Ep. 42 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer start off this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave by discussing Bert's want for a British hype man. Tom then plays a clip of LeeAnn finding out about Bert's barehanded wiping for him, before discussing that their friends, including Joe Rogan and Joey Diaz, are moving. The bears brainstorm where they would like to move. Bert also talks about his best parlor tricks and gambling with Daniel Tosh. They then look at an article on the best rappers over 40 which leads them into discussing the Cam'Ron and Faizon Love beef. They wrap the show up with a three-way call between the bears, Russell Peters, and Faizon Love to discuss the beef.
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I love Tom's "Jim" moments when he looks at the camera after Bart says something interesting lol
Robert Wright his name is Brett
We call those “Tim moments” 🎸🎸
I thought it was Brent?
@@TheIgnorantAlecTani hahahahahahahahahahahaha
Nonono. Its Brrrrkt Ksiiblr.
“I’m eloquent” might be Bert’s funniest delusion yet
True but then we can also be 100% sure that he only 'kind of' knows what it actually means. So who knows what he really means when he says he's eloquent.
Ahh hundred percent
@@Madagon367 I think he means what it sounds like, he's a massively delusional narcissist
i still can’t get over “the kool aid doesn’t affect my inability to lose weight”
"very eloquent"
Watching Tom destabilize Burnt’s marriage is simply fascinating
They’re both named Brett. Ask Warren Sapp.
Yeah. He must mean Brett and Brett.
Don’t you mean Bret?
British character Lisle is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard Bert Say
Hahaha
Pitch for new show: Send Bert to Europe with $100 to his name and he has to hustle and entertain people and get free stuff like he used to do. I'd subscribe to that!
@thatguy 00 According to your recent comments on this channel, 2 weeks ago you said on an episode of Your Moms House, and I quote, "If I had $10 to spare I'd gladly use it to watch the live podcast 😩"... So I think you should probably let the lady know that Europe is definitely off the table. Wouldn't want to get her hopes up for nothing now, would we? It's okay though, we'll just keep this between us guys... and the entire TH-cam community. It's not like anything's permanent on the internet anyway, amirite? Hahahahahahahahahahaha
@thatguy 00 he put out a rod with bait on it and you bit. congrats, you lose.
@@tj2726 god damn man you destroyed thatguy 00 XD
Flex Johnson reading you shut this man down was even funnier than this podcast 😂😂😂
This is an AMAZING idea
Bret and Lee Ann truly have a Homer/Marge relationship
“Oooohh Hommeey”
Well... Homer showers in the shower and even if he half asses it he does the things marge asks for instead of having an emotional breakdown like bert XD Also I'm pretty sure he flushes his shits instead of letting them sit in the toilet just cuz he's such a creative genius he doesn't have the time or mind space to flush...
@Not Mick Blotters yes, but ultimately lacks the empathy to respect her or his kids lol
I miss Tom's ridiculous intro lines.
"You can't just say all Jews are weak"
Damn... Made me laugh
Yeah I always looked forward to those 😞
"You said he was one of the sneaky ones that survived!"
"Black History Month has already been decided, you can't vote on it!"
When did Bert stop being racist exactly? I know he was worried about that gag hurting his reputation, but when/how was it changed to dog fucker?
So Bert has an Iced Coffee, Red Bull, Diet Coke, and half gallon of Kool-Aid.
Atleast its diet coke
Trying to get advertisers while they say faggot repeatedly
Oh my😂
These are the things I used to miss just listening to the podcasts. While he says, I can probably do 40 pushups 🤣
No way, look at Bert. There's no way he looks like that and drinks a half gallon of Kool-Aid...it's gotta be a full gallon
Bert is literally my favorite person to listen to, he makes me feel like I’m not a POS
Might need a better litmus test
Bert: I could move to nawlins. Tom: Flashes back to his opinion of swamp people "I can see you living there"
Brett should just continue bathing in his pool till it turns into his own swamp
Damn Cajuns 😆
I'd love for brent to move to new Orleans, I'd have an actual reason to drive over there
Bert would be found dead in a Canal within a year of moving there.
If someone asked me what brent isn't, i would say eloquent.
He is the literal antithesis of eloquent.
fr hes getting more and more delusional
If someone asked me what Bart isn’t, I would also say “nice smelling”
2:50 he says the (not a)word “crescending”
Agenda In Mind dude what
It’s gonna be really cool to look back at this episode and say “this is when LeeAnn decided on the divorce”
For real bro
No she'll wait until the girls are older and done with school. Thats why they wouldn't move. She has friends locally, so do his daughters. Bert will drink himself to death. He'll stay on the road drinking a ton and neglecting himself, and he'll die at 65 with cirrhosis and she'll have he millions. She grew up without shoes. She invested in Bert. Bert is her mutual fund. She makes that boy a man. Without her controlling the finances, it wouldn't of worked. She's a poor rural kid, who is now a millionaire. She's in for the long haul, but I could see Bert living in a different area or on the bus bc of her adding conditionals like no drinking if he wants to stay with the kids at the house.
@@SuperHoneyOil godamn that was dark
@@rcannin Berts brand is dark. I know he gets shit on, but he really is a decent stand up. His brand is justifying alcoholism to 20-30 overweight guys. He's the Jimmy Buffet of our generation. For some its a fun phase, but its really dark up close. Like when Tom asked Bert his dream life, and he didn't even consider his wife and kids, nor were they part of his life. He's incredibly narcissistic, his wife loosing weight is an attack on him. Everything is about Bert, and Bert's brand is alcohol/frat/oktobefat and it will kill him.
TK 👿 well damn bro I was just kidding. Sorry if you read this Brett
"She's not going anywhere, she's got nowhere to go" - Bernt Crystals flexing that Garth energy.
How many divorced men said that before the papers showed up?
@@mimigiggles4199 unless he got a pre nup, she has plenty of places to go after she gets all his money.
Bert "crescending" Kreischer
Bert "vunerable" Kreischer
Bert "nightmere" Kreischer
Bert the Eloquent
Crescending!! LOL Read this as it happened. Ohh, Bert.
Brent the Foul
Don't you love watching a grown man learn how to speak every week?
@@smashin LOL
Can't believe Tom didn't point out crescending
Tom has a coffee and water next to him. Bert has a coffee, a Red Bull, a Diet Coke and a half gallon of kool-aid haha.
🤣
Priorities terry!
Hahaha came here to post this
I was just texting this to a friend lol
That's what a real alcoholic does. Thinks his problems can be solved through the drink.
41:15 haha the way Brent calls for “Lyle” while Leanne rips him to shreds.
"Crescending by age" lmao burt needs to stop acting like he knows words
Does Bert ever just "ask a question" without eagerly waiting to answer his own question in his ongoing interview of himself?
So annoying honestly 😑
NEVER.
Right?? He can barely ask a question in one try. He's a ongoing stream of incomplete thoughts.
No.
Absolutely
The show should be called "1 Bear watches another bear talk himself into a hole"
it just never stops...
That's what this show has become about the most lol everyone watches to see what fucky stuff burt does in his day to day life 😂😂
2 bears 1 speaker phone
Tommy knew what he was doing when he pitched this idea to Burnt Krystals, he knew all he had to do was just sit there and let Brett talk for an hour+ and say the most nightmeerish things
I think of it like fishing. Tom keeps casting the line and bert keeps eating the bait And it just repeats.
Remember when Dr Drew said that unless Bert goes completely sober, he will eventually spiral back into completely boozing up everyday (like all the other addicts he's treated)? Haven't heard him say he's "X days sober" in a while
So bert ACTUALLY did 45 push-ups once in front of his friends, then told the story and it became 65.....then 80......then 120.....now it’s a comfortable 100.....
he sounds just like Mencia when he talks about being called "The Punisher"
No doubt about it.
I guarantee he can barely put up 135 let alone 225 lmao
Uhhhhh....... 100 percent.
Let's see your form Brent Christmas!
Bert talks about his wife like someone talking about a neighbors dog that he sometimes pets...
Considering what he does to the neighbor dogs, that's saying something!
"i like her mouth" bret
I bet that dog gets more love and affection though...
Brent's British guy was born and raised in the Australian outback.
Nah, its just brain damage.
Oi oi oi ‘ear ‘em out mate, ee’s got uh point
I've heard Bert attempt hundreds of accents at this point and out of all of them this one actually wasn't that bad.
you read my mind lol
@@Le_Petomane its a bit in and out. Definitely brain damage.
37:08 LeeAnn telling Tom that Bert needs to drink more water and he starts reaching towards his Kool-Aid as she calls him out on it is amazing.
I like how Bernt just keeps rambling and Tom loves him so much that he won’t tell him to stfu.
Bert not being able to spell 'vulnerable' is about what I expect from someone who drinks a gallon of Kool Aid everyday.
Vulnerable is also how Bert likes his dogs.
Goddamn I love these
It's a real nightmere.
@@JR-rz1br Uhh-hundred percent lmao
What ??
@@jakeballou5147 you must be from Louisiana
Based off this podcast, I can't imagine how many people Bert must drunk dial when he's out drinking
For real though 😂
100 percent of people
Please go to key west and get a baller golf cart.
It must take a lot of patience to be his friend
Mat Guerra do you mean “uh-hundred percent”? 😂😂
Did Bert just break the record for most Lies told in a podcast ?????
Dude i love hearing stories about Tosh. I swear never get enough of his content and comedy. Great to get these little tid bits
I really want him to appear on YMH but he never does stuff like that :/
Maybe go watch clips of him then? Kind of weird to be hanging on him in a 2B1C episode..
Tom: "I think Gervais would like you because you'd remind him of Karl Pilkington". Went right over Burnt's head. LOL!
Oh He's done ya there, PLAY A RECORD!
Over mine too, care to explain?
@@nicholasnixon1311 hes one of gervais friend, did a tv show together called an idiot aborad. look up a few clips and youll understand
@@nicholasnixon1311 Gervais, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington also had a radio show & have a ton of podcasts on YT. Karl's an "interesting" guy to say the least. Good laughs.
@@Revolution1117 I know my favorite convos was when they talked about CV radios. "How many candles yah burnin'?"
I’m drowning like a Garth Brooks victim with all these ads
Gotta get that Chrome ad-block extension. It's free!
Damn. I made the same comment but it wasn’t funny like this. Need to pull my jeans up.
Ha..........
No kidding. RIP
Slide video to the end and hit the replay button problem solved only watch 1 AD
Them calling Cam'ron reminds me of being a teen in the 90s and calling girls I liked and trying to act cool over the phone
Bart 100% got so hurt when Fazon said "Who?" right after he got done telling Tom how amazing him and Christina are on YMH
I wish Bert would talk about himself more
Have you not listened to every podcast he's ever been on!?🤣
Can we get rid of idiots like this^
I love Bert’s episodes are label “(insert comic) & ME” - it’s proper grammar but FOH, Brent
Why do I feel like this is Bert..
$100 Christina diagnoses Bert with multiple personality disorder after she sees Lyle
She does have a therapist and by having that therapist makes her a therapist
Dustygaming a therapist learns from their patients through experience. So, if you think about it, she’s basically a professor of psychology.
She knows a therapist and a tv doctor, she’s qualified.
And he's on the spectrum like she is 🙄 she went on a run where that's all she said on podcasts. Got sick of hearing that shit.
John Herring it seemed like Tom was annoyed with it too.
I can’t believe this show started with Bert saying “I’m so eloquent”
“I’m very eloquent”
*Proceeds to be an ineloquent buffoon*
He is the MAN.......The man who eats his own boogers
New 2 bears drinking game rule: count how many times Bert says “I” in the first five minutes and that’s how many beers you have to drink before the podcast ends.
Are you trying to murder people with alcohol poisoning?
353 Beers 1 Cave
Alright let’s say first 2 minutes lmao
Bert started crying for Lyle when his wife was roasting him and I started dying
🤣
bret wants a fit body. but he also doesn't want to control his diet. with a current diagnosis of fatty liver. I see nothing wrong with this.
Man Bert's fucking awesome. No matter how much his success can go to his head sometimes as he puts it, he's still a kid at heart and he get's giddy like any of us would over someone who we're fans of
I refreshed TH-cam at the perfect time
Me too, keep featherin it, Brother! Now where's my dog....
Uhh a hundred percent
Same here lol
12 o’ clock exactly
Every Monday is a treat no matter what, when you hear these two
Bert likes his dogs like he likes his kool aid, vulnerable.
"Vunrable"*
don't steal jokes bro
@@lowek7773 what I don't understand is how Kool-Aid is vulnerable. What's vulnerable about it?
Bert likes his dogs like he likes his kool-aid, leaving a red ring around his mouth.
he stole the good half
When Bert laughs it makes my day. Seeing a grown man who sounds like a little girl Laughing is pure comedy.
This should be renamed to “Tom listens to Bert for an hour - podcast”
Lmaooo he hypes Bert up. I feel like he just wants to see how far he can get Bert to talk about stupid shit every podcast
katie yuuuup, you can see the excitement in his eyes when he gets Bret rilled up on something
Tom ...... The crazy enabler.
"Hulk Hogan shows up, he's like, hey, The Machine! I'm like hey how it's going, Hulkster" 😂
Bert is every 10 year old boy
He's definitely a 50 year old in the mind of a 10 year old. Otherwise, would he care so much about smelling his own shit and running faster than all of the other kids.
Hulk became bert’s hero after the sex tape
I met Hulk Hogan during the height of Hulkamania. I was on a BMX bike on Ocean Avenue in Venice. His bicep was the same size as my head. I was 6'5" 220 lbs., but he was legit huge. To this day the only guy to ever call me "lil hulkster".He told me to keep drinking milk and to take my vitamins.
I love how Tom just sits back quietly and lets Bert talk himself into a corner.
This is the easiest podcast for him
Tom’s Karl Pilkington reference 6:30 goes straight over Brett’s head
Everyone always says "oh what about wyoming?" without thinking about living in a Wyoming winter and you're stuck on I-80 with a gallon of water and some clif bars in a snowstorm
Thats for people who don't have Trucks or 4WD. I like in the great north, and people just stay home or make sure they have the means to get out. Seems like only out of state people who get in those situations.
@morgan For the record that never happened to me but I heard stories lol.
Bert coming out the gate sounding like an absolute tok.
“It sounds like a Hate Crime but it’s really a recipe”
Aunt Myrna's recipe came to my mind at that moment
If Bert was still racist someone would probably use that soundbite
They must've sprinkled some coke on Bert's coffee this episode lol.
I love that Bert thinks if he was single he'd be "slaying" 🤣
Jennifer Aniston watching from witness protection “for safety”
“I’ve never been a big drinker and driver” an all-time burnt quote.
Id rock that tee
The ambition of Bert and Tom is slowly making this the best podcast... the way they spin big ideas and make big phone calls... so great... so fun.
in this installment of Bret speaks words good, we cover vunrable and cresending
Bert is pissed at his wife for LOSING weight and throwing away clothes that don't fit because he GAINED weight and kept his skinny clothes. That's Bert logic for ya.
It's episode 42 but the thumbnail says 41... Nadav is gonna pay.
Guess Tom is going to get to crack Nadav's back after all.
The bumper fell off. Good job, Nadav!
Please take this down, Tom could see this. Let's just hope it goes unnoticed and unpunished.
Nadav did bad
All fixed now....
MF DOOM IS MY FAVORITE BUT THEY TOTALLY SCROLLED RIGHT PAST HIM
ik, I wanted to hear what they had to say about him 😂😭
Rip
Thank god. Tom might have a few footnotes but hearing Bort speaking anything on DOOMs name would be insufferable.
Bert doing ad reads is like watching Rocky II when Stallone is trying to do commercials, and the director realizes he can’t read.
Every week is Tom interviewing Bert
We can all smell Bert through the screen. The pool chlorine & red kool-aid is strong
And the shit on his finger tips....
I was wondering what that smell was..
@@timjohnson6353 HAHAHA
yup. plus booze sweat
The guy laughing in the back always gets me lol. He must love his job so much, these two are just too much lol.
That whole living in Aspen situation was mind boggling. He didn't stop to breath for at leave five minutes. He just spoke. Like a guy that's done a shit load of coke.
Bert is definitely the friend in the group who is tiktok'd and doesn't know it and his friends don't have the heart to tell him either
The best part of Mondays
Sup bro🌎
Idk man I fucking can't stand Bert Kreischer anymore.
Storror
I have my moments. Bret can be to much at times.
It really is. Listening to them has helped my depression so much.
Bert begging for Lyle when Leanne tore into him is hilarious
Bert should have a board with buttons with different sound bits of Lyle. And he should definitely turn bits from the podcast into comedy bits. Maybe make a special album with them, just so they are preserved for his legacy.
If Bert and Tom go to Wyoming, I'll feel really bad for Bert's horse.
“I am very eloquent.”
Lol ok Brett
Guy is a dummy
its this shit that actually really makes me dislike him. You know he seriously thinks this.
J.B. this. Bert sucks more every week.
“LeAnne i- god bless, passed away 🙏🏻” 😂😂😂😂😂😂
This has turned into Tom interviewing Bert and I don't know if I can be arsed with listening to this every week. Let Tom tell a story Brent!!
I think the real reason people tune into this is to watch Bert (weekly) dig himself into a hole of total narcissism and ego. And then to watch Tom know what Bert is doing to himself for the world to see and just laugh.
Burt literally captured exactly what Portland is. Too accurate.
I've seen that same mentality in SC.
@@MrKylederp splinter cell?
q
q
@@elijahownsall q+Qq
Please see this.. Burt’s mental capacity and dialogue is pretty similar to the character Ricky from Trailer Park Boys.
Except Ricky is funny and endearing.
I absolutely love Lyle Kreischer. Gervais would be the best Bear Cave guest
Every time Burt spoke in his ‘cockney Brit’ voice, I almost shot myself in the mouth.
Yes 'in his' version of Cockney ... I was loading a gun also.
You both have me cry laughing😂😂😂😂
👈 I was offended.....
and threw up in my mouth a lil bit
Root canal with a revolver
@@MrDALE-jy8tu I was offended and I'm not even British! I don't really like doing impressions, but I've been told I'm good at it, to the point people have thought i was lying about being American when i went back to my regular American voice. Brett really butchered it.
Bert: Say the word vulnerable
V-U-N-E-R-A-B-L-E
The Greatest Podcast on Erth....Tom is a genius, he gets the best out of Bert!!!! Tom is loike the greatest sports players they pass the ball and let team mates score..Love you both !!!
You guys should do a dad joke competition. You laugh, you lose.
I love you guys by the way! 💕
Hey that’s cool, I saw that guy with the hat with a bunch of peanut butter at my local dog park!
Samesies!
The genuine _terror_ on Brets face when Tom queues the clip of Leanne is so good.
The laughs in the background when Brett Chrysler says he can do 40 push ups, is that nadov? If so bravo nadov, no way he’s doing 40 push ups
I love that even tho Bert is a successful comedian in Hollywood, you can tell he gets more joy about talking about college than anything else. Clearly the highlight of his life haha
Can we get a compilation of every time Burt says “LBGT”
Nah these people allready have enough exposure
Alec Powers that’s gay
Brent misspelling vulnerable after calling himself eloquent. . The bar just continues to drop.
The dynamic between these two is priceless. Tom sits back and nods while Bert rambles on and I love them so much omggg
I hate watch at this point. I love Tom, but I cannot stand a single thing about Bert. It's the same episode every time. "Dude we should totally do...." with zero intention of ever doing said thing. IDK how Tom can be around this guy.
Bert having Cam'ron's number is words i never thought i'd hear in the same sentence 😂😂😂
Bart has lost so many IQ points throughout this quarantine its almost impressive
Iced coffee, Red Bull, gallon of Kool Aid, DIET coke
“I need a treat”
Bert: She ain't going no where.
Everyone: Erm, ok...
That Cam’ron bit 🤣🤣 We’re all a bit of Bert
Lolll Bert’s wife made him look like such a drip
Drip?
Vote Shaffir/Gillis for Legion of Skanks president and vice president. The choice is clear; Shaffir (please leave an absurdly negative reply if you agree that Ari Shaffir always brings the most mayhem)
Love u ari
MayHAM
Ari I want to, what’s the email address?
Jeeeeeewwww
Shaffir/Gillis is exactly the campaign to distrust as leaders and that's best for ratings and engagement. See current news cycle for further evidence.
This episode, Bert is not aware that Tom is considering moving to Texas!!! Ahhh, poor Bret
For Sober October, you two should have Joe train you to box, and then on November 1st, the two of you should have a sparring match in the ring
Tom: I'm here with Bert Kreischer
Fazon: Who???
If only Bretts hygiene was as good as his false sense of confidence
Lolol idk why when I see him think of that
Cold blooded Ricky
The boys practicing the phone call beforehand made me all giggly like a little school girl. I feel like I’m in middle school again LOL
Hi
Bert preparing to call cam’ron on the phone is me in every social situation