How Narcissists Sucker You Into Their "Feed Me" Game
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 9 มิ.ย. 2023
- Narcissists may entice you into believing that they are a friend or ally, when in fact, they are actually seeking narcissistic supply. Dr. Les Carter describes how desperately they want you to admire them, and he describes a game they play that could be called Feed Me, Starve You. Once you recognize it, you can be poised to step aside from the manipulations that are inevitable.
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They will trigger your anger then accuse you of being short tempered and tell you " you need to work on your temper . " I pity these people for real
My phony malignant psychotic narc "mother" did this routine and the ran to the telephone to "tell" like the 5 year old child she was. Then, when the cops got involved, she always was the helpless victim and I was the "crazy" son.
Guess who got taken to the "crazy" house and had poisonous narcotics forced into his body by
idiotic nurses under the direction of diabolical and manipulative quacks (psychiatrists). 😈😈😈😈😈
Finally he realized that I wasn’t getting triggered & just left!
That is exactly what they do, so madenning
Yep, it’s called DARVO or reactive abuse.
they press& probe& prod( then).. if I cry thay laugh or say WHAT A TEMPER! sick
living with a narcissist drains all your energy, sucking all your health.
This idea of "feed me/starve you" reminds me of advice I got once: Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. It is not worth it to systematically destroy yourself just to make someone else feel better.
Exactly.But with narcs even if you DO give them the supply/control they want... They're still not going to actually feel better over the long-term due to all the issues that go with being a narc😳.
@@malwads1836 Of course not. They'll only be fed. For a time. Until they ask you to set yourself on fire again.
😂😂😂😂😂 never set yourself on fire to keep someone warm…I needed this laugh
YES, that's a perfect analogy...
Seems they rule out of the grave....bad the quilt for one still alive yoe can do anything as long as you not enjoy. I blame the fathers mothers rhat did not brake the sircel me fed up
A narcissist will act one moment like they care and you let your guard down (or don’t know yet what you are dealing with) and share personal things about yourself and then they whip around and use what you told them against you. Never, ever share beyond surface level details with a narcissist.
True
true. never tell anything to a narcissist. they will use that against you, more like a devil that uses your sin to bend your knee.
Oh so true!
After being so introverted for decades growing up, I've become much more relaxed, open, friendly... so it's actually a real challenge for me to compartmentalize what I can share and what I WILL NOT... but with my 2 current home care clients, I DO IT. It's for my own protection.
Unfortunately some narcs have even invaded the comment sections of these communities & try to use what you post against you😬🙄.I'm guessing it's because supply isn't as easy for a lot of them to get as it used to be due to this info getting out more & more🤔.
Through constant disruptions the narcissist breaks your focus on your interests. You are supposed to be only occupied with them.
Preach!
Indeed.
Yes
Maria, the way you stated this is amazing. So very, very true. Thank you!
@@makesnodifference , thank you. Glad you can benefit from my observations.
A narcissist is indeed a “Victim” of themselves! 💐
Pretty much!
Say that👍🏽!...
...and they try and drag you down with them.
Let them fall into their own pitfalls⬇
And the rest of us are collateral damage
"Keep in mind that narcissists will often come at you with a combination of ingratiating behaviour, and then Aggressive behaviour..."
SO spot on. It's actually very dark. Disagreeing with them often turns into a sort of "shotgun" referendum on your relationship or good rapport.
This is school yard bully tactics and people should be incredulous, when a supposedly grown person behaves this way.
i usually was so incredulous i was speechless. that of course also works in their favour, but the discard worked in mine because i've had the opportunity to put all of those behaviours into the proper context and truly had the veil lifted from my eyes. no one will ever shame or belittle me into believing i am the problem again nor will i be left speechless, which is exactly why i was discarded. they realized i was starting to really see them, before i did!
Thank you for that. The discard worked in my favor as well. It was the best thing that could have happened for me and my stepson. The Narcissist felt like he was losing control he knew that I saw him and so did his son and there was nothing else he could do in this space so he left. That was two years ago I have not talked to him, text him or had any concern about his well-being that is none of my business. Yeah he saw that I was starting to see through his ass like glass, and it wasn't until he left that I begin to see all of the narcissistic behavior that I had enough backbone to stand up to that's why he didn't get to drag me, abused me or control me. He also thought he had Financial control over me and a power greater than him cuz he did have a god-like complex fixed it right up whereas my step-son and I don't need him for a damn thing. He was so busy in his alternate reality and his fantasy of who he thought he was that he didn't see my strength. I bet he can see it now
@@user-rh5mz2td6r it is so crazy how much they manipulate, including their own selves, with projection that they're literally oblivious when someone sees thru their deceptiveness, including being able to feel them even through their fake social media profiles, which is why im going to be advocating for social media accounts to legally require they are tied to a real identity in the real world via government id. because these people do a lot of damage to others with fake profiles alone. one i know of, has dozens of fake profiles and personas but can sense them behind every single one of them as they stalk me around various social media platforms!
Yes, when a grown person behaves this way, it says they are immature.
@@user-rh5mz2td6rYou are such an amazing person for rescuing his son.
It's hard being negatively judged by others when what I do is saying no to being abused.
Then don’t pay them any mind! Why do you value the opinions of those who do not respect and love you???
EXACTLY!!! 🎯
@@K3uzz unhealed trauma... simply saying “NO” causes them to double down on punishing you ... get away and grey rock ... take care of you first. 💐🥰 They don’t love you. They don’t love themselves. You can’t make them. It’s sad...
@@K3uzz It's not that I value their opinions. It's the fact other people value their opinions, such as police. These people will craft lies to try and get you killed and they do it "in the name of love". Afterwards they are like "That wasn't my intention at all. How was I supposed to know that would happen?" Divert it right back to them being the victim. The flying monkeys come and harass you for what you "just put them through." It's maddening!
Narcs put labels on everything and place themselves in group A and you in group B. Anyone in group A can do no wrong. People in group B can do no right. It's to dehumanize you. This is what tyrants have done throughout history to anyone who dares dissent from them. Then they can call for you to be eliminated "for the greater good". "The ends justify the means".
@@greengrace21 My guess is that "they" could be anyone fitting the description with regards to narcissistic behavior and all and how those behaviors can and often do appear in the lives of Team Healthy.
“You need my input. I don’t need your input.” Hits it on the nail!
They NEED for you to BELIEVE that you NEED them in order to be alright. It’s completely backwards from reality, really. 😌💓
💯% Absolutely!
Thing is, i think my mother actually believes that every really can't manage without her. Now everyone has broken free of her, she's totally lost. I feel sorry for her - but no desire to be in her vicinity.
Nailed it.
Just had a light bulb moment. They get angry and behave like crap because you don't give them what they want while they also make you the culprit for them behaving like shit because you didn't satisfy them. Double trouble!! 😂
There is only one winner in their game. The only winning move is not to play.
Is not white water rapid Double Trouble between Diamond Splitter and Hell Hole on the Ocoee in Chattanooga?
It's particularly rough when it's a literal "feed them and you starve". Seriously, if more people would look at them like they are as crazy as they are, it MIGHT let them know their game is NOT ok.
They don’t care. They have no morality.
Here's the problem: they act differently with other people. So, you're having to deal with their flying monkeys. People think you're the jerk.
Narc, don't care they still have their associations who the suck up to! When I left narc I told him there was 2 sides to him, and of course he said 'ive never been told that before!!???😂
COERCION Big Time!...and there's no justice redressal in place to help the real victim, I was robbed - defamed - 'Abused' - ostracized - and am being revictimized in my present circumstances, including ALL the triggered BAD Memories.
I have a tendency of giving one too many chances. Maya Angelou said If a person shows you who they are believe them the first time
My ex constantly accused me of enjoying fighting. In his mind, anything other than 100% agreement, enthusiasm, or total submission to whatever he wanted constituted a fight that I started. He also accused me of never wanting to compromise when EVERY compromise he ever suggested completely favored him and ignored my wants and needs. He'd become angry when I would point that out. They want their spouses to be slaves, not partners.
I have a friend who, when she talks, I always give my 100% listening ears of attention. But I noticed if I try to make even one comment, she completely disengages or acts as though she didn’t hear me at all 😂 I noticed my mother in law does this also. I will be listening ears and once it’s my turn it’s almost like crickets 🦗 😂
The are probing for intel to use against you later.
My MIL is a narcissist. After 22 years of knowing her, I don’t tell her much about My life anymore. It’s not worth it. She never talks about herself in an honest light (just made up wonderfulness) 🙄because that would be no fun.
@@Jinger17 I’ve only known her about 6-7 years. I’m usually very gullible so when she constantly speaks in a positive light I’d believe it but then the math isn’t matching because she’s so explosive and negative to her teen children who still live home.
@@dakoderii4221 that makes sense 😒
Yes!!!! I’ve known quite a few people who do this. The conversation must be all about them. 😠
This is so encouraging and so discouraging at the same time. I know I am not crazy, I have lived with this for 30 years, spouse was clinically identified as NPD by 2 psychologists. This whole video describes life in our home. It will never change. I've spent my married life in endless arguments and turmoil, and I truly have done everything I could, acted like someone I don't want to be, and want to live like me again. I am in an unwinnable war against evil. The victory is in leaving and choosing to live well. My faith is Christian so divorce is a hard issue, but staying puts the narc as the god in my life. I was not created to be his supply. Thank you, Dr. C., for your care and love for Team Healthy!❤ And thank you, Team Healthy! I'm blessed to be on the journey with you all.
I stayed 31 years and like you, finally understood what was going on. I encourage you to get to a safe place where you can think and pray and protect your finances and favorite things before you do this and be willing to l let God guide, but divorcing my narc was the way I followed God out of a hell hole of death and misery. God honored my choice to correct the bad decision I had made to marry someone He did not approve of and Proverbs tells us to get out of bad decisions we made quickly. Including marriage.
@@trumpeterswan4177 exactly. The contract is null and void (as in the narc cheats, lies, and deceives in every way possible, especially in long term situations) and the reality is everything we think that we know about is perhaps 1 percent of it.
Get out, stay out, it only gets worse, and it’s hard to be close to God when living with a false idol that demands a person live in a manner that is not what God wants for any of us.
Life is so great once we are healing and removing the unnecessary evil from one’s world.
@@trumpeterswan4177 AMEN VERY well said! I did the same & God has blessed me now more abundantly! In fact, God brought people, finances etc into my life in miraculous ways & made a clear path for me to Get FREE from the situation
The Pastor that originally married us even was HAPPY & said to me "That went on for far too long" God sees our heart. I can now do MUCH more for His kingdom being FREE.
You can liberate yourself from marriage if you look at it from this point of view; you didn't married the person you were in love with because he lied to you therefore, you didn't exercise your free will and your marriage is null.
so leave.
there are words they use at the end of a question to start an argument '' don't you think ? '' nothing is about what the other person thinks it is all about what they want to impose on the other person to think this is a way for them to look for admiration the narc i had in my life wanted to argue and brainwash into thinking they were '' helpful '' when unmasked one finds out they were being used i will not warn other relatives about them since they will defend them they will say '' but she is so nice ''
That's a good observation that I'd not really thought about. They set you up for a fall!
@@amandaliverpool3374 they really setup the other person for failure so true they use smarmy comments and condescending comments they seem to want to take up room in the other person's mind to drive them crazy i had a narc cousin at my house and she went over boundaries she walked around the house like it was hers and pulled things out of drawers and misplaced them with no concern about anyone this has happened to so many people during the covid lock down she used that as an excuse friends had the same problem with relatives then they have other relatives so brainwashed there is no way to tell them anything these people are completely two faced with no remorse they never realize they did anything wrong they have such a sense of entitlement and subjective thinking there is no way to get through to them people need healing after this to protect themselves from emotional stress people are not obligated to take care of relatives they might be the biggest users of all self care first
My Mom in a nutshell. It hurts.
Growing up with two narcissistic parents I used to take their attacks very personal. They did and said many hurtful things especially for me, someone who is sensitive and always trying to be accommodating and kind. I’ve learned after 32 years it is important to view the narcissist as a toddler. I’ve accepted I have to be the adult in the situation. Narcissists are emotionally stunted adults and their actions are just similar to a toddler, throwing tantrums. As an adult, you don’t get down to the toddlers level and cry and say why are you doing this!?! You stay rational and ignore the bad behavior and wait until they are acting normal again to reward their good behavior. Even if you have to create rational conversations in your head in order to keep your own wits. Don’t give in, don’t get emotional, just remind yourself to be an adult. They want the reaction and control of your emotions. Give them nothing.
Great strategy... I'll give this a try. Thanks :)
same with my malignant narc mom, their brain stop maturing at 3 years old. sometimes u heard kids saying 'don't play with him', jealous, cry, do very childish act. its the same, however narcissist is adult and they want 'real power' to control you. just imagine your fate, life and your family were controlled by a 3 years old. what to do, what not to do, who to love, who to hate totally controlled by a 3 years old.
Always asking me how I get my ideas then criticizing them. Once I told him about a surprise birthday party idea for his brother returning from living and working abroad the whole time. It would be a combination retire / birthday celebration. He tore it to pieces. The day of the dinner party, his eldest sister got up and praised him for calling her with the idea! He kept his head down and said nothing. From that time on I realized what he was doing. Whenever he'd ask me anything I'd ignore him and/or change the subject like he does with me. It's boring but a little less than a lie.
"Feed me, starve you.". Mommy dearest. Together with her favorite description -- of others! -- " It's not enough for me to succeed YOU must also fail.". Faithfully carried out to the wasband. Today is so much better.
I need to say no to the narcissists in my life more. I realized that I am people pleasing them when I say yes, just to avoid conflicts.
In my eyes people pleasers are "doomed" to avoid conflicts because they just love harmony. I also need to say "no" more often but then it sometimes sounds so harsh, which I do not like.
Take care and good luck with "no" 🙏😊🙏
I had a friend who wanted to know more and more and more like a greedy fish about a subject I spent years studying, he thought he was entitled to this for free so I had to stop being friends with him, he was using me for knowledge but not giving me anything in return.
Did not have anything to offer you in return? Did absolutely nothing for you? He spent time with you ONLY to mooch and absorb knowledge off you? Could it be that you shared a common interest and he enjoyed spending time with you? Perhaps it was easier to understand with you teaching it. I think your comment is arrogantly boastful, slightly presumptive and a bit insensitive. It seems to me with the information available; you are the one not being a companion as you view your relation as merely transactional, at best. Some friend you are. I can learn anything I want with a simple Google search and minimal effort. I'd do so any day than to be made feel I am indebted to a "friend" for wanting to have conversations about common/shared interests.
🤡 mans respected you, could have made a valuable friend, however we do not know either individual
Most narcissists are poor at grasping new information while they have a crooked mind😮 so your knowledge still belongs to you....greetings from France 🎉 English being not as precise as I would.
@@poloparker0420 you don't even know me.
I believe it. Exploitation from a narc not only can be tangible but intangible as well. As you mentioned a friend, exploited you for your knowledge and expertise on a subject. Narcs will also use others as a therapist to dump on, someone who will listen to them. However, if you need an ear, they won't be available, and they are not good listeners.
The best thing after a narcissistic relationship, is I observe every word and action, the saddest part after a narcissistic relationship, is I observe every word and action..
Has anyone had someone that your helping them with something and they turn i around and they think there helping you and throw it in your face every chance they get.
Making fun of me because I am a person of integrity😮
That says more about the one who is taunting.
My father uses this very language. Feed me more stuff.
One of the last things I said to him after two years, "You don't know me at all."
Your accuracy is a godsend to recovery. Thank you.
"The carrot and the stick" are one of their entrainment techniques. Thank you Doctor Carter!
My narcissist straight up told me that he loves to "debate" and that he argues things even if he doesn't believe what he's saying. He loves being fed with conflict and arguments. He'd go out of his way to create that. I realized it's his way of having his cake and eating it too. He would create these "debates"/ arguments for no reason and then back away. Then he got to argue but then also blame it on me so that his hands were clean. I was feeding his need. He would gaslight me like crazy to keep himself in the upper hand as the innocent one. If I stopped talking to him he would apologize just so that we would stop talking again and I could feed him with what he needs. Apology literally came after denying everything I said for 3 months straight. Every interaction with him was like 90% talking about his things for hours and then as soon as it switched to me he would be busy and need to go. It was all about feeding his wants. Seriously I dont know how it took me so long to see the pattern.
In addition to everything you’ve said here Dr C., I think it’s important to note that the narcissist makes sure that you cannot ‘please’ them, no matter which way you try or what lengths you go to, because it’s the anger and emotions from the disregulation that they feed off. I think that is their source of energy.
I am someone who will always prop people up, give compliments rather than criticise and give credit where credit is due. I praised my narcissist up and supported him loyally but that is not what he wanted. He would, like clockwork, pick a fight, any fight, to give him the opportunity to criticise me, bring me down unjustly and then feed off my total despair .
That is until I realised what was going on… by coming across your (and others like you) videos and explanations.
Ever since then, it was like water off a ducks back.
Needless to say, our relationship ended because he has nothing to feed off me anymore.
It was funny because as I was in the throws of ending the relationship, I was in the middle of watching one of your videos about what a narcissist does when you call them out (something like that) and he sent me a text which was word for word how you said they would respond! I just laughed… I couldn’t believe it! But it was there in front of me!
Thankyou.
There’s so many variables. I’m thinking they portray a victim, wounded, broke, etc. Then there’s the “gotcha game”, because the predator needs “food”. In other words they set you up for an argument…your response is “food”. I literally told my sister “You’re doing a good job.” She raged “WHAT do you mean?! OF COURSE I am because I HAVE TO!!!” We live together so I try to kerp her stable, occasionally complimenting her to survive. 🤪 My head hurts 🤕
*keep
Sometimes you can't do right for doing wrong 🤷♀️
No good deed goes unpunished…. 🙏
I have many of these mind twisting stories too. Sometimes, when you compliment the n they think you are "up to something" .
@@mariaawake4502 They know their own tricks best ❣
Sorry Mrs. Narcissist, I am not a full serve restaurant 🤣
😅😂🤣
This is all such a headsplitting conundrum for someone raised disabled by narcissistic parents
1:20 feed me / starve u. exploit/ manipulate u
2:37 think in terms of judgment right wrong praise/scorn no collaboration
3:00 1up 1donwn dominate upper hand
3:25 they needy
3:40 fake knowing u
4:00 narc wants to be propped up by u
4:40 know your role
4:50 the more u know the more they do it
5:15 ingratiating and the aggressive
5:30 lets be buddies
6:00 false good will
6:30 call your thoughts/feelings into question
6:50 im correct and better
7:15 black/white pronouncements of their fixed agenda. u need my input not visa versa this sets up a pattern of:
7:50 pattern: yes to them no to me
8:25 irritibility and anger becomes more prominent
8:50 invite to debate and just insult and try to beat on you
9:45 relation is far too 1sided?
10:00 are u too trusting?
10:20 r u conflict averse?
10:40 circular argument w narc
11:00 assume its your role to make/help them think differently? they wont
11:30 there and levels and degrees of this narcissism
12:05 they want to use u
😎
I didn’t need him to make me feel alright. He was the person making me feel not alright! He was the villain in disguise all along faking a long love game
Everything you think, say or do becomes subject to their evaluation, judgement and criticism pulling you inevitably towards subservience and submission. They want you to feel sickeningly lost and to depend on them for directions for your life, to praise their judgemental perspective, and to relinquish any and all other considerations.
But, they are the ones who are truly lost. Their secret understanding that surpasses everyone and everything else is nothing more than pretense to elevate themselves above everyone else. Without your worship, submission, and admiration, they become nothing; and then, for them, you become nothing. People who are something don't treat others like nothing.
They use scorn and derision to emotionally constrain and repress others, all for the sake of their own ego aggrandizement, but no one can ever fill the emptiness and hidden failure of their delusional grandiosity.
No one is the most important thing in life; thus, they follow an inevitable path of pain and loss. They can never understand that everyone is entitled to life and health and that life and health always comes first. They aren't worth emulating, and they only ever win, if you hate them back.
Life is too short for hatred and way bigger than the confines of any one individual's ego to the exclusion of everyone and everything else. Everyone has value and dignity, even the narcissist; the problem and the goal is for them to rejoin the community as an equal in health, I hope.
🤞✌️🙏
They put on a show to pretend they are interested in You, then use whatever You told them, to try to manipulate You. Make sure Your boundaries are STRONG and You limit interaction. We cannot just “run away” from all narcissists in Our life, so understanding healthy boundaries is key!
So well expressed. 🎉 You ve put what is to be done in a nutshell so as to remain civil but manipulation proof 😊
🎯 that is exactly what they do!! I agree don’t walk RUN !!! Never go back !!! 💐😎
Solid boundaries... trust your gut !! Silence is a powerful tool ... love, dignity and self respect... you are worthy !!! 🥰
@@parisizzles3897 Unless the sick mind looming over you is a colleegue or worse your boss . Greetings from France. Sometimes you have to resign before you suffer a lethal burn out.
I literally did run away from my narc parents at age 12. The state put them on trial and I became a ward of the court until age 17 when I was granted the status of an emancipated minor. They even fought that saying that my full time job since age 15 and honor roll grades were not good enough 😢. I am doing pretty well now.. but I am completely haunted …and raising my children is difficult when they are at the ages when I was severely abused. Thank you for these videos 🙏🏽
My brother called me a narcissist before he stonewalled me. Me being my self has always ignored your videos because I didn’t think it applied to me. After what he called me, I became curious, and I began to believe maybe I am one, maybe that is my problem. The deeper I went into it the more I learned I am not, though I have some traits. But through this learning I ran into cptsd. I fit the bill perfectly and now can do what I need to do to heal myself. Dr. C thank you I have been a life time learner all my life but now I have direction because of you and those who share there experience. I am actually healing and I know because I no longer hope others will change, I am blaming you dr. C for showing me the truth 😉. Loving it everyday and I am thankful that my brother called me a narcissist because I may not have know to pay attention to your teaching and still be searching for something that I would never find on my own. Thank you again. 😊
Based on this video - just leave the narcissist but politely and civilly and quietly (if possible) smh 🤦♂️ - chaos not worth it
I have planned a quiet, safe and civil delicate discard of my toxic partner. To ensure this I have asked two friends to be here when I ask him to leave my home. He is too interested in how he is perceived to make a scene. (fingers crossed during this 7 weeks countdown to regaining my serenity and peace.)
I made the mistake of unmasking 4 or 5 this year, I unleashed a whole lot of reputation destruction, shaming, gas lighting and on and on, problem was I thought everyone would see what was happening but since I am currently dealing with a covert she has all my family and friends believing her fake reality, cruel people
@@schizorap, I have a stepmother just like her. They are vicious. She turned my whole family away from me. Stay strong!
leave the narcissist? haha... be prepared for the thunder. first, u have to kiss your image goodbye because smear campaign gonna start. second, be prepared to be the worse villain and most wicked person alive. third, be prepared for tons of 'flying monkeys' and 'judge Dredd'(influenced by the narc) knocking on your door to talk 'sense' into you. to make u crawl back to the narc for mercy.
It's funny how right on point all of this is. It's like you're reading my mail. I've had a very difficult time dealing with my mother. I didn't know what the problem was for most of my life. A lot of things never made any sense to me. I started studying about narcissism three years ago. I finally understand what is going on. My mother is 87, and my dad is 89. I know that I need to be there for them at their age, but it is very hard because the abuse never stops. I love both of my parents. My dad goes through a lot of verbal abuse too when no one is around to see it. The whole thing makes me very sad. I can't believe that it took me so long to know what is going on. Thank you for your program. I'm trying to learn how to change how I handle the situation.
Same. When my Dad died, Mom list her supply of constant attention. She is ridiculous most of the time. Dad covered for her. How can we possibly please our
parents? We can’t, do what you can and let boundaries rule the day.
My mother is 74 and I am waiting for her to die. When you said 87........ my heart sank. I used to feel guilty about feeling that way, but I dont care anymore. I just want it to be over.
@@velveetaslingshot Omg I have the same feelings. Here is to both of us being stronger than their attempts to abuse.
I have the exact same scenario in my life. It seems to have amped up the last few years. My main concern is for my dad.
I am living through the same scenario now. My best advice is go help them, then when you leave their house, put it all out of your mind. I never stop at their house to visit. It only brings pain. I go to my parents to accomplish a task (pay bills, take them to a medical appt) then immediately leave. I don't allow myself to worry about their needs day to day for my own self-preservation, because as they decline I know my time with them will increase. Tomorrow will come soon enough.
1:08 "Game players": I call them "predators."
Dr. C, this is a game the Narc plays so well. "The Manipulative game." If they don't get their way all HELL breaks loose! I put my foot down this week. I'll let you know how it develops.
Please do. I have secretly planned an escape from this toxic relationship but it's seven weeks away. Thank you.
Carrot & stick 🤦♀️ don’t bite!
Watch out, they can go underground with their evil when you put up boundaries.
please let me know you are safe on the other side. If you haven't disclosed your exit, please know, it's best they don't know at all. Be careful.
@@joannajohnson696 Thank you. It is such a secret that only my therapist and one friend knows. Another friend is coming from another state to be here. He will not do anything in front of people. His toxic behavior towards me is limited to when we are alone.
My ex is a narcissist and for a few years I thought I was crazy, until the day I could prove that all I thought he was doing was true, let me tell you I cried of relief... he "erased" me in a way that 3 and a half years after he left( he found a better supply) I still find it hard to know what I want and who I am
When you said, "You have to learn to think like a narcissist." that resonated deeply, Dr. C. This is especially true in the case where one is married to a narcissist and divorce is not attainable. In that situation, you are in the game whether you choose to be or not. The choice that does belong to you is whether you will be a pawn or a Grand Master. Blessings to you both and Gus from California. 🐕
THIS EXACTLY!! 2 more years, my kid will be “legal” and (praying) off to college, and he, and I, am OUT!!! Trying not to fall apart before then-it’s been over 18 years and there are days when I’m really hanging by the thinnest of threads 😩😰
@Warrior Mom You can do this, Sis. You have come too far to faint right before the finish line. Paradise awaits! 💕
@@TC-gx3qn from your lips to Gods ears 😇🙏🏼💪
@@warriormom5843 Amen! 🙏🏽
Yes!
Hello Dr C. and team healthy. My Nana who passed many years ago taught me some golden rules, she lived through the Great Depression. One that has always kept me safe from negative people and toxic behaviors is “if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing as all”. I’ve learned to test the waters with my toes first, giving me time and choices to move forward with self love and self compassion first, allowing me to duck and dodge nasty folk. Thank you Dr. Carter and team healthy. I depend on your guidance and clarity. I very much appreciate the love you radiate out to all of us. It’s some of the only honest , gentle and genuine love, quite a few of us , have ever received. 🕊️👍❤️
Keyannie...you have no idea how encouraging this is to read. Let's each be givers of gentleness, love, and kindness.
DR. C 4 PRESIDENT!! 🥳
Thx You 4 Every Word of Wisdom
😍🤩 🌎 😇
😁🤣if only…
I was sucked into the relationship first by the 'love bombing', then gradually the lies, deception, arguments and disinterest kicked in (12 1/2 years) - he finally left - such a relief! I can be 'me' again!
This is super apparent on social media. They bait for a reaction, then they pounce. They also post things to get people to tell them how wonderful they are. And, I agree, they see things only in black and white. Fortunately they're easy to block or ignore. It's a good way to weed out people you've just met. Send them a friend request and check out their online behavior.
I’m telling you what you are absolutely the wisest person I’ve ever had the pleasure listening to about narcissists, every thing you say describes my fiancé to a T I’ve watched probably 100 of your videos and it has helped me so so so much, i thank you with my entire being and am so thankful to God for showing me these videos.
Thanks so much, Don. Pay major attention to those red flags, especially as she is still your fiancé, as opposed to being your wife...if you get my drift. Best wishes to you.
Another great video Dr.C.
I definitely think I've been too trusting and optimistic with all relationships, romantic or otherwise. I used to think it was negative being slightly pessimistic but I'm learning that sometimes it's necessary for survival!
Just discernment
I’ve had so many narcissistic people in my life that I have lost my ability to trust. I’ve gained trust in myself, but why does it seem like a zero sum game?
You are describing a person I have dealt with for the past nine years. It's uncanny how you point out all the things he does, it's exhausting to deal with. These people are very clever, you don't know what's happening until you are in too deep.
Yesterday, I realized I was beating myself up for not being further along in dealing with my two narcissist, daughters. My thinking shifted, and I remembered that I had given each one of them 18 years of my best attempt at nurturing and love when they were children. Now, they’re in their 50s, And I have identified one of them is an overt narcissist the other is a covert narcissist. I remember when they were children if they got mad at me, it didn’t rock my world like it does now. I have become so needy. I’m trying to get back to realizing that even if they don’t like me I’m OK. thank you Dr. C for these amazing videos.
My brother told me I’m too trusting, yes I am. After this experience with the three that I’ve encountered, can’t take it anymore. I’m better off alone 👍
I just have a few more weeks before I can leave, but it's very tense. I have a final dental appointment, then it's goodbye. Since he retired my narc does nothing but eat, watch TV, and gripe. He's also threatened suicide.
Secretly, I have planned a quiet, safe and civil delicate discard of my toxic partner. To ensure this I have asked two friends to be here when I ask him to leave my home. He is too interested in how he is perceived to make a scene. (fingers crossed during this 7 weeks countdown to regaining my serenity and peace.)
Ah the suicide card. They all do that!
@@dlwilliamson5644 I hope it goes smoothly. You're fortunate to have supportive friends.
@@Hatbox948 Thank you very much for your kind wishes.
Thats the ,i make you responsible for my choices ,don't fall for it .
Ghosted someone with the following traits: me, me, me ... extremely needy, love bomber, gas lighter, classic. Thanks for great videos!
My mother advises when we have to be around my dark tetrad father and/or my older covert narcissist brother, his bipolar narcissist wife and their 8yo sociopathic son, we should always be “on guard”. I tell her “have to” is doing a lot of work. Instead I choose not to be around people who are always “on attack”.
Your videos are really helping me get insights about myself. Not only have been dealing with someone who exhibits narcissistic behavior lately, I have also realized that sometimes I can also act in ways that can be controlling, especially when i'm angry about something or scared that i'm losing people. I think I know a bit more about how to handle intense controlling people and how to not let them get to me, and also how not to allow myself to behave like that to others. Thank you for that.
I also have controlling and passive aggressive traits, and like you, Dr C has helped me recognise them in myself. I'm trying to be very honest, open and neutral in all my dealings with people, without any agendas. Well done to you, for looking at what you bring to the table. I only wish I had done it sooner.
People grow... if they want to. Accountability is always the first step. When people just give up and decide to stick it to the world... that's not growth. I decided a better path for myself and I'm so thankful I did. And it makes it much easier to see those you once saw in yourself. I want to feel for people who are stuck in the game of deceiving others for a shortcut to life but I can't because they didn't do the long hard self-work like I did.
The empath is in counseling and looking for growth as a kind human being forever. Crazy how the narcissist is not or very rarely seeking insight. Covert narcissistic are the worse. The hands down trust me card nailed it. A truly trustworthy and compassionate individual never attempts to prove it as their actions speak for themselves. But like dealing with and abused animal that loving or healing touch and very kind words are on overdrive to reassure the victim that they are safe. Your boundaries teaching is life affirming and thank you so much for trying to help strangers or everyone needing support. Peace doc.
I agree, the narc is not seeking self insight.
Aww, hi Gus! Haven’t seen his sleepy lil self in a while, hope he’s doing well! 🐶
So ironic that the person who told me I was too trusting and too kind was the person who ended up exploiting me worse than any of the other narcissists in my life. I'm learning, but I can't change my nature. I have learned to "debrief" myself after every interaction, and not ignore my gut feeling.
In retrospect it seems like his assessment of you was part of a data-gathering effort.
@@SurvivingNarcissism 100%! And he went on to do the same thing to a number of other people (mostly women), who have all now come out with "the receipts". We are in the process of exposing him because, aside from the emotional damage he has caused, he and his spouse have defrauded dozens of unsuspecting people of thousands (possibly hundreds of thousands) of dollars. Your videos have helped me, and those I have shared them with, immeasurably. Thank you, Dr Carter.
who on earth would put up with this? i got rid of my mother. father, sister and son...all toxic personalities that wouldnt treat me well GONE. I RECCOMEND IT
Thanks for the insights, Dr. C. This was me for over 20 years! Sucked into black and white thinking, convinced that how I was doing everything was wrong, made to go into circular arguments and then whenever logic cornered her, victim playing began; "it's always me in the wrong, yeah sure!" Glad I'm done with that.
My sister perfectly fits all the criteria for a narc
Thank you. Yes, I am seeing this cruel pattern. Listening to you helped me rise up even more and see a larger picture. My husband starves me on so many levels. The thankful thing is that every time he does this I go and create something beautiful. I do something creative, work in my beautiful garden, play with my elderly Pug, take a walk and chat with neighbors, watch your videos and others who teach about narcissist abuse, bake something, talk to God and meditate. I have learned to bring fullness into myself as he tries to hurt me. This has made me feel calm and confident in the face of the covert hate he behaves with. Then he is actually the one who remains empty. But the experience of this kind of cruelty is shocking and horrible.
Yes. I do the same.
Replying to @wendy3992 Dear Wendy, what are you doing still living with your “husband” - this guy - who emotionally abuses you. I was married for 30 years and my ex late husband emotionally abused me. It was slowly killing me. I escaped to a woman refuge. That was nearly 24 years ago. I stayed in the refuge for 18 months was helped to get a divorce solicitor and protection… afit Davit (forgotten how to spell it.)
The most wonderful thing I’ve ever done. Through illness, pain, much gain and FREEDOM!!! E S C A P E. You deserve Life.
Leave, you are not helpless.
Dear Wendy, make a beautiful garden elsewhere. Find a faithful friend, who will help you. I could not even drive. I had spinal problems, past heart attacks (2) with the stress. Just because he didn’t hit me I didn’t realise it was so abusive. He was heavily into porn. I was/ am a Christian. I’d never heard of narcissists. I’m so happy now. You always have to be aware of those who would keep you in a “stronghold”. When you realise - they have lost. Then you never have to give them a handle on your life ever again. You have become strong enough to leave.
WOW I go through this every day with my husband who I don't call him husband anymore, I cal him Narcissistic ass since he tore my heart out. I Gray Rock him now, no eye contact no talking to him. I stopped trying to please him and it's only about me and getting back my self worth of you I am....because I'm the only one who cares about me.
Thank you Dr. Les your helping me getting back to who I am.
Thank you for saving me from today's hoover. Very tough hoover to ignore when it's offering your medicine.
Hello from California Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community. There are only two ways, their way and the wrong way. There are only two sides they side and the wrong side. Once they get you to understand that and then you decide there is another way, that is when you will see the anger and the aggressiveness side of them. Just remember if it walks like a duck and quack like a duck it is a duck. Thank you so much for a wonderful educational and informative video Dr. Carter. You are surely a blessing to us.
I WENT NO CONTACT ABOUT 7 WEES AGO AND I RECEIVED QUITE A FEW PHONECALLS, DIDN'T ANSWER, I WON'T LET ANYONE TREAT ME LIKE THAT FOR TOO LONG, SISTER OR NO, I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS LIKE THIS AS I NEVER SAW HER BEFORE I GOT SICK AND SHE HELPED LOOK AFTER ME, THEN SHE TOOK IT UPON HERSELF TO TELL ME WHAT LIFE WAS ALL ABOUT, I'D SAY 'I KNOW THAT SHARRON", SHE WAS UNBEARABLE GOODRIDANCE! ITS SAD WHEN YOUR WHOLE FAMILY IS NPD, MY OTHER SIS IS TOO AND MOTHER SO-CALLED AND DAD SCHIZOPHRENIC, NOW I'M ALONE WITH MY RAGDOLL CAT, ITS QUITE LOVELY, CLD DO WITH SOME FRIENDS, EVEN THEY HAVEN'T WORKED OUT WELL!
Dr. C- You know my brother!!! We’re both in our mid 50’s. Up until about 3 years ago when I first saw one of your videos, I thought he was just the biggest a**h*** I’d ever known. You know this guy. There’s a method to his abuse. A couple of years ago, after seeing clearly what our whole relationship was, afterI received a text with the usual blame shifting and hate, I told him to believe whatever he needed to on his end to make it all work out for him. What he thought was irrelevant. I knew the truth. He no longer had a sister. I felt FREE. I could breathe. I never have to defend myself to this condescending, judgmental, contemptuous, hateful you know what again. I’ve always been on trial. In the last 10 years it’s gotten worse. This was traumatic but I felt good. No more. I wouldn’t have known about nor grown from your knowledge and TH-cam. I can’t thank you enough. Between you, Dr. Ramani, and Anna Runkle “The Crappy Childhood Fairy” I’m finding answers- more than I ever came close to in 40 years of therapists, trying to understand myself and why I am like I am. You get it. Thank you again. 🙏
Keep learning, Lori66!
I like Dr. Cárter, Dr. Ramani and Anna Runkle - they have so much information that is so helpful. Don’t you wish we knew all this like 30 years ago.
@@Joanna-np6fx I do, but in allowing myself to be caught up in all that, I know I’m just wasting time now. It’s hard. Very hard. As I’m sure you know. Self care (specifically training my mind to think in a healthy way) is the most important and I find, the hardest. Btw- Patrick Teahan is also really good. Seen him?
That is the most chill dog I’ve ever seen. Definitely an empath 😅
Definitely.
I held him up and he held me back!
They can fake being engaged in convos,, they make the right noises, mm, uhhuh, etc, nod their heads, but you find they have no idea what you shared with them, smh
I am not playing this game of feed me starve you because I have been starved to death in all the numerous narcisistic relationships I have had in my life and so, I am not there any more. I can not even think about them.
Dr. C, I can't begin to tell u what a God send ur videos have been towards my 27 year old, soon to be ex marriage to a vulnerable covert narcissist. You have literally lifted the cloud from my brain & i had to deceive him to get out but its no contact & its amazing how much i don't miss him & all the negative energy all the time. If it weren't for these videos, im not sure i would've had the knowledge to understand all the unhealthy behaviors in my marriage or the strength to leave him! God bless you Dr. C for enlightening me❤
Thanks for sharing this...I truly wish the best for you!
there energy is that of a user, being in healing for 4 years almost, since i grew up in a narc family system, and finding safe places to unpack and beseen and believed as a survivor was really helpful i learnt the tools of gentleness nad healthy boundaries that a safe enough person modeled to me, keeping healthy boundaries is important for me and my inner children, and finding safe enough people that will help me meet my needsfor connection, there energy is the energy of a user, healthy boundaries keep me safe, im not interested in being used or sucked by anyone, i need to stay gentle and keep healthy boundaries for me and my inner children, and find my safe enough people, navigating the world that has narcisistic peoeple,with civility and emotional distance and boundaries, taking up my space when i need to for me, and my inner children, and choosing my safe enough people for my circle. Becoming educated on narc dynamics is empowering, you see what their doing, you see that when your calling them out on something, they will try word salading, and dissmissing, you see how they try to interrupt,for hours or dismiss, you get to keep your power better, speak your truth and disengage, its healthy to be in safe enough relationships , take up our space in the owrld, and speak our truth and then disengage when it comes to dealing with narcisistic people that want to blameshift, tand put therir hsit on to us, its their shit not ours, for me its healthy to keep healhy boundaries, and keep finding my safe enough people , wer are worth it and keep healing with gentleness humor love and respect were worth it :) and can keep healing, being genttle on ourselves and finding oru safe enough people, no use in being in parasitical relationships, with leeches that are self serving they reveal theirintention and energy soonr rather than later, becoming educated is helpful so we. can keep finding our safe enough people and disengaging from the users, we are worth it.....!!!!!!!!!!!! God speed wer eworth it. with gentleness humor lvoe and respect were worth it .::)
I have been very low contact with my mother for years now and I still find myself watching these videos trying to get my head around it.
Everyone needs validation .... to be seen. Whether is fun, compassion, beauty, enlightenment, nurture, pleasure, wisdom ... or whatever you enjoying bringing into this world, its validating and connecting to feel your effort appreciated and felt by others. This is human - we all appreciate this emotional nourishment and connection.
What I struggle to understand is why those people, with these traits we describe as narcissistic, are so unpleasant - how does this serve them? How does it feed them? My mother says awful things about everyone- her friends and family especially. People look away, go quiet or make embarrassed sympathy noises - rarely would anyone actually agree with her. Or she will shame people, or try to show off her knowledge in the most inappropriate times .... again people backing off. All this behaviour seems to have the opposite effect from what she wants - she's got more and more distant from people and connection more more elusive.
Ultimately everyone has backed off from her ... family and friends - she is a lonely old lady and its heart- breaking to see. But she still keeps throwing around the same old shit, even though it completely fails to suck people back into her web. It's really puzzling - I still can't get my head around it.
Thats like my mom and I keep wondering how it helps her to push people away like that and talk badly about everyone.
Les mentioning having too much optimism is so on point for me and a lesson I have needed to learn (I've since learned it, not here on this video). I believe every person has the ability within them to live a happy and cope-able life. It the point that I focus on what we can do to improve. I want to solve the problems, so the negative is just a bump in the road for me. But Les so right, we have to be pessimistic sometimes.
I hold myself to a high standard. But not so much of other people because I understand all I can control truly is myself. So with the narcissist I have encountered it was all too easy for them to get me to set my feelings aside and focus on them. Because I felt it was my duty to be the strong one for the relationship(this includes friendship). Its my belief that people should be more willing to help our fellow human out, so far too often I lead by example. However it puts a target on my back for that kindness being used. But after enough times of it happening I'm picking up on the warning signs and able to react appropriately.
A lot of this is in large thanks to the many wise people on TH-cam giving us advice. Les Carter being one of my favorites. If people don't already know this wonderful man also has books!
But overall I'm okay with being used by the narcissist. No I don't want it to happen again, but with the knowledge and skills I had on face value I made good choices. And now older and armed with more knowledge and experience I can protect myself and redirect my kindness to those who will put it to good use and change their lives and the lives of our world.
Don't let the narcissistic abuse stop you from doing good. Don't be afraid. Learn from the experience. We are born human, not perfect. We are going to make mistakes. But what we do next is what tells us who we really are.
MY so called husband at the age now at 74 is really really getting to the point where his so called friends are not really wanting to be around him....Well welcome to my world, they are seeing what I have to go through with him...yes I don't want to be around him either. I really wish I knew what to watch out for because THIS marriage I don't want to be in. These Narcissistic people love to put you down any time they and tear your heart out. I am a Empath and I took my power BACK! and I keep my Heart protected with love to myself.....you gotta work with these Narc's but you don't have to live with them....and if you do.....save yourself...these people are vampires of the Soul. LOL
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!!! You are such a blessing, Dr. Carter. For years I have felt crazy dealing with a narcissistic family member. It's taken far too long for me to figure out that I'm not the problem. Your videos have helped me navigate the guilt of walking away from this family member. I cannot thank you enough.
Oh, "little shop of horrors"..fees me Seymore..those Canadians and their humor is so appreciated in time like these.
I know when I would talk about something that interested me he would rudely interrupt me but when he would talk about himself it was all hands on deck !!! You had to sit there and listen to him just ramble on about himself 😂
Gus is enjoying the better warmer weather , that is evident in his laying further from his blanket he is super sweet 🥰
Dr Carter thank you for all your valuable work. Can you please help me understand the behaviour of malignant narc and that has bipolar too. It was very aggressive and abusive marriage and our children suffered from his rages and angry outbursts too. Even thought he doesn't live with us anymore I can't tolerate loud noises or confrontation with people now and my eldest son who is an adult now also has anger problems now.
CPTSD. You need to focus on yourselves.
Oh my goodness I was offered a live in caretaker job with a youtube Bible teacher. It turned into a exhausting, miserable never ending torture of her moods & never ending "needs". Everyone in her family is controlled & doesn't dare question her & will defend her till their dying day. She threw me out & is refusing that I ever did any work even though I have undeniable proof! I'm living in my car until Monday & the local community churches are going to help me with a place to stay while I work & save up $ to recover from this extreme deception & robbery. It was a BIBLE TEACHER for crying out loud! Some how she is the victim of me because I tried to establish boundaries with someone NOBODY has the courage to limit. It's absolutely insane but living in my car is so much more peaceful & restorative than being stuck in her spider web.
Yup, they confuse you by doing things for you.
Dr. C, sadly my narc. elderly Mother has become expert at this game for her entire life. Part of her game at this late stage is she will refuse to communicate with me and my siblings unless we call her. Like we have to 'kiss her ring and genuflect'. I only call or see her now when I feel I can. Even when I feel I am able, she will always throw some of kind put down zinger at you. It never is a caring and supportive parent-adult child relationship. She continues to have no insight and I no longer want to be held or feel responsible for the way her life is going to end for her. This is a serious and hopeless situation for my broken family. Thank you for sharing. Eileen
They disappeared mid-conversation with photos containing my 5-year-old daughter. Game or not, had I been in the same room with them I would have attacked them with my bare hands for misusing my trust.
My Ex NARC wanted me to be with me and another women i said i really dont share but i told him yes only because i didnt want a serious relationship just yet,my ex over 10 years unfortunately passed away,i went over my ex NARC 1 day in a good mood, looking nice ,he says to me im going to have to let you go because you might get mad if you see me with the orher women i said no i won't told you i don't want a real relationship yet with no one,you know i lost my man,im taking it slow,he just was upset i was good with his game,they a piece of work,he was mad i didnt care that he had 2 women he wanted me to be jelous ,fuss with him ,when i refuse to tried to flip it,they crazy, single is Beautiful ❤
i can't shake the feeling that i'm being bad by ending my relationship with my narc. he's my brother. i know that the relationship is marred by a serious lack of trust and always will be and wild emotional instability on his part -- literally terrifying -- but i keep returning mentally to the notion that I am rejecting someone who is in very bad shape. it's an internal war for me.
The term blood is thicker than water doesn't apply when they are narcs ,you prob be conflicted for some time because you choose him and his game over yours that means you have to work on that your feelings are more importend than your narc brother ,much love ❤
This is exactly my uncle and what baffles me the most is that he succeeded on making everyone very emotionally attached to him. And who i mean by that is his siblings, they still hold a lot of respect to him even though he ruined their lives. absolute madness the things he used to do to us when we were kids, just by playing around he would storm in and poke our heads with a key merely because “we were too loud” and everyone’s parents would side with him that we were indeed annoying! one time he was preaching my older brother and when he saw him smirking he got mad and slapped him, it was too hard that his glasses fell on the other side of the room. I won’t forget that one moment when he was full of joy just because he noticed that i was scared of him, he kept smiling the whole night. Fortunately he is in prison right now, after a lot of attempts from his family to find a good lawyer to him but that did nothing and he got sentenced to couple of years thank god. He verbally and physically abused his siblings but they still say that they can’t wait for him to get out..
Its bad when they try to turn friends against you, after you don't play the feed me game. Don't play cat and mouse with them because you'll lose.
I've been told I'm too nice!
I asked him if he wants to see the video I made, he said no. I sad you don't, he said why would I want to see that for.
Everything is my fault. He whistles like he is enjoying making me feel bad.
On a side note, the ex and I could not even play a board game or cards. Most of the time I won. Ha ha. Sore loser. Thank you for bringing this information regularly to us! I learn from every video!
I recently started getting naively optimistic, but came back to my senses, and reality.
There not interested in knowing you, only in how you should be.
You absolutely DO have the think they way they do, as they are master manipulators and users, who see you as someone entirely beneath them in every way. You are someone who exists to do anything and everything for them, while making them the center of the universe. Always.
They also hate if you ask others fir backup on their pressure and abuse of you. My doctir had to step in andctell my brother he was stressing me post heart failure by his " type A " behavior. Then he wrote a horrible note he accidengly also sent to me. He got called out by a person he couldn't schmooze.
Perfect! My husband is definitely the friendly, charming, life of the party type. But there are times, I sense almost a malevolent undercurrent to it even with near strangers. Although he often uses his "humor" on me as a way of avoiding answering a direct question, I have come to handle it by throwing him humor right back. At least it keeps the mood light-- now that I know he's not going to change anyway. Still haven't escaped the "feed me" cycle; at this point I think it might not be possible.