My only question regarding this technique is the "restraing part". I don't believe a child should be held when kicking and swinging. I agree you should stay close and if you can stop a punch or a bite definitely do so but not to restrain. Could you please clarify?
We only contain, using great tenderness, when it is necessary to keep everyone safe. A child does not want to hurt us or another child. When they do, that adds SHAME on top of the fear that is driving the aggression. It is our job to keep everyone safe and somethings that requires gentle tender containment.
Hi Alisar, just a thought : at this age kids' brains don't understand negation, they don't hear the "not". You could try replacing your sentences by positive ones, telling him what to do, instead of what not to do: instead of "don't run on the pavement", try " we ned to walk on the pavement". Instead of "don't hit", try " stroke gently". It's a hard habit to take but it's worth it, it really makes a difference!
Ive tried my hole life to guide my son put down boundaries e c t i was in a very difficult situation with the father turning my family against me i wasnt allowed be a parent he stopped going to school and dad told him that was ok today hes nearly 30 and the situation is still the same hes angry won't talk to me or his other sibling the pain of wat we've suffered is unimaginable i find it impossible to keep going
What about a young child who attacks his parents, with punches, kicks and throwing things at them. Who runs away when they try and validate. What do you suggest then?
This is a lot, but by using the tools of Special Time and rough housing play you can allow time for the child to feel seen and get needs met, Setting Limits and Staylistening gives opportunity to offload the feelings. Feelings should be allowed, so follow the child when he runs away, just stay close and calm, if hitting and kicking occurs hold the limit on safety ("I can't let you hurt me, and a hand on the leg or arm that is being used violently), while allowing the expression of feeling. The behavior shows that somewhere the child has stored fear. It's worth finding out if the pregnancy, birth or infant stage was difficult, but it isn't necessary to help the child. Do check the articles on our site for more in- depth answers. This is a good place to start: www.handinhandparenting.org/2018/03/childrens-aggression-comes-one-thing/ Sending our warmth and hugs.
Is this appropriate for all ages? My son is 16 months, and I sort of feel like his 'aggression' is much more exploration at this point. I'm trying to set limits without anything more than a "no, don't hit mommy in the face" but not emotional reaction (but it is hard!), but I can't tell. It only really happens when I'm carrying him on the subway.
So what do you do when you calmly saying I can’t let you hit me and practice this method just as you’ve said over and over but the behavior consists! Mother spend consistent quality time daily along with practicing the no drama discipline method and works over time doing everything she can right. Nothing seems to work he is also spitting and head butting mom now! Concerned Grandmother seeking advice and tools toward a positive outcome.
Hi Concerned Grandma. Aggression can be, what we call, an Emotional Project - meaning that it takes using ALL our Tools together - especially Mom getting Listening Time. Mom probably needs more support using Hand in Hand and encouragement to actually physically stop the hitting. If Mom were to work with us, we would make sure she is getting Listening Time and we would ask about the child's birth or early medical intervention or a new sibling - these are all events that can kick up fear in a child. We would suggest that Mom join our Parent Club Community where she can get daily support, Listening Time and videos such as "How to Staylisten to Aggression while keeping everyone safe" There is a REASON that the behavior is happening. We would help Mom get to the underlying reason to affect HEALING. www.handinhandparenting.org/2016/08/are-secret-fears-driving-your-childs-aggression/
My only question regarding this technique is the "restraing part". I don't believe a child should be held when kicking and swinging. I agree you should stay close and if you can stop a punch or a bite definitely do so but not to restrain. Could you please clarify?
We only contain, using great tenderness, when it is necessary to keep everyone safe. A child does not want to hurt us or another child. When they do, that adds SHAME on top of the fear that is driving the aggression. It is our job to keep everyone safe and somethings that requires gentle tender containment.
Hi Alisar, just a thought : at this age kids' brains don't understand negation, they don't hear the "not". You could try replacing your sentences by positive ones, telling him what to do, instead of what not to do: instead of "don't run on the pavement", try " we ned to walk on the pavement". Instead of "don't hit", try " stroke gently". It's a hard habit to take but it's worth it, it really makes a difference!
Ive tried my hole life to guide my son put down boundaries e c t i was in a very difficult situation with the father turning my family against me i wasnt allowed be a parent he stopped going to school and dad told him that was ok today hes nearly 30 and the situation is still the same hes angry won't talk to me or his other sibling the pain of wat we've suffered is unimaginable i find it impossible to keep going
What about a young child who attacks his parents, with punches, kicks and throwing things at them. Who runs away when they try and validate. What do you suggest then?
This is a lot, but by using the tools of Special Time and rough housing play you can allow time for the child to feel seen and get needs met, Setting Limits and Staylistening gives opportunity to offload the feelings. Feelings should be allowed, so follow the child when he runs away, just stay close and calm, if hitting and kicking occurs hold the limit on safety ("I can't let you hurt me, and a hand on the leg or arm that is being used violently), while allowing the expression of feeling. The behavior shows that somewhere the child has stored fear. It's worth finding out if the pregnancy, birth or infant stage was difficult, but it isn't necessary to help the child. Do check the articles on our site for more in- depth answers. This is a good place to start: www.handinhandparenting.org/2018/03/childrens-aggression-comes-one-thing/
Sending our warmth and hugs.
Is this appropriate for all ages? My son is 16 months, and I sort of feel like his 'aggression' is much more exploration at this point. I'm trying to set limits without anything more than a "no, don't hit mommy in the face" but not emotional reaction (but it is hard!), but I can't tell. It only really happens when I'm carrying him on the subway.
So what do you do when you calmly saying I can’t let you hit me and practice this method just as you’ve said over and over but the behavior consists! Mother spend consistent quality time daily along with practicing the no drama discipline method and works over time doing everything she can right. Nothing seems to work he is also spitting and head butting mom now! Concerned Grandmother seeking advice and tools toward a positive outcome.
Hi Concerned Grandma. Aggression can be, what we call, an Emotional Project - meaning that it takes using ALL our Tools together - especially Mom getting Listening Time. Mom probably needs more support using Hand in Hand and encouragement to actually physically stop the hitting. If Mom were to work with us, we would make sure she is getting Listening Time and we would ask about the child's birth or early medical intervention or a new sibling - these are all events that can kick up fear in a child. We would suggest that Mom join our Parent Club Community where she can get daily support, Listening Time and videos such as "How to Staylisten to Aggression while keeping everyone safe" There is a REASON that the behavior is happening. We would help Mom get to the underlying reason to affect HEALING. www.handinhandparenting.org/2016/08/are-secret-fears-driving-your-childs-aggression/
You can share this link with Mom tinyurl.com/Parent-Club-Community. She can reach out to me at parentclub@handinhandparenting.org
at this age and up until 5-6y.o apparently...