He refuses to let anyone tell him he can't be a loving father to his kids, a loving husband, and a good person. ❤ Also, I'm so sorry for the abuse you experienced in your life and 100% know those deep wounds from psychological and physical abuse are not your fault.
@@reginafarias Seeing as though you're happy flinging crap around- here's an update. I went to a psychiatrist. I'm not a narcissist. My mother most likely is and I've shown obvious signs of trauma from being gaslit. I show a degree of childhood neglect and as a result I am under developed emotionally, much like in a teenage phase. My mother most likely got that way because my grandfather shows signs of being a grandiose narcissist and my grandmother shows signs of being a covert narcissist. Now 😊 Perhaps you should stop randomly assuming things about people on the internet based on a few lines when people are trying to grieve and heal. You're either a troll, an angry person or someone who has severely lost perspective on life. Good bye.
@thelourensfamily8048 the starseeds are supposed to stop the generational curse. The 144k, are you one? Stop worrying and trust. I'm experiencing the same trying to not be a narcissist and heal but a change happened after all the abuse.
Thank you for this video. I was told by a therapist that it was possible to take me mentally back to the point where I 'got stuck' developmentally (due to abuses) as a young child and start again and build those experiences differently. After working with them, and when the therapist wasn't able to, I blamed myself and didn't go back. Afterwards I read a lot and watched videos on this subject, and came to this conclusion and felt a lot better knowing that what was done was done, and it was about now, rather than trying to relearn experiences in a different way as an adult and apply them to my child self.
So i often wondered as an abuse survivor if i was a narcissist. I think maybe what the therapist was trying to communicate was self parenting. Yes, you can’t change the past but you can reinterpret it. In my experience it takes a lot of grieving and sorting out responsibilities. Hardest thing Ive ever had to do. If you had ideal parents how would they treat you, what would they say? Do that to yourself, as best you can, being gentle and patient.
"The belief is the perception" .......Only you can choose your beliefs 😁😁😁 Seems to me that you have. You allow people to tell you who you are. Now reverse engineer your thought pathway reaction to understand why this gave you an anxiolytic feeling 💚💚💚
There are several narcs in my family. Growing up, I'd seen two severe narcissists develop from polar opposite environments: one was severely abused, while the other one was spoiled rotten by several enablers. Regardless, both environments ensured that they didn't learn object constancy and empathy. Many roads lead to NarcLand.
@@sarahfranco6802 The one who was spoiled rotten was my brother. When he was 6, he learned that if he pretended to be disabled, he could get away with not needing to do his homework. Even his teachers enabled him. When trying to intimidate others mostly failed, he quickly figured out that feeling sorry for himself would almost always reap rewards, especially sympathy. That's exactly how he became a covert narcissist.
This is so finally so illuminating. Brilliant! Was one of your first followers way back in the day but this one really wraps it up. You were the first voice about narcissim and it has changed my life.
You are helping so so many people, thank you for all your time, work and consideration. You Mr. Vankin are saving lives, literally not metaphorically, thank you from the bottom of my heart for illuminating the causes of these destructive behaviors so insightfully well, your are brilliant and your words have helped me immensely, thank you.
Finally someone is explaining things with clear language and definitions. Thank you. I super appreciate you always citing sources so we can follow the trail. It's filling in all the gaps in my knowledge and helps me make sense of this "visceral knowing" from my experiences merging with my cognitive understanding. "The Body Keeps the Score" and Sam Vaknin is calling the game play by play.
Most NPD videos are put out by "targets" for narcissistic supply and credentialed mental health professionals. You bring a different perspective. Not only are you credentialed ,but also have NPD. No one else can get me "in the head " of someone with NPD like you can. I was very disheartened to hear your belief that the NPD damage is mostly irreversible.
I have developed so much compassion for my older sister and younger brother who are narcissists one overt the other covert that I act as their supply when I can. I suppose I have overcome some of the victimization and developed boundaries and a stronger sense of self. The greatest help to me is to have an enlightened master who is a woman i follow in India. She expresses the unconditional love my mother never gave. I heard about her when working in an adolescent mental health clinic. The head psychiatrist told me about her, saying " I believe no one greater than her has been born for centuries." She is the ultimate healer.
I had a husband who was the most malignant, sadistic and nearly psychopathic creature imaginable, and my observations about his making are that he was a product of both types of abuse that you describe. On the one hand mommy was the coddler, who worshipped and also sexualized him, making him a sort of surrogate partner and essentially treating him like a little princeling. Daddy was intermittently grandiose and punishing to the whole family and was also, likely, a narcissist. There was absolutely no consistent discipline, but dad’s occasional over-reactions. Much of the time the parents acted as if they thought Lord of the Flies was a parenting manual. (This, of course is just what I’ve managed to deduce from his accounts and those of his parents and brothers) He spent his childhood literally torturing his brother who was two years younger and doing the same to certain kids at school. I can practically hear his parents mouthing the standard line “boys will be boys,” as they brush off his incredible sadism as perfectly normal. His mother has actually described to me his conduct disorder during childhood, which she believed to be pretty normal. I’ve seen the type of narcissist created by total adulation throughout childhood, but in the ones I’ve known in that category, the extreme sadism was missing. There’s casual sadism, but not the premeditated and continuous campaigns of total personal destruction that my husband specialized in. I look at where he came from, though, and I see that there was absolutely NO chance for the child to form any kind of realistic self concept.
I have watched and been helped by many of your videos and this video right here explains so so much of the mechanics of a narcs thinking that it is essential to know, thank you
Yes. Children can. I did. I was 11 years old, when I developed Trixie, the opposite of goody two shoes Hadley. I also developed Charlie to protect me. I continued adding new splits. I finally killed them all and Developed Jivan. My permanent adult false self.
This is what I always wondered; is he aware of his seemingly delusional proclamations? It's so utterly frustrating when they insist that these delusions of grandiosity are the truth.
My understanding is the narcissists teaches the golden child the narcissists traits and encourage their warped world on this child x they are making a younger version of themselves and sadly children learn from what they see and are encouraged to do by the adults around them x these children may be ok and not do as the narcissists wants but this has to happen early on as if it doesn't they are very likely to be narcissistic if they dont learn better before they hit their late teens sadly x
Take it one step further and instead of saying good job and always focusing on the outcome try and focus and say praise on the child's efforts, regardless of the outcome.
This is beyond wonderful and I would personally 'disagree' only in the point that the hole is somewhat filled by loving ones own children with the love the parent himself did not receive from his own
Professor, you have informed us about the development of Narcissism and simular personality disorders. What are some explinations for people who were( in infancy and early childhood) subjected to the same abuses including simular and greater durations and severities but did not become Narcissists themselves? At what point during or after recognition of behavior is behavioral accountability an option?
My sons mother , told him that there's a better father out there, she just messed up her relationship with him... I believe its so no matter how good a father i am, I could never live up to his now imaginary father that is out there somewhere
Yeah, they do that. My mom sabotaged our whole family's ability to even see my dad, not physically, but outside of the story she had built around him. I don't know what to say except, make sure you spend one on one time with your kid/kids preferably without the mother present at all (something like camping, perhaps) and don't insult the mother (because that will look like proof) but just maybe mention that she might not be being truthful when she talks about you/other family members and leave it at that. Proving your quality might be impossible in that situation but at least you are in the parent position and not a sibling (which is harder still).
You generally talk about mother. It is understandable as the mother is the main figure and impact during child's development. However, is it enough just to have a mother while there is a dead inside or malfunctioning father? I also wonder what is the impact of the relatives during the childhood. If a family has no relatives or close friends, can only a mother would be enough for adequate emotional development of a kid?
I think so. As long as the mother is healthy and engaging the child during development. My situation is pretty much a dead ringer for your question. Pretty much I'm all my child has got. Father is dead inside and there's no family it's pretty much all on me the mom. And I'll tell ya this, after leaving the abusive dad, I've seen my child flourish and thrive. The healthier I get the healthier she gets. The more we work on our stuff the better we get. My child is so confident and has such an amazing curiosity for life now that she's away from her dad and feeling safe and comfortable. I'm a mom who shows up everyday and gives it all I got. I think it's more than enough for my kid. Of course I wish we had more relatives and a healthy father. I'm sure that would add to the richness of any child's life and development. However, I think mom is the main figure and makes the most important role in shaping the child. I think Sam would likely agree, and I base that statement on many videos I've seen of his where mother's role in child's upbringing is center stage for shaping the nature of that child. I'm curious if you asked the question because you are also a mom with no family and are doing it on your own and wanna know if you'll be enough for your child?! Because my answer would be, YES!!!
I wish I knew also but what I'm doing with my child is getting her into therapy. And I'm also just validating all feelings, I let them have their emotions big or small. We have meltdowns in public on the daily. The other day we ended up sitting on the pavement outside the library and just let her scream and cry. And then afterwards when she calmed down I told her I loved her and that we'd get thru these scary feelings together. I think something important for a caregiver of a child struggling with issues related to trauma, abuse, and neglect is to make sure you don't get triggered. I took a 13 week parenting class and it's helped me learn to navigate the scary emotions. I used to get triggered or upset when my child got upset. Now I am very patient. If I get triggered I take deep breaths and remind myself that my child's feelings aren't mine. Staying regulated as the caregiver enables you to help the child co-regulate. It's a struggle considering anything I say to try and help my child in those moments results in blood curdling screams from my child. However, my remaining calm does help her to come down faster. Afterwards I try and love on her and talk to her. I think the main advice I would give is to understand the "acting out" behaviors doesn't make the child a bad kid. The child is acting out because they're hurting inside. They desperately want someone to hear them and connect with them in those moments. See thru the behaviors and meltdowns and try and see the soul of the child needs love and understanding. However, sometimes kids that have been abused have trouble trusting and letting people comfort and love them. If you can not take things personal and keep showing up for the child through all the hard times, eventually the child will trust you and see you care. I dunno, that would be my advice. I'm still in the early stages tho. But those are my thoughts in response to your question.
![[LIVE] BABYMONSTER(베이비몬스터) - DRIP | 두시탈출 컬투쇼](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/UG05pxLGwzc/mqdefault.jpg)
The tragedy when you come to a conclusion that narcissistic psychological and physical abuse turned you into a narcissist in order to protect your wounded self. The shame I feel is awful. I really want to heal so I can spread love in the world instead of hurt. I want to stop the madness running in my family... facing it is honestly terrifying
I don't know what I am but something is certainly wrong with me. I can see that my grandmother was not treated well by her parents. My mother was not treated well. I was not treated well. Down the line it goes. I don't know what's wrong with me and I wish I could stop it just like you. All I can do is go to therapy and hope that I do a good enough job at being a mother that my children don't become hollow and carry it out into the world.
Mental Healness' channel is a great resource in my opinion girl. He is a narcissist and has been in therapy for 4 years, helping people dealing with narcissists become aware as well as a good example how to become a self aware narcissist and work on yourself. He refuses to let anyone tell him he can't be a loving father to his kids, a loving husband, and a good person. ❤ Also, I'm so sorry for the abuse you experienced in your life and 100% know those deep wounds from psychological and physical abuse are not your fault.
@@reginafarias Seeing as though you're happy flinging crap around- here's an update. I went to a psychiatrist. I'm not a narcissist. My mother most likely is and I've shown obvious signs of trauma from being gaslit. I show a degree of childhood neglect and as a result I am under developed emotionally, much like in a teenage phase. My mother most likely got that way because my grandfather shows signs of being a grandiose narcissist and my grandmother shows signs of being a covert narcissist.
Now 😊 Perhaps you should stop randomly assuming things about people on the internet based on a few lines when people are trying to grieve and heal. You're either a troll, an angry person or someone who has severely lost perspective on life. Good bye.
Bn00
@thelourensfamily8048 the starseeds are supposed to stop the generational curse. The 144k, are you one? Stop worrying and trust. I'm experiencing the same trying to not be a narcissist and heal but a change happened after all the abuse.
Thank you for this video. I was told by a therapist that it was possible to take me mentally back to the point where I 'got stuck' developmentally (due to abuses) as a young child and start again and build those experiences differently. After working with them, and when the therapist wasn't able to, I blamed myself and didn't go back. Afterwards I read a lot and watched videos on this subject, and came to this conclusion and felt a lot better knowing that what was done was done, and it was about now, rather than trying to relearn experiences in a different way as an adult and apply them to my child self.
Sounds like you have come to a wise conclusion involving CHOICE. We cannot change past events but we can CHOSE how we treat others.
So i often wondered as an abuse survivor if i was a narcissist. I think maybe what the therapist was trying to communicate was self parenting. Yes, you can’t change the past but you can reinterpret it. In my experience it takes a lot of grieving and sorting out responsibilities. Hardest thing Ive ever had to do. If you had ideal parents how would they treat you, what would they say? Do that to yourself, as best you can, being gentle and patient.
Oh,
My poor children.
Both terrified, they they will turn into their father.
Broken, young people.
And me, The Enabler !!
Conditional love is not really love. The love does not exist, here; it is a false stand-in. Good Heavens, this video is deep. ♡&☮︎
oegw
"The belief is the perception" .......Only you can choose your beliefs 😁😁😁 Seems to me that you have. You allow people to tell you who you are. Now reverse engineer your thought pathway reaction to understand why this gave you an anxiolytic feeling 💚💚💚
There are several narcs in my family. Growing up, I'd seen two severe narcissists develop from polar opposite environments: one was severely abused, while the other one was spoiled rotten by several enablers. Regardless, both environments ensured that they didn't learn object constancy and empathy.
Many roads lead to NarcLand.
The spoiled rotten path intrigues me
@@sarahfranco6802 The one who was spoiled rotten was my brother. When he was 6, he learned that if he pretended to be disabled, he could get away with not needing to do his homework. Even his teachers enabled him. When trying to intimidate others mostly failed, he quickly figured out that feeling sorry for himself would almost always reap rewards, especially sympathy. That's exactly how he became a covert narcissist.
@@aleciad7218 oooooh pretty interesting. Thank you for answering
Being spoiled is also a form of emotional neglect.
This is so finally so illuminating. Brilliant! Was one of your first followers way back in the day but this one really wraps it up. You were the first voice about narcissim and it has changed my life.
You are helping so so many people, thank you for all your time, work and consideration. You Mr. Vankin are saving lives, literally not metaphorically, thank you from the bottom of my heart for illuminating the causes of these destructive behaviors so insightfully well, your are brilliant and your words have helped me immensely, thank you.
Finally someone is explaining things with clear language and definitions. Thank you. I super appreciate you always citing sources so we can follow the trail. It's filling in all the gaps in my knowledge and helps me make sense of this "visceral knowing" from my experiences merging with my cognitive understanding. "The Body Keeps the Score" and Sam Vaknin is calling the game play by play.
Most NPD videos are put out by "targets" for narcissistic supply and credentialed mental health professionals. You bring a different perspective. Not only are you credentialed ,but also have NPD. No one else can get me "in the head " of someone with NPD like you can. I was very disheartened to hear your belief that the NPD damage is mostly irreversible.
I have developed so much compassion for my older sister and younger brother who are narcissists one overt the other covert that I act as their supply when I can. I suppose I have overcome some of the victimization and developed boundaries and a stronger sense of self. The greatest help to me is to have an enlightened master who is a woman i follow in India. She expresses the unconditional love my mother never gave. I heard about her when working in an adolescent mental health clinic. The head psychiatrist told me about her, saying " I believe no one greater than her has been born for centuries." She is the ultimate healer.
Who is she?
@@Em-pt4fm Sri Mata Amritanandamayi Devi, otherwise known as Amma , the hugging Saint.
You can look her up on the internet. I could not describe her and do justice to her goodness and greatness!
Ah my life has been blessed by some truly great philosophers of my downright hectic time; prof Richard Wolff.... prof Sam vakin.....
I had a husband who was the most malignant, sadistic and nearly psychopathic creature imaginable, and my observations about his making are that he was a product of both types of abuse that you describe. On the one hand mommy was the coddler, who worshipped and also sexualized him, making him a sort of surrogate partner and essentially treating him like a little princeling. Daddy was intermittently grandiose and punishing to the whole family and was also, likely, a narcissist. There was absolutely no consistent discipline, but dad’s occasional over-reactions. Much of the time the parents acted as if they thought Lord of the Flies was a parenting manual. (This, of course is just what I’ve managed to deduce from his accounts and those of his parents and brothers) He spent his childhood literally torturing his brother who was two years younger and doing the same to certain kids at school. I can practically hear his parents mouthing the standard line “boys will be boys,” as they brush off his incredible sadism as perfectly normal. His mother has actually described to me his conduct disorder during childhood, which she believed to be pretty normal. I’ve seen the type of narcissist created by total adulation throughout childhood, but in the ones I’ve known in that category, the extreme sadism was missing. There’s casual sadism, but not the premeditated and continuous campaigns of total personal destruction that my husband specialized in. I look at where he came from, though, and I see that there was absolutely NO chance for the child to form any kind of realistic self concept.
Your discussion of religion is sheer genius. Mind blown.
When I hear this , I feel sorry for them , they are really patients.
Reminds me of the late wonderful Dr Bradshaw
He spoke often of the shame based wounded child. RIP
I have watched and been helped by many of your videos and this video right here explains so so much of the mechanics of a narcs thinking that it is essential to know, thank you
Yes. Children can. I did. I was 11 years old, when I developed Trixie, the opposite of goody two shoes Hadley. I also developed Charlie to protect me. I continued adding new splits. I finally killed them all and Developed Jivan. My permanent adult false self.
What great content. Every parent should watch.
Thank you prof. Vaknin, love from Iran
This is what I always wondered; is he aware of his seemingly delusional proclamations? It's so utterly frustrating when they insist that these delusions of grandiosity are the truth.
My understanding is the narcissists teaches the golden child the narcissists traits and encourage their warped world on this child x they are making a younger version of themselves and sadly children learn from what they see and are encouraged to do by the adults around them x these children may be ok and not do as the narcissists wants but this has to happen early on as if it doesn't they are very likely to be narcissistic if they dont learn better before they hit their late teens sadly x
This is true in some cases, but not in the majority of cases.
@@samvaknin is there studys on this that shows how this can happen? x
@@samvaknin true as the "scapegoat" is more than likely to be the one who manifests coping mechanisms
Another subject I would like to see discussed is adopted adult raising children. I have adopted daughter who at times I think is disconnected
This is master piece of understanding ...I can perfectly relate with my experience .....
Yes I've learnt to say "good job" instead of "you're awesome"
Take it one step further and instead of saying good job and always focusing on the outcome try and focus and say praise on the child's efforts, regardless of the outcome.
This Is 💯 Truth completely this is what happened with my ex past undiagnosed covert NPD girlfriend thanks sam
This is beyond wonderful and I would personally 'disagree' only in the point that the hole is somewhat filled by loving ones own children with the love the parent himself did not receive from his own
Very informative respected speaker!
13:50, 15:00, 16:22, 18:15, 22:00 Individuation phase - 30:20-34:14, 36:36, 38:40, 39:10, 40:00, 40:30, 41:25, 42:00, 43:00, 45:50, 46:50, 50:20->
First time I have seen a sad face on prof
How an ordinary parent can't provide such education without being educated?!?
I am all for education classes in parenting as a condition for having children.
Professor, you have informed us about the development of Narcissism and simular personality disorders. What are some explinations for people who were( in infancy and early childhood) subjected to the same abuses including simular and greater durations and severities but did not become Narcissists themselves? At what point during or after recognition of behavior is behavioral accountability an option?
Watch the From Child to Narcissist playlist.
I see you now 😄😄😄 Thank you for your gift, my friend.
My sons mother , told him that there's a better father out there, she just messed up her relationship with him... I believe its so no matter how good a father i am, I could never live up to his now imaginary father that is out there somewhere
Yeah, they do that. My mom sabotaged our whole family's ability to even see my dad, not physically, but outside of the story she had built around him.
I don't know what to say except, make sure you spend one on one time with your kid/kids preferably without the mother present at all (something like camping, perhaps) and don't insult the mother (because that will look like proof) but just maybe mention that she might not be being truthful when she talks about you/other family members and leave it at that. Proving your quality might be impossible in that situation but at least you are in the parent position and not a sibling (which is harder still).
Filipino parents very controlling
What of narcissist that are well educated? Two masters
You generally talk about mother. It is understandable as the mother is the main figure and impact during child's development. However, is it enough just to have a mother while there is a dead inside or malfunctioning father? I also wonder what is the impact of the relatives during the childhood. If a family has no relatives or close friends, can only a mother would be enough for adequate emotional development of a kid?
I think so. As long as the mother is healthy and engaging the child during development. My situation is pretty much a dead ringer for your question. Pretty much I'm all my child has got. Father is dead inside and there's no family it's pretty much all on me the mom. And I'll tell ya this, after leaving the abusive dad, I've seen my child flourish and thrive. The healthier I get the healthier she gets. The more we work on our stuff the better we get. My child is so confident and has such an amazing curiosity for life now that she's away from her dad and feeling safe and comfortable. I'm a mom who shows up everyday and gives it all I got. I think it's more than enough for my kid. Of course I wish we had more relatives and a healthy father. I'm sure that would add to the richness of any child's life and development. However, I think mom is the main figure and makes the most important role in shaping the child. I think Sam would likely agree, and I base that statement on many videos I've seen of his where mother's role in child's upbringing is center stage for shaping the nature of that child.
I'm curious if you asked the question because you are also a mom with no family and are doing it on your own and wanna know if you'll be enough for your child?! Because my answer would be, YES!!!
In other words, my ten-year-old son is doomed?
Ferenczi Sándor he was one (not 2) psychologist.
How to help the child who has been severely abused (verbal, sexual, physical, psychological abuse) by caregivers and parents????
I wish I knew also but what I'm doing with my child is getting her into therapy. And I'm also just validating all feelings, I let them have their emotions big or small. We have meltdowns in public on the daily. The other day we ended up sitting on the pavement outside the library and just let her scream and cry. And then afterwards when she calmed down I told her I loved her and that we'd get thru these scary feelings together.
I think something important for a caregiver of a child struggling with issues related to trauma, abuse, and neglect is to make sure you don't get triggered. I took a 13 week parenting class and it's helped me learn to navigate the scary emotions. I used to get triggered or upset when my child got upset. Now I am very patient. If I get triggered I take deep breaths and remind myself that my child's feelings aren't mine. Staying regulated as the caregiver enables you to help the child co-regulate. It's a struggle considering anything I say to try and help my child in those moments results in blood curdling screams from my child. However, my remaining calm does help her to come down faster. Afterwards I try and love on her and talk to her.
I think the main advice I would give is to understand the "acting out" behaviors doesn't make the child a bad kid. The child is acting out because they're hurting inside. They desperately want someone to hear them and connect with them in those moments. See thru the behaviors and meltdowns and try and see the soul of the child needs love and understanding. However, sometimes kids that have been abused have trouble trusting and letting people comfort and love them. If you can not take things personal and keep showing up for the child through all the hard times, eventually the child will trust you and see you care.
I dunno, that would be my advice. I'm still in the early stages tho. But those are my thoughts in response to your question.
@@jamiejokersin354 thank you. God knows how much I needed this. So grateful for your input ❤️
Thank you
Hi Sam. Not related, but what do you think of Nietzsche's work?
Join my new Nothingness channel.