My family system does this and I wonder why this is a thing. Perhaps it’s because the most toxic person is least likely to own their stuff and do any healing so people would rather enable them than rock the boat? Maybe it’s because the most toxic person demands total allegiance and if they don’t get it from you, you become the next target of their rage? Or maybe it’s because the family members are asleep and unaware that the toxicity of their family is actually toxic, even though it feels familiar and oddly comfortable. Allowing the toxic family member to abuse them and others reinforces and manifests into reality the beliefs their wounded inner child holds. Yes, they’re protecting the toxic person, but ultimately they’re protecting their own denial. It is just too scary to see them for who they really are.
In my family it's always stressed and the person I see as the problem has mental health issues so I need to be understanding. But when she lashes out my reaction is evidence of my selfishness. No matter how well I think I suppress my feelings. Just freezing up is wrong. Then I get in trouble for letting my mental health issues affect the entire family which is absolutely abhorrent!
THIS! One of my maternal cousins decided that it was ok to ask me all these invasive questions as to why I cut my father off and minimizing my needs and emotions. It’s like I’m reaching a point where I am tempted to cut the whole family together. I need to value my mental health because I feel like I’m spiraling deeper into the dark abyss.
To everyone going through a cutoff: You are not alone. Often I feel like I am the only person having to deal with this. But I am not. And you are not. It’s kind of sad but soothing at the same time: we’re so many! There are so many people going through this, just like you. It’s hard to not give in, it’s a fight. Every. Single. Day. Everyday I ask myself if I’m wrong. Am I the bad one? Is it toxic not to reply to the wedding invitation? Is it heartless to delete their number? I know you know how heavy these thoughts weigh. But remember: WE are so many! I don’t know you and you don't know me. But we’re out there! Whenever you feel alone, tell yourself that.
That's such a nice comment! I can't do a cutoff, im reliant and sick. It's comforting though to see others going through all this. It's very lonely being within it when you can't leave but for when I may be able to and even the feelings of so wanting to, it's a comfort to know others are having difficulty with their thoughts and feelings around it too. Love your comment🙏
Thank you for sending out support to all of us out here feeling alone. The guilt of going no contact from my mother (and therefore the rest of the family) is MASSIVE, and the loneliness is almost too much. Especially for my daughter's sake. She doesn't have any brothers or sisters or extended family. It's just hard.
Perfect timing for the holidays, when a lot of us are being guilted by the family members we are no-contact with to come back "for the kids" or "its probably Mom's last Christmas" or because they're hurt we won't play pretend for the holidays. Consequences are hard for toxic people to swallow. Thank you for reiterating this and encouraging me.
I appreciate your videos with your experience and education on these toxic Dynamics..Also as a writer I appreciate how you share reflective stories that also help assist us in recognizing toxicity, apply boundaries and foster healing...
As if it wasn't enough, they have to come and recruit your friends in a town you moved 2,300 miles away from decades ago. Their bullying HATRED just never stops!
Absolutely! Sometimes I think that most toxic person might just be the sibling, the "attacker" type, advocating for the toxicity of the family dynamic. Strangely, in a toxic family dynamic, this person is catered to and held to very "high standards" by the toxic family. Anyone else have a family system set up like this? A controlling attacking narcissistic sibling who does as they please, claims to be big on family, but fails to see how flawed the family really is..or that they are enabling the toxicity...watering it so that it'll grow...because thar person is miserable and only knows what it is like to be miserable and doesn't seek change. (They must like it; they complain about everything all the time. ) But this sibling sees nothing wrong with the family dynamic and, talking to strangers, they'd think she had a normal family just talking about it
This year, I didn’t say “but that’s my mother…” I didn’t stand in front of that ‘train’, and wonder why I was hurting…I didn’t make excuses…I honored myself 🙂
My family is the "looks good on paper" type and emotionally distant. My older brother is an abusive narcissist and everybody acts like there's nothing wrong, especially our parents. I'm not completely no contact but I haven't celebrated a holiday in years. For me, the hard part is, you can't really talk to people about it because unless you have a similar situation, there is just no way people can understand and there's no easy way to explain the toxic dynamics without them looking at you crazy. That feels lonely. As stated, at least with overt issues people understand and you don't have to explain anything outside of a simple statement like, "yeah my family situation is messy with alcohol abuse.... "ohhh I understand! That must be tough!" The first couple years I stopped attending family holidays, I was fine. It was just another day for me where I happen to get the day off from work, paid. I just hate the reaction of others when they find out you don't plans. "Omg, you're going to be alone?? You're not going to see your family?? You shouldn't be alone on a holiday. Come to my house." Yeah, no thanks. I tried that one time and it was super depressing to see what I don't have with my family. Everyone was super nice, warm, and welcoming. I went home and cried myself to sleep that night.
Totally agree, that seeing what you don't have hurts more. Chosen solitude is not loneliness, it's empowering. The world media imposes these false lights, forced joy gatherings on us. I will joy in my Saviour alone with my little ones, no company is better than bad company!
I finally recognized the exact same dynamic in my family of origin- overt, malignant narcissistic older brother who's bullied me all my life, enabled and supported by our covert narcissistic mother. It sounds like your friends mean well when they invite you to join them for holiday celebrations. You might get more satisfaction and pleasure from spending the holidays taking care of the caretakers who must work through the holidays: the police department, fire station, animal shelter, sanitation department, etc. in your city or neighborhood runs 24/7, no holiday breaks. You could deliver anything from a card, snacks, board games or playing cards to a fire or police station, sanitation office, animal shelter etc. to say "thank you" to the people who,.like you, are away from home and family for the holiday.
I totally feel you on being selective with whom you share your family dynamics. Not many people understand, and they do more harm when they make statements that aren't so understanding. I hope you all can celebrate this holiday season uniquely. Whether alone or with people who understand..we all deserve to be happy and loved during this time.
My family also "look good on paper" and are emotionally distant. I totally get it. But not everybody understands. I think that covert toxicity is more difficult to deal with, because from the outside, everything looks "fine". At least with overt issues, other people generally understand... when it comes to covert issues, you're the one viewed as crazy or too sensitive or dramatic. I just wanted to let you know that I completely understand.
Thats how they do it. No respect for you as a person. Its all about power and control with a narcissist. Evil and vacant. Consider the source and let it go.
My toxic family on my dad's side worked for years promoting a false narrative against my mother. Giving in would mean alienating her as payback for divorcing him 40 years ago. When I refused, my narcissistic dad and brother went after my husband (now my ex) and my kids to recruit them as allies. It didn't work but they're still at it. It's being passed onto the next generation. My brothers kids are being taught the false narrative and conditioned to alienate my mom (their grandmother). Its all so sad but I've had tremendous growth since I left. I've flourished and thrived and built a network of supportive friends. My goal now is to find the right time to reverse the narrative and expose the truth of what really happened.
This time of year is really difficult for me. It’s been 4 years since I went no contact with my family. And my life has only gotten better. I got married, I got a green card, I got my dream job, and lost 50 pounds. It’s been very difficult feeling all alone though. I feel very guilty about the good life I now have and the price I had to pay for it. I can hear my relatives telling me how bad I am for leaving. Anyway… My father was too much. A disturbing, and violent man. I had enough.
I relate so much to what you wrote. I feel like I committed a crime by not wanting to be abused anymore, leaving and then having an own life. Without their approval. All crimes. That's why I feel guilty feeling happy bc I feel it's my job to save them from themselves. As if that was possible but I guess that was kind of my family role
@@solveigrose5537 I no longer delude myself that anyone in my dysfunctional family will be happy when I get healthy. It took decades of work to get there. Self recrimination was ingrained in me from being the scapegoat. Most, if not all, of my beliefs were deeply held unconscious foundational precepts that virtually dictated my thoughts, behaviors, and actions. I love the phrase "Good enough" and was so happy when I could begin to use it and give myself grace for the first time in my life.
Last year, because of the pandemic, I got to spend Christmas completely alone. I didn’t have to give excuses to any family members, answer nosy questions, or compromise on my safety. It was the BEST CHRISTMAS of my life. I was calm, I was happy, I didn’t have to deal with anyone trying to manipulate me or guilt me or make me interact with someone unsafe. So yes, it can be sad to be alone - but for me, it was liberating.
One question I asked myself before I left and after, was :If this were a stranger (or neighbor as you mentioned), would I tolerate, or think it was okay for them to treat me the way I was being treated. This made it a little easier, to see things clearly. Walking away was devastating going through it., but not once have I regretted it. I left 4 years ago. I was given the silent 'Eff you" back from my siblings.. not one of them reached out to ask why, which I think was even more painful. Not being missed was a hard blow indeed, however that also pointed out to me how things really were. My very thick, rose colored glasses were shattered that year, but it is better to be in reality and see things how they really are. Thank you for your spot on videos that address exactly what I endured. I am still healing and appreciate the validations these videos provide to me.
I would never let a neighbor or stranger treat me like crap. My toxic family has been abusing me for decades. I finally had enough and went no contact. I rather be alone than be treated like crap!
I’m relating to the pain of the siblings not reaching out, super painful. I guess I had hoped that siblings would be able to see family dynamics that the parents can’t. All the best in your healing. 🙏
@@relationshipcompass1445 Unfortunately I found the dysfunctional dynamic actually worked for my only sister who was the "golden child." Having been" the scapegoat" I had taken all the family shame and blame. Despite my mother finally realizing the unhealthy dynamic before she died, my married sister was never going to relinquish her elevated position and had gotten very angry & vindictive as she watched my relationship with my widowed mom change. The final cutoff happened when my mom died and my family imploded. So, not only no help from sibling, but the polar opposite.
I think siblings know why we do the cut off, they’re just unwilling to face it themselves. It’s easier for them to pretend everything is fine and make you the scapegoat than to face the uncomfortable truth that their family is toxic. That’s just my opinion and observation within my own family. They’ll chose toxicity over me (the scapegoat) any day as it’s easier to just act like their sister is the crazy one than to look at themselves and their toxic behaviors or admit their family is anything other than perfect. So much so that both my siblings allow my parents to be around their children and to be around them alone for long week or weekend visits! To me that is choosing the abusive parent over your own child. Not ok.
Like you, I have been no contact with the toxic parents for 4 years and like you, not once have I regretted it. Like you, I got the Eff You from a sibling who previously would call me to vent and get validation after dealing with our toxic parents for the holidays, etc. But, boy did she turn on me when I decided I could not take anymore. It is what it is. The fact is, my generalized anxiety disorder has disappeared now that I am no longer participating in the toxicity. I mourn the wonderful parents I never had but not the toxicity I left behind. The realization that there was no way to reconcile or fix our narcissistic parents was a bitter pill to swallow but accepting the bitter truth is way better than continuing to hope and to foster the sweet lies. The truth is the only thing that will set you free.
I started by cutting off an abusive parent. One sibling admits the abuse they got as well but tries to guilt me. I asked them not to do this and they didn’t stop so they are gone now too.
I went through this as well, being chided for not communicating with the father. Who never contacted me anyway even though I was the lone sibling living in the same town as him. They are 14 & 15 years older and had a different relationship with him than I, the family was intact then. They seem to think all things were equal even though we were practically different generations, with different circumstances.
It was a huge wake up call to me when I realized that my sister had a different version of my dad and a different version of my mother. I used to project a lot of my own abuse into my sister and nurture her in ways that weren’t necessary when I could’ve been taking care of myself and all of my inner wounds.
"Orphaned by choice" It's really really weird cutting off covertly harmful family, to the point where it almost seems as if they've died in your life, but you know they're there, and they still send presents at special occasions (but not consistently). Lots of mixed feelings about those gifts.
After a long episode of attempting low-contact, I went no-contact from my parents 6 months ago. It took 42 years of mental & emotional abuse to finally walk away after trying every other option. It's been a relief. My husband, children and I can live peacefully.
Reminds me of the ‘Home Alone ‘ movie programming us children to tolerate our horrible families, and forgiving them and reconnecting at Christmas (next door neighbor).
I come from a family of 11. I learned that it wasn't good enough to cut off one or two. The others would approach you to return and continue your unfavorable role in the family because if you didn't one of them would be assigned it. Holidays alone are hard but ultimately worth the peaceful year(s) that follow.
Wow. What timing!! My 90 year old father ( who I cared for 24/7 the past few months) passed away this past Sunday. I am the youngest by 15 years of 6 siblings. Family heirlooms- 0, but I get to “ clean the house” ( thanks ), invited to the celebration of his life? -0 not invited Bereavement food-0 not even a crumb. I can not wait to never see these people ever again
@ MK Brailsford. I can relate to much of your experience MK. You are not alone. Been in a similar situation and lost virtually my whole family when my mom died in 2007. They attacked on the way out. God bless you for taking care of your father.
I let my mother abuse me for years, never knowing how mind fing she was. My father was more angry/narcissistic and explosive. He didn't hit me until I was 32. I did my cutoff on an Easter Sunday 2 and a half years ago. The holidays seem pointless and petty. I want to celebrate with my 12 year old son but due to being poor and whatnot, we can't afford to rent a house big enough for a tree or anything. Maybe next year 🤷 I don't want us being poor to affect my son. I know it will but I don't want it to. He's turned into the child "who doesn't need anything" which is scary for me. He's just getting over it all too. I hope we straighten out soon. Thank you for your kindness. Me and my wife love your videos. We've both said, "it's like he was with us"!!! We've adopted you. If we ever celebrate holidays everyone in this comment section is invited 💚
aw this is so sweet. I wouldnt worry about big houses and trees, to kids having kind parents means so much more. There are lot of poor families with big houses and big trees. You are doing great. Happy holidays.
Dear Stephanie, I wanted to share what I did one Christmas, post cut off, which was a tabletop, tiny Christmas tree. I'm talking 3-4 inches tall! I found battery operated itty bitty lights, and miniature ornaments as well! You could make a new tradition, like singing We need a little Christmas! Don't worry about material things like a big tree, because the safety and love you and your wife provide, and not having all the toxic stress, is going to bring happy memories in the years to come!
myself and my younger sister (19 and 16) have been openly encouraging our parents to cut off one set of grandparents because of their inappropriate behaviour and the stress that they cause for over 5 years now. more recently (within the last 2 years) our mother has been pulling the "we wouldn't want you two to not invite us over for xmas when we're old" argument and we have explicitly stated that if her behaviour causes us or our potential children even half the level of distress these grandparents put us through, she will not be allowed to know our addresses.
I just got off the phone with somebody who is trying to negotiate my abuser into my holiday plans when the notification for this video popped up. Couldn't have come at a better time for me. Love and light for you and yours, my guy❤
@@akusuaakoto6702 thank you! I'm fortunate to have a supportive partner and friends who understand, so at the very least, have safe people to lean on while handling family issues. I hope that all is well for you❤
When I was 14 I tried to ask for help from the school. We had family therapy, but because of my parents good reputations it was about how I could be more in tune with the family and less difficult. I remember I had thoughts on"what if I had bruises to prove that something isn't right at home" Mother's version of my upbringing is that she tried to make me a better person and successful in life.
Abusers cultivate good reputations because it helps them get away with it. People assume it’s more likely to occur in low socioeconomic families, but, that stereotype helps abusers avoid detection.
in year 2 of cutting off my family.. this video is a perfect representation of how im feeling.. it does get lonely but its for the better and it gets better each day
This video popped up at the right time. Thanks Patrick! I came to the conclusion that enough is enough. Although I want my family, I don't want to be around people who think it's okay to abuse me, re-traumatize me, and have a very different idea of who I am. My peace and my safety are too important to me.
“The system protects the most toxic person.” OMG. I left my home at 17, left my my home town at 19, and eventually left the country. Now decades later, I have long been married to a non-American who has few family ties & no religious affiliations. We have raised our daughters with those traditions that bring us joy, but not obligation. We have lass community than some, but far more peace than many. Distance and time have been my best healers & shielded my girls from a great deal of insanity. No guilt at this point. Just enormous relief.
Thank you for this one. My mother summons me for Christmas day because she ''wants to be happy'' and then when I said no, that would be too challenging for me as she'd stonewalled me on the issue we still needed to discuss, she let rip on me and told me I was abusive, my behaviour was outrageous, she hates what I've done to the family. Wow. She hates the way I feel entitled to shout at them and abuse them. There has been no communication because my mother is 100% committed to never resolving the elephants in the room and just talking about the weather and the garden and the turkey.
I survived and am still surviving by being submissive and compliant....I really want to change....My family is more covert and I myself sometimes get so confused that it even feels really difficult sometimes to explain to people what happened in my childhood...and then I can´t find the words, put the scenarios together anymore and I feel stupid as if I am just making a big deal...
No one else has to understand it but you. And abusive people are masters at hiding it so don't feel stupid. I have met many, many abusive people and they will never, ever admit fault. Unless it is to sucker you back in. Keep watching videos and educating yourself. Just remember, people who really love you would not abuse you. Learn about the phases of narcissism and prepare/take care of yourself. Best of luck to you.
My family has lots of covert manipulation and denial, etc. it all perpetuates there status quo and control and conditional love (ie for the obiedirnt ones). I can relate with your sentiments. I’ve chalked up my feelings to being submerged in the smoke and mirrors for so long. But once you cut through that, and move through the cognitive dissonance, you can start to do things differently. Your reality is valid
Thank you for acknowledging the covert abuse. That kept me in the dark for a long time and I still sometimes find myself gaslighting myself because "there's nothing really happening". The glaring issue in the family is my mom's parents. I openly told her the other day, after a visit after a long time, that I just don't feel good around them and I never did. Before that I also, quite in detail, told her how my grandfather's abuse of my grandmother and others influenced me badly in childhood, and their deflecting of what was happening (they're very codependent) even more. Even though she now knew all this, her answer still was "well... they're your grandparents". As in, "tough luck, bear it, you must". She's very much stuck in the system and she's the toughest link for me to the family. I would have cut them off much easier and sooner if it wasn't for my mom. She's their victim but she's on their side more than on mine and can't see things for what they are. Very codependent. Currently debating within myself, what to do. I would love to just have some sort of a relationship just with her, without the rest of the family, but it's like the family is intertwined within her. Regarding her, I really don't know what to do. It's all quite heart breaking for me but your videos help a lot. I thought I would share here where others might relate too. Thanks to anyone who've read this. May you all be well!
I had a very very similar issue. I wanted to keep a relationship with my mother, because I felt that she and I had a chance at a healthy relationship. But she was far too entwined in everyone else's abuse. I cut the entire relationship off after she came to me with an unreasonable request, at the behest of my step-father. I have realized since the cut-off, that her behavior cannot be separated from my step-father. I have since moved houses, and gone through some major milestones in my life, and it has been hard not having her know about them, but I am much happier since I separated them. I read somewhere a description that said, "I'm grieving the family/mother I never had, rather than missing what I did have."
@@Solonneysa oh I relate. Because of the intertwine but kinda for other reasons too, I'm now telling my mother less and less about my real life. It's hard but ultimately yeah, I realize I do not miss what the relationship was but rather what I thought it was... Best of luck with everything!!
I appreciate your comment! I was disowned by my narc father and then decided to cut off all contact with my nuclear family, minus my disabled sister. He’s tried bull like guilting me about abandoning my struggling sister and my mom throughout “the hardest chapter of their lives…” literally, I was disowned. What?? But it’ll always be my fault and I’ll always be the one who asks for too much because I had enough self respect not to beg him for forgiveness. (I was disowned over putting down boundaries in a text as an engaged adult living with my fiancé and refusing to be treated like a perpetual thirteen year old). His disowning me has become the biggest breath of fresh air I’ve ever had! But it is really sad to know my mom is always going to choose his side over mine and excuse and accept his behaviors. I used to be really close with her, but I realized I can’t have a relationship with her because she and he are a 2-for-1 deal. :/ it sucks… but it’s not our fault! I hope you’re doing well on your healing journey! 🎉
Another way to look at this is your mother is used as a hostage. Get yourself out first and if she's asked to be saved, then help her out. But I find lots of victims don't want to do the work and it's more pain for you as you're trying to recover. 💪💪
I've been no-contact with my alcoholic NPD dad and BPD mom for about 6 years now. This Christmas season feels especially hard and lonely. My husband doesn't have any family either so we're very alone. Everyone else has their own thing going on. Christmases with my parents were always highly traumatizing and terrifying and I don't ever want to have anything to do with them again but I do feel very lonely and sad this time of year... and so so angry too. Mostly, I've been able to forgive and let go but now and then, it can be really hard.
@@JennieMaeJune And the pandemic doesn't help either. We can't take our baby anywhere and that's even more isolating for us. Too bad we can't hang out over the holidays.
I spent a few years of holidays completely alone, with no one even sending cards, and that was before I cut off from my family. I have had a lonely life because I don't have any family. My father's family was never allowed in our lives. Almost all are gone now. But then I realize that it is not traumatic or terrorizing anymore for me. So there are other ways I have been re-inventing my life, and it doesn't look like anything it was before. It doesn't always mean it is easy or with just happiness and laughter. But taking invitations and making the best of the 'other' days around the holidays. And trying to consentrate on seeing what is good. I still may be sad a little, but it is not nearly what it used to be. I have been fortunate to be married, but are alone. So you are not alone in your circumstances. Hope you can have a better December than maybe you thought possible.
My partner has had lots of difficult family dynamics over the years we've been together. One thing I worked with him around was the scripts about holiday celebrations. We talk about making new traditions. It's great if there are children, but even without it allows you to acknowledge the partnership
Sorry to double-comment; somehow it seems impolite. It might be helpful to someone to consider that anyone who expects you, say in the name of "family", to suffer being further terrorised and dominated, is demanding that you silently pick up the tab so they don't have to feel uncomfortable when abusers howl and bellow and thrash about upon being forced to wear consequences for their bad behaviour, and then possibly turn towards them as an alternative target. Enablers are cowards.
Yeah, that’s the hardest realisation. So many that claim to ‘love’ you (and they do in their own toxic way) will allow you to be sacrificed so that they don’t suffer the same abuse. They let you be scapegoat so they don’t have to be. Thank God my brother and I are more aware x
Yeah… I was the one watching the scapegoat. It’s not a pretty position to be the one witnessing the abuse and being torn between whether or not to respond. Mind F-ery. 😑 I watched my sister scapegoated our whole lives (still is) and then got to be scapegoated a bit myself at times with my mil and neither position is pleasant. The guilt and shame from witnessing and doing nothing is almost as bad if not worse than actual abuse would’ve been… At least you know someone’s against you and you’re being authentic if you stand up and someone abuses you.
I left my abusive family in 1974, ran off. Never there since even for a holiday. My parents ever likely noticed anything “wrong.”. They were too consumed with themselves
Same- Covert Abuse. Aunt invited everyone to a dinner... Same aunt that allowed her son to molest and abuse everyone, and never got him help- she said the "Jehovah's witnesses" took care of that family issue- never once an apology, no remorse nothing. Her son is a career criminal, Bipolar, and narcissistic to the max. Has never accomplished anything and has seriously injured his own sisters. and she thinks...inviting everyone to her house for dinner...so we can all sit around and play nice with our abusers... And I've politely declined every time and she pretends like nothing is wrong- This was the last time I played nice and Im going to outright tell her where she can put any other invitation...
I'm glad you said family members don't have to understand why you've chosen to cut somebody out of your life. I'm in the middle of cutting off my sister and her husband, and the manipulation and shaming is strong with my mom. Tonight I started feeling guilty when she told me that my sister said I was being extremely rude because I haven't spoken to her in months. Then I remembered all the times my sister has been condescending and hostile towards me.
My father sexually abused me growing up. My mother knew and blamed me. My siblings sat by and did nothing as my father verbally berated me in front of my young sons, on occasions my mum served dinner to everyone else but me at family dinners. I was told I’m not allowed to park my car in front of their house. My psychologist, who I saw to help me cope with them, told me “don’t go back”. They slandered me to extended family. Now they blame me for not going there very often. I live across town, work long hours and study at uni. This is what it’s like to be the family scapegoat for people with no conscience or ethics, who compensate with PR for the outside world. My sister’s performance is jaw dropping. These situations are beyond our control, so we have to care for our immediate families, work and study with everything we’ve got, and find our own family/community. I wish you all the very best, and read your comments with love and understanding. Schmaltzy cliche alert - be kind to yourself.
If you're lucky, you get to the point where you realize life is too short to waste on anything that doesn't lift or nurture you and it becomes easy to walk away. I personally don't mind being alone but I know some people hate it. I'd encourage those people to go out & do things they enjoy & hopefully this helps them find a community and a new and better "family". Change is hard but its worth it!
I escaped my abusive father and covert narcissistic mother in March 2021 and have been No Contact with them since. This is my first year without them and every holiday and anniversary and birthday so far has hurt but been bearable. My birthday is in December so this will be my first birthday and Christmas without them, and I've already been getting nightmares and anxious about it. This video couldn't have come at a better time. Thank you so much.
I didn’t speak to my family at all this thanksgiving… I didn’t call them and they didn’t call me. I didn’t cross my mind until a couple days later… super sad the more I thought about it.
I've had no calls on any holidays or birthdays since my cutoff. I was constantly invisibile to them but they would always say they loved me, forcibly. Them not trying to contact me at all is affirmation that I did the right thing and actually makes me feel good. I will not let those people tell me who I am or how to feel ever again and it's liberating.
I cut my family off over 5 years ago. I’m a survivor of CSA. They have no problem protecting the abuser. Best choice I ever made. My mom still tries to guilt me into joining the family circle again. She doesn’t understand. She also tries to replace my nightmare memories of my abuser with her happy ones with my abuser
This will be my first year not at the family gathering and this video came at the right time. I just got out of a heated argument with my mother, I know this will definitely be best for my mental health!
Patrick . I’ve been looking forward to spending holidays alone. Being around family is draining and reminds me about all the bad parts I once operated in . I’m good no need to feel lonely. This is the time to cater to myself period. I no longer feel obligated. I’m 23 now and I refuse to go to the new year doing something i don’t want to do
Started crying watching this. I'm in process of getting ready to have a major cut off with some members of my family and really needed all the advice given in this video. I appreciate all youve posted and provide as a resource and at 33 and finally awaking to my mother's gaslighting and abuse, these videos have provided comfort in knowing I'm not "being dramatic" and indeed being better for my health and my marriage.
I was lucky. My family moved from New Zealand to the UK when I was 21. I stayed in NZ and like you, I did loads of positive things like give up smoking, learn to play guitar and met the love of my life. There was no big bust up but my mother didn’t write to me for 3 months (no internet in 1985). I didn’t have their new address or even where they lived, it was wonderful. A few years later, they moved back to New Zealand so I moved with my new wife to Australia. 7 years later I had a career opportunity in the UK so my wife and I moved there. One year later, my parents and toxic sister moved back to the UK. My wife and I now live 200 miles away from my family and I get get pressured to visit my now elderly mother (my dad died a couple of years ago). Now my toxic sister puts shit about me not visiting my mother on social media. It hurts but I don’t react and maintain zero contact. Thanks for confirming that I’m doing the right thing.
It's a good topic at this time of year. In my work context, I always at this time try to encourage a little sensitivity to the fact that it might not quite be the season of unmitigated family love for everyone we might tend to assume. I had someone today in my office after asking for a moment just to say they really appreciate it. Though it's a small thing it clearly can make it a little easier. Over the years, I've come to realise that while everyone's stories are particular, losses, disconnection, and social pressures to accept poor treatment at the hands of past and present abusers is much more common than our cultural expectations of everyone barrelling down the happy slide into delirious Christmas cheer ever acknowledge.
Since cutting off toxic family we have had various attacks on us. Family wished to inflict physical harm on us, called child services under false allegations to mess with us, and even went as far as lying about things to certain authorities that would impact how we thrive and survive to feed children. This is all because we want to raise our children better than the drugs, lies, and abuse in our family. We realized it was time to break away from some cycles and as we focus on our home and family every couple weeks there is something new. It’s a clear indication that we need to stand our ground with this and remove them from our lives. It’s sad they are so toxic they cannot see that they are toxic. I can empathize that we hurt them but it’s hurt us to try and fight for a family that doesn’t fight for themselves. We are pained, too but we will always be the villain even though in many ways we are the victim and just want healthy examples of family for our wonderful babies.
Just know that we’re all in this together. It takes time but you will get your power back one step time. I love you all for your encouragement and love to all of us that suffer.
I really love the analogy you used about thinking of your abusive toxic system as a neighbor. When you take family out of its role, you would absolutely never want someone else treating your child or yourself the way that your family does. Thank you! Emotional hangover was everything I had when I did my cut-off time and time again. I would always go back thinking things would change. You've made this very clear.
My partner’s grandma (who she had cut off because that whole side of the family mocked, belittled, and manipulated her for years) just texted her today with a homophobic and transphobic tiktok screenshot “joke” along with saying “happy St. Nicholas Day.” Her family knows I’m trans, and we’re both closeted nonbinary, so it cut deep and she was very upset. Perfect timing for this video to come out though! I think there are struggles with cut-offs when family knows your phone number and how/where to reach you.
@Jonathan a situation like that is on my very long list of why I've made the break this year myself. My dad sent me transphobic jokes among a lot of other things. I've come to the final realization that they are never going to understand me and the abuse will never stop. This trans guy is no longer dealing with parents who are Trump supporters .. to paint a picture.
"Half safe people are NOT safe people." I needed to hear that. I've been hanging onto half-safe people from my family system and in recent weeks they have been subtly putting more and more covert pressure on me to retract the cutoff. At the end of the day, they're not safe, even if they're not as bad as the others.
I’m in the middle of a cut off. I’m feeling so numb. But I feel like it will take some time. Sending my thoughts to anyone doing a cut off around the holidays
Your future self and your childhood self are thanking you so much right now. The greatest results grow in the dark as nature illustrates... You CAN do this, hold on, day break will surely come and this too shall pass 💙
I've recently become aware to a level of mental abuse that I've suffered which I believe originates from toxic parent relationships which I'd internalized as deficits of myself due to undiagnosed autistic traits. My parents weren't evil or bad people, the trauma was more subtle and longterm with few large events. This hindsight and recurring experience of discomfort, exhaustion, and feeling bad after interactions has led me to choose to cutoff today as a grown adult in his 40s. Never thought I'd be here.
My mom wants me to keep visiting her, even though i told her that the visits always leave me feeling hopeless and depressed. Its like just being there again brings back all the old feelings i used to get when i lived there. She says the visits will help me heal, but i know deep down they are keeping me stuck in the trauma. These videos help validate my feelings and my needs. Thank you.
Thank you for this reminder, the holidays can be so hard now (or just difficult in a different way from pre-cutoff). What I always struggle with around these times is people asking me about family members, or will I be spending time with them... seems like it somehow comes up in every random conversation. Then I always feel stuck either pretending nothing is wrong to avoid the topic (which feels dishonest) or saying that we aren't in contact which inevitably leads to the other person asking why and talking about how important family is or how I should be in contact with my family.
Yep! It hurts so much. Hang in and be strong because many people don't really understand or sometimes they have the same and just tolerate it like we did for years. I'm done tolerating it.
People who guilt you about your relationship with your family can reminded, you don't know my family, so that advise isn't helpful here. I am safer and happier without spending time with them End of conversation!
Yes, it’s definitely not a fun conversation. I have started to just, as nonchalantly as possible, say, “I come from an abusive family”. Usually this makes people understand enough and/or uncomfortable enough to not ask any more questions. Most people do not want to hear about abuse and/or are kind enough to not push the subject. It has completely changed the way people follow up to the original question. Some offer up that they have some toxic family members also, some just say “oh, I’m sorry” and move on, some say the seemingly helpful, “no family is perfect” or “every family has something”, etc. All of which are better than the responses when I would simply state that I had gone no contact with my mother. In people’s minds that automatically makes you the bad one and they want answers. However, stating my truth, that my family is abusive, clears up most things for people that they won’t pry. I hope this helps!
@@hannahharrison111 so true, thank you. Yeah it feels like people are so quick to pass judgement while knowing absolutely nothing about my life/situation/decisions, but that "people pleaser" in me has a difficult time contradicting people or shutting down a conversation. Something I'm really working hard to overcome!
Excellent talk, especially for providing the main reason why we must get away from the abusers first - to have the space to recover, to reclaim and love our own true selves. Thanks so much, Patrick.
Moving overseas makes cut off physically easier... but it certainly doesn't make it any less emotionally painful. It's been 12 months now, and while it's been a rollercoaster ride dealing with all the painful emotions of facing childhood trauma head on, the inner peace that comes from standing in MY truth makes it all worthwhile. "Half safe people are not safe" - that really hit home for me today, as I have slowly come to accept that certain family members fall into that category. When you're the only one in the family who can recognise the abuse for what it is, sometimes it makes you wonder, "Am I the crazy one here?"...
Asking myself if I would continue to allow a family member to be in my life, abusing me, if they were a friend or acquaintance, is the best test of all. It has allowed me to let go of guilt at having being cut off from family ties. Just love your videos. Keep them coming. Happy Christmas to all who are recovering from challenging family relationships 🎄❤️🎄
2 years have gone by since I did my family cut off. I had just moved back closer to family, after 20 years away, and it took only a year of repeated boundary crossing for me to cut them off. In that time period a sister that had left the family (who I had not seen in 30 years) died and no one from my family attended the funeral. I am currently delicately trying to reconnect with another sister, and her two daughters, who had been cut out of the family 12 years ago. The two of us, my sister and I, have had many revealing conversations about my mother as our decision to go no contact mirror each other. Boundaries! My mother is unable to accept the boundaries of her adult children and when crossing them is also unwilling to apologize for her actions, in her words “I’ve done nothing wrong”. I have little hope that those remaining siblings in my family system will reach out anytime soon as they like the portrayal of the “Happy Family” that they have erected around themselves. I had a good friend come to visit from out of state before Thanksgiving last month and during a day of sightseeing, at our last stop, we ran into a wedding party taking pictures. I was complimenting the brides choice of color for her bridesmaids gowns when I realized that this was my nieces wedding, the very person who triggered the cut off. The daughter of my brother who had called and threatened both my partner and I for calling her rude and inconsiderate after she had stolen things from my home while house sitting. My goddaughter. I was visibly shaking and am glad to have had my friend (older than my mother!) there beside me who was able to console me and keep me grounded. I did poke my head around the corner and call out a congratulations to my niece to which she responded “thank you!” I doubt she realized who I was in the moment. The universe is an interesting place, so novel. I had wanted to see her on her wedding day as we had, what I thought was, a good relationship. I had flown her out to visit me numerous times in Seattle. Taken her to NYC for broadway shows and shopping trips. I digress though, I was a transaction to her nothing more. I am of course sad about this last encounter, but it was quite revealing. My friend and I were inside of a mansion turned museum looking out at my family taking pictures with the museum as background. So close, but so far away. A facade of the “Happy Family”. A close family friend text me asking me where I was as she had wanted to see me at the wedding and I simply responded that I was “personae non grata”. A sibling posted the wedding photos with the caption “FAMILY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING”, all caps…all passive aggression. Proximity raises the odds of these encounters and sadly my partner and I are preparing to sell our dream home and move out of state. I’m going to stay on track to be the healthiest me possible and am thankful for this experience of living close to home again. I cannot un-know what I now know and am thankful that my partner was here to keep me sane and on track. This is no home, it is a house of lies. Thank you Patrick! You really are the best I have found addressing these complicated family issues. I appreciate all you do for all of us here. Happy Holidays!
This has gotta be the most helpful/best piece of media on cutting off your family I've encountered so far. Maybe it's just hitting me at the right time, but yeah. This thanksgiving was my first one away from my family. Right now I'm still on the brink of being totally homeless, so I'm still living with my abusive father (though that could change literally any day, I'm not exactly safe where I am now), but I took a big risk and went on a long drive on thanksgiving day rather than spending it with family members. It was wild. I drove a good ways, and I listened to loud music and screamed in my car, and then I sat on top of a rock for like an hour in a total daze, and I ate a lot of granola and watched the other families hang out with their kids. Surreal. I cried a lot. I kind of expected to. I've gotten by thus far by being very submissive and brushing off the evidence that he's hurt me so badly and he's not gonna change, but I've started really standing up for myself lately, so it's gotten bad-- or, it was always bad, but it's gotten worse, honestly. I'm almost thirty. I tried making this shit with my father work for years, years and years. After my mom died I tried. I tried so hard. I got trapped with him during the pandemic and blew my life apart. It's been hell. There's a part of me that kind of still can't believe I'm getting ready-- really ready-- to cut him off. I've always struggled with feeling like I'm allowed to take care of myself, since I was punished so badly for ever saying "no" as a kid. This has been real years in the making for me, and I'm scared shitless, but I'm trying to talk myself into feeling hopeful for the future. I don't know. I feel different. Sorry, that was really long-winded. Uh, thanks! I'll probably come back to this video a lot.
I'm a hot mess. I thought I had come so far. I thought I was so healed. Since the 1st video I watched of yours, I have experienced trigger after trigger and I'm spiraling like never before. I detached 25 years ago, worked in the social work environment under the belief I had helped so many. Now, I look at my life and the hatred my own children look upon me with. I thought I had done better, done more, loved healthier. My reality is harsh.
I'm in the process of cutting off my mom physically, mentally I've been able to however, it's expensive and I still live with her. Though, it will be scary, I can't wait to be able to move on and be away from her, thank you so much for this video! I hope you have an amazing day to everyone that happened to read my comment
Patrick, I love it when your Bostonian accent comes out! This video was medicine for me. I’m mid-cut off with a couple covert toxic people after a verbally and emotionally abusive episode where I had enough. Though it’s tricky because my life was already in limbo… divorcing an alcoholic and currently staying with a family member. This family member keeps bringing up how much it hurt one of the toxic people when I didn’t acknowledge her birthday following the abusive incident. It’s exhausting being under the same roof. This person definitely has a different story of our family. Looking forward to when I am able to get into my own place… I’m working on it. This video gave me the encouragement and validation to stay strong and true to myself. I feel so much calmer and grounded after I watch these. Thank YOU!!
Thank you. Perfect timing for this video. It's going to be the 6th christmas without my ex family, but my first alone. For the first time I really have nothing planned : not spending it with friends, but also no "early" or "late" christmas planned with anyone to not be completely alone. Everyone is busy, the friend I have spent most of those hollidays with now has a serious relationship and they'll be in his family... The loneliness really hits hard in this period. But your video reminds me of the important thing : those years of cut off now have allowed me to heal enough that I can imagine having a child in the next few years. By not being in those toxic Christmas days being humiliated and abused I'm preparing the stage to have healthy happy hollidays with a child one day. And that's what matters the most. Thanks again.
Thanks for this. I’m in a weird cut off position right now. It wasn’t by choice. I told my mom I’d like to seek counseling together. She decided we (my husband and I) were cutting her out of our lives. Stopped talking to us for 3mos and only started talking again to guilt trip us for not getting to see our kids. She never once asked to see them. Now she’s finally agreeing to go to counseling together but I think she’s just doing it to get what she wants. That’s frustrating for me. I’m just tired and ready to heal and move on.
I felt like a refugee as well, when cutting off my narc family. In fact, I felt like leaving a war zone behind me and surprised that other people peacefully interact with their family members, instead of running for a "cover" constantly. Mind you, nobody was smoking or drinking in my family, just plain simple, borderline aggressive narcs.
I moved away and although it wasn't a cutoff I was still alone over the holidays. It took me some time to adjust but it actually doesn't bother me anymore. It's kind of boring anyway when you aren't a kid anymore. I had a big lifestyle change and stopped looking forward to gorging on food over the holidays. I also realized that doing all the cooking and decorating is a lot of work and I was exhausted afterwards. I also started a business and I can take any day off I want and so there's no pressure to cram a lot of activity into a couple of days. I love the season but I delay the hype until just before the actual day and by the time it's arrived I've had my fill and am ready for the season to be over. It's really helpful for me to just be OK with whatever happens and however I feel, but it doesn't bother me to be alone anymore. I've realized that I don't share my family's values either, and I'm not willing to put up with their toxic behavior anymore.
Finally a comment I relate to. I just now clicked on this channel, mainly for the stories & experiences :/ & im late but I gave up on blood fam a life time ago. Im only 39 but I've had like 9 lives, I do believe. I dont really remember my 1st yrs alone on the holidays but I do recall driving in the night streets alone. And I saw stragglers... going through drive through thinking welp, im not actually alone... My new chapters are the douchebags fams. Omg its never ending
"The person you might really want and need in your life is choosing the toxic family over you, because it's easier to disappoint you and let you down, and put you in that old role, than it is to go after the toxic family member or system." That cuts so deep.
'half safe people are not safe' - Patrick thank you so much for these videos. You can't begin to imagine what you're doing for me. I've never needed content like this more, and here you are, making it free and accessible. I can't thank you enough. You're helping to keep me remember I'm sane in a scenario where I'm being reframed as mad for objecting to abuse. I'm lucky to have one safe person in my life, thank goodness, but your words are hitting hard. I'm in the UK so we don't do Thanksgiving, but that example you gave could have easily been one of my own memories with a few minor tweaks. What you are doing on this channel is everything. I can't tell you. I'm so sorry for your trauma, but I'm also so thankful that you've used it to help others. This channel is a blessing and a safe space. You're just incredible for doing this, even though it probably retraumatises you sometimes to go through it all. Yeah, you're honestly just incredible. That's all I can say. Thank you so much x
Thank you for this extremely timely and much needed video. This video gives me the courage to stay firm in my decisions to cut off so that I can heal and break the cycle of abuse. “Half- safe people aren’t safe.” I needed to hear that. You described my situation exactly. Thank you. God bless you and Merry Christmas 🎄. Sending good thoughts to everyone who is navigating a cut off. Stay strong and know that your health, sanity and life are worth it. ❤️
My sister cut our immediate family off several times for 3 or 4 years each time. We never knew what we had done. She was so troubled and toxic and i never knew what was wrong. We knew to expect it every so often. I always wondered how one person could cause so much pain for others, so much turmoil and trauma. Yet I loved her and still do. So did my parents. Very sad, never understanding why she was the way she was. One time after she told me about a serious delusion she was having, i talked her into going to a psychologist, and gently pursuaded her to tell him what she had told me. (her delusion at the time) I thought finally, she would get a diagnosis and some meds to help her be happier. She went and then came and told me he diagnosed her with "social anxiety" I asked her if she described the "delusion: she was having, and she said no. So that was that..
I did a cut off from my family and afterwards would not attend family holiday gatherings and other family get togethers. How I remedied holidays is that on holidays, I would invite people who do not have family or friends to go home to. I do this at my apartment building and make dinners for them. I either bring the dinners to them or if they want, they can come over. I've been doing this for 6 years and it feels good to bless someone who doesn't have anywhere to go. Another way to illiminate the lonliness is that you can volunteer at a soup kitchen or at churches during the holidays. This to is another way to distract yourself from the lonliness and reach out to people who are less fortunate and blessing others also blesses you. I'd rather spend holidays with people who really appreciate me than to spend holidays with people who do not appreciate me. H
Don't say that you failed. Your compassion and empathy were too strong for you to be able to "cut off" your elderly mother. At least that's how I see it.
I don’t think you failed at all. I did the same for my father in his 90s. I let go of what I wanted it to be long ago. At 93, he couldn’t hurt me anymore. What I did do was give to him when he was vulnerable all that WASN’T given to me as a child, all the while inadvertently teaching him through example how it SHOULD have been. People would ask me how I could do it. My answer…& I don’t even know where these words came from…they just popped out: How else would he ever know God’s love if I didn’t SHOW him? I was surprised at my response but upon reflection I knew it was true. He was grateful in the end & I am proud of myself for taking the higher road. Am now at peace knowing I acted with integrity & love toward a man who foolishly missed out on a lovely daughter & family in life. Of course, this may not be the answer for everyone but to do what you are doing is not a failure 🙏! Honor yourself always for you are wonderfully made 🥰👍!
I have been cut off since I can remember! I was the scape goat! I was asleep and thought it was normal! Really?? It's wonderful to awaken to how mean my family was and how asleep and abused I was! So happy to finally get out! You totally just described my family!!! In detail alcohol abuse too! Thankful for social media helping so many of us! ❤
I related to so much of this. Lots of stuff I needed to hear, especially this time of year. It helped me to shed some of my guilt from being no contact and gave me some things to remember in order to stay that way for my healing.
V sorry to hear you suffered in childhood, and thank you for becoming a blessing to those who hear your words. As a widow of 79 and mother of a 50yr old son who recently cut himself off from me and his sister who lives with me and the estranged mother of his sons, and the sadness and shock it has caused us, it has been so helpful listening to your/his side of things. My husband drank and was mostly angry and impatient but I kept pretending we were all alright, throughout his lifetime. In doing that I realised several years ago that I had betrayed and so damaged my children, but didn't know what to do about it at this late stage. Listening to you I can now let go, stop wanting from him, and pray in time he will find healing and peace.
Have you admitted this to your son and honestly apologized? Maybe it would help him... At least this is what would help me process everything if I heard a sincere apology from my mother. Not an 'I'm sorry you feel bad‘-apology but an acknowledgement from her for the things she did.
If you truly feel remorse and are willing to change, you should tell him. I can tell you, if my mother actually did this, it would make a difference to me. Unfortunately my mothers husband is a danger to my children, so I cannot maintain a relationship while she’s with him, but it would be helpful to hear.
It's so hard around the holidays because that was a time I could get my narcissistic mother to at least pretend she liked being around me, because she was performing for other people, for my dad, and for family and friends...and she was nicer when her kids were at her command, falling over themselves to please her and to throw the perfect holiday party...pretending perfect family with dutiful kids made her look good, so she was nicer to "pay her end of the transaction" I suppose....I remember not wanting guests to leave and being more than disappointed when they did, the same way I was when my friends went home at the end of the playdate, because nice Mama went away when the guests were gone. It's easy for me to slip into trauma bonded holiday role with euphoric recall, and forget that abuse happened during the holidays too, but I know that if I get sucked back in, my future kids will end up becoming the collateral damage of an unhealed mother, and I cannot have that. This is my second year not being a part of the holidays, and it is sad, but I'm going to try and do something small to celebrate from an authentic place.
This is so on point that I don't have time to delve into all the great points you made. I am planning my cut-off as I type. Last month, my mom who I currently live with stopped talking to me because I wouldn't violate the boundaries I set with my toxic and abusive sibling. This same sibling was temporarily cut off by my mom once she showed her true colors, yet my mom invited her back without telling me, knowing that I want nothing to do with her. Anyway, after my mom's guilt-tripping failed and I went into survival mode by emotionally detaching from my mom, things got very intense. The silent treatment went into a smear campaign, inviting that same sibling over daily and this sibling going into her routine of being disruptive, abusive, and just an agent of chaos really. It got to the point that even when I would physically separate myself by going outside, into the garage just to have a space to study, both my mom and sibling would disrupt me, knowingly trying to provoke me. Then on top of all of that, my mom got increasingly angry because I was helping my disabled aunt, so she would say things like "If you can do for her, you can do for me". My mom took away my house keys from my purse while I was asleep, moved in another relative who had sexually abused me (and others) when I was about 5. I paid her less rent because with more people in the house, my portion should be less, right? WRONG! She sent me this passive-aggressive text saying that I was trying to short-change her and that I wouldn't have a problem paying the same amount if I lived elsewhere even though I had just foot the bill on $2,000 car repairs. I told her that I will give her more, then she replies "No. Thanks....I'm good" I just accepted a job out of state and I will be moving in 3 weeks even though I haven't told my mom yet. I know now without a shadow of a doubt that I cannot trust her and that she'll break my confidence and tell my business to the very relatives I told her I don't trust (which she is now a part of). I am lowkey agonizing over my word choice in telling her that I am moving. I refuse to disclose where I am moving to, and I will be changing my number once moved). I HATE that I will be here for Christmas and that there won't be a library, store, or even gym open for me to escape to. It's even started now, she's trying to "go back to normal" with me as if the last 6 weeks didn't happen. I refuse to act like all of what's happened is okay just because it's Christmas. I'm not with the fakery! The new year cannot come fast enough. For my own safety and sanity, I know that I have to cut ties with ALL family; otherwise, I will get sucked back in.
Patrick, THANK YOU. It has almost been a year-ish since my cutoff started. It was solidified for me a month ago by the ugliest text message I have received. I find it hard to journal, but these exercises helped and now my hand is cramping from all the writing. Lol. I think the hardest part are my little siblings I left behind who are 7 and 10. I know they already have trauma responses. The hardest part is feeling like I have abandoned them and left them to fend for themselves. This eats me up every day. Any advice? We are 15 and 17 years apart. I practically raised them. I still wish to communicate with them, but I know it must first go through my mother, who I cut off. This has been the toughest part. Thank you again for what you do. You are insightful and appreciated more than you know!!
I have younger siblings 14 and 16 years younger than I, and I very much relate to this. For years, I put up with a lot more abuse from our BPD mother in order to have better access to them. Fortunately, they are now grown and we can have our own relationships, independent of her. But, I struggled for years when I would have preferred to cut her off entirely. If you can try to work with other family members (their other parent, or grandparents) to be able to spend time with your siblings, that can go a long way toward reminding them that you are there for them, for when your parent's abuse is too much to bear. This is such a hard place to be in, and I feel for you.
Feeling with you as I read this Ashley. So painful. I hope you find a way to let your siblings know you love them and they remain close to your heart 💙
Hi Ashley, This advice won't necessarily help your siblings, but I hope it might be helpful for you. I used to feel a ton of shame and guilt about not having taken care of my younger siblings well enough (i.e. perfectly). It wasn't until recently, when I was able to have more compassion for myself, that I realized this was one more thing in the way of my own healing. Wanting to take care of our younger siblings is a good thing that comes from our hearts, and giving up the guilt and shame I had felt about not always being able to do so hasn't lessened the love and concern I feel for my siblings one jot. I don't think I could make my own progress, though, if I had continued to hold myself accountable for being their parent. It really helped me when I realized I was berating myself for exactly the same things my parents would have shamed me for - not being a perfect adult at the age of 11 or 15 or 17 or 22. And I wasn't instead holding my parents accountable for the responsibilities they had to me or my siblings, which I guess is the purpose of us taking on that guilt. Anyway, I know you'll do what you can for your siblings, and I hope you'll be able to know that that is enough, even when it feels like very little. Your first responsibility is to yourself, and that sounds super selfish in this context (because children!), and yet I think most of us who grew up with toxic parents don't really understand how important and essential and neutral (as in neither selfish nor unselfish) putting ourselves first in our lives really is.
If you practically “raised them” this is a special circumstance. If they have looked to you as a parental figure and if you are attached to them, this needs special thought. You’ve essentially cut them off too. This might be best-or not. You are sacrificing your own connection to them. If this must be collateral damage, you have to know for sure that this is still the wisest path. On the other hand, if your siblings are not part of the abuse pattern that damages you, you might be able to find creative ways to maintain connection. They may feel abandoned but you have feelings of loss as well. If your Mom will sabotage your efforts at connection, or disparage you in your efforts, that is a consideration as well. I would practice “First things first”. If you are in a healthy and resilient place (the first thing) you can get creative about reaching out to your siblings-with the understanding that it might not work out. It will likely be, at minimum, challenging. Have support.
Patrick, thank you for this lesson. I have been no contact for over a year and Christmas was difficult. You helped me remember why I had to do it. I must revisit this often. I have had more pieces in my life since the cut off. My family and friends have noticed a big change in me. I have erected some boundaries with them as well because I found that my own husband and children were starting to treat me the way my siblings and parents did. I find it quite challenging to have personal boundaries. People don’t like you when you have boundaries.
Thank you for this video, Patrick! I just initiated my own family cut off two months ago. I did not observe Thanksgiving Day with them (did my own thing that day, went to a spa), and it was just the best thanksgiving ever. The space I have had in the past two months have been exactly what my adult self and inner children (yes plural) self needed. I'm working on creating a healthier sense of self, got a pretty long way to go, but thats ok. I appreciate this video because it does come at the right time for me. Need the reminder/validation that I am doing the best thing for myself and also my child.
My dad and sister connected with my ex-wife (who I don’t have a good relationship with) to get Xmas presents to my kids last year after I cut them off. This was not about my kids but about them looking good, and trying to punish me. Cut off still in effect.
23:49 if you have to be alone: I actually love being alone for holidays. I don’t have to worry about expectations. I can have my cozy house to myself, watch shows and movies, eat what I want, do what I want, nap, not worry about being triggered, not worry about am I being good enough? It’s like a sacred time. Holidays all by myself are precious… calm, cozy. And I usually celebrate holiday stuff on other days… like maybe do a Christmas brunch w this friend or that or siblings in certain quantities and spaces I can handle.
Thank you for this. I was definitely struggling with my enabler father for a long time. He became more and more abusive the longer I was no contact with my mother. He recently had heart surgery. I wrongly thought this would help him choose to just have a loving relationship with me despite my being no contact with my mother still. It was an awful couple conversations with him that were mostly him guilt tripping and gaslighting me; including blaming his “broken” heart on me. Then him guilt tripping my husband for an hour. After that I lost it and stayed in my truth and called out all his lies and gaslighting with a simple, “that is not true”. This escalated his anger and yelling. This time, HE got fed up and abruptly ended the call. Sadly, I believe that to be the last conversation I will ever have with him. You mentioning “half safe people” helps me with this cut off. It has been way harder than my cut off with my mother as my dad, while emotionally immature, was a loving, kind dad growing up. He has become someone I don’t recognize and is now very toxic for me. Thank you for all the videos you do. I am saving this one for when I inevitably have a doubting day and want to try again to get my old father back.
Thank you so much for this video. This is helping me so much. I cut off my parents a few months ago and lost most of my siblings in the process. "Half safe people are not safe" is a life-saving statement. Thank you
"The system protects the most toxic person". That is a real insight . Thank you .
Yes, this is SO TRUE.
My family system does this and I wonder why this is a thing. Perhaps it’s because the most toxic person is least likely to own their stuff and do any healing so people would rather enable them than rock the boat? Maybe it’s because the most toxic person demands total allegiance and if they don’t get it from you, you become the next target of their rage? Or maybe it’s because the family members are asleep and unaware that the toxicity of their family is actually toxic, even though it feels familiar and oddly comfortable. Allowing the toxic family member to abuse them and others reinforces and manifests into reality the beliefs their wounded inner child holds. Yes, they’re protecting the toxic person, but ultimately they’re protecting their own denial. It is just too scary to see them for who they really are.
Very true. The one who held the power in my family.
Yep that's the dysfunction
In my family it's always stressed and the person I see as the problem has mental health issues so I need to be understanding. But when she lashes out my reaction is evidence of my selfishness. No matter how well I think I suppress my feelings. Just freezing up is wrong. Then I get in trouble for letting my mental health issues affect the entire family which is absolutely abhorrent!
Key 🔑 point - if a family member doesn’t get it, they are part of the system.
Yes!!
THIS! One of my maternal cousins decided that it was ok to ask me all these invasive questions as to why I cut my father off and minimizing my needs and emotions. It’s like I’m reaching a point where I am tempted to cut the whole family together. I need to value my mental health because I feel like I’m spiraling deeper into the dark abyss.
@@MaxGr33nfan I feel the same way.
Also they do get it, they just pretend they don't because they want to support abuse and abuse.
Yes, and the earlier you can identify they don't get it, the better because it is less time spent going through under the radar abuse from them.
"We no longer let toxic people tell us who we are."
To everyone going through a cutoff: You are not alone. Often I feel like I am the only person having to deal with this. But I am not. And you are not. It’s kind of sad but soothing at the same time: we’re so many! There are so many people going through this, just like you. It’s hard to not give in, it’s a fight. Every. Single. Day. Everyday I ask myself if I’m wrong. Am I the bad one? Is it toxic not to reply to the wedding invitation? Is it heartless to delete their number? I know you know how heavy these thoughts weigh. But remember: WE are so many! I don’t know you and you don't know me. But we’re out there! Whenever you feel alone, tell yourself that.
Thanks that you remind of that. Feels better now🥰
Thank you. Thank you a lot.
I escape to a simulation on my tv
That's such a nice comment! I can't do a cutoff, im reliant and sick. It's comforting though to see others going through all this. It's very lonely being within it when you can't leave but for when I may be able to and even the feelings of so wanting to, it's a comfort to know others are having difficulty with their thoughts and feelings around it too. Love your comment🙏
Thank you for sending out support to all of us out here feeling alone.
The guilt of going no contact from my mother (and therefore the rest of the family) is MASSIVE, and the loneliness is almost too much. Especially for my daughter's sake. She doesn't have any brothers or sisters or extended family. It's just hard.
Perfect timing for the holidays, when a lot of us are being guilted by the family members we are no-contact with to come back "for the kids" or "its probably Mom's last Christmas" or because they're hurt we won't play pretend for the holidays. Consequences are hard for toxic people to swallow. Thank you for reiterating this and encouraging me.
Gotta love how toxic people seem to have fifteen "last Christmases" in them
@@1munchyoshi204 😂
@@1munchyoshi204 lolol omg
Word! My thoughts exactly!
I appreciate your videos with your experience and education on these toxic Dynamics..Also as a writer I appreciate how you share reflective stories that also help assist us in recognizing toxicity, apply boundaries and foster healing...
“Narcissistic parents or family members are constantly grooming potential allies.”😮 SO insightful!
and observing them changing their attitude slowly towards you... like watching a film. disappointing.
As if it wasn't enough, they have to come and recruit your friends in a town you moved 2,300 miles away from decades ago. Their bullying HATRED just never stops!
I went no contact with my entire family of origin when I finally realized that being around family members was the cause of my anxiety attacks.
"The system protects the most toxic person." That statement is solid gold.
Absolutely! Sometimes I think that most toxic person might just be the sibling, the "attacker" type, advocating for the toxicity of the family dynamic. Strangely, in a toxic family dynamic, this person is catered to and held to very "high standards" by the toxic family. Anyone else have a family system set up like this? A controlling attacking narcissistic sibling who does as they please, claims to be big on family, but fails to see how flawed the family really is..or that they are enabling the toxicity...watering it so that it'll grow...because thar person is miserable and only knows what it is like to be miserable and doesn't seek change. (They must like it; they complain about everything all the time. ) But this sibling sees nothing wrong with the family dynamic and, talking to strangers, they'd think she had a normal family just talking about it
This year, I didn’t say “but that’s my mother…” I didn’t stand in front of that ‘train’, and wonder why I was hurting…I didn’t make excuses…I honored myself 🙂
So proud of
You ❤️❤️❤️
Well done!
My family is the "looks good on paper" type and emotionally distant. My older brother is an abusive narcissist and everybody acts like there's nothing wrong, especially our parents. I'm not completely no contact but I haven't celebrated a holiday in years. For me, the hard part is, you can't really talk to people about it because unless you have a similar situation, there is just no way people can understand and there's no easy way to explain the toxic dynamics without them looking at you crazy. That feels lonely. As stated, at least with overt issues people understand and you don't have to explain anything outside of a simple statement like, "yeah my family situation is messy with alcohol abuse.... "ohhh I understand! That must be tough!" The first couple years I stopped attending family holidays, I was fine. It was just another day for me where I happen to get the day off from work, paid. I just hate the reaction of others when they find out you don't plans. "Omg, you're going to be alone?? You're not going to see your family?? You shouldn't be alone on a holiday. Come to my house." Yeah, no thanks. I tried that one time and it was super depressing to see what I don't have with my family. Everyone was super nice, warm, and welcoming. I went home and cried myself to sleep that night.
Totally agree, that seeing what you don't have hurts more. Chosen solitude is not loneliness, it's empowering. The world media imposes these false lights, forced joy gatherings on us. I will joy in my Saviour alone with my little ones, no company is better than bad company!
I finally recognized the exact same dynamic in my family of origin- overt, malignant narcissistic older brother who's bullied me all my life, enabled and supported by our covert narcissistic mother.
It sounds like your friends mean well when they invite you to join them for holiday celebrations. You might get more satisfaction and pleasure from spending the holidays taking care of the caretakers who must work through the holidays: the police department, fire station, animal shelter, sanitation department, etc. in your city or neighborhood runs 24/7, no holiday breaks. You could deliver anything from a card, snacks, board games or playing cards to a fire or police station, sanitation office, animal shelter etc. to say "thank you" to the people who,.like you, are away from home and family for the holiday.
I totally feel you on being selective with whom you share your family dynamics. Not many people understand, and they do more harm when they make statements that aren't so understanding.
I hope you all can celebrate this holiday season uniquely. Whether alone or with people who understand..we all deserve to be happy and loved during this time.
@@kmc1994 bless you back tenfold Keramarie, thank you 💛🤗
My family also "look good on paper" and are emotionally distant. I totally get it. But not everybody understands. I think that covert toxicity is more difficult to deal with, because from the outside, everything looks "fine". At least with overt issues, other people generally understand... when it comes to covert issues, you're the one viewed as crazy or too sensitive or dramatic. I just wanted to let you know that I completely understand.
"I felt like a refugee escaping"
Couldn't have phrased it better.
The "crossing the boundaries" and going to your partner, friends, etc. is the worst. It is such a betrayal.
Thats how they do it. No respect for you as a person. Its all about power and control with a narcissist. Evil and vacant. Consider the source and let it go.
Happened to me. 😞 Plus I got loads of insults and slander. Truly awful!
My toxic family on my dad's side worked for years promoting a false narrative against my mother. Giving in would mean alienating her as payback for divorcing him 40 years ago. When I refused, my narcissistic dad and brother went after my husband (now my ex) and my kids to recruit them as allies. It didn't work but they're still at it. It's being passed onto the next generation. My brothers kids are being taught the false narrative and conditioned to alienate my mom (their grandmother). Its all so sad but I've had tremendous growth since I left. I've flourished and thrived and built a network of supportive friends. My goal now is to find the right time to reverse the narrative and expose the truth of what really happened.
Same here! They recruited friends in the town I moved to 2300 mi away from the decades ago in as well as an ex-girlfriend
This time of year is really difficult for me. It’s been 4 years since I went no contact with my family. And my life has only gotten better. I got married, I got a green card, I got my dream job, and lost 50 pounds. It’s been very difficult feeling all alone though. I feel very guilty about the good life I now have and the price I had to pay for it. I can hear my relatives telling me how bad I am for leaving. Anyway… My father was too much. A disturbing, and violent man. I had enough.
Wow! Good for you 🙌🏽
Congrats!!!!!
So nice to hear. Good luck on your way!
I relate so much to what you wrote.
I feel like I committed a crime by not wanting to be abused anymore, leaving and then having an own life. Without their approval. All crimes. That's why I feel guilty feeling happy bc I feel it's my job to save them from themselves. As if that was possible but I guess that was kind of my family role
@@solveigrose5537 I no longer delude myself that anyone in my dysfunctional family will be happy when I get healthy. It took decades of work to get there. Self recrimination was ingrained in me from being the scapegoat. Most, if not all, of my beliefs were deeply held unconscious foundational precepts that virtually dictated my thoughts, behaviors, and actions. I love the phrase "Good enough" and was so happy when I could begin to use it and give myself grace for the first time in my life.
"Half safe is not safe". If only I had heard this decades ago. Thank you... better late than never. And when the abuse is covert... omg yes.
Last year, because of the pandemic, I got to spend Christmas completely alone. I didn’t have to give excuses to any family members, answer nosy questions, or compromise on my safety. It was the BEST CHRISTMAS of my life. I was calm, I was happy, I didn’t have to deal with anyone trying to manipulate me or guilt me or make me interact with someone unsafe. So yes, it can be sad to be alone - but for me, it was liberating.
One question I asked myself before I left and after, was :If this were a stranger (or neighbor as you mentioned), would I tolerate, or think it was okay for them to treat me the way I was being treated. This made it a little easier, to see things clearly. Walking away was devastating going through it., but not once have I regretted it. I left 4 years ago. I was given the silent 'Eff you" back from my siblings.. not one of them reached out to ask why, which I think was even more painful. Not being missed was a hard blow indeed, however that also pointed out to me how things really were. My very thick, rose colored glasses were shattered that year, but it is better to be in reality and see things how they really are. Thank you for your spot on videos that address exactly what I endured. I am still healing and appreciate the validations these videos provide to me.
I would never let a neighbor or stranger treat me like crap. My toxic family has been abusing me for decades. I finally had enough and went no contact. I rather be alone than be treated like crap!
I’m relating to the pain of the siblings not reaching out, super painful. I guess I had hoped that siblings would be able to see family dynamics that the parents can’t.
All the best in your healing. 🙏
@@relationshipcompass1445 Unfortunately I found the dysfunctional dynamic actually worked for my only sister who was the "golden child." Having been" the scapegoat" I had taken all the family shame and blame. Despite my mother finally realizing the unhealthy dynamic before she died, my married sister was never going to relinquish her elevated position and had gotten very angry & vindictive as she watched my relationship with my widowed mom change. The final cutoff happened when my mom died and my family imploded. So, not only no help from sibling, but the polar opposite.
I think siblings know why we do the cut off, they’re just unwilling to face it themselves. It’s easier for them to pretend everything is fine and make you the scapegoat than to face the uncomfortable truth that their family is toxic. That’s just my opinion and observation within my own family. They’ll chose toxicity over me (the scapegoat) any day as it’s easier to just act like their sister is the crazy one than to look at themselves and their toxic behaviors or admit their family is anything other than perfect. So much so that both my siblings allow my parents to be around their children and to be around them alone for long week or weekend visits! To me that is choosing the abusive parent over your own child. Not ok.
Like you, I have been no contact with the toxic parents for 4 years and like you, not once have I regretted it. Like you, I got the Eff You from a sibling who previously would call me to vent and get validation after dealing with our toxic parents for the holidays, etc. But, boy did she turn on me when I decided I could not take anymore. It is what it is. The fact is, my generalized anxiety disorder has disappeared now that I am no longer participating in the toxicity. I mourn the wonderful parents I never had but not the toxicity I left behind. The realization that there was no way to reconcile or fix our narcissistic parents was a bitter pill to swallow but accepting the bitter truth is way better than continuing to hope and to foster the sweet lies. The truth is the only thing that will set you free.
I started by cutting off an abusive parent. One sibling admits the abuse they got as well but tries to guilt me. I asked them not to do this and they didn’t stop so they are gone now too.
I went through this as well, being chided for not communicating with the father. Who never contacted me anyway even though I was the lone sibling living in the same town as him. They are 14 & 15 years older and had a different relationship with him than I, the family was intact then. They seem to think all things were equal even though we were practically different generations, with different circumstances.
It was a huge wake up call to me when I realized that my sister had a different version of my dad and a different version of my mother. I used to project a lot of my own abuse into my sister and nurture her in ways that weren’t necessary when I could’ve been taking care of myself and all of my inner wounds.
I’m still trying to forgive myself. I betrayed myself for most of my adult life. But at least I figured it out.
@@tmzumba Best to err on the side of the angels...your efforts weren't wasted. Maybe because of you, she got through it.
Yup
"Orphaned by choice" It's really really weird cutting off covertly harmful family, to the point where it almost seems as if they've died in your life, but you know they're there, and they still send presents at special occasions (but not consistently).
Lots of mixed feelings about those gifts.
Return to sender is great.
After a long episode of attempting low-contact, I went no-contact from my parents 6 months ago. It took 42 years of mental & emotional abuse to finally walk away after trying every other option. It's been a relief. My husband, children and I can live peacefully.
🙏 ❤
“We don’t let toxic people tell us who we are anymore.” PREACH! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Reminds me of the ‘Home Alone ‘ movie programming us children to tolerate our horrible families, and forgiving them and reconnecting at Christmas (next door neighbor).
I come from a family of 11. I learned that it wasn't good enough to cut off one or two. The others would approach you to return and continue your unfavorable role in the family because if you didn't one of them would be assigned it. Holidays alone are hard but ultimately worth the peaceful year(s) that follow.
Wow. What timing!! My 90 year old father ( who I cared for 24/7 the past few months) passed away this past Sunday. I am the youngest by 15 years of 6 siblings. Family heirlooms- 0, but I get to “ clean the house” ( thanks ), invited to the celebration of his life? -0 not invited
Bereavement food-0 not even a crumb.
I can not wait to never see these people ever again
@ MK Brailsford. I can relate to much of your experience MK. You are not alone. Been in a similar situation and lost virtually my whole family when my mom died in 2007. They attacked on the way out. God bless you for taking care of your father.
I let my mother abuse me for years, never knowing how mind fing she was. My father was more angry/narcissistic and explosive. He didn't hit me until I was 32. I did my cutoff on an Easter Sunday 2 and a half years ago. The holidays seem pointless and petty. I want to celebrate with my 12 year old son but due to being poor and whatnot, we can't afford to rent a house big enough for a tree or anything. Maybe next year 🤷 I don't want us being poor to affect my son. I know it will but I don't want it to. He's turned into the child "who doesn't need anything" which is scary for me. He's just getting over it all too. I hope we straighten out soon. Thank you for your kindness. Me and my wife love your videos. We've both said, "it's like he was with us"!!! We've adopted you. If we ever celebrate holidays everyone in this comment section is invited 💚
Hugs, Hugs, Hugs to you all.
aw this is so sweet. I wouldnt worry about big houses and trees, to kids having kind parents means so much more. There are lot of poor families with big houses and big trees. You are doing great. Happy holidays.
Dear Stephanie, I wanted to share what I did one Christmas, post cut off, which was a tabletop, tiny Christmas tree. I'm talking 3-4 inches tall! I found battery operated itty bitty lights, and miniature ornaments as well! You could make a new tradition, like singing We need a little Christmas! Don't worry about material things like a big tree, because the safety and love you and your wife provide, and not having all the toxic stress, is going to bring happy memories in the years to come!
Y'all are amazing and beautiful people!!! Thank you so much for your kindness 🤗🤗🤗
myself and my younger sister (19 and 16) have been openly encouraging our parents to cut off one set of grandparents because of their inappropriate behaviour and the stress that they cause for over 5 years now. more recently (within the last 2 years) our mother has been pulling the "we wouldn't want you two to not invite us over for xmas when we're old" argument and we have explicitly stated that if her behaviour causes us or our potential children even half the level of distress these grandparents put us through, she will not be allowed to know our addresses.
I just got off the phone with somebody who is trying to negotiate my abuser into my holiday plans when the notification for this video popped up. Couldn't have come at a better time for me.
Love and light for you and yours, my guy❤
OMG, I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you are able to never talk to that person again. Talk about manipulation and invalidation
@@akusuaakoto6702 thank you! I'm fortunate to have a supportive partner and friends who understand, so at the very least, have safe people to lean on while handling family issues. I hope that all is well for you❤
Why do they do stuff like this . Smh
Self preservation must be priority over any toxic situation. Holidays or not.
I know this video is going to be a little heavy, but that accent is just pure delight.
When I was 14 I tried to ask for help from the school.
We had family therapy, but because of my parents good reputations it was about how I could be more in tune with the family and less difficult.
I remember I had thoughts on"what if I had bruises to prove that something isn't right at home"
Mother's version of my upbringing is that she tried to make me a better person and successful in life.
Abusers cultivate good reputations because it helps them get away with it. People assume it’s more likely to occur in low socioeconomic families, but, that stereotype helps abusers avoid detection.
in year 2 of cutting off my family.. this video is a perfect representation of how im feeling.. it does get lonely but its for the better and it gets better each day
"Half safe people are not safe." Wow 😢 💔
This video popped up at the right time. Thanks Patrick! I came to the conclusion that enough is enough. Although I want my family, I don't want to be around people who think it's okay to abuse me, re-traumatize me, and have a very different idea of who I am. My peace and my safety are too important to me.
Anna wow this is exactly how I feel. I hope you have a nice holiday season without them. ❤️
“The system protects the most toxic person.” OMG. I left my home at 17, left my my home town at 19, and eventually left the country. Now decades later, I have long been married to a non-American who has few family ties & no religious affiliations. We have raised our daughters with those traditions that bring us joy, but not obligation. We have lass community than some, but far more peace than many. Distance and time have been my best healers & shielded my girls from a great deal of insanity. No guilt at this point. Just enormous relief.
Thank you for this one. My mother summons me for Christmas day because she ''wants to be happy'' and then when I said no, that would be too challenging for me as she'd stonewalled me on the issue we still needed to discuss, she let rip on me and told me I was abusive, my behaviour was outrageous, she hates what I've done to the family. Wow. She hates the way I feel entitled to shout at them and abuse them. There has been no communication because my mother is 100% committed to never resolving the elephants in the room and just talking about the weather and the garden and the turkey.
Yellow Rocking?
I survived and am still surviving by being submissive and compliant....I really want to change....My family is more covert and I myself sometimes get so confused that it even feels really difficult sometimes to explain to people what happened in my childhood...and then I can´t find the words, put the scenarios together anymore and I feel stupid as if I am just making a big deal...
No one else has to understand it but you. And abusive people are masters at hiding it so don't feel stupid. I have met many, many abusive people and they will never, ever admit fault. Unless it is to sucker you back in. Keep watching videos and educating yourself. Just remember, people who really love you would not abuse you. Learn about the phases of narcissism and prepare/take care of yourself. Best of luck to you.
My family has lots of covert manipulation and denial, etc. it all perpetuates there status quo and control and conditional love (ie for the obiedirnt ones). I can relate with your sentiments. I’ve chalked up my feelings to being submerged in the smoke and mirrors for so long. But once you cut through that, and move through the cognitive dissonance, you can start to do things differently. Your reality is valid
Thank you for acknowledging the covert abuse. That kept me in the dark for a long time and I still sometimes find myself gaslighting myself because "there's nothing really happening". The glaring issue in the family is my mom's parents. I openly told her the other day, after a visit after a long time, that I just don't feel good around them and I never did. Before that I also, quite in detail, told her how my grandfather's abuse of my grandmother and others influenced me badly in childhood, and their deflecting of what was happening (they're very codependent) even more. Even though she now knew all this, her answer still was "well... they're your grandparents". As in, "tough luck, bear it, you must". She's very much stuck in the system and she's the toughest link for me to the family. I would have cut them off much easier and sooner if it wasn't for my mom. She's their victim but she's on their side more than on mine and can't see things for what they are. Very codependent. Currently debating within myself, what to do. I would love to just have some sort of a relationship just with her, without the rest of the family, but it's like the family is intertwined within her. Regarding her, I really don't know what to do. It's all quite heart breaking for me but your videos help a lot. I thought I would share here where others might relate too. Thanks to anyone who've read this. May you all be well!
I had a very very similar issue. I wanted to keep a relationship with my mother, because I felt that she and I had a chance at a healthy relationship. But she was far too entwined in everyone else's abuse. I cut the entire relationship off after she came to me with an unreasonable request, at the behest of my step-father. I have realized since the cut-off, that her behavior cannot be separated from my step-father.
I have since moved houses, and gone through some major milestones in my life, and it has been hard not having her know about them, but I am much happier since I separated them. I read somewhere a description that said, "I'm grieving the family/mother I never had, rather than missing what I did have."
@@Solonneysa oh I relate. Because of the intertwine but kinda for other reasons too, I'm now telling my mother less and less about my real life. It's hard but ultimately yeah, I realize I do not miss what the relationship was but rather what I thought it was... Best of luck with everything!!
I appreciate your comment!
I was disowned by my narc father and then decided to cut off all contact with my nuclear family, minus my disabled sister. He’s tried bull like guilting me about abandoning my struggling sister and my mom throughout “the hardest chapter of their lives…” literally, I was disowned. What?? But it’ll always be my fault and I’ll always be the one who asks for too much because I had enough self respect not to beg him for forgiveness. (I was disowned over putting down boundaries in a text as an engaged adult living with my fiancé and refusing to be treated like a perpetual thirteen year old).
His disowning me has become the biggest breath of fresh air I’ve ever had! But it is really sad to know my mom is always going to choose his side over mine and excuse and accept his behaviors. I used to be really close with her, but I realized I can’t have a relationship with her because she and he are a 2-for-1 deal. :/ it sucks… but it’s not our fault! I hope you’re doing well on your healing journey! 🎉
Another way to look at this is your mother is used as a hostage. Get yourself out first and if she's asked to be saved, then help her out. But I find lots of victims don't want to do the work and it's more pain for you as you're trying to recover. 💪💪
I've been no-contact with my alcoholic NPD dad and BPD mom for about 6 years now. This Christmas season feels especially hard and lonely. My husband doesn't have any family either so we're very alone. Everyone else has their own thing going on. Christmases with my parents were always highly traumatizing and terrifying and I don't ever want to have anything to do with them again but I do feel very lonely and sad this time of year... and so so angry too. Mostly, I've been able to forgive and let go but now and then, it can be really hard.
This is how my husband and I are. Both sides toxic. We have young kids but it’s still so hard. I wish there was no such thing as “the holidays.”
@@JennieMaeJune And the pandemic doesn't help either. We can't take our baby anywhere and that's even more isolating for us. Too bad we can't hang out over the holidays.
I spent a few years of holidays completely alone, with no one even sending cards, and that was before I cut off from my family. I have had a lonely life because I don't have any family. My father's family was never allowed in our lives. Almost all are gone now.
But then I realize that it is not traumatic or terrorizing anymore for me. So there are other ways I have been re-inventing my life, and it doesn't look like anything it was before. It doesn't always mean it is easy or with just happiness and laughter. But taking invitations and making the best of the 'other' days around the holidays. And trying to consentrate on seeing what is good. I still may be sad a little, but it is not nearly what it used to be. I have been fortunate to be married, but are alone. So you are not alone in your circumstances. Hope you can have a better December than maybe you thought possible.
@PianoGirl. Thankfully you have a spouse. Doesn't eliminate the sadness but can help with the loneliness. Still hard.
My partner has had lots of difficult family dynamics over the years we've been together. One thing I worked with him around was the scripts about holiday celebrations.
We talk about making new traditions. It's great if there are children, but even without it allows you to acknowledge the partnership
Sorry to double-comment; somehow it seems impolite. It might be helpful to someone to consider that anyone who expects you, say in the name of "family", to suffer being further terrorised and dominated, is demanding that you silently pick up the tab so they don't have to feel uncomfortable when abusers howl and bellow and thrash about upon being forced to wear consequences for their bad behaviour, and then possibly turn towards them as an alternative target. Enablers are cowards.
Yeah, that’s the hardest realisation. So many that claim to ‘love’ you (and they do in their own toxic way) will allow you to be sacrificed so that they don’t suffer the same abuse. They let you be scapegoat so they don’t have to be. Thank God my brother and I are more aware x
Yeah… I was the one watching the scapegoat. It’s not a pretty position to be the one witnessing the abuse and being torn between whether or not to respond. Mind F-ery. 😑 I watched my sister scapegoated our whole lives (still is) and then got to be scapegoated a bit myself at times with my mil and neither position is pleasant. The guilt and shame from witnessing and doing nothing is almost as bad if not worse than actual abuse would’ve been… At least you know someone’s against you and you’re being authentic if you stand up and someone abuses you.
I left my abusive family in 1974, ran off. Never there since even for a holiday.
My parents ever likely noticed anything “wrong.”. They were too consumed with themselves
This is me only I left in 1980
Same- Covert Abuse. Aunt invited everyone to a dinner... Same aunt that allowed her son to molest and abuse everyone, and never got him help- she said the "Jehovah's witnesses" took care of that family issue- never once an apology, no remorse nothing. Her son is a career criminal, Bipolar, and narcissistic to the max. Has never accomplished anything and has seriously injured his own sisters. and she thinks...inviting everyone to her house for dinner...so we can all sit around and play nice with our abusers... And I've politely declined every time and she pretends like nothing is wrong- This was the last time I played nice and Im going to outright tell her where she can put any other invitation...
You’re the most authentic person on TH-cam. You’re an angel. Thank you. 🙏
I'm glad you said family members don't have to understand why you've chosen to cut somebody out of your life. I'm in the middle of cutting off my sister and her husband, and the manipulation and shaming is strong with my mom.
Tonight I started feeling guilty when she told me that my sister said I was being extremely rude because I haven't spoken to her in months. Then I remembered all the times my sister has been condescending and hostile towards me.
My father sexually abused me growing up. My mother knew and blamed me. My siblings sat by and did nothing as my father verbally berated me in front of my young sons, on occasions my mum served dinner to everyone else but me at family dinners. I was told I’m not allowed to park my car in front of their house. My psychologist, who I saw to help me cope with them, told me “don’t go back”. They slandered me to extended family. Now they blame me for not going there very often. I live across town, work long hours and study at uni. This is what it’s like to be the family scapegoat for people with no conscience or ethics, who compensate with PR for the outside world. My sister’s performance is jaw dropping. These situations are beyond our control, so we have to care for our immediate families, work and study with everything we’ve got, and find our own family/community. I wish you all the very best, and read your comments with love and understanding. Schmaltzy cliche alert - be kind to yourself.
If you're lucky, you get to the point where you realize life is too short to waste on anything that doesn't lift or nurture you and it becomes easy to walk away. I personally don't mind being alone but I know some people hate it. I'd encourage those people to go out & do things they enjoy & hopefully this helps them find a community and a new and better "family". Change is hard but its worth it!
I escaped my abusive father and covert narcissistic mother in March 2021 and have been No Contact with them since. This is my first year without them and every holiday and anniversary and birthday so far has hurt but been bearable.
My birthday is in December so this will be my first birthday and Christmas without them, and I've already been getting nightmares and anxious about it.
This video couldn't have come at a better time. Thank you so much.
I hope you have a peaceful, connected birthday Cartoonvoid. And that you allow yourself to hold your inner child with loving kindness 💚
@@fionameredith8787 Thank you! Today is actually my birthday and I actually had a good time and barely thought about my parents at all.
@@cartoonvoid6183 Happy Birthday!!! So glad you had a good day.
I didn’t speak to my family at all this thanksgiving… I didn’t call them and they didn’t call me. I didn’t cross my mind until a couple days later… super sad the more I thought about it.
I've had no calls on any holidays or birthdays since my cutoff. I was constantly invisibile to them but they would always say they loved me, forcibly. Them not trying to contact me at all is affirmation that I did the right thing and actually makes me feel good. I will not let those people tell me who I am or how to feel ever again and it's liberating.
I cut my family off over 5 years ago. I’m a survivor of CSA. They have no problem protecting the abuser. Best choice I ever made. My mom still tries to guilt me into joining the family circle again. She doesn’t understand. She also tries to replace my nightmare memories of my abuser with her happy ones with my abuser
This will be my first year not at the family gathering and this video came at the right time. I just got out of a heated argument with my mother, I know this will definitely be best for my mental health!
Patrick . I’ve been looking forward to spending holidays alone. Being around family is draining and reminds me about all the bad parts I once operated in . I’m good no need to feel lonely. This is the time to cater to myself period. I no longer feel obligated. I’m 23 now and I refuse to go to the new year doing something i don’t want to do
Started crying watching this. I'm in process of getting ready to have a major cut off with some members of my family and really needed all the advice given in this video. I appreciate all youve posted and provide as a resource and at 33 and finally awaking to my mother's gaslighting and abuse, these videos have provided comfort in knowing I'm not "being dramatic" and indeed being better for my health and my marriage.
Hi Aida! I feel you. How are you holding up?
I was lucky. My family moved from New Zealand to the UK when I was 21. I stayed in NZ and like you, I did loads of positive things like give up smoking, learn to play guitar and met the love of my life. There was no big bust up but my mother didn’t write to me for 3 months (no internet in 1985). I didn’t have their new address or even where they lived, it was wonderful. A few years later, they moved back to New Zealand so I moved with my new wife to Australia. 7 years later I had a career opportunity in the UK so my wife and I moved there. One year later, my parents and toxic sister moved back to the UK. My wife and I now live 200 miles away from my family and I get get pressured to visit my now elderly mother (my dad died a couple of years ago). Now my toxic sister puts shit about me not visiting my mother on social media. It hurts but I don’t react and maintain zero contact. Thanks for confirming that I’m doing the right thing.
It's a good topic at this time of year. In my work context, I always at this time try to encourage a little sensitivity to the fact that it might not quite be the season of unmitigated family love for everyone we might tend to assume. I had someone today in my office after asking for a moment just to say they really appreciate it. Though it's a small thing it clearly can make it a little easier. Over the years, I've come to realise that while everyone's stories are particular, losses, disconnection, and social pressures to accept poor treatment at the hands of past and present abusers is much more common than our cultural expectations of everyone barrelling down the happy slide into delirious Christmas cheer ever acknowledge.
Since cutting off toxic family we have had various attacks on us. Family wished to inflict physical harm on us, called child services under false allegations to mess with us, and even went as far as lying about things to certain authorities that would impact how we thrive and survive to feed children.
This is all because we want to raise our children better than the drugs, lies, and abuse in our family. We realized it was time to break away from some cycles and as we focus on our home and family every couple weeks there is something new.
It’s a clear indication that we need to stand our ground with this and remove them from our lives.
It’s sad they are so toxic they cannot see that they are toxic.
I can empathize that we hurt them but it’s hurt us to try and fight for a family that doesn’t fight for themselves. We are pained, too but we will always be the villain even though in many ways we are the victim and just want healthy examples of family for our wonderful babies.
“Half safe people are not safe” play, rewind, repeat 😢
Good words Patrick. If the grandparents are bad for your children they’re not good for you either. That resonated with me.
Just know that we’re all in this together. It takes time but you will get your power back one step time. I love you all for your encouragement and love to all of us that suffer.
This gives multiple healthy feelings for the cut off, instead of guilt. Let's get hooked on these healthy ideas.
I really love the analogy you used about thinking of your abusive toxic system as a neighbor. When you take family out of its role, you would absolutely never want someone else treating your child or yourself the way that your family does. Thank you! Emotional hangover was everything I had when I did my cut-off time and time again. I would always go back thinking things would change. You've made this very clear.
My partner’s grandma (who she had cut off because that whole side of the family mocked, belittled, and manipulated her for years) just texted her today with a homophobic and transphobic tiktok screenshot “joke” along with saying “happy St. Nicholas Day.” Her family knows I’m trans, and we’re both closeted nonbinary, so it cut deep and she was very upset.
Perfect timing for this video to come out though! I think there are struggles with cut-offs when family knows your phone number and how/where to reach you.
There's gotta be a way to block her number.
@@freedombug11 yeah… the problem is it’s a group chat with her cousins and brother, and she’s kinda deciding whether to cut them all off…
@Jonathan a situation like that is on my very long list of why I've made the break this year myself. My dad sent me transphobic jokes among a lot of other things. I've come to the final realization that they are never going to understand me and the abuse will never stop. This trans guy is no longer dealing with parents who are Trump supporters
.. to paint a picture.
Sounds like you are in a cult
@@JSPP93 oh man… hope the break goes well! (Or as well as it can anyway) that’s rough :(
"Half safe people are NOT safe people."
I needed to hear that. I've been hanging onto half-safe people from my family system and in recent weeks they have been subtly putting more and more covert pressure on me to retract the cutoff. At the end of the day, they're not safe, even if they're not as bad as the others.
Understand you aren’t alone. ❤
I’m in the middle of a cut off. I’m feeling so numb. But I feel like it will take some time. Sending my thoughts to anyone doing a cut off around the holidays
Your future self and your childhood self are thanking you so much right now. The greatest results grow in the dark as nature illustrates... You CAN do this, hold on, day break will surely come and this too shall pass 💙
I've recently become aware to a level of mental abuse that I've suffered which I believe originates from toxic parent relationships which I'd internalized as deficits of myself due to undiagnosed autistic traits. My parents weren't evil or bad people, the trauma was more subtle and longterm with few large events. This hindsight and recurring experience of discomfort, exhaustion, and feeling bad after interactions has led me to choose to cutoff today as a grown adult in his 40s. Never thought I'd be here.
My mom wants me to keep visiting her, even though i told her that the visits always leave me feeling hopeless and depressed. Its like just being there again brings back all the old feelings i used to get when i lived there. She says the visits will help me heal, but i know deep down they are keeping me stuck in the trauma. These videos help validate my feelings and my needs. Thank you.
Thank you for this reminder, the holidays can be so hard now (or just difficult in a different way from pre-cutoff). What I always struggle with around these times is people asking me about family members, or will I be spending time with them... seems like it somehow comes up in every random conversation. Then I always feel stuck either pretending nothing is wrong to avoid the topic (which feels dishonest) or saying that we aren't in contact which inevitably leads to the other person asking why and talking about how important family is or how I should be in contact with my family.
Yep! It hurts so much. Hang in and be strong because many people don't really understand or sometimes they have the same and just tolerate it like we did for years. I'm done tolerating it.
People who guilt you about your relationship with your family can reminded, you don't know my family, so that advise isn't helpful here. I am safer and happier without spending time with them End of conversation!
Yes, it’s definitely not a fun conversation. I have started to just, as nonchalantly as possible, say, “I come from an abusive family”. Usually this makes people understand enough and/or uncomfortable enough to not ask any more questions. Most people do not want to hear about abuse and/or are kind enough to not push the subject. It has completely changed the way people follow up to the original question. Some offer up that they have some toxic family members also, some just say “oh, I’m sorry” and move on, some say the seemingly helpful, “no family is perfect” or “every family has something”, etc. All of which are better than the responses when I would simply state that I had gone no contact with my mother. In people’s minds that automatically makes you the bad one and they want answers. However, stating my truth, that my family is abusive, clears up most things for people that they won’t pry. I hope this helps!
@@blueshoes915 thank you, this is helpful, I'm going to try this next time it comes up!
@@hannahharrison111 so true, thank you. Yeah it feels like people are so quick to pass judgement while knowing absolutely nothing about my life/situation/decisions, but that "people pleaser" in me has a difficult time contradicting people or shutting down a conversation. Something I'm really working hard to overcome!
Excellent talk, especially for providing the main reason why we must get away from the abusers first - to have the space to recover, to reclaim and love our own true selves. Thanks so much, Patrick.
Moving overseas makes cut off physically easier... but it certainly doesn't make it any less emotionally painful. It's been 12 months now, and while it's been a rollercoaster ride dealing with all the painful emotions of facing childhood trauma head on, the inner peace that comes from standing in MY truth makes it all worthwhile.
"Half safe people are not safe" - that really hit home for me today, as I have slowly come to accept that certain family members fall into that category. When you're the only one in the family who can recognise the abuse for what it is, sometimes it makes you wonder, "Am I the crazy one here?"...
⭐ "But again, we *_don't_* let toxic people tell us who we are anymore." ⭐
Asking myself if I would continue to allow a family member to be in my life, abusing me, if they were a friend or acquaintance, is the best test of all. It has allowed me to let go of guilt at having being cut off from family ties. Just love your videos. Keep them coming. Happy Christmas to all who are recovering from challenging family relationships 🎄❤️🎄
2 years have gone by since I did my family cut off. I had just moved back closer to family, after 20 years away, and it took only a year of repeated boundary crossing for me to cut them off. In that time period a sister that had left the family (who I had not seen in 30 years) died and no one from my family attended the funeral. I am currently delicately trying to reconnect with another sister, and her two daughters, who had been cut out of the family 12 years ago. The two of us, my sister and I, have had many revealing conversations about my mother as our decision to go no contact mirror each other. Boundaries! My mother is unable to accept the boundaries of her adult children and when crossing them is also unwilling to apologize for her actions, in her words “I’ve done nothing wrong”. I have little hope that those remaining siblings in my family system will reach out anytime soon as they like the portrayal of the “Happy Family” that they have erected around themselves.
I had a good friend come to visit from out of state before Thanksgiving last month and during a day of sightseeing, at our last stop, we ran into a wedding party taking pictures. I was complimenting the brides choice of color for her bridesmaids gowns when I realized that this was my nieces wedding, the very person who triggered the cut off. The daughter of my brother who had called and threatened both my partner and I for calling her rude and inconsiderate after she had stolen things from my home while house sitting. My goddaughter. I was visibly shaking and am glad to have had my friend (older than my mother!) there beside me who was able to console me and keep me grounded. I did poke my head around the corner and call out a congratulations to my niece to which she responded “thank you!” I doubt she realized who I was in the moment. The universe is an interesting place, so novel. I had wanted to see her on her wedding day as we had, what I thought was, a good relationship. I had flown her out to visit me numerous times in Seattle. Taken her to NYC for broadway shows and shopping trips. I digress though, I was a transaction to her nothing more. I am of course sad about this last encounter, but it was quite revealing. My friend and I were inside of a mansion turned museum looking out at my family taking pictures with the museum as background. So close, but so far away. A facade of the “Happy Family”. A close family friend text me asking me where I was as she had wanted to see me at the wedding and I simply responded that I was “personae non grata”. A sibling posted the wedding photos with the caption “FAMILY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING”, all caps…all passive aggression.
Proximity raises the odds of these encounters and sadly my partner and I are preparing to sell our dream home and move out of state. I’m going to stay on track to be the healthiest me possible and am thankful for this experience of living close to home again. I cannot un-know what I now know and am thankful that my partner was here to keep me sane and on track. This is no home, it is a house of lies.
Thank you Patrick! You really are the best I have found addressing these complicated family issues. I appreciate all you do for all of us here. Happy Holidays!
This has gotta be the most helpful/best piece of media on cutting off your family I've encountered so far. Maybe it's just hitting me at the right time, but yeah.
This thanksgiving was my first one away from my family. Right now I'm still on the brink of being totally homeless, so I'm still living with my abusive father (though that could change literally any day, I'm not exactly safe where I am now), but I took a big risk and went on a long drive on thanksgiving day rather than spending it with family members. It was wild. I drove a good ways, and I listened to loud music and screamed in my car, and then I sat on top of a rock for like an hour in a total daze, and I ate a lot of granola and watched the other families hang out with their kids. Surreal. I cried a lot. I kind of expected to.
I've gotten by thus far by being very submissive and brushing off the evidence that he's hurt me so badly and he's not gonna change, but I've started really standing up for myself lately, so it's gotten bad-- or, it was always bad, but it's gotten worse, honestly. I'm almost thirty. I tried making this shit with my father work for years, years and years. After my mom died I tried. I tried so hard. I got trapped with him during the pandemic and blew my life apart. It's been hell.
There's a part of me that kind of still can't believe I'm getting ready-- really ready-- to cut him off. I've always struggled with feeling like I'm allowed to take care of myself, since I was punished so badly for ever saying "no" as a kid. This has been real years in the making for me, and I'm scared shitless, but I'm trying to talk myself into feeling hopeful for the future. I don't know. I feel different.
Sorry, that was really long-winded. Uh, thanks! I'll probably come back to this video a lot.
Stay strong. I hope you find a safe, peaceful place where you can stay and heal. You can do this!
@@Sarah-mi2rv thank you!
I'm a hot mess. I thought I had come so far. I thought I was so healed. Since the 1st video I watched of yours, I have experienced trigger after trigger and I'm spiraling like never before. I detached 25 years ago, worked in the social work environment under the belief I had helped so many. Now, I look at my life and the hatred my own children look upon me with. I thought I had done better, done more, loved healthier. My reality is harsh.
I'm in the process of cutting off my mom physically, mentally I've been able to however, it's expensive and I still live with her. Though, it will be scary, I can't wait to be able to move on and be away from her, thank you so much for this video! I hope you have an amazing day to everyone that happened to read my comment
Patrick, I love it when your Bostonian accent comes out! This video was medicine for me. I’m mid-cut off with a couple covert toxic people after a verbally and emotionally abusive episode where I had enough. Though it’s tricky because my life was already in limbo… divorcing an alcoholic and currently staying with a family member. This family member keeps bringing up how much it hurt one of the toxic people when I didn’t acknowledge her birthday following the abusive incident. It’s exhausting being under the same roof. This person definitely has a different story of our family. Looking forward to when I am able to get into my own place… I’m working on it. This video gave me the encouragement and validation to stay strong and true to myself. I feel so much calmer and grounded after I watch these. Thank YOU!!
Thank you. Perfect timing for this video.
It's going to be the 6th christmas without my ex family, but my first alone. For the first time I really have nothing planned : not spending it with friends, but also no "early" or "late" christmas planned with anyone to not be completely alone. Everyone is busy, the friend I have spent most of those hollidays with now has a serious relationship and they'll be in his family...
The loneliness really hits hard in this period.
But your video reminds me of the important thing : those years of cut off now have allowed me to heal enough that I can imagine having a child in the next few years.
By not being in those toxic Christmas days being humiliated and abused I'm preparing the stage to have healthy happy hollidays with a child one day. And that's what matters the most.
Thanks again.
Hugs of support to you, I understand how hard it is. Stay strong.
@@ruby-qv5bd Thank you!
Thanks for this. I’m in a weird cut off position right now. It wasn’t by choice. I told my mom I’d like to seek counseling together. She decided we (my husband and I) were cutting her out of our lives. Stopped talking to us for 3mos and only started talking again to guilt trip us for not getting to see our kids. She never once asked to see them. Now she’s finally agreeing to go to counseling together but I think she’s just doing it to get what she wants. That’s frustrating for me. I’m just tired and ready to heal and move on.
“Paying for the peace” resonates with me. I just came across your channel an hour ago. thanks Patrick.
I felt like a refugee as well, when cutting off my narc family. In fact, I felt like leaving a war zone behind me and surprised that other people peacefully interact with their family members, instead of running for a "cover" constantly. Mind you, nobody was smoking or drinking in my family, just plain simple, borderline aggressive narcs.
I moved away and although it wasn't a cutoff I was still alone over the holidays. It took me some time to adjust but it actually doesn't bother me anymore. It's kind of boring anyway when you aren't a kid anymore. I had a big lifestyle change and stopped looking forward to gorging on food over the holidays. I also realized that doing all the cooking and decorating is a lot of work and I was exhausted afterwards. I also started a business and I can take any day off I want and so there's no pressure to cram a lot of activity into a couple of days. I love the season but I delay the hype until just before the actual day and by the time it's arrived I've had my fill and am ready for the season to be over. It's really helpful for me to just be OK with whatever happens and however I feel, but it doesn't bother me to be alone anymore. I've realized that I don't share my family's values either, and I'm not willing to put up with their toxic behavior anymore.
Finally a comment I relate to. I just now clicked on this channel, mainly for the stories & experiences :/ & im late but I gave up on blood fam a life time ago. Im only 39 but I've had like 9 lives, I do believe. I dont really remember my 1st yrs alone on the holidays but I do recall driving in the night streets alone. And I saw stragglers... going through drive through thinking welp, im not actually alone...
My new chapters are the douchebags fams. Omg its never ending
"The person you might really want and need in your life is choosing the toxic family over you, because it's easier to disappoint you and let you down, and put you in that old role, than it is to go after the toxic family member or system." That cuts so deep.
'half safe people are not safe' - Patrick thank you so much for these videos. You can't begin to imagine what you're doing for me. I've never needed content like this more, and here you are, making it free and accessible. I can't thank you enough. You're helping to keep me remember I'm sane in a scenario where I'm being reframed as mad for objecting to abuse. I'm lucky to have one safe person in my life, thank goodness, but your words are hitting hard. I'm in the UK so we don't do Thanksgiving, but that example you gave could have easily been one of my own memories with a few minor tweaks. What you are doing on this channel is everything. I can't tell you. I'm so sorry for your trauma, but I'm also so thankful that you've used it to help others. This channel is a blessing and a safe space. You're just incredible for doing this, even though it probably retraumatises you sometimes to go through it all. Yeah, you're honestly just incredible. That's all I can say. Thank you so much x
Thank you for this extremely timely and much needed video. This video gives me the courage to stay firm in my decisions to cut off so that I can heal and break the cycle of abuse. “Half- safe people aren’t safe.” I needed to hear that. You described my situation exactly. Thank you. God bless you and Merry Christmas 🎄. Sending good thoughts to everyone who is navigating a cut off. Stay strong and know that your health, sanity and life are worth it. ❤️
My sister cut our immediate family off several times for 3 or 4 years each time. We never knew what we had done. She was so troubled and toxic and i never knew what was wrong. We knew to expect it every so often. I always wondered how one person could cause so much pain for others, so much turmoil and trauma. Yet I loved her and still do. So did my parents. Very sad, never understanding why she was the way she was. One time after she told me about a serious delusion she was having, i talked her into going to a psychologist, and gently pursuaded her to tell him what she had told me. (her delusion at the time) I thought finally, she would get a diagnosis and some meds to help her be happier. She went and then came and told me he diagnosed her with "social anxiety" I asked her if she described the "delusion: she was having, and she said no. So that was that..
A half safe family member is not safe. I will remember that. Thank you👍
I did a cut off from my family and afterwards would not attend family holiday gatherings and other family get togethers.
How I remedied holidays is that on holidays, I would invite people who do not have family or friends to go home to. I do this at my apartment building and make dinners for them. I either bring the dinners to them or if they want, they can come over.
I've been doing this for 6 years and it feels good to bless someone who doesn't have anywhere to go.
Another way to illiminate the lonliness is that you can volunteer at a soup kitchen or at churches during the holidays. This to is another way to distract yourself from the lonliness and reach out to people who are less fortunate and blessing others also blesses you.
I'd rather spend holidays with people who really appreciate me than to spend holidays with people who do not appreciate me.
H
I failed at Cut off. My mom is 92. I show up, help her with things, and say I love you. I am not happy with how I treated during my life with her.
Don't say that you failed. Your compassion and empathy were too strong for you to be able to "cut off" your elderly mother. At least that's how I see it.
I don’t think you failed at all. I did the same for my father in his 90s. I let go of what I wanted it to be long ago. At 93, he couldn’t hurt me anymore. What I did do was give to him when he was vulnerable all that WASN’T given to me as a child, all the while inadvertently teaching him through example how it SHOULD have been. People would ask me how I could do it. My answer…& I don’t even know where these words came from…they just popped out: How else would he ever know God’s love if I didn’t SHOW him? I was surprised at my response but upon reflection I knew it was true. He was grateful in the end & I am proud of myself for taking the higher road. Am now at peace knowing I acted with integrity & love toward a man who foolishly missed out on a lovely daughter & family in life. Of course, this may not be the answer for everyone but to do what you are doing is not a failure 🙏! Honor yourself always for you are wonderfully made 🥰👍!
I have been cut off since I can remember! I was the scape goat! I was asleep and thought it was normal! Really?? It's wonderful to awaken to how mean my family was and how asleep and abused I was! So happy to finally get out! You totally just described my family!!! In detail alcohol abuse too! Thankful for social media helping so many of us! ❤
I related to so much of this. Lots of stuff I needed to hear, especially this time of year. It helped me to shed some of my guilt from being no contact and gave me some things to remember in order to stay that way for my healing.
V sorry to hear you suffered in childhood, and thank you for becoming a blessing to those who hear your words. As a widow of 79 and mother of a 50yr old son who recently cut himself off from me and his sister who lives with me and the estranged mother of his sons, and the sadness and shock it has caused us, it has been so helpful listening to your/his side of things. My husband drank and was mostly angry and impatient but I kept pretending we were all alright, throughout his lifetime. In doing that I realised several years ago that I had betrayed and so damaged my children, but didn't know what to do about it at this late stage.
Listening to you I can now let go, stop wanting from him, and pray in time he will find healing and peace.
Have you admitted this to your son and honestly apologized? Maybe it would help him... At least this is what would help me process everything if I heard a sincere apology from my mother. Not an 'I'm sorry you feel bad‘-apology but an acknowledgement from her for the things she did.
If you truly feel remorse and are willing to change, you should tell him. I can tell you, if my mother actually did this, it would make a difference to me. Unfortunately my mothers husband is a danger to my children, so I cannot maintain a relationship while she’s with him, but it would be helpful to hear.
It's so hard around the holidays because that was a time I could get my narcissistic mother to at least pretend she liked being around me, because she was performing for other people, for my dad, and for family and friends...and she was nicer when her kids were at her command, falling over themselves to please her and to throw the perfect holiday party...pretending perfect family with dutiful kids made her look good, so she was nicer to "pay her end of the transaction" I suppose....I remember not wanting guests to leave and being more than disappointed when they did, the same way I was when my friends went home at the end of the playdate, because nice Mama went away when the guests were gone.
It's easy for me to slip into trauma bonded holiday role with euphoric recall, and forget that abuse happened during the holidays too, but I know that if I get sucked back in, my future kids will end up becoming the collateral damage of an unhealed mother, and I cannot have that.
This is my second year not being a part of the holidays, and it is sad, but I'm going to try and do something small to celebrate from an authentic place.
This is so on point that I don't have time to delve into all the great points you made. I am planning my cut-off as I type. Last month, my mom who I currently live with stopped talking to me because I wouldn't violate the boundaries I set with my toxic and abusive sibling. This same sibling was temporarily cut off by my mom once she showed her true colors, yet my mom invited her back without telling me, knowing that I want nothing to do with her. Anyway, after my mom's guilt-tripping failed and I went into survival mode by emotionally detaching from my mom, things got very intense.
The silent treatment went into a smear campaign, inviting that same sibling over daily and this sibling going into her routine of being disruptive, abusive, and just an agent of chaos really. It got to the point that even when I would physically separate myself by going outside, into the garage just to have a space to study, both my mom and sibling would disrupt me, knowingly trying to provoke me. Then on top of all of that, my mom got increasingly angry because I was helping my disabled aunt, so she would say things like "If you can do for her, you can do for me". My mom took away my house keys from my purse while I was asleep, moved in another relative who had sexually abused me (and others) when I was about 5. I paid her less rent because with more people in the house, my portion should be less, right? WRONG! She sent me this passive-aggressive text saying that I was trying to short-change her and that I wouldn't have a problem paying the same amount if I lived elsewhere even though I had just foot the bill on $2,000 car repairs. I told her that I will give her more, then she replies "No. Thanks....I'm good"
I just accepted a job out of state and I will be moving in 3 weeks even though I haven't told my mom yet. I know now without a shadow of a doubt that I cannot trust her and that she'll break my confidence and tell my business to the very relatives I told her I don't trust (which she is now a part of). I am lowkey agonizing over my word choice in telling her that I am moving. I refuse to disclose where I am moving to, and I will be changing my number once moved). I HATE that I will be here for Christmas and that there won't be a library, store, or even gym open for me to escape to. It's even started now, she's trying to "go back to normal" with me as if the last 6 weeks didn't happen. I refuse to act like all of what's happened is okay just because it's Christmas. I'm not with the fakery! The new year cannot come fast enough. For my own safety and sanity, I know that I have to cut ties with ALL family; otherwise, I will get sucked back in.
Patrick, THANK YOU. It has almost been a year-ish since my cutoff started. It was solidified for me a month ago by the ugliest text message I have received. I find it hard to journal, but these exercises helped and now my hand is cramping from all the writing. Lol. I think the hardest part are my little siblings I left behind who are 7 and 10. I know they already have trauma responses. The hardest part is feeling like I have abandoned them and left them to fend for themselves. This eats me up every day. Any advice? We are 15 and 17 years apart. I practically raised them. I still wish to communicate with them, but I know it must first go through my mother, who I cut off. This has been the toughest part. Thank you again for what you do. You are insightful and appreciated more than you know!!
I have younger siblings 14 and 16 years younger than I, and I very much relate to this. For years, I put up with a lot more abuse from our BPD mother in order to have better access to them. Fortunately, they are now grown and we can have our own relationships, independent of her. But, I struggled for years when I would have preferred to cut her off entirely. If you can try to work with other family members (their other parent, or grandparents) to be able to spend time with your siblings, that can go a long way toward reminding them that you are there for them, for when your parent's abuse is too much to bear. This is such a hard place to be in, and I feel for you.
Feeling with you as I read this Ashley. So painful. I hope you find a way to let your siblings know you love them and they remain close to your heart 💙
Hi Ashley, This advice won't necessarily help your siblings, but I hope it might be helpful for you. I used to feel a ton of shame and guilt about not having taken care of my younger siblings well enough (i.e. perfectly). It wasn't until recently, when I was able to have more compassion for myself, that I realized this was one more thing in the way of my own healing. Wanting to take care of our younger siblings is a good thing that comes from our hearts, and giving up the guilt and shame I had felt about not always being able to do so hasn't lessened the love and concern I feel for my siblings one jot. I don't think I could make my own progress, though, if I had continued to hold myself accountable for being their parent. It really helped me when I realized I was berating myself for exactly the same things my parents would have shamed me for - not being a perfect adult at the age of 11 or 15 or 17 or 22. And I wasn't instead holding my parents accountable for the responsibilities they had to me or my siblings, which I guess is the purpose of us taking on that guilt.
Anyway, I know you'll do what you can for your siblings, and I hope you'll be able to know that that is enough, even when it feels like very little. Your first responsibility is to yourself, and that sounds super selfish in this context (because children!), and yet I think most of us who grew up with toxic parents don't really understand how important and essential and neutral (as in neither selfish nor unselfish) putting ourselves first in our lives really is.
If you practically “raised them” this is a special circumstance. If they have looked to you as a parental figure and if you are attached to them, this needs special thought. You’ve essentially cut them off too. This might be best-or not. You are sacrificing your own connection to them. If this must be collateral damage, you have to know for sure that this is still the wisest path. On the other hand, if your siblings are not part of the abuse pattern that damages you, you might be able to find creative ways to maintain connection. They may feel abandoned but you have feelings of loss as well. If your Mom will sabotage your efforts at connection, or disparage you in your efforts, that is a consideration as well. I would practice “First things first”. If you are in a healthy and resilient place (the first thing) you can get creative about reaching out to your siblings-with the understanding that it might not work out. It will likely be, at minimum, challenging. Have support.
Patrick, thank you for this lesson. I have been no contact for over a year and Christmas was difficult. You helped me remember why I had to do it. I must revisit this often.
I have had more pieces in my life since the cut off. My family and friends have noticed a big change in me. I have erected some boundaries with them as well because I found that my own husband and children were starting to treat me the way my siblings and parents did.
I find it quite challenging to have personal boundaries. People don’t like you when you have boundaries.
Thank you for this video, Patrick! I just initiated my own family cut off two months ago. I did not observe Thanksgiving Day with them (did my own thing that day, went to a spa), and it was just the best thanksgiving ever. The space I have had in the past two months have been exactly what my adult self and inner children (yes plural) self needed. I'm working on creating a healthier sense of self, got a pretty long way to go, but thats ok. I appreciate this video because it does come at the right time for me. Need the reminder/validation that I am doing the best thing for myself and also my child.
I'm so happy that this video came out today because I cut off my mother two days ago and Patrick addressed all the things I've been worrying about.
Aren’t the holidays grand?!? Total sarcasm there.
A good reminder that no one causes, cures, or controls another persons's alcoholism or behaviors.
My dad and sister connected with my ex-wife (who I don’t have a good relationship with) to get Xmas presents to my kids last year after I cut them off. This was not about my kids but about them looking good, and trying to punish me. Cut off still in effect.
23:49 if you have to be alone:
I actually love being alone for holidays. I don’t have to worry about expectations. I can have my cozy house to myself, watch shows and movies, eat what I want, do what I want, nap, not worry about being triggered, not worry about am I being good enough? It’s like a sacred time. Holidays all by myself are precious… calm, cozy.
And I usually celebrate holiday stuff on other days… like maybe do a Christmas brunch w this friend or that or siblings in certain quantities and spaces I can handle.
Thank you for this. I was definitely struggling with my enabler father for a long time. He became more and more abusive the longer I was no contact with my mother. He recently had heart surgery. I wrongly thought this would help him choose to just have a loving relationship with me despite my being no contact with my mother still. It was an awful couple conversations with him that were mostly him guilt tripping and gaslighting me; including blaming his “broken” heart on me. Then him guilt tripping my husband for an hour. After that I lost it and stayed in my truth and called out all his lies and gaslighting with a simple, “that is not true”. This escalated his anger and yelling. This time, HE got fed up and abruptly ended the call. Sadly, I believe that to be the last conversation I will ever have with him. You mentioning “half safe people” helps me with this cut off. It has been way harder than my cut off with my mother as my dad, while emotionally immature, was a loving, kind dad growing up. He has become someone I don’t recognize and is now very toxic for me. Thank you for all the videos you do. I am saving this one for when I inevitably have a doubting day and want to try again to get my old father back.
Thank you so much for this video. This is helping me so much. I cut off my parents a few months ago and lost most of my siblings in the process. "Half safe people are not safe" is a life-saving statement. Thank you